WEBVTT
00:00:00.239 --> 00:00:04.959
Have you ever noticed the moment when your wife says something along the lines of are you okay?
00:00:05.120 --> 00:00:06.639
Or why are you angry?
00:00:06.799 --> 00:00:08.720
Or I can just see you're annoyed.
00:00:08.880 --> 00:00:12.400
Oh, and then you weren't, but now that they said it, you are.
00:00:12.880 --> 00:00:16.320
This feeling of misunderstood by your fucking wife.
00:00:16.480 --> 00:00:18.960
Well, welcome to Shut the Fuck Up and Listen.
00:00:19.039 --> 00:00:20.559
We're gonna talk all about that today.
00:00:20.719 --> 00:00:22.160
My name's Alessandra Frasali.
00:00:22.320 --> 00:00:27.679
I help you go from boy patterns to healthy men behavior to being a better husband.
00:00:27.920 --> 00:00:37.200
Today we are on number four of a little series I'm doing of reading my best ever better husband in two-minute emails.
00:00:37.359 --> 00:00:39.759
Now, what the fuck are the better husband in two-minute emails?
00:00:39.920 --> 00:00:45.359
Well, my better husband in two minute emails are a series that I've been running for more than a year.
00:00:45.439 --> 00:00:54.000
I've written over 75 emails, and I currently have 22,000 men that are on my list that read my emails every single week.
00:00:54.159 --> 00:01:02.079
And I'm gonna read to you the ones that have like the most replies, the ones that men go, oh my God, that, you know, hit me in my soul, right?
00:01:02.399 --> 00:01:06.159
So this one here is called Have the Actual Conversation.
00:01:06.319 --> 00:01:07.599
Now, why am I doing this whole thing?
00:01:07.760 --> 00:01:16.719
Well, you know, my wife might give birth tonight, might give birth in a couple of weeks, but I am probably gonna be uh I wanna be a good father and I wanna take my fucking time off.
00:01:16.879 --> 00:01:27.359
But I also don't want you to miss out on weekly podcasts, so that's why I'm gonna batch record this, and it's a great way for me to do that using some of the great assets I already have.
00:01:27.680 --> 00:01:30.079
So let's dive into it.
00:01:30.400 --> 00:01:31.680
Hey first name.
00:01:31.760 --> 00:01:42.159
The biggest test to my ability at being a better husband I have faced came on a random Thursday evening, and the best thing is my pregnant wife had no idea.
00:01:42.480 --> 00:01:43.840
Okay, what am I on about?
00:01:44.000 --> 00:01:44.959
Let's backtrack.
00:01:45.120 --> 00:01:47.280
Welcome to Better Husband Email.
00:01:47.519 --> 00:01:49.760
Have the actual conversation.
00:01:50.000 --> 00:01:55.040
There is one thing I have found incredibly difficult my whole life: being misunderstood.
00:01:55.200 --> 00:02:01.200
Or having someone put words or feelings onto me, which essentially makes me misunderstood.
00:02:01.439 --> 00:02:04.560
When I was a kid, I used to be the happy one.
00:02:04.799 --> 00:02:09.439
My mother was quite up and down, my brother was usually down, but Alessandra, he was the cheerful one.
00:02:09.680 --> 00:02:11.680
But what about days when he wasn't?
00:02:11.840 --> 00:02:12.080
Right?
00:02:12.240 --> 00:02:19.280
Well, in my view, important there, my view, my brother and my mother couldn't handle that, and they would do something I hated.
00:02:19.360 --> 00:02:22.719
They used to say, you're upset, or what's wrong?
00:02:22.960 --> 00:02:24.560
In a kind of biting way.
00:02:24.719 --> 00:02:32.159
And at the time nothing was wrong, I just wanted space, or maybe some bloody understanding like I always gave them, but no.
00:02:32.879 --> 00:02:34.479
What's wrong, Alessandra?
00:02:34.639 --> 00:02:36.000
Why are you upset?
00:02:36.240 --> 00:02:39.199
Now if you've ever been questioned in this way, something happens.
00:02:39.439 --> 00:02:47.599
In your mind you weren't upset, but the moment you got labelled as it, all of a sudden you become increasingly upset until now you actually are.
00:02:47.919 --> 00:02:50.479
Well this trend followed me into my marriage too.
00:02:50.639 --> 00:02:55.120
I was normally good until Julia would say, I can see you're upset in your eyes.
00:02:55.360 --> 00:02:58.800
Like how the fuck do you respond to that, I would think.
00:02:59.039 --> 00:03:02.639
I am now bloody labelled by you, and now I am stuck.
00:03:02.800 --> 00:03:05.680
Now let's bring it full circle to how I started this email.
00:03:05.840 --> 00:03:12.560
The biggest test to my ability at being a better husband came on a random Thursday evening, and my pregnant wife had absolutely no idea.
00:03:12.719 --> 00:03:21.680
You see, my wife this evening, I'm pre-writing this on a Thursday evening, haha, said to me, I feel like you don't like it when we have these kinds of conversations.
00:03:21.919 --> 00:03:24.800
She also had an energy about her which felt familiar.
00:03:25.120 --> 00:03:30.960
You know, like everything is on track and all of a sudden the train might derail into a fight about something completely different.
00:03:31.199 --> 00:03:36.159
Old Alessandra would have had his miscategorization, wound firing.
00:03:36.400 --> 00:03:39.360
Don't tell me what I don't like, he might have protested.
00:03:39.599 --> 00:03:43.520
But something has changed in me since starting this process of becoming a better husband.
00:03:43.759 --> 00:03:49.280
Number one, I realize that mastery over my own emotions is actually my responsibility.
00:03:49.520 --> 00:03:55.360
Number two, if somebody misunderstands me, I no longer see it as my job to convince them otherwise.
00:03:55.599 --> 00:03:56.960
I know myself.
00:03:57.199 --> 00:03:59.199
If they are right, I own it.
00:03:59.360 --> 00:04:01.680
If they're wrong, I move on.
00:04:01.919 --> 00:04:12.879
Plus when she says she feels something, that is her experience, and not something I have any right to even get upset over, as it is true to her.
00:04:13.120 --> 00:04:15.199
So what was the biggest challenge for me?
00:04:15.360 --> 00:04:17.920
Well this evening I felt annoyance of being misunderstood.
00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:24.879
I felt the pang of being miscategorized when that happened, but I breathed and I just continued the conversation to its point.
00:04:25.199 --> 00:04:28.560
I brought the train back onto the tracks.
00:04:28.800 --> 00:04:37.439
You see, if we get stuck nitpicking how the other person talks rather than simply moving on, it shows we truly were not fully calm.
00:04:37.600 --> 00:04:41.360
The only way to be calm is to actually be calm.
00:04:41.600 --> 00:04:44.879
If somebody tells me I'm upset, I know myself better now.
00:04:45.040 --> 00:04:49.920
This is especially beneficial if you're the one constantly being told you are to this or to that.
00:04:50.160 --> 00:04:51.279
Listen for the truth.
00:04:51.519 --> 00:04:54.160
If they're right, own it and move on.
00:04:54.319 --> 00:04:56.240
If they're wrong, move on.
00:04:56.480 --> 00:04:58.959
The biggest challenge, move on.
00:04:59.279 --> 00:05:03.199
Have the conversation, not the conversation about how you're having the conversation.
00:05:03.279 --> 00:05:10.240
Because the moment you start arguing about tone, wording, labels, and who said what, you've left the original problem behind.
00:05:10.399 --> 00:05:14.879
And that's usually the moment two adults become two children trying to win.
00:05:15.040 --> 00:05:22.160
Sometimes your wife will accidentally make the conversation about the way you have the conversation, rather than the fucking conversation.
00:05:22.399 --> 00:05:26.079
But pointing that out is not the win that you think it is.
00:05:26.240 --> 00:05:27.360
Does that make sense?
00:05:27.600 --> 00:05:29.040
Sending love to you all.
00:05:29.279 --> 00:05:29.680
P.S.
00:05:30.000 --> 00:05:31.759
This lesson took me way too long to learn.
00:05:31.920 --> 00:05:32.720
PPS.
00:05:32.879 --> 00:05:35.839
I'm receiving so many heartwarming email replies, thank you.
00:05:35.920 --> 00:05:40.959
I know I don't respond to them all, but I read them and I'm very thankful that this shit is helping.
00:05:41.120 --> 00:05:43.279
The way we have conversations is very important.
00:05:43.519 --> 00:05:46.240
However, how the fuck ever?
00:05:46.480 --> 00:05:52.879
If we're getting caught in loops of you're doing this and your tone is this and blah, blah, blah, we're missing actual points.
00:05:53.120 --> 00:05:54.399
We're missing actual points.
00:05:54.480 --> 00:06:01.600
And yes, you know, we want a wife that that that speaks to us kindly, and yes, we want a husband that speaks to a wife kindly.
00:06:01.759 --> 00:06:02.079
Okay?
00:06:02.399 --> 00:06:05.600
That's that's stuff that we want and we want to build towards.
00:06:05.759 --> 00:06:10.959
But we also need to grow the skill of going, is there something true behind what's being said?
00:06:11.120 --> 00:06:26.879
And a really good skill is if a if somebody does ask you, right, or does say to you, if your wife, let's say, says to you, you know, I don't like the way you're speaking with that, you can look for the moments and you can go, yeah, but this happens with you, and you can start comparing.
00:06:26.959 --> 00:06:27.600
You can do that.
00:06:27.920 --> 00:06:28.800
But it's not efficient.
00:06:29.439 --> 00:06:33.360
The only efficient thing to do is to look at yourself and to go, is there truth in this?
00:06:33.920 --> 00:06:37.759
And if there's truth in it, notice it, own it, and move on.
00:06:37.920 --> 00:06:43.519
And by moving on, I don't mean just like throw it into the backpack of your shadow in the back and never look at it again.
00:06:43.680 --> 00:06:45.519
Ask yourself, why does it piss me off?
00:06:45.600 --> 00:06:48.319
Because if there's truth to it, there is something that is pissing you off.
00:06:48.480 --> 00:06:50.480
And it might not be the miscategorization.
00:06:50.639 --> 00:06:54.879
The miscategorization might just be you trying to deflect the fact that, you know what?
00:06:55.040 --> 00:06:57.680
I actually get annoyed that I don't speak my truth.
00:06:57.920 --> 00:06:58.560
You know what?
00:06:58.720 --> 00:07:02.560
I actually get annoyed that I feel that it's not fair.
00:07:02.800 --> 00:07:05.120
I actually get annoyed, blah, blah, blah.
00:07:05.279 --> 00:07:11.519
Look for the actual truth and then have the actual conversation, not the conversation about how you're having the conversation.
00:07:11.680 --> 00:07:14.800
And then you make up excuses which aren't actually the conversation.
00:07:14.959 --> 00:07:16.319
Have the actual conversation.
00:07:16.480 --> 00:07:16.800
All right.
00:07:16.959 --> 00:07:18.319
Hope you enjoyed this one.
00:07:18.639 --> 00:07:21.680
This is from my better husband in two minute emails.
00:07:21.839 --> 00:07:27.279
If you want to join my better husband in two minute emails, I make sure that my podcast guy puts the link just below.
00:07:27.360 --> 00:07:28.560
All right, I'll see you for the next one.
00:07:28.639 --> 00:07:29.279
That's the episode.
00:07:29.360 --> 00:07:30.480
That's all I got for you today.
00:07:30.800 --> 00:07:32.879
Just want you to remember you're not alone in this.
00:07:33.040 --> 00:07:41.040
Make sure you subscribe to stay connected, of course, and comment your win, you know, because every time a man sees other men winning, they don't feel alone anymore.
00:07:41.120 --> 00:07:41.920
And I love that.
00:07:42.160 --> 00:07:45.439
Tools are in the show notes, starting with the better husband in two minute emails.
00:07:45.519 --> 00:07:46.399
Let's build this together.
00:07:46.480 --> 00:07:47.519
I'll see you next week.
00:00:00.239 --> 00:00:04.959
Have you ever noticed the moment when your wife says something along the lines of are you okay?
00:00:05.120 --> 00:00:06.639
Or why are you angry?
00:00:06.799 --> 00:00:08.720
Or I can just see you're annoyed.
00:00:08.880 --> 00:00:12.400
Oh, and then you weren't, but now that they said it, you are.
00:00:12.880 --> 00:00:16.320
This feeling of misunderstood by your fucking wife.
00:00:16.480 --> 00:00:18.960
Well, welcome to Shut the Fuck Up and Listen.
00:00:19.039 --> 00:00:20.559
We're gonna talk all about that today.
00:00:20.719 --> 00:00:22.160
My name's Alessandra Frasali.
00:00:22.320 --> 00:00:27.679
I help you go from boy patterns to healthy men behavior to being a better husband.
00:00:27.920 --> 00:00:37.200
Today we are on number four of a little series I'm doing of reading my best ever better husband in two-minute emails.
00:00:37.359 --> 00:00:39.759
Now, what the fuck are the better husband in two-minute emails?
00:00:39.920 --> 00:00:45.359
Well, my better husband in two minute emails are a series that I've been running for more than a year.
00:00:45.439 --> 00:00:54.000
I've written over 75 emails, and I currently have 22,000 men that are on my list that read my emails every single week.
00:00:54.159 --> 00:01:02.079
And I'm gonna read to you the ones that have like the most replies, the ones that men go, oh my God, that, you know, hit me in my soul, right?
00:01:02.399 --> 00:01:06.159
So this one here is called Have the Actual Conversation.
00:01:06.319 --> 00:01:07.599
Now, why am I doing this whole thing?
00:01:07.760 --> 00:01:16.719
Well, you know, my wife might give birth tonight, might give birth in a couple of weeks, but I am probably gonna be uh I wanna be a good father and I wanna take my fucking time off.
00:01:16.879 --> 00:01:27.359
But I also don't want you to miss out on weekly podcasts, so that's why I'm gonna batch record this, and it's a great way for me to do that using some of the great assets I already have.
00:01:27.680 --> 00:01:30.079
So let's dive into it.
00:01:30.400 --> 00:01:31.680
Hey first name.
00:01:31.760 --> 00:01:42.159
The biggest test to my ability at being a better husband I have faced came on a random Thursday evening, and the best thing is my pregnant wife had no idea.
00:01:42.480 --> 00:01:43.840
Okay, what am I on about?
00:01:44.000 --> 00:01:44.959
Let's backtrack.
00:01:45.120 --> 00:01:47.280
Welcome to Better Husband Email.
00:01:47.519 --> 00:01:49.760
Have the actual conversation.
00:01:50.000 --> 00:01:55.040
There is one thing I have found incredibly difficult my whole life: being misunderstood.
00:01:55.200 --> 00:02:01.200
Or having someone put words or feelings onto me, which essentially makes me misunderstood.
00:02:01.439 --> 00:02:04.560
When I was a kid, I used to be the happy one.
00:02:04.799 --> 00:02:09.439
My mother was quite up and down, my brother was usually down, but Alessandra, he was the cheerful one.
00:02:09.680 --> 00:02:11.680
But what about days when he wasn't?
00:02:11.840 --> 00:02:12.080
Right?
00:02:12.240 --> 00:02:19.280
Well, in my view, important there, my view, my brother and my mother couldn't handle that, and they would do something I hated.
00:02:19.360 --> 00:02:22.719
They used to say, you're upset, or what's wrong?
00:02:22.960 --> 00:02:24.560
In a kind of biting way.
00:02:24.719 --> 00:02:32.159
And at the time nothing was wrong, I just wanted space, or maybe some bloody understanding like I always gave them, but no.
00:02:32.879 --> 00:02:34.479
What's wrong, Alessandra?
00:02:34.639 --> 00:02:36.000
Why are you upset?
00:02:36.240 --> 00:02:39.199
Now if you've ever been questioned in this way, something happens.
00:02:39.439 --> 00:02:47.599
In your mind you weren't upset, but the moment you got labelled as it, all of a sudden you become increasingly upset until now you actually are.
00:02:47.919 --> 00:02:50.479
Well this trend followed me into my marriage too.
00:02:50.639 --> 00:02:55.120
I was normally good until Julia would say, I can see you're upset in your eyes.
00:02:55.360 --> 00:02:58.800
Like how the fuck do you respond to that, I would think.
00:02:59.039 --> 00:03:02.639
I am now bloody labelled by you, and now I am stuck.
00:03:02.800 --> 00:03:05.680
Now let's bring it full circle to how I started this email.
00:03:05.840 --> 00:03:12.560
The biggest test to my ability at being a better husband came on a random Thursday evening, and my pregnant wife had absolutely no idea.
00:03:12.719 --> 00:03:21.680
You see, my wife this evening, I'm pre-writing this on a Thursday evening, haha, said to me, I feel like you don't like it when we have these kinds of conversations.
00:03:21.919 --> 00:03:24.800
She also had an energy about her which felt familiar.
00:03:25.120 --> 00:03:30.960
You know, like everything is on track and all of a sudden the train might derail into a fight about something completely different.
00:03:31.199 --> 00:03:36.159
Old Alessandra would have had his miscategorization, wound firing.
00:03:36.400 --> 00:03:39.360
Don't tell me what I don't like, he might have protested.
00:03:39.599 --> 00:03:43.520
But something has changed in me since starting this process of becoming a better husband.
00:03:43.759 --> 00:03:49.280
Number one, I realize that mastery over my own emotions is actually my responsibility.
00:03:49.520 --> 00:03:55.360
Number two, if somebody misunderstands me, I no longer see it as my job to convince them otherwise.
00:03:55.599 --> 00:03:56.960
I know myself.
00:03:57.199 --> 00:03:59.199
If they are right, I own it.
00:03:59.360 --> 00:04:01.680
If they're wrong, I move on.
00:04:01.919 --> 00:04:12.879
Plus when she says she feels something, that is her experience, and not something I have any right to even get upset over, as it is true to her.
00:04:13.120 --> 00:04:15.199
So what was the biggest challenge for me?
00:04:15.360 --> 00:04:17.920
Well this evening I felt annoyance of being misunderstood.
00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:24.879
I felt the pang of being miscategorized when that happened, but I breathed and I just continued the conversation to its point.
00:04:25.199 --> 00:04:28.560
I brought the train back onto the tracks.
00:04:28.800 --> 00:04:37.439
You see, if we get stuck nitpicking how the other person talks rather than simply moving on, it shows we truly were not fully calm.
00:04:37.600 --> 00:04:41.360
The only way to be calm is to actually be calm.
00:04:41.600 --> 00:04:44.879
If somebody tells me I'm upset, I know myself better now.
00:04:45.040 --> 00:04:49.920
This is especially beneficial if you're the one constantly being told you are to this or to that.
00:04:50.160 --> 00:04:51.279
Listen for the truth.
00:04:51.519 --> 00:04:54.160
If they're right, own it and move on.
00:04:54.319 --> 00:04:56.240
If they're wrong, move on.
00:04:56.480 --> 00:04:58.959
The biggest challenge, move on.
00:04:59.279 --> 00:05:03.199
Have the conversation, not the conversation about how you're having the conversation.
00:05:03.279 --> 00:05:10.240
Because the moment you start arguing about tone, wording, labels, and who said what, you've left the original problem behind.
00:05:10.399 --> 00:05:14.879
And that's usually the moment two adults become two children trying to win.
00:05:15.040 --> 00:05:22.160
Sometimes your wife will accidentally make the conversation about the way you have the conversation, rather than the fucking conversation.
00:05:22.399 --> 00:05:26.079
But pointing that out is not the win that you think it is.
00:05:26.240 --> 00:05:27.360
Does that make sense?
00:05:27.600 --> 00:05:29.040
Sending love to you all.
00:05:29.279 --> 00:05:29.680
P.S.
00:05:30.000 --> 00:05:31.759
This lesson took me way too long to learn.
00:05:31.920 --> 00:05:32.720
PPS.
00:05:32.879 --> 00:05:35.839
I'm receiving so many heartwarming email replies, thank you.
00:05:35.920 --> 00:05:40.959
I know I don't respond to them all, but I read them and I'm very thankful that this shit is helping.
00:05:41.120 --> 00:05:43.279
The way we have conversations is very important.
00:05:43.519 --> 00:05:46.240
However, how the fuck ever?
00:05:46.480 --> 00:05:52.879
If we're getting caught in loops of you're doing this and your tone is this and blah, blah, blah, we're missing actual points.
00:05:53.120 --> 00:05:54.399
We're missing actual points.
00:05:54.480 --> 00:06:01.600
And yes, you know, we want a wife that that that speaks to us kindly, and yes, we want a husband that speaks to a wife kindly.
00:06:01.759 --> 00:06:02.079
Okay?
00:06:02.399 --> 00:06:05.600
That's that's stuff that we want and we want to build towards.
00:06:05.759 --> 00:06:10.959
But we also need to grow the skill of going, is there something true behind what's being said?
00:06:11.120 --> 00:06:26.879
And a really good skill is if a if somebody does ask you, right, or does say to you, if your wife, let's say, says to you, you know, I don't like the way you're speaking with that, you can look for the moments and you can go, yeah, but this happens with you, and you can start comparing.
00:06:26.959 --> 00:06:27.600
You can do that.
00:06:27.920 --> 00:06:28.800
But it's not efficient.
00:06:29.439 --> 00:06:33.360
The only efficient thing to do is to look at yourself and to go, is there truth in this?
00:06:33.920 --> 00:06:37.759
And if there's truth in it, notice it, own it, and move on.
00:06:37.920 --> 00:06:43.519
And by moving on, I don't mean just like throw it into the backpack of your shadow in the back and never look at it again.
00:06:43.680 --> 00:06:45.519
Ask yourself, why does it piss me off?
00:06:45.600 --> 00:06:48.319
Because if there's truth to it, there is something that is pissing you off.
00:06:48.480 --> 00:06:50.480
And it might not be the miscategorization.
00:06:50.639 --> 00:06:54.879
The miscategorization might just be you trying to deflect the fact that, you know what?
00:06:55.040 --> 00:06:57.680
I actually get annoyed that I don't speak my truth.
00:06:57.920 --> 00:06:58.560
You know what?
00:06:58.720 --> 00:07:02.560
I actually get annoyed that I feel that it's not fair.
00:07:02.800 --> 00:07:05.120
I actually get annoyed, blah, blah, blah.
00:07:05.279 --> 00:07:11.519
Look for the actual truth and then have the actual conversation, not the conversation about how you're having the conversation.
00:07:11.680 --> 00:07:14.800
And then you make up excuses which aren't actually the conversation.
00:07:14.959 --> 00:07:16.319
Have the actual conversation.
00:07:16.480 --> 00:07:16.800
All right.
00:07:16.959 --> 00:07:18.319
Hope you enjoyed this one.
00:07:18.639 --> 00:07:21.680
This is from my better husband in two minute emails.
00:07:21.839 --> 00:07:27.279
If you want to join my better husband in two minute emails, I make sure that my podcast guy puts the link just below.
00:07:27.360 --> 00:07:28.560
All right, I'll see you for the next one.
00:07:28.639 --> 00:07:29.279
That's the episode.
00:07:29.360 --> 00:07:30.480
That's all I got for you today.
00:07:30.800 --> 00:07:32.879
Just want you to remember you're not alone in this.
00:07:33.040 --> 00:07:41.040
Make sure you subscribe to stay connected, of course, and comment your win, you know, because every time a man sees other men winning, they don't feel alone anymore.
00:07:41.120 --> 00:07:41.920
And I love that.
00:07:42.160 --> 00:07:45.439
Tools are in the show notes, starting with the better husband in two minute emails.
00:07:45.519 --> 00:07:46.399
Let's build this together.
00:07:46.480 --> 00:07:47.519
I'll see you next week.
