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Finding our power deep inside in our own inner relationship.
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The core of our power is our sense of worthiness.
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That's it.
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It requires courage because showing up in our power means we're gonna be seen.
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It means we're gonna take up space.
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It means we're actually gonna be here.
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It means we're actually gonna exist.
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It means we're choosing to live life.
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This is huge.
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This is a yes to our own relationship with ourselves.
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This is the core of what's really happening.
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We gotta get with that.
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Welcome to the Ground of Love.
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I'm your host, Olivia Frazao.
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This is a podcast for people who are deeply dedicated to the spiritual journey.
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You are here for self-growth care, for others, and being of service to the world.
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This podcast is in service to you to help you remember who you are and why you are here, you will receive inspiration, clarity, and no BS Love.
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We are walking each other home.
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Let's begin.
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This is part two in a two-part series of boundaries, showing up in our power and communicating our boundaries in a healthy way.
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In the last episode, episode 64, we laid out a basic map where we are in our center, or we fall to the left into a power under position where we're victimized in what I'm calling the distorted feminine side of, let's say, a power dynamic.
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Or we're falling to the right side into what you could call the perpetrator side, the power over side, or the distorted masculine side.
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Basically what we're wanting is center.
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We're wanting to be in our power, in our sense of worthiness, in our understanding of what we want and need and the fact that we deserve those things, and being able to communicate it in a healthy, easy way to other people.
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And I just gave you that really quick summary in case you didn't listen to the past episode.
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It's okay to start here, but if you want to, you can go listen to that one first.
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Either way is okay.
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In this episode, what we're going to do is start from the premise that you got stuck in what I'm calling the distorted feminine side.
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So we're starting from the premise of coming from a place where you feel disempowered to show up in your power and in your boundaries to really state what you need, your yes's and your no's.
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And we're gonna look at what does it take actually to get to a place of empowerment, to get to a place of being in your center, to get to a place of being able to communicate your yeses and your nos rather than hiding, or rather than getting stuck in some traps along the way.
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So we are going to look at what those traps are, why they're there, and what we need to do instead.
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So now we're gonna pick up where we left off.
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Here we go So now we're gonna look at if we find ourselves trapped in the distorted feminine side in some way, how can we get out of it in a clean way and not fall into the traps, because there, there are a few traps there, that stop us from getting back into our true power?
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That's the current discussion now.
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How do we feel?
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Let's review.
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How do we feel when we're in the distorted feminine side?
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There's the self-view I'm not worthy, let's leave it at that.
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And then there's how we show up in our communication as a result of that self-view I am not worthy of being in my power, of revealing myself, of deserving, of taking up space.
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How do we communicate as a result?
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Well, basically, we don't.
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We communicate less We hide what we truly need, and we over prioritize what other people truly need.
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Okay?
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That is what we're gonna call the starting out point, okay?
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That's the current status quo.
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Now, where we wanna get to, I already described this, but where we wanna get to, that center is a place of a positive self-concept and self-relationship, right?
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A sense of our own inherent value, a sense of the inherent value of what we want and need, of our yes and our no, and the fact that it's natural, and there's no assessment, there's no judgment around it.
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It just is.
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And the capacity to very simply, because there's no value judgment there of good or bad, it's just natural.
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It's just okay.
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It's totally accepted.
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It is what it is.
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It's just a fact.
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We can very easily name our yes and our no, what we want, make a request, make an invitation, ask for something, or be like,"Hey, I'm not okay with this," and state a no in some way.
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"This is a boundary for me.
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This is a, this is a limit for me," et cetera That's what we want.
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To get from where we're at to what we want, we have the traps Let's look at those When I am in the distorted feminine side and I'm trying to get out of it, in our little map here, I'm going towards the right.
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Yeah?
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So as I'm going towards the right, I can actually pendulum swing my way all the way to the distorted masculine side.
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I can go all the way to the right side of the map.
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Rather than from left to center, I go from left past the center, I don't even stop there, and I end up on the right.
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Okay?
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And strangely enough, despite the fact that this is, let's say, an unhealthy move, it actually is a move towards health.
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Sometimes we need to move through that pendulum swing in order to come into our power.
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We just need to realize that we're not there yet.
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That's all.
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It's an intermediary step.
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It's a trap if we get stuck there forever.
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It's a trap if we're not aware of it, and if we think it's ultimate reality.
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If we realize that that's just a part of us that's trying to find our power, that's okay.
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We can take responsibility for it.
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We don't have to throw it all over other people.
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We don't need to be stuck in an identity that doesn't actually serve us.
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But it actually is a sign that we're coming out of, let's say, a, a more stagnated place of disappearing ourselves Because the one who is in that, let's say, first phase of just totally, let's say submissive, quieter, overly yielding, absent to ourselves, not knowing how to speak up, that place If there is no understanding that that's messed up and that you deserve better, you're just gonna accept it and be there forever If you are starting to pendulum swing towards, s- I'm, I'm gonna say this in a way that might be triggering, but towards sometimes, let's say, acting out, that's actually a good sign because there's a part of you that's starting to rebel against what's been happening.
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There's a part of you that realizes,"Oh my God, this is messed up." The way to deal with the,"Oh my God, this is messed up," still has not arrived in a healthy way, but movement is occurring.
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Self-valuing is starting to happen.
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That is a good thing.
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We simply don't have th- the, let's say, arrival place necessary to be able to come from a place of true empowerment, but we're getting there.
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So let's look at this When we are stuck in a victim place and we realize that that is an injustice, but we are still in the victim place, we will experience resentment Resentment is realizing that you are not in your power, but still feeling powerless to get out of it and blaming the other person for the fact that that's where you're at.
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You are still not centered in your own central channel, in your own roots, in your own body, and in your own sense of inner value and inner worthiness, in your own self-relationship.
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That has not yet happened.
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It's starting to happen'cause you're starting to realize there's an injustice and thus you deserve better, but the view is that the other person is the full problem.
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There's not yet the view that step one is actually our own self-relationship, our own self-concept.
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And so now we're waiting for the outer world to start treating us differently, but we haven't yet built up the sense of self that will be noticed or received differently by others, and most importantly,'cause that still m- might sound like you're, you know, just doing something internal so that other people can realize and change.
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Forget about other people.
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They might never change.
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That's fine,'cause you don't actually rely on that in order for you to change.
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So what's most important is for your own self-concept to change, that step one, that self-relating place, so that your step two, your communication capacities change.
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The other person's communication capacities will likely change with you when you make an inner shift, even if you haven't even started communicating outwardly differently yet, because your energy will be different.
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So people will start feeling you differently energetically, and thus they will start relating with you differently regardless, even if you haven't changed your verbal communication yet.
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That's what I was trying to mention before.
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But let's focus on ourselves.
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Forget about others for now.
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When you actually step into your true empowerment, your true place, you're not waiting for anybody else.
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You're not waiting for someone else to value you because you're already valuing yourself.
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When we're in the resentment place, we actually haven't picked ourselves up yet.
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Everything is in the other person's hands still.
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Resentment is,"I am the victim, and I'm annoyed at you about that." Self-ownership, self-valuing is,"Nobody can make me a victim if inside I know my own power, even if the outer experience is terrible.
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I know my own worthiness.
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I am in my own center.
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I am in my own self-love.
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I choose my own inner alignment." The outer world can be exploding, and you are in your own power So this is where people say nobody can make you a victim.
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This is a complicated conversation because I wanna make sure that people don't misinterpret me.
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I'm talking about finding your own inner empowerment here.
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I'm not saying that it's okay for people to treat you like shit, and it's your fault if you feel like a victim to that person.
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That is not what I'm saying.
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Okay?
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It depends on how we use the word victim.
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In a different conversation, if I'm not trying to make a point about personal empowerment, in a different conversation, I would be using the words victim and perpetrator all the time to symbolize this is somebody who did something that hurt someone else, and this is the person who received that hurt.
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I would be using victim and perpetrator as, words to describe those roles and those actions.
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So this is not like a victim blamey thing.
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This is not a bypassy thing.
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This is not like someone treated you in a horrible way, and I don't seem to care or validate that.
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That is absolutely not what I'm saying.
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Okay?
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What I am attempting here is a conversation around empowerment being possible from your own self-value, self-view, self-valuing, regardless of whether the other person ever apologizes, regardless of whether there's justice in whatever happened, regardless of whether other people acknowledge, whether there's a balance that comes to pass from a past pain that happened or a violation that happened.
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W- what I'm inviting here is choosing ourselves regardless of what anybody else says or does or believes or sees.
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Okay, so let me get back into our current, conversation.
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I just needed to give that disclaimer'cause it's really important to me that no one misunderstands my point.
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So we wanna look at what is resentment,'cause this is a very painful and damaging emotion that we feel when we are in a victim place, and we're waiting for the world to change so that we can feel better.
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Who is it hurting?
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It's hurting ourselves.
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Experiencing resentment is corroding our field.
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It's burning us up inside, not in a good way.
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So what is this?
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One way, not always, okay, but one way that we can define resentment is- I am mad at you for the fact that I did not uphold my own boundaries.
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Obviously, sometimes our boundaries are forced through and there's nothing that we can do about it, no matter how much we have tried.
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So I'm not talking about every single experience, but I'm saying right now, where is there an experience where we feel resentment towards somebody else because we actually didn't speak up enough, because we didn't stay in our center, we didn't fight for what we needed to fight for, or maybe we're not doing that right now, and so we're experiencing resentment towards the other person?
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Where have we absented ourselves from our own self-love, from our own sense of dignity, from our own sense of self-care or self-protection?
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Where did we not show up for ourselves, and now we're mad at the other person about that?
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Is there anyone that you're resenting in your life right now?
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This may or may not be relevant for the situation, okay?
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Every situation is very unique, so this is a general umbrella concept that, that doesn't always fit, but it could be helpful.
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So let's just take a look.
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Who am I resenting?
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And where is it that I am not taking self-ownership, that I am not speaking the full truth?
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I kind of want them to understand, or I want them to guess what I need, or I said it in a sideways way to try to keep the peace, but they're not really getting it.
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They're not really doing their full side of something.
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I'm just waiting for them to come around.
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I'm waiting for them to understand.
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I'm upset that they don't have more skills or more capacity or more understanding.
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I'm really annoyed that they're not showing up, right?
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That resentment is way stronger than the tone that I'm using, right?
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It's, it's, it's like a seething anger, but it's a disempowered anger.
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Resentment is an anger that comes from a sense of victimization.
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Feel how or in what way you may feel like this person's victim This person might never change, so there's no point in focusing on them'cause we don't have control over that.
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That is the trap of resentment.
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You're putting all the power in the other person's hands.
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You're saying,"I'm your victim.
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I am not fully owning myself.
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I'm not fully fighting.
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I'm not fully saying no.
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I'm not fully walking away, if that's what I need to do in order to protect myself.
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I'm not fully whatever.
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I'm not fully naming the truth, but I'm mad at you because you're not showing up in the way that I need." Okay?
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Again, might not be totally relevant to your situation, but it might, it might be.
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So how can we heal from resentment?
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We need to start noticing, where is it that it's convenient for me to stay out of my power?
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Because what's happening here is me waiting for the other person to show up for me, or to make amends, or to be a better person, or whatever, is an excuse for me to not have to be a better person with myself.
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What if it's just me with myself?
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What is my own self-relationship?
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Where am I not being in full integrity with myself?
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Where do I need to be like,"Okay, baby, we're gonna get up, and this is what we need to do"?
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Or we're gonna face this particular discomfort, or we're gonna show up, and there might be an argument, or there might be a huge fallout.
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There might be, I don't know, like, real world, things, right?
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You might get fired from your job if you speak the truth, or you might get in some huge custody battle that you're afraid of with your ex or...
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Right?
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There could be real-life things that we feel trapped by, where we don't fully show up in what's true to us.
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I'm not saying this is easy, and I'm not telling anyone what to do.
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Every scenario is different, but the point here is, if we're experiencing resentment somewhere, can we find where we have not chosen our own self-empowerment in a self-loving way?
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Because what happens if we don't do that?
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What happens if we don't own that we are not really owning our power?
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The resentment will make us act from an unhealthy place.
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The way that we communicate is gonna be this seething, judgmental, heavy, sticky, spiky energy as we try to simply name a yes or a no.
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What is that?
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That's not a neutral yes or a no the way that if we're centered, we're able to just show up easefully.
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This is a yes or no that is laced with an inner unfinished power struggle So we need to get honest with ourselves Where, this is a tough question, okay?
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But if we can be courageous, this can really save us from misery.
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Where is it that I am actually gaining something from remaining victimized in some way?
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this is complicated.
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This is hard, okay?
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Because we fall into what I've called the distorted feminine at some point, especially females in a, a patriarchal world, at some point because things have happened that have forced us into that place.
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It could be conditioning from when we were young, it could be just cultural conditioning over time with all these little microaggressions.
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It could be huge violations.
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It could be some kind of, developmental steps that you just never were able to go through, or love and attunement and a secure attachment that you were never able to receive, uh, respect that didn't happen in your upbringing, et cetera, where maybe those skills and those capacities didn't even have time to, to establish themselves in the first place, right?
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Or there were events later on that ended up disempowering us, and then we were afraid to show, show up again and speak up again.
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Okay.
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All kinds of reasons we end up in this place, but now that we're in this place, we're still in this place even when life is revealing to us new experiences that actually can be safe now That's where we have the opportunity to heal.
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That's where we can show up in a new way.
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That is where we're trying to come out of the distorted feminine towards our center now,'cause we're like,"Hey, I think I can now emerge and start being who I truly am, and showing up in the world, and communicating in a healthier way, and honoring myself more by being honest about what I want and need." But then we start going through these traps'cause we're t- carrying the traumas of our past with us as we're attempting this, right?
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And right now we're talking about the trap of resentment.
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In order for us to get out of the victimization that this resentment creates, we need to get honest with ourselves about this question that I said is hard for us to face, which is, where is it convenient for me to stay victimized?
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Where is it convenient for me?
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Where am I, like I said before, what am I gaining by staying out of my power?
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We're revisiting this question Here's another way to look at it.
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What would I risk if I chose to truly stand as who I am?
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Notice that I'm not even talking about changing other people's lives.
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I'm not talking about invading anybody else.
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I'm not talking about forcing anybody else to agree with us.
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I'm not talking about forcing anybody else to do anything with us, right?
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But how can you show up for yourself and as yourself towards others, regardless of the fallout?
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Wherever there is a fear of doing that, whatever is that gap between where you are and where you would need to be in order to be fully embodied and show up with your bright, strong heart and your open eyes, seeing the world from who you truly are within outward, whatever that gap is, th- there is fear there.
00:21:51.900 --> 00:22:11.561
There is a risk of,"Oh my God, but then this might happen." So then we stay in the victim place out of convenience of hiding, but then we're annoyed about it because we're not fully living, we're not fully being honest with ourselves, we're not fully showing up and being able to offer ourselves to the chances that might be able to happen if we actually tried.
00:22:13.219 --> 00:22:17.471
And so we're losing, and we're annoyed about this.
00:22:18.988 --> 00:22:33.442
But as long as we keep blaming the outer world- For basically waiting for the outer world to become comfortable enough for us to be able to just shimmy our way into our center and be like,"Ta-da, I'm here, no problem," right?
00:22:33.578 --> 00:22:35.938
We're wanting the other person to do that legwork for us.
00:22:36.451 --> 00:22:46.461
Like, I- I'm just gonna wait here until everything else is okay, and then once everybody is gonna be nice to me, then I'm gonna come into my center and be able to relate happily, right?
00:22:46.617 --> 00:22:49.185
And I'm resenting the fact that that's not what's happening.
00:22:49.372 --> 00:22:53.145
I'm mad at you for not making the world safe enough for me to show up for myself.
00:22:53.989 --> 00:22:55.490
We can be stuck in this for a long time.
00:22:55.711 --> 00:23:03.411
Doesn't matter what's m- our value judgment about how shitty the world is or whether it's okay that the world is like this.
00:23:03.426 --> 00:23:04.604
There's nothing we can do about it.
00:23:05.239 --> 00:23:18.105
So if we're gonna sit here making assessments of, you know, we deserve for the person to be nice to us before we show up for ourselves, yeah, you do, but that's not what's happening.
00:23:18.378 --> 00:23:19.655
So what are you gonna do about it?
00:23:20.320 --> 00:23:31.794
You can sit there and resent the person who's unable to change for the rest of your life, or you can show up for yourself in self-respect and be able to speak from a place of self-love, not from a place of resentment towards them.
00:23:32.953 --> 00:23:34.080
Because look how interesting.
00:23:34.365 --> 00:23:40.914
We start kind of When we're in resentment, remember how I said we start acting in the masculine, distorted masculine way?
00:23:41.426 --> 00:23:48.515
Our resentment starts creating this feeling of entitlement that that, let's say, narcissistic archetype had, right?
00:23:49.528 --> 00:23:53.732
Resentment is basically like,"I feel entitled for you to act better.
00:23:54.761 --> 00:24:01.487
I expect that you should be acting better than you are, but you're not, so F you," right?
00:24:01.721 --> 00:24:06.489
There starts to be this putting all of the expectation on the other person, but why?
00:24:06.674 --> 00:24:09.332
Because you're putting all of the agency on the other person.
00:24:10.980 --> 00:24:16.354
Because you don't want your agency, you're staying in the victim stance'cause there's that inconvenience of choosing your power, remember?
00:24:16.354 --> 00:24:19.571
So you're hiding in the victim stance, but you want something to change.
00:24:19.723 --> 00:24:31.134
You're expecting the outer world to change first, but it's not, so you're resenting because now you have this expectation, you have this entitlement'cause you're like,"Well, this victim stance sucks.
00:24:31.142 --> 00:24:42.644
This, this, this way of relating is not correct." At least you've figured that out, that you deserve something better, but the mechanism through which you believe that change will occur is still outside of you, the way that you've placed it.
00:24:42.972 --> 00:24:49.597
Well, that's very convenient because if you think that the outside needs to change in order for things to get better, you never have to face your fear of going into your power.
00:24:49.806 --> 00:24:50.955
So that's the linchpin.
00:24:52.246 --> 00:24:53.513
That's what's keeping you stuck.
00:24:54.839 --> 00:25:05.738
And worst of all, by the way, when you stay stuck in this resentment, you are gonna try to speak up, but you're gonna speak up in a way that's triggering to other people because you're speaking up from a messy place.
00:25:05.738 --> 00:25:06.409
It's not clean.
00:25:06.920 --> 00:25:10.509
It's gonna come laced with all of those energies that I had talked about before.
00:25:11.114 --> 00:25:17.268
It's heavy, it's spiky, it's blamey, it's not clean.
00:25:18.227 --> 00:25:22.509
So the other person is not going to relate with you very well in response.
00:25:22.530 --> 00:25:23.821
They're probably gonna react too.
00:25:25.559 --> 00:25:29.942
They're gonna be reactive to you because you are already starting the conversation from a reactive place.
00:25:30.179 --> 00:25:35.277
But the problem is that you might be like,"I'm coming into my power.
00:25:35.682 --> 00:25:39.166
I'm finally standing up for what I deserve.
00:25:39.478 --> 00:25:42.117
I'm finally asking for what I want.
00:25:42.183 --> 00:25:44.720
I'm finally saying no," right?
00:25:45.105 --> 00:26:01.775
From a place that's, like, trying to get your power, but it's coming still from a victim, still blaming the outer world, still resentful, but now you're like,"I deserve to be heard."'Cause you're starting to sort of get part of this stuff, right?
00:26:01.794 --> 00:26:05.267
But it's laced with this unfinished business.
00:26:06.451 --> 00:26:17.300
And so you're showing up with this new entitlement of showing up, but from a place that it's actually all about putting the, the blame and the judgment onto other people.
00:26:17.484 --> 00:26:47.538
So it's gonna backfire because y- you're not gonna be met very well, and that can stay in this horrible loop for quite a while, where you keep showing up, trying, thinking that you're empowered, but everyone around you just thinks you're annoying because you are creating drama by basically bringing a whole fight into a conversation that could have been neutral I'm sorry if that sounds a little harsh.
00:26:47.596 --> 00:26:53.709
I'm just trying to make a point We all do this in some way, okay?
00:26:53.730 --> 00:27:05.317
This isn't like you're either perfect or you're terrible, and you're either doing these things or someone else who doesn't get it is doing these things to you, and you're totally innocent, and this is all about somebody else, okay?
00:27:05.631 --> 00:27:07.440
I'm not throwing anybody under the bus here.
00:27:07.786 --> 00:27:09.078
Nobody's black and white.
00:27:09.323 --> 00:27:11.250
We all have different aspects of this.
00:27:11.251 --> 00:27:12.990
We all have aspects of cleanliness.
00:27:12.991 --> 00:27:17.595
We all have aspects of still being messed up in what we are or are not capable of.
00:27:17.915 --> 00:27:19.104
The world is a difficult place.
00:27:19.104 --> 00:27:20.227
We've all been through trauma.
00:27:20.241 --> 00:27:21.589
We all have our wounds.
00:27:22.165 --> 00:27:27.553
This is simply a way for us to start realizing where our blind spots might be or where we might be stuck.
00:27:30.556 --> 00:27:31.845
So how do we get out of this?
00:27:33.827 --> 00:27:34.993
Step one is what?
00:27:35.397 --> 00:27:39.169
Our self-concept What are we to ourselves?
00:27:39.231 --> 00:27:40.971
Am I the victim or am I the creator?
00:27:42.942 --> 00:27:48.282
Am I worthy of simply naming what it is that I want?
00:27:48.686 --> 00:28:02.929
Or because I'm afraid that I'm being too much, I then need to overcompensate by convincing myself that what I'm saying is the most important thing in the world that must be met by everyone, right?
00:28:02.938 --> 00:28:19.217
You're going from disordered feminine to disordered masculine in order to cover up the fact that I still feel uncomfortable about showing up So if we were to summarize all of this, my whole point is simply where are you trapped?
00:28:20.913 --> 00:28:24.260
And we can all find both of these locations, okay?
00:28:24.263 --> 00:28:29.036
I wanna empower all of us to find where we're trapped everywhere.
00:28:29.568 --> 00:28:31.980
Where are you trapped in the distorted feminine side?
00:28:34.596 --> 00:28:37.248
And where are you trapped in the distorted masculine side?
00:28:39.234 --> 00:28:41.498
'Cause you can see how they create each other, right?
00:28:41.498 --> 00:28:46.582
They, they jump back and forth from one to the other, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.
00:28:47.718 --> 00:28:48.979
That's why they're separated.
00:28:48.993 --> 00:28:52.223
That's why feminine is to the left and masculine is to the right on the map.
00:28:53.479 --> 00:28:58.152
What happens when we're in our center, as I had said in the way beginning, the masculine and feminine come together.
00:28:58.164 --> 00:28:59.820
They're no longer in opposition to each other.
00:29:00.815 --> 00:29:11.253
You are both yielding and agentic You are able to receive others and you're able to bring yourself forth.
00:29:11.643 --> 00:29:15.107
That's what it is to be both in the healthy masculine and feminine centered.
00:29:17.988 --> 00:29:24.751
You are able to perceive your own value and inherent value, and you're able to perceive the other person's inherent value.
00:29:25.413 --> 00:29:31.191
You're able to perceive the naturalness of your own wants and needs and the naturalness of the other person's wants and needs.
00:29:32.375 --> 00:29:40.207
And you're able to perceive that sometimes the environment around you is gonna be able to make your wants and needs happen, and sometimes it's not.
00:29:40.865 --> 00:29:42.607
Same with those of the other person.
00:29:45.605 --> 00:29:49.877
Now, one more piece that I'll say is if we're afraid of conflict, we're gonna have an issue speaking up.
00:29:50.875 --> 00:29:53.791
I mentioned that, the people-pleasing, the avoidance of conflict.
00:29:55.635 --> 00:30:04.423
When we have an issue speaking up, when we try to speak up, which is great, we're getting there, we're getting there, we're on our way, but we can still hit a trap.
00:30:05.584 --> 00:30:19.180
The way that we speak up oftentimes is anticipating somebody else's rejection, anticipating somebody else's judgment, and thus we're gonna speak up in potentially an aggressive way.
00:30:21.060 --> 00:30:28.260
This may or may not be similar to the resentment example Why are we anticipating those things?
00:30:28.573 --> 00:30:34.963
It's not about the other person, even if maybe you're relating with someone who does tend to, to act that way.
00:30:34.978 --> 00:30:43.103
That can make things harder But the point here is to find out if you have a pattern with anyone that you speak with.
00:30:43.125 --> 00:30:43.349
Okay?
00:30:43.349 --> 00:31:01.148
This isn't just like,"Oh, I have an issue with this one person, and this is our dynamic." Right now you're looking at yourself to understand where do you have a pattern that shows up no matter who you're speaking with If you're going aggressive when you're trying to communicate your needs, you are overcompensating.
00:31:01.336 --> 00:31:02.619
Why are you overcompensating?
00:31:02.846 --> 00:31:04.355
Because you think others are gonna judge you.
00:31:04.507 --> 00:31:06.058
Why do you think others are gonna judge you?
00:31:06.420 --> 00:31:10.696
First of all, realistically, because at some point somebody did, but what was the impact of that?
00:31:10.884 --> 00:31:12.538
Now you're still judging yourself.
00:31:15.243 --> 00:31:41.015
This is why it all comes back to step one, self-concept, self-relationship So the number one thing that we're doing to heal, to get out of this victim stance, past the traps of resentment and aggression and into centeredness, getting out of the distorted feminine, past the traps of distorted masculine and into centeredness, what's the first step?
00:31:42.394 --> 00:31:50.682
Finding our power deep inside in our own inner relationship.
00:31:51.893 --> 00:31:55.242
The core of our power is our sense of worthiness.
00:31:58.170 --> 00:31:58.769
That's it.
00:32:00.959 --> 00:32:06.965
It requires courage because showing up in our power means we're gonna be seen.
00:32:08.510 --> 00:32:09.865
It means we're gonna take up space.
00:32:09.883 --> 00:32:11.181
It means we're actually gonna be here.
00:32:11.404 --> 00:32:12.854
It means we're actually gonna exist.
00:32:13.413 --> 00:32:15.315
It means we're, we're choosing to live life.
00:32:17.949 --> 00:32:18.737
This is huge.
00:32:20.412 --> 00:32:23.106
This is a yes to our own relationship with ourselves.
00:32:23.335 --> 00:32:27.017
This is a yes to our own embodiment, to our own relationship with our own body.
00:32:27.550 --> 00:32:33.285
This is a yes to our own relationship with our own life, and this is a yes to our own relationship with the world.
00:32:34.256 --> 00:32:39.133
Way bigger than a random conversation with someone that you know about something that you wanna ask them.
00:32:40.520 --> 00:32:42.326
This is the core of what's really happening.
00:32:43.083 --> 00:32:44.097
We gotta get with that.
00:32:44.431 --> 00:32:47.763
We gotta get with, what is my resistance to inhabiting my own body?
00:32:49.569 --> 00:32:52.736
What is my resistance to saying yes fully to my own life?
00:32:55.612 --> 00:33:00.471
What is my resistance to living in this sometimes very difficult world that we live in?
00:33:03.366 --> 00:33:04.993
And where can I find a yes to that?
00:33:05.259 --> 00:33:18.390
Where can I find a yes to myself being in my own place, inhabiting my place fully, and saying yes to my life as it is, owning it as it is, and being my own best cheerleader?
00:33:20.233 --> 00:33:32.903
Not in reactivity to the world, not in reactivity to my life, not in reactivity to my past that's continuing to present itself in all of my future experiences'cause I keep projecting it onto whoever I now meet.
00:33:34.452 --> 00:33:38.038
But where can I come into a, a yes to myself?
00:33:38.835 --> 00:33:41.036
Where can I come into an agreement with myself?
00:33:42.025 --> 00:33:51.412
Where can I be my own number one person who loves myself, accepts myself, and values myself?
00:33:52.813 --> 00:33:56.578
In that relationship, then we're talking about finding our worthiness again.
00:33:56.907 --> 00:34:03.628
Then we have this inherent deservingness, not in an entitled way, but in an from the inside out kind of way.
00:34:04.625 --> 00:34:07.067
And then I'm just speaking from matter of fact.
00:34:07.083 --> 00:34:07.755
Here I am.
00:34:07.862 --> 00:34:08.465
This is me.
00:34:08.900 --> 00:34:10.289
This is what I'm into, this is what I'm not.
00:34:10.331 --> 00:34:11.175
This is what I want.
00:34:11.452 --> 00:34:12.284
I hope it can happen.
00:34:12.909 --> 00:34:15.896
By the way, this is what I really need, so if it doesn't happen, I'm gonna have to leave.
00:34:17.307 --> 00:34:20.237
And oh, that's definitely not okay with me.
00:34:20.237 --> 00:34:22.650
I need to let you know now,'cause that's a hard boundary for me.
00:34:23.545 --> 00:34:25.744
I need to show up for myself, so I'm just letting you know.
00:34:27.561 --> 00:34:28.344
What did I just say?
00:34:28.355 --> 00:34:33.193
Those are examples of yeses and nos from a centered place, from a self-love place.
00:34:33.641 --> 00:34:35.579
All of that is about my relationship with myself.
00:34:35.581 --> 00:34:36.702
It's not about the other person.
00:34:37.610 --> 00:34:38.358
It's not about them.
00:34:40.490 --> 00:34:59.400
The victim is so invaded by the other person and is so used to the world revolving around the other person and is so used to having to manage the other person in order to try to protect themselves that when they try to get out of the victim stance, the resentment and the aggression is all about the other person.
00:34:59.630 --> 00:35:08.570
It's all about anticipating that the other person is gonna reject them, the other person's not gonna understand, so I need to show up for a fight, and I'm already resenting the fact the other person is probably not gonna let me be in my power.
00:35:08.570 --> 00:35:09.556
It's all about the other person.
00:35:09.916 --> 00:35:10.889
It's all about the outer world.
00:35:10.900 --> 00:35:18.528
Forget about that Your true capacity to be in your own boundaries, to be in your own yes and no, it has nothing to do with anybody else.
00:35:18.768 --> 00:35:19.693
It has to do with yourself.
00:35:21.394 --> 00:35:22.713
So this is complicated, right?
00:35:22.730 --> 00:35:26.695
Because where are we giving ourselves an excuse?
00:35:27.668 --> 00:35:42.983
Where are we not doing our inner homework in our own presence with ourselves, our own friendship with ourselves And in the gap, in the place where we're not doing that, we're putting the homework out into the world.
00:35:42.983 --> 00:35:44.940
Like,"Oh, this person better understand me better.
00:35:44.940 --> 00:35:46.822
This person better know how to receive me better.
00:35:46.827 --> 00:35:53.677
This person better know how to anticipate my needs better." We're putting the homework on them'cause we're not wanting to do our own inner homework.
00:35:54.414 --> 00:35:58.226
Again, disclaimer, this doesn't mean that we live in a fair world.
00:35:58.367 --> 00:36:00.963
This doesn't mean that we actually are being treated okay by other people.
00:36:00.963 --> 00:36:01.938
It doesn't mean any of that.
00:36:02.172 --> 00:36:14.271
I understand that there are a lot of unhealthy relationships that might simply need a goodbye in order to be able to, uh, ha- experience self-love and self-protection.
00:36:15.166 --> 00:36:21.414
I'm not saying that you're the problem, that everybody else is perfect, and if you just accepted your own self-love, then your life would be perfect.
00:36:21.427 --> 00:36:22.380
I'm not saying any of that.
00:36:24.028 --> 00:36:32.333
What I am saying is your own boundaries, your own no is all about your relationship with yourself rather than someone else's relationship with you.
00:36:34.010 --> 00:36:36.387
This is where you actually regain your own sense of power.
00:36:36.840 --> 00:36:39.126
It's like,"Hey, this is who I am.
00:36:40.574 --> 00:36:41.804
I fully accept who I am.
00:36:42.753 --> 00:36:44.994
This is what I'm capable of, and this is what I'm not.
00:36:46.282 --> 00:36:48.980
And so this is what I need when I'm relating with people.
00:36:49.507 --> 00:36:56.893
This is what I need in order to be safe and to feel respected and to be able to show up from a grounded, centered, open-hearted way in order to relate.
00:36:57.500 --> 00:37:02.708
What I need is to be treated like this or like that, and what I need is for this to not happen.
00:37:03.829 --> 00:37:15.664
I need for you to know that doing this or acting this particular way is not okay with me, and I'm just letting you know what I show up with in terms of the conditions that I need in order to be able to relate in a healthy way.
00:37:15.849 --> 00:37:18.344
If you're not able to do that, i'm gonna leave.
00:37:20.434 --> 00:37:28.211
First, I can simply be honest and clear, transparent about my requests, give you a chance to change, of course.
00:37:28.244 --> 00:37:31.398
It's not like there's a zero tolerance policy here.
00:37:32.719 --> 00:37:42.110
But the point is, we are not staying in a situation that's bad for us and resenting the other person for not being malleable enough to become what we want them to become.
00:37:42.242 --> 00:37:43.632
We're being honest about what is.
00:37:43.726 --> 00:37:45.079
I'm showing up fully in the world.
00:37:45.353 --> 00:37:46.856
Sometimes I will need to argue.
00:37:47.041 --> 00:37:48.465
Sometimes I'm gonna need to fight.
00:37:48.684 --> 00:37:50.371
Sometimes I'm gonna need to walk away.
00:37:51.175 --> 00:37:52.411
Depends on the situation.
00:37:54.121 --> 00:37:54.880
But I'm here.
00:37:55.398 --> 00:38:05.931
I'm standing up for myself, not in a resentful way, not in an overly aggressive way, not in a blamey way, but standing up for myself in the sense that I stay standing.
00:38:06.342 --> 00:38:08.333
I stay standing in my center.
00:38:08.438 --> 00:38:26.708
I don't fall over into the power under, and I don't throw myself into your world g- combative in a, in a power over way I am simply acknowledging what reality is for me.
00:38:27.076 --> 00:38:28.768
I'm communicating the step two, right?
00:38:28.768 --> 00:38:35.467
I'm communicating my own inner world, that step one experience, my own self-relationship.
00:38:36.286 --> 00:38:43.175
I have done the inner work to understand my own self-relationship, what's true for me, what I actually need in order to function in a healthy way.
00:38:44.268 --> 00:38:45.827
That's my own inner self-dialogue.
00:38:45.827 --> 00:38:47.242
That's my own inner contemplation.
00:38:47.786 --> 00:38:57.942
And because I have now understood myself, and I value myself, and I accept myself as I am, and I know that it's okay to be how I am, I don't have to be perfect.
00:38:58.226 --> 00:38:59.012
I can be messy.
00:38:59.012 --> 00:39:01.643
I can have my own limits, and I can respect that.
00:39:01.643 --> 00:39:03.626
I can respect where I have my weak spots.
00:39:03.628 --> 00:39:25.514
I can respect where I have my traumas, and I can respect that those areas need to be respected by me holding certain boundaries in order to maybe have a little bit more protective space around stuff that I'm, I'm not ready to fully have the world touch in every which way Every person's boundaries are unique to them.
00:39:26.481 --> 00:39:29.782
There's no like, this is okay and this is not okay.
00:39:29.840 --> 00:39:36.436
There are obviously general things that every human tends to want and not want, obviously.
00:39:37.139 --> 00:39:38.778
But people's boundaries are unique to them.
00:39:38.791 --> 00:39:44.027
What's okay with one person is not gonna be okay with somebody else, because we each come with different strengths and weaknesses.
00:39:44.028 --> 00:39:51.945
We each come with different pasts, and thus different needs So what are our takeaways here?
00:39:51.945 --> 00:39:58.713
Number one Where are you avoiding your own power and blaming someone else or something else instead?
00:40:00.833 --> 00:40:08.985
What are you afraid of inside of yourself and your own self-experience, or how your life might change if you were to actually choose your power?
00:40:11.996 --> 00:40:14.293
Your power meaning your own deservingness.
00:40:15.838 --> 00:40:22.900
Not from a power struggle place, but from a place of acceptance of what's simply true for you, of what it is that you need.
00:40:23.601 --> 00:40:24.782
Simply what's true for you.
00:40:25.706 --> 00:40:31.088
Again, the more you deny it, the more you're gonna fight in a way that is unclean about it.
00:40:31.485 --> 00:40:32.949
So it's just about accepting it.
00:40:32.963 --> 00:40:34.431
What is it that you actually want and need?
00:40:36.050 --> 00:40:45.061
And how can you find all the places that you're still judging that you want and need that, you're shaming yourself for wanting and needing that, and instead you just come into a place of acceptance.
00:40:45.079 --> 00:40:58.862
Yeah, this is how I am, and because of how I am, because of my strengths and weaknesses, because of my past, because of the life that I wanna lead, because of simply my makeup, because of simply my personality, whatever it is, this is what I want and need.
00:40:59.659 --> 00:41:00.534
No judgment about it.
00:41:01.621 --> 00:41:08.786
Find where you're judging it,'cause if you don't, you're gonna project that judgment onto other people, and you're gonna be kind of annoying about it when you try to communicate about it.
00:41:08.943 --> 00:41:23.342
So just do the inner work first Where do I want to accept being a victim'cause it's more convenient and then blame other people and resent the fact that I'm there because I'm actually gaining something from it?
00:41:23.396 --> 00:41:25.704
That's the question that we keep needing to come back to.
00:41:27.152 --> 00:41:28.039
We're just owning that.
00:41:28.123 --> 00:41:29.824
Where is it convenient for me to hide?
00:41:32.351 --> 00:41:36.605
And of course, to motivate ourselves, what can I truly gain when I own myself fully?
00:41:36.923 --> 00:41:44.001
When I take up my own space When I simply accept who I am.
00:41:44.626 --> 00:41:50.211
I was gonna say claim who I am, but that can also kind of become sort of a fight energy, which is not the point here.
00:41:50.510 --> 00:41:52.164
But there is a strength to it.
00:41:53.371 --> 00:41:56.913
True strength has no aggression to it, but it's extremely powerful.
00:41:58.195 --> 00:42:01.664
To be clear, the victim side has no power.
00:42:02.541 --> 00:42:05.375
The perpetrator side has a false power.
00:42:05.789 --> 00:42:09.447
It's aggression, either emotionally or through behavior.
00:42:09.983 --> 00:42:11.744
True power is life force.
00:42:11.791 --> 00:42:12.996
It's neither of those two things.
00:42:13.007 --> 00:42:13.740
It's life force.
00:42:13.744 --> 00:42:15.197
It's, it's when you're in your center.
00:42:15.197 --> 00:42:27.416
That's why I'm calling it the central channel, which includes your groundedness, your embodiment, your self-love, your heart, your inner alignment what is centeredness, the soul is in the body.
00:42:28.315 --> 00:42:45.813
If you wanna look at that particular concept in more detail, I have a three-part series episodes seven, eight, and nine, called Trauma and Resilience that goes very deep around finding your power by claiming your body and your incarnation.
00:42:47.003 --> 00:43:02.827
If you are looking to find both theory as well as practical ways to consider how do I choose embodiment, how do I find self-love, how do I really do the movements that I've spoken about in this episode, I highly recommend those episodes.
00:43:04.282 --> 00:43:05.585
Okay, so that's it for today.
00:43:05.621 --> 00:43:10.559
Any comments, you can always go into the show notes, and at the way bottom there's a place to write me that you can click on.
00:43:11.543 --> 00:43:12.648
I hope this was helpful.
00:43:12.659 --> 00:43:16.081
Please go ahead and send this to anyone that you think would be able to benefit.
00:43:16.581 --> 00:43:17.072
Blessings.
00:43:17.074 --> 00:43:24.943
Take care thank you for being with me in The Ground of Love.
00:43:25.818 --> 00:43:33.900
You can follow this podcast to receive the next episodes, and who is it that comes to mind to share this episode with?
00:43:34.121 --> 00:43:40.494
Please go ahead and pass this along to them and go ahead and leave a review or a rating if you wish.
00:43:40.655 --> 00:43:41.554
I thank you for that.
00:43:42.346 --> 00:43:47.271
For one-on-one healing sessions and a group membership.
00:43:47.940 --> 00:43:52.800
you can go to www.thegroundoflove.com Blessings to you.
00:43:53.340 --> 00:43:57.360
May you be protected, held, regenerated centered.
00:43:57.840 --> 00:44:11.675
And taken forward with all light, love, truth and highest and best health and wellbeing on all levels and taken forward to make the greatest, most beautiful impact doing exactly what you're here to do.
00:44:13.115 --> 00:44:13.925
God bless you.
00:44:15.065 --> 00:44:18.005
Protection, grace, protection, grace.
00:44:19.565 --> 00:44:20.315
So it is.
00:00:00.050 --> 00:00:05.780
Finding our power deep inside in our own inner relationship.
00:00:06.923 --> 00:00:10.272
The core of our power is our sense of worthiness.
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That's it.
00:00:13.772 --> 00:00:18.835
It requires courage because showing up in our power means we're gonna be seen.
00:00:19.966 --> 00:00:21.321
It means we're gonna take up space.
00:00:21.338 --> 00:00:22.637
It means we're actually gonna be here.
00:00:22.861 --> 00:00:24.309
It means we're actually gonna exist.
00:00:24.868 --> 00:00:26.602
It means we're choosing to live life.
00:00:28.015 --> 00:00:28.803
This is huge.
00:00:29.419 --> 00:00:32.113
This is a yes to our own relationship with ourselves.
00:00:33.148 --> 00:00:34.954
This is the core of what's really happening.
00:00:35.433 --> 00:00:36.448
We gotta get with that.
00:00:39.133 --> 00:00:40.982
Welcome to the Ground of Love.
00:00:41.454 --> 00:00:43.124
I'm your host, Olivia Frazao.
00:00:43.743 --> 00:00:47.753
This is a podcast for people who are deeply dedicated to the spiritual journey.
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You are here for self-growth care, for others, and being of service to the world.
00:00:54.348 --> 00:01:06.659
This podcast is in service to you to help you remember who you are and why you are here, you will receive inspiration, clarity, and no BS Love.
00:01:07.382 --> 00:01:09.242
We are walking each other home.
00:01:10.045 --> 00:01:10.754
Let's begin.
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This is part two in a two-part series of boundaries, showing up in our power and communicating our boundaries in a healthy way.
00:01:22.099 --> 00:01:39.030
In the last episode, episode 64, we laid out a basic map where we are in our center, or we fall to the left into a power under position where we're victimized in what I'm calling the distorted feminine side of, let's say, a power dynamic.
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Or we're falling to the right side into what you could call the perpetrator side, the power over side, or the distorted masculine side.
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Basically what we're wanting is center.
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We're wanting to be in our power, in our sense of worthiness, in our understanding of what we want and need and the fact that we deserve those things, and being able to communicate it in a healthy, easy way to other people.
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And I just gave you that really quick summary in case you didn't listen to the past episode.
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It's okay to start here, but if you want to, you can go listen to that one first.
00:02:17.627 --> 00:02:18.592
Either way is okay.
00:02:18.912 --> 00:02:26.828
In this episode, what we're going to do is start from the premise that you got stuck in what I'm calling the distorted feminine side.
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So we're starting from the premise of coming from a place where you feel disempowered to show up in your power and in your boundaries to really state what you need, your yes's and your no's.
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And we're gonna look at what does it take actually to get to a place of empowerment, to get to a place of being in your center, to get to a place of being able to communicate your yeses and your nos rather than hiding, or rather than getting stuck in some traps along the way.
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So we are going to look at what those traps are, why they're there, and what we need to do instead.
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So now we're gonna pick up where we left off.
00:03:06.105 --> 00:03:28.500
Here we go So now we're gonna look at if we find ourselves trapped in the distorted feminine side in some way, how can we get out of it in a clean way and not fall into the traps, because there, there are a few traps there, that stop us from getting back into our true power?
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That's the current discussion now.
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How do we feel?
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Let's review.
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How do we feel when we're in the distorted feminine side?
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There's the self-view I'm not worthy, let's leave it at that.
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And then there's how we show up in our communication as a result of that self-view I am not worthy of being in my power, of revealing myself, of deserving, of taking up space.
00:04:05.401 --> 00:04:07.862
How do we communicate as a result?
00:04:07.882 --> 00:04:09.002
Well, basically, we don't.
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We communicate less We hide what we truly need, and we over prioritize what other people truly need.
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Okay?
00:04:17.461 --> 00:04:21.187
That is what we're gonna call the starting out point, okay?
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That's the current status quo.
00:04:23.387 --> 00:04:33.266
Now, where we wanna get to, I already described this, but where we wanna get to, that center is a place of a positive self-concept and self-relationship, right?
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A sense of our own inherent value, a sense of the inherent value of what we want and need, of our yes and our no, and the fact that it's natural, and there's no assessment, there's no judgment around it.
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It just is.
00:04:45.601 --> 00:04:52.288
And the capacity to very simply, because there's no value judgment there of good or bad, it's just natural.
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It's just okay.
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It's totally accepted.
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It is what it is.
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It's just a fact.
00:04:56.122 --> 00:05:07.952
We can very easily name our yes and our no, what we want, make a request, make an invitation, ask for something, or be like,"Hey, I'm not okay with this," and state a no in some way.
00:05:08.225 --> 00:05:09.223
"This is a boundary for me.
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This is a, this is a limit for me," et cetera That's what we want.
00:05:15.064 --> 00:05:34.910
To get from where we're at to what we want, we have the traps Let's look at those When I am in the distorted feminine side and I'm trying to get out of it, in our little map here, I'm going towards the right.
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Yeah?
00:05:36.865 --> 00:05:48.983
So as I'm going towards the right, I can actually pendulum swing my way all the way to the distorted masculine side.
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I can go all the way to the right side of the map.
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Rather than from left to center, I go from left past the center, I don't even stop there, and I end up on the right.
00:06:01.704 --> 00:06:02.146
Okay?
00:06:03.149 --> 00:06:09.564
And strangely enough, despite the fact that this is, let's say, an unhealthy move, it actually is a move towards health.
00:06:10.615 --> 00:06:15.697
Sometimes we need to move through that pendulum swing in order to come into our power.
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We just need to realize that we're not there yet.
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That's all.
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It's an intermediary step.
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It's a trap if we get stuck there forever.
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It's a trap if we're not aware of it, and if we think it's ultimate reality.
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If we realize that that's just a part of us that's trying to find our power, that's okay.
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We can take responsibility for it.
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We don't have to throw it all over other people.
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We don't need to be stuck in an identity that doesn't actually serve us.
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But it actually is a sign that we're coming out of, let's say, a, a more stagnated place of disappearing ourselves Because the one who is in that, let's say, first phase of just totally, let's say submissive, quieter, overly yielding, absent to ourselves, not knowing how to speak up, that place If there is no understanding that that's messed up and that you deserve better, you're just gonna accept it and be there forever If you are starting to pendulum swing towards, s- I'm, I'm gonna say this in a way that might be triggering, but towards sometimes, let's say, acting out, that's actually a good sign because there's a part of you that's starting to rebel against what's been happening.
00:07:36.447 --> 00:07:49.062
There's a part of you that realizes,"Oh my God, this is messed up." The way to deal with the,"Oh my God, this is messed up," still has not arrived in a healthy way, but movement is occurring.
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Self-valuing is starting to happen.
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That is a good thing.
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We simply don't have th- the, let's say, arrival place necessary to be able to come from a place of true empowerment, but we're getting there.
00:08:04.271 --> 00:08:34.932
So let's look at this When we are stuck in a victim place and we realize that that is an injustice, but we are still in the victim place, we will experience resentment Resentment is realizing that you are not in your power, but still feeling powerless to get out of it and blaming the other person for the fact that that's where you're at.
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You are still not centered in your own central channel, in your own roots, in your own body, and in your own sense of inner value and inner worthiness, in your own self-relationship.
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That has not yet happened.
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It's starting to happen'cause you're starting to realize there's an injustice and thus you deserve better, but the view is that the other person is the full problem.
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There's not yet the view that step one is actually our own self-relationship, our own self-concept.
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And so now we're waiting for the outer world to start treating us differently, but we haven't yet built up the sense of self that will be noticed or received differently by others, and most importantly,'cause that still m- might sound like you're, you know, just doing something internal so that other people can realize and change.
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Forget about other people.
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They might never change.
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That's fine,'cause you don't actually rely on that in order for you to change.
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So what's most important is for your own self-concept to change, that step one, that self-relating place, so that your step two, your communication capacities change.
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The other person's communication capacities will likely change with you when you make an inner shift, even if you haven't even started communicating outwardly differently yet, because your energy will be different.
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So people will start feeling you differently energetically, and thus they will start relating with you differently regardless, even if you haven't changed your verbal communication yet.
00:10:02.864 --> 00:10:04.231
That's what I was trying to mention before.
00:10:04.985 --> 00:10:06.418
But let's focus on ourselves.
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Forget about others for now.
00:10:08.716 --> 00:10:14.326
When you actually step into your true empowerment, your true place, you're not waiting for anybody else.
00:10:15.446 --> 00:10:19.046
You're not waiting for someone else to value you because you're already valuing yourself.
00:10:19.785 --> 00:10:26.352
When we're in the resentment place, we actually haven't picked ourselves up yet.
00:10:27.965 --> 00:10:30.629
Everything is in the other person's hands still.
00:10:32.166 --> 00:10:50.120
Resentment is,"I am the victim, and I'm annoyed at you about that." Self-ownership, self-valuing is,"Nobody can make me a victim if inside I know my own power, even if the outer experience is terrible.
00:10:51.839 --> 00:10:53.399
I know my own worthiness.
00:10:53.748 --> 00:10:55.291
I am in my own center.
00:10:55.537 --> 00:10:57.207
I am in my own self-love.
00:10:57.493 --> 00:11:10.394
I choose my own inner alignment." The outer world can be exploding, and you are in your own power So this is where people say nobody can make you a victim.
00:11:11.527 --> 00:11:16.610
This is a complicated conversation because I wanna make sure that people don't misinterpret me.
00:11:19.206 --> 00:11:21.956
I'm talking about finding your own inner empowerment here.
00:11:22.022 --> 00:11:30.517
I'm not saying that it's okay for people to treat you like shit, and it's your fault if you feel like a victim to that person.
00:11:30.571 --> 00:11:32.014
That is not what I'm saying.
00:11:32.373 --> 00:11:32.735
Okay?
00:11:32.916 --> 00:11:34.698
It depends on how we use the word victim.
00:11:34.698 --> 00:11:47.812
In a different conversation, if I'm not trying to make a point about personal empowerment, in a different conversation, I would be using the words victim and perpetrator all the time to symbolize this is somebody who did something that hurt someone else, and this is the person who received that hurt.
00:11:48.368 --> 00:11:53.311
I would be using victim and perpetrator as, words to describe those roles and those actions.
00:11:54.208 --> 00:11:56.519
So this is not like a victim blamey thing.
00:11:56.523 --> 00:11:58.162
This is not a bypassy thing.
00:11:58.169 --> 00:12:05.581
This is not like someone treated you in a horrible way, and I don't seem to care or validate that.
00:12:05.600 --> 00:12:07.259
That is absolutely not what I'm saying.
00:12:07.475 --> 00:12:07.903
Okay?
00:12:10.765 --> 00:12:44.105
What I am attempting here is a conversation around empowerment being possible from your own self-value, self-view, self-valuing, regardless of whether the other person ever apologizes, regardless of whether there's justice in whatever happened, regardless of whether other people acknowledge, whether there's a balance that comes to pass from a past pain that happened or a violation that happened.
00:12:44.577 --> 00:12:55.572
W- what I'm inviting here is choosing ourselves regardless of what anybody else says or does or believes or sees.
00:12:56.876 --> 00:13:01.296
Okay, so let me get back into our current, conversation.
00:13:02.580 --> 00:13:06.466
I just needed to give that disclaimer'cause it's really important to me that no one misunderstands my point.
00:13:08.918 --> 00:13:20.009
So we wanna look at what is resentment,'cause this is a very painful and damaging emotion that we feel when we are in a victim place, and we're waiting for the world to change so that we can feel better.
00:13:20.456 --> 00:13:21.243
Who is it hurting?
00:13:21.245 --> 00:13:22.293
It's hurting ourselves.
00:13:23.725 --> 00:13:27.164
Experiencing resentment is corroding our field.
00:13:27.921 --> 00:13:30.202
It's burning us up inside, not in a good way.
00:13:31.533 --> 00:13:32.600
So what is this?
00:13:33.249 --> 00:13:47.572
One way, not always, okay, but one way that we can define resentment is- I am mad at you for the fact that I did not uphold my own boundaries.
00:13:50.774 --> 00:13:56.138
Obviously, sometimes our boundaries are forced through and there's nothing that we can do about it, no matter how much we have tried.
00:13:57.054 --> 00:14:16.046
So I'm not talking about every single experience, but I'm saying right now, where is there an experience where we feel resentment towards somebody else because we actually didn't speak up enough, because we didn't stay in our center, we didn't fight for what we needed to fight for, or maybe we're not doing that right now, and so we're experiencing resentment towards the other person?
00:14:17.221 --> 00:14:28.193
Where have we absented ourselves from our own self-love, from our own sense of dignity, from our own sense of self-care or self-protection?
00:14:28.436 --> 00:14:33.174
Where did we not show up for ourselves, and now we're mad at the other person about that?
00:14:36.485 --> 00:14:39.361
Is there anyone that you're resenting in your life right now?
00:14:40.511 --> 00:14:42.861
This may or may not be relevant for the situation, okay?
00:14:42.863 --> 00:14:50.291
Every situation is very unique, so this is a general umbrella concept that, that doesn't always fit, but it could be helpful.
00:14:50.345 --> 00:14:51.470
So let's just take a look.
00:14:51.839 --> 00:14:52.994
Who am I resenting?
00:14:54.374 --> 00:15:00.984
And where is it that I am not taking self-ownership, that I am not speaking the full truth?
00:15:01.395 --> 00:15:10.965
I kind of want them to understand, or I want them to guess what I need, or I said it in a sideways way to try to keep the peace, but they're not really getting it.
00:15:10.976 --> 00:15:13.177
They're not really doing their full side of something.
00:15:14.760 --> 00:15:16.974
I'm just waiting for them to come around.
00:15:17.443 --> 00:15:18.774
I'm waiting for them to understand.
00:15:18.783 --> 00:15:22.375
I'm upset that they don't have more skills or more capacity or more understanding.
00:15:24.341 --> 00:15:27.870
I'm really annoyed that they're not showing up, right?
00:15:27.884 --> 00:15:31.530
That resentment is way stronger than the tone that I'm using, right?
00:15:31.532 --> 00:15:35.996
It's, it's, it's like a seething anger, but it's a disempowered anger.
00:15:36.030 --> 00:15:38.844
Resentment is an anger that comes from a sense of victimization.
00:15:40.311 --> 00:15:53.631
Feel how or in what way you may feel like this person's victim This person might never change, so there's no point in focusing on them'cause we don't have control over that.
00:15:54.558 --> 00:15:56.197
That is the trap of resentment.
00:15:56.342 --> 00:15:58.289
You're putting all the power in the other person's hands.
00:15:58.289 --> 00:15:59.466
You're saying,"I'm your victim.
00:16:00.303 --> 00:16:01.847
I am not fully owning myself.
00:16:01.876 --> 00:16:02.897
I'm not fully fighting.
00:16:02.918 --> 00:16:04.028
I'm not fully saying no.
00:16:04.033 --> 00:16:07.004
I'm not fully walking away, if that's what I need to do in order to protect myself.
00:16:07.269 --> 00:16:08.436
I'm not fully whatever.
00:16:08.636 --> 00:16:17.245
I'm not fully naming the truth, but I'm mad at you because you're not showing up in the way that I need." Okay?
00:16:17.299 --> 00:16:21.015
Again, might not be totally relevant to your situation, but it might, it might be.
00:16:22.124 --> 00:16:23.677
So how can we heal from resentment?
00:16:23.875 --> 00:16:28.322
We need to start noticing, where is it that it's convenient for me to stay out of my power?
00:16:28.969 --> 00:16:39.616
Because what's happening here is me waiting for the other person to show up for me, or to make amends, or to be a better person, or whatever, is an excuse for me to not have to be a better person with myself.
00:16:40.835 --> 00:16:42.298
What if it's just me with myself?
00:16:42.298 --> 00:16:43.751
What is my own self-relationship?
00:16:43.751 --> 00:16:46.142
Where am I not being in full integrity with myself?
00:16:47.528 --> 00:16:53.254
Where do I need to be like,"Okay, baby, we're gonna get up, and this is what we need to do"?
00:16:53.860 --> 00:16:59.888
Or we're gonna face this particular discomfort, or we're gonna show up, and there might be an argument, or there might be a huge fallout.
00:16:59.888 --> 00:17:03.359
There might be, I don't know, like, real world, things, right?
00:17:03.359 --> 00:17:09.295
You might get fired from your job if you speak the truth, or you might get in some huge custody battle that you're afraid of with your ex or...
00:17:09.554 --> 00:17:09.813
Right?
00:17:09.815 --> 00:17:15.329
There could be real-life things that we feel trapped by, where we don't fully show up in what's true to us.
00:17:15.672 --> 00:17:18.489
I'm not saying this is easy, and I'm not telling anyone what to do.
00:17:19.281 --> 00:17:29.241
Every scenario is different, but the point here is, if we're experiencing resentment somewhere, can we find where we have not chosen our own self-empowerment in a self-loving way?
00:17:29.444 --> 00:17:31.699
Because what happens if we don't do that?
00:17:32.384 --> 00:17:38.355
What happens if we don't own that we are not really owning our power?
00:17:40.845 --> 00:17:46.494
The resentment will make us act from an unhealthy place.
00:17:47.359 --> 00:18:05.315
The way that we communicate is gonna be this seething, judgmental, heavy, sticky, spiky energy as we try to simply name a yes or a no.
00:18:06.612 --> 00:18:07.382
What is that?
00:18:07.566 --> 00:18:12.230
That's not a neutral yes or a no the way that if we're centered, we're able to just show up easefully.
00:18:12.693 --> 00:18:27.401
This is a yes or no that is laced with an inner unfinished power struggle So we need to get honest with ourselves Where, this is a tough question, okay?
00:18:27.448 --> 00:18:32.174
But if we can be courageous, this can really save us from misery.
00:18:32.589 --> 00:18:40.021
Where is it that I am actually gaining something from remaining victimized in some way?
00:18:42.067 --> 00:18:43.153
this is complicated.
00:18:43.244 --> 00:18:44.152
This is hard, okay?
00:18:44.153 --> 00:18:57.351
Because we fall into what I've called the distorted feminine at some point, especially females in a, a patriarchal world, at some point because things have happened that have forced us into that place.
00:18:57.365 --> 00:19:01.961
It could be conditioning from when we were young, it could be just cultural conditioning over time with all these little microaggressions.
00:19:01.979 --> 00:19:03.330
It could be huge violations.
00:19:03.703 --> 00:19:24.617
It could be some kind of, developmental steps that you just never were able to go through, or love and attunement and a secure attachment that you were never able to receive, uh, respect that didn't happen in your upbringing, et cetera, where maybe those skills and those capacities didn't even have time to, to establish themselves in the first place, right?
00:19:24.807 --> 00:19:31.222
Or there were events later on that ended up disempowering us, and then we were afraid to show, show up again and speak up again.
00:19:31.425 --> 00:19:31.686
Okay.
00:19:31.695 --> 00:19:52.276
All kinds of reasons we end up in this place, but now that we're in this place, we're still in this place even when life is revealing to us new experiences that actually can be safe now That's where we have the opportunity to heal.
00:19:52.464 --> 00:19:54.835
That's where we can show up in a new way.
00:19:55.308 --> 00:20:18.050
That is where we're trying to come out of the distorted feminine towards our center now,'cause we're like,"Hey, I think I can now emerge and start being who I truly am, and showing up in the world, and communicating in a healthier way, and honoring myself more by being honest about what I want and need." But then we start going through these traps'cause we're t- carrying the traumas of our past with us as we're attempting this, right?
00:20:18.095 --> 00:20:20.013
And right now we're talking about the trap of resentment.
00:20:20.346 --> 00:20:35.257
In order for us to get out of the victimization that this resentment creates, we need to get honest with ourselves about this question that I said is hard for us to face, which is, where is it convenient for me to stay victimized?
00:20:38.885 --> 00:20:40.605
Where is it convenient for me?
00:20:40.638 --> 00:20:46.153
Where am I, like I said before, what am I gaining by staying out of my power?
00:20:46.765 --> 00:20:51.881
We're revisiting this question Here's another way to look at it.
00:20:52.313 --> 00:20:58.037
What would I risk if I chose to truly stand as who I am?
00:21:01.760 --> 00:21:05.883
Notice that I'm not even talking about changing other people's lives.
00:21:06.022 --> 00:21:07.942
I'm not talking about invading anybody else.
00:21:08.946 --> 00:21:11.595
I'm not talking about forcing anybody else to agree with us.
00:21:12.202 --> 00:21:15.638
I'm not talking about forcing anybody else to do anything with us, right?
00:21:16.219 --> 00:21:25.577
But how can you show up for yourself and as yourself towards others, regardless of the fallout?
00:21:28.900 --> 00:21:51.894
Wherever there is a fear of doing that, whatever is that gap between where you are and where you would need to be in order to be fully embodied and show up with your bright, strong heart and your open eyes, seeing the world from who you truly are within outward, whatever that gap is, th- there is fear there.
00:21:51.900 --> 00:22:11.561
There is a risk of,"Oh my God, but then this might happen." So then we stay in the victim place out of convenience of hiding, but then we're annoyed about it because we're not fully living, we're not fully being honest with ourselves, we're not fully showing up and being able to offer ourselves to the chances that might be able to happen if we actually tried.
00:22:13.219 --> 00:22:17.471
And so we're losing, and we're annoyed about this.
00:22:18.988 --> 00:22:33.442
But as long as we keep blaming the outer world- For basically waiting for the outer world to become comfortable enough for us to be able to just shimmy our way into our center and be like,"Ta-da, I'm here, no problem," right?
00:22:33.578 --> 00:22:35.938
We're wanting the other person to do that legwork for us.
00:22:36.451 --> 00:22:46.461
Like, I- I'm just gonna wait here until everything else is okay, and then once everybody is gonna be nice to me, then I'm gonna come into my center and be able to relate happily, right?
00:22:46.617 --> 00:22:49.185
And I'm resenting the fact that that's not what's happening.
00:22:49.372 --> 00:22:53.145
I'm mad at you for not making the world safe enough for me to show up for myself.
00:22:53.989 --> 00:22:55.490
We can be stuck in this for a long time.
00:22:55.711 --> 00:23:03.411
Doesn't matter what's m- our value judgment about how shitty the world is or whether it's okay that the world is like this.
00:23:03.426 --> 00:23:04.604
There's nothing we can do about it.
00:23:05.239 --> 00:23:18.105
So if we're gonna sit here making assessments of, you know, we deserve for the person to be nice to us before we show up for ourselves, yeah, you do, but that's not what's happening.
00:23:18.378 --> 00:23:19.655
So what are you gonna do about it?
00:23:20.320 --> 00:23:31.794
You can sit there and resent the person who's unable to change for the rest of your life, or you can show up for yourself in self-respect and be able to speak from a place of self-love, not from a place of resentment towards them.
00:23:32.953 --> 00:23:34.080
Because look how interesting.
00:23:34.365 --> 00:23:40.914
We start kind of When we're in resentment, remember how I said we start acting in the masculine, distorted masculine way?
00:23:41.426 --> 00:23:48.515
Our resentment starts creating this feeling of entitlement that that, let's say, narcissistic archetype had, right?
00:23:49.528 --> 00:23:53.732
Resentment is basically like,"I feel entitled for you to act better.
00:23:54.761 --> 00:24:01.487
I expect that you should be acting better than you are, but you're not, so F you," right?
00:24:01.721 --> 00:24:06.489
There starts to be this putting all of the expectation on the other person, but why?
00:24:06.674 --> 00:24:09.332
Because you're putting all of the agency on the other person.
00:24:10.980 --> 00:24:16.354
Because you don't want your agency, you're staying in the victim stance'cause there's that inconvenience of choosing your power, remember?
00:24:16.354 --> 00:24:19.571
So you're hiding in the victim stance, but you want something to change.
00:24:19.723 --> 00:24:31.134
You're expecting the outer world to change first, but it's not, so you're resenting because now you have this expectation, you have this entitlement'cause you're like,"Well, this victim stance sucks.
00:24:31.142 --> 00:24:42.644
This, this, this way of relating is not correct." At least you've figured that out, that you deserve something better, but the mechanism through which you believe that change will occur is still outside of you, the way that you've placed it.
00:24:42.972 --> 00:24:49.597
Well, that's very convenient because if you think that the outside needs to change in order for things to get better, you never have to face your fear of going into your power.
00:24:49.806 --> 00:24:50.955
So that's the linchpin.
00:24:52.246 --> 00:24:53.513
That's what's keeping you stuck.
00:24:54.839 --> 00:25:05.738
And worst of all, by the way, when you stay stuck in this resentment, you are gonna try to speak up, but you're gonna speak up in a way that's triggering to other people because you're speaking up from a messy place.
00:25:05.738 --> 00:25:06.409
It's not clean.
00:25:06.920 --> 00:25:10.509
It's gonna come laced with all of those energies that I had talked about before.
00:25:11.114 --> 00:25:17.268
It's heavy, it's spiky, it's blamey, it's not clean.
00:25:18.227 --> 00:25:22.509
So the other person is not going to relate with you very well in response.
00:25:22.530 --> 00:25:23.821
They're probably gonna react too.
00:25:25.559 --> 00:25:29.942
They're gonna be reactive to you because you are already starting the conversation from a reactive place.
00:25:30.179 --> 00:25:35.277
But the problem is that you might be like,"I'm coming into my power.
00:25:35.682 --> 00:25:39.166
I'm finally standing up for what I deserve.
00:25:39.478 --> 00:25:42.117
I'm finally asking for what I want.
00:25:42.183 --> 00:25:44.720
I'm finally saying no," right?
00:25:45.105 --> 00:26:01.775
From a place that's, like, trying to get your power, but it's coming still from a victim, still blaming the outer world, still resentful, but now you're like,"I deserve to be heard."'Cause you're starting to sort of get part of this stuff, right?
00:26:01.794 --> 00:26:05.267
But it's laced with this unfinished business.
00:26:06.451 --> 00:26:17.300
And so you're showing up with this new entitlement of showing up, but from a place that it's actually all about putting the, the blame and the judgment onto other people.
00:26:17.484 --> 00:26:47.538
So it's gonna backfire because y- you're not gonna be met very well, and that can stay in this horrible loop for quite a while, where you keep showing up, trying, thinking that you're empowered, but everyone around you just thinks you're annoying because you are creating drama by basically bringing a whole fight into a conversation that could have been neutral I'm sorry if that sounds a little harsh.
00:26:47.596 --> 00:26:53.709
I'm just trying to make a point We all do this in some way, okay?
00:26:53.730 --> 00:27:05.317
This isn't like you're either perfect or you're terrible, and you're either doing these things or someone else who doesn't get it is doing these things to you, and you're totally innocent, and this is all about somebody else, okay?
00:27:05.631 --> 00:27:07.440
I'm not throwing anybody under the bus here.
00:27:07.786 --> 00:27:09.078
Nobody's black and white.
00:27:09.323 --> 00:27:11.250
We all have different aspects of this.
00:27:11.251 --> 00:27:12.990
We all have aspects of cleanliness.
00:27:12.991 --> 00:27:17.595
We all have aspects of still being messed up in what we are or are not capable of.
00:27:17.915 --> 00:27:19.104
The world is a difficult place.
00:27:19.104 --> 00:27:20.227
We've all been through trauma.
00:27:20.241 --> 00:27:21.589
We all have our wounds.
00:27:22.165 --> 00:27:27.553
This is simply a way for us to start realizing where our blind spots might be or where we might be stuck.
00:27:30.556 --> 00:27:31.845
So how do we get out of this?
00:27:33.827 --> 00:27:34.993
Step one is what?
00:27:35.397 --> 00:27:39.169
Our self-concept What are we to ourselves?
00:27:39.231 --> 00:27:40.971
Am I the victim or am I the creator?
00:27:42.942 --> 00:27:48.282
Am I worthy of simply naming what it is that I want?
00:27:48.686 --> 00:28:02.929
Or because I'm afraid that I'm being too much, I then need to overcompensate by convincing myself that what I'm saying is the most important thing in the world that must be met by everyone, right?
00:28:02.938 --> 00:28:19.217
You're going from disordered feminine to disordered masculine in order to cover up the fact that I still feel uncomfortable about showing up So if we were to summarize all of this, my whole point is simply where are you trapped?
00:28:20.913 --> 00:28:24.260
And we can all find both of these locations, okay?
00:28:24.263 --> 00:28:29.036
I wanna empower all of us to find where we're trapped everywhere.
00:28:29.568 --> 00:28:31.980
Where are you trapped in the distorted feminine side?
00:28:34.596 --> 00:28:37.248
And where are you trapped in the distorted masculine side?
00:28:39.234 --> 00:28:41.498
'Cause you can see how they create each other, right?
00:28:41.498 --> 00:28:46.582
They, they jump back and forth from one to the other, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.
00:28:47.718 --> 00:28:48.979
That's why they're separated.
00:28:48.993 --> 00:28:52.223
That's why feminine is to the left and masculine is to the right on the map.
00:28:53.479 --> 00:28:58.152
What happens when we're in our center, as I had said in the way beginning, the masculine and feminine come together.
00:28:58.164 --> 00:28:59.820
They're no longer in opposition to each other.
00:29:00.815 --> 00:29:11.253
You are both yielding and agentic You are able to receive others and you're able to bring yourself forth.
00:29:11.643 --> 00:29:15.107
That's what it is to be both in the healthy masculine and feminine centered.
00:29:17.988 --> 00:29:24.751
You are able to perceive your own value and inherent value, and you're able to perceive the other person's inherent value.
00:29:25.413 --> 00:29:31.191
You're able to perceive the naturalness of your own wants and needs and the naturalness of the other person's wants and needs.
00:29:32.375 --> 00:29:40.207
And you're able to perceive that sometimes the environment around you is gonna be able to make your wants and needs happen, and sometimes it's not.
00:29:40.865 --> 00:29:42.607
Same with those of the other person.
00:29:45.605 --> 00:29:49.877
Now, one more piece that I'll say is if we're afraid of conflict, we're gonna have an issue speaking up.
00:29:50.875 --> 00:29:53.791
I mentioned that, the people-pleasing, the avoidance of conflict.
00:29:55.635 --> 00:30:04.423
When we have an issue speaking up, when we try to speak up, which is great, we're getting there, we're getting there, we're on our way, but we can still hit a trap.
00:30:05.584 --> 00:30:19.180
The way that we speak up oftentimes is anticipating somebody else's rejection, anticipating somebody else's judgment, and thus we're gonna speak up in potentially an aggressive way.
00:30:21.060 --> 00:30:28.260
This may or may not be similar to the resentment example Why are we anticipating those things?
00:30:28.573 --> 00:30:34.963
It's not about the other person, even if maybe you're relating with someone who does tend to, to act that way.
00:30:34.978 --> 00:30:43.103
That can make things harder But the point here is to find out if you have a pattern with anyone that you speak with.
00:30:43.125 --> 00:30:43.349
Okay?
00:30:43.349 --> 00:31:01.148
This isn't just like,"Oh, I have an issue with this one person, and this is our dynamic." Right now you're looking at yourself to understand where do you have a pattern that shows up no matter who you're speaking with If you're going aggressive when you're trying to communicate your needs, you are overcompensating.
00:31:01.336 --> 00:31:02.619
Why are you overcompensating?
00:31:02.846 --> 00:31:04.355
Because you think others are gonna judge you.
00:31:04.507 --> 00:31:06.058
Why do you think others are gonna judge you?
00:31:06.420 --> 00:31:10.696
First of all, realistically, because at some point somebody did, but what was the impact of that?
00:31:10.884 --> 00:31:12.538
Now you're still judging yourself.
00:31:15.243 --> 00:31:41.015
This is why it all comes back to step one, self-concept, self-relationship So the number one thing that we're doing to heal, to get out of this victim stance, past the traps of resentment and aggression and into centeredness, getting out of the distorted feminine, past the traps of distorted masculine and into centeredness, what's the first step?
00:31:42.394 --> 00:31:50.682
Finding our power deep inside in our own inner relationship.
00:31:51.893 --> 00:31:55.242
The core of our power is our sense of worthiness.
00:31:58.170 --> 00:31:58.769
That's it.
00:32:00.959 --> 00:32:06.965
It requires courage because showing up in our power means we're gonna be seen.
00:32:08.510 --> 00:32:09.865
It means we're gonna take up space.
00:32:09.883 --> 00:32:11.181
It means we're actually gonna be here.
00:32:11.404 --> 00:32:12.854
It means we're actually gonna exist.
00:32:13.413 --> 00:32:15.315
It means we're, we're choosing to live life.
00:32:17.949 --> 00:32:18.737
This is huge.
00:32:20.412 --> 00:32:23.106
This is a yes to our own relationship with ourselves.
00:32:23.335 --> 00:32:27.017
This is a yes to our own embodiment, to our own relationship with our own body.
00:32:27.550 --> 00:32:33.285
This is a yes to our own relationship with our own life, and this is a yes to our own relationship with the world.
00:32:34.256 --> 00:32:39.133
Way bigger than a random conversation with someone that you know about something that you wanna ask them.
00:32:40.520 --> 00:32:42.326
This is the core of what's really happening.
00:32:43.083 --> 00:32:44.097
We gotta get with that.
00:32:44.431 --> 00:32:47.763
We gotta get with, what is my resistance to inhabiting my own body?
00:32:49.569 --> 00:32:52.736
What is my resistance to saying yes fully to my own life?
00:32:55.612 --> 00:33:00.471
What is my resistance to living in this sometimes very difficult world that we live in?
00:33:03.366 --> 00:33:04.993
And where can I find a yes to that?
00:33:05.259 --> 00:33:18.390
Where can I find a yes to myself being in my own place, inhabiting my place fully, and saying yes to my life as it is, owning it as it is, and being my own best cheerleader?
00:33:20.233 --> 00:33:32.903
Not in reactivity to the world, not in reactivity to my life, not in reactivity to my past that's continuing to present itself in all of my future experiences'cause I keep projecting it onto whoever I now meet.
00:33:34.452 --> 00:33:38.038
But where can I come into a, a yes to myself?
00:33:38.835 --> 00:33:41.036
Where can I come into an agreement with myself?
00:33:42.025 --> 00:33:51.412
Where can I be my own number one person who loves myself, accepts myself, and values myself?
00:33:52.813 --> 00:33:56.578
In that relationship, then we're talking about finding our worthiness again.
00:33:56.907 --> 00:34:03.628
Then we have this inherent deservingness, not in an entitled way, but in an from the inside out kind of way.
00:34:04.625 --> 00:34:07.067
And then I'm just speaking from matter of fact.
00:34:07.083 --> 00:34:07.755
Here I am.
00:34:07.862 --> 00:34:08.465
This is me.
00:34:08.900 --> 00:34:10.289
This is what I'm into, this is what I'm not.
00:34:10.331 --> 00:34:11.175
This is what I want.
00:34:11.452 --> 00:34:12.284
I hope it can happen.
00:34:12.909 --> 00:34:15.896
By the way, this is what I really need, so if it doesn't happen, I'm gonna have to leave.
00:34:17.307 --> 00:34:20.237
And oh, that's definitely not okay with me.
00:34:20.237 --> 00:34:22.650
I need to let you know now,'cause that's a hard boundary for me.
00:34:23.545 --> 00:34:25.744
I need to show up for myself, so I'm just letting you know.
00:34:27.561 --> 00:34:28.344
What did I just say?
00:34:28.355 --> 00:34:33.193
Those are examples of yeses and nos from a centered place, from a self-love place.
00:34:33.641 --> 00:34:35.579
All of that is about my relationship with myself.
00:34:35.581 --> 00:34:36.702
It's not about the other person.
00:34:37.610 --> 00:34:38.358
It's not about them.
00:34:40.490 --> 00:34:59.400
The victim is so invaded by the other person and is so used to the world revolving around the other person and is so used to having to manage the other person in order to try to protect themselves that when they try to get out of the victim stance, the resentment and the aggression is all about the other person.
00:34:59.630 --> 00:35:08.570
It's all about anticipating that the other person is gonna reject them, the other person's not gonna understand, so I need to show up for a fight, and I'm already resenting the fact the other person is probably not gonna let me be in my power.
00:35:08.570 --> 00:35:09.556
It's all about the other person.
00:35:09.916 --> 00:35:10.889
It's all about the outer world.
00:35:10.900 --> 00:35:18.528
Forget about that Your true capacity to be in your own boundaries, to be in your own yes and no, it has nothing to do with anybody else.
00:35:18.768 --> 00:35:19.693
It has to do with yourself.
00:35:21.394 --> 00:35:22.713
So this is complicated, right?
00:35:22.730 --> 00:35:26.695
Because where are we giving ourselves an excuse?
00:35:27.668 --> 00:35:42.983
Where are we not doing our inner homework in our own presence with ourselves, our own friendship with ourselves And in the gap, in the place where we're not doing that, we're putting the homework out into the world.
00:35:42.983 --> 00:35:44.940
Like,"Oh, this person better understand me better.
00:35:44.940 --> 00:35:46.822
This person better know how to receive me better.
00:35:46.827 --> 00:35:53.677
This person better know how to anticipate my needs better." We're putting the homework on them'cause we're not wanting to do our own inner homework.
00:35:54.414 --> 00:35:58.226
Again, disclaimer, this doesn't mean that we live in a fair world.
00:35:58.367 --> 00:36:00.963
This doesn't mean that we actually are being treated okay by other people.
00:36:00.963 --> 00:36:01.938
It doesn't mean any of that.
00:36:02.172 --> 00:36:14.271
I understand that there are a lot of unhealthy relationships that might simply need a goodbye in order to be able to, uh, ha- experience self-love and self-protection.
00:36:15.166 --> 00:36:21.414
I'm not saying that you're the problem, that everybody else is perfect, and if you just accepted your own self-love, then your life would be perfect.
00:36:21.427 --> 00:36:22.380
I'm not saying any of that.
00:36:24.028 --> 00:36:32.333
What I am saying is your own boundaries, your own no is all about your relationship with yourself rather than someone else's relationship with you.
00:36:34.010 --> 00:36:36.387
This is where you actually regain your own sense of power.
00:36:36.840 --> 00:36:39.126
It's like,"Hey, this is who I am.
00:36:40.574 --> 00:36:41.804
I fully accept who I am.
00:36:42.753 --> 00:36:44.994
This is what I'm capable of, and this is what I'm not.
00:36:46.282 --> 00:36:48.980
And so this is what I need when I'm relating with people.
00:36:49.507 --> 00:36:56.893
This is what I need in order to be safe and to feel respected and to be able to show up from a grounded, centered, open-hearted way in order to relate.
00:36:57.500 --> 00:37:02.708
What I need is to be treated like this or like that, and what I need is for this to not happen.
00:37:03.829 --> 00:37:15.664
I need for you to know that doing this or acting this particular way is not okay with me, and I'm just letting you know what I show up with in terms of the conditions that I need in order to be able to relate in a healthy way.
00:37:15.849 --> 00:37:18.344
If you're not able to do that, i'm gonna leave.
00:37:20.434 --> 00:37:28.211
First, I can simply be honest and clear, transparent about my requests, give you a chance to change, of course.
00:37:28.244 --> 00:37:31.398
It's not like there's a zero tolerance policy here.
00:37:32.719 --> 00:37:42.110
But the point is, we are not staying in a situation that's bad for us and resenting the other person for not being malleable enough to become what we want them to become.
00:37:42.242 --> 00:37:43.632
We're being honest about what is.
00:37:43.726 --> 00:37:45.079
I'm showing up fully in the world.
00:37:45.353 --> 00:37:46.856
Sometimes I will need to argue.
00:37:47.041 --> 00:37:48.465
Sometimes I'm gonna need to fight.
00:37:48.684 --> 00:37:50.371
Sometimes I'm gonna need to walk away.
00:37:51.175 --> 00:37:52.411
Depends on the situation.
00:37:54.121 --> 00:37:54.880
But I'm here.
00:37:55.398 --> 00:38:05.931
I'm standing up for myself, not in a resentful way, not in an overly aggressive way, not in a blamey way, but standing up for myself in the sense that I stay standing.
00:38:06.342 --> 00:38:08.333
I stay standing in my center.
00:38:08.438 --> 00:38:26.708
I don't fall over into the power under, and I don't throw myself into your world g- combative in a, in a power over way I am simply acknowledging what reality is for me.
00:38:27.076 --> 00:38:28.768
I'm communicating the step two, right?
00:38:28.768 --> 00:38:35.467
I'm communicating my own inner world, that step one experience, my own self-relationship.
00:38:36.286 --> 00:38:43.175
I have done the inner work to understand my own self-relationship, what's true for me, what I actually need in order to function in a healthy way.
00:38:44.268 --> 00:38:45.827
That's my own inner self-dialogue.
00:38:45.827 --> 00:38:47.242
That's my own inner contemplation.
00:38:47.786 --> 00:38:57.942
And because I have now understood myself, and I value myself, and I accept myself as I am, and I know that it's okay to be how I am, I don't have to be perfect.
00:38:58.226 --> 00:38:59.012
I can be messy.
00:38:59.012 --> 00:39:01.643
I can have my own limits, and I can respect that.
00:39:01.643 --> 00:39:03.626
I can respect where I have my weak spots.
00:39:03.628 --> 00:39:25.514
I can respect where I have my traumas, and I can respect that those areas need to be respected by me holding certain boundaries in order to maybe have a little bit more protective space around stuff that I'm, I'm not ready to fully have the world touch in every which way Every person's boundaries are unique to them.
00:39:26.481 --> 00:39:29.782
There's no like, this is okay and this is not okay.
00:39:29.840 --> 00:39:36.436
There are obviously general things that every human tends to want and not want, obviously.
00:39:37.139 --> 00:39:38.778
But people's boundaries are unique to them.
00:39:38.791 --> 00:39:44.027
What's okay with one person is not gonna be okay with somebody else, because we each come with different strengths and weaknesses.
00:39:44.028 --> 00:39:51.945
We each come with different pasts, and thus different needs So what are our takeaways here?
00:39:51.945 --> 00:39:58.713
Number one Where are you avoiding your own power and blaming someone else or something else instead?
00:40:00.833 --> 00:40:08.985
What are you afraid of inside of yourself and your own self-experience, or how your life might change if you were to actually choose your power?
00:40:11.996 --> 00:40:14.293
Your power meaning your own deservingness.
00:40:15.838 --> 00:40:22.900
Not from a power struggle place, but from a place of acceptance of what's simply true for you, of what it is that you need.
00:40:23.601 --> 00:40:24.782
Simply what's true for you.
00:40:25.706 --> 00:40:31.088
Again, the more you deny it, the more you're gonna fight in a way that is unclean about it.
00:40:31.485 --> 00:40:32.949
So it's just about accepting it.
00:40:32.963 --> 00:40:34.431
What is it that you actually want and need?
00:40:36.050 --> 00:40:45.061
And how can you find all the places that you're still judging that you want and need that, you're shaming yourself for wanting and needing that, and instead you just come into a place of acceptance.
00:40:45.079 --> 00:40:58.862
Yeah, this is how I am, and because of how I am, because of my strengths and weaknesses, because of my past, because of the life that I wanna lead, because of simply my makeup, because of simply my personality, whatever it is, this is what I want and need.
00:40:59.659 --> 00:41:00.534
No judgment about it.
00:41:01.621 --> 00:41:08.786
Find where you're judging it,'cause if you don't, you're gonna project that judgment onto other people, and you're gonna be kind of annoying about it when you try to communicate about it.
00:41:08.943 --> 00:41:23.342
So just do the inner work first Where do I want to accept being a victim'cause it's more convenient and then blame other people and resent the fact that I'm there because I'm actually gaining something from it?
00:41:23.396 --> 00:41:25.704
That's the question that we keep needing to come back to.
00:41:27.152 --> 00:41:28.039
We're just owning that.
00:41:28.123 --> 00:41:29.824
Where is it convenient for me to hide?
00:41:32.351 --> 00:41:36.605
And of course, to motivate ourselves, what can I truly gain when I own myself fully?
00:41:36.923 --> 00:41:44.001
When I take up my own space When I simply accept who I am.
00:41:44.626 --> 00:41:50.211
I was gonna say claim who I am, but that can also kind of become sort of a fight energy, which is not the point here.
00:41:50.510 --> 00:41:52.164
But there is a strength to it.
00:41:53.371 --> 00:41:56.913
True strength has no aggression to it, but it's extremely powerful.
00:41:58.195 --> 00:42:01.664
To be clear, the victim side has no power.
00:42:02.541 --> 00:42:05.375
The perpetrator side has a false power.
00:42:05.789 --> 00:42:09.447
It's aggression, either emotionally or through behavior.
00:42:09.983 --> 00:42:11.744
True power is life force.
00:42:11.791 --> 00:42:12.996
It's neither of those two things.
00:42:13.007 --> 00:42:13.740
It's life force.
00:42:13.744 --> 00:42:15.197
It's, it's when you're in your center.
00:42:15.197 --> 00:42:27.416
That's why I'm calling it the central channel, which includes your groundedness, your embodiment, your self-love, your heart, your inner alignment what is centeredness, the soul is in the body.
00:42:28.315 --> 00:42:45.813
If you wanna look at that particular concept in more detail, I have a three-part series episodes seven, eight, and nine, called Trauma and Resilience that goes very deep around finding your power by claiming your body and your incarnation.
00:42:47.003 --> 00:43:02.827
If you are looking to find both theory as well as practical ways to consider how do I choose embodiment, how do I find self-love, how do I really do the movements that I've spoken about in this episode, I highly recommend those episodes.
00:43:04.282 --> 00:43:05.585
Okay, so that's it for today.
00:43:05.621 --> 00:43:10.559
Any comments, you can always go into the show notes, and at the way bottom there's a place to write me that you can click on.
00:43:11.543 --> 00:43:12.648
I hope this was helpful.
00:43:12.659 --> 00:43:16.081
Please go ahead and send this to anyone that you think would be able to benefit.
00:43:16.581 --> 00:43:17.072
Blessings.
00:43:17.074 --> 00:43:24.943
Take care thank you for being with me in The Ground of Love.
00:43:25.818 --> 00:43:33.900
You can follow this podcast to receive the next episodes, and who is it that comes to mind to share this episode with?
00:43:34.121 --> 00:43:40.494
Please go ahead and pass this along to them and go ahead and leave a review or a rating if you wish.
00:43:40.655 --> 00:43:41.554
I thank you for that.
00:43:42.346 --> 00:43:47.271
For one-on-one healing sessions and a group membership.
00:43:47.940 --> 00:43:52.800
you can go to www.thegroundoflove.com Blessings to you.
00:43:53.340 --> 00:43:57.360
May you be protected, held, regenerated centered.
00:43:57.840 --> 00:44:11.675
And taken forward with all light, love, truth and highest and best health and wellbeing on all levels and taken forward to make the greatest, most beautiful impact doing exactly what you're here to do.
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God bless you.
00:44:15.065 --> 00:44:18.005
Protection, grace, protection, grace.
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So it is.
