WEBVTT
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[SPEAKER_01]: So yesterday I screwed up.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, did.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And it cost us $15.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Which doesn't sound like a lot.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Except that this $15 could have definitely spiraled us into an argument that we've had a hundred times.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Money, trust, responsibility.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And me feeling like I'm back in the courtroom.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And we've been here so many times before.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, a lot.
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[SPEAKER_01]: But yesterday, something different happened.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We handled that better.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And it reminded us of something that we tell couples all the time.
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[SPEAKER_01]: You don't get better at your relationship by never dealing with that problem again.
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[SPEAKER_00]: No, you change it by getting better every time the problem comes back.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So let's talk about what happened.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Hello all and welcome to the relationship for innovation, podcast where we talk everything relationships.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I am Tara Kerwin and my name is EJ Kerwin and today we're going to talk about something that happened.
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[SPEAKER_01]: yesterday.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's like our favorite thing to do.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We always use our own shit too.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But we keep getting better at it, which is kind of like the episode today.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So we're living proof that you can have the same problems over and over and over again.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And every time you just start using skills and you keep getting better.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And yesterday was a win.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So although it felt uncomfortable, we were like we wanted to share it because I feel like so many people could benefit from this sharing.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Alright, so it's like the groundwork here, it's been a long week, I've been sick, very sick.
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[SPEAKER_01]: But you know, we were home and I was in the bathroom and Tara asks me,
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[SPEAKER_00]: Well, what did I say?
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[SPEAKER_00]: I said, oh, I said, do you have my world market credit card?
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[SPEAKER_00]: I can't find it and I know that my payment is due soon because we like did our living room and I got a new chair on well market credit card.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And then I said, oh, I have that bill.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It's in my bag.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Let me get it for you.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And so we get it, and as soon as she said that, I was like, shit, I think I needed to, I don't think I paid that.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And I think it's doing the next couple days.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Just a couple days.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Just a couple days.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it does all of the bills.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I was like, please let it be like the 8th or 9th, not the 7th.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So we get it, I give it to her.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It's due that day, but I'm like, oh, shit, at least we'll pay it.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So I give it to her.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and I'm like a little like, oh my gosh, okay, it was like 5, 10 Pacific Standard Time, and I look on the letter and it's like, oh, it needs to be paid by five Eastern Standard Time where you'll have a late charge, and immediately I was like, oh my gosh, like, first of all, if I wouldn't have even asked EJ, this probably would have sat in his briefcase, like I just started to feel all of that, like when we were so busy when the twins were born
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I just started to feel like anger, resentment, I'm like, oh my gosh, like I'm now gonna have to pay a late payment What if this goes on my credit report, I'm trying to like, build my credit up and I just could feel myself getting really angry and in my old story very quickly
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[SPEAKER_01]: And I, well, I mean, my instantaneous thing was like, oh, I screwed up, gosh, dang it.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Like, you know, there was like the total realization that like, I put that in my briefcase like four days ago, I was gonna pay it, I forgot, you know, I knew I messed up so that there was no ifsans or butts about that.
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[SPEAKER_01]: But then there's also, well, there's like two things going on my mind.
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[SPEAKER_01]: One is like,
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[SPEAKER_01]: kind of watching her like that old you know in my safe and my not safe thing of like okay how pissed is she gonna get and then there's that other like like sort of bubbling defensiveness of like man I handle like so much I do the books for both of our businesses our household like and I make one mistake having that missed any payments and like
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[SPEAKER_01]: forever.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And, you know, so I start to go into my, my defensiveness.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And then this is where this goes back to an episode that we had just like three weeks ago, the courtroom trap were like instantaneously, it starts to, it feels like we are in the courtroom, tears the prosecutor.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm on the witness stand.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But we did it differently.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And we did it differently within five minutes.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And that's my perception.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We were okay, and I was off to the gym.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So I feel it in my body, right?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Old story, like, oh my gosh, I've got to just take care of this myself, it's all on me.
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[SPEAKER_00]: If I didn't ask for this, it would have been late and right, my old story, like, I have to do everything in order for it to get done right.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And then I'm like, oh my gosh, like in my mind, I didn't say this out loud.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, Eja handles so much.
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[SPEAKER_00]: He does all of our finances.
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[SPEAKER_00]: He has been really sick.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like I trust him.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I just let my nervous system know like, I'm okay.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to go into old story and protect yourself.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like initially I was like,
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[SPEAKER_00]: You're okay, I'm safe.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So I internally sue the first, right?
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I call the credit card company, yes, we're charging you $15.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I was just able to be like, okay, and I just said, EJ, like, will you just give me, like, when I get my credit card balances in the mail, we just give them to me.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So I can, like, make a,
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[SPEAKER_00]: thing in my mind, you know, where I know when the date is due.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like I can have some autonomy.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to take care of everything.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I know that you do all of the payment pieces, but I was like, just give it to me because this shouldn't be on you too.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And it was like a sharing of the teamwork kind of feel.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And for me, it was like very similar like I stayed self-aware.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Like what I did differently is I was like, okay, I didn't like just focus on like her and trying to manage tears, whatever experience she was going to have.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, okay, like I did mess up and I'm just going to be present for it.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And it's okay
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[SPEAKER_01]: It goes like, you know, I'm not going to like, I'm not going to like somehow shirt responsibility.
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[SPEAKER_01]: But I'm also not going to go into like some sort of a shame spiral, which which will end up with me then feeling like I have to defend myself.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm just going to stay.
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[SPEAKER_01]: really present.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to be really aware of not letting some cognitive thing launch in my head around resentment and feeling unappreciated.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So my biggest thing was just like, stay present, don't defend yourself.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, and be accountable right and and that was really helpful because you're like Tira I that is on me.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I totally forgot it was in my bag and you're like, and I want you to know like I've been doing really great at our dashboard Peace like every day.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm looking at all of our
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[SPEAKER_00]: finances and accounting and stuff and that just made me feel like because in the past like if you guys have listened to our podcast Like we have not had systems for things and we have a very like most people chaotic life and things will just fall through their crack and then I We both start to feel mistrustful
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[SPEAKER_00]: And so hearing EJ like, hey, just setting you know like I'm on this now because we had a big thing that happened last year and it was really scary and that was like thank you EJ like thank you for like saying yes I know this causes you anxiety Tara and I just want to let you know like I'm sorry and I'm also doing this daily to make sure that we're okay and I meant a lot.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, and I think so for me it was like a two-prong thing.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It was like not going to defensiveness.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So it's like the process.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not going to get into the process of becoming defensive.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to stay present.
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[SPEAKER_01]: But then there is a content piece of it of it.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It is about the bills.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And I was able to say like, look, we didn't use to have systems around this.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And now you know,
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[SPEAKER_01]: that has every Monday I look at each business and what's in those accounts and what's gonna come out in the next week and so I was able in a non-defensive way to say like look I am like really working hard to have systems that maintain our financial safety
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[SPEAKER_00]: And the impact of just both of us, like you working on not being defensive, me working on like not going into old story and feeling mistrustful.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like even though we still have a lot going on, like instead of mistrust, I was like, I trust us.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like we're okay.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We work really hard.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We do a lot of things like we're okay.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And that was so important because if I wouldn't have had those skills.
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[SPEAKER_00]: From all the different times these situations have risen, it would have Completely derailed us and I would have been like here we go again.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like I can't handle this anymore Like we'll never be okay Like I just go into victim mode and it did not happen.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I wanted to go there and my body was like nope You're not that is not good Yeah, and you end up sitting a really nice text afterwards I didn't like I mean in the past like moments like this could have
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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, they could have definitely ruined hours, if not entire days.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So then moving out to all of you, because I think a big question that couples ask that actually contributes to maybe an instance like this escalating is one or both people saying, like, why are we still dealing with this?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Exactly.
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[SPEAKER_01]: You know, is like terror being like, why is this still an issue or like me being, why can't she give me some grace?
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[SPEAKER_01]: And so the whole purpose of this episode is to say that like these triggers are never going to entirely go away.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Like finances are stressful.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Parenting is stressful.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Intimacy and your relationship can be stressful.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So those triggers are not going to go away.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And if any time a trigger comes up, you see that as failure as like, oh, we're just, we suck.
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[SPEAKER_00]: No.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It's going to be a problem.
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[SPEAKER_01]: But if you see it instead as, this is an opportunity where we can do it differently.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_00]: No, like I love that we still have our triggers and that we can literally buy using our own tools individually as a couple, we are living proof that we can get through it because triggers will never stop and transitions will constantly happen.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And when you're able to come from this place of like, I have a choice right now.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I could go into this old place, this resentment, this awful anger, this anxiety, great.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Where is that going to take me?
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[SPEAKER_00]: No, we're good.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Or have this choice to be like, gosh, I'm going to give each of the benefit of the doubt.
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[SPEAKER_00]: He didn't freaking do this shit on purpose.
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[SPEAKER_00]: He was not trying to hurt me.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I'm okay.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's $15.
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[SPEAKER_00]: If it goes on my credit, who gives a shit?
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's so instantaneous now, right before it would take us like anything.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It takes couples like days sometimes to even come back So again, it's not about the problem is going to keep coming up in different ways But if you get I think you said this if you get 10% better every time You know like yesterday.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I felt so proud like when I was driving to the gym after that like gosh Like because I kind of do this like processing after like when we've used our skills and they work
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[SPEAKER_00]: like that could have been I could have been driving right now so angry and sad and like why am I in this and this feels awful and I'm such a victim and I didn't I was like I'm gonna I love E.J.
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[SPEAKER_00]: and I love us and I'm so proud of us that we got through that so it actually builds confidence
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[SPEAKER_01]: And so this is a take home here for listeners is that relationships shift through reps, right?
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[SPEAKER_01]: We change through repetition.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Is that every time we are faced with a dynamic, you know, with a face with a dynamic and sometimes we, we totally trip and fall and we go into,
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[SPEAKER_01]: That old pattern, but maybe we catch ourselves and it or just doesn't go quite as bad, right?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Or maybe we just realize afterwards when it has totally, you know, overwhelmed our day and pulled us apart, we're like, Oh, what could I have done differently?
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[SPEAKER_01]: What could, you know, and mostly it's what could I have done?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Not what terror could have done differently because terror has got to be, that's her thing to figure out, right?
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[SPEAKER_01]: So instead of looking at it as a failure,
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[SPEAKER_01]: we look at it as an opportunity.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I was working with a couple yesterday, and there was this dynamic that they were really struggling with around like checking in with each other when they're away.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And one member of the couple really had an opportunity last weekend to sort of make it work and to change it.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And it didn't work, you know, it didn't happen.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And instead of my focus with them was instead of like this really knocking you to the ground is can you just look at it as like, wow, I need to be just a little more prepared.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I have to create a little more solid of the system to keep me from, you know, not falling into that old pattern, right?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So relationships change through repetition, through going through those difficult times together,
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[SPEAKER_00]: And it's hard because it's still uncomfortable.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I know you're like, oh my gosh, avoid conflict at all costs, you know.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But when you keep having moments where you can get through uncomfortable times together, it really does start to feel okay.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's still uncomfortable.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, you know, frustrated there for a minute and I know you were too, but we got through it and now we're sharing it today.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It feels really good.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And so a better measure of progress is not the question, why are we still having this problem?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
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[SPEAKER_01]: But it's, are we getting better at when we have this problem?
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[SPEAKER_00]: So what's the love work for our listeners?
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[SPEAKER_01]: All right, so the love work is looking at one pain point in your relationship, one place that ends you back in that courtroom trap, right?
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[SPEAKER_00]: And that in that story, you know so well that it's not serve anybody good.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, so so maybe talking about like, you know, in a non-activated moment around that dynamic that you know is a struggle for the two of you.
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[SPEAKER_01]: and asking yourselves the question, like, how can each of us get 10% better?
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[SPEAKER_01]: It's a small thing that we can do, that the next time it comes around, it might help us resolve it a little bit quicker.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, I love that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: My 10% well, I feel like it was a lot yesterday, but for me, like somatic recognition is huge.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Now, like as soon as I noticed my body feeling that anxiety, I'm like, oh, I have to like let myself know I'm okay.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
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[SPEAKER_00]: This is okay.
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[SPEAKER_00]: This is a freaking one day late charge.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And my, and mine is cognitive loop.
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[SPEAKER_01]: This is bullshit.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I can't believe this.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I have to catch those loops before they just like take me into this place of resentment and then event and judgment, right?
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[SPEAKER_01]: And so here's another great framework to think of is same trigger.
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[SPEAKER_01]: The triggers are gonna come.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Same trigger, different response, which leads to a different outcome.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And then we want to hear from you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We want to hear that how your 10% shifted it, because that's what builds, first of all, in our community and our Patreon community and our just our whole relationship and a vision community, like having that uncomfortable moments, but being able to get through them, 10% better every time and hearing from you guys, it feels so empowering.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And it's why we keep doing our work, right?
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[SPEAKER_00]: We keep getting better and better.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like there's times where I'm like, man, each,
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[SPEAKER_00]: We're doing our podcast and we had like so much of this should not figure it out.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But we were still talking about it, still crying about it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I think I cried a lot more than because I felt like my gosh, it's still happening.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, but it's like so just again, I know it just takes time, patience, love, commitment, perseverance, commitment I think is huge to yourself and to your partner and things just start to feel smoother.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So,
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[SPEAKER_01]: One last time.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Progress doesn't mean triggers disappear.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Progress is that triggers lose their power over you and it happens slowly and it's not totally linear.
16:47.465 --> 16:49.928
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, there's there's abs and foes because we could have.
16:50.268 --> 16:58.292
[SPEAKER_01]: We could have a moment about money in the next month or two that could not go as well as it said that doesn't mean we're failing either, you know.
16:58.352 --> 17:02.453
[SPEAKER_00]: No, but every time you have wins like this, it builds up that like resource.
17:02.493 --> 17:08.576
[SPEAKER_00]: Like you know what, we're having this really big one, but we've actually had time very recently where we were able to get through that.
17:08.616 --> 17:17.320
[SPEAKER_00]: So again, it's just builds that confidence, it builds that new story, which if you're a couple that have gone through our relationship renovation model, you know old story, new story, it's like,
17:17.801 --> 17:21.148
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll still get caught up in going into old story, but here's our new story.
17:21.168 --> 17:22.190
[SPEAKER_00]: This is where we want to be.
17:22.591 --> 17:26.259
[SPEAKER_00]: Trust, love, connection, emotional safety, done and done.
17:27.174 --> 17:29.116
[SPEAKER_01]: All right, well, thank you once again.
17:29.176 --> 17:42.147
[SPEAKER_01]: We're sticking with Tara and I and our relationship issues that we know most, if not all of you are dealing with very similar things, we do appreciate when you give us a like, when you give us a follow.
17:42.668 --> 17:43.688
[SPEAKER_01]: So please follow.
17:43.748 --> 17:54.398
[SPEAKER_01]: And if you're interested in any of our offerings from our upcoming retreats to our coaching to my men who do the work group, which is forming another cohort right now,
17:55.138 --> 18:03.002
[SPEAKER_01]: Just reach out, coaching at relationship renovation, or if you have a question for us at podcasts at relationship renovation, we love to hear from you all.
18:03.363 --> 18:11.527
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you all for reaching out your kind words for listening to us, and as always take care of yourself, take care of each other.
18:11.727 --> 18:12.087
[SPEAKER_00]: Bye-bye.
18:12.167 --> 18:12.467
[SPEAKER_00]: Bye-bye.
00:00.311 --> 00:01.892
[SPEAKER_01]: So yesterday I screwed up.
00:02.212 --> 00:02.592
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, did.
00:03.192 --> 00:05.053
[SPEAKER_01]: And it cost us $15.
00:05.333 --> 00:06.714
[SPEAKER_00]: Which doesn't sound like a lot.
00:07.234 --> 00:16.177
[SPEAKER_01]: Except that this $15 could have definitely spiraled us into an argument that we've had a hundred times.
00:16.637 --> 00:19.479
[SPEAKER_00]: Money, trust, responsibility.
00:19.839 --> 00:23.080
[SPEAKER_01]: And me feeling like I'm back in the courtroom.
00:23.452 --> 00:25.873
[SPEAKER_00]: And we've been here so many times before.
00:25.893 --> 00:27.393
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, a lot.
00:28.293 --> 00:31.374
[SPEAKER_01]: But yesterday, something different happened.
00:31.454 --> 00:32.734
[SPEAKER_00]: We handled that better.
00:34.174 --> 00:37.675
[SPEAKER_01]: And it reminded us of something that we tell couples all the time.
00:38.295 --> 00:43.877
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't get better at your relationship by never dealing with that problem again.
00:44.557 --> 00:48.618
[SPEAKER_00]: No, you change it by getting better every time the problem comes back.
00:48.938 --> 00:49.958
[SPEAKER_01]: So let's talk about what happened.
00:55.262 --> 01:01.209
[SPEAKER_00]: Hello all and welcome to the relationship for innovation, podcast where we talk everything relationships.
01:01.789 --> 01:07.455
[SPEAKER_01]: I am Tara Kerwin and my name is EJ Kerwin and today we're going to talk about something that happened.
01:08.427 --> 01:08.867
[SPEAKER_01]: yesterday.
01:08.887 --> 01:10.129
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like our favorite thing to do.
01:10.189 --> 01:13.371
[SPEAKER_00]: We always use our own shit too.
01:13.572 --> 01:16.734
[SPEAKER_00]: But we keep getting better at it, which is kind of like the episode today.
01:16.774 --> 01:20.998
[SPEAKER_00]: So we're living proof that you can have the same problems over and over and over again.
01:21.158 --> 01:24.021
[SPEAKER_00]: And every time you just start using skills and you keep getting better.
01:24.061 --> 01:25.202
[SPEAKER_00]: And yesterday was a win.
01:25.642 --> 01:32.588
[SPEAKER_00]: So although it felt uncomfortable, we were like we wanted to share it because I feel like so many people could benefit from this sharing.
01:32.957 --> 01:39.801
[SPEAKER_01]: Alright, so it's like the groundwork here, it's been a long week, I've been sick, very sick.
01:39.981 --> 01:45.385
[SPEAKER_01]: But you know, we were home and I was in the bathroom and Tara asks me,
01:46.606 --> 01:47.447
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, what did I say?
01:47.487 --> 01:52.451
[SPEAKER_00]: I said, oh, I said, do you have my world market credit card?
01:53.252 --> 02:00.037
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't find it and I know that my payment is due soon because we like did our living room and I got a new chair on well market credit card.
02:00.397 --> 02:03.240
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I said, oh, I have that bill.
02:03.440 --> 02:04.741
[SPEAKER_01]: It's in my bag.
02:04.761 --> 02:05.502
[SPEAKER_01]: Let me get it for you.
02:06.265 --> 02:12.330
[SPEAKER_01]: And so we get it, and as soon as she said that, I was like, shit, I think I needed to, I don't think I paid that.
02:12.350 --> 02:14.091
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think it's doing the next couple days.
02:14.372 --> 02:14.812
[SPEAKER_01]: Just a couple days.
02:14.832 --> 02:15.532
[SPEAKER_01]: Just a couple days.
02:15.552 --> 02:16.653
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it does all of the bills.
02:16.693 --> 02:21.037
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I was like, please let it be like the 8th or 9th, not the 7th.
02:21.057 --> 02:22.778
[SPEAKER_01]: So we get it, I give it to her.
02:23.119 --> 02:26.401
[SPEAKER_01]: It's due that day, but I'm like, oh, shit, at least we'll pay it.
02:26.421 --> 02:27.222
[SPEAKER_01]: So I give it to her.
02:27.872 --> 02:53.300
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and I'm like a little like, oh my gosh, okay, it was like 5, 10 Pacific Standard Time, and I look on the letter and it's like, oh, it needs to be paid by five Eastern Standard Time where you'll have a late charge, and immediately I was like, oh my gosh, like, first of all, if I wouldn't have even asked EJ, this probably would have sat in his briefcase, like I just started to feel all of that, like when we were so busy when the twins were born
02:56.221 --> 03:12.715
[SPEAKER_00]: And I just started to feel like anger, resentment, I'm like, oh my gosh, like I'm now gonna have to pay a late payment What if this goes on my credit report, I'm trying to like, build my credit up and I just could feel myself getting really angry and in my old story very quickly
03:13.255 --> 03:19.260
[SPEAKER_01]: And I, well, I mean, my instantaneous thing was like, oh, I screwed up, gosh, dang it.
03:19.280 --> 03:30.530
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, you know, there was like the total realization that like, I put that in my briefcase like four days ago, I was gonna pay it, I forgot, you know, I knew I messed up so that there was no ifsans or butts about that.
03:30.950 --> 03:34.073
[SPEAKER_01]: But then there's also, well, there's like two things going on my mind.
03:34.353 --> 03:35.014
[SPEAKER_01]: One is like,
03:36.277 --> 03:58.674
[SPEAKER_01]: kind of watching her like that old you know in my safe and my not safe thing of like okay how pissed is she gonna get and then there's that other like like sort of bubbling defensiveness of like man I handle like so much I do the books for both of our businesses our household like and I make one mistake having that missed any payments and like
03:59.354 --> 04:00.075
[SPEAKER_01]: forever.
04:00.995 --> 04:04.917
[SPEAKER_01]: And, you know, so I start to go into my, my defensiveness.
04:04.977 --> 04:17.005
[SPEAKER_01]: And then this is where this goes back to an episode that we had just like three weeks ago, the courtroom trap were like instantaneously, it starts to, it feels like we are in the courtroom, tears the prosecutor.
04:17.765 --> 04:19.186
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm on the witness stand.
04:19.446 --> 04:20.386
[SPEAKER_00]: But we did it differently.
04:20.667 --> 04:23.728
[SPEAKER_00]: And we did it differently within five minutes.
04:24.388 --> 04:25.488
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's my perception.
04:25.669 --> 04:28.210
[SPEAKER_00]: We were okay, and I was off to the gym.
04:28.610 --> 04:30.450
[SPEAKER_00]: So I feel it in my body, right?
04:30.531 --> 04:34.592
[SPEAKER_00]: Old story, like, oh my gosh, I've got to just take care of this myself, it's all on me.
04:35.212 --> 04:41.475
[SPEAKER_00]: If I didn't ask for this, it would have been late and right, my old story, like, I have to do everything in order for it to get done right.
04:41.915 --> 04:45.678
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I'm like, oh my gosh, like in my mind, I didn't say this out loud.
04:45.698 --> 04:47.019
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, Eja handles so much.
04:47.059 --> 04:48.580
[SPEAKER_00]: He does all of our finances.
04:49.461 --> 04:51.222
[SPEAKER_00]: He has been really sick.
04:52.063 --> 04:53.344
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I trust him.
04:53.364 --> 04:56.847
[SPEAKER_00]: And I just let my nervous system know like, I'm okay.
04:56.907 --> 04:59.269
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to go into old story and protect yourself.
04:59.289 --> 05:00.329
[SPEAKER_00]: Like initially I was like,
05:01.150 --> 05:02.051
[SPEAKER_00]: You're okay, I'm safe.
05:02.071 --> 05:06.173
[SPEAKER_00]: So I internally sue the first, right?
05:06.314 --> 05:10.156
[SPEAKER_00]: And I call the credit card company, yes, we're charging you $15.
05:10.637 --> 05:18.762
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was just able to be like, okay, and I just said, EJ, like, will you just give me, like, when I get my credit card balances in the mail, we just give them to me.
05:18.802 --> 05:19.823
[SPEAKER_00]: So I can, like, make a,
05:20.603 --> 05:24.465
[SPEAKER_00]: thing in my mind, you know, where I know when the date is due.
05:24.666 --> 05:26.006
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I can have some autonomy.
05:26.026 --> 05:27.307
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to take care of everything.
05:27.327 --> 05:32.990
[SPEAKER_00]: I know that you do all of the payment pieces, but I was like, just give it to me because this shouldn't be on you too.
05:33.030 --> 05:35.732
[SPEAKER_00]: And it was like a sharing of the teamwork kind of feel.
05:36.132 --> 05:36.332
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
05:36.813 --> 05:42.878
[SPEAKER_01]: And for me, it was like very similar like I stayed self-aware.
05:43.398 --> 05:43.658
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
05:43.919 --> 05:55.048
[SPEAKER_01]: Like what I did differently is I was like, okay, I didn't like just focus on like her and trying to manage tears, whatever experience she was going to have.
05:55.589 --> 06:01.534
[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, okay, like I did mess up and I'm just going to be present for it.
06:01.694 --> 06:02.274
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's okay
06:03.395 --> 06:08.799
[SPEAKER_01]: It goes like, you know, I'm not going to like, I'm not going to like somehow shirt responsibility.
06:09.779 --> 06:17.484
[SPEAKER_01]: But I'm also not going to go into like some sort of a shame spiral, which which will end up with me then feeling like I have to defend myself.
06:17.665 --> 06:17.885
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
06:18.045 --> 06:19.106
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm just going to stay.
06:19.986 --> 06:20.787
[SPEAKER_01]: really present.
06:20.987 --> 06:29.974
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to be really aware of not letting some cognitive thing launch in my head around resentment and feeling unappreciated.
06:30.614 --> 06:36.539
[SPEAKER_01]: So my biggest thing was just like, stay present, don't defend yourself.
06:36.863 --> 06:42.469
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, and be accountable right and and that was really helpful because you're like Tira I that is on me.
06:42.589 --> 06:50.717
[SPEAKER_00]: I totally forgot it was in my bag and you're like, and I want you to know like I've been doing really great at our dashboard Peace like every day.
06:50.737 --> 06:51.838
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm looking at all of our
06:52.478 --> 07:08.805
[SPEAKER_00]: finances and accounting and stuff and that just made me feel like because in the past like if you guys have listened to our podcast Like we have not had systems for things and we have a very like most people chaotic life and things will just fall through their crack and then I We both start to feel mistrustful
07:09.625 --> 07:32.615
[SPEAKER_00]: And so hearing EJ like, hey, just setting you know like I'm on this now because we had a big thing that happened last year and it was really scary and that was like thank you EJ like thank you for like saying yes I know this causes you anxiety Tara and I just want to let you know like I'm sorry and I'm also doing this daily to make sure that we're okay and I meant a lot.
07:32.715 --> 07:32.895
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
07:33.356 --> 07:36.358
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, and I think so for me it was like a two-prong thing.
07:36.398 --> 07:38.780
[SPEAKER_01]: It was like not going to defensiveness.
07:39.540 --> 07:41.202
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's like the process.
07:41.262 --> 07:43.944
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not going to get into the process of becoming defensive.
07:43.984 --> 07:45.005
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to stay present.
07:45.345 --> 07:48.287
[SPEAKER_01]: But then there is a content piece of it of it.
07:48.467 --> 07:49.788
[SPEAKER_01]: It is about the bills.
07:50.269 --> 07:55.213
[SPEAKER_01]: And I was able to say like, look, we didn't use to have systems around this.
07:55.813 --> 07:57.314
[SPEAKER_01]: And now you know,
08:01.157 --> 08:19.314
[SPEAKER_01]: that has every Monday I look at each business and what's in those accounts and what's gonna come out in the next week and so I was able in a non-defensive way to say like look I am like really working hard to have systems that maintain our financial safety
08:19.594 --> 08:27.359
[SPEAKER_00]: And the impact of just both of us, like you working on not being defensive, me working on like not going into old story and feeling mistrustful.
08:28.079 --> 08:33.803
[SPEAKER_00]: Like even though we still have a lot going on, like instead of mistrust, I was like, I trust us.
08:33.863 --> 08:34.823
[SPEAKER_00]: Like we're okay.
08:34.843 --> 08:36.124
[SPEAKER_00]: We work really hard.
08:36.825 --> 08:39.346
[SPEAKER_00]: We do a lot of things like we're okay.
08:39.406 --> 08:43.048
[SPEAKER_00]: And that was so important because if I wouldn't have had those skills.
08:44.269 --> 08:51.674
[SPEAKER_00]: From all the different times these situations have risen, it would have Completely derailed us and I would have been like here we go again.
08:51.734 --> 08:58.239
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I can't handle this anymore Like we'll never be okay Like I just go into victim mode and it did not happen.
08:58.259 --> 09:09.687
[SPEAKER_01]: I wanted to go there and my body was like nope You're not that is not good Yeah, and you end up sitting a really nice text afterwards I didn't like I mean in the past like moments like this could have
09:10.327 --> 09:13.569
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, they could have definitely ruined hours, if not entire days.
09:14.090 --> 09:32.223
[SPEAKER_01]: So then moving out to all of you, because I think a big question that couples ask that actually contributes to maybe an instance like this escalating is one or both people saying, like, why are we still dealing with this?
09:32.363 --> 09:33.163
[SPEAKER_00]: Exactly.
09:33.203 --> 09:39.706
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, is like terror being like, why is this still an issue or like me being, why can't she give me some grace?
09:40.306 --> 09:48.529
[SPEAKER_01]: And so the whole purpose of this episode is to say that like these triggers are never going to entirely go away.
09:48.569 --> 09:50.390
[SPEAKER_01]: Like finances are stressful.
09:50.830 --> 09:52.370
[SPEAKER_01]: Parenting is stressful.
09:52.711 --> 09:56.112
[SPEAKER_01]: Intimacy and your relationship can be stressful.
09:56.652 --> 10:00.476
[SPEAKER_01]: So those triggers are not going to go away.
10:00.936 --> 10:08.404
[SPEAKER_01]: And if any time a trigger comes up, you see that as failure as like, oh, we're just, we suck.
10:09.004 --> 10:09.344
[SPEAKER_00]: No.
10:09.665 --> 10:10.746
[SPEAKER_01]: It's going to be a problem.
10:11.126 --> 10:17.192
[SPEAKER_01]: But if you see it instead as, this is an opportunity where we can do it differently.
10:17.332 --> 10:17.592
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
10:18.313 --> 10:34.476
[SPEAKER_00]: No, like I love that we still have our triggers and that we can literally buy using our own tools individually as a couple, we are living proof that we can get through it because triggers will never stop and transitions will constantly happen.
10:35.597 --> 10:39.680
[SPEAKER_00]: And when you're able to come from this place of like, I have a choice right now.
10:40.261 --> 10:45.164
[SPEAKER_00]: I could go into this old place, this resentment, this awful anger, this anxiety, great.
10:45.325 --> 10:46.445
[SPEAKER_00]: Where is that going to take me?
10:46.525 --> 10:47.186
[SPEAKER_00]: No, we're good.
10:47.206 --> 10:51.249
[SPEAKER_00]: Or have this choice to be like, gosh, I'm going to give each of the benefit of the doubt.
10:51.289 --> 10:53.090
[SPEAKER_00]: He didn't freaking do this shit on purpose.
10:53.110 --> 10:54.291
[SPEAKER_00]: He was not trying to hurt me.
10:54.351 --> 10:55.532
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I'm okay.
10:55.572 --> 10:56.413
[SPEAKER_00]: It's $15.
10:56.453 --> 10:57.994
[SPEAKER_00]: If it goes on my credit, who gives a shit?
10:58.614 --> 11:02.436
[SPEAKER_00]: It's so instantaneous now, right before it would take us like anything.
11:02.456 --> 11:15.264
[SPEAKER_00]: It takes couples like days sometimes to even come back So again, it's not about the problem is going to keep coming up in different ways But if you get I think you said this if you get 10% better every time You know like yesterday.
11:15.304 --> 11:24.750
[SPEAKER_00]: I felt so proud like when I was driving to the gym after that like gosh Like because I kind of do this like processing after like when we've used our skills and they work
11:25.630 --> 11:37.577
[SPEAKER_00]: like that could have been I could have been driving right now so angry and sad and like why am I in this and this feels awful and I'm such a victim and I didn't I was like I'm gonna I love E.J.
11:37.617 --> 11:41.340
[SPEAKER_00]: and I love us and I'm so proud of us that we got through that so it actually builds confidence
11:41.821 --> 11:50.383
[SPEAKER_01]: And so this is a take home here for listeners is that relationships shift through reps, right?
11:50.743 --> 11:52.644
[SPEAKER_01]: We change through repetition.
11:53.064 --> 12:00.786
[SPEAKER_01]: Is that every time we are faced with a dynamic, you know, with a face with a dynamic and sometimes we, we totally trip and fall and we go into,
12:02.586 --> 12:08.091
[SPEAKER_01]: That old pattern, but maybe we catch ourselves and it or just doesn't go quite as bad, right?
12:08.711 --> 12:19.119
[SPEAKER_01]: Or maybe we just realize afterwards when it has totally, you know, overwhelmed our day and pulled us apart, we're like, Oh, what could I have done differently?
12:19.199 --> 12:21.761
[SPEAKER_01]: What could, you know, and mostly it's what could I have done?
12:22.161 --> 12:27.065
[SPEAKER_01]: Not what terror could have done differently because terror has got to be, that's her thing to figure out, right?
12:27.705 --> 12:30.287
[SPEAKER_01]: So instead of looking at it as a failure,
12:31.288 --> 12:33.049
[SPEAKER_01]: we look at it as an opportunity.
12:33.109 --> 12:40.735
[SPEAKER_01]: I was working with a couple yesterday, and there was this dynamic that they were really struggling with around like checking in with each other when they're away.
12:41.415 --> 12:48.280
[SPEAKER_01]: And one member of the couple really had an opportunity last weekend to sort of make it work and to change it.
12:48.400 --> 12:50.201
[SPEAKER_01]: And it didn't work, you know, it didn't happen.
12:51.982 --> 13:02.550
[SPEAKER_01]: And instead of my focus with them was instead of like this really knocking you to the ground is can you just look at it as like, wow, I need to be just a little more prepared.
13:03.050 --> 13:12.637
[SPEAKER_01]: I have to create a little more solid of the system to keep me from, you know, not falling into that old pattern, right?
13:12.677 --> 13:12.917
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
13:13.137 --> 13:19.141
[SPEAKER_01]: So relationships change through repetition, through going through those difficult times together,
13:21.583 --> 13:23.724
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's hard because it's still uncomfortable.
13:23.804 --> 13:28.545
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I know you're like, oh my gosh, avoid conflict at all costs, you know.
13:28.585 --> 13:36.407
[SPEAKER_00]: But when you keep having moments where you can get through uncomfortable times together, it really does start to feel okay.
13:36.847 --> 13:37.868
[SPEAKER_00]: It's still uncomfortable.
13:37.908 --> 13:44.689
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, you know, frustrated there for a minute and I know you were too, but we got through it and now we're sharing it today.
13:44.709 --> 13:46.350
[SPEAKER_00]: It feels really good.
13:47.050 --> 13:54.339
[SPEAKER_01]: And so a better measure of progress is not the question, why are we still having this problem?
13:54.760 --> 13:55.140
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
13:55.501 --> 14:00.507
[SPEAKER_01]: But it's, are we getting better at when we have this problem?
14:00.779 --> 14:02.621
[SPEAKER_00]: So what's the love work for our listeners?
14:02.661 --> 14:13.009
[SPEAKER_01]: All right, so the love work is looking at one pain point in your relationship, one place that ends you back in that courtroom trap, right?
14:13.029 --> 14:17.613
[SPEAKER_00]: And that in that story, you know so well that it's not serve anybody good.
14:17.673 --> 14:25.840
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, so so maybe talking about like, you know, in a non-activated moment around that dynamic that you know is a struggle for the two of you.
14:26.380 --> 14:32.507
[SPEAKER_01]: and asking yourselves the question, like, how can each of us get 10% better?
14:33.768 --> 14:43.198
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a small thing that we can do, that the next time it comes around, it might help us resolve it a little bit quicker.
14:43.332 --> 14:44.573
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, I love that.
14:44.793 --> 14:52.337
[SPEAKER_00]: My 10% well, I feel like it was a lot yesterday, but for me, like somatic recognition is huge.
14:52.397 --> 15:02.363
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, like as soon as I noticed my body feeling that anxiety, I'm like, oh, I have to like let myself know I'm okay.
15:02.623 --> 15:02.823
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
15:02.843 --> 15:03.303
[SPEAKER_00]: This is okay.
15:03.323 --> 15:06.145
[SPEAKER_00]: This is a freaking one day late charge.
15:07.176 --> 15:10.537
[SPEAKER_01]: And my, and mine is cognitive loop.
15:11.337 --> 15:12.237
[SPEAKER_01]: This is bullshit.
15:12.277 --> 15:13.377
[SPEAKER_01]: I can't believe this.
15:13.457 --> 15:22.339
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I have to catch those loops before they just like take me into this place of resentment and then event and judgment, right?
15:22.659 --> 15:27.320
[SPEAKER_01]: And so here's another great framework to think of is same trigger.
15:27.940 --> 15:28.901
[SPEAKER_01]: The triggers are gonna come.
15:29.721 --> 15:35.842
[SPEAKER_01]: Same trigger, different response, which leads to a different outcome.
15:35.982 --> 15:37.023
[SPEAKER_00]: And then we want to hear from you.
15:38.003 --> 15:58.294
[SPEAKER_00]: We want to hear that how your 10% shifted it, because that's what builds, first of all, in our community and our Patreon community and our just our whole relationship and a vision community, like having that uncomfortable moments, but being able to get through them, 10% better every time and hearing from you guys, it feels so empowering.
15:58.934 --> 16:00.795
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's why we keep doing our work, right?
16:00.855 --> 16:02.436
[SPEAKER_00]: We keep getting better and better.
16:02.476 --> 16:03.937
[SPEAKER_00]: Like there's times where I'm like, man, each,
16:05.678 --> 16:08.759
[SPEAKER_00]: We're doing our podcast and we had like so much of this should not figure it out.
16:09.380 --> 16:12.381
[SPEAKER_00]: But we were still talking about it, still crying about it.
16:12.421 --> 16:17.884
[SPEAKER_00]: I think I cried a lot more than because I felt like my gosh, it's still happening.
16:18.104 --> 16:32.191
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, but it's like so just again, I know it just takes time, patience, love, commitment, perseverance, commitment I think is huge to yourself and to your partner and things just start to feel smoother.
16:32.611 --> 16:32.871
[SPEAKER_00]: So,
16:33.271 --> 16:33.912
[SPEAKER_01]: One last time.
16:34.452 --> 16:37.035
[SPEAKER_01]: Progress doesn't mean triggers disappear.
16:37.916 --> 16:46.945
[SPEAKER_01]: Progress is that triggers lose their power over you and it happens slowly and it's not totally linear.
16:47.465 --> 16:49.928
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, there's there's abs and foes because we could have.
16:50.268 --> 16:58.292
[SPEAKER_01]: We could have a moment about money in the next month or two that could not go as well as it said that doesn't mean we're failing either, you know.
16:58.352 --> 17:02.453
[SPEAKER_00]: No, but every time you have wins like this, it builds up that like resource.
17:02.493 --> 17:08.576
[SPEAKER_00]: Like you know what, we're having this really big one, but we've actually had time very recently where we were able to get through that.
17:08.616 --> 17:17.320
[SPEAKER_00]: So again, it's just builds that confidence, it builds that new story, which if you're a couple that have gone through our relationship renovation model, you know old story, new story, it's like,
17:17.801 --> 17:21.148
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll still get caught up in going into old story, but here's our new story.
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[SPEAKER_00]: This is where we want to be.
17:22.591 --> 17:26.259
[SPEAKER_00]: Trust, love, connection, emotional safety, done and done.
17:27.174 --> 17:29.116
[SPEAKER_01]: All right, well, thank you once again.
17:29.176 --> 17:42.147
[SPEAKER_01]: We're sticking with Tara and I and our relationship issues that we know most, if not all of you are dealing with very similar things, we do appreciate when you give us a like, when you give us a follow.
17:42.668 --> 17:43.688
[SPEAKER_01]: So please follow.
17:43.748 --> 17:54.398
[SPEAKER_01]: And if you're interested in any of our offerings from our upcoming retreats to our coaching to my men who do the work group, which is forming another cohort right now,
17:55.138 --> 18:03.002
[SPEAKER_01]: Just reach out, coaching at relationship renovation, or if you have a question for us at podcasts at relationship renovation, we love to hear from you all.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you all for reaching out your kind words for listening to us, and as always take care of yourself, take care of each other.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Bye-bye.
18:12.167 --> 18:12.467
[SPEAKER_00]: Bye-bye.
