Learning Not to Run: What Discomfort Is Teaching Me

Emma Bryant: Hello and welcome back to The Purposeful Shift. In today's episode, I'm talking about something I've noticed in myself, which is how quickly I want to run away from situations when they start to feel difficult or uncomfortable. A couple of recent experiences have made me question that reaction and think about whether sometimes I'm missing an opportunity to learn something about myself by trying to avoid the difficult bits. So over the last two days I have had a couple of experiences that have really made me think about how I respond when things get difficult for me. And they have both brought me back to a song that I've listened to loads of times in the past called Rise Up by an artist called Anise. It's one of those songs that I find really motivating, particularly when I'm exercising or I need a little pick-me-up or a dance break. but there's a line towards the end of the song that stays with me every time I hear it. And the line is, no one ever grows stronger escaping pain. And I've been thinking about that quite a lot, particularly when I consider my own tendency to avoid things that feel difficult or uncomfortable. So this morning I went swimming with a friend. We had arranged to train together because we knew that we would push each other harder. than we probably would if we were swimming on our own. We had a set, we challenged ourselves, we encouraged each other, and we kept going at points when we might have decided maybe to finish a little earlier if we'd swum on our own or that we'd just had enough. And I came away from the swim feeling really good about it. I'd had a lovely time, we'd had a good chat, we'd worked hard. And I also enjoyed knowing that I pushed myself that little bit harder than usual. hadn't just kind of plodded up and down, I'd actually lifted my heart rate and worked a bit harder. And having somebody there alongside me made a difference too. And what I found interesting afterwards was that we had deliberately chosen to make that session more difficult. My friend is training for an important competition and I would just like to be fitter. So we knew it was going to be hard work and that was the whole point of arranging to swim together. We both want to improve in different ways. And we knew that if we always swam at the same pace or on our own in a way that feels comfortable, obviously we're not going to make the progress that we would like. And then I started thinking about a conversation that I had had yesterday. I recorded an interview with a guest for the podcast and she shared some incredibly difficult experiences that she had been through in her lifetime. And I won't go into details because obviously I don't want you to hear. her story for me, I want you to hear her story when the episode comes out. But I was genuinely struck by the way that she had responded to everything that had happened to her. She had faced some situations that I can barely imagine. And somehow she had found ways to deal with them and keep moving forward. I came away from that conversation feeling in awe of her and inspired and just... thinking how incredible she was to keep facing those challenges and keep going back and keep pushing through because she had a clear vision and a clear goal. And I remember thinking that I don't think I would have done that if I had been in her situation. I don't know that I would have been able to cope with some of the things that she's experienced. Because if you ask me to describe myself in situations like that, I would say, and I did say when we spoke, that I am somebody who runs away from problems. I don't particularly like conflict. I don't like confrontation. I don't like difficult situations or when something feels overwhelming. My instinct is to try and find a way out of that situation or that environment. And I want the problem to go away. I want things to feel comfortable again. And I know that there are things that I have avoided over my lifetime simply because I didn't want to deal with how uncomfortable they might make me feel at the time. I can spend literally days worrying about something, putting it off and making it into this enormous problem in my head. And then when I eventually have to deal with that thing, I wonder why I didn't just do it sooner. And I've been thinking this morning about the contrast between those two experiences. So this morning I put myself willingly into a situation where I knew I was going to find things a little bit challenging. I wanted somebody there to push me beyond what I would normally do in the pool. But in other parts of my life, I can be very quick to look for a way around something that feels challenging. When I'm swimming, I'm choosing to challenge myself. I know what I'm getting into and if I've had enough, I can stop. But when something difficult happens in everyday life, something that I haven't necessarily chosen, and I can't then always decide when or if it's going to end. And when I think about some of the things that I have been through in my own life, and I certainly wouldn't have chosen them, there have of course been times when I have felt challenged, when I felt completely overwhelmed and had no idea how I'm going to deal with the thing that was happening, when it would end, how it was going to end. And listening to my guest yesterday, I realised that I was making quite a big assumption about myself in my generalisation that I'm somebody who always runs away. Because I was listening to everything that she had experienced and thinking, I don't know how I would have coped with that and I don't think I could have done what she has done. And then I forced myself to consider, well, how do I actually know that? Because I haven't been in that situation. but I have been through difficult things myself and I have had times when I have wanted to run away from everything, when I felt like I couldn't cope and yet somehow I still got through those things. And I'm sure when you listen to this, you'll have your own examples that come to mind of times when you had really difficult challenges that you've just had to push on through. And I guess it got me thinking that there's a difference between wanting to escape a difficult situation and actually being able or unable to deal with it. And I think that's something that I probably hadn't given much time or consideration to before. I also think it's really easy to look at somebody else's experiences and assume that they are somehow stronger or more resilient than we are. We hear about what people have been through and how they've managed to carry on. and we wonder, like I did, of whether we would be capable of doing the same if we were in their shoes. But we're comparing what somebody actually did with what we imagine we might do. And that's obviously not a particularly fair comparison because we really don't know how we would respond to something until we're faced with that situation. And even then, I don't think that when we're forced to cope with something, it always looks the way we imagined. that it might or should or would. And I think back to difficult periods in my own life, and I know I've shared some of them recently on the podcast, I haven't necessarily felt strong or capable in those moments. And I've worried and I've cried and I've wanted things to be different. I pleaded for things to be different and I've needed other people to help me get through. And there have been many times where I have felt like I was barely managing, but I was still dealing. with what was happening in that moment, even if it didn't feel like it at the time. And I've been reading a little bit around resilience today. And one thing I found encouraging that psychologists don't generally describe resilience as a fixed quality that some people have and other people don't. It's something that we can develop through experience and through learning different ways of dealing with challenges. and through the support that we receive from other people. And I found that quite reassuring because I think I've always imagined resilience as this ability to remain strong in the face of adversity and almost as if resilient people have some kind of special quality that allows them to deal with things without ever becoming overwhelmed. But the more I think about that, the less convinced I am that that's actually what resilience looks like. And I certainly wouldn't describe myself resilient when I think back to some of the hardest periods of my life. And yet I managed to somehow get through them. And of course I wouldn't have done it perfectly. I probably didn't always respond in the way that I wish I could have. And I've certainly made mistakes and I can't take things back. but I found ways of dealing with those situations and often with help from other people. And I guess my message to myself, to all of us is that maybe that's something that we need to give ourselves a little bit more credit for. And if I go back and think again about the lyrics of that song, it makes me think a little bit differently. I really like the message about not trying to escape pain or discomfort and I can see how it applies to things like training or learning new skills or doing something that challenges us. But I don't think we should necessarily interpret those lyrics as meaning that suffering is always necessary or that we should push ourselves through absolutely everything because of course there are situations where walking away is the right thing to do. There are times when we need to stop and rest or ask for help or recognise that something really isn't good for us. And I don't believe that we have to go through significant hardship in order to become better people or stronger people. What I'm really interested in when I think about this now is whether there are times when I have avoided something that I could actually have dealt with. Things that aren't harmful or beyond my capabilities, but that I just chose not to face. because they were uncomfortable for me. So an example might be a difficult conversation or making a decision that I have been putting off. And I can think of an example of each one of those right now that still going on in my life. moments where I have avoided trying something new because I knew there was a possibility I might fail. And if I keep avoiding those things, I'll never really get to find out how I might handle them Or what I might learn from them. And when I think about the things I enjoyed from swimming with my friend this morning, I had somebody with me who was encouraging me to push a little bit harder and I was doing the same for her. And there probably were moments when I would have eased off. I wouldn't have put quite as much effort in if I'd been swimming alone. But having that encouragement made me want to keep pushing. And afterwards, of course, we felt good about our swim and the effort that we'd put in. And that reminded me that I'm a bit of a loner. I like to be on my own, but I don't always have to approach difficult things on my own. I can ask somebody for help or for encouragement or simply just to be there whilst I work something out. And I think that's something that I would definitely like to get better at in other parts of my life. Rather than just assuming that I need to become somebody who tackles every single problem head on without hesitation, I would like to be a little bit more aware of where I am avoiding something and why. Because I know myself well enough to realise that I'm not suddenly going to become somebody Who enjoys difficult conversations or uncomfortable situations. I'm never going to love networking. for example, But I can get better at recognising when the thing that I'm avoiding might not be as bad as I imagine it to be. And my imagination does catastrophise a lot of things quite often. So I plan to remind myself that I have dealt with difficult things before, even when I didn't think I could. mainly because I've been forced into those situations, but it's still a reminder that I've got through, I've pushed through and come out the other side. So that's what's been on my mind today. a song that I love, a swimming session with a great friend and a conversation with... an incredible lady whose experiences really made me question the way that I think about myself yesterday. And I wonder whether you recognise any of this, whether any of it connects with you? Do you tend to face problems as they arise or are you maybe a little bit like me, perhaps you put things off or you worry about things and you hope that somehow they might resolve themselves? Is there something that you... might have been avoiding recently because you don't particularly want to deal with how it might make you feel. I think it's worth us being curious about that rather than immediately criticizing ourselves for how we're feeling or what we're doing. I think it's worth recognizing what it is that we're actually worried about. and if there is a genuine reason to step away or whether we might be anticipating something being much worse than it might actually turn out to be. And if it is something that we do want or we do need to face, what might make it a little bit easier? So for me, at swimming this morning, having somebody alongside me made all the difference. And I wonder whether there are situations where asking for a bit of support could certainly help me stop putting things off. And maybe it's the same for you too. I don't need to go looking for difficult experiences. and I'm sure you don't either. Life provides us with enough of those already. But I would like to stop assuming that I am somebody who cannot deal with them because when I actually look back at the evidence from my own life, I can challenge that and I know it's not true. We've all dealt with things that we never imagined that we would have to deal with and we all manage to get through periods when we genuinely don't know how things are going to work out. And I know myself that I will probably still want to run away sometimes. In fact, I'm pretty sure that it will happen often, but wanting to escape something doesn't necessarily mean that I'm incapable of facing it. And that's what I'm going to take away from these last couple of days. Thank you so much for joining me today and listening to this episode. I would love to know whether any of this resonated with you, particularly if you have ever surprised yourself. with how you have coped with something difficult. And if you would like more reflections like this, you can join my newsletter where I share the ideas, experiences and questions that I'm exploring through the podcast episodes. I will be back next week with another solo episode. I wish you a lovely day and I will speak to you again soon.