The Self-Reflection Deck

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I don't like that one.
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No, too much for you.
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No, stop messing with you.
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Okay, you got another one.
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Welcome to Strength and Recovery Podcast.
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We are sitting around the office, the alumni office at the St. Charles location today.
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And Henry, our alumni coordinator here, just pulled out a box of cards.
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So tell me what you're doing.
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Hey, Jay.
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These cards right here, I like to use these here as a tool.
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And how it works is, sometimes I share with our patients here at RCA.
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And how I start my mornings.
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And usually that is with reading of literature, prayer, meditation, and oftentimes, most times,
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inspirational music.
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And how I explain it is, those are just tools to get me in the right mindset for what I
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have to do.
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These cards about self-reflection.
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And they're just, they're a deck of cards.
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They're a deck of cards.
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And they just stay on them.
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I got to put my glasses on.
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They just say self-reflection from wellness, reproductions, publishing, wellness resources.
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These are super cool.
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And how I use them is, they ask some questions.
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Excuse me, I'm so sorry.
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This is real and raw today.
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Yes, it is.
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And these cards, how they help, they ask questions for the person who's dealing with
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addiction and in treatment for recovery.
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It allows them a chance to think, to look inside themselves, to be honest with themselves,
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and answer that question.
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And in doing so, it opens up a topic for discussion.
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And I don't know about, Amber's here with us too.
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She's an alum of RCA Capital Region.
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And we're super excited to have her on the team.
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But I don't know about you, but as soon as somebody says they're going to ask me a question,
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I'm like getting all nervous.
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So Henry's box of cards, we're not calming to me, especially self-reflection.
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What about you?
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No, I'm extremely nervous, not knowing what's on the side of that card.
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I freeze up when I'm on the spot like that.
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And we've been doing that all day, haven't we?
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It's a great idea though.
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Some of them are really good.
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They really get you thinking.
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And why do we think, I guess, I'm more comfortable asking the question.
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So I'm just going to ask the question.
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Why do we think getting personal, getting vulnerable, looking at self-reflection can
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be so difficult?
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It's very difficult to look within.
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It really, really is.
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To pull up those emotions, those memories, it can be a struggle.
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Those are the things that we typically want to push deep down inside and not face.
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That's why it's a struggle for me.
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Got any thoughts on that?
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Piggybacking off of what Amber just said, it is.
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For myself, for example.
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I didn't plan on doing this, but I'll share something with you.
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I've been struggling with what we, in the rooms, we call it unresolved resentments.
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How that happened, I was actually a part of a big book study.
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I was sharing in a big book study, and we were dealing with a fourth step.
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And reading the fourth step, I was sharing.
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And as I was sharing, something impactful came back up.
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And it just hit me in my chest.
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I had a difficult time completing my share, at least talking about what I was dealing
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with.
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And it was something like Amber just said, I had pushed down.
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And I thought that I had dealt with it.
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I thought that it was a resolved issue.
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And just for the sake of transparency, it was an issue concerning my dad.
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And a lot of my struggles were based on my relationship with my father.
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And the thing is, like this, I'm going to go back to this card here.
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He's going to get us in those cards.
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I am trying to look at me trying to avoid this.
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And then we come right back out to those cards.
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This particular card in my hand, look, it says, it says, share something for which you have
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forgiven yourself.
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What were your feelings and how did you start the process of forgiving yourself?
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Now, just with that card right there, I can answer.
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I could say, I could share something about not forgiving myself or something.
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But in reading this card, and in line with the topic I was just saying concerning unresolved
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resentments, it came to me that even though I thought I had dealt with it, I hadn't.
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And it came to find out that it's because I had pushed it down.
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Just like Amber said, I had pushed it down and I wanted to forget about it because a
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form of PTSD, it was something I didn't want to face.
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I thought that I did.
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But on a subconscious level, I hadn't completely gotten over it.
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And it's one of those issues where it was about forgiveness, not forgiveness of myself,
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but forgiveness of my father for the things that he has done, for the way he treated myself,
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my brother, my mother.
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And I'm dealing with it now.
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I am talking about it.
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I shared it with Amber.
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And Amber said I should speak to my sponsor about it, which I did.
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And we're working it out.
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As a matter of fact, I was given a good piece of advice.
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It was about, and it comes from the Big Book.
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The Big Book teaches in working with you through your fourth step about, you've ever heard
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the saying that sick people, that hurt people, hurt people?
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It's that same thing.
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I had to look at where my dad, his environment that he grew up in, his relationship with his
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father and why he was the man that he was.
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And in doing so, I had to look at how that relationship affected my relationship with
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my father.
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And the thing that what I came to was this.
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He was doing the best that he could.
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The way he grew up, the environment he grew up in, being a dad to him was being that strong,
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disciplinarian, heavy handed.
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He thought what he was doing was the best thing to do.
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It was not good for me.
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It wasn't the best environment for me to be in.
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But I'm slowly starting to understand because of the environment he grew up in and the way
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he was raised as a father, he was doing the best he could.
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So I'm still working on it, but I'm getting better with forgiving my dad for the way he
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behaved as a father.
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So I don't know where that's going, but that's that.
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And I think there's a sense at which maybe early in recovery or maybe there's a time
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and place to deal with those things when you have the resources and the skills.
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It's like this is coming back up now because you've got the strength to handle it.
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There you go.
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Maybe reframing it in that, like, okay, I can think about this broader.
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I've got some new tools in my toolbox that I've honed a little bit that I know how to
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use that I can apply to what was a difficult situation.
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Yeah.
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I like how you put that.
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It's about, because I think that's probably why early in my recovery I pushed it down
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or in my mind, I thought I'd had resolved it.
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But truthfully, I had and what I did, I just, it was like a project I was working on and
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I just didn't complete it.
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But now, like you said, now that I have the tools to complete or to face the job better,
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I'm better equipped.
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There you go.
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I'm better equipped to deal with certain situations, to actually live and confront life, you know,
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on life terms, as we say, and being able to do so in a more comfortable environment, meaning
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I know how to see things or how to view, you know, a few things differently now.
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And it's all because of the tools that I have now, the people I surround myself with, the
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people I can have conversations with, things like that.
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So you're right.
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What I didn't have early on is the reason why, you know, it was never resolved.
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And now I can, you know, it can be resolved now because now I have the tools.
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I'm equipped.
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I'm better equipped.
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Thank you.
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You just give me another piece.
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Well, it's a perfect thing to go along with more will be revealed.
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There you go.
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That's exactly what that means.
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There you go.
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Thank you.
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You know, higher power reveals that when you're ready to deal with it.
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Talk a little bit more about that.
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I mean, yeah, it's, talking about that was self-reflection.
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Like early on for me in my recovery, I wasn't able to even look inward like that at all
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because I was not ready to deal with the emotions, the traumas from my past or worry about the
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trauma my parents put me through.
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But slowly over time as I got a little recovery under my belt and I started relying on a higher
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power and I started working the steps and having the fellowship, all of those things
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together, you know, my higher power slowly revealed to me, you know, different areas
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in my life, which I was ready to face, overcome or uncover, discover and discard, so to speak.
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And don't you think that's a little bit of the fear of entering recovery, maybe even
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entering treatment is like, you know, I got stuff and I'm not ready to unpack this yet.
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And if I go into treatment, they're going to start picking at the stuff and I'm not
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ready to pull the scab off quite yet.
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I just got it, you know, covered over.
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And I think that's the beauty of somewhat and the surprise of what we do when someone
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enters treatment.
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It's like, no, we're not going to try to unpack this all in 30 days and wrap it up in a bow.
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We're going to put you on a path where you're going to meet people, you're going to meet
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maybe sponsors, you're going to meet peers in recovery, you're going to meet a therapist,
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maybe you need a pastor, maybe you need all of these pieces of this puzzle where you can
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start to unpack this on a journey, right?
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Yeah, absolutely.
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I think too, it's difficult because, you know, when I came into treatment, I was very much
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playing the victim.
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I spoke victimize all day long and it was everyone else's fault and is, you know, that's
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what I did my whole life.
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It's telling victimize that's a new one.
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I got that from my sponsor.
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Yeah, just playing the victim all the time.
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It was always everybody else.
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So I spoke that very well, you know, I used it to gain sympathy, to gain self pity from
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people or to gain pity from people to live in self pity, blaming everybody else for everything
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that ever happened to me.
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But you know, slowly realizing that 99% of the choices I made in my life, you know, were
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my choices.
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They weren't other people.
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It wasn't everyone else's fault.
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And you can have both, right?
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Like bad things can have happened.
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Oh yeah, absolutely.
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Two us.
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And it might not be my fault, right?
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But yeah.
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I still need someone to blame though, you know, when it usually isn't my fault and reality
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I blame myself for it anyway, self crucify myself on the inside.
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But yeah, coming into treatment, no, you don't.
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That's really scary.
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That was really scary for me to have these new memories pop up of different traumas and
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then like, well, how am I going to deal with it?
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And it became overwhelming, you know, but really, again, you know, my higher power was
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just bringing to the surface the things that I needed to deal with in that moment or in
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that 30 days, you know, and then the next 30 and then the next 30, you know, it was something
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else.
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So it is a process.
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But I think, you know, myself included, we get sober and everything just floods right
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back and now we're trying to separate all these different things thinking that, yeah,
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we have to deal with it today.
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Like everything has to be solved today.
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What's the saying like the best thing about being sober is you have all these new feelings
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and emotions and the worst thing about being sober is you have all these new feelings and
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emotions.
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Yeah, yes.
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Learning how to navigate just the emotions alone is very overwhelming.
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I used to say all the time, like, oh, I feel, you know, this or I feel that this sucks.
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Like I don't I don't like feeling, but I knew, you know, that was necessary.
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Like that's what normal people do is have feelings.
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So we had to learn to have feelings.
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Like you're normal.
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You sound a little bitter about that.
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Yeah, well, because they do.
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I mean, honestly, sometimes, you know, having my heart broken or having being full of anxiety,
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it sucks.
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But I learned the coping skills to get through that, you know, and I know that those feelings
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don't last forever.
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It's just a feeling it will pass no matter what it is.
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And then our fee, I think one of the biggest things through time that I have learned is
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just speaking for myself is that feelings aren't facts.
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Not facts.
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No, not at all.
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You know, I can remember my I used to tell my kids that all the time feelings aren't
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facts, you know, that was kind of saying in our house and I'm teaching my daughter to
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drive and she comes up to a stop sign and she had no sense of direction.
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It was so crazy.
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And the phones had ruined them for life.
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They have GPS.
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And so I was like, it was a road she'd been on a million times and I was like, which way
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do I go?
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Which way do I go?
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And I'm like, well, which way feels right?
240
00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:01,080
And she goes, feelings aren't facts, mom.
241
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Feelings aren't facts.
242
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Tell me which way to go.
243
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Like, so that one came back to bite me.
244
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But yeah, I mean, how we feel today isn't necessarily how we'll feel tomorrow.
245
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And it's not necessarily true.
246
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:14,520
Right.
247
00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:20,680
Like what we tell ourselves is, you know, and my feeling about something in a moment.
248
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Right.
249
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,040
That's a hard lesson to learn.
250
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:24,040
It is.
251
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Yeah.
252
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Because in the moment, like it feels really real.
253
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Right.
254
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:32,680
If you don't mind, I wanted to go back to what Amber said something and it's so true
255
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:34,400
what you said about choice.
256
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,840
What, you know, choosing that.
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Basically when you said it, I was thinking, you know, even though my dad was the kind
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00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:47,480
of man that he was and even understand that he was doing his best, I can't put all the
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fault, all the blame on him.
260
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You were someone along those lines.
261
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I still had a choice in my drinking and my drug use.
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I know I would love to just say, well, it's all dad's fault.
263
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:05,200
But truth be told, I'm at a certain age.
264
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:10,360
Dad even though, you know, he had an impact on me and it may have been a negative one,
265
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,360
but I still had a choice.
266
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I still have a choice.
267
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And that's what came to me was this, that the power to choose, I have the power of choice.
268
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And today I choose to be sober.
269
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I choose not to use.
270
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I choose not to drink.
271
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And I don't know, it just popped in my head.
272
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I just want to share it real quick.
273
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:35,080
Because the power to choose is so important when it comes to a deal with sobriety and
274
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being recovered from addiction.
275
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We have that power.
276
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Comes in the form of our higher power.
277
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You know, it comes in the form of the rooms, the recovery rooms.
278
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It comes in the fellowship.
279
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But the power is there.
280
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We have to use it.
281
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:58,000
And if we don't, then it's, I think, what we say, we surrender the outcome.
282
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:03,200
So if I don't choose to use the power, if I don't choose to make the right decisions,
283
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the outcome is on me.
284
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I have to surrender to that.
285
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:13,680
I mean, it comes down, go back to psychology, just taking back your autonomy.
286
00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:18,120
Giving yourself, you know, I do have choices in this situation.
287
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:24,760
And that does give you, it can also be going back to the feelings of anxiety and overwhelm.
288
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:26,040
Now I'm responsible.
289
00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:33,720
If I take that autonomy, you know, before, if I blame default or I blame dad or I blame
290
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,960
the bad guy in my life, then I'm not responsible.
291
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,360
When I start taking back my own autonomy.
292
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:40,360
Yeah.
293
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,360
Yeah.
294
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,160
Then you have the power.
295
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,040
That gives you the power over.
296
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:46,640
That's something I never understood.
297
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:51,460
I, you know, I always let everything else have the power over my life.
298
00:17:51,460 --> 00:17:58,200
But it was really in my choices, really looking at it that my own choices that I've made,
299
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:03,480
you know, that is my life ended up the way it did because of all the choices that I
300
00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:05,320
made.
301
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:09,840
And even if there were choices, you know, things that had happened to me that were at
302
00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:14,840
no fault of my own, I chose to carry it with me and let it affect me the rest of my life.
303
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:22,120
So when I switched over and was able to self reflect and realize that, you know, my life,
304
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:27,000
you know, I need to be responsible for my own actions, my own life.
305
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:34,200
That gave me the power to actually bring about the change that was necessary for me was,
306
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:39,760
you know, admitting that, um, yeah, my poor choices got me to where I am today, but I'm
307
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:42,400
going to take that power back today and put you in the driver's seat.
308
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:43,400
Yeah.
309
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:47,200
Put me straight in the driver's seat and, you know, and most of us like control.
310
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:48,200
Right.
311
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:49,200
Well, I do.
312
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:50,200
I definitely do.
313
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,200
I like control.
314
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:52,200
Right.
315
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:53,200
Yes.
316
00:18:53,200 --> 00:19:00,280
And being, you know, accountable, responsible for my own actions, my own choices, that gives
317
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:05,200
me the power that I needed to, um, you know, change my life for the better.
318
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:08,480
What are the cards you got in there, Henry?
319
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,560
This is what I'm looking at right now.
320
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:12,720
It says share your concept.
321
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:14,720
Share your concept of your higher power.
322
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:15,720
Yeah.
323
00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:18,320
I can speak to that.
324
00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:20,080
Henry likes these cards.
325
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:22,080
He loves them.
326
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:31,720
Um, for a long time, um, I share like this here, growing up, growing up, my mom and dad,
327
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:34,800
they didn't, they didn't, um, they didn't take me to church, so to speak.
328
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,160
They didn't take me to church.
329
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:37,680
They, um, they sent me to church.
330
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:42,000
No, we had a church on the corner from where I live and they would say, go to church.
331
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:47,120
And I would go and, and I would just listen to how people, how the preacher would talk
332
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:51,400
about God and his concept of God or his version of God.
333
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:52,720
And I'm a kid.
334
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:57,640
This is when I'm maybe 12, 13 years old, but you got to remember this is the thing.
335
00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:01,680
Uh, when I was 12, 13 years old, the home that I used to go back to.
336
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:06,600
So the home that I used to go back to was not conducive to the God that this man was talking
337
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:07,600
about.
338
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,600
So I grew up with that.
339
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:14,600
And when I did finally become a man and, and, and, and, and, and, you know, get out on my
340
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:20,880
own, my understanding was God was never the same as the one I heard in church.
341
00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:27,360
Um, it didn't, it took, you know, a long time and a lot of pain, a lot of struggling to
342
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:32,120
finally understand my own understanding of God, my own concept of God.
343
00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:37,440
And believe it or not, I got that understanding from being in the rooms of alcoholist anonymous
344
00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:38,440
someone.
345
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:42,740
I, when I was actually introduced to the concept of God, of my understanding and my concept
346
00:20:42,740 --> 00:20:44,640
of God, how I saw it was this.
347
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:50,080
Um, and I shared this with, I can't control the way my heart beats.
348
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:52,680
I can't stop my heart and start, start it back.
349
00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:57,800
Um, the way my lungs allow me to breathe, the way my eyes focus, the way I, anything
350
00:20:57,800 --> 00:21:00,760
that I do inside this body, I have no control over it.
351
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:10,240
And my thing is whoever controls that, whoever could, she created that, that to me is God.
352
00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:16,200
Now how I use that is, um, the vertical and horizontal.
353
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:18,920
For me, the concept of God is creation.
354
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:24,320
He created me and I say he, I'm sorry if I'm, if I'm somebody, but God created me and then
355
00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:27,400
created me, created everything around me.
356
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:32,760
With that understanding, I have a relationship with the creator of myself and the one who
357
00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:33,760
created me.
358
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:40,000
And that gives me what I call a vertical understanding or a vertical relationship of God.
359
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:45,040
Now because of that relationship, I now have a relationship with, in the rooms we call
360
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:49,480
our fellows, I have a relationship with my fellows, the people around me, which gives
361
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:52,680
me a horizontal relationship with the people around me.
362
00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:57,560
So I know it comes in the form of a cross and that's just a representation of a religion
363
00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:59,560
that I happen to follow.
364
00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:03,640
Um, and that's how I get the concept of God.
365
00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:08,840
God is creator, the same God that created me, created everything that I see, everything
366
00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:09,840
that's around me.
367
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:14,840
I have a relationship with that creation, with that creative, which gives me a relationship
368
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:16,640
with the people around me.
369
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:22,640
And with that being understood for me, it, you know, it gives me a sense of content,
370
00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:26,120
a sense of peace, serenity we call it.
371
00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:28,040
So that's my concept of God.
372
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:34,040
And that's how when I feel bad, when I feel out of place, I don't say, you know, I have
373
00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:36,280
a problem.
374
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:39,000
I look up to my creator and say, you got a problem.
375
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,000
You've got a problem.
376
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:41,000
And you got to fix it.
377
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:44,560
And then I leave it in, you know, I leave it to my God.
378
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:47,000
That's my understanding of God, my concept.
379
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:48,720
How about you?
380
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:52,240
My concept, um, I struggled with that concept at first.
381
00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:55,400
I mean, I'm straight up big book style, right?
382
00:22:55,400 --> 00:23:04,800
Like I, I, um, struggled with, uh, the word God because I, I was always raised to believe,
383
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:08,160
um, the fire and brimstone, you're going to hell God.
384
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:12,360
Um, nobody ever taught me the, the loving part of that.
385
00:23:12,360 --> 00:23:14,160
So I had a problem with that.
386
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:18,920
Um, you know, it was always used as a scare tactic growing up, you know, you're going
387
00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:19,920
to go to hell.
388
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:21,120
You know, you're so bad.
389
00:23:21,120 --> 00:23:22,440
This is what's going to happen.
390
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:27,200
So I couldn't grasp on to the word God.
391
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:31,640
But as I went through the big book and, um, you know, it said, you can create your own
392
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:32,960
conception of God.
393
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:35,240
And I didn't know that I could do that.
394
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:39,600
I thought I was stuck with the God from my childhood, the religious God that was used
395
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:41,360
to scare me all the time.
396
00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:45,960
So I didn't even know that was possible until I got a sponsor and started working the steps.
397
00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:47,480
And that worked for me.
398
00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:53,640
I had to write down my own conception of what a higher power was, what God was.
399
00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:59,960
And I wrote down, you know, pretty much, uh, you know, God is in all things is loving and
400
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:03,200
kind and non-judgmental and caring, you know, it's everything.
401
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:08,480
And like you said, right, something makes the sunrise and sunset and it ain't me, you
402
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:11,760
know, and my God is in all things.
403
00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:13,480
That worked for me in the beginning.
404
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:19,520
That is all that I needed was, um, nature, mother nature, just everything, you know, God
405
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:22,440
is the creator of all, just like you said, but the creator.
406
00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:29,800
But I couldn't, I had to forget the religious God of growing up, my childhood God.
407
00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:36,120
I had to put it out of my mind and completely, uh, gain a new idea of what that word God
408
00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:37,800
meant to me or higher power.
409
00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:39,520
Um, I use both.
410
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:43,840
Um, but, and it's funny how it changes over the years.
411
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:50,600
Now over the years, sometimes that religious God from my past pops back up in my life.
412
00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:56,480
Some days it's my original, uh, you know, concept of what a higher power is.
413
00:24:56,480 --> 00:25:01,240
Um, and I, I'm sure in a couple more years it's going to change into something else.
414
00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:04,400
But for me, um, that, that's my own conception.
415
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:07,280
Just it's my higher powers and everything.
416
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:12,200
Like you said, the creator of everything, um, the air I breathe, you know, the, the,
417
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:15,480
the tides, the sun going up, the sun going down.
418
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:18,840
Um, that is that, that, that's all I got.
419
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,840
Yours is all like in depth and all this stuff.
420
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:22,840
Mine's basic.
421
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:26,000
That's basic concept of higher power.
422
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:33,440
Talk to me a little bit more about, you said you, you have that morning, that discipline,
423
00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:34,440
the routine.
424
00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:36,840
Um, do you have that as well?
425
00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:37,840
Amber?
426
00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:38,840
Oh yeah.
427
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:39,840
Absolutely.
428
00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:44,880
And it started in RCA, you know, getting up and doing the daily readings that just for
429
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:50,240
today in the N.A. the daily reflections when I got out, I kept that routine.
430
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:55,440
Um, and now I implement other daily readings as well, celebrate recovery and life recovery
431
00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:56,760
into that.
432
00:25:56,760 --> 00:26:00,560
And then I have, you know, the short meditation time in the morning.
433
00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:06,520
Um, if I don't start my day out on that routine, um, my day is already off.
434
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:11,800
Um, and then, you know, I go into my regular routine, but I always have to start the morning
435
00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:12,800
with recovery.
436
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:20,640
And how different is that from when you were in active addiction, just having that sense
437
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:22,640
of routine?
438
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:29,600
Oh, well that depended on if you had, if you had enough drugs or alcohol in the morning,
439
00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:32,760
you know, um, routine was not, it was all over the place.
440
00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:34,320
There was no routine for me anyway.
441
00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:38,960
I had no routine other than wake up, make sure I have enough drugs or money to get drugs
442
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:41,000
or ride to go get drugs.
443
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:43,800
Um, is, you know, how my morning went.
444
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:44,800
Yeah.
445
00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:47,720
It was no, it was just hit or miss.
446
00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:50,600
Was no, uh, structure at all.
447
00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:54,720
If I had to explain it, I would put it in the context of it had no, my life, it had
448
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:55,720
no purpose.
449
00:26:55,720 --> 00:27:01,840
Um, when I used to, when I used to get up in my active addiction and I'm talking not,
450
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:06,680
um, just being in the streets when you don't talk about with a, with a wife and kids and
451
00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:09,520
going to work, I would wake up.
452
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:15,120
Um, just like Amber, if I didn't have what I needed to get the day started, it was not,
453
00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:16,240
it wasn't right for me.
454
00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:22,960
But if I woke up in the morning opposite of what I, how I wake up now and I would just
455
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:26,000
walk out the door with no sense of direction, no purpose.
456
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:29,400
I would just walk out the door and hopefully I make it back home.
457
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:34,400
And I don't mean like I'm going into the street to some war or anything, but my mind was racing
458
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:39,920
all the time on trying to, you know, get high to drink or whatever.
459
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:41,320
It was never any direction.
460
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:44,720
It was just, you know, hit or miss.
461
00:27:44,720 --> 00:27:50,520
But you know, I just, I'm so grateful by the grace of God that today I wake up and I'm
462
00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:52,160
actually grateful that I woke up.
463
00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:56,040
You know, I'm thankful that I get to, even right here, I, I shared this with, with, with
464
00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:59,640
the guys on the, on the campus that, um, I get out of my car in a parking lot, right?
465
00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:04,320
And I walk up to this campus and I get to look across this field and it's a, it's a
466
00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:06,200
beautiful campus.
467
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:11,960
And I just think about how, how blessed I am that this is what I get to call my work,
468
00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:13,460
which isn't work.
469
00:28:13,460 --> 00:28:15,640
It's a, it's a gift.
470
00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:16,640
It's a gift.
471
00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:18,360
And then I'm focused when I come here.
472
00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:21,240
And my main focus is this, to help somebody else.
473
00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:24,920
That's my whole reason for coming in here every day is I get an opportunity to help somebody
474
00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:27,280
else, to give somebody what somebody else gave me.
475
00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:32,040
And how do you teach for people to find their purpose?
476
00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:35,000
I think that's a real struggle.
477
00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:37,720
You know, I think it's stroke for everybody, right?
478
00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:39,200
What am I, why am I here?
479
00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:41,760
Oh, that's, Jay, that's a good question.
480
00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:49,600
Thanks for even asking that because I actually said to one, one, one, one patient, um, but
481
00:28:49,600 --> 00:28:54,680
anyway, um, someone asked me like, why do I do this?
482
00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:59,440
And I know the big book answer is that, you know, we give it away, not the big book, but
483
00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:01,760
in the rooms we say, we give it away in order to keep it.
484
00:29:01,760 --> 00:29:02,760
And how does that work?
485
00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:07,120
Um, when I'm sharing, like I'm talking to you guys right now, but I hear the words coming
486
00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:09,360
out of my mouth when I'm sharing with the patient.
487
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:11,040
I hear what I'm saying.
488
00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:17,880
So not only I can, I can say that that's the given away piece, but because I hear it and
489
00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:19,160
I understand what's going on.
490
00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:23,680
And sometimes even my own voice, um, and what I'm sharing can have an emotional impact on
491
00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:26,560
me in a sense it'll take me back to that place.
492
00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:32,400
I'm not trying to go there now, but I remember and sometimes it's not always, you know, sharing
493
00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:34,040
does that for me.
494
00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:39,880
But what happens when I give it to someone else and they're impacted by it.
495
00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:47,560
And they, they, they say, or they start to, you know, behaving in a way that changes them.
496
00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:53,320
I feel a sense of pride in myself, not boastful pride, but a pride that I did something to
497
00:29:53,320 --> 00:29:54,820
help someone else.
498
00:29:54,820 --> 00:29:58,520
So I stepped outside of myself and it's, it's in that.
499
00:29:58,520 --> 00:29:59,520
So service.
500
00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:00,520
There you go.
501
00:30:00,520 --> 00:30:01,520
That's basically what I'm getting back to.
502
00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:05,080
It's the serving piece that helps me.
503
00:30:05,080 --> 00:30:10,680
And I actually, I can tell you another, it's this, this, I've shared on the other podcast.
504
00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:17,200
Um, I consider myself a servant helper and I once shared that with somebody and they
505
00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:22,120
told me that, that I was more than a servant, but see, they misunderstood what I meant by
506
00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:23,120
serving.
507
00:30:23,120 --> 00:30:27,000
I don't mean serving in the sense that I'm forced to do what I do or, you know, to be
508
00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:29,000
in a, in a subservient position.
509
00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:34,760
No, I'm a servant in the fact that I'm, I'm, I'm grateful to be able to help somebody
510
00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:35,760
else.
511
00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:39,080
I'm grateful to be able to be of use to somebody else.
512
00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:44,920
And we, I know, I almost said, but I know that in serving, I don't, I serve because
513
00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:45,920
of my higher power.
514
00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:52,720
My higher power blesses me and I don't want to say I owe, but out of gratitude, out of
515
00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:55,880
gratitude, I want to help somebody else.
516
00:30:55,880 --> 00:30:57,680
And the question was, how do I find purpose?
517
00:30:57,680 --> 00:31:00,640
How do you teach others to find purpose?
518
00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:02,640
Like, you know, I think that's really hard.
519
00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:07,520
Especially for young people, you know, I spent a lot of time, years in education and working
520
00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:12,520
with college students and there's some that get to that stage of life as just, I'm so
521
00:31:12,520 --> 00:31:13,520
lost.
522
00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:14,520
What do I do?
523
00:31:14,520 --> 00:31:18,160
All I can say to that is, and this is what I told the gentleman was, if it brings you
524
00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:21,960
peace, if you feel content doing it, then it's your purpose.
525
00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:26,560
If it's something that, you know, there's, there's, there's, there's a sense of, what
526
00:31:26,560 --> 00:31:27,560
do you call it, passion?
527
00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:29,400
There's a passion for it.
528
00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:32,400
And I believe another word for passion is sacrifice.
529
00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:38,840
If you feel, if what you're doing brings you a sense of pleasure, contentment, and you
530
00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:42,200
know, you're just generally all around happy for helping someone else, then that's gotta
531
00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:43,200
be.
532
00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:48,320
I think, I think maybe what people miss sometimes is that helping other people hard.
533
00:31:48,320 --> 00:31:54,560
Because we say, you know, it's, it's, I think we've raised a generation where it's like
534
00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:58,400
find, find what makes you happy and you'll never work a day in your life.
535
00:31:58,400 --> 00:32:01,080
Well, that doesn't always pay the bills, right?
536
00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:05,160
Sometimes we have to go to work to pay the bills.
537
00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:13,960
You may not get to do something for a career that fulfills you 100% completely when you
538
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:15,920
got a wife and two kids and you got to pay bills.
539
00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:19,160
You know, you got all the things, right?
540
00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:24,080
So I like what you're saying when you add service to other people.
541
00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:27,960
It gives you purpose beyond our responsibilities.
542
00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:30,560
Oh, I like that, Jay.
543
00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:31,560
Yeah.
544
00:32:31,560 --> 00:32:32,560
I don't know.
545
00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:33,560
What do you think came from that?
546
00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:34,560
Well, I can only share my experience with that.
547
00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:39,760
I walked around my whole life wondering what my purpose was.
548
00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:41,400
I would cry about it.
549
00:32:41,400 --> 00:32:42,960
Like what is the reason I'm here?
550
00:32:42,960 --> 00:32:45,000
I literally have no purpose.
551
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:48,840
I'm just a lump sucking up oxygen.
552
00:32:48,840 --> 00:32:55,600
So you know, again, I found my purpose in life when I got sober and started working with
553
00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:57,960
others.
554
00:32:57,960 --> 00:33:02,000
Since I started being of service to other people, you know, and it started out small,
555
00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:04,520
just learning to be of service is a process.
556
00:33:04,520 --> 00:33:06,760
And you didn't start out working in recovery?
557
00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:07,960
No, I did not.
558
00:33:07,960 --> 00:33:15,200
No, my service works really started when I was in RCA as a patient and I just, for whatever
559
00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:19,320
reason, just started helping the people that would just come in, you know, their first
560
00:33:19,320 --> 00:33:24,800
day, their second day and show them around and that started to make me feel good to do
561
00:33:24,800 --> 00:33:25,800
that.
562
00:33:25,800 --> 00:33:29,440
So I'm all about making myself feel good, you know what I mean?
563
00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:31,560
So you know, it kind of went from there.
564
00:33:31,560 --> 00:33:38,160
But then once I got out and I joined a program, you know, and learning that I have to act
565
00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:44,160
selfish, selflessly, start doing for others and thinking of other people, the blessings
566
00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:45,680
will start coming back to me.
567
00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:53,880
How do you bring that sense of purpose to the mundane to, because I don't know if it's
568
00:33:53,880 --> 00:33:54,880
okay to share.
569
00:33:54,880 --> 00:34:01,120
Yeah, but like you probably weren't working your dream job the moment you got out of recovery.
570
00:34:01,120 --> 00:34:02,120
No, not at all.
571
00:34:02,120 --> 00:34:03,120
Or out of treatment.
572
00:34:03,120 --> 00:34:06,040
I hated the job I was working when I got up.
573
00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:07,040
But you did it.
574
00:34:07,040 --> 00:34:08,920
But I did it because I had to.
575
00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:12,120
So how do you bring that purpose to the mundane?
576
00:34:12,120 --> 00:34:20,000
Well, again, my experience, you know, by going to meetings, number one, and, you know, learning
577
00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:22,880
to be of service to the people in those meetings.
578
00:34:22,880 --> 00:34:27,840
And then after that, branching out to being of service to people all around me, even on
579
00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:29,360
my job.
580
00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:35,840
But you know, if it wasn't for having a relationship with a higher power and, you know, even wanting
581
00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:41,200
to do those things, I never would have gotten to the place where, you know, I'm working
582
00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:44,840
my dream job and I finally have a purpose after 40 years.
583
00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:51,520
Do you have a memory of doing an active service, either one of you, that you would have never
584
00:34:51,520 --> 00:34:57,520
done before and going, oh my goodness, this is a new me?
585
00:34:57,520 --> 00:35:00,200
Small little acts of service.
586
00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:06,040
Buying people coffee, you know, in the line at Starbucks for no reason other than to be
587
00:35:06,040 --> 00:35:07,040
nice.
588
00:35:07,040 --> 00:35:08,600
Because that would have never happened.
589
00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:13,160
And that's a little random act of being of service to someone else.
590
00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:14,360
Right off the top of my head.
591
00:35:14,360 --> 00:35:16,320
That was so not me.
592
00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:21,680
I have one, actually now it doesn't seem strange at all.
593
00:35:21,680 --> 00:35:30,280
But when I did get sober, the first time I ever served in a food line in a food kitchen,
594
00:35:30,280 --> 00:35:31,360
that was it.
595
00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:37,640
And I've shared, I told you about a friend of mine actually came through that line and
596
00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:41,240
he didn't see me until he raised his head to take the food.
597
00:35:41,240 --> 00:35:47,440
And when we locked eyes, it was a moment.
598
00:35:47,440 --> 00:35:54,280
Yeah, because I could have been exactly where he was because we lived the same lifestyle.
599
00:35:54,280 --> 00:36:02,720
But the fact that I knew I had changed, because one, I felt, you know what, it was one of
600
00:36:02,720 --> 00:36:08,400
those moments when you, in my act of addiction, I would say like, you know, you got to be
601
00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:12,480
crazy to stand up there and serve somebody else.
602
00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:19,440
It was not something I saw as being a random act of kindness, didn't exist.
603
00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:21,200
I didn't know what that was.
604
00:36:21,200 --> 00:36:27,480
And then for me to be, you know, to be removed from that place, meaning, I don't know which
605
00:36:27,480 --> 00:36:34,760
place, but to actually be serving somebody else and feel glad about it.
606
00:36:34,760 --> 00:36:38,200
That, you know, when I knew I had changed.
607
00:36:38,200 --> 00:36:41,240
I knew I wanted to, this is what I wanted to do.
608
00:36:41,240 --> 00:36:45,800
Not being paid for it, just showed up and helped.
609
00:36:45,800 --> 00:36:46,800
And I've been doing that.
610
00:36:46,800 --> 00:36:49,640
And I hope to continue doing it.
611
00:36:49,640 --> 00:36:55,720
I think the only other one off the top of my head is sharing my experience, strength and
612
00:36:55,720 --> 00:36:56,720
hope with other people.
613
00:36:56,720 --> 00:36:58,720
Oh, that's a good one.
614
00:36:58,720 --> 00:37:03,720
Because it doesn't sound like that was ever something you would get up in front of a crowd
615
00:37:03,720 --> 00:37:05,200
of people and talk.
616
00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:06,200
No.
617
00:37:06,200 --> 00:37:07,200
About anything.
618
00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:10,200
Your experience, strength and hope.
619
00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:11,200
Not at all.
620
00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:14,320
I was the complete opposite.
621
00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:15,320
You know.
622
00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:20,080
And we had you speak just to give everyone a from reference.
623
00:37:20,080 --> 00:37:23,680
She spoke at our Capital Region alumni event.
624
00:37:23,680 --> 00:37:27,880
200 people there, tons of alums.
625
00:37:27,880 --> 00:37:28,880
Yeah.
626
00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:30,800
I mean, and you were fabulous.
627
00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:31,800
Thank you.
628
00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:35,360
I was nervous, but I still do it because it is helping other people.
629
00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:41,960
I know now that, you know, even if I think that my story might not be as bad to someone
630
00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:47,640
else's or, but I know now that it's my story and it will help other people.
631
00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:51,440
What was that like that?
632
00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:52,960
Agreeing to do that for the first time.
633
00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:54,000
Oh, it was scary.
634
00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:55,480
I was very, very nervous.
635
00:37:55,480 --> 00:37:59,440
Was it something you had said, no, I'm not doing that?
636
00:37:59,440 --> 00:38:03,760
I said, well, because I'm a people pleaser, I automatically will say yes.
637
00:38:03,760 --> 00:38:06,000
And then I'm like, oh, I should have never said that.
638
00:38:06,000 --> 00:38:09,040
And then I'm thinking, you're getting a sore throat.
639
00:38:09,040 --> 00:38:10,040
Yes.
640
00:38:10,040 --> 00:38:11,040
But, uh, tummy ache.
641
00:38:11,040 --> 00:38:12,040
I'm sorry.
642
00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:13,040
I can't be there today.
643
00:38:13,040 --> 00:38:14,040
My hands were sweating.
644
00:38:14,040 --> 00:38:15,040
Yeah.
645
00:38:15,040 --> 00:38:18,480
Look, coming up with the excuse is not to do it, but I did it anyway.
646
00:38:18,480 --> 00:38:22,840
But I just to get through it at the beginning, I'm like, I am so nervous.
647
00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:25,520
I really hope I don't mess this up.
648
00:38:25,520 --> 00:38:27,160
And then I just did it.
649
00:38:27,160 --> 00:38:30,720
And once I did that for the first time, it was, it was weird.
650
00:38:30,720 --> 00:38:33,600
It was like a weight lifted off my shoulders.
651
00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:39,280
Now in the beginning sharing my story, now like, I can, like an emotional thing happens
652
00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:43,040
when you're done because you've talked about certain things.
653
00:38:43,040 --> 00:38:45,240
So the next day can kind of be off.
654
00:38:45,240 --> 00:38:48,280
At least it was for me in the very beginning, but I did it.
655
00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:53,040
And once I did that for the first time and people were nodding their heads at me or saying,
656
00:38:53,040 --> 00:38:54,960
yeah, me too.
657
00:38:54,960 --> 00:38:56,840
There's no feeling like that.
658
00:38:56,840 --> 00:39:02,440
Um, in helping someone else by sharing my experience helps other people.
659
00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:06,160
And you know, from there, I just was like, I'm game.
660
00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:11,520
I'll do it because there, there is, there's nothing like the feeling of saying someone,
661
00:39:11,520 --> 00:39:13,160
we, man, me too.
662
00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:15,000
You helped me a lot with that.
663
00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:18,560
And here again, I think my story is like, yeah, whatever.
664
00:39:18,560 --> 00:39:21,240
You know, it's nothing, but it's really not to someone else.
665
00:39:21,240 --> 00:39:28,720
It can be, um, you know, a life, lifesaver to someone else, you know, so, um, that gave
666
00:39:28,720 --> 00:39:30,240
me my purpose.
667
00:39:30,240 --> 00:39:37,600
And, um, that is, yeah, the best, uh, being of service that I can do.
668
00:39:37,600 --> 00:39:41,320
So yeah, that's good.
669
00:39:41,320 --> 00:39:43,360
What other cards you got, Henry?
670
00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:45,960
I mean, call another card from the day.
671
00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:46,960
Another card.
672
00:39:46,960 --> 00:39:49,680
I don't know about that one.
673
00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:53,520
Oh, let's see what this says.
674
00:39:53,520 --> 00:40:00,440
What fairy tale character would you represent, would, would most represent you?
675
00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:01,440
Please explain.
676
00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:03,440
It just popped in my head as I read it.
677
00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:05,440
He was going to put it away till he got an answer.
678
00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:08,320
He didn't care about us having an answer.
679
00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:12,880
As I read it, what fairy tale character would most represent you?
680
00:40:12,880 --> 00:40:18,640
Please explain the beast from beauty and the beast.
681
00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:20,040
Misunderstood.
682
00:40:20,040 --> 00:40:25,720
And if you, the, in this story, not just misunderstood, but he was so self-centered,
683
00:40:25,720 --> 00:40:32,400
you know, it's all about himself in the beginning and he had to go through something, meaning
684
00:40:32,400 --> 00:40:34,560
being transformed to a beast.
685
00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:38,800
Um, oh wow, I'm thinking of that story too.
686
00:40:38,800 --> 00:40:39,800
He had to go through that.
687
00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:46,280
He had to be transformed into a beast and experienced life like that in that state.
688
00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:53,400
And someone had to actually, what, care for him, which he cared for nobody, but somebody
689
00:40:53,400 --> 00:40:56,520
had to care for him in order for that spell to be broken.
690
00:40:56,520 --> 00:41:04,520
Yeah, I think because in the beginning, when I, oh, that one kind of got me.
691
00:41:04,520 --> 00:41:08,960
Early in my addiction, throughout my addiction, that was me.
692
00:41:08,960 --> 00:41:10,840
I was so self-centered.
693
00:41:10,840 --> 00:41:14,840
I was so much into myself and what I could get, even from other people.
694
00:41:14,840 --> 00:41:19,680
I didn't care about how I treated people or how, you know, what I did to them and how
695
00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:20,680
it affected them.
696
00:41:20,680 --> 00:41:22,240
You know, it was all about Henry.
697
00:41:22,240 --> 00:41:24,080
It was all about me.
698
00:41:24,080 --> 00:41:29,360
And it actually took for, you know, I'm thinking about my wife right now.
699
00:41:29,360 --> 00:41:34,960
It took for somebody else to actually, you know, stand with me and understand.
700
00:41:34,960 --> 00:41:36,400
Wow.
701
00:41:36,400 --> 00:41:41,720
I wasn't, I wasn't that bad of a person.
702
00:41:41,720 --> 00:41:45,760
I was a mess, but my wife has been with me for 26 years now.
703
00:41:45,760 --> 00:41:48,760
25, I'm sorry, just turned 25.
704
00:41:48,760 --> 00:41:54,360
25 years now, throughout my addiction, she's still there.
705
00:41:54,360 --> 00:42:02,680
Yeah, because she didn't see what I was, how I saw myself, the way I treated people.
706
00:42:02,680 --> 00:42:05,400
I think she met me.
707
00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:11,680
I know for a fact she met me during a time, you know, when I was not a child.
708
00:42:11,680 --> 00:42:12,680
I was addicted.
709
00:42:12,680 --> 00:42:17,600
You know, in my addiction, I've had those moments where I put together a little time
710
00:42:17,600 --> 00:42:22,760
and when I wasn't using the drinking, I think God had to have a hand in that.
711
00:42:22,760 --> 00:42:25,880
I met her in one of those gaps.
712
00:42:25,880 --> 00:42:29,960
So when that other person showed up, my addicted self showed up, the beast part of me showed
713
00:42:29,960 --> 00:42:31,520
up.
714
00:42:31,520 --> 00:42:33,480
She knew knew me different than that.
715
00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:35,240
That wasn't me.
716
00:42:35,240 --> 00:42:38,120
And she stood with me throughout, throughout it all.
717
00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:41,880
And wow, that is so incredible.
718
00:42:41,880 --> 00:42:44,680
That's coming in my head right now.
719
00:42:44,680 --> 00:42:49,800
That's all I'm saying about that.
720
00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:50,800
Not a question for me.
721
00:42:50,800 --> 00:42:52,800
I can't think of one fairytale.
722
00:42:52,800 --> 00:42:53,800
Me either.
723
00:42:53,800 --> 00:42:54,800
Character at all.
724
00:42:54,800 --> 00:42:56,800
Henry, you can draw another part.
725
00:42:56,800 --> 00:43:05,880
Yeah, like Forrest Gump said, that's all I have to say about that.
726
00:43:05,880 --> 00:43:07,880
You want to hit this one?
727
00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:21,240
I saw the word fear, but it says share what it feels like to you when you feel fear, both
728
00:43:21,240 --> 00:43:22,760
physically and emotionally.
729
00:43:22,760 --> 00:43:24,400
And it acts another part.
730
00:43:24,400 --> 00:43:27,600
What is that a healthy way of coping with fear?
731
00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:28,600
That's a good one.
732
00:43:28,600 --> 00:43:32,040
Yeah, that's a little in depth.
733
00:43:32,040 --> 00:43:41,680
For me, I mean, what it feels like when I'm afraid I get anxiety.
734
00:43:41,680 --> 00:43:47,560
Yeah, that's hard for me to describe.
735
00:43:47,560 --> 00:43:51,720
I'm not good at expressing how I feel.
736
00:43:51,720 --> 00:43:55,400
But my mind starts to race.
737
00:43:55,400 --> 00:43:57,000
I will start to isolate.
738
00:43:57,000 --> 00:44:03,040
I will come up with excuses of not reasons why I'm not going to do something.
739
00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:04,980
My heart will race.
740
00:44:04,980 --> 00:44:08,440
My hands will sweat.
741
00:44:08,440 --> 00:44:13,200
But today, I mean, I'm sure there's a lot more that goes into that.
742
00:44:13,200 --> 00:44:20,640
But today, the healthy way that I cope with that today is I rely on my higher power.
743
00:44:20,640 --> 00:44:23,440
Fear is so in threaded in me.
744
00:44:23,440 --> 00:44:28,840
It goes so far down and it applies to every area of my life.
745
00:44:28,840 --> 00:44:34,880
And if I let that control me, it will stop me from doing just about anything.
746
00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:41,440
And the only way that I can cope with getting over my fear is asking my higher power to
747
00:44:41,440 --> 00:44:43,880
remove that fear, give me courage.
748
00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:46,080
Now that's usually where I go.
749
00:44:46,080 --> 00:44:53,160
Now sometimes if I'm afraid, I can share about it with another alcoholic or addict.
750
00:44:53,160 --> 00:44:58,600
And just sharing that feeling, expressing how I feel and then getting maybe a little
751
00:44:58,600 --> 00:45:00,360
feedback will give me the courage.
752
00:45:00,360 --> 00:45:02,040
But nine times out of ten, it's my higher power.
753
00:45:02,040 --> 00:45:04,120
And usually I think fear is tricky.
754
00:45:04,120 --> 00:45:08,960
You can get over a fear and it comes back on you, that same fear.
755
00:45:08,960 --> 00:45:10,560
And you have to go through.
756
00:45:10,560 --> 00:45:11,560
Yeah.
757
00:45:11,560 --> 00:45:12,560
You have to push back.
758
00:45:12,560 --> 00:45:17,280
You kind of have to take your, we go back to that autonomy, we go back to that control,
759
00:45:17,280 --> 00:45:18,280
that power.
760
00:45:18,280 --> 00:45:19,280
Yeah.
761
00:45:19,280 --> 00:45:20,280
Wait a minute.
762
00:45:20,280 --> 00:45:21,280
Yeah.
763
00:45:21,280 --> 00:45:24,720
You have to go through this and you have to completely do the cycle again.
764
00:45:24,720 --> 00:45:25,720
Yeah.
765
00:45:25,720 --> 00:45:26,720
It never goes away.
766
00:45:26,720 --> 00:45:29,040
A fear of judgment that pops up.
767
00:45:29,040 --> 00:45:31,880
I'm afraid of people judging me.
768
00:45:31,880 --> 00:45:38,800
But I know that, you know, that it just, the reality of that is nobody's judging me.
769
00:45:38,800 --> 00:45:39,800
You know what I mean?
770
00:45:39,800 --> 00:45:42,080
And even if they are, it doesn't matter.
771
00:45:42,080 --> 00:45:45,360
But I have to constantly tell that, yeah, I can get rid of that today, but it'll be
772
00:45:45,360 --> 00:45:46,360
back tomorrow.
773
00:45:46,360 --> 00:45:47,360
It'll come right back tomorrow.
774
00:45:47,360 --> 00:45:48,360
It'll come right back tomorrow.
775
00:45:48,360 --> 00:45:49,360
So.
776
00:45:49,360 --> 00:45:54,360
And sometimes we misunderstand, it's like, well, I didn't, it didn't work for me.
777
00:45:54,360 --> 00:45:55,360
Right.
778
00:45:55,360 --> 00:45:56,360
Because it's coming back.
779
00:45:56,360 --> 00:45:57,360
And no, it worked.
780
00:45:57,360 --> 00:45:58,360
You just got to keep working.
781
00:45:58,360 --> 00:45:59,360
Keep doing it.
782
00:45:59,360 --> 00:46:00,360
Right?
783
00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:01,360
You got to keep doing it.
784
00:46:01,360 --> 00:46:02,360
Yeah.
785
00:46:02,360 --> 00:46:03,360
Absolutely.
786
00:46:03,360 --> 00:46:05,280
And those are the things that, you know, because I work a program and, you know, giving
787
00:46:05,280 --> 00:46:08,520
that stuff and asking God to remove those defects.
788
00:46:08,520 --> 00:46:10,920
That's a character defect for me is fear.
789
00:46:10,920 --> 00:46:15,200
And you know, I have to constantly on a daily basis ask God to remove that fear.
790
00:46:15,200 --> 00:46:21,160
But if it pops up, which it does, yeah, just spot check and talk to myself, you know, face
791
00:46:21,160 --> 00:46:23,440
that fear.
792
00:46:23,440 --> 00:46:29,560
Think about how it is in the real reality and not the fear based reality I'm creating
793
00:46:29,560 --> 00:46:30,560
in my mind.
794
00:46:30,560 --> 00:46:31,560
But yeah.
795
00:46:31,560 --> 00:46:34,720
This has been so good.
796
00:46:34,720 --> 00:46:37,720
Thank you both for sharing with us today.
797
00:46:37,720 --> 00:46:41,000
Thank you listeners for joining us on the podcast.
798
00:46:41,000 --> 00:46:46,320
If you have a question you'd like to ask Amber or Henry or myself or just that we could use
799
00:46:46,320 --> 00:46:50,520
on a future podcast inbox us, we would love to hear from you.
800
00:46:50,520 --> 00:46:53,880
Love to hear your ideas and your thoughts on the podcast.
801
00:46:53,880 --> 00:46:57,680
If you would give us a little review on the podcast, we would love that.
802
00:46:57,680 --> 00:47:00,080
Give us all the stars you can give us.
803
00:47:00,080 --> 00:47:02,880
And we just want to be of service.
804
00:47:02,880 --> 00:47:07,560
I think this is the biggest thing about the podcast is sharing experience, strength and
805
00:47:07,560 --> 00:47:14,280
hope of our alums and our coordinators and other staff and friends of RCA and then just
806
00:47:14,280 --> 00:47:16,360
really giving back and being of service.
807
00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:19,280
So thank you for listening today.
808
00:47:19,280 --> 00:47:22,200
Thank you Amber and Henry.
809
00:47:22,200 --> 00:47:29,080
For all you do for our alums, check out RCA alumni dot com for a full calendar of events
810
00:47:29,080 --> 00:47:52,800
coming near you soon.
811
00:47:52,800 --> 00:47:56,600
Thank you for listening to the Strength and Recovery podcast.
812
00:47:56,600 --> 00:48:01,800
If you enjoyed this episode, please tap the subscribe button and leave us a review.
813
00:48:01,800 --> 00:48:06,440
We love hearing from our listeners and hope to reach more of you out there as we continue
814
00:48:06,440 --> 00:48:10,600
to share these incredible stories of recovery.
815
00:48:10,600 --> 00:48:16,520
The RCA alumni team aims to provide a safe, supportive environment for those in the recovery
816
00:48:16,520 --> 00:48:21,000
community regardless of their affiliation with RCA.
817
00:48:21,000 --> 00:48:28,680
We host a full calendar of virtual and in-person meetings seven days a week, 365 days a year
818
00:48:28,680 --> 00:48:32,160
as well as free sober events every month.
819
00:48:32,160 --> 00:48:37,760
To learn more about what we do, find us at RCA alumni dot com.
820
00:48:37,760 --> 00:48:43,160
Remember if you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, pick up the phone and dial
821
00:48:43,160 --> 00:48:47,840
1-833-RCA-ALUMN.
822
00:48:47,840 --> 00:48:50,920
Help is available 24 seven.
823
00:48:50,920 --> 00:48:57,280
Listen to another episode now or join us next time for the Strength and Recovery podcast.