WEBVTT
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Hey friends.
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Hi.
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Hi.
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Hey everybody.
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How are y'all?
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Doing good.
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Jennifer, how's the first week of school?
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It is going good.
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It's nice having a routine, I will say.
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Everybody thrives on routine, so that's been really good.
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Okay, y'all.
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I want to go back to something Courtney said on a previous episode because I have been thinking about it ever since.
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Oh my gosh.
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What was that?
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I was gonna say, what did she say?
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We are not sure.
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You were talking about triggers and you said some.
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I could have said anything.
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I'm from the South.
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Do you even know?
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No, seriously, you were talking about triggers and you said something along the lines of how our triggers are trying to tell us something.
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Do you remember saying that?
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Mm-hmm.
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And I love that because most of us think that triggers are the enemy.
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Like, I shouldn't be triggered by this.
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Why does this bother me?
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I need to get over this.
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And I've been thinking, what if that's the wrong way to look at it?
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Yeah, like the trigger itself might not actually be the problem.
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Exactly.
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Yeah.
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I had this visual come up to me.
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Imagine you're out on the water and there's a buoy floating there.
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The buoy is bouncing around the surface.
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And is that what you call that thing that's on the water?
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Is it buoy or buoy?
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We say buoy.
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Buoy.
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Okay, yeah.
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That's what I'm picturing.
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Yeah.
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Oh, I love this.
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I love that.
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All right.
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It's bouncing around the surface, and the buoy isn't itself necessarily the dangerous thing.
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It's telling you that there's something under the water that's there, either an anchor or something else that it's trying to alert you of.
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That's the point of it.
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And I started thinking, what if our triggers are the buoy?
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That's really, really good.
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Because the thing we're experiencing, the anger, the anxiety, the irritation, that's what's floating on the surface.
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But maybe underneath it's something else.
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Like a fear, a belief, an old story, something we've experienced before.
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Exactly.
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And the trigger is basically saying, hey, there's something there.
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Look at me.
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Look at me.
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Exactly.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, yeah.
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So let's be honest, what are some things that trigger you?
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My kids throwing pillows on the floor.
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That's like especially like the the couch kind that are supposed to be pretty.
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That I mean, it has a point on the couch, but also like you're gonna put your head on that.
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Why are we putting it on the floor?
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Why are we stepping on it?
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Major trigger.
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What about you just we're I'm very guilty of that.
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That's right.
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I mean, there's so many things that can trigger me.
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It could be something super simple, but I would say getting behind stuck behind somebody who is going very slow driving because I always feel like I'm in a rush and I need to get to the next place.
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So I'm always like, what are they doing?
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Why can't they just speed up?
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What are they doing?
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Well, Jennifer, don't come to the sound.
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Yeah.
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I was like, that is definitely a trigger for me.
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Why do people drive slow?
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Everything's slower.
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Everything's a little bit slower around here.
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I didn't survive.
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I know.
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I know.
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Mine is kind of silly, but when somebody says per my last email, which I do it.
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I do it.
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My own trigger.
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Wait, why does that trigger you?
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Okay, per your last email.
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I get it.
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I get it.
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Oh, you're thinking you're reading it like I said.
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That's how you're reading it.
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Exactly.
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So funny.
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Okay, now I've got a new trigger.
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That's good.
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It is so true.
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Because I do it too, but it is really annoying.
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See below.
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See below.
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Keep scrolling your body.
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That's so funny.
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Screenshot per my text above.
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Send the screenshot.
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Who is also guilty of that?
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Yeah.
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I do.
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Same.
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But what about the things that trigger you where you're like, why did I react that strongly?
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Like, like you ever do something and you think back on it, it's like, ooh, where did that come from?
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Like, I'm so guilty of this all the time.
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That's the doorway into the deeper conversation.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And I feel like for me, it's it's small things like the purr, your last email, but in in the grand screen things like in a real estate transaction, the the smallest little things with the other agent will trigger me if if if I if I'm not getting the response that I feel like I should, you know?
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And I'm like, wait a minute, this this is me.
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This I have to take a step back and say, why is this triggering me?
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Because that's her reaction or his reaction.
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They're allowed to feel that way.
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So yeah, that's that's something that you know happens all the time in this business.
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But I was gonna say, when it comes to real estate, it's really easy to like get triggered because you know how you would respond or react.
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But to your point, not everybody around you is gonna do the same thing you would do or handle it the way you would.
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And so I think, you know, like one thing is like if an agent doesn't respond right away, we know we're out, we're we're all doing the same things, but we also get frustrated, like, why haven't they responded yet?
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Where are they?
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Like, what are they doing?
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So I think, and I think that is probably really relatable to all areas, right?
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Like people work in, like you're waiting on a response, or somebody doesn't handle something the way you would.
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You tend to like get frustrated with like, oh, why didn't they do X, Y, and Z?
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But you have to like bring yourself back, right?
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To to ground yourself to know like they're not you, they're not gonna respond the way you would.
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Everybody's got different things going on in their lives, right?
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That ri allow them to respond in a different manner.
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Right.
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Our fectations play so much into that.
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And and then, you know, or if it's a client not responding or something, you're creating an entire Netflix series in your head of why.
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Why are they not responding?
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What's going on?
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What is going on?
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Do they have another offer?
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Are they waiting for a better offer?
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Or you know, yeah.
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What are they doing?
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Yeah, exactly.
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Right.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, especially when you submit an offer, right?
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Because you're you're carrying the load for your clients.
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Your clients want to know what's going on, and sometimes, you know, they're dragging their feet, they're waiting for better offers, and you don't necessarily you don't know, right?
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So you don't want to like jump the gun and share that with your clients, but yet at the same time, it just creates a lot of anxiety, right?
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Exactly.
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So then we should ask what's actually happening here.
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Maybe the trigger is uncertainty, maybe rejection, maybe abandonment, maybe the need for control.
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Maybe absolutely nothing is wrong and you're simply having a stressful week.
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The important thing is to get curious when y'all agree about what's happening.
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Totally agree.
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Yep.
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And and why and and get curious of why did this hit me so hard?
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And not why am I like this?
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You know, not put that shame on yourself, but actually say, why is this triggering me?
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Why did this hit me so hard?
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What's deeper?
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Yes.
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This is where the the you know, we can actually ask the good questions and find out a little bit about ourselves.
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So next time when it happens, we have more self-awareness and not, you know, casting the blame or or throwing it back on the other probably innocent party.
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Yep, right, because sometimes the reaction is giving you information about yourself, and that doesn't mean your reaction is silly or stupid.
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It doesn't mean that you're broken broken, it just means there's something underneath the surface.
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Right, right.
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Do you think that like this teaches us something about ourselves and everybody else involved?
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Like, do you think this teaches us like, wow, like you said, wow, we had a stressful day.
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You know, maybe I'm just overreacting because of all the other stress that's on my shoulders.
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Or, you know, maybe you know, you're you're criticizing somebody, but it really is like reasonable, right?
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Say they're waiting, you know, maybe it's only been a couple of hours, but you're criticizing them for not responding within an hour.
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Or maybe you're making assumptions.
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We do that a lot too, right?
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We make assumptions where we think there are multiple offers or they're gonna, you know, that they're doing something sly on the other side when in reality maybe they're just waiting to hear back from their seller.
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Yep.
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Yes, and have you ever made an assumption and then take your impulsive nature takes over and you send it a text based on that assumption, and then it was never the thing.
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Right.
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Like at all, it wasn't even a thing.
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And it you may oh my gosh, I have done that a couple times, and it's so embarrassing.
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It makes me think how important this whole nervous system work is.
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If we were to translate something into something bigger than it is, if we were to allow a trigger to make us react that way, the biggest lesson I think is just because all of it, there's different reasons, you know, there's a thousand reasons under the sun that could cause it that way.
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But the important thing that kind of umbrellas it is to notice the nervous system state that we're in.
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Because no matter the cause, just to be conscious of, ooh, I acted really impulsively right there.
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I need to come out of my fight or flight quickly before I embarrass myself again.
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You know, it makes it that much more important and meaningful to do the work of nervous system regulation.
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Mm-hmm.
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Mm-hmm.
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And sometimes the actual trigger isn't even the event, it's what we immediately make the event mean, which like in the in when a client doesn't respond, they don't like me.
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They found another realtor.
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I did something wrong.
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You know, you create you create all these stories in your head, and another agent gets a listing.
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I'm behind, I'm not good enough, they're better than me.
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So we could go on and yeah, we have 7,000 triggers a day in real estate.
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So and you just play these stories in your mind.
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So what do you do?
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What do you personally do whenever you've noticed yourself being triggered?
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Jennifer, what do you do?
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So I I know I always I try to take a step back, right?
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I take a step back, I try to look at the situation, I try to reevaluate where I'm at, tell myself, I always remember like story follow state, right?
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So am I telling myself a story or is it fact?
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And really just try to like ground myself on what actually is happening, not versus the stories that I'm making up in my head.
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I love that story follow state.
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Emily says that a bunch.
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Tell me what that means.
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Meaning we create these stories and then our the way we act is based on that story we're telling ourselves versus actually saying, is that truth?
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We make assumptions.
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You mean nervous system state?
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Yeah, yeah.
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Like it follows the state of of how you act and how you're reacting, I should say.
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I think at the end of the day, you need to, you know, not re-evaluate what you're telling yourself, right?
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And understand if that is in fact or fiction.
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Are you telling yourself a story?
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Are you making that up because of X, Y, and Z?
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Or are you is it true?
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Did you hear, you know, like you didn't get a listing?
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Did you hear that from the seller that you didn't get it, or are you just making it up because they haven't responded to you yet?
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Yeah, Jennifer, that is so good.
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Story follows state.
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Just that self-awareness is everything.
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Then you know which regulation tool that you need to go and do.
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You know, which which one you need to, if you need to go and get active if you're feeling a little bit dorsal, or if you need to take a chill pill, go for a walk, have some silence if you are in the the fight or flight state.
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Right.
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Yep.
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Oh god.
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No, I was just gonna say the trigger is the data, not direction.
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Yes.
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That's so good.
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That's a t-shirt.
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That is a t-shirt.
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That I need my whole family to wear, actually.
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I love that.
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That's so good.
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What do you mean by that, Courtney?
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Just because something activates you doesn't mean the feeling gets to decide what happens next.
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You do, you know?
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And and through this regulation work, that's you know, we're working on this every day.
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So I think a lot of anxiety is created based on stories we tell ourselves and worrying about the future.
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Right?
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So going back to the example of assuming we didn't get the listing, even though we didn't truthfully hear that from the seller yet or the potential seller yet, that creates all this anxiety.
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Oh my god, I didn't get that, and that's and now I'm not gonna have income, and that you know, like you just like and then it spirals, and then you're in this there goes your state, right?
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You're in this crash mode, and you gotta figure out how to get yourself out of it.
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So I think it's really powerful.
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It's so true.
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I have the perfect example of this.
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I was which has nothing to do with real estate, besides the fact that one of our contracts fell apart the day that this happened, so maybe it does have to do with real estate.
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But we were on our way to school, and the nine-year-old Louie, he says, Ma, we need to on your way to the car writer line to pick me up.
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Can you stop at Dollar General and get a bottle of water?
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And instantly I was like, you have a bottle of water you can fill up, like it's a it's a reusable, that's how it works.
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So, like my whole sarcasm went into I didn't say any of this to him, thankfully.
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Like I got sarcastic in my head.
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I mean, I'm like, these kids are always making me spend money, that it went in my head, like all the things were on going in my head.
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And I was like, Louie, why you have a bottle of water?
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And do you know what he said?
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He said that the crossing guard police guy that directs traffic after school, he looks so hot because it's over 100 degrees at that time, and I think he could use a bottle of water.
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I was like, Oh my gosh.
00:15:19.590 --> 00:15:32.870
If that is not what you were just saying, story follow state, here I am stressing about finances, stressing about material things, like you know, like I had the wrong story in my head about what my son was wanting to do.
00:15:32.950 --> 00:15:37.830
I mean, it proves that he's you know, my kids are a better person than me, which just proof story.
00:15:37.990 --> 00:15:41.110
I was like, wow, C T F A R, right?
00:15:41.269 --> 00:15:48.150
Yeah, circumstance, neutral, the thought that follows it is your choice.
00:15:48.310 --> 00:15:56.710
Like I could have chose to think that my son is the awesome kid that he is, but instead I chose to go with my fear and other thoughts that happened.
00:15:56.950 --> 00:16:06.230
Therefore, my feelings around it, CTF, were not kind, then the actions weren't kind, then the result like it triggered all the way down.
00:16:06.470 --> 00:16:07.190
It's really crazy.
00:16:07.590 --> 00:16:07.750
So good.
00:16:08.150 --> 00:16:08.550
So good.
00:16:08.710 --> 00:16:09.110
So good.
00:16:09.990 --> 00:16:10.790
That is awesome.
00:16:10.870 --> 00:16:13.590
And and just sometimes naming it changes everything.
00:16:13.750 --> 00:16:16.710
So yeah, I uh I love this.
00:16:16.870 --> 00:16:27.430
So I love this short and sweet episode we're doing today, girls, but I think the main point to take with you, all of our friends out there, is the trigger is the data, not direction.
00:16:27.670 --> 00:16:35.590
So next time you are triggered, take a step back, take a deep breath, and dive a little deeper.
00:16:35.910 --> 00:16:37.350
And Emily's here.
00:16:37.670 --> 00:16:40.790
Perfect segue into our next episode.
00:16:41.350 --> 00:16:42.150
So stay tuned.
00:16:42.470 --> 00:16:44.629
Literally, I just heard take a deep breath when I entered.
00:16:44.710 --> 00:16:46.950
I was like, Take a deep breath.
00:00:36.950 --> 00:00:38.070
Hey friends.
00:00:38.390 --> 00:00:38.710
Hi.
00:00:39.189 --> 00:00:39.350
Hi.
00:00:39.990 --> 00:00:41.030
Hey everybody.
00:00:41.590 --> 00:00:42.549
How are y'all?
00:00:42.870 --> 00:00:44.230
Doing good.
00:00:45.670 --> 00:00:48.149
Jennifer, how's the first week of school?
00:00:48.469 --> 00:00:49.909
It is going good.
00:00:50.070 --> 00:00:52.149
It's nice having a routine, I will say.
00:00:52.950 --> 00:00:55.429
Everybody thrives on routine, so that's been really good.
00:00:55.670 --> 00:00:56.230
Okay, y'all.
00:00:56.310 --> 00:01:01.750
I want to go back to something Courtney said on a previous episode because I have been thinking about it ever since.
00:01:01.990 --> 00:01:02.789
Oh my gosh.
00:01:02.950 --> 00:01:03.909
What was that?
00:01:04.150 --> 00:01:06.230
I was gonna say, what did she say?
00:01:06.870 --> 00:01:07.510
We are not sure.
00:01:07.909 --> 00:01:10.230
You were talking about triggers and you said some.
00:01:12.870 --> 00:01:14.150
I could have said anything.
00:01:14.230 --> 00:01:15.030
I'm from the South.
00:01:15.109 --> 00:01:16.069
Do you even know?
00:01:17.909 --> 00:01:25.030
No, seriously, you were talking about triggers and you said something along the lines of how our triggers are trying to tell us something.
00:01:25.349 --> 00:01:26.550
Do you remember saying that?
00:01:26.710 --> 00:01:27.189
Mm-hmm.
00:01:27.670 --> 00:01:31.349
And I love that because most of us think that triggers are the enemy.
00:01:31.430 --> 00:01:32.870
Like, I shouldn't be triggered by this.
00:01:32.950 --> 00:01:34.069
Why does this bother me?
00:01:34.150 --> 00:01:35.270
I need to get over this.
00:01:35.430 --> 00:01:39.430
And I've been thinking, what if that's the wrong way to look at it?
00:01:39.909 --> 00:01:44.310
Yeah, like the trigger itself might not actually be the problem.
00:01:44.789 --> 00:01:45.430
Exactly.
00:01:45.669 --> 00:01:45.990
Yeah.
00:01:46.229 --> 00:01:47.909
I had this visual come up to me.
00:01:48.069 --> 00:01:51.669
Imagine you're out on the water and there's a buoy floating there.
00:01:52.069 --> 00:01:54.469
The buoy is bouncing around the surface.
00:01:54.550 --> 00:01:56.550
And is that what you call that thing that's on the water?
00:01:56.629 --> 00:01:57.909
Is it buoy or buoy?
00:01:58.550 --> 00:01:59.270
We say buoy.
00:01:59.509 --> 00:01:59.909
Buoy.
00:01:59.990 --> 00:02:00.310
Okay, yeah.
00:02:01.110 --> 00:02:01.990
That's what I'm picturing.
00:02:02.150 --> 00:02:02.390
Yeah.
00:02:02.710 --> 00:02:04.069
Oh, I love this.
00:02:04.150 --> 00:02:04.469
I love that.
00:02:05.909 --> 00:02:06.310
All right.
00:02:06.789 --> 00:02:12.069
It's bouncing around the surface, and the buoy isn't itself necessarily the dangerous thing.
00:02:12.229 --> 00:02:18.789
It's telling you that there's something under the water that's there, either an anchor or something else that it's trying to alert you of.
00:02:18.870 --> 00:02:19.909
That's the point of it.
00:02:20.789 --> 00:02:24.870
And I started thinking, what if our triggers are the buoy?
00:02:25.270 --> 00:02:26.949
That's really, really good.
00:02:27.349 --> 00:02:33.189
Because the thing we're experiencing, the anger, the anxiety, the irritation, that's what's floating on the surface.
00:02:33.270 --> 00:02:36.469
But maybe underneath it's something else.
00:02:36.870 --> 00:02:42.229
Like a fear, a belief, an old story, something we've experienced before.
00:02:42.469 --> 00:02:43.030
Exactly.
00:02:43.189 --> 00:02:47.349
And the trigger is basically saying, hey, there's something there.
00:02:49.189 --> 00:02:50.230
Look at me.
00:02:50.710 --> 00:02:51.590
Look at me.
00:02:53.349 --> 00:02:54.070
Exactly.
00:02:54.230 --> 00:02:54.790
Yeah.
00:02:55.030 --> 00:02:55.909
Yeah, yeah.
00:02:56.310 --> 00:02:59.670
So let's be honest, what are some things that trigger you?
00:03:00.150 --> 00:03:02.390
My kids throwing pillows on the floor.
00:03:02.710 --> 00:03:07.830
That's like especially like the the couch kind that are supposed to be pretty.
00:03:08.070 --> 00:03:12.710
That I mean, it has a point on the couch, but also like you're gonna put your head on that.
00:03:12.870 --> 00:03:14.629
Why are we putting it on the floor?
00:03:14.790 --> 00:03:16.150
Why are we stepping on it?
00:03:16.390 --> 00:03:17.030
Major trigger.
00:03:17.189 --> 00:03:20.230
What about you just we're I'm very guilty of that.
00:03:23.030 --> 00:03:23.830
That's right.
00:03:23.990 --> 00:03:27.110
I mean, there's so many things that can trigger me.
00:03:27.270 --> 00:03:38.870
It could be something super simple, but I would say getting behind stuck behind somebody who is going very slow driving because I always feel like I'm in a rush and I need to get to the next place.
00:03:39.110 --> 00:03:40.950
So I'm always like, what are they doing?
00:03:41.110 --> 00:03:42.629
Why can't they just speed up?
00:03:42.710 --> 00:03:43.430
What are they doing?
00:03:43.750 --> 00:03:45.189
Well, Jennifer, don't come to the sound.
00:03:46.550 --> 00:03:46.870
Yeah.
00:03:47.110 --> 00:03:49.909
I was like, that is definitely a trigger for me.
00:03:51.510 --> 00:03:53.189
Why do people drive slow?
00:03:54.150 --> 00:03:55.030
Everything's slower.
00:03:55.270 --> 00:03:56.710
Everything's a little bit slower around here.
00:03:56.950 --> 00:03:57.830
I didn't survive.
00:03:58.390 --> 00:03:58.790
I know.
00:03:59.030 --> 00:03:59.510
I know.
00:03:59.750 --> 00:04:04.950
Mine is kind of silly, but when somebody says per my last email, which I do it.
00:04:05.030 --> 00:04:05.750
I do it.
00:04:06.070 --> 00:04:07.030
My own trigger.
00:04:07.270 --> 00:04:08.870
Wait, why does that trigger you?
00:04:10.790 --> 00:04:12.469
Okay, per your last email.
00:04:12.629 --> 00:04:13.110
I get it.
00:04:13.270 --> 00:04:13.990
I get it.
00:04:14.230 --> 00:04:17.430
Oh, you're thinking you're reading it like I said.
00:04:17.909 --> 00:04:18.870
That's how you're reading it.
00:04:19.430 --> 00:04:19.829
Exactly.
00:04:20.550 --> 00:04:21.269
So funny.
00:04:21.430 --> 00:04:22.870
Okay, now I've got a new trigger.
00:04:22.949 --> 00:04:23.349
That's good.
00:04:24.310 --> 00:04:25.269
It is so true.
00:04:25.349 --> 00:04:27.589
Because I do it too, but it is really annoying.
00:04:29.430 --> 00:04:30.469
See below.
00:04:30.790 --> 00:04:31.990
See below.
00:04:32.310 --> 00:04:34.230
Keep scrolling your body.
00:04:34.870 --> 00:04:36.069
That's so funny.
00:04:36.550 --> 00:04:39.189
Screenshot per my text above.
00:04:39.750 --> 00:04:40.709
Send the screenshot.
00:04:41.029 --> 00:04:42.310
Who is also guilty of that?
00:04:42.550 --> 00:04:42.790
Yeah.
00:04:43.110 --> 00:04:43.589
I do.
00:04:43.909 --> 00:04:44.310
Same.
00:04:45.430 --> 00:04:52.709
But what about the things that trigger you where you're like, why did I react that strongly?
00:04:53.109 --> 00:04:58.709
Like, like you ever do something and you think back on it, it's like, ooh, where did that come from?
00:04:58.870 --> 00:05:01.189
Like, I'm so guilty of this all the time.
00:05:01.349 --> 00:05:04.789
That's the doorway into the deeper conversation.
00:05:05.189 --> 00:05:05.509
Yeah.
00:05:05.669 --> 00:05:05.989
Yeah.
00:05:07.109 --> 00:05:26.149
And I feel like for me, it's it's small things like the purr, your last email, but in in the grand screen things like in a real estate transaction, the the smallest little things with the other agent will trigger me if if if I if I'm not getting the response that I feel like I should, you know?
00:05:26.469 --> 00:05:28.870
And I'm like, wait a minute, this this is me.
00:05:28.949 --> 00:05:32.389
This I have to take a step back and say, why is this triggering me?
00:05:32.709 --> 00:05:35.109
Because that's her reaction or his reaction.
00:05:35.189 --> 00:05:36.870
They're allowed to feel that way.
00:05:37.109 --> 00:05:41.189
So yeah, that's that's something that you know happens all the time in this business.
00:05:41.349 --> 00:05:50.870
But I was gonna say, when it comes to real estate, it's really easy to like get triggered because you know how you would respond or react.
00:05:50.949 --> 00:05:55.989
But to your point, not everybody around you is gonna do the same thing you would do or handle it the way you would.
00:05:56.229 --> 00:06:05.989
And so I think, you know, like one thing is like if an agent doesn't respond right away, we know we're out, we're we're all doing the same things, but we also get frustrated, like, why haven't they responded yet?
00:06:06.229 --> 00:06:06.789
Where are they?
00:06:06.949 --> 00:06:07.989
Like, what are they doing?
00:06:08.149 --> 00:06:13.109
So I think, and I think that is probably really relatable to all areas, right?
00:06:13.269 --> 00:06:19.349
Like people work in, like you're waiting on a response, or somebody doesn't handle something the way you would.
00:06:19.509 --> 00:06:23.669
You tend to like get frustrated with like, oh, why didn't they do X, Y, and Z?
00:06:23.750 --> 00:06:25.909
But you have to like bring yourself back, right?
00:06:26.069 --> 00:06:31.269
To to ground yourself to know like they're not you, they're not gonna respond the way you would.
00:06:31.430 --> 00:06:34.229
Everybody's got different things going on in their lives, right?
00:06:34.389 --> 00:06:37.269
That ri allow them to respond in a different manner.
00:06:37.509 --> 00:06:37.669
Right.
00:06:37.989 --> 00:06:41.669
Our fectations play so much into that.
00:06:41.989 --> 00:06:49.189
And and then, you know, or if it's a client not responding or something, you're creating an entire Netflix series in your head of why.
00:06:49.989 --> 00:06:51.349
Why are they not responding?
00:06:51.509 --> 00:06:52.709
What's going on?
00:06:53.269 --> 00:06:54.229
What is going on?
00:06:54.629 --> 00:06:55.589
Do they have another offer?
00:06:55.669 --> 00:06:57.109
Are they waiting for a better offer?
00:06:57.509 --> 00:06:58.549
Or you know, yeah.
00:06:58.709 --> 00:06:59.509
What are they doing?
00:06:59.669 --> 00:07:00.469
Yeah, exactly.
00:07:01.189 --> 00:07:01.750
Right.
00:07:01.989 --> 00:07:02.229
Yeah.
00:07:02.549 --> 00:07:05.109
Yeah, especially when you submit an offer, right?
00:07:05.269 --> 00:07:08.069
Because you're you're carrying the load for your clients.
00:07:08.229 --> 00:07:18.709
Your clients want to know what's going on, and sometimes, you know, they're dragging their feet, they're waiting for better offers, and you don't necessarily you don't know, right?
00:07:18.789 --> 00:07:25.430
So you don't want to like jump the gun and share that with your clients, but yet at the same time, it just creates a lot of anxiety, right?
00:07:25.750 --> 00:07:26.709
Exactly.
00:07:26.949 --> 00:07:30.789
So then we should ask what's actually happening here.
00:07:31.029 --> 00:07:38.789
Maybe the trigger is uncertainty, maybe rejection, maybe abandonment, maybe the need for control.
00:07:39.029 --> 00:07:42.870
Maybe absolutely nothing is wrong and you're simply having a stressful week.
00:07:43.109 --> 00:07:47.349
The important thing is to get curious when y'all agree about what's happening.
00:07:47.829 --> 00:07:48.709
Totally agree.
00:07:50.789 --> 00:07:51.189
Yep.
00:07:51.750 --> 00:07:55.989
And and why and and get curious of why did this hit me so hard?
00:07:57.430 --> 00:07:59.909
And not why am I like this?
00:08:00.310 --> 00:08:06.310
You know, not put that shame on yourself, but actually say, why is this triggering me?
00:08:06.469 --> 00:08:07.750
Why did this hit me so hard?
00:08:07.829 --> 00:08:09.029
What's deeper?
00:08:09.669 --> 00:08:10.310
Yes.
00:08:10.629 --> 00:08:15.589
This is where the the you know, we can actually ask the good questions and find out a little bit about ourselves.
00:08:15.669 --> 00:08:25.269
So next time when it happens, we have more self-awareness and not, you know, casting the blame or or throwing it back on the other probably innocent party.
00:08:25.589 --> 00:08:34.629
Yep, right, because sometimes the reaction is giving you information about yourself, and that doesn't mean your reaction is silly or stupid.
00:08:34.870 --> 00:08:40.230
It doesn't mean that you're broken broken, it just means there's something underneath the surface.
00:08:41.509 --> 00:08:42.629
Right, right.
00:08:43.110 --> 00:08:48.629
Do you think that like this teaches us something about ourselves and everybody else involved?
00:08:48.789 --> 00:08:53.669
Like, do you think this teaches us like, wow, like you said, wow, we had a stressful day.
00:08:53.909 --> 00:08:59.029
You know, maybe I'm just overreacting because of all the other stress that's on my shoulders.
00:08:59.269 --> 00:09:06.789
Or, you know, maybe you know, you're you're criticizing somebody, but it really is like reasonable, right?
00:09:06.950 --> 00:09:12.550
Say they're waiting, you know, maybe it's only been a couple of hours, but you're criticizing them for not responding within an hour.
00:09:12.790 --> 00:09:14.950
Or maybe you're making assumptions.
00:09:15.110 --> 00:09:16.470
We do that a lot too, right?
00:09:16.710 --> 00:09:27.509
We make assumptions where we think there are multiple offers or they're gonna, you know, that they're doing something sly on the other side when in reality maybe they're just waiting to hear back from their seller.
00:09:27.750 --> 00:09:27.910
Yep.
00:09:28.150 --> 00:09:39.190
Yes, and have you ever made an assumption and then take your impulsive nature takes over and you send it a text based on that assumption, and then it was never the thing.
00:09:39.750 --> 00:09:39.990
Right.
00:09:40.230 --> 00:09:41.990
Like at all, it wasn't even a thing.
00:09:42.070 --> 00:09:47.430
And it you may oh my gosh, I have done that a couple times, and it's so embarrassing.
00:09:47.590 --> 00:09:51.269
It makes me think how important this whole nervous system work is.
00:09:51.830 --> 00:10:08.790
If we were to translate something into something bigger than it is, if we were to allow a trigger to make us react that way, the biggest lesson I think is just because all of it, there's different reasons, you know, there's a thousand reasons under the sun that could cause it that way.
00:10:09.030 --> 00:10:15.350
But the important thing that kind of umbrellas it is to notice the nervous system state that we're in.
00:10:15.509 --> 00:10:21.269
Because no matter the cause, just to be conscious of, ooh, I acted really impulsively right there.
00:10:21.430 --> 00:10:26.150
I need to come out of my fight or flight quickly before I embarrass myself again.
00:10:26.310 --> 00:10:35.269
You know, it makes it that much more important and meaningful to do the work of nervous system regulation.
00:10:35.830 --> 00:10:36.389
Mm-hmm.
00:10:36.550 --> 00:10:36.950
Mm-hmm.
00:10:37.190 --> 00:10:48.230
And sometimes the actual trigger isn't even the event, it's what we immediately make the event mean, which like in the in when a client doesn't respond, they don't like me.
00:10:48.470 --> 00:10:49.670
They found another realtor.
00:10:49.990 --> 00:10:50.950
I did something wrong.
00:10:51.110 --> 00:10:56.870
You know, you create you create all these stories in your head, and another agent gets a listing.
00:10:57.670 --> 00:11:00.550
I'm behind, I'm not good enough, they're better than me.
00:11:00.870 --> 00:11:07.190
So we could go on and yeah, we have 7,000 triggers a day in real estate.
00:11:07.430 --> 00:11:10.550
So and you just play these stories in your mind.
00:11:11.990 --> 00:11:12.710
So what do you do?
00:11:12.950 --> 00:11:17.110
What do you personally do whenever you've noticed yourself being triggered?
00:11:17.269 --> 00:11:18.870
Jennifer, what do you do?
00:11:19.509 --> 00:11:23.910
So I I know I always I try to take a step back, right?
00:11:24.070 --> 00:11:33.590
I take a step back, I try to look at the situation, I try to reevaluate where I'm at, tell myself, I always remember like story follow state, right?
00:11:33.670 --> 00:11:36.950
So am I telling myself a story or is it fact?
00:11:37.190 --> 00:11:43.430
And really just try to like ground myself on what actually is happening, not versus the stories that I'm making up in my head.
00:11:43.750 --> 00:11:45.590
I love that story follow state.
00:11:45.750 --> 00:11:46.790
Emily says that a bunch.
00:11:46.950 --> 00:11:47.830
Tell me what that means.
00:11:48.790 --> 00:11:59.990
Meaning we create these stories and then our the way we act is based on that story we're telling ourselves versus actually saying, is that truth?
00:12:01.350 --> 00:12:02.230
We make assumptions.
00:12:02.629 --> 00:12:04.310
You mean nervous system state?
00:12:04.550 --> 00:12:05.350
Yeah, yeah.
00:12:05.509 --> 00:12:10.470
Like it follows the state of of how you act and how you're reacting, I should say.
00:12:10.710 --> 00:12:18.150
I think at the end of the day, you need to, you know, not re-evaluate what you're telling yourself, right?
00:12:18.389 --> 00:12:22.710
And understand if that is in fact or fiction.
00:12:22.790 --> 00:12:24.310
Are you telling yourself a story?
00:12:24.470 --> 00:12:27.590
Are you making that up because of X, Y, and Z?
00:12:27.830 --> 00:12:30.150
Or are you is it true?
00:12:30.470 --> 00:12:32.710
Did you hear, you know, like you didn't get a listing?
00:12:32.870 --> 00:12:37.990
Did you hear that from the seller that you didn't get it, or are you just making it up because they haven't responded to you yet?
00:12:38.310 --> 00:12:40.150
Yeah, Jennifer, that is so good.
00:12:40.470 --> 00:12:42.070
Story follows state.
00:12:42.550 --> 00:12:44.550
Just that self-awareness is everything.
00:12:44.710 --> 00:12:49.110
Then you know which regulation tool that you need to go and do.
00:12:49.430 --> 00:13:02.230
You know, which which one you need to, if you need to go and get active if you're feeling a little bit dorsal, or if you need to take a chill pill, go for a walk, have some silence if you are in the the fight or flight state.
00:13:02.629 --> 00:13:02.870
Right.
00:13:04.230 --> 00:13:04.310
Yep.
00:13:04.790 --> 00:13:05.030
Oh god.
00:13:05.509 --> 00:13:08.790
No, I was just gonna say the trigger is the data, not direction.
00:13:10.310 --> 00:13:10.950
Yes.
00:13:11.590 --> 00:13:12.550
That's so good.
00:13:12.790 --> 00:13:14.310
That's a t-shirt.
00:13:15.990 --> 00:13:17.350
That is a t-shirt.
00:13:17.670 --> 00:13:20.230
That I need my whole family to wear, actually.
00:13:22.230 --> 00:13:23.509
I love that.
00:13:23.750 --> 00:13:24.629
That's so good.
00:13:24.950 --> 00:13:26.389
What do you mean by that, Courtney?
00:13:27.670 --> 00:13:32.550
Just because something activates you doesn't mean the feeling gets to decide what happens next.
00:13:32.870 --> 00:13:33.990
You do, you know?
00:13:34.070 --> 00:13:38.389
And and through this regulation work, that's you know, we're working on this every day.
00:13:38.629 --> 00:13:46.710
So I think a lot of anxiety is created based on stories we tell ourselves and worrying about the future.
00:13:47.110 --> 00:13:47.430
Right?
00:13:47.590 --> 00:13:58.310
So going back to the example of assuming we didn't get the listing, even though we didn't truthfully hear that from the seller yet or the potential seller yet, that creates all this anxiety.
00:13:58.470 --> 00:14:08.310
Oh my god, I didn't get that, and that's and now I'm not gonna have income, and that you know, like you just like and then it spirals, and then you're in this there goes your state, right?
00:14:08.389 --> 00:14:13.430
You're in this crash mode, and you gotta figure out how to get yourself out of it.
00:14:13.590 --> 00:14:16.070
So I think it's really powerful.
00:14:16.310 --> 00:14:17.110
It's so true.
00:14:17.269 --> 00:14:19.110
I have the perfect example of this.
00:14:19.350 --> 00:14:27.269
I was which has nothing to do with real estate, besides the fact that one of our contracts fell apart the day that this happened, so maybe it does have to do with real estate.
00:14:27.509 --> 00:14:35.509
But we were on our way to school, and the nine-year-old Louie, he says, Ma, we need to on your way to the car writer line to pick me up.
00:14:35.590 --> 00:14:38.230
Can you stop at Dollar General and get a bottle of water?
00:14:38.470 --> 00:14:48.310
And instantly I was like, you have a bottle of water you can fill up, like it's a it's a reusable, that's how it works.
00:14:48.550 --> 00:14:53.269
So, like my whole sarcasm went into I didn't say any of this to him, thankfully.
00:14:53.430 --> 00:14:55.110
Like I got sarcastic in my head.
00:14:55.190 --> 00:15:00.950
I mean, I'm like, these kids are always making me spend money, that it went in my head, like all the things were on going in my head.
00:15:01.110 --> 00:15:05.030
And I was like, Louie, why you have a bottle of water?
00:15:05.110 --> 00:15:06.550
And do you know what he said?
00:15:06.790 --> 00:15:16.150
He said that the crossing guard police guy that directs traffic after school, he looks so hot because it's over 100 degrees at that time, and I think he could use a bottle of water.
00:15:16.230 --> 00:15:19.110
I was like, Oh my gosh.
00:15:19.590 --> 00:15:32.870
If that is not what you were just saying, story follow state, here I am stressing about finances, stressing about material things, like you know, like I had the wrong story in my head about what my son was wanting to do.
00:15:32.950 --> 00:15:37.830
I mean, it proves that he's you know, my kids are a better person than me, which just proof story.
00:15:37.990 --> 00:15:41.110
I was like, wow, C T F A R, right?
00:15:41.269 --> 00:15:48.150
Yeah, circumstance, neutral, the thought that follows it is your choice.
00:15:48.310 --> 00:15:56.710
Like I could have chose to think that my son is the awesome kid that he is, but instead I chose to go with my fear and other thoughts that happened.
00:15:56.950 --> 00:16:06.230
Therefore, my feelings around it, CTF, were not kind, then the actions weren't kind, then the result like it triggered all the way down.
00:16:06.470 --> 00:16:07.190
It's really crazy.
00:16:07.590 --> 00:16:07.750
So good.
00:16:08.150 --> 00:16:08.550
So good.
00:16:08.710 --> 00:16:09.110
So good.
00:16:09.990 --> 00:16:10.790
That is awesome.
00:16:10.870 --> 00:16:13.590
And and just sometimes naming it changes everything.
00:16:13.750 --> 00:16:16.710
So yeah, I uh I love this.
00:16:16.870 --> 00:16:27.430
So I love this short and sweet episode we're doing today, girls, but I think the main point to take with you, all of our friends out there, is the trigger is the data, not direction.
00:16:27.670 --> 00:16:35.590
So next time you are triggered, take a step back, take a deep breath, and dive a little deeper.
00:16:35.910 --> 00:16:37.350
And Emily's here.
00:16:37.670 --> 00:16:40.790
Perfect segue into our next episode.
00:16:41.350 --> 00:16:42.150
So stay tuned.
00:16:42.470 --> 00:16:44.629
Literally, I just heard take a deep breath when I entered.
00:16:44.710 --> 00:16:46.950
I was like, Take a deep breath.
