WEBVTT
1
00:00:00.490 --> 00:00:04.690
Hi, I'm Mark David Gerson. Welcome to Stories and Reflections,
2
00:00:05.230 --> 00:00:20.460
where my stories are also yours. It was my birthday
3
00:00:20.519 --> 00:00:24.019
last week, another turn around the sun, and another opportunity
4
00:00:24.059 --> 00:00:26.440
to reflect on the year just passed and the new
5
00:00:26.480 --> 00:00:29.760
year I'm moving into. I talked a few weeks ago
6
00:00:29.820 --> 00:00:33.310
in Stories and Reflections 38 about many of the birthdays
7
00:00:33.350 --> 00:00:37.070
that changed my life. That's because so many of my birthdays,
8
00:00:37.229 --> 00:00:39.429
all the way back to my 13th, which is really
9
00:00:39.490 --> 00:00:42.390
the only one I sort of remember, have changed my life,
10
00:00:42.789 --> 00:00:46.009
have been portals of a sort, thresholds I've crossed, not
11
00:00:46.130 --> 00:00:49.049
only in terms of chronological numbers, but in terms of
12
00:00:49.109 --> 00:00:52.719
life changes. Some of those life changes have been radical
13
00:00:52.899 --> 00:00:56.329
and dramatic. Take my 43rd, for example, which was a
14
00:00:56.390 --> 00:00:59.409
portal not only into fatherhood and a new family, but
15
00:00:59.770 --> 00:01:02.670
to a new country. And if my 43rd was a
16
00:01:02.689 --> 00:01:06.140
portal into marriage, my 50th was a portal out of
17
00:01:06.189 --> 00:01:10.480
that same marriage. Again, I talk about those and many
18
00:01:10.620 --> 00:01:15.140
other birthdays in Stories and Reflections 38. I couldn't know,
19
00:01:15.200 --> 00:01:17.859
of course, when I recorded Stories and Reflections 38, the
20
00:01:18.459 --> 00:01:22.799
full import and impact of this birthday significance. And in
21
00:01:22.840 --> 00:01:26.200
this moment of this story, of my story, I still don't.
22
00:01:27.390 --> 00:01:30.810
Yet I've had hints. My sudden and miraculous return to
23
00:01:30.849 --> 00:01:34.569
Sedona a month ago, for example. Sedona, as I've noted
24
00:01:34.590 --> 00:01:37.930
in several episodes in recent months, notably in Stories and
25
00:01:37.969 --> 00:01:42.469
Reflections 27 and Stories and Reflections 37, has played a
26
00:01:42.569 --> 00:01:46.439
hugely significant role in my life, particularly around my birthdays.
27
00:01:47.260 --> 00:01:51.060
I've probably experienced more life changes here than anywhere else
28
00:01:51.140 --> 00:01:55.870
I've lived. and I've lived in lots of places. Not
29
00:01:55.909 --> 00:02:00.549
to mention all those open-ended road odysseys, blacktop spiritual journeys,
30
00:02:00.950 --> 00:02:03.920
I sometimes call them, that have carried me to and
31
00:02:03.950 --> 00:02:07.459
through so many, many, many more in both Canada and
32
00:02:07.500 --> 00:02:11.819
the U.S. Another hint, which also kicked in around four
33
00:02:11.860 --> 00:02:16.060
weeks ago, and equally unexpectedly, was the urgent call to
34
00:02:16.120 --> 00:02:18.969
return to regular work on the fifth book in my
35
00:02:19.030 --> 00:02:22.719
Legend of Katana fantasy series. I've been working on the
36
00:02:22.780 --> 00:02:26.699
Lost Horse of Brindoon for nearly six years. I began
37
00:02:26.759 --> 00:02:33.240
it on February 2nd, 2022. That's 2-2-22. How's that for
38
00:02:33.280 --> 00:02:37.080
a cosmic number? But until that urgent call, I've been
39
00:02:37.120 --> 00:02:40.530
working on it only sporadically. Now I'm working on it
40
00:02:40.629 --> 00:02:44.270
almost every day, and along with this podcast, it's become
41
00:02:44.310 --> 00:02:48.189
my top priority. The thing about birthday portals, at least
42
00:02:48.219 --> 00:02:51.210
in my life, is that they don't necessarily kick in
43
00:02:51.389 --> 00:02:54.990
on the day. In my world, they can begin to
44
00:02:55.050 --> 00:02:57.430
show up four to six weeks before the big day,
45
00:02:57.710 --> 00:02:59.870
and they can continue to echo in my life in
46
00:02:59.889 --> 00:03:03.189
the weeks after. That's why I said a bit ago
47
00:03:03.550 --> 00:03:06.449
that the full import and impact of this most recent
48
00:03:06.490 --> 00:03:11.270
birthday hasn't fully revealed itself. But here's one way that
49
00:03:11.289 --> 00:03:14.169
it has, or at least that it has forced me
50
00:03:14.210 --> 00:03:16.889
to rethink some things. And that's what I want to
51
00:03:16.930 --> 00:03:19.509
share with you today, because I think that for many
52
00:03:19.550 --> 00:03:22.090
of you, whether you have an imminent birthday or not,
53
00:03:22.650 --> 00:03:27.580
my story is, in some ways, also yours. When I
54
00:03:27.639 --> 00:03:30.680
talked about my birthdays in Stories and Reflections 38, I
55
00:03:31.439 --> 00:03:35.060
mentioned that with only two notable exceptions, my 13th and
56
00:03:35.099 --> 00:03:40.060
my 50th, my birthdays have been more about introspection than celebration.
57
00:03:41.219 --> 00:03:44.349
Over the past 30-plus years, I've tended to spend at
58
00:03:44.389 --> 00:03:47.379
least part of my birthday days doing things that are
59
00:03:47.419 --> 00:03:50.090
important to me, so as to anchor them into my
60
00:03:50.150 --> 00:03:53.349
life for the year ahead. I generally do something similar
61
00:03:53.710 --> 00:03:57.069
on New Year's Day for the same reason. More often
62
00:03:57.110 --> 00:04:00.009
than not, I've spent time writing on a current project
63
00:04:00.229 --> 00:04:04.150
and getting out into nature. And nearly always, I've reserved
64
00:04:04.189 --> 00:04:07.949
the day for myself, scheduling birthday dinners and coffee meetups
65
00:04:08.229 --> 00:04:12.310
for the days just before or just after. But something
66
00:04:12.370 --> 00:04:16.079
shifted this year. I knew my daughter and son-in-law would
67
00:04:16.100 --> 00:04:18.339
be driving up to Sedona from Phoenix for my birthday
68
00:04:18.379 --> 00:04:21.259
weekend to spend time with me and with my daughter's mom.
69
00:04:22.370 --> 00:04:24.870
But I wasn't expecting anything more than a birthday dinner
70
00:04:24.990 --> 00:04:28.149
and maybe a brunch. That's how it's largely been in
71
00:04:28.189 --> 00:04:31.189
years past, at least when we've all been within easy
72
00:04:31.230 --> 00:04:35.209
driving distance of each other. Then a week before my birthday,
73
00:04:35.569 --> 00:04:38.720
my daughter texted me and her mom. What's the expected
74
00:04:38.759 --> 00:04:41.790
itinerary for the weekend, she asked. I figured it was
75
00:04:41.819 --> 00:04:44.310
a joke. Like I said, we've never done much more
76
00:04:44.329 --> 00:04:46.290
than a dinner or a brunch, or maybe both, for
77
00:04:46.310 --> 00:04:50.370
my birthday. It was no joke 90 minutes later, though,
78
00:04:50.850 --> 00:04:54.420
when her mom texted both of us a detailed, jam-packed
79
00:04:54.459 --> 00:04:58.379
schedule of events and activities, all built around my birthday.
80
00:04:59.220 --> 00:05:04.290
All built around me. This was my 72nd birthday day,
81
00:05:04.689 --> 00:05:08.290
birthday weekend, and as far as I can remember, no
82
00:05:08.350 --> 00:05:11.689
one has ever built a weekend of events, celebrations, and
83
00:05:11.730 --> 00:05:16.790
activities for me around my birthday. Until now. Now maybe
84
00:05:16.810 --> 00:05:18.889
it happened when I was a kid, but I don't
85
00:05:18.949 --> 00:05:22.360
remember any birthdays before my 13th, and my family was
86
00:05:22.399 --> 00:05:25.959
never big on big celebrations for any occasion, so I
87
00:05:26.000 --> 00:05:29.759
doubt it. And although my 13th was a big deal,
88
00:05:30.290 --> 00:05:32.269
it was a big deal only because it was my
89
00:05:32.290 --> 00:05:35.629
bar mitzvah. And bar mitzvahs are nearly always big deals.
90
00:05:36.470 --> 00:05:39.629
Even so, mine probably wasn't as big a deal as most,
91
00:05:40.009 --> 00:05:43.949
if only because family finances were tight. With my father
92
00:05:43.990 --> 00:05:46.189
in a long-term care facility, and this was in the
93
00:05:46.230 --> 00:05:50.069
days before universal Medicare in Canada, the mother was virtually
94
00:05:50.110 --> 00:05:53.329
a single mom with only a not particularly generously paying
95
00:05:53.370 --> 00:05:56.959
job to support two kids, me and my older sister,
96
00:05:57.439 --> 00:06:00.970
along with the mortgage. I'm pretty sure she got some
97
00:06:01.029 --> 00:06:04.470
help from my grandfather, my father's father. But even so,
98
00:06:04.529 --> 00:06:08.250
my bar mitzvah was hardly an extravaganza. And whatever the
99
00:06:08.329 --> 00:06:11.120
scale of the celebration, I didn't really feel like the
100
00:06:11.180 --> 00:06:13.920
center of all that hubbub and commotion. I may have
101
00:06:13.939 --> 00:06:16.579
been the reason for it, but I sure didn't feel
102
00:06:16.620 --> 00:06:20.579
like the star. My only real input then was the
103
00:06:20.620 --> 00:06:24.160
handful of friends I got to invite. Not even close friends,
104
00:06:24.180 --> 00:06:27.180
because I only had one close friend, and the rest
105
00:06:27.220 --> 00:06:31.230
of the invites were filler. all of which to say
106
00:06:31.589 --> 00:06:36.500
that after seven decades of birthdays, this birthday's jam-packed schedule
107
00:06:36.519 --> 00:06:40.420
of events and activities was a first. So how did
108
00:06:40.480 --> 00:06:42.920
I react when I first saw that itinerary and the
109
00:06:42.980 --> 00:06:46.459
days that followed? Where do I begin? I had a
110
00:06:46.500 --> 00:06:51.709
full catalogue of emotions and reactions. First, surprise and disbelief.
111
00:06:53.310 --> 00:06:56.040
My daughter's initial question had been a joke, hadn't it?
112
00:06:57.149 --> 00:07:02.000
Was her mom's detailed response also just a bit of fun? Next,
113
00:07:02.040 --> 00:07:04.939
when I realized it wasn't a joke, I was deeply touched.
114
00:07:05.959 --> 00:07:08.100
As I said, no one had ever planned this kind
115
00:07:08.139 --> 00:07:11.939
of birthday extravaganza for me. And like I also said,
116
00:07:11.959 --> 00:07:15.800
my bar mitzvah doesn't count. And even my 50th birthday party,
117
00:07:16.100 --> 00:07:17.899
planned for me by my daughter's mom when we were
118
00:07:17.920 --> 00:07:21.790
still married, felt a bit off. Maybe because I never
119
00:07:21.819 --> 00:07:24.470
seem to do well at parties where mingling and small
120
00:07:24.509 --> 00:07:28.290
talk are the rules. Maybe, too, because I was already
121
00:07:28.389 --> 00:07:31.689
sensing the impending end of my marriage. My wife would
122
00:07:31.709 --> 00:07:35.750
call it quits about a month later. Even so, that
123
00:07:35.800 --> 00:07:38.899
was an evening affair, just one night. This was going
124
00:07:38.920 --> 00:07:42.720
to be a whole weekend. And unlike a big party,
125
00:07:43.420 --> 00:07:47.959
birthday or 50th, this would be intimate, involving only a
126
00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:51.420
few of the most important people in my life, my daughter,
127
00:07:51.879 --> 00:07:55.439
her husband, and her mom. And it would be for me,
128
00:07:55.560 --> 00:07:59.899
just for me, all about me. And that's when the
129
00:07:59.959 --> 00:08:05.800
buttons started getting pushed. My buttons. All this fuss, for me,
130
00:08:05.920 --> 00:08:10.079
just for me. Why? a part of me asked. I
131
00:08:10.120 --> 00:08:13.920
can't possibly merit it. I can't possibly deserve it. I
132
00:08:13.939 --> 00:08:18.829
can't possibly be that loved. Wow, who knew I was
133
00:08:18.870 --> 00:08:23.189
still that self-doubting, still that insecure, still feeling that unworthy.
134
00:08:24.269 --> 00:08:27.569
Still so reluctant to be pushed into the limelight. Still
135
00:08:27.610 --> 00:08:30.110
so reluctant to be noticed. To be that fussed over.
136
00:08:30.810 --> 00:08:32.409
To have a bunch of money spent on me by
137
00:08:32.450 --> 00:08:34.850
people who don't have huge amounts of money to spend.
138
00:08:35.730 --> 00:08:38.629
To be that loved. To take up so much space
139
00:08:38.929 --> 00:08:42.450
in every sense of that phrase. I'll come back to
140
00:08:42.490 --> 00:08:44.389
the space thing in a minute, but first I want
141
00:08:44.409 --> 00:08:47.309
to talk about something else. About being open to love.
142
00:08:47.870 --> 00:08:52.049
But being open to being loved. You know, many people
143
00:08:52.149 --> 00:08:56.269
mocked Sally Field in 1979 when she exclaimed during her
144
00:08:56.370 --> 00:08:59.450
Oscar speech for her Norma Rae Best Actress win, You
145
00:08:59.509 --> 00:09:03.070
like me? You really like me? I had a professional
146
00:09:03.110 --> 00:09:06.360
experience of that back in 2011 when I found myself
147
00:09:06.419 --> 00:09:09.659
on a film set where fundraising trailers were being shot
148
00:09:09.700 --> 00:09:14.179
for the Quintana Trilogy film project. My Quintana fantasy series
149
00:09:14.519 --> 00:09:17.950
was still only a three-book trilogy back then. It didn't
150
00:09:18.009 --> 00:09:21.870
morph into a four-book series, The Legend of Quintana, until
151
00:09:21.889 --> 00:09:24.929
a decade later when I began writing The Bard of Brindoon.
152
00:09:24.950 --> 00:09:27.950
And I tell that unlikely story, the story of the
153
00:09:27.970 --> 00:09:33.659
book's birth, in Stories and Reflections 35. I experienced countless
154
00:09:33.820 --> 00:09:36.539
Sally Field moments of my own while those trailers were
155
00:09:36.580 --> 00:09:40.360
being shot. It was hard to conceive that everyone present
156
00:09:40.419 --> 00:09:43.399
on that film set was there because of me, because
157
00:09:43.440 --> 00:09:48.110
of my words, because of my vision. for large chunks
158
00:09:48.149 --> 00:09:52.860
of those four coffee-fueled twelve-hour days, my mind struggled to
159
00:09:52.899 --> 00:09:57.230
accept that fact. I would hear my dialogue spoken by
160
00:09:57.330 --> 00:10:01.220
costumed in-character actors and messengers be able to connect the
161
00:10:01.259 --> 00:10:04.679
experience with the words I had penned, with the scenes
162
00:10:04.779 --> 00:10:09.080
I had envisioned. There were flashes, of course, moments when
163
00:10:09.120 --> 00:10:11.620
I did recognize that I had written what I was
164
00:10:11.659 --> 00:10:16.460
seeing and hearing. Those moments were indescribable validations of the
165
00:10:16.519 --> 00:10:19.750
power of my dreams and imagination, a power that I realized,
166
00:10:20.230 --> 00:10:24.409
I still didn't fully trust. I'd experienced similar moments during
167
00:10:24.450 --> 00:10:27.649
our casting calls and rehearsals when actors proved to my
168
00:10:27.690 --> 00:10:30.580
doubting mind that my dialogue did work and my stories
169
00:10:30.620 --> 00:10:36.440
were sound. I even cried during particularly powerful readings. Now,
170
00:10:36.539 --> 00:10:40.919
with recreations of my characters interacting in recreations of my worlds,
171
00:10:41.740 --> 00:10:47.639
the proof was incontrovertible. I was gratified, stunned, and scared.
172
00:10:49.519 --> 00:10:52.610
Like a Sally Field surprised by the depth of her gifts,
173
00:10:53.250 --> 00:10:55.909
I didn't know what to do with that proof. And
174
00:10:55.929 --> 00:10:58.730
like a Sally Field overcome by the praise of her peers,
175
00:10:59.549 --> 00:11:01.389
I didn't know what to say when, at the end
176
00:11:01.429 --> 00:11:04.789
of each shooting day, actors thanked me for my stories
177
00:11:05.190 --> 00:11:10.649
and for the privilege of playing my characters. Unfortunately, the
178
00:11:10.710 --> 00:11:13.669
feature films those trailers were designed to help get financed
179
00:11:14.110 --> 00:11:17.769
have still not been made. Well, not yet. That's the
180
00:11:17.809 --> 00:11:21.889
movie business. But those two weekends of filming were powerful
181
00:11:22.190 --> 00:11:26.309
and undeniable validations of my professional worth, my creative worth.
182
00:11:27.049 --> 00:11:30.529
They still are. And just as I can still so
183
00:11:30.720 --> 00:11:35.080
easily turn the clock back to a May afternoon in 2007,
184
00:11:35.080 --> 00:11:37.159
when sitting in my car in the parking lot of
185
00:11:37.179 --> 00:11:40.559
the UPS store in Santa Fe, I burst into tears
186
00:11:40.919 --> 00:11:44.200
when I opened the FedEx envelope containing an advanced copy
187
00:11:44.240 --> 00:11:46.370
of the first edition of The Moon Quest, my first book.
188
00:11:47.250 --> 00:11:50.629
so I can still place myself just off set four
189
00:11:50.690 --> 00:11:53.950
and a half years later, when the second assistant camera
190
00:11:54.029 --> 00:11:56.570
operator clicked her slate in front of the camera and
191
00:11:56.610 --> 00:12:01.289
called out, Scene 10, take 1, marker. It was Saturday morning,
192
00:12:01.809 --> 00:12:04.370
the first take of the first trailer scene to be shot,
193
00:12:05.190 --> 00:12:09.990
and again I burst into tears. That was professional notice,
194
00:12:10.649 --> 00:12:18.000
professional recognition, professional love even, and it was amazing. This birthday, though,
195
00:12:18.700 --> 00:12:20.899
has taken me to a deeper place of being open
196
00:12:20.919 --> 00:12:24.820
to love, to a deeper place of being loved, not
197
00:12:24.879 --> 00:12:27.720
for what I do or what I can create, but
198
00:12:27.740 --> 00:12:31.720
for who I am. Who knew I was still carrying
199
00:12:31.740 --> 00:12:34.399
those childhood echoes of not being good enough, of not
200
00:12:34.440 --> 00:12:37.220
being good enough to be loved, all those decades later,
201
00:12:37.299 --> 00:12:41.190
all these decades later? Of course I'm not that scared
202
00:12:41.230 --> 00:12:43.850
child anymore, the one who doubted his value, the one
203
00:12:43.870 --> 00:12:48.190
who questioned, however unconsciously, whether he was worthy of being loved,
204
00:12:48.529 --> 00:12:51.889
worthy even of being alive. But some part of that
205
00:12:51.950 --> 00:12:56.279
child must still live inside me. As one of my
206
00:12:56.379 --> 00:13:00.539
favorite writers, Madeline L'Engle, wrote in her 1972 memoir, A
207
00:13:00.740 --> 00:13:04.279
Circle of Quiet, I am still every age that I
208
00:13:04.299 --> 00:13:07.639
have been. so that child part of me is still
209
00:13:07.740 --> 00:13:12.220
somewhat present and still needs some attention. And some convincing.
210
00:13:13.120 --> 00:13:15.879
Which brings me back to the notion of space. Of
211
00:13:15.919 --> 00:13:19.730
taking up space. Of deserving to take up space. Of
212
00:13:19.779 --> 00:13:22.610
being more noticed, more seen when we take up space.
213
00:13:23.370 --> 00:13:27.590
Physical space, but also energetic space. Because in the end,
214
00:13:28.269 --> 00:13:32.259
they're the same. Although during the years of my spiritual
215
00:13:32.340 --> 00:13:36.519
blacktop journeying, those open-ended road artsies I mentioned earlier and
216
00:13:36.539 --> 00:13:40.039
have mentioned often in these podcasts, I stayed mostly in
217
00:13:40.080 --> 00:13:43.419
hotels and motels. Every once in a while, I was
218
00:13:43.470 --> 00:13:47.509
invited to crash for a few days in someone's home. Sometimes,
219
00:13:47.850 --> 00:13:50.950
the invitation came from someone I knew, someone I'd known
220
00:13:50.990 --> 00:13:55.149
for a while, someone I'd actually met in person. Sometimes, though,
221
00:13:55.509 --> 00:13:59.309
the invitation came from someone I'd met only virtually. a
222
00:13:59.350 --> 00:14:02.009
Facebook friend who had been following my journeying, for example,
223
00:14:02.629 --> 00:14:04.750
or someone who had read one or several of my books,
224
00:14:05.549 --> 00:14:08.950
I have to explain something. Traveling on an open-ended road
225
00:14:09.009 --> 00:14:12.250
trip with everything you own packed into your car is
226
00:14:12.350 --> 00:14:14.860
not the same as going away for a weekend with
227
00:14:14.899 --> 00:14:20.259
an overnight bag. Through those months-long or years-long journeys, pretty
228
00:14:20.279 --> 00:14:23.100
much all my clothes were packed into one large suitcase.
229
00:14:23.820 --> 00:14:26.379
Pretty much all my toiletries were packed into a duffel bag.
230
00:14:27.529 --> 00:14:30.350
Then there was the cooler, which held my perishable food,
231
00:14:30.809 --> 00:14:33.320
and the backpack that held my laptop and related gear.
232
00:14:34.129 --> 00:14:36.340
And because I'd travel with a dog, there was also
233
00:14:36.419 --> 00:14:39.879
his food, his food dishes, his toys, and his medication.
234
00:14:41.200 --> 00:14:44.279
And let's not forget my pillows, two of them for
235
00:14:44.320 --> 00:14:48.980
some home-away-from-home comfort. Whether I was spending a single night
236
00:14:49.039 --> 00:14:52.620
in a hotel or a weekend in someone's home, all
237
00:14:52.679 --> 00:14:56.120
that stuff needed to be offloaded from my car. As well,
238
00:14:56.509 --> 00:14:59.629
My perishables needed fridge space, and my ice packs needed
239
00:14:59.690 --> 00:15:04.169
freezer space. In short, I took up a lot of space.
240
00:15:05.330 --> 00:15:09.769
And sometimes that embarrassed me. It also embarrassed me sometimes
241
00:15:10.200 --> 00:15:12.919
when I wheeled all that from my car past the
242
00:15:12.960 --> 00:15:15.879
hotel's front desk and toward the elevator in my room.
243
00:15:17.240 --> 00:15:20.340
Then it was less about space and more about standing out,
244
00:15:20.360 --> 00:15:24.509
about not being able to be invisible. After all, it's
245
00:15:24.549 --> 00:15:26.830
hard to ignore a guy in his 60s or 70s
246
00:15:27.250 --> 00:15:30.970
pushing a nearly overflowing luggage cart while trying to control
247
00:15:31.029 --> 00:15:34.169
a hyperactive dog that expects a treat every time he
248
00:15:34.240 --> 00:15:38.059
passes any kind of a counter, including every hotel's front desk.
249
00:15:39.279 --> 00:15:41.659
For someone who owned so little, it was quite the
250
00:15:41.700 --> 00:15:45.500
moving job. Often it was quite the daily moving job.
251
00:15:46.330 --> 00:15:48.309
But it was worse, in a way, when I stayed
252
00:15:48.350 --> 00:15:51.549
in someone's home. No one had to make space for
253
00:15:51.590 --> 00:15:54.110
me in a hotel, regardless of how much stuff I
254
00:15:54.149 --> 00:15:57.789
hauled into my room. In a hotel, I didn't disrupt anything.
255
00:15:58.509 --> 00:16:01.340
It was different in a private home, where space had
256
00:16:01.360 --> 00:16:03.960
to be carved out for me and my stuff. And
257
00:16:04.000 --> 00:16:07.899
in the fridge and freezer, too. So yes, I often
258
00:16:07.940 --> 00:16:10.950
felt embarrassed. But I didn't really think about the root
259
00:16:10.990 --> 00:16:14.169
cause of all that, until now, till I started talking
260
00:16:14.190 --> 00:16:18.320
about birthdays, about this latest birthday in particular. and about
261
00:16:18.360 --> 00:16:23.190
the unexpected portal energy of this one. This birthday, and
262
00:16:23.230 --> 00:16:26.029
it isn't even a milestone birthday unless you consider every
263
00:16:26.070 --> 00:16:30.350
birthday from 70 on be milestone, this birthday, because of
264
00:16:30.409 --> 00:16:35.440
its unusually extensive celebratory activities, is forcing me to see
265
00:16:35.500 --> 00:16:39.559
myself as worthy and worthwhile, of deserving to take up
266
00:16:39.600 --> 00:16:43.179
space in the world, of not only deserving to be loved,
267
00:16:44.230 --> 00:16:46.789
but of giving myself permission to let that love in.
268
00:16:48.240 --> 00:16:51.600
It's forcing me to leave that 1979 version of Sally
269
00:16:51.639 --> 00:16:55.850
Field behind, so I'm no longer surprised and uncomfortable when
270
00:16:55.889 --> 00:17:00.049
I discover that people like, love, and value me. And
271
00:17:00.129 --> 00:17:04.589
more importantly, to not be embarrassed or ashamed to let
272
00:17:04.630 --> 00:17:09.349
that love in. It's funny how the universe, or God,
273
00:17:09.410 --> 00:17:12.329
or my higher self, or whatever you choose to call
274
00:17:12.369 --> 00:17:17.190
that infinite indwelling presence that is simultaneously my wisest aspect
275
00:17:17.750 --> 00:17:20.609
and the ineffable universality that is the sum of all
276
00:17:20.630 --> 00:17:24.279
that is. It's funny how that force that transcends the
277
00:17:24.359 --> 00:17:27.759
limits of our conscious mind's ability to explain or understand,
278
00:17:27.779 --> 00:17:30.420
a force that is at the same time part of
279
00:17:30.460 --> 00:17:33.829
me and of which I'm a part. It's funny how
280
00:17:34.170 --> 00:17:38.089
that force sends messages of confirmation and validation to us
281
00:17:38.869 --> 00:17:42.569
when we most need them and least expect them. I'd
282
00:17:42.609 --> 00:17:44.869
taken a break from writing this episode the other night,
283
00:17:45.269 --> 00:17:47.529
the taking up too much space part of the episode,
284
00:17:48.109 --> 00:17:50.690
and I was listening to an audiobook, Murder at the
285
00:17:50.730 --> 00:17:54.970
Grand Alpine Hotel, suspense writer Lucy Foley's take on an
286
00:17:55.119 --> 00:17:58.160
Agatha Christie, Miss Marple story. And one of the first
287
00:17:58.259 --> 00:18:00.380
lines I heard as soon as I clicked play went
288
00:18:00.420 --> 00:18:04.029
like this. I have spent too much of my life
289
00:18:04.109 --> 00:18:09.059
already trying not to take up too much space. Indeed.
290
00:18:10.680 --> 00:18:13.160
I spoke way back at the beginning of this podcast
291
00:18:13.619 --> 00:18:15.619
about how I always spend at least part of my
292
00:18:15.660 --> 00:18:19.910
birthday and New Year's Day in activities whose underlying energy
293
00:18:19.930 --> 00:18:22.930
is important to me for the coming year. The idea
294
00:18:23.250 --> 00:18:25.869
is to anchor that energy so that it infuses the
295
00:18:25.890 --> 00:18:30.900
year ahead. This birthday, the higher powers that be conspired
296
00:18:31.279 --> 00:18:37.049
to break my decades-long pattern of largely quiet solo time. Instead,
297
00:18:37.069 --> 00:18:40.869
those same higher powers that be challenged me in ways
298
00:18:40.910 --> 00:18:44.569
that haven't been entirely comfortable. Too open to seeing myself
299
00:18:44.710 --> 00:18:48.509
as valued and valuable. Too open to pushing myself out
300
00:18:48.549 --> 00:18:52.410
of the comfort zone of my solitary cocoon. To let
301
00:18:52.509 --> 00:18:56.710
myself be surrounded by expressions of value and recognition. by
302
00:18:56.769 --> 00:19:01.190
demonstrations that I matter, just because of who I am.
303
00:19:02.309 --> 00:19:05.319
To open to letting myself be loved and to let
304
00:19:05.390 --> 00:19:14.480
myself receive that love, unashamedly, unapologetically, and unconditionally. And to
305
00:19:14.519 --> 00:19:18.079
make sure I got the message, those same higher powers
306
00:19:18.099 --> 00:19:21.099
that be dispatched all that to me not only on
307
00:19:21.140 --> 00:19:25.329
the day of my birthday, but all through the weekend. No,
308
00:19:25.369 --> 00:19:27.890
I still spent some time on my birthday morning writing,
309
00:19:28.670 --> 00:19:32.190
because that's still an important energy and activity for me
310
00:19:32.210 --> 00:19:36.440
to anchor into my new year. But even more important
311
00:19:36.460 --> 00:19:38.660
for me to anchor into this next year is the
312
00:19:38.720 --> 00:19:43.099
energy of belonging, the energy of letting myself be seen,
313
00:19:43.549 --> 00:19:47.329
the energy of letting myself take up space, the energy
314
00:19:47.809 --> 00:19:51.529
of letting myself be loved. I'm pretty sure I've never
315
00:19:51.690 --> 00:19:55.150
anchored those energies into my year on any birthday ever before.
316
00:19:56.390 --> 00:19:59.720
And now, having done it, I know that this is
317
00:19:59.980 --> 00:20:05.299
truly going to be an amazing, outstanding, expansive year. I'm
318
00:20:05.460 --> 00:20:13.160
so ready. Thanks for joining me for Stories and Reflections today.
319
00:20:13.839 --> 00:20:16.079
I hope you found moments in my stories that touched
320
00:20:16.119 --> 00:20:19.579
something in yours. If you haven't already, be sure to
321
00:20:19.619 --> 00:20:22.859
subscribe so you don't miss future episodes. And for more
322
00:20:22.880 --> 00:20:26.029
of my stories and help telling yours, check out my
323
00:20:26.069 --> 00:20:33.369
books at markdavidgerson.com or from online booksellers worldwide. Until next time,
324
00:20:33.890 --> 00:20:37.930
don't forget that you're a storyteller too. And keep telling
325
00:20:38.509 --> 00:20:49.029
your stories. The intro and outro music for today's episode
326
00:20:49.170 --> 00:20:55.359
is Heartwarming by Kevin MacLeod from incompetech.com, licensed under Creative Commons.
1
00:00:00.490 --> 00:00:04.690
Hi, I'm Mark David Gerson. Welcome to Stories and Reflections,
2
00:00:05.230 --> 00:00:20.460
where my stories are also yours. It was my birthday
3
00:00:20.519 --> 00:00:24.019
last week, another turn around the sun, and another opportunity
4
00:00:24.059 --> 00:00:26.440
to reflect on the year just passed and the new
5
00:00:26.480 --> 00:00:29.760
year I'm moving into. I talked a few weeks ago
6
00:00:29.820 --> 00:00:33.310
in Stories and Reflections 38 about many of the birthdays
7
00:00:33.350 --> 00:00:37.070
that changed my life. That's because so many of my birthdays,
8
00:00:37.229 --> 00:00:39.429
all the way back to my 13th, which is really
9
00:00:39.490 --> 00:00:42.390
the only one I sort of remember, have changed my life,
10
00:00:42.789 --> 00:00:46.009
have been portals of a sort, thresholds I've crossed, not
11
00:00:46.130 --> 00:00:49.049
only in terms of chronological numbers, but in terms of
12
00:00:49.109 --> 00:00:52.719
life changes. Some of those life changes have been radical
13
00:00:52.899 --> 00:00:56.329
and dramatic. Take my 43rd, for example, which was a
14
00:00:56.390 --> 00:00:59.409
portal not only into fatherhood and a new family, but
15
00:00:59.770 --> 00:01:02.670
to a new country. And if my 43rd was a
16
00:01:02.689 --> 00:01:06.140
portal into marriage, my 50th was a portal out of
17
00:01:06.189 --> 00:01:10.480
that same marriage. Again, I talk about those and many
18
00:01:10.620 --> 00:01:15.140
other birthdays in Stories and Reflections 38. I couldn't know,
19
00:01:15.200 --> 00:01:17.859
of course, when I recorded Stories and Reflections 38, the
20
00:01:18.459 --> 00:01:22.799
full import and impact of this birthday significance. And in
21
00:01:22.840 --> 00:01:26.200
this moment of this story, of my story, I still don't.
22
00:01:27.390 --> 00:01:30.810
Yet I've had hints. My sudden and miraculous return to
23
00:01:30.849 --> 00:01:34.569
Sedona a month ago, for example. Sedona, as I've noted
24
00:01:34.590 --> 00:01:37.930
in several episodes in recent months, notably in Stories and
25
00:01:37.969 --> 00:01:42.469
Reflections 27 and Stories and Reflections 37, has played a
26
00:01:42.569 --> 00:01:46.439
hugely significant role in my life, particularly around my birthdays.
27
00:01:47.260 --> 00:01:51.060
I've probably experienced more life changes here than anywhere else
28
00:01:51.140 --> 00:01:55.870
I've lived. and I've lived in lots of places. Not
29
00:01:55.909 --> 00:02:00.549
to mention all those open-ended road odysseys, blacktop spiritual journeys,
30
00:02:00.950 --> 00:02:03.920
I sometimes call them, that have carried me to and
31
00:02:03.950 --> 00:02:07.459
through so many, many, many more in both Canada and
32
00:02:07.500 --> 00:02:11.819
the U.S. Another hint, which also kicked in around four
33
00:02:11.860 --> 00:02:16.060
weeks ago, and equally unexpectedly, was the urgent call to
34
00:02:16.120 --> 00:02:18.969
return to regular work on the fifth book in my
35
00:02:19.030 --> 00:02:22.719
Legend of Katana fantasy series. I've been working on the
36
00:02:22.780 --> 00:02:26.699
Lost Horse of Brindoon for nearly six years. I began
37
00:02:26.759 --> 00:02:33.240
it on February 2nd, 2022. That's 2-2-22. How's that for
38
00:02:33.280 --> 00:02:37.080
a cosmic number? But until that urgent call, I've been
39
00:02:37.120 --> 00:02:40.530
working on it only sporadically. Now I'm working on it
40
00:02:40.629 --> 00:02:44.270
almost every day, and along with this podcast, it's become
41
00:02:44.310 --> 00:02:48.189
my top priority. The thing about birthday portals, at least
42
00:02:48.219 --> 00:02:51.210
in my life, is that they don't necessarily kick in
43
00:02:51.389 --> 00:02:54.990
on the day. In my world, they can begin to
44
00:02:55.050 --> 00:02:57.430
show up four to six weeks before the big day,
45
00:02:57.710 --> 00:02:59.870
and they can continue to echo in my life in
46
00:02:59.889 --> 00:03:03.189
the weeks after. That's why I said a bit ago
47
00:03:03.550 --> 00:03:06.449
that the full import and impact of this most recent
48
00:03:06.490 --> 00:03:11.270
birthday hasn't fully revealed itself. But here's one way that
49
00:03:11.289 --> 00:03:14.169
it has, or at least that it has forced me
50
00:03:14.210 --> 00:03:16.889
to rethink some things. And that's what I want to
51
00:03:16.930 --> 00:03:19.509
share with you today, because I think that for many
52
00:03:19.550 --> 00:03:22.090
of you, whether you have an imminent birthday or not,
53
00:03:22.650 --> 00:03:27.580
my story is, in some ways, also yours. When I
54
00:03:27.639 --> 00:03:30.680
talked about my birthdays in Stories and Reflections 38, I
55
00:03:31.439 --> 00:03:35.060
mentioned that with only two notable exceptions, my 13th and
56
00:03:35.099 --> 00:03:40.060
my 50th, my birthdays have been more about introspection than celebration.
57
00:03:41.219 --> 00:03:44.349
Over the past 30-plus years, I've tended to spend at
58
00:03:44.389 --> 00:03:47.379
least part of my birthday days doing things that are
59
00:03:47.419 --> 00:03:50.090
important to me, so as to anchor them into my
60
00:03:50.150 --> 00:03:53.349
life for the year ahead. I generally do something similar
61
00:03:53.710 --> 00:03:57.069
on New Year's Day for the same reason. More often
62
00:03:57.110 --> 00:04:00.009
than not, I've spent time writing on a current project
63
00:04:00.229 --> 00:04:04.150
and getting out into nature. And nearly always, I've reserved
64
00:04:04.189 --> 00:04:07.949
the day for myself, scheduling birthday dinners and coffee meetups
65
00:04:08.229 --> 00:04:12.310
for the days just before or just after. But something
66
00:04:12.370 --> 00:04:16.079
shifted this year. I knew my daughter and son-in-law would
67
00:04:16.100 --> 00:04:18.339
be driving up to Sedona from Phoenix for my birthday
68
00:04:18.379 --> 00:04:21.259
weekend to spend time with me and with my daughter's mom.
69
00:04:22.370 --> 00:04:24.870
But I wasn't expecting anything more than a birthday dinner
70
00:04:24.990 --> 00:04:28.149
and maybe a brunch. That's how it's largely been in
71
00:04:28.189 --> 00:04:31.189
years past, at least when we've all been within easy
72
00:04:31.230 --> 00:04:35.209
driving distance of each other. Then a week before my birthday,
73
00:04:35.569 --> 00:04:38.720
my daughter texted me and her mom. What's the expected
74
00:04:38.759 --> 00:04:41.790
itinerary for the weekend, she asked. I figured it was
75
00:04:41.819 --> 00:04:44.310
a joke. Like I said, we've never done much more
76
00:04:44.329 --> 00:04:46.290
than a dinner or a brunch, or maybe both, for
77
00:04:46.310 --> 00:04:50.370
my birthday. It was no joke 90 minutes later, though,
78
00:04:50.850 --> 00:04:54.420
when her mom texted both of us a detailed, jam-packed
79
00:04:54.459 --> 00:04:58.379
schedule of events and activities, all built around my birthday.
80
00:04:59.220 --> 00:05:04.290
All built around me. This was my 72nd birthday day,
81
00:05:04.689 --> 00:05:08.290
birthday weekend, and as far as I can remember, no
82
00:05:08.350 --> 00:05:11.689
one has ever built a weekend of events, celebrations, and
83
00:05:11.730 --> 00:05:16.790
activities for me around my birthday. Until now. Now maybe
84
00:05:16.810 --> 00:05:18.889
it happened when I was a kid, but I don't
85
00:05:18.949 --> 00:05:22.360
remember any birthdays before my 13th, and my family was
86
00:05:22.399 --> 00:05:25.959
never big on big celebrations for any occasion, so I
87
00:05:26.000 --> 00:05:29.759
doubt it. And although my 13th was a big deal,
88
00:05:30.290 --> 00:05:32.269
it was a big deal only because it was my
89
00:05:32.290 --> 00:05:35.629
bar mitzvah. And bar mitzvahs are nearly always big deals.
90
00:05:36.470 --> 00:05:39.629
Even so, mine probably wasn't as big a deal as most,
91
00:05:40.009 --> 00:05:43.949
if only because family finances were tight. With my father
92
00:05:43.990 --> 00:05:46.189
in a long-term care facility, and this was in the
93
00:05:46.230 --> 00:05:50.069
days before universal Medicare in Canada, the mother was virtually
94
00:05:50.110 --> 00:05:53.329
a single mom with only a not particularly generously paying
95
00:05:53.370 --> 00:05:56.959
job to support two kids, me and my older sister,
96
00:05:57.439 --> 00:06:00.970
along with the mortgage. I'm pretty sure she got some
97
00:06:01.029 --> 00:06:04.470
help from my grandfather, my father's father. But even so,
98
00:06:04.529 --> 00:06:08.250
my bar mitzvah was hardly an extravaganza. And whatever the
99
00:06:08.329 --> 00:06:11.120
scale of the celebration, I didn't really feel like the
100
00:06:11.180 --> 00:06:13.920
center of all that hubbub and commotion. I may have
101
00:06:13.939 --> 00:06:16.579
been the reason for it, but I sure didn't feel
102
00:06:16.620 --> 00:06:20.579
like the star. My only real input then was the
103
00:06:20.620 --> 00:06:24.160
handful of friends I got to invite. Not even close friends,
104
00:06:24.180 --> 00:06:27.180
because I only had one close friend, and the rest
105
00:06:27.220 --> 00:06:31.230
of the invites were filler. all of which to say
106
00:06:31.589 --> 00:06:36.500
that after seven decades of birthdays, this birthday's jam-packed schedule
107
00:06:36.519 --> 00:06:40.420
of events and activities was a first. So how did
108
00:06:40.480 --> 00:06:42.920
I react when I first saw that itinerary and the
109
00:06:42.980 --> 00:06:46.459
days that followed? Where do I begin? I had a
110
00:06:46.500 --> 00:06:51.709
full catalogue of emotions and reactions. First, surprise and disbelief.
111
00:06:53.310 --> 00:06:56.040
My daughter's initial question had been a joke, hadn't it?
112
00:06:57.149 --> 00:07:02.000
Was her mom's detailed response also just a bit of fun? Next,
113
00:07:02.040 --> 00:07:04.939
when I realized it wasn't a joke, I was deeply touched.
114
00:07:05.959 --> 00:07:08.100
As I said, no one had ever planned this kind
115
00:07:08.139 --> 00:07:11.939
of birthday extravaganza for me. And like I also said,
116
00:07:11.959 --> 00:07:15.800
my bar mitzvah doesn't count. And even my 50th birthday party,
117
00:07:16.100 --> 00:07:17.899
planned for me by my daughter's mom when we were
118
00:07:17.920 --> 00:07:21.790
still married, felt a bit off. Maybe because I never
119
00:07:21.819 --> 00:07:24.470
seem to do well at parties where mingling and small
120
00:07:24.509 --> 00:07:28.290
talk are the rules. Maybe, too, because I was already
121
00:07:28.389 --> 00:07:31.689
sensing the impending end of my marriage. My wife would
122
00:07:31.709 --> 00:07:35.750
call it quits about a month later. Even so, that
123
00:07:35.800 --> 00:07:38.899
was an evening affair, just one night. This was going
124
00:07:38.920 --> 00:07:42.720
to be a whole weekend. And unlike a big party,
125
00:07:43.420 --> 00:07:47.959
birthday or 50th, this would be intimate, involving only a
126
00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:51.420
few of the most important people in my life, my daughter,
127
00:07:51.879 --> 00:07:55.439
her husband, and her mom. And it would be for me,
128
00:07:55.560 --> 00:07:59.899
just for me, all about me. And that's when the
129
00:07:59.959 --> 00:08:05.800
buttons started getting pushed. My buttons. All this fuss, for me,
130
00:08:05.920 --> 00:08:10.079
just for me. Why? a part of me asked. I
131
00:08:10.120 --> 00:08:13.920
can't possibly merit it. I can't possibly deserve it. I
132
00:08:13.939 --> 00:08:18.829
can't possibly be that loved. Wow, who knew I was
133
00:08:18.870 --> 00:08:23.189
still that self-doubting, still that insecure, still feeling that unworthy.
134
00:08:24.269 --> 00:08:27.569
Still so reluctant to be pushed into the limelight. Still
135
00:08:27.610 --> 00:08:30.110
so reluctant to be noticed. To be that fussed over.
136
00:08:30.810 --> 00:08:32.409
To have a bunch of money spent on me by
137
00:08:32.450 --> 00:08:34.850
people who don't have huge amounts of money to spend.
138
00:08:35.730 --> 00:08:38.629
To be that loved. To take up so much space
139
00:08:38.929 --> 00:08:42.450
in every sense of that phrase. I'll come back to
140
00:08:42.490 --> 00:08:44.389
the space thing in a minute, but first I want
141
00:08:44.409 --> 00:08:47.309
to talk about something else. About being open to love.
142
00:08:47.870 --> 00:08:52.049
But being open to being loved. You know, many people
143
00:08:52.149 --> 00:08:56.269
mocked Sally Field in 1979 when she exclaimed during her
144
00:08:56.370 --> 00:08:59.450
Oscar speech for her Norma Rae Best Actress win, You
145
00:08:59.509 --> 00:09:03.070
like me? You really like me? I had a professional
146
00:09:03.110 --> 00:09:06.360
experience of that back in 2011 when I found myself
147
00:09:06.419 --> 00:09:09.659
on a film set where fundraising trailers were being shot
148
00:09:09.700 --> 00:09:14.179
for the Quintana Trilogy film project. My Quintana fantasy series
149
00:09:14.519 --> 00:09:17.950
was still only a three-book trilogy back then. It didn't
150
00:09:18.009 --> 00:09:21.870
morph into a four-book series, The Legend of Quintana, until
151
00:09:21.889 --> 00:09:24.929
a decade later when I began writing The Bard of Brindoon.
152
00:09:24.950 --> 00:09:27.950
And I tell that unlikely story, the story of the
153
00:09:27.970 --> 00:09:33.659
book's birth, in Stories and Reflections 35. I experienced countless
154
00:09:33.820 --> 00:09:36.539
Sally Field moments of my own while those trailers were
155
00:09:36.580 --> 00:09:40.360
being shot. It was hard to conceive that everyone present
156
00:09:40.419 --> 00:09:43.399
on that film set was there because of me, because
157
00:09:43.440 --> 00:09:48.110
of my words, because of my vision. for large chunks
158
00:09:48.149 --> 00:09:52.860
of those four coffee-fueled twelve-hour days, my mind struggled to
159
00:09:52.899 --> 00:09:57.230
accept that fact. I would hear my dialogue spoken by
160
00:09:57.330 --> 00:10:01.220
costumed in-character actors and messengers be able to connect the
161
00:10:01.259 --> 00:10:04.679
experience with the words I had penned, with the scenes
162
00:10:04.779 --> 00:10:09.080
I had envisioned. There were flashes, of course, moments when
163
00:10:09.120 --> 00:10:11.620
I did recognize that I had written what I was
164
00:10:11.659 --> 00:10:16.460
seeing and hearing. Those moments were indescribable validations of the
165
00:10:16.519 --> 00:10:19.750
power of my dreams and imagination, a power that I realized,
166
00:10:20.230 --> 00:10:24.409
I still didn't fully trust. I'd experienced similar moments during
167
00:10:24.450 --> 00:10:27.649
our casting calls and rehearsals when actors proved to my
168
00:10:27.690 --> 00:10:30.580
doubting mind that my dialogue did work and my stories
169
00:10:30.620 --> 00:10:36.440
were sound. I even cried during particularly powerful readings. Now,
170
00:10:36.539 --> 00:10:40.919
with recreations of my characters interacting in recreations of my worlds,
171
00:10:41.740 --> 00:10:47.639
the proof was incontrovertible. I was gratified, stunned, and scared.
172
00:10:49.519 --> 00:10:52.610
Like a Sally Field surprised by the depth of her gifts,
173
00:10:53.250 --> 00:10:55.909
I didn't know what to do with that proof. And
174
00:10:55.929 --> 00:10:58.730
like a Sally Field overcome by the praise of her peers,
175
00:10:59.549 --> 00:11:01.389
I didn't know what to say when, at the end
176
00:11:01.429 --> 00:11:04.789
of each shooting day, actors thanked me for my stories
177
00:11:05.190 --> 00:11:10.649
and for the privilege of playing my characters. Unfortunately, the
178
00:11:10.710 --> 00:11:13.669
feature films those trailers were designed to help get financed
179
00:11:14.110 --> 00:11:17.769
have still not been made. Well, not yet. That's the
180
00:11:17.809 --> 00:11:21.889
movie business. But those two weekends of filming were powerful
181
00:11:22.190 --> 00:11:26.309
and undeniable validations of my professional worth, my creative worth.
182
00:11:27.049 --> 00:11:30.529
They still are. And just as I can still so
183
00:11:30.720 --> 00:11:35.080
easily turn the clock back to a May afternoon in 2007,
184
00:11:35.080 --> 00:11:37.159
when sitting in my car in the parking lot of
185
00:11:37.179 --> 00:11:40.559
the UPS store in Santa Fe, I burst into tears
186
00:11:40.919 --> 00:11:44.200
when I opened the FedEx envelope containing an advanced copy
187
00:11:44.240 --> 00:11:46.370
of the first edition of The Moon Quest, my first book.
188
00:11:47.250 --> 00:11:50.629
so I can still place myself just off set four
189
00:11:50.690 --> 00:11:53.950
and a half years later, when the second assistant camera
190
00:11:54.029 --> 00:11:56.570
operator clicked her slate in front of the camera and
191
00:11:56.610 --> 00:12:01.289
called out, Scene 10, take 1, marker. It was Saturday morning,
192
00:12:01.809 --> 00:12:04.370
the first take of the first trailer scene to be shot,
193
00:12:05.190 --> 00:12:09.990
and again I burst into tears. That was professional notice,
194
00:12:10.649 --> 00:12:18.000
professional recognition, professional love even, and it was amazing. This birthday, though,
195
00:12:18.700 --> 00:12:20.899
has taken me to a deeper place of being open
196
00:12:20.919 --> 00:12:24.820
to love, to a deeper place of being loved, not
197
00:12:24.879 --> 00:12:27.720
for what I do or what I can create, but
198
00:12:27.740 --> 00:12:31.720
for who I am. Who knew I was still carrying
199
00:12:31.740 --> 00:12:34.399
those childhood echoes of not being good enough, of not
200
00:12:34.440 --> 00:12:37.220
being good enough to be loved, all those decades later,
201
00:12:37.299 --> 00:12:41.190
all these decades later? Of course I'm not that scared
202
00:12:41.230 --> 00:12:43.850
child anymore, the one who doubted his value, the one
203
00:12:43.870 --> 00:12:48.190
who questioned, however unconsciously, whether he was worthy of being loved,
204
00:12:48.529 --> 00:12:51.889
worthy even of being alive. But some part of that
205
00:12:51.950 --> 00:12:56.279
child must still live inside me. As one of my
206
00:12:56.379 --> 00:13:00.539
favorite writers, Madeline L'Engle, wrote in her 1972 memoir, A
207
00:13:00.740 --> 00:13:04.279
Circle of Quiet, I am still every age that I
208
00:13:04.299 --> 00:13:07.639
have been. so that child part of me is still
209
00:13:07.740 --> 00:13:12.220
somewhat present and still needs some attention. And some convincing.
210
00:13:13.120 --> 00:13:15.879
Which brings me back to the notion of space. Of
211
00:13:15.919 --> 00:13:19.730
taking up space. Of deserving to take up space. Of
212
00:13:19.779 --> 00:13:22.610
being more noticed, more seen when we take up space.
213
00:13:23.370 --> 00:13:27.590
Physical space, but also energetic space. Because in the end,
214
00:13:28.269 --> 00:13:32.259
they're the same. Although during the years of my spiritual
215
00:13:32.340 --> 00:13:36.519
blacktop journeying, those open-ended road artsies I mentioned earlier and
216
00:13:36.539 --> 00:13:40.039
have mentioned often in these podcasts, I stayed mostly in
217
00:13:40.080 --> 00:13:43.419
hotels and motels. Every once in a while, I was
218
00:13:43.470 --> 00:13:47.509
invited to crash for a few days in someone's home. Sometimes,
219
00:13:47.850 --> 00:13:50.950
the invitation came from someone I knew, someone I'd known
220
00:13:50.990 --> 00:13:55.149
for a while, someone I'd actually met in person. Sometimes, though,
221
00:13:55.509 --> 00:13:59.309
the invitation came from someone I'd met only virtually. a
222
00:13:59.350 --> 00:14:02.009
Facebook friend who had been following my journeying, for example,
223
00:14:02.629 --> 00:14:04.750
or someone who had read one or several of my books,
224
00:14:05.549 --> 00:14:08.950
I have to explain something. Traveling on an open-ended road
225
00:14:09.009 --> 00:14:12.250
trip with everything you own packed into your car is
226
00:14:12.350 --> 00:14:14.860
not the same as going away for a weekend with
227
00:14:14.899 --> 00:14:20.259
an overnight bag. Through those months-long or years-long journeys, pretty
228
00:14:20.279 --> 00:14:23.100
much all my clothes were packed into one large suitcase.
229
00:14:23.820 --> 00:14:26.379
Pretty much all my toiletries were packed into a duffel bag.
230
00:14:27.529 --> 00:14:30.350
Then there was the cooler, which held my perishable food,
231
00:14:30.809 --> 00:14:33.320
and the backpack that held my laptop and related gear.
232
00:14:34.129 --> 00:14:36.340
And because I'd travel with a dog, there was also
233
00:14:36.419 --> 00:14:39.879
his food, his food dishes, his toys, and his medication.
234
00:14:41.200 --> 00:14:44.279
And let's not forget my pillows, two of them for
235
00:14:44.320 --> 00:14:48.980
some home-away-from-home comfort. Whether I was spending a single night
236
00:14:49.039 --> 00:14:52.620
in a hotel or a weekend in someone's home, all
237
00:14:52.679 --> 00:14:56.120
that stuff needed to be offloaded from my car. As well,
238
00:14:56.509 --> 00:14:59.629
My perishables needed fridge space, and my ice packs needed
239
00:14:59.690 --> 00:15:04.169
freezer space. In short, I took up a lot of space.
240
00:15:05.330 --> 00:15:09.769
And sometimes that embarrassed me. It also embarrassed me sometimes
241
00:15:10.200 --> 00:15:12.919
when I wheeled all that from my car past the
242
00:15:12.960 --> 00:15:15.879
hotel's front desk and toward the elevator in my room.
243
00:15:17.240 --> 00:15:20.340
Then it was less about space and more about standing out,
244
00:15:20.360 --> 00:15:24.509
about not being able to be invisible. After all, it's
245
00:15:24.549 --> 00:15:26.830
hard to ignore a guy in his 60s or 70s
246
00:15:27.250 --> 00:15:30.970
pushing a nearly overflowing luggage cart while trying to control
247
00:15:31.029 --> 00:15:34.169
a hyperactive dog that expects a treat every time he
248
00:15:34.240 --> 00:15:38.059
passes any kind of a counter, including every hotel's front desk.
249
00:15:39.279 --> 00:15:41.659
For someone who owned so little, it was quite the
250
00:15:41.700 --> 00:15:45.500
moving job. Often it was quite the daily moving job.
251
00:15:46.330 --> 00:15:48.309
But it was worse, in a way, when I stayed
252
00:15:48.350 --> 00:15:51.549
in someone's home. No one had to make space for
253
00:15:51.590 --> 00:15:54.110
me in a hotel, regardless of how much stuff I
254
00:15:54.149 --> 00:15:57.789
hauled into my room. In a hotel, I didn't disrupt anything.
255
00:15:58.509 --> 00:16:01.340
It was different in a private home, where space had
256
00:16:01.360 --> 00:16:03.960
to be carved out for me and my stuff. And
257
00:16:04.000 --> 00:16:07.899
in the fridge and freezer, too. So yes, I often
258
00:16:07.940 --> 00:16:10.950
felt embarrassed. But I didn't really think about the root
259
00:16:10.990 --> 00:16:14.169
cause of all that, until now, till I started talking
260
00:16:14.190 --> 00:16:18.320
about birthdays, about this latest birthday in particular. and about
261
00:16:18.360 --> 00:16:23.190
the unexpected portal energy of this one. This birthday, and
262
00:16:23.230 --> 00:16:26.029
it isn't even a milestone birthday unless you consider every
263
00:16:26.070 --> 00:16:30.350
birthday from 70 on be milestone, this birthday, because of
264
00:16:30.409 --> 00:16:35.440
its unusually extensive celebratory activities, is forcing me to see
265
00:16:35.500 --> 00:16:39.559
myself as worthy and worthwhile, of deserving to take up
266
00:16:39.600 --> 00:16:43.179
space in the world, of not only deserving to be loved,
267
00:16:44.230 --> 00:16:46.789
but of giving myself permission to let that love in.
268
00:16:48.240 --> 00:16:51.600
It's forcing me to leave that 1979 version of Sally
269
00:16:51.639 --> 00:16:55.850
Field behind, so I'm no longer surprised and uncomfortable when
270
00:16:55.889 --> 00:17:00.049
I discover that people like, love, and value me. And
271
00:17:00.129 --> 00:17:04.589
more importantly, to not be embarrassed or ashamed to let
272
00:17:04.630 --> 00:17:09.349
that love in. It's funny how the universe, or God,
273
00:17:09.410 --> 00:17:12.329
or my higher self, or whatever you choose to call
274
00:17:12.369 --> 00:17:17.190
that infinite indwelling presence that is simultaneously my wisest aspect
275
00:17:17.750 --> 00:17:20.609
and the ineffable universality that is the sum of all
276
00:17:20.630 --> 00:17:24.279
that is. It's funny how that force that transcends the
277
00:17:24.359 --> 00:17:27.759
limits of our conscious mind's ability to explain or understand,
278
00:17:27.779 --> 00:17:30.420
a force that is at the same time part of
279
00:17:30.460 --> 00:17:33.829
me and of which I'm a part. It's funny how
280
00:17:34.170 --> 00:17:38.089
that force sends messages of confirmation and validation to us
281
00:17:38.869 --> 00:17:42.569
when we most need them and least expect them. I'd
282
00:17:42.609 --> 00:17:44.869
taken a break from writing this episode the other night,
283
00:17:45.269 --> 00:17:47.529
the taking up too much space part of the episode,
284
00:17:48.109 --> 00:17:50.690
and I was listening to an audiobook, Murder at the
285
00:17:50.730 --> 00:17:54.970
Grand Alpine Hotel, suspense writer Lucy Foley's take on an
286
00:17:55.119 --> 00:17:58.160
Agatha Christie, Miss Marple story. And one of the first
287
00:17:58.259 --> 00:18:00.380
lines I heard as soon as I clicked play went
288
00:18:00.420 --> 00:18:04.029
like this. I have spent too much of my life
289
00:18:04.109 --> 00:18:09.059
already trying not to take up too much space. Indeed.
290
00:18:10.680 --> 00:18:13.160
I spoke way back at the beginning of this podcast
291
00:18:13.619 --> 00:18:15.619
about how I always spend at least part of my
292
00:18:15.660 --> 00:18:19.910
birthday and New Year's Day in activities whose underlying energy
293
00:18:19.930 --> 00:18:22.930
is important to me for the coming year. The idea
294
00:18:23.250 --> 00:18:25.869
is to anchor that energy so that it infuses the
295
00:18:25.890 --> 00:18:30.900
year ahead. This birthday, the higher powers that be conspired
296
00:18:31.279 --> 00:18:37.049
to break my decades-long pattern of largely quiet solo time. Instead,
297
00:18:37.069 --> 00:18:40.869
those same higher powers that be challenged me in ways
298
00:18:40.910 --> 00:18:44.569
that haven't been entirely comfortable. Too open to seeing myself
299
00:18:44.710 --> 00:18:48.509
as valued and valuable. Too open to pushing myself out
300
00:18:48.549 --> 00:18:52.410
of the comfort zone of my solitary cocoon. To let
301
00:18:52.509 --> 00:18:56.710
myself be surrounded by expressions of value and recognition. by
302
00:18:56.769 --> 00:19:01.190
demonstrations that I matter, just because of who I am.
303
00:19:02.309 --> 00:19:05.319
To open to letting myself be loved and to let
304
00:19:05.390 --> 00:19:14.480
myself receive that love, unashamedly, unapologetically, and unconditionally. And to
305
00:19:14.519 --> 00:19:18.079
make sure I got the message, those same higher powers
306
00:19:18.099 --> 00:19:21.099
that be dispatched all that to me not only on
307
00:19:21.140 --> 00:19:25.329
the day of my birthday, but all through the weekend. No,
308
00:19:25.369 --> 00:19:27.890
I still spent some time on my birthday morning writing,
309
00:19:28.670 --> 00:19:32.190
because that's still an important energy and activity for me
310
00:19:32.210 --> 00:19:36.440
to anchor into my new year. But even more important
311
00:19:36.460 --> 00:19:38.660
for me to anchor into this next year is the
312
00:19:38.720 --> 00:19:43.099
energy of belonging, the energy of letting myself be seen,
313
00:19:43.549 --> 00:19:47.329
the energy of letting myself take up space, the energy
314
00:19:47.809 --> 00:19:51.529
of letting myself be loved. I'm pretty sure I've never
315
00:19:51.690 --> 00:19:55.150
anchored those energies into my year on any birthday ever before.
316
00:19:56.390 --> 00:19:59.720
And now, having done it, I know that this is
317
00:19:59.980 --> 00:20:05.299
truly going to be an amazing, outstanding, expansive year. I'm
318
00:20:05.460 --> 00:20:13.160
so ready. Thanks for joining me for Stories and Reflections today.
319
00:20:13.839 --> 00:20:16.079
I hope you found moments in my stories that touched
320
00:20:16.119 --> 00:20:19.579
something in yours. If you haven't already, be sure to
321
00:20:19.619 --> 00:20:22.859
subscribe so you don't miss future episodes. And for more
322
00:20:22.880 --> 00:20:26.029
of my stories and help telling yours, check out my
323
00:20:26.069 --> 00:20:33.369
books at markdavidgerson.com or from online booksellers worldwide. Until next time,
324
00:20:33.890 --> 00:20:37.930
don't forget that you're a storyteller too. And keep telling
325
00:20:38.509 --> 00:20:49.029
your stories. The intro and outro music for today's episode
326
00:20:49.170 --> 00:20:55.359
is Heartwarming by Kevin MacLeod from incompetech.com, licensed under Creative Commons.
