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Welcome back to another episode of the Significant Coaching Podcast.
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I'm your host, Matt Rogers.
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I have another solo episode for you today before we get back to talking to great college coaches over the next couple of weeks.
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We've got some really good guests coming up, and I'm excited to share with you in those conversations.
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But today, I wanna talk about the idea of coaching with ego, or more importantly, coaching without ego, and what we need to do to put students first when we're coaching Like anything in our world today, whether it's politics, music, literature, local colloquialisms, or whatever it may be, words tend to take on their own definitions.
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Sometimes we use words the wrong way to make a point.
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Sometimes we over-exaggerate them.
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And I think ego is one of those words.
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So I wanna start by defining ego, at least the definition I wanna use today.
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Ego, by definition, is a sense of self, how you see yourself, your importance, your place in the world.
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And There's a positive way to look at ego from that standpoint.
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I'm a parent, I'm a teacher, I'm a fireman, I'm a nurse, I'm a doctor, I'm an athlete.
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Whatever that may be, it's how you see yourself and the importance you place on that role.
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And I'll have to admit, as a younger coach, my ego was probably greatly inflated without even trying, because I wanted to be really good at coaching.
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I loved it.
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I was passionate about it, and I still am.
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But what's changed over these last 30 years is how I perceive myself as a coach.
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It used to be that coaching was how I defined myself.
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I was Coach Rogers.
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I was Coach Matt.
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I was a head high school coach, and then I was a head college coach, big time, you know?
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That was important to me.
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That defined me, or at least I thought it did, but it really didn't.
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It was a title, yes.
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It was my job, yes.
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But my ego made me feel like I had to do something great with it.
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I had to win.
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I had to win championships.
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I had to bring in great players.
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I needed to earn their respect by proving I knew what I was teaching them, and I knew what I was talking about.
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There were times when I felt like I needed to be dominant as that coach, and I'm not that guy anymore.
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Do I still love to win?
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Absolutely.
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Do I still hate to lose?
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Yeah.
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I'm still not a big fan of losing, but those things aren't as important to me anymore.
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They're way down the list of why I value coaching.
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For me, it's about the relationship.
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It's about that opportunity to be with a group of young men or young women and truly connect with them, engage with them, and encourage them do the same, And really make sure they know I'm there for them.
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Not that I'm going to be life-changing.
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I don't think that anymore.
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Not that I'm going to change their life for the better or the worse, but I'm going to be there for them when they need to talk, or they need support in some shape or form.
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And, and I don't want there to be any variables to that.
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I want them to know that that's always there, and that's a part of the healthy side of ego A healthy ego supports confidence and self-respect.
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You might say that people who don't have great self-worth or self-value don't have a big enough ego.
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They don't see themselves as important enough or lovable or deserve that job or that career or that relationship they greatly crave.
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Let me tell you, I've definitely been down that road where I've doubted my value.
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I've doubted my worth.
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On the other side is that inflated ego or defensive ego, and that can make it really difficult to accept criticism, admitted mistakes, or put others ahead of your own needs.
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And I'm sure I went down that road as well, whether I knew it or not.
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So today, I wanna talk about coaching without ego.
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And again, you're always going to have ego and need that ego, but it shouldn't make you bigger than the game or the relationships.
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With ego, I, I can't help it.
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I've got 30 years of experience.
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I've been coaching, I've been building practices, winning games, losing games.
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I've learned a lot.
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This podcast is a great example of that.
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As you've heard me say many times, this has been a master class for me.
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I've gotten to spend high quality time with some of the best coaches in the country.
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I've learned a lot from them.
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They've shared generously with me, and they've made me so much better in how I see my profession, how I go about my business, how I wanna take care of my teams and the people I love, and the, the kind of relationships I wanna have with those people I love the ego side of that too, but it's not everything anymore.
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My ego isn't defined by me being a coach, but when I am a coach, I want my students to be first.
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So let's dive into that.
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How do we coach without ego?
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I think the first thing is really getting to know our players.
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And with teenagers, especially this generation, sometimes it's hard to get them to have a conversation.
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It's hard to get them to open up.
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I'm not sure a lot of them, especially on the male side, believe they have much to share.
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At least they don't think about it all the time.
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And when they do sometimes, uh, sometimes they are embarrassed to share what they're thinking about, so they just stay quiet.
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So the big thing for me is engaging young men and young women and asking them questions, giving them a chance to show they have the answers.
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What makes you happy?
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Why do you play?
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What joy do you get out of it?
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Or do you not get joy out of it?
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And that's okay if you don't.
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Do you play for certain reasons?
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And what are those reasons?
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Coaching without ego isn't just asking those questions and learning about your players, it's really listening and then adjusting how you coach to what those individuals tell you.
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What's hard about being a team sport coach, whether you're coaching baseball, volleyball, football, basketball, whatever it may be, is that you've got a group of young people in front of you, and you're often coaching the body of that group, the team, the group itself.
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But it's really important that you continue to focus on your coaching the individual as much as you can, and it's hard to do that publicly.
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I think where I succeeded and failed at the same time during my long tenure as a head college coach was that there were times where I didn't think about both sides of that.
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It was all for me about getting from point A to point B.
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We're not good at this, I gotta get them here.
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Okay, now we're at point B, now we've gotta get to point C.
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All right, now all of a sudden B isn't good enough.
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Now we gotta go back and, and put more effort into point B.
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And that was really my focus as a coach.
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Instead of saying,"Dang, I gotta grab this kid today.
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He's not getting it," or,"He's not engaging with us," and make sure he knows or she knows I'm paying attention to them.
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Or we're in the middle of a drill.
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I need to be better at letting my assistants run that drill while I get behind a couple of guys, get in their ear a little bit, and tell them,"Hey, you're doing really good.
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You got this.
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Keep working hard.
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I'm seeing it.
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You're really close." And really work to keep their ego strong, right?
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Now, there are certain kids whose ego is plenty strong.
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We've had those kids, haven't we?
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So I've gotta do the other side of this.
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I've gotta go,"Hey, what could you have done differently in that situation that would have been better for the team, for, for the group?
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What could you have done there for, let's say, Jimmy in the corner?
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Could you have attacked and dumped that pass off to him instead of forcing a tough shot under that, over that big guy?" But not doing it publicly.
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That's where I think I both failed and succeeded.
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Too often I would coach and teach and inspire and chastise publicly And I'm, I'm not talking about in the news or online, I'm talking about in my gym.
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And I don't think you can do that with this generation the same way anymore.
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Just because of how they live and the public focus of social media, and everyone knowing each other's private business, kids take things personally.
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And I think they shell up way too fast because of it, and I can't blame them for that.
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They don't have the life experience to help them know that is noise, and that noise isn't real.
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So when I do something publicly in front of the team, uh, when my comments to an individual are heard by everybody, as a coach, I have to be really careful about what I say and how I say it.
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Sometimes the kids who don't have that great ego need me to say something in front of the team.
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They need me to go,"Hey, that's how we block out, everybody.
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Did you see what Jared just did there?
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How he hit, and he turned, and he drove his man?
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That's how we block out.
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Great example, Jared." That's where I was really good as a coach.
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That's when I shined as a coach, at least that's what I believe.
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I was really good at identifying who needed a little boost, who needed to know that they're, they were important to me, they were important to the team, and that they were doing really well.
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Even though the stats and the playing time might not showed it, that public support reminds them that my biggest job as a coach is to teach and celebrate.
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It then inspires the other players on the team to improve that skill, like Jared, because I made a public point of it And I showed the importance of it.
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Now, on the other side of that, too often I chastised an individual in front of the group.
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That's where I failed too much.
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Sometimes we need that too, though.
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Sometimes that kid with the big ego, the rest of the team needs to know that I'm treating him fairly.
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And again, fairly, not equally.
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There's a big distinction.
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Equally is a difficult word in a team setting.
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Not everybody gets the same opportunities or time.
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Not everyone has earned that before they step on the athletic surface.
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The rest of the team needs to know,"All right, this kid, he's averaging 22 points per game.
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He's really carrying us, but he can be criticized.
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He can be challenged.
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Coach is going to be hard on him like he is on us," and that's important.
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But maybe I've gotta do a better job privately with that kid before and after practice.
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I need to say to that kid that's scoring 22 a game, I need to say,"Hey, before practice today, I want you to know you're doing really well.
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I'm really proud of you.
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But today, I'm gonna push you a little bit harder than normal.
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I might speak up and challenge you in front of your teammates." And I gotta tell him why.
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"I want your team to understand that even though you're getting a lot of shots and scoring a lot for us, you're still one of the guys.
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You're still one of 15.
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I don't want you to lose that.
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I want them to believe that as well.
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Is that okay if I push you a little bit today?" And I wanna hear confirmation back from that kid that it is okay.
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Then after practice, I go back to him privately and I say,"Hey, I hope I didn't push you too hard today.
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Was that okay what we did together?" And maybe he says, because I was proactive with this, he says,"Yeah, Coach, that was great.
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I understand why you did it.
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It didn't affect me at all because you, you prepped me for it, and I know I've got to work on those things, and there's a reason you kind of barked at me.
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But thanks for letting me know in advance, and thanks for checking in on me after." Okay.
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That's who I wanna be as a coach, and that's the relationship I want with my players.
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That's the give and take I want.
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That's taking the ego out of it.
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It's also how I like to develop leaders and give kids the opportunity to model the right kinds of leadership.
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And those kind of things, that's what I'm talking about with coaching without ego, because the coaching is shared, and it's expected from my players.
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The kids who don't wanna coach or lead or share, they can sometimes struggle in my program.
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Those are the kids I have to talk to and example communication and leadership with in smaller and less intimidating and less public ways.
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I think too often when you're a head college coach, you've been coaching as long as I have, there are things you absolutely know that kids don't understand yet.
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I have to be really honest with myself that even though I probably know the game better than these kids, and I probably know what's going to happen on the court a lot earlier than they're gonna feel it or understand it, I have to remember that I'm still a part of this team.
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I know the pitfalls of what happens when certain things occur.
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I know the really great things that can happen when we do things the right way.
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It's truly a game of chess.
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And the longer you play it, the more you start to see the moves further down the road.
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But I'm also part of the relationship I want with my players.
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And it's important that I don't take that whole idea for granted.
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I need to be open-minded that they may see different moves down the road, down the board than I do, and those moves might be just as effective, but in a completely different way.
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So coaching without ego can be as simple as grabbing your captains after practice and going,"Hey, how was practice today?" We've got a big game on Friday.
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It's Tuesday right now.
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Are there things you're seeing that you want me to implement tomorrow?
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Are there things that you want to implement tomorrow?
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I'd like to hear your voices more.
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Are you guys comfortable with that?
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Are there drills you want to do more?
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Are there things you want me to get out of the way tomorrow that you know we gotta do?
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Are there things you wanna do Wednesday and Thursday to get us better prepared?
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And really sharing that leadership with them and giving them more ownership over where we're headed and what the results might be.
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And then when they say,"Yeah, coach, we wanna run this drill," or,"Coach, when we're not doing well, we're gonna speak up more.
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Just give us more time.
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Give us a blink, give us a wink, tilt your chin a little bit and wait a little bit.
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Let us know this needs to be stopped and corrected, and we'll do it instead of you always having to do it or one of the assistants always having to do it.
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So part of coaching without ego is learning when to create a void for your players to step into.
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I love Socrates.
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I love the Socratic method, and I won't get into the depth of it'cause I probably won't do a very good job of defining it, but I'll define it in my way.
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A big part of the Socratic method is that instead of telling somebody what to do, you ask them about the situation, and you help lead them to coming up with their own answer.
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And oftentimes on a basketball court or a football field or a baseball, softball field, especially in a sporting situation, kids know the answer, but it's not popping into their head like it would be for me, who's been doing this forever.
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I know the answer because I've asked the question 1,000 times.
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I've answered it.
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I've studied it.
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I've experienced it.
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Kids might have experienced it one time, or they may have never experienced what I'm talking about.
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But I wanna make it logical enough that I want them to use their own logic and practicality to fill that void.
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So the Socratic method is really about asking questions, and then asking follow-up questions to get to that answer.
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Does it take a little bit longer?
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Yes.
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But instead of me giving them the answer or telling the answer, I'm letting them answer those questions, and then ask their own questions, and giving them the space and the time to do so.
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I love that.
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That's where ownership comes into this.
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I love that part of coaching.
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But really the hardest part of coaching, in my perspective, especially at the high school level, where I've done most of my work over the last 10 years, is that oftentimes I don't get the sense that kids love the game as much as I do.
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They're not as passionate about learning the game as I am.
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They're not as excited about getting better at their skills and f- finding a place to go play and get better when no one's watching, and then learning the game as much as I want them to be learning it.
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So part of coaching without ego is helping them find that love, that passion, and that excitement, but also being okay when they don't love it as much as you do.
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But then there's the importance of sharing your love as a coach, sharing that passion, sharing your experiences, letting them know that this is important to you But it's also giving them the toolbox and the direction so they can go,"Wow, I know how to do this better.
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I wanna get better at it." Because if they don't have that foundation, that toolbox, if they don't have that skill set, how can we expect them to love doing something they don't know how to do?
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Let's take a big post player, for example.
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If they don't have good feet, and they don't know how to use their feet, They don't have a post move series, they don't understand pivots and pump fakes, and how to use their body, and how to use leverage, it's important for me to give that post player those tools.
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And oftentimes, that's what gets them excited.
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My relationship with my dad is a perfect example of this.
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I was the youngest of five kids.
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My brothers are 12 and 15 years older than me, and I think my dad taught them more about construction, and electricity, and plumbing, and how to fix things around the house than he did with me.
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So they have a little bit more of that knowledge than I have, especially my middle brother.
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And since I was never really taught that stuff, I get a little frustrated when I have to do that work around the house because I don't feel like I have a mastery of it.
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I can YouTube it, I can look it up, I can do all those things, but I'm still doubting myself.
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Whereas when I was a teenager, my parents bought this little local restaurant.
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So when I was 14, I was a cook.
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I was learning how to cook.
00:19:11.212 --> 00:19:13.684
I could cook eggs, and hash browns, and bacon, and sausage.
00:19:13.686 --> 00:19:14.875
I could make a lot of dishes.
00:19:14.875 --> 00:19:16.321
I knew how to make pancake batter.
00:19:16.520 --> 00:19:17.747
I knew how to serve people.
00:19:17.750 --> 00:19:19.019
I knew how to run a register.
00:19:19.019 --> 00:19:20.741
I knew how to wait tables.
00:19:20.949 --> 00:19:26.818
I knew how to use a mop and clean a toilet, and I did that every week for the better part of five years.
00:19:28.091 --> 00:19:30.070
So I feel really good in a kitchen.
00:19:30.501 --> 00:19:37.343
If you ask me to make something, even if I've never made it before, I'm probably gonna figure it out, and I could probably make it and make it taste really good.
00:19:37.817 --> 00:19:43.636
But when it comes to construction, and plumbing, and electricity, I don't love it'cause I don't have the background in it.
00:19:44.098 --> 00:19:45.775
And if I did, I think I would love it.
00:19:45.866 --> 00:19:47.219
I think I would build things.
00:19:47.222 --> 00:19:51.744
I think I would fix things around the house more, and I think that would be a lot of fun for me.
00:19:52.294 --> 00:20:02.009
Right now, I have to pay somebody hundreds of dollars to do it because they're an expert and I'm not, and I'd rather not pay them because I'd much rather do those things on my own.
00:20:03.001 --> 00:20:08.636
So I believe that when I can give kids that skill where they go,"Wow, I can do this now.
00:20:08.763 --> 00:20:09.712
That helps me.
00:20:10.663 --> 00:20:14.609
That makes me a better player." Now, all of a sudden, they're excited.
00:20:15.331 --> 00:20:25.769
Or I send them a video of Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryant or LeBron James or Wembanyama doing something that's really, really high level, and I go,"I want you to work on this.
00:20:25.801 --> 00:20:27.594
I think you could be great at this.
00:20:28.032 --> 00:20:37.160
Let's practice this tomorrow, me and you." I think those are the things that make it better and really remove the ego from it.
00:20:38.000 --> 00:20:55.113
Building those relationships, using my ego in a good way when I do need that ego, a healthy way, being really honest with my kids about the negative side of ego and how we share our knowledge and how we share our passion, what we want a healthy program to look like.
00:20:55.735 --> 00:20:57.472
Our program, not my program.
00:20:57.901 --> 00:20:59.769
To me, that's putting students first.
00:20:59.869 --> 00:21:01.667
To me, that's coaching without ego.
00:21:02.039 --> 00:21:03.322
So I hope this was helpful.
00:21:04.273 --> 00:21:10.248
I'm gonna write about this over the next few weeks as well, so make sure you check out the blog when that comes out.
00:21:10.266 --> 00:21:14.484
I'm, I'm gonna write something a little deeper on ego and coaching students first.
00:21:14.731 --> 00:21:19.161
So if you wanna be able to read this instead of just listen to it, I'll give you some points of emphasis.
00:21:19.375 --> 00:21:21.601
But thank you for continuing to listen.
00:21:21.946 --> 00:21:24.288
Thank you for continuing to be a part of this community.
00:21:25.304 --> 00:21:28.300
And as always, control what you can control.
00:21:28.606 --> 00:21:31.791
Be humble, and keep chasing significance
00:00:05.097 --> 00:00:08.291
Welcome back to another episode of the Significant Coaching Podcast.
00:00:08.553 --> 00:00:10.256
I'm your host, Matt Rogers.
00:00:10.567 --> 00:00:17.678
I have another solo episode for you today before we get back to talking to great college coaches over the next couple of weeks.
00:00:17.914 --> 00:00:22.800
We've got some really good guests coming up, and I'm excited to share with you in those conversations.
00:00:23.192 --> 00:00:47.037
But today, I wanna talk about the idea of coaching with ego, or more importantly, coaching without ego, and what we need to do to put students first when we're coaching Like anything in our world today, whether it's politics, music, literature, local colloquialisms, or whatever it may be, words tend to take on their own definitions.
00:00:47.049 --> 00:00:49.862
Sometimes we use words the wrong way to make a point.
00:00:50.216 --> 00:00:52.615
Sometimes we over-exaggerate them.
00:00:53.027 --> 00:00:55.359
And I think ego is one of those words.
00:00:55.412 --> 00:01:00.231
So I wanna start by defining ego, at least the definition I wanna use today.
00:01:00.555 --> 00:01:07.269
Ego, by definition, is a sense of self, how you see yourself, your importance, your place in the world.
00:01:07.772 --> 00:01:11.084
And There's a positive way to look at ego from that standpoint.
00:01:11.334 --> 00:01:16.311
I'm a parent, I'm a teacher, I'm a fireman, I'm a nurse, I'm a doctor, I'm an athlete.
00:01:16.608 --> 00:01:21.054
Whatever that may be, it's how you see yourself and the importance you place on that role.
00:01:21.933 --> 00:01:31.929
And I'll have to admit, as a younger coach, my ego was probably greatly inflated without even trying, because I wanted to be really good at coaching.
00:01:32.012 --> 00:01:32.769
I loved it.
00:01:32.781 --> 00:01:34.894
I was passionate about it, and I still am.
00:01:35.501 --> 00:01:40.778
But what's changed over these last 30 years is how I perceive myself as a coach.
00:01:41.256 --> 00:01:45.135
It used to be that coaching was how I defined myself.
00:01:45.194 --> 00:01:46.361
I was Coach Rogers.
00:01:46.364 --> 00:01:47.253
I was Coach Matt.
00:01:47.614 --> 00:01:52.335
I was a head high school coach, and then I was a head college coach, big time, you know?
00:01:52.599 --> 00:01:53.468
That was important to me.
00:01:53.492 --> 00:01:57.665
That defined me, or at least I thought it did, but it really didn't.
00:01:58.012 --> 00:01:59.713
It was a title, yes.
00:01:59.957 --> 00:02:01.585
It was my job, yes.
00:02:01.838 --> 00:02:05.290
But my ego made me feel like I had to do something great with it.
00:02:05.590 --> 00:02:06.552
I had to win.
00:02:06.825 --> 00:02:08.323
I had to win championships.
00:02:08.354 --> 00:02:09.995
I had to bring in great players.
00:02:10.233 --> 00:02:15.848
I needed to earn their respect by proving I knew what I was teaching them, and I knew what I was talking about.
00:02:16.587 --> 00:02:23.118
There were times when I felt like I needed to be dominant as that coach, and I'm not that guy anymore.
00:02:23.669 --> 00:02:24.671
Do I still love to win?
00:02:25.131 --> 00:02:25.985
Absolutely.
00:02:26.218 --> 00:02:27.336
Do I still hate to lose?
00:02:27.362 --> 00:02:27.777
Yeah.
00:02:27.862 --> 00:02:33.492
I'm still not a big fan of losing, but those things aren't as important to me anymore.
00:02:34.317 --> 00:02:38.651
They're way down the list of why I value coaching.
00:02:39.020 --> 00:02:40.656
For me, it's about the relationship.
00:02:40.907 --> 00:02:53.036
It's about that opportunity to be with a group of young men or young women and truly connect with them, engage with them, and encourage them do the same, And really make sure they know I'm there for them.
00:02:53.146 --> 00:02:54.895
Not that I'm going to be life-changing.
00:02:54.905 --> 00:02:56.241
I don't think that anymore.
00:02:56.247 --> 00:03:05.759
Not that I'm going to change their life for the better or the worse, but I'm going to be there for them when they need to talk, or they need support in some shape or form.
00:03:06.561 --> 00:03:08.919
And, and I don't want there to be any variables to that.
00:03:08.920 --> 00:03:18.127
I want them to know that that's always there, and that's a part of the healthy side of ego A healthy ego supports confidence and self-respect.
00:03:18.634 --> 00:03:24.805
You might say that people who don't have great self-worth or self-value don't have a big enough ego.
00:03:25.179 --> 00:03:33.854
They don't see themselves as important enough or lovable or deserve that job or that career or that relationship they greatly crave.
00:03:35.520 --> 00:03:39.554
Let me tell you, I've definitely been down that road where I've doubted my value.
00:03:40.121 --> 00:03:41.520
I've doubted my worth.
00:03:42.475 --> 00:03:54.324
On the other side is that inflated ego or defensive ego, and that can make it really difficult to accept criticism, admitted mistakes, or put others ahead of your own needs.
00:03:54.723 --> 00:03:58.155
And I'm sure I went down that road as well, whether I knew it or not.
00:03:58.413 --> 00:04:01.667
So today, I wanna talk about coaching without ego.
00:04:02.043 --> 00:04:09.205
And again, you're always going to have ego and need that ego, but it shouldn't make you bigger than the game or the relationships.
00:04:10.973 --> 00:04:12.366
With ego, I, I can't help it.
00:04:12.389 --> 00:04:14.145
I've got 30 years of experience.
00:04:14.181 --> 00:04:18.023
I've been coaching, I've been building practices, winning games, losing games.
00:04:18.283 --> 00:04:19.624
I've learned a lot.
00:04:19.963 --> 00:04:21.899
This podcast is a great example of that.
00:04:21.915 --> 00:04:26.456
As you've heard me say many times, this has been a master class for me.
00:04:26.867 --> 00:04:31.788
I've gotten to spend high quality time with some of the best coaches in the country.
00:04:32.338 --> 00:04:34.168
I've learned a lot from them.
00:04:34.184 --> 00:04:56.108
They've shared generously with me, and they've made me so much better in how I see my profession, how I go about my business, how I wanna take care of my teams and the people I love, and the, the kind of relationships I wanna have with those people I love the ego side of that too, but it's not everything anymore.
00:04:56.752 --> 00:05:03.702
My ego isn't defined by me being a coach, but when I am a coach, I want my students to be first.
00:05:03.853 --> 00:05:04.961
So let's dive into that.
00:05:05.180 --> 00:05:06.963
How do we coach without ego?
00:05:07.353 --> 00:05:10.404
I think the first thing is really getting to know our players.
00:05:11.302 --> 00:05:16.721
And with teenagers, especially this generation, sometimes it's hard to get them to have a conversation.
00:05:16.928 --> 00:05:18.894
It's hard to get them to open up.
00:05:19.425 --> 00:05:25.646
I'm not sure a lot of them, especially on the male side, believe they have much to share.
00:05:25.911 --> 00:05:27.927
At least they don't think about it all the time.
00:05:28.516 --> 00:05:37.146
And when they do sometimes, uh, sometimes they are embarrassed to share what they're thinking about, so they just stay quiet.
00:05:37.742 --> 00:05:47.334
So the big thing for me is engaging young men and young women and asking them questions, giving them a chance to show they have the answers.
00:05:47.810 --> 00:05:48.869
What makes you happy?
00:05:49.175 --> 00:05:50.425
Why do you play?
00:05:50.971 --> 00:05:52.798
What joy do you get out of it?
00:05:53.000 --> 00:05:54.605
Or do you not get joy out of it?
00:05:55.346 --> 00:05:56.576
And that's okay if you don't.
00:05:56.723 --> 00:05:58.391
Do you play for certain reasons?
00:05:58.593 --> 00:05:59.915
And what are those reasons?
00:06:00.663 --> 00:06:12.899
Coaching without ego isn't just asking those questions and learning about your players, it's really listening and then adjusting how you coach to what those individuals tell you.
00:06:14.175 --> 00:06:29.889
What's hard about being a team sport coach, whether you're coaching baseball, volleyball, football, basketball, whatever it may be, is that you've got a group of young people in front of you, and you're often coaching the body of that group, the team, the group itself.
00:06:30.348 --> 00:06:39.576
But it's really important that you continue to focus on your coaching the individual as much as you can, and it's hard to do that publicly.
00:06:40.249 --> 00:06:50.230
I think where I succeeded and failed at the same time during my long tenure as a head college coach was that there were times where I didn't think about both sides of that.
00:06:52.156 --> 00:06:55.031
It was all for me about getting from point A to point B.
00:06:55.237 --> 00:06:57.077
We're not good at this, I gotta get them here.
00:06:57.298 --> 00:07:00.685
Okay, now we're at point B, now we've gotta get to point C.
00:07:01.237 --> 00:07:03.389
All right, now all of a sudden B isn't good enough.
00:07:03.430 --> 00:07:07.545
Now we gotta go back and, and put more effort into point B.
00:07:07.944 --> 00:07:10.002
And that was really my focus as a coach.
00:07:10.021 --> 00:07:13.124
Instead of saying,"Dang, I gotta grab this kid today.
00:07:13.124 --> 00:07:19.303
He's not getting it," or,"He's not engaging with us," and make sure he knows or she knows I'm paying attention to them.
00:07:20.249 --> 00:07:21.843
Or we're in the middle of a drill.
00:07:22.262 --> 00:07:30.627
I need to be better at letting my assistants run that drill while I get behind a couple of guys, get in their ear a little bit, and tell them,"Hey, you're doing really good.
00:07:30.627 --> 00:07:31.401
You got this.
00:07:31.413 --> 00:07:32.422
Keep working hard.
00:07:32.735 --> 00:07:33.374
I'm seeing it.
00:07:33.384 --> 00:07:39.199
You're really close." And really work to keep their ego strong, right?
00:07:40.161 --> 00:07:43.300
Now, there are certain kids whose ego is plenty strong.
00:07:43.310 --> 00:07:44.795
We've had those kids, haven't we?
00:07:45.187 --> 00:07:46.867
So I've gotta do the other side of this.
00:07:46.903 --> 00:07:53.670
I've gotta go,"Hey, what could you have done differently in that situation that would have been better for the team, for, for the group?
00:07:54.242 --> 00:07:57.391
What could you have done there for, let's say, Jimmy in the corner?
00:07:57.694 --> 00:08:06.889
Could you have attacked and dumped that pass off to him instead of forcing a tough shot under that, over that big guy?" But not doing it publicly.
00:08:07.682 --> 00:08:10.555
That's where I think I both failed and succeeded.
00:08:11.348 --> 00:08:22.334
Too often I would coach and teach and inspire and chastise publicly And I'm, I'm not talking about in the news or online, I'm talking about in my gym.
00:08:22.589 --> 00:08:25.684
And I don't think you can do that with this generation the same way anymore.
00:08:26.041 --> 00:08:35.932
Just because of how they live and the public focus of social media, and everyone knowing each other's private business, kids take things personally.
00:08:36.471 --> 00:08:40.352
And I think they shell up way too fast because of it, and I can't blame them for that.
00:08:41.304 --> 00:08:47.231
They don't have the life experience to help them know that is noise, and that noise isn't real.
00:08:48.253 --> 00:09:00.133
So when I do something publicly in front of the team, uh, when my comments to an individual are heard by everybody, as a coach, I have to be really careful about what I say and how I say it.
00:09:00.580 --> 00:09:06.057
Sometimes the kids who don't have that great ego need me to say something in front of the team.
00:09:06.057 --> 00:09:09.457
They need me to go,"Hey, that's how we block out, everybody.
00:09:09.663 --> 00:09:11.256
Did you see what Jared just did there?
00:09:11.457 --> 00:09:14.113
How he hit, and he turned, and he drove his man?
00:09:14.412 --> 00:09:15.951
That's how we block out.
00:09:15.990 --> 00:09:20.875
Great example, Jared." That's where I was really good as a coach.
00:09:21.150 --> 00:09:24.321
That's when I shined as a coach, at least that's what I believe.
00:09:24.910 --> 00:09:34.866
I was really good at identifying who needed a little boost, who needed to know that they're, they were important to me, they were important to the team, and that they were doing really well.
00:09:34.879 --> 00:09:44.827
Even though the stats and the playing time might not showed it, that public support reminds them that my biggest job as a coach is to teach and celebrate.
00:09:45.525 --> 00:10:32.941
It then inspires the other players on the team to improve that skill, like Jared, because I made a public point of it And I showed the importance of it.
00:10:33.245 --> 00:10:39.043
Now, on the other side of that, too often I chastised an individual in front of the group.
00:10:39.057 --> 00:10:40.702
That's where I failed too much.
00:10:40.941 --> 00:10:42.966
Sometimes we need that too, though.
00:10:43.201 --> 00:10:49.178
Sometimes that kid with the big ego, the rest of the team needs to know that I'm treating him fairly.
00:10:49.783 --> 00:10:52.173
And again, fairly, not equally.
00:10:52.212 --> 00:10:53.484
There's a big distinction.
00:10:54.195 --> 00:10:56.883
Equally is a difficult word in a team setting.
00:10:56.883 --> 00:10:59.202
Not everybody gets the same opportunities or time.
00:10:59.426 --> 00:11:02.969
Not everyone has earned that before they step on the athletic surface.
00:11:03.999 --> 00:11:09.302
The rest of the team needs to know,"All right, this kid, he's averaging 22 points per game.
00:11:09.869 --> 00:11:13.618
He's really carrying us, but he can be criticized.
00:11:13.629 --> 00:11:15.230
He can be challenged.
00:11:15.654 --> 00:11:20.965
Coach is going to be hard on him like he is on us," and that's important.
00:11:21.582 --> 00:11:26.449
But maybe I've gotta do a better job privately with that kid before and after practice.
00:11:26.666 --> 00:11:32.581
I need to say to that kid that's scoring 22 a game, I need to say,"Hey, before practice today, I want you to know you're doing really well.
00:11:32.581 --> 00:11:33.782
I'm really proud of you.
00:11:34.050 --> 00:11:37.519
But today, I'm gonna push you a little bit harder than normal.
00:11:37.754 --> 00:11:42.592
I might speak up and challenge you in front of your teammates." And I gotta tell him why.
00:11:42.975 --> 00:11:49.812
"I want your team to understand that even though you're getting a lot of shots and scoring a lot for us, you're still one of the guys.
00:11:50.411 --> 00:11:52.676
You're still one of 15.
00:11:52.983 --> 00:11:54.154
I don't want you to lose that.
00:11:54.223 --> 00:11:56.173
I want them to believe that as well.
00:11:56.183 --> 00:12:03.379
Is that okay if I push you a little bit today?" And I wanna hear confirmation back from that kid that it is okay.
00:12:03.907 --> 00:12:09.446
Then after practice, I go back to him privately and I say,"Hey, I hope I didn't push you too hard today.
00:12:09.676 --> 00:12:17.076
Was that okay what we did together?" And maybe he says, because I was proactive with this, he says,"Yeah, Coach, that was great.
00:12:17.331 --> 00:12:18.712
I understand why you did it.
00:12:19.002 --> 00:12:25.752
It didn't affect me at all because you, you prepped me for it, and I know I've got to work on those things, and there's a reason you kind of barked at me.
00:12:25.947 --> 00:12:30.776
But thanks for letting me know in advance, and thanks for checking in on me after." Okay.
00:12:31.485 --> 00:12:36.120
That's who I wanna be as a coach, and that's the relationship I want with my players.
00:12:36.121 --> 00:12:37.531
That's the give and take I want.
00:12:37.543 --> 00:12:40.686
That's taking the ego out of it.
00:12:41.368 --> 00:12:47.587
It's also how I like to develop leaders and give kids the opportunity to model the right kinds of leadership.
00:12:48.812 --> 00:12:56.026
And those kind of things, that's what I'm talking about with coaching without ego, because the coaching is shared, and it's expected from my players.
00:12:56.370 --> 00:13:01.541
The kids who don't wanna coach or lead or share, they can sometimes struggle in my program.
00:13:02.375 --> 00:13:11.620
Those are the kids I have to talk to and example communication and leadership with in smaller and less intimidating and less public ways.
00:13:12.017 --> 00:13:20.306
I think too often when you're a head college coach, you've been coaching as long as I have, there are things you absolutely know that kids don't understand yet.
00:13:21.989 --> 00:13:38.933
I have to be really honest with myself that even though I probably know the game better than these kids, and I probably know what's going to happen on the court a lot earlier than they're gonna feel it or understand it, I have to remember that I'm still a part of this team.
00:13:39.943 --> 00:13:43.500
I know the pitfalls of what happens when certain things occur.
00:13:44.200 --> 00:13:48.488
I know the really great things that can happen when we do things the right way.
00:13:49.490 --> 00:13:51.315
It's truly a game of chess.
00:13:51.818 --> 00:13:56.866
And the longer you play it, the more you start to see the moves further down the road.
00:13:57.496 --> 00:14:01.818
But I'm also part of the relationship I want with my players.
00:14:03.168 --> 00:14:08.133
And it's important that I don't take that whole idea for granted.
00:14:08.596 --> 00:14:19.293
I need to be open-minded that they may see different moves down the road, down the board than I do, and those moves might be just as effective, but in a completely different way.
00:14:20.350 --> 00:14:30.638
So coaching without ego can be as simple as grabbing your captains after practice and going,"Hey, how was practice today?" We've got a big game on Friday.
00:14:31.037 --> 00:14:32.318
It's Tuesday right now.
00:14:32.346 --> 00:14:36.633
Are there things you're seeing that you want me to implement tomorrow?
00:14:36.658 --> 00:14:39.086
Are there things that you want to implement tomorrow?
00:14:40.036 --> 00:14:41.629
I'd like to hear your voices more.
00:14:41.826 --> 00:14:43.033
Are you guys comfortable with that?
00:14:43.149 --> 00:14:45.007
Are there drills you want to do more?
00:14:45.215 --> 00:14:48.541
Are there things you want me to get out of the way tomorrow that you know we gotta do?
00:14:49.057 --> 00:14:53.278
Are there things you wanna do Wednesday and Thursday to get us better prepared?
00:14:55.475 --> 00:15:04.258
And really sharing that leadership with them and giving them more ownership over where we're headed and what the results might be.
00:15:04.562 --> 00:15:10.793
And then when they say,"Yeah, coach, we wanna run this drill," or,"Coach, when we're not doing well, we're gonna speak up more.
00:15:11.120 --> 00:15:12.552
Just give us more time.
00:15:12.841 --> 00:15:16.645
Give us a blink, give us a wink, tilt your chin a little bit and wait a little bit.
00:15:16.647 --> 00:15:23.408
Let us know this needs to be stopped and corrected, and we'll do it instead of you always having to do it or one of the assistants always having to do it.
00:15:24.880 --> 00:15:32.024
So part of coaching without ego is learning when to create a void for your players to step into.
00:15:33.332 --> 00:15:34.484
I love Socrates.
00:15:34.611 --> 00:15:42.860
I love the Socratic method, and I won't get into the depth of it'cause I probably won't do a very good job of defining it, but I'll define it in my way.
00:15:43.600 --> 00:15:54.168
A big part of the Socratic method is that instead of telling somebody what to do, you ask them about the situation, and you help lead them to coming up with their own answer.
00:15:54.740 --> 00:16:07.371
And oftentimes on a basketball court or a football field or a baseball, softball field, especially in a sporting situation, kids know the answer, but it's not popping into their head like it would be for me, who's been doing this forever.
00:16:07.923 --> 00:16:11.417
I know the answer because I've asked the question 1,000 times.
00:16:11.452 --> 00:16:12.182
I've answered it.
00:16:12.182 --> 00:16:12.908
I've studied it.
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I've experienced it.
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Kids might have experienced it one time, or they may have never experienced what I'm talking about.
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But I wanna make it logical enough that I want them to use their own logic and practicality to fill that void.
00:16:28.717 --> 00:16:36.469
So the Socratic method is really about asking questions, and then asking follow-up questions to get to that answer.
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Does it take a little bit longer?
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Yes.
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But instead of me giving them the answer or telling the answer, I'm letting them answer those questions, and then ask their own questions, and giving them the space and the time to do so.
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I love that.
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That's where ownership comes into this.
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I love that part of coaching.
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But really the hardest part of coaching, in my perspective, especially at the high school level, where I've done most of my work over the last 10 years, is that oftentimes I don't get the sense that kids love the game as much as I do.
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They're not as passionate about learning the game as I am.
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They're not as excited about getting better at their skills and f- finding a place to go play and get better when no one's watching, and then learning the game as much as I want them to be learning it.
00:17:29.204 --> 00:17:38.863
So part of coaching without ego is helping them find that love, that passion, and that excitement, but also being okay when they don't love it as much as you do.
00:17:40.130 --> 00:17:54.648
But then there's the importance of sharing your love as a coach, sharing that passion, sharing your experiences, letting them know that this is important to you But it's also giving them the toolbox and the direction so they can go,"Wow, I know how to do this better.
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I wanna get better at it." Because if they don't have that foundation, that toolbox, if they don't have that skill set, how can we expect them to love doing something they don't know how to do?
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Let's take a big post player, for example.
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If they don't have good feet, and they don't know how to use their feet, They don't have a post move series, they don't understand pivots and pump fakes, and how to use their body, and how to use leverage, it's important for me to give that post player those tools.
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And oftentimes, that's what gets them excited.
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My relationship with my dad is a perfect example of this.
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I was the youngest of five kids.
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My brothers are 12 and 15 years older than me, and I think my dad taught them more about construction, and electricity, and plumbing, and how to fix things around the house than he did with me.
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So they have a little bit more of that knowledge than I have, especially my middle brother.
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And since I was never really taught that stuff, I get a little frustrated when I have to do that work around the house because I don't feel like I have a mastery of it.
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I can YouTube it, I can look it up, I can do all those things, but I'm still doubting myself.
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Whereas when I was a teenager, my parents bought this little local restaurant.
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So when I was 14, I was a cook.
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I was learning how to cook.
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I could cook eggs, and hash browns, and bacon, and sausage.
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I could make a lot of dishes.
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I knew how to make pancake batter.
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I knew how to serve people.
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I knew how to run a register.
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I knew how to wait tables.
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I knew how to use a mop and clean a toilet, and I did that every week for the better part of five years.
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So I feel really good in a kitchen.
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If you ask me to make something, even if I've never made it before, I'm probably gonna figure it out, and I could probably make it and make it taste really good.
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But when it comes to construction, and plumbing, and electricity, I don't love it'cause I don't have the background in it.
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And if I did, I think I would love it.
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I think I would build things.
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I think I would fix things around the house more, and I think that would be a lot of fun for me.
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Right now, I have to pay somebody hundreds of dollars to do it because they're an expert and I'm not, and I'd rather not pay them because I'd much rather do those things on my own.
00:20:03.001 --> 00:20:08.636
So I believe that when I can give kids that skill where they go,"Wow, I can do this now.
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That helps me.
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That makes me a better player." Now, all of a sudden, they're excited.
00:20:15.331 --> 00:20:25.769
Or I send them a video of Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryant or LeBron James or Wembanyama doing something that's really, really high level, and I go,"I want you to work on this.
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I think you could be great at this.
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Let's practice this tomorrow, me and you." I think those are the things that make it better and really remove the ego from it.
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Building those relationships, using my ego in a good way when I do need that ego, a healthy way, being really honest with my kids about the negative side of ego and how we share our knowledge and how we share our passion, what we want a healthy program to look like.
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Our program, not my program.
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To me, that's putting students first.
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To me, that's coaching without ego.
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So I hope this was helpful.
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I'm gonna write about this over the next few weeks as well, so make sure you check out the blog when that comes out.
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I'm, I'm gonna write something a little deeper on ego and coaching students first.
00:21:14.731 --> 00:21:19.161
So if you wanna be able to read this instead of just listen to it, I'll give you some points of emphasis.
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But thank you for continuing to listen.
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Thank you for continuing to be a part of this community.
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And as always, control what you can control.
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Be humble, and keep chasing significance
