Creative AF - Roxy Dominguez

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Everybody. Johnny here. Before we
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need that right now? All, right,

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now, here's the show. I
think I was in one of my

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darkest like stages. You know,
I didn't I don't know was I was

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in a very dark place. I
was very depressed, I was not myself

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and I you know, sometimes you
create the best work when you're feeling like

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that, but for me I couldn't
even create. I look back at that

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poster and I remember crying in the
middle of the night just being like Shit,

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I you know, the imposter syndrome
comes in, you know, and

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I it's insecurity, self doubt,
and I'm like I can't do that,

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like I can't give it my all, and I don't know why, but

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I could, like a paralyzed me, and I didn't. I still look

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back at it and I'm like Oh, like, I could have done so

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much more, you know, I
could have just they just wanted me on

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the poster and I wasn't able to
fully deliver because I wasn't even myself.

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Hey everyone, I'm John Willie and
this is creative, if a podcast that

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dives smack DAB into the messy intersection
of creativity and mental health, sharing stories

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of your highest highs in your lowest
lows. So Roxy Deminguez is a name

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that some of you may know and
many of you may not, but I

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can guarantee you've seen her work if
you're a fan of baseball or mls soccer.

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In her first real job after college, Roxy would find herself on a

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world series winning team in two thousand
and seventeen with the Houston Astros, as

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part of one of the premier design
teams and all of sports at the time.

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But with those highs came many,
many lows and some breakdowns in there

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that cause some changes over the next
few years. From a young age,

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Roxy grew up in a very strict
household where she became somewhat of a homebody

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and introvert, but not always by
choice. Roxy's family was what she calls

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or traditional Mexican family, where dating
young or going to parties was simply not

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part of the culture. But creativity
and art in her life were never stifled.

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From a young age, roxy use
her time in school and her access

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to magazines, which she loved in
Your Book Club, as a place to

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learn about the essentials of design and
dabble in many different types of mixed media

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with a family who loves sports and
played sports growing up. She had always

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had an affinity for sports but honestly
never played much of anything our self.

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Living in Texas in her childhood home
and finishing an associate's degree in fine arts,

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Roxy went away to the University of
Houston to dive into a more focus

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degree in graphic design and her parents
decided to move there with her. So

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yeah, I'll tell you more about
that. So yeah, it impacted me

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in many ways actually. I just
dad was very strict with me in high

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school and I wasn't allowed a date
or have guy friends or you know,

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I didn't have that regular upbringing words
like Oh, let's go to the party

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or let's get movies and all that
stuff. It was very, UM,

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strict. So I became very insecure
and felt very lonely and different and at

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the time I hated it, you
know, I didn't. It just felt

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like a like an outcast, like
a Weirdo. Um. So when I

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moved to Houston, my parents moved
with me. So yeah, so,

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Um, it's where it come from, a Mexican household tradition where kids typically

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don't leave their home until they get
married, specially girls. So we all

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moved here to Houston. The about
a house and I started commuting to to

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the university. M. Yeah,
how was that? As you were going

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to school that you're trying to balance, you know, you get a little

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bit of independence, probably, but
maybe not as much as you would have

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liked it. That point right,
exactly. Yeah, I gained a dependence

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because the driving here in Houston isn't
say, and we live in the suburbs

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and the universities downtown. So that's
about like thirty two miles that it's to

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drive. Um, well, I
guess like over seventy every every day.

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So, yeah, I gained the
independence, but it was also very strict

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with school and I started working as
a designer, so as at the REC

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center. Yeah, it's not that. Yeah, and Um, so bouncing

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all that left me with no life
because school was very it was tough.

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It was so much work. I
wasn't used to us to like such an

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hintensity workload. You know, they
took design very seriously and I and I

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was trying to juggle everything. I
never been on a date and never dated

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anybody. And Yeah, the time
that was. It was hard. But

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I gave me an excuse to not
focus in that aspect of my life because

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I was so focused in school.
But but yeah, I just designed basically,

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and I remember going into like my
first this is white before the REC

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center, like my first design class, like it was like intro to communications

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or something like that, and I
was expecting like computers and scanners and all

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this like technology, and there was
nothing and I was like what? And

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the first assignment was like drawing circles
and squares and I'm like what am I

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God, what is this? and
M now I look back at it and

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it's like that's the foundation of design. You know, we were drawing circles

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to to learn about hierarchy, to
learn about composition, to to learn about

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scaling. You know, she like
our professor at the time, Um back

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gum her name was. Her name
is she? She taught us so much

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about that and she really taught us
from the beginning, from like before we

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even touched any kind of software,
and I think that helped shaped a lot

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of my foundation. And that was
like a lot of the courses in the

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university. We're very hands on,
and that's when I discovered I was like,

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okay, I like the mixed media. I really am not into the

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whole just one tool. I like
the mixing of different things. It's awesome

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in your bringing a little bit of
a finance background in it, in painting,

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trying the whole thing. I remember
one of the big things that surf

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and I always said, and he
really kind of panded this into my head

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as we were hiring a lot,
was, you know, we used to

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ask people like show us your sketch
books, you know, and because that's

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the core, we put it in
the job descriptions, like, you know,

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we want we want you to have
sketch books full of ideas. And

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you know, when the the folks
that we hired, the Brandon Moore's of

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the world, those sort of things, like their sketch books were insane and

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I love them, you know.
And and so you're right, like getting

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the core of that. I think
that's also a little bit because we all

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just kind of rush to our computers, you know, these days, even

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when we're designing things like that.
So imagine that that helped. You know,

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that helped certainly with your your next
transition, which was right into this,

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was what two thousand and sixteen seventeen? Yeah, two thousand and sixteen,

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two thousand and sixteen and you land
your first Gig with the Houston Astros.

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Tell me about that transition hatch.
How did you get the job?

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Just apply for it on a whim. This is funny. So I graduated

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from the University of Houston. It
was like my twenty sixteen and my eyes

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were set on New York. I've
always wanted to move to New York and

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I was just looking primarily New York
and my family was just skeptical because they're

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like what, you're gonna move up
there? And what about the money?

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You know, it's scary. You
would you crazy? and Um I said

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no, I'm moving, I'm moving, and my brother sent me an application

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from he found it on indeed for
the Astros and it was a staffed tenth

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position. He said, Um,
hey, why don't you just apply to

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this and if it works out it's
temporary, stay in Houston for what?

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Six months, you save up money
and then you can move to New York

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and I'll support you and we'll do
whatever we can to help you get there.

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And I said okay, and I
didn't apply. I was like yeah,

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I'm I was looking at like three
grand apartments and like Manhattan, thinking

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how I'm going to make this work. Yeah, and then my brothers like

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three days as I have you applied
and I was like no, and he's

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like Roxy, please apply, and
I was like okay, fine. So

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I applied and Alex Kriega's emailed me
two days after and he's like we loved

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your work, we want to do
phone interview, and I was like what,

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like I was my mind. I
was like this just happened, like

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what the Hell? You know?
And I'm like I have. I was

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in an astros fan from the beginning, but I've been I make myself.

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I made my friends go to games
all the time, like you guys have

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to go baseball, so cool,
you know, the hot dogs in the

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beers, and was very into to
make it everybody just experience, you know,

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sports world. So and then I
did the phone interview and that one

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really well, and then they called
me in for the in person like within

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a week and that's when I met
CDG and I met Alex Krieg has in

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person and Dah and the whole team. I think Lauren Reuben was there still

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at the time, and it was
awesome. We clicked. I remember telling

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citg you know, like because he
has. He's like who do you look

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up to? And I was like, well, I Love Jessica Walsh.

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I. She's one of the designers
that I really admire. You know,

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she just really takes it up a
notch. You know, it wasn't it

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emerged said this quote about the computers
a great tool, but sometimes it's not

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always the best. As a designer
is very primordial. My English sometimes fills

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me, but it's very important that
you don't forget to play, you know,

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to experiment, and I remember telling
him that. We're talking and he's

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like, Oh my God, I
know, I love her, she's amazing

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and women empowerment and the whole thing
and Um, and we talked about like

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in the future, if I got
hired, doing a photo shoot with like

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paint, you know, spluttering paint
on baseballs and bats, and you know,

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we really hit it off. So
after that I got offered at the

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position and I started working with it. The whole process took like two weeks

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and them. Yeah, and then
I started working there. It's great and

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a tempt and did you get a
three letter initial, because I feel like

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you have to have a three letter
initial just to work there. Like Brad

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Try. Yeah, I know,
yeah, yeah, Oh my God,

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they tried. We had a meeting. He's like, okay, this is

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a meeting, so we can pick
your nickname and I was like what are

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you joking? We're having a meeting
for my nickname. I was talking,

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but they actually added that's awesome.
Yeah, yeah, we did, and

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we ended up just it's roxy because
my my name just lends itself to it.

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So yeah, it was pretty funny. How did the how did the

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family react and knowing they were,
you know, into baseball and sports,

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that your first gig outside is with
is with it a team that's looking really,

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really good at that point, right. Yeah, yeah, they were

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over the moon. They were in
Saant. My Dad, you know,

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he never really understood graphic design.
My mom neither, but she was like

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really happy about it. But for
him it was really hard because, I'm

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he didn't want me to be a
designer. He wanted me to be a

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chemical engineer like him, and I
was like I can't do chemistry. I

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think I found it at one point. So and he's like well, you

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know, be a teacher and nurse, and I was like no, like

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I stuck my gun. I was
like I'm going to design. So for

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him to see that I accomplish something
like that, even though he didn't fully

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understand it, he was very proud
and he was very, very happy and,

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Um, it just being at the
Astros. I was there for almost

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three years. Those two weeks short
um well the best things that has happened

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in my life. So you're you're
at the Astros, you your first year

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and then you go into two thousand
and seventeen with a team, you've been

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there a little while, you've got
a nickname and and the crew is driving

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you. You know you're working on
a lot of really cool stuff, because

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we're working with you guys the same
time from surf and I and some of

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the that you guys are working on
and and you know, just communicating with

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you all is you guys are really
building some something really cool at the Astros

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and really pushing the limits of things. And and I remember getting sent to

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your guys stuff a lot by,
you know, some of our leadership and

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saying like these guys are great,
like they're breaking out and they're doing some

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good things. And then you guys
go into two thousand and seventeen and tell

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me about that season. How was
it? TWYSTON team is the best year

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of my life so far. So
we have annything Nice like this week got

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sent your stuff and I we had
admired your team so much and we used

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you guys. This examples all the
time. But for me two thousand and

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seventy was very special because that December
of two thousand and sixteen is when they

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they promoted me to full time because
I was a stuffed Tim and my contract

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was supposed to end in December and
CDG offered me a full time position.

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So starting two thousand and seventeen was
great. And the campaign that they chose

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was actually my design and it's something
that I had pitched for two thousand and

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sixteen postseason, but we didn't make
it in two thousand and sixteen for the

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postseason, so we re used it
for two thousand and seventeen. So Um,

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at the time, the dynamic the
team it was it was magical like

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it was a mixture of trust,
it was a mixture of Camarade, camaraderie,

208
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it was a mixture of all the
good things, you know, and

209
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we really had an incredible team.
CDG pushing US and he would always celebrate

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any any accomplishments, anything good that
we each like as individual designers or photographers,

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we hit. He would like leave
me nose and I'm so proud of

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you, and you know I'm pushing
you to do better. And like the

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communication and the trust was grew so
much that, you know, it was

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we needed something. We would all
communicate. I would talk to you,

215
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like I would see dh just take
a bunch of photographs and then there's like

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one of like a weird shot,
you know, and I would say,

217
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Hey, I love that. Can
We, you know, let's get more

218
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of those, get rowdy, let's
get weird, and and he would just

219
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you know him, he's just amazing, crazy, talented and and he would

220
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do that and I would get his
stuff and I was like, Oh,

221
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this is I feel very spoiled at
the time because we had a great team

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and a g was a mentor of
mine, as well as CDG, and

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Joe was there and Joe, he
and Joe introduced me to your work and

224
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and you would always, you know, talk about you and I was like,

225
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well, this guy's fucking incredible.
Not only does he take incredible photographs,

226
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but those are drawings. What?
Oh, yeah, and like zoomed

227
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in. I was like that your
joke game and Joe was like no,

228
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I'm serious, and you know,
and we also selfless let self. Oh

229
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my God, s word, not
selfish, the selfless. Oh yes,

230
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but to it, we all supported
each other because we wanted everybody to succeed,

231
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you know, and when you have
that kind of magic, the outcome

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is is magical. You know,
it just worked and everything that we did

233
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and ended up showing up as successes
as a team, you know, as

234
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a graphic says, as a and
the team itself were like, Oh,

235
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we're in postseason now, okay,
and and Shit, we're winning. Oh

236
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Fuck, you know, and it's
like everything happens so fast and so quickly

237
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and you don't even notice it when
you're having fun, when you're having so

238
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much joy. And we actually we
actually got to do that photo shoot with

239
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the with the painting splattered on on
the baseball, in the bats, and

240
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incorporate it to our two thousand and
seventeen postseason and that was like full circle

241
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for yeah, that's fantastic, CDG. Yeah, and it was such a

242
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great moment, also mentally and personally
in my life that everything was just where

243
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it needed to be just fell into
place. I met my boyfriend John at

244
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the time. I met him and
I connect and and was after that and

245
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everything was just that. You're so
special to me and doesn't matter what happened,

246
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what has happened, no one's going
to take that away from us.

247
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And and yeah, just incredible and
I'm just so grateful for the people that

248
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I got to work with because they
their family to me. You know,

249
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I still talk to them, I'm
sure, if they want to have like

250
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coffee with CDG on Monday nice and
I just saw a pretty age you know,

251
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and it's yeah, you we used
to work together all the time,

252
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but also see each other outside of
work and people are like kids are weird.

253
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We're like, well, we enjoy
our the company, you know,

254
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we enjoy each other. We have
so much in common that, yeah,

255
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we just we really hit it off. Was a great year. You.

256
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The one thing that the people who
may not be working in sports listening to

257
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this man understand is that you are
family. No matter it in family goes

258
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through the ups and the downs,
but when you are on a team together,

259
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you you you literally see these people
more than your family, and that's

260
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a good and a bad thing,
because you're making, you know, new

261
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lifelong friends, but you're also working
your ass off and and you for you,

262
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you're you know, you're super young. This is your second year out.

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You've you have reached the pinnacle right
and in and how could you possibly

264
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how could it possibly be getting any
better? I don't, you know,

265
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I don't really know what that feeling
is. I've we were we were knocked

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out, you know, deep into
the playoffs and in two thousand and eleven

267
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and made it in two thousand and
seven, and it was devastating. I

268
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mean that. I told people that's
the only time I've ever felt emotion with

269
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sports because I'm not a sports fan
and I had to stay grounded in neutral

270
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or I couldn't do my job.
But bactually, but when we win,

271
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we lost, you know, to
the brewers in eleven. That hurt.

272
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You know, it was the first
time I really kind of felt some emotion

273
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with with where I was at that
point. How, you know, this

274
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kind of brings it back around to
balance and things like that. You guys

275
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were also spearheading one of the largest
sports design conferences that was growing and you

276
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talked about connect like that. And
how was that balancing everything that you were

277
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doing and also building something like this
that has has blown up to where it

278
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is today. Yeah, that was
very tough and trying to find a balance.

279
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I think it's the it's a question
where all like how, how the

280
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Hell do you do that? And
I don't think I haven't ever achieved it,

281
00:22:04.829 --> 00:22:10.829
but try to, yeah, get
really close to Um. I didn't.

282
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I didn't fully grasp anything until Joe
left in two thousand and seventeen.

283
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Yep, I was so into the
whole incredible teamwork and and connect and just

284
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building this thing that we were working
on. Yeah, that I didn't really

285
00:22:33.289 --> 00:22:38.809
see any insights and I think also
because it was fairly new and I wasn't

286
00:22:38.849 --> 00:22:45.480
aware of things ers and fully aware
or conscious what was going around around me.

287
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So, yeah, when Joe Left, I think that's when, and

288
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I mean we did have problems,
you know, I communication would like upper

289
00:22:55.640 --> 00:23:00.309
management and creative like and like any
other sports world, any other emphany where,

290
00:23:00.470 --> 00:23:03.509
that happens. But yeah, once
Joe Left, I think that's when

291
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it hit me and that's when you're
right. I like I two thousand and

292
00:23:06.589 --> 00:23:10.549
seventeen I reached a like the pinnacle, and then it was I always say

293
00:23:10.549 --> 00:23:14.660
it's like a dream I never knew
I had that I came bit, just

294
00:23:14.819 --> 00:23:17.859
came true, and two thousand and
eighteen was like a wake up call.

295
00:23:18.779 --> 00:23:23.859
Like Joe left and I was left
with like, Oh, this is why

296
00:23:23.940 --> 00:23:29.289
he's to get mad. Oh this
is why, not mad, just frustrated,

297
00:23:29.329 --> 00:23:32.289
you know, like I started to
understand and I started to see the

298
00:23:32.410 --> 00:23:41.130
gaps and the and the lack of
bridges, you know, between between departments

299
00:23:41.880 --> 00:23:45.160
and trying to do everything at once, but something or some parts, some

300
00:23:45.319 --> 00:23:52.680
aspects failing and the bandwidth was insane
and it was there was just no understanding

301
00:23:52.839 --> 00:24:00.349
of that and trying to make people
understand what it's like to work in a

302
00:24:00.470 --> 00:24:06.069
creative world. But when you know
it's just really hard and they're asking for

303
00:24:06.549 --> 00:24:10.339
will we just care about revenue when
really, God, you know, we

304
00:24:10.460 --> 00:24:12.259
want, we need more designers,
like it's in you know, it's trying

305
00:24:12.259 --> 00:24:17.460
to find that balance. that.
That was stuff. That was those very

306
00:24:17.539 --> 00:24:22.259
tough and I think we all tried
our best in communicate it with each other,

307
00:24:22.539 --> 00:24:27.730
and CDG tried, as you know, as our leader, and and

308
00:24:29.529 --> 00:24:36.089
just try to cultivate are our relationship, you know, and not let things

309
00:24:36.130 --> 00:24:41.200
get out of hand and and go
crazy. But, Um, you get

310
00:24:41.200 --> 00:24:44.640
into a routine. Then afterwards,
I think tyler was talking about it,

311
00:24:44.759 --> 00:24:48.799
where you don't even realize you're overworking
yourself. Yeah, and you don't even

312
00:24:48.839 --> 00:24:52.150
realize that some aspects in your life
are failing because of that. Right,

313
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and and, Um, I think, I think that was two thousand and

314
00:24:57.069 --> 00:25:02.670
eighteen for me. And then we
did postseason again. Yeah, and we

315
00:25:02.750 --> 00:25:07.339
were exhausted and it was right through
again. Shit. Yeah, never ends

316
00:25:07.460 --> 00:25:11.779
after a world series. You've got
all of the events that happen and then,

317
00:25:11.940 --> 00:25:15.259
yeah, you're not stop right when
it ends. Right, you wish

318
00:25:15.339 --> 00:25:18.819
for this thing forever and then you
actually get it and you're like, Dude,

319
00:25:18.859 --> 00:25:22.210
you didn't stop working after our World
Seri like I I didn't stop working

320
00:25:22.329 --> 00:25:27.009
till like the remember going to summer
vacation and coming back in January, being

321
00:25:27.809 --> 00:25:33.410
it was the workload was insane.
It's like Yeay, we want but also

322
00:25:33.490 --> 00:25:37.119
the work that comes with it.
Right, it's something that you don't even

323
00:25:37.279 --> 00:25:40.799
see coming and then you're like wait, we have to do that again,

324
00:25:40.839 --> 00:25:44.400
and I'm not. It's like a
not a bad thing, right, because

325
00:25:44.440 --> 00:25:48.480
it's that that's what you want when
you work in a team, right,

326
00:25:48.599 --> 00:25:55.269
where are there? Yeah, exactly, yeah, and and in most people

327
00:25:55.309 --> 00:25:59.509
don't understand that and they the question
that we always get ask this all.

328
00:25:59.670 --> 00:26:02.390
What do you do during the offseason? You know, I remember like feeling

329
00:26:02.430 --> 00:26:06.380
that question so many times, being
like man, there's there's no offseason.

330
00:26:06.420 --> 00:26:10.380
And then imagine going deep and winning. And you know, people don't understand

331
00:26:10.460 --> 00:26:15.420
that that if you are in the
hunt in you know, in September,

332
00:26:15.579 --> 00:26:18.609
you start creating all of these graphics
for the postseason, you know, and

333
00:26:18.690 --> 00:26:23.369
you get all this stuff coming down
on your just anything from parking maps to

334
00:26:23.529 --> 00:26:26.289
all this stuff, like yeah,
like, nobody, nobody gets that.

335
00:26:26.529 --> 00:26:30.170
Like that, you're doing all this
stuffs. People kind of just think that

336
00:26:30.210 --> 00:26:33.640
magically happens, but no, there's
a small team of people, right,

337
00:26:33.759 --> 00:26:37.599
and you guys lost one of your
leaders in that who was doing that.

338
00:26:37.759 --> 00:26:42.640
And you are, you know,
your third year out now, in so

339
00:26:44.519 --> 00:26:48.349
you've gone through all the highs and
now you're feeling some of the lows start

340
00:26:48.430 --> 00:26:56.630
to trickle in. After after some
of your fellow leaders and friends left and

341
00:26:57.109 --> 00:27:02.140
and then you make the decision to
leave the Astros in May. What was

342
00:27:02.259 --> 00:27:06.180
the was kind of the reasoning behind
some of that decision. Did any of

343
00:27:06.259 --> 00:27:11.339
the rumors that were swirling around about
the science stealing scandals in those things that

344
00:27:11.460 --> 00:27:15.500
affect that where they even? Did
it even happen at that point? So

345
00:27:15.930 --> 00:27:18.970
now they weren't. It wasn't a
thing yet when I when I was still

346
00:27:18.970 --> 00:27:26.970
at the Astros Um, I that
decision that I have living astras was very

347
00:27:26.049 --> 00:27:30.680
tough. That's something that I decided
like back in January of two thousand and

348
00:27:30.680 --> 00:27:37.000
nineteen, where a lot of my
co workers and my family basically we're leaving,

349
00:27:37.880 --> 00:27:41.319
and I said, okay, I
kind of have to be a little

350
00:27:41.359 --> 00:27:45.630
selfish and think about myself here for
a second. And two thousand and eighteen

351
00:27:45.710 --> 00:27:53.109
was tough and we dealt with a
lot of issues within, you know,

352
00:27:53.630 --> 00:27:59.740
just regular issues that you do with
an organizations. So I was like,

353
00:27:59.859 --> 00:28:03.460
okay, my dream has always been
New York and my boyfriend is for me,

354
00:28:03.579 --> 00:28:07.819
or I can lives there in New
York and we've been together for a

355
00:28:07.900 --> 00:28:11.859
year and I have fish here.
So I was like this is the perfect

356
00:28:12.210 --> 00:28:15.970
timing, you know. I was
like let's just start looking now, because

357
00:28:17.009 --> 00:28:21.289
I knew it wasn't going to be
easy. So I started looking for jobs

358
00:28:21.329 --> 00:28:29.680
in January. So then comes spring
training. Spring training is end of February

359
00:28:30.920 --> 00:28:34.079
and that means we have to prep
everything and send everything to print for the

360
00:28:34.240 --> 00:28:44.990
new campaign by March, like beginning
of March, and that's when I kind

361
00:28:45.029 --> 00:28:48.829
of just blew up and it was
like the last Straw for me. I

362
00:28:51.470 --> 00:28:57.539
was very overworked, I was very
stressed out and if it was just a

363
00:28:57.619 --> 00:29:02.700
combination of a lot of things,
you know, it wasn't. Anybody is

364
00:29:02.900 --> 00:29:08.500
just it was. It just got
to me because now that I go back

365
00:29:08.579 --> 00:29:11.490
and think about it, it's the
highs were very high and the lows are

366
00:29:11.569 --> 00:29:17.130
very low. Yeah, so it
was a combination of very like an unstable

367
00:29:19.369 --> 00:29:25.000
state of mind. True now,
Yep, and and I blew up and

368
00:29:25.079 --> 00:29:30.480
I was I yelled and I screwed
and I was crying and I you know,

369
00:29:30.799 --> 00:29:34.839
and people were very supportive and,
you know, we calmed down,

370
00:29:36.079 --> 00:29:41.670
we talked as a team and and
and, you know, we talked through

371
00:29:41.789 --> 00:29:48.630
things and communicated, and that's I'm
so grateful for the for the relationship that

372
00:29:48.670 --> 00:29:51.670
I have with with the team,
because we always come back to each other,

373
00:29:51.910 --> 00:29:56.819
you know, and you just grow
as a person and they teach you

374
00:29:56.059 --> 00:30:00.619
things that you don't even realize you
need to be taught, you know,

375
00:30:00.900 --> 00:30:10.410
sure. So after that happened,
then I was more became more adamant about

376
00:30:10.410 --> 00:30:14.890
looking for for a new opportunity.
Okay, and yeah, and so I

377
00:30:15.009 --> 00:30:18.049
just I found them a less and
I that happened later on, obviously,

378
00:30:18.170 --> 00:30:23.960
and I left city. I talked
to CDG at the time and he was

379
00:30:25.119 --> 00:30:27.400
like Hey, like, I'm planning
to make any move too. You know,

380
00:30:27.559 --> 00:30:32.319
we both confided in each other and
he helped me out so much and

381
00:30:33.400 --> 00:30:37.950
he left April. I left in
May and yeah, I see. After

382
00:30:37.069 --> 00:30:57.740
that I just moved to New York. You talked about, you know,

383
00:30:59.059 --> 00:31:03.970
the explosion a little bit. The
reactions of all of this is compounded by,

384
00:31:04.569 --> 00:31:10.569
you know, the work, the
over work ness of sports, the

385
00:31:10.690 --> 00:31:15.890
balance that it's usually lacking. In
this case, that triggered, you know,

386
00:31:17.250 --> 00:31:22.920
your mental health. How how was
your mental health there when you when

387
00:31:22.960 --> 00:31:26.200
you left? Did you feel a
weight off your shoulders or were you still

388
00:31:26.480 --> 00:31:30.559
were you still fighting some of those
demons? Oh Man, I was listening

389
00:31:30.640 --> 00:31:33.630
to I want a big tree by
Queen on my way out, as this

390
00:31:33.869 --> 00:31:37.390
is amazing. It just it just
felt great, but it was bitter sweet

391
00:31:37.430 --> 00:31:42.150
because work for me was my safe
place, you know, it was my

392
00:31:42.230 --> 00:31:45.710
comfort, it was my family and
it didn't matter what was going on in

393
00:31:45.789 --> 00:31:51.859
my life outside of work. When
I got into work every morning I forgot

394
00:31:51.900 --> 00:31:55.700
about it and I was happy and
if I needed a break, I would

395
00:31:55.900 --> 00:31:57.779
just take a lap around the stadium
or sit on the stands, you know,

396
00:31:57.940 --> 00:32:04.569
and that was very hard to let
go of. But mentally I was

397
00:32:04.650 --> 00:32:08.809
feeling great and I was feeling like
I'm finally going to accomplish the dream that

398
00:32:08.930 --> 00:32:15.130
I always had of moving to New
York and living in New York with my

399
00:32:15.289 --> 00:32:20.240
partner. There you go. How
did that transition go? How was it

400
00:32:20.359 --> 00:32:27.160
everything you expected it to be?
Absolutely not. So. The work,

401
00:32:27.440 --> 00:32:30.950
it was magical for the first few
weeks. You know, you're you're off

402
00:32:31.069 --> 00:32:36.190
of that like adrenaline of the city
and I you know, the office is

403
00:32:36.390 --> 00:32:42.190
and forty two street and five avenue, Empire State is like right next to

404
00:32:42.309 --> 00:32:45.259
me, Chrysler building, you know, you just I'm in the middle of

405
00:32:45.299 --> 00:32:52.539
Manhattan, where I wanted to be, but I don't have my support system

406
00:32:52.579 --> 00:32:59.009
with me. I might my job, the new job that I that I

407
00:32:59.609 --> 00:33:02.130
went into. I kind of had
to start over again. You know,

408
00:33:02.289 --> 00:33:06.769
and it's like, Oh, I
have to open up to people and and

409
00:33:07.009 --> 00:33:10.089
try to make relationships and friends and
and do that thing all over again,

410
00:33:10.609 --> 00:33:16.960
you know, and everybody was so
nice and so welcoming and they just treat

411
00:33:17.279 --> 00:33:24.000
they treated me really well and very
comforting. But I was trying to find

412
00:33:24.039 --> 00:33:29.549
something that I had and at the
ASTRAS and that's not the case, you

413
00:33:29.630 --> 00:33:37.869
know. Yeah, and so I
struggled with that and I struggled with the

414
00:33:37.990 --> 00:33:43.660
relationship with my partner. Struggled because
of I wasn't mentally in a good place.

415
00:33:43.859 --> 00:33:47.140
You know. I was missing.
I was missing my friends, I

416
00:33:47.259 --> 00:33:51.220
was missing my family, it was
missing my life and all of a sudden,

417
00:33:51.259 --> 00:33:57.130
and I went from someone being so
independent to be a dependent well,

418
00:33:57.250 --> 00:34:02.849
you know, yeah, I kind
of lost myself. How did you how

419
00:34:02.890 --> 00:34:06.529
did you get through? What were
some of the things that helped you?

420
00:34:07.650 --> 00:34:15.480
So I had the opportunity of designing
a game poster for the jets when I

421
00:34:15.639 --> 00:34:22.719
was over there, and I remember, I mean, meeting those guys that

422
00:34:22.880 --> 00:34:28.750
connect and there were incredible people.
And when I was back in New York

423
00:34:28.789 --> 00:34:32.469
and working, I started designing the
poster and, you know, being in

424
00:34:32.550 --> 00:34:38.659
communication with them, and I think
I was in one of my darkest like

425
00:34:38.820 --> 00:34:45.420
stages, you know. Yeah,
I didn't. I don't know was I

426
00:34:45.539 --> 00:34:47.820
was in a very dark place,
I was very depressed, I was not

427
00:34:47.940 --> 00:34:52.449
myself and I you know, sometimes
you create the best work when you're feeling

428
00:34:52.489 --> 00:34:57.289
like that. But for me,
I couldn't even create, you know,

429
00:34:57.409 --> 00:35:00.650
and I look back at that poster
and I remember crying in the middle of

430
00:35:00.690 --> 00:35:05.409
the night just being like Shit,
I you know, the imposter syndrome comes

431
00:35:05.449 --> 00:35:08.480
in, you know, and I
it's insecurity, self doubt, and I'm

432
00:35:08.519 --> 00:35:10.840
like I can't do that, like
I can't give it my all, and

433
00:35:12.000 --> 00:35:15.920
I don't know why, but I
think it's like a paralyzed me and I

434
00:35:15.119 --> 00:35:20.639
didn't. I still look back at
it and I'm like Oh, like I

435
00:35:20.840 --> 00:35:23.389
could have done so much more,
you know, I could have just done

436
00:35:23.510 --> 00:35:28.789
they because they wanted, you know, the hands an aspect and they just

437
00:35:28.909 --> 00:35:32.269
wanted me on the poster and I
wasn't able to fully deliver because I wasn't

438
00:35:32.269 --> 00:35:37.659
even myself. So I spoke to
a friend of ours from our circle and

439
00:35:37.739 --> 00:35:43.980
in New York and she recommended therapy, and therapy was something that I've always

440
00:35:43.980 --> 00:35:47.900
wanted to do, but for me
was going to therapy was accepting that there

441
00:35:47.940 --> 00:35:53.409
was something wrong with me. And
that's tough because I don't want you don't

442
00:35:53.409 --> 00:35:57.449
want anything to be wrong with you. You know, you want to be

443
00:35:57.449 --> 00:36:01.170
able to handle everything, because all
these people that you see on like instagrammers,

444
00:36:01.210 --> 00:36:07.840
it's socially unacceptable to not be able
to handle things. And and I

445
00:36:07.440 --> 00:36:12.960
just wanted my life to be normal
and I just wanted to be outgoing and

446
00:36:13.119 --> 00:36:15.679
oh, nothing bothers me, I'm
so cool, you know, and I

447
00:36:15.840 --> 00:36:24.110
but I wasn't, you know,
and so I think accepting that was because

448
00:36:24.190 --> 00:36:29.590
I didn't feel like myself anymore.
So there was another choice, because I

449
00:36:29.630 --> 00:36:35.539
wanted to get myself back. So
I started going to therapy actually a year

450
00:36:35.579 --> 00:36:42.139
ago. Yesterday all night was my
first appointment. Wow, in you know,

451
00:36:42.619 --> 00:36:45.380
looking back and trying to put some
of the dates together on my own,

452
00:36:45.820 --> 00:36:49.170
you know, there was some post
I remember. I remember a post

453
00:36:49.329 --> 00:36:52.010
in and I had to go look
back in the day, but it was

454
00:36:52.090 --> 00:36:57.449
November of nineteen where you had to
give a picture of yourself holding a screen

455
00:36:57.530 --> 00:37:00.519
print poster that you had done,
and I remember reaching out to you at

456
00:37:00.519 --> 00:37:05.719
that point because I was kind of
getting into the screen printing myself and with

457
00:37:05.840 --> 00:37:08.039
some of them the work that I
had done and just saying that's that's amazing,

458
00:37:08.199 --> 00:37:12.920
that's bass. I'm so glad you're
doing this. And and you mentioned,

459
00:37:13.280 --> 00:37:15.869
you know, this was this was
big for you because you were kind

460
00:37:15.869 --> 00:37:19.829
of putting yourself in your work in
that picture, right, if you're shy

461
00:37:19.909 --> 00:37:23.389
self in front of the camera.
And then there was there was another one

462
00:37:23.429 --> 00:37:30.659
that said self love is fucking hard
and that that's a that's an awesome poster.

463
00:37:30.900 --> 00:37:35.420
And and is it was this at
a time that you were really kind

464
00:37:35.460 --> 00:37:37.980
of in deeper. Had You you've
been coming out of it a little bit.

465
00:37:39.820 --> 00:37:45.809
I was in deep, but I
was curious enough to to be able

466
00:37:46.010 --> 00:37:52.289
to find out what it was that
I was the needed to be solved.

467
00:37:52.570 --> 00:37:59.280
You know, I when I moved
to New York and I started therapy.

468
00:37:59.480 --> 00:38:02.320
You know, the therapist recommended me
to do things that I loved and and

469
00:38:02.559 --> 00:38:07.519
and to escape, to find my
little places in New York. and Silk

470
00:38:07.519 --> 00:38:12.199
Screening is something that I've always loved
to do and I'm at my happiest when

471
00:38:12.239 --> 00:38:15.869
I'm so screening because I get my
hands dirty and the product and every is

472
00:38:15.989 --> 00:38:21.869
just amazing. I love the experience. So I enrolled myself in an asva

473
00:38:22.030 --> 00:38:29.059
class silk screen and, you know, going there and trying to find comfort

474
00:38:29.739 --> 00:38:37.619
in that and completely really surprised to
find out that everything about their kind of

475
00:38:37.659 --> 00:38:39.659
silks when it is different from what
I've learned. You know, they use

476
00:38:39.739 --> 00:38:45.849
different screens and technique is different,
there's different materials, and I was trying

477
00:38:45.889 --> 00:38:52.530
to find comfort that I've found just
confused ment and I lost again, you

478
00:38:52.610 --> 00:38:59.199
know, and that took me to
square one and I didn't go for a

479
00:38:59.320 --> 00:39:02.119
month, you know, and that, I think that was a one of

480
00:39:02.199 --> 00:39:07.000
my deepest and that's when I did
the self love. I started drawing it,

481
00:39:07.519 --> 00:39:14.230
because I wasn't seeing my worth,
I wasn't seeing my value, I

482
00:39:14.429 --> 00:39:19.429
wasn't seeing anything. Any of that
and affected me creatively, it affected me

483
00:39:19.590 --> 00:39:23.460
personally, and then it got to
a point where I was like I don't

484
00:39:23.500 --> 00:39:27.500
want this, like I don't like
why am I not going to sulks for

485
00:39:27.579 --> 00:39:30.539
anyone I love it so much,
like I need to break out of this.

486
00:39:31.659 --> 00:39:35.260
And then that's when I went back
and that's when I did all those

487
00:39:35.420 --> 00:39:38.250
prints and that gave me a boost, you know, that was just like

488
00:39:38.929 --> 00:39:44.210
okay, I'm not an imposter.
I am actually, I know, I

489
00:39:44.409 --> 00:39:47.969
like, you know, it just
it pushed me and and that helped me

490
00:39:49.050 --> 00:39:52.650
a ton. And, you know, and receiving your comment was like,

491
00:39:52.079 --> 00:39:58.280
Oh my God, John, while
ages like how and that helps so much.

492
00:39:58.320 --> 00:40:00.599
And I don't you know, I
don't know people realize what it means

493
00:40:00.639 --> 00:40:07.710
when when someone reaches out and it's
just like that honesty and that like hey,

494
00:40:07.829 --> 00:40:10.309
man, like I actually like that, you know, or are you

495
00:40:10.469 --> 00:40:15.469
doing great? And stuff like that. And I think by putting yourself out

496
00:40:15.469 --> 00:40:22.260
there, you allow that to happen, you know, and and and yeah,

497
00:40:22.340 --> 00:40:27.539
that that that was when I was
beginning to to to get a little

498
00:40:27.539 --> 00:40:55.719
better. Most people, you know, a lot of people who, I

499
00:40:55.760 --> 00:40:59.199
don't want to say most, in
categorize the whole thing. But we'll say,

500
00:40:59.360 --> 00:41:01.280
you know, hey, this is
sports, this create if you have

501
00:41:01.360 --> 00:41:05.389
to deal with it, this is
our lives. You know. How do

502
00:41:05.550 --> 00:41:09.429
we think? I've talked to many
people who I've recommended, you know,

503
00:41:10.510 --> 00:41:15.349
go see a therapist. It'll help, you know, and stop trying to

504
00:41:15.389 --> 00:41:19.860
do this on your own. How
do we how do we normalize, in

505
00:41:19.980 --> 00:41:22.420
your opinion, how do we help, you know, normalize this as something

506
00:41:22.500 --> 00:41:29.659
that is not a sign of weakness. Right. The thing that has helped

507
00:41:29.739 --> 00:41:32.289
me, and recently I just kind
of clicked, and something that my therapist

508
00:41:32.369 --> 00:41:37.090
has been telling me, that's that
therapy is kind of like a gym for

509
00:41:37.250 --> 00:41:44.449
the mind. So if going to
the gym is socially acceptable to build your

510
00:41:44.570 --> 00:41:51.039
strength physically, then going to therapy
to build your strength mentally should be as

511
00:41:51.159 --> 00:41:55.559
acceptable as as a gym, you
know what I mean? Like for me,

512
00:41:55.920 --> 00:42:04.469
I've tried in healthy verset of tried
three years and going vegetarian, and

513
00:42:05.190 --> 00:42:12.309
I've tried fitness and but I've never
really been super consistent with it until I

514
00:42:12.429 --> 00:42:15.219
started therapy. And therapy has been
something that's been constant in my life for

515
00:42:15.340 --> 00:42:22.539
a year now, and for me
it was tackling my mind first and then

516
00:42:22.659 --> 00:42:25.340
everything kind of falls into place,
you know, and it works differently for

517
00:42:25.500 --> 00:42:29.059
other people. For other people is
like, all right, I have to

518
00:42:29.059 --> 00:42:30.849
get into a routine of running every
single day and that's going to help me

519
00:42:31.250 --> 00:42:37.929
in other aspects of my life.
And I think normalizing therapies giving people tools

520
00:42:37.289 --> 00:42:44.170
out there to to to know how
to deal with with with whatever they're going

521
00:42:44.250 --> 00:42:49.880
through, you know, whatever demons
that were going through. I I didn't

522
00:42:50.079 --> 00:42:53.719
Um, I didn't accept my demons
at one point, you know, because

523
00:42:53.760 --> 00:42:58.480
I was like I don't want them, so why are they he or why?

524
00:42:58.670 --> 00:43:00.750
What's like? What is going I
don't understand this, you know.

525
00:43:00.949 --> 00:43:07.269
And and once I started therapy that
kind of went away. You know,

526
00:43:07.590 --> 00:43:10.989
you just you don't want them here, but they're there, so you kind

527
00:43:12.030 --> 00:43:15.500
of have to work through them and
get curious and why they're there and you

528
00:43:15.619 --> 00:43:21.420
know, and that kind of unraveled
everything else for me. Yeah, there's

529
00:43:22.059 --> 00:43:27.530
there's a picture in some video of
you skateboarding and in talking about being authentic,

530
00:43:29.090 --> 00:43:32.530
the social media imposter syndrome, it
designed, twitter, whatever you want

531
00:43:32.570 --> 00:43:37.289
to call it. It's kind of
crushing our souls, a lot of people's

532
00:43:37.289 --> 00:43:39.170
souls. There are times I just
have to put it down, you know,

533
00:43:39.369 --> 00:43:45.559
and many times I've had to walk
away. How you embrace this notion

534
00:43:45.719 --> 00:43:52.599
of pure authenticity and just, you
know, being real, focusing on things

535
00:43:52.719 --> 00:43:59.230
that bring me joy and then make
me happy? And I think I didn't

536
00:43:59.349 --> 00:44:06.349
before, because you're just trying to
live up to this facade that's social media

537
00:44:07.190 --> 00:44:09.619
and, Um, trying to be
like everybody else, you know, and

538
00:44:09.940 --> 00:44:17.900
I think cultivating your differences and cultivating
things that make you happy and and really

539
00:44:19.059 --> 00:44:23.530
grow on that. I think that
just brings you like an inner piece and

540
00:44:23.730 --> 00:44:30.849
and happy. It's honestly like I
used to skateboard when I was in middle

541
00:44:30.849 --> 00:44:34.769
school, high school, I did
a little bit in college and then I

542
00:44:35.329 --> 00:44:38.760
stopped doing it, you know,
and I wanted to start doing it again

543
00:44:39.599 --> 00:44:45.960
and but I was paralyzed by fear
again because of self doubt and and just

544
00:44:45.280 --> 00:44:47.239
like I'm twenty nine, with the
heck, am I going to do an

545
00:44:47.239 --> 00:44:55.110
escape ARD now? So I yeah, and up to recently, I I've

546
00:44:55.150 --> 00:44:58.389
been telling my partner, I was
like, Oh, I want, I

547
00:44:58.510 --> 00:45:01.070
want to skip or on Skateboard,
and he gave me one for my birthday

548
00:45:01.110 --> 00:45:06.550
and we built it together and and
I was just like this is it,

549
00:45:06.750 --> 00:45:10.619
this is I just have to do
more of the things that make me happy.

550
00:45:10.780 --> 00:45:15.019
And now I've gone to a routine
where I'm skateboarding every every morning,

551
00:45:15.139 --> 00:45:17.179
you know. Yeah, up until
recently. I fell yesterday, but that's

552
00:45:17.659 --> 00:45:22.090
Oh, no, yeah, it
wasn't wearing my pants anyway either and my

553
00:45:22.170 --> 00:45:28.289
helmet and I over overworked myself a
little bit at it. Yeah, okay,

554
00:45:28.769 --> 00:45:30.849
it's so important, you know,
and once, once you get to

555
00:45:31.010 --> 00:45:34.929
that point. Where not there yet, but I'm working on it. When

556
00:45:35.409 --> 00:45:38.519
you're just doing things because they make
you happy and not because of anything else,

557
00:45:39.840 --> 00:45:44.800
then that's when you're about to take
off. And Tyler said it really,

558
00:45:45.079 --> 00:45:50.989
really great on the PODCAST. He
said to be able to reach your

559
00:45:51.110 --> 00:45:54.190
highest potential you have to be conscious, you know, and and and,

560
00:45:54.510 --> 00:45:59.469
and that's something that really stuck with
me and I'm that's something that I'm working

561
00:45:59.469 --> 00:46:00.670
on because I want to be conscious, I want to be in control of

562
00:46:01.309 --> 00:46:05.820
my emotions and I want to reach
my potential, you know, because I'm

563
00:46:05.940 --> 00:46:09.579
just tired of self doubt and I'm
tired of bringing myself down and the self

564
00:46:09.619 --> 00:46:17.139
sabotage that it's unacceptable to me at
this point. Yeah, absolutely, you.

565
00:46:19.289 --> 00:46:22.610
You know, we've been through this
now. We're going on six months

566
00:46:22.650 --> 00:46:27.130
in this craziness. So that that
is the pandemic and and safer at home

567
00:46:27.170 --> 00:46:30.010
and quarantine, and I feel like
we kind of all watch the same the

568
00:46:30.170 --> 00:46:36.840
same Burne Brown thing is the beginning
of this, because you quoted her saying

569
00:46:37.280 --> 00:46:42.079
to practice courage, compassion and connection
is to look at life in the people

570
00:46:42.079 --> 00:46:46.469
around us and say I'm all in
and this was a post about about spending

571
00:46:46.469 --> 00:46:50.510
your days, is safer, at
home with your boyfriend and rock into some

572
00:46:50.869 --> 00:46:53.429
dope s music in the design that
you made. What does it mean for

573
00:46:53.469 --> 00:46:59.590
you to be compassionate and connected during
these insane times that were in, because

574
00:46:59.590 --> 00:47:02.380
you mentioned, you know, it's
seven with your partner at that point and

575
00:47:02.460 --> 00:47:08.300
that can be taxing, to say
the least. Yeah, absolutely, I

576
00:47:09.420 --> 00:47:15.460
you know, giving people a break
being one understanding, checking up on people.

577
00:47:15.579 --> 00:47:20.929
You know everybody is going through through, through something. We're all going

578
00:47:21.050 --> 00:47:29.090
through a different problems and just reaching
out and and and not getting so what's

579
00:47:29.130 --> 00:47:34.079
that sucked in into oneself, that
you forget the people around you are in

580
00:47:34.239 --> 00:47:38.639
need of care and love to and
that's something that I've always kind of stuck

581
00:47:38.679 --> 00:47:44.239
with. I and it's a good
thing and a bad thing, where I

582
00:47:44.429 --> 00:47:51.789
kind of focus more on the people
outside than myself and I care more about

583
00:47:51.829 --> 00:47:54.269
that other people are happy and they
feel loved and they I you know,

584
00:47:54.510 --> 00:48:00.500
I go above and beyond to make
everybody feel at ease and and and and

585
00:48:00.980 --> 00:48:07.380
comfort, and I mean comfortable and
just loved, because that's something that I

586
00:48:07.860 --> 00:48:10.380
didn't want anybody to feel left out
or alone. You know what I mean,

587
00:48:10.420 --> 00:48:14.889
because I feel that way. So
I overdo it by given to other

588
00:48:15.010 --> 00:48:17.650
people and that is I don't give
it to myself, which is terrible,

589
00:48:17.730 --> 00:48:24.130
but I'm learning. Yeah, the
guaranting was was tough, you know,

590
00:48:24.489 --> 00:48:29.960
and being with a partner seven is
insane. You know, I started becoming

591
00:48:29.960 --> 00:48:35.039
a fan of the simpsons, which
I never did before, but it's it's

592
00:48:35.119 --> 00:48:40.789
great. I that made us grow
a lot. We there was breaking point

593
00:48:42.590 --> 00:48:45.469
when I started therapy. I told
my therapist, and I described it to

594
00:48:45.590 --> 00:48:51.110
her, that I felt like I
was in a foggy storm and I couldn't

595
00:48:51.110 --> 00:48:54.349
see the light, like I felt
very lost and it was just fog all

596
00:48:54.429 --> 00:49:01.099
around me. And it was a
point in quarantine where the relationship was struggling

597
00:49:01.139 --> 00:49:06.579
because, you know, we're all
going through problems and trying to be there

598
00:49:06.699 --> 00:49:13.570
for ourselves and for each other is
very hard. And we decided to do

599
00:49:13.610 --> 00:49:16.489
a little separation, so I stay
in the apartment and he went up with

600
00:49:16.650 --> 00:49:22.369
his family for a while for bit, for a few days, and we

601
00:49:22.690 --> 00:49:28.400
always like leave notes to each other
to for support, reassurance and and and

602
00:49:29.159 --> 00:49:35.639
because we just loved doing that as
creative people and I remember when he left,

603
00:49:35.679 --> 00:49:37.480
I was just like, Oh my
God, I'm I feel alone,

604
00:49:37.670 --> 00:49:42.150
you know. It was just like, I can't really go outside, he's

605
00:49:42.230 --> 00:49:45.150
not here. What the heck?
I'm supposed to not be with myself,

606
00:49:45.309 --> 00:49:51.349
like what? And I went to
his studio kind of looking for that note,

607
00:49:51.510 --> 00:49:55.579
you know, looking for him,
and sounds very cheesy and whatnot,

608
00:49:55.619 --> 00:50:00.139
but I w looking for him and
I found myself in him, if that

609
00:50:00.260 --> 00:50:06.539
makes any sense. I was reading
the note and that's that's when it clicked.

610
00:50:14.769 --> 00:50:17.409
The relationship became like a mirror to
me. You know, I to

611
00:50:17.570 --> 00:50:22.199
have someone who pushes you and self
as selfish, selfless, loves you and

612
00:50:22.280 --> 00:50:27.239
supports you and wants you to be
happy, regardless of anything. I think

613
00:50:27.239 --> 00:50:30.800
it's the best thing that can someone
can give to you, you know,

614
00:50:30.320 --> 00:50:34.599
and that gave me strength and helped
me in ways that I don't think I

615
00:50:34.639 --> 00:50:39.710
could put into words. And that
moment is where I kind of saw the

616
00:50:39.829 --> 00:50:44.150
light, the light rays coming in
and I was like, Oh, fuck,

617
00:50:44.869 --> 00:50:47.389
like, I'm supposed to love each
other. I'm the I'm sorry,

618
00:50:47.550 --> 00:50:51.619
I'm supposed to love myself. I'm
supposed I'm worthy of all this. This

619
00:50:51.780 --> 00:50:55.340
is what I've always wanted, like
what am I doing? Why am I

620
00:50:55.460 --> 00:50:59.460
focusing and all the negatives? Why
is my mind going to all that,

621
00:51:00.619 --> 00:51:06.690
you know, and I just became
very proud of and I've never you know,

622
00:51:06.809 --> 00:51:08.889
it's really hard for me to say
that I'm proud of myself, but

623
00:51:09.409 --> 00:51:15.489
of all the work that I had
done in the therapy and just recognizing certain

624
00:51:15.489 --> 00:51:17.570
patterns that I'm like, I'm becoming
this person that I'm not and I don't

625
00:51:17.570 --> 00:51:22.760
want to do that. So I
have to put in the work to to

626
00:51:22.880 --> 00:51:28.159
be conscious enough of it and to
change that. And Yeah, that's when

627
00:51:28.199 --> 00:51:31.199
it finally like I was like,
Oh, I get it, you know.

628
00:51:31.400 --> 00:51:54.699
Yeah, pretty sure, because I
opening and and there's a lot of

629
00:51:54.780 --> 00:51:58.659
people who are who are where you
were. There's a lot of creatives who

630
00:51:58.659 --> 00:52:00.139
are where you're where. There's those, there's a lot of people being a

631
00:52:00.219 --> 00:52:07.210
furloughed and laid off of their jobs
as designers and photographers and who are struggling

632
00:52:07.210 --> 00:52:09.250
in this time. Are probably deep
in the same fog that that you are

633
00:52:09.329 --> 00:52:13.809
in, the same fog that I
was in at one point. What,

634
00:52:14.329 --> 00:52:19.960
what advice would you give them in
this case of where we're at now,

635
00:52:21.440 --> 00:52:23.599
for those who are struggling and may
not, may not see that they can

636
00:52:23.679 --> 00:52:30.670
dig their way out of this.
Man to keep trying, to really really

637
00:52:30.750 --> 00:52:36.309
keep trying, and to not be
so hard on themselves. You know you

638
00:52:36.869 --> 00:52:40.349
can't get out of it. It's
possible, like it's just patience and it's

639
00:52:40.429 --> 00:52:45.539
really sitting down with yourself and and
you know, when you get reactive about

640
00:52:45.659 --> 00:52:50.900
certain things and certain triggers or emotion, Hercury is up. You know,

641
00:52:51.179 --> 00:52:53.619
be curious about it. You know, dig into like, what is it

642
00:52:53.780 --> 00:53:00.289
that's causing those where? Like really
sit with yourself and not ignoring and not

643
00:53:00.050 --> 00:53:06.730
self savage and self harming psychologically.
You know yourself. Just be patient and

644
00:53:06.929 --> 00:53:12.250
and know that you're there's worth,
you know, and positive things are going

645
00:53:12.250 --> 00:53:15.239
to calm your way and and you
will get out of it, like it

646
00:53:16.760 --> 00:53:21.320
you not just you can't get stuck
in there like. You will get out

647
00:53:21.360 --> 00:53:25.880
of it, like you will happen. I will believe that, rocky.

648
00:53:25.960 --> 00:53:30.469
My final question I ask everyone who
comes on the show if you could go

649
00:53:30.590 --> 00:53:35.309
back to your childhood at any point
and have a chat with young roxy,

650
00:53:36.030 --> 00:53:38.909
what's one piece of advice you would
tell her, after knowing what you know

651
00:53:39.070 --> 00:53:47.260
now? I would say embrace the
fact that your life looks different than everybody

652
00:53:47.300 --> 00:53:52.980
else's. Don't be so hard on
yourself because you're not the best at the

653
00:53:53.059 --> 00:53:57.610
art, Art Class, you're not
dating around, you're not going to parties.

654
00:53:58.130 --> 00:54:01.530
Just focus on what makes you happy
and be confident with yourself. You

655
00:54:01.650 --> 00:54:07.449
know, that's because you're all that
matters. You know, don't don't put

656
00:54:07.530 --> 00:54:13.119
your attention at anywhere else. But
you perfectly said. Back to Dominguez,

657
00:54:13.199 --> 00:54:16.159
thank you for spending the last hour
with me. I really appreciate it.

658
00:54:16.320 --> 00:54:20.159
That was, I was, an
amazing conversation. Thank you so much.

659
00:54:20.960 --> 00:54:24.309
Thank you so much, man,
you're your support and has been incredible and

660
00:54:24.389 --> 00:54:28.949
I admire you so much and think
the fact that you're doing this, this

661
00:54:29.110 --> 00:54:32.070
is just get the conversation started so
important, you know, because many of

662
00:54:32.150 --> 00:54:37.150
us out there, I need to
hear this and you know, it makes

663
00:54:37.190 --> 00:54:38.340
you feel so much better when you're
like, Oh, I'm not alone,

664
00:54:38.460 --> 00:54:44.539
right, you know, and and
providing this this platform. So thank you.

665
00:54:44.820 --> 00:54:49.699
You're welcome. It's been awesome.
So thanks again. Thank you,

666
00:54:57.690 --> 00:55:14.119
Hey, thanks for sticking around till
the end. Here to clarify, when

667
00:55:14.119 --> 00:55:19.320
Roxy was speaking in the specific language
of the Astros CDG is our friend Chris

668
00:55:19.360 --> 00:55:24.710
David Garcia and BDH is Astros,
amazing photographer Alex Barons Dehan, to really

669
00:55:24.710 --> 00:55:30.070
amazing humans and great friends of both
of ours. Make sure you go follow

670
00:55:30.110 --> 00:55:35.230
roxy and see her work on Instagram
at Roxy Dom's. That's our X Y

671
00:55:35.820 --> 00:55:38.579
M Z. and if you enjoyed
this podcast and can do me a huge

672
00:55:38.619 --> 00:55:43.780
favor, go leave a review on
apple or spotify and I would greatly appreciate

673
00:55:43.820 --> 00:55:45.059
it. And, as always,
if you want to hit me up on

674
00:55:45.099 --> 00:55:51.409
twitter, it's at creative af or
at John Willie. That's Jo n W

675
00:55:51.610 --> 00:55:55.929
illuy. You can also find me
on Instagram at Willie art or J Willie

676
00:55:55.929 --> 00:56:00.650
photo. I really appreciate you all
and please, please, take care of

677
00:56:00.690 --> 00:56:01.570
yourself. poculator.