Mastering Conflict Resolution and Effective Communication with Hesha Abram

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45 ish minutes.
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I can probably extend it a little bit, but, my
day just kind of, you know, as they always do.
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Well, welcome to my podcast, Resolutionary
Leaders.
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I'm Helena Gautau, your host.
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And today we have Hisha Abrams, who is a master
mediator among other things.
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And when I say master mediator, I mean, she's
the queen.
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I mean, I don't usually get nervous before
these, these recordings, but I'm actually a
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little nervous.
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So just bear with me because and and she showed
up, like, going, ah, I'm glad I put my bra on.
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And I I'm like, oh my god.
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You're so amazing.
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Because this is what happens when you are at
the top of your game and industry.
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You just don't care anymore because you know
you can you're amazing.
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Gosh.
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Love it.
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It's really it's really, it's hard work.
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I've earned every wrinkle and every gray hair
that I cover.
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Well, okay.
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So I'm not gonna do a massive preamble, other
than to say that you're the queen of this
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industry, and you've written a book called
Holding the Calm.
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And even though what you do, which is mediating
massive big $1,000,000,000 deals that make
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people billions, save people billions, in the
private sector, public sector, my podcast is
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really aimed at helping people navigate not so
such high stakes, situations, however, high
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stakes for them personally, because you know,
your day to day job, when it sucks, has a
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massive impact on everything.
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So I am just gonna hand it to you to, you know,
give us as many pearls of wisdom as we can get
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out in the next 40 minutes.
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Wonderful.
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And I'm happy to do that.
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And I tell people, you know, human beings have
egos, and we all play bumper cart ego.
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I don't care if you're in a $5,000 suit or a $5
T shirt you got a goodwill.
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The ego is the same.
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It's exactly the same.
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I wanna win.
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I don't wanna lose.
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Don't make me look bad, and I want my own way.
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That is true whether you're dealing with a 5
year old or an 85 year old.
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Right?
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It's true.
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I just wrote those things down and just that's
all I gotta worry about.
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It's exactly right.
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So this is the first message I give everybody.
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First of all, give yourself grace.
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You have to start from that perspective.
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This is hard stuff.
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We don't teach it well in schools.
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We don't explain it.
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So how do you negotiate?
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How do you resolve conflict?
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Well, it was the way your family did.
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Right?
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That was what was modeled for you.
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So the first question I always say to people
is, did you like it?
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Was it good?
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Was it handled well?
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Is that something you choose to model?
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95% of the time, you're gonna go, no.
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It's not.
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That's what happened in my trajectory.
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I grew up in a very dysfunctional family.
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Lots of bad stuff.
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I did lots of therapy, and I started going,
okay.
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Who am I?
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What do I want?
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And I was very young, and I had a child at 23.
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I was ill equipped.
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I didn't know anything.
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I didn't have good modeling for that.
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So I would literally go into the grocery store
and when I was pregnant and stand around and
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watch other mothers with children.
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Oh, I don't like that.
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Oh, I like how she handled that.
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Oh, no.
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That's not good.
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Oh, well, that's interesting.
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And I watched.
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I needed to learn, and I knew I needed to
learn.
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I've done that my whole life with everything.
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And the way I look at it is if I'm not better
next year than I am this year, I failed.
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Somehow, I failed.
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So it's this continual improvement of myself.
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So I'm not competing with anybody, Just me.
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Can I get better?
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What can I do to improve me?
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And from that place, guess what happens?
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The amygdala calms down.
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That's the fear negativity center of the brain.
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Your skill set goes up.
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Your confidence goes up because as we all know,
confidence and self esteem are earned, not
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given.
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And how many people listening to it, raise your
hand up in the air, have dealt with somebody
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very powerful, very wealthy, very strong who
throws a temper tantrum, like a child.
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Right?
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It's My head's up.
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Exactly.
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It's like okay.
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So how do we do this?
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And so the reason I wrote this book is, I'm
actually escaping the hurricane in Florida now,
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or I have a copy of it to show you.
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I didn't bring one with me.
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I'm in Houston with my kids.
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And it was, I I I make a lot of speeches, and
people are always saying to me, you gotta write
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a book.
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You gotta write a book.
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Because my stuff is not airy fairy kumbaya, win
win problem solving stuff.
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I mean, that works in, I don't know, 20% of the
cases.
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But what about the other 80% where you're
dealing with someone you hate or you don't
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trust or you don't like or who has betrayed you
or harmed you or not given you credit or not
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helped you, that's where the real stuff lies,
not in the easy stuff, in the hard stuff.
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And that's what I do for a living.
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So I have some techniques and things.
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How do I walk into a room of 20 people and just
immediately assess it?
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What do I have to do?
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What don't have to do?
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What bait do I put on a cage?
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What bait do I put on a hook?
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What breadcrumbs do I lead to actually help
people out of the worst times of their lives.
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When you're in conflict, this is not, oh, yay.
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This is just wonderful.
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This is ugly, and no one likes it.
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So what do we do?
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And that's what I've developed, and that's what
I wrote this book.
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Twenty tips, each in their own chapter with
sentence stems and stories.
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And I tell people, take my stuff.
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Use it.
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Use it.
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Make your life better with things that actually
work today, not what should work, not which
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nice, but what really does work with very
difficult challenging situations.
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So that's my that's my initial spiel.
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Yeah.
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And that's great.
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I think what happens is we can do those easy
conflicts.
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Most people can do those easy conflicts.
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And then when it gets difficult, the the
navigating that, we don't practice it, we're
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not taught it, we're not actually wired up to
being able to to deal with those situations in
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a constructive way in today's society.
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So it is a skill set that needs to be not only
taught, but practiced.
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Indeed.
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Indeed.
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You wanna get better at anything.
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You've gotta practice it.
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But this is the key.
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You need instant success.
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Your brain has to say, oh, I can do this.
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Oh, oh, oh, oh, that worked.
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You need to have that.
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So one of the chapters in my book, I call it,
creating small winnable victories.
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Thank you.
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My I say tell everybody best is the enemy of
better.
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Don't go for best.
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It never works.
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Go for better.
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And the proof of it right now in our society is
look at how our society was advancing with the
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idea of diversity and equality and how we were
becoming this great society.
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Too much, too fast, too hard, and look at the
backlash that has now happened.
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It wouldn't have happened if it had happened in
small, slow, incremental steps.
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You want something to last?
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That's how you gotta do it.
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And I know you don't like it.
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I don't like the chocolate cake is fattening.
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You know?
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You're just gonna have to accept things the way
they are and deal with the hands you're dealt.
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So that's why chapter 1 of my book is speak
into the ears that are hearing you.
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I wouldn't talk to you the same way that I
would talk to Joe Blow over there.
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Why?
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That would be silly.
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Right?
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If if I we're all having pizza, and you say,
well, I don't you know, I can't eat that.
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What's wrong with you?
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Everyone likes pizza.
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You're ridiculous.
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Without finding out that you're gluten
intolerant, where I just could have ordered you
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a cauliflower crust, big deal.
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But we don't take the time to find out
anything, even 2, 3 sentences worth of who
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somebody is and what they want so you can
accommodate it better.
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And the beauty of that is what does that do for
people?
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Makes them feel heard, listened to, valued,
respected.
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It's not hard stuff, and you don't have to
agree with them.
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I have friends that are super on the Trump side
and super on the Harris side who say, I can't
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talk to other people.
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I can talk to you because I listen.
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I mean, unless you are a certified insane
person, you have a perspective based on data
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and facts, and a lot of times, it's the team
you wanna belong to.
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Okay?
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So if I listen to you, now I hear what's
important to you.
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And that's one of the things we talk about in
the book, how to do that.
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And I have sentence stems for people.
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And I've had people you know, you put them on a
Post it note, put them on your phone, have them
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already so that in the moment when something
happens, you've got these great sentence stems
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that just open everything up.
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Oh, give me one of those.
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So let's say let me give you a good example
that people like.
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On my website, by the way, holding the calm dot
com, I have a whole bunch of 1 minute videos
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that I've done on topics.
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So it's just, like, little easy things to do.
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I'm all about easy and efficiency.
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So make it a fun thing.
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Make it be you're at, the Thanksgiving dinner
table, and that weird old uncle that likes to
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stir the pot is pushing your buttons.
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Or you're at the conference table, and someone
has stolen your idea that you talked to them
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about yesterday, and they act like it's theirs.
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It works exactly the same way.
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How do you challenge that?
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How do you deal with that without becoming the
bad guy?
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And we don't know how to do that, which is why
we stay quiet and either bombastic or run over
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like a doormat.
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This is how you can take control of the
situation.
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You interrupt, and you say, you know what I
admire about you?
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Guess what happens?
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Everybody stops talking.
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Everybody.
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A 100% of people will stop talking because,
what?
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I wanna hear what you have to say.
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And then it's always a good verb, your passion,
your commitment, your determination, your
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curiosity.
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Pick a verb.
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It's like literally a game show.
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Pick a verb.
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This is not hard stuff.
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Then literally, the other person has to kinda
go, was I just complimented?
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Was I just you know, what what just happened?
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So let's say I'm at the conference table, and I
talked with this guy about my idea yesterday,
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and he acts like it's his own at the table the
next day.
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You know what I admire about you?
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You know a good idea when you hear one.
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When you and I when I raised that with you
yesterday, you jumped right on it.
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And I'm so thrilled that you're jumping on it
now because this means we can really go with
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it.
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I so appreciate your support.
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It's brilliant.
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I love it.
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Love it.
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And it works 98% of the time.
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I mean, I am just all about what works, not
about making life kumbaya and becoming friends.
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I don't care about that stuff.
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How do you make life work?
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That's really what this stuff is about.
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And that's why I wrote holding the calm because
I want it to be easy for people.
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It's a cheap little $15 paperback you can read
in 2 hours.
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Make your life better.
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You can do it.
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And it's a leadership skill that I think is
lacking for a lot of, leaders because they're
243
00:11:16,754 --> 00:11:24,279
used to the telling people what to do and being
the leader as they saw it, see it as opposed to
244
00:11:24,279 --> 00:11:29,559
understanding that leadership now is about
creating that space and holding that space for
245
00:11:29,559 --> 00:11:34,684
people to really feel like they can can express
themselves.
246
00:11:35,304 --> 00:11:35,804
Yeah.
247
00:11:36,264 --> 00:11:36,745
It is.
248
00:11:36,745 --> 00:11:37,964
It's very well said.
249
00:11:38,105 --> 00:11:39,404
Think of it as parenting.
250
00:11:39,625 --> 00:11:41,625
Right now, we have all kinds of parenting
problems.
251
00:11:41,625 --> 00:11:42,125
Why?
252
00:11:42,345 --> 00:11:44,524
Because parents wanna be their children's
friends.
253
00:11:44,824 --> 00:11:45,964
They wanna be liked.
254
00:11:46,850 --> 00:11:48,070
And that's not good parenting.
255
00:11:48,289 --> 00:11:49,089
It's not.
256
00:11:49,089 --> 00:11:50,230
You are the parent.
257
00:11:50,289 --> 00:11:51,409
You are not the friend.
258
00:11:51,409 --> 00:11:53,589
Now, eventually, later it becomes that way.
259
00:11:53,730 --> 00:11:55,970
I would have my kids when they were teenagers
get mad at me.
260
00:11:55,970 --> 00:11:57,329
You're supposed to be my friend.
261
00:11:57,329 --> 00:11:58,544
Say, I'm your parent first.
262
00:11:58,625 --> 00:12:00,325
My job is to raise a good human.
263
00:12:00,464 --> 00:12:05,024
Now as proof of this, I have great
relationships with my children, with my in law
264
00:12:05,024 --> 00:12:07,924
children, with my grandchildren, and I'm tough.
265
00:12:08,065 --> 00:12:08,704
I'm very tough.
266
00:12:08,704 --> 00:12:13,620
I have very firm boundaries because I expect
you to be a good person, and that's why they
267
00:12:13,620 --> 00:12:14,179
like you.
268
00:12:14,179 --> 00:12:16,120
Not because you're nice, nice, nice, nice.
269
00:12:16,579 --> 00:12:20,039
That's why they like you because they respect
you and they value you.
270
00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:22,120
That's what we want from our leaders.
271
00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:23,379
You're not my friend.
272
00:12:23,379 --> 00:12:24,360
You're my boss.
273
00:12:24,659 --> 00:12:26,360
You know, you're making the decisions.
274
00:12:26,659 --> 00:12:31,054
But the fact that I have input, that you
respect my opinion and listen to me even though
275
00:12:31,054 --> 00:12:33,855
you don't do what I suggest, that's good
enough.
276
00:12:33,855 --> 00:12:34,835
You're the boss.
277
00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:37,475
Now when I'm the boss, I get to choose those
things.
278
00:12:37,934 --> 00:12:38,434
Right.
279
00:12:39,054 --> 00:12:42,274
And I care enough to listen to find out that
you're gluten intolerant.
280
00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:43,230
Correct.
281
00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:43,549
Right?
282
00:12:43,549 --> 00:12:49,110
I care enough to do that, but then I will
decide what's best for the the Correct.
283
00:12:49,309 --> 00:12:53,730
Job, the the outcome, and hold you accountable
to those things.
284
00:12:54,029 --> 00:12:54,529
Correct.
285
00:12:54,750 --> 00:12:55,870
Absolutely perfect.
286
00:12:55,870 --> 00:12:59,835
And I have a chapter in the book called AWOWD,
A Way Out With Dignity.
287
00:13:00,295 --> 00:13:00,615
Mhmm.
288
00:13:00,615 --> 00:13:01,095
Oh my god.
289
00:13:01,095 --> 00:13:02,855
That needs to be used every single day.
290
00:13:02,855 --> 00:13:03,735
Think about it.
291
00:13:03,735 --> 00:13:06,375
You, me, all of us have put our foot in our
mouths.
292
00:13:06,375 --> 00:13:06,695
Come on.
293
00:13:06,695 --> 00:13:09,355
That's why I started at this out with you need
grace.
294
00:13:09,495 --> 00:13:12,315
You're hungry, you're tired, you're cranky,
you're overworked.
295
00:13:13,070 --> 00:13:14,990
We're all gonna say and do things we shouldn't.
296
00:13:14,990 --> 00:13:15,230
Right?
297
00:13:15,230 --> 00:13:16,450
So you have some grace.
298
00:13:16,669 --> 00:13:21,889
So if you want a way out with dignity, you
gotta give a way out with dignity, a.
299
00:13:22,429 --> 00:13:22,669
Mhmm.
300
00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:25,970
So one of the best ways to do that is let's say
somebody just.
301
00:13:27,985 --> 00:13:28,865
You can I'm sorry.
302
00:13:28,865 --> 00:13:30,404
You can have the dog's barking downstairs.
303
00:13:31,904 --> 00:13:33,125
You can sit back.
304
00:13:35,184 --> 00:13:37,524
I'm not sure that came out the way you
intended.
305
00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:39,684
Can we do a do over?
306
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:40,980
I love it.
307
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,519
100% of the time, it's gonna work.
308
00:13:43,519 --> 00:13:44,320
Who says, no.
309
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:45,620
I don't want a do over?
310
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:46,660
Never.
311
00:13:46,879 --> 00:13:50,019
And if you're the leader, what does that do for
your power?
312
00:13:50,399 --> 00:13:51,200
Who's in charge?
313
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:52,899
You don't have to say, I'm in charge.
314
00:13:53,404 --> 00:13:54,865
You're clearly in charge.
315
00:13:55,165 --> 00:13:55,665
Clearly.
316
00:13:55,965 --> 00:13:57,085
How do you know you're a leader?
317
00:13:57,085 --> 00:13:59,345
You look behind you and there's people behind
you.
318
00:13:59,485 --> 00:13:59,804
Right?
319
00:13:59,804 --> 00:14:00,785
It's not a title.
320
00:14:01,165 --> 00:14:05,165
And so when you do things like that, I you
didn't mean it that way.
321
00:14:05,165 --> 00:14:06,144
I know you didn't.
322
00:14:06,205 --> 00:14:07,585
Let's discuss that again.
323
00:14:08,330 --> 00:14:08,990
You know?
324
00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:10,490
It's completely different.
325
00:14:10,490 --> 00:14:14,110
And let's say you can't even do it on the in
the moment, and it's rough.
326
00:14:14,250 --> 00:14:16,429
You give someone away with dignity afterwards.
327
00:14:16,490 --> 00:14:18,250
If they screwed up we have all screwed up.
328
00:14:18,250 --> 00:14:18,970
God bless.
329
00:14:18,970 --> 00:14:23,210
And sometimes, often, we don't wanna go, I
screwed up.
330
00:14:23,210 --> 00:14:23,870
I'm sorry.
331
00:14:24,544 --> 00:14:27,044
You as a leader do that anyway.
332
00:14:27,184 --> 00:14:31,524
So can I give everybody a silly, silly little
example, but it'll stick in your head for this?
333
00:14:32,464 --> 00:14:37,985
So when my son, brought home his permanent
girlfriend that I knew was gonna become his
334
00:14:37,985 --> 00:14:42,360
wife, I could just tell, you know, she was
young, and she was a little ditzy and, you
335
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:43,080
know, like this.
336
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:43,320
You know?
337
00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:47,080
And I'm loving on her because I'm gonna be this
girl's mother-in-law, and I'm smart enough to
338
00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:52,759
know you know, she's sleeping on with my son,
so I got you know, I gotta be smart here.
339
00:14:52,759 --> 00:14:55,845
That's why you hear mother-in-law jokes instead
of father-in-law jokes.
340
00:14:55,845 --> 00:14:59,764
Because a lot of women are not smart with how
they handle the mother-in-law thing and the
341
00:14:59,764 --> 00:15:01,545
power differential with their son.
342
00:15:01,685 --> 00:15:04,425
So it was his birthday, and it was gonna get a
cake.
343
00:15:04,565 --> 00:15:06,185
And I thought, oh, opportunity.
344
00:15:06,450 --> 00:15:10,230
So I call her, and I say, you know him better
than me.
345
00:15:10,769 --> 00:15:11,509
You know?
346
00:15:11,649 --> 00:15:14,950
And, what kind of cake should I get him?
347
00:15:15,009 --> 00:15:17,269
She says, oh, German chocolate cake.
348
00:15:17,410 --> 00:15:19,750
Now I know that my son hates coconut.
349
00:15:20,745 --> 00:15:22,764
I went, okay.
350
00:15:23,304 --> 00:15:24,924
I bought a German chocolate cake.
351
00:15:25,465 --> 00:15:27,945
My son does it, and he goes, ugh, mom.
352
00:15:27,945 --> 00:15:28,924
This is disgusting.
353
00:15:29,065 --> 00:15:30,024
You know I hate chocolate.
354
00:15:30,024 --> 00:15:33,144
And she looks at me with big, oh my god eyes.
355
00:15:33,144 --> 00:15:34,585
And I went, I'm sorry, honey.
356
00:15:34,585 --> 00:15:35,625
I thought it was chocolate.
357
00:15:35,625 --> 00:15:36,480
I made a mistake.
358
00:15:37,199 --> 00:15:38,740
And then she just does this.
359
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:44,079
Now what was interesting is that's the very
beginning of the establishment of I got your
360
00:15:44,079 --> 00:15:44,820
back, girlfriend.
361
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:46,659
I got your back.
362
00:15:46,959 --> 00:15:49,039
So you don't have to have power Yeah.
363
00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:50,579
Differential with me.
364
00:15:50,995 --> 00:15:55,235
And now they've been married, you know, 17
years, and I have this incredibly close
365
00:15:55,235 --> 00:15:56,615
relationship with my daughter-in-law.
366
00:15:57,315 --> 00:16:03,315
And I think it started way back when that
people you know, their amygdalas don't hear
367
00:16:03,315 --> 00:16:04,134
your words.
368
00:16:04,355 --> 00:16:05,654
They see your actions.
369
00:16:06,370 --> 00:16:07,830
And can I trust you?
370
00:16:07,889 --> 00:16:08,210
Right.
371
00:16:08,210 --> 00:16:09,350
Do you take my back?
372
00:16:09,730 --> 00:16:10,230
Yeah.
373
00:16:10,450 --> 00:16:11,350
Friend or foe?
374
00:16:11,410 --> 00:16:13,590
Our brain does that real fast.
375
00:16:13,970 --> 00:16:19,649
So if you look for opportunities to either
protect someone's back or let's say you're a
376
00:16:19,649 --> 00:16:23,764
manager or a leader and you see someone wanting
to do something and you say, you know what?
377
00:16:23,764 --> 00:16:25,384
I don't think you should do that.
378
00:16:25,764 --> 00:16:27,625
I think it could blow back on you.
379
00:16:28,804 --> 00:16:29,304
Woah.
380
00:16:29,924 --> 00:16:31,125
How protective is that?
381
00:16:31,125 --> 00:16:33,784
How parental is that?
382
00:16:33,980 --> 00:16:38,460
And most people, not most, I don't know what
percentage, a lot of people don't have good
383
00:16:38,460 --> 00:16:40,879
parents or don't have good relationships with
their parents.
384
00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:45,680
So they're weirdly looking to leaders in sort
of a parenting role.
385
00:16:45,740 --> 00:16:50,115
And whatever the dysfunction they had with
their parents, they kind of apply it to
386
00:16:50,115 --> 00:16:50,615
leaders.
387
00:16:50,834 --> 00:16:55,095
So you have to set a very firm boundary of
these are the rules.
388
00:16:55,154 --> 00:16:56,595
This is how this game is done.
389
00:16:56,595 --> 00:16:57,894
This is how we do it.
390
00:16:58,115 --> 00:17:03,070
People adapt very quickly, and you'll find that
they're very you know, my secretary has worked
391
00:17:03,070 --> 00:17:04,269
for me for 15 years.
392
00:17:04,269 --> 00:17:10,190
I always have employees stay a long time, or or
they're out within a month or 2 because I can
393
00:17:10,190 --> 00:17:11,329
see it right away.
394
00:17:11,549 --> 00:17:12,509
These are the boundaries.
395
00:17:12,509 --> 00:17:15,170
This is how we're gonna do it, and people feel
safe.
396
00:17:15,630 --> 00:17:15,869
Okay.
397
00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:17,890
I know what the rules are, and the rules are
fair.
398
00:17:17,924 --> 00:17:19,445
And the fair I don't have to win.
399
00:17:19,445 --> 00:17:20,805
I don't have to be agreed with.
400
00:17:20,805 --> 00:17:26,105
I don't have to always get my own way, but the
rules are fair and firm and consistently
401
00:17:26,244 --> 00:17:26,744
implied.
402
00:17:27,285 --> 00:17:29,865
That's literally the trifecta for a leader.
403
00:17:31,470 --> 00:17:31,970
Firm,
404
00:17:32,990 --> 00:17:35,250
consistent, and fair.
405
00:17:36,910 --> 00:17:37,410
Correct.
406
00:17:38,269 --> 00:17:40,589
I should come up with an acronym for that,
shouldn't we?
407
00:17:41,069 --> 00:17:42,269
Acronyms for everything.
408
00:17:42,269 --> 00:17:47,275
I think we can just remember firm, fair, and
consistent.
409
00:17:47,575 --> 00:17:49,335
I mean, it's it's like being a parent.
410
00:17:49,335 --> 00:17:49,974
It's the same
411
00:17:50,134 --> 00:17:50,934
That's what I'm saying.
412
00:17:50,934 --> 00:17:51,335
It is.
413
00:17:51,335 --> 00:17:54,234
It's can I say something also really
sacrilegious?
414
00:17:54,775 --> 00:17:56,875
It's like being a dog trainer too.
415
00:18:01,039 --> 00:18:01,279
Yeah.
416
00:18:01,279 --> 00:18:04,160
I could go I could go down that road with my
brother.
417
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:06,180
I've only got boys, so I would be
418
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:09,599
And you know what?
419
00:18:09,599 --> 00:18:11,220
I see how I laugh a lot?
420
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:17,785
I laugh a lot, and I didn't figure that out
really until, I would say, my late fifties.
421
00:18:18,005 --> 00:18:20,105
I listen to a lot of comedy when I'm driving.
422
00:18:20,565 --> 00:18:24,725
I look for every opportunity to laugh because
life is hard.
423
00:18:24,725 --> 00:18:26,025
There's a lot of stress.
424
00:18:26,085 --> 00:18:27,225
There's a lot of difficulty.
425
00:18:27,679 --> 00:18:34,019
And if I make my little laughing trigger a very
light trigger, I'm always putting endorphins.
426
00:18:34,559 --> 00:18:38,720
And I'm all dumping dopamine into my system,
and people will say, my god.
427
00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:42,785
You're such a good audience, or you're fun to
be around, or you're light.
428
00:18:42,785 --> 00:18:44,305
And think about when I mediate.
429
00:18:44,305 --> 00:18:46,484
I walk into a case with, like, let's say,
Google.
430
00:18:46,705 --> 00:18:48,164
Somebody says, give me a $100,000,000.
431
00:18:48,705 --> 00:18:49,664
I invented search.
432
00:18:49,664 --> 00:18:52,565
And Google says, go away, little boy.
433
00:18:53,025 --> 00:18:53,505
You know?
434
00:18:53,505 --> 00:18:55,829
I mean, how do I stop stuff like that?
435
00:18:55,829 --> 00:19:00,309
I make it light, and I joke around with myself,
with others.
436
00:19:00,309 --> 00:19:01,450
I laugh at myself.
437
00:19:01,990 --> 00:19:07,130
A lot of authority comes from that, and look at
the the longevity issue.
438
00:19:07,190 --> 00:19:08,329
I'm very healthy.
439
00:19:09,109 --> 00:19:16,514
I mean, I feel like it's a good counterpoint to
stress and difficulty is to just as much as you
440
00:19:16,514 --> 00:19:18,194
can, find an excuse to laugh.
441
00:19:18,194 --> 00:19:19,254
It's great stuff.
442
00:19:19,794 --> 00:19:28,529
And it's it's a unique ability, though, to be
able to go into that deep, intense, high, you
443
00:19:28,529 --> 00:19:35,009
know, like, high stakes emotional place and
hold that space and also be that light, fun
444
00:19:35,009 --> 00:19:35,509
person.
445
00:19:35,845 --> 00:19:36,644
It is it yes.
446
00:19:36,644 --> 00:19:37,684
Is it a skill?
447
00:19:37,684 --> 00:19:40,965
I'm gonna give you another example of a case
that just happened to be 2 weeks ago just
448
00:19:40,965 --> 00:19:45,045
because I look for because I I practice it, I
look for triggers all the time.
449
00:19:45,045 --> 00:19:50,079
I was doing this very, very huge case, high
testosterone, high aggression.
450
00:19:50,079 --> 00:19:51,380
I mean, like, really intense.
451
00:19:51,599 --> 00:19:55,140
So I'm having dinner with the client tonight
before, and we're in a meat restaurant.
452
00:19:55,279 --> 00:19:57,599
And so we're ordering, you know, what
everybody's ordering.
453
00:19:57,599 --> 00:19:57,839
Right?
454
00:19:57,839 --> 00:20:00,640
And this one guy is talking to me, and he's
trying to lobby me hard.
455
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:04,544
So he's very intense, and he's just going at
me, and he's trying to tell me all this stuff.
456
00:20:04,544 --> 00:20:04,944
Right?
457
00:20:04,944 --> 00:20:08,944
And the waiter comes around and, you know, is
taking orders and looks at him and says, what
458
00:20:08,944 --> 00:20:09,585
would you like, sir?
459
00:20:09,585 --> 00:20:11,264
And he turns like this, and he goes, meat.
460
00:20:11,264 --> 00:20:12,484
Just give me some meat.
461
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:15,570
So I stop, and I said, hold on.
462
00:20:15,570 --> 00:20:15,890
Hold on.
463
00:20:15,890 --> 00:20:16,609
Hold on.
464
00:20:16,609 --> 00:20:18,070
We must enjoy that.
465
00:20:18,130 --> 00:20:19,250
That is hilarious.
466
00:20:19,250 --> 00:20:20,309
What are you, a caveman?
467
00:20:20,450 --> 00:20:22,289
You want me to give you a turkey leg?
468
00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:22,609
You know?
469
00:20:22,609 --> 00:20:26,865
And then we just started joking and laughing,
and everything calmed down.
470
00:20:27,025 --> 00:20:29,924
Now I just look for opportunities for that.
471
00:20:30,065 --> 00:20:35,444
And, honestly, when people say something witty
or clever or funny and you call them out on it,
472
00:20:35,585 --> 00:20:37,125
what have you done to the power?
473
00:20:37,505 --> 00:20:38,484
You've got it.
474
00:20:38,545 --> 00:20:40,085
2, what have you done to validation?
475
00:20:40,464 --> 00:20:41,765
You just gave it.
476
00:20:42,019 --> 00:20:43,779
3, what did you do for them?
477
00:20:43,779 --> 00:20:46,679
They feel seen, heard, and valued.
478
00:20:46,899 --> 00:20:51,960
Look at the trifecta of stuff you get by just
doing some of this holding the comb techniques.
479
00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:55,480
That's why I wrote this book so people can have
this stuff.
480
00:20:55,700 --> 00:20:57,399
Build it into your daily life.
481
00:20:58,154 --> 00:21:02,975
It's a w d 40, you know, of, of gliding through
the world.
482
00:21:04,315 --> 00:21:10,795
So talk to me about how if how people who are
in toxic work environments, they're feeling
483
00:21:10,795 --> 00:21:12,475
like they're working on walking on eggshells.
484
00:21:12,475 --> 00:21:20,410
Your amygdala is hyper alert and, they're going
into fight or flight very easy or freeze, which
485
00:21:20,410 --> 00:21:23,390
is often, a safer place to go in the workplace.
486
00:21:23,529 --> 00:21:24,349
Just Yeah.
487
00:21:25,690 --> 00:21:31,204
How do you how do you how do you overcome that
on a daily basis?
488
00:21:31,204 --> 00:21:34,484
I mean, these are situations where you have to
show up to work.
489
00:21:34,484 --> 00:21:39,045
A lot of people can't just quit on a dime, and
it takes time for these situations to be
490
00:21:39,045 --> 00:21:39,525
resolved.
491
00:21:39,525 --> 00:21:42,890
And I I deal with people that are just
exhausted Yes.
492
00:21:43,450 --> 00:21:47,369
Mentally, physically from the ongoing stress of
of that.
493
00:21:47,369 --> 00:21:49,390
So can you speak to that a little bit?
494
00:21:49,529 --> 00:21:49,930
I can.
495
00:21:49,930 --> 00:21:52,089
And first of all, I have compassion for
everybody on that.
496
00:21:52,089 --> 00:21:53,369
It's just very tough.
497
00:21:53,369 --> 00:21:57,069
And so it's almost like, they talk about these
active shooter trainings.
498
00:21:57,345 --> 00:21:58,804
That's what toxicity is.
499
00:21:58,944 --> 00:22:00,884
The first step is always to run away.
500
00:22:01,184 --> 00:22:04,325
That is a safe, smart world to escape.
501
00:22:04,464 --> 00:22:08,144
If you can escape and get another job and do
something else, it's very empowering.
502
00:22:08,144 --> 00:22:08,865
Go do it.
503
00:22:08,865 --> 00:22:09,365
Right?
504
00:22:09,505 --> 00:22:11,160
People stay in marriages they shouldn't.
505
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:13,820
They wear clothes that are uncomfortable, shoes
that are uncomfortable.
506
00:22:14,279 --> 00:22:16,440
We tend to stay with status quo.
507
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:19,099
So if you can move it, I I bless you.
508
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:21,340
Go.
509
00:22:22,039 --> 00:22:22,279
Go.
510
00:22:22,279 --> 00:22:22,779
Go.
511
00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:23,740
Right.
512
00:22:23,914 --> 00:22:24,875
But let's say you can't.
513
00:22:24,875 --> 00:22:26,394
So I always like to deal with the hard stuff.
514
00:22:26,394 --> 00:22:27,454
Let's say you can't.
515
00:22:27,755 --> 00:22:33,054
So the first thing to do is to sit back and do
an autopsy, a self diagnosis on yourself.
516
00:22:33,994 --> 00:22:35,855
What I'm doing is clearly not working.
517
00:22:36,299 --> 00:22:38,380
Because what happens is we tend to get into
blame.
518
00:22:38,380 --> 00:22:39,100
I'm not wrong.
519
00:22:39,100 --> 00:22:39,740
They're wrong.
520
00:22:39,740 --> 00:22:40,539
They're doing it to me.
521
00:22:40,539 --> 00:22:41,340
I'm a victim.
522
00:22:41,340 --> 00:22:42,960
If you're a victim, you need a perpetrator.
523
00:22:43,500 --> 00:22:43,660
Mhmm.
524
00:22:43,660 --> 00:22:45,340
All of that can be a 100% true.
525
00:22:45,340 --> 00:22:47,680
I'm pushing that to the side and ignoring it.
526
00:22:47,820 --> 00:22:51,120
I'm sitting back and saying, they're forcing me
to play football.
527
00:22:51,345 --> 00:22:52,464
I'm not good at football.
528
00:22:52,464 --> 00:22:54,144
My hand's not big enough for the ball.
529
00:22:54,144 --> 00:22:55,025
It's too aggressive.
530
00:22:55,025 --> 00:22:55,744
It's too hard.
531
00:22:55,744 --> 00:23:00,944
I'm gonna change this gosh darn game into
tennis because I'm better at tennis or golf or
532
00:23:00,944 --> 00:23:01,444
pickleball.
533
00:23:01,904 --> 00:23:02,224
Right?
534
00:23:02,224 --> 00:23:03,664
I'm gonna change the game.
535
00:23:03,664 --> 00:23:05,044
How am I gonna do that?
536
00:23:05,105 --> 00:23:05,605
Okay.
537
00:23:05,664 --> 00:23:06,644
What are the triggers?
538
00:23:07,529 --> 00:23:08,190
What happens?
539
00:23:08,650 --> 00:23:12,170
I'm gonna have sentence stems ready because I'm
gonna have them.
540
00:23:12,170 --> 00:23:18,269
I'm gonna have a plan of action ready because
if you do the the analysis, it's all patterns.
541
00:23:18,570 --> 00:23:21,194
It's the same stuff over and over and over
again.
542
00:23:21,274 --> 00:23:23,595
We know that because as victims, that's what we
say.
543
00:23:23,595 --> 00:23:25,434
It's the same stuff over and over and over
again.
544
00:23:25,434 --> 00:23:31,774
So now that you've identified the pattern, how
can I make my stimulus, my response different?
545
00:23:31,994 --> 00:23:34,634
And, literally, at holding the comm, I got 20
ways to do it.
546
00:23:34,634 --> 00:23:35,454
Pick 1.
547
00:23:35,599 --> 00:23:35,920
Pick 1.
548
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:37,539
Whatever works for that situation.
549
00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:42,880
And then so for example, silence.
550
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:44,720
I have a whole chapter on silence.
551
00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:47,059
Do you know how powerful silence is?
552
00:23:47,535 --> 00:23:48,035
Mhmm.
553
00:23:49,615 --> 00:23:50,115
Mhmm.
554
00:23:50,494 --> 00:23:50,994
Mhmm.
555
00:23:51,615 --> 00:23:53,394
Do you know how uncomfortable this makes
people?
556
00:23:54,414 --> 00:23:55,234
Very uncomfortable.
557
00:23:55,455 --> 00:23:56,595
Who's got the power?
558
00:23:57,215 --> 00:23:57,715
You.
559
00:23:58,174 --> 00:23:59,075
You're not talking.
560
00:23:59,549 --> 00:24:00,110
You're not talking.
561
00:24:00,110 --> 00:24:01,549
You're not saying a word.
562
00:24:01,549 --> 00:24:02,769
Makes them very uncomfortable.
563
00:24:02,910 --> 00:24:04,029
They will say the wrong thing.
564
00:24:04,029 --> 00:24:05,150
They will do the wrong thing.
565
00:24:05,150 --> 00:24:06,769
It's a great negotiation technique.
566
00:24:07,070 --> 00:24:11,470
You'd be very quiet, and the people will rush
to fill the space, and they'll say stuff they
567
00:24:11,470 --> 00:24:13,410
probably shouldn't say until you get intel.
568
00:24:13,470 --> 00:24:16,265
You know things that are going on, and you can
use it.
569
00:24:16,484 --> 00:24:21,705
So the first thing I would say is if it's
really toxic, you create a moat around yourself
570
00:24:22,085 --> 00:24:22,565
first.
571
00:24:22,565 --> 00:24:27,144
And number 1, being comfortable with silence
without churning.
572
00:24:27,684 --> 00:24:32,160
You do it as a technique, and I have a whole
chapter in the book on how to do this on a
573
00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:36,099
technique, then you have a certain sense stamp.
574
00:24:36,559 --> 00:24:37,859
What did you mean by that?
575
00:24:39,279 --> 00:24:41,299
Do you know how comfortable that makes somebody
else?
576
00:24:41,664 --> 00:24:45,684
How about puts them in their place
instantaneously to have to justify and defend?
577
00:24:46,625 --> 00:24:51,025
And a lot of times, people poke your buttons
because they're they get a sick weird pleasure
578
00:24:51,025 --> 00:24:51,585
out of it.
579
00:24:51,585 --> 00:24:53,204
They tormented their little brother.
580
00:24:53,505 --> 00:24:54,005
Okay?
581
00:24:54,224 --> 00:24:57,049
And you react, so you're playing you're playing
the game.
582
00:24:57,049 --> 00:25:00,190
They're, like, jerking you, you know, like a
little dancing, bunny.
583
00:25:01,369 --> 00:25:03,049
I'm not gonna be your dancing bunny.
584
00:25:03,049 --> 00:25:04,430
That's not what's gonna happen.
585
00:25:04,570 --> 00:25:06,509
So you start out with stuff like that.
586
00:25:06,809 --> 00:25:10,970
Then, like I said, in the book, I've got so
many different ways to be able to play with
587
00:25:10,970 --> 00:25:11,470
this.
588
00:25:12,275 --> 00:25:13,335
You pick 1.
589
00:25:13,794 --> 00:25:16,934
Chapter 1 of the book is speaking to the ears
that are hearing you.
590
00:25:16,994 --> 00:25:17,315
Mhmm.
591
00:25:17,315 --> 00:25:20,054
So let me give everybody a little simple easy
thing.
592
00:25:20,434 --> 00:25:25,494
If I said, would you speak to an introvert the
same way you would speak to an extrovert?
593
00:25:26,210 --> 00:25:28,210
We would all say, no.
594
00:25:28,210 --> 00:25:29,829
And yet we do, don't we?
595
00:25:30,609 --> 00:25:31,829
Why would we do that?
596
00:25:32,289 --> 00:25:33,589
Because we have one speed.
597
00:25:33,730 --> 00:25:35,990
I want us to have several speeds.
598
00:25:36,289 --> 00:25:38,289
So I'm doing this 30 years.
599
00:25:38,289 --> 00:25:39,569
I'm an expert in it.
600
00:25:39,569 --> 00:25:40,069
Great.
601
00:25:40,130 --> 00:25:43,565
You can get better tomorrow, and then you just
keep going more and more and more.
602
00:25:43,565 --> 00:25:49,565
So let me give you 3 simple diagnostic tools to
do while somebody is yammering at you and
603
00:25:49,565 --> 00:25:50,625
you're using silence.
604
00:25:51,164 --> 00:25:52,865
Are they an introvert or an extrovert?
605
00:25:53,325 --> 00:25:55,345
I'm gonna approach it differently, aren't I?
606
00:25:55,570 --> 00:25:58,950
You're a big picture person, or you're a
detailed person.
607
00:25:59,809 --> 00:26:02,070
You're a thinker, or you're a feeler.
608
00:26:02,210 --> 00:26:02,930
That's it.
609
00:26:02,930 --> 00:26:03,990
Those three analysis.
610
00:26:04,289 --> 00:26:09,090
So I'm listening to you and you use a lot of
words, like I think, and the data shows blah,
611
00:26:09,090 --> 00:26:09,410
blah, blah.
612
00:26:09,410 --> 00:26:11,144
Why would you talk about feelings to them?
613
00:26:11,224 --> 00:26:12,664
Their feeling part is dead.
614
00:26:12,664 --> 00:26:14,205
They can't even access it.
615
00:26:15,065 --> 00:26:18,345
So talk about data stuff, talking their
language.
616
00:26:18,345 --> 00:26:19,884
You're mirroring their language.
617
00:26:20,105 --> 00:26:24,285
Mirroring is another well known technique, but
you don't have to mirror it perfectly.
618
00:26:24,599 --> 00:26:26,039
You just have to mirror the content.
619
00:26:26,039 --> 00:26:27,000
So you verbs.
620
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:28,619
I'm a big believer in verbs.
621
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:30,759
So you mirror those verbs.
622
00:26:30,759 --> 00:26:31,259
Right?
623
00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:35,240
If you're a thinking analytical person and
someone's talking about their feelings let's
624
00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:38,539
say you're a male manager and you got all these
women talking about their feelings.
625
00:26:39,974 --> 00:26:40,474
Okay?
626
00:26:40,855 --> 00:26:42,234
Use feeling words.
627
00:26:42,615 --> 00:26:45,914
You don't have to become their shrink and go
into the feelings.
628
00:26:46,295 --> 00:26:47,674
Just use feeling words.
629
00:26:48,934 --> 00:26:50,214
Thank god you get it.
630
00:26:50,214 --> 00:26:51,515
That's all that's gonna happen.
631
00:26:51,654 --> 00:26:52,775
So that's marvelous.
632
00:26:52,775 --> 00:26:54,714
Let's say it's big picture versus detail.
633
00:26:55,500 --> 00:27:00,619
Well, the overall strategy and the 10 year plan
blah blah blah blah versus we had to balance a
634
00:27:00,619 --> 00:27:01,440
budget today.
635
00:27:01,579 --> 00:27:03,359
We need we need to look at the ROI.
636
00:27:03,660 --> 00:27:07,440
We need to look at, you know, the rift that
we're gonna do for the workforce.
637
00:27:07,740 --> 00:27:08,240
Okay.
638
00:27:08,460 --> 00:27:10,400
Are we going small or we're going big?
639
00:27:10,684 --> 00:27:11,005
No.
640
00:27:11,005 --> 00:27:12,525
Neither one is better than the other.
641
00:27:12,525 --> 00:27:13,424
You need both.
642
00:27:13,644 --> 00:27:15,565
But if you're a big, I'm gonna go big.
643
00:27:15,565 --> 00:27:17,265
If you're little, I'm gonna go detail.
644
00:27:17,724 --> 00:27:18,865
What's the big deal?
645
00:27:18,924 --> 00:27:20,464
Same thing with introvert or extrovert.
646
00:27:20,605 --> 00:27:23,825
If you're an extrovert, we're gonna talk a lot
and kinda fast.
647
00:27:23,884 --> 00:27:27,430
If you're an introvert, gonna be quieter,
calmer.
648
00:27:28,049 --> 00:27:30,230
I'm gonna be quieter and let you talk more.
649
00:27:30,930 --> 00:27:32,610
I'm gonna validate what you're saying.
650
00:27:32,610 --> 00:27:37,750
It may take you longer to get it out, and I'm
gonna be patient and appreciative.
651
00:27:38,610 --> 00:27:40,630
But that would be annoying to an extrovert.
652
00:27:40,769 --> 00:27:42,525
So an extrovert, you gotta go faster.
653
00:27:42,825 --> 00:27:44,845
So again, where's the power?
654
00:27:45,144 --> 00:27:45,644
You.
655
00:27:45,865 --> 00:27:48,365
Where do you have fluidity on the axis?
656
00:27:48,664 --> 00:27:51,945
Most leaders have taken Myers Briggs junk and
the driver thing.
657
00:27:51,945 --> 00:27:54,205
And, you know, there's a million little tests
out there.
658
00:27:54,505 --> 00:27:56,365
I like them all because I find them
interesting.
659
00:27:57,200 --> 00:28:02,259
But the basic thing I do for me to be a master
at this stuff is fluidity.
660
00:28:03,119 --> 00:28:04,900
I wanna have fluidity.
661
00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:08,339
I wanna be able to handle and deal with
everybody.
662
00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:13,055
Whether you're a man or a woman, whether you're
intense or calm.
663
00:28:14,234 --> 00:28:19,055
It's it's a it's a failing on my part if I
can't reach you.
664
00:28:19,115 --> 00:28:20,394
That's how I look at it.
665
00:28:20,394 --> 00:28:24,420
And if I'm trying and I'm hitting a brick wall,
it's me.
666
00:28:24,559 --> 00:28:29,440
It's not you because I've decided I have the
skill set and the ability to do it.
667
00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:31,940
So I have used the wrong approach.
668
00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:33,779
I've used the wrong bait on my hook.
669
00:28:34,080 --> 00:28:34,580
Mhmm.
670
00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:37,619
What am I doing wrong that it's not getting to
you?
671
00:28:38,014 --> 00:28:40,835
And let's say you're in the middle of
something, and it's already gotten hot.
672
00:28:41,294 --> 00:28:43,474
You stop and say, I apologize.
673
00:28:44,335 --> 00:28:45,714
First of all, everybody stops.
674
00:28:46,335 --> 00:28:47,855
I and you with their hands like this.
675
00:28:47,855 --> 00:28:51,089
Because see with the barrier I'm putting up, I
apologize.
676
00:28:51,789 --> 00:28:53,809
This is not going the way I want it to go.
677
00:28:53,869 --> 00:28:55,009
And then you validate.
678
00:28:55,389 --> 00:28:58,990
I have something in there called the sandwich
technique that's known, but most people don't
679
00:28:58,990 --> 00:29:00,690
do sandwich technique very well.
680
00:29:01,069 --> 00:29:01,809
I apologize.
681
00:29:03,255 --> 00:29:05,035
I value you verbs.
682
00:29:05,255 --> 00:29:06,875
I respect you verbs.
683
00:29:07,255 --> 00:29:09,275
I admire you verbs.
684
00:29:09,575 --> 00:29:10,615
I like you.
685
00:29:10,615 --> 00:29:11,835
I love you.
686
00:29:11,894 --> 00:29:14,394
I appreciate you verbs.
687
00:29:15,414 --> 00:29:17,674
And I don't feel like I'm hearing you.
688
00:29:17,970 --> 00:29:21,829
I want us to take a step back, and I really
wanna hear your perspective.
689
00:29:23,089 --> 00:29:24,690
What did that just do to the encounter?
690
00:29:24,690 --> 00:29:25,509
Who won?
691
00:29:26,210 --> 00:29:26,710
You.
692
00:29:27,329 --> 00:29:27,730
You.
693
00:29:27,730 --> 00:29:28,549
It's incredible.
694
00:29:29,089 --> 00:29:30,525
It's app and it works every time.
695
00:29:30,605 --> 00:29:30,924
Every time.
696
00:29:30,924 --> 00:29:32,285
The other person kinda goes, woah.
697
00:29:32,285 --> 00:29:32,418
Woah.
698
00:29:32,418 --> 00:29:32,551
Woah.
699
00:29:32,551 --> 00:29:32,684
Woah.
700
00:29:32,684 --> 00:29:32,818
Woah.
701
00:29:32,818 --> 00:29:32,951
Woah.
702
00:29:32,951 --> 00:29:33,085
Woah.
703
00:29:33,085 --> 00:29:35,505
You either just gave them a woud, a woud with
dignity.
704
00:29:36,845 --> 00:29:38,065
You gave them validation.
705
00:29:38,365 --> 00:29:39,424
You gave them understanding.
706
00:29:39,724 --> 00:29:40,785
You gave them respect.
707
00:29:41,644 --> 00:29:43,825
You gave them everything, and yet you
apologized.
708
00:29:44,569 --> 00:29:45,390
Ain't that interesting?
709
00:29:45,450 --> 00:29:47,230
And you didn't apologize for content.
710
00:29:47,369 --> 00:29:49,230
You didn't apologize for a thing.
711
00:29:49,529 --> 00:29:51,150
You apologized for process.
712
00:29:51,529 --> 00:29:54,589
And where is 90% of all of our conflict?
713
00:29:55,289 --> 00:29:55,789
Process.
714
00:29:56,329 --> 00:29:56,829
Mhmm.
715
00:29:57,065 --> 00:29:58,744
Ain't that fascinating?
716
00:29:58,744 --> 00:29:59,144
Yes.
717
00:29:59,144 --> 00:30:00,984
I it's fascinating, this stuff.
718
00:30:00,984 --> 00:30:05,484
I I love it because it's so human beings are
just we are such interesting creatures.
719
00:30:06,265 --> 00:30:13,220
And I think what I'm loving is you just you're
you're putting it into such tangible concepts,
720
00:30:13,359 --> 00:30:17,599
as opposed to there are things that some of us
just do naturally without realizing we're doing
721
00:30:17,599 --> 00:30:18,099
it.
722
00:30:18,559 --> 00:30:22,960
And, and then there are other people that don't
do them naturally and are like, I just can't
723
00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:28,315
work how to do that fluidity piece, but you're
putting it into very tangible terms,
724
00:30:28,615 --> 00:30:29,115
actionable.
725
00:30:29,575 --> 00:30:30,075
Exactly.
726
00:30:30,134 --> 00:30:31,174
And get better today.
727
00:30:31,174 --> 00:30:33,015
And you know what you know who can practice on?
728
00:30:33,015 --> 00:30:34,934
You got a lot of guinea pigs, whoever you live
with.
729
00:30:34,934 --> 00:30:35,335
Oh, no.
730
00:30:35,335 --> 00:30:37,515
I got I got a lot of guinea pigs.
731
00:30:37,950 --> 00:30:41,890
Or if you care more about your family, you got
a lot of little guinea pigs at work.
732
00:30:42,269 --> 00:30:43,490
Guinea pig on people.
733
00:30:43,630 --> 00:30:49,724
I mean, literally, go to work today and say to
yourself, let me just try this stuff.
734
00:30:49,884 --> 00:30:51,565
I'm gonna see if what she said works.
735
00:30:51,565 --> 00:30:54,765
I'm gonna look at that, and I'm gonna just try
it.
736
00:30:54,765 --> 00:30:58,684
And the things you'll be clumsy at first, like
with any new skill, you're gonna be clumsy at
737
00:30:58,684 --> 00:31:02,285
first, then you're just gonna get better and
better and better because, let's say, for
738
00:31:02,285 --> 00:31:03,984
example, valid, validating.
739
00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:05,579
You can do it patronizing.
740
00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:08,619
I can say, oh, I really admire how you did
that.
741
00:31:08,839 --> 00:31:11,179
Or I really admire how you did that.
742
00:31:12,359 --> 00:31:13,819
Or I can be in the middle.
743
00:31:14,279 --> 00:31:15,980
I really admire how you did that.
744
00:31:16,934 --> 00:31:17,174
Right?
745
00:31:17,174 --> 00:31:20,474
Now are you gonna have to learn how not to be
patronizing?
746
00:31:21,015 --> 00:31:28,054
I remember, oh, 20 or 30 years ago, there had
to be training for male managers to not
747
00:31:28,054 --> 00:31:33,009
validate women employees based on their
clothing or their hair, and they couldn't get
748
00:31:33,009 --> 00:31:33,410
it.
749
00:31:33,410 --> 00:31:38,849
They couldn't understand why this is bad, and
it took years of them just getting whacked
750
00:31:38,849 --> 00:31:41,910
around till finally now they're just gonna go,
not gonna do it.
751
00:31:42,130 --> 00:31:46,125
But the idea was you're looking at my outside,
not my inside.
752
00:31:46,585 --> 00:31:48,845
You're not seeing me and who I am.
753
00:31:49,065 --> 00:31:52,184
Men didn't get that, but men don't do that to
other men.
754
00:31:52,184 --> 00:31:54,285
Men don't compliment each other on their
shirts.
755
00:31:54,825 --> 00:31:55,325
Right?
756
00:31:55,464 --> 00:31:57,644
So unless they're gay, then, of course, they
do.
757
00:31:59,704 --> 00:32:02,940
And, you know, it's okay, but that doesn't
happen.
758
00:32:05,079 --> 00:32:08,539
So, again, I'm always gonna go back to
chocolate cake is fattening.
759
00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:10,279
That's the way it's gonna be.
760
00:32:10,279 --> 00:32:12,119
I'm gonna deal with the hands I'm dealt.
761
00:32:12,119 --> 00:32:16,944
I'm gonna deal with real life people and real
life situations, and I'm not afraid of
762
00:32:16,944 --> 00:32:17,345
anything.
763
00:32:17,345 --> 00:32:18,724
I'm not afraid of any conversation.
764
00:32:19,024 --> 00:32:20,484
I'm not afraid of any situation.
765
00:32:21,585 --> 00:32:22,944
I know I can handle it.
766
00:32:22,944 --> 00:32:23,444
Why?
767
00:32:23,505 --> 00:32:26,304
Because I've been practicing this holding the
comm stuff a lot.
768
00:32:26,304 --> 00:32:27,264
So that's what I say.
769
00:32:27,264 --> 00:32:29,264
We'll start to take one of them.
770
00:32:29,264 --> 00:32:30,244
Practice it.
771
00:32:30,500 --> 00:32:30,740
Yeah.
772
00:32:30,740 --> 00:32:35,940
And I doing it in a low stakes situation
because while you're not afraid of anything is
773
00:32:35,940 --> 00:32:41,940
you've been in the highest stakes situations
and been able to still function that way.
774
00:32:41,940 --> 00:32:48,034
And I think it takes that practice of doing it
in the low stakes environments and practicing
775
00:32:48,274 --> 00:32:51,954
so then it gets when you're high stakes, you're
able to do it.
776
00:32:51,954 --> 00:32:53,634
Well, think about the PC stuff.
777
00:32:53,634 --> 00:32:55,255
Like, we're afraid to say things.
778
00:32:55,714 --> 00:33:00,054
See, I could make a joke about gay guys talking
about their clothes, and I'm not afraid.
779
00:33:00,319 --> 00:33:01,700
I'm not worried about it.
780
00:33:01,759 --> 00:33:03,839
And let's say I'm gonna use that as an example.
781
00:33:03,839 --> 00:33:05,299
Let's say somebody was offended.
782
00:33:05,519 --> 00:33:06,500
Oh, I'm offended.
783
00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:08,420
What would my first answer be?
784
00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:10,500
Oh, why?
785
00:33:11,119 --> 00:33:11,619
Mhmm.
786
00:33:12,825 --> 00:33:14,044
What are they gonna say?
787
00:33:14,345 --> 00:33:17,644
Whatever they say, you go, do you think that
was my intent?
788
00:33:19,224 --> 00:33:21,484
So the joke kinda hurt your feelings.
789
00:33:21,784 --> 00:33:23,005
I'm sorry about that.
790
00:33:23,144 --> 00:33:24,204
I can get that.
791
00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:26,660
See how it's wet spaghetti sauce?
792
00:33:26,799 --> 00:33:28,079
You wipe it up with a sponge.
793
00:33:28,079 --> 00:33:28,900
It's done.
794
00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:30,000
You leave it overnight.
795
00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:31,779
You're scraping it off with a knife.
796
00:33:32,160 --> 00:33:32,660
Right?
797
00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:34,079
That's what this stuff is.
798
00:33:34,079 --> 00:33:37,200
The more you do it, it's just part of me.
799
00:33:37,200 --> 00:33:40,259
Now this is the piece I wanna give everybody
because I'm very honest.
800
00:33:40,384 --> 00:33:41,265
I'm a human being.
801
00:33:41,265 --> 00:33:41,904
I'm hungry.
802
00:33:41,904 --> 00:33:42,384
I'm tired.
803
00:33:42,384 --> 00:33:43,125
I'm cranky.
804
00:33:43,265 --> 00:33:47,105
I did a case last week till 3 o'clock in the
morning, and it was brutal.
805
00:33:47,105 --> 00:33:50,065
And I come home, and I'm exhausted, and I was
very cranky that day.
806
00:33:50,065 --> 00:33:53,424
And I said something to my husband that was a
little harsher than I wanted to.
807
00:33:53,424 --> 00:33:54,485
So what did I do?
808
00:33:55,829 --> 00:33:57,190
I'm sorry the way that came out.
809
00:33:57,190 --> 00:33:58,869
That's not the way I intended it.
810
00:33:58,869 --> 00:33:59,609
I apologize.
811
00:33:59,829 --> 00:34:00,970
Can I have a do over?
812
00:34:02,309 --> 00:34:03,609
Wet spaghetti sauce.
813
00:34:03,990 --> 00:34:05,109
Wipe it right up.
814
00:34:05,109 --> 00:34:09,289
But it's because I practice this stuff all the
freaking time.
815
00:34:09,429 --> 00:34:12,545
And when I'm wrong, I look at myself.
816
00:34:12,844 --> 00:34:15,984
Did I do that as well as not that you think I'm
wrong.
817
00:34:16,284 --> 00:34:19,505
Did I do that as well as I would like?
818
00:34:19,804 --> 00:34:25,369
And I've done big, big, high stakes, political,
intense situations.
819
00:34:25,589 --> 00:34:30,309
I've done things with large communities,
ripping themselves apart over I did one with
820
00:34:30,309 --> 00:34:31,849
teaching the bible in the schools.
821
00:34:31,909 --> 00:34:36,549
I did one with a giant diversity program where
I had an entire community, and I had to fly in
822
00:34:36,549 --> 00:34:41,954
for a week and be there every day in a very
structured way, and I get them resolved.
823
00:34:42,414 --> 00:34:45,795
So it's like having a a drum major.
824
00:34:46,094 --> 00:34:46,414
You know?
825
00:34:46,414 --> 00:34:49,155
It's having a good OBGYN.
826
00:34:49,534 --> 00:34:52,015
I mean, a woman can give birth by herself in
the field.
827
00:34:52,015 --> 00:34:52,574
You know?
828
00:34:52,574 --> 00:34:53,074
No.
829
00:34:53,180 --> 00:34:55,019
Someone will die, and it'll don't be good.
830
00:34:55,019 --> 00:34:57,739
It's better to have a doctor or a midwife
there.
831
00:34:57,739 --> 00:35:00,400
So that's what it is with this kind of conflict
stuff.
832
00:35:00,700 --> 00:35:06,380
You're shepherding, helping, making sure it
doesn't get cattywampus, it doesn't get off
833
00:35:06,380 --> 00:35:06,880
track.
834
00:35:07,525 --> 00:35:11,204
You know, then things can actually get done
because you that's what leadership is.
835
00:35:11,204 --> 00:35:12,804
That's what a drum major is.
836
00:35:12,804 --> 00:35:14,744
That's what a midwife is.
837
00:35:15,045 --> 00:35:17,704
Pick your analogy for whatever it is in your
world.
838
00:35:18,644 --> 00:35:20,905
A good parent, you know,
839
00:35:21,460 --> 00:35:22,199
It works.
840
00:35:22,579 --> 00:35:26,760
So going back to the spaghetti sauce and
waiting for it to and don't wait for it to dry.
841
00:35:27,539 --> 00:35:33,634
One of the things that is happening in some of
these companies that I'm working with is people
842
00:35:33,634 --> 00:35:36,855
will say about the, the gay men talking about
their shirt.
843
00:35:37,394 --> 00:35:43,875
And then that person says nothing in the
moment, stews over it, goes to HR, complains to
844
00:35:43,875 --> 00:35:49,789
HR, HR puts the other person in, the other
person is like, what the okay.
845
00:35:49,789 --> 00:35:56,269
But you can't say anything to this other person
because I I just need you to be more, you know,
846
00:35:56,269 --> 00:35:58,590
piece like, don't say things like that.
847
00:35:58,590 --> 00:35:58,829
Okay.
848
00:35:58,829 --> 00:36:00,610
Now go back and work well together.
849
00:36:00,829 --> 00:36:01,730
Now It's terrible.
850
00:36:01,869 --> 00:36:02,610
It's terrible.
851
00:36:02,909 --> 00:36:07,285
And and so because now you've you've got no
trust.
852
00:36:07,285 --> 00:36:08,005
Now you are.
853
00:36:08,005 --> 00:36:09,945
You just don't feel like you can say anything.
854
00:36:10,164 --> 00:36:10,664
Right.
855
00:36:10,965 --> 00:36:16,005
How do you get that you've like, it's how do
you create that environment where that person
856
00:36:16,005 --> 00:36:21,530
is immediately able to say to you, that just,
comment was really Right.
857
00:36:21,690 --> 00:36:23,450
I think Right.
858
00:36:23,450 --> 00:36:27,130
So this is I'm glad you raised that because,
again, I like the advanced stuff.
859
00:36:27,130 --> 00:36:27,630
Right?
860
00:36:28,010 --> 00:36:29,130
So think about that.
861
00:36:29,130 --> 00:36:34,855
That is legal CYA, The same way a doctor orders
an MRI as a medical CYA.
862
00:36:35,554 --> 00:36:36,054
Right?
863
00:36:36,114 --> 00:36:42,295
So this is the way the system's gonna be
because the system will protect itself.
864
00:36:42,434 --> 00:36:43,735
That is in biology.
865
00:36:44,190 --> 00:36:45,170
That is nature.
866
00:36:45,309 --> 00:36:47,089
The system will protect itself.
867
00:36:47,550 --> 00:36:51,949
So, that's why the Catholic church got in
trouble all those years with all that stuff.
868
00:36:51,949 --> 00:36:53,489
The system protected itself.
869
00:36:54,030 --> 00:36:55,994
It's just the natural way things are.
870
00:36:56,394 --> 00:37:02,954
So what I would say is you can't rely on the
other person who has just been insulted to hold
871
00:37:02,954 --> 00:37:05,355
the calm enough to say it to you.
872
00:37:05,355 --> 00:37:07,775
Now I would, you would.
873
00:37:07,835 --> 00:37:10,260
We develop the skill set stuff all the time.
874
00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:12,340
But let's say I'm really insulted.
875
00:37:12,480 --> 00:37:16,559
I may need silence to just collect myself so I
don't say something I don't wanna do.
876
00:37:16,559 --> 00:37:18,099
So you can't rely on the recipient.
877
00:37:18,720 --> 00:37:20,019
You have to be the one.
878
00:37:20,079 --> 00:37:22,880
So you have to see it in their faces to say it.
879
00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:27,385
So, you know, I joke around all the time, and I
don't worry about it because I know I can
880
00:37:27,385 --> 00:37:28,125
handle it.
881
00:37:28,505 --> 00:37:32,585
But I joked around with you, and I saw maybe a
little something in your eyes.
882
00:37:32,585 --> 00:37:34,925
I thought, oh, maybe I should clarify that.
883
00:37:35,144 --> 00:37:36,045
So I did.
884
00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:36,980
Right?
885
00:37:37,280 --> 00:37:42,800
You as the sender out of information have the
responsibility to clarify it.
886
00:37:42,800 --> 00:37:44,019
That's part 1.
887
00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:48,639
Let's say you didn't, and you get called HR
because I wanna be real about this stuff.
888
00:37:48,639 --> 00:37:49,940
How do you do it then?
889
00:37:50,344 --> 00:37:54,444
An ombuds program, a mediation program, a
conciliation program.
890
00:37:54,505 --> 00:37:57,304
Most organizations have things like that.
891
00:37:57,304 --> 00:37:58,204
They're fantastic.
892
00:37:58,664 --> 00:38:01,484
And the reason is because they create plausible
deniability.
893
00:38:02,264 --> 00:38:06,480
You got a cloak of confidentiality, so it can't
be used legally against you.
894
00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:08,739
So the company is now not worried about CYA.
895
00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:12,820
You're not worried about CYA and it can correct
stuff like that.
896
00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:17,300
The best example I can give you the last
chapter of my book is about the post office.
897
00:38:17,885 --> 00:38:20,704
Remember 20 years ago, people used to say going
postal.
898
00:38:21,724 --> 00:38:23,085
Some guy disgruntled.
899
00:38:23,085 --> 00:38:25,085
Somebody would come in and shoot up a post
office.
900
00:38:25,085 --> 00:38:26,364
I mean, and it happened a lot.
901
00:38:26,364 --> 00:38:27,505
You know, it was terrible.
902
00:38:27,804 --> 00:38:28,304
Right?
903
00:38:28,844 --> 00:38:32,300
So there was a woman and she has become a very
good friend of mine.
904
00:38:32,300 --> 00:38:33,680
Her name is Cindy Halberlin.
905
00:38:34,700 --> 00:38:39,660
She was, just a basic mediator, just doing some
basic stuff and had read this book called the
906
00:38:39,660 --> 00:38:43,894
promise of mediation, which is one more
academic about the theory of mediation.
907
00:38:44,434 --> 00:38:46,454
And she went to the postmaster general.
908
00:38:46,994 --> 00:38:49,155
I should even add 20 years ago, something like
that.
909
00:38:49,155 --> 00:38:53,094
And said, we need this because there's so much
tension.
910
00:38:53,474 --> 00:38:56,940
There's no off gassing that's happening for
people's feelings.
911
00:38:57,079 --> 00:38:58,039
We need this.
912
00:38:58,039 --> 00:39:04,599
So they created a program called transformative
mediation that was not designed to resolve
913
00:39:04,599 --> 00:39:05,099
anything.
914
00:39:05,160 --> 00:39:07,019
It was not designed to come to an agreement.
915
00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:12,894
It was designed as an off gassing mechanism
that people could just talk to each other and
916
00:39:12,894 --> 00:39:14,514
reestablish that kind of trust.
917
00:39:14,815 --> 00:39:18,335
And they had mediators that, would come in and
facilitate that.
918
00:39:18,335 --> 00:39:20,014
Now I'm honest enough.
919
00:39:20,014 --> 00:39:21,614
This was maybe 30 years ago.
920
00:39:21,614 --> 00:39:23,714
Now I'm honest enough that I was a young
mediator.
921
00:39:24,014 --> 00:39:26,675
I did not apply for the program because I
thought it was garbage.
922
00:39:27,030 --> 00:39:28,230
How can it do anything?
923
00:39:28,230 --> 00:39:30,489
You're not trying to get an agreement.
924
00:39:30,789 --> 00:39:32,469
You're not driving toward a goal.
925
00:39:32,469 --> 00:39:34,409
It's this touchy feely weirdo stuff.
926
00:39:34,630 --> 00:39:38,890
I fully admit I thought that it was a booming
success.
927
00:39:39,429 --> 00:39:43,905
You've not heard of another post office being
shot up at all, and it is still running.
928
00:39:44,125 --> 00:39:49,184
It is absolutely incredible because it's an off
gassing valve.
929
00:39:49,484 --> 00:39:52,045
You don't need a resolution for stuff like
that.
930
00:39:52,045 --> 00:39:58,079
You need in the book, I have a whole story
about, a supervisor who was given too many
931
00:39:58,139 --> 00:40:00,219
people to supervise and it was too hard.
932
00:40:00,219 --> 00:40:01,679
So he just numbered everybody.
933
00:40:01,739 --> 00:40:04,719
So he would call them number 4, number 12,
number 32.
934
00:40:04,860 --> 00:40:06,719
And he thought it was funny and good.
935
00:40:07,019 --> 00:40:07,519
Wow.
936
00:40:08,214 --> 00:40:13,255
There was, an African American employee who was
highly insulted, who said, I'm a father, I'm a
937
00:40:13,255 --> 00:40:17,194
deacon, I'm a, this, I'm a professional and it
got nasty.
938
00:40:17,494 --> 00:40:23,150
And then when they had this conversation and
got to see each other's people, I mean, there
939
00:40:23,150 --> 00:40:25,150
were tears involved, but 2 grown men.
940
00:40:25,150 --> 00:40:26,849
I mean, it was beautiful.
941
00:40:27,710 --> 00:40:30,190
So that's what tends to happen.
942
00:40:30,190 --> 00:40:34,829
So if you are stuck and you get stuck in a
situation like that, and I say to you, Grace,
943
00:40:34,829 --> 00:40:35,969
give yourself grace.
944
00:40:36,215 --> 00:40:36,454
You know?
945
00:40:36,454 --> 00:40:38,454
We will all put our foot in our mouths.
946
00:40:38,454 --> 00:40:41,355
That is just the nature of the way the deal
happens.
947
00:40:41,735 --> 00:40:43,574
How do you clean up that spaghetti sauce?
948
00:40:43,574 --> 00:40:49,434
And if you didn't do it, what was wet, which is
better, okay, then which is best.
949
00:40:49,735 --> 00:40:52,659
How can you do better by scraping the next day?
950
00:40:53,119 --> 00:41:00,579
You ask HR, to bring in a facilitator so that
you could have the onboards program, a mediator
951
00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:03,539
program, disc and you know what you need?
952
00:41:03,599 --> 00:41:04,339
An hour.
953
00:41:04,635 --> 00:41:06,635
You don't need more than an hour, an hour and a
half.
954
00:41:06,635 --> 00:41:12,235
This is not a big deal, and it's wiping the wet
spaghetti sauce up, and it cleans it up.
955
00:41:12,235 --> 00:41:17,820
And then now those people can be bonded even
more after going through something like that.
956
00:41:17,900 --> 00:41:19,420
You're singing my song right here.
957
00:41:19,420 --> 00:41:22,059
This is what I keep I've been trying to say.
958
00:41:22,059 --> 00:41:24,219
I you know, you said that a lot of companies
have this.
959
00:41:24,219 --> 00:41:26,239
I actually don't think they do.
960
00:41:26,699 --> 00:41:28,780
And and because yes.
961
00:41:28,780 --> 00:41:31,680
Some of the really large companies, yes,
absolutely.
962
00:41:31,820 --> 00:41:38,735
They have the 3rd party neutral, but a lot of
companies don't, and they feel like HR, that's
963
00:41:38,735 --> 00:41:39,235
HR.
964
00:41:39,534 --> 00:41:44,835
There has to be that third party neutral for
the scraping off the spaghetti sauce.
965
00:41:44,894 --> 00:41:52,170
And I think today, the invite the climate,
given the breakdown in communication, the way
966
00:41:52,170 --> 00:41:58,670
this new generation are, you know, struggling
to really communicate and deal with conflict
967
00:41:58,730 --> 00:42:01,949
face to face because I've spent so much time,
like, on screens.
968
00:42:02,925 --> 00:42:08,065
And then also with the pandemic and people
being isolated and not having a lot of
969
00:42:08,125 --> 00:42:14,045
developing this skill set, I think that there's
even more need for that neutral third party and
970
00:42:14,045 --> 00:42:18,550
that ability to be like, okay, We need to
create a space for you to have this
971
00:42:18,550 --> 00:42:20,170
conversation and come back together.
972
00:42:20,550 --> 00:42:25,130
Because I think what what happens is the moment
what we you know, you're going to HR.
973
00:42:25,190 --> 00:42:26,230
You can't deal with it.
974
00:42:26,230 --> 00:42:28,250
Now the relationship's going like this.
975
00:42:28,469 --> 00:42:28,969
Indeed.
976
00:42:29,625 --> 00:42:33,465
Actually need that third party to facilitate
you to come back.
977
00:42:33,465 --> 00:42:33,864
Indeed.
978
00:42:33,864 --> 00:42:35,405
You are a 100% correct.
979
00:42:35,465 --> 00:42:37,324
And let me caution.
980
00:42:37,864 --> 00:42:40,445
Often people in HR will say, well, let me call
our lawyers.
981
00:42:41,385 --> 00:42:42,764
Please don't do that.
982
00:42:42,950 --> 00:42:46,950
That makes you seem like you are you are
bolstering for a fight.
983
00:42:46,950 --> 00:42:48,170
You call in a mediator.
984
00:42:48,390 --> 00:42:50,390
Now the lawyer I mean, I'm a lawyer mediator.
985
00:42:50,390 --> 00:42:51,269
You can be a lawyer.
986
00:42:51,269 --> 00:42:51,990
That's okay.
987
00:42:51,990 --> 00:42:53,510
But you must be a mediator.
988
00:42:53,510 --> 00:42:59,574
You must be trained in how to do things, how to
be an ombud, how to ask questions correctly,
989
00:42:59,635 --> 00:43:05,954
not to be antagonistic, how to open something
up as opposed to protectively shutting it down.
990
00:43:05,954 --> 00:43:08,280
You must be trained in how to do this.
991
00:43:08,440 --> 00:43:13,239
And I cannot tell you the number of cases that
I've mediated where HR called in their lawyer
992
00:43:13,239 --> 00:43:14,059
to investigate.
993
00:43:14,840 --> 00:43:15,800
Oh my god.
994
00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:16,440
Oh my god.
995
00:43:16,440 --> 00:43:19,420
It becomes such a hard mess to clean up
afterwards.
996
00:43:19,960 --> 00:43:21,719
Immediately, wet spaghetti sauce.
997
00:43:21,719 --> 00:43:23,079
That should be the name of the program.
998
00:43:23,079 --> 00:43:24,255
Wet spaghetti sauce.
999
00:43:24,734 --> 00:43:29,614
You bring in a third party mediator
immediately, and you make it light just so you
1000
00:43:29,614 --> 00:43:30,914
guys can talk it through.
1001
00:43:31,134 --> 00:43:31,614
Right?
1002
00:43:31,614 --> 00:43:33,454
Now let me let me go for hard.
1003
00:43:33,454 --> 00:43:34,914
I always like to go for hard.
1004
00:43:34,974 --> 00:43:39,250
Let's say an employee says, I don't feel safe.
1005
00:43:39,630 --> 00:43:40,130
Mhmm.
1006
00:43:40,349 --> 00:43:40,989
That can happen.
1007
00:43:40,989 --> 00:43:41,150
Right?
1008
00:43:41,150 --> 00:43:44,989
Because remember, people are replicating their
family situations and their parenting
1009
00:43:44,989 --> 00:43:47,329
situations or their spousal situations.
1010
00:43:47,949 --> 00:43:50,610
So you this is the this is what you do in HR.
1011
00:43:51,284 --> 00:43:52,744
What would make you feel safe?
1012
00:43:52,964 --> 00:43:53,284
Yeah.
1013
00:43:53,284 --> 00:43:58,025
Because he's got, or she's got a perspective
also.
1014
00:43:58,885 --> 00:44:03,844
And, you know, we're trying to be fair here and
try to see if we can't clean this up so that
1015
00:44:03,844 --> 00:44:04,644
you do feel safe.
1016
00:44:04,644 --> 00:44:06,105
What would make you feel safe?
1017
00:44:06,400 --> 00:44:06,639
K.
1018
00:44:06,639 --> 00:44:08,079
Now it's not bringing your lawyer.
1019
00:44:08,079 --> 00:44:08,579
Mm-mm.
1020
00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:09,920
That's not good.
1021
00:44:09,920 --> 00:44:11,219
Is there a friend at work?
1022
00:44:12,000 --> 00:44:12,980
Is it your brother?
1023
00:44:13,679 --> 00:44:14,659
Is it your spouse?
1024
00:44:15,360 --> 00:44:15,860
Okay.
1025
00:44:16,880 --> 00:44:17,519
So what?
1026
00:44:17,519 --> 00:44:18,675
What difference does it make?
1027
00:44:18,755 --> 00:44:20,195
Now let's say the I wanna make this hard.
1028
00:44:20,195 --> 00:44:21,474
Let's say the other side says, sure.
1029
00:44:21,474 --> 00:44:21,875
Fine.
1030
00:44:21,875 --> 00:44:23,954
Let's say the other side is, well, I'm not
gonna be there alone.
1031
00:44:23,954 --> 00:44:24,755
2 against 1.
1032
00:44:24,755 --> 00:44:25,474
Blah blah blah.
1033
00:44:25,474 --> 00:44:25,974
Fine.
1034
00:44:26,195 --> 00:44:27,655
What would make you feel safe?
1035
00:44:27,715 --> 00:44:29,954
Now did you just make it a little harder for
the mediator?
1036
00:44:29,954 --> 00:44:32,434
Because now there's 4 people to deal with
instead of 2.
1037
00:44:32,434 --> 00:44:32,909
Yeah.
1038
00:44:32,909 --> 00:44:34,210
That's why you hire a professional.
1039
00:44:34,589 --> 00:44:37,409
That's why you hire a mediator because you can
handle it.
1040
00:44:37,710 --> 00:44:38,449
That's why.
1041
00:44:38,670 --> 00:44:39,150
That's why.
1042
00:44:39,150 --> 00:44:40,369
Wet spaghetti sauce.
1043
00:44:40,670 --> 00:44:42,429
That's our that's the name of our new program.
1044
00:44:42,429 --> 00:44:43,569
Wet spaghetti sauce.
1045
00:44:45,150 --> 00:44:47,730
I was, I was calling it the center for care and
accountability.
1046
00:44:49,065 --> 00:44:50,125
That works too.
1047
00:44:50,664 --> 00:44:51,784
That wits spaghetti sauce,
1048
00:44:51,784 --> 00:44:53,644
aka wits spaghetti sauce.
1049
00:44:54,905 --> 00:44:56,585
Well, I it gosh.
1050
00:44:56,585 --> 00:45:00,585
I'm so grateful to you for your time, and this
has been fascinating.
1051
00:45:00,585 --> 00:45:06,670
And I am literally going to, like, overnight
your book so I can study it.
1052
00:45:06,670 --> 00:45:11,329
And then I'll make it everybody And I'll tell
you what I put in the book also for people.
1053
00:45:11,469 --> 00:45:14,589
The publisher wanted me to write a workbook,
and they were gonna sell it as a separate
1054
00:45:14,589 --> 00:45:14,829
thing.
1055
00:45:14,829 --> 00:45:15,469
And I said, no.
1056
00:45:15,469 --> 00:45:16,844
I wanna give it away for free.
1057
00:45:16,844 --> 00:45:21,105
So in the back of the book, I have a workbook,
and it tracks the book.
1058
00:45:21,244 --> 00:45:23,824
So this way, training budgets are being
slashed.
1059
00:45:23,885 --> 00:45:26,224
People don't wanna put stuff into touchy feely
stuff.
1060
00:45:26,364 --> 00:45:28,525
So it's a $15 book on Amazon.
1061
00:45:28,525 --> 00:45:29,425
It's like nothing.
1062
00:45:29,840 --> 00:45:34,500
So get people in your work group or in your
family or in your church or in your HOA.
1063
00:45:34,960 --> 00:45:40,340
If you get a little book group going and you
read it together, then you follow the questions
1064
00:45:40,480 --> 00:45:43,039
along, and it becomes a really effective
training.
1065
00:45:43,039 --> 00:45:45,059
And you don't need a third party to do that.
1066
00:45:45,305 --> 00:45:47,224
Is it better if you have someone facilitate it?
1067
00:45:47,224 --> 00:45:48,105
Always, of course.
1068
00:45:48,105 --> 00:45:52,525
But if you don't have the budget for that, you
just do it yourself, and this is what happens.
1069
00:45:52,744 --> 00:45:55,724
I ask the questions, and someone says, well, I
thought that was stupid.
1070
00:45:56,265 --> 00:45:57,305
That would never happen.
1071
00:45:57,305 --> 00:45:58,825
And someone else says, really?
1072
00:45:58,825 --> 00:45:59,965
That happened to me.
1073
00:46:00,639 --> 00:46:00,960
No.
1074
00:46:00,960 --> 00:46:01,699
You're kidding.
1075
00:46:02,079 --> 00:46:02,239
No.
1076
00:46:02,239 --> 00:46:02,800
It's not.
1077
00:46:02,800 --> 00:46:03,780
Tell me about it.
1078
00:46:04,320 --> 00:46:05,219
What just happened?
1079
00:46:05,440 --> 00:46:05,840
Mhmm.
1080
00:46:05,840 --> 00:46:10,099
Learning, team building, trust building from
just that.
1081
00:46:10,320 --> 00:46:12,159
It really it's magic beans.
1082
00:46:12,159 --> 00:46:14,079
It's really crazy magic how that happens.
1083
00:46:14,079 --> 00:46:17,085
So I'm that's why I needed to get it out there
for people.
1084
00:46:17,085 --> 00:46:19,804
I've got I've got 2 teams already that I'm
gonna use this with.
1085
00:46:19,804 --> 00:46:25,164
Am am I do I have to get any kind of, like,
rights or anything I can just go and take it
1086
00:46:25,164 --> 00:46:25,885
into this group?
1087
00:46:25,885 --> 00:46:26,204
Okay.
1088
00:46:26,204 --> 00:46:26,945
I'm on it.
1089
00:46:27,110 --> 00:46:31,989
And part of my reason doing that is thank God I
make a good enough living with what I do as a
1090
00:46:31,989 --> 00:46:32,489
mediator.
1091
00:46:32,710 --> 00:46:35,050
My goal is high tide raises all ships.
1092
00:46:35,190 --> 00:46:39,315
It's like Ben Franklin invented the weather
vane, and he didn't patent it.
1093
00:46:39,474 --> 00:46:43,974
He just sent it out into the world so that
houses wouldn't get blown up by lightning.
1094
00:46:44,514 --> 00:46:46,114
I feel like that's what I'm doing with this.
1095
00:46:46,114 --> 00:46:46,914
This is a weather vane.
1096
00:46:46,914 --> 00:46:49,175
I am giving it out there to people.
1097
00:46:49,554 --> 00:46:50,855
Make your life better.
1098
00:46:51,074 --> 00:46:52,650
Do good things with this.
1099
00:46:52,969 --> 00:46:54,010
Spread it around.
1100
00:46:54,010 --> 00:46:59,469
And I have, my LinkedIn page and Instagram
page, a Facebook page.
1101
00:47:00,569 --> 00:47:08,764
I post every single day, and I rotate between
inspiration, education, and, entertainment.
1102
00:47:09,304 --> 00:47:16,025
So I do funny little light things and then hard
deep things in 30 seconds a day so people can
1103
00:47:16,025 --> 00:47:18,505
kinda, you know, keep it in their mind.
1104
00:47:18,505 --> 00:47:22,364
And so I'm gonna leave us with one funny little
thing that I just posted.
1105
00:47:23,079 --> 00:47:24,940
What does space smell like?
1106
00:47:26,119 --> 00:47:27,420
Then interesting question.
1107
00:47:27,880 --> 00:47:28,760
How can we ever know?
1108
00:47:28,760 --> 00:47:30,380
We're never out there without a helmet.
1109
00:47:30,679 --> 00:47:35,559
But astronauts have come back, and as soon as
they that it the the residue was still on the
1110
00:47:35,559 --> 00:47:35,925
helmet.
1111
00:47:35,925 --> 00:47:37,605
So when they lift it up, they get a whiff of
it.
1112
00:47:37,605 --> 00:47:40,184
And you know what every single astronaut has
said?
1113
00:47:40,724 --> 00:47:44,184
It smells like burnt metal or charred meat.
1114
00:47:46,005 --> 00:47:47,224
Isn't that interesting?
1115
00:47:49,530 --> 00:47:50,030
Fascinating.
1116
00:47:50,170 --> 00:47:55,309
They think it's from the stars or the gas or
you know, it's there's so much to learn.
1117
00:47:55,610 --> 00:47:57,230
What a great time to be alive.
1118
00:47:57,449 --> 00:47:58,269
How exciting.
1119
00:47:58,410 --> 00:47:59,869
A great time to be alive.
1120
00:48:00,130 --> 00:48:02,630
Kesha Abrams, everybody, my idol.
1121
00:48:02,690 --> 00:48:03,990
Thank you so much.
1122
00:48:05,570 --> 00:48:06,070
Bye.