00:00:00The Wrong Way to Listen
00:01:42Four kinds of adaptive listening
00:03:46Where we go wrong with listening
00:05:19When someone asks for the wrong kind of listening
00:06:31One question to change the way you listen
درباره این اپیزود
Turns out there’s not just one way to listen – there are four, at least according to the authors of Adaptive Listening: How to Cultivate Trust and Traction at Work.
In this episode, I share when to use each level of listening, plus the question you should always ask yourself before opening your mouth.
***
I’m your host, Sarah Mikutel, a communication and mindset coach. My work is about helping people like you share your voice, strengthen your relationships, and have more fun.
As an American expat living in the U.K., I value curiosity, courage, and joy. A few things I love: wandering European streets in search of the best vegetarian meal, practicing Italian, and helping my clients design lives that feel rich and meaningful.
If you want to become a more calm, confident communicator at work and in your personal life – let’s talk.
Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot?
I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.
Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.
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00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.200
There are four ways to practice adaptive listening.
00:00:03.439 --> 00:00:05.360
Most of us only use one.
00:00:06.639 --> 00:00:10.480
Years ago, my grandmother asked me to edit a poem of hers.
00:00:10.720 --> 00:00:17.920
Well, she was many things: a restaurant owner, a politician, an animal rescuer, a dancer, a mender of clothes.
00:00:18.160 --> 00:00:24.239
She wasn't, as far as I knew, somebody who explored traditionally creative pursuits.
00:00:24.480 --> 00:00:30.079
She wanted me to submit her poem to Reader's Digest, and I wanted to help.
00:00:30.239 --> 00:00:36.159
I had degrees in journalism and creative writing, and I wrote and edited for a living.
00:00:36.320 --> 00:00:44.640
So my grandmother, to show love to people, she hosted dinner parties, to show people I love them, I edited resumes and anything word-related.
00:00:44.799 --> 00:00:56.079
So I took out my red pen and I slashed my way through the only copy of the poem that my grandmother had, effectively murdering all her darlings, as they say in the literary world.
00:00:56.320 --> 00:00:58.320
I gave her what she asked for.
00:00:58.479 --> 00:01:00.079
I was editing her poem.
00:01:00.320 --> 00:01:03.679
But today I wonder if this is what she even wanted.
00:01:03.920 --> 00:01:08.079
Maybe she wanted simple tweaks or praise or a blessing.
00:01:08.400 --> 00:01:10.799
I wish I had been more curious.
00:01:11.040 --> 00:01:14.480
What would she have said if I asked, what inspired you to write this?
00:01:14.719 --> 00:01:16.560
Have you written other things?
00:01:16.799 --> 00:01:18.400
I don't remember asking.
00:01:18.640 --> 00:01:26.239
Sometimes, even when we think we are listening, we're not listening in the way that's most useful for the person or situation.
00:01:26.480 --> 00:01:29.840
And it turns out there's not just one way to listen.
00:01:30.000 --> 00:01:30.959
There are four.
00:01:31.120 --> 00:01:41.680
At least according to Megan Stevens and Nicole Lohenbronn, and these are the authors of Adaptive Listening: How to Cultivate Trust and Traction at Work.
00:01:42.079 --> 00:01:44.640
You may have heard of active listening.
00:01:44.879 --> 00:01:49.840
This is making eye contact, not interrupting, paraphrasing what you've heard.
00:01:50.079 --> 00:01:52.480
This shows that we are paying attention.
00:01:52.640 --> 00:01:54.799
It helps other people feel heard.
00:01:55.040 --> 00:02:01.040
And Stevens and Loan Brown, they say that we also need to practice adaptive listening.
00:02:01.280 --> 00:02:07.280
And this is the kind of listening that recognizes the kind of attention the person needs.
00:02:07.519 --> 00:02:09.680
Everyone has a goal when they speak to us.
00:02:09.759 --> 00:02:17.280
And our job, according to the authors, is to listen in one of the four ways that will help people achieve their goal.
00:02:17.439 --> 00:02:28.000
And the framework they use is called SED S-A-I-D, because at work and in life, you are always listening to what is said and what is not said.
00:02:28.240 --> 00:02:35.280
And said stands for S support, A Advance, I immerse, and D discern.
00:02:35.840 --> 00:02:38.800
Support listening is when someone needs to feel heard.
00:02:38.960 --> 00:02:40.639
So you are validating them.
00:02:40.719 --> 00:02:42.479
You're not solving a problem.
00:02:42.879 --> 00:02:51.919
Like when your direct report comes to you after a project gets killed and needs you to acknowledge the loss before talking about what comes next.
00:02:52.159 --> 00:03:09.360
Advanced listening is when you're listening to move something forward, like when working on a cross-functional team and they have been rehashing the same three options for a week, and someone needs to say, Here's what I'm hearing, let's go with option two and revisit in 30 days.
00:03:09.680 --> 00:03:12.479
Immersed listening is when you are there to learn.
00:03:14.800 --> 00:03:22.800
Like when you are sitting in on your first meeting with a new client and realizing that the smartest move is to ask questions and take notes.
00:03:23.039 --> 00:03:26.240
And discern listening is when someone needs your critical eye.
00:03:26.400 --> 00:03:32.560
Like when your colleague shares a draft of a proposal and says, be honest, is this ready to send?
00:03:32.800 --> 00:03:35.919
So those are the four kinds of adaptive listening.
00:03:36.080 --> 00:03:46.560
And Stevens and Lohen Braun say that you should always practice support listening and you can layer the other types of listening on top of that as needed.
00:03:47.439 --> 00:03:53.039
Support listening is related to active listening in that it's the why behind the how.
00:03:53.199 --> 00:04:00.319
So the why is the validation, the support, and the how is the active listening, the paraphrasing, the eye contact.
00:04:00.560 --> 00:04:03.759
So support listening, active listening is key.
00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:12.240
And this reminds me of a story about a friend who believes that writing reviews is her civic duty.
00:04:12.479 --> 00:04:18.639
And she once tried to convince me to join in her crusade to take down bad restaurants.
00:04:18.879 --> 00:04:21.439
And I said, no, I'm not gonna do that.
00:04:21.680 --> 00:04:24.480
So, okay, this is obviously a family member I'm talking about.
00:04:24.639 --> 00:04:26.079
We're a little more direct with them.
00:04:26.240 --> 00:04:28.319
We have a lot more history with them.
00:04:28.480 --> 00:04:30.079
So I said, no, I'm not gonna do that.
00:04:30.160 --> 00:04:32.879
I am sick of everyone raiding and reviewing everything.
00:04:33.040 --> 00:04:34.319
Often it's unfair.
00:04:34.480 --> 00:04:38.160
People are jealous, people are getting paid to write a good or a bad review.
00:04:38.399 --> 00:04:39.839
I don't want to be part of the system.
00:04:40.079 --> 00:04:42.639
And she says, You're not validating me.
00:04:42.800 --> 00:04:45.120
And I said, No, I'm not gonna validate you.
00:04:45.279 --> 00:04:46.800
I don't like this review-based world.
00:04:46.879 --> 00:04:48.879
It is getting too black mirror.
00:04:49.040 --> 00:04:50.079
So, oops.
00:04:50.160 --> 00:04:53.839
That went from a request to a disagreement.
00:04:54.160 --> 00:05:01.279
And she wanted some support listening or credit regarding the good work that she felt she was doing.
00:05:01.519 --> 00:05:07.519
And instead of saying, tell me more, I started critiquing the whole premise of online reviews.
00:05:07.759 --> 00:05:14.959
If I had practiced support listening and active listening, maybe she would have been open to hearing my broader thoughts.
00:05:15.120 --> 00:05:20.079
But leading with my worldview when she wanted to feel heard was not helpful.
00:05:20.319 --> 00:05:27.120
A trickier version of this mismatch is when the speaker themselves is asking for the wrong kind of listening.
00:05:27.279 --> 00:05:39.600
If you're a coach or a consultant or any kind of business owner, once in a while you will experience a client who's asking for one thing when you know something else is what will really help them achieve their goals.
00:05:39.839 --> 00:05:43.519
I once worked with a client who'd taken time off due to burnout.
00:05:43.680 --> 00:05:50.639
When we first met, she talked about how overwhelmed she was now that she was back at work and she spoke with this urgent energy.
00:05:50.800 --> 00:05:55.600
She had epic to-do lists and she said she wanted help with organization and time management.
00:05:55.920 --> 00:05:59.519
And as we talked, her real issue surfaced.
00:05:59.680 --> 00:06:01.600
She didn't need a better system.
00:06:01.920 --> 00:06:07.360
She needed to overcome her compulsion to check her email and teams every few minutes.
00:06:07.519 --> 00:06:12.480
She described taking a sick day, then checking her work messages until 9 p.m.
00:06:12.720 --> 00:06:17.600
because she couldn't tolerate the anxiety of being unreachable or being out of the loop.
00:06:17.920 --> 00:06:31.920
Support listening meant slowing down with her, letting her talk it all out, asking questions that will generate her own insight, and sitting in the discomfort of the real problem with her when it reveals itself.
00:06:32.240 --> 00:06:39.360
While frameworks like said SAID can be helpful, at the heart of listening is something much simpler.
00:06:39.600 --> 00:06:45.279
The people in front of us are more than the questions they ask or the requests that they make.
00:06:45.439 --> 00:06:56.000
To give them what they need, the authors of Adaptive Listening say we need to ask a question that is very basic and familiar to any good friend or coach.
00:06:56.240 --> 00:07:01.519
And that question is, what does this person need from me in this moment?
00:07:02.000 --> 00:07:10.399
The mismatch between your default mode of listening and someone else's need is where most listening failures happen.
00:07:10.720 --> 00:07:13.759
Unfortunately, my grandmother is gone now.
00:07:14.000 --> 00:07:20.639
I don't know what she would have said if I had paused before picking up that red pen and attacking her poem.
00:07:20.800 --> 00:07:23.120
Maybe she really did just want the edit.
00:07:23.360 --> 00:07:28.160
I wish I had slowed down long enough to listen in a different way.
00:07:28.480 --> 00:07:36.399
So the next time someone comes to you with a problem, a story, a request, try pausing before you respond.
00:07:36.639 --> 00:07:42.879
Ask yourself, are they looking for support, momentum, understanding, feedback?
00:07:43.120 --> 00:07:48.639
You won't always get it right, but pausing will keep you aligned with your purpose.
00:07:48.959 --> 00:07:50.000
That's all for now.
00:07:50.160 --> 00:07:55.360
I'm your host, Sarah Michatel, a writer, podcaster, and coach over here in England.
00:07:55.519 --> 00:07:59.519
Thank you so much for listening and have a beautiful week wherever you are.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.200
There are four ways to practice adaptive listening.
00:00:03.439 --> 00:00:05.360
Most of us only use one.
00:00:06.639 --> 00:00:10.480
Years ago, my grandmother asked me to edit a poem of hers.
00:00:10.720 --> 00:00:17.920
Well, she was many things: a restaurant owner, a politician, an animal rescuer, a dancer, a mender of clothes.
00:00:18.160 --> 00:00:24.239
She wasn't, as far as I knew, somebody who explored traditionally creative pursuits.
00:00:24.480 --> 00:00:30.079
She wanted me to submit her poem to Reader's Digest, and I wanted to help.
00:00:30.239 --> 00:00:36.159
I had degrees in journalism and creative writing, and I wrote and edited for a living.
00:00:36.320 --> 00:00:44.640
So my grandmother, to show love to people, she hosted dinner parties, to show people I love them, I edited resumes and anything word-related.
00:00:44.799 --> 00:00:56.079
So I took out my red pen and I slashed my way through the only copy of the poem that my grandmother had, effectively murdering all her darlings, as they say in the literary world.
00:00:56.320 --> 00:00:58.320
I gave her what she asked for.
00:00:58.479 --> 00:01:00.079
I was editing her poem.
00:01:00.320 --> 00:01:03.679
But today I wonder if this is what she even wanted.
00:01:03.920 --> 00:01:08.079
Maybe she wanted simple tweaks or praise or a blessing.
00:01:08.400 --> 00:01:10.799
I wish I had been more curious.
00:01:11.040 --> 00:01:14.480
What would she have said if I asked, what inspired you to write this?
00:01:14.719 --> 00:01:16.560
Have you written other things?
00:01:16.799 --> 00:01:18.400
I don't remember asking.
00:01:18.640 --> 00:01:26.239
Sometimes, even when we think we are listening, we're not listening in the way that's most useful for the person or situation.
00:01:26.480 --> 00:01:29.840
And it turns out there's not just one way to listen.
00:01:30.000 --> 00:01:30.959
There are four.
00:01:31.120 --> 00:01:41.680
At least according to Megan Stevens and Nicole Lohenbronn, and these are the authors of Adaptive Listening: How to Cultivate Trust and Traction at Work.
00:01:42.079 --> 00:01:44.640
You may have heard of active listening.
00:01:44.879 --> 00:01:49.840
This is making eye contact, not interrupting, paraphrasing what you've heard.
00:01:50.079 --> 00:01:52.480
This shows that we are paying attention.
00:01:52.640 --> 00:01:54.799
It helps other people feel heard.
00:01:55.040 --> 00:02:01.040
And Stevens and Loan Brown, they say that we also need to practice adaptive listening.
00:02:01.280 --> 00:02:07.280
And this is the kind of listening that recognizes the kind of attention the person needs.
00:02:07.519 --> 00:02:09.680
Everyone has a goal when they speak to us.
00:02:09.759 --> 00:02:17.280
And our job, according to the authors, is to listen in one of the four ways that will help people achieve their goal.
00:02:17.439 --> 00:02:28.000
And the framework they use is called SED S-A-I-D, because at work and in life, you are always listening to what is said and what is not said.
00:02:28.240 --> 00:02:35.280
And said stands for S support, A Advance, I immerse, and D discern.
00:02:35.840 --> 00:02:38.800
Support listening is when someone needs to feel heard.
00:02:38.960 --> 00:02:40.639
So you are validating them.
00:02:40.719 --> 00:02:42.479
You're not solving a problem.
00:02:42.879 --> 00:02:51.919
Like when your direct report comes to you after a project gets killed and needs you to acknowledge the loss before talking about what comes next.
00:02:52.159 --> 00:03:09.360
Advanced listening is when you're listening to move something forward, like when working on a cross-functional team and they have been rehashing the same three options for a week, and someone needs to say, Here's what I'm hearing, let's go with option two and revisit in 30 days.
00:03:09.680 --> 00:03:12.479
Immersed listening is when you are there to learn.
00:03:14.800 --> 00:03:22.800
Like when you are sitting in on your first meeting with a new client and realizing that the smartest move is to ask questions and take notes.
00:03:23.039 --> 00:03:26.240
And discern listening is when someone needs your critical eye.
00:03:26.400 --> 00:03:32.560
Like when your colleague shares a draft of a proposal and says, be honest, is this ready to send?
00:03:32.800 --> 00:03:35.919
So those are the four kinds of adaptive listening.
00:03:36.080 --> 00:03:46.560
And Stevens and Lohen Braun say that you should always practice support listening and you can layer the other types of listening on top of that as needed.
00:03:47.439 --> 00:03:53.039
Support listening is related to active listening in that it's the why behind the how.
00:03:53.199 --> 00:04:00.319
So the why is the validation, the support, and the how is the active listening, the paraphrasing, the eye contact.
00:04:00.560 --> 00:04:03.759
So support listening, active listening is key.
00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:12.240
And this reminds me of a story about a friend who believes that writing reviews is her civic duty.
00:04:12.479 --> 00:04:18.639
And she once tried to convince me to join in her crusade to take down bad restaurants.
00:04:18.879 --> 00:04:21.439
And I said, no, I'm not gonna do that.
00:04:21.680 --> 00:04:24.480
So, okay, this is obviously a family member I'm talking about.
00:04:24.639 --> 00:04:26.079
We're a little more direct with them.
00:04:26.240 --> 00:04:28.319
We have a lot more history with them.
00:04:28.480 --> 00:04:30.079
So I said, no, I'm not gonna do that.
00:04:30.160 --> 00:04:32.879
I am sick of everyone raiding and reviewing everything.
00:04:33.040 --> 00:04:34.319
Often it's unfair.
00:04:34.480 --> 00:04:38.160
People are jealous, people are getting paid to write a good or a bad review.
00:04:38.399 --> 00:04:39.839
I don't want to be part of the system.
00:04:40.079 --> 00:04:42.639
And she says, You're not validating me.
00:04:42.800 --> 00:04:45.120
And I said, No, I'm not gonna validate you.
00:04:45.279 --> 00:04:46.800
I don't like this review-based world.
00:04:46.879 --> 00:04:48.879
It is getting too black mirror.
00:04:49.040 --> 00:04:50.079
So, oops.
00:04:50.160 --> 00:04:53.839
That went from a request to a disagreement.
00:04:54.160 --> 00:05:01.279
And she wanted some support listening or credit regarding the good work that she felt she was doing.
00:05:01.519 --> 00:05:07.519
And instead of saying, tell me more, I started critiquing the whole premise of online reviews.
00:05:07.759 --> 00:05:14.959
If I had practiced support listening and active listening, maybe she would have been open to hearing my broader thoughts.
00:05:15.120 --> 00:05:20.079
But leading with my worldview when she wanted to feel heard was not helpful.
00:05:20.319 --> 00:05:27.120
A trickier version of this mismatch is when the speaker themselves is asking for the wrong kind of listening.
00:05:27.279 --> 00:05:39.600
If you're a coach or a consultant or any kind of business owner, once in a while you will experience a client who's asking for one thing when you know something else is what will really help them achieve their goals.
00:05:39.839 --> 00:05:43.519
I once worked with a client who'd taken time off due to burnout.
00:05:43.680 --> 00:05:50.639
When we first met, she talked about how overwhelmed she was now that she was back at work and she spoke with this urgent energy.
00:05:50.800 --> 00:05:55.600
She had epic to-do lists and she said she wanted help with organization and time management.
00:05:55.920 --> 00:05:59.519
And as we talked, her real issue surfaced.
00:05:59.680 --> 00:06:01.600
She didn't need a better system.
00:06:01.920 --> 00:06:07.360
She needed to overcome her compulsion to check her email and teams every few minutes.
00:06:07.519 --> 00:06:12.480
She described taking a sick day, then checking her work messages until 9 p.m.
00:06:12.720 --> 00:06:17.600
because she couldn't tolerate the anxiety of being unreachable or being out of the loop.
00:06:17.920 --> 00:06:31.920
Support listening meant slowing down with her, letting her talk it all out, asking questions that will generate her own insight, and sitting in the discomfort of the real problem with her when it reveals itself.
00:06:32.240 --> 00:06:39.360
While frameworks like said SAID can be helpful, at the heart of listening is something much simpler.
00:06:39.600 --> 00:06:45.279
The people in front of us are more than the questions they ask or the requests that they make.
00:06:45.439 --> 00:06:56.000
To give them what they need, the authors of Adaptive Listening say we need to ask a question that is very basic and familiar to any good friend or coach.
00:06:56.240 --> 00:07:01.519
And that question is, what does this person need from me in this moment?
00:07:02.000 --> 00:07:10.399
The mismatch between your default mode of listening and someone else's need is where most listening failures happen.
00:07:10.720 --> 00:07:13.759
Unfortunately, my grandmother is gone now.
00:07:14.000 --> 00:07:20.639
I don't know what she would have said if I had paused before picking up that red pen and attacking her poem.
00:07:20.800 --> 00:07:23.120
Maybe she really did just want the edit.
00:07:23.360 --> 00:07:28.160
I wish I had slowed down long enough to listen in a different way.
00:07:28.480 --> 00:07:36.399
So the next time someone comes to you with a problem, a story, a request, try pausing before you respond.
00:07:36.639 --> 00:07:42.879
Ask yourself, are they looking for support, momentum, understanding, feedback?
00:07:43.120 --> 00:07:48.639
You won't always get it right, but pausing will keep you aligned with your purpose.
00:07:48.959 --> 00:07:50.000
That's all for now.
00:07:50.160 --> 00:07:55.360
I'm your host, Sarah Michatel, a writer, podcaster, and coach over here in England.
00:07:55.519 --> 00:07:59.519
Thank you so much for listening and have a beautiful week wherever you are.
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اپیزودهای قبلی Stoic Wellbeing را جستجو کن.
سلب مسئولیت: پادکست و آثار هنری تعبیه شده در این صفحه متعلق به Communication & Mindset Coach Sarah Mikutel است که متعلق به صاحب آن است و به Listen Notes، Inc وابسته یا تایید نشده است.
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