WEBVTT
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Welcome back to episode four of Sim Space.
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Today we are talking about starting over.
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And I don't just mean starting over once in a blue moon.
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I mean again and again and again.
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You know those moments where you just clock your life and you just think, fuck, why does it feel like I've restarted more times than I've actually moved forward?
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Not in a dramatic, crazy way, just in one of those very quiet, motherfucking irritating ways, right?
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And every time things start to make sense, at least in my life, something resets.
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And I'm basically back at square one again.
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For the longest time, I've always thought it was me.
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Maybe I just didn't know how to keep things, right?
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Maybe I just can't simply keep stability.
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I can't keep relationships romantically or friends or even family, right?
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I can't keep the same version of myself for too long.
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Everything simply just expires.
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And it's not even chaos every time.
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That's the fucking annoying part.
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It's not loud, it's not crazy.
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Sometimes things are actually super good.
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They're actually very, very good.
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Everything's calm, everything's stable, everything is predictable.
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And then out of nowhere, it's like, cool.
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That version of your life sim, done.
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And for a long time I used to take that personally.
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I thought I was doing something wrong.
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I thought that everyone else had simply got the manual on how to maintain a life.
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And I just simply missed that class.
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But the other day, I really sat and thought about it.
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I didn't know what to talk about in this episode.
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I've just been really drained lately.
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I've got so many things happening all at once, professionally, personally, you know, everything's just quite chaotic right now.
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And like I said, I've got a lot of things going on.
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And you know when you're just super drained and you just don't know what to talk about.
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Like, I just wanted silence, but I knew I had to get this episode out.
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So I called my best friend and I said, Lizzie, I've got no clue what to talk about in this episode.
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Help me.
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Help me.
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Like, just help me.
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And she turned around and she said, Why don't you talk about starting over?
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You've started over so many times in your life.
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Maybe that can resonate with people.
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Talk about that.
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And that's when I really sat with myself and thought about it.
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And I had to be honest with myself about how many times in my life I've had to start over again and again and again.
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And I realized that starting over didn't start in my 20s.
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Didn't start in my 30s either.
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This isn't one of those adultness hard faces.
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I have been restarting my life since I was eight years old.
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And when I realized that, kind of sat back and I thought, oh, so it's not that I can't maintain a life.
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It's not that I've never actually had one that stayed the same long enough to learn how.
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You know, when I was eight years old, I moved from Somalia to the UK.
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And let me just say this from the start: people tend to romanticize that experience way too fucking much.
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Because when people hear that and they start to think, oh wow, new opportunities, fresh life, fresh start.
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Fresh start for what?
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For whom?
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Because as a child, when you are eight years old, migrating from another country, not just another country, another continent, a new place, it doesn't feel like a fresh start.
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It feels like confusion, like being dropped into a completely different world with no instructions.
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I didn't understand what people were saying.
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Not properly.
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I remember being in school and just sitting there thinking to myself, well, everyone's talking fast, there's different accents, there's different slang, everyone looks different, there's just different everything.
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And you don't want to be that person that stands out and looks stupid.
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So you tend to just nod with everything that's happening.
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You just smile.
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You just pretend that you get it.
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And that becomes a survival technique.
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And that's something I've had for a long time.
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Nod, smile, figure it out later.
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And then I would go home, and then I would see that my own mother is going through the same thing.
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Except she's the adult, she's a single mother, she barely speaks English, she's trying to navigate a whole new country.
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And now we're both sitting across the dinner table looking at each other like, yeah, we're gonna have to just find a way to figure this shit out.
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There is no guide, there is no family here explaining things step by step.
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There's no one sitting you down saying, okay, this is how the system works.
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It's just life is happening and it's happening so fast and so different to everything we've known.
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And you just try to catch up as you go along.
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When I look back, I remember small things like the letters coming through the post, official letters, school stuff, bills, random documents.
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And my mom would look at me as if I am the adult, you know.
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She would look at me and say, Can you read it?
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And I'm eight years old.
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Reading words I don't fully understand, trying to explain them to an adult, hoping that I'm not completely wrong, because if I get it wrong, then it affects both of us.
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That's some fucking pressure, especially on an eight-year-old.
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At eight years old, I had that type of pressure.
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And it's done something to me.
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And it's something I've realized that I've grown up and you know have lived life a lot longer.
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Even simple things like appointments, being in a room where adults are talking, and I'm the one translating, you don't know the words properly.
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You don't even know what it means.
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You just perhaps know how to say it or how to read it.
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And I'm just sitting there trying to piece it together, trying to make sense of it in real time.
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And no one really understands how crazy that is.
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Because to them, it's oh, the kid understands English, it's fine.
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But in your head, you start to think, I actually don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
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And that's where it started for me.
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The starting over.
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The feeling of I have to feel it out, I have to adapt, I have to be switched on.
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And when you live like that from young, you you don't grow up like you're a soft babe.
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Like, let's be honest.
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You don't grow up soft.
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You grow up super aware, very, very fucking aware, noticing everything that's happening around you, people's tones, energy shifting, when something feels off, when something is not understood, you know, you start to become really good at reading situations because you even realize that you're able to read other people before you even understand yourself.
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And that's something that a lot of people I find call maturity.
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They say, Oh, you're so grown for your age.
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And you're just sitting there like, no.
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I just at the time did not have the luxury of being clueless.
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And that stays with you.
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That mindset of whatever happens, I will deal with it later.
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I think it's something that when you say out loud, it sounds strong.
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It sounds like resilience, but it also means that you never fully feel completely safe.
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Because in your own head, or at least myself at the time, in my head, I was always prepared for things to change.
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So I had to grow up, I had to go through school, I had to start building some kind of identity, I had to start making friends, I had to understand how to move in this new environment where I'm still balancing two worlds.
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Because at home, it's culture, it's religion, it's expectations.
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Outside, it's freedom, it's different lifestyles, it's different ways of thinking.
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And I'm constantly having to switch between the two, fully switching.
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You know, when they talk about code switching, that was me at the age of eight years old.
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You know, different tones, different behaviors, different versions of myself.
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And at first everything felt very normal, very fucking normal.
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It was all I knew.
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But over time I started to realize something.
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I didn't even actually know which version was real.
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Because I'd been adapting for so long, I've just never been, I've never felt seen, I've never just been seen.
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Do you know what I mean?
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And that became my normal.
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Adapting, adjusting, fitting into whatever situation that I was placed in, or I found myself in.
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And for a long time, it worked.
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It works, you know, when you adapt, it works.
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You get through life, you function, you look like you've got it all together, but internally there's always a question, like, is this actually me?
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And somehow you ignore it because it's inconvenient, because life is smoothing, because you don't have time to sit and unpack that until you actually have to do.
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And for me, that moment didn't come until I was, of course, 26.
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So now I'm older.
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I'm trying to figure out how to move.
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I'm trying to, you know, read the rooms because I already know how to read the rooms.
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You know, I already know how to switch between versions of myself depending on where I am.
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But from the outside, I know it's fine.
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Everything made sense.
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However, inside, there's always that one thing, that one truth that I've kept pushing to the side for a very, very long time.
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Not because I didn't know it was there, but because I knew what it came with.
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Do you understand?
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And for me, at that age, at 26, obviously, like I mentioned previously, that was my sexuality.
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The one thing I had kept hidden all my life.
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And listen, this isn't one of those stories where I feel like I woke up one day and was like, yeah, let me just tell everyone and live freely.
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No, if I'm going to be very serious, it doesn't work like that.
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I wish it did.
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Not when you come from a very religious background, not when you come from a culture where certain things are not just disagreed with, they're shut down completely.
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And you learn early on what's acceptable and what's not, what you can say and what you definitely should not say, and you adjust again and again and again.
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And that's the pattern, right?
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You adapt, you don't fucking challenge it, you don't question it out loud, you just somehow find a way to manage it.
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You keep certain parts of yourself separate, you live your life, but not fully.
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And the longer you do that, the more normal it starts to feel because you're still functioning, you're still living.
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And I was doing everything that I was supposed to do.
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So technically, nothing ever felt wrong.
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But internally, like I always said, there's that tension, you know, when you know you're holding something back, like you're not fully relaxed in your own life, you know, parts of you that you're constantly editing and it gets completely tiring, mentally fucking tiring, because now every interaction has a filter, every conversation has a limit, every version of you has a boundary.
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And it was something that for a long time, you know, I started to feel it slowly.
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I remember being in situations where I'd have to check myself with conversation, as if someone would say something, and I would instinctively want to respond honestly, and then I would pause, and then I would have to think wait, how do I say this in a way that doesn't actually expose me?
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And when you do that enough times, it becomes automatic, very easy.
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You just don't even realize you're doing it anymore.
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You just tend to find your way into editing yourself.
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You know, you become an editing genius, and that's fine until it's not, until you reach a point where you're like, I actually can't fucking keep doing this because it's just not one moment, it's years, years of managing something that is literally part of who you are.
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And at some point, like I said, it becomes fucking exhausting, it becomes ridiculous.
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And for me, obviously, that point came at 26.
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It was quiet, very quiet.
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It was a realization, right?
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And at that point, I'd realized obviously I can't build a real life like this because everything I was building was built on something that was incomplete, and that's when it hit me.
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This is not fucking sustainable.
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This life is not fucking sustainable.
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This version of myself is not sustainable.
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I can't constantly feel incomplete.
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And then comes the question, okay, so what now?
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Because knowing something and acting on it are two completely different things.
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Because now I'm sitting there thinking to myself, I've gotta think about my mum.
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And let's be real, the hardest part, especially when you're someone that loves their mother deeply, that's very close to their mother, you know, it's not just someone, it's mother, it's mommy, it's mom, the woman who raised you, who sacrificed for you, who moved countries for you, who built a life from nothing for you.
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And now you're just about to say something that might not align with everything she believes.
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So I was, what do they call it, between a hard and a rock place.
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But stuck.
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Because on one side, I've you know, I've got my truth.
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On the other side, I have someone I don't want to hurt, and that's not an easy place to sit in at all.
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And people constantly love to simplify this type of shit.
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They'll say things like, just be honest, just tell her, she'll understand, will she?
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How do you fucking know that?
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How do you fucking know that?
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Because unless you've been in that fucking position, you do not understand the weight of it.
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You don't.
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So you will constantly sit with that for a long time, longer than people think.
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And it's not just thinking, it's the rehearsing, it's the over and over again.
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How do I say it?
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When do I say it?
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What words do I use?
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What if it goes left?
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What if she doesn't accept it?
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And the biggest one, what if this changes everything?
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Because shit like this does, it can, and that's the risk.
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That's the real risk of coming out in this context.
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It's not just about being seen, it's about potentially losing something or at least changing it.
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And you don't know how.
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So I delayed it for as long as I can.
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I told myself, not now, I'll do it later.
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Let me just focus on other things first.
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And life continued.
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And that thing that I was hiding, it just didn't go away.
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It just was there.
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Background.
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And over time, it became louder and louder and louder.
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It became more present, present, present, became more uncomfortable until it wasn't something that I could simply ignore anymore.
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So I reached that point when I realized when she obviously confronted me, if I don't say this, I'm going to constantly keep living half versions of myself, a half version of my life.
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I didn't want that anymore.
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So I did it.
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I'm not gonna lie and make it sound nice.
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It wasn't, it wasn't smooth, it wasn't perfectly worded, it wasn't one of those conversations where everything just clicks, it was uncomfortable, there were a lot of pauses, there were moments where I didn't even know how to explain myself properly.
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Because how do you explain something that you've spent years not saying out loud?
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And at the same time, I'm sitting there watching her reaction, I'm sitting there trying to read her body language, trying to understand what she's thinking, trying to figure it all out, what this means now.
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And that moment, that moment in itself is heavy because it's not just about what you're saying, it's about everything it represents.
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And once it's said, that's it.
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You can't have it back, right?
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You can't do anything about it.
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You're you've shifted something, right?
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And here's the part no one really talks about life after that type of conversation, because everyone focuses on the moment, right?
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But what happens after that moment?
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That's the real adjustment.
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That is the real shape shifter.
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Because now things are different, even if it's subtle, because it's one of those things where even if no one says it directly, you can feel it in conversations, in energy, in what's said and what's not said.
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And you have to learn to exist in that without shrinking yourself, without going back, without trying to undo what you said just to make things easier.
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And that's growth, real fucking growth.
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Not this fucking bullshit advice people give you.
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That's actual growth.
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You know, the kind that's uncomfortable almost, where you're standing in your own truth and you're trying to figure out how to maintain it.
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And at the same time, you are learning something about yourself properly for the first time, without any filters, without any edits, without hiding.
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And that in itself is a strange feeling.
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I had to sit back and just think, yo, so this is me?
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Is this me now?
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Is this me now?
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No adjustments, no switching, no managing, just me, just me.
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And it took time to get used to that because I spent so long, so fucking long in my life adapting.
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You know, you just you don't immediately know how to just be.
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And once you start, you realize something.
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And I realized in that moment after that this feels better, it's uncomfortable, but better.
00:18:58.640 --> 00:19:18.000
And that's when the shift happens because now I'm not just building my life around what's acceptable, I'm actually building it around what's true, and that changed everything for me, completely changed because I'm now living for me rather than for others.
00:19:18.160 --> 00:19:21.920
You know, I'm more honest with myself, you know, about my life.
00:19:22.079 --> 00:19:24.240
I'm not hiding the same way anymore.
00:19:24.400 --> 00:19:28.480
And naturally, you start building a life that feels more aligned.
00:19:28.640 --> 00:19:32.240
And for me, that comes in in the form of relationships.
00:19:32.400 --> 00:19:36.079
And at the time, there was one relationship that that felt solid.
00:19:36.400 --> 00:19:38.480
It felt very fucking solid.
00:19:38.640 --> 00:19:44.640
You know, it wasn't confusing, it wasn't chaotic, it wasn't one of those situations where I'm constantly guessing.
00:19:44.880 --> 00:19:49.359
It was very stable, it was very comfortable, it was very safe.
00:19:49.599 --> 00:19:52.480
And after everything, that felt good.
00:19:52.720 --> 00:19:59.279
Like I finally, you know, found something in my life that wasn't in survival mode at all.
00:19:59.440 --> 00:20:03.759
And when you find that kind of stability, you tend to lean into it, isn't it?
00:20:04.000 --> 00:20:10.880
You build around it because now you're thinking, okay, this is it, this is the life that I've been trying to get to.
00:20:11.119 --> 00:20:14.640
And we built properly, not on a surface level.
00:20:14.799 --> 00:20:16.480
I'm talking in real life.
00:20:16.720 --> 00:20:28.559
You know, the whole living together, sharing a space, sharing responsibilities, sharing pets, sharing finances, sharing routines, everything.
00:20:28.799 --> 00:20:31.680
And this is something that a lot of people don't talk about.
00:20:32.000 --> 00:20:35.599
And that's what it means to actually share life with someone.
00:20:35.839 --> 00:20:41.359
Because it's not just the dates and the vibes, it's the who's doing the food shop?
00:20:41.519 --> 00:20:42.880
Who's paying what?
00:20:43.119 --> 00:20:44.480
What time are we eating?
00:20:44.720 --> 00:20:46.160
What are we watching tonight?
00:20:46.400 --> 00:20:47.759
Who's doing the cleaning?
00:20:48.000 --> 00:20:49.599
What's the plan this weekend?
00:20:49.759 --> 00:20:54.880
It's everyday stuff, boring stuff, the real motherfucking shit, you know?
00:20:55.039 --> 00:20:57.119
That is the real fucking stuff.
00:20:57.279 --> 00:21:04.319
And for me, that what that's what made it feel like home because it was consistent, it was predictable, it was familiar.
00:21:04.480 --> 00:21:14.160
And after a life that's been full of changes, full of starting over and over, that kind of consistency at the time, it felt like a win, a complete win.
00:21:14.319 --> 00:21:19.119
And I think when you're in something for that long, it becomes your normal.
00:21:19.279 --> 00:21:23.200
You stop questioning it, you just live in it.
00:21:23.359 --> 00:21:32.960
And for someone that's been in a life that was so contained, where I was living one life outside and one life inside the house, I was very happy to just live in it.
00:21:33.279 --> 00:21:35.680
And that's where things started to get tricky.
00:21:35.839 --> 00:21:40.880
Because when someone or something becomes your normal, you don't notice where it starts to shift.
00:21:41.119 --> 00:21:44.160
I can't exactly tell you when it changed.
00:21:44.319 --> 00:21:45.680
That's the annoying part.
00:21:45.759 --> 00:21:46.720
That wasn't a moment.
00:21:46.799 --> 00:21:50.880
There was no big arguments, there was no, yeah, this is where it went wrong.
00:21:51.039 --> 00:21:52.960
You know, it was very stable life.
00:21:53.119 --> 00:21:55.200
It was very subtle, very subtle.
00:21:55.440 --> 00:21:59.759
Everything still looks the same on the outside, but something obviously.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:01.920
You felt different on the inside.
00:22:02.480 --> 00:22:12.640
You know, when you're doing the same routine, when you're still living together, or you're still functioning as a couple, but you know there's a slight disconnect.
00:22:12.799 --> 00:22:13.440
You get me?
00:22:13.599 --> 00:22:15.200
There's a slight disconnect.
00:22:15.440 --> 00:22:17.920
And I think at first I try to ignore it, maybe.
00:22:18.079 --> 00:22:19.440
You know, I'm only a human being.
00:22:19.599 --> 00:22:21.119
Uh, don't pop the bear.
00:22:21.680 --> 00:22:30.160
Because if it's not big enough to address it, you know, you tend to tell yourself it's just a face, we're just comfortable, this is what long-term relationships are like.
00:22:30.400 --> 00:22:32.400
And to be fair, some of that is true.
00:22:32.640 --> 00:22:42.400
Long-term relationships do change, they're not always exciting, they're not always intense, but for me, it felt very different.
00:22:42.640 --> 00:22:45.440
It felt like I was there, but I wasn't fully there.
00:22:45.680 --> 00:22:46.799
Do you know what I mean?
00:22:47.119 --> 00:22:55.200
And as if I was just kind of going through the motions, I was doing everything right, but not feeling it the same way.
00:22:55.359 --> 00:22:58.079
And it's always a hard thing to admit, isn't it?
00:22:58.400 --> 00:23:02.799
Because when nothing is technically wrong, then what are you even fixing?
00:23:03.119 --> 00:23:08.319
And you know, I guess like any human being, I guess I started to negotiate with myself.
00:23:08.480 --> 00:23:12.480
You know, maybe I just need to try harder, maybe I'm the problem.
00:23:12.799 --> 00:23:17.119
Very easy to blame yourself than to accept that something might actually be off.
00:23:17.279 --> 00:23:22.240
So you tend to then try and try and put in the effort to show up.
00:23:22.480 --> 00:23:24.319
You do everything you're supposed to do.
00:23:24.480 --> 00:23:27.599
And that feeling, hmm, it doesn't go away.
00:23:27.759 --> 00:23:32.559
And over time it gets harder to ignore because now it's not just a thought, it's a knowing.
00:23:32.640 --> 00:23:35.680
And that's where things get very uncomfortable, isn't it?
00:23:35.920 --> 00:23:41.759
Because I feel like the moment I realized, like the moment I realized I knew, I just couldn't unknow it.
00:23:41.839 --> 00:23:44.240
And now I was obviously faced with a decision.
00:23:44.400 --> 00:23:53.920
Stay in this situation, in this relationship, or keep everything as it is, because it works, or leave and disrupt my entire life again, start over, again.
00:23:54.079 --> 00:23:56.480
And let's be honest, staying is always easier, isn't it?
00:23:56.640 --> 00:24:02.480
You don't have to explain anything, you don't have to move, you don't have to split anything, you don't have to deal with the emotional mess.
00:24:02.640 --> 00:24:04.000
You just tend to continue.
00:24:04.240 --> 00:24:06.559
And for a while, that's what I considered.
00:24:06.880 --> 00:24:09.519
Because, you know, do I really want to start over again?
00:24:09.680 --> 00:24:12.880
Like genuinely, again, after everything.
00:24:13.039 --> 00:24:15.119
I wanted to be fucking serious with myself.
00:24:15.359 --> 00:24:18.000
And, you know, I had to ask myself a real question.
00:24:18.240 --> 00:24:21.839
Am I staying because this is right or because it's comfortable?
00:24:22.079 --> 00:24:29.680
That question, that one would explain to everything because comfort and alignment are not the same thing.
00:24:29.920 --> 00:24:32.559
And that's when I realized I was very comfortable.
00:24:32.640 --> 00:24:35.279
I was so comfortable, but I wasn't aligned.
00:24:35.440 --> 00:24:38.960
And staying in something like that, it would have cost me a lot.
00:24:39.119 --> 00:24:43.119
Not immediately, maybe, not you know, dramatically, but slowly.
00:24:43.200 --> 00:24:44.960
It would have fucking cost me.
00:24:45.200 --> 00:24:48.799
So, you know, I started feeling disconnected from my own life.
00:24:48.960 --> 00:24:54.640
You know, I'm watching myself live it, but instead of actually being in it, and I didn't want that.
00:24:54.799 --> 00:24:58.400
So I made a decision, and it was a big, big decision.
00:24:58.640 --> 00:25:02.960
It was that type of decision where you're like, this isn't it anymore.
00:25:03.200 --> 00:25:07.119
And I think that made it harder because I didn't have any anger.
00:25:07.279 --> 00:25:12.240
I didn't care about who was the villain, I didn't care about the obvious reasons, I just cared about the truth.
00:25:12.319 --> 00:25:14.319
And the truth is always heavy.
00:25:14.559 --> 00:25:24.960
The truth is always heavy, and then that's when life decided to add a little twist because this decision, this moment, hey, it landed on my 30th birthday.
00:25:25.039 --> 00:25:26.720
Out of all the days, my 30th.
00:25:26.880 --> 00:25:29.359
And I just remember thinking this is actually fucking insane.
00:25:29.519 --> 00:25:33.920
Because birthdays are supposed to be about celebration, reflection, joy.
00:25:34.079 --> 00:25:37.599
And I'm sitting there, I'm about to break my own heart.
00:25:37.920 --> 00:25:39.519
And that's what it felt like.
00:25:39.839 --> 00:25:40.319
Go on.
00:25:40.559 --> 00:25:47.839
People think breakups are always about the other person, but sometimes it's genuinely about letting go of a version of your life.
00:25:48.000 --> 00:25:52.799
And that shit does hurt because it's not just the emotional aspect, it's the practical.
00:25:52.960 --> 00:25:53.759
Do you know what I mean?
00:25:53.839 --> 00:25:56.160
It's it's it's a hard thing to sit with.
00:25:56.559 --> 00:26:00.240
And it's also something that no one kind of prepares you for that part.
00:26:00.559 --> 00:26:06.720
Because it's you know, I had to look back and think, it's not just we broke up, it's my whole entire routine's gone.
00:26:06.880 --> 00:26:12.240
The little things, the normal things that I didn't even realize this mattered type things.
00:26:12.480 --> 00:26:13.519
It was all gone.
00:26:13.759 --> 00:26:20.319
And now I found myself being by myself, and at first it felt really calm.
00:26:20.480 --> 00:26:24.079
I sat there and I said to myself, okay, maybe I needed this.
00:26:24.240 --> 00:26:25.119
This is peaceful.
00:26:25.279 --> 00:26:33.599
And a few days would go, and I would look in the mirror and think, okay, but is this peace or is this just very quiet loneliness?
00:26:33.839 --> 00:26:35.920
Because the silence hits different.
00:26:36.160 --> 00:26:42.000
You know, there was no one to talk about random things with, there was no one to share my day with, no one was just there.
00:26:42.160 --> 00:26:43.759
And I had to get used to that.
00:26:44.000 --> 00:26:47.359
I'm not gonna lie, there were moments where I questioned everything.
00:26:47.519 --> 00:26:49.680
Where I said, Did I make the right decision?
00:26:49.839 --> 00:26:51.119
Was this necessary?
00:26:51.359 --> 00:26:53.039
Could I have just stayed?
00:26:53.279 --> 00:26:56.720
Because even when you choose yourself, it doesn't mean it feels good immediately.
00:26:56.880 --> 00:26:57.759
Do you know what I mean?
00:26:58.000 --> 00:26:59.839
It still felt like a loss.
00:27:00.160 --> 00:27:07.200
And I had to sit with that while still functioning, while still working, while still showing up in life.
00:27:07.359 --> 00:27:10.880
And to me, that's the real version of starting over.
00:27:11.200 --> 00:27:20.160
Not a clean one, it wasn't a clean slate, it was a messy middle where I'm grieving and rebuilding all at the same time.
00:27:20.400 --> 00:27:27.359
And just when I thought, okay, let me stabilize here, life then turned around again and said, ah, no, not yet.
00:27:27.519 --> 00:27:31.200
So now I've left the relationship, I'm by myself again.
00:27:31.519 --> 00:27:32.720
Life is quiet.
00:27:32.960 --> 00:27:34.640
Gosh, I hate the quiet sometimes.
00:27:34.720 --> 00:27:36.319
It's a it was a bit too quiet.
00:27:36.480 --> 00:27:39.039
And naturally, you know, this happens to all of us.
00:27:39.200 --> 00:27:40.720
Your brain does what it always does.
00:27:40.880 --> 00:27:44.559
It looks for something to focus on, something to control, something to build.
00:27:44.880 --> 00:27:47.519
Because sitting still, that's not really my thing.
00:27:47.680 --> 00:27:49.519
It's genuinely not really my thing.
00:27:49.759 --> 00:27:51.839
And I threw myself into work.
00:27:52.079 --> 00:27:56.559
It wasn't accidental, it was a very intentional thing for me to do.
00:27:56.720 --> 00:27:58.400
You know, I just said, you know what, cool.
00:27:58.559 --> 00:28:02.799
If everything else in my life is uncertain, let me at least lock this one thing in.
00:28:02.960 --> 00:28:06.079
So I shifted, I just continued working.
00:28:06.240 --> 00:28:11.920
I worked, worked, worked, and I went all in time, energy, focus.
00:28:12.079 --> 00:28:16.000
Because if there's one thing about me, I will figure it out.
00:28:16.160 --> 00:28:18.400
And the crazy part, it worked.
00:28:18.480 --> 00:28:20.240
Like it actually worked.
00:28:20.480 --> 00:28:26.480
You know, I worked so hard, I was very comfortable, opportunities were coming, things were growing.
00:28:26.720 --> 00:28:30.960
But from the outside, it did look like I finally cracked it.
00:28:31.119 --> 00:28:33.119
That I'd finally cracked life.
00:28:33.359 --> 00:28:36.960
You know, that moment where people always talk about where it's like, oh yeah, that's it.
00:28:37.039 --> 00:28:38.079
I made the right decision.
00:28:38.240 --> 00:28:39.599
And that's what it looked like.
00:28:39.839 --> 00:28:41.839
I can't stand here and lie.
00:28:42.319 --> 00:28:44.559
A part of me was, you know, quite happy.
00:28:44.640 --> 00:28:46.240
And I said, okay, finally.
00:28:46.480 --> 00:28:53.119
Because after everything, after all that, starting over, it felt like things were aligning.
00:28:53.519 --> 00:28:57.599
It was very much in line with how I wanted things to go.
00:28:57.680 --> 00:28:59.680
But internally, it was a different story.
00:28:59.920 --> 00:29:04.400
Because while everything else was growing externally, I was declining internally.
00:29:04.480 --> 00:29:06.240
And it wasn't obvious at first.
00:29:06.400 --> 00:29:07.759
It started small.
00:29:07.920 --> 00:29:15.599
You know, the I was feeling a bit tired, I was feeling a bit off, I wasn't as motivated, and I try to ignore it.
00:29:15.759 --> 00:29:16.880
And that's what I do.
00:29:17.119 --> 00:29:21.680
Just push through to normal, adjust, standard.
00:29:21.839 --> 00:29:27.200
And then it just kept going and going and going and going until things just got heavier.
00:29:27.680 --> 00:29:29.200
Mentally, I was fucked.
00:29:29.359 --> 00:29:31.519
Emotionally, I was fucked.
00:29:31.839 --> 00:29:35.279
And I started to notice that I wasn't really enjoying it.
00:29:35.519 --> 00:29:42.880
Even when things were going so well, you know, in friendships, in my work, everything was going so well.
00:29:43.039 --> 00:29:48.720
And that to me, that was the confusing part because I'm sitting there like, yo, this is what I wanted.
00:29:48.880 --> 00:29:51.119
I wanted these things to work out for me.
00:29:51.359 --> 00:29:56.640
I wanted to be successful at these things, but why does it feel different to how it should feel?
00:29:56.880 --> 00:30:00.319
And I realized success doesn't automatically equal peace.
00:30:00.480 --> 00:30:03.680
You know, you could be doing well but still not feel okay.
00:30:03.920 --> 00:30:09.519
And I found myself in that space where everything looked right but also felt wrong.
00:30:09.839 --> 00:30:17.680
And I think that was one of the hardest positions in life I could have ever been because I didn't have anything external to blame.
00:30:17.920 --> 00:30:22.240
It wasn't my environment, it wasn't about other people, it was about me.
00:30:22.400 --> 00:30:29.279
And it's an uncomfortable conversation to have with yourself because at the end you still have to be honest.
00:30:29.440 --> 00:30:37.440
And I had to ask myself a real question: do I really have the capacity to keep going the way I have been going?
00:30:37.599 --> 00:30:38.799
And the answer was no.
00:30:39.039 --> 00:30:43.920
Not because I wasn't capable, but because I realized mentally I was declining.
00:30:44.079 --> 00:30:54.480
I was doing things at work, going out, you know, I was trying to just be great at certain things that I'd have forgotten to take care of me internally.
00:30:54.960 --> 00:30:57.279
Because logically the answer was obvious.
00:30:57.440 --> 00:31:01.519
I should have slowed down and started slowly, you know.
00:31:01.759 --> 00:31:04.240
And it just, everything just felt very heavy.
00:31:04.480 --> 00:31:07.519
And like I said, emotionally I was really drained.
00:31:07.759 --> 00:31:10.160
Because I just I was so drained.
00:31:10.400 --> 00:31:14.319
And I knew if I kept going like this, I'm gonna burn out properly.
00:31:14.559 --> 00:31:27.599
And I found myself at a position where mentally and emotionally I couldn't function anymore, and I didn't recognize myself anymore, and I kind of just didn't want to continue that way.
00:31:27.839 --> 00:31:29.680
It was beyond the point it should be.
00:31:29.839 --> 00:31:30.960
So I made a decision.
00:31:31.119 --> 00:31:32.480
I stopped working for a while.
00:31:32.640 --> 00:31:39.680
It was a hard thing to do, but I stepped back, I shut things down, I paused everything, and from the outside, it made zero sense.
00:31:39.839 --> 00:31:41.920
You know, friends were saying to me, Wait, what?
00:31:42.000 --> 00:31:44.319
You were doing so well, why would you stop now?
00:31:44.559 --> 00:31:52.079
And I get it, everything was fantastic, but I feel like I had to start over again because I needed to take care of me.
00:31:52.240 --> 00:31:58.000
I needed to take care of myself internally, and I couldn't just continue living the way I was living.
00:31:58.160 --> 00:32:00.240
I knew that it wasn't sustainable.
00:32:00.400 --> 00:32:08.559
So I chose myself, I took a bit of time off, I reset, and yeah, that meant starting over again and again.
00:32:08.799 --> 00:32:18.000
But this time it did feel different to start over because I was finally prioritizing myself, I was prioritizing my health, it didn't feel forced.
00:32:18.160 --> 00:32:20.960
It wasn't, oh, life is just happening to me.
00:32:21.119 --> 00:32:34.240
It was just me choosing myself, you know, choosing to start again from a different perspective, from a different point in life, with no distraction, no busy schedule, no constant movements, just me, myself, and I.
00:32:34.400 --> 00:32:42.559
And whilst that might be uncomfortable at times, I realized that there was a lot of things that I was avoiding from my whole life.
00:32:42.720 --> 00:32:50.880
You know, all the thoughts, all the emotions, all the questions that I avoided whenever I've had to start life again, realized I couldn't outrun them.
00:32:50.960 --> 00:32:53.519
You know, so I sat there and I said, okay, but who am I actually?
00:32:53.680 --> 00:32:57.200
Without relationships, without the work, without the constant rebuilding.
00:32:57.359 --> 00:32:59.440
And that's when things started to make sense.
00:32:59.680 --> 00:33:04.079
And for the first time I realized I wasn't just reacting, I was actually reflecting.
00:33:04.160 --> 00:33:15.200
And I realized that I hadn't been failing at anything, whether it was the relationship with my mother, whether it was the relationships with my ex-partner, whether it was the relationships with my work.
00:33:15.279 --> 00:33:22.079
I've just simply been evolving and it might not look how it's expected to look, but I was evolving.
00:33:22.240 --> 00:33:25.920
Like I said, at eight, I had to adapt to a whole new country.
00:33:26.079 --> 00:33:29.039
At 26, I had to choose truth over comfort.
00:33:29.200 --> 00:33:37.039
At 30, I had to walk away from a close to a six-year relationship, and then I walked away from something that was working to protect my mental health.
00:33:37.200 --> 00:33:40.640
And of course, at 32, it feels like I'm starting over again.
00:33:40.799 --> 00:33:43.440
I've just had so many multiple recets.
00:33:43.599 --> 00:33:47.680
I realized that doesn't just mean I'm behind, it just means I've lived differently.
00:33:47.839 --> 00:33:50.880
And over time, once I understood that, everything shifted.
00:33:51.039 --> 00:33:54.960
Because now I'm not just looking at my life to be like, why am I here?
00:33:55.119 --> 00:33:58.319
I'm looking at it like, look how many times I've rebuilt.
00:33:58.400 --> 00:34:08.159
And that alone builds confidence, not loud confidence, quiet confidence, you know, the kind where you know no matter what happens, you will figure it out.
00:34:08.400 --> 00:34:12.400
You will figure out life because you've done it before multiple times.
00:34:12.559 --> 00:34:18.000
So yeah, I'm 32 and my life doesn't look how I thought it would.
00:34:18.159 --> 00:34:23.519
But if I'm being honest, I actually respect it more because everything in it has been chosen.
00:34:23.679 --> 00:34:27.119
Even the hard decisions, especially the hard decisions.
00:34:27.280 --> 00:34:30.559
And I think that's what starting over really teaches you.
00:34:30.719 --> 00:34:35.760
It teaches you how to trust yourself, not when things are easy, but when things are certain.
00:34:35.920 --> 00:34:38.480
If there's one thing I know, it's this, right?
00:34:38.719 --> 00:34:40.719
Starting over isn't the problem.
00:34:40.880 --> 00:34:47.840
Avoiding it is because the longer that you stay in something that doesn't fit, the more you lose yourself.
00:34:48.079 --> 00:34:54.639
And I would rather rebuild 10 motherfucking times than to stay stuck once.
00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:02.959
Welcome back to episode four of Sim Space.
00:00:03.120 --> 00:00:06.000
Today we are talking about starting over.
00:00:06.240 --> 00:00:09.599
And I don't just mean starting over once in a blue moon.
00:00:09.679 --> 00:00:12.960
I mean again and again and again.
00:00:13.119 --> 00:00:22.239
You know those moments where you just clock your life and you just think, fuck, why does it feel like I've restarted more times than I've actually moved forward?
00:00:22.480 --> 00:00:30.960
Not in a dramatic, crazy way, just in one of those very quiet, motherfucking irritating ways, right?
00:00:31.679 --> 00:00:37.439
And every time things start to make sense, at least in my life, something resets.
00:00:37.920 --> 00:00:41.359
And I'm basically back at square one again.
00:00:41.920 --> 00:00:45.439
For the longest time, I've always thought it was me.
00:00:45.759 --> 00:00:48.640
Maybe I just didn't know how to keep things, right?
00:00:49.119 --> 00:00:52.880
Maybe I just can't simply keep stability.
00:00:53.119 --> 00:00:59.039
I can't keep relationships romantically or friends or even family, right?
00:00:59.200 --> 00:01:02.159
I can't keep the same version of myself for too long.
00:01:02.399 --> 00:01:04.400
Everything simply just expires.
00:01:04.560 --> 00:01:06.799
And it's not even chaos every time.
00:01:06.959 --> 00:01:09.040
That's the fucking annoying part.
00:01:09.200 --> 00:01:11.599
It's not loud, it's not crazy.
00:01:11.920 --> 00:01:14.560
Sometimes things are actually super good.
00:01:14.719 --> 00:01:17.120
They're actually very, very good.
00:01:17.599 --> 00:01:22.079
Everything's calm, everything's stable, everything is predictable.
00:01:22.319 --> 00:01:25.760
And then out of nowhere, it's like, cool.
00:01:26.319 --> 00:01:28.959
That version of your life sim, done.
00:01:29.359 --> 00:01:32.319
And for a long time I used to take that personally.
00:01:32.480 --> 00:01:34.400
I thought I was doing something wrong.
00:01:34.640 --> 00:01:39.599
I thought that everyone else had simply got the manual on how to maintain a life.
00:01:39.760 --> 00:01:41.760
And I just simply missed that class.
00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:45.280
But the other day, I really sat and thought about it.
00:01:45.680 --> 00:01:48.079
I didn't know what to talk about in this episode.
00:01:48.159 --> 00:01:49.840
I've just been really drained lately.
00:01:49.920 --> 00:01:57.280
I've got so many things happening all at once, professionally, personally, you know, everything's just quite chaotic right now.
00:01:57.519 --> 00:01:59.680
And like I said, I've got a lot of things going on.
00:01:59.840 --> 00:02:03.840
And you know when you're just super drained and you just don't know what to talk about.
00:02:04.000 --> 00:02:07.680
Like, I just wanted silence, but I knew I had to get this episode out.
00:02:07.920 --> 00:02:13.680
So I called my best friend and I said, Lizzie, I've got no clue what to talk about in this episode.
00:02:13.919 --> 00:02:14.960
Help me.
00:02:15.840 --> 00:02:16.879
Help me.
00:02:17.120 --> 00:02:18.879
Like, just help me.
00:02:19.199 --> 00:02:23.520
And she turned around and she said, Why don't you talk about starting over?
00:02:23.919 --> 00:02:26.560
You've started over so many times in your life.
00:02:26.719 --> 00:02:28.479
Maybe that can resonate with people.
00:02:28.639 --> 00:02:29.680
Talk about that.
00:02:29.919 --> 00:02:34.319
And that's when I really sat with myself and thought about it.
00:02:34.479 --> 00:02:43.199
And I had to be honest with myself about how many times in my life I've had to start over again and again and again.
00:02:43.520 --> 00:02:48.080
And I realized that starting over didn't start in my 20s.
00:02:48.400 --> 00:02:50.240
Didn't start in my 30s either.
00:02:50.479 --> 00:02:53.759
This isn't one of those adultness hard faces.
00:02:54.159 --> 00:03:00.319
I have been restarting my life since I was eight years old.
00:03:00.639 --> 00:03:09.120
And when I realized that, kind of sat back and I thought, oh, so it's not that I can't maintain a life.
00:03:09.360 --> 00:03:16.560
It's not that I've never actually had one that stayed the same long enough to learn how.
00:03:16.719 --> 00:03:21.759
You know, when I was eight years old, I moved from Somalia to the UK.
00:03:22.000 --> 00:03:29.199
And let me just say this from the start: people tend to romanticize that experience way too fucking much.
00:03:29.520 --> 00:03:37.599
Because when people hear that and they start to think, oh wow, new opportunities, fresh life, fresh start.
00:03:37.919 --> 00:03:39.439
Fresh start for what?
00:03:39.680 --> 00:03:40.560
For whom?
00:03:41.120 --> 00:03:52.240
Because as a child, when you are eight years old, migrating from another country, not just another country, another continent, a new place, it doesn't feel like a fresh start.
00:03:52.479 --> 00:03:59.919
It feels like confusion, like being dropped into a completely different world with no instructions.
00:04:00.159 --> 00:04:02.719
I didn't understand what people were saying.
00:04:03.039 --> 00:04:04.240
Not properly.
00:04:04.560 --> 00:04:18.959
I remember being in school and just sitting there thinking to myself, well, everyone's talking fast, there's different accents, there's different slang, everyone looks different, there's just different everything.
00:04:19.360 --> 00:04:24.560
And you don't want to be that person that stands out and looks stupid.
00:04:24.800 --> 00:04:28.560
So you tend to just nod with everything that's happening.
00:04:28.800 --> 00:04:29.759
You just smile.
00:04:30.079 --> 00:04:32.959
You just pretend that you get it.
00:04:33.279 --> 00:04:36.720
And that becomes a survival technique.
00:04:36.879 --> 00:04:38.879
And that's something I've had for a long time.
00:04:39.279 --> 00:04:42.560
Nod, smile, figure it out later.
00:04:42.879 --> 00:04:48.480
And then I would go home, and then I would see that my own mother is going through the same thing.
00:04:48.720 --> 00:04:57.680
Except she's the adult, she's a single mother, she barely speaks English, she's trying to navigate a whole new country.
00:04:58.000 --> 00:05:06.160
And now we're both sitting across the dinner table looking at each other like, yeah, we're gonna have to just find a way to figure this shit out.
00:05:06.399 --> 00:05:11.360
There is no guide, there is no family here explaining things step by step.
00:05:11.600 --> 00:05:16.560
There's no one sitting you down saying, okay, this is how the system works.
00:05:16.800 --> 00:05:23.759
It's just life is happening and it's happening so fast and so different to everything we've known.
00:05:23.920 --> 00:05:27.680
And you just try to catch up as you go along.
00:05:27.920 --> 00:05:37.680
When I look back, I remember small things like the letters coming through the post, official letters, school stuff, bills, random documents.
00:05:37.920 --> 00:05:43.439
And my mom would look at me as if I am the adult, you know.
00:05:43.600 --> 00:05:46.720
She would look at me and say, Can you read it?
00:05:47.120 --> 00:05:48.560
And I'm eight years old.
00:05:48.800 --> 00:06:00.720
Reading words I don't fully understand, trying to explain them to an adult, hoping that I'm not completely wrong, because if I get it wrong, then it affects both of us.
00:06:01.360 --> 00:06:06.240
That's some fucking pressure, especially on an eight-year-old.
00:06:06.399 --> 00:06:08.800
At eight years old, I had that type of pressure.
00:06:08.959 --> 00:06:10.240
And it's done something to me.
00:06:10.560 --> 00:06:16.240
And it's something I've realized that I've grown up and you know have lived life a lot longer.
00:06:16.399 --> 00:06:25.920
Even simple things like appointments, being in a room where adults are talking, and I'm the one translating, you don't know the words properly.
00:06:26.079 --> 00:06:28.079
You don't even know what it means.
00:06:28.160 --> 00:06:31.360
You just perhaps know how to say it or how to read it.
00:06:31.439 --> 00:06:36.079
And I'm just sitting there trying to piece it together, trying to make sense of it in real time.
00:06:36.560 --> 00:06:40.399
And no one really understands how crazy that is.
00:06:40.639 --> 00:06:45.279
Because to them, it's oh, the kid understands English, it's fine.
00:06:45.519 --> 00:06:50.399
But in your head, you start to think, I actually don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
00:06:50.560 --> 00:06:52.480
And that's where it started for me.
00:06:52.639 --> 00:06:53.839
The starting over.
00:06:54.399 --> 00:07:02.399
The feeling of I have to feel it out, I have to adapt, I have to be switched on.
00:07:02.879 --> 00:07:09.120
And when you live like that from young, you you don't grow up like you're a soft babe.
00:07:09.199 --> 00:07:10.160
Like, let's be honest.
00:07:10.319 --> 00:07:11.680
You don't grow up soft.
00:07:11.920 --> 00:07:36.639
You grow up super aware, very, very fucking aware, noticing everything that's happening around you, people's tones, energy shifting, when something feels off, when something is not understood, you know, you start to become really good at reading situations because you even realize that you're able to read other people before you even understand yourself.
00:07:36.800 --> 00:07:40.399
And that's something that a lot of people I find call maturity.
00:07:40.560 --> 00:07:43.199
They say, Oh, you're so grown for your age.
00:07:43.360 --> 00:07:45.600
And you're just sitting there like, no.
00:07:46.319 --> 00:07:51.199
I just at the time did not have the luxury of being clueless.
00:07:51.360 --> 00:07:52.720
And that stays with you.
00:07:52.959 --> 00:07:58.319
That mindset of whatever happens, I will deal with it later.
00:07:58.560 --> 00:08:02.560
I think it's something that when you say out loud, it sounds strong.
00:08:02.720 --> 00:08:10.160
It sounds like resilience, but it also means that you never fully feel completely safe.
00:08:10.800 --> 00:08:18.560
Because in your own head, or at least myself at the time, in my head, I was always prepared for things to change.
00:08:18.879 --> 00:08:33.759
So I had to grow up, I had to go through school, I had to start building some kind of identity, I had to start making friends, I had to understand how to move in this new environment where I'm still balancing two worlds.
00:08:34.000 --> 00:08:40.480
Because at home, it's culture, it's religion, it's expectations.
00:08:41.200 --> 00:08:47.279
Outside, it's freedom, it's different lifestyles, it's different ways of thinking.
00:08:47.440 --> 00:08:52.000
And I'm constantly having to switch between the two, fully switching.
00:08:52.159 --> 00:08:56.639
You know, when they talk about code switching, that was me at the age of eight years old.
00:08:56.799 --> 00:09:01.519
You know, different tones, different behaviors, different versions of myself.
00:09:01.679 --> 00:09:05.360
And at first everything felt very normal, very fucking normal.
00:09:05.519 --> 00:09:06.799
It was all I knew.
00:09:07.039 --> 00:09:09.840
But over time I started to realize something.
00:09:10.159 --> 00:09:13.279
I didn't even actually know which version was real.
00:09:13.440 --> 00:09:21.679
Because I'd been adapting for so long, I've just never been, I've never felt seen, I've never just been seen.
00:09:21.919 --> 00:09:22.960
Do you know what I mean?
00:09:23.200 --> 00:09:24.960
And that became my normal.
00:09:25.200 --> 00:09:32.399
Adapting, adjusting, fitting into whatever situation that I was placed in, or I found myself in.
00:09:32.559 --> 00:09:34.799
And for a long time, it worked.
00:09:35.039 --> 00:09:37.840
It works, you know, when you adapt, it works.
00:09:38.000 --> 00:09:48.159
You get through life, you function, you look like you've got it all together, but internally there's always a question, like, is this actually me?
00:09:48.480 --> 00:09:58.240
And somehow you ignore it because it's inconvenient, because life is smoothing, because you don't have time to sit and unpack that until you actually have to do.
00:09:58.480 --> 00:10:02.960
And for me, that moment didn't come until I was, of course, 26.
00:10:03.440 --> 00:10:05.279
So now I'm older.
00:10:05.440 --> 00:10:07.759
I'm trying to figure out how to move.
00:10:07.919 --> 00:10:14.240
I'm trying to, you know, read the rooms because I already know how to read the rooms.
00:10:14.399 --> 00:10:19.600
You know, I already know how to switch between versions of myself depending on where I am.
00:10:19.840 --> 00:10:22.399
But from the outside, I know it's fine.
00:10:22.559 --> 00:10:23.679
Everything made sense.
00:10:23.840 --> 00:10:32.960
However, inside, there's always that one thing, that one truth that I've kept pushing to the side for a very, very long time.
00:10:33.200 --> 00:10:36.960
Not because I didn't know it was there, but because I knew what it came with.
00:10:37.120 --> 00:10:38.159
Do you understand?
00:10:38.399 --> 00:10:45.039
And for me, at that age, at 26, obviously, like I mentioned previously, that was my sexuality.
00:10:45.200 --> 00:10:47.759
The one thing I had kept hidden all my life.
00:10:48.000 --> 00:10:56.240
And listen, this isn't one of those stories where I feel like I woke up one day and was like, yeah, let me just tell everyone and live freely.
00:10:56.480 --> 00:10:59.759
No, if I'm going to be very serious, it doesn't work like that.
00:10:59.919 --> 00:11:00.720
I wish it did.
00:11:00.879 --> 00:11:09.519
Not when you come from a very religious background, not when you come from a culture where certain things are not just disagreed with, they're shut down completely.
00:11:09.759 --> 00:11:21.279
And you learn early on what's acceptable and what's not, what you can say and what you definitely should not say, and you adjust again and again and again.
00:11:21.360 --> 00:11:23.039
And that's the pattern, right?
00:11:23.279 --> 00:11:30.000
You adapt, you don't fucking challenge it, you don't question it out loud, you just somehow find a way to manage it.
00:11:30.240 --> 00:11:35.360
You keep certain parts of yourself separate, you live your life, but not fully.
00:11:35.519 --> 00:11:41.519
And the longer you do that, the more normal it starts to feel because you're still functioning, you're still living.
00:11:41.679 --> 00:11:44.799
And I was doing everything that I was supposed to do.
00:11:44.960 --> 00:11:46.799
So technically, nothing ever felt wrong.
00:11:46.960 --> 00:12:12.480
But internally, like I always said, there's that tension, you know, when you know you're holding something back, like you're not fully relaxed in your own life, you know, parts of you that you're constantly editing and it gets completely tiring, mentally fucking tiring, because now every interaction has a filter, every conversation has a limit, every version of you has a boundary.
00:12:12.720 --> 00:12:16.559
And it was something that for a long time, you know, I started to feel it slowly.
00:12:16.799 --> 00:12:34.320
I remember being in situations where I'd have to check myself with conversation, as if someone would say something, and I would instinctively want to respond honestly, and then I would pause, and then I would have to think wait, how do I say this in a way that doesn't actually expose me?
00:12:34.559 --> 00:12:38.960
And when you do that enough times, it becomes automatic, very easy.
00:12:39.120 --> 00:12:41.120
You just don't even realize you're doing it anymore.
00:12:41.279 --> 00:12:44.720
You just tend to find your way into editing yourself.
00:12:44.799 --> 00:13:00.799
You know, you become an editing genius, and that's fine until it's not, until you reach a point where you're like, I actually can't fucking keep doing this because it's just not one moment, it's years, years of managing something that is literally part of who you are.
00:13:00.960 --> 00:13:06.000
And at some point, like I said, it becomes fucking exhausting, it becomes ridiculous.
00:13:06.320 --> 00:13:10.000
And for me, obviously, that point came at 26.
00:13:10.399 --> 00:13:12.399
It was quiet, very quiet.
00:13:12.639 --> 00:13:14.960
It was a realization, right?
00:13:15.679 --> 00:13:27.679
And at that point, I'd realized obviously I can't build a real life like this because everything I was building was built on something that was incomplete, and that's when it hit me.
00:13:28.000 --> 00:13:30.240
This is not fucking sustainable.
00:13:30.480 --> 00:13:32.559
This life is not fucking sustainable.
00:13:32.720 --> 00:13:35.200
This version of myself is not sustainable.
00:13:35.360 --> 00:13:37.919
I can't constantly feel incomplete.
00:13:38.159 --> 00:13:41.519
And then comes the question, okay, so what now?
00:13:41.679 --> 00:13:46.320
Because knowing something and acting on it are two completely different things.
00:13:46.559 --> 00:13:51.039
Because now I'm sitting there thinking to myself, I've gotta think about my mum.
00:13:51.120 --> 00:14:07.679
And let's be real, the hardest part, especially when you're someone that loves their mother deeply, that's very close to their mother, you know, it's not just someone, it's mother, it's mommy, it's mom, the woman who raised you, who sacrificed for you, who moved countries for you, who built a life from nothing for you.
00:14:07.840 --> 00:14:12.720
And now you're just about to say something that might not align with everything she believes.
00:14:13.039 --> 00:14:17.200
So I was, what do they call it, between a hard and a rock place.
00:14:17.519 --> 00:14:18.240
But stuck.
00:14:18.399 --> 00:14:21.039
Because on one side, I've you know, I've got my truth.
00:14:21.279 --> 00:14:28.320
On the other side, I have someone I don't want to hurt, and that's not an easy place to sit in at all.
00:14:28.799 --> 00:14:32.399
And people constantly love to simplify this type of shit.
00:14:32.559 --> 00:14:38.240
They'll say things like, just be honest, just tell her, she'll understand, will she?
00:14:38.559 --> 00:14:40.240
How do you fucking know that?
00:14:40.480 --> 00:14:42.320
How do you fucking know that?
00:14:42.559 --> 00:14:48.480
Because unless you've been in that fucking position, you do not understand the weight of it.
00:14:48.639 --> 00:14:49.360
You don't.
00:14:49.600 --> 00:14:54.559
So you will constantly sit with that for a long time, longer than people think.
00:14:54.720 --> 00:15:00.159
And it's not just thinking, it's the rehearsing, it's the over and over again.
00:15:00.399 --> 00:15:01.600
How do I say it?
00:15:01.759 --> 00:15:02.879
When do I say it?
00:15:03.039 --> 00:15:04.320
What words do I use?
00:15:04.480 --> 00:15:05.840
What if it goes left?
00:15:06.000 --> 00:15:07.360
What if she doesn't accept it?
00:15:07.519 --> 00:15:10.559
And the biggest one, what if this changes everything?
00:15:10.720 --> 00:15:15.120
Because shit like this does, it can, and that's the risk.
00:15:15.279 --> 00:15:19.840
That's the real risk of coming out in this context.
00:15:20.080 --> 00:15:26.159
It's not just about being seen, it's about potentially losing something or at least changing it.
00:15:26.320 --> 00:15:27.919
And you don't know how.
00:15:28.080 --> 00:15:30.240
So I delayed it for as long as I can.
00:15:30.399 --> 00:15:33.120
I told myself, not now, I'll do it later.
00:15:33.279 --> 00:15:35.200
Let me just focus on other things first.
00:15:35.360 --> 00:15:36.639
And life continued.
00:15:36.879 --> 00:15:41.279
And that thing that I was hiding, it just didn't go away.
00:15:41.440 --> 00:15:42.960
It just was there.
00:15:43.360 --> 00:15:44.000
Background.
00:15:44.240 --> 00:15:47.679
And over time, it became louder and louder and louder.
00:15:47.840 --> 00:15:55.600
It became more present, present, present, became more uncomfortable until it wasn't something that I could simply ignore anymore.
00:15:55.919 --> 00:16:09.759
So I reached that point when I realized when she obviously confronted me, if I don't say this, I'm going to constantly keep living half versions of myself, a half version of my life.
00:16:10.000 --> 00:16:11.440
I didn't want that anymore.
00:16:11.679 --> 00:16:12.720
So I did it.
00:16:12.960 --> 00:16:15.279
I'm not gonna lie and make it sound nice.
00:16:15.600 --> 00:16:31.759
It wasn't, it wasn't smooth, it wasn't perfectly worded, it wasn't one of those conversations where everything just clicks, it was uncomfortable, there were a lot of pauses, there were moments where I didn't even know how to explain myself properly.
00:16:32.000 --> 00:16:37.840
Because how do you explain something that you've spent years not saying out loud?
00:16:37.919 --> 00:16:51.200
And at the same time, I'm sitting there watching her reaction, I'm sitting there trying to read her body language, trying to understand what she's thinking, trying to figure it all out, what this means now.
00:16:51.440 --> 00:16:59.519
And that moment, that moment in itself is heavy because it's not just about what you're saying, it's about everything it represents.
00:16:59.759 --> 00:17:01.679
And once it's said, that's it.
00:17:01.759 --> 00:17:03.120
You can't have it back, right?
00:17:03.200 --> 00:17:05.039
You can't do anything about it.
00:17:05.200 --> 00:17:07.680
You're you've shifted something, right?
00:17:08.240 --> 00:17:18.559
And here's the part no one really talks about life after that type of conversation, because everyone focuses on the moment, right?
00:17:18.960 --> 00:17:20.880
But what happens after that moment?
00:17:21.279 --> 00:17:23.039
That's the real adjustment.
00:17:23.359 --> 00:17:25.920
That is the real shape shifter.
00:17:26.400 --> 00:17:40.960
Because now things are different, even if it's subtle, because it's one of those things where even if no one says it directly, you can feel it in conversations, in energy, in what's said and what's not said.
00:17:41.119 --> 00:17:51.200
And you have to learn to exist in that without shrinking yourself, without going back, without trying to undo what you said just to make things easier.
00:17:51.440 --> 00:17:54.480
And that's growth, real fucking growth.
00:17:54.640 --> 00:17:57.519
Not this fucking bullshit advice people give you.
00:17:57.599 --> 00:17:58.880
That's actual growth.
00:17:59.039 --> 00:18:06.400
You know, the kind that's uncomfortable almost, where you're standing in your own truth and you're trying to figure out how to maintain it.
00:18:06.559 --> 00:18:19.519
And at the same time, you are learning something about yourself properly for the first time, without any filters, without any edits, without hiding.
00:18:19.759 --> 00:18:22.400
And that in itself is a strange feeling.
00:18:22.559 --> 00:18:26.240
I had to sit back and just think, yo, so this is me?
00:18:26.480 --> 00:18:27.599
Is this me now?
00:18:28.000 --> 00:18:29.200
Is this me now?
00:18:29.519 --> 00:18:35.920
No adjustments, no switching, no managing, just me, just me.
00:18:36.160 --> 00:18:43.200
And it took time to get used to that because I spent so long, so fucking long in my life adapting.
00:18:43.359 --> 00:18:47.359
You know, you just you don't immediately know how to just be.
00:18:47.680 --> 00:18:50.799
And once you start, you realize something.
00:18:51.039 --> 00:18:58.480
And I realized in that moment after that this feels better, it's uncomfortable, but better.
00:18:58.640 --> 00:19:18.000
And that's when the shift happens because now I'm not just building my life around what's acceptable, I'm actually building it around what's true, and that changed everything for me, completely changed because I'm now living for me rather than for others.
00:19:18.160 --> 00:19:21.920
You know, I'm more honest with myself, you know, about my life.
00:19:22.079 --> 00:19:24.240
I'm not hiding the same way anymore.
00:19:24.400 --> 00:19:28.480
And naturally, you start building a life that feels more aligned.
00:19:28.640 --> 00:19:32.240
And for me, that comes in in the form of relationships.
00:19:32.400 --> 00:19:36.079
And at the time, there was one relationship that that felt solid.
00:19:36.400 --> 00:19:38.480
It felt very fucking solid.
00:19:38.640 --> 00:19:44.640
You know, it wasn't confusing, it wasn't chaotic, it wasn't one of those situations where I'm constantly guessing.
00:19:44.880 --> 00:19:49.359
It was very stable, it was very comfortable, it was very safe.
00:19:49.599 --> 00:19:52.480
And after everything, that felt good.
00:19:52.720 --> 00:19:59.279
Like I finally, you know, found something in my life that wasn't in survival mode at all.
00:19:59.440 --> 00:20:03.759
And when you find that kind of stability, you tend to lean into it, isn't it?
00:20:04.000 --> 00:20:10.880
You build around it because now you're thinking, okay, this is it, this is the life that I've been trying to get to.
00:20:11.119 --> 00:20:14.640
And we built properly, not on a surface level.
00:20:14.799 --> 00:20:16.480
I'm talking in real life.
00:20:16.720 --> 00:20:28.559
You know, the whole living together, sharing a space, sharing responsibilities, sharing pets, sharing finances, sharing routines, everything.
00:20:28.799 --> 00:20:31.680
And this is something that a lot of people don't talk about.
00:20:32.000 --> 00:20:35.599
And that's what it means to actually share life with someone.
00:20:35.839 --> 00:20:41.359
Because it's not just the dates and the vibes, it's the who's doing the food shop?
00:20:41.519 --> 00:20:42.880
Who's paying what?
00:20:43.119 --> 00:20:44.480
What time are we eating?
00:20:44.720 --> 00:20:46.160
What are we watching tonight?
00:20:46.400 --> 00:20:47.759
Who's doing the cleaning?
00:20:48.000 --> 00:20:49.599
What's the plan this weekend?
00:20:49.759 --> 00:20:54.880
It's everyday stuff, boring stuff, the real motherfucking shit, you know?
00:20:55.039 --> 00:20:57.119
That is the real fucking stuff.
00:20:57.279 --> 00:21:04.319
And for me, that what that's what made it feel like home because it was consistent, it was predictable, it was familiar.
00:21:04.480 --> 00:21:14.160
And after a life that's been full of changes, full of starting over and over, that kind of consistency at the time, it felt like a win, a complete win.
00:21:14.319 --> 00:21:19.119
And I think when you're in something for that long, it becomes your normal.
00:21:19.279 --> 00:21:23.200
You stop questioning it, you just live in it.
00:21:23.359 --> 00:21:32.960
And for someone that's been in a life that was so contained, where I was living one life outside and one life inside the house, I was very happy to just live in it.
00:21:33.279 --> 00:21:35.680
And that's where things started to get tricky.
00:21:35.839 --> 00:21:40.880
Because when someone or something becomes your normal, you don't notice where it starts to shift.
00:21:41.119 --> 00:21:44.160
I can't exactly tell you when it changed.
00:21:44.319 --> 00:21:45.680
That's the annoying part.
00:21:45.759 --> 00:21:46.720
That wasn't a moment.
00:21:46.799 --> 00:21:50.880
There was no big arguments, there was no, yeah, this is where it went wrong.
00:21:51.039 --> 00:21:52.960
You know, it was very stable life.
00:21:53.119 --> 00:21:55.200
It was very subtle, very subtle.
00:21:55.440 --> 00:21:59.759
Everything still looks the same on the outside, but something obviously.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:01.920
You felt different on the inside.
00:22:02.480 --> 00:22:12.640
You know, when you're doing the same routine, when you're still living together, or you're still functioning as a couple, but you know there's a slight disconnect.
00:22:12.799 --> 00:22:13.440
You get me?
00:22:13.599 --> 00:22:15.200
There's a slight disconnect.
00:22:15.440 --> 00:22:17.920
And I think at first I try to ignore it, maybe.
00:22:18.079 --> 00:22:19.440
You know, I'm only a human being.
00:22:19.599 --> 00:22:21.119
Uh, don't pop the bear.
00:22:21.680 --> 00:22:30.160
Because if it's not big enough to address it, you know, you tend to tell yourself it's just a face, we're just comfortable, this is what long-term relationships are like.
00:22:30.400 --> 00:22:32.400
And to be fair, some of that is true.
00:22:32.640 --> 00:22:42.400
Long-term relationships do change, they're not always exciting, they're not always intense, but for me, it felt very different.
00:22:42.640 --> 00:22:45.440
It felt like I was there, but I wasn't fully there.
00:22:45.680 --> 00:22:46.799
Do you know what I mean?
00:22:47.119 --> 00:22:55.200
And as if I was just kind of going through the motions, I was doing everything right, but not feeling it the same way.
00:22:55.359 --> 00:22:58.079
And it's always a hard thing to admit, isn't it?
00:22:58.400 --> 00:23:02.799
Because when nothing is technically wrong, then what are you even fixing?
00:23:03.119 --> 00:23:08.319
And you know, I guess like any human being, I guess I started to negotiate with myself.
00:23:08.480 --> 00:23:12.480
You know, maybe I just need to try harder, maybe I'm the problem.
00:23:12.799 --> 00:23:17.119
Very easy to blame yourself than to accept that something might actually be off.
00:23:17.279 --> 00:23:22.240
So you tend to then try and try and put in the effort to show up.
00:23:22.480 --> 00:23:24.319
You do everything you're supposed to do.
00:23:24.480 --> 00:23:27.599
And that feeling, hmm, it doesn't go away.
00:23:27.759 --> 00:23:32.559
And over time it gets harder to ignore because now it's not just a thought, it's a knowing.
00:23:32.640 --> 00:23:35.680
And that's where things get very uncomfortable, isn't it?
00:23:35.920 --> 00:23:41.759
Because I feel like the moment I realized, like the moment I realized I knew, I just couldn't unknow it.
00:23:41.839 --> 00:23:44.240
And now I was obviously faced with a decision.
00:23:44.400 --> 00:23:53.920
Stay in this situation, in this relationship, or keep everything as it is, because it works, or leave and disrupt my entire life again, start over, again.
00:23:54.079 --> 00:23:56.480
And let's be honest, staying is always easier, isn't it?
00:23:56.640 --> 00:24:02.480
You don't have to explain anything, you don't have to move, you don't have to split anything, you don't have to deal with the emotional mess.
00:24:02.640 --> 00:24:04.000
You just tend to continue.
00:24:04.240 --> 00:24:06.559
And for a while, that's what I considered.
00:24:06.880 --> 00:24:09.519
Because, you know, do I really want to start over again?
00:24:09.680 --> 00:24:12.880
Like genuinely, again, after everything.
00:24:13.039 --> 00:24:15.119
I wanted to be fucking serious with myself.
00:24:15.359 --> 00:24:18.000
And, you know, I had to ask myself a real question.
00:24:18.240 --> 00:24:21.839
Am I staying because this is right or because it's comfortable?
00:24:22.079 --> 00:24:29.680
That question, that one would explain to everything because comfort and alignment are not the same thing.
00:24:29.920 --> 00:24:32.559
And that's when I realized I was very comfortable.
00:24:32.640 --> 00:24:35.279
I was so comfortable, but I wasn't aligned.
00:24:35.440 --> 00:24:38.960
And staying in something like that, it would have cost me a lot.
00:24:39.119 --> 00:24:43.119
Not immediately, maybe, not you know, dramatically, but slowly.
00:24:43.200 --> 00:24:44.960
It would have fucking cost me.
00:24:45.200 --> 00:24:48.799
So, you know, I started feeling disconnected from my own life.
00:24:48.960 --> 00:24:54.640
You know, I'm watching myself live it, but instead of actually being in it, and I didn't want that.
00:24:54.799 --> 00:24:58.400
So I made a decision, and it was a big, big decision.
00:24:58.640 --> 00:25:02.960
It was that type of decision where you're like, this isn't it anymore.
00:25:03.200 --> 00:25:07.119
And I think that made it harder because I didn't have any anger.
00:25:07.279 --> 00:25:12.240
I didn't care about who was the villain, I didn't care about the obvious reasons, I just cared about the truth.
00:25:12.319 --> 00:25:14.319
And the truth is always heavy.
00:25:14.559 --> 00:25:24.960
The truth is always heavy, and then that's when life decided to add a little twist because this decision, this moment, hey, it landed on my 30th birthday.
00:25:25.039 --> 00:25:26.720
Out of all the days, my 30th.
00:25:26.880 --> 00:25:29.359
And I just remember thinking this is actually fucking insane.
00:25:29.519 --> 00:25:33.920
Because birthdays are supposed to be about celebration, reflection, joy.
00:25:34.079 --> 00:25:37.599
And I'm sitting there, I'm about to break my own heart.
00:25:37.920 --> 00:25:39.519
And that's what it felt like.
00:25:39.839 --> 00:25:40.319
Go on.
00:25:40.559 --> 00:25:47.839
People think breakups are always about the other person, but sometimes it's genuinely about letting go of a version of your life.
00:25:48.000 --> 00:25:52.799
And that shit does hurt because it's not just the emotional aspect, it's the practical.
00:25:52.960 --> 00:25:53.759
Do you know what I mean?
00:25:53.839 --> 00:25:56.160
It's it's it's a hard thing to sit with.
00:25:56.559 --> 00:26:00.240
And it's also something that no one kind of prepares you for that part.
00:26:00.559 --> 00:26:06.720
Because it's you know, I had to look back and think, it's not just we broke up, it's my whole entire routine's gone.
00:26:06.880 --> 00:26:12.240
The little things, the normal things that I didn't even realize this mattered type things.
00:26:12.480 --> 00:26:13.519
It was all gone.
00:26:13.759 --> 00:26:20.319
And now I found myself being by myself, and at first it felt really calm.
00:26:20.480 --> 00:26:24.079
I sat there and I said to myself, okay, maybe I needed this.
00:26:24.240 --> 00:26:25.119
This is peaceful.
00:26:25.279 --> 00:26:33.599
And a few days would go, and I would look in the mirror and think, okay, but is this peace or is this just very quiet loneliness?
00:26:33.839 --> 00:26:35.920
Because the silence hits different.
00:26:36.160 --> 00:26:42.000
You know, there was no one to talk about random things with, there was no one to share my day with, no one was just there.
00:26:42.160 --> 00:26:43.759
And I had to get used to that.
00:26:44.000 --> 00:26:47.359
I'm not gonna lie, there were moments where I questioned everything.
00:26:47.519 --> 00:26:49.680
Where I said, Did I make the right decision?
00:26:49.839 --> 00:26:51.119
Was this necessary?
00:26:51.359 --> 00:26:53.039
Could I have just stayed?
00:26:53.279 --> 00:26:56.720
Because even when you choose yourself, it doesn't mean it feels good immediately.
00:26:56.880 --> 00:26:57.759
Do you know what I mean?
00:26:58.000 --> 00:26:59.839
It still felt like a loss.
00:27:00.160 --> 00:27:07.200
And I had to sit with that while still functioning, while still working, while still showing up in life.
00:27:07.359 --> 00:27:10.880
And to me, that's the real version of starting over.
00:27:11.200 --> 00:27:20.160
Not a clean one, it wasn't a clean slate, it was a messy middle where I'm grieving and rebuilding all at the same time.
00:27:20.400 --> 00:27:27.359
And just when I thought, okay, let me stabilize here, life then turned around again and said, ah, no, not yet.
00:27:27.519 --> 00:27:31.200
So now I've left the relationship, I'm by myself again.
00:27:31.519 --> 00:27:32.720
Life is quiet.
00:27:32.960 --> 00:27:34.640
Gosh, I hate the quiet sometimes.
00:27:34.720 --> 00:27:36.319
It's a it was a bit too quiet.
00:27:36.480 --> 00:27:39.039
And naturally, you know, this happens to all of us.
00:27:39.200 --> 00:27:40.720
Your brain does what it always does.
00:27:40.880 --> 00:27:44.559
It looks for something to focus on, something to control, something to build.
00:27:44.880 --> 00:27:47.519
Because sitting still, that's not really my thing.
00:27:47.680 --> 00:27:49.519
It's genuinely not really my thing.
00:27:49.759 --> 00:27:51.839
And I threw myself into work.
00:27:52.079 --> 00:27:56.559
It wasn't accidental, it was a very intentional thing for me to do.
00:27:56.720 --> 00:27:58.400
You know, I just said, you know what, cool.
00:27:58.559 --> 00:28:02.799
If everything else in my life is uncertain, let me at least lock this one thing in.
00:28:02.960 --> 00:28:06.079
So I shifted, I just continued working.
00:28:06.240 --> 00:28:11.920
I worked, worked, worked, and I went all in time, energy, focus.
00:28:12.079 --> 00:28:16.000
Because if there's one thing about me, I will figure it out.
00:28:16.160 --> 00:28:18.400
And the crazy part, it worked.
00:28:18.480 --> 00:28:20.240
Like it actually worked.
00:28:20.480 --> 00:28:26.480
You know, I worked so hard, I was very comfortable, opportunities were coming, things were growing.
00:28:26.720 --> 00:28:30.960
But from the outside, it did look like I finally cracked it.
00:28:31.119 --> 00:28:33.119
That I'd finally cracked life.
00:28:33.359 --> 00:28:36.960
You know, that moment where people always talk about where it's like, oh yeah, that's it.
00:28:37.039 --> 00:28:38.079
I made the right decision.
00:28:38.240 --> 00:28:39.599
And that's what it looked like.
00:28:39.839 --> 00:28:41.839
I can't stand here and lie.
00:28:42.319 --> 00:28:44.559
A part of me was, you know, quite happy.
00:28:44.640 --> 00:28:46.240
And I said, okay, finally.
00:28:46.480 --> 00:28:53.119
Because after everything, after all that, starting over, it felt like things were aligning.
00:28:53.519 --> 00:28:57.599
It was very much in line with how I wanted things to go.
00:28:57.680 --> 00:28:59.680
But internally, it was a different story.
00:28:59.920 --> 00:29:04.400
Because while everything else was growing externally, I was declining internally.
00:29:04.480 --> 00:29:06.240
And it wasn't obvious at first.
00:29:06.400 --> 00:29:07.759
It started small.
00:29:07.920 --> 00:29:15.599
You know, the I was feeling a bit tired, I was feeling a bit off, I wasn't as motivated, and I try to ignore it.
00:29:15.759 --> 00:29:16.880
And that's what I do.
00:29:17.119 --> 00:29:21.680
Just push through to normal, adjust, standard.
00:29:21.839 --> 00:29:27.200
And then it just kept going and going and going and going until things just got heavier.
00:29:27.680 --> 00:29:29.200
Mentally, I was fucked.
00:29:29.359 --> 00:29:31.519
Emotionally, I was fucked.
00:29:31.839 --> 00:29:35.279
And I started to notice that I wasn't really enjoying it.
00:29:35.519 --> 00:29:42.880
Even when things were going so well, you know, in friendships, in my work, everything was going so well.
00:29:43.039 --> 00:29:48.720
And that to me, that was the confusing part because I'm sitting there like, yo, this is what I wanted.
00:29:48.880 --> 00:29:51.119
I wanted these things to work out for me.
00:29:51.359 --> 00:29:56.640
I wanted to be successful at these things, but why does it feel different to how it should feel?
00:29:56.880 --> 00:30:00.319
And I realized success doesn't automatically equal peace.
00:30:00.480 --> 00:30:03.680
You know, you could be doing well but still not feel okay.
00:30:03.920 --> 00:30:09.519
And I found myself in that space where everything looked right but also felt wrong.
00:30:09.839 --> 00:30:17.680
And I think that was one of the hardest positions in life I could have ever been because I didn't have anything external to blame.
00:30:17.920 --> 00:30:22.240
It wasn't my environment, it wasn't about other people, it was about me.
00:30:22.400 --> 00:30:29.279
And it's an uncomfortable conversation to have with yourself because at the end you still have to be honest.
00:30:29.440 --> 00:30:37.440
And I had to ask myself a real question: do I really have the capacity to keep going the way I have been going?
00:30:37.599 --> 00:30:38.799
And the answer was no.
00:30:39.039 --> 00:30:43.920
Not because I wasn't capable, but because I realized mentally I was declining.
00:30:44.079 --> 00:30:54.480
I was doing things at work, going out, you know, I was trying to just be great at certain things that I'd have forgotten to take care of me internally.
00:30:54.960 --> 00:30:57.279
Because logically the answer was obvious.
00:30:57.440 --> 00:31:01.519
I should have slowed down and started slowly, you know.
00:31:01.759 --> 00:31:04.240
And it just, everything just felt very heavy.
00:31:04.480 --> 00:31:07.519
And like I said, emotionally I was really drained.
00:31:07.759 --> 00:31:10.160
Because I just I was so drained.
00:31:10.400 --> 00:31:14.319
And I knew if I kept going like this, I'm gonna burn out properly.
00:31:14.559 --> 00:31:27.599
And I found myself at a position where mentally and emotionally I couldn't function anymore, and I didn't recognize myself anymore, and I kind of just didn't want to continue that way.
00:31:27.839 --> 00:31:29.680
It was beyond the point it should be.
00:31:29.839 --> 00:31:30.960
So I made a decision.
00:31:31.119 --> 00:31:32.480
I stopped working for a while.
00:31:32.640 --> 00:31:39.680
It was a hard thing to do, but I stepped back, I shut things down, I paused everything, and from the outside, it made zero sense.
00:31:39.839 --> 00:31:41.920
You know, friends were saying to me, Wait, what?
00:31:42.000 --> 00:31:44.319
You were doing so well, why would you stop now?
00:31:44.559 --> 00:31:52.079
And I get it, everything was fantastic, but I feel like I had to start over again because I needed to take care of me.
00:31:52.240 --> 00:31:58.000
I needed to take care of myself internally, and I couldn't just continue living the way I was living.
00:31:58.160 --> 00:32:00.240
I knew that it wasn't sustainable.
00:32:00.400 --> 00:32:08.559
So I chose myself, I took a bit of time off, I reset, and yeah, that meant starting over again and again.
00:32:08.799 --> 00:32:18.000
But this time it did feel different to start over because I was finally prioritizing myself, I was prioritizing my health, it didn't feel forced.
00:32:18.160 --> 00:32:20.960
It wasn't, oh, life is just happening to me.
00:32:21.119 --> 00:32:34.240
It was just me choosing myself, you know, choosing to start again from a different perspective, from a different point in life, with no distraction, no busy schedule, no constant movements, just me, myself, and I.
00:32:34.400 --> 00:32:42.559
And whilst that might be uncomfortable at times, I realized that there was a lot of things that I was avoiding from my whole life.
00:32:42.720 --> 00:32:50.880
You know, all the thoughts, all the emotions, all the questions that I avoided whenever I've had to start life again, realized I couldn't outrun them.
00:32:50.960 --> 00:32:53.519
You know, so I sat there and I said, okay, but who am I actually?
00:32:53.680 --> 00:32:57.200
Without relationships, without the work, without the constant rebuilding.
00:32:57.359 --> 00:32:59.440
And that's when things started to make sense.
00:32:59.680 --> 00:33:04.079
And for the first time I realized I wasn't just reacting, I was actually reflecting.
00:33:04.160 --> 00:33:15.200
And I realized that I hadn't been failing at anything, whether it was the relationship with my mother, whether it was the relationships with my ex-partner, whether it was the relationships with my work.
00:33:15.279 --> 00:33:22.079
I've just simply been evolving and it might not look how it's expected to look, but I was evolving.
00:33:22.240 --> 00:33:25.920
Like I said, at eight, I had to adapt to a whole new country.
00:33:26.079 --> 00:33:29.039
At 26, I had to choose truth over comfort.
00:33:29.200 --> 00:33:37.039
At 30, I had to walk away from a close to a six-year relationship, and then I walked away from something that was working to protect my mental health.
00:33:37.200 --> 00:33:40.640
And of course, at 32, it feels like I'm starting over again.
00:33:40.799 --> 00:33:43.440
I've just had so many multiple recets.
00:33:43.599 --> 00:33:47.680
I realized that doesn't just mean I'm behind, it just means I've lived differently.
00:33:47.839 --> 00:33:50.880
And over time, once I understood that, everything shifted.
00:33:51.039 --> 00:33:54.960
Because now I'm not just looking at my life to be like, why am I here?
00:33:55.119 --> 00:33:58.319
I'm looking at it like, look how many times I've rebuilt.
00:33:58.400 --> 00:34:08.159
And that alone builds confidence, not loud confidence, quiet confidence, you know, the kind where you know no matter what happens, you will figure it out.
00:34:08.400 --> 00:34:12.400
You will figure out life because you've done it before multiple times.
00:34:12.559 --> 00:34:18.000
So yeah, I'm 32 and my life doesn't look how I thought it would.
00:34:18.159 --> 00:34:23.519
But if I'm being honest, I actually respect it more because everything in it has been chosen.
00:34:23.679 --> 00:34:27.119
Even the hard decisions, especially the hard decisions.
00:34:27.280 --> 00:34:30.559
And I think that's what starting over really teaches you.
00:34:30.719 --> 00:34:35.760
It teaches you how to trust yourself, not when things are easy, but when things are certain.
00:34:35.920 --> 00:34:38.480
If there's one thing I know, it's this, right?
00:34:38.719 --> 00:34:40.719
Starting over isn't the problem.
00:34:40.880 --> 00:34:47.840
Avoiding it is because the longer that you stay in something that doesn't fit, the more you lose yourself.
00:34:48.079 --> 00:34:54.639
And I would rather rebuild 10 motherfucking times than to stay stuck once.
