Between Ready for Anything or Que Será, Será

WEBVTT
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Music.
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Welcome back to Unfiltered Perspectives. I'm Tara. I'm Kimberly.
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And I'm Leslie. Today, we're talking about worry.
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Are you a worrier? Like, do you have contingency plans for your contingency plans?
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Really? Do you wake up at three o'clock in the morning running through what-if
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scenarios like you're training for some kind of Olympic event?
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Or perhaps this may be you. Are you waking up at 3 o'clock in the morning making
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to-do lists for you, your spouse, your son, all to handle as soon as business phone lines open?
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Wow. No? Just me? Okay, fine. It is not just you.
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We are digging into what worry really is, whether it's all bad,
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and how to reframe it so it doesn't run your life or your family's.
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This is Unfiltered Perspectives, where real talk leads to real growth and every
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perspective is valued. Great intro, as usual.
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And, man, I feel like every topic we've had for the past, what,
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has it been a year and a half? Something like that, yes.
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I can relate to. So I'm not really sure that's a good thing or not.
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But I can definitely relate to this one. I am a hundred percent a worrier.
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I've often heard it said, well, most recently, don't worry before it's time.
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Well, I like to not worry at all, but I'm a worrier.
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And that getting up at three o'clock in the morning, I'm probably not getting
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up at three. I'm probably still up at three. Oh yeah.
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Worrying, pre-planning, writing, because I write everything down also.
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I'm definitely a worrier. Yeah.
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Obviously, as you can tell by the introduction, I definitely am.
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Kim, what about you? So I am not a worrier.
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And I think I want to take a little issue with some of your framing because
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I'm not a worrier. I don't think I'm a worrier.
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I am, though, a lister and a planner.
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And because I have my list and plans, it means I don't have to worry.
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So what issue are you taking with the framing? The idea that like if you're
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up making lists and doing plans, that means that you're a worrier.
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So like let me ask you, what do you think the difference is between planning
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and obsessing over control?
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And the reason I put it that way is because for myself, my worry,
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I think it tends less towards necessarily planning ahead. And it really is more
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about obsessing over control.
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That's what when I'm up at three o'clock in the morning, it might start out as planning.
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But when I'm getting down to the very like minute details about like,
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and if this happens in that and that and that like, like that when contingency
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upon contingency upon contingency, that's a problem, at least for me.
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I hear you. So this actually,
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this worry that stems from a lack of control is exactly where I engage spiritual
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practice and spiritual discipline.
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Because part of my spiritual practice is around recognizing that I actually don't have control.
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I'm not in control. There are some things that I am in control over.
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And there are many, many, many, many, many things in the world that I have no control over.
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And so part of my spiritual practice is to be able to recognize and distinguish
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between the two, to do the things that I can and let go, release those things
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that I don't have any control over.
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And I recognize that that is what would lead for me to have a much less stressful life on some days.
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And I'm going to get to my scripture early, which is Matthew chapter 6,
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verse 34, which says, therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow,
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for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.
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Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. And I know that what,
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you know, what's being said here is, you know, Jesus wasn't saying don't care, right?
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He was just saying, don't live in the future at the expense of the present.
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And that is absolutely, even knowing this, that is what I tend to do.
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I worry, like, I was trying to think of a suitable analogy, like planning ahead.
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It's like making a grocery list, right? Right.
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And sometimes what I do is it goes far beyond that.
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It's making the grocery list. It's planning for what happens if my car breaks
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down on the way to the grocery store. It's what, you know, that kind of thing.
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It's just too much. It's too much. And I know it's a problem.
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And so I know I do sometimes need to like just do something.
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And sometimes during the waking hours, when it's light enough outside and I
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have a pen and paper, I can write things down and get that out of my head.
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But three o'clock in the morning lights are out john asleep and one way came up,
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those things have no place to go to rattle
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back and forth around my head right and each new
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thing brings up something else well what but then what if this
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i'm like oh my gosh girl girl well well first of all i was gonna hit y'all with
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a scripture but that was the one so now i don't have to I'm sorry no it was
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very you know fitting but I'm I'm a planner a lister or is a lister a lister,
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I I write everything down but then again too I obsess over like you said I can
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write it down but I'm already like what if this doesn't work so even I have a plan after the plan.
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If that makes sense like okay I
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have to make a plan in case a plan b you know
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but I always it's it's always a constant worry
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and I worry about everything that's bad I worry about everything I don't know
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what it's like to be worry-free I've had very little experience with being worry-free
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wow and that's that's that's that's not healthy for one it's not it's not healthy at all.
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But, you know, maybe by the end of this call, we can come up with some strategies
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to, you know, combat the worry.
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Yeah, we're relying on Kimberly for that. But so here's the thing.
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I worry about things that it doesn't even make sense to worry.
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They're not even my own worries. Like, right?
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What do you mean they're not your own worries? Okay, so for instance,
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let's say, and I'm going to use Matthew as an example, because I know his being
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my son and me like feeling the need to always plan for everything.
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I know that must have put a lot of stress on him and it might still put a lot of stress on him.
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It used to be that like when he was say in elementary school or middle school even,
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I would wake up like two o'clock in the morning and need to check canvas
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to make sure like to see make sure like certain assignments were turned in like
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what the grade was on it and if they weren't or like like be ready to like wake
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him up as soon as it was time to wake up and like well what's going on with
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this what's going on with that have you done this did you do that did you that
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kind of thing and that's a lot that's a lot because first of all.
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He always had it handled. He always had it handled.
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He knew, he knew better than me, obviously what was going on in the class because
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he didn't want to sit through it every day rather than me looking at the thing on the thing.
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And I'm like, and sometimes like, even now he was like, mom,
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is this going to be like an option you're going to worry about?
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I'm like, dang. Probably, probably.
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So I've been learning, I've been trying, I've been learning,
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I've been trying to not let that be me and definitely not to try and not let
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that be my interactions with him.
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I'm definitely not always successful. And one day, maybe on raw relationships, our work,
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he and I will have a discussion about what it's like to be an adult child or,
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you know, son of a worrying parent.
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Well, look, does he worry in the same way that you do?
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No, because he already knows that he has his mess. He already knows what needs to be done.
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I think that if he does have any worries, because I put that stress on him,
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I recognize that. And I'm so sorry.
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But yeah so that's that's what
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it's like to be this because
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it's also not that I think I also hear you saying it's not he also doesn't so
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he doesn't he hasn't taken on your worry but he also doesn't give you reason
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to worry right he hasn't just sort of turned over responsibility for his things
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to you because you'll handle it. Correct. Yeah.
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But sometimes I feel like if I didn't like nag, then I'm not sure that it would,
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be done but of course it would be done that's just me and the control thing
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again there's no sense in both of you worrying because you're gonna worry for
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the both of them yeah probably but also there's no need for it i mean like yeah.
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Wow there's like another expression that i always think
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of around worry that no sense
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borrowing trouble oh yeah
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i haven't heard that in a while yeah yeah trouble going
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trouble gonna come or not no need to borrow some
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no need one to borrow somebody else's trouble
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and certainly to borrow the future's trouble
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i got enough of
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mine yes sometimes it's
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the case it's at a point where like if i know
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i have to make a phone call let's say to insurance company or
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whatever dealing with whatever I will
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have a full script written out in my head ready
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to go go go and it gets resolved in
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the first couple of questions and very amicably I mean I mean my scripts are
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always amicable in my head are always amicable anyway but in my head I've already
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run down what to do if they gave me attitude what to do if they say this what
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to do if they say that and by and large I would say 80% of the time never even
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gets to that point but I'm ready if it does.
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So here I want to make a distinction between worry and
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preparation and I want part of the
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distinction is just like how it feels for you because I prepare
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but then that preparing gives me a feeling of ease so I will also sort of have
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go through my little script and I may write it down or may not but having done
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that that then gives me a sense of ease and I don't feel worried And I was getting
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ready to say what you just explained, Tara,
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about having your scripture ready. It's preparation.
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Yeah. Which is not a bad thing.
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Right. I agree. Preparation is not a bad thing. But for me...
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My preparation comes with a lot of intensity, a lot of tension, a lot of tension.
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Big feelings. Yes, Kim, big feelings.
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Just how I'm wired. So I was going to ask a question, but I don't remember what
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it was. I should have been more prepared.
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You should have been. I'm about to say, you should have wrote it down.
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It'll come back to you. Yeah. And isn't it stated that worry is a sin?
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Oh, that I don't know. Is it? Is it? Or is that just something people say?
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I'll have to look that up. I do know that there's a verse that says something
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about be still and know that I am God.
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But basically, stop worrying about everything.
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This thought is not in charge of me. God is in charge of all of it.
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Yeah. Take care of us. I don't have to worry if I trust in him, believe in him.
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But yeah, I think. I don't think there's a scripture about worrying being a sin.
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I think it's just something that believers have just kind of picked up along the way.
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Other than this feeling of needing to be in control, where else do you think
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that worry, the people who do worry, where does it come from?
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Oh, my goodness. That could be a multitude of things.
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It could be experience, history, lack.
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When I think about lack, I'm thinking about finances. I have,
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you know, responsibilities.
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And if the money is not there, you wondering how things are going to get done.
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You know, it could be from bad health. I mean, that's loaded.
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Yeah. It's loaded. Yeah. I mean, I think some of it also probably really does come from experience.
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So I'm thinking about worry about like the future, like what will happen on
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some worry about what will happen is around.
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How the worrier shows up, right? How prepared they are or not.
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But sometimes that worry about the future is like how the other person will respond.
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When I say this thing, when I do this thing, how will the other person respond?
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I've been hearing a lot about, I think probably because of what's going on in
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the world, sort of like workplace anxiety.
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And people who like, I think I just read something about a person who would
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cry in their car every morning before going into work.
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Their workplace was so stressful right and
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that worry is because you know that when you
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go into work you're gonna like have these negative
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interactions and that's not guessing that it's
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probably going to be bad that is well every day this week has been bad and the
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people are still the same so I can bet that when I go in it will be a bad experience
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because my experience has shown me that I will get like negative reaction from
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other people not anything about like what I do myself,
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I think that leads to a kind of worry or anxiety also.
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Yeah, I agree. So we talked about writing things down. It provides a sense of relief for you, Kim.
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But like what other practical steps or things do you guys think we can do to
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cut down on this level of worry?
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Honestly, I don't think it's ever something I will ever be able to ever to completely
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eliminate, but I would like to know how to handle it better.
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And, and as I asked this question, I'm going to say, it's easy for me to give
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other people advice about what to do when this happens. Cause I do have friends
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and a couple of people in particular who I ain't got nothing on them.
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So, and I know what I say to them, but what, what works for you guys? What do you think works?
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Nothing. Nothing's working for me, Oh, nothing's working for me,
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but I don't necessarily believe, I don't know that it's necessarily going to
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take away the worry, but I know, you know, doing something that can calm you in the moment.
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Like meditation or yoga or just getting your mind off of whatever the worry
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is, exercise, reading, music.
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There are different things that can kind of calm you in the moment.
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Not working for me, however, but it may work for somebody out there.
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Yeah. Just, you know, different hobbies and just different things that kind
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of calms your spirit, I guess.
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Yeah. I think that's a good one, sort of distracting you from the worry with
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something else, especially if it's something like positive and affirming.
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I have a couple of other strategies.
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So one of them, I already mentioned the listing, right? Like listing, preparing.
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I think preparing is one strategy to help with worry and listing is a good way to do that.
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Another thing that I sometimes do is worst case scenario.
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This showed up in a show that I used to watch. What was the show? This Is Us.
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And so one of the things that the Black couple used to do in This Is Us,
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is they would sort of list out,
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like, if they were, like, as a couple or one in the couple, like,
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worried about some event, they would, like, list out worst possible case scenario, right?
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And so I do find that that kind of worst case scenario planning is a helpful
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worry because, one, there might be things that once I do that,
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like worst case scenario that I actually can prepare for.
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And often if I list out the worst case scenarios, I may find that they are not
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as bad. They are not so bad.
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Like the worst that can happen is actually not so bad. Sometimes it really is,
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but you know, you do what you can do. Another.
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Is meditation but especially
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around like the thoughts and the spiraling
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when I first started meditating one of
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the kind of tools that I would use in the in
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like in the meditation and stuff I was not one of those try to
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clear your mind and empty your mind and be
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like floating transcendently I even now
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have many thoughts when I'm meditating but to
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imagine my thoughts each thought
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as a monkey swinging from a tree so like
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so so the thought is like
00:18:07.495 --> 00:18:10.255
the monkey swinging to one branch and then the next thought is
00:18:10.255 --> 00:18:13.255
it swings to a next branch and I'm just as these
00:18:13.255 --> 00:18:16.155
thoughts are coming each thought is just this
00:18:16.155 --> 00:18:19.675
monkey swinging from branch to branch to
00:18:19.675 --> 00:18:22.715
branch and it's a way for me to not pretend to clear my mind
00:18:22.715 --> 00:18:25.795
but really just to like let go to and not
00:18:25.795 --> 00:18:28.955
even necessarily to let go but just kind of like watch the
00:18:28.955 --> 00:18:32.375
thoughts and like notice the flow from
00:18:32.375 --> 00:18:35.475
thought to thought but not get attached to
00:18:35.475 --> 00:18:38.515
it i'm noticing thoughts i'm noticing the
00:18:38.515 --> 00:18:41.335
flow of the thoughts i'm noticing like how they go
00:18:41.335 --> 00:18:45.395
if this happens and that and that but i'm
00:18:45.395 --> 00:18:48.175
not even as i'm like describing it i'm just flowing in
00:18:48.175 --> 00:18:52.135
my body but i'm not attached to any other thoughts something
00:18:52.135 --> 00:18:55.295
to try that's definitely something to try and I
00:18:55.295 --> 00:18:58.475
like how you talked about the what if thinking
00:18:58.475 --> 00:19:02.315
I had read someplace reframing what.
00:19:02.315 --> 00:19:06.995
If thinking to even if thinking so you're like what if this bad thing happens.
00:19:06.995 --> 00:19:11.895
So saying that you say well even if it does happen this is what I'll do I love
00:19:11.895 --> 00:19:18.215
that this is what I'll do what if to evenness I had a situation that could have
00:19:18.215 --> 00:19:20.815
turned And not been a good ending,
00:19:21.375 --> 00:19:22.715
not the best ending.
00:19:23.315 --> 00:19:26.655
But I think I had, even though I worried about it,
00:19:27.399 --> 00:19:31.119
I think I finally, with this situation, got to the point of,
00:19:31.639 --> 00:19:34.459
okay, what if that thing does happen?
00:19:35.579 --> 00:19:39.039
Is it the worst situation? It might be uncomfortable.
00:19:39.339 --> 00:19:42.159
It might even be a little bit embarrassing. But is that like,
00:19:42.339 --> 00:19:44.259
is it going to take you out of here?
00:19:44.639 --> 00:19:49.159
You know what I mean? Is it going to take you out of here? Can you recover from that?
00:19:50.659 --> 00:19:54.239
And so, thank God it didn't come to that.
00:19:54.239 --> 00:20:00.139
But I think if I can do that a little bit more, look at the worst case scenario,
00:20:00.159 --> 00:20:04.599
like you guys just said, if this happens, what does that mean for me?
00:20:04.759 --> 00:20:06.199
What is my next move after that?
00:20:07.339 --> 00:20:12.219
As you were talking, it reminded me of something else that I like to tell other people.
00:20:12.439 --> 00:20:16.419
And I've had to practice it myself. I remember even being in high school or something like that.
00:20:16.519 --> 00:20:21.119
I would think, oh, my God, if this happened, OK, it happens.
00:20:21.319 --> 00:20:23.259
The earth is not going to open up and swallow me.
00:20:23.839 --> 00:20:26.659
You know what I mean? It's going to keep on going. So whatever.
00:20:28.219 --> 00:20:33.899
If it happens, it happens and we move on. And for me too, when you're a people pleaser.
00:20:36.639 --> 00:20:43.659
Or you worry about other people's opinions of you, that can weigh heavy on you
00:20:43.659 --> 00:20:50.079
because even thinking back to the same situation a couple of weeks ago, the end result is,
00:20:50.651 --> 00:20:53.791
was was going to be uncomfortable but I
00:20:53.791 --> 00:20:56.951
also struggled with what I'm going
00:20:56.951 --> 00:21:00.171
to look like to other people which which added
00:21:00.171 --> 00:21:03.071
to the worry yeah it wasn't just
00:21:03.071 --> 00:21:06.291
about the thing it was about how people would see me if this
00:21:06.291 --> 00:21:09.291
incident were to you know go left or whatever so yeah yeah
00:21:09.291 --> 00:21:12.211
yeah that's where I engage I don't
00:21:12.211 --> 00:21:15.171
even know if it's extra strategy or like an attempt
00:21:15.171 --> 00:21:22.171
or this like really really trying to let go right to to let go of that which
00:21:22.171 --> 00:21:28.051
i cannot control i cannot control what i mean i just like i i cannot control
00:21:28.051 --> 00:21:32.371
how other people feel about what i do i really can't control how other people
00:21:32.371 --> 00:21:34.971
like act and respond to what i do,
00:21:36.011 --> 00:21:40.831
and i definitely can't control like whether other people do what i want them to do.
00:21:42.871 --> 00:21:45.791
And that's the part that hurts man but if only we could
00:21:45.791 --> 00:21:49.251
right what i want them to do man
00:21:49.251 --> 00:21:53.511
it would be so much easier but i
00:21:53.511 --> 00:21:56.611
think y'all came up with some pretty good strategies turn to
00:21:56.611 --> 00:21:59.331
scripture turn to recognizing that there's only
00:21:59.331 --> 00:22:02.151
so many things you can control the rest you shouldn't you can't worry
00:22:02.151 --> 00:22:05.151
about it because you have nothing you can do about it kim your
00:22:05.151 --> 00:22:07.871
suggestion about doing something and I think unless you
00:22:07.871 --> 00:22:11.431
spoke about it too to distract yourself meditation walking
00:22:11.431 --> 00:22:14.451
whatever just something to get your mind out of that that that
00:22:14.451 --> 00:22:17.371
loop right right even if it's just for the moment even if
00:22:17.371 --> 00:22:20.231
it's just temporary you give yourself a chance to kind
00:22:20.231 --> 00:22:26.411
of just pull things back together and I remember a while back I don't remember
00:22:26.411 --> 00:22:31.611
what the topic was Kim you had mentioned some grounding some a way to ground
00:22:31.611 --> 00:22:36.231
yourself you talked about like three things you could touch and like that I
00:22:36.231 --> 00:22:39.931
don't know what it was called so you can five senses meditation oh yeah,
00:22:40.671 --> 00:22:47.571
right so see touch hear smell taste I'm trying to remember the order of it it's
00:22:47.571 --> 00:22:49.971
probably five things that you see,
00:22:50.940 --> 00:22:54.020
Or things that you hear. I mean, I guess you can pick whichever order,
00:22:54.340 --> 00:22:56.260
any order that makes sense to you.
00:22:57.280 --> 00:23:00.440
But what it does is it gets you out of your head and gets you focusing more
00:23:00.440 --> 00:23:03.080
on sensation rather than where you are.
00:23:03.700 --> 00:23:08.900
Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. Yeah. And also the thing I said about what advice,
00:23:09.000 --> 00:23:13.260
what would you tell your best friend or someone who came to you with this particular kind of worry?
00:23:13.400 --> 00:23:16.700
I think that helps too. It's just pulling out these things out of your arsenal
00:23:16.700 --> 00:23:21.300
of tools at the right time that are a little tricky sometimes.
00:23:22.480 --> 00:23:26.200
We always know the right thing to say to the next person. Right.
00:23:27.600 --> 00:23:33.220
Also, here's the thing, because I think probably our biggest and best tool,
00:23:33.420 --> 00:23:37.920
it's not the one that I use most often, is the phone a friend.
00:23:37.920 --> 00:23:42.400
Because when you don't know which tool to use, when you don't remember to use
00:23:42.400 --> 00:23:45.500
a tool, phone a friend and they will remind you.
00:23:45.900 --> 00:23:48.200
Absolutely. Make sure it's the right friend.
00:23:50.880 --> 00:23:57.860
I'll share more about that later. Well, go ahead. Keep going.
00:23:58.940 --> 00:24:04.780
That's a topic right there. So, yeah, maybe it's not about never worrying or
00:24:04.780 --> 00:24:07.080
planning. It's about keeping worry.
00:24:07.920 --> 00:24:09.380
In its place. Yeah.
00:24:10.680 --> 00:24:15.420
Let it be something that, I guess, gives you a heads up, lets you plan,
00:24:15.640 --> 00:24:18.960
but doesn't actually take over or run, run your day, your mind,
00:24:19.060 --> 00:24:19.900
your thoughts, your life.
00:24:20.720 --> 00:24:25.880
That's what? Plan what you can. Trust God with the rest, right? And you know what, too?
00:24:26.220 --> 00:24:33.200
For me, I think I worry, like I said a minute ago, I'm thinking about different
00:24:33.200 --> 00:24:36.620
situations and it's unfortunate that,
00:24:37.563 --> 00:24:41.923
For me, it's less about the issue and more about how people will see me.
00:24:42.123 --> 00:24:47.863
I think once I can get out of that space and looking like a failure to someone,
00:24:48.143 --> 00:24:50.063
I think I could probably worry less.
00:24:50.683 --> 00:24:54.823
Yeah. And I think I'm just now coming to that in this moment while we're talking.
00:24:55.083 --> 00:24:58.043
Well, I hope you get into that and you stay there.
00:24:58.203 --> 00:25:01.283
Because I got to tell you, life is great when you don't get too flicks of the
00:25:01.283 --> 00:25:05.563
wrist about what other people think of you. Not flicks of the wrist.
00:25:10.243 --> 00:25:12.983
So listeners if you've been
00:25:12.983 --> 00:25:16.723
listening to this and you're thinking yep i'm a warrior here you go you're in
00:25:16.723 --> 00:25:21.743
good company if you haven't had that thought then you're even in better company
00:25:21.743 --> 00:25:29.363
yay kim she ain't no warrior we're gonna go from warrior to warrior yes i I
00:25:29.363 --> 00:25:31.743
love that. From warrior to warrior.
00:25:33.343 --> 00:25:39.143
Yeah. If you are already earning your warrior points, tell us your strategies for being worry-free.
00:25:39.523 --> 00:25:42.823
We mention that. We love to hear it, put it to practice.
00:25:43.443 --> 00:25:46.503
Everyone's going to, you know, do something different, but whatever works for
00:25:46.503 --> 00:25:49.343
you. But we want to all be warriors and not warriors here.
00:25:50.043 --> 00:25:53.223
Hear, hear. Well, thanks, guys. Thanks for listening.
00:25:53.463 --> 00:25:56.963
This is Unfiltered Perspectives, where Real Talk leads to real growth.
00:25:56.963 --> 00:26:01.123
And as you can see right here, every perspective is indeed valued.
00:26:01.883 --> 00:26:05.143
Absolutely. Find us on the socials. We love to hear from you.
00:26:05.263 --> 00:26:07.143
It's been amazing. Great topic.
00:26:07.523 --> 00:26:11.803
We look forward to meeting up with you again in two weeks. The Warriors and
00:26:11.803 --> 00:26:13.803
the Warriors will be back here.
00:26:14.423 --> 00:26:17.423
We'll have one less Warrior because I'm going to become a Warrior.
00:26:18.000 --> 00:26:38.348
Music.