Sacred Disruption, Did I Break My Daughter

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I am Alyssa Marie and I'll be that voice along with a special guest inside of your head for the next, I don't know, little bit.
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Um I'm happy to be back on the mic.
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I haven't been on it for a while.
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I'm happy to also report that I'm in my home studio, which is exciting to me and big progression and a big step in my commitment to talk a little bit more to you guys on a regular basis.
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Um today is a special guest, my daughter, Sophie Ella.
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She's the youngest of my three kids.
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And I asked Sophie to be on the podcast because one, she has a powerful voice that I think you all could hear and learn from, even at 24 years old.
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Um, the experiences that she's had in life thus far have taken her on a journey of exploration and adventure and seeing things that um have amazed her and taught her different lessons here and there.
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So she's gonna share her story with us.
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But I wanted to say before we get started that you know, uh we use creative language on sacred disruption, um, i.e.
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we cuss, I cuss, and I also use creative language in front of my children, and they use it as well.
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My children are no longer children though, they're adults, so we don't really fake anymore.
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Uh, we don't use it, you know, aggressively or disrespectfully, but I'm just warning you, you'll hear it.
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The other thing that I want to make note of is that you know, this some of this conversation may get graphic in nature, and so kind of be ready for maybe that and don't have it blasting with kids in the car or something like that.
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Last, uh, we have Teddy.
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Teddy is a part of our family, and so you're gonna hear some possible dog noises in the background, and that's just life.
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And that's all I got as far as you know the opening stuff.
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Um, Sophie, welcome to the podcast.
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Thank you for having me.
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Happy to be here.
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Good.
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I'm happy you are here.
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Um, in order for Sophie and I to really get into how we conversate, we kind of have to forget y'all are here, but in order for us to do you a service, um, because you are here, I'm gonna start with a prompt just so that we can kind of get the conversation going.
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Um so Sophie, I guess, you know, I look at you as a you're my daughter, right?
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I've seen you for 24 years, and sometimes I fail to notice the woman that you have become.
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Easy because I see your eyes, I see the structure of your face, and I think about the baby's diaper that I was changing or the little girl I was putting to sleep.
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And so um tell me, in your words, in your view, what is 24?
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What is 24 for you and and as a woman today in 2026?
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I would say freedom.
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Lots and lots and lots of freedom.
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Sometimes a little much to handle too much, and that can lead to a lot of interesting decisions made, and I feel like that's where I've been at most of you know my early 20s and adolescence is just a lot of decisions.
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Before, I would say my adolescence was very it was a strict program, to say the least.
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And we kept it tight, yeah, very, very tight shipped.
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So then growing up, right, and then being legal, and being able to step out on my own with my own big girl money, and all of this has been very, like I said, it's free.
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And sometimes like I've gotten lost in the sauce a lot, and 24 has been a breath of fresh air, honestly.
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Like I think that has a lot to do with what I've gone through.
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Do you feel like you're in the last couple months?
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Do you feel like you're making like turning a curve almost?
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Like Yeah.
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Like I'm looking back on my life now.
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It's like it's honestly so weird your 20s.
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It feels like each year you go through, it feels like a decade almost because of how much shit you go through.
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And it's like, ugh, you're exhausted.
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Goodness gracious, like, okay, here's another year, but I got hella knowledge now.
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Like, I feel like a wise ass sage.
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So then you talk to other um, you know, people in their younger 20s.
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Like, I'm like I said, I'm 24, but I was talking to this girl, she was 21, and she was, you know, talking about like how you know she's grown and you know, she's understands life and you know, all this and whatnot.
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And I was like, oh girl.
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Yeah, I thought I did too.
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Stop thinking like that, because you're gonna get your your ass whooped by life, yeah, real hard thinking you know it all.
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And that's basically what being in your 20s is, is like getting your ass kicked.
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Over and over again.
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Yeah, by life.
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Right.
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But then it's also really fun because like you're doing a lot of ass kicking and your ass kicked and then you're also kicked.
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Yeah, because you gotta fight back.
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You gotta fight back.
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You can't like it.
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Yeah, you can't let it whoop you for real.
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Like, I mean, it's like low-key, like you you may stumble a little bit, but you you gotta get back up at the end of the day, like you know?
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That sounds good, that sounds good, but I mean, let's keep it a hundred.
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You've stumbled.
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Yes, there have been stumbles, falls, and like times that I didn't want to get back up, and that's like I say that's where the feeling of fresh air comes from with being twenty-four now, is because twenty-three almost took me the hell out.
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Like you know, we'll get into that later in the episode, but you know, just starting out with how twenty-four feels as a woman.
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Like it's so much possibilities, it's it's so much gratitude for when you were a child and the innocence there.
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So you look back on it sometimes with guilt, sometimes with um admiration, but at the same time you're growing up, you're trying to honestly comprehend that you're even like out here as in the world, like responsible for your own acts.
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Like at first, like you were dreaming of it, right?
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Like as as a kid, you dream of taking care well, at least I did.
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Well, yeah, you I remember as a child you would I would find you in your room a lot crying about being wanting to be older.
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So I mean I understood it from the perspective of maybe you being the baby and you felt like you were being babied or whatever, but no, for you it it was beyond that.
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It was like you really wanted to be, I feel like 24.
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Right.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Mm-hmm.
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I definitely did.
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Like And it was hard to explain to a five-year-old, you'll get there one day, but you gonna wish you could take naps and you just find sweet sweets.
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Mm-hmm.
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Come up to anybody, snack, snack, and get a free snack snack.
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You know, now you want a snack snack, you gotta go pay for the snack back.
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It's crazy.
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You want a sweet treat, you gotta go pay for the sweet treat.
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You can't cry for the sweet treat.
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No, no, no, no, no.
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And I say that as the youngest, yes.
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Like, I won't lie, like, being the youngest has had a lot of influence on my life, and um both negative and positive.
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We'll starting out with the negative, you know, just to knock it off.
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Like, I think it made me more resilient than I needed to be.
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And I say resilient because w when I was younger, I was told that I couldn't do a lot of things, right?
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Because I was too small or, you know, not old enough yet, you know, I didn't know enough yet.
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So then that really grinded my gears enough to go down that track of I'll prove you wrong.
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Yeah, for sure.
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And in that I felt like I had to prove myself to not only myself, but the people who said I couldn't do it.
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And going on, like I said, that created such a a drive affecting my like you said, the crying, like it was it created such frustration in me.
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Yeah, that I n made a lot of decisions based off of that.
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And that laid led to being out in the world a little too soon than I needed to be.
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Right.
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This warning of independence, this warning of I can do it, like you know, I don't need help, like again, I'm gonna prove you wrong of look at me, I'm standing on my own two feet.
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Yeah.
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But then at the end of the day, like crumbling because that's real the real world, you know, life is hard.
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And there's that's no joke.
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When your parents tell you that life is hard, please do not take that lightly.
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I if you're listening to this as at any 18-year-old girl or you know, woman, I'm sorry, growing into life, and just listen to your parents when they tell you that or your guardian, whoever is older that influential in your life, please understand don't rush into life.
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Take it slow, take it steady.
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Not necessarily slow, but take it steady.
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Because when I rushed in, I didn't consider that the type of people that were out there, I didn't consider the knowledge skills um that I needed to sustain myself.
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I had the the resources, but I didn't know how to sustain that, if that makes sense.
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So I set myself up for success, but not long-term success.
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Right.
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When you sus when you say sustain it, it's like um I often think about people who like get their income tax back, right?
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And they have this big huge check, and they need to get, first of all, they need to get out of whatever debt situation.
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My thing to be completely um candid, I'd always have right when taxes were about to come back, I'd always have like the worst overdrawn account.
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So my income tax would always go to like covering my deficit, right?
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And then whatever else was needed for y'all, for the household, for whatever.
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But the sustaining part is the saving, the putting back, the budgeting, and that kind of thing that makes you be able to live off of the feast of the land versus just crash and explode.
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Being 24 is also that statement being wah wah wah wah wah.
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Taxes what?
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Taxes, taxes, wa, wah, wah.
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Yeah.
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That's being 24.
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Like your tax income, uh tax return.
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Your years perk up.
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Tax return?
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Yeah, yeah.
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I see that like kids' household supporting anybody but myself when you that's being right now, I think, a 24-year-old woman in 2026, especially if you don't have kids or are in a heavy relationship.
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Yeah.
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It's and I think a lot of women my in my peer group right now are experiencing that kind of life of this is the freest women have ever really been.
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Especially the black women in in America.
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Yeah.
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In all different kind of ways they can be free.
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Right.
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And so we're navigating that.
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We're trying to figure that out, like how to what do we do?
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Like I said, with all this freedom, like we touched on in the beginning of this episode.
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And there's so many possibilities and it's just endless, and then you get caught up in so many opinions, and someone telling you, okay, this is what you do, and then this is what you do.
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And then so you're just like, uh, okay, like again with the wah wah wah wah wah taxes, income with wah wah.
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Okay, like it just all becomes a blur at a certain point, and then you're just like, fuck it, I'm young and hot.
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Let's fucking party.
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At least I've got that.
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Yeah.
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Hello, I'll make it.
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I'll make it.
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I figure it out.
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I figure it out.
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Yeah.
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Um, I call that the Scarlet O'Hara syndrome.
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Like, I I'll think about it tomorrow.
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Yeah, well yeah, I'll think about it tomorrow.
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It's okay.
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Um, so I'm watching, you know, you becoming from the standpoint of like my generation.
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I think we uh, you know, we properly rebelled, obviously.
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Uh we are the ones that like made everything that you guys are uh exploring and thinking is cool now.
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We made it cool.
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We were, you know, the 80s, like you can't it's like, oh yeah.
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I mean that's legit.
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That's straight like and yes, you know, it is found samples and whatnot that are coming out.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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So, but you know, I take pride in that in terms of like being that first part of that the the arm that reached out further, even further.
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And I know my mom and dad are baby boomers.
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I'm sure they feel the same way about their generation, etc.
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I mean we all everyone feels their own thing.
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That's the great thing about human nature, like the growing.
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Yeah, because it's a I mean it's all like organic.
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It should be anyway, it's supposed to be.
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But um when I was I thought that I was on the leading edge.
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Right.
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On honestly.
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I I'm not gonna lie, I thought we were, you know, on the leading edge, cutting edge, whatever.
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Yeah.
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And then here y'all come.
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And not even because like Steven and Marissa, your older siblings, yeah, they still kind of fit you, shut shut.
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Yeah, yeah, them.
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You know them, right?
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Okay.
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Um, they still kind of listened to us.
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They obeyed us, I should say.
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They were like, you know, still like, okay, I better do it.
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The consequences aren't worth it, etc.
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We could still scare them enough.
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Yeah.
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I'll say it that way.
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And then here you come along, and I mean, I'm thinking, okay, well, we we kind of got this down.
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You mean your dad, like, okay, you know, this is the last one.
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Yeah.
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And you blow it up.
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Like, you blow, you come in.
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First of all, I should have known when I had you because I didn't have to push.
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You just literally came.
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Hello.
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And so I should have known by then.
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I should have at that point been like, what are we working with here, God?
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But that's been your personality.
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It's always taken me to the next level.
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Yeah.
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So whereas like you, I didn't push, meaning you just came out.
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I wasn't ready yet.
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I didn't even push yet.
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You just, but you were like, Yeah, no, come on, let's do this.
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Wrap it up.
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The conversations that we would have when you were little that I would feel like, what do we?
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This is a really heavy conversation with a toddler, you know.
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But those are the kind of questions you were asking.
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Yeah.
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And then your pushback, you know, let's take it forward to like middle school.
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Middle school was tough.
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Yeah.
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I spent so much time going up and down 85 that I want you to touch on that a little bit because I feel like that is in the making of who you are today.
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I feel like there's some pieces in there.
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Can you share?
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Grayson Highway.
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Yep, right there.
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If you know me, if you know anything about Sophie Ella, you know about Grayson Highway.
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Lord help me.
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Ooh, middle school was was a tough time, but like I don't think like, I don't know, being me, I guess I can't tell from like an outside point of view how much I guess it affects me because like people say all the time, like, well, not people, but like my family, you know, you, dad, um always say, like, oh, middle school affected you so much.
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I'm like, yes and no.
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Like, it was a tough time.
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It was definitely my awakening of this is not where I belong.
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I think that was my first time feeling that.
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Yeah.
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I mean really exploring not exploring it.
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No, expressing it.
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Expressing it.
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Because we were in the suburbs.
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We were in Picket Fence, HOA, Football Friday night suburbs.
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Okay.
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Don't get me wrong, I love the Friday night football, but it was just the culture of the suburbs that I was not drawn to.
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I had a hard time, my soul did not mesh there.
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So I had obviously that stemmed out into my social life, my um, you know, academic life, all of that.
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It was just not cohesive.
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Um, so then and then home to what about home?
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Because you spent those that's when you met Kyla.
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But yeah, yeah.
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So like I said, I wanna so like home.
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What was home?
00:19:08.720 --> 00:19:09.759
Like middle school.
00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:15.200
School was I remember, okay, so maybe middle school was was tough for daddy and I.
00:19:15.359 --> 00:19:22.079
Maybe that's what we But we had to like because I feel like I mean, didn't everybody have a hard time.
00:19:22.559 --> 00:19:25.119
Everyone told me that's like everyone says that.
00:19:25.920 --> 00:19:26.559
Yeah, you're right.
00:19:26.799 --> 00:19:27.599
You know, it's the arc.
00:19:27.839 --> 00:19:33.200
Everyone says that middle school is extremely rough, and I remember it being that way for me too.
00:19:33.440 --> 00:19:45.200
You're taller than the boys at that point, or I was anyway, and you like the boys, but the boys are still like yeah, it's just like all kind of weird stuff going on in your head, your body.
00:19:45.920 --> 00:19:54.559
But um, you know, I think to be, you know, looking back, I was first of all a completely different person.
00:19:54.640 --> 00:19:57.279
I I am that person Hello, yeah.
00:19:57.920 --> 00:20:02.880
That person that existed then or that walked the earth then is not the same thing.
00:20:05.599 --> 00:20:08.000
And boy, let me tell you, it's a difference.
00:20:08.160 --> 00:20:21.519
Like, my mama like was definitely the hammer to say the least on the household.
00:20:21.839 --> 00:20:24.319
For lack of better terms, I'm sorry.
00:20:24.720 --> 00:20:35.039
But of justice in in righteousness in the the right, the cleanly cleanliness is godliness.
00:20:35.279 --> 00:20:35.680
Oh, yeah.
00:20:35.759 --> 00:20:37.119
Well, I still I still adhere to that.
00:20:37.359 --> 00:20:40.799
And yes, hello, then you know that's a great rule to have, actually, personally, you know.
00:20:41.039 --> 00:20:43.599
Yes, I'm actually very thankful for that.
00:20:44.160 --> 00:20:49.839
Um, because you know it teaches you well-roundedness, you know, you gotta be able to clean.
00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:50.319
Sorry.
00:20:50.720 --> 00:20:51.200
Absolutely.
00:20:51.279 --> 00:20:53.759
And it shows a reflection of you know what you got going on.
00:20:54.000 --> 00:20:54.480
But we get off track.
00:20:54.559 --> 00:20:55.039
We get off track.
00:20:55.279 --> 00:20:55.599
All right, all right.
00:20:56.000 --> 00:20:56.799
So, yes.
00:20:57.119 --> 00:21:03.119
But that kind of household for a teenager was very weird.
00:21:04.240 --> 00:21:10.079
And also being the youngest as well, like the attention, I didn't have very much attention on me.
00:21:10.240 --> 00:21:18.319
Like, I felt very like in the shadows, like tucked it.
00:21:18.799 --> 00:21:19.920
Yeah, in the shadows a little bit.
00:21:20.160 --> 00:21:25.440
Like by the time you guys had gotten to me in the line of responsibility, y'all were exhausted.
00:21:25.519 --> 00:21:27.759
So I just got like, okay, here, damn.
00:21:28.000 --> 00:21:31.759
Like that's literally what my childhood was.
00:21:32.000 --> 00:21:33.039
Here, damn.
00:21:35.279 --> 00:21:36.559
I'm not gonna lie.
00:21:36.799 --> 00:21:37.039
Yeah.
00:21:37.279 --> 00:21:38.079
I'm not gonna lie.
00:21:38.240 --> 00:21:38.480
Exactly.
00:21:38.559 --> 00:21:40.000
You don't gotta lie, because I already know.
00:21:40.319 --> 00:21:41.359
Yeah, you're right, you're right.
00:21:41.599 --> 00:21:42.000
Hello, please.
00:21:42.400 --> 00:21:43.680
You'd be exhausted, you do.
00:21:43.839 --> 00:21:45.119
And you know, it's the truth.
00:21:45.279 --> 00:21:50.240
Like, you think, I mean, I would tell you when Steven, your brother, I was so uptight.
00:21:50.319 --> 00:21:52.160
I was like, you know, geez.
00:21:52.720 --> 00:21:58.000
And then Marissa came along and I chilled a little bit, but not really, kinda, huh?
00:21:58.240 --> 00:21:59.759
I said, she was already like.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:04.319
Like Murst is very rigid in herself, so she needed like that.
00:22:04.400 --> 00:22:08.799
And then she needed it, but she needed it, but she put herself into it.
00:22:09.279 --> 00:22:10.240
Naturally, yeah.
00:22:10.480 --> 00:22:12.799
She and this is like she's like, This is what I need.
00:22:13.759 --> 00:22:14.160
Thank you.
00:22:14.400 --> 00:22:15.920
Yes, and she didn't walked away.
00:22:16.319 --> 00:22:17.279
Yes, yes.
00:22:17.519 --> 00:22:25.119
Um but you know, when even when I was pregnant with you, I could tell even then it was like such a different pregnancy.
00:22:25.279 --> 00:22:26.240
I was psychic into it.
00:22:28.799 --> 00:22:37.519
I was psychic, I could, I was like at one with mother earth and the moon and the sun and the stars.
00:22:37.759 --> 00:22:42.720
I could I could have just been I could have just laid in a field and been happy.
00:22:43.200 --> 00:22:53.200
But uh you came in like I was pregnant with you and I went out with Auntie Joy and I got oh god, I got knocked on my ass drunk.
00:22:54.000 --> 00:23:03.279
Um we had sushi, martinis, I got a tattoo, um, we ended up at a club somewhere.
00:23:03.759 --> 00:23:06.720
All this was all while I was early pregnant with you.
00:23:06.880 --> 00:23:07.519
I didn't know.
00:23:08.559 --> 00:23:13.599
And then when I found out I was pregnant, I was like, oh my god, I thought back to that night.
00:23:13.839 --> 00:23:22.960
But um, so I think there were little windows of moments of time for me where I would let loose, but there are far and few between.
00:23:23.039 --> 00:23:26.400
I had a household to run, I was dead ass serious about that.
00:23:26.559 --> 00:23:29.680
I was a wife, a mother, and I took those responsibilities.
00:23:30.160 --> 00:23:43.599
I like to say that I am your child of the decisions that you wanted to make, but chose quote the right or responsible way.
00:23:43.920 --> 00:23:44.319
Yes.
00:23:44.559 --> 00:23:46.000
And I was the wild child of life.
00:23:46.240 --> 00:23:49.599
You were the one that was expressing the things that I didn't get to do.
00:23:49.839 --> 00:23:50.160
Yeah.
00:23:51.200 --> 00:24:00.319
And that was when you were feeling all that that night, I feel like that transmuted into me.
00:24:00.720 --> 00:24:07.200
And the night that I had the all the stuff the tattoo a lot in one night for me anyway.
00:24:07.440 --> 00:24:07.680
Mm-hmm.
00:24:07.759 --> 00:24:07.839
Yes.
00:24:08.079 --> 00:24:11.599
And now a club, a tattoo, sushi, martinis.
00:24:12.000 --> 00:24:12.240
Mm-hmm.
00:24:12.400 --> 00:24:13.279
And that's my shit.
00:24:13.359 --> 00:24:14.160
That's my jam.
00:24:14.240 --> 00:24:17.359
I love me some sushi, love me some uh tuna.
00:24:17.759 --> 00:24:18.720
Ugh, sashimi.
00:24:21.359 --> 00:24:22.160
Love it.
00:24:22.640 --> 00:24:26.480
But yeah, that just really like that's that's me.
00:24:26.640 --> 00:24:28.480
This is down in Birmingham, Alabama, too.
00:24:28.720 --> 00:24:30.559
Like we went in the back streets of Birmingham.
00:24:30.720 --> 00:24:31.200
I did.
00:24:31.440 --> 00:24:40.000
And now here you got me, Lil Beyonce born September 4th, Mama Louisiana, Daddy Alabama.
00:24:40.160 --> 00:24:41.119
Thank you very much.
00:24:41.359 --> 00:24:41.680
Yeah.
00:24:42.000 --> 00:24:55.839
So yeah, I think that is so in my essence of the party, you know, good food and good laughs and love and laughter.
00:24:59.359 --> 00:25:07.599
You know, it's crazy though, because I don't I look at it okay, so we were talking about how you see things and I see things.
00:25:07.759 --> 00:25:09.759
At least that's kind of where we've gone in this.
00:25:10.079 --> 00:25:21.359
But when you were in middle school and you would go down to Kyla's house, I low-key would my feelings would be hurt because I would be like, Why don't you have Kyla over here?
00:25:21.599 --> 00:25:30.799
Because in my mind, I'm creating an atmosphere of come and have community and have laughter and have whatever.
00:25:31.039 --> 00:25:42.000
But I don't understand, at least the person I was then didn't understand that all of that was coming with a rigidity that was like, okay, but mess up and I'll cut you.
00:25:42.480 --> 00:25:46.079
So come have fun, but don't you mess up nothing, you know.
00:25:46.559 --> 00:25:53.119
So um you would go down to Kyla's and I cut cut up.
00:25:53.359 --> 00:25:59.279
I want you to talk about that though, because I, you know, I would be like, okay, go ahead and go.
00:25:59.359 --> 00:26:02.720
Because I knew you were going down there for some reason, but talk about that.
00:26:03.359 --> 00:26:07.200
Kyla's house was, you know, that's my best friend, love her to death.
00:26:07.359 --> 00:26:07.839
Hello.
00:26:08.559 --> 00:26:13.119
Um, Kyla, her house was very interesting.
00:26:13.279 --> 00:26:23.599
It was like, if you ever seen the show Shameless, that's how I would very much describe her household and whatnot, and the type of environment.
00:26:23.680 --> 00:26:29.200
It was full of love, yet chaos, and all types of things going on.
00:26:29.279 --> 00:26:30.640
They even had a pet pig.
00:26:30.720 --> 00:26:31.839
His name was Wilford.
00:26:32.480 --> 00:26:37.599
He was a ginormous pig, big old potbelly, that used to walk around the house.
00:26:37.680 --> 00:26:43.839
Um, he was very clean, you know, he wasn't a dirty pig or anything like that, but he was big as hell.
00:26:44.160 --> 00:26:45.359
Um in the house.
00:26:45.519 --> 00:26:46.400
Yes, in the house.
00:26:46.720 --> 00:26:48.240
And he used to get mean though.
00:26:48.319 --> 00:26:50.799
Like he had like real tusk, actually.
00:26:51.039 --> 00:26:51.119
Oh.
00:26:51.359 --> 00:26:52.880
Like not tusk but like the teeth.
00:26:53.039 --> 00:26:54.720
Like his teeth were whatever.
00:26:54.880 --> 00:26:55.359
Mm-hmm.
00:26:55.519 --> 00:26:55.839
Okay.
00:26:56.000 --> 00:26:57.599
Yeah, he was it was scary.
00:26:57.839 --> 00:26:59.759
Um when he used to get with fits?
00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:01.119
Yes, he would have fits.
00:27:01.359 --> 00:27:01.759
Mm-hmm.
00:27:02.000 --> 00:27:03.440
Well, what do you do on the fist?
00:27:05.279 --> 00:27:06.480
And then chase you.
00:27:06.720 --> 00:27:09.200
Chase you around the corner and then you uh around the island.
00:27:09.519 --> 00:27:11.440
This is a kitchen in the suburbs.
00:27:11.680 --> 00:27:13.519
Yes, uh Gunnett County.
00:27:13.759 --> 00:27:14.319
Mm-hmm.
00:27:14.799 --> 00:27:16.400
I'm told you Grayson Highway.
00:27:16.640 --> 00:27:17.279
Oh my gosh.
00:27:17.759 --> 00:27:18.400
Yes, ma'am.
00:27:18.799 --> 00:27:22.400
So and then the family.
00:27:22.559 --> 00:27:23.599
The family was great.
00:27:23.759 --> 00:27:30.960
There was Laura, there was Josh, Jaden, uh obviously Kyla.
00:27:31.279 --> 00:27:36.480
Yes, yes, Kyle, obviously, yeah, Kyle's there, Darien, you know, the whole jam.
00:27:37.200 --> 00:27:41.359
And everyone was so unique upon their own, right?
00:27:41.519 --> 00:27:47.279
Like, you know, my first time taking a bong was with Darien and um her boyfriend at the time.
00:27:48.079 --> 00:27:55.759
And I remember that being such an experience of where Izzy was there and um she was ripping it too.
00:27:55.839 --> 00:27:59.680
And I was like, okay, girl, like we're stoners now.
00:28:01.599 --> 00:28:05.920
But then I went back inside and I was got so parent, I was like, oh, I have to repent.
00:28:08.720 --> 00:28:16.400
Because at the time my parents had me going to church camp and I was like, oh the Lord, it's shamed upon me.
00:28:16.480 --> 00:28:17.759
I'm shamed.
00:28:18.480 --> 00:28:22.240
But here we are right now with the clip and you know, right.
00:28:22.319 --> 00:28:24.720
We have an air joint in front of us.
00:28:25.039 --> 00:28:25.440
Yeah.
00:28:26.000 --> 00:28:28.000
So how how about that for roundabout?
00:28:28.240 --> 00:28:32.480
You know, scared to death, go home, you know, of like, oh my god, I'm gonna go.
00:28:33.680 --> 00:28:35.440
So yeah, there was things like that.
00:28:35.680 --> 00:28:40.000
Um, and after honorable mention Josh, rest his soul.
00:28:40.240 --> 00:28:42.400
Um, he was such a great man.
00:28:42.559 --> 00:28:45.680
You know, I really thought of him like an uncle, really.
00:28:46.160 --> 00:28:54.240
And um so they would just invite you in you were part of the family when you was this little black girl, yeah.
00:28:54.480 --> 00:29:04.160
Everyone else was white as fuck and country as hell, like some motherfuckers.
00:29:04.240 --> 00:29:08.160
I really couldn't understand some of Josh's friends, and I'd be like, Yeah.
00:29:09.440 --> 00:29:10.079
Yeah.
00:29:10.480 --> 00:29:11.599
I for sure.
00:29:12.319 --> 00:29:12.720
That part.
00:29:13.039 --> 00:29:16.640
And, you know, we would just be running around the house like little rug rats.
00:29:17.119 --> 00:29:36.880
And, you know, he just was such a an angel, like really, and he is now, um, but on earth, he but he was such a nice man, you know, inviting so many just lost souls that just needed help and you know, needed a friend, needed family, and he offered that.
00:29:37.039 --> 00:30:07.279
And so that extended into my life now of being able to have such empathy, and I feel like the I tried to admit admit that as much as I can in my own life, that kindness, and you know what's crazy for me is that you're what you're explaining in in Josh is like so here you are, this little black girl, like you said, leaving a Christian home.
00:30:07.440 --> 00:30:07.759
Yes.
00:30:08.000 --> 00:30:21.359
A clean Christian home, might I add, to go down the street and kick it with the shameless family, yeah, who were not obviously up in church, you know, in ministry, whatever.
00:30:21.519 --> 00:30:22.079
Yes.
00:30:22.400 --> 00:30:25.279
But yes, they were very much in ministry.
00:30:25.359 --> 00:30:27.039
They were boots on the ground, right?
00:30:27.839 --> 00:30:33.200
And I think about now, obviously being a Josh myself, right?
00:30:33.599 --> 00:30:42.720
A boots on the ground person versus the Christian clean woman that I was back then.
00:30:42.960 --> 00:30:43.200
Right.
00:30:43.920 --> 00:30:47.039
And not to say like being Christian is a like a bad thing or anything like that.
00:30:47.200 --> 00:30:48.880
We're just walking different in our faith.
00:30:48.960 --> 00:30:55.599
It was more so like that rigid religious psychosis, I want to say.
00:30:55.839 --> 00:30:56.160
Yeah.
00:30:56.400 --> 00:31:03.759
Almost of like like I was saying, literally, like I went to live a moment of life, nothing wrong.
00:31:03.839 --> 00:31:15.119
I didn't it was I smoked a a plant that came out that grew out of the ground and felt like I needed to go fall on my knees and repent to Christ because it was a sin and I was going to hell.
00:31:15.279 --> 00:31:15.440
Yeah.
00:31:15.680 --> 00:31:17.039
That kind of thinking.
00:31:17.200 --> 00:31:17.519
Yeah.
00:31:17.759 --> 00:31:26.400
Not like now I smoke and not that I say I don't talk to God when I'm um Talk to what?
00:31:26.720 --> 00:31:38.400
Talk to God when um I'm not smoking, but yeah, when I'm in that state, I feel so able to freely connect with source and God.
00:31:38.960 --> 00:31:41.359
Um well the one in the same hello.
00:31:41.920 --> 00:32:06.559
Um so just going through that, my own spiritual experiences and all of that growing up as well, has been interesting in learning what I fall into and what works for me, what doesn't, and I think like you said before, like when I was rebelling, I was one of the first ones in the family who was like, I'm not going to church.
00:32:07.119 --> 00:32:11.039
No, y'all can go, but I'm done going to church.
00:32:11.440 --> 00:32:12.079
I remember that.
00:32:12.240 --> 00:32:13.839
That was after the divorce.
00:32:14.079 --> 00:32:22.160
Like there was a period of time when the family just wasn't working anyway, like behind closed doors.
00:32:22.400 --> 00:32:24.319
It hadn't been working for a while.
00:32:24.799 --> 00:32:31.839
And it was starting to seep out, not just to the world, but like to you guys.
00:32:32.000 --> 00:32:42.240
Like there was uh it was a period in in your dad and I's relationship where it was like, well, we can't really hide our this isn't working from the kids anymore.
00:32:42.559 --> 00:32:47.519
But um you were the only one that was still at home.
00:32:47.680 --> 00:32:48.079
Yeah.
00:32:48.319 --> 00:32:56.559
And so I kind of I took the liberty of saying, okay, this is the time for me to exit this relationship.
00:32:56.960 --> 00:32:59.039
And I felt like it's high school now for me.
00:32:59.200 --> 00:33:02.960
Yeah, you're in high school, and I feel like I'm doing it responsibly.
00:33:03.359 --> 00:33:07.920
And um And which it was, I mean, it was as clean as it could have gotten.
00:33:08.240 --> 00:33:09.680
Well Yes.
00:33:09.920 --> 00:33:10.640
Yes, it does.
00:33:11.119 --> 00:33:11.519
Yes, it does.
00:33:11.680 --> 00:33:14.720
I mean, it's all messy, you can't help it, period.
00:33:15.039 --> 00:33:16.000
You know, it just is.
00:33:16.240 --> 00:33:16.799
That's what I'm saying.
00:33:16.960 --> 00:33:24.000
And it was 20-something years of marriage, so it wasn't like, you know, here, take this, you take the cup, and I'll take the bowl.
00:33:24.240 --> 00:33:33.200
Um, but my point is that it was then just you we went from a family of five to just you and I.
00:33:33.440 --> 00:33:34.079
Yeah.
00:33:34.480 --> 00:33:46.559
So you got through middle school, you got you started high school, and then not but a minute in high school, then we're I'm I'm divorcing and we're going to the city.
00:33:46.720 --> 00:33:57.599
We're moving out of the suburbs, yeah, and actively moving into closer to Atlanta, into the city, and we land in Decatur, and then starts a whole new chapter for you.
00:33:57.920 --> 00:33:58.400
Right.
00:33:58.720 --> 00:34:03.519
Of exploration, and that's when I really hopped off the porch for real.
00:34:03.680 --> 00:34:08.480
Like, that was like my oh, this is it.
00:34:08.639 --> 00:34:11.119
Like, oh my gosh, I fit in.
00:34:11.199 --> 00:34:12.800
This is somewhere where I fit in.
00:34:12.960 --> 00:34:14.960
I didn't know I could fit in somewhere.
00:34:15.760 --> 00:34:20.639
And it was a really cool experience for me.
00:34:20.960 --> 00:34:26.159
And I really cherished like that time of us moving.
00:34:26.320 --> 00:34:39.679
And I think that's why I say, like, for me, I don't I don't think the divorce was necessarily hard on me, like y'all separating, because that was like my whole life, y'all and dad separating.
00:34:39.920 --> 00:34:40.320
Yes.
00:34:40.559 --> 00:34:42.480
Um, you have to like remember that too.
00:34:42.719 --> 00:34:47.519
Like it wasn't just the one time, like it's like on the third round of yeah, of we're not together.
00:34:47.679 --> 00:34:52.000
So I'm like, at this point, I'm like, thank fucking god, like I'm tired of hearing that shit in the background.
00:34:53.519 --> 00:34:58.719
So I wasn't one of those kids of like, oh mommy and daddy are not together, they don't love each other no more.
00:34:58.800 --> 00:34:59.840
I was like, all right, cool.
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:03.199
Like Yes, I remember the poem you wrote.
00:35:03.599 --> 00:35:04.400
I don't remember.
00:35:04.800 --> 00:35:05.519
Oh, I have it.
00:35:05.679 --> 00:35:07.440
I'm not gonna repeat it here on the show.
00:35:08.400 --> 00:35:11.280
Sophie expresses herself quite often in poem.
00:35:11.519 --> 00:35:13.199
Oh, yes, in written word.
00:35:14.239 --> 00:35:22.400
So she wrote a lovely poem the day we uh left Grayson and that house and moved to the city.
00:35:22.719 --> 00:35:23.440
Hello, Elm.
00:35:23.519 --> 00:35:25.199
That's that was a weird, you know.
00:35:25.280 --> 00:35:33.679
I still feel like up until that point, even still as a mother, I'm still very active.
00:35:33.920 --> 00:35:37.760
Like this is my baby, and I've got to take care of her.
00:35:37.840 --> 00:35:57.199
And even though we're moving to the city, I want to give her freedom, but I also, you know, need to make sure, you know, and so what's funny is because when you guys were growing up, you know, our our rule was you had to tell us well in advance if you wanted to do something with some friends.
00:35:57.280 --> 00:36:06.719
Like so if you wanted to go to football on Friday, on Tuesday, you ought to be telling us what your plans are for Friday night and who you're gonna be with.
00:36:07.039 --> 00:36:09.440
What are the actors and is what time?
00:36:09.920 --> 00:36:11.760
What time, where is your striving?
00:36:12.559 --> 00:36:19.119
Who's picking you up, who's dropping you off, all of the whole shebang to then blood type.
00:36:19.440 --> 00:36:34.559
I'm in the middle of the city, 16 years old, going down ponds and just whoop woop whoop 285, up and down 20, 75, I mean, um, just all of it, like 85.
00:36:35.280 --> 00:36:36.880
Just I was just everywhere.
00:36:37.119 --> 00:36:37.760
You were outside.
00:36:38.000 --> 00:36:40.800
I was outside, and I loved it.
00:36:40.960 --> 00:36:42.079
I ate it up.
00:36:42.239 --> 00:36:42.559
Yeah.
00:36:42.800 --> 00:36:50.960
And not to say that like home life wasn't weird, because I think Well, I was going through my awakening.
00:36:51.119 --> 00:36:54.239
Yeah, that and also a heartbreak at the same time.
00:36:54.400 --> 00:36:55.679
Like simultaneously.
00:36:55.920 --> 00:36:57.599
The tower moment had happened.
00:36:57.920 --> 00:37:01.199
Yes, and my young teenage mind was not company.
00:37:01.519 --> 00:37:07.840
I just knew you were listening to manifestations in the morning and mantras, affirmations.
00:37:08.320 --> 00:37:11.519
And you know I had my list that I would read every day.
00:37:11.760 --> 00:37:11.920
Right.
00:37:12.800 --> 00:37:18.239
We would talk a little bit and then we would go about our days, or I would, you know, you would drop me off at school.
00:37:18.400 --> 00:37:18.639
Yes.
00:37:18.800 --> 00:37:29.280
And then I would have my day at school and wouldn't let you again not letting you know what the hell I'm doing because I had no idea I'm having a ball at school.
00:37:29.519 --> 00:37:41.360
Um uh yeah, there was a time where I left in the middle of the day and took Marta down to the Capitol and for a protest.
00:37:41.519 --> 00:37:43.360
Oh, I don't know if remember what the protest was.
00:37:43.599 --> 00:37:44.480
Oh, that's important.
00:37:44.719 --> 00:37:44.960
Yeah.
00:37:45.199 --> 00:37:46.960
It was just like to be outside.
00:37:47.119 --> 00:37:47.440
Yep.
00:37:47.920 --> 00:37:49.760
I was like, okay, we're leaving in the middle of the day.
00:37:51.360 --> 00:37:56.719
I can do that because middle school and elementary school, really school in general, I did not like school.
00:37:56.800 --> 00:37:57.519
I don't mm mm.
00:37:57.840 --> 00:38:01.920
It just like being in there, I just didn't like being confined.
00:38:02.000 --> 00:38:04.719
And I felt like it was a very confining space.
00:38:05.039 --> 00:38:08.000
And so I left.
00:38:08.880 --> 00:38:17.679
And that was my first taste of like what do you mean, like, no one's gonna come hunt me down if I like leave?
00:38:18.000 --> 00:38:26.639
It's a it's the equivalent of you not being of like, okay, so in the suburbs you'd go to school, you can't leave campus again until it's time to go home.
00:38:26.800 --> 00:38:26.960
Right.
00:38:27.119 --> 00:38:29.360
And if you don't have a car, it's on a bus, right?
00:38:29.840 --> 00:38:33.360
Whereas uh in Decatur, it's all right there.
00:38:33.440 --> 00:38:33.920
You're living in the city.
00:38:34.079 --> 00:38:35.840
You're in the middle of everything.
00:38:36.320 --> 00:38:44.960
In this school, you have to think about is City Decatur School at Decatur High School is in the middle of Decatur City.
00:38:45.440 --> 00:38:57.599
So it's surrounded by shops, restaurants, there's a Starbucks, there was a Chick-fil-A, there was a Killer Burgers, all sorts of whatnot.
00:38:58.079 --> 00:39:02.320
And then also which there was a Marty station right there.
00:39:03.119 --> 00:39:03.519
Yeah.
00:39:04.079 --> 00:39:08.960
Not less than a m less than a quarter of a mile away from the school.
00:39:09.199 --> 00:39:09.519
Yeah.
00:39:09.840 --> 00:39:17.760
So talk about you and then you're only having to do what, maybe five stops, and then you're in the middle of the city.
00:39:17.920 --> 00:39:18.159
Yeah.
00:39:18.320 --> 00:39:20.000
Getting off in downtown.
00:39:20.239 --> 00:39:25.599
Um, so no, if anyone knows about taking the Decatur line, so you would take it west.
00:39:27.679 --> 00:39:29.519
You know, sorry, I'm getting off track.
00:39:29.760 --> 00:39:32.079
But you know, you gotta get on the blue line.
00:39:32.320 --> 00:39:40.639
Yeah, not the blue line, I'm sorry, the green line, and then you gotta go either way, there's a way, and you found it.
00:39:40.880 --> 00:39:43.840
Yes, I was again outside.
00:39:44.320 --> 00:40:02.159
And so that was the beginning of my journey of hopping off the porch and really getting into life and seeing what's out there, and I just got so excited about it that I was like, well, fuck this, like Okay, so for me, here I'm gonna refer back to where I'm at in this.
00:40:02.320 --> 00:40:02.559
Right.
00:40:02.719 --> 00:40:11.519
I'm going through this massive spiritual awakening because everything that I knew has been basically ripped away, okay.
00:40:11.840 --> 00:40:14.800
Never having lived on my own before ever.
00:40:14.960 --> 00:40:26.480
This was my first real time of like me affording me, and you know, with child support affording you, but still like alone, okay.
00:40:26.719 --> 00:40:44.480
So learning how to be alone, and then you would say, Okay, I'm gonna meet, you know, go out with my friend, and we're gonna just there was so much to do within what, like a five-mile radius of where we lived, that I just was like, Well, you're not getting in a car.
00:40:45.199 --> 00:40:47.039
You're not getting on the interstate.
00:40:47.199 --> 00:40:54.960
Like, in my mind, I was thinking, checking all the things of okay, so these are a bunch of kids in the neighborhood running around the city of Decatur.
00:40:55.199 --> 00:40:56.480
Like, how bad can it get?
00:40:56.719 --> 00:41:02.880
So I guess I sit in my head I resolved that to like you're you're not out there doing something horrid.
00:41:03.039 --> 00:41:03.199
Right.
00:41:03.360 --> 00:41:07.920
God only knows that was the general gist of what everyone else's parents were thinking too.
00:41:08.320 --> 00:41:11.599
Exactly too, but you know, to our chagrin.
00:41:11.760 --> 00:41:11.920
Yeah.
00:41:12.079 --> 00:41:14.639
Um we're on the rooftop on Buck in Buckhead.
00:41:17.599 --> 00:41:18.159
Yes.
00:41:19.199 --> 00:41:21.920
Some of the buildings are in the street, not down the street.
00:41:22.159 --> 00:41:22.400
No.
00:41:22.639 --> 00:41:26.000
Um so I'm going through all this, right?
00:41:26.559 --> 00:41:39.119
And any time that there was and this to me is when I first think I started seeing a part of you that you hid in the suburbs.
00:41:40.239 --> 00:41:42.320
Because you blossomed.
00:41:42.480 --> 00:41:45.840
I mean, this was like these were your people, this was your tribe.
00:41:46.079 --> 00:41:46.400
Right.
00:41:46.639 --> 00:41:51.119
And you became this, you know, little individual.
00:41:51.360 --> 00:41:51.599
Right.
00:41:51.760 --> 00:41:56.079
And I'm watching it was a lot of attention to me.
00:41:56.159 --> 00:41:57.599
I had never gotten that before.
00:41:57.840 --> 00:41:59.840
Like You were an individual.
00:42:00.079 --> 00:42:04.559
You weren't the youngest of and you didn't go to the same high school as your brother and sister.
00:42:05.519 --> 00:42:07.199
So it wasn't like a oh, you're a roper.
00:42:07.360 --> 00:42:07.679
Yeah.
00:42:07.920 --> 00:42:09.599
It was just Sophie.
00:42:09.679 --> 00:42:14.639
Like, and I feel like I've been fighting for that feeling for so long in my life.
00:42:14.719 --> 00:42:36.000
So that really translated out through even when I got out of high school and um going on through my twenties of this striving for independence of knowing and being known outside of just being the youngest.
00:42:36.320 --> 00:42:45.519
Well, I struggled with that too, but not from that standpoint of the youngest, but being I wanted to be individual of not known from my father.
00:42:45.679 --> 00:42:52.800
Like I didn't I I was so used to walking in a room and people would say, This is so-and-so's daughter.
00:42:53.199 --> 00:42:55.679
I was I did wasn't even introduced by my name.
00:42:55.840 --> 00:42:56.079
Right.
00:42:56.320 --> 00:43:07.840
I would just be say told this is so-and-so's daughter, and then they would the smile would c light up, their face would light up, and they would immediately like me on the premise only of being so-and-so's daughter.
00:43:08.000 --> 00:43:08.159
Right.
00:43:08.400 --> 00:43:21.599
And so when I started seeing more of that and the fakeness of it, and really wanting to be introduced by my name, that's when I understood what it could maybe feel like to be separate and apart.
00:43:21.760 --> 00:43:37.519
And even now, I mean, what you're talking about in in terms of the freedom that you were embracing and and and feeling and and coming into, I was coming into that, yeah, but I was coming into it at 50 something years old.
00:43:38.079 --> 00:43:40.000
So totally different.
00:43:40.320 --> 00:43:50.639
I mean I I want to touch on this because I think it's important to note like, so at this point, I am I was not a weed smoker.
00:43:51.280 --> 00:44:13.199
And then all of a sudden I was starting to dabble in smoking like recreationally with friends, which and then I was Secretly in my mind, being like, oh my god, there's a freedom that I just felt that I don't I don't I don't know if this was wrong or right, much like you said, but you felt like you had to repent because it felt so right.
00:44:13.679 --> 00:44:14.000
Yeah.
00:44:14.320 --> 00:44:24.880
Um and then I too was kind of like, you know, exploring outside too in my way, but I thought we were doing well, right?
00:44:25.039 --> 00:44:37.199
I thought we were kind of connecting in our own new way, but I didn't I also I want to say that I don't think I saw the the warning signs, warning Robinson, warning.
00:44:37.519 --> 00:44:37.920
Yeah.
00:44:38.079 --> 00:44:47.679
Um, because there were definitely some darker moments in there too, like, you know, it was very I was dealing with my mental as well.
00:44:48.000 --> 00:45:17.519
Not knowing that dealing with undiagnosed bipolar and feeling lost, and you know, obviously I would have these highs, and like it was great living in a city, but then also, you know, being away from everything I've ever known and um family, yeah, for sure, like, you know, no siblings, but have been grown up around siblings my whole life, but to now where I have no like if you're at home alone, you were at home alone.
00:45:17.840 --> 00:45:18.559
Yeah, for sure.
00:45:18.719 --> 00:45:26.639
So then that like created like, you know, a strife within its own right.
00:45:26.960 --> 00:45:43.360
And yeah, but also I think going back to your point of searching for yourself outside of who you've been labeled as, I think that translated also into when you were a mother as well.
00:45:43.519 --> 00:45:46.000
Like Oh yeah, every I've played a role.
00:45:46.239 --> 00:45:51.360
I've played a role, I had at that point played a role my whole life.
00:45:51.599 --> 00:46:01.360
I was a daughter, a sister, you know, a a a friend, a worker, a a wife, a mother, a girlfriend, something.
00:46:01.519 --> 00:46:03.599
I was something something to somebody.
00:46:03.760 --> 00:46:04.159
Right.
00:46:04.400 --> 00:46:15.920
I was never alone though, and I didn't know what it meant to even think long enough to explore freedom, to even imagine a freedom.
00:46:16.159 --> 00:46:27.360
It was more very much like like you said, the hammer, like get it done and have some fun along the way, yes, but m really gotta get it done.
00:46:27.599 --> 00:46:27.840
Yeah.
00:46:27.920 --> 00:46:30.079
So here comes the California.
00:46:30.800 --> 00:46:31.679
Absolutely, yeah.
00:46:31.760 --> 00:46:32.880
So then moving.
00:46:33.280 --> 00:46:33.519
Yeah.
00:46:33.599 --> 00:46:41.119
So then in my spiritual awakening period, I'm I am essentially manifesting.
00:46:41.199 --> 00:46:46.239
I'm in that stage of awakening where I'm believing, I'm receiving, right?
00:46:46.480 --> 00:46:52.079
So I'm in the part where I'm like, have those things, say those things that are not as though they are, and you'll have them.
00:46:52.239 --> 00:46:54.559
And so I am I aming everything.
00:46:54.800 --> 00:47:01.599
And I have I amed my way into a new job in downtown Los Angeles, California.
00:47:02.079 --> 00:47:06.639
And I think, well, Sophie, we've done it once before, we can do it again, let's move.
00:47:06.880 --> 00:47:15.119
But I also realized this is your senior year of high school, and maybe you might want to my junior.
00:47:15.440 --> 00:47:19.199
Well, yeah, you were in your junior year, but it was about to be your senior year.
00:47:20.320 --> 00:47:27.039
If you maybe would want to stay and graduate with these kids that you had come to know and love.
00:47:27.280 --> 00:47:27.760
Yeah.
00:47:28.000 --> 00:47:34.000
So I thought, in my wisdom, okay, well, you have a dad.
00:47:34.880 --> 00:47:42.719
You can you can live with him and um finish out school and then come live with me in California.
00:47:43.599 --> 00:47:46.719
But what neither of us knew was COVID.
00:47:47.199 --> 00:47:58.159
Yeah, that was took a turn for the worst, I'll say, with especially like where I was going trajectory-wise.
00:47:58.559 --> 00:47:59.440
Well, I want to life.
00:47:59.760 --> 00:48:10.000
I w I do want to give justice to this though, because I think we need to say, I think it needs to be said how you felt with me leaving to move to LA.
00:48:10.320 --> 00:48:11.199
Oh, yeah.
00:48:11.519 --> 00:48:12.079
For sure.
00:48:12.320 --> 00:48:16.320
That like that was a lot for me to digest.
00:48:16.800 --> 00:48:31.679
Like, I always thought that it would have been a move together situation because like we were best buds and like had started developing the developing that relationship of like, okay, we're in this together.
00:48:31.840 --> 00:48:32.079
Yeah.
00:48:32.239 --> 00:48:36.000
So it really confused me when you said, Okay, I'm going by myself.
00:48:36.079 --> 00:48:44.000
I didn't understand like the because you have to think again, like, my mind wasn't in school, like I didn't really care for those kind of things.
00:48:44.400 --> 00:48:44.559
Yeah.
00:48:44.719 --> 00:48:46.559
So I also didn't understand that.
00:48:46.880 --> 00:48:49.840
And I didn't know what was going on with you mentally.
00:48:50.000 --> 00:48:50.159
Yes.
00:48:50.400 --> 00:48:52.079
I mean, I let me say it like this.
00:48:52.159 --> 00:48:53.599
I I can't say I didn't know.
00:48:53.760 --> 00:48:54.480
That's a lie.
00:48:54.719 --> 00:48:58.239
Because you had been going to therapy and you had been on medication.
00:48:58.480 --> 00:48:58.800
Right.
00:48:58.960 --> 00:49:12.239
But we had gotten to a point where you had I thought you were so happy in Decatur that we eased back on the medication and the therapy because I thought, well, she needed it out here because this is this is depressing, yeah.
00:49:12.400 --> 00:49:14.320
Yeah, and now we're here and she's so happy.
00:49:15.920 --> 00:49:18.000
Yeah, and so anyway, go ahead.
00:49:18.320 --> 00:49:24.320
Um So you're dealing with all this mental quietly.
00:49:24.559 --> 00:49:25.039
Yes.
00:49:25.360 --> 00:49:26.719
And I'm about to leave.
00:49:27.760 --> 00:49:29.199
And it rocks my world.
00:49:29.280 --> 00:49:30.880
Like I'm not ready for it.
00:49:30.960 --> 00:49:38.320
It just creates this whole other level of abandonment issues, sparks it in my life.
00:49:39.199 --> 00:49:45.360
And I didn't know I didn't underst know how to understand it.
00:49:47.920 --> 00:49:52.559
And it was very different, like when Dad came.
00:49:52.719 --> 00:49:59.280
Like I was just like, okay, you know, it's two different worlds, you and Dad, you know, night and day.
00:49:59.599 --> 00:50:14.480
And, you know, dad was still in that very like sub suburb Gwinnette mindset of everyone is a danger, and you know, it's you know Yes, I remember when the You came to the We would wave, we would wave to the homeless guy.
00:50:14.639 --> 00:50:15.440
They're not even homeless.
00:50:15.519 --> 00:50:16.480
I don't even know what they were.
00:50:16.639 --> 00:50:17.760
The guys that would hang out on the corner.
00:50:19.440 --> 00:50:22.719
And we would wave to them, we knew them, they would watch out for us.
00:50:22.880 --> 00:50:26.000
Because you could walk in the neighborhood at night, it wasn't an issue.
00:50:26.639 --> 00:50:28.239
And he freaked out one time.
00:50:28.400 --> 00:50:29.920
He was like, Who is that?
00:50:30.000 --> 00:50:30.480
Why are they?
00:50:35.679 --> 00:50:37.280
We need him to watch.
00:50:38.079 --> 00:50:40.320
But like your car.
00:50:40.559 --> 00:50:45.039
He's gonna be the one that's And he gonna make sure no one breaks into your shit, like so.
00:50:45.119 --> 00:50:48.079
You give him that little five dollars or go get him something to drink.
00:50:48.239 --> 00:50:48.400
Right.
00:50:48.559 --> 00:50:50.079
Hello, do you take care of your people?
00:50:50.159 --> 00:50:50.480
Yes.
00:50:50.719 --> 00:50:53.119
But he wasn't there yet, dad would.
00:50:53.280 --> 00:50:53.679
Yeah.
00:50:54.000 --> 00:51:01.440
And so to go back into that was like really jarring me up.
00:51:01.760 --> 00:51:16.000
Like, cause the difference in settings, like knowing now, like being bipolar, I have to have be very sensitive to my environment and like you know, keeping it consistent and having certain consistencies in my life.
00:51:16.800 --> 00:51:23.920
Um, so then being unmedicated at the time and a whole new situation coming, and especially with the world.
00:51:24.159 --> 00:51:24.480
Yeah.
00:51:24.719 --> 00:51:26.400
Entirely with COVID.
00:51:27.199 --> 00:51:28.320
I was not well.
00:51:28.480 --> 00:51:29.119
Right.
00:51:29.440 --> 00:51:32.320
And I stopped going to school.
00:51:32.880 --> 00:51:36.719
I um was sneaking out the house.
00:51:36.880 --> 00:51:42.559
Um, I started getting seeing boys, um, really grown men, let's be honest.
00:51:42.719 --> 00:51:44.000
Like I was 18 at the time.
00:51:44.320 --> 00:51:47.280
Well, no, I wasn't eighteen yet, but I was like 17.
00:51:47.599 --> 00:51:48.239
Yeah.
00:51:48.559 --> 00:51:54.400
Um, but you have to think my birthday was in September, this beginning of the school year.
00:51:54.639 --> 00:51:59.599
So um at that point, yeah, I was eighteen.
00:51:59.760 --> 00:51:59.920
Okay.
00:52:00.480 --> 00:52:02.639
Um, my senior year.
00:52:03.519 --> 00:52:08.239
And so I was just, you know, doing whatever.
00:52:08.400 --> 00:52:09.119
I didn't really care.
00:52:09.199 --> 00:52:14.000
I was like, okay, you know, especially because I had made friends who had already graduated.
00:52:14.239 --> 00:52:17.840
So they were just, you know, they weren't going to school yet because it was COVID.
00:52:18.320 --> 00:52:19.199
Everybody was home.
00:52:19.360 --> 00:52:19.840
Yeah.
00:52:20.079 --> 00:52:23.519
And so it was just a lifestyle of not caring.
00:52:23.679 --> 00:52:28.000
And I don't have to care because what the world is literally shut down.
00:52:28.320 --> 00:52:29.679
No one can do anything.
00:52:29.760 --> 00:52:33.920
So what's the point of looking at where am I gonna go to school?
00:52:34.079 --> 00:52:37.679
Like, you know, all the things, you know, yeah.
00:52:38.000 --> 00:52:41.440
Being a senior during COVID was insane.
00:52:41.679 --> 00:52:43.360
I didn't have a graduation.
00:52:43.920 --> 00:52:45.920
You know, anyone don't know that joke.
00:52:46.159 --> 00:52:47.599
But LOL.
00:52:48.320 --> 00:52:53.519
Um, but it was yeah, it was very difficult.
00:52:53.679 --> 00:53:06.800
And then also, like, my person who I, you know, confided in and also like, you know, helped me navigate the changes of the world was across the country.
00:53:07.119 --> 00:53:07.679
In LA.
00:53:07.920 --> 00:53:08.079
Yeah.
00:53:08.320 --> 00:53:10.480
So having my own intents.
00:53:10.960 --> 00:53:11.920
The world is shut down.
00:53:12.000 --> 00:53:13.840
My mother is across the country.
00:53:14.159 --> 00:53:20.880
My father's now moved in, and he's wigged out and sad and depressed and uh a low-key alcoholic.
00:53:21.840 --> 00:53:24.079
And it just is weird.
00:53:24.320 --> 00:53:29.360
Also, both my siblings are now back at home in this tiny, tiny house.
00:53:29.920 --> 00:53:39.280
So where my world was just la la la la la is now like a kachink lockdown of can't go nowhere.
00:53:39.679 --> 00:53:44.559
Stuck in the house with now which it was just one other person before, but now three people.
00:53:45.599 --> 00:53:47.039
And two dogs.
00:53:47.199 --> 00:53:47.840
Yes.
00:53:48.400 --> 00:53:53.039
Three people and two dogs in a two three-bedroom house.
00:53:53.199 --> 00:53:53.679
Yes.
00:53:54.000 --> 00:53:55.119
900 square feet.
00:53:55.360 --> 00:53:55.840
Mm-hmm.
00:53:56.320 --> 00:53:56.639
Yep.
00:53:56.960 --> 00:53:58.559
So I just imagine that.
00:53:58.880 --> 00:54:02.800
Um, it was very, very weird to navigate.
00:54:02.960 --> 00:54:10.000
So I think that also pushed me to make more rash decisions of like, I gotta get the fuck out of here.
00:54:10.159 --> 00:54:13.119
Like, this is not doing me well.
00:54:13.280 --> 00:54:18.480
And so I'm gonna pause you right there because I want to say what what I'm doing.
00:54:18.639 --> 00:54:25.280
Okay, so just to kind of give y'all a glimpse, this is going on for a good solid months, right?
00:54:25.360 --> 00:54:31.840
Obviously, you were all part of the lockdown, you know, how long it lasted and what all went with that.
00:54:32.159 --> 00:54:36.480
But I'm in Los Angeles and I'm living by myself.
00:54:36.719 --> 00:54:44.960
I'm working a new job, obviously, from my apartment because we're on lockdown and uh, you know, whatever, there's that story.
00:54:45.280 --> 00:54:48.800
But I'm going through my own little thing, right?
00:54:49.039 --> 00:54:56.719
And I am only getting reports from home from the kids that everything's going okay.
00:54:57.039 --> 00:55:02.079
And even more so, I'm actually thinking how great this is that they're all together.
00:55:02.320 --> 00:55:04.800
I'm thinking it's a great thing, okay?
00:55:05.119 --> 00:55:19.039
Because I'm thinking, well, Sophie's being supervised by her siblings and her dad, and so they're not alone, they're all kind of sheltering in place together, and I felt like I was the odd man out.
00:55:19.360 --> 00:55:32.079
So all this is going on, but Sophie is melting, she's she's going into a place of unreachability, I think.
00:55:32.719 --> 00:55:40.239
And so I'm gonna fast forward to when I decide to come back to Atlanta, move back here.
00:55:40.880 --> 00:55:52.960
Sophie has now been diagnosed with bipolar and life and I feel like at this point, so much is it my fault, whose fault is it?
00:55:53.760 --> 00:55:56.079
You're breaking or you're broken.
00:55:56.639 --> 00:55:56.800
Right.
00:55:57.039 --> 00:55:57.920
How do we fix it?
00:55:59.199 --> 00:56:03.920
With understanding my mental and then also you coming into aware of your own mentality.
00:56:04.159 --> 00:56:11.039
Yes, at the same time, I'm also coming into deep awareness of who what how how I am.
00:56:11.199 --> 00:56:24.480
I mean, I don't want to get into I don't want to get too into the details about my own mental here or now, but let's just say I'm still in the same boat as you, where I'm like, okay, I need some medication and I need weekly therapy.
00:56:24.639 --> 00:56:24.960
Yeah.
00:56:25.119 --> 00:56:25.760
Yeah.
00:56:32.800 --> 00:56:37.440
We are taking a little break as we honor a part of the discussion that is tough to talk about.
00:56:37.679 --> 00:56:40.000
Thank you for hanging with us as we continue.
00:56:48.559 --> 00:56:53.360
We were talking about your diagnosis or diag is that how you say that?
00:56:53.599 --> 00:56:55.360
Diagnosis of bipolar.
00:56:56.239 --> 00:57:02.639
I um wasn't I wasn't um around when you got that diagnosis.
00:57:02.800 --> 00:57:04.800
I was pissed, uh to be honest.
00:57:04.960 --> 00:57:07.599
I was like, what right does anyone have?
00:57:08.239 --> 00:57:11.760
Because we had our you had been going to therapy since junior high.
00:57:12.000 --> 00:57:12.239
Right.
00:57:12.320 --> 00:57:12.480
Yeah.
00:57:12.639 --> 00:57:15.360
And no one had said anything to me about that.
00:57:15.760 --> 00:57:21.199
Um granted you were on anxiety and depression medication.
00:57:21.760 --> 00:57:24.239
Which was ended up being the wrong medication.
00:57:24.639 --> 00:57:49.039
Um, I was also really upset at the doctors and whatnot, and I feel like that carried out through the rest of my mental health journey was that di that misdiagnosis really like messed me up because there were so many times I was on the wrong medication and it had messed me like my mental and my like just life up in general.
00:57:49.519 --> 00:57:52.559
Not completely, but I wasn't it had messed up.
00:57:53.760 --> 00:57:55.679
Yeah, okay, so it messed up your sleeping pattern.
00:57:56.000 --> 00:58:01.760
Yeah, like I there was times where I couldn't sleep for months, um, because the medication that I was taking.
00:58:02.079 --> 00:58:35.440
Um there was times where I wasn't eating or I was overeating, um, gaining a lot of weight, just face breaking out, just a lot of things that were going wrong with my medication, and no one was really paying attention to that because this was at a time where black people in mental health were not it was not coherent and I mean cohesive, I'm sorry.
00:58:36.000 --> 00:59:08.480
And that just created a lot of untrustworthiness with my doctors and not being able to really have that full understanding of what's wrong with me and not wrong with me, but what's going on with me until I got did my own research and for a long time I thought I had bipolar too, which was the kind that, you know, you're depressed and you know, you do have the anxiety, and that's what I was first diagnosed with.
00:59:08.639 --> 00:59:10.559
Again, misdiagnosed.
00:59:11.280 --> 00:59:19.360
Um because of poor listening skills, you know, just quickened diagnosis just to get you at the office.
00:59:19.760 --> 00:59:25.280
Well, and also you were this was all like um virtual.
00:59:25.599 --> 00:59:25.920
Yes.
00:59:26.159 --> 00:59:28.800
Because it was during COVID as well.
00:59:29.119 --> 00:59:38.159
So it was hard to get a gist of like, you know, exactly what needed to be tailored with my brain chemistry.
00:59:38.480 --> 00:59:45.440
Until um I went and sought further treatment at Beechford Hospital.
00:59:45.679 --> 00:59:49.679
Um before you go there, but I want to talk about real quick.
00:59:50.000 --> 00:59:59.280
So I come back from Los Angeles, you're diagnosed bipolar, you've decided I'm living my life, y'all can go kick rocks.
00:59:59.519 --> 01:00:07.199
You you and I aren't as close because you don't trust me, and I don't appreciate this diagnosis you've been given.
01:00:07.280 --> 01:00:10.400
So I'm like, I don't, you know, I rebuke that.
01:00:10.559 --> 01:00:11.199
Yeah.
01:00:11.519 --> 01:00:12.320
Essentially.
01:00:12.880 --> 01:00:14.800
And so we're not connecting.
01:00:14.960 --> 01:00:15.199
Yeah.
01:00:15.440 --> 01:00:18.719
We are, but we're not, you know, surface level, I think.
01:00:19.119 --> 01:00:25.039
And you're living your life, and it's a fast living, because we're all still going through COVID.
01:00:25.280 --> 01:00:30.159
So we're reliving, learning how to learn a new way of living anyway.
01:00:30.320 --> 01:00:30.880
Yeah.
01:00:31.199 --> 01:00:32.960
You're an adult now.
01:00:33.119 --> 01:00:35.920
You are full-on adult on your own.
01:00:36.239 --> 01:00:44.079
And kind of brings us to the point where you were saying in the beginning of the podcast where the 20s were just like fire hydrant to the face.
01:00:44.239 --> 01:00:44.800
Yeah.
01:00:45.199 --> 01:00:49.840
So a bit by bit, like, it definitely didn't start off that way.
01:00:49.920 --> 01:00:54.320
At first, it was just like, okay, like, it's like swimming, you know?
01:00:54.400 --> 01:00:57.760
Like at first, you go in, you jump in, you're like, oh, this is so great.
01:00:58.079 --> 01:00:58.480
Right?
01:00:58.639 --> 01:01:06.320
And then you're swimming, swimming, swimming, and then you're like, oh, I'm getting tired, like, you know, tides getting a little strong.
01:01:06.400 --> 01:01:07.519
I think I want to get out.
01:01:07.679 --> 01:01:08.159
You know.
01:01:08.320 --> 01:01:11.360
So you get out a couple times and you're like, all right, I'm good to go back in.
01:01:11.840 --> 01:01:15.440
And then you go in and then the tide's getting stronger and stronger.
01:01:15.599 --> 01:01:17.360
That's like each year that's going by.
01:01:17.519 --> 01:01:20.480
So 20, um, it's play.
01:01:20.639 --> 01:01:26.079
You know, you're still dancing around in the water, like, oh, I'm finally able to get in the water by myself, you know?
01:01:26.239 --> 01:01:30.320
No one's watching me, no floaties, and you're having a great time.
01:01:30.480 --> 01:01:36.159
And then 22, all right, I'm gonna go out a little further and deeper.
01:01:36.719 --> 01:01:40.320
And because I can do it, you know, like what are y'all talking about?
01:01:40.400 --> 01:01:47.199
It's like I personally feel like anything I told you during that time, you were just like, and fuck off.
01:01:47.360 --> 01:01:50.159
Yeah, like what are you You know nothing.
01:01:52.639 --> 01:01:54.239
Like, yeah, I don't I don't know.
01:01:54.400 --> 01:01:54.480
Yeah.
01:01:54.800 --> 01:02:00.320
Whole time back to the ocean, like not there's a shark behind you.
01:02:00.719 --> 01:02:02.320
I'm like, man, this this stop.
01:02:02.480 --> 01:02:04.320
It's my shadow, like, nah.
01:02:04.639 --> 01:02:18.079
So then, yeah, like going on in 23, you go out there and then you're like, okay, I wanna come you you cut 22, you're okay, you're able to go like a little back into the sh shallow end, like okay.
01:02:18.320 --> 01:02:19.440
From being out in the deep water?
01:02:19.599 --> 01:02:19.840
Yeah.
01:02:20.000 --> 01:02:20.239
Okay.
01:02:20.639 --> 01:02:21.519
At 22, okay.
01:02:21.840 --> 01:02:24.960
Like it gets rough, you're like, okay, I'm gonna go back in, but not too far.
01:02:25.039 --> 01:02:26.559
I'm not, I'm not gonna I'm not a baby.
01:02:26.639 --> 01:02:28.159
I don't need to go back to the shore.
01:02:28.320 --> 01:02:28.639
Right.
01:02:28.800 --> 01:02:29.119
You know?
01:02:29.280 --> 01:02:32.400
So I'm gonna stick in the water, but you know, whatever.
01:02:32.559 --> 01:02:37.519
Um, so you go back out twenty-three, you go back out now even further, because you're like, I know how to swim now.
01:02:37.760 --> 01:02:39.760
I and I've and I've already been through this one.
01:02:40.239 --> 01:02:40.719
Yeah, exactly.
01:02:40.880 --> 01:02:41.599
So I can do it.
01:02:41.760 --> 01:02:44.800
Like, hello, I've already been I've been watching see.
01:02:45.119 --> 01:02:46.639
Yeah, like y'all have been seeing me.
01:02:46.800 --> 01:02:50.880
Yeah, you might have had to come get me up of the water a couple times.
01:02:52.639 --> 01:02:53.119
Yeah.
01:02:53.440 --> 01:02:53.840
Face down.
01:02:54.239 --> 01:02:55.360
Some dinghies have been thrown.
01:02:55.519 --> 01:02:58.000
You had to tell me to stand up, and I said I was drowning.
01:02:58.159 --> 01:03:00.000
But you know of water.
01:03:00.239 --> 01:03:04.000
I learned how to swim eventually, or I'm still learning, like, you know.
01:03:04.320 --> 01:03:08.159
And so then you're like, all right, I'm gonna go out into the waves, right?
01:03:08.480 --> 01:03:17.440
And then the waves start really waving of like, oh, and then you're trying to be like, okay, I want to go back out, but nah, that tide is like, nah, man.
01:03:17.920 --> 01:03:19.440
I got you by, I got you.
01:03:19.679 --> 01:03:20.719
You're not going anywhere.
01:03:21.199 --> 01:03:31.440
Love, love this analogy because there's nothing like you you think, you think you can get out there in the ocean and be like, oh, I'm I'm good, I'm chilling, right?
01:03:31.760 --> 01:03:34.079
That tide, listen, is no joy.
01:03:34.320 --> 01:03:36.400
If it won't you, it's gonna get you.
01:03:36.639 --> 01:03:41.440
Just when you're thinking, like, oh, that little force, like, it's just it's just something that's there.
01:03:41.760 --> 01:03:42.320
Watch and see.
01:03:42.719 --> 01:03:48.239
And then to you get out there and you're like, oh shit, I like actually I'm swimming as hard as I can.
01:03:48.480 --> 01:03:49.440
And where are the edges?
01:03:49.599 --> 01:03:51.599
And I'm going backwards.
01:03:52.000 --> 01:03:54.079
It's pulling me further into the way.
01:03:54.400 --> 01:03:56.320
So I'm like, and then you start panicking.
01:03:56.559 --> 01:03:56.960
Gasping.
01:03:57.280 --> 01:04:07.280
But then there's someone like right there in a boat that's like, hey, take my hand, but then you're like, oh that's the bipolar too.
01:04:07.519 --> 01:04:12.559
Oh like, no, I want to be in the I want to be here.
01:04:12.639 --> 01:04:12.800
Yeah.
01:04:12.960 --> 01:04:13.280
I'm good.
01:04:13.519 --> 01:04:14.239
What are you talking about?
01:04:14.400 --> 01:04:15.039
I'm not drowning.
01:04:15.360 --> 01:04:16.239
I'm not drowning.
01:04:17.679 --> 01:04:20.320
I'm not I'm not drowning.
01:04:20.960 --> 01:04:21.519
Yes.
01:04:21.760 --> 01:04:28.159
And you know what's crazy is that it's not even crazy, but there's such there's such unawareness.
01:04:28.320 --> 01:04:28.639
Right.
01:04:28.880 --> 01:04:33.119
Like there's complete unawareness to the fact that you are drowning.
01:04:33.360 --> 01:04:38.800
Yes, and then you start throwing water at the other person because you're like fucking drowning.
01:04:39.280 --> 01:04:42.639
People are trying to like reach their hand out and grab you, right?
01:04:42.800 --> 01:04:45.760
And you're spoting them away.
01:04:46.079 --> 01:04:47.280
How dare you?
01:04:47.840 --> 01:04:51.039
How dare you ever try to help me?
01:04:51.280 --> 01:04:51.599
Yes.
01:04:51.920 --> 01:04:58.000
And I think that you're that's when your dad and I were like in our on our own accord, like going back to the books.
01:04:58.159 --> 01:05:00.559
We were like, okay, wait, what are we dealing with here?
01:05:00.880 --> 01:05:05.280
And I thought, I I mean, literally, the name of this podcast is Did I Break My Daughter?
01:05:05.519 --> 01:05:15.599
Because I essentially my mind had gone to holy shit, I've gotten through three kids, and uh the last one, I I broke.
01:05:15.760 --> 01:05:16.880
I broke her, God.
01:05:17.119 --> 01:05:18.079
How do I fix her?
01:05:18.400 --> 01:05:21.360
And how do I fix her when she doesn't even think she's broken?
01:05:22.159 --> 01:05:31.119
And there I remember distinctly there was a period of time when God was like, you fix her by taking her hands off your hands off of her.
01:05:31.679 --> 01:05:35.360
And I was like, Yeah, bull, whatever, that's a bull.
01:05:35.519 --> 01:05:42.960
I don't yeah, no, that's not, that's that's not, that's the end and that's the opposite of what I need to do.
01:05:43.440 --> 01:05:59.360
And then but what was happening to you and I was that there were these real visceral times where you were just like angry at me, and I like to say it was because of whatever was going on at the time, but I really do think.
01:06:00.320 --> 01:06:14.800
I think it was a mixture of childhood trauma and the things that like, you know, I was going through with when you guys, you and dad were going through your things and like you could have that attitude about you.
01:06:15.280 --> 01:06:17.440
Um, it was hard for me.
01:06:17.679 --> 01:06:27.519
And then there are a lot of things that I had essentially like had went through that did uh break me in a way.
01:06:27.760 --> 01:06:46.960
And so I was angry about those things and then also angry about not knowing literally uncontrollably angry because my brain again, my brain chemistry is where I'm not knowing, understanding the severity of how angry no of bipolar.
01:06:47.199 --> 01:06:48.000
Oh, gotcha.
01:06:48.480 --> 01:06:50.960
And how deep it runs.
01:06:51.119 --> 01:06:55.920
Like how as much control as you think you have over it, you don't.
01:06:57.199 --> 01:07:01.840
And yes, there are coping diagnosis.
01:07:02.320 --> 01:07:04.400
And you're unmedicated at this point.
01:07:04.559 --> 01:07:06.639
You're unmed uh bipolar diagnosed.
01:07:06.880 --> 01:07:09.599
I'm thinking I can man their managing skills for this.
01:07:09.760 --> 01:07:12.159
Like, you know, yeah, coping skills for this.
01:07:12.320 --> 01:07:13.119
Like, okay.
01:07:13.360 --> 01:07:17.119
Oh, I can just breathe and count to three and I'll be alright.
01:07:17.360 --> 01:07:17.679
No.
01:07:17.920 --> 01:07:23.920
It was I physically could not let my anger go.
01:07:24.400 --> 01:07:46.559
And so both of us not understand, or really just the family not understanding that in general, and so normal arguments turned into nasty, vicious, you know, showdowns, like throwdowns, because I wasn't able to handle my feelings.
01:07:46.960 --> 01:07:53.599
And the at the strength that they were coming in, it was intense.
01:07:54.159 --> 01:07:57.280
So at this point I'm still thinking I'm bipolar too.
01:07:58.880 --> 01:08:11.440
Not realizing, you know, further going into further into my um mental health journey that I'm bipolar one, which is I like to call it the Kanye crazy or the Kanye kind.
01:08:12.159 --> 01:08:13.280
The Kanye kind.
01:08:14.159 --> 01:08:15.360
I love me some Kanye kind.
01:08:15.679 --> 01:08:16.640
Don't be getting on Kanye.
01:08:16.880 --> 01:08:19.119
I'm not it's not a diss real, it's not a diss.
01:08:19.520 --> 01:08:19.840
I have it.
01:08:20.159 --> 01:08:21.119
It's not a diss at all.
01:08:21.279 --> 01:08:22.239
It's literally real.
01:08:22.479 --> 01:08:27.920
Like I understand him because I like I go through that.
01:08:28.079 --> 01:08:30.640
People look at it as like, oh, they're just throwing a tantrum.
01:08:30.720 --> 01:08:33.760
It's like, no, these are real feelings and they're valid feelings.
01:08:34.159 --> 01:08:42.319
But the level that my brain chemistry is out the chemicals that my brain is pushing out is an explosive amount.
01:08:42.720 --> 01:08:45.119
So I'm having an explosive reaction.
01:08:45.279 --> 01:08:45.520
Yes.
01:08:45.760 --> 01:08:48.319
But people aren't noticing the whole time we be right.
01:08:48.479 --> 01:09:04.560
Like, not all the time, because we also have that man mania about us where we have the the paranoia, the um, you know, the psychosis moments as well.
01:09:04.800 --> 01:09:07.600
So that's uh even harder to deal with as well.
01:09:08.000 --> 01:09:14.720
I'll say that when you get angry, when you get angry, I liken it to just like you will not release it.
01:09:14.880 --> 01:09:17.600
You will Yeah, no, you cannot let it know.
01:09:17.840 --> 01:09:18.079
Yeah.
01:09:18.239 --> 01:09:27.680
If it does not matter what anyone says, even if we say, okay, we 100% agree, you're right, you're right, just to kind of decompress.
01:09:28.000 --> 01:09:28.319
Right.
01:09:28.479 --> 01:09:28.640
No.
01:09:28.960 --> 01:09:31.199
Or even if we were wrong, like you were there.
01:09:31.439 --> 01:09:33.520
There's no way out of this, like you're wrong.
01:09:33.760 --> 01:09:35.119
Like and you're gonna hear it.
01:09:35.600 --> 01:09:36.079
Yeah.
01:09:36.319 --> 01:09:50.239
But if you don't No, I'm talking about how if I was wrong, like it like how you guys would have to navigate me being dead wrong and me still like in my delusional mind, like it wasn't even about wrong or right at that point.
01:09:50.319 --> 01:09:52.319
It was how do we calm her down?
01:09:52.560 --> 01:09:52.960
Yeah.
01:09:53.199 --> 01:10:08.239
But if you do not have the tools, if you don't have a awareness and knowledge about these things happening, if you're like me, where I was sitting in complete denial that you even were bipolar in the first place, then this is a tantrum.
01:10:08.479 --> 01:10:09.840
This is what I'm seeing, right?
01:10:10.000 --> 01:10:20.000
So I'm thinking I'm responding to a tantrum, and the way that I in times pass is get it together, straighten it up, you know, do what you gotta do.
01:10:20.159 --> 01:10:22.079
I don't know what that is, but figure it out.
01:10:22.159 --> 01:10:24.960
Right, come on, we get it lock and step, let's get this going.
01:10:25.119 --> 01:10:30.800
And then, so that was my mind of bullheadedness into me to where I like completely revolted.
01:10:30.880 --> 01:10:33.039
I was like, No.
01:10:33.600 --> 01:10:34.000
Yeah.
01:10:34.159 --> 01:10:40.079
And that no became fear, no, no, fuck you.
01:10:40.319 --> 01:10:49.199
Yeah, no, like easy, angry, like you talk to your mom like that, and I was like, Yeah, like no dough.
01:10:49.600 --> 01:10:59.439
The between fist fights, spitting in the face, all of it was just complete insanity of I can't control you.
01:11:00.079 --> 01:11:01.359
You can't control me.
01:11:01.680 --> 01:11:06.319
And I don't know, maybe you thought at the time I have control of me.
01:11:06.640 --> 01:11:07.920
Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
01:11:08.000 --> 01:11:16.880
Like, I thought I had complete control and I was sane in these moments of like I'm right, like, but being dead wrong.
01:11:17.119 --> 01:11:17.199
Yeah.
01:11:17.600 --> 01:11:21.439
But I can't comprehend that because I'm in psychosis at that moment.
01:11:21.680 --> 01:11:36.399
Or like in Yeah, there's no other way to put it, but in psychosis, of in like of this is not that intense, or like I'm not recognizing what's going on around me, or like the state that I'm slipping into.
01:11:36.880 --> 01:11:51.279
So then I think that's where a lot of our arguments come from, of like yes, being like it's we're able to coexist right now in such a special space because it's been both sided our like our arguments.
01:11:51.439 --> 01:12:05.279
Like it's been we're able to articulate to each other like and see each other's point of view, but that's gone that's had to come through really insane moments.
01:12:05.760 --> 01:12:26.880
Absolutely, because well one when when s I often I didn't get here overnight, but one of the things that I often refer to now, I I do this quite often, is if I keep experiencing something, then I stop and I say to myself, I s try to step out of side of myself and say, Why do you keep experiencing this?
01:12:27.359 --> 01:12:28.560
And that was you and me.
01:12:28.720 --> 01:12:36.319
Like we would be doing great, and then all of a sudden there would just be this Rift and it would be out of fucking nowhere.
01:12:36.560 --> 01:12:38.720
Nowhere, and it would be so explosive.
01:12:38.960 --> 01:12:44.239
I mean, one time I went to jail, if that gives you guys any idea of how explosive they would get.
01:13:27.359 --> 01:13:48.399
Was that I had to say, oh, wait a minute, is there something going on with me mentally that I have been pushing down and using, what did she say, coping mechanisms, techniques to work around this bigger mental thing that's going on.
01:13:49.119 --> 01:14:22.319
And so once I finally stopped and allowed myself to go down that road, which led to then me sitting in therapy once a week and doing my form of medication um supervised um to meet to get to the point where I was able to sit down and have a conversation with Sophie from an authentic place of yo, homie, I might be, I might have broke you, but guess what?
01:14:22.479 --> 01:14:25.520
I might be broken too, or I am broken too.
01:14:25.680 --> 01:14:37.039
And so what this this might be more of like a healing for the both of us in a weird kind of way because I'm broken too.
01:14:37.279 --> 01:15:04.079
And I'm admitting to you that in order for me to accept that you're broken and that you need healing, I had to first see that I yeah, I think that's where a lot of our um healing in our relationship came from was seeing the um both sides of it of our stories.
01:15:04.319 --> 01:15:41.520
And I uh was once I was able to understand your childhood and you know your life in general, I think I was able to invoke empathy in those moments, if anything but that of okay, I know even though I felt in times where I felt done wrong or anything like that, it was I was able to understand, okay, you don't know anything but or this is what's been done to you, or like something is you know there.
01:15:41.600 --> 01:15:46.880
I don't I'm trying always tried to have the understanding of that's not who you are.
01:15:47.199 --> 01:16:15.760
Well, and then it would be amazing because when we you would come to me with these conversations that you would have with or information or or knowledge that like so like one of them was neurodivergency, and you're like, Mom, look at this, read this, and we talked about it, and I when once we started talking more and more about different mental, I don't want to say issues, but mental things, okay, let's say it that way, for lack of better terms.
01:16:16.319 --> 01:16:32.159
We were able, I was able to now start seeing words and definitions that describe feelings that I had that no one ever said, This is this, and this is why you're feeling this, or this is what triggers this.
01:16:32.560 --> 01:16:44.399
So for my family, there's a long line of mental health, you know, crises and issues that we've recovered and gone through and recovered and gone through.
01:16:44.640 --> 01:16:56.239
And no one's ever talked about it openly, no one's ever been properly diagnosed or said, This is what's happening, and let me explain it to you so you can live with it or whatever.
01:16:56.479 --> 01:17:06.319
And so, again, here you are bringing a new awareness, a new level to my world, and we're just we're navigating through our relationship.
01:17:06.560 --> 01:17:22.560
You're navigating through whether or not you even want to be on medication, and then you're also navigating being a supposed trying to be a thriving woman out here in these streets.
01:17:22.800 --> 01:17:26.560
Yeah, a functioning adult, like yeah, all on top of that.
01:17:27.199 --> 01:17:27.840
Yeah.
01:17:28.079 --> 01:17:37.600
And but not understanding that, like what I'm going through mentally, and how that's affecting my everyday life.
01:17:38.319 --> 01:17:47.279
And that was very challenging in understanding like how that was affecting my decisions.
01:17:47.600 --> 01:18:12.079
Like the people you were around, and the relationships that I pursued, the spaces that I would um allow myself to be in, thinking that I had it all under control and like, you know, I'm safe, or you know, even not even knowing that I wasn't safe, but still thinking that I had a handle or a grasp on the situation, like it'll be fine.
01:18:12.239 --> 01:18:16.560
Or even leaving it up to to to God, like, well, God's got me.
01:18:16.880 --> 01:18:17.279
Yes.
01:18:17.520 --> 01:18:20.319
That's how like insane it really got, like, yeah.
01:18:20.640 --> 01:18:25.359
Of not necessarily caring or anything like that.
01:18:25.760 --> 01:18:29.520
Waking up and seeing yourself in environments that you were like, How'd I get here?
01:18:30.079 --> 01:18:31.680
Was it that extreme?
01:18:32.560 --> 01:18:34.479
Yeah, for sure.
01:18:35.760 --> 01:18:42.000
So then what led us to let's talk about the elephant in the room.
01:18:42.560 --> 01:18:52.079
You know, you're you're you're here now, you're 24, and I'm gonna say barely by the grace of God, you're here now in 24.
01:18:52.720 --> 01:19:02.319
Well, that's a very big part of um life right now, is that I really almost didn't make it to 24, and that's being real.
01:19:02.560 --> 01:19:13.359
Like, I was went through a very insane situation, and I won't even like relate it to just me, my mental health crisis.
01:19:13.600 --> 01:19:21.520
I think it was just the type of waters that I realized that I was in shark infested.
01:19:21.920 --> 01:19:27.840
And I thought me, I thought I was a shark the whole time I was bait.
01:19:28.880 --> 01:19:33.359
And being in that, I was torn to shreds.
01:19:34.000 --> 01:19:37.840
And I was just mentally done at that point.
01:19:37.920 --> 01:19:51.680
I felt like I felt betrayed, I felt worthless, you know, just I was just at such a point of I'm just mentally exhausted.
01:19:51.760 --> 01:19:53.199
I cannot take anymore.
01:19:53.920 --> 01:20:05.039
And it wasn't making sense to me how people could be this way, and what was the point of like I this was something that I kept asking I continuously ask myself in life.
01:20:05.199 --> 01:20:31.840
Um I say continuously because I don't know if I'll ever stop asking myself this, but what's the point of being a good person when the world is so ugly, or people can be so ugly even when you are a good person to them, or like you've done right by them and they still choose violence, or they still choose um Yeah, just to be ugly.
01:20:32.720 --> 01:20:36.479
And I just wasn't understanding it.
01:20:36.720 --> 01:20:44.560
And at that point I was just like, alright, if I'm I'd rather not be operate on this plane of earth anymore.
01:20:44.640 --> 01:20:48.720
If this is just how humanity is, it's just I'm looking at everything around me.
01:20:49.039 --> 01:20:50.880
It's hard, you're working hard, yeah.
01:20:51.600 --> 01:20:54.399
I feel like I'm doing all the right things financially.
01:20:54.560 --> 01:21:05.840
You're trying to, you know, you're working your job, you're a dog groomer, you you're not just a you know, dog washer, you've gone to school, you've done the work, you're now in your field.
01:21:06.239 --> 01:21:10.720
Trained professionally in my career, trying to live on your own.
01:21:10.960 --> 01:21:13.520
The world is not handing you that easy.
01:21:13.840 --> 01:21:20.880
It's like, okay, I mean, it's not easy right now to afford one's life.
01:21:21.199 --> 01:21:21.600
Yeah.
01:21:21.840 --> 01:21:27.279
Especially for a 23-year-old single black woman with no children.
01:21:27.439 --> 01:21:27.600
Right.
01:21:27.760 --> 01:21:32.800
And I say no children because we don't get relief from the government.
01:21:33.039 --> 01:21:39.520
If you d if I don't have kids or I'm not married, I get no type of there's nothing for people like me.
01:21:39.760 --> 01:21:39.920
Right.
01:21:40.239 --> 01:21:41.760
Or women like me.
01:21:41.920 --> 01:21:42.159
Yeah.
01:21:42.399 --> 01:21:42.800
In that.
01:21:42.880 --> 01:21:45.119
So it's up to us to just figure out the rest.
01:21:45.279 --> 01:21:51.680
We don't get since I was working, I don't get food stamps or anything like that, even though I was homeless.
01:21:52.479 --> 01:21:56.000
Um or didn't have a stable place to stay.
01:21:56.079 --> 01:22:02.720
I was still like staying with my dad, but you know, he's out of I'm grown now, so I'm having to sustain myself.
01:22:03.119 --> 01:22:09.600
Um into and yeah, I was honestly pushed to move out.
01:22:09.760 --> 01:22:20.159
And, you know, both parents wanting their own individual freedom and me feeling like, you know, not wanting to be a burden on anybody, and then also wanting my own independence.
01:22:20.479 --> 01:22:31.119
Well, and then also to be honest, thinking about, I mean, your dad and I too, at the age you are now, we had been married for three, four years.
01:22:31.279 --> 01:22:32.479
We already had a child.
01:22:32.640 --> 01:22:33.119
Yeah.
01:22:33.359 --> 01:22:35.199
And so it was a totally different life.
01:22:35.439 --> 01:22:37.600
So why why wouldn't you be out on your own?
01:22:37.840 --> 01:22:38.000
Exactly.
01:22:38.159 --> 01:22:39.279
That's kind of how we were thinking.
01:22:39.600 --> 01:22:39.760
Right.
01:22:40.000 --> 01:22:50.319
And I feel like that's, you know, kind of the theme with a lot of, you know, parents and their offspring right now, um, that they're dealing with that that goes to another point.
01:22:50.560 --> 01:22:51.279
They're offspring.
01:22:51.520 --> 01:22:51.680
Yeah.
01:22:51.840 --> 01:22:57.359
I don't I don't want to say like children are like, you know, they're just they're adult children, I'll say.
01:22:57.520 --> 01:22:59.359
Um they're offspring.
01:23:01.039 --> 01:23:04.239
But uh just life is difficult.
01:23:04.479 --> 01:23:05.279
Life is difficult.
01:23:05.520 --> 01:23:11.520
And going through these very tumultuous relationships, and at the time I have two boyfriends.
01:23:11.920 --> 01:23:14.159
And yeah, man, big pimping.
01:23:15.039 --> 01:23:15.680
Yeah.
01:23:16.560 --> 01:23:18.079
What wasn't enough?
01:23:18.399 --> 01:23:18.880
No, man.
01:23:19.199 --> 01:23:19.920
Okay, we woke up.
01:23:20.319 --> 01:23:25.840
We're not gonna go into detail on that, but yeah, just know that Sophie Ella was having that motion.
01:23:27.439 --> 01:23:31.199
And that just that as you would think, that did not end well.
01:23:31.439 --> 01:23:33.600
And um that did not end well, no.
01:23:33.840 --> 01:23:35.199
Do you want to talk about that?
01:23:35.439 --> 01:23:36.000
Not really.
01:23:36.239 --> 01:23:36.399
Okay.
01:23:36.720 --> 01:23:39.119
No, it's just that's gonna lend that's gonna be a good one.
01:23:39.279 --> 01:23:43.199
It's a whole other can't do it.
01:23:43.359 --> 01:23:46.399
Not that I can't, but it's just y'all, it's just too long to see.
01:23:46.640 --> 01:23:48.560
It's everything that you would think it would be.
01:23:48.720 --> 01:23:51.680
Trying to manage your own life at 23.
01:23:51.840 --> 01:23:52.159
Yep.
01:23:52.399 --> 01:23:53.760
With two boyfriends.
01:23:54.319 --> 01:23:58.720
And and they are living they lives the way that they live.
01:23:58.880 --> 01:23:59.279
Mm-hmm.
01:23:59.439 --> 01:24:06.399
And okay, so you find yourself in this position where you are okay, let's keep let's just sum it up.
01:24:06.560 --> 01:24:08.079
Depleted, try depleted.
01:24:08.159 --> 01:24:08.560
Mm-hmm.
01:24:08.960 --> 01:24:09.920
Completely depleted.
01:24:10.159 --> 01:24:10.479
Yes.
01:24:10.640 --> 01:24:20.880
This energy vampire is all around and not doing myself any justice of trying to I was trying to get right, but then that's where the mental health was.
01:24:21.039 --> 01:24:32.560
I was still not taking any medications, so then that mania would come swoop right in and write me off my feet of all the plans that I set out to do and the responsibilities that I set out to do.
01:24:32.960 --> 01:24:38.640
But then now taken over by endless side plots and side quests and things like that.
01:24:39.039 --> 01:24:56.479
I remember th seeing and I clearly identifying, I was like, okay, Sophie's on a so I see it as like a swell, you know, like a the buildup of uh uh whatever a swell builds up to, a tsunami, a wave, a something.
01:24:56.800 --> 01:24:59.119
It's gonna come crashing down at some point.
01:24:59.359 --> 01:25:11.840
But I could see it happening because you would come over, you'd be like, Mom, come over for dinner, I'll spend the weekend, and we would eat dinner and chill, and in the middle of the night, I'd wake up and Sophie would be gone.
01:25:12.079 --> 01:25:22.960
And I'd be like, wait, and she would in her mind, I guess I'm assuming this was my point of view, she was like, Okay, well, I I guess I had something.
01:25:23.039 --> 01:25:25.119
I w they called, they said, Can you come out?
01:25:25.279 --> 01:25:31.199
I can't even I went out, and but I would I only saw it from like what the fuck?
01:25:31.359 --> 01:25:36.239
Like, she tells me you in the middle of the night, vanished, gone.
01:25:36.560 --> 01:25:38.239
And middle of the night.
01:25:38.399 --> 01:25:38.560
Yeah.
01:25:39.199 --> 01:25:49.760
Saying goodbye, like I was not even goodbye, but saying goodnight, I'll see you when I would go in here and watch TV, say good night, I'll be in there in a minute to go to sleep.
01:25:50.000 --> 01:25:52.720
And then I would be, she would wake up in the morning and I would be gone.
01:25:53.039 --> 01:25:56.079
Like all my stuff in me gone.
01:25:56.399 --> 01:26:05.600
And that was a tough, I'm not gonna lie, that was a hard time for me because that was that time where I was like, okay, God, how do I help her?
01:26:05.840 --> 01:26:08.399
And God's response was let her go.
01:26:09.119 --> 01:26:21.439
And so my way of coping to be there for Sophie was uh I have to let her fly, and I actually have to let her crash and burn.
01:26:21.840 --> 01:26:28.800
And so I woke up one morning at 4 30 in the morning, which is my typical time, it's not like anything shocking.
01:26:28.880 --> 01:26:42.159
I wake up every morning at 4 30, I check my cell phone, and there is a text from you, uh essentially goodbye text that you had sent several hours before my reading it.
01:26:42.319 --> 01:26:42.960
Yeah.
01:26:43.279 --> 01:26:52.640
So I'm gonna fast forward us to the night really, it was then now the next morning, that I thought you were dead.
01:26:52.880 --> 01:26:53.520
Yeah.
01:26:54.640 --> 01:26:57.760
Um, that night was very interesting.
01:26:57.920 --> 01:26:59.520
It was very traumatic.
01:26:59.760 --> 01:27:01.520
Still dealing with it now.
01:27:03.119 --> 01:27:06.000
Um it was hard.
01:27:06.960 --> 01:27:17.279
I had gone through honestly so much during that whole day that I was just had completely lost my faith in humanity and myself.
01:27:17.760 --> 01:27:20.000
I had felt like just defeated.
01:27:20.159 --> 01:27:20.399
Yeah.
01:27:20.560 --> 01:27:29.680
And so in that defeatedness, I decided to just go out like Simpaku style, to say the least.
01:27:29.840 --> 01:27:36.800
Um, I had fought my battle, I lost, and I wanted to die with honor, with the honor I had left.
01:27:37.199 --> 01:27:59.840
Cause at this point, like we talked about, I had given my so much of myself away, and so many intimate parts of myself as well, not just with sex, but with my um my mental, my time, my my energy, my things, like all of that was just I was just given away.
01:28:00.239 --> 01:28:01.680
Like just here, here, here.
01:28:02.319 --> 01:28:03.680
And I left myself with nothing.
01:28:03.760 --> 01:28:19.760
And then at the end of the day, at when I didn't have anything left to give and I needed help to replenish, I was just kicked down by and especially by someone that like um I thought I would be like spending the rest of my life with.
01:28:20.239 --> 01:28:26.159
And who was really like not even just romantically, but in a friendship kind of way.
01:28:26.239 --> 01:28:43.039
Like I thought this was someone that like looked out for me and you know wanted what was best for me, but then ended up just blatantly dis attacking, and it was brutal, it was violent, it was disgusting.
01:28:44.159 --> 01:28:50.720
And after that, like I said, I was just done with I was disgusted myself with humanity.
01:28:51.439 --> 01:29:04.319
So I told I, you know, went inside after that all bruised up and so let me just let me just say real quick it because of this incident, this incident happened on a random night.
01:29:04.560 --> 01:29:04.880
Yeah.
01:29:05.039 --> 01:29:05.840
A random asked.
01:29:06.319 --> 01:29:13.199
A random night, a random Tuesday, this person, a trusted friend at the time was called for help.
01:29:13.439 --> 01:29:13.760
Yeah.
01:29:13.920 --> 01:29:15.600
Um, because you needed help.
01:29:16.640 --> 01:29:25.920
And in instead, they came over in a in a way themselves and then proceeded to jump you.
01:29:26.159 --> 01:29:26.800
Yeah.
01:29:27.439 --> 01:29:30.399
And there was and they beat you, basically.
01:29:30.640 --> 01:29:30.800
Yeah.
01:29:31.039 --> 01:29:32.239
Beat you up bad.
01:29:32.800 --> 01:29:33.439
Yeah.
01:29:33.920 --> 01:29:38.000
I um was very shocked about it.
01:29:38.079 --> 01:29:47.920
You know, obviously I did my best to fight back and, you know, protect myself, but at the same time, it just hurt me so bad because this was someone that I never thought I would be doing this with.
01:29:48.159 --> 01:29:48.800
Yeah.
01:29:49.119 --> 01:29:53.279
And like ever thought I would be doing this with.
01:29:54.880 --> 01:30:12.720
Even though it was such an abusive relationship, like I still never thought like I would be in that position of like having to like defend myself from you in your behavior in like such a visceral way.
01:30:12.960 --> 01:30:14.000
Yeah, exactly.
01:30:14.159 --> 01:30:20.000
And so that just jumped me out of completely just lost me from the plot.
01:30:20.239 --> 01:30:26.239
At this point, I was being broken, broken, broke, or like chipped away, and now I'm just shattered.
01:30:26.479 --> 01:30:26.800
Broken.
01:30:27.119 --> 01:30:38.479
I don't even know, like I'm still examining the pieces today while I'm filming this podcast of uh still finding pieces that were shattered of who I was.
01:30:38.720 --> 01:30:59.279
And speaking of shards, that's exactly what I went to go do was I grabbed a candle and I broke it in half um on a window seal and took the pointy bit and started digging into my wrist of just a a candle holder, you mean that was holding the colour.
01:31:00.159 --> 01:31:01.279
Yeah, the candle holder.
01:31:01.920 --> 01:31:11.439
Um out of pure just agony and distraughtness, just being outdone.
01:31:12.079 --> 01:31:45.760
And it was so much anger going on, like I'm still uh going through the motions of just having fought what I who I thought was my best friend and and it was just a lot going on in the m s spinning of my mind and you know, eventually uh, you know, cutting past all that, you know, not to well I mean you don't want to go we don't want to I it's not that we wanna uh how do I want to say this?
01:31:45.920 --> 01:31:59.359
We want you all to understand it was a very dark time and it's not one that we you know obviously wanna walk back down moment by moment in, but as dark as you can imagine it it was.
01:31:59.520 --> 01:32:18.319
I I I will tell you from my standpoint I when I got the message and I saw what it said, I knew immediately um that Sophie had something was happening, that she either harmed herself or something was going on.
01:32:18.560 --> 01:32:27.039
So I called the police to go to where she was living because I was pretty sure that they were gonna go and find her.
01:32:27.439 --> 01:32:40.560
And so they sent out dispatch and um they called me back and not but like 10 minutes later to tell me that they had taken her to the hospital.
01:32:40.960 --> 01:32:43.199
And I was like, is she alive?
01:32:43.359 --> 01:32:44.239
Is she alive?
01:32:44.479 --> 01:32:46.239
Um, what happened?
01:32:46.560 --> 01:33:13.279
And the officer that called shared with me that someone from another location, not the location of which she was at, but if someone from another location called 911, and so they dispatched out, and that he, that officer, helped put her in the EMT, and they had taken her to the hospital, and that she was responsive.
01:33:13.680 --> 01:33:21.279
So at least at this point I know she's alive, and we rushed to the hospital and we play out from there.
01:33:21.680 --> 01:33:32.800
And um, I won't give you a moment-by-moment play, but it was um everything that you would imagine your worst nightmare to be.
01:33:33.119 --> 01:33:43.520
Because not only am I seeing her with her wrist slit, um, but in a hospital bed, but I'm also seeing her the effects of having been beat up.
01:33:43.600 --> 01:33:55.359
So her she's black and blue, got cuts all over her, and I am enraged, I'm angry, I want to take it out on somebody.
01:33:55.920 --> 01:34:10.239
Um, we learn more than we want to know about the evening and what had transpired, and it was just it was really the scariest moment that I had ever walked through as a parent.
01:34:10.479 --> 01:34:32.319
Um and but I'm eternally grateful that I'm sitting here being able to look across from her now because if you're listening to this and you've been listening to this from the beginning, you know that we talked a little bit about Sophie's best friend Kyla and her mother Laura and how they played an important part of her life when she was in junior high.
01:34:32.479 --> 01:34:42.560
So I think this is a great place to kind of make a full circle moment and tie back in our love of Kyla and Laura and how they played a part into you being here today.
01:34:42.800 --> 01:34:43.039
Mm-hmm.
01:34:43.199 --> 01:34:51.119
They definitely saved my life, and that's no like small thing to say, like, if not for them, I would not be here.
01:34:52.079 --> 01:34:55.359
And that's as true as I can really say it.
01:34:55.439 --> 01:35:01.039
It's is in its essence, I would not be here if it were not for Kyla and Laura.
01:35:02.079 --> 01:35:07.680
I had gotten the willpower God had sent me to get up.
01:35:08.479 --> 01:35:14.239
And from at this point, I'm having thrown up, I'm woozy, have had bled out so much.
01:35:14.560 --> 01:35:15.439
You had a concussion.
01:35:15.520 --> 01:35:16.720
And yes, concussed.
01:35:17.199 --> 01:35:18.000
Blown in my eye.
01:35:18.239 --> 01:35:21.760
Yeah, my eye was blown out, uh, bludgeoned red.
01:35:22.640 --> 01:35:29.760
And um so I'm walking through the house with this m pounding migraine and dripping.
01:35:30.079 --> 01:35:31.039
Dripping blood.
01:35:31.279 --> 01:35:31.680
Yeah.
01:35:31.840 --> 01:35:40.319
Um, and I walk finally get outside and I find my phone, which I had thrown earlier, um, during the altercation.
01:35:40.880 --> 01:35:52.560
And so I found it in, you know, leading on through these steps, there was so like God and it was anointed these these steps that I was taking.
01:35:52.880 --> 01:36:10.159
One to note that, you know, when I had did that initial gash on my wrist, it was uh, I want to say a centimeter to the right um of saving my life, of not cutting a main artery.
01:36:10.479 --> 01:36:22.640
And um there was that, so then when I went to go get my phone, I had to stutch, I was barefoot, and I stepped on clean, freshly rained on grass.
01:36:23.279 --> 01:36:27.760
And I could feel the soil and the cold on my feet that woke me up again.
01:36:28.479 --> 01:36:45.119
And because I at this point I you have to remember, I'm like going in and out of consciousness, I'm almost passing out, like I'm sending text messages and because I know it's it's about time, and I had forgotten to do that, and I didn't want to leave anyone, you know, not knowing what had happened.
01:36:46.000 --> 01:36:59.359
And so I I something told me to call Kyla, and at first it went to voicemail, and then I don't know why, but I called again and she picked up and she said the funniest thing.
01:36:59.520 --> 01:37:02.000
She said, You better be dying.
01:37:02.239 --> 01:37:05.199
And I said, Yeah, man.
01:37:05.760 --> 01:37:07.119
Actually, yeah.
01:37:07.520 --> 01:37:07.760
Wow.
01:37:08.000 --> 01:37:08.479
I am.
01:37:08.560 --> 01:37:17.840
I'm I'm about to pass out, and I just wanted to call you and let you know, like, I don't want this me being gone to stop your life.
01:37:18.000 --> 01:37:21.119
Please do not stop living because I'm gone.
01:37:22.079 --> 01:37:26.960
And I wanted her to be prepared because we're very much the same, like that.
01:37:27.039 --> 01:37:36.399
We're very like um meticulous and you know, need, you know, our to-do list and whatnot, and be prepared for things.
01:37:36.479 --> 01:37:37.760
So I just wanted to do that.
01:37:37.840 --> 01:37:41.039
Was my best friend, and I wanted to give I felt like I owed her that.
01:37:41.439 --> 01:38:07.680
You know, after all the time that she spent with me and all that of that's I mean, I'm I'm I'm moved because excuse me, because I think about even still in the moment of your dying, you're leaving, you're thinking about others and you're thinking, how can I be a service to to you and my transition and yeah, how can I make this easy for you?
01:38:07.840 --> 01:38:08.079
Yeah.
01:38:08.479 --> 01:38:08.880
Goodness.
01:38:09.119 --> 01:38:09.439
Okay.
01:38:09.760 --> 01:38:13.520
I kept having to reiterate like I didn't want to be selfish, this wasn't anything.
01:38:13.680 --> 01:38:15.520
I wasn't like asking for your help.
01:38:15.680 --> 01:38:15.920
Yeah.
01:38:16.079 --> 01:38:17.520
This was a final done decision.
01:38:17.760 --> 01:38:23.680
I mean, I I I mean in total candidness, obviously, we know that I attempted to take my life.
01:38:23.920 --> 01:38:33.680
And so I I remember calling my mom thinking, you know, mom, just so you know, I love you, and I just want you to be ready, right?
01:38:33.920 --> 01:38:34.319
Yeah.
01:38:34.479 --> 01:38:36.880
And it's very weird how the Yeah.
01:38:37.119 --> 01:38:51.600
So I but I again relate it back to that fight mechanism in our brain and how it we our brain, not even that, but that our soul will fight for us to stay alive and keep going.
01:38:52.159 --> 01:39:00.159
So then in, you know, my moments we called and um I wouldn't tell her where I was at, and she kept begging and pleading.
01:39:00.319 --> 01:39:04.079
At this point she knew it was serious and I wasn't joking.
01:39:04.479 --> 01:39:08.479
Um, and I hung up and I went to go finish the job.
01:39:08.560 --> 01:39:14.720
Like went back upstairs and was determined, okay, this is it.
01:39:14.880 --> 01:39:20.000
I put my phone on the bed and went back into the bathroom so I wouldn't hear it ring.
01:39:20.159 --> 01:39:20.479
Yeah.
01:39:20.880 --> 01:39:28.479
And um, you know, went to go finish, but then um I came back out.
01:39:28.640 --> 01:39:38.560
I did skip over one part, but um there was a dog that came in the room when I was bleeding and you know, just on the floor.
01:39:38.800 --> 01:39:41.199
She and she came in late on my feet.
01:39:42.239 --> 01:39:49.600
And her warmth and just she just she didn't lick me, she wasn't excited, she just sat with me.
01:39:50.159 --> 01:39:57.039
Because she had seen everything that I had gone through in the day and that like the fight.
01:39:57.279 --> 01:39:57.680
Yeah.
01:39:59.199 --> 01:40:15.199
And she had just known how tired I was because she had seen even before the fight, she had seen my tireless efforts, and you know, she she knew me to be the person that looked out for her when she was left alone.
01:40:15.520 --> 01:40:15.840
The dog.
01:40:16.159 --> 01:40:31.119
Yeah, because there was a point where she was in a room by herself, you know, in her own, you know, extra men and no food, no water, and I took care of her, and I helped her out, and she helped me out in the end.
01:40:31.199 --> 01:40:35.279
And so I got back up and Kyle was calling.
01:40:35.439 --> 01:40:37.760
Um, so I answered the phone.
01:40:38.000 --> 01:40:41.920
Um, and at this point I'm so tired, like I just lay down on the bed.
01:40:42.560 --> 01:40:46.960
And again, my wrist is elevated, so I'm at like I'm not bleeding anymore.
01:40:47.119 --> 01:40:50.960
I'm just really like um tired.
01:40:51.600 --> 01:40:54.560
And um Laura calls.
01:40:55.039 --> 01:40:55.760
Kyla's mom.
01:40:56.079 --> 01:41:03.520
Yeah, uh, because I still won't give Kyla the the address or anything like that, and I'm not really responsive.
01:41:04.560 --> 01:41:11.359
So, but then I answer Laura's call for some reason, and I tell her where I'm at.
01:41:11.680 --> 01:41:23.840
And, you know, she was a I think it was because she was able to talk to me in such a way of like, I'm like, I'm so sorry, baby, like shouldn't have happened to you.
01:41:24.159 --> 01:41:26.079
But like tell me where you're at, you know?
01:41:26.319 --> 01:41:26.560
Right.
01:41:26.800 --> 01:41:29.600
I'm gonna come, I'm gonna come to get you, okay?
01:41:29.840 --> 01:41:30.319
Yeah.
01:41:30.560 --> 01:41:40.399
So it was like me forgetting that I had a home and like people that really, really love me.
01:41:40.640 --> 01:41:40.960
Yeah.
01:41:41.279 --> 01:41:51.439
Especially after an event of like someone that I had loved and thought cared about me did not and had done something so nasty to me.
01:41:53.039 --> 01:42:01.520
And so I told her where I was at, and she stayed on the phone with me and kept me awake.
01:42:02.319 --> 01:42:08.399
Um and we just talked about silliest things, like we just talked.
01:42:09.039 --> 01:42:11.279
She's not talking about the pig and Josh.
01:42:11.520 --> 01:42:17.600
Um, no, not at that point, but like we just, you know, she's like, Well, you know, what have you been doing?
01:42:17.840 --> 01:42:24.319
And, you know, she was talking about her day and all that, and she's like, Oh, well, I had the kids today and all that.
01:42:24.399 --> 01:42:27.920
I was like, Yeah, you know, just keeping me awake until they got there.
01:42:28.079 --> 01:42:28.560
Yeah.
01:42:28.880 --> 01:42:32.560
And um, because I'm at this point I'm very lucid.
01:42:32.720 --> 01:42:41.199
I don't remember m really much what we talked about, but I'm you know, about to pass out um or in and out.
01:42:41.520 --> 01:42:46.720
I'm really am passing out, but like she's anytime she talks, I come back awake.
01:42:46.960 --> 01:42:49.199
You're almost usually her voice as an anchor.
01:42:51.039 --> 01:42:54.319
Because you have to think like I'm concussed and I've also lost a lot of blood.
01:42:54.479 --> 01:42:54.720
Right.
01:42:54.880 --> 01:42:57.119
So my body is tired.
01:42:57.279 --> 01:42:57.680
Yes.
01:42:57.920 --> 01:43:02.319
And um I'm throwing up on myself the whole nine.
01:43:02.479 --> 01:43:06.720
And then they get there, I open the door, and I look like Carrie.
01:43:07.039 --> 01:43:13.439
Like I'm covered in blood, head to toe, throw up on me, eye black, just I look crazy.
01:43:13.760 --> 01:43:14.560
And you've been beat up.
01:43:14.640 --> 01:43:14.800
Yeah.
01:43:15.600 --> 01:43:16.640
Like you said, yeah.
01:43:18.159 --> 01:43:26.960
And so they're like, you know, shocked and are not necessarily shocked, but they're like, Okay, what's going on here?
01:43:27.119 --> 01:43:30.239
Like, you're in here by yourself, but you look like this.
01:43:30.479 --> 01:43:34.000
They didn't see like my wrist, or they didn't know necessarily what was going on.
01:43:34.239 --> 01:43:34.399
Okay.
01:43:34.720 --> 01:43:40.000
They just saw a bloody woman in, you know, in the condition that I was in.
01:43:40.239 --> 01:43:41.760
So I showed them my wrist.
01:43:41.920 --> 01:43:44.960
I couldn't necessarily say anything, and they said, Okay, come on.
01:43:45.520 --> 01:43:54.560
Um, and they grabbed me and uh they helped me outside and uh at this point Laura's still on the phone in the background.
01:43:55.279 --> 01:43:59.920
Um and yeah, they get me in the ambulance.
01:44:00.000 --> 01:44:11.279
I don't really remember much else after really being woken up at the hospital by you, and then just losing it again of like Yeah, I'm safe.
01:44:11.439 --> 01:44:24.159
Like So yeah, I come into the hospital, your dad and I, and we rush over to the room you're in, the hallway, I should say, that you're in.
01:44:24.560 --> 01:44:26.239
And I'm not ready.
01:44:26.399 --> 01:44:27.119
I didn't know.
01:44:27.199 --> 01:44:28.560
I mean, I was not ready.
01:44:28.720 --> 01:44:35.520
I the they wouldn't tell me, they just told me you were alive, they didn't tell me details, right?
01:44:35.680 --> 01:44:37.279
So I didn't know what we were gonna find.
01:44:37.840 --> 01:44:42.880
I we get there and the nurse tells us that you try to slit your wrist, but I'm too afraid now.
01:44:43.119 --> 01:44:46.880
I see that they're bandaged up, but I'm too afraid to look, essentially.
01:44:47.199 --> 01:44:48.880
I don't I'm not ready yet.
01:44:49.600 --> 01:44:57.279
But I was not ready when I saw your face, and I was like, holy sh what in the world?
01:44:57.680 --> 01:45:11.600
And then I you know, I'm coming to the story of understanding what all transpired in that day and what led you to where you were alone in that bathroom.
01:45:12.000 --> 01:45:22.880
And I uh I mean that was the the whole day is a blur, but the things that stand out most to me was that you were alive.
01:45:23.039 --> 01:45:29.039
I had to keep reminding myself of that, and absolutely nothing else mattered.
01:45:29.359 --> 01:45:35.199
Everything was brought into perspective of Sophie's alive and the rest I don't give a fuck about.
01:45:35.359 --> 01:45:46.640
Yeah, that's exactly how life was, and I also felt like there were specific people in my life that needed to know the truth of what I was exactly dealing with.
01:45:46.720 --> 01:45:49.359
Like there was no, oh, I have a family emergency.
01:45:49.520 --> 01:45:56.640
It was like these are my people, they need to know what I'm up against because I need them to be in their closets praying, okay?
01:45:56.960 --> 01:46:07.920
And then your dad and I walking through the steps of retrieving your things and getting your stuff, and then having to walk in that room and see where you were, that broke me.
01:46:08.079 --> 01:46:10.319
Yeah, there were so many things, right?
01:46:11.520 --> 01:46:22.960
But all in all, the one thing that was pressing most outside of you being alive was Laura.
01:46:23.199 --> 01:46:23.680
Yeah.
01:46:24.000 --> 01:46:26.720
And I was like, I need we're in your phone.
01:46:26.880 --> 01:46:28.079
I gotta get Laura.
01:46:28.159 --> 01:46:30.159
I need to get in contact with Laura.
01:46:30.560 --> 01:46:42.239
And I got in contact with Laura, and she and I had a like a whole crying thing episode, of course, and walking through it each other, you know, telling each other what we know.
01:46:42.479 --> 01:47:00.720
And then I got a chance to go to Laura's and we sat together and cried some more and talked about like being a mother on this end, and I'm getting emotional now because I think about this mother who lived down the street who lived a completely different lifestyle than I did.
01:47:00.880 --> 01:47:11.279
And I probably looked down on her to some degree because she didn't live like me, she wasn't a Christian like me, she wasn't doing it right in my eyes, like me.
01:47:11.680 --> 01:47:17.760
But my child was going down there and finding some kind of solace in the chaos.
01:47:18.560 --> 01:47:36.079
And however many years later, same woman saving my child's life, not a Christian, still boots on the ground, Jesus, essentially, still walking hand in hand with you.
01:47:36.319 --> 01:47:43.680
And I got to sit with her and talk about her life and her journey with her daughter, who's your best friend, right?
01:47:43.840 --> 01:47:54.079
And how we got to be real with one another and talk about this from the standpoint of did we break our daughters or did we break ourselves through our daughters?
01:47:54.239 --> 01:47:54.399
Right.
01:47:54.560 --> 01:47:56.479
Or did our daughters break us?
01:47:56.720 --> 01:48:02.399
And either either way, however way you want to put it, I am so fucking glad to be broken.
01:48:02.960 --> 01:48:12.960
And I'm glad that you're here to experience this broken life with me, this disruption, sacred as it is, and the rebuilding of it.
01:48:13.520 --> 01:48:19.920
And I am eternally grateful that God saw fit to not say it is finished for you.
01:48:20.159 --> 01:48:20.560
Yes.
01:48:20.800 --> 01:48:22.079
There's so much more.
01:48:22.319 --> 01:48:25.279
I know you have a whole entire life to live.
01:48:26.239 --> 01:48:29.199
I need some grandbabies when the time is right.
01:48:29.439 --> 01:48:29.760
Yes.
01:48:30.000 --> 01:48:30.319
You know.
01:48:30.560 --> 01:48:48.079
I'm so like my faith now is definitely so unshaken and unwavering now that I'm in this space of um being able to live this life.
01:48:48.239 --> 01:49:12.079
At first I thought I was looking at it like I had lost everything and I am a this shell of a person, but then now I'm looking at it as I have so much room to receive and um be thankful for that the experiences that I have gone through because now I know and can do different.
01:49:12.399 --> 01:49:15.199
And so what are some of the things that you're doing different now?
01:49:15.359 --> 01:49:24.079
Like what are you intentionally doing now that you could share with the audience that you see that is beneficial for you?
01:49:24.880 --> 01:49:38.880
Not leaving my life up to somebody else or needing somebody else's validation, excuse me, for the things that I'm going through or dealing with.
01:49:39.039 --> 01:50:09.920
I'm trying to have more confidence in my own path and my own destiny and really just have faith in God that I'm destined for success, and it may not be what someone else thinks is successful or you know deems as whatever, but I know that I'm going to be great because I even I couldn't kill me.
01:50:10.239 --> 01:50:11.279
Like, yeah, that's the thing.
01:50:11.439 --> 01:50:18.399
Like, I am great, and I will continue to build spread greatness among the world.
01:50:18.640 --> 01:50:22.079
And I'm just so thankful for the perspective.
01:50:22.800 --> 01:50:25.680
What are your what are some everyday things?
01:50:25.840 --> 01:50:33.600
Like, I know I see you journaling and you're religious about your medication, and you've got a therapist you're seeing weekly.
01:50:33.840 --> 01:50:34.079
Yeah.
01:50:34.399 --> 01:50:55.520
I think it comes down to really like three key things is your habits, your environment, and your support system is very important to maintaining a fruitful and you know healthy life because all those things matter.
01:50:56.239 --> 01:50:57.199
It would not.
01:50:57.760 --> 01:50:58.399
Yeah.
01:50:59.039 --> 01:50:59.600
Alright.
01:50:59.680 --> 01:51:00.640
Well, I love you.
01:51:00.800 --> 01:51:01.439
I love you too.
01:51:01.760 --> 01:51:02.960
I love you, sweet potato.
01:51:03.199 --> 01:51:03.840
Thank you.
01:51:04.159 --> 01:51:06.159
Thank you guys so much for joining us.
01:51:06.239 --> 01:51:12.159
I know this is a very long one, and we thank you for kicking it with us for two solid hours.
01:51:12.880 --> 01:51:22.800
Hopefully, you um got some some of your own, you know, key staged information from this that will help you on your journey.
01:51:22.960 --> 01:51:24.640
That's always the intent.
01:51:25.119 --> 01:51:27.680
And we're gonna keep keeping it real over here.
01:51:27.760 --> 01:51:30.479
We hope that you will do the same over there.
01:51:30.640 --> 01:51:33.359
And until we talk again, peace.