Proof Over Permission with Alexandra Dotcheva

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Hello, and welcome to Thrive After 45.
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I'm Denise Drinkwalter, midlife mentor and mirror, and every week I am honored to share energy and space with inspiring guests whose stories reflect so many possibilities of thriving beyond 45.
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Together we'll uncover the whispers of the heart, the power of midlife transformation, and the wisdom that fuels expansion.
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Because when one woman turns her light on, the rest of the room catches fire What if the life that cracked open was actually the one you were always meant to find your way into?
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My guest today is a woman who came to her new country with a violin and a dream.
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And for years she thought that was enough.
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Until 2008, when everything she had built quietly fell apart.
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She didn't call it a breakdown.
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She called it a crossroads.
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And that one small but crucial shift in how she held that moment changed the entire direction of her life.
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What followed wasn't a straight line.
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It never is for the woman who actually do the work.
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She became a nurse.
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She built a real estate business.
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She trained in martial arts, not for sport, but because she needed to learn in the most physical way possible what it actually means to stay in the fight.
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And somewhere inside all of that, she won a 20-year battle with her own confidence that she had never spoken about publicly, until now.
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She's written a book about it.
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It Really Is Simple.
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And if that title makes something inside of you bristle, she's counting on that.
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If any part of our guest's story just touched something in you, stay with that.
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That's not coincidence.
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That is recognition.
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And it truly is my honor and privilege to welcome Aleksandra Dotcheva to Thrive After 45.
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So great to have you here.
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Denise, thank you so much for having me.
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What an amazing introduction.
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Thank you so much.
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Pleasure to be here.
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Oh, we, we met, as we always tend to do on our show, because we have so many incredible guests and the lineup just is so large, but Aleksandra and I, before we started our conversation today, she...
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We ha- I just said,"Oh, yes, that's my daughter's name." She,"I remember." I'm like,"Wow, this woman is on fire.
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She remembers so much." And so I would love to start with a question where we can understand more of your backstory.
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I know I introduced a little bit, little snippets, the violin and how you came to the country and, and if you could just give us an overview so our listeners have an idea of who is Aleksandra?
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Where did she start?
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All right.
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Thank you.
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Of course.
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I started the violin at age six in Bulgaria,'cause I'm born, I was born in a family of musicians.
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And, in Eastern Europe, if parents do one thing, they want the child to do the same thing as early as possible.
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And with arts, we have to start early because it's such a competitive field, of course.
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Okay.
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And, I played the violin, Denise, for 29 years.
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Okay?
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Wow.
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at 26 years into violin, that's when I'm, the breakdown happened, the midlife crisis, the crossroads.
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But I did come to the States at age 24 on a student visa, and I earned my master's and doctoral in violin.
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I had spent 12 years in specialized music school in Bulgaria from the first to the 12th grade, and then four more years for the bachelor's degree in the conservatory, which tells you that I had a very narrow focus from a very early age.
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Okay?
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Right.
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So you either succeed or you fail.
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And, If you lose confidence in the middle of all this- Mm-hmm then you're in real trouble.
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And I have described in the book that a lot of my loss of confidence early on in my teenage was, really 90% self-induced- Mm out of, guilt for not practicing properly.
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I mean, there was a big, big moment with the patience and perseverance with practicing because I had a very fast thought process, but I didn't have the patience to allow my hands and, the rest of the body to really, catch up with the demands of the instruments.
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And I was developing well for a while, and then things gradually started, uh, going in a plateau, and I noticed that, and that's when I lost my confidence, and I fed into that, uh, for many years until, um, it was unbearable and something had to change, and I didn't know how to change it, okay?
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Mm.
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So the crisis happened at 32.
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I already had earned my doctoral degree in the States.
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Okay.
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And then the economy started falling apart because we're talking 2008.
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Right.
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32, 2008.
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So, uh, now you know how old I am.
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Yay.
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But at the time it was bad because midlife crisis usually happens after 40, right?
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But- Right you have been in the trade for 26 years.
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That was 26 years when I was 32.
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Mm-hmm.
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It's, like, almost your entire life.
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Yeah.
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And people, after being in the trade for 26 years, they think retirement.
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And in arts, you are starting very late on the job path.
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Mm-hmm.
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Uh, very competitive field.
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To get in an orchestra, you compete against 40 to 500 people for one spot.
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They're playing 10 minutes behind a curtain.
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And this type of pressure was just really what broke me event- eventually, and, in addition to my stage fright that had started way earlier on, and lack of confidence.
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And I was really...
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That was really a crossroads when the economy, um, tanked and many- Right orchestras in the United States started bankrupting one after the other.
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Right.
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Of course.
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Yeah.
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So from there, what did you do at that junction?
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At that junction, uh, two of the strongest players of my professor, students that, um, had graduated very prestigious schools, I heard through the grapevine through a third friend that they had transitioned to drastically different professions, and they were better than me as violinists.
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That was like the slap on the face.
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Wow.
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And that's when I figured, okay, if you don't do this now, you will have huge regrets in 30 years if you don't take a risk.
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So I started looking, um, what did I used to like when I was a kid, but I didn't get the opportunity to study it enough because I was in a music school.
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So one of these things was biology.
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Okay.
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I loved biology.
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I loved animals.
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I loved the way the human body worked, anatomy, physiology- Mm-hmm what little I had learned about it.
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I had no science base past the eighth grade, which was- Mm-hmm still very flimsy because specialized music school you barely touch the surface of any science, and let alone vocabulary in English.
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But I learned that nursing was a profession that was in a shortage- Mm-hmm uh, worldwide, and it didn't demand 11 years in college like I had already spent as a violinist, and I decided to give it a try.
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Mm-hmm.
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So that's how, in a nutshell, it happened with the nursing at first.
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Okay.
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Okay.
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And then from nursing you got into real estate.
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I did.
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Because, it takes about a year, and if you're slow like me, two years to realize how the healthcare system really works.
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Ah.
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And using the patients as assets.
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You know, managing disease versus healing disease.
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Everybody knows a lot about disease and almost nothing about health.
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Uh, the way the nurses were turnover, um, people calling off, so the shortage was additionally exaggerated by people who just didn't feel like going to work at all.
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And, nurses had every disease known to man, and they were supposed to be the professionals who teach others how to be healthy, and that I saw immediately.
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The way the food was served in hospitals, the least healthy food in a cardiac hospital.
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That's where I graduated from, and that really, uh, very big red light.
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So I figured, okay, I'm gonna be a nurse because I want- Yeah to learn the tough way.
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I want a full-time job.
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I will be a nurse for many, many years.
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However, in the meantime- Yeah let's learn something else because I need to now become financially educated to learn how to build assets that produce passive income- Mm-hmm that doesn't depend on a job, and- Right I have choices.
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Mm-hmm.
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I have lots of choices.
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That way you have several streams of passive income- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm that you, uh, manage very well.
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You have to learn the management.
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The acquisition is easy.
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People think it's very hard to buy real estate.
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It's really easy.
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But how you manage that real estate independently and profitably, that's a whole different story.
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So I did buy mentorship from a self-made millionaire because I was clueless financially, Denise.
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Very, very clueless.
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Yeah.
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Just like I was- Yeah scientifically clueless, but I started learning nursing school.
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And I remember in nursing school I spent- Probably between eight and s- 13 hours a day studying.
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Wow.
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I replaced my violin practice with, uh, nursing studying practice.
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Yeah.
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I read all the major textbooks three, four times before even the classes started so I could ace these classes, because I was clueless.
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So with finance, it was kind of the same thing.
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Mm-hmm.
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And, when I started building the assets, then the job became a little bit easier to bear with because it was not my only choice.
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It was no longer like,"You have to do it or else." Right.
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And I was able to find better job opportunities that would allow me to practice real estate at the same time.
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Nice.
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So you constantly have to be searching and- Yeah um, adjusting your style for, like, five, six, seven years until you really find.
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But you have to be willing to stay in the game.
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Mm.
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And there will be difficulties at every step, and you just need to, you know, plow through that, and eventually problem after problem after problem solved.
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Mm-hmm.
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Situation improve gradually.
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You build the confidence.
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But, initially I was a person who really did not know how to tackle problems- Right, okay at all, beyond the four walls of the practice room.
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So this was my long learning curve, uh, solving problems and being proud of it and seeking more problems to solve.
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Nice.
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And tell us about all of those pieces that you were s- I, I'm going to make an assumption here, so please clarify if I'm totally off the mark.
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You are an individual who is able to create a drive or you have a natural drive?
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Once I believe that I can learn anything I want, the natural- Mm drive really becomes a beast.
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But I first had to create a drive, because I, when I was not a competitive enough violinist at 32 and I was making less than$18,000 a year after- Wow having been in the States for six years.
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I've said this before, I've looked at myself in the mirror and said,"You're in America.
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You're in the most prosperous country in the world.
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You're 32 years old, and you're making less than$18,000 a year.
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You're a moron." Mm.
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I told this to...
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You are a moron in every, in every aspect.
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You have no confidence.
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You have no curiosity.
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You have no initiative.
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You're depriving yourself of opportunity because of your mindset.
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Mm.
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So at first, the drive has to be, had to be created with a big self-kick in the butt.
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Yeah.
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And then once- Right the nursing school, I graduated very high, very high grades and then beca- eventually became a successful nurse.
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And then with the real estate, when I made that successful and profitable- Yeah because I built several businesses for each, uh, rental property, that's where the drive already completely kicked in, and there was no stopping.
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Right.
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Right.
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Love that.
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So from where you started to where you are today, what types of things are absolutely imperative from your vantage point and the people that you support on their journeys, what is absolutely imperative that there's no wiggle room for around confidence, let's say, specifically?
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Mm-hmm.
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So if you're curious about something- Mm that can bring you later great satisfaction, whether it's financial, health, or relationship-wise, if you're really curious, grab it.
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Grab it, learn the ropes first, l- live through boredom because after curiosity comes deep boredom, disappointment, disillusionment.
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Live through that.
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Mm.
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Make yourself live through that and continue.
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Remember that first curiosity.
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Never let go of it.
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Never lazy yourself out of that state because you will give up and then you'll start again with something else.
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That's what lots of people with chain of unsuccessful, um, startups and, uh, beginnings in life, that's what it is.
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Live through boredom, create more boredom, create a routine, be bored to death, and do it anyways, and then watch, reap your, the fruit of your success because it's truly, truly worth it and goes beyond your wildest dreams if you keep at it.
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Yeah.
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Keep at it.
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Is there...
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It, it...
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I know that I coach a number of women and have over the last six, seven years, and it's one of the things that I find women in particular are doing is looking outside of themselves to find their, quote-unquote, purpose.
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Mm-hmm.
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And what you're sharing right now I think is a very foundational piece.
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That curiosity lives deep inside of you.
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If you- It's the child right?
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Yes.
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Where is the child?
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Thank you.
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It- That's exactly my lane, too.
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There's something inside of you.
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You don't have to look outside for your purpose.
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You just go inward and flesh away all the years of- I don't know, dumping that you think you believe that you are, when you clear that lane and you tap into your younger self as a child, you'll know what your curiosity is, right?
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You know, it's, yeah, it's really interesting because the way you take responsibility and self-accountability has to be completely on an adult level, but the curiosity always has to stay at the child level.
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Always has to be at a child level.
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Everything else, accountability, resilience, responsibility, integrity, adult level.
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Curiosity, always keep at a child level.
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I love that.
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Yeah.
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That way when you marry those two pieces, you can't go wrong, right?
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You can, but it doesn't bother you so much.
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Ah, there you go.
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You, you're willing to take the risk and the responsibility for it, but the curiosity keeps you going, and- Right accountability tells you when you're going the wrong direction- Mm-hmm if you have the integrity.
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And then comes another very important piece, which in my life was m- major until I made it an ally.
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That was my anxiety.
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Fear of failure, right?
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Mm.
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Fear of judgment and all that.
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Big one.
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Mm-hmm.
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You, yeah, with, the success and with the experience and all the failures that you'll get up out of, then you stop worrying about others' opinions.
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That's the first thing I stopped worrying about, which was- major, major.
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I bet.
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Nobody approved of my martial arts practice for 12 years, which I ended up earning black belts and other belts, and it was great.
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Nobody approved of my nursing.
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My closest, my parents were terrified.
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Uh, then nobody really, my friends didn't approve of my real estate endeavors.
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Mm-hmm.
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Every super close person that I asked, they were against these three major decisions in my life, and they ended up being the most important and most valuable decisions- Mm just because I didn't listen to them, and it turned out to be so successful.
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And that's where the relationship piece comes in holistic confidence, which is what my book, you know, is about.
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But be very careful who you take advice from- Mm because very well-intentioned people will- Mm steer you in the completely wrong direction.
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That's how the road to hell is paved, with excellent intention.
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And you end up nowhere.
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Nowhere.
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Yeah.
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Now, you have to distinguish between good intention and actual competence in your relationships.
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How do you do that?
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again, it's experience, and you need to know how- Yeah to say no.
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Mm-hmm.
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You set limits.
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Uh, over the years you learn to share less and less with fewer and fewer people.
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Yeah.
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Because once you have succeeded in several drastically different areas that you really care about as far as- Mm your self-growth, you no longer need validation.
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Right.
00:15:27.869 --> 00:15:35.850
You never needed validation, but you just never- knew that until you proved it to yourself first, and then you just tell them the result of your actions.
00:15:35.904 --> 00:15:37.504
And everybody's like- Yeah"How did you do that?
00:15:37.986 --> 00:15:44.750
How did that happen?" Well, it happened, but you know I didn't keep you posted on every step, so I didn't hear your opinion necessarily all the times, but here I am now.
00:15:45.059 --> 00:15:46.024
That's how it started.
00:15:46.042 --> 00:15:51.250
And they say- Yeah"Impossible." And that's what they ha- would have said if you told them at the beginning what you intended to do.
00:15:51.460 --> 00:15:59.668
But it's better if they say impossible after you've accomplished it, rather than before and make you g- uh, you know, reconsider your decision and never take the first step.
00:16:00.086 --> 00:16:06.650
So- Mm after the fact, it's nice to inform certain people, and then when they say,"Oh, that's impossible," say,"No, it's not, because I'm the living example of it.
00:16:07.124 --> 00:16:09.551
What are you doing?" Yeah, exactly.
00:16:09.568 --> 00:16:09.895
Yeah.
00:16:09.904 --> 00:16:11.542
Throw the, throw the question back out.
00:16:11.551 --> 00:16:14.442
"And how are you doing with what your dreams are?" Yeah.
00:16:14.451 --> 00:16:15.124
Mm-hmm.
00:16:16.278 --> 00:16:28.250
so what really prompted you in the end to seize that opportunity to redesign your life and leave that whole self-esteem that blocked you- Mm so heavily?
00:16:28.732 --> 00:16:31.278
How did you leave that behind once and forever?
00:16:31.296 --> 00:16:35.077
'Cause I'm hearing very clearly you don't have that in you anymore.
00:16:35.086 --> 00:16:35.115
Yes.
00:16:35.115 --> 00:16:35.524
It's done.
00:16:36.395 --> 00:16:39.869
Just wanna say if you're hearing booms, that's the jets flying on top of my house, okay?
00:16:39.932 --> 00:16:40.205
Oh.
00:16:40.360 --> 00:16:41.923
If you're hearing that, that's, I apologize.
00:16:41.942 --> 00:16:42.778
There's nothing I can do about it.
00:16:42.778 --> 00:16:42.840
That's okay.
00:16:42.840 --> 00:16:44.432
But yes, so what- No, I didn't hear it.
00:16:44.759 --> 00:16:45.232
Oh, good, good.
00:16:45.232 --> 00:16:46.642
'Cause they're all over me now.
00:16:47.042 --> 00:16:47.451
Awesome.
00:16:47.633 --> 00:17:04.651
I came very close to the realization that my self-depriving of opportunity, of curiosity, and of risk-taking, I was depriving, denying myself the opportunity to pursue something different just because I lacked these three qualities that I want to develop so bad.
00:17:05.195 --> 00:17:09.505
And eventually, that self-denying of prosperity became absolutely unbearable.
00:17:09.859 --> 00:17:10.469
Mm.
00:17:10.496 --> 00:17:11.351
Absolutely unbearable.
00:17:11.359 --> 00:17:18.732
Once you realize that the worst things that happen to you, you do to yourself- Mm-hmm then things all of a sudden become much clearer.
00:17:18.996 --> 00:17:19.523
Mm.
00:17:19.678 --> 00:17:20.833
Because there is nobody to blame.
00:17:20.842 --> 00:17:20.859
Yeah.
00:17:21.395 --> 00:17:29.096
And you don't have to blame yourself necessarily, but then you can say,"Oh, okay, it's me, so I can change that." And that's the most empowering thing that happens.
00:17:29.096 --> 00:17:30.278
So that's what happened to me.
00:17:30.596 --> 00:17:31.032
And it was...
00:17:31.068 --> 00:17:32.541
I have to say it was in bumps.
00:17:32.541 --> 00:17:34.005
It was not like a sudden process.
00:17:34.478 --> 00:17:38.877
You will see the light at first, uh, uh, at, at first, and then you keep going and then you fall again.
00:17:38.877 --> 00:17:46.769
It's just a very- Mm tedious process, especially- Yeah with somebody with the mindset that I used to have, which was constantly- Yeah negative, constantly negative and self-deprecating.
00:17:47.404 --> 00:17:55.169
And I tell people, if I could do it, anybody can,'cause I was one of the most negative people that, uh, everybody around me knew, and they were telling me that,"You're such a negative person.
00:17:55.169 --> 00:17:55.914
What, what's..." You know?
00:17:56.232 --> 00:17:57.586
It, it was hard.
00:17:57.787 --> 00:17:58.732
Nobody could help me.
00:17:59.333 --> 00:17:59.605
Mm-hmm.
00:17:59.615 --> 00:18:05.124
So eventually when I hit the ground, when I hit the, the wall- Mm-hmm well, that, that was it, and there was no coming back.
00:18:05.577 --> 00:18:05.859
Right.
00:18:06.142 --> 00:18:06.377
Yeah.
00:18:06.686 --> 00:18:14.384
And- Our show is all about doing for you, by you, because of you, which is exactly what you have done.
00:18:14.940 --> 00:18:25.039
And you hit such challenging times, I can't even begin to imagine, based on your journey from age six to where you are now.
00:18:25.539 --> 00:18:36.931
Your capacity to dig in and move through your cur- curiosity, through what you talked about, the boredom- Mm-hmm the, the repetition.
00:18:37.384 --> 00:18:43.249
But through all of that, is there one thread that allows you to keep hanging on, to keep going?
00:18:43.249 --> 00:18:46.095
Is it the curiosity that does that, or is there something more?
00:18:46.104 --> 00:18:51.848
Well, at this point, like when you're, when you already know that you can do what you can do, it's a reference points.
00:18:51.922 --> 00:18:53.931
You always can reference your previous successes.
00:18:54.057 --> 00:18:54.357
Love that.
00:18:54.394 --> 00:18:57.857
And it's much easier to push yourself through after all these years.
00:18:58.157 --> 00:18:58.567
Love that.
00:18:58.576 --> 00:19:08.648
Because when you become s- completely independently wealthy, started from nothing- Mm-hmm and you're healthy as a bull at 50, um, you see my...
00:19:08.949 --> 00:19:10.258
I can give you another example, Denise.
00:19:10.267 --> 00:19:10.285
Yeah.
00:19:10.295 --> 00:19:11.884
When I, when I stopped martial arts for...
00:19:11.922 --> 00:19:15.576
There was some injuries, so then I hit the fitness like a mad person at 41.
00:19:16.157 --> 00:19:18.384
we were able to do lots of things in martial arts.
00:19:18.384 --> 00:19:20.994
I was pretty strong, but I never was able to do pull-ups.
00:19:21.984 --> 00:19:22.148
Okay, yep.
00:19:22.148 --> 00:19:24.203
I taught myself do 100 pull-ups in a gym session.
00:19:24.749 --> 00:19:26.148
Took me 19 months, okay?
00:19:26.585 --> 00:19:26.767
Yeah.
00:19:26.776 --> 00:19:28.095
And people were saying,"Why 100 pull-ups?
00:19:28.095 --> 00:19:32.285
You can't even do two." I said,"Because that's a goal that actually sparks me." Mm.
00:19:32.295 --> 00:19:35.030
And I had good days and bad days, good days and bad days.
00:19:35.249 --> 00:19:36.384
I did not stop.
00:19:36.422 --> 00:19:38.576
I was dead set on getting these pull-ups right.
00:19:38.648 --> 00:19:40.613
Full range of motion pull-ups, my own weight.
00:19:41.030 --> 00:19:43.903
19 months and I produced 100 pull-ups.
00:19:44.048 --> 00:19:49.366
Actually, 102 pull-ups, up from 87 the previous day, 19 months after I set that goal to myself.
00:19:49.576 --> 00:19:51.922
I was 42 already.
00:19:52.157 --> 00:19:52.394
Wow.
00:19:52.730 --> 00:19:54.330
People w- learn pull-ups in their teens.
00:19:54.440 --> 00:19:54.595
Mm-hmm.
00:19:54.604 --> 00:19:55.730
I learned them in my 40s.
00:19:55.730 --> 00:19:55.924
Yeah.
00:19:55.924 --> 00:19:56.357
I still do'em.
00:19:56.640 --> 00:19:57.339
I'm 50 now.
00:19:57.348 --> 00:19:57.403
Wow.
00:19:57.694 --> 00:19:57.967
Okay?
00:19:57.976 --> 00:19:58.157
Mm-hmm.
00:19:58.184 --> 00:20:02.366
So the same, same principle with anything new that you start.
00:20:02.657 --> 00:20:06.740
If you're curious enough and it keeps you going, live through the boredom.
00:20:07.003 --> 00:20:07.285
Mm-hmm.
00:20:07.295 --> 00:20:08.557
Live through the failure.
00:20:08.875 --> 00:20:09.067
Mm-hmm.
00:20:09.067 --> 00:20:09.585
And do it.
00:20:10.157 --> 00:20:10.258
Yeah.
00:20:10.267 --> 00:20:13.866
And s- I, I, I tell you, it's, it's beautiful.
00:20:14.076 --> 00:20:15.067
Yeah.
00:20:15.157 --> 00:20:16.613
So incredible.
00:20:17.884 --> 00:20:18.067
It's beautiful.
00:20:18.067 --> 00:20:18.467
Yeah.
00:20:18.740 --> 00:20:25.512
Because what you're sharing is so important, and this is a piece that I think a lot of us don't take the time to do.
00:20:26.012 --> 00:20:27.057
But reference.
00:20:27.530 --> 00:20:27.648
Yeah.
00:20:27.657 --> 00:20:29.694
Look at where you have grown.
00:20:29.913 --> 00:20:32.839
Don't just say,"It didn't work today, I'm giving up." No, no, no.
00:20:33.240 --> 00:20:34.021
Today is today.
00:20:34.021 --> 00:20:35.330
What happened last week?
00:20:35.330 --> 00:20:42.021
What happened yester- use different markers to cross-reference,"No, I have improved, and here's the evidence," right?
00:20:42.030 --> 00:20:42.067
Mm-hmm.
00:20:42.067 --> 00:20:46.576
Because that helps you keep that curios- curiosity, that spark alive.
00:20:46.576 --> 00:20:49.903
I think that helps you keep the course and don't give up.
00:20:50.651 --> 00:20:53.214
That's right Yeah That's right Yeah.
00:20:53.787 --> 00:20:54.432
Love it.
00:20:55.142 --> 00:20:57.523
Ugh, I knew this was gonna be an incredible conversation.
00:20:57.541 --> 00:21:01.951
I'm over here with my cheerleading going,"Yes, she did that, and who knows what...
00:21:02.041 --> 00:21:02.914
What's next?" Thank you.
00:21:02.914 --> 00:21:02.996
I appreciate it.
00:21:02.996 --> 00:21:04.287
What's coming up next?
00:21:04.478 --> 00:21:05.951
What's coming up next for you?
00:21:05.951 --> 00:21:17.296
Are you busy doing some more- Of course anything imp- I was gonna say, you, you won't go to bed at night going,"Well, I think that's it for now." No, no, not in the next 45 years, I don't think.
00:21:17.651 --> 00:21:21.515
Um- Good that's like the realtors calling me to buy my property.
00:21:21.515 --> 00:21:23.442
So I tell them,"Call me in 45 years." Ugh.
00:21:23.686 --> 00:21:24.732
We can then have a conversation.
00:21:24.815 --> 00:21:25.105
Yep.
00:21:25.142 --> 00:21:25.232
Yeah.
00:21:25.951 --> 00:21:30.269
One thing I want your listeners to know, when you buy an investment that produces cashflow, you don't sell it.
00:21:30.904 --> 00:21:32.868
You never- Okay just don't, don't sell it.
00:21:33.041 --> 00:21:34.032
That's what Warren Buffett...
00:21:34.151 --> 00:21:35.105
Please don't sell.
00:21:35.351 --> 00:21:38.805
Buy- There you go and you will be financially independent very quickly.
00:21:39.096 --> 00:21:39.615
Mm-hmm.
00:21:39.750 --> 00:21:40.305
Very quickly.
00:21:41.178 --> 00:21:41.704
Nice.
00:21:41.769 --> 00:21:42.333
Nice.
00:21:42.987 --> 00:21:51.695
Any other tips, any other words of wisdom that you want to leave our community with before we say our goodbyes?
00:21:54.155 --> 00:21:57.337
So everybody has a different situation.
00:21:57.720 --> 00:21:57.846
Mm-hmm.
00:21:57.855 --> 00:21:59.111
We all have a different situation.
00:21:59.565 --> 00:22:04.075
We all think our situation is the hardest, the worst, the- Mm the absolute worst, whatever.
00:22:05.146 --> 00:22:14.619
Um, when you read the motivational book or listen to a motivational interview, like today's for example- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm don't hurry to tell yourself,"Oh, but my situation won't allow that." This is not true.
00:22:14.655 --> 00:22:24.275
You're using your unique situation as an excuse- Right for being- Yeah lazy and for not risking and for not growing.
00:22:24.792 --> 00:22:25.438
Don't do that.
00:22:25.756 --> 00:22:30.420
The uniqueness of your situation has beautiful things in it that you have- haven't appreciated yet.
00:22:30.729 --> 00:22:40.384
You need to appreciate the uniqueness instead of dreading it and using it as an excuse, because you're short-changing yourself if you believe that the uniqueness of your situation is a handicap.
00:22:40.646 --> 00:22:41.337
It is not.
00:22:41.801 --> 00:22:42.102
Mm-hmm.
00:22:42.337 --> 00:22:54.292
Gain your experience, take the positives of your experience, and find something you really, really aspire towards or you have aspired towards for decades and didn't give yourself the opportunity to explore.
00:22:54.664 --> 00:22:54.683
Mm-hmm.
00:22:54.683 --> 00:22:56.174
My martial arts situation was that.
00:22:56.174 --> 00:22:57.701
I describe this in chapter one of my book.
00:22:57.711 --> 00:23:03.319
I was dreaming of being a martial arts when I was in the third grade, and I was this violinist, you know, music school.
00:23:03.319 --> 00:23:10.247
And in communism, there was very limited amount of movies that we were allowed to see, but the Chinese movies with the martial arts, I was in love with these.
00:23:10.584 --> 00:23:14.192
So I was secretly practicing in our shared bedroom, because my parents and I shared a bedroom.
00:23:14.747 --> 00:23:24.765
And one day I had the, naiveté to share with my dad that I had been practicing karate for three months, and you have no idea if you haven't seen my dad explode.
00:23:24.974 --> 00:23:25.119
Mm.
00:23:25.155 --> 00:23:31.911
It was never a good thing, so, you know, he poo-pooed my dream in a matter of, like, 15 minutes, because you see,"Oh, you can break a finger.
00:23:31.911 --> 00:23:32.619
How dare you?
00:23:32.628 --> 00:23:33.955
Do you know you don't have a teacher?
00:23:34.265 --> 00:23:35.065
You're a violinist.
00:23:35.065 --> 00:23:37.238
This is impossible." No, it was, was horrible.
00:23:37.575 --> 00:23:37.602
Wow.
00:23:37.720 --> 00:23:40.192
So that dream I got to realize when I was 30.
00:23:40.375 --> 00:23:42.884
I started martial arts in America very seriously.
00:23:42.884 --> 00:23:43.946
I took it very seriously.
00:23:44.310 --> 00:23:44.393
Mm-hmm.
00:23:44.393 --> 00:23:52.301
But see, we all have these dreams- Yeah more than one, that- Mm-hmm at some point have been smashed for whatever dumb reason- Yeah for the dumbest reason usually.
00:23:52.810 --> 00:23:52.974
Yeah.
00:23:52.974 --> 00:23:54.646
Are you still able to explore that dream?
00:23:54.655 --> 00:23:55.611
What's in the way today?
00:23:55.619 --> 00:23:56.565
Because now you're adult.
00:23:56.611 --> 00:23:57.701
Nobody tells you what to do.
00:23:58.192 --> 00:23:58.275
Yeah.
00:23:58.284 --> 00:23:58.528
Okay?
00:23:58.538 --> 00:23:58.556
Yeah.
00:23:59.001 --> 00:24:06.438
Did you grow up too much and you're now depriving yourself of opportunity, or do you still have that childhood curiosity that is there lurking and you're just suppressing it?
00:24:06.920 --> 00:24:06.938
Yeah.
00:24:06.946 --> 00:24:09.528
So the uniqueness of the situation has value.
00:24:10.038 --> 00:24:10.247
Yeah.
00:24:10.256 --> 00:24:10.865
Use it.
00:24:11.256 --> 00:24:12.556
Don't use it as an excuse.
00:24:12.584 --> 00:24:17.584
Use it as an advantage, and give yourself every opportunity, because ultimately life is really short.
00:24:17.602 --> 00:24:20.692
And as a nurse, I can tell you that because- Right it is very short.
00:24:20.692 --> 00:24:27.192
I've seen lots of people die, and please don't be one of those people who die with regret in 30 or 40 years, okay?
00:24:27.355 --> 00:24:27.692
Yeah.
00:24:28.596 --> 00:24:29.550
Love that.
00:24:30.315 --> 00:24:33.859
You, you just finished this episode off beautifully.
00:24:33.868 --> 00:24:33.877
Mm.
00:24:34.305 --> 00:24:41.142
It's within you, do it for you, by you, because of you, and you get to thrive after 45 and beyond.
00:24:42.015 --> 00:24:46.105
Especially after 45- Yeah because you're so much smarter than you- Absolutely when, when you're 15.
00:24:46.133 --> 00:24:47.223
You're so much smarter.
00:24:47.223 --> 00:24:50.541
There are tons of people who become extremely successful after 45.
00:24:50.859 --> 00:24:50.932
Yeah.
00:24:51.023 --> 00:24:53.086
So never think that 45 is a disadvantage.
00:24:53.160 --> 00:24:53.914
It's beautiful.
00:24:54.077 --> 00:24:54.223
It is.
00:24:54.223 --> 00:24:55.133
It's absolutely beautiful.
00:24:55.515 --> 00:24:55.842
Yeah.
00:24:56.041 --> 00:24:56.442
It is.
00:24:56.550 --> 00:24:57.395
It-'Cause you've finally grown a brain.
00:24:57.904 --> 00:24:58.359
Right?
00:24:58.423 --> 00:24:58.686
Totally.
00:24:59.151 --> 00:24:59.178
Yes.
00:24:59.577 --> 00:25:04.223
And you really can understand the power that you have.
00:25:04.660 --> 00:25:12.460
Your decision-making, your action-taking is all within your ability to choose- Absolutely and do, right?
00:25:12.532 --> 00:25:12.732
Yes, ma'am.
00:25:12.741 --> 00:25:13.960
Yeah, 100%.
00:25:13.969 --> 00:25:14.186
Yes, ma'am.
00:25:14.669 --> 00:25:15.568
Love that.
00:25:16.698 --> 00:25:19.971
Thank you so much, Alexandra, for your- Pleasure.
00:25:19.971 --> 00:25:20.779
I appreciate you so much, Denise.
00:25:20.788 --> 00:25:20.844
Thank you.
00:25:20.844 --> 00:25:22.535
Oh, so good.
00:25:22.924 --> 00:25:36.388
We will have in the show notes all the information, your book, so people can go and access, find you, learn more about you, learn more about themselves through learning with everything that you have put into the world with your book.
00:25:36.897 --> 00:25:42.516
And before we close, I do want to tell our audience about A Room of Our Own.
00:25:42.570 --> 00:26:07.897
In November, um, the 12th and 13th actually, I'm hosting a live in-person experience called Ignite: The Inner Uprising, where women in midlife years are going to come and gather, feeling that quiet pull towards something more truthful, more embodied, more fully their own, tapping into that deep curiosity that really does exist within every one of us.
00:26:08.434 --> 00:26:14.715
Ignite is an extension of the conversations like we have here on our show, like we just had with Alexandra.
00:26:15.025 --> 00:26:30.252
It's where reflection starts to become embodied and insight starts to become integrated, where women who have held so much for everybody else finally get to come and gather and fan- stand fully in their own sovereignty.
00:26:30.252 --> 00:26:35.844
So if something in our conversation today stirred inside of you, that's not by accident.
00:26:36.516 --> 00:26:46.415
The wait list is open, so make sure you put your name on the wait list to learn more information as it, as it becomes more available, and your future self will thank you.
00:26:47.070 --> 00:26:48.807
The link will be in the show notes for that.
00:26:48.807 --> 00:27:05.134
And as always, make sure you like, share, follow, leave us a review so more women can find these incredible conversations in our community, because when one woman turns her light on like Alexandra, the rest of the room does catch fire.
00:27:05.516 --> 00:27:06.544
Until next time.
00:27:06.952 --> 00:27:09.480
Thank you again, Alexandra, for being here today.
00:27:09.943 --> 00:27:10.561
Thank you, Denise.
00:27:10.625 --> 00:27:11.316
It was such a pleasure.
00:27:11.316 --> 00:27:11.653
Thank you.