WEBVTT
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Those hard plastic cases.
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Oh, maddening.
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I will and I will say this.
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I want to meet the person who made this product case.
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I want to see them.
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And I want to talk to them about it.
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Welcome to another episode of Smells Like Humans.
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This is the podcast where we explore the curious things that people do, very human things that grab our attention and cause us to wonder what and why.
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I'm Ross, your host, and my guest today is a therapist and a hero to Small Dogs Everywhere.
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It's Tracy.
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Hi!
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Oh small dogs.
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Yeah, you like them.
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I do, I have one.
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She's fantastic.
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And welcome everyone.
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It's been a couple of years since we have recorded some new podcasts, and we're glad to come back to you again.
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And today's topic is is there something wrong with me if it takes very little to get me raging?
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You know, we know, Tracy, that being a person in the world right now it can be difficult, frustrating, and you know, there's all the reasons for that, any reasons and all the reasons.
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For a few of us, though, even the smallest of frustrations can send us into a blind rage.
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Yeah.
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And I gotta tell you, yeah, I'm one of those people.
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I'm an unfortunate soul when it comes to rage.
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I've always been a rager since I was a little kid.
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Yeah.
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I was an angry child.
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There's pictures of me smiling, but they've been photoshopped.
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No, but I I it's really interesting because I don't rage in real life, but when I'm in a car, I feel enormous amounts of rage.
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But it's worse than that because that's pretty that's pretty common.
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Sure.
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I will yell at inanimate objects in my house.
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Oh, yeah.
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Like a computer.
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Sure.
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You know, sure.
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Furniture.
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Yeah.
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Why not?
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Remote controls.
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Well, for sure.
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Robot chat agents.
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I will scream at them.
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Yeah.
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And it's funny.
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Sometimes I'll even laugh at myself because it's so funny.
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But it's also embarrassing.
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It's one of my biggest flaws.
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And I try to do this privately.
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Yeah.
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Every once in a while I'll forget there might be someone in the house.
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Oh.
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Because somebody's around, I won't do it.
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Sure.
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I just internalize it.
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Sure.
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You know, save it for later.
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That's super healthy too.
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I know, I know.
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We're gonna push it down deep.
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Just push it down.
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I'm really good at that.
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It was uh my best survival mechanism as a kid.
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Just push it down.
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Push it down, it's fine.
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Just suck it up.
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The house is on fire.
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Don't pretend nothing's wrong.
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Eat your dinner and shut up.
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Lay close to the floor and finish your sandwich.
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I know when I look around the world right now, I know I'm not alone.
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No.
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I've seen lots of rage out there.
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Yeah.
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So I have to ask: is there something wrong with me if it doesn't take much to get me raging?
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You know, I mean, it's not going to surprise you that I'm going to be like wrong, no.
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But interesting, yes.
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It's very interesting.
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Very interesting.
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I mean, rage and anger are, you know, we talk about them being secondary emotions, and that underneath them is usually pain.
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Yeah.
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And rage, anger, like they're they're drivers.
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They make us think that we could change something.
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There's something we could do.
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They're a driving emotion, whereas pain, grief, sadness, rejection, like those are just you just have to sit with those.
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And we humans are not so good at the surrendering.
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What does that mean?
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Surrendering.
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So the idea, you know, Buddhism talks about there's the pain and the suffering, and that pain comes our way and there's nothing we can do about it, right?
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Like stuff happens.
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Right.
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People die, people reject us, people do things, horrible things happen in the world, that there's nothing we can do.
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Somebody cuts you off in the traffic.
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Yeah.
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Right?
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Like that's painful.
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Things happen.
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Right.
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Is there anything we can do about that?
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Our suffering is our the effort we put into making that thing try to make it different.
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That we have some power over it.
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Right.
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So rage, anger, all of that is is an effort to try and control something that's outside of our control.
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Okay.
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And so is there something wrong with us?
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No.
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That we have anger, that we have rage, that we want to make something different than it is?
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Absolutely not.
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And it tells us that we're still learning about what to do with those uncomfortable emotions.
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And for some of us, you know, anger comes out and rage comes out.
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I mean, I have the same stuff, right?
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And there's, you know, sometimes you're like, oh, I don't want to stand in line at the DMV.
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This should be different.
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Yeah, I mean, for me, if I'm in a long line, let's say it's for coffee.
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Sure.
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And I'm watching someone do that thing where they're at the card reader trying to pay, and they're doing that thing where they're looking at their card and then they're looking at their card and they can't make the machine.
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They're looking and then they're point pushing buttons.
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And it's like, look, you are not ready to be out yet.
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No.
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You have not had adequate training.
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You should not be pulling out a card.
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Yes.
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You know, write a check.
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Yes.
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Count out the pennies, but don't stand there looking like you just landed here on a spacecraft.
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So here's what's so interesting about that.
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Yeah.
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You can't hurt those people as much as you want to.
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I know, as much as you want to.
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And I want I want to hurt them also.
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It's wrong.
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Okay.
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I feel very stabby with those kinds of people.
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There are people who are stabby and there are also people who are punchy, but go on.
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Whatever your version, mine is stabby.
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Stabby, but the stabby and punchy, but the someone's kicky.
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You know, there's all kinds of cartoon that we just invented.
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It's the stabby show.
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Len and Snippy.
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Okay, go on.
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So there's this book called Running on Empty that talks about the experience of childhood emotional neglect.
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Yeah.
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And that when we've been given messages about who we're allowed to be in the world, and then it's inside us.
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Right.
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Then when we're standing in that line and that person is allowed to behave that way, they're not supposed to be able to do that.
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It's a burden to others.
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They're being a burden to others.
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They're getting in the way.
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They're taking too much space and too much time.
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They shouldn't be able to do that because we weren't allowed to do that as children.
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Why why do people who are manifestly needy irritate me so much?
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Oh, well.
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And then it's Hello childhood.
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And it sounds like what you just said is like I wasn't allowed to be like that.
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Right.
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Well, same.
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I wasn't allowed to be like that either.
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And so they bother me.
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Yeah.
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They bother me a lot.
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Yeah.
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And if anyone shows up like my mom did in some ways, that is like, you know, taking from me or trying to control me or being confused in the world, or or being needy or weak in my estimation.
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Right.
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That irritates the living daylight.
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So when that happens, when that happens to someone when you're like, what you're online and you're watching someone like they've been standing online for 10 minutes and they get up there and now they want to know everything in the in the everything.
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You were supposed to plan that already.
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What were you doing?
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What were you doing all this time?
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Wait in a coma.
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Hey there, Dad.
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Right?
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When you find yourself doing that, how can you it seems like for me it's a runaway train?
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How do you interrupt it?
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I mean, I in an ideal world, right?
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We have some more awareness and humor.
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One of my favorite lines for myself and when I'm working with clients is what if this was funny?
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Right?
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And I don't mean minimize it or dismiss it, but I mean like if I was watching this on a Netflix show, would I be laughing because it's so relatable?
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Yes.
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Right.
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What if this was funny?
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What if this wasn't like so?
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It's it's that like, I know where this comes from.
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And the more awareness we get of where this comes from, do I always catch this?
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No.
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Right.
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Like I myself sometimes stand, I'm like, oh, it's so like, and I'm like, oh, oh wow, I'm mad about that.
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That is really, I don't, I'm not having capacity today to not be ragy and stabby about that.
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That's so irritating.
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I'm like, oh wow.
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I don't allow myself to be a burden on others very much.
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I really judge myself for that.
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Sure am judging that person up there for being a burden on all of us.
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That extra two minutes they're taking is really gonna ruin everyone's day.
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It's not.
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Yeah.
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Right.
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So taking yourself on that into at the journey inside your head can reduce some of the tension.
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You can still feel it, but you get to be like, oh, I see it.
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And the other one I do, like, I really like parts work.
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So parts work, some people it can also be called internal family systems work, which is by a guy named Richard Schwartz.
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But other people have done this over time, but he marketed it a certain way that's that's helpful.
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And it's the idea that we have all these parts in us.
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There's all these parts of us that get developed over time, and they continue to develop over time.
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And I think of them all being at a boardroom table.
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And my most evolved self is the chairperson of the board.
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And that salty teenager who, or that little kid who, right, it's usually a salty teenager who gets really rageful and mad.
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She is running the meeting, right?
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She's running that meeting in line.
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Right.
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And she's not really qualified to run that meeting.
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Right.
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But what she does need is my empathy.
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Like, oh, I understand why you're upset about that.
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That makes a lot of sense.
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I see why, yeah, mom would never have allowed you to be that burdensome.
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Dad, are you kidding me?
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Dad would never have allowed you to be that burdensome to anyone else.
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There would have been a lot of emotional punishment.
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There's always the scared, vulnerable child, there's always the salty teenager, there's some kind of safety person, right?
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And all of these parts, and you can start identifying what they are.
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And you can be as complex or as simple about it as you want to.
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If you look it up and it has a complex framework, that can be useful.
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Or you can just think about it, like I mentioned before, around being like a boardroom table.
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And all these parts of us are there.
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So if it's the salty teenager, you know, I want to be like, yes, I see you.
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Hey, here's a snack and a soda.
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Hang on, watch.
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I've got this.
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If it's the child, the scared child, then it's like, hey, honey, here's a snack and a blanket.
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Yeah.
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I see you.
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I've got it.
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Watch, I'm an adult.
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You can actually trust in the room.
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And they're like, I don't know about that.
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You're like, look, we've actually grown into the adult.
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We can trust in the room.
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That's really interesting.
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Yeah.
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So that parts work piece, ideally, we're not doing that when we're in line.
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We've done that work prior to getting in line, like in our life regularly, we're like having awareness about that when we're not like on stage in line.
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Yeah.
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You know, that we've done the reps beforehand and that we can catch it.
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And when we feel it coming, we're like, oh, I know that feel oh, hey there, salty teenager.
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But does it come from childhood emotional neglect, it comes from the messaging we were given around what feelings we're allowed to have.
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We're certainly not allowed to be needy or confused or take up someone's time or not have planned ahead of time.
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So for my road rage, I've tried this strategy.
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Yeah.
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Well, I don't know what you think about it.
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Instead of going out on the road expecting things to go well, I say, I wonder if today's the day where on this trip from A to B, will I see five weird things?
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Yeah.
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I think that's a good thing.
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I hope I do.
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I think that's I want today to be the record.
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And so when someone cuts me off, like there's one, driving really, really slow, and then when they get to the light, and then it starts turning, then they floor it and leaving me sucking on a red light.
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Yeah.
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Or the person who in a long line of cars sees some goob come up from a parking lot.
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It's like, oh, I gotta let them in and be nice.
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And there's dirty cars behind me who want to kill me right now.
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Okay.
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Right.
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So instead of being really mad about that, I say, Oh, good, there's another one.
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Yes.
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And then sometimes I'll even say, and if I get to five, then I get one million dollars.
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I think that's great.
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Here's here's what I hear you doing in there.
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That's something I recommend for others and think of for myself.
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So when I think of there's just these neural pathway superhighways in our brain, right?
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I think of them as like the super smooth eight-lane highway that, you know, when this when this switch gets flipped, we hop on that highway, right?
00:13:42.799 --> 00:13:44.399
And we're off to Ragetown.
00:13:45.039 --> 00:13:52.000
And what I think of that you just did was you slowed things down and said, Hey, there's an off ramp here.
00:13:52.639 --> 00:14:00.480
And I'm gonna anticipate uh ahead of time and be like, oh, actually, we're not gonna get on the six-lane highway, we're gonna take this off ramp.
00:14:00.720 --> 00:14:00.960
Okay.
00:14:01.200 --> 00:14:09.039
So you you anticipated that you were like, hey, the exit's coming up, let's let's go there instead of staying and going straight.
00:14:09.600 --> 00:14:14.480
You you played with your own uh brain science, which is brilliant.
00:14:15.679 --> 00:14:24.480
And then I think, right, the more we practice that, when we do it just on the fly, we have a hard time not just staying on this super highway.
00:14:24.559 --> 00:14:24.639
Right.
00:14:25.039 --> 00:14:32.799
But when you plan ahead for it, it's kind of like being like, let's make sure we look for exit 14 when we're still at exit one, right?
00:14:32.879 --> 00:14:34.799
Let's keep an eye out for that, right?
00:14:34.960 --> 00:14:38.480
Because we're gonna go there instead of this other place we usually go.
00:14:39.039 --> 00:14:43.039
So you made it conscious instead of unconscious.
00:14:43.279 --> 00:14:43.600
Yeah.
00:14:43.840 --> 00:14:44.720
That's interesting.
00:14:44.879 --> 00:14:48.399
It it doesn't always work well.
00:14:48.559 --> 00:14:53.600
It always works when I make that clear before I start driving.
00:14:53.840 --> 00:14:54.320
Yes.
00:14:54.559 --> 00:14:59.440
I can't I don't think of it if I haven't if I'm in the middle of it, it's too late.
00:14:59.600 --> 00:15:00.639
I have to plan to do it.
00:15:00.879 --> 00:15:01.440
Yes.
00:15:01.679 --> 00:15:27.200
Another thing that that I've heard people advise that I've actually used in different contexts, but I want to know what you think about it, is to, without having anything else, no interventions, no reps, but to have this one thought is that when you feel the rage coming, yeah, to s in your inside in your head, you say, Wow, I noticed that I'm feeling angry as hell right now.
00:15:27.440 --> 00:15:27.919
Yep.
00:15:28.240 --> 00:15:34.240
You just made it conscious versus unconscious, and now you're witnessing yourself and you're being curious about it.
00:15:34.399 --> 00:15:34.720
Right.
00:15:34.879 --> 00:15:36.399
You're labeling it, right?
00:15:36.559 --> 00:15:37.679
You're allowing it.
00:15:37.919 --> 00:15:38.240
Yeah.
00:15:38.799 --> 00:15:42.000
And you know, you're not telling yourself you can't have it.
00:15:42.240 --> 00:15:42.720
Right.
00:15:43.039 --> 00:15:44.320
That changes things.
00:15:44.639 --> 00:15:44.960
Okay.
00:15:45.200 --> 00:15:50.960
Another one, I I know this person who said this one time, and for me it was sort of eye-opening.
00:15:51.200 --> 00:15:55.440
When when someone it's always someone else is pissing me off.
00:15:55.919 --> 00:15:56.399
Of course.
00:15:56.639 --> 00:16:02.480
So when someone is just acting in a way that I find just completely annoying, yeah.
00:16:02.639 --> 00:16:20.080
You know, they're being petulant, they're being selfish, they're being rude, whatever they're doing, yeah, or whatever I perceive them doing, if you think of them as they have are struggling so much, they can't even do their day.
00:16:20.320 --> 00:16:20.480
Yeah.
00:16:20.720 --> 00:16:28.480
They can't even be out in public without just melting down or creating issues or being angry.
00:16:29.440 --> 00:16:36.879
And when they said that, I go, oh yeah, because it's this expectation that people are going to be perfect like me.
00:16:37.200 --> 00:16:37.279
Right.
00:16:37.519 --> 00:16:43.120
They're gonna handle their business like me, right, and they're not handling their business, and that makes me so mad.
00:16:43.440 --> 00:16:46.320
But to look at them as, hey, they must be really selfish.
00:16:46.639 --> 00:16:47.039
Empathy.
00:16:47.200 --> 00:16:48.080
You're using empathy.
00:16:48.320 --> 00:16:49.679
Okay, that's what it is.
00:16:50.000 --> 00:16:50.960
That's called empathy.
00:16:51.200 --> 00:16:52.799
Yeah, you're tapping into empathy.
00:16:52.879 --> 00:17:04.480
And the other thing you're doing there is going back to that idea of you know, the family stuff that was passed down, like you're being rude, you're being petulant, you're being these selfish, you're being the you're not allowed to do that.
00:17:04.640 --> 00:17:04.880
Right.
00:17:05.039 --> 00:17:06.799
So those people aren't allowed to do that.
00:17:07.039 --> 00:17:07.279
Right.
00:17:07.440 --> 00:17:11.839
You just gave yourself and them permission to actually do that.
00:17:12.160 --> 00:17:12.799
Right.
00:17:13.200 --> 00:17:13.599
Yeah.
00:17:13.920 --> 00:17:17.519
And you had empathy for someone doing that like you needed as a kid.
00:17:17.839 --> 00:17:19.680
Oh, that's really powerful.
00:17:20.000 --> 00:17:22.160
You're gonna make me cry right now.
00:17:22.480 --> 00:17:24.559
But I'm gonna do it on the inside.
00:17:24.960 --> 00:17:25.599
That's what I do.
00:17:26.799 --> 00:17:28.319
I'm gonna keep it all on the inside.
00:17:28.559 --> 00:17:41.119
So, some psychologists, you've heard of these people, they say that this low tolerance for frustration, these rage reactions can have genetic or physiological causes.
00:17:41.359 --> 00:17:47.039
Some children are born more irritable, touchy, touchy, and easily angered.
00:17:47.920 --> 00:17:50.160
So those are the brats, I guess.
00:17:51.200 --> 00:17:53.359
Or the kids with sensory processing difficulties.
00:17:53.599 --> 00:17:53.920
Right.
00:17:54.079 --> 00:17:57.279
And these signs are present from a very early age.
00:17:57.599 --> 00:17:58.480
It can be, yeah.
00:17:58.720 --> 00:18:01.839
Anger is often regarded as a negative.
00:18:02.799 --> 00:18:05.279
We're taught that we're supposed to suck it up.
00:18:05.839 --> 00:18:09.440
We never learn how to handle it constructively.
00:18:09.680 --> 00:18:26.480
And then some research says that people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, dysfunctional, and they, as a consequence, are not skilled at emotional communication.
00:18:26.799 --> 00:18:28.799
Oh, well, I think a lot of that can be true.
00:18:28.960 --> 00:18:35.759
I mean, I think, you know, when we look at temperament of kids, you know, there are babies that are harder to soothe than others.
00:18:36.000 --> 00:18:36.319
Right.
00:18:36.480 --> 00:18:49.119
And then those parents who are trying to soothe those babies feel less successful and more frustrated with their parenting, which then interrupts those babies' ability to soothe more, right?
00:18:49.200 --> 00:18:50.799
And all of that goes on.
00:18:51.119 --> 00:18:51.440
Right.
00:18:51.599 --> 00:18:53.920
And sometimes that's for all kinds of reasons.
00:18:54.079 --> 00:19:02.400
Those babies have medical stuff going on that hasn't been identified, or they have sensory processing issues that make it harder for them to soothe.
00:19:02.480 --> 00:19:03.680
There's all kinds of those things.
00:19:03.759 --> 00:19:07.759
And then that gets a story that gets told about them that that's their temperament.
00:19:08.000 --> 00:19:08.319
Right.
00:19:08.480 --> 00:19:14.960
And then a lot of times parents just aren't very skilled at understanding emotion coaching for kids.
00:19:15.119 --> 00:19:21.759
And so then they're frustrated, and then they never got that, and then they have their own messaging around children aren't supposed to act this way because I wasn't allowed to act this way.
00:19:21.839 --> 00:19:23.680
So I need to make my child not act this way.
00:19:23.839 --> 00:19:24.160
Right.
00:19:24.319 --> 00:19:24.559
Right.
00:19:24.640 --> 00:19:25.759
There's all of that.
00:19:26.000 --> 00:19:31.680
And then anger is modeled, and kids aren't given tools for managing it.
00:19:31.920 --> 00:19:43.440
Also, you know, the movie Inside Out, like we put the comfortable emotions up on a pedestal, and we say the uncomfortable emotions are bad.
00:19:43.680 --> 00:19:44.000
Right.
00:19:44.160 --> 00:19:46.480
Whereas they're all just emotions.
00:19:46.720 --> 00:19:47.039
Yeah.
00:19:47.519 --> 00:19:58.079
And so, of course, we feel angry and we feel jealous and we feel rejected and we feel all envy and we feel all those things, just like we feel joy and happiness.
00:19:58.160 --> 00:20:02.880
And so then we give all kinds of messages around we're not allowed to have those feelings.
00:20:03.119 --> 00:20:16.240
And then there are families where it is chaotic, and people have impulse control issues or substance abuse issues or entitlement that has them control others and there's domestic abuse going on.
00:20:16.319 --> 00:20:21.039
Like there's all kinds of those things, and then those kids aren't given those tools.
00:20:21.359 --> 00:20:25.839
Society also models not great things around emotions.
00:20:26.240 --> 00:20:29.839
And we're still there, like we haven't made that, we're still dealing with the same stuff.
00:20:30.160 --> 00:20:38.319
Even modern parents today who are trying very hard to be great parents and give their kids a great life.
00:20:38.640 --> 00:20:51.920
But the problem, I think, is the pendulum has swung so far that what I say to parents a lot is one of our biggest jobs as parents is to help children learn to tolerate discomfort.
00:20:52.240 --> 00:20:52.880
Yeah.
00:20:53.200 --> 00:20:54.480
And we don't.
00:20:54.720 --> 00:21:17.680
We try and soothe them so much, we try and make them happy, we try and like we don't, oh, we don't want them crying, we don't want them unhappy, we don't them want them anxious, we don't want them all these things, as opposed to let me give them tools for tolerating these things and working through them and understanding them so that when they feel angry, they get to do what you've been practicing.
00:21:17.759 --> 00:21:20.480
Like, oh, yeah, I'm pretty angry right now.
00:21:20.880 --> 00:21:22.640
Oh, let me be curious about that.
00:21:22.799 --> 00:21:24.079
Where's that coming from?
00:21:24.240 --> 00:21:25.119
What does that mean?
00:21:25.279 --> 00:21:26.559
What am I trying to control?
00:21:26.880 --> 00:21:30.720
Oh man, look at me trying to, oh yeah, that's from my dad.
00:21:30.960 --> 00:21:35.119
And now I'm passing that on to the guy in front of me in the coffee line.
00:21:35.279 --> 00:21:36.799
Oh, what if that was funny?
00:21:37.039 --> 00:21:38.000
Look at me, right?
00:21:38.079 --> 00:21:44.799
Like having that internal dialogue to be curious about our own emotions as opposed to judging them.
00:21:45.200 --> 00:21:49.839
Almost as soon as I notice what I'm doing, whether I yeah, I laugh at myself.
00:21:50.079 --> 00:21:57.680
Because sometimes at least half the time, the thing that makes me mad and rage out will also make me laugh.
00:21:57.920 --> 00:21:58.319
Yes.
00:21:58.559 --> 00:22:02.319
It just depends on how which switch I throw, you know?
00:22:02.720 --> 00:22:05.599
It's like which which button gets pressed today.
00:22:05.680 --> 00:22:06.400
And is it the fun?
00:22:06.640 --> 00:22:15.599
And just, you know, I will drop a glass in my house by myself, shatters all over the floor, and my reaction is right.
00:22:15.839 --> 00:22:18.319
Guess I'm not drinking that glas out of that glass.
00:22:18.480 --> 00:22:18.799
Right.
00:22:19.039 --> 00:22:20.000
And it's funny.
00:22:20.160 --> 00:22:20.640
Yes.
00:22:20.880 --> 00:22:28.240
And then that same thing can happen, and I can yell at all the shards of the glass like they're all of my dysfunctional children.
00:22:28.480 --> 00:22:28.880
Right.
00:22:29.119 --> 00:22:40.079
So, so, but it it's like what I like about this is that just noticing what's going on gives you a chance, a fighting chance.
00:22:40.240 --> 00:22:40.559
A chance.
00:22:41.359 --> 00:22:42.240
It slows things down.
00:22:42.799 --> 00:22:44.480
Stop that volcano.
00:22:44.720 --> 00:22:45.119
Yeah.
00:22:45.279 --> 00:22:47.839
Because it in my case, it really is.
00:22:48.559 --> 00:22:51.680
It goes there so fast and it's so comical.
00:22:51.759 --> 00:22:52.319
It's silly.
00:22:52.640 --> 00:22:53.039
It yeah.
00:22:53.279 --> 00:22:57.680
It reminds you said, you know, like we would watch it on a show and it would be funny.
00:22:57.759 --> 00:23:01.200
And there was a show Curb Your Enthusiasm by Larry David.
00:23:01.279 --> 00:23:12.000
And there's one scene that I just thought was so funny and accurate for me, where he's trying to open a hard, he's trying to get something out of one of those hard plastic cases.
00:23:12.319 --> 00:23:12.640
Yes.
00:23:12.799 --> 00:23:20.720
And he's stabbing it with a chef's knife, and he's screaming, ah, you know, and it's just so ridiculous.
00:23:20.799 --> 00:23:26.319
The behavior's so ridiculous and funny, but it was also like, I could have acted as so relatable.
00:23:26.559 --> 00:23:29.279
Oh, this those hard plastic cases.
00:23:29.519 --> 00:23:30.480
Oh, maddening.
00:23:30.720 --> 00:23:32.160
I will, and I will say this.
00:23:32.319 --> 00:23:36.880
I want to meet the person who made this product case.
00:23:37.119 --> 00:23:38.559
I want to see them.
00:23:39.839 --> 00:23:41.920
And I want to talk to them about it.
00:23:42.160 --> 00:23:44.000
And I'm just like, what is happening?
00:23:44.079 --> 00:23:44.880
It's so silly.
00:23:45.279 --> 00:23:47.839
Well, this has been very helpful.
00:23:48.000 --> 00:23:49.759
I appreciate the free therapy.
00:23:49.839 --> 00:23:56.799
Plus, I think it is relatable to so many people, especially right now where everyone seems to be on their last nerve.
00:23:56.880 --> 00:24:05.440
So thanks, Tracy, very much for being here and bringing your considered wisdom and experience to this age-old question.
00:24:05.759 --> 00:24:07.680
And thank you, everyone, for listening.
00:24:07.839 --> 00:24:10.319
Please contact us via email.
00:24:10.559 --> 00:24:12.160
The email is in the show notes.
00:24:12.960 --> 00:24:14.400
Find us on Instagram.
00:24:14.640 --> 00:24:16.400
We love hearing from you.
00:24:17.039 --> 00:24:22.720
And we hope you will tune in to another episode.
00:24:23.200 --> 00:24:38.000
Because whether you're cruising down the neural super highway or just watching another episode of Stabby versus Punchy, it's important to remember that we all smell like humans.
00:24:38.160 --> 00:24:39.200
Goodbye, everybody.
00:24:39.440 --> 00:24:40.079
Bye.
00:24:40.400 --> 00:24:44.640
Whether you are cruising down the neural superhighway.
00:24:44.720 --> 00:24:45.599
No, that's not what you said.
00:24:45.680 --> 00:24:47.039
Neural pathway superhighway.
00:24:48.079 --> 00:24:51.359
Is it the neural pathway superhighway or just neural superhighway?
00:24:51.519 --> 00:24:52.720
You can choose either one.
00:24:54.640 --> 00:24:54.960
And
00:00:00.239 --> 00:00:01.679
Those hard plastic cases.
00:00:01.840 --> 00:00:02.799
Oh, maddening.
00:00:03.040 --> 00:00:04.480
I will and I will say this.
00:00:04.639 --> 00:00:09.279
I want to meet the person who made this product case.
00:00:09.439 --> 00:00:10.880
I want to see them.
00:00:12.160 --> 00:00:14.640
And I want to talk to them about it.
00:00:15.039 --> 00:00:18.719
Welcome to another episode of Smells Like Humans.
00:00:18.879 --> 00:00:29.760
This is the podcast where we explore the curious things that people do, very human things that grab our attention and cause us to wonder what and why.
00:00:30.000 --> 00:00:38.320
I'm Ross, your host, and my guest today is a therapist and a hero to Small Dogs Everywhere.
00:00:38.399 --> 00:00:39.280
It's Tracy.
00:00:39.600 --> 00:00:39.920
Hi!
00:00:40.560 --> 00:00:41.600
Oh small dogs.
00:00:42.000 --> 00:00:42.799
Yeah, you like them.
00:00:43.119 --> 00:00:44.000
I do, I have one.
00:00:44.079 --> 00:00:45.679
She's fantastic.
00:00:46.240 --> 00:00:47.840
And welcome everyone.
00:00:47.920 --> 00:00:53.359
It's been a couple of years since we have recorded some new podcasts, and we're glad to come back to you again.
00:00:53.520 --> 00:01:02.880
And today's topic is is there something wrong with me if it takes very little to get me raging?
00:01:04.799 --> 00:01:15.519
You know, we know, Tracy, that being a person in the world right now it can be difficult, frustrating, and you know, there's all the reasons for that, any reasons and all the reasons.
00:01:15.760 --> 00:01:23.760
For a few of us, though, even the smallest of frustrations can send us into a blind rage.
00:01:24.000 --> 00:01:24.319
Yeah.
00:01:24.560 --> 00:01:27.359
And I gotta tell you, yeah, I'm one of those people.
00:01:28.159 --> 00:01:30.959
I'm an unfortunate soul when it comes to rage.
00:01:31.040 --> 00:01:33.680
I've always been a rager since I was a little kid.
00:01:33.760 --> 00:01:34.400
Yeah.
00:01:34.719 --> 00:01:36.799
I was an angry child.
00:01:37.280 --> 00:01:41.200
There's pictures of me smiling, but they've been photoshopped.
00:01:41.439 --> 00:01:51.040
No, but I I it's really interesting because I don't rage in real life, but when I'm in a car, I feel enormous amounts of rage.
00:01:51.200 --> 00:01:54.000
But it's worse than that because that's pretty that's pretty common.
00:01:54.239 --> 00:01:54.480
Sure.
00:01:54.719 --> 00:01:57.680
I will yell at inanimate objects in my house.
00:01:57.840 --> 00:01:58.159
Oh, yeah.
00:01:58.400 --> 00:01:59.280
Like a computer.
00:01:59.439 --> 00:01:59.840
Sure.
00:02:00.079 --> 00:02:00.959
You know, sure.
00:02:01.200 --> 00:02:01.760
Furniture.
00:02:02.000 --> 00:02:02.239
Yeah.
00:02:02.319 --> 00:02:02.879
Why not?
00:02:03.120 --> 00:02:04.319
Remote controls.
00:02:04.640 --> 00:02:05.359
Well, for sure.
00:02:05.680 --> 00:02:07.040
Robot chat agents.
00:02:07.200 --> 00:02:09.599
I will scream at them.
00:02:09.759 --> 00:02:10.240
Yeah.
00:02:10.560 --> 00:02:11.599
And it's funny.
00:02:11.680 --> 00:02:14.879
Sometimes I'll even laugh at myself because it's so funny.
00:02:15.120 --> 00:02:16.639
But it's also embarrassing.
00:02:16.800 --> 00:02:18.000
It's one of my biggest flaws.
00:02:18.080 --> 00:02:19.520
And I try to do this privately.
00:02:19.680 --> 00:02:20.240
Yeah.
00:02:20.479 --> 00:02:24.240
Every once in a while I'll forget there might be someone in the house.
00:02:24.400 --> 00:02:24.560
Oh.
00:02:24.960 --> 00:02:26.639
Because somebody's around, I won't do it.
00:02:26.800 --> 00:02:27.120
Sure.
00:02:27.360 --> 00:02:28.879
I just internalize it.
00:02:29.039 --> 00:02:29.360
Sure.
00:02:29.520 --> 00:02:30.800
You know, save it for later.
00:02:30.960 --> 00:02:32.000
That's super healthy too.
00:02:32.240 --> 00:02:33.360
I know, I know.
00:02:33.599 --> 00:02:35.039
We're gonna push it down deep.
00:02:35.520 --> 00:02:36.159
Just push it down.
00:02:36.240 --> 00:02:37.199
I'm really good at that.
00:02:37.360 --> 00:02:40.080
It was uh my best survival mechanism as a kid.
00:02:40.159 --> 00:02:40.560
Just push it down.
00:02:41.120 --> 00:02:41.919
Push it down, it's fine.
00:02:42.080 --> 00:02:42.800
Just suck it up.
00:02:42.960 --> 00:02:43.840
The house is on fire.
00:02:44.000 --> 00:02:45.680
Don't pretend nothing's wrong.
00:02:46.319 --> 00:02:48.080
Eat your dinner and shut up.
00:02:49.439 --> 00:02:52.400
Lay close to the floor and finish your sandwich.
00:02:52.960 --> 00:02:56.319
I know when I look around the world right now, I know I'm not alone.
00:02:56.479 --> 00:02:56.639
No.
00:02:56.879 --> 00:02:58.080
I've seen lots of rage out there.
00:02:58.240 --> 00:02:58.800
Yeah.
00:02:59.039 --> 00:03:04.719
So I have to ask: is there something wrong with me if it doesn't take much to get me raging?
00:03:05.199 --> 00:03:09.039
You know, I mean, it's not going to surprise you that I'm going to be like wrong, no.
00:03:09.280 --> 00:03:10.560
But interesting, yes.
00:03:10.879 --> 00:03:11.759
It's very interesting.
00:03:12.000 --> 00:03:12.560
Very interesting.
00:03:12.719 --> 00:03:20.639
I mean, rage and anger are, you know, we talk about them being secondary emotions, and that underneath them is usually pain.
00:03:20.879 --> 00:03:21.120
Yeah.
00:03:21.360 --> 00:03:25.360
And rage, anger, like they're they're drivers.
00:03:25.520 --> 00:03:27.759
They make us think that we could change something.
00:03:27.919 --> 00:03:28.960
There's something we could do.
00:03:29.039 --> 00:03:38.879
They're a driving emotion, whereas pain, grief, sadness, rejection, like those are just you just have to sit with those.
00:03:38.960 --> 00:03:44.080
And we humans are not so good at the surrendering.
00:03:45.039 --> 00:03:45.680
What does that mean?
00:03:45.840 --> 00:03:46.319
Surrendering.
00:03:46.719 --> 00:03:56.319
So the idea, you know, Buddhism talks about there's the pain and the suffering, and that pain comes our way and there's nothing we can do about it, right?
00:03:56.400 --> 00:03:57.360
Like stuff happens.
00:03:57.520 --> 00:03:57.759
Right.
00:03:58.000 --> 00:04:03.919
People die, people reject us, people do things, horrible things happen in the world, that there's nothing we can do.
00:04:04.080 --> 00:04:06.560
Somebody cuts you off in the traffic.
00:04:06.639 --> 00:04:06.800
Yeah.
00:04:07.039 --> 00:04:07.199
Right?
00:04:07.360 --> 00:04:08.400
Like that's painful.
00:04:08.639 --> 00:04:09.199
Things happen.
00:04:09.360 --> 00:04:09.520
Right.
00:04:09.680 --> 00:04:10.960
Is there anything we can do about that?
00:04:11.120 --> 00:04:18.399
Our suffering is our the effort we put into making that thing try to make it different.
00:04:18.639 --> 00:04:20.160
That we have some power over it.
00:04:20.399 --> 00:04:20.800
Right.
00:04:21.360 --> 00:04:28.720
So rage, anger, all of that is is an effort to try and control something that's outside of our control.
00:04:29.759 --> 00:04:30.079
Okay.
00:04:30.399 --> 00:04:32.879
And so is there something wrong with us?
00:04:33.120 --> 00:04:33.360
No.
00:04:33.920 --> 00:04:38.079
That we have anger, that we have rage, that we want to make something different than it is?
00:04:38.319 --> 00:04:39.360
Absolutely not.
00:04:39.680 --> 00:04:48.240
And it tells us that we're still learning about what to do with those uncomfortable emotions.
00:04:48.319 --> 00:04:56.160
And for some of us, you know, anger comes out and rage comes out.
00:04:56.240 --> 00:04:59.360
I mean, I have the same stuff, right?
00:04:59.519 --> 00:05:05.199
And there's, you know, sometimes you're like, oh, I don't want to stand in line at the DMV.
00:05:05.279 --> 00:05:06.879
This should be different.
00:05:07.600 --> 00:05:13.759
Yeah, I mean, for me, if I'm in a long line, let's say it's for coffee.
00:05:14.079 --> 00:05:14.560
Sure.
00:05:15.680 --> 00:05:28.079
And I'm watching someone do that thing where they're at the card reader trying to pay, and they're doing that thing where they're looking at their card and then they're looking at their card and they can't make the machine.
00:05:28.160 --> 00:05:30.560
They're looking and then they're point pushing buttons.
00:05:30.800 --> 00:05:33.519
And it's like, look, you are not ready to be out yet.
00:05:33.680 --> 00:05:34.000
No.
00:05:34.240 --> 00:05:36.000
You have not had adequate training.
00:05:36.160 --> 00:05:37.920
You should not be pulling out a card.
00:05:38.000 --> 00:05:38.319
Yes.
00:05:38.560 --> 00:05:39.680
You know, write a check.
00:05:39.839 --> 00:05:40.079
Yes.
00:05:40.319 --> 00:05:45.680
Count out the pennies, but don't stand there looking like you just landed here on a spacecraft.
00:05:46.079 --> 00:05:48.240
So here's what's so interesting about that.
00:05:48.480 --> 00:05:48.879
Yeah.
00:05:49.680 --> 00:05:51.199
You can't hurt those people as much as you want to.
00:05:51.360 --> 00:05:52.399
I know, as much as you want to.
00:05:52.560 --> 00:05:54.160
And I want I want to hurt them also.
00:05:54.480 --> 00:05:54.800
It's wrong.
00:05:54.879 --> 00:05:54.959
Okay.
00:05:55.439 --> 00:05:57.839
I feel very stabby with those kinds of people.
00:05:58.480 --> 00:06:02.160
There are people who are stabby and there are also people who are punchy, but go on.
00:06:02.639 --> 00:06:04.399
Whatever your version, mine is stabby.
00:06:04.639 --> 00:06:07.839
Stabby, but the stabby and punchy, but the someone's kicky.
00:06:08.079 --> 00:06:10.639
You know, there's all kinds of cartoon that we just invented.
00:06:10.959 --> 00:06:11.680
It's the stabby show.
00:06:13.199 --> 00:06:14.000
Len and Snippy.
00:06:14.079 --> 00:06:14.480
Okay, go on.
00:06:14.959 --> 00:06:21.120
So there's this book called Running on Empty that talks about the experience of childhood emotional neglect.
00:06:21.279 --> 00:06:21.600
Yeah.
00:06:22.240 --> 00:06:31.839
And that when we've been given messages about who we're allowed to be in the world, and then it's inside us.
00:06:32.000 --> 00:06:32.160
Right.
00:06:32.399 --> 00:06:40.720
Then when we're standing in that line and that person is allowed to behave that way, they're not supposed to be able to do that.
00:06:41.439 --> 00:06:42.800
It's a burden to others.
00:06:43.040 --> 00:06:44.560
They're being a burden to others.
00:06:44.720 --> 00:06:45.759
They're getting in the way.
00:06:45.839 --> 00:06:48.000
They're taking too much space and too much time.
00:06:48.319 --> 00:06:52.879
They shouldn't be able to do that because we weren't allowed to do that as children.
00:06:53.839 --> 00:06:59.120
Why why do people who are manifestly needy irritate me so much?
00:06:59.439 --> 00:07:00.240
Oh, well.
00:07:00.959 --> 00:07:02.800
And then it's Hello childhood.
00:07:03.120 --> 00:07:08.160
And it sounds like what you just said is like I wasn't allowed to be like that.
00:07:08.480 --> 00:07:08.879
Right.
00:07:09.120 --> 00:07:10.319
Well, same.
00:07:10.560 --> 00:07:13.199
I wasn't allowed to be like that either.
00:07:13.439 --> 00:07:14.959
And so they bother me.
00:07:15.199 --> 00:07:15.519
Yeah.
00:07:15.759 --> 00:07:16.959
They bother me a lot.
00:07:17.120 --> 00:07:17.439
Yeah.
00:07:17.680 --> 00:07:34.800
And if anyone shows up like my mom did in some ways, that is like, you know, taking from me or trying to control me or being confused in the world, or or being needy or weak in my estimation.
00:07:35.040 --> 00:07:35.439
Right.
00:07:35.600 --> 00:07:37.759
That irritates the living daylight.
00:07:38.319 --> 00:07:53.199
So when that happens, when that happens to someone when you're like, what you're online and you're watching someone like they've been standing online for 10 minutes and they get up there and now they want to know everything in the in the everything.
00:07:53.759 --> 00:07:55.360
You were supposed to plan that already.
00:07:55.759 --> 00:07:56.879
What were you doing?
00:07:57.199 --> 00:07:59.279
What were you doing all this time?
00:07:59.759 --> 00:08:01.439
Wait in a coma.
00:08:01.759 --> 00:08:03.040
Hey there, Dad.
00:08:06.480 --> 00:08:06.879
Right?
00:08:07.199 --> 00:08:13.519
When you find yourself doing that, how can you it seems like for me it's a runaway train?
00:08:13.600 --> 00:08:14.639
How do you interrupt it?
00:08:14.959 --> 00:08:17.680
I mean, I in an ideal world, right?
00:08:18.000 --> 00:08:22.240
We have some more awareness and humor.
00:08:22.720 --> 00:08:28.240
One of my favorite lines for myself and when I'm working with clients is what if this was funny?
00:08:29.199 --> 00:08:29.439
Right?
00:08:29.600 --> 00:08:38.559
And I don't mean minimize it or dismiss it, but I mean like if I was watching this on a Netflix show, would I be laughing because it's so relatable?
00:08:38.799 --> 00:08:39.120
Yes.
00:08:39.840 --> 00:08:40.159
Right.
00:08:40.320 --> 00:08:41.759
What if this was funny?
00:08:42.000 --> 00:08:44.240
What if this wasn't like so?
00:08:44.320 --> 00:08:47.120
It's it's that like, I know where this comes from.
00:08:47.200 --> 00:08:50.799
And the more awareness we get of where this comes from, do I always catch this?
00:08:51.039 --> 00:08:51.360
No.
00:08:51.600 --> 00:08:51.840
Right.
00:08:52.000 --> 00:08:59.279
Like I myself sometimes stand, I'm like, oh, it's so like, and I'm like, oh, oh wow, I'm mad about that.
00:08:59.600 --> 00:09:06.240
That is really, I don't, I'm not having capacity today to not be ragy and stabby about that.
00:09:06.320 --> 00:09:07.440
That's so irritating.
00:09:07.600 --> 00:09:09.200
I'm like, oh wow.
00:09:09.679 --> 00:09:13.600
I don't allow myself to be a burden on others very much.
00:09:13.840 --> 00:09:15.600
I really judge myself for that.
00:09:15.759 --> 00:09:20.320
Sure am judging that person up there for being a burden on all of us.
00:09:20.559 --> 00:09:25.519
That extra two minutes they're taking is really gonna ruin everyone's day.
00:09:25.600 --> 00:09:26.159
It's not.
00:09:26.399 --> 00:09:26.799
Yeah.
00:09:26.960 --> 00:09:27.120
Right.
00:09:27.519 --> 00:09:34.000
So taking yourself on that into at the journey inside your head can reduce some of the tension.
00:09:34.399 --> 00:09:37.360
You can still feel it, but you get to be like, oh, I see it.
00:09:37.519 --> 00:09:40.559
And the other one I do, like, I really like parts work.
00:09:40.799 --> 00:09:47.039
So parts work, some people it can also be called internal family systems work, which is by a guy named Richard Schwartz.
00:09:47.200 --> 00:09:51.840
But other people have done this over time, but he marketed it a certain way that's that's helpful.
00:09:52.159 --> 00:09:55.440
And it's the idea that we have all these parts in us.
00:09:55.679 --> 00:10:00.240
There's all these parts of us that get developed over time, and they continue to develop over time.
00:10:00.320 --> 00:10:02.799
And I think of them all being at a boardroom table.
00:10:02.960 --> 00:10:06.720
And my most evolved self is the chairperson of the board.
00:10:07.120 --> 00:10:15.679
And that salty teenager who, or that little kid who, right, it's usually a salty teenager who gets really rageful and mad.
00:10:16.320 --> 00:10:19.039
She is running the meeting, right?
00:10:19.120 --> 00:10:20.720
She's running that meeting in line.
00:10:20.879 --> 00:10:21.120
Right.
00:10:21.360 --> 00:10:24.480
And she's not really qualified to run that meeting.
00:10:24.639 --> 00:10:24.879
Right.
00:10:25.039 --> 00:10:27.200
But what she does need is my empathy.
00:10:27.360 --> 00:10:30.080
Like, oh, I understand why you're upset about that.
00:10:30.240 --> 00:10:31.440
That makes a lot of sense.
00:10:31.600 --> 00:10:35.919
I see why, yeah, mom would never have allowed you to be that burdensome.
00:10:36.000 --> 00:10:37.039
Dad, are you kidding me?
00:10:37.200 --> 00:10:40.159
Dad would never have allowed you to be that burdensome to anyone else.
00:10:40.240 --> 00:10:43.679
There would have been a lot of emotional punishment.
00:10:43.919 --> 00:10:51.039
There's always the scared, vulnerable child, there's always the salty teenager, there's some kind of safety person, right?
00:10:51.519 --> 00:10:55.200
And all of these parts, and you can start identifying what they are.
00:10:55.279 --> 00:10:57.840
And you can be as complex or as simple about it as you want to.
00:10:57.919 --> 00:11:01.360
If you look it up and it has a complex framework, that can be useful.
00:11:01.679 --> 00:11:06.879
Or you can just think about it, like I mentioned before, around being like a boardroom table.
00:11:07.039 --> 00:11:09.120
And all these parts of us are there.
00:11:09.360 --> 00:11:13.360
So if it's the salty teenager, you know, I want to be like, yes, I see you.
00:11:13.519 --> 00:11:15.919
Hey, here's a snack and a soda.
00:11:16.240 --> 00:11:17.279
Hang on, watch.
00:11:17.360 --> 00:11:18.240
I've got this.
00:11:18.399 --> 00:11:24.320
If it's the child, the scared child, then it's like, hey, honey, here's a snack and a blanket.
00:11:24.480 --> 00:11:24.799
Yeah.
00:11:24.960 --> 00:11:25.679
I see you.
00:11:25.840 --> 00:11:26.559
I've got it.
00:11:26.799 --> 00:11:27.840
Watch, I'm an adult.
00:11:27.919 --> 00:11:29.120
You can actually trust in the room.
00:11:29.200 --> 00:11:30.480
And they're like, I don't know about that.
00:11:30.639 --> 00:11:32.480
You're like, look, we've actually grown into the adult.
00:11:32.559 --> 00:11:33.279
We can trust in the room.
00:11:33.759 --> 00:11:34.639
That's really interesting.
00:11:34.879 --> 00:11:35.120
Yeah.
00:11:35.519 --> 00:11:40.799
So that parts work piece, ideally, we're not doing that when we're in line.
00:11:41.039 --> 00:11:50.559
We've done that work prior to getting in line, like in our life regularly, we're like having awareness about that when we're not like on stage in line.
00:11:50.720 --> 00:11:51.279
Yeah.
00:11:51.519 --> 00:11:55.200
You know, that we've done the reps beforehand and that we can catch it.
00:11:55.279 --> 00:11:59.279
And when we feel it coming, we're like, oh, I know that feel oh, hey there, salty teenager.
00:11:59.519 --> 00:12:06.799
But does it come from childhood emotional neglect, it comes from the messaging we were given around what feelings we're allowed to have.
00:12:07.039 --> 00:12:15.200
We're certainly not allowed to be needy or confused or take up someone's time or not have planned ahead of time.
00:12:15.840 --> 00:12:19.200
So for my road rage, I've tried this strategy.
00:12:19.440 --> 00:12:19.600
Yeah.
00:12:19.759 --> 00:12:21.440
Well, I don't know what you think about it.
00:12:21.759 --> 00:12:38.159
Instead of going out on the road expecting things to go well, I say, I wonder if today's the day where on this trip from A to B, will I see five weird things?
00:12:38.399 --> 00:12:38.879
Yeah.
00:12:39.120 --> 00:12:39.919
I think that's a good thing.
00:12:40.080 --> 00:12:41.039
I hope I do.
00:12:41.360 --> 00:12:43.919
I think that's I want today to be the record.
00:12:44.080 --> 00:12:56.799
And so when someone cuts me off, like there's one, driving really, really slow, and then when they get to the light, and then it starts turning, then they floor it and leaving me sucking on a red light.
00:12:57.039 --> 00:12:57.600
Yeah.
00:12:57.840 --> 00:13:04.320
Or the person who in a long line of cars sees some goob come up from a parking lot.
00:13:04.399 --> 00:13:06.720
It's like, oh, I gotta let them in and be nice.
00:13:06.879 --> 00:13:09.360
And there's dirty cars behind me who want to kill me right now.
00:13:09.519 --> 00:13:09.600
Okay.
00:13:09.759 --> 00:13:09.919
Right.
00:13:10.159 --> 00:13:13.600
So instead of being really mad about that, I say, Oh, good, there's another one.
00:13:13.759 --> 00:13:14.159
Yes.
00:13:14.399 --> 00:13:20.960
And then sometimes I'll even say, and if I get to five, then I get one million dollars.
00:13:21.279 --> 00:13:22.000
I think that's great.
00:13:22.159 --> 00:13:24.080
Here's here's what I hear you doing in there.
00:13:24.159 --> 00:13:27.200
That's something I recommend for others and think of for myself.
00:13:27.440 --> 00:13:33.840
So when I think of there's just these neural pathway superhighways in our brain, right?
00:13:34.000 --> 00:13:42.720
I think of them as like the super smooth eight-lane highway that, you know, when this when this switch gets flipped, we hop on that highway, right?
00:13:42.799 --> 00:13:44.399
And we're off to Ragetown.
00:13:45.039 --> 00:13:52.000
And what I think of that you just did was you slowed things down and said, Hey, there's an off ramp here.
00:13:52.639 --> 00:14:00.480
And I'm gonna anticipate uh ahead of time and be like, oh, actually, we're not gonna get on the six-lane highway, we're gonna take this off ramp.
00:14:00.720 --> 00:14:00.960
Okay.
00:14:01.200 --> 00:14:09.039
So you you anticipated that you were like, hey, the exit's coming up, let's let's go there instead of staying and going straight.
00:14:09.600 --> 00:14:14.480
You you played with your own uh brain science, which is brilliant.
00:14:15.679 --> 00:14:24.480
And then I think, right, the more we practice that, when we do it just on the fly, we have a hard time not just staying on this super highway.
00:14:24.559 --> 00:14:24.639
Right.
00:14:25.039 --> 00:14:32.799
But when you plan ahead for it, it's kind of like being like, let's make sure we look for exit 14 when we're still at exit one, right?
00:14:32.879 --> 00:14:34.799
Let's keep an eye out for that, right?
00:14:34.960 --> 00:14:38.480
Because we're gonna go there instead of this other place we usually go.
00:14:39.039 --> 00:14:43.039
So you made it conscious instead of unconscious.
00:14:43.279 --> 00:14:43.600
Yeah.
00:14:43.840 --> 00:14:44.720
That's interesting.
00:14:44.879 --> 00:14:48.399
It it doesn't always work well.
00:14:48.559 --> 00:14:53.600
It always works when I make that clear before I start driving.
00:14:53.840 --> 00:14:54.320
Yes.
00:14:54.559 --> 00:14:59.440
I can't I don't think of it if I haven't if I'm in the middle of it, it's too late.
00:14:59.600 --> 00:15:00.639
I have to plan to do it.
00:15:00.879 --> 00:15:01.440
Yes.
00:15:01.679 --> 00:15:27.200
Another thing that that I've heard people advise that I've actually used in different contexts, but I want to know what you think about it, is to, without having anything else, no interventions, no reps, but to have this one thought is that when you feel the rage coming, yeah, to s in your inside in your head, you say, Wow, I noticed that I'm feeling angry as hell right now.
00:15:27.440 --> 00:15:27.919
Yep.
00:15:28.240 --> 00:15:34.240
You just made it conscious versus unconscious, and now you're witnessing yourself and you're being curious about it.
00:15:34.399 --> 00:15:34.720
Right.
00:15:34.879 --> 00:15:36.399
You're labeling it, right?
00:15:36.559 --> 00:15:37.679
You're allowing it.
00:15:37.919 --> 00:15:38.240
Yeah.
00:15:38.799 --> 00:15:42.000
And you know, you're not telling yourself you can't have it.
00:15:42.240 --> 00:15:42.720
Right.
00:15:43.039 --> 00:15:44.320
That changes things.
00:15:44.639 --> 00:15:44.960
Okay.
00:15:45.200 --> 00:15:50.960
Another one, I I know this person who said this one time, and for me it was sort of eye-opening.
00:15:51.200 --> 00:15:55.440
When when someone it's always someone else is pissing me off.
00:15:55.919 --> 00:15:56.399
Of course.
00:15:56.639 --> 00:16:02.480
So when someone is just acting in a way that I find just completely annoying, yeah.
00:16:02.639 --> 00:16:20.080
You know, they're being petulant, they're being selfish, they're being rude, whatever they're doing, yeah, or whatever I perceive them doing, if you think of them as they have are struggling so much, they can't even do their day.
00:16:20.320 --> 00:16:20.480
Yeah.
00:16:20.720 --> 00:16:28.480
They can't even be out in public without just melting down or creating issues or being angry.
00:16:29.440 --> 00:16:36.879
And when they said that, I go, oh yeah, because it's this expectation that people are going to be perfect like me.
00:16:37.200 --> 00:16:37.279
Right.
00:16:37.519 --> 00:16:43.120
They're gonna handle their business like me, right, and they're not handling their business, and that makes me so mad.
00:16:43.440 --> 00:16:46.320
But to look at them as, hey, they must be really selfish.
00:16:46.639 --> 00:16:47.039
Empathy.
00:16:47.200 --> 00:16:48.080
You're using empathy.
00:16:48.320 --> 00:16:49.679
Okay, that's what it is.
00:16:50.000 --> 00:16:50.960
That's called empathy.
00:16:51.200 --> 00:16:52.799
Yeah, you're tapping into empathy.
00:16:52.879 --> 00:17:04.480
And the other thing you're doing there is going back to that idea of you know, the family stuff that was passed down, like you're being rude, you're being petulant, you're being these selfish, you're being the you're not allowed to do that.
00:17:04.640 --> 00:17:04.880
Right.
00:17:05.039 --> 00:17:06.799
So those people aren't allowed to do that.
00:17:07.039 --> 00:17:07.279
Right.
00:17:07.440 --> 00:17:11.839
You just gave yourself and them permission to actually do that.
00:17:12.160 --> 00:17:12.799
Right.
00:17:13.200 --> 00:17:13.599
Yeah.
00:17:13.920 --> 00:17:17.519
And you had empathy for someone doing that like you needed as a kid.
00:17:17.839 --> 00:17:19.680
Oh, that's really powerful.
00:17:20.000 --> 00:17:22.160
You're gonna make me cry right now.
00:17:22.480 --> 00:17:24.559
But I'm gonna do it on the inside.
00:17:24.960 --> 00:17:25.599
That's what I do.
00:17:26.799 --> 00:17:28.319
I'm gonna keep it all on the inside.
00:17:28.559 --> 00:17:41.119
So, some psychologists, you've heard of these people, they say that this low tolerance for frustration, these rage reactions can have genetic or physiological causes.
00:17:41.359 --> 00:17:47.039
Some children are born more irritable, touchy, touchy, and easily angered.
00:17:47.920 --> 00:17:50.160
So those are the brats, I guess.
00:17:51.200 --> 00:17:53.359
Or the kids with sensory processing difficulties.
00:17:53.599 --> 00:17:53.920
Right.
00:17:54.079 --> 00:17:57.279
And these signs are present from a very early age.
00:17:57.599 --> 00:17:58.480
It can be, yeah.
00:17:58.720 --> 00:18:01.839
Anger is often regarded as a negative.
00:18:02.799 --> 00:18:05.279
We're taught that we're supposed to suck it up.
00:18:05.839 --> 00:18:09.440
We never learn how to handle it constructively.
00:18:09.680 --> 00:18:26.480
And then some research says that people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, dysfunctional, and they, as a consequence, are not skilled at emotional communication.
00:18:26.799 --> 00:18:28.799
Oh, well, I think a lot of that can be true.
00:18:28.960 --> 00:18:35.759
I mean, I think, you know, when we look at temperament of kids, you know, there are babies that are harder to soothe than others.
00:18:36.000 --> 00:18:36.319
Right.
00:18:36.480 --> 00:18:49.119
And then those parents who are trying to soothe those babies feel less successful and more frustrated with their parenting, which then interrupts those babies' ability to soothe more, right?
00:18:49.200 --> 00:18:50.799
And all of that goes on.
00:18:51.119 --> 00:18:51.440
Right.
00:18:51.599 --> 00:18:53.920
And sometimes that's for all kinds of reasons.
00:18:54.079 --> 00:19:02.400
Those babies have medical stuff going on that hasn't been identified, or they have sensory processing issues that make it harder for them to soothe.
00:19:02.480 --> 00:19:03.680
There's all kinds of those things.
00:19:03.759 --> 00:19:07.759
And then that gets a story that gets told about them that that's their temperament.
00:19:08.000 --> 00:19:08.319
Right.
00:19:08.480 --> 00:19:14.960
And then a lot of times parents just aren't very skilled at understanding emotion coaching for kids.
00:19:15.119 --> 00:19:21.759
And so then they're frustrated, and then they never got that, and then they have their own messaging around children aren't supposed to act this way because I wasn't allowed to act this way.
00:19:21.839 --> 00:19:23.680
So I need to make my child not act this way.
00:19:23.839 --> 00:19:24.160
Right.
00:19:24.319 --> 00:19:24.559
Right.
00:19:24.640 --> 00:19:25.759
There's all of that.
00:19:26.000 --> 00:19:31.680
And then anger is modeled, and kids aren't given tools for managing it.
00:19:31.920 --> 00:19:43.440
Also, you know, the movie Inside Out, like we put the comfortable emotions up on a pedestal, and we say the uncomfortable emotions are bad.
00:19:43.680 --> 00:19:44.000
Right.
00:19:44.160 --> 00:19:46.480
Whereas they're all just emotions.
00:19:46.720 --> 00:19:47.039
Yeah.
00:19:47.519 --> 00:19:58.079
And so, of course, we feel angry and we feel jealous and we feel rejected and we feel all envy and we feel all those things, just like we feel joy and happiness.
00:19:58.160 --> 00:20:02.880
And so then we give all kinds of messages around we're not allowed to have those feelings.
00:20:03.119 --> 00:20:16.240
And then there are families where it is chaotic, and people have impulse control issues or substance abuse issues or entitlement that has them control others and there's domestic abuse going on.
00:20:16.319 --> 00:20:21.039
Like there's all kinds of those things, and then those kids aren't given those tools.
00:20:21.359 --> 00:20:25.839
Society also models not great things around emotions.
00:20:26.240 --> 00:20:29.839
And we're still there, like we haven't made that, we're still dealing with the same stuff.
00:20:30.160 --> 00:20:38.319
Even modern parents today who are trying very hard to be great parents and give their kids a great life.
00:20:38.640 --> 00:20:51.920
But the problem, I think, is the pendulum has swung so far that what I say to parents a lot is one of our biggest jobs as parents is to help children learn to tolerate discomfort.
00:20:52.240 --> 00:20:52.880
Yeah.
00:20:53.200 --> 00:20:54.480
And we don't.
00:20:54.720 --> 00:21:17.680
We try and soothe them so much, we try and make them happy, we try and like we don't, oh, we don't want them crying, we don't want them unhappy, we don't them want them anxious, we don't want them all these things, as opposed to let me give them tools for tolerating these things and working through them and understanding them so that when they feel angry, they get to do what you've been practicing.
00:21:17.759 --> 00:21:20.480
Like, oh, yeah, I'm pretty angry right now.
00:21:20.880 --> 00:21:22.640
Oh, let me be curious about that.
00:21:22.799 --> 00:21:24.079
Where's that coming from?
00:21:24.240 --> 00:21:25.119
What does that mean?
00:21:25.279 --> 00:21:26.559
What am I trying to control?
00:21:26.880 --> 00:21:30.720
Oh man, look at me trying to, oh yeah, that's from my dad.
00:21:30.960 --> 00:21:35.119
And now I'm passing that on to the guy in front of me in the coffee line.
00:21:35.279 --> 00:21:36.799
Oh, what if that was funny?
00:21:37.039 --> 00:21:38.000
Look at me, right?
00:21:38.079 --> 00:21:44.799
Like having that internal dialogue to be curious about our own emotions as opposed to judging them.
00:21:45.200 --> 00:21:49.839
Almost as soon as I notice what I'm doing, whether I yeah, I laugh at myself.
00:21:50.079 --> 00:21:57.680
Because sometimes at least half the time, the thing that makes me mad and rage out will also make me laugh.
00:21:57.920 --> 00:21:58.319
Yes.
00:21:58.559 --> 00:22:02.319
It just depends on how which switch I throw, you know?
00:22:02.720 --> 00:22:05.599
It's like which which button gets pressed today.
00:22:05.680 --> 00:22:06.400
And is it the fun?
00:22:06.640 --> 00:22:15.599
And just, you know, I will drop a glass in my house by myself, shatters all over the floor, and my reaction is right.
00:22:15.839 --> 00:22:18.319
Guess I'm not drinking that glas out of that glass.
00:22:18.480 --> 00:22:18.799
Right.
00:22:19.039 --> 00:22:20.000
And it's funny.
00:22:20.160 --> 00:22:20.640
Yes.
00:22:20.880 --> 00:22:28.240
And then that same thing can happen, and I can yell at all the shards of the glass like they're all of my dysfunctional children.
00:22:28.480 --> 00:22:28.880
Right.
00:22:29.119 --> 00:22:40.079
So, so, but it it's like what I like about this is that just noticing what's going on gives you a chance, a fighting chance.
00:22:40.240 --> 00:22:40.559
A chance.
00:22:41.359 --> 00:22:42.240
It slows things down.
00:22:42.799 --> 00:22:44.480
Stop that volcano.
00:22:44.720 --> 00:22:45.119
Yeah.
00:22:45.279 --> 00:22:47.839
Because it in my case, it really is.
00:22:48.559 --> 00:22:51.680
It goes there so fast and it's so comical.
00:22:51.759 --> 00:22:52.319
It's silly.
00:22:52.640 --> 00:22:53.039
It yeah.
00:22:53.279 --> 00:22:57.680
It reminds you said, you know, like we would watch it on a show and it would be funny.
00:22:57.759 --> 00:23:01.200
And there was a show Curb Your Enthusiasm by Larry David.
00:23:01.279 --> 00:23:12.000
And there's one scene that I just thought was so funny and accurate for me, where he's trying to open a hard, he's trying to get something out of one of those hard plastic cases.
00:23:12.319 --> 00:23:12.640
Yes.
00:23:12.799 --> 00:23:20.720
And he's stabbing it with a chef's knife, and he's screaming, ah, you know, and it's just so ridiculous.
00:23:20.799 --> 00:23:26.319
The behavior's so ridiculous and funny, but it was also like, I could have acted as so relatable.
00:23:26.559 --> 00:23:29.279
Oh, this those hard plastic cases.
00:23:29.519 --> 00:23:30.480
Oh, maddening.
00:23:30.720 --> 00:23:32.160
I will, and I will say this.
00:23:32.319 --> 00:23:36.880
I want to meet the person who made this product case.
00:23:37.119 --> 00:23:38.559
I want to see them.
00:23:39.839 --> 00:23:41.920
And I want to talk to them about it.
00:23:42.160 --> 00:23:44.000
And I'm just like, what is happening?
00:23:44.079 --> 00:23:44.880
It's so silly.
00:23:45.279 --> 00:23:47.839
Well, this has been very helpful.
00:23:48.000 --> 00:23:49.759
I appreciate the free therapy.
00:23:49.839 --> 00:23:56.799
Plus, I think it is relatable to so many people, especially right now where everyone seems to be on their last nerve.
00:23:56.880 --> 00:24:05.440
So thanks, Tracy, very much for being here and bringing your considered wisdom and experience to this age-old question.
00:24:05.759 --> 00:24:07.680
And thank you, everyone, for listening.
00:24:07.839 --> 00:24:10.319
Please contact us via email.
00:24:10.559 --> 00:24:12.160
The email is in the show notes.
00:24:12.960 --> 00:24:14.400
Find us on Instagram.
00:24:14.640 --> 00:24:16.400
We love hearing from you.
00:24:17.039 --> 00:24:22.720
And we hope you will tune in to another episode.
00:24:23.200 --> 00:24:38.000
Because whether you're cruising down the neural super highway or just watching another episode of Stabby versus Punchy, it's important to remember that we all smell like humans.
00:24:38.160 --> 00:24:39.200
Goodbye, everybody.
00:24:39.440 --> 00:24:40.079
Bye.
00:24:40.400 --> 00:24:44.640
Whether you are cruising down the neural superhighway.
00:24:44.720 --> 00:24:45.599
No, that's not what you said.
00:24:45.680 --> 00:24:47.039
Neural pathway superhighway.
00:24:48.079 --> 00:24:51.359
Is it the neural pathway superhighway or just neural superhighway?
00:24:51.519 --> 00:24:52.720
You can choose either one.
00:24:54.640 --> 00:24:54.960
And
