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Welcome to the There She Goes podcast.
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I'm your host, Grecia Ruiz, and I can't wait to dive into everyday stories where we find the magic in the mundane.
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This podcast is inspired by real stories, tiny steps, and brave women.
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For so long, I was looking for permission in songs, stories, and other people to trust myself, follow my dreams, and take the lead.
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If this podcast can be that tiny spark of permission for you, then here we go.
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How do you record a podcast episode when you're functioning through grief?
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How do you keep working when you're functioning through grief?
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How do you deal with the duality and the complexity of having moments and pockets of time where you're distracted, where you're having fun, you're laughing, you're relaxed, you're enjoying life, and then you go right back into feeling down, unsure of why maybe you're sad or what's going on, uh, difficulty processing, difficulty doing some basic tasks.
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That's been my life, honestly, for the past couple of weeks now, more than a couple of weeks, for the past few weeks now.
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And this is the first time I get back on the mic uh in a very long time.
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Any podcast episodes that I released prior, uh, every single one was recorded before this, I would say, season and period of grief began in my life, in this chapter in my life.
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This is not a topic that I find easy to cover.
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And to be honest, I actually think this is gonna be a very healing episode for me and and hopefully a very healing episode for others, especially if you're like me, that you tend to be known for being joyful, you tend to be known for being high energy, you tend to be known for um, you know, making people laugh, or uh just again, overall, I guess maybe being in a good mood or extroverted.
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And the thing is, like, we you know, we're human.
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We're not defined by a specific emotion, we're not defined by a specific circumstance.
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Like, yes, just because I might happen to be, for the most part, a more high-energy person, more dramatic, maybe more um performative.
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I love the performance aspect, the gestures, the hand movements, and you can see that throughout all my episodes.
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Um, but you know, I did not expect this to be the topic that I was gonna cover today.
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And frankly, I am not as comfortable talking about the hard aspects of life.
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I am way more comfortable talking about joy and celebration, and that's really what There She Goes is meant to be about.
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It's it is meant to be a joyful podcast and community, it's meant to be celebratory, right?
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But it also is meant to hold you through the different experiences that we go through as humans, right?
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Like it's the whole human experience, and I actually think this is a very important episode for me, not only to release what's going on in my life, but um because I'm not as comfortable talking about grief, loss, sadness, hardship.
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If you are in a season of grief, sadness, difficulty, loss, hardship, frankly, if you're even in a season of uncertainty, anxiety, instability, waiting, a waiting period, this one is for you because what I also want to talk about today, and then kind of the grief experience that I'm going through, is it's multifaceted.
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It's both related to events that are actively happening in my life now, but it's also about being in a waiting season filled with uncertainty, a lot of instability, navigating all of that and navigating the grief of the longing of something that hasn't arrived yet and may never will, you know.
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Technically, we don't know the future, right?
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So I just wanted to maybe like have some empathy and grace here.
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If you also happen to be going through a grief that maybe isn't a grief about something that happened or a loss that you are going through, maybe it's grief, grieving a life that you thought you would have, or grieving a waiting period, a waiting season.
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Um, because that's where I find myself today.
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So today actually is my 25th episode, and I'm really proud of that.
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That's a big deal for me, especially recording this, going through what I'm going through right now and just all the emotions that I'm going through.
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It's a big deal because it is hard for me to function through grief or hardship or anxiety or instability.
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It's hard.
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It's hard to stay consistent, and consistency does look different during this season.
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Uh, I've given myself a lot of grace and a lot of breaks, and I don't apologize for it at all.
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I don't even explain it actually.
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Um, I've just been taking the breaks when I need them, and I have been really taking care of myself, taking care of what's truly most important, like minimum viable product here.
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Like, what is the minimum thing that I have to take care of?
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Um, I think that's honestly the very first thing I want to mention when you know navigating a season of grief or loss or hardship or instability or change, like any hard season in your life, like you cannot expect yourself to function as if you were going through the most joyful period and super excitement and lots of opportunities and lots of fun times, right?
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You cannot function the same way, nor should you expect yourself to.
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So if you add guilt or shame um or the need to be productive on top of everything else, like you're just making your experience harder.
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And I've honestly learned that this really for me right now is very much a creative outlet.
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It is not currently making me any, you know, income.
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Hopefully, maybe in the future it will.
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I would love for this to become um uh a real, you know, sustaining business, not only the podcast, but really the community and the coming together uh of all of us coming together between both podcast, you know, guests or in in real life events and maybe some virtual events, whatever that looks like.
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So for my 25th episode, I had a very different uh plan um for this episode.
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I wanted it to be special.
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I'm I really like milestones.
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I love making meaning out of things, uh seeking patterns.
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And so for the 25th episode, I was actually originally going to talk about how it feels like to build two businesses at once.
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So both this business, I've already been very clear as of now, it is still very much a creative outlet.
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I'm still learning a lot from it.
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But the intention is that this is a business model, uh, ultimately.
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Um, and not only this business, but also Italy Brides, my destination wedding planning business.
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So that was originally what I was gonna talk about, but I think that number one, this topic took precedence.
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It's not what I expected, and I think that's exactly why I need to talk about it.
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And I just think it makes things way more real because grief comes to you when you least expect it.
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It's not going to be when, you know, it's perfectly planned.
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Nobody plans for grief, nobody plans for sadness or loss or hardship or any of that.
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Like you do not plan for these things.
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Life happens, and it's gonna happen to you when you least expect it.
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It's gonna happen to you, it's gonna, you know, shift your plans.
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So that's what this is.
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It this episode truly is about how how you navigate that season and function differently and kind of take life by the balls.
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I don't know how else to say that.
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Take the bull, take the bull by the horn and yeah, pivot.
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Pivot.
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So let me talk a little bit about what I'm going through and what I'm navigating specifically, just to give you a little bit of insight.
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And then I would love to share with you pretty much word for word, something that I wrote down as I was planning this episode.
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It's just something that was in my heart, and really it's the biggest takeaway from this episode that I hope um you take with you.
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So basically, the situation that I've been going through, I made a little reel about it, and I'm super, super appreciative and grateful for everybody that sent words of encouragement, um, sent a heart, sent some love, some support.
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It's been beautiful to see that.
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Basically, it's kind of twofold for me.
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So, my mother-in-law has been battling cancer for the past year and a half, and we have been dealing with that, the severity of the illness.
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We have been visiting as much as possible.
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So I live in California.
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My mother-in-law and my my sister-in-law and family live in Utah.
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So we visit them as much as possible.
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We've actually been trying to visit about once a month, and uh, so that's something that we've been doing as much as possible.
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I'm very grateful that my current job has allowed me the flexibility to do that.
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But a few weeks ago, um, my mother-in-law had been going in and out of the hospital significantly.
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So we started increasing the amount of time that we spent in Utah.
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Well, we came back from Utah.
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We were here for a whole week, and we were not expecting to get uh a letter from the ER from the emergency room.
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So the ER doctors that were helping her with that latest hospital run told us, unfortunately, and in the most matter-of-fact, insensitive way, via letter written down that she, in the current situation she was in, had at most two days to live.
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That like that is exactly what we were told.
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So you can imagine the stress, the immediate shock, the grief, the completely unplanned uh trip that we made out there.
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We both took a flight the same day, you know, made our way over there, took care of her, and as we saw her, yes, she was in a very critical condition.
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But after going to the doctor, going to the hospital a few times and stabilizing her and her levels, we realized that the diagnosis of, you know, the very, very harsh timeline expectation was obviously incorrect.
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So, yes, she's in a critical condition.
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I don't think they had all the information that they needed because this was just the ER.
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This was not her cancer specialist, this was not her care team.
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So I don't think they had all the information they needed.
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But you can imagine the toll that it took on the entire family.
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So it ever since then, we've been pretty much on edge, right?
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So not knowing what's gonna happen, not knowing how her health is doing, not knowing how long we have with her.
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So it has been a process, a big process of grieving and taking things one day at a time and really being on high alert, on edge of any little symptom, any little condition, anything to make sure that she's doing all right.
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So that was a big toll on us.
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And I want to talk about the complexity as well of going through a situation like this while other aspects of your life are still going on.
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So at the same time that this is occurring, my mom's 60th birthday was coming up.
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We already had a trip not only planned and paid for for Cancun, it was coming up in a week.
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So again, I'm living one day at a time, not even knowing if we're gonna have to just lose the trip.
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Not only the the trip and the the money we we spent on the trip, but of course the the hope that we had to all come together as a family and and really celebrate my mom.
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Thankfully, my mother-in-law ended up feeling so much better and she turned things around by the end of our time with her.
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Um, she had family members, you know, fly in or drive in and spend weeks on end with her while we went to Cancun.
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So the complexity of the emotions there is that, you know, two things can be true at once.
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You could be, and in my case, I was grieving and very sad and very invested in what's going on with my mother-in-law, with my husband, with my all of my in-laws.
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At the same time, I'm excited to celebrate my mom's 60th birthday.
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I'm excited to be with my family.
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I'm excited to be relaxed in a tanning in a beach vacation.
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So we did the beach vacation and it was everything I could have hoped for.
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Seriously, we like left our worries at the door.
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We partied, we drank.
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It was really fun as a family.
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Like, I've never partied with my family like this, and I don't usually party this much.
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Um, but I had the best time.
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We had the absolute best time.
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We were so relaxed, completely and utterly detached from what was going on.
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It really felt like a bubble.
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But as soon as I came back, uh, and as soon as I started going back into the rhythms of my regular routine, I started dropping again.
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My emotions started dropping.
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I started falling back into worries.
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I've started falling back into what's going on, right?
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So that's the complexity of the human condition of the human experience.
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Um, I think it's important that we don't guilt ourselves for feeling that, like for feeling joy and for feeling pockets of joy and laughter while you're going through a loss or while you're going through grief, because it's perfectly normal.
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We we are not just, we don't have just one emotion at a time.
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And I think the perfect example of this for you, Disney lovers like me, is in is the movie Inside Out, right?
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It's like that's the biggest lesson of the movie.
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We are very complex and and negatives and feelings are not negative or positive.
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Like you could literally have the same exact experience be bittersweet.
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It could be both joyful and sad.
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And actually, the sadness, and that was a big lesson towards the end of the core memories, the sadness led to um the you know, the main character being comforted by her family, which led to joy.
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So I just want to mention again, there's a complexity, and you know, I I think it's important that we do live out the full range of the human experience.
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Um, we we wouldn't know what happiness is without the alternative, right?
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Without sadness.
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So that's the main thing that was occurring.
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Um the other thing that I would say is occurring in my life right now that's also causing uh grief is that I've been attempting to become a mom and expand our family for the past two years now, a little over two years now.
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And it's a whole journey, and that could be a whole nother episode.
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Um, but there's a very real longing there and a very real grief of being in a waiting season, not knowing, you know, if all the efforts that I'm putting in are going to result in that pregnancy that I'm hoping for.
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Um I'm still very much still doing tests, still trying to make sure that my body is functioning, you know, properly and can handle that pregnancy.
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Like, we're still looking at a bunch of options.
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Um, and again, I'm I'm happy to share that.
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Um pretty much an open book.
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I think I will be sharing my fertility journey in another episode.
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Um, but just for awareness, like that is the other piece, and it's a very real piece and a very real component of the grief that I'm feeling lately of what's keeping me down.
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And it makes sense that it's coming up at a time where, you know, my mother-in-law is sick and facing a severe illness.
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Um, I mean, she herself has actually commented how, you know, when am I gonna get to meet these grandkids?
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So it makes it more real, more vivid when I think, you know, one of your parental figures here is going through this tough time, and you want to think about the you know, the future generation and making sure that they get to meet their grandparents.
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So it's been a season of grief for me, is the point.
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And it hasn't been easy.
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And I haven't been posting as much.
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And again, I just want to reiterate I am not guilty about it.
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I'm not apologizing for it.
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And I just really want you to hear that if you are going through that season, take care of you, take care of you, be present, take care of the most minimal viable product, what is the most basic things you need to take care of, like eating, like sleeping, like bathing.
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Like if I don't have kids yet, we just talked about that.
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But if I had kids, like, you know, making sure that they're eating, that they're having their routines, like really just taking care of basics.
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And even at work, like to be honest, I am just taking care of what is the critical priorities at work.
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Anything else has got to go.
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Anything else, I I don't have the bandwidth for.
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So I'm obviously in a situation where, hey, I finally took some time.
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Not only did I take some amazing distractions, an amazing time with my family, both in Cancun.
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Just yesterday, I celebrated my sister-in-law's birthday.
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Um, from so on my brother, on my brother's side, and we had a we had a great time.
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We went on a boat, we also partied again, and again, I just found myself like fully invested in the joy.
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You could see it in my stories.
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It's not a lie.
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I'm at that moment, I'm feeling so much joy, so much like soul fulfillment.
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Like it was filling my soul in the way I needed.
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But then the very the very next day after I'm alone, I start feeling all the feelings again.
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So today I purposely took a day.
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Thankfully, I've actually been home alone.
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So I took the day to reset, to do some laundry slowly, listen to an audiobook, eat, take a shower.
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It's super hot.
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We're going through a heat wave right now.
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So um also try to stay away from the heat uh with all my fans because our AC is broken.
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It's it's insane.
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And um and that's why I finally had the band of life to talk to you all today.
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Because I finally took some time enough time for myself.
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And I didn't want to put a limit on it.
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I'm like, look, if I don't put out an episode, I don't put out an episode.
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And if I can't put out an episode next week, I I can't.
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I don't want to force it.
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I want this to continue to be what it is, something that I really enjoy.
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And hopefully messages that are important and are valuable for not only myself, but for anybody that's listening.
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And one final thing before I mention the, like I said, the thing I wanted to read out to you as the takeaways for this episode.
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But during the Disney walk that I got to put on together with Tracy from One Small Step Walks, that walk, that community event was so amazing for me.
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It was right before, literally right before all of this.
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I'm talking like two, two days before everything started spiraling.
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So I'm so grateful for that.
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And I think it's crazy that that happened to happen right before all of this.
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I, in a way, I felt like it was preparing me for what was to come because during that event, again, I'm much more comfortable with joy, celebration, fun, loud, big energy, hugs, like just so much love.
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But at that event, I what I was not expecting, because that is not something that I handle well, was that we were gonna have a conversation about grief.
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Like, yo, like I can't make this up.
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I'm like, what?
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And of course, retrospectively, I can see that and be like, that was preparing me for this.
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So we were sitting at lunch after having our, you know, morning of getting to meet each other and everybody being a little nervous about meeting new people and then getting to know each other and going on a fruit rise and then starting to smile, starting to laugh, starting to chat, like things are starting to flow.
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Then during lunch, I wasn't expecting that one of the attendees um had just been, you know, recently dealing with just a lot of grief from multiple deaths of loved ones in her family.
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And so she started mentioning that.
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And I immediately, my my mind went into like, what can I do to help, or or how do I navigate this situation?
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So that is what typically goes on in my head.
00:20:03.039 --> 00:20:05.200
Um, I'm gonna just be very vulnerable and open.
00:20:05.279 --> 00:20:27.039
Uh uh when somebody, when I know that there is a loss or grief and someone is going through that, I immediately get uncomfortable in the sense that I feel like somehow it's my responsibility to say the wrong the right thing, or to not say the wrong thing and anger anger the person or make the person feel even worse, or not just say the normal platitudes and the normal comfort things that everybody says.
00:20:27.200 --> 00:20:29.200
And I really get anxious.
00:20:29.440 --> 00:20:38.799
Not because of the situation, not because I can't handle or don't want to, not because I'm not empathetic, not because I'm not loving, and not because I don't want to comfort the person.
00:20:38.880 --> 00:20:47.519
It's actually 100% anxiety about my reaction and how well I can support someone through a difficult time.
00:20:47.759 --> 00:20:56.400
And what I've come to realize based on that lunch and based on what's been going on lately is that that's not my responsibility.
00:20:56.720 --> 00:21:04.160
And literally nothing I can do or say is going to actually fix the situation or completely stop the grief.
00:21:04.319 --> 00:21:05.680
Like that is not gonna happen.
00:21:05.920 --> 00:21:17.119
So during the lunch, what did end up happening without me saying a word, because we were in community, another person spoke up and said, I've been dealing with grief for a few years too, with the death of one of my loved ones.
00:21:17.279 --> 00:21:22.559
So all of a sudden, people started connecting in a in a much more intimate way.
00:21:22.799 --> 00:21:28.000
And post-lunch, thanks to that conversation, that was hard and it was about grief.
00:21:28.079 --> 00:21:31.200
It was not happy go lucky butterflies, we're at Disney, you would think.
00:21:31.359 --> 00:21:35.359
No, it was a tough conversation about the realness of life.
00:21:35.599 --> 00:21:38.640
It bonded us way more than I could have ever expected.
00:21:38.880 --> 00:21:44.559
And we were it was just like the bonding after lunch and going on the rise after that.
00:21:44.720 --> 00:21:47.039
It felt like we've known each other for a very long time.
00:21:47.279 --> 00:21:50.640
So that's why this is a very important topic because it does bond us.
00:21:50.799 --> 00:21:55.680
Uh, I think it bonds hard things bond us more than than easy seasons.
00:21:55.920 --> 00:21:59.759
And so, what I learned through that experience and through the experience of me starting.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:16.319
To talk about it and post about it is now that I'm seeing the messages that I've received, it could seriously be as simple as literally a heart comment on my reel, all the way to sending me, you know, five-minute audio message about just how much somebody loves me and supporting me.
00:22:16.400 --> 00:22:22.400
I realized that it I didn't care, nor am I looking for anyone to solve my situation.
00:22:22.880 --> 00:22:38.079
But the simple act of showing up, the simple act of showing empathy, the simple act of people saying, Hey, I'm here if you ever need me, hey, I'm here if you want to talk, it showered me with love and support and helped me carry the load and made it easier on me.
00:22:38.240 --> 00:22:52.160
So it's just my encouragement to you and to myself that if you're going through a moment or if you struggle with this too, and you think I have to have the right thing to say or I don't know how to handle the situation, like it's not about you and it's not about having the right words to say.
00:22:52.319 --> 00:22:54.319
It's not going to magically fix the situation.
00:22:54.480 --> 00:23:01.759
It is simply the act of showing solidarity and showing that you care in whatever way that looks to you.
00:23:01.920 --> 00:23:02.880
It really is that simple.
00:23:03.039 --> 00:23:09.039
So it's just a reminder for those of you who may be not experiencing grief but want to support somebody who is.
00:23:09.279 --> 00:23:17.759
Um, there is comfort in remembering that there are people that want to hold you and you don't really don't need to have the right words for that.
00:23:18.559 --> 00:23:28.880
So I want to wrap this up by saying, just kind of reading out to you what I hope you take away from this episode and what I took away from this season.
00:23:28.960 --> 00:23:30.880
So I'm gonna read this word for word.
00:23:31.519 --> 00:23:35.599
I wrote, My heart is just bleeding out grief today.
00:23:36.000 --> 00:23:40.480
I'm living out the full range of the human experience, and that makes me happy.
00:23:40.640 --> 00:23:50.160
That brings me joy because I know I am fully and deeply living every emotion, every experience, every depth this life has to offer.
00:23:50.400 --> 00:23:52.400
And that's what I want for my life.
00:23:52.720 --> 00:24:00.240
We get one life, and it's short, and we're not guaranteed how long we'll be here.
00:24:00.640 --> 00:24:02.240
It could be less than you think.
00:24:02.400 --> 00:24:12.640
So live it fully, be present, screw your fears, move past them, curate your life, make it yours.
00:24:13.680 --> 00:24:16.240
Don't let life happen to you.
00:24:16.720 --> 00:24:18.720
Don't allow regrets to win.
00:24:19.200 --> 00:24:26.480
I want you to be at the end of your life and feel proud and in awe of how you lived it.
00:24:26.799 --> 00:24:35.680
Not an autopilot, not just doing whatever was easiest or most comfortable, but what actually matters with real impact.
00:24:36.480 --> 00:24:39.279
That's my wish for me and my wish for you.
00:24:39.519 --> 00:24:57.359
And if you want to wrap that up with a song that you could take away with the message that I just shared, which is one of my favorite songs that really gets me in my feels and reminds me that life is worth living, and not only life is worth living, but life is worth making your own and living the way you want to live it.
00:24:57.440 --> 00:25:00.960
And that's the song I lived by one republic.
00:25:01.440 --> 00:25:03.440
I swear I lived.
00:25:04.000 --> 00:25:24.880
So I hope that even though this episode maybe wasn't what you were expecting, um, I hope that if you are in a season, like I mentioned, whether it's difficult season, grief, loss, hardship, sickness, anything that you might be going through, I hope this episode can help you through that and I'd love to connect with you.
00:25:25.039 --> 00:25:28.160
Thank you so much, and I hope to see you at the next one.
00:25:30.799 --> 00:25:34.559
Thank you for listening to this week's episode of the There She Goes podcast.
00:25:34.720 --> 00:25:38.160
If this episode resonated with you, here's how you can be part of it.
00:25:38.319 --> 00:25:41.119
Subscribe, share it with a friend, or leave a review.
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00:25:48.079 --> 00:25:52.480
I created this podcast to connect with women on this journey, so please reach out.
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00:25:54.000 --> 00:25:58.079
DM me on Instagram at There SheGoesClub or reply to my emails.
00:25:58.240 --> 00:26:01.519
I can't wait to celebrate your own There She Goes moments.
00:26:01.680 --> 00:26:04.880
Until next Thursday, let's see where she goes next.
00:00:01.280 --> 00:00:03.680
Welcome to the There She Goes podcast.
00:00:03.839 --> 00:00:11.039
I'm your host, Grecia Ruiz, and I can't wait to dive into everyday stories where we find the magic in the mundane.
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This podcast is inspired by real stories, tiny steps, and brave women.
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For so long, I was looking for permission in songs, stories, and other people to trust myself, follow my dreams, and take the lead.
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If this podcast can be that tiny spark of permission for you, then here we go.
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How do you record a podcast episode when you're functioning through grief?
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How do you keep working when you're functioning through grief?
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How do you deal with the duality and the complexity of having moments and pockets of time where you're distracted, where you're having fun, you're laughing, you're relaxed, you're enjoying life, and then you go right back into feeling down, unsure of why maybe you're sad or what's going on, uh, difficulty processing, difficulty doing some basic tasks.
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That's been my life, honestly, for the past couple of weeks now, more than a couple of weeks, for the past few weeks now.
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And this is the first time I get back on the mic uh in a very long time.
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Any podcast episodes that I released prior, uh, every single one was recorded before this, I would say, season and period of grief began in my life, in this chapter in my life.
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This is not a topic that I find easy to cover.
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And to be honest, I actually think this is gonna be a very healing episode for me and and hopefully a very healing episode for others, especially if you're like me, that you tend to be known for being joyful, you tend to be known for being high energy, you tend to be known for um, you know, making people laugh, or uh just again, overall, I guess maybe being in a good mood or extroverted.
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And the thing is, like, we you know, we're human.
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We're not defined by a specific emotion, we're not defined by a specific circumstance.
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Like, yes, just because I might happen to be, for the most part, a more high-energy person, more dramatic, maybe more um performative.
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I love the performance aspect, the gestures, the hand movements, and you can see that throughout all my episodes.
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Um, but you know, I did not expect this to be the topic that I was gonna cover today.
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And frankly, I am not as comfortable talking about the hard aspects of life.
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I am way more comfortable talking about joy and celebration, and that's really what There She Goes is meant to be about.
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It's it is meant to be a joyful podcast and community, it's meant to be celebratory, right?
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But it also is meant to hold you through the different experiences that we go through as humans, right?
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Like it's the whole human experience, and I actually think this is a very important episode for me, not only to release what's going on in my life, but um because I'm not as comfortable talking about grief, loss, sadness, hardship.
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If you are in a season of grief, sadness, difficulty, loss, hardship, frankly, if you're even in a season of uncertainty, anxiety, instability, waiting, a waiting period, this one is for you because what I also want to talk about today, and then kind of the grief experience that I'm going through, is it's multifaceted.
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It's both related to events that are actively happening in my life now, but it's also about being in a waiting season filled with uncertainty, a lot of instability, navigating all of that and navigating the grief of the longing of something that hasn't arrived yet and may never will, you know.
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Technically, we don't know the future, right?
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So I just wanted to maybe like have some empathy and grace here.
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If you also happen to be going through a grief that maybe isn't a grief about something that happened or a loss that you are going through, maybe it's grief, grieving a life that you thought you would have, or grieving a waiting period, a waiting season.
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Um, because that's where I find myself today.
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So today actually is my 25th episode, and I'm really proud of that.
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That's a big deal for me, especially recording this, going through what I'm going through right now and just all the emotions that I'm going through.
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It's a big deal because it is hard for me to function through grief or hardship or anxiety or instability.
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It's hard.
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It's hard to stay consistent, and consistency does look different during this season.
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Uh, I've given myself a lot of grace and a lot of breaks, and I don't apologize for it at all.
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I don't even explain it actually.
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Um, I've just been taking the breaks when I need them, and I have been really taking care of myself, taking care of what's truly most important, like minimum viable product here.
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Like, what is the minimum thing that I have to take care of?
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Um, I think that's honestly the very first thing I want to mention when you know navigating a season of grief or loss or hardship or instability or change, like any hard season in your life, like you cannot expect yourself to function as if you were going through the most joyful period and super excitement and lots of opportunities and lots of fun times, right?
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You cannot function the same way, nor should you expect yourself to.
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So if you add guilt or shame um or the need to be productive on top of everything else, like you're just making your experience harder.
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And I've honestly learned that this really for me right now is very much a creative outlet.
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It is not currently making me any, you know, income.
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Hopefully, maybe in the future it will.
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I would love for this to become um uh a real, you know, sustaining business, not only the podcast, but really the community and the coming together uh of all of us coming together between both podcast, you know, guests or in in real life events and maybe some virtual events, whatever that looks like.
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So for my 25th episode, I had a very different uh plan um for this episode.
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I wanted it to be special.
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I'm I really like milestones.
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I love making meaning out of things, uh seeking patterns.
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And so for the 25th episode, I was actually originally going to talk about how it feels like to build two businesses at once.
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So both this business, I've already been very clear as of now, it is still very much a creative outlet.
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I'm still learning a lot from it.
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But the intention is that this is a business model, uh, ultimately.
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Um, and not only this business, but also Italy Brides, my destination wedding planning business.
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So that was originally what I was gonna talk about, but I think that number one, this topic took precedence.
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It's not what I expected, and I think that's exactly why I need to talk about it.
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And I just think it makes things way more real because grief comes to you when you least expect it.
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It's not going to be when, you know, it's perfectly planned.
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Nobody plans for grief, nobody plans for sadness or loss or hardship or any of that.
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Like you do not plan for these things.
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Life happens, and it's gonna happen to you when you least expect it.
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It's gonna happen to you, it's gonna, you know, shift your plans.
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So that's what this is.
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It this episode truly is about how how you navigate that season and function differently and kind of take life by the balls.
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I don't know how else to say that.
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Take the bull, take the bull by the horn and yeah, pivot.
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Pivot.
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So let me talk a little bit about what I'm going through and what I'm navigating specifically, just to give you a little bit of insight.
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And then I would love to share with you pretty much word for word, something that I wrote down as I was planning this episode.
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It's just something that was in my heart, and really it's the biggest takeaway from this episode that I hope um you take with you.
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So basically, the situation that I've been going through, I made a little reel about it, and I'm super, super appreciative and grateful for everybody that sent words of encouragement, um, sent a heart, sent some love, some support.
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It's been beautiful to see that.
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Basically, it's kind of twofold for me.
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So, my mother-in-law has been battling cancer for the past year and a half, and we have been dealing with that, the severity of the illness.
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We have been visiting as much as possible.
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So I live in California.
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My mother-in-law and my my sister-in-law and family live in Utah.
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So we visit them as much as possible.
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We've actually been trying to visit about once a month, and uh, so that's something that we've been doing as much as possible.
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I'm very grateful that my current job has allowed me the flexibility to do that.
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But a few weeks ago, um, my mother-in-law had been going in and out of the hospital significantly.
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So we started increasing the amount of time that we spent in Utah.
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Well, we came back from Utah.
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We were here for a whole week, and we were not expecting to get uh a letter from the ER from the emergency room.
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So the ER doctors that were helping her with that latest hospital run told us, unfortunately, and in the most matter-of-fact, insensitive way, via letter written down that she, in the current situation she was in, had at most two days to live.
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That like that is exactly what we were told.
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So you can imagine the stress, the immediate shock, the grief, the completely unplanned uh trip that we made out there.
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We both took a flight the same day, you know, made our way over there, took care of her, and as we saw her, yes, she was in a very critical condition.
00:10:10.639 --> 00:10:24.480
But after going to the doctor, going to the hospital a few times and stabilizing her and her levels, we realized that the diagnosis of, you know, the very, very harsh timeline expectation was obviously incorrect.
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So, yes, she's in a critical condition.
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I don't think they had all the information that they needed because this was just the ER.
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This was not her cancer specialist, this was not her care team.
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So I don't think they had all the information they needed.
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But you can imagine the toll that it took on the entire family.
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So it ever since then, we've been pretty much on edge, right?
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So not knowing what's gonna happen, not knowing how her health is doing, not knowing how long we have with her.
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So it has been a process, a big process of grieving and taking things one day at a time and really being on high alert, on edge of any little symptom, any little condition, anything to make sure that she's doing all right.
00:11:08.799 --> 00:11:11.200
So that was a big toll on us.
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And I want to talk about the complexity as well of going through a situation like this while other aspects of your life are still going on.
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So at the same time that this is occurring, my mom's 60th birthday was coming up.
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We already had a trip not only planned and paid for for Cancun, it was coming up in a week.
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So again, I'm living one day at a time, not even knowing if we're gonna have to just lose the trip.
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Not only the the trip and the the money we we spent on the trip, but of course the the hope that we had to all come together as a family and and really celebrate my mom.
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Thankfully, my mother-in-law ended up feeling so much better and she turned things around by the end of our time with her.
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Um, she had family members, you know, fly in or drive in and spend weeks on end with her while we went to Cancun.
00:12:03.039 --> 00:12:06.879
So the complexity of the emotions there is that, you know, two things can be true at once.
00:12:06.960 --> 00:12:16.639
You could be, and in my case, I was grieving and very sad and very invested in what's going on with my mother-in-law, with my husband, with my all of my in-laws.
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At the same time, I'm excited to celebrate my mom's 60th birthday.
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I'm excited to be with my family.
00:12:22.639 --> 00:12:26.320
I'm excited to be relaxed in a tanning in a beach vacation.
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So we did the beach vacation and it was everything I could have hoped for.
00:12:29.759 --> 00:12:33.200
Seriously, we like left our worries at the door.
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We partied, we drank.
00:12:35.679 --> 00:12:37.600
It was really fun as a family.
00:12:37.679 --> 00:12:42.159
Like, I've never partied with my family like this, and I don't usually party this much.
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Um, but I had the best time.
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We had the absolute best time.
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We were so relaxed, completely and utterly detached from what was going on.
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It really felt like a bubble.
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But as soon as I came back, uh, and as soon as I started going back into the rhythms of my regular routine, I started dropping again.
00:13:01.039 --> 00:13:02.480
My emotions started dropping.
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I started falling back into worries.
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I've started falling back into what's going on, right?
00:13:09.279 --> 00:13:14.000
So that's the complexity of the human condition of the human experience.
00:13:14.159 --> 00:13:26.000
Um, I think it's important that we don't guilt ourselves for feeling that, like for feeling joy and for feeling pockets of joy and laughter while you're going through a loss or while you're going through grief, because it's perfectly normal.
00:13:26.159 --> 00:13:29.279
We we are not just, we don't have just one emotion at a time.
00:13:29.440 --> 00:13:34.799
And I think the perfect example of this for you, Disney lovers like me, is in is the movie Inside Out, right?
00:13:34.879 --> 00:13:36.879
It's like that's the biggest lesson of the movie.
00:13:37.120 --> 00:13:40.879
We are very complex and and negatives and feelings are not negative or positive.
00:13:41.039 --> 00:13:45.039
Like you could literally have the same exact experience be bittersweet.
00:13:45.120 --> 00:13:47.200
It could be both joyful and sad.
00:13:47.440 --> 00:13:58.000
And actually, the sadness, and that was a big lesson towards the end of the core memories, the sadness led to um the you know, the main character being comforted by her family, which led to joy.
00:13:58.240 --> 00:14:06.399
So I just want to mention again, there's a complexity, and you know, I I think it's important that we do live out the full range of the human experience.
00:14:06.559 --> 00:14:10.480
Um, we we wouldn't know what happiness is without the alternative, right?
00:14:10.639 --> 00:14:11.600
Without sadness.
00:14:12.240 --> 00:14:14.480
So that's the main thing that was occurring.
00:14:14.639 --> 00:14:31.039
Um the other thing that I would say is occurring in my life right now that's also causing uh grief is that I've been attempting to become a mom and expand our family for the past two years now, a little over two years now.
00:14:31.440 --> 00:14:34.799
And it's a whole journey, and that could be a whole nother episode.
00:14:34.960 --> 00:14:52.960
Um, but there's a very real longing there and a very real grief of being in a waiting season, not knowing, you know, if all the efforts that I'm putting in are going to result in that pregnancy that I'm hoping for.
00:14:53.120 --> 00:15:02.240
Um I'm still very much still doing tests, still trying to make sure that my body is functioning, you know, properly and can handle that pregnancy.
00:15:02.399 --> 00:15:04.639
Like, we're still looking at a bunch of options.
00:15:04.720 --> 00:15:06.720
Um, and again, I'm I'm happy to share that.
00:15:06.799 --> 00:15:08.240
Um pretty much an open book.
00:15:08.320 --> 00:15:11.279
I think I will be sharing my fertility journey in another episode.
00:15:11.360 --> 00:15:21.120
Um, but just for awareness, like that is the other piece, and it's a very real piece and a very real component of the grief that I'm feeling lately of what's keeping me down.
00:15:21.279 --> 00:15:28.639
And it makes sense that it's coming up at a time where, you know, my mother-in-law is sick and facing a severe illness.
00:15:28.720 --> 00:15:34.320
Um, I mean, she herself has actually commented how, you know, when am I gonna get to meet these grandkids?
00:15:34.480 --> 00:15:50.320
So it makes it more real, more vivid when I think, you know, one of your parental figures here is going through this tough time, and you want to think about the you know, the future generation and making sure that they get to meet their grandparents.
00:15:50.559 --> 00:15:54.240
So it's been a season of grief for me, is the point.
00:15:54.720 --> 00:15:56.320
And it hasn't been easy.
00:15:56.480 --> 00:15:58.480
And I haven't been posting as much.
00:15:58.559 --> 00:16:02.399
And again, I just want to reiterate I am not guilty about it.
00:16:02.480 --> 00:16:03.840
I'm not apologizing for it.
00:16:03.919 --> 00:16:21.600
And I just really want you to hear that if you are going through that season, take care of you, take care of you, be present, take care of the most minimal viable product, what is the most basic things you need to take care of, like eating, like sleeping, like bathing.
00:16:21.759 --> 00:16:24.159
Like if I don't have kids yet, we just talked about that.
00:16:24.240 --> 00:16:30.320
But if I had kids, like, you know, making sure that they're eating, that they're having their routines, like really just taking care of basics.
00:16:30.399 --> 00:16:36.159
And even at work, like to be honest, I am just taking care of what is the critical priorities at work.
00:16:36.320 --> 00:16:37.759
Anything else has got to go.
00:16:37.919 --> 00:16:40.480
Anything else, I I don't have the bandwidth for.
00:16:40.799 --> 00:16:45.759
So I'm obviously in a situation where, hey, I finally took some time.
00:16:45.919 --> 00:16:51.679
Not only did I take some amazing distractions, an amazing time with my family, both in Cancun.
00:16:52.159 --> 00:16:55.679
Just yesterday, I celebrated my sister-in-law's birthday.
00:16:55.759 --> 00:17:00.720
Um, from so on my brother, on my brother's side, and we had a we had a great time.
00:17:00.799 --> 00:17:07.759
We went on a boat, we also partied again, and again, I just found myself like fully invested in the joy.
00:17:07.839 --> 00:17:08.960
You could see it in my stories.
00:17:09.119 --> 00:17:09.920
It's not a lie.
00:17:10.079 --> 00:17:16.720
I'm at that moment, I'm feeling so much joy, so much like soul fulfillment.
00:17:16.880 --> 00:17:18.960
Like it was filling my soul in the way I needed.
00:17:19.119 --> 00:17:23.599
But then the very the very next day after I'm alone, I start feeling all the feelings again.
00:17:23.839 --> 00:17:27.039
So today I purposely took a day.
00:17:27.119 --> 00:17:28.640
Thankfully, I've actually been home alone.
00:17:28.799 --> 00:17:37.920
So I took the day to reset, to do some laundry slowly, listen to an audiobook, eat, take a shower.
00:17:38.160 --> 00:17:39.119
It's super hot.
00:17:39.200 --> 00:17:40.799
We're going through a heat wave right now.
00:17:40.960 --> 00:17:46.720
So um also try to stay away from the heat uh with all my fans because our AC is broken.
00:17:46.799 --> 00:17:48.000
It's it's insane.
00:17:48.400 --> 00:17:53.039
And um and that's why I finally had the band of life to talk to you all today.
00:17:53.200 --> 00:17:55.839
Because I finally took some time enough time for myself.
00:17:56.079 --> 00:17:57.599
And I didn't want to put a limit on it.
00:17:57.680 --> 00:18:00.480
I'm like, look, if I don't put out an episode, I don't put out an episode.
00:18:00.559 --> 00:18:03.279
And if I can't put out an episode next week, I I can't.
00:18:03.440 --> 00:18:04.480
I don't want to force it.
00:18:04.640 --> 00:18:08.240
I want this to continue to be what it is, something that I really enjoy.
00:18:08.559 --> 00:18:16.319
And hopefully messages that are important and are valuable for not only myself, but for anybody that's listening.
00:18:16.799 --> 00:18:24.400
And one final thing before I mention the, like I said, the thing I wanted to read out to you as the takeaways for this episode.
00:18:24.640 --> 00:18:37.920
But during the Disney walk that I got to put on together with Tracy from One Small Step Walks, that walk, that community event was so amazing for me.
00:18:38.160 --> 00:18:41.200
It was right before, literally right before all of this.
00:18:41.279 --> 00:18:46.799
I'm talking like two, two days before everything started spiraling.
00:18:47.039 --> 00:18:48.720
So I'm so grateful for that.
00:18:48.799 --> 00:18:52.799
And I think it's crazy that that happened to happen right before all of this.
00:18:53.039 --> 00:19:07.920
I, in a way, I felt like it was preparing me for what was to come because during that event, again, I'm much more comfortable with joy, celebration, fun, loud, big energy, hugs, like just so much love.
00:19:08.559 --> 00:19:16.720
But at that event, I what I was not expecting, because that is not something that I handle well, was that we were gonna have a conversation about grief.
00:19:16.880 --> 00:19:19.039
Like, yo, like I can't make this up.
00:19:19.200 --> 00:19:20.000
I'm like, what?
00:19:20.240 --> 00:19:24.960
And of course, retrospectively, I can see that and be like, that was preparing me for this.
00:19:25.200 --> 00:19:39.920
So we were sitting at lunch after having our, you know, morning of getting to meet each other and everybody being a little nervous about meeting new people and then getting to know each other and going on a fruit rise and then starting to smile, starting to laugh, starting to chat, like things are starting to flow.
00:19:40.079 --> 00:19:51.759
Then during lunch, I wasn't expecting that one of the attendees um had just been, you know, recently dealing with just a lot of grief from multiple deaths of loved ones in her family.
00:19:52.000 --> 00:19:53.680
And so she started mentioning that.
00:19:53.759 --> 00:20:00.640
And I immediately, my my mind went into like, what can I do to help, or or how do I navigate this situation?
00:20:00.799 --> 00:20:02.880
So that is what typically goes on in my head.
00:20:03.039 --> 00:20:05.200
Um, I'm gonna just be very vulnerable and open.
00:20:05.279 --> 00:20:27.039
Uh uh when somebody, when I know that there is a loss or grief and someone is going through that, I immediately get uncomfortable in the sense that I feel like somehow it's my responsibility to say the wrong the right thing, or to not say the wrong thing and anger anger the person or make the person feel even worse, or not just say the normal platitudes and the normal comfort things that everybody says.
00:20:27.200 --> 00:20:29.200
And I really get anxious.
00:20:29.440 --> 00:20:38.799
Not because of the situation, not because I can't handle or don't want to, not because I'm not empathetic, not because I'm not loving, and not because I don't want to comfort the person.
00:20:38.880 --> 00:20:47.519
It's actually 100% anxiety about my reaction and how well I can support someone through a difficult time.
00:20:47.759 --> 00:20:56.400
And what I've come to realize based on that lunch and based on what's been going on lately is that that's not my responsibility.
00:20:56.720 --> 00:21:04.160
And literally nothing I can do or say is going to actually fix the situation or completely stop the grief.
00:21:04.319 --> 00:21:05.680
Like that is not gonna happen.
00:21:05.920 --> 00:21:17.119
So during the lunch, what did end up happening without me saying a word, because we were in community, another person spoke up and said, I've been dealing with grief for a few years too, with the death of one of my loved ones.
00:21:17.279 --> 00:21:22.559
So all of a sudden, people started connecting in a in a much more intimate way.
00:21:22.799 --> 00:21:28.000
And post-lunch, thanks to that conversation, that was hard and it was about grief.
00:21:28.079 --> 00:21:31.200
It was not happy go lucky butterflies, we're at Disney, you would think.
00:21:31.359 --> 00:21:35.359
No, it was a tough conversation about the realness of life.
00:21:35.599 --> 00:21:38.640
It bonded us way more than I could have ever expected.
00:21:38.880 --> 00:21:44.559
And we were it was just like the bonding after lunch and going on the rise after that.
00:21:44.720 --> 00:21:47.039
It felt like we've known each other for a very long time.
00:21:47.279 --> 00:21:50.640
So that's why this is a very important topic because it does bond us.
00:21:50.799 --> 00:21:55.680
Uh, I think it bonds hard things bond us more than than easy seasons.
00:21:55.920 --> 00:21:59.759
And so, what I learned through that experience and through the experience of me starting.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:16.319
To talk about it and post about it is now that I'm seeing the messages that I've received, it could seriously be as simple as literally a heart comment on my reel, all the way to sending me, you know, five-minute audio message about just how much somebody loves me and supporting me.
00:22:16.400 --> 00:22:22.400
I realized that it I didn't care, nor am I looking for anyone to solve my situation.
00:22:22.880 --> 00:22:38.079
But the simple act of showing up, the simple act of showing empathy, the simple act of people saying, Hey, I'm here if you ever need me, hey, I'm here if you want to talk, it showered me with love and support and helped me carry the load and made it easier on me.
00:22:38.240 --> 00:22:52.160
So it's just my encouragement to you and to myself that if you're going through a moment or if you struggle with this too, and you think I have to have the right thing to say or I don't know how to handle the situation, like it's not about you and it's not about having the right words to say.
00:22:52.319 --> 00:22:54.319
It's not going to magically fix the situation.
00:22:54.480 --> 00:23:01.759
It is simply the act of showing solidarity and showing that you care in whatever way that looks to you.
00:23:01.920 --> 00:23:02.880
It really is that simple.
00:23:03.039 --> 00:23:09.039
So it's just a reminder for those of you who may be not experiencing grief but want to support somebody who is.
00:23:09.279 --> 00:23:17.759
Um, there is comfort in remembering that there are people that want to hold you and you don't really don't need to have the right words for that.
00:23:18.559 --> 00:23:28.880
So I want to wrap this up by saying, just kind of reading out to you what I hope you take away from this episode and what I took away from this season.
00:23:28.960 --> 00:23:30.880
So I'm gonna read this word for word.
00:23:31.519 --> 00:23:35.599
I wrote, My heart is just bleeding out grief today.
00:23:36.000 --> 00:23:40.480
I'm living out the full range of the human experience, and that makes me happy.
00:23:40.640 --> 00:23:50.160
That brings me joy because I know I am fully and deeply living every emotion, every experience, every depth this life has to offer.
00:23:50.400 --> 00:23:52.400
And that's what I want for my life.
00:23:52.720 --> 00:24:00.240
We get one life, and it's short, and we're not guaranteed how long we'll be here.
00:24:00.640 --> 00:24:02.240
It could be less than you think.
00:24:02.400 --> 00:24:12.640
So live it fully, be present, screw your fears, move past them, curate your life, make it yours.
00:24:13.680 --> 00:24:16.240
Don't let life happen to you.
00:24:16.720 --> 00:24:18.720
Don't allow regrets to win.
00:24:19.200 --> 00:24:26.480
I want you to be at the end of your life and feel proud and in awe of how you lived it.
00:24:26.799 --> 00:24:35.680
Not an autopilot, not just doing whatever was easiest or most comfortable, but what actually matters with real impact.
00:24:36.480 --> 00:24:39.279
That's my wish for me and my wish for you.
00:24:39.519 --> 00:24:57.359
And if you want to wrap that up with a song that you could take away with the message that I just shared, which is one of my favorite songs that really gets me in my feels and reminds me that life is worth living, and not only life is worth living, but life is worth making your own and living the way you want to live it.
00:24:57.440 --> 00:25:00.960
And that's the song I lived by one republic.
00:25:01.440 --> 00:25:03.440
I swear I lived.
00:25:04.000 --> 00:25:24.880
So I hope that even though this episode maybe wasn't what you were expecting, um, I hope that if you are in a season, like I mentioned, whether it's difficult season, grief, loss, hardship, sickness, anything that you might be going through, I hope this episode can help you through that and I'd love to connect with you.
00:25:25.039 --> 00:25:28.160
Thank you so much, and I hope to see you at the next one.
00:25:30.799 --> 00:25:34.559
Thank you for listening to this week's episode of the There She Goes podcast.
00:25:34.720 --> 00:25:38.160
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00:26:01.680 --> 00:26:04.880
Until next Thursday, let's see where she goes next.
