WEBVTT
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Good evening, it's Mary from the Singles Oasis.
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Welcome to season two, episode four of Navigating Singleness in 2026.
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Single Again, part two.
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The Singles Oasis is a refuge and gathering place for singles.
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Here, singles will receive biblical wisdom and wise counsel, which will help them in their walk with Christ.
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Where there is no counsel, the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors, there is safety.
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That comes from Proverbs 11 and 14.
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I'm so, so, so excited to continue part two of our segment.
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I'm even more excited that my special guest, Dr.
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Sharon Elliott, can join us again tonight.
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Dr.
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Sharon, thank you so much for taking it to part two.
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This is a segment specifically dedicated to our widows.
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This is actually part two.
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So if you missed our segment from two weeks ago, go ahead and check out Single Again Part One.
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We talked about some great things.
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We talked about how widows are targeted, specifically how widows are targeted for their vulnerability, how they may be subject to scammers, romance schemes, and so forth, and ways in which widows can identify whether they're being catfished, how they can identify as to whether the person they're talking to is actually real.
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I am still tickled about your newspaper trick.
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I'm definitely going to incorporate that in my writing somewhere.
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Do not worry.
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I'm still gonna give you credit for that.
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Just in case you missed that first segment.
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If you're ever talking to someone and they're located in another state, Dr.
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Sharon said, ask them to give you, show you a picture of their current newspaper and they need to show it to you expeditiously.
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Not a week later, not the next day.
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No, they need to send it to you that same day because if they can't produce a local paper from their area, which will stole it, show their state or their city, that lets you know the person is lying to you.
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Yeah, just hold it up.
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They can go to a 7-Eleven, get a local paper, hold it up so you can see the city and the date and their face at the same time.
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Yes, I love it.
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I love it.
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We all talked about ways in which our community can really minister to widows when Dr.
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Sharon previously shared when it was going to be her first Christmas alone.
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I believe it was the Advanced Writers and Speakers Association actually sent you gifts to put under your tree because ordinarily you and your late husband would share gifts.
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You gave each other on Christmas morning.
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They blessed her with an abundance of gifts so she'd have gifts under her tree.
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We talked about, you know, just the importance of journaling as well and just helping helping you in terms of that grief journey.
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And there was a few things I wanted to back up and and kind of talk about in terms of that grief journey before we get into some of the juicy questions, because we got some juicy questions.
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Here at the Singles Oasis, you know, there we're not a tiptoe type of podcast.
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We jump right in the mud.
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We know, Dr.
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Sharon, that you were previously married for 21 years, and you've been a widow now for a little over three years.
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Something else you brought up that was very important in our last segment is that as singles, because all of us are singles from excuse me, different walks of life, and we have to be careful with empty words and cliches and things of that sort.
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Because naturally, the first thing we say to someone that may be grieving is that you know, we're definitely gonna pray for you, pray for your family, whatever the situation is.
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That part is fine, but we have to be careful with saying we understand, because if you have not been in that situation, you don't understand it.
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We all may understand what the grief process looks like because all of us may have lost someone that's close to us, but in terms of losing a spouse, that's a different type of season, yes.
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Every every type of grief is different, and the person who yes, you understand that someone is hurt, yes, you understand that someone is missing that person, right?
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But you don't understand if you've never lost a child, you don't know what that's like, right?
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You can imagine, but you don't know in your heart what that's like unless you have lost a child, right?
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Don't say to someone, I know how you feel, if you have not had that same experience, right?
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You can say, you know, I feel, you know, I I feel for you, right?
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I feel for your loss, but don't make it about you.
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My husband had one of his daughters had died as an adult.
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It was after he and I had gotten married, and someone said to him, Oh man, I know how you feel.
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And no, they didn't, you know, they had not never lost a child, and that's the one time during all of that that my husband really just lost it.
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He had to go back and really apologize to the to the man, but um, yeah, be very, very careful.
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Um, here's another one not to say, and I've actually had people say this to me.
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Well, at least you had somebody that wait, excuse me.
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Oh that's awful.
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That's that's that's not that's not at least you had at least you had a husband that loved you, and especially you know who I hear this from people who women who had never been married.
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Wow, and that's that's coming from their hurt.
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That's not that's not about my hurt, you know, that's their hurt.
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That's just like when somebody comes to you and says something that's going on and you do a oh, I could, oh, but I can beat that, yeah.
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You know, type of deal, or again, you mentioned a minute ago, it's basically flipping it to where it's inward, it's it's focusing on them, right?
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Right.
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And so yeah, please don't, yeah, please don't do that.
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That actually brings up a this that brings up another question.
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Since we're talking about, you know, really what not to say, you know, to widows, is there anything else we should avoid saying?
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And then once we cover that, can we maybe talk about okay, what should we say to a widow?
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This like I said, this is a different season for a lot of people, and for you know, ministry leaders, especially if they have not personally experienced it or known anybody that's personally experienced it, they may not know how to help widow.
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Right, right.
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Another one not to say is well, you're gonna be back together in heaven, you know, and I really want to come back with, but I want him here now.
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That's the point.
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I can never flesh, right?
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I'm not trying to, you know, because I'm not in a rush to get to heaven, right?
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And it would sound like you would want me to well, go ahead, you know, go ahead and be with him, because you want that so bad, you know, whatever.
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Come on now, yeah.
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What what you can say if if it's about me, if your comment is about me and my hurt, what you can say is because we love to talk about our husband.
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Okay, you can either ask me, you know, well, what's one of the great things, you know, that you remember about James, or you know, just you don't even have to say anything.
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Sometimes I just need a hook.
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Do you realize nobody's hugging me right now?
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I don't have anybody to hug me.
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I don't have anybody, you know, to at the end of my day, I don't have anybody to talk to.
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Okay, don't think about like this.
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Is this why you know I'm asking such a raw question because we don't think about these things or we take these things for granted.
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Not all singles live alone, some have roommates, right?
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Some live with their best friends, and some live with family.
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They're actually gonna receive those hugs, those communications, the opportunities to communicate.
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What do you call it?
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Physical touch is their love language, they're they're receiving that.
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Singles that, of course, that are plugged in, you know, to a church also may receive hugs there, but that's different when you're used to living home with your spouse and receiving that affection.
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And that actually breaks my heart to hear that.
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Because one night I was scrolling on Instagram and I remember seeing several posts where singles, I don't necessarily know if they've ever been married or not, but many of them were saying the same thing.
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They said, Nobody's hugged me.
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They said, I haven't had a hug in months, I haven't seen my family in months because they live all the way on the other side of the country, right?
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It could be you know a lot of things.
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Like I have I have two sons, grown sons, who have lives, and I raised them to have lives because they were not gonna be grown and living under me, right?
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They were two black men in America, they needed to be able to function, right?
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And they do, and they're beautiful citizens, you know, and all that.
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One has a family, has a wife, three kids, and a mortgage.
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Now, however, they don't call me, they don't call me a lot, they call me now and then, right?
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But they're they've got their own lives, right?
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My friends who have grown daughters, the daughters feel like they're a little closer.
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I just know one man who he calls he's single and he calls his mother every day.
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Okay, he's her only son, all of that, but I don't need to be called every day, I just it needs to be regular.
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I put one of my nieces on the case, right?
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Because I said, somebody needs to know I am still alive in this house.
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Okay, but it makes sense.
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That makes sense because how many stories do we hear or things on the news where someone was in their house and nobody knew that they were in distress and didn't find out about it for late days because no one checked on them.
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That's a good point to bring out is that if even if you're not related to that widow and you've developed a good rapport with that widow, contact them, even if it's once a week.
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It doesn't even have to be a long phone call, 15-20 minutes, just check in and see how you're doing.
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Do you need anything something of that sort?
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Because it means a lot to people to know that you're thinking about them because it's those you care about them.
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And you know, I'm I'm starting to connect those people to each other.
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If my niece doesn't get through to me, she needs to call my boys, which was nothing I needed to think about while James was here, right?
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I don't know if I said it on the last show, but the issue, and I try to face my own issues and realize what they are, and at least acknowledge what they are, right?
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I am nobody's person.
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There is not a particular person, you know, who exists.
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Like for me, James existed for me, I existed for him.
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You know, we were in a marriage, that's what it's supposed to be.
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We were one, right?
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There was never a time when I would call his phone and he wouldn't answer me, no matter what he was doing, right?
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And vice versa.
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And so right now, that person in the universe does not exist for me, and that's hard.
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It's something that I have to obviously deal with, but I am expressing it.
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I am saying that is what it is.
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I am nobody's person, you know, my dear widow lady friends is what can trip you up and rush you into relationships that you shouldn't be in.
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Right?
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I know whereof I speak.
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Okay, I'm gonna deviate a little bit.
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I have not covered any dating segments as of yet, but they are forthcoming.
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I'm gonna do them a little bit later in the season.
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She mentioned some relationships, especially getting into relationships prematurely.
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We need to be led by the Holy Spirit, and the Lord will tell us when we are ready.
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But how will how would a widow know when he or she is ready to date again?
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Number one is like I'm saying, recognize how you feel and acknowledge it, and then you could set up guardrails if you don't recognize that you're in a race car, for example, you could be going over the speed limit and not realize the power of the car you're in.
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By the same token, I recognize that I am not a loner, I am better in a relationship.
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Those are like the guardrails or what have you.
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Since I know that about myself, I need to be careful to realize that I need to really pay attention to my preferences, to what I would let go by as an excuse when otherwise I wouldn't.
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Like I wouldn't, I'm I'm not taking that like my husband.
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Although we were husband and wife, he would never be allowed to disrespect me.
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We would have words if that's something that I felt was coming up.
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Well, why would I accept that from someone else just because I'm lonely?
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See, just because I'm not a loner, I'm like, okay, um, you know, okay, that's a that's not that bad.
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No, no, right?
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I've gotta be sure that I'm gonna stick to my guns because I'm realizing what my vulnerability is.
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That's probably a better way to say it, right?
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Basically recognize or acknowledge how you feel, and then set up your guardrails.
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Really, more importantly, you just mentioned it a minute ago, is that you need to know what your vulnerabilities are, those are basically your blind sides.
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Yes, let's say if your vulnerability is a really deep voice, so then when he shows up with that really deep voice, you'd be like, hold it.
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Right, because someone with the someone with a higher voice can say the same things, and you'd be like, get out of the way.
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But just because he said it with a deep voice, if you know that's your vulnerability, then you need to be like, Oh, hold it.
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You know, am I gonna allow that?
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Perhaps you really would love to be with someone who is a Christian and they're in church with you.
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That really matters to you, it would matter to you down the line, right?
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Right, but then you meet, you know, Rico, and Rico don't go to church regularly, but you know, he seems to be okay, and he may even read his Bible.
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He reads his Bible, but he doesn't go to church.
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Hmm.
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If going to church and worshiping together, you know that that's a thing that's important, then Rico can't get away with just reading his Bible.
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You know, knowing who you are, knowing who you who you're desiring for the long haul, that's important.
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It's in those things are important for you to know.
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Oh, you're just being picky, uh-huh.
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Yeah, because this is my life.
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I really want us as singles in general to keep in mind that when we talk about these guardrails, when we talk about these boundaries, for one, they're in place to help you weed out whom the Lord has not sent you or who you should not be connected to.
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Because let's be honest, there's some people that have made it past the gate when they shouldn't even made it past hello.
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Because had we really stayed within those guardrails, stuck to those boundaries, right?
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We wouldn't have been in that situation.
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Like you probably have seen on some of my Facebook posts, singles can date without compromise.
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Because when the minute you start disregarding and setting those boundaries aside, going outside those guardrails, you're opening the door to compromise, right?
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And you will take the next step.
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Don't say you won't, you will, you just will, okay.
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Okay, all right, let's talk about make it making the next step.
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Let's step into this next question.
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You were married for 21 years, that means you were intimate for 21 years.
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All 21, thank you.
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Okay, all these 21 years, as you should be, right?
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Keeping the married bed undefiled.
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That's right, okay, and rendering due benevolence to one another.
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I mean, the word has designed marriage.
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Uh, that's the way in which people can be intimate with one another.
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That's right.
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That's how God planned it.
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Yes, with that being said, you know where I'm going, Doc.
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You know where I'm getting ready to do?
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I know where you're going, but I'm gonna let you, I'm not gonna let you off the hook being uncomfortable.
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Go ahead and say that.
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Okay, widows are used to being intimate, and now they're a widow.
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How in the world do they deal with not having sex?
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I know that is hard, okay?
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That is not easy.
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You have to really change, I had to change my mindset.
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Okay, so at first, now this this might sound strange, but at first it wasn't difficult because the pain of just not having James there was like, I don't even want to think about you know anything that has to do with any kind of relationship.
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I don't want to think about anything because it everything is painful.
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But you start to come out of that valley, and it is a valley of the shadow of death, and so death does pass by.
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But we have to realize that a valley only exists because there are more peaks to reach.
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There are peaks all around any valley.
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And if you do what the psalm says, walk through, you keep walking.
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If you keep walking, you're going to be elevating.
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You're going to be going up to another peak.
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Right?
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What does get widows stuck is walking in a circle?
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We're not supposed to walk in circles.
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As we go through life, we walk in a line.
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See, we should not be uh repeating and repeating and repeating, we should be walking in a line, and that line has to do with growth, right?
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We're constantly growing in the Lord, we're constantly moving forward.
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If you move forward through a valley, you will be climbing eventually, and climbing takes you up to peaks, and then we know that on the tops of peaks, many times they're beautiful meadows, there's all kinds of wonderful things.
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So great.
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You keep walking as you are recovering from that season, all the things that you are as a woman are gonna come back, and just like just like searching for those hugs, you know, we long again for intimacy, right?
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And if you long again for intimacy, you're gonna have to deal with it the same way you dealt with it when you were in your 20s before you met him, you know, or however old you were before you met your husband, you are back at that same, you know, type of space, only now you have all this practice behind you, okay.
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Oh, and now, and so it's difficult.
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There's only one reason that you're not going to fall into temptation, and that's because you want to please the Lord.
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There is no other reason, okay.
00:24:19.839 --> 00:24:46.960
You can get into oh, yeah, you know, it's too dangerous out there, you gotta, you know, but there's safe sex options, and then more and more is interesting, more gentlemen I meet who have bought the notion, and it's not just the notion, let me back that up, but have bought the belief that you have to test the waters, yeah, or test drive before you buy.
00:24:47.519 --> 00:24:56.319
Yeah, that's the analogy they like to use is that you test the waters, you gotta test drive it before you buy it or before you commit, right?
00:24:56.880 --> 00:25:11.599
And all that you need to do, you do really need to discuss honestly with each other, you know, but just like when you were younger is the same as when you're older.
00:25:11.920 --> 00:25:17.599
That's a lie from the pit of hell for you for you to send.
00:25:18.240 --> 00:25:45.759
Okay, there is enough that you can talk about and be honest with each other, okay, to know that okay, this is gonna work, and you know enough too about being close, you know, if it's when you're kissing and hugging, that kind of stuff, you can tell, you know, if your style is gonna work with each other when it comes to you know full intimacy.
00:25:46.160 --> 00:26:10.720
So yeah, no, you know, because it becomes the same with women, especially getting older, you know, because I want to know, well, brother, you know, you need to tell me something about your ability.
00:26:12.720 --> 00:26:17.039
Oh I won't I won't say it.
00:26:17.119 --> 00:26:19.119
I'm gonna go ahead and say it.
00:26:19.279 --> 00:26:26.640
Just because we need to know if the equipment is is still still standing attention.
00:26:26.880 --> 00:26:27.839
Bear with us, y'all.
00:26:28.160 --> 00:26:28.640
Bear with us.
00:26:28.799 --> 00:26:33.119
We get to cackling a little bit, and then all of a sudden, you know, just the stuff that wanna act right.
00:26:33.200 --> 00:26:45.200
But what we were saying though, but seriously, in in dating, especially widows that are that are dating, because there's some instances where there may be two divorcees where one divorcee suddenly finds himself.
00:26:45.279 --> 00:26:52.240
Um you may have two divorcees that are considering dating, or you may have two widows that are considering dating, vice versa.
00:26:52.319 --> 00:26:54.720
But these are honest questions that you have to ask.
00:26:55.039 --> 00:26:58.240
You're gonna want to know in terms of intimacy.
00:26:58.400 --> 00:27:01.680
You may want to have those questions about frequency, but what are you like?
00:27:01.759 --> 00:27:03.200
What's your expectations?
00:27:03.359 --> 00:27:04.640
But yes, you do need to be able to do that.
00:27:04.799 --> 00:27:26.559
And those are right, and those are totally the conversations that you need to be comfortable to have, and it's you know, no shame about asking them, and especially when you get to be my age, because there's all kinds of different health issues.
00:27:26.880 --> 00:27:27.839
Yes, yes.
00:27:28.079 --> 00:27:50.559
I consider myself a young 69, I don't have the kinds of health issues that other people at 69 and 70, they're like walking on canes and all kinds of things when that is not my health situation, right?
00:27:51.359 --> 00:28:04.400
Even whatever age you're at, you're also wanting to date someone who is in your same health bracket, if that's such a thing.
00:28:05.440 --> 00:28:12.559
So those questions are fair, you know, they're fair to ask.
00:28:13.039 --> 00:28:21.839
And it's okay if somebody is healthier and they have more stamina than you have at this point, you would just be frustrated.
00:28:22.160 --> 00:28:25.279
And those questions, like I said, those questions are fair.
00:28:28.880 --> 00:28:41.920
Let me back up and ask this because I know we're talking about the struggle with widows being single and the struggle to avoid having sex outside of marriage, avoiding the sexual immorality.
00:28:42.240 --> 00:28:45.839
But when is the actual appropriate time to ask these questions?
00:28:46.000 --> 00:28:51.599
Of course, you're not going to ask this question on the first date, but is it when you're considering an engagement?
00:28:51.759 --> 00:28:53.599
Like when is it appropriate?
00:28:53.680 --> 00:29:08.160
Because what my concern would be for my singles that are listening, whether they're widows or not, when you broach that situation, you don't want to open the door to temptation by having these types of conversations, right?
00:29:08.640 --> 00:29:15.200
And I would say that that is obviously gonna vary with every person.
00:29:16.480 --> 00:29:19.759
We were talking before the program started.
00:29:19.920 --> 00:29:36.480
Let's say if you're on a dating site, um there's one site that it lets you say whether you're interested in a long-term relationship or if you're interested in just being friends or just chatting or whatever.
00:29:36.640 --> 00:29:51.200
If you're just chatting and being friends, that never has come up because there's no such thing as friends with benefits for me, right?
00:29:52.240 --> 00:29:54.400
And so you just want to chat, okay.
00:29:54.559 --> 00:30:43.440
We're gonna talk about each other's kids and the jobs that we did or the jobs that we're doing now, and how we like to go to this kind of movie and that kind of restaurant, and what's going on in the political scene, or whatever, because there's not going to be a sexual component to that relationship, but as you get closer, if the relationship starts turning to be a more romantic, then yeah, you have to start having those conversations, and the earlier the better, when there's a romantic anything involved, then you need to know.
00:30:43.519 --> 00:30:57.519
Like, let's say the gentleman, you and the gentleman are just talking and you enjoy talking to each other, you laugh, but then when he sends you texts, he uses pet names for you.
00:30:58.720 --> 00:31:00.559
That's the time when you stop him.
00:31:01.359 --> 00:31:02.160
Hold it.
00:31:03.279 --> 00:31:24.559
You said you just wanted to be friends, and I'm not baby or sugar or any of those things because those words stir up in me that I'm thinking you're saying you want to move further than a friendship.
00:31:24.720 --> 00:31:27.119
That's what those words mean to me.
00:31:27.519 --> 00:31:39.200
I need you to stop using those words unless they mean that you are wanting to take this relationship to a romantic level.
00:31:39.359 --> 00:31:49.119
And if so, I need you to just say that, and then we can talk about what happens next.
00:31:50.720 --> 00:32:05.359
But if indeed you just want this to be a friendly relationship, then you need to keep the texts as friends, that kind of conversation.
00:32:06.559 --> 00:32:19.599
I want to make sure we still stay in the parameters of what God has said according to his word, because again, we don't want to have sex outside of marriage, whether we're widow, single, never married, whatever the status.
00:32:19.920 --> 00:32:25.039
And those questions are important, especially when you get further along in the relationship.
00:32:25.279 --> 00:32:31.759
What my concern would be is how we avoid crossing the line before getting to the altar.
00:32:32.000 --> 00:32:56.640
The way we avoid crossing the line, getting to the altar is that we both have to make that decision, that has to be important to both people, or else one the one who wants it is gonna continue to try to convince you, and what happens is, and a lot of times that's the man who's trying to sometimes it's the woman.
00:32:58.640 --> 00:33:25.279
But if it's the man, then what happens is the longer you allow that kind of flirtation to take place, the easier it's gonna be for you to just say, Oh, okay, because we're getting married anyway, and then that's no different, that's no different if you are 65 as if you're 25.
00:33:25.440 --> 00:33:37.519
It's absolutely no different, which is tough, it's just those rules shouldn't apply to older people.
00:33:37.680 --> 00:33:50.400
Well, they do, no way to get around that, they apply to all of us, even folks that are married, because you have to avoid defiling the marital bed.
00:33:51.119 --> 00:34:09.920
There's a reason why all these precepts are in place, yes, and protect us, and the older that we get, if we look around, all you gotta do is is go to funerals, and the older you get, the more funerals you go to.
00:34:10.800 --> 00:34:31.760
All you gotta do is go to funerals and watch families that are convoluted by marriage and remarriage and remarriage and sex outside of marriage, it's just it so easily turns into a mess.
00:34:37.920 --> 00:34:59.039
We didn't know about, but here they are, and God never intended those things to be so, and almost every time it turns into a mess when somebody dies.
00:34:59.679 --> 00:35:20.559
Because you know why they're fighting, they're gonna be fighting over whatever assets are left, and there'll be animosity towards the different sides of the family, especially if you've got a secret family that's over here to the left, because they're gonna think that they're a title while this side's this family, like that's how all of that conflict starts.
00:35:20.719 --> 00:35:30.480
There's also resentment between children as well, especially if one set of children were abandoned while they were younger as well.
00:35:30.639 --> 00:35:37.119
We don't think about these different types of dynamics, you don't just read about this drama or hear about it on TV or in books.
00:35:37.280 --> 00:35:46.480
No, it people are hurting, like right, and people's feelings are involved as an older couple.
00:35:47.440 --> 00:36:02.159
You have to work hard talking, thinking about that because when James and I married, we had both been married before, and he had older children who he had already raised.
00:36:02.639 --> 00:36:06.639
Now he was taking in my two boys who were younger.
00:36:07.360 --> 00:36:12.320
Okay, are they gonna become a part of the will?
00:36:13.840 --> 00:36:25.119
And he sat down with his children, right, and talked these things out with them before we even got married.
00:36:25.519 --> 00:36:48.000
Actually, before I knew he had talked to them about it when he was thinking about our getting married and all of that, he thought those things through, and you think those things in advance, and you get everybody on the same page, and you don't get to turn from that page in the event that I die.
00:36:49.519 --> 00:36:52.960
Here's the understanding in bringing somebody else in.
00:36:53.280 --> 00:37:21.599
I know already that if I ever get to get married again, more than likely, if that gentleman has children, and especially if he has daughters, that's going to be an issue now, whether it's a contentious issue or a smooth issue, but it's going to be an issue because girls are protective of their daddies.
00:37:21.840 --> 00:37:22.880
Yes, they are.
00:37:23.119 --> 00:37:26.960
Okay, and what are you coming in here with my daddy?
00:37:27.280 --> 00:37:30.480
Not thinking daddy's alone, daddy's lonely.
00:37:30.639 --> 00:37:33.440
He wants to be surrounded by more than just his grandkids.
00:37:33.599 --> 00:37:36.960
He loves his grandkids, but come on now, right?
00:37:37.360 --> 00:37:39.280
But they're not thinking about that.
00:37:40.079 --> 00:37:48.480
I have sons, okay, but my sons need to think about who is this, who's this dude?
00:37:48.880 --> 00:37:50.159
All up on my mama, like that.
00:37:50.480 --> 00:37:51.760
All up on my mama like that.
00:37:52.480 --> 00:37:56.719
Well, what you what you want, what's your what are your intentions, you know, with my mama?
00:37:56.800 --> 00:38:00.880
Because sons are protective of their mothers, exactly, right?
00:38:01.280 --> 00:38:03.440
And everybody's concerned about the will.
00:38:04.000 --> 00:38:17.519
Yep, everybody wants to know what piece of this house they're gonna get, and if you get insurance or any other assets or wherever, retirement, all of that, the beneficiaries want to know how we benefit.
00:38:18.079 --> 00:38:18.800
That's right.
00:38:19.039 --> 00:38:23.119
Now, are you thinking about the fact that your mama's by herself?
00:38:23.360 --> 00:38:26.559
Are you thinking about the fact that daddy's by himself?
00:38:26.880 --> 00:38:30.880
Wow, those things matter to mom and dad.
00:38:32.400 --> 00:38:43.519
I remember when I met James, my boys were elementary school, but I joined the dating service because I was sick of seeing movies made by Disney.
00:38:45.840 --> 00:38:49.679
Can I go to an adult movie?
00:38:50.320 --> 00:38:51.440
You know, right?
00:38:51.679 --> 00:38:55.519
Can I go someplace to eat that doesn't have hamburgers on the menu?
00:38:55.679 --> 00:38:56.719
How about that?
00:38:58.800 --> 00:39:06.400
All the time, hot dogs, chicken nuggets, all the time, menu, little pizza, right?
00:39:06.719 --> 00:39:21.119
You know, and so mom and dad are men and women, and they want that attention still, and you grown kids, you you got your attention.
00:39:22.159 --> 00:39:23.440
Why can't mama and daddy?
00:39:23.840 --> 00:39:25.440
Why can't mama have why can't mama?
00:39:25.679 --> 00:39:26.800
Why can't daddy?
00:39:27.119 --> 00:39:41.280
And it's interesting that you you bring that up because I think a lot of adult children don't realize that when their parents have desires to date again because their previous spouse has passed.
00:39:41.440 --> 00:39:42.480
They don't think about that.
00:39:42.559 --> 00:39:51.679
And I don't necessarily know if it's because it's a one-track mind or they're focused on their own lives, but again, God has designed all of us for relationships.
00:39:51.840 --> 00:40:11.519
Now, what types of relationships ultimately God knows best, whether those are friendships, whether that results in marriages or wherever, but we're all designed to crave desire relationships, yes, right, and I mean it just is that I get it.
00:40:12.480 --> 00:40:20.880
I know my sons, I have two sons, and I know I'm ready to have that sex talk, and they're pretty much like mama.
00:40:21.199 --> 00:40:24.800
As far as I'm concerned, you did that twice.
00:40:29.199 --> 00:40:34.480
I mean, y'all got look how get here, and I don't even want to think about that part, right?
00:40:36.079 --> 00:40:56.559
Right, your mama is a sexual being, daddy is a sexual being, and until I guess until it's not possible any longer, there's still gonna be those desires, and as believers, those desires can only be fulfilled in marriage.
00:40:57.519 --> 00:41:00.159
There's a lot to think about.
00:41:00.800 --> 00:41:12.480
I think God, like with James and I, we were I was in my mid-40s, and he was in his late 50s when we got married.
00:41:12.880 --> 00:41:20.480
We didn't have a long courtship because we're saying we ain't got a lot of time.
00:41:21.760 --> 00:41:44.400
Like when you're oh take a year, probably not, probably not, and then you do have a lot more wisdom, you do know how to cut through the you know, so when you finally get to somebody who you're talking to like that, you've talked through a lot, right?
00:41:44.880 --> 00:41:46.159
Well, why are you rushing?
00:41:46.480 --> 00:41:48.719
Why won't you take what honey?
00:41:49.119 --> 00:41:50.880
Do you know how old I am?
00:41:53.840 --> 00:42:00.880
But just like we started, you still want to be compatible, you still you want to pray about it.
00:42:01.039 --> 00:42:35.039
If ladies, if a man is not praying, if a man is not seriously saying to you, I prayed about this, and this is what I believe the Lord, not saying it just to get in your pants, but literally, but literally, he's saying, and you see the evidence in his life, you see his commitment to his church, you see his commitment to Bible study, you see his commitment to prayer.
00:42:35.280 --> 00:42:37.280
Listen to him pray.
00:42:39.039 --> 00:42:46.320
Listen, you can tell if he's talking to God or if he's trying to impress you.
00:42:47.039 --> 00:42:54.559
That's good, that's good because a man that truly spends times in this word in God's word will pray scriptures back to the Lord.
00:42:54.719 --> 00:42:59.840
He will he'll be praying the uh scriptures, he'll be praying the word, he will know how to pray it.
00:43:00.079 --> 00:43:04.480
He will know how to pray for you too in the spirit, in the spirit.
00:43:04.639 --> 00:43:14.000
See, my my dad used to, my dad was very, very quiet person, and he was a preacher, but at home, very quiet.
00:43:15.280 --> 00:43:18.719
And we would go around, we would share who prayed, right?
00:43:18.800 --> 00:43:19.679
For meals.
00:43:20.000 --> 00:43:24.320
We always ate dinner together, always, always, always like my whole life.
00:43:24.559 --> 00:43:29.599
And when it was daddy's turn to pray, you could hardly ever hear him.
00:43:29.840 --> 00:43:32.480
And we would say, Daddy, we couldn't hear you.
00:43:32.559 --> 00:43:40.639
And he would say, 'I'm not talking to you.' He's like, I wasn't talking to you.
00:43:40.800 --> 00:43:43.199
You didn't have to hear what I was saying.
00:43:46.559 --> 00:43:48.239
If I had pearls, I would clutch.
00:43:55.039 --> 00:43:56.559
Yeah, and it might be.
00:43:56.719 --> 00:43:59.760
I mean, it should be mixed with a little bit of him trying.
00:44:00.239 --> 00:44:01.599
Impress you or whatever, okay.
00:44:02.480 --> 00:44:03.199
Let's give him that.
00:44:03.360 --> 00:44:17.119
We'll give him that, but he ought to be actually talking to God when He prays, he ought to be bringing things to your remembrance.
00:44:17.360 --> 00:44:24.400
Maybe you are getting upset about something, and he should be bringing to your remembrance, right?
00:44:24.559 --> 00:44:31.199
That okay, let's pray about it, or something that is genuine, right?
00:44:31.760 --> 00:44:40.559
Okay, that's because you're you're wanting what are you praying about?
00:44:40.800 --> 00:44:41.920
Let's go there.
00:44:42.320 --> 00:45:07.119
I prayed for a Psalms one husband, and when I said prayed for, I wasn't praying that I would get him, I was praying for him because he was somewhere on the planet, and his wife should be of anybody should be praying for him exactly.
00:45:07.440 --> 00:45:23.679
Before I met him, I would be saying, Blessed is my husband, because my husband does not walk in the counsel of the young godly, and my husband doesn't stand in the way of sinners, and my husband doesn't seat it, sit in the seat of the scorpion.
00:45:23.920 --> 00:45:44.800
But my husband's delight is in the law of the Lord, and in his law, my husband dedicates day and night, and my husband is like a tree whose plant, but now I'm praying that over James, but I hadn't met James, right?
00:45:45.440 --> 00:46:16.000
Right, pick passages of scripture that you pray over your husband who exists because wherever he is, he's going through the vicissitudes of life as you are, and if you're praying for him, perhaps you're going to be able to release him from what he's going through so that he will be in the place to meet you when you meet.
00:46:16.159 --> 00:46:41.599
Oh, that's good, that's good, and you'll recognize him because you've been praying for him, and he'll say things to you, things will be in his spirit that he will say to you that you recognize because those were the things that you said to God's ears, and don't fall for anybody who's saying anything less, because that's not him.
00:46:43.039 --> 00:46:44.239
Say it, yeah.
00:46:44.400 --> 00:46:59.599
You're setting yourself up to be found by the man who's who God is sending, and it's easier said than done.
00:46:59.679 --> 00:47:06.320
Don't think that I'm just the I'm not the poster child, I'm trying to be, right?
00:47:07.119 --> 00:47:11.519
Because I haven't had to put this in, I haven't had to put this into play.
00:47:12.960 --> 00:47:16.719
But now I'm going back to remember, oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:47:17.039 --> 00:47:27.920
I used to do this or I used to do that, and I need to put those things back because they brought me, they brought me a wonderful husband.
00:47:28.400 --> 00:47:30.559
So I'm starting to see, okay, yeah.
00:47:30.800 --> 00:47:45.840
If you're doing like the dating apps or whatever, if somebody says in their little description something that doesn't click with you, X or swipe, or depending on which app you use, swipe left, whatever way.
00:47:46.159 --> 00:47:58.320
I'm not sure which one ever it was, but it whatever one and move on to the next one, just go ahead and and go to the next one and don't linger because that's when you start to second guess yourself.
00:47:58.800 --> 00:47:59.519
That's good.
00:48:00.559 --> 00:48:37.039
I told a girlfriend I was just so and I do, I get not often, but I was really feeling defeated because it was just things coming from everywhere, not just the relationship issues, but this issue and that issue and that issue, till I said to her, I don't even feel desirable, and she had to like she jumped down my throat, she was like, Cut it out.
00:48:37.760 --> 00:48:40.000
It was kind of like boom, boom, right?
00:48:40.480 --> 00:48:41.119
Right, right.
00:48:42.880 --> 00:48:44.239
What are you talking about?
00:48:44.719 --> 00:48:46.639
Like, shake yourself, right?
00:48:46.880 --> 00:48:52.000
That's why you have friends that you can honestly share.
00:48:52.159 --> 00:48:54.159
You know, people say, How are you?
00:48:54.800 --> 00:49:03.599
Be honest, don't stop saying, stop saying, you know, oh, I'm blessed and highly favored when you don't feel blessed and highly favored today.
00:49:03.840 --> 00:49:15.760
When you tore up from the flow up, yeah, say it, say it, and then you give them an opportunity to do what they're there for, right?
00:49:17.199 --> 00:49:20.880
And to kind of go, oh, okay, I forgot.
00:49:22.960 --> 00:49:24.559
I'm glad you brought up friends.
00:49:24.639 --> 00:49:28.000
I'm glad you brought that up because they're so important.
00:49:28.880 --> 00:49:30.880
We're getting close to our one-hour mark.
00:49:30.960 --> 00:49:33.280
I cannot believe how fast the time goes by.
00:49:33.840 --> 00:49:44.800
The Lord moved us in some other directions because I'm actually glad we had this conversation about dating, because dating is different for widows, especially women that are a bit older.
00:49:45.039 --> 00:49:55.599
Before we actually close this part of the segment, I wanted us to briefly talk about ways in which, and we'll have to do this in a couple of minutes, but ways in which the church can support widows.
00:49:55.760 --> 00:50:00.159
Because I really feel like I don't necessarily see that support in action.
00:50:00.239 --> 00:50:03.840
You may have a bereavement ministry, but I feel like it stops after that.
00:50:04.000 --> 00:50:05.920
I just feel like there's a gap.
00:50:06.239 --> 00:50:12.880
How can the church support or help widows in their seats?
00:50:13.519 --> 00:50:23.440
I think churches should have widows' groups separate from the women's fellowship.
00:50:27.039 --> 00:50:39.280
Because I know there was one time in particular that I expressed a prayer request, and it was just kind of brushed aside to me.
00:50:40.480 --> 00:50:43.360
It was kind of like, oh yeah, we all feel that way.
00:50:43.760 --> 00:50:44.239
Boom.
00:50:44.400 --> 00:50:45.599
Wait a minute.
00:50:47.199 --> 00:50:51.519
I'm saying I feel that way right now, right?
00:50:51.760 --> 00:50:52.079
Right.
00:50:52.480 --> 00:51:06.800
And I want, if I'm gonna, especially if I'm gonna express a request, I want it taken as seriously as any other request.
00:51:08.239 --> 00:51:12.400
Not, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you strong, you got this.
00:51:14.719 --> 00:51:16.079
Wait a minute.
00:51:17.920 --> 00:51:39.360
There must be times when widows can talk to each other, when widows can be heard by other people who will then take the next step.
00:51:39.519 --> 00:51:43.280
It's not enough just to be heard.
00:51:43.440 --> 00:51:44.159
It's like so.
00:51:44.239 --> 00:51:46.079
What are you gonna do about it?
00:51:47.119 --> 00:51:53.280
I mean, something as simple as if we don't have people to come over and fix something at the house.
00:51:53.519 --> 00:52:09.119
There needs to be a group of men at the church who we can call because number one, it better be someone we could trust to come into my home, someone who I know who they are.
00:52:09.519 --> 00:52:39.519
I mean, some those kinds of things need to be in place and through the church, and if widows, if they're having financial issues, just like the church would pay a single mother's rent for a month or whatever, the widows without judgment.
00:52:39.760 --> 00:52:42.480
So, for example, didn't your husband leave you enough?
00:52:43.840 --> 00:52:46.960
There's attitudes, there's stuff, okay?
00:52:48.880 --> 00:52:55.119
There's stuff, and so all of those things need to be able to be talked about, they need to be able to be covered.
00:52:55.280 --> 00:53:03.519
I think that's what the church was facing in the first century, neglecting the widows.
00:53:04.559 --> 00:53:06.480
And who did they put over it?
00:53:06.719 --> 00:53:14.800
They put men, important men in the church, not just somebody who came to volunteer.
00:53:15.840 --> 00:53:22.079
The leaders, they put leaders in charge of it.
00:53:23.360 --> 00:53:37.199
But widows have to have a voice, they must, they must be given a place for a voice, and then a voice that is heard and voices that are acted upon in their behalf.
00:53:38.719 --> 00:53:39.840
Oh, that's so good.
00:53:40.000 --> 00:53:40.719
That's so good.
00:53:40.880 --> 00:53:47.280
Doc, I think we need to we have to end it here, but I would actually like us to continue this conversation.
00:53:47.519 --> 00:53:50.000
Yes, we need to have our part three.
00:53:50.159 --> 00:54:08.239
We have to have our part three because I want us to talk some more about these widows, our widows group, like what that would actually look like, and what an actual ministry for our widows would look like, because I really feel that the body of Christ is not adequately equipped to minister to our widows.
00:54:08.400 --> 00:54:28.159
You know, we're supposed to go out in the highways and the hedges and to compel men to come, but how are we actually taking care of those in the body when we've got different scriptures that talk about we need to be rendering aid, get always treat with great consideration and give aid to those that are truly widowed who are solitary without support?
00:54:28.239 --> 00:54:30.639
That comes from 1 Timothy 5 and 3.
00:54:30.800 --> 00:54:34.800
We're ignoring a basic uh requirement in a scriptures.
00:54:34.880 --> 00:54:44.320
I definitely want us to come back and we'll definitely cover what we did not cover in this segment with the doc before we close out the segment.
00:54:44.480 --> 00:54:45.519
I know you have a book.
00:54:45.679 --> 00:54:51.119
Did you want to plug your book and say where people can find you if they want to learn more about you?
00:54:51.440 --> 00:54:56.800
The book for widows after him, a devotional journal for widows.
00:54:57.119 --> 00:54:59.199
And you can find me now.
00:54:59.280 --> 00:55:03.199
Of course, one of the issues I'm having is with my website, y'all.
00:55:03.760 --> 00:55:06.079
You can find me though on Instagram.
00:55:06.159 --> 00:55:10.000
I'm on Instagram, just at Dr.
00:55:10.079 --> 00:55:11.119
Sharon Elliott.
00:55:11.280 --> 00:55:12.559
You can find me there.
00:55:12.639 --> 00:55:15.679
Um, you can find me on Facebook.
00:55:16.239 --> 00:55:16.400
Okay.
00:55:16.719 --> 00:55:19.039
Um, I'm there as well.
00:55:19.440 --> 00:55:31.840
And then my email address is authorize me now at gmail.com if you want direct access to me.
00:55:32.000 --> 00:55:36.079
The books are also available, of course, on Amazon.
00:55:36.719 --> 00:55:41.199
Just look up my whole name, Sharon Norris Elliott.
00:55:41.440 --> 00:55:43.599
Okay, again, Dr.
00:55:43.760 --> 00:55:47.679
Sharon, we so appreciate you here at the Singles Oasis.
00:55:47.840 --> 00:55:49.840
We had such a great time.
00:55:50.079 --> 00:55:58.880
I'm so glad we were able to do part two, and I'm so looking forward to doing part three of our segment of Single Again.
00:55:59.039 --> 00:56:01.760
But again, we want to thank you for joining us tonight.
00:56:01.840 --> 00:56:04.800
We want to thank all of our viewers that are listening.
00:56:05.119 --> 00:56:17.280
Be on the lookout for updates on when we're gonna do our part three and also future segments, and just to let you all know that the Singles Oasis, we do our live streaming segments every other Wednesday.
00:56:17.519 --> 00:56:21.519
We will let you know what's in store on the 22nd.
00:56:21.760 --> 00:56:32.000
We'll also let you know about segments that will be scheduled in between because I'm gonna start scheduling some segments where it'll be just me talking about various topics.
00:56:32.239 --> 00:56:34.079
Again, you can find us on YouTube.
00:56:34.159 --> 00:56:36.719
The Singles Oasis has a YouTube page.
00:56:37.039 --> 00:56:42.719
You can follow me on Facebook at Mary Bowen, where you see the live streams for the Singles Oasis.
00:56:42.800 --> 00:56:50.400
You can also listen to us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, iHeart Music, and anywhere you stream your podcast.
00:56:50.559 --> 00:56:53.920
Again, we want to thank you all for tuning in and listening tonight.
00:56:54.079 --> 00:56:56.719
Again, special shout out and special thank you, Dr.
00:56:56.800 --> 00:57:02.480
Sharon, for a wonderful single again part two segment.
00:57:02.639 --> 00:57:03.599
God bless you all.
00:57:03.760 --> 00:57:07.119
We love you with the love of the Lord, and we'll see you later this month.
00:00:01.520 --> 00:00:05.839
Good evening, it's Mary from the Singles Oasis.
00:00:06.160 --> 00:00:13.679
Welcome to season two, episode four of Navigating Singleness in 2026.
00:00:14.160 --> 00:00:16.239
Single Again, part two.
00:00:16.879 --> 00:00:21.920
The Singles Oasis is a refuge and gathering place for singles.
00:00:22.160 --> 00:00:28.000
Here, singles will receive biblical wisdom and wise counsel, which will help them in their walk with Christ.
00:00:28.239 --> 00:00:33.439
Where there is no counsel, the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors, there is safety.
00:00:33.679 --> 00:00:36.719
That comes from Proverbs 11 and 14.
00:00:37.119 --> 00:00:42.159
I'm so, so, so excited to continue part two of our segment.
00:00:42.320 --> 00:00:45.759
I'm even more excited that my special guest, Dr.
00:00:46.479 --> 00:00:49.200
Sharon Elliott, can join us again tonight.
00:00:49.439 --> 00:00:49.759
Dr.
00:00:49.840 --> 00:00:54.880
Sharon, thank you so much for taking it to part two.
00:00:55.280 --> 00:00:58.399
This is a segment specifically dedicated to our widows.
00:00:58.479 --> 00:00:59.600
This is actually part two.
00:00:59.840 --> 00:01:06.719
So if you missed our segment from two weeks ago, go ahead and check out Single Again Part One.
00:01:07.359 --> 00:01:10.159
We talked about some great things.
00:01:10.319 --> 00:01:33.439
We talked about how widows are targeted, specifically how widows are targeted for their vulnerability, how they may be subject to scammers, romance schemes, and so forth, and ways in which widows can identify whether they're being catfished, how they can identify as to whether the person they're talking to is actually real.
00:01:34.000 --> 00:01:39.359
I am still tickled about your newspaper trick.
00:01:39.519 --> 00:01:43.120
I'm definitely going to incorporate that in my writing somewhere.
00:01:43.359 --> 00:01:44.079
Do not worry.
00:01:44.239 --> 00:01:45.840
I'm still gonna give you credit for that.
00:01:46.000 --> 00:01:48.560
Just in case you missed that first segment.
00:01:48.719 --> 00:01:52.079
If you're ever talking to someone and they're located in another state, Dr.
00:01:52.239 --> 00:01:59.599
Sharon said, ask them to give you, show you a picture of their current newspaper and they need to show it to you expeditiously.
00:01:59.760 --> 00:02:02.000
Not a week later, not the next day.
00:02:02.159 --> 00:02:14.719
No, they need to send it to you that same day because if they can't produce a local paper from their area, which will stole it, show their state or their city, that lets you know the person is lying to you.
00:02:14.960 --> 00:02:16.719
Yeah, just hold it up.
00:02:16.960 --> 00:02:27.360
They can go to a 7-Eleven, get a local paper, hold it up so you can see the city and the date and their face at the same time.
00:02:28.000 --> 00:02:29.199
Yes, I love it.
00:02:29.280 --> 00:02:30.080
I love it.
00:02:30.479 --> 00:02:35.599
We all talked about ways in which our community can really minister to widows when Dr.
00:02:35.680 --> 00:02:39.280
Sharon previously shared when it was going to be her first Christmas alone.
00:02:39.680 --> 00:02:50.479
I believe it was the Advanced Writers and Speakers Association actually sent you gifts to put under your tree because ordinarily you and your late husband would share gifts.
00:02:50.800 --> 00:02:53.120
You gave each other on Christmas morning.
00:02:53.439 --> 00:02:58.240
They blessed her with an abundance of gifts so she'd have gifts under her tree.
00:02:58.560 --> 00:03:06.400
We talked about, you know, just the importance of journaling as well and just helping helping you in terms of that grief journey.
00:03:06.479 --> 00:03:17.439
And there was a few things I wanted to back up and and kind of talk about in terms of that grief journey before we get into some of the juicy questions, because we got some juicy questions.
00:03:18.479 --> 00:03:24.080
Here at the Singles Oasis, you know, there we're not a tiptoe type of podcast.
00:03:24.319 --> 00:03:25.680
We jump right in the mud.
00:03:26.000 --> 00:03:26.639
We know, Dr.
00:03:26.719 --> 00:03:34.800
Sharon, that you were previously married for 21 years, and you've been a widow now for a little over three years.
00:03:35.120 --> 00:03:51.520
Something else you brought up that was very important in our last segment is that as singles, because all of us are singles from excuse me, different walks of life, and we have to be careful with empty words and cliches and things of that sort.
00:03:51.599 --> 00:04:00.080
Because naturally, the first thing we say to someone that may be grieving is that you know, we're definitely gonna pray for you, pray for your family, whatever the situation is.
00:04:00.159 --> 00:04:09.199
That part is fine, but we have to be careful with saying we understand, because if you have not been in that situation, you don't understand it.
00:04:09.360 --> 00:04:22.480
We all may understand what the grief process looks like because all of us may have lost someone that's close to us, but in terms of losing a spouse, that's a different type of season, yes.
00:04:22.639 --> 00:04:40.480
Every every type of grief is different, and the person who yes, you understand that someone is hurt, yes, you understand that someone is missing that person, right?
00:04:41.120 --> 00:04:51.839
But you don't understand if you've never lost a child, you don't know what that's like, right?
00:04:52.079 --> 00:05:05.759
You can imagine, but you don't know in your heart what that's like unless you have lost a child, right?
00:05:06.240 --> 00:05:17.920
Don't say to someone, I know how you feel, if you have not had that same experience, right?
00:05:18.240 --> 00:05:24.639
You can say, you know, I feel, you know, I I feel for you, right?
00:05:24.800 --> 00:05:29.839
I feel for your loss, but don't make it about you.
00:05:30.000 --> 00:05:35.920
My husband had one of his daughters had died as an adult.
00:05:36.079 --> 00:05:44.000
It was after he and I had gotten married, and someone said to him, Oh man, I know how you feel.
00:05:45.040 --> 00:05:54.399
And no, they didn't, you know, they had not never lost a child, and that's the one time during all of that that my husband really just lost it.
00:05:54.480 --> 00:06:03.040
He had to go back and really apologize to the to the man, but um, yeah, be very, very careful.
00:06:03.360 --> 00:06:09.839
Um, here's another one not to say, and I've actually had people say this to me.
00:06:10.160 --> 00:06:15.680
Well, at least you had somebody that wait, excuse me.
00:06:16.000 --> 00:06:18.240
Oh that's awful.
00:06:18.399 --> 00:06:30.720
That's that's that's not that's not at least you had at least you had a husband that loved you, and especially you know who I hear this from people who women who had never been married.
00:06:31.279 --> 00:06:36.000
Wow, and that's that's coming from their hurt.
00:06:36.399 --> 00:06:42.639
That's not that's not about my hurt, you know, that's their hurt.
00:06:42.800 --> 00:06:51.759
That's just like when somebody comes to you and says something that's going on and you do a oh, I could, oh, but I can beat that, yeah.
00:06:54.399 --> 00:07:04.079
You know, type of deal, or again, you mentioned a minute ago, it's basically flipping it to where it's inward, it's it's focusing on them, right?
00:07:04.800 --> 00:07:05.360
Right.
00:07:05.680 --> 00:07:09.920
And so yeah, please don't, yeah, please don't do that.
00:07:12.319 --> 00:07:15.279
That actually brings up a this that brings up another question.
00:07:15.439 --> 00:07:22.800
Since we're talking about, you know, really what not to say, you know, to widows, is there anything else we should avoid saying?
00:07:23.120 --> 00:07:32.160
And then once we cover that, can we maybe talk about okay, what should we say to a widow?
00:07:32.879 --> 00:07:48.319
This like I said, this is a different season for a lot of people, and for you know, ministry leaders, especially if they have not personally experienced it or known anybody that's personally experienced it, they may not know how to help widow.
00:07:49.120 --> 00:07:50.399
Right, right.
00:07:51.839 --> 00:08:10.399
Another one not to say is well, you're gonna be back together in heaven, you know, and I really want to come back with, but I want him here now.
00:08:11.199 --> 00:08:11.839
That's the point.
00:08:12.160 --> 00:08:15.360
I can never flesh, right?
00:08:15.519 --> 00:08:22.879
I'm not trying to, you know, because I'm not in a rush to get to heaven, right?
00:08:23.600 --> 00:08:32.960
And it would sound like you would want me to well, go ahead, you know, go ahead and be with him, because you want that so bad, you know, whatever.
00:08:33.120 --> 00:08:35.279
Come on now, yeah.
00:08:35.840 --> 00:08:53.120
What what you can say if if it's about me, if your comment is about me and my hurt, what you can say is because we love to talk about our husband.
00:08:54.000 --> 00:09:08.080
Okay, you can either ask me, you know, well, what's one of the great things, you know, that you remember about James, or you know, just you don't even have to say anything.
00:09:08.240 --> 00:09:09.759
Sometimes I just need a hook.
00:09:09.840 --> 00:09:12.960
Do you realize nobody's hugging me right now?
00:09:13.759 --> 00:09:15.519
I don't have anybody to hug me.
00:09:15.679 --> 00:09:24.559
I don't have anybody, you know, to at the end of my day, I don't have anybody to talk to.
00:09:27.120 --> 00:09:30.000
Okay, don't think about like this.
00:09:30.080 --> 00:09:39.519
Is this why you know I'm asking such a raw question because we don't think about these things or we take these things for granted.
00:09:39.679 --> 00:09:43.600
Not all singles live alone, some have roommates, right?
00:09:44.000 --> 00:09:47.120
Some live with their best friends, and some live with family.
00:09:47.440 --> 00:09:53.759
They're actually gonna receive those hugs, those communications, the opportunities to communicate.
00:09:54.000 --> 00:09:54.720
What do you call it?
00:09:54.879 --> 00:09:59.440
Physical touch is their love language, they're they're receiving that.
00:10:00.320 --> 00:10:12.639
Singles that, of course, that are plugged in, you know, to a church also may receive hugs there, but that's different when you're used to living home with your spouse and receiving that affection.
00:10:12.720 --> 00:10:15.279
And that actually breaks my heart to hear that.
00:10:15.440 --> 00:10:27.360
Because one night I was scrolling on Instagram and I remember seeing several posts where singles, I don't necessarily know if they've ever been married or not, but many of them were saying the same thing.
00:10:27.440 --> 00:10:29.120
They said, Nobody's hugged me.
00:10:29.200 --> 00:10:35.440
They said, I haven't had a hug in months, I haven't seen my family in months because they live all the way on the other side of the country, right?
00:10:35.600 --> 00:10:38.320
It could be you know a lot of things.
00:10:38.480 --> 00:10:54.559
Like I have I have two sons, grown sons, who have lives, and I raised them to have lives because they were not gonna be grown and living under me, right?
00:10:55.200 --> 00:11:01.200
They were two black men in America, they needed to be able to function, right?
00:11:01.600 --> 00:11:05.440
And they do, and they're beautiful citizens, you know, and all that.
00:11:05.600 --> 00:11:10.559
One has a family, has a wife, three kids, and a mortgage.
00:11:11.840 --> 00:11:21.039
Now, however, they don't call me, they don't call me a lot, they call me now and then, right?
00:11:21.519 --> 00:11:25.600
But they're they've got their own lives, right?
00:11:25.840 --> 00:11:34.960
My friends who have grown daughters, the daughters feel like they're a little closer.
00:11:35.120 --> 00:11:40.799
I just know one man who he calls he's single and he calls his mother every day.
00:11:41.120 --> 00:11:48.720
Okay, he's her only son, all of that, but I don't need to be called every day, I just it needs to be regular.
00:11:48.879 --> 00:11:53.759
I put one of my nieces on the case, right?
00:11:54.720 --> 00:12:00.240
Because I said, somebody needs to know I am still alive in this house.
00:12:00.480 --> 00:12:03.440
Okay, but it makes sense.
00:12:03.600 --> 00:12:16.159
That makes sense because how many stories do we hear or things on the news where someone was in their house and nobody knew that they were in distress and didn't find out about it for late days because no one checked on them.
00:12:16.240 --> 00:12:27.679
That's a good point to bring out is that if even if you're not related to that widow and you've developed a good rapport with that widow, contact them, even if it's once a week.
00:12:27.759 --> 00:12:32.240
It doesn't even have to be a long phone call, 15-20 minutes, just check in and see how you're doing.
00:12:32.320 --> 00:12:34.799
Do you need anything something of that sort?
00:12:34.879 --> 00:12:39.679
Because it means a lot to people to know that you're thinking about them because it's those you care about them.
00:12:39.919 --> 00:12:45.039
And you know, I'm I'm starting to connect those people to each other.
00:12:45.440 --> 00:12:54.879
If my niece doesn't get through to me, she needs to call my boys, which was nothing I needed to think about while James was here, right?
00:12:55.519 --> 00:13:06.639
I don't know if I said it on the last show, but the issue, and I try to face my own issues and realize what they are, and at least acknowledge what they are, right?
00:13:06.799 --> 00:13:08.799
I am nobody's person.
00:13:10.080 --> 00:13:16.639
There is not a particular person, you know, who exists.
00:13:18.480 --> 00:13:24.159
Like for me, James existed for me, I existed for him.
00:13:24.399 --> 00:13:27.360
You know, we were in a marriage, that's what it's supposed to be.
00:13:27.600 --> 00:13:30.080
We were one, right?
00:13:30.559 --> 00:13:39.039
There was never a time when I would call his phone and he wouldn't answer me, no matter what he was doing, right?
00:13:39.600 --> 00:13:40.960
And vice versa.
00:13:41.200 --> 00:13:51.039
And so right now, that person in the universe does not exist for me, and that's hard.
00:13:52.080 --> 00:13:57.919
It's something that I have to obviously deal with, but I am expressing it.
00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:01.679
I am saying that is what it is.
00:14:02.559 --> 00:14:21.200
I am nobody's person, you know, my dear widow lady friends is what can trip you up and rush you into relationships that you shouldn't be in.
00:14:28.240 --> 00:14:28.639
Right?
00:14:28.799 --> 00:14:30.720
I know whereof I speak.
00:14:31.679 --> 00:14:34.720
Okay, I'm gonna deviate a little bit.
00:14:34.879 --> 00:14:39.840
I have not covered any dating segments as of yet, but they are forthcoming.
00:14:39.919 --> 00:14:42.639
I'm gonna do them a little bit later in the season.
00:14:43.279 --> 00:14:47.279
She mentioned some relationships, especially getting into relationships prematurely.
00:14:47.840 --> 00:14:52.159
We need to be led by the Holy Spirit, and the Lord will tell us when we are ready.
00:14:52.320 --> 00:14:59.759
But how will how would a widow know when he or she is ready to date again?
00:15:00.799 --> 00:15:32.480
Number one is like I'm saying, recognize how you feel and acknowledge it, and then you could set up guardrails if you don't recognize that you're in a race car, for example, you could be going over the speed limit and not realize the power of the car you're in.
00:15:33.120 --> 00:15:45.679
By the same token, I recognize that I am not a loner, I am better in a relationship.
00:15:47.279 --> 00:15:50.399
Those are like the guardrails or what have you.
00:15:50.720 --> 00:16:12.159
Since I know that about myself, I need to be careful to realize that I need to really pay attention to my preferences, to what I would let go by as an excuse when otherwise I wouldn't.
00:16:12.399 --> 00:16:17.360
Like I wouldn't, I'm I'm not taking that like my husband.
00:16:17.519 --> 00:16:24.000
Although we were husband and wife, he would never be allowed to disrespect me.
00:16:24.559 --> 00:16:27.919
We would have words if that's something that I felt was coming up.
00:16:28.159 --> 00:16:37.759
Well, why would I accept that from someone else just because I'm lonely?
00:16:38.399 --> 00:16:45.840
See, just because I'm not a loner, I'm like, okay, um, you know, okay, that's a that's not that bad.
00:16:46.080 --> 00:16:48.000
No, no, right?
00:16:48.399 --> 00:17:00.480
I've gotta be sure that I'm gonna stick to my guns because I'm realizing what my vulnerability is.
00:17:00.799 --> 00:17:03.840
That's probably a better way to say it, right?
00:17:04.640 --> 00:17:09.759
Basically recognize or acknowledge how you feel, and then set up your guardrails.
00:17:10.160 --> 00:17:17.759
Really, more importantly, you just mentioned it a minute ago, is that you need to know what your vulnerabilities are, those are basically your blind sides.
00:17:19.039 --> 00:17:35.200
Yes, let's say if your vulnerability is a really deep voice, so then when he shows up with that really deep voice, you'd be like, hold it.
00:17:38.640 --> 00:17:44.720
Right, because someone with the someone with a higher voice can say the same things, and you'd be like, get out of the way.
00:17:45.680 --> 00:17:53.920
But just because he said it with a deep voice, if you know that's your vulnerability, then you need to be like, Oh, hold it.
00:17:55.119 --> 00:17:57.759
You know, am I gonna allow that?
00:17:58.240 --> 00:18:08.000
Perhaps you really would love to be with someone who is a Christian and they're in church with you.
00:18:08.400 --> 00:18:13.359
That really matters to you, it would matter to you down the line, right?
00:18:13.759 --> 00:18:29.599
Right, but then you meet, you know, Rico, and Rico don't go to church regularly, but you know, he seems to be okay, and he may even read his Bible.
00:18:30.000 --> 00:18:32.880
He reads his Bible, but he doesn't go to church.
00:18:35.839 --> 00:18:36.480
Hmm.
00:18:37.279 --> 00:18:48.720
If going to church and worshiping together, you know that that's a thing that's important, then Rico can't get away with just reading his Bible.
00:18:52.079 --> 00:19:01.759
You know, knowing who you are, knowing who you who you're desiring for the long haul, that's important.
00:19:01.920 --> 00:19:05.519
It's in those things are important for you to know.
00:19:07.359 --> 00:19:09.440
Oh, you're just being picky, uh-huh.
00:19:11.519 --> 00:19:14.000
Yeah, because this is my life.
00:19:14.799 --> 00:19:30.079
I really want us as singles in general to keep in mind that when we talk about these guardrails, when we talk about these boundaries, for one, they're in place to help you weed out whom the Lord has not sent you or who you should not be connected to.
00:19:30.319 --> 00:19:36.000
Because let's be honest, there's some people that have made it past the gate when they shouldn't even made it past hello.
00:19:36.319 --> 00:19:40.799
Because had we really stayed within those guardrails, stuck to those boundaries, right?
00:19:41.039 --> 00:19:43.359
We wouldn't have been in that situation.
00:19:43.599 --> 00:19:50.079
Like you probably have seen on some of my Facebook posts, singles can date without compromise.
00:19:50.319 --> 00:19:59.039
Because when the minute you start disregarding and setting those boundaries aside, going outside those guardrails, you're opening the door to compromise, right?
00:19:59.279 --> 00:20:02.880
And you will take the next step.
00:20:03.440 --> 00:20:09.680
Don't say you won't, you will, you just will, okay.
00:20:10.960 --> 00:20:14.720
Okay, all right, let's talk about make it making the next step.
00:20:14.880 --> 00:20:16.799
Let's step into this next question.
00:20:17.039 --> 00:20:21.119
You were married for 21 years, that means you were intimate for 21 years.
00:20:21.359 --> 00:20:23.119
All 21, thank you.
00:20:23.920 --> 00:20:28.079
Okay, all these 21 years, as you should be, right?
00:20:28.480 --> 00:20:30.799
Keeping the married bed undefiled.
00:20:30.960 --> 00:20:34.079
That's right, okay, and rendering due benevolence to one another.
00:20:34.240 --> 00:20:37.680
I mean, the word has designed marriage.
00:20:37.839 --> 00:20:42.400
Uh, that's the way in which people can be intimate with one another.
00:20:42.640 --> 00:20:43.039
That's right.
00:20:43.119 --> 00:20:44.720
That's how God planned it.
00:20:44.960 --> 00:20:49.359
Yes, with that being said, you know where I'm going, Doc.
00:20:49.519 --> 00:20:50.319
You know where I'm getting ready to do?
00:20:50.480 --> 00:20:54.480
I know where you're going, but I'm gonna let you, I'm not gonna let you off the hook being uncomfortable.
00:20:54.559 --> 00:20:55.759
Go ahead and say that.
00:20:58.720 --> 00:21:03.599
Okay, widows are used to being intimate, and now they're a widow.
00:21:04.079 --> 00:21:07.119
How in the world do they deal with not having sex?
00:21:07.440 --> 00:21:10.480
I know that is hard, okay?
00:21:11.119 --> 00:21:13.200
That is not easy.
00:21:13.680 --> 00:21:19.039
You have to really change, I had to change my mindset.
00:21:20.160 --> 00:21:39.599
Okay, so at first, now this this might sound strange, but at first it wasn't difficult because the pain of just not having James there was like, I don't even want to think about you know anything that has to do with any kind of relationship.
00:21:39.759 --> 00:21:44.319
I don't want to think about anything because it everything is painful.
00:21:45.039 --> 00:21:59.200
But you start to come out of that valley, and it is a valley of the shadow of death, and so death does pass by.
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:09.200
But we have to realize that a valley only exists because there are more peaks to reach.
00:22:09.759 --> 00:22:12.640
There are peaks all around any valley.
00:22:14.400 --> 00:22:20.960
And if you do what the psalm says, walk through, you keep walking.
00:22:21.119 --> 00:22:25.599
If you keep walking, you're going to be elevating.
00:22:25.839 --> 00:22:29.119
You're going to be going up to another peak.
00:22:29.920 --> 00:22:30.480
Right?
00:22:30.799 --> 00:22:35.680
What does get widows stuck is walking in a circle?
00:22:37.119 --> 00:22:39.599
We're not supposed to walk in circles.
00:22:40.319 --> 00:22:43.920
As we go through life, we walk in a line.
00:22:44.400 --> 00:22:53.680
See, we should not be uh repeating and repeating and repeating, we should be walking in a line, and that line has to do with growth, right?
00:22:53.839 --> 00:22:57.359
We're constantly growing in the Lord, we're constantly moving forward.
00:22:57.599 --> 00:23:13.759
If you move forward through a valley, you will be climbing eventually, and climbing takes you up to peaks, and then we know that on the tops of peaks, many times they're beautiful meadows, there's all kinds of wonderful things.
00:23:13.839 --> 00:23:14.319
So great.
00:23:14.640 --> 00:23:35.039
You keep walking as you are recovering from that season, all the things that you are as a woman are gonna come back, and just like just like searching for those hugs, you know, we long again for intimacy, right?
00:23:35.279 --> 00:23:59.759
And if you long again for intimacy, you're gonna have to deal with it the same way you dealt with it when you were in your 20s before you met him, you know, or however old you were before you met your husband, you are back at that same, you know, type of space, only now you have all this practice behind you, okay.
00:24:02.400 --> 00:24:06.000
Oh, and now, and so it's difficult.
00:24:06.880 --> 00:24:16.000
There's only one reason that you're not going to fall into temptation, and that's because you want to please the Lord.
00:24:16.960 --> 00:24:19.680
There is no other reason, okay.
00:24:19.839 --> 00:24:46.960
You can get into oh, yeah, you know, it's too dangerous out there, you gotta, you know, but there's safe sex options, and then more and more is interesting, more gentlemen I meet who have bought the notion, and it's not just the notion, let me back that up, but have bought the belief that you have to test the waters, yeah, or test drive before you buy.
00:24:47.519 --> 00:24:56.319
Yeah, that's the analogy they like to use is that you test the waters, you gotta test drive it before you buy it or before you commit, right?
00:24:56.880 --> 00:25:11.599
And all that you need to do, you do really need to discuss honestly with each other, you know, but just like when you were younger is the same as when you're older.
00:25:11.920 --> 00:25:17.599
That's a lie from the pit of hell for you for you to send.
00:25:18.240 --> 00:25:45.759
Okay, there is enough that you can talk about and be honest with each other, okay, to know that okay, this is gonna work, and you know enough too about being close, you know, if it's when you're kissing and hugging, that kind of stuff, you can tell, you know, if your style is gonna work with each other when it comes to you know full intimacy.
00:25:46.160 --> 00:26:10.720
So yeah, no, you know, because it becomes the same with women, especially getting older, you know, because I want to know, well, brother, you know, you need to tell me something about your ability.
00:26:12.720 --> 00:26:17.039
Oh I won't I won't say it.
00:26:17.119 --> 00:26:19.119
I'm gonna go ahead and say it.
00:26:19.279 --> 00:26:26.640
Just because we need to know if the equipment is is still still standing attention.
00:26:26.880 --> 00:26:27.839
Bear with us, y'all.
00:26:28.160 --> 00:26:28.640
Bear with us.
00:26:28.799 --> 00:26:33.119
We get to cackling a little bit, and then all of a sudden, you know, just the stuff that wanna act right.
00:26:33.200 --> 00:26:45.200
But what we were saying though, but seriously, in in dating, especially widows that are that are dating, because there's some instances where there may be two divorcees where one divorcee suddenly finds himself.
00:26:45.279 --> 00:26:52.240
Um you may have two divorcees that are considering dating, or you may have two widows that are considering dating, vice versa.
00:26:52.319 --> 00:26:54.720
But these are honest questions that you have to ask.
00:26:55.039 --> 00:26:58.240
You're gonna want to know in terms of intimacy.
00:26:58.400 --> 00:27:01.680
You may want to have those questions about frequency, but what are you like?
00:27:01.759 --> 00:27:03.200
What's your expectations?
00:27:03.359 --> 00:27:04.640
But yes, you do need to be able to do that.
00:27:04.799 --> 00:27:26.559
And those are right, and those are totally the conversations that you need to be comfortable to have, and it's you know, no shame about asking them, and especially when you get to be my age, because there's all kinds of different health issues.
00:27:26.880 --> 00:27:27.839
Yes, yes.
00:27:28.079 --> 00:27:50.559
I consider myself a young 69, I don't have the kinds of health issues that other people at 69 and 70, they're like walking on canes and all kinds of things when that is not my health situation, right?
00:27:51.359 --> 00:28:04.400
Even whatever age you're at, you're also wanting to date someone who is in your same health bracket, if that's such a thing.
00:28:05.440 --> 00:28:12.559
So those questions are fair, you know, they're fair to ask.
00:28:13.039 --> 00:28:21.839
And it's okay if somebody is healthier and they have more stamina than you have at this point, you would just be frustrated.
00:28:22.160 --> 00:28:25.279
And those questions, like I said, those questions are fair.
00:28:28.880 --> 00:28:41.920
Let me back up and ask this because I know we're talking about the struggle with widows being single and the struggle to avoid having sex outside of marriage, avoiding the sexual immorality.
00:28:42.240 --> 00:28:45.839
But when is the actual appropriate time to ask these questions?
00:28:46.000 --> 00:28:51.599
Of course, you're not going to ask this question on the first date, but is it when you're considering an engagement?
00:28:51.759 --> 00:28:53.599
Like when is it appropriate?
00:28:53.680 --> 00:29:08.160
Because what my concern would be for my singles that are listening, whether they're widows or not, when you broach that situation, you don't want to open the door to temptation by having these types of conversations, right?
00:29:08.640 --> 00:29:15.200
And I would say that that is obviously gonna vary with every person.
00:29:16.480 --> 00:29:19.759
We were talking before the program started.
00:29:19.920 --> 00:29:36.480
Let's say if you're on a dating site, um there's one site that it lets you say whether you're interested in a long-term relationship or if you're interested in just being friends or just chatting or whatever.
00:29:36.640 --> 00:29:51.200
If you're just chatting and being friends, that never has come up because there's no such thing as friends with benefits for me, right?
00:29:52.240 --> 00:29:54.400
And so you just want to chat, okay.
00:29:54.559 --> 00:30:43.440
We're gonna talk about each other's kids and the jobs that we did or the jobs that we're doing now, and how we like to go to this kind of movie and that kind of restaurant, and what's going on in the political scene, or whatever, because there's not going to be a sexual component to that relationship, but as you get closer, if the relationship starts turning to be a more romantic, then yeah, you have to start having those conversations, and the earlier the better, when there's a romantic anything involved, then you need to know.
00:30:43.519 --> 00:30:57.519
Like, let's say the gentleman, you and the gentleman are just talking and you enjoy talking to each other, you laugh, but then when he sends you texts, he uses pet names for you.
00:30:58.720 --> 00:31:00.559
That's the time when you stop him.
00:31:01.359 --> 00:31:02.160
Hold it.
00:31:03.279 --> 00:31:24.559
You said you just wanted to be friends, and I'm not baby or sugar or any of those things because those words stir up in me that I'm thinking you're saying you want to move further than a friendship.
00:31:24.720 --> 00:31:27.119
That's what those words mean to me.
00:31:27.519 --> 00:31:39.200
I need you to stop using those words unless they mean that you are wanting to take this relationship to a romantic level.
00:31:39.359 --> 00:31:49.119
And if so, I need you to just say that, and then we can talk about what happens next.
00:31:50.720 --> 00:32:05.359
But if indeed you just want this to be a friendly relationship, then you need to keep the texts as friends, that kind of conversation.
00:32:06.559 --> 00:32:19.599
I want to make sure we still stay in the parameters of what God has said according to his word, because again, we don't want to have sex outside of marriage, whether we're widow, single, never married, whatever the status.
00:32:19.920 --> 00:32:25.039
And those questions are important, especially when you get further along in the relationship.
00:32:25.279 --> 00:32:31.759
What my concern would be is how we avoid crossing the line before getting to the altar.
00:32:32.000 --> 00:32:56.640
The way we avoid crossing the line, getting to the altar is that we both have to make that decision, that has to be important to both people, or else one the one who wants it is gonna continue to try to convince you, and what happens is, and a lot of times that's the man who's trying to sometimes it's the woman.
00:32:58.640 --> 00:33:25.279
But if it's the man, then what happens is the longer you allow that kind of flirtation to take place, the easier it's gonna be for you to just say, Oh, okay, because we're getting married anyway, and then that's no different, that's no different if you are 65 as if you're 25.
00:33:25.440 --> 00:33:37.519
It's absolutely no different, which is tough, it's just those rules shouldn't apply to older people.
00:33:37.680 --> 00:33:50.400
Well, they do, no way to get around that, they apply to all of us, even folks that are married, because you have to avoid defiling the marital bed.
00:33:51.119 --> 00:34:09.920
There's a reason why all these precepts are in place, yes, and protect us, and the older that we get, if we look around, all you gotta do is is go to funerals, and the older you get, the more funerals you go to.
00:34:10.800 --> 00:34:31.760
All you gotta do is go to funerals and watch families that are convoluted by marriage and remarriage and remarriage and sex outside of marriage, it's just it so easily turns into a mess.
00:34:37.920 --> 00:34:59.039
We didn't know about, but here they are, and God never intended those things to be so, and almost every time it turns into a mess when somebody dies.
00:34:59.679 --> 00:35:20.559
Because you know why they're fighting, they're gonna be fighting over whatever assets are left, and there'll be animosity towards the different sides of the family, especially if you've got a secret family that's over here to the left, because they're gonna think that they're a title while this side's this family, like that's how all of that conflict starts.
00:35:20.719 --> 00:35:30.480
There's also resentment between children as well, especially if one set of children were abandoned while they were younger as well.
00:35:30.639 --> 00:35:37.119
We don't think about these different types of dynamics, you don't just read about this drama or hear about it on TV or in books.
00:35:37.280 --> 00:35:46.480
No, it people are hurting, like right, and people's feelings are involved as an older couple.
00:35:47.440 --> 00:36:02.159
You have to work hard talking, thinking about that because when James and I married, we had both been married before, and he had older children who he had already raised.
00:36:02.639 --> 00:36:06.639
Now he was taking in my two boys who were younger.
00:36:07.360 --> 00:36:12.320
Okay, are they gonna become a part of the will?
00:36:13.840 --> 00:36:25.119
And he sat down with his children, right, and talked these things out with them before we even got married.
00:36:25.519 --> 00:36:48.000
Actually, before I knew he had talked to them about it when he was thinking about our getting married and all of that, he thought those things through, and you think those things in advance, and you get everybody on the same page, and you don't get to turn from that page in the event that I die.
00:36:49.519 --> 00:36:52.960
Here's the understanding in bringing somebody else in.
00:36:53.280 --> 00:37:21.599
I know already that if I ever get to get married again, more than likely, if that gentleman has children, and especially if he has daughters, that's going to be an issue now, whether it's a contentious issue or a smooth issue, but it's going to be an issue because girls are protective of their daddies.
00:37:21.840 --> 00:37:22.880
Yes, they are.
00:37:23.119 --> 00:37:26.960
Okay, and what are you coming in here with my daddy?
00:37:27.280 --> 00:37:30.480
Not thinking daddy's alone, daddy's lonely.
00:37:30.639 --> 00:37:33.440
He wants to be surrounded by more than just his grandkids.
00:37:33.599 --> 00:37:36.960
He loves his grandkids, but come on now, right?
00:37:37.360 --> 00:37:39.280
But they're not thinking about that.
00:37:40.079 --> 00:37:48.480
I have sons, okay, but my sons need to think about who is this, who's this dude?
00:37:48.880 --> 00:37:50.159
All up on my mama, like that.
00:37:50.480 --> 00:37:51.760
All up on my mama like that.
00:37:52.480 --> 00:37:56.719
Well, what you what you want, what's your what are your intentions, you know, with my mama?
00:37:56.800 --> 00:38:00.880
Because sons are protective of their mothers, exactly, right?
00:38:01.280 --> 00:38:03.440
And everybody's concerned about the will.
00:38:04.000 --> 00:38:17.519
Yep, everybody wants to know what piece of this house they're gonna get, and if you get insurance or any other assets or wherever, retirement, all of that, the beneficiaries want to know how we benefit.
00:38:18.079 --> 00:38:18.800
That's right.
00:38:19.039 --> 00:38:23.119
Now, are you thinking about the fact that your mama's by herself?
00:38:23.360 --> 00:38:26.559
Are you thinking about the fact that daddy's by himself?
00:38:26.880 --> 00:38:30.880
Wow, those things matter to mom and dad.
00:38:32.400 --> 00:38:43.519
I remember when I met James, my boys were elementary school, but I joined the dating service because I was sick of seeing movies made by Disney.
00:38:45.840 --> 00:38:49.679
Can I go to an adult movie?
00:38:50.320 --> 00:38:51.440
You know, right?
00:38:51.679 --> 00:38:55.519
Can I go someplace to eat that doesn't have hamburgers on the menu?
00:38:55.679 --> 00:38:56.719
How about that?
00:38:58.800 --> 00:39:06.400
All the time, hot dogs, chicken nuggets, all the time, menu, little pizza, right?
00:39:06.719 --> 00:39:21.119
You know, and so mom and dad are men and women, and they want that attention still, and you grown kids, you you got your attention.
00:39:22.159 --> 00:39:23.440
Why can't mama and daddy?
00:39:23.840 --> 00:39:25.440
Why can't mama have why can't mama?
00:39:25.679 --> 00:39:26.800
Why can't daddy?
00:39:27.119 --> 00:39:41.280
And it's interesting that you you bring that up because I think a lot of adult children don't realize that when their parents have desires to date again because their previous spouse has passed.
00:39:41.440 --> 00:39:42.480
They don't think about that.
00:39:42.559 --> 00:39:51.679
And I don't necessarily know if it's because it's a one-track mind or they're focused on their own lives, but again, God has designed all of us for relationships.
00:39:51.840 --> 00:40:11.519
Now, what types of relationships ultimately God knows best, whether those are friendships, whether that results in marriages or wherever, but we're all designed to crave desire relationships, yes, right, and I mean it just is that I get it.
00:40:12.480 --> 00:40:20.880
I know my sons, I have two sons, and I know I'm ready to have that sex talk, and they're pretty much like mama.
00:40:21.199 --> 00:40:24.800
As far as I'm concerned, you did that twice.
00:40:29.199 --> 00:40:34.480
I mean, y'all got look how get here, and I don't even want to think about that part, right?
00:40:36.079 --> 00:40:56.559
Right, your mama is a sexual being, daddy is a sexual being, and until I guess until it's not possible any longer, there's still gonna be those desires, and as believers, those desires can only be fulfilled in marriage.
00:40:57.519 --> 00:41:00.159
There's a lot to think about.
00:41:00.800 --> 00:41:12.480
I think God, like with James and I, we were I was in my mid-40s, and he was in his late 50s when we got married.
00:41:12.880 --> 00:41:20.480
We didn't have a long courtship because we're saying we ain't got a lot of time.
00:41:21.760 --> 00:41:44.400
Like when you're oh take a year, probably not, probably not, and then you do have a lot more wisdom, you do know how to cut through the you know, so when you finally get to somebody who you're talking to like that, you've talked through a lot, right?
00:41:44.880 --> 00:41:46.159
Well, why are you rushing?
00:41:46.480 --> 00:41:48.719
Why won't you take what honey?
00:41:49.119 --> 00:41:50.880
Do you know how old I am?
00:41:53.840 --> 00:42:00.880
But just like we started, you still want to be compatible, you still you want to pray about it.
00:42:01.039 --> 00:42:35.039
If ladies, if a man is not praying, if a man is not seriously saying to you, I prayed about this, and this is what I believe the Lord, not saying it just to get in your pants, but literally, but literally, he's saying, and you see the evidence in his life, you see his commitment to his church, you see his commitment to Bible study, you see his commitment to prayer.
00:42:35.280 --> 00:42:37.280
Listen to him pray.
00:42:39.039 --> 00:42:46.320
Listen, you can tell if he's talking to God or if he's trying to impress you.
00:42:47.039 --> 00:42:54.559
That's good, that's good because a man that truly spends times in this word in God's word will pray scriptures back to the Lord.
00:42:54.719 --> 00:42:59.840
He will he'll be praying the uh scriptures, he'll be praying the word, he will know how to pray it.
00:43:00.079 --> 00:43:04.480
He will know how to pray for you too in the spirit, in the spirit.
00:43:04.639 --> 00:43:14.000
See, my my dad used to, my dad was very, very quiet person, and he was a preacher, but at home, very quiet.
00:43:15.280 --> 00:43:18.719
And we would go around, we would share who prayed, right?
00:43:18.800 --> 00:43:19.679
For meals.
00:43:20.000 --> 00:43:24.320
We always ate dinner together, always, always, always like my whole life.
00:43:24.559 --> 00:43:29.599
And when it was daddy's turn to pray, you could hardly ever hear him.
00:43:29.840 --> 00:43:32.480
And we would say, Daddy, we couldn't hear you.
00:43:32.559 --> 00:43:40.639
And he would say, 'I'm not talking to you.' He's like, I wasn't talking to you.
00:43:40.800 --> 00:43:43.199
You didn't have to hear what I was saying.
00:43:46.559 --> 00:43:48.239
If I had pearls, I would clutch.
00:43:55.039 --> 00:43:56.559
Yeah, and it might be.
00:43:56.719 --> 00:43:59.760
I mean, it should be mixed with a little bit of him trying.
00:44:00.239 --> 00:44:01.599
Impress you or whatever, okay.
00:44:02.480 --> 00:44:03.199
Let's give him that.
00:44:03.360 --> 00:44:17.119
We'll give him that, but he ought to be actually talking to God when He prays, he ought to be bringing things to your remembrance.
00:44:17.360 --> 00:44:24.400
Maybe you are getting upset about something, and he should be bringing to your remembrance, right?
00:44:24.559 --> 00:44:31.199
That okay, let's pray about it, or something that is genuine, right?
00:44:31.760 --> 00:44:40.559
Okay, that's because you're you're wanting what are you praying about?
00:44:40.800 --> 00:44:41.920
Let's go there.
00:44:42.320 --> 00:45:07.119
I prayed for a Psalms one husband, and when I said prayed for, I wasn't praying that I would get him, I was praying for him because he was somewhere on the planet, and his wife should be of anybody should be praying for him exactly.
00:45:07.440 --> 00:45:23.679
Before I met him, I would be saying, Blessed is my husband, because my husband does not walk in the counsel of the young godly, and my husband doesn't stand in the way of sinners, and my husband doesn't seat it, sit in the seat of the scorpion.
00:45:23.920 --> 00:45:44.800
But my husband's delight is in the law of the Lord, and in his law, my husband dedicates day and night, and my husband is like a tree whose plant, but now I'm praying that over James, but I hadn't met James, right?
00:45:45.440 --> 00:46:16.000
Right, pick passages of scripture that you pray over your husband who exists because wherever he is, he's going through the vicissitudes of life as you are, and if you're praying for him, perhaps you're going to be able to release him from what he's going through so that he will be in the place to meet you when you meet.
00:46:16.159 --> 00:46:41.599
Oh, that's good, that's good, and you'll recognize him because you've been praying for him, and he'll say things to you, things will be in his spirit that he will say to you that you recognize because those were the things that you said to God's ears, and don't fall for anybody who's saying anything less, because that's not him.
00:46:43.039 --> 00:46:44.239
Say it, yeah.
00:46:44.400 --> 00:46:59.599
You're setting yourself up to be found by the man who's who God is sending, and it's easier said than done.
00:46:59.679 --> 00:47:06.320
Don't think that I'm just the I'm not the poster child, I'm trying to be, right?
00:47:07.119 --> 00:47:11.519
Because I haven't had to put this in, I haven't had to put this into play.
00:47:12.960 --> 00:47:16.719
But now I'm going back to remember, oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:47:17.039 --> 00:47:27.920
I used to do this or I used to do that, and I need to put those things back because they brought me, they brought me a wonderful husband.
00:47:28.400 --> 00:47:30.559
So I'm starting to see, okay, yeah.
00:47:30.800 --> 00:47:45.840
If you're doing like the dating apps or whatever, if somebody says in their little description something that doesn't click with you, X or swipe, or depending on which app you use, swipe left, whatever way.
00:47:46.159 --> 00:47:58.320
I'm not sure which one ever it was, but it whatever one and move on to the next one, just go ahead and and go to the next one and don't linger because that's when you start to second guess yourself.
00:47:58.800 --> 00:47:59.519
That's good.
00:48:00.559 --> 00:48:37.039
I told a girlfriend I was just so and I do, I get not often, but I was really feeling defeated because it was just things coming from everywhere, not just the relationship issues, but this issue and that issue and that issue, till I said to her, I don't even feel desirable, and she had to like she jumped down my throat, she was like, Cut it out.
00:48:37.760 --> 00:48:40.000
It was kind of like boom, boom, right?
00:48:40.480 --> 00:48:41.119
Right, right.
00:48:42.880 --> 00:48:44.239
What are you talking about?
00:48:44.719 --> 00:48:46.639
Like, shake yourself, right?
00:48:46.880 --> 00:48:52.000
That's why you have friends that you can honestly share.
00:48:52.159 --> 00:48:54.159
You know, people say, How are you?
00:48:54.800 --> 00:49:03.599
Be honest, don't stop saying, stop saying, you know, oh, I'm blessed and highly favored when you don't feel blessed and highly favored today.
00:49:03.840 --> 00:49:15.760
When you tore up from the flow up, yeah, say it, say it, and then you give them an opportunity to do what they're there for, right?
00:49:17.199 --> 00:49:20.880
And to kind of go, oh, okay, I forgot.
00:49:22.960 --> 00:49:24.559
I'm glad you brought up friends.
00:49:24.639 --> 00:49:28.000
I'm glad you brought that up because they're so important.
00:49:28.880 --> 00:49:30.880
We're getting close to our one-hour mark.
00:49:30.960 --> 00:49:33.280
I cannot believe how fast the time goes by.
00:49:33.840 --> 00:49:44.800
The Lord moved us in some other directions because I'm actually glad we had this conversation about dating, because dating is different for widows, especially women that are a bit older.
00:49:45.039 --> 00:49:55.599
Before we actually close this part of the segment, I wanted us to briefly talk about ways in which, and we'll have to do this in a couple of minutes, but ways in which the church can support widows.
00:49:55.760 --> 00:50:00.159
Because I really feel like I don't necessarily see that support in action.
00:50:00.239 --> 00:50:03.840
You may have a bereavement ministry, but I feel like it stops after that.
00:50:04.000 --> 00:50:05.920
I just feel like there's a gap.
00:50:06.239 --> 00:50:12.880
How can the church support or help widows in their seats?
00:50:13.519 --> 00:50:23.440
I think churches should have widows' groups separate from the women's fellowship.
00:50:27.039 --> 00:50:39.280
Because I know there was one time in particular that I expressed a prayer request, and it was just kind of brushed aside to me.
00:50:40.480 --> 00:50:43.360
It was kind of like, oh yeah, we all feel that way.
00:50:43.760 --> 00:50:44.239
Boom.
00:50:44.400 --> 00:50:45.599
Wait a minute.
00:50:47.199 --> 00:50:51.519
I'm saying I feel that way right now, right?
00:50:51.760 --> 00:50:52.079
Right.
00:50:52.480 --> 00:51:06.800
And I want, if I'm gonna, especially if I'm gonna express a request, I want it taken as seriously as any other request.
00:51:08.239 --> 00:51:12.400
Not, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you strong, you got this.
00:51:14.719 --> 00:51:16.079
Wait a minute.
00:51:17.920 --> 00:51:39.360
There must be times when widows can talk to each other, when widows can be heard by other people who will then take the next step.
00:51:39.519 --> 00:51:43.280
It's not enough just to be heard.
00:51:43.440 --> 00:51:44.159
It's like so.
00:51:44.239 --> 00:51:46.079
What are you gonna do about it?
00:51:47.119 --> 00:51:53.280
I mean, something as simple as if we don't have people to come over and fix something at the house.
00:51:53.519 --> 00:52:09.119
There needs to be a group of men at the church who we can call because number one, it better be someone we could trust to come into my home, someone who I know who they are.
00:52:09.519 --> 00:52:39.519
I mean, some those kinds of things need to be in place and through the church, and if widows, if they're having financial issues, just like the church would pay a single mother's rent for a month or whatever, the widows without judgment.
00:52:39.760 --> 00:52:42.480
So, for example, didn't your husband leave you enough?
00:52:43.840 --> 00:52:46.960
There's attitudes, there's stuff, okay?
00:52:48.880 --> 00:52:55.119
There's stuff, and so all of those things need to be able to be talked about, they need to be able to be covered.
00:52:55.280 --> 00:53:03.519
I think that's what the church was facing in the first century, neglecting the widows.
00:53:04.559 --> 00:53:06.480
And who did they put over it?
00:53:06.719 --> 00:53:14.800
They put men, important men in the church, not just somebody who came to volunteer.
00:53:15.840 --> 00:53:22.079
The leaders, they put leaders in charge of it.
00:53:23.360 --> 00:53:37.199
But widows have to have a voice, they must, they must be given a place for a voice, and then a voice that is heard and voices that are acted upon in their behalf.
00:53:38.719 --> 00:53:39.840
Oh, that's so good.
00:53:40.000 --> 00:53:40.719
That's so good.
00:53:40.880 --> 00:53:47.280
Doc, I think we need to we have to end it here, but I would actually like us to continue this conversation.
00:53:47.519 --> 00:53:50.000
Yes, we need to have our part three.
00:53:50.159 --> 00:54:08.239
We have to have our part three because I want us to talk some more about these widows, our widows group, like what that would actually look like, and what an actual ministry for our widows would look like, because I really feel that the body of Christ is not adequately equipped to minister to our widows.
00:54:08.400 --> 00:54:28.159
You know, we're supposed to go out in the highways and the hedges and to compel men to come, but how are we actually taking care of those in the body when we've got different scriptures that talk about we need to be rendering aid, get always treat with great consideration and give aid to those that are truly widowed who are solitary without support?
00:54:28.239 --> 00:54:30.639
That comes from 1 Timothy 5 and 3.
00:54:30.800 --> 00:54:34.800
We're ignoring a basic uh requirement in a scriptures.
00:54:34.880 --> 00:54:44.320
I definitely want us to come back and we'll definitely cover what we did not cover in this segment with the doc before we close out the segment.
00:54:44.480 --> 00:54:45.519
I know you have a book.
00:54:45.679 --> 00:54:51.119
Did you want to plug your book and say where people can find you if they want to learn more about you?
00:54:51.440 --> 00:54:56.800
The book for widows after him, a devotional journal for widows.
00:54:57.119 --> 00:54:59.199
And you can find me now.
00:54:59.280 --> 00:55:03.199
Of course, one of the issues I'm having is with my website, y'all.
00:55:03.760 --> 00:55:06.079
You can find me though on Instagram.
00:55:06.159 --> 00:55:10.000
I'm on Instagram, just at Dr.
00:55:10.079 --> 00:55:11.119
Sharon Elliott.
00:55:11.280 --> 00:55:12.559
You can find me there.
00:55:12.639 --> 00:55:15.679
Um, you can find me on Facebook.
00:55:16.239 --> 00:55:16.400
Okay.
00:55:16.719 --> 00:55:19.039
Um, I'm there as well.
00:55:19.440 --> 00:55:31.840
And then my email address is authorize me now at gmail.com if you want direct access to me.
00:55:32.000 --> 00:55:36.079
The books are also available, of course, on Amazon.
00:55:36.719 --> 00:55:41.199
Just look up my whole name, Sharon Norris Elliott.
00:55:41.440 --> 00:55:43.599
Okay, again, Dr.
00:55:43.760 --> 00:55:47.679
Sharon, we so appreciate you here at the Singles Oasis.
00:55:47.840 --> 00:55:49.840
We had such a great time.
00:55:50.079 --> 00:55:58.880
I'm so glad we were able to do part two, and I'm so looking forward to doing part three of our segment of Single Again.
00:55:59.039 --> 00:56:01.760
But again, we want to thank you for joining us tonight.
00:56:01.840 --> 00:56:04.800
We want to thank all of our viewers that are listening.
00:56:05.119 --> 00:56:17.280
Be on the lookout for updates on when we're gonna do our part three and also future segments, and just to let you all know that the Singles Oasis, we do our live streaming segments every other Wednesday.
00:56:17.519 --> 00:56:21.519
We will let you know what's in store on the 22nd.
00:56:21.760 --> 00:56:32.000
We'll also let you know about segments that will be scheduled in between because I'm gonna start scheduling some segments where it'll be just me talking about various topics.
00:56:32.239 --> 00:56:34.079
Again, you can find us on YouTube.
00:56:34.159 --> 00:56:36.719
The Singles Oasis has a YouTube page.
00:56:37.039 --> 00:56:42.719
You can follow me on Facebook at Mary Bowen, where you see the live streams for the Singles Oasis.
00:56:42.800 --> 00:56:50.400
You can also listen to us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, iHeart Music, and anywhere you stream your podcast.
00:56:50.559 --> 00:56:53.920
Again, we want to thank you all for tuning in and listening tonight.
00:56:54.079 --> 00:56:56.719
Again, special shout out and special thank you, Dr.
00:56:56.800 --> 00:57:02.480
Sharon, for a wonderful single again part two segment.
00:57:02.639 --> 00:57:03.599
God bless you all.
00:57:03.760 --> 00:57:07.119
We love you with the love of the Lord, and we'll see you later this month.
