5 Boundary Truths

WEBVTT
00:00:01.919 --> 00:00:09.359
Hey everyone, welcome back to Trail Talks, the podcast where we talk about growth, the messy, the beautiful, and everything in between.
00:00:09.519 --> 00:00:19.359
I'm your host, Kelly Kruger, founder of Kelly Michelle Coaching, where we focus on mindset, emotional intelligence, and leadership, all grounded in real life and real science.
00:00:19.600 --> 00:00:32.240
And joining me is my co-host and partner in growth, founder of Leading People LLC, Terrace Donette, the leadership trainer and facilitator who brings insight, curiosity, and real-world perspective to every episode.
00:00:32.560 --> 00:00:37.840
So wherever you're listening from today, we're glad you're here, and thank you for joining us on the trail.
00:00:40.000 --> 00:00:44.560
The topic that we're going to talk about today, and I love this topic.
00:00:44.799 --> 00:00:51.600
I'm guilty of not understanding what boundaries are sometimes, and you got to kind of remind yourself what they are.
00:00:51.759 --> 00:00:57.759
But since we are in February, love is in the air, although sometimes it doesn't feel like it.
00:00:58.000 --> 00:00:59.840
It is the season of love.
00:01:00.000 --> 00:01:02.880
And so our topic today is boundaries.
00:01:03.200 --> 00:01:10.959
And this is, you know, the Bad Bunny story, and the thing it was a good segue because his whole story during the halftime show was love.
00:01:11.280 --> 00:01:14.000
I mean, but bigger than hate is love or something like that.
00:01:14.239 --> 00:01:15.280
Yeah, there was a real wedding.
00:01:15.760 --> 00:01:16.560
There was a real wedding.
00:01:16.719 --> 00:01:16.959
Yeah.
00:01:19.760 --> 00:01:21.120
Love is in the air.
00:01:21.439 --> 00:01:22.879
Love is in the air.
00:01:23.200 --> 00:01:25.359
And why are we talking about boundaries?
00:01:25.680 --> 00:01:29.280
Because you should set boundaries within your romantic relationships.
00:01:29.439 --> 00:01:33.040
You should set boundaries in general, but we already talked about boundaries a little bit before.
00:01:33.200 --> 00:01:39.120
So now we're talking about boundaries off of Shaquila and Greg's episode, right?
00:01:39.760 --> 00:01:40.400
That was so good.
00:01:40.719 --> 00:01:45.680
My god, they are it is it, but they were a perfect example.
00:01:45.840 --> 00:01:48.959
They were so real, and they were a perfect example of.
00:01:54.159 --> 00:01:56.480
Yeah, I've heard that so much.
00:01:57.040 --> 00:02:00.560
Yeah, you and my I've heard that.
00:02:00.719 --> 00:02:01.040
Yeah.
00:02:01.359 --> 00:02:06.480
When people say relationships shouldn't be work or love should not be work, it should be easy.
00:02:06.560 --> 00:02:14.879
And we have believed that, but we also sometimes believe that it's uncomfortable and life is hard and it shouldn't be hard, but it we understand that it is.
00:02:15.199 --> 00:02:24.240
So we we tend to think, especially in February, when we this month and Valentine's Day is honoring love and love.
00:02:25.120 --> 00:02:37.199
Some think it should be effortless and easy and constant and 24-7 romantic, but it's not 24-7 romantic assessment.
00:02:37.520 --> 00:02:39.919
Oh, I wish, no, I know it'd be so dreamy, right?
00:02:40.319 --> 00:02:44.879
I mean, I shouldn't have said I wish, but yeah, oh god, this is gonna be tough.
00:02:46.879 --> 00:02:50.000
Oh god, I'm gonna be I'm gonna be fired from my own show.
00:02:50.240 --> 00:03:01.520
Yeah, but yeah, I've heard the saying, and you have said it that love should be easy, and then we get into a relationship and which I like to call a partnership.
00:03:01.680 --> 00:03:11.919
Um, relationship, partnership with somebody, and when one thing goes wrong, or when you don't like one thing about that person, it becomes a big problem.
00:03:12.800 --> 00:03:13.919
And guess what?
00:03:14.479 --> 00:03:19.599
News flash, you're not gonna like a hundred percent of what that person does.
00:03:19.919 --> 00:03:22.639
Yeah, we're two separate individuals.
00:03:23.039 --> 00:03:27.280
Yeah, you can't expect we talked about this again, we are tying these together.
00:03:27.520 --> 00:03:35.120
We talked about you can't expect other people to do what you would do, your expectations and how to manage them.
00:03:35.840 --> 00:03:37.360
Then go into setting boundaries.
00:03:37.439 --> 00:03:39.280
We had talked about that in one of our episodes.
00:03:39.680 --> 00:03:48.240
Yeah, so boundaries aren't anti-love, they're not walls, they're supposed to help sustain a relationship, help make it healthier.
00:03:48.560 --> 00:03:50.879
They're what make love sustainable.
00:03:51.520 --> 00:03:52.080
Yeah.
00:03:52.560 --> 00:03:59.520
So a lot of us hear the word boundary, and we tie the word boundary to control.
00:04:00.319 --> 00:04:02.000
Yeah, or an ultimatum.
00:04:02.159 --> 00:04:07.199
If you do this, then this is gonna happen, or you need to do this, or you need to be this.
00:04:07.520 --> 00:04:12.479
And I'm feeling threatening a little bit, but that's what we hear sometimes when we think of boundary.
00:04:12.560 --> 00:04:18.959
It's control, ultimatums, do what I want, or else this, or there's just emotional shutdown.
00:04:19.120 --> 00:04:28.399
And that makes sense because how we operate when we react to things, and this is another rabbit hole I went down.
00:04:28.480 --> 00:04:33.759
The the polyvagal theory is there's three nervous system states.
00:04:34.079 --> 00:04:45.920
One is the ventral vagal state, which is we feel safe and connected, everything's fine, nervous system regulated, we can listen, we stay curious, everything is good.
00:04:46.079 --> 00:04:49.360
The second is the sympathetic state, that's fight or flight.
00:04:49.519 --> 00:04:57.920
So our heart rate starts to increase, our voice tightens, our muscles become tense, and we get a little bit defensive.
00:04:58.079 --> 00:05:02.959
And then the third is the dorsal vagal state, and that's where we shut down or freeze.
00:05:03.040 --> 00:05:06.240
And there's just emotional numbness, withdrawal.
00:05:06.399 --> 00:05:10.079
We just say I'm fine, and completely disconnect and avoid conversation.
00:05:10.319 --> 00:05:12.000
What's interesting about those three?
00:05:12.079 --> 00:05:16.319
So the first one, the ventral, where we're safe and connected, good, that's great.
00:05:16.639 --> 00:05:21.600
But the other two are really tied to attachment theory.
00:05:21.680 --> 00:05:26.240
And Mel Robbins has talked about this and you know, the different attachment theories there are.
00:05:26.399 --> 00:05:31.839
And I'll just talk about the two, which is the anxious attachment or the avoidant attachment.
00:05:32.079 --> 00:05:35.120
And so for me, I'm the anxious attachment.
00:05:35.279 --> 00:05:36.000
I know that.
00:05:36.240 --> 00:05:38.079
I I know that.
00:05:38.319 --> 00:05:52.079
So I would tie to the sympathetic state that if somebody, if my partner did something and I felt uncomfortable and my nervous system was flaring up, I would show the sympathetic state, the fight or flight.
00:05:52.160 --> 00:05:53.519
That's what I'm going to do.
00:05:53.759 --> 00:05:58.000
So my heart rate's going to increase and my voice is going to tighten, all of that.
00:05:58.240 --> 00:06:05.680
Well, if somebody's the avoidant attachment, which my partner is, very opposite.
00:06:05.839 --> 00:06:13.360
I'm anxious, she's an avoidant, then she'll shut down, she'll withdraw, and she'll disconnect.
00:06:13.600 --> 00:06:19.199
So it's very interesting how those different nervous system states tie back to the attachment theories.
00:06:19.439 --> 00:06:21.759
Yeah, I am the avoidant one as well.
00:06:22.000 --> 00:06:24.560
I will shut down and don't need to talk about it, really.
00:06:24.639 --> 00:06:27.439
Like, let's move on, or I'll remove myself from the situation.
00:06:27.519 --> 00:06:34.800
So maybe a little bit of fight or flight and avoidance, but mainly avoidance, like if I do want to stay in the relationship, like I'll just shut down.
00:06:34.959 --> 00:06:38.800
I've had to have that conversation because myself and my partner are both avoidant.
00:06:39.040 --> 00:06:42.160
And so we had to have that conversation and set that boundary.
00:06:42.240 --> 00:06:44.879
Like, we're not you need to do better, and I'll do better.
00:06:44.959 --> 00:06:48.240
Like, we need to not shut down in that manner.
00:06:48.480 --> 00:06:50.800
Yeah, we need to neither one of us liked it.
00:06:50.879 --> 00:06:57.439
It's not like I was like, okay, my partner's being avoid is avoiding it, not answering the phone, or whatever the case may be.
00:06:57.680 --> 00:07:01.600
Neither one of us liked how it made us feel, but yet we both were doing it to each other.
00:07:01.680 --> 00:07:02.560
Like, that doesn't make sense.
00:07:03.040 --> 00:07:05.680
But what we need to realize is it's human biology.
00:07:05.839 --> 00:07:08.319
Like, yeah, like stop questioning it.
00:07:08.480 --> 00:07:29.360
Or when you're questioning it, you're curious, and you're giving yourself some grace that when my partner does something in my nervous system and I'm feeling it, and I'm in that second state, the sympathetic state, that is because of an anxious attachment because of so and so and so and so on my journey in life, right?
00:07:29.519 --> 00:07:29.839
Yeah.
00:07:30.079 --> 00:07:35.279
Um, but it's also understanding that and saying, okay, what can I do with it?
00:07:35.680 --> 00:07:37.600
So we have different reactions.
00:07:37.759 --> 00:07:46.639
So when we say, hey, we don't like 100% of what our partners do, we understand that and we set boundaries.
00:07:46.720 --> 00:08:02.240
And the problem with conflict in relationships when it comes to boundaries, it's they don't it's people don't know the difference between communicating feelings and setting a boundary.
00:08:02.560 --> 00:08:04.399
It's not the boundary itself.
00:08:04.560 --> 00:08:08.959
It's most boundary conflict in relationships isn't because people are controlling.
00:08:09.439 --> 00:08:16.560
It's in when we're talking about boundaries, just for the listeners in this episode, when we're talking about boundaries, we're talking about romantic relationships.
00:08:16.879 --> 00:08:26.399
So most boundary conflict in relationships is not because people are controlling, it's because they don't know the difference between two things communicating feelings and setting the boundary.
00:08:26.639 --> 00:08:28.959
And people are data.
00:08:29.360 --> 00:08:31.199
Yeah, they actually see it as a threat.
00:08:31.279 --> 00:08:35.519
Like when you try to set boundaries, a lot of people see that as a threat.
00:08:35.600 --> 00:08:49.360
But I think that part of that is because with us being so mentally aware now and allowed to have mental health and all this, we sometimes misuse psychological terms like triggers, trauma, boundaries is one of them.
00:08:49.600 --> 00:08:57.600
We misuse them, and sometimes we use those boundaries that I'm setting to avoid accountability.
00:08:58.559 --> 00:09:01.840
Yeah, we think that's why people have issues with it as well.
00:09:02.399 --> 00:09:07.279
Avoid accountability and and it's not communicated properly.
00:09:07.600 --> 00:09:09.039
Yes, it's that free.
00:09:09.200 --> 00:09:09.679
Yep.
00:09:09.919 --> 00:09:12.080
For example, well, we can give a few examples.
00:09:12.159 --> 00:09:15.600
I guess like emotional boundary would be protecting your feelings and thoughts.
00:09:15.840 --> 00:09:23.679
Your physical boundary could be like comfort levels of personal space or even personal touch, depending on the type of relationship.
00:09:23.840 --> 00:09:30.320
And then maybe like time and energy, um, like balancing your relationships and your individual lives.
00:09:30.559 --> 00:09:36.080
Those are all categories that you can set boundaries in that's not that shouldn't be threatening.
00:09:36.399 --> 00:09:36.720
Right.
00:09:36.879 --> 00:09:39.840
As long as they're communicated properly, right?
00:09:40.080 --> 00:09:46.799
Um it's gotta be and and and it's gotta be about the person, not your partner.
00:09:47.120 --> 00:09:50.080
The boundary is for you to trust yourself.
00:09:51.519 --> 00:09:54.000
So so that's that's what we're gonna get into.
00:09:54.080 --> 00:09:56.799
So we're gonna set the record straight here with boundaries.
00:09:57.039 --> 00:10:04.720
Tara and I are gonna share the top five truths about boundaries in romantic relationships, top five truths.
00:10:04.960 --> 00:10:06.000
Do you want to do number one?
00:10:06.240 --> 00:10:07.120
You start with the personality.
00:10:07.200 --> 00:10:07.600
Okay, all right.
00:10:07.919 --> 00:10:09.120
We'll just go every other.
00:10:09.200 --> 00:10:09.679
We'll figure it out.
00:10:09.840 --> 00:10:10.799
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:10:11.039 --> 00:10:11.360
All right.
00:10:11.440 --> 00:10:16.320
So Tara and I are gonna share the top five truths about boundaries and love.
00:10:16.480 --> 00:10:24.960
So we talked a little bit about boundary conflict, and the problem is communicating feelings and setting the boundary, and then kind of what people think about what a boundary is.
00:10:25.120 --> 00:10:27.519
So we're gonna give you the top five truths.
00:10:27.759 --> 00:10:31.600
Number one, boundaries are about what you control.
00:10:32.480 --> 00:10:39.279
And understand that's not about controlling your partner, it's about controlling yourself, it's about what you control.
00:10:39.759 --> 00:10:44.480
This all goes back to what do we always talk about every episode.
00:10:44.639 --> 00:10:52.720
If you are a man, if you are not using the model every day in your life, in every aspect of your life, use it.
00:10:53.039 --> 00:11:01.120
Something happens and you put a thought to it, and that generates a feeling, that generates an action, that generates a result.
00:11:01.679 --> 00:11:06.960
So boundaries live inside your lane, not somebody else's.
00:11:07.200 --> 00:11:16.480
You cannot control how other people behave, you can't control how your partner behaves, but you can control how you respond to it and how you react.
00:11:16.879 --> 00:11:19.679
And that idea is supported by psychology.
00:11:19.840 --> 00:11:31.519
So when we operate, when we as humans operate from emotional adulthood, emotional childhood is when we lash out with people and we blame them and we play the victim.
00:11:31.840 --> 00:11:36.960
Emotional adulthood is when we take responsibility for everything in our life.
00:11:37.759 --> 00:11:40.240
It's the internal locus of control.
00:11:40.480 --> 00:11:50.879
Focus on what we can do, how we behave, how we react, what we can influence, then we experience more agency and less helplessness in our life.
00:11:51.120 --> 00:11:53.679
So boundaries live inside our lane.
00:11:53.759 --> 00:12:00.960
And in relationships, when you build your emotional stability around your partner's behavior.
00:12:01.279 --> 00:12:14.480
So that is when you rely on your partner to make you feel a certain way for that emotional stability, you are outsourcing your peace.
00:12:15.039 --> 00:12:18.960
Kind of like what we when Tara and I talk about is don't give people your power, right?
00:12:19.039 --> 00:12:20.879
You you keep that for yourself.
00:12:21.200 --> 00:12:28.320
So when you are building your emotional stability around your partner's behavior, you're outsourcing your peace.
00:12:28.559 --> 00:12:34.799
What boundaries do is bring that peace back home to you because that's all within your control.
00:12:34.960 --> 00:12:36.159
You control that.
00:12:36.480 --> 00:12:36.799
Right.
00:12:36.960 --> 00:12:40.960
You control how you feel because of that thought, the feeling, the action, the result.
00:12:41.679 --> 00:12:43.840
You can't rely.
00:12:44.320 --> 00:12:50.240
I have heard people in relationships say how they rely on their partner's emotions.
00:12:51.279 --> 00:12:54.320
Like if I'm having a bad day, you should be having a bad day.
00:12:54.399 --> 00:13:00.799
Or if I'm happy today and you're mad, the other partner got mad because that person was having a good day and they should be coddling.
00:13:01.039 --> 00:13:04.000
And it's like, no, they can't control how you feel.
00:13:04.240 --> 00:13:04.799
Yeah.
00:13:05.120 --> 00:13:07.120
They can show you support, you know what I mean?
00:13:07.279 --> 00:13:12.080
But you can't rely on the emotion or your partner to help you feel better all the time.
00:13:12.399 --> 00:13:14.480
That has to come from your thought process.
00:13:14.799 --> 00:13:15.200
Yep.
00:13:15.360 --> 00:13:15.679
Yeah.
00:13:15.759 --> 00:13:19.120
So I'll give two examples here in romantic relationships.
00:13:19.200 --> 00:13:27.679
So example A could be, and these two I think are very relevant and they may be relevant to your relationships, is a lack of presence.
00:13:27.840 --> 00:13:30.480
So when your partner has a lot of distractions.
00:13:30.960 --> 00:13:39.840
So it could be you saying, when we're together and I feel like I'm competing with distractions, I end up feeling disconnected.
00:13:40.080 --> 00:13:47.200
That's the communication, is you describe something that happens and you express how you feel.
00:13:48.240 --> 00:13:54.080
So when we're together and I feel like I'm competing with distractions, I end up feeling disconnected.
00:13:54.399 --> 00:14:08.159
The boundary that you then set based on that is if that keeps happening, I'm going to be more intentional about how I share meaningful things and I will prioritize connection in spaces where I feel fully present.
00:14:08.559 --> 00:14:12.320
So it's not saying you have to do this or else.
00:14:12.480 --> 00:14:18.240
It's if it continues to happen, then I'm going to prioritize connection in spaces where I'm present.
00:14:18.320 --> 00:14:20.960
And that's okay, because all of that is within my control.
00:14:22.159 --> 00:14:23.679
So that's one example.
00:14:23.840 --> 00:14:27.200
Um, example B is emotional availability.
00:14:27.519 --> 00:14:31.759
When conflict happens and you go silent for days, I feel anxious.
00:14:32.399 --> 00:14:41.600
The boundary is if the pattern continues, I'm going to stop initiating repair and I'll take space until we can communicate directly.
00:14:42.240 --> 00:14:43.840
So it's an X, Y, Z.
00:14:44.320 --> 00:14:46.639
The X is what happens.
00:14:47.039 --> 00:14:51.440
When this happens, so when X happens, I feel Y.
00:14:52.240 --> 00:14:52.639
Yeah.
00:14:53.200 --> 00:14:56.240
And if it continues, I'm going to Z.
00:14:56.639 --> 00:14:58.399
That's what setting a boundary is.
00:14:58.480 --> 00:15:00.960
It's communicating feelings and setting the boundary.
00:15:01.120 --> 00:15:03.440
So when conflict happens, you go silent for days.
00:15:03.519 --> 00:15:04.320
I feel anxious.
00:15:04.480 --> 00:15:05.840
I'm describing what I'm feeling.
00:15:06.000 --> 00:15:10.639
And when it continues, I'm going to stop initiating repair and I'll take space until we can communicate directly.
00:15:10.799 --> 00:15:12.320
So that's truth number one.
00:15:12.480 --> 00:15:15.120
Boundaries are about what you control.
00:15:15.600 --> 00:15:17.360
They live inside your lane.
00:15:18.480 --> 00:15:22.480
So then truth number two is that feelings are data, not demand script.
00:15:22.639 --> 00:15:24.240
Is that what truth number two is, right?
00:15:24.399 --> 00:15:24.960
Yes.
00:15:25.120 --> 00:15:25.440
Yeah.
00:15:25.679 --> 00:15:27.600
Truth number two is that feelings are data.
00:15:27.679 --> 00:15:29.120
And we talked about this before a little bit.
00:15:29.200 --> 00:15:31.200
How it reminds you of your experiences.
00:15:32.000 --> 00:15:35.600
How your brain keeps all of your experiences and you keep reliving them.
00:15:35.759 --> 00:15:41.519
Or you respond to a certain way and react to a certain way, certain things, because of the experiences that you've had in the past.
00:15:41.759 --> 00:15:43.919
Same thing when it comes to feelings.
00:15:44.159 --> 00:15:45.919
But they don't get to become demands.
00:15:46.000 --> 00:15:48.159
Like you said, I'm allowed to feel this way.
00:15:48.320 --> 00:15:52.639
This is how you did this, X, my feeling is Y, and I'm going to Z.
00:15:52.720 --> 00:15:53.679
That's not a demand.
00:15:53.840 --> 00:15:59.360
That's letting you know that what you're doing is making me uncomfortable or whatever the feeling that you have, right?
00:15:59.679 --> 00:16:05.120
Um, but research shows that emotions are information or more like signals.
00:16:05.200 --> 00:16:06.399
So they're not directives.
00:16:06.480 --> 00:16:13.039
And they often we call it being emotional is actually our brain trying to make meaning and predict safety.
00:16:13.200 --> 00:16:16.320
We always say our brain is here to keep us safe.
00:16:16.480 --> 00:16:16.799
Yeah.
00:16:17.039 --> 00:16:19.200
And like you said, you talk to your emotions.
00:16:19.279 --> 00:16:20.480
Thank you for being here.
00:16:20.639 --> 00:16:24.480
Yeah, but that's because your brain automatically in that fight or flight mode.
00:16:24.639 --> 00:16:25.919
Just it's safety.
00:16:26.159 --> 00:16:35.759
So the healthiest move for you is to share your feelings, like coaches said, state the need or value, and then clarify what you're going to do if it continues to happen.
00:16:36.000 --> 00:16:41.120
Often I realize that we I think we talked about this before secondhand emotion or feeling.
00:16:41.279 --> 00:16:47.840
So if I use hurt and exchange it for being mad or angry, right?
00:16:48.240 --> 00:16:56.159
So you can't say, like, sometimes we notice that people jump from this hurts to you need to change this because you're changing the emotion.
00:16:56.320 --> 00:17:05.920
You're changing the feeling that you're having and turning it into hurt when really you're sad or anxious, or there's a what insert another feeling.
00:17:06.160 --> 00:17:15.920
So a lot of times we change it into anger, and that this person needs to change what they're doing when really no, you just need to set the boundary so that you both can move forward.
00:17:16.160 --> 00:17:18.160
Yeah, I've been guilty of that.
00:17:19.200 --> 00:17:21.200
You know, say like we're so different.
00:17:21.359 --> 00:17:25.759
You did this, I feel hurt, and expecting that person to change.
00:17:25.839 --> 00:17:27.200
And that's not fair.
00:17:27.440 --> 00:17:28.400
That's not fair.
00:17:28.480 --> 00:17:30.240
It's it really comes down to communication.
00:17:30.400 --> 00:17:35.200
Communicate what happened, communicate your feeling, what your feeling is.
00:17:35.359 --> 00:17:38.799
And I'm just, I don't think we're used to communicating about feelings.
00:17:38.960 --> 00:17:44.880
And if you would like to know more about feelings, please go back to episode 12 where we talk about the F-word.
00:17:45.440 --> 00:17:47.920
Yeah, I mean, and I've been, I think we've all been guilty of it.
00:17:48.000 --> 00:17:51.599
It's just growth, and it's something that we always have we're always gonna have to work at.
00:17:51.680 --> 00:17:52.960
At least I know I will.
00:18:01.279 --> 00:18:08.240
Happened to me recently, and then I had to realize that okay, you're attacking and you're demanding instead of just communicating.
00:18:08.559 --> 00:18:11.519
But luckily, I know these skills and I was able to take a step back.
00:18:11.599 --> 00:18:16.079
But I think we all fall into that, no matter how much of an expert you are in this people or this.
00:18:16.559 --> 00:18:17.200
We do, yeah.
00:18:17.359 --> 00:18:18.000
Well, we do.
00:18:18.079 --> 00:18:33.119
I mean, we're humans, we are not perfect, and it I would say the reason that we're in this business, both of us, is we did it because we looked in the mirror, our mirror moments, and realized we needed to be better people, and we're still growing.
00:18:33.279 --> 00:18:39.519
I mean, even today, I reacted to a situation and my ego jumped out and I regret it.
00:18:39.680 --> 00:18:42.400
Man, I'm like, Cal, come on, you know better than that.
00:18:42.799 --> 00:18:48.319
So it and it really all goes back to when something happens, what is our response?
00:18:48.640 --> 00:19:12.160
And when we feel something, we're not taking the time for it to reach our prefrontal cortex and be curious about it or talk to our feelings, like Erica Kelly shared with us, and understand, take a few breaths, think about it, go for a walk, get a clear head, and use that higher level of thinking to work through it before you react.
00:19:12.319 --> 00:19:18.240
Because when you react instantly, more often than not, nothing good is going to come from it.
00:19:18.400 --> 00:19:20.559
But it's a moment that you want to get back.
00:19:21.839 --> 00:19:23.519
Okay, so that was number two.
00:19:23.680 --> 00:19:25.920
Feelings are data, not demands.
00:19:26.079 --> 00:19:26.720
Love it.
00:19:26.960 --> 00:19:32.400
Okay, truth number three boundaries build self-trust, not comfort.
00:19:33.519 --> 00:19:38.319
Something we already talked about today about comfort versus discomfort.
00:19:38.559 --> 00:19:43.440
Boundaries aren't here to make the relationship comfortable, they're here to make the relationship healthy.
00:19:43.839 --> 00:19:47.519
Comfort can be bought with self-abandonment, self-trust cannot.
00:19:47.599 --> 00:19:50.319
So, this is where psychological flexibility comes in.
00:19:50.480 --> 00:19:56.319
People do better when they act in alignment with your values, even when it's uncomfortable.
00:19:56.799 --> 00:19:59.279
So, we have a couple of examples here.
00:19:59.680 --> 00:20:02.000
Example A is being minimized.
00:20:02.319 --> 00:20:07.519
When I share feelings and you call me dramatic, I feel unsafe.
00:20:07.920 --> 00:20:08.240
Okay.
00:20:08.720 --> 00:20:15.759
So communicating the feeling, the X and the Y, which is the situation and in my feeling.
00:20:15.920 --> 00:20:23.039
And the boundary is if I'm minimized again, I'm going to stop sharing vulnerable things until there's respect.
00:20:23.519 --> 00:20:23.839
Okay.
00:20:24.880 --> 00:20:28.160
Example B is repeated broken agreements.
00:20:28.400 --> 00:20:33.759
When you agree to something and then it doesn't happen, I feel like I can't rely on you.
00:20:34.000 --> 00:20:41.119
The boundary, so I'm going to adjust my expectations and stop building future plans on promises.
00:20:41.839 --> 00:20:45.680
It's also self-efficacy, so believing you can handle outcomes.
00:20:46.000 --> 00:20:51.359
So if I'm setting the boundary, I'm expressing the feeling and setting the boundary.
00:20:51.680 --> 00:21:04.160
A lot of that when we talk about the self-trust, not comfort, is we typically want to go to the comfort where we're just going to allow the boundary to be crossed because we want relational harmony.
00:21:05.200 --> 00:21:06.079
Keeping peace.
00:21:06.799 --> 00:21:10.960
But at the end of the day, it's not in alignment with who we are.
00:21:11.279 --> 00:21:20.559
So for me, it's I'm all about relational harmony, but still it's going to eat at me because it's not in alignment with my values.
00:21:21.279 --> 00:21:38.079
But when we talk about self-efficacy and we're setting boundaries, and those boundaries are being crossed, we are the ones that allow the boundary to be crossed because of what we control.
00:21:38.880 --> 00:21:46.559
So if we just continue to allow it, then how is that in alignment with trusting ourselves?
00:21:47.039 --> 00:21:47.440
Right?
00:21:47.599 --> 00:21:50.240
Like how we react to the boundary being crossed.
00:21:50.400 --> 00:21:57.279
So if I say, just like that example, I'm going to adjust my expectations and stop building future plans on promises.
00:21:57.599 --> 00:22:04.000
Well, if I don't do that, if I don't Adjust my expectations, then I'm not trusting myself.
00:22:04.319 --> 00:22:06.240
And then I'm choosing comfort.
00:22:06.480 --> 00:22:30.640
So what I need to do is follow this, believe that even when the boundary happens, you know, or it's crossed, then at the end of the day, I'm gonna be okay when I trust myself and I stop adjusting my expectations, or I when I do adjust my expectations and stop building future plans based on promises.
00:22:31.119 --> 00:22:34.319
Like I need to follow through with that.
00:22:34.640 --> 00:22:37.519
I need to, because that's the self-trust.
00:22:37.759 --> 00:22:42.880
And if I don't follow through with that, then I'm choosing comfort and it's not in alignment with my values.
00:22:43.039 --> 00:22:45.519
I think that's the better way that I needed to explain that.
00:22:45.680 --> 00:22:47.279
It took me a while to get there.
00:22:47.599 --> 00:22:55.440
Yeah, and I just want to talk about like when you try, quote unquote, keep the peace or comfort, how you're losing your own inner peace.
00:22:55.759 --> 00:23:12.160
Like you said, you're not trusting yourself, but you you're you're losing your own inner peace, which eventually is going to catch up with you, and then it's gonna create an unhealthy relationship, not only because your boundary was crossed, but because now you're gonna be lashing on other ways because you never communicated how you felt in the first place.
00:23:12.400 --> 00:23:12.799
Yeah.
00:23:13.039 --> 00:23:19.359
And essentially you're the one crossing your own boundary because you're not upholding what you said you were gonna do.
00:23:20.799 --> 00:23:32.000
Because you just want comfort, but if you're not upholding your own boundary and what you're gonna do, then you're not gonna be in alignment and it's not gonna feel good.
00:23:32.240 --> 00:23:48.960
So when we say self-efficacy, it truly means that even if the boundary is crossed and I stick with my reaction, which is adjusting my expectations and stop building future plans, if I continue to do that, I'm gonna be okay.
00:23:49.200 --> 00:23:50.720
Everything's gonna be okay.
00:23:50.880 --> 00:23:53.279
I can handle whatever comes my way.
00:23:53.519 --> 00:23:54.720
You don't want to know why?
00:23:54.960 --> 00:23:57.200
Because I'm in alignment with my values.
00:23:58.319 --> 00:23:59.359
That's it.
00:23:59.759 --> 00:24:00.079
Okay.
00:24:00.799 --> 00:24:01.440
Number four.
00:24:01.759 --> 00:24:05.039
So number four is boundaries reveal compatibility.
00:24:05.279 --> 00:24:07.359
So this part is both scary and freeing.
00:24:07.519 --> 00:24:11.359
Boundaries don't destroy good relationships, they reveal reality.
00:24:11.759 --> 00:24:16.240
So I can see how that can be scary, and I can also see how that can be free.
00:24:16.400 --> 00:24:19.920
What predicts closeness is not perfection, it's responsiveness.
00:24:20.240 --> 00:24:24.079
Does my partner respond to my needs with care and engagement?
00:24:24.480 --> 00:24:29.119
They respect me enough to respond to the boundary that I have now set and communicated.
00:24:29.680 --> 00:24:36.799
But what predicts long-term distress is chronic non-responsiveness and poor repair after a conflict.
00:24:37.039 --> 00:24:40.799
So when you set a boundary, you're not creating distance, you're actually measuring your safety.
00:24:41.039 --> 00:24:50.000
A few examples of that would be if you say, I need direct conversations, not avoidance, and they respond with curiosity, your connection will grow.
00:24:50.160 --> 00:24:56.720
But if they respond with mockery, blame, or victimhood, I think compatibility is being revealed at that point.
00:24:56.880 --> 00:25:06.480
So again, does your partner respect you enough to not cross that boundary and to accept your feelings, to accept your boundary to make you feel safe?
00:25:06.799 --> 00:25:07.920
Yeah, I like that.
00:25:08.000 --> 00:25:11.599
It's it's a powerful statement that it reveals reality.
00:25:12.000 --> 00:25:17.200
Because when it happens over and over again, and hopefully we have the follow-through, right?
00:25:17.279 --> 00:25:20.079
Because it's on us, it's our it's within our locus of control.
00:25:20.720 --> 00:25:26.480
When it continues to happen, we're not saying that the person is bad or anything like that.
00:25:26.640 --> 00:25:27.359
That's not it.
00:25:27.519 --> 00:25:29.759
It's just it's revealing reality.
00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:31.759
Maybe you're not compatible.
00:25:32.000 --> 00:25:32.480
That's it.
00:25:32.640 --> 00:25:34.960
Yeah, and actually it shows that that other person cares.
00:25:35.119 --> 00:25:40.880
Do they care enough to accept what you're expressing or what you're communicating?
00:25:41.119 --> 00:25:41.759
Right.
00:25:42.400 --> 00:25:45.279
Do you care about yourself enough to hold true to your boundaries?
00:25:46.400 --> 00:25:48.000
Yeah, so interesting.
00:25:48.319 --> 00:25:49.680
All right, so that was number four.
00:25:49.839 --> 00:25:52.160
Boundaries reveal compatibility.
00:25:52.480 --> 00:25:53.359
Oh, number five.
00:25:53.440 --> 00:25:58.079
So last one: a boundary without follow-through is just a request.
00:25:58.480 --> 00:26:00.160
And that is all on you.
00:26:00.720 --> 00:26:02.799
That you have the follow-through.
00:26:03.279 --> 00:26:10.480
If you keep stating a boundary, explaining it, rewording it, and making excuses, and nothing changes.
00:26:10.640 --> 00:26:12.799
The there's no boundary, it doesn't exist.
00:26:12.880 --> 00:26:13.519
It's a request.
00:26:13.599 --> 00:26:15.279
You're just putting requests to your partner.
00:26:15.920 --> 00:26:17.279
There's begging.
00:26:17.599 --> 00:26:18.400
What's that?
00:26:18.799 --> 00:26:19.519
Begging.
00:26:19.759 --> 00:26:20.240
Yeah.
00:26:20.720 --> 00:26:21.839
Begging to be understood.
00:26:22.079 --> 00:26:22.319
Yeah.
00:26:22.400 --> 00:26:24.319
I mean, and we we've all been there.
00:26:24.640 --> 00:26:27.279
But no judgment here, that's for sure.
00:26:27.440 --> 00:26:28.000
No, no, no.
00:26:28.240 --> 00:26:31.119
And love without follow-through becomes resentment.
00:26:31.359 --> 00:26:37.200
When you keep allowing it and there's no follow-through from you, you're gonna resent that other person.
00:26:38.160 --> 00:26:39.519
Because nothing's gonna change.
00:26:39.680 --> 00:26:44.799
And in many cases, repeated boundary violations are experienced by the nervous system.
00:26:45.039 --> 00:26:53.519
This goes back to the different nervous system states as relational threat, which drives anxiety, hypervigilance, or shutdown.
00:26:53.680 --> 00:26:57.119
And that goes back to the different attachment theories.
00:26:57.599 --> 00:27:05.839
So when repeated boundary violations happen, for me, that's going to drive my anxiety and hypervigilance.
00:27:07.200 --> 00:27:08.880
We are complicated as it can be.
00:27:09.200 --> 00:27:13.680
That is the overthinking, that's the paranoia, that's always checking the phone.
00:27:13.759 --> 00:27:15.440
I mean that ruminating.
00:27:15.599 --> 00:27:16.000
Yes.
00:27:16.640 --> 00:27:17.119
Yeah.
00:27:17.759 --> 00:27:26.799
One thing when I was doing some research and it was a quote that says, Your mental health sometimes isn't your fault, but it's your responsibility.
00:27:28.079 --> 00:27:44.400
So we all understand that prior relationships or your experience with relationships, whether that be starting at childhood or relationship that you're in, we all understand that you may have gained some traitors and trauma from that along the way.
00:27:44.799 --> 00:27:55.519
But again, it's not your fault, maybe, but it's definitely a responsibility to make sure that you're taking care of yourself, setting those boundaries and really understanding your feelings and emotions.
00:27:55.839 --> 00:27:56.960
Absolutely.
00:27:57.200 --> 00:27:58.000
Absolutely.
00:27:58.319 --> 00:28:01.839
So an example for follow-through.
00:28:02.160 --> 00:28:10.319
If we can't talk about conflict without disappearing for days, I'm going to pause the relationship conversations until we can communicate.
00:28:11.039 --> 00:28:12.960
That's that's it.
00:28:13.359 --> 00:28:19.440
Another one is if exclusivity isn't respected, I'm going to step back from commitment.
00:28:19.599 --> 00:28:20.960
And that came from an example.
00:28:21.119 --> 00:28:23.920
Oh, I wanted to share an example of the social media.
00:28:24.160 --> 00:28:25.759
Did I send you that example?
00:28:26.079 --> 00:28:33.279
That the partner is DMing people on social media and the messages seem intimate, which happens, I'm sure.
00:28:33.440 --> 00:28:34.160
It happens.
00:28:34.319 --> 00:28:39.839
And the boundary is it makes me feel unsafe in this relationship.
00:28:40.079 --> 00:28:45.839
And so that's if it exclusivity isn't respected, I'm going to step back from commitment.
00:28:46.079 --> 00:28:47.839
That's that's strong.
00:28:48.000 --> 00:28:52.000
I mean, that's that is if it continues, I will not remain committed.
00:28:52.240 --> 00:28:59.839
I think for the for maybe not even just the younger crowd that's listening, but I think I see so many people fall into that trap.
00:28:59.920 --> 00:29:02.480
And I just know being that person as well at some point.
00:29:02.640 --> 00:29:04.319
Like, you know what I mean?
00:29:04.480 --> 00:29:08.079
Like just committing to something that's not real.
00:29:08.640 --> 00:29:11.359
Well, but even a simple text sometimes.
00:29:11.680 --> 00:29:12.160
Yeah.
00:29:12.480 --> 00:29:14.400
You don't know the context.
00:29:14.720 --> 00:29:24.319
So if my partner is texting somebody and it's kind of, you know, a message that I would concern me, I don't know the context of that.
00:29:24.480 --> 00:29:26.720
I don't know the friendship or relationship.
00:29:26.960 --> 00:29:33.599
So that to me would be something that would be concerning that I would set a boundary with.
00:29:33.839 --> 00:29:34.240
Yeah.
00:29:34.480 --> 00:29:39.279
Not revenge, not punishment, but it's alignment with who we are.
00:29:39.759 --> 00:29:44.559
I think there's also a fine line that we didn't really mention it, but when it comes to trust, too.
00:29:44.960 --> 00:29:48.960
Like, okay, I get that certain things making feel a certain way.
00:29:49.200 --> 00:29:52.319
X happens, feel Y, and this is Z.
00:29:52.720 --> 00:29:57.279
I think this is where people mix up boundaries with being threatened.
00:29:57.440 --> 00:30:00.079
Because it's like, okay, well, where is the trust in this?
00:30:00.160 --> 00:30:02.720
Because you don't set a boundary for every part of my life.
00:30:03.119 --> 00:30:05.359
So that's when it becomes demanding.
00:30:05.680 --> 00:30:07.839
Like, I can't even be on social media now.
00:30:08.000 --> 00:30:09.599
That is the boundary setting.
00:30:09.759 --> 00:30:10.720
That's unrealistic.
00:30:11.359 --> 00:30:12.319
That's pretty aggressive.
00:30:12.559 --> 00:30:15.440
There's people that's what people do.
00:30:15.680 --> 00:30:19.839
It but if you need to set a lot of boundaries, probably not compatible.
00:30:20.240 --> 00:30:21.759
Probably not compatible.
00:30:22.400 --> 00:30:29.119
Or if you need to set a lot of boundaries and there's no follow-through from either of you, probably not compatible.
00:30:29.359 --> 00:30:31.279
Probably not compatible, yeah.
00:30:31.599 --> 00:30:38.000
Because if I love and care about you and you tell me I feel this way, and this is what's going to happen if we can't fix it.
00:30:38.240 --> 00:30:42.880
If I care and love you, I'm going to find a way to make sure I I remember and respect that value.
00:30:43.039 --> 00:30:43.599
Hands down.
00:30:43.920 --> 00:30:46.000
If I don't care about you, maybe not.
00:30:46.400 --> 00:30:46.880
Right.
00:30:47.440 --> 00:30:48.319
Not compatible.
00:30:48.480 --> 00:30:48.960
Yeah.
00:30:49.119 --> 00:30:49.359
Yeah.
00:30:49.599 --> 00:30:52.400
Or I'm not serious about it on a relationship.
00:30:52.640 --> 00:30:53.279
Yeah.
00:30:53.599 --> 00:30:53.920
Yeah.
00:30:54.240 --> 00:30:58.400
Well, it could be something that isn't in alignment with your values.
00:30:58.880 --> 00:31:00.640
And then values would be revealed.
00:31:00.880 --> 00:31:01.279
Really?
00:31:01.519 --> 00:31:09.119
I mean, that's that to me, that's probably one of the most important things in in a relationship is understanding and knowing each other's values.
00:31:09.440 --> 00:31:09.839
Yeah.
00:31:10.000 --> 00:31:11.119
And your priorities.
00:31:11.279 --> 00:31:12.880
Actually, that's my homework today.
00:31:12.960 --> 00:31:20.400
I was in a class today and we're talking about values and what your priorities are and how to stay balanced in all areas and aspects of your life.
00:31:20.640 --> 00:31:26.000
And yeah, I mean, everyone in the class obviously had different values.
00:31:26.079 --> 00:31:28.319
They had different priorities in their life that they wanted to meet.
00:31:28.400 --> 00:31:34.720
And I feel like if your values don't align, but it's just be how can you be compatible?
00:31:35.200 --> 00:31:35.839
Yeah.
00:31:36.319 --> 00:31:36.559
Yeah.
00:31:36.960 --> 00:31:39.359
And you got to understand your own values.
00:31:39.599 --> 00:31:41.200
It all starts with you.
00:31:41.359 --> 00:31:42.720
It's all the self-awareness.
00:31:42.799 --> 00:31:48.079
It's so funny because I was talking with Colonel Pasley today, so I'm giving giving her a shout-out right now.
00:31:48.240 --> 00:31:48.880
Colonel Pasley.
00:31:49.119 --> 00:31:50.319
Oh god, she's she's brilliant.
00:31:51.119 --> 00:31:52.240
I mean, she really is.
00:31:52.480 --> 00:31:54.559
I will tell you, she is brilliant.
00:31:54.720 --> 00:31:56.799
I could listen to her all day, every day.
00:31:56.960 --> 00:32:00.559
Just wind her up, wind her up and and just go.
00:32:00.799 --> 00:32:02.720
And that sweet country accent helps.
00:32:03.119 --> 00:32:07.359
Yeah, I I mean, I just like more, more, please.
00:32:07.519 --> 00:32:08.640
Yeah, I hope she's listening.
00:32:08.720 --> 00:32:10.079
We're raving about you.
00:32:10.319 --> 00:32:16.160
And we were talking about the peace index through the five voices, through the giant, and then even this.
00:32:16.319 --> 00:32:28.799
I didn't talk about this, but when we talk about the self-trust and being in alignment with your values and understanding that, you know, when you set the boundaries and follow through, that means that you're in alignment with your values.
00:32:28.880 --> 00:32:36.400
And I was talking about the peace index and being in alignment and your communication comes out, and people know when you're in alignment.
00:32:36.559 --> 00:32:39.599
And she's like, Kelly, that's integrity.
00:32:39.920 --> 00:32:40.960
She didn't say it like that.
00:32:41.039 --> 00:32:41.920
So let me do that over.
00:32:42.079 --> 00:32:45.039
Yeah, she's like, You know what that is?
00:32:45.599 --> 00:32:46.240
Integrity.
00:32:46.319 --> 00:32:48.160
And I'm like, gosh, you're brilliant.
00:32:48.319 --> 00:32:49.839
That's like we're here.
00:32:49.920 --> 00:32:53.039
I'm explaining it for a good five minutes, right?
00:32:54.000 --> 00:32:57.920
She's like she slaps a word on there, like, oh, that closes it all.
00:32:58.240 --> 00:32:59.279
That's integrity.
00:32:59.839 --> 00:33:00.480
Boom.
00:33:01.039 --> 00:33:01.519
Boom.
00:33:01.759 --> 00:33:03.680
You gotta have integrity for yourself.
00:33:03.920 --> 00:33:07.759
But what's interesting is we use the word integrity a lot.
00:33:08.079 --> 00:33:09.759
God, we gotta get her on the show.
00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:12.160
She should have her own show, honestly.
00:33:12.400 --> 00:33:14.799
We I mean, I would listen to her every day.
00:33:14.960 --> 00:33:22.400
We use the word integrity a lot, but we don't really explore it deeper.
00:33:23.680 --> 00:33:32.640
So even hearing her say that today after my five-minute dissertation on all of this stuff, trying to make sense of it to this brilliant person that's sitting next to me.
00:33:32.799 --> 00:33:35.519
And she says integrity, I'm like, boom.
00:33:35.759 --> 00:33:43.440
We don't talk about it, we say it, but let's explore a little bit more what integrity truly is.
00:33:43.680 --> 00:33:46.160
It's like a buzzword in care of force, anyways.
00:33:46.480 --> 00:33:53.279
Yeah, I mean, we we use a lot of buzzwords, but but you know, it and then it I I love going down the bunny holes.
00:33:53.599 --> 00:33:56.400
Yeah, kind of that doesn't sound right.
00:33:56.720 --> 00:33:57.519
No, exactly.
00:33:57.920 --> 00:33:59.200
Okay, I shouldn't say it.
00:33:59.759 --> 00:34:05.359
So we're just gonna keep using rabbit hole because I don't I'm going down the bad bunny hole.
00:34:05.599 --> 00:34:06.880
Yeah, there we go.
00:34:07.279 --> 00:34:09.119
That sounds better than the bunny hole.
00:34:09.280 --> 00:34:11.039
Oh, I'm going down the bad bunny hole.
00:34:11.119 --> 00:34:12.239
All right, bonito.
00:34:12.559 --> 00:34:13.119
Love it.
00:34:13.199 --> 00:34:16.000
All right, so on that note, going down the bad bunny hole.
00:34:16.079 --> 00:34:17.199
Let's take a quick detour.
00:34:17.599 --> 00:34:18.880
Let's do the detour.
00:34:19.039 --> 00:34:20.480
All right, what do you have planned for us?
00:34:20.639 --> 00:34:22.000
Oh, yeah, this detour is mine.
00:34:22.079 --> 00:34:22.400
Yes.
00:34:22.639 --> 00:34:23.119
Oh, okay.
00:34:23.280 --> 00:34:26.000
So we're gonna do red flag, green flag.
00:34:26.079 --> 00:34:35.039
So I'm gonna say a statement, and you have to tell me for your partner or a partner if you think that would be a red or green flag.
00:34:35.280 --> 00:34:37.119
Oh, I'm talking about my partner.
00:34:37.519 --> 00:34:38.639
Oh, okay, cool.
00:34:38.880 --> 00:34:41.840
So for her, if it's red or green?
00:34:42.079 --> 00:34:44.320
So the statement is about the other person.
00:34:44.639 --> 00:34:47.679
Oh, if they were to do it, would I say it's red or green?
00:34:47.840 --> 00:34:48.320
Yes.
00:34:48.559 --> 00:34:48.880
Okay.
00:34:49.199 --> 00:34:52.800
Dang, I should have really thought about your partner and put.
00:34:53.199 --> 00:34:54.639
Have you seen them TikToks?
00:34:54.960 --> 00:35:01.440
Where they asked their parents about a red or green flag and everything they put all the red flags were actually about their parents think they actually do.
00:35:01.679 --> 00:35:02.320
Oh my god.
00:35:02.480 --> 00:35:03.360
I should have got something like that.
00:35:03.440 --> 00:35:04.079
I gotta see that.
00:35:04.159 --> 00:35:04.880
I gotta watch that.
00:35:04.960 --> 00:35:05.599
It's hilarious.
00:35:05.760 --> 00:35:07.519
Because they're like, wait, is this about me?
00:35:07.920 --> 00:35:09.760
After the few red flags.
00:35:10.079 --> 00:35:10.639
All right.
00:35:10.880 --> 00:35:11.840
All right, let's try this.
00:35:12.000 --> 00:35:13.760
Let's a dog lick their face.
00:35:14.400 --> 00:35:15.039
What?
00:35:15.519 --> 00:35:18.239
Let's let their dog lick their face.
00:35:18.800 --> 00:35:23.679
Oh, so if she were to do it, I would would that be red or green flag for you?
00:35:24.079 --> 00:35:31.280
Well, we don't have dogs, but so I would say hypothetically, I know I'm your partner.
00:35:31.760 --> 00:35:33.440
You can't be literal here.
00:35:33.519 --> 00:35:34.559
We're talking in general.
00:35:35.199 --> 00:35:35.599
Red.
00:35:36.079 --> 00:35:37.760
That's a red flag for me.
00:35:38.000 --> 00:35:39.679
You're letting the dog lick your face.
00:35:39.760 --> 00:35:40.480
It's disgusting.
00:35:40.880 --> 00:35:41.440
It's red.
00:35:41.519 --> 00:35:42.000
It's red.
00:35:42.320 --> 00:35:43.760
I mean, you can have whatever you want.
00:35:44.159 --> 00:35:47.280
At least, at least let the dog do it when I'm not around.
00:35:47.360 --> 00:35:49.360
Like have your dog time and then have me time.
00:35:49.440 --> 00:35:50.320
I don't want to see it.
00:35:50.480 --> 00:35:54.079
You don't want to see the dog lick in her face, and then you what you go in for a smooch?
00:35:54.239 --> 00:35:54.800
That's weird.
00:35:54.960 --> 00:35:56.960
Oh no, red.
00:35:58.079 --> 00:35:58.800
Red rum.
00:35:59.039 --> 00:35:59.679
Red rum.
00:35:59.920 --> 00:36:01.760
Do you know remember red rum?
00:36:02.000 --> 00:36:02.880
Red rum.
00:36:03.599 --> 00:36:04.719
It was another movie.
00:36:04.880 --> 00:36:06.400
I don't endorse it.
00:36:06.719 --> 00:36:08.800
I think we're getting delusional at their choice.
00:36:09.119 --> 00:36:09.599
Oh god.
00:36:10.000 --> 00:36:10.320
Okay.
00:36:10.559 --> 00:36:13.199
Um, claps when the plane lands.
00:36:14.000 --> 00:36:14.719
Oh god.
00:36:15.039 --> 00:36:15.360
I wouldn't.
00:36:16.159 --> 00:36:17.039
That would make me mad.
00:36:17.760 --> 00:36:20.079
I would be fine with it, honestly.
00:36:22.000 --> 00:36:23.840
I would it's a green flag.
00:36:23.920 --> 00:36:28.239
I would be totally fine if she were to clap when the I I would think that's cute.
00:36:28.480 --> 00:36:29.280
You think it's funny?
00:36:29.599 --> 00:36:30.559
She would never do it though.
00:36:30.719 --> 00:36:31.760
She would never do it.
00:36:32.000 --> 00:36:32.960
No, she wouldn't.
00:36:33.039 --> 00:36:34.159
These aren't real things.
00:36:34.239 --> 00:36:40.719
I would I didn't have her in mind when I no flat sheets on the bed.
00:36:41.199 --> 00:36:42.000
What do you mean?
00:36:42.239 --> 00:36:42.960
No flat sheet.
00:36:43.039 --> 00:36:45.360
You got a fin sheet, a flat sheet, and a comforter.
00:36:45.679 --> 00:36:46.320
I don't know.
00:36:46.639 --> 00:36:52.960
I mean the fitted the fitted one goes around the bed and the flat one, and then you have a comforter.
00:36:53.039 --> 00:36:55.119
You can be like sheet.
00:36:55.280 --> 00:36:56.079
Yes, flat.
00:36:56.159 --> 00:36:56.480
Yes.
00:36:56.639 --> 00:36:58.079
It's that red or green and black.
00:36:58.159 --> 00:36:59.440
If she didn't have it.
00:36:59.679 --> 00:37:01.199
Oh, she didn't have it?
00:37:01.440 --> 00:37:02.800
She didn't have it.
00:37:03.119 --> 00:37:03.760
Red.
00:37:04.239 --> 00:37:04.639
You know what?
00:37:05.599 --> 00:37:06.639
I hate that damn flat sheet.
00:37:06.719 --> 00:37:08.000
I don't have it on my bed.
00:37:08.559 --> 00:37:09.199
Why?
00:37:09.519 --> 00:37:11.039
I get tangled up in it.
00:37:11.199 --> 00:37:13.599
Like when I'm sleeping, I like get tangled.
00:37:13.760 --> 00:37:14.320
I hate it.
00:37:14.559 --> 00:37:17.199
Oh no, I just always thought it was a thing.
00:37:17.280 --> 00:37:22.320
I I it has nothing to do with it has nothing to do with my sexual preference.
00:37:22.480 --> 00:37:26.079
It's it's I think I always grew up with a flat sheet.
00:37:26.159 --> 00:37:27.519
I think that's how we live.
00:37:27.599 --> 00:37:28.239
I thought it was a good one.
00:37:28.400 --> 00:37:33.360
Yeah, you're supposed to have a flat sheet, but I'm just saying it wouldn't bother me because I literally take mine off on purpose.
00:37:33.440 --> 00:37:33.920
I hate it.
00:37:34.000 --> 00:37:35.840
I get tangled up in that thing every time.
00:37:37.039 --> 00:37:37.519
Yeah.
00:37:37.840 --> 00:37:38.320
Alright.
00:37:38.559 --> 00:37:40.480
The need to be posted.
00:37:40.719 --> 00:37:42.159
Red or green flag?
00:37:42.400 --> 00:37:43.760
The need to be what?
00:37:44.079 --> 00:37:44.719
Posted.
00:37:45.519 --> 00:37:47.119
Like on social media.
00:37:47.519 --> 00:37:47.840
Oh.
00:37:48.880 --> 00:37:50.960
You have to post me or it's not real.
00:37:51.599 --> 00:37:51.920
Oh.
00:37:52.880 --> 00:37:54.320
The need to be red.
00:37:54.639 --> 00:37:57.440
I don't feel that's controlled.
00:37:58.079 --> 00:37:58.880
What did you say?
00:37:59.039 --> 00:37:59.840
What did you say?
00:38:00.400 --> 00:38:01.360
It's a red flag.
00:38:01.519 --> 00:38:03.199
Why do you need to be posted?
00:38:03.280 --> 00:38:06.719
Like, how is that a showing my love for you?
00:38:07.039 --> 00:38:07.519
Yeah.
00:38:07.920 --> 00:38:08.239
Yeah.
00:38:08.480 --> 00:38:11.199
I don't I don't I don't look at it as a need.
00:38:11.280 --> 00:38:19.039
It's cute sometimes for the public, you know, for a public hello, I love you, whatever, but I don't look at it as a need.
00:38:19.440 --> 00:38:20.000
All right.
00:38:20.480 --> 00:38:24.480
Says they're on the way, but they haven't left yet.
00:38:24.800 --> 00:38:27.760
Oh red.
00:38:29.840 --> 00:38:40.719
Because if I'm sitting here waiting on you, oh yeah, and I'm dressed, like I would I'd purposely take my time sometimes because if that would really I probably would leave somebody else.
00:38:41.119 --> 00:38:59.280
Yeah, I I mean I so I I would say for you, I very much understand why it would be red because and your time is so precious, you are so busy, like you are you are T cat, like you guys things going on all over Florida, all over the state of Florida in two days.
00:38:59.440 --> 00:39:02.559
You are all over, up, down, north, south, east, west.
00:39:02.800 --> 00:39:06.880
So you have no time is precious, you have no time to be waiting on people.
00:39:07.119 --> 00:39:09.199
You're right, they should be waiting on me.
00:39:09.440 --> 00:39:10.480
Yeah, exactly.
00:39:10.639 --> 00:39:11.840
That's not that's not nice.
00:39:12.079 --> 00:39:13.039
You are the Ray Cat.
00:39:15.440 --> 00:39:15.760
Okay.
00:39:16.079 --> 00:39:21.679
Instead of replacing the toilet paper rule, they set the roll on top of the old one.
00:39:22.000 --> 00:39:26.159
Oh, that was so they don't put it back, like they ran out of toilet paper and they didn't.
00:39:26.480 --> 00:39:33.039
Oh, they ran out, they ran out, like and they didn't take the time to put the new roll on there, they just set it on top.
00:39:33.280 --> 00:39:34.000
Yeah, red.
00:39:34.239 --> 00:39:35.119
I yeah, red.
00:39:35.360 --> 00:39:40.639
If it is completely out of squares and it's just the cardboard thing, and you didn't change it.
00:39:40.880 --> 00:39:42.079
I mean, just change it.
00:39:42.239 --> 00:39:43.119
Would I get pissed?
00:39:43.280 --> 00:39:46.320
No, but it's uh well, yeah, it doesn't mean that you're gonna be mad.
00:39:46.559 --> 00:39:49.519
Red red doesn't mean you're mad, it's just like that's a red flag, right?
00:39:50.320 --> 00:39:51.280
Red rum.
00:39:51.599 --> 00:39:52.559
Red rum.
00:39:52.800 --> 00:39:53.920
Red rum.
00:39:54.159 --> 00:39:54.639
All right.
00:39:54.719 --> 00:39:56.159
Uh let's what about you?
00:39:56.320 --> 00:39:57.280
What about you?
00:39:57.760 --> 00:39:58.880
Oh, that's a red flag.
00:39:58.960 --> 00:40:00.000
I need you to replace it.
00:40:00.159 --> 00:40:02.480
Yeah, like just put it, it takes two seconds.
00:40:02.960 --> 00:40:07.360
Now, yeah, I'm not gonna say I haven't done that before, but I know.
00:40:07.519 --> 00:40:10.800
This is all making me think like, oh my god, have I done these?
00:40:11.199 --> 00:40:12.800
These were about you, you didn't know.
00:40:13.119 --> 00:40:13.920
I'm totally kidding.
00:40:14.079 --> 00:40:14.559
I'm kidding.
00:40:15.280 --> 00:40:16.159
Ask her.
00:40:16.960 --> 00:40:18.079
Oh my god.
00:40:18.239 --> 00:40:22.079
Oh god, she'll she'll definitely say, Oh yeah, she's gonna clap.
00:40:22.320 --> 00:40:24.480
Kelly will clap at the end of a flight.
00:40:25.039 --> 00:40:26.880
That's probably a red flag for her.
00:40:27.119 --> 00:40:29.440
But yes, yes, but she lets me be mean.
00:40:29.519 --> 00:40:30.239
That's the good thing.
00:40:30.639 --> 00:40:35.599
She just lets me okay, sings in the car at the top of their lungs.
00:40:37.280 --> 00:40:39.199
Well, green flag.
00:40:39.280 --> 00:40:44.159
And I'm saying green flag for my partner specifically because she never sings.
00:40:44.480 --> 00:40:45.440
Are you serious?
00:40:45.599 --> 00:40:46.960
Yeah, she never sings around me.
00:40:47.039 --> 00:40:52.239
So when she even sings like one line of a song, I'm like, what?
00:40:52.480 --> 00:40:52.719
What?
00:40:52.880 --> 00:40:54.079
What get the money?
00:40:54.320 --> 00:40:54.559
What?
00:40:54.719 --> 00:40:55.119
What?
00:40:55.519 --> 00:41:02.559
So any day, all day, every day, and twice on Sunday, I would love for her to sing at the top of her lungs.
00:41:02.800 --> 00:41:10.159
So I would say green flag in my situation, but normally I would say red flag, like let me listen to the music.
00:41:10.400 --> 00:41:12.239
Oh, so you know it's a great flag for me.
00:41:12.320 --> 00:41:15.519
I need us to be singing at the top of our lungs all the way home.
00:41:15.760 --> 00:41:16.559
Oh, wow.
00:41:16.960 --> 00:41:17.920
Full-blown concert.
00:41:18.000 --> 00:41:19.119
I mean, not every time.
00:41:19.280 --> 00:41:22.960
Yeah, but like if you chose to do it, um I'm joining in.
00:41:23.199 --> 00:41:23.599
Yeah.
00:41:26.079 --> 00:41:28.719
Leaves one sip of juice in the fridge.
00:41:29.199 --> 00:41:29.679
Red.
00:41:30.320 --> 00:41:30.800
Yeah.
00:41:31.280 --> 00:41:31.920
Same.
00:41:32.480 --> 00:41:33.280
Yeah, same.
00:41:33.440 --> 00:41:33.760
Yeah.
00:41:34.000 --> 00:41:35.840
Just drink it or throw it in the five.
00:41:36.000 --> 00:41:36.639
Yeah, I don't even care.
00:41:36.800 --> 00:41:37.199
Just drink it.
00:41:37.280 --> 00:41:38.400
Yeah, just just drink it.
00:41:38.480 --> 00:41:39.119
Don't leave it.
00:41:39.760 --> 00:41:41.440
Our refrigerators are so small.
00:41:41.519 --> 00:41:42.320
Do they get smaller?
00:41:42.559 --> 00:41:44.800
They're so small that mine has nothing.
00:41:45.360 --> 00:41:47.280
A juice container takes up space.
00:41:47.360 --> 00:41:51.039
So once it's like low, just drink it or get rid of it.
00:41:51.280 --> 00:41:51.679
Yeah.
00:41:51.920 --> 00:41:53.760
Like, why didn't you read this here?
00:41:54.320 --> 00:41:54.639
Okay.
00:41:55.440 --> 00:41:57.760
Only has one pillow on their bed.
00:41:58.239 --> 00:41:59.840
That's a red flag.
00:42:00.239 --> 00:42:01.199
Where I need it.
00:42:01.280 --> 00:42:03.440
I need you to have a I need a pillow.
00:42:03.679 --> 00:42:05.519
I would say that's a red flag.
00:42:05.920 --> 00:42:24.239
If I did not have, yeah, if it was just me and I did not have a partner, and I did not have my mom and my aunts come and help me out with the house and put pillows all over and pillows on my bed, I would just have my one flat pillow, and that is it.
00:42:24.400 --> 00:42:31.039
So really, but I but I would say red because you know you should have more than one pillow on your bed.
00:42:31.360 --> 00:42:32.159
You should.
00:42:32.400 --> 00:42:32.639
Yeah.
00:42:32.960 --> 00:42:36.400
Okay, if you want doesn't return the grocery cart.
00:42:36.719 --> 00:42:37.679
Yeah, red.
00:42:38.320 --> 00:42:39.199
Red rum.
00:42:39.599 --> 00:42:40.559
What for you?
00:42:41.440 --> 00:42:44.320
It's red, but I I don't always return the grocery cart.
00:42:44.400 --> 00:42:50.079
So like but I mean, as a man, you should you have they'll take the grocery cart back.
00:42:50.320 --> 00:42:50.800
I don't know.
00:42:51.440 --> 00:42:52.639
Yeah, but you could too.
00:42:53.199 --> 00:42:54.159
Why don't you return it?
00:42:54.320 --> 00:42:59.920
I mean, what you're like, I I feel like I I feel like where do you put it then?
00:43:00.079 --> 00:43:06.079
Like, because there's either the cart return in the parking lot or there's the cart return at Publix.
00:43:06.320 --> 00:43:09.840
But I will say, like, the publics, there's not many cart returns, so I always get irritated.
00:43:11.360 --> 00:43:15.760
But I understand, then I take it all the way in, and that's okay.
00:43:16.320 --> 00:43:19.039
But yeah, I I return it.
00:43:19.280 --> 00:43:28.079
Yeah, there was a whole debate on TikTok or some podcasts about people returning their grocery cars, and they're like, Oh, I look to see people return their grocery cars because that showed your character.
00:43:28.239 --> 00:43:31.840
You just left this out here, and now these people gotta come and collect all these grocery cards.
00:43:31.920 --> 00:43:38.400
Like they were serious about it, and I'm like, but you know, I I do make it a point to return the grocery cart if I don't have my son.
00:43:38.639 --> 00:43:47.119
Now, if I'm pushing the cart all the way out there and I unload the groceries and then I gotta put him in the car or take him back with me.
00:43:47.280 --> 00:43:49.280
I can't leave him in the car to return the grocery cart.
00:43:49.360 --> 00:43:50.400
And I'm like, what the heck do I do?
00:43:50.480 --> 00:43:51.440
I'm ready to get out of here.
00:43:51.519 --> 00:43:53.599
He's screaming, you know, it just depends.
00:43:53.679 --> 00:43:57.840
But if I don't have him, I will walk it to the return cart.
00:43:58.000 --> 00:43:59.519
Yeah, yeah, I understand.
00:44:00.800 --> 00:44:06.719
Yeah, and I don't think you judge a person's character by one situation if they don't return a cart.
00:44:07.039 --> 00:44:11.199
Sometimes when we are walking in parking lots, we aren't thinking.
00:44:11.360 --> 00:44:13.679
We aren't really present in the moment.
00:44:14.400 --> 00:44:17.760
And we just don't, we're not thinking.
00:44:17.920 --> 00:44:20.639
And yeah, we just are on autopilot sometimes.
00:44:20.800 --> 00:44:27.199
How many times do you go out to the parking lot after you come out of the store and you don't remember where you park your car?
00:44:27.440 --> 00:44:29.039
Um all the time.
00:44:29.280 --> 00:44:30.960
It happens very often.
00:44:31.199 --> 00:44:31.760
Yeah.
00:44:32.079 --> 00:44:37.599
And even when I walk into the store and I say, Kelly, remember where you park the car.
00:44:37.840 --> 00:44:42.800
And I come out of the store and I do not remember where I parked the car.
00:44:43.039 --> 00:44:45.360
And I talk to myself, here I go again.
00:44:45.519 --> 00:44:46.639
I can't figure this out.
00:44:47.119 --> 00:44:51.679
You're beating it every and I have an old car, so that doesn't help.
00:44:52.000 --> 00:44:53.360
Thing doesn't even work.
00:44:53.760 --> 00:44:56.239
Guys, it's the worst of the airport.
00:44:56.320 --> 00:44:56.480
Yeah.
00:44:57.039 --> 00:44:58.320
The worst of the airport when it comes back.
00:44:58.880 --> 00:45:02.159
I I tell myself, Kelly, don't forget, it's right there, right?
00:45:02.320 --> 00:45:03.599
You see how you're going in, you go.
00:45:04.480 --> 00:45:06.239
And and I still can't get it.
00:45:06.480 --> 00:45:06.800
Yeah.
00:45:06.880 --> 00:45:08.320
I've that mess said all the time.
00:45:08.400 --> 00:45:09.599
I do that all the time.
00:45:09.920 --> 00:45:10.559
All right.
00:45:10.960 --> 00:45:12.159
Uh let's just do one more.
00:45:12.239 --> 00:45:13.679
Let me find a good one.
00:45:14.000 --> 00:45:16.159
I think I did all the good ones though.
00:45:16.480 --> 00:45:20.000
No, when I go to the airport, I take a picture of where I park.
00:45:20.239 --> 00:45:25.519
Yeah, I do too now because there's one time I went up and down those elevators like 10 times.
00:45:25.840 --> 00:45:26.239
Brutal.
00:45:26.400 --> 00:45:27.199
I could not remember.
00:45:27.280 --> 00:45:27.920
I see yeah.
00:45:28.000 --> 00:45:29.760
I need to remember to take a picture.
00:45:30.880 --> 00:45:31.199
All right.
00:45:31.280 --> 00:45:34.000
What about buy snacks just for you?
00:45:34.960 --> 00:45:35.280
No.
00:45:35.760 --> 00:45:36.639
Red flag.
00:45:37.599 --> 00:45:39.599
They're buying snacks just for you.
00:45:40.000 --> 00:45:40.320
No.
00:45:40.559 --> 00:45:46.159
I'm uh if I'm going to get snacks, I'm getting snacks for everybody.
00:45:46.480 --> 00:45:50.400
And when she gets snacks, she better get snacks for me.
00:45:50.800 --> 00:45:52.719
No, I'm what?
00:45:53.199 --> 00:46:00.000
Wait, I'd say if she buys snacks just for you, like remembers oh, this is your favorite snack.
00:46:00.159 --> 00:46:03.039
2000, like Krugwit and bought snack for herself.
00:46:03.199 --> 00:46:06.400
No, green all the way, green baby.
00:46:07.039 --> 00:46:09.599
I wonder if this actually happened before.
00:46:09.920 --> 00:46:11.760
Green, baby, green.
00:46:12.159 --> 00:46:14.639
Come on, dang, that's a nice gesture.
00:46:14.880 --> 00:46:19.840
No, I mean, she knows she knows how us Krugers are with snacks.
00:46:20.000 --> 00:46:22.639
Like, we like don't eat in front of us.
00:46:22.800 --> 00:46:25.679
When you if you're eating in front of us, please offer us.
00:46:25.760 --> 00:46:29.360
And then the snacks have to be in the daily lineup every day.
00:46:29.599 --> 00:46:30.000
Yeah.
00:46:30.159 --> 00:46:31.119
I misunderstood.
00:46:31.199 --> 00:46:34.400
I thought she would buy snacks just for herself.
00:46:34.480 --> 00:46:35.840
I would flip out.
00:46:36.159 --> 00:46:37.519
Yeah, that's rude.
00:46:37.760 --> 00:46:38.800
That is rude.
00:46:39.760 --> 00:46:40.320
Yeah.
00:46:40.719 --> 00:46:42.079
All right, that was all I had.
00:46:42.239 --> 00:46:42.880
What was yours?
00:46:43.280 --> 00:46:44.239
Was yours green?
00:46:44.400 --> 00:46:44.880
Oh, yeah.
00:46:44.960 --> 00:46:45.119
Yeah.
00:46:45.280 --> 00:46:46.000
You buy me snacks.
00:46:46.079 --> 00:46:47.280
That's like a love language.
00:46:47.519 --> 00:46:48.159
Oh, God.
00:46:48.400 --> 00:46:51.599
I like flowers and snacks and all the things.
00:46:51.760 --> 00:46:54.480
Like you thought about me at the store, and I really appreciate that.
00:46:54.639 --> 00:46:54.880
Yeah.
00:46:55.039 --> 00:46:55.280
Yeah.
00:46:55.440 --> 00:46:56.639
Flowers and snacks.
00:46:56.719 --> 00:46:57.840
That's that's it.
00:46:58.079 --> 00:46:58.400
Yeah.
00:46:58.559 --> 00:46:59.440
It's not hard.
00:47:00.079 --> 00:47:00.400
Yeah.
00:47:00.559 --> 00:47:02.239
It's not, it's not difficult.
00:47:02.639 --> 00:47:03.280
Yeah.
00:47:04.000 --> 00:47:04.400
You ready?
00:47:04.559 --> 00:47:05.440
Hop back on the trail.
00:47:05.679 --> 00:47:07.199
Let's get back on the trail.
00:47:07.519 --> 00:47:07.920
All right.
00:47:08.079 --> 00:47:08.880
With some tools here.
00:47:08.960 --> 00:47:11.119
So what kind of tools do we want to share?
00:47:11.440 --> 00:47:12.079
The model.
00:47:13.119 --> 00:47:14.400
The model with people.
00:47:14.880 --> 00:47:15.679
Fits in everything.
00:47:16.159 --> 00:47:17.760
Behavioral therapy.
00:47:18.079 --> 00:47:18.719
The model.
00:47:19.519 --> 00:47:23.119
I'm going to do a pop-up coaching session soon.
00:47:23.199 --> 00:47:27.920
I'm going to offer one and teach people how to use the model in their everyday lives.
00:47:28.079 --> 00:47:29.920
And it's all about reacting.
00:47:30.000 --> 00:47:34.079
It's circumstance, your thought that you apply to it.
00:47:34.320 --> 00:47:35.920
That drives a feeling.
00:47:36.159 --> 00:47:38.880
Feelings drive action or inaction and a result.
00:47:39.039 --> 00:47:48.639
So it's all about understanding your feelings, taking time to think about it, understanding why you feel what you're feeling, and then acting appropriately.
00:47:48.880 --> 00:47:50.880
So, all right, go back to the tools.
00:47:51.039 --> 00:47:52.000
What do we got?
00:47:52.320 --> 00:47:59.440
So for me, I think the way to start off identifying what makes you uncomfortable or defensive.
00:47:59.519 --> 00:48:07.119
So being curious, write it down, track it, write down your feelings so you can remove yourself, like we talked about before.
00:48:07.280 --> 00:48:14.559
And then writing down what your values are, your moral compass so that way you can properly create a boundary.
00:48:14.800 --> 00:48:15.119
Yeah.
00:48:15.280 --> 00:48:19.280
But you need to identify those first and track your feelings.
00:48:19.840 --> 00:48:20.480
Yep.
00:48:20.960 --> 00:48:21.280
Okay.
00:48:21.599 --> 00:48:25.519
I'm going to go with the boundary clarifier question.
00:48:25.920 --> 00:48:29.199
Ask yourself this and be brutally honest about it.
00:48:29.440 --> 00:48:35.440
If nothing about their behavior changed, what would I need to do to stay emotionally safe?
00:48:35.760 --> 00:48:38.320
And the answer is the boundary that you set.
00:48:40.320 --> 00:48:50.960
That's going to strengthen your agency, what you control, and your self-efficacy to understand that regardless of what happens, you can handle it because you're going to be in alignment.
00:48:51.119 --> 00:48:55.920
So if nothing about their behavior changed, what would I need to do to stay emotionally safe?
00:48:56.079 --> 00:48:56.400
Okay.
00:48:57.360 --> 00:49:03.119
So tool number two, when X happens, XYZ, I will Z.
00:49:03.360 --> 00:49:04.480
So that's yeah.
00:49:04.719 --> 00:49:06.719
I think that's like really easy to understand.
00:49:06.880 --> 00:49:07.760
The XYZ.
00:49:07.840 --> 00:49:10.960
When X happens, I feel Y, so I'm going to do Z.
00:49:11.519 --> 00:49:11.920
Yes.
00:49:12.239 --> 00:49:12.639
That's it.
00:49:13.039 --> 00:49:13.440
Easy.
00:49:14.000 --> 00:49:14.800
Easy.
00:49:15.119 --> 00:49:15.440
Okay.
00:49:15.840 --> 00:49:17.519
I like the control check.
00:49:18.320 --> 00:49:19.519
So it stops the chasing.
00:49:19.679 --> 00:49:22.400
So a few things you can think about where you're trying to set your boundary.
00:49:22.480 --> 00:49:24.239
Well, first we should be using I statements.
00:49:24.719 --> 00:49:30.239
But when you're ready to set your boundary, if you catch yourself saying things like, I need them to understand.
00:49:30.480 --> 00:49:34.000
Maybe if I explain it better, because now you're not being true to your boundary.
00:49:34.239 --> 00:49:38.480
Or I don't want to rock the boat, the avoidance piece, trying to keep the peace.
00:49:38.559 --> 00:49:44.000
We already talked about how that can affect you and your relationship in the long run.
00:49:44.159 --> 00:49:44.639
Mm-hmm.
00:49:45.199 --> 00:49:45.840
Yep.
00:49:46.480 --> 00:49:46.800
Okay.
00:49:47.039 --> 00:49:53.599
One of the tools to go along with that is you can ask yourself, am I trying to control the outcome or honor myself?
00:49:53.760 --> 00:49:54.239
Yeah.
00:49:54.639 --> 00:49:56.000
Question that you can ask yourself.
00:49:56.079 --> 00:49:56.480
Yeah.
00:49:56.800 --> 00:49:58.960
Yeah, that's a pretty important question.
00:49:59.920 --> 00:50:07.440
Like I would I would think like in my history, I've probably tried to control the outcome and versus like not honoring myself.
00:50:07.599 --> 00:50:08.719
But yeah.
00:50:09.039 --> 00:50:10.800
Look, you live and you learn.
00:50:11.119 --> 00:50:11.760
Yeah.
00:50:12.079 --> 00:50:13.840
We all live and we learn, don't we?
00:50:14.079 --> 00:50:16.800
Yeah, well, look, that's why we grow.
00:50:17.119 --> 00:50:20.559
That's what, yes, this that's what this is all about growth.
00:50:21.199 --> 00:50:25.679
That's that's what Trell Talks is, and that's why we're in this business because we're growing.
00:50:25.840 --> 00:50:28.719
We are not perfect, we are a mess sometimes.
00:50:28.960 --> 00:50:32.400
And the last tool is the February love reality check.
00:50:32.480 --> 00:50:38.400
And this we talked about they reveal boundaries, reveal compatibility and they reveal reality.
00:50:38.480 --> 00:50:50.719
So love isn't proven by constant access or perfect consistency, it's revealed by the response, the repair, the curiosity, and respect that you give each other.
00:50:50.880 --> 00:50:52.400
That is partnership.
00:50:52.719 --> 00:51:01.119
Because relationships, successful relationships, aren't built on never messing up, they're built on how you come back together.
00:51:02.000 --> 00:51:04.320
All right, we're ready to close this out.
00:51:04.800 --> 00:51:05.119
All right.
00:51:05.599 --> 00:51:10.000
Hey, everybody, let's just recap the five truths about the boundaries.
00:51:10.079 --> 00:51:11.360
This was a fun one.
00:51:11.760 --> 00:51:14.320
Top five truths about boundaries in love.
00:51:14.480 --> 00:51:17.840
Truth number one, boundaries are about what you control.
00:51:18.559 --> 00:51:22.800
Truth number two, feelings are data, not demands.
00:51:23.280 --> 00:51:27.440
Truth number three, boundaries build self-trust, not comfort.
00:51:28.000 --> 00:51:32.400
And truth number four is boundaries reveal compatibility.
00:51:32.719 --> 00:51:36.880
And truth number five is a boundary without follow-through is just a request.
00:51:37.280 --> 00:51:39.599
There she is, Raycat, everybody.
00:51:39.920 --> 00:51:41.039
Saving the day.
00:51:41.360 --> 00:51:42.800
What was yours, K-mike?
00:51:42.960 --> 00:51:43.760
K Mike.
00:51:44.400 --> 00:51:44.880
All right.
00:51:45.039 --> 00:51:46.159
We are signing off.
00:51:46.239 --> 00:51:49.280
Hey, everybody, boundaries aren't walls, they are clarity.
00:51:49.440 --> 00:51:58.960
They're not about controlling someone you love, they're about trusting yourself enough to protect your emotional safety and letting love be built on respect, not chasing.
00:51:59.199 --> 00:51:59.920
Have a good one.
00:52:00.000 --> 00:52:01.760
We'll see you next time on the trail.
00:52:02.079 --> 00:52:02.559
See you.
00:52:04.159 --> 00:52:08.719
If today's conversation resonated with you, you don't have to walk your journey alone.
00:52:08.880 --> 00:52:17.599
I offer emotional intelligence assessments with personalized coaching, one on one mindset coaching, and leadership development for teams and organizations.
00:52:18.079 --> 00:52:21.519
You can explore all of that at Kellymichelle Coaching.com.
00:52:21.679 --> 00:52:22.960
Linked in the show notes.
00:52:23.119 --> 00:52:28.880
And I'll leave you with this awareness is powerful, but support is transformational.