WEBVTT
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[SPEAKER_02]: So apparently, one of my jobs of being a good husband is being able to hold space for you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, that is correct.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Okay, but you know, there's one question that's not in our marriage vows or wasn't.
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[SPEAKER_02]: How much space are we talking about?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Oh gosh, here we go.
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[SPEAKER_02]: because sometimes what I think to myself is like, all right, honey, give it to me.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I can be here for you.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And then in about five minutes, my nervous system starts telling me what in the world did we get into here?
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[SPEAKER_00]: So you're telling me that I disperse you?
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[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I mean, sometimes yes, but the problem is I do actually want to be there for you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And most of the time I just want you to be there with me and listen to me, there's no problem to solve.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I get that.
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[SPEAKER_02]: So what happens when I want to be there for you in these moments?
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[SPEAKER_00]: But what I'm feeling actually starts to affect you.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Exactly.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Because now we've actually got three nervous systems that we're talking about.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Mine, yours, and ours.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Hello all and welcome to the Relationship Innovation podcast where we talk all things relationship, healthy, unhealthy, all the in-between.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I am Terracurwin.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And my name is Eja Curwin and we will once again start with a little story.
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[SPEAKER_02]: It happened
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[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I thought it was Monday.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, it was either Monday or Tuesday.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Doesn't matter.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You can get it wrong.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's okay.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Thank you.
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[SPEAKER_02]: That's helping.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I get it wrong all the time.
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[SPEAKER_02]: So, okay.
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[SPEAKER_02]: So, I just dropped the kids off to school.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Right is we are leaving the house.
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[SPEAKER_02]: you got into it with our daughter about something.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure I did.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So it's like a daily thing.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And so I was calling to check in on you, because I wasn't sure how you were doing, right?
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[SPEAKER_02]: And it wasn't a kiss.
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[SPEAKER_02]: It wasn't involving me.
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[SPEAKER_02]: So I knew you weren't mad at me.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And apparently after I had left, it had the sort of trail of the stuff that was upsetting you, expanded.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And by the time I called you,
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[SPEAKER_00]: their system on fire.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Yes, and you needed to unload.
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[SPEAKER_02]: You needed to just share what was going on.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And in this case, like, I wanted to be there for you.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I wanted to listen.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I, you know, I knew you needed to talk about it.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And so I wanted to show up.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And so I was an ear.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I was trying to be just like a heart with ears, towards you.
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[SPEAKER_02]: but what happened was it kind of just kept going.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And it wasn't like, it wasn't decelerating.
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[SPEAKER_02]: You weren't like releasing it.
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[SPEAKER_02]: You were actually getting more and more and more activated.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And so five minutes into your dysregulation,
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[SPEAKER_02]: I hit my capacity.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But you didn't tell me.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Didn't tell you because I was like, yeah, I found myself wanting to turn the volume down on the phone.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Alrighty then.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And so, so it's, if poses this question of like,
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[SPEAKER_02]: What do you do when you want to be there for your partner?
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[SPEAKER_02]: You are regulated going into it, but then throughout the process, you feel yourself sort of reaching your tolerance.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And then once I lose my window of tolerance, once I walk out of it, then our relationship goes into a danger zone.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, our nervous system, the ours.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So for me, it's like, right, she's 12.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And she barely has consequences or maybe we're just really bad at following through with them.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And
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[SPEAKER_00]: She'll be like, yeah, I did my chores, totally different chores, and I did all these things.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like, okay, so you guys leave for school, and I'm trying to get ready, we have like our back-to-back coaching day that day.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And here I am, like, cleaning up all the things, because no one did their chores, and like, then I go into my, oh my gosh, I have to do everything, and I get
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[SPEAKER_00]: right, if you guys have been listening to our podcast, like I'm over functioning queen.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And that's when I start to get like very overwhelmed and I get stuck in that story of like there's no boundary, she still has her phone, can't eat a like check and make sure she does her chores and I just start getting amped up and so the mistrust comes in and it's just so tied to so many other different experiences like we don't it's like we don't ask for much, we ask you to do
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[SPEAKER_00]: And when you don't do them, now it's on me and then I get resentful and then it taps into that very old wound.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And so what we're talking about today is like, what happens when you want to be a support to your partner, where you want to be there for them and you actually enter into that and then at some point you lose the capacity.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And so the first thing we want to get like really curious about is what's happening in the moment.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And the way we sort of like when we started talking about this like broke it down is that there's really three nervous systems at play here, right?
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[SPEAKER_02]: The first is the person who's struggling.
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[SPEAKER_00]: more activated, that would be.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, Tara is activated, she's dysregulated, she needs to talk about it, she wants to have support in that moment, right?
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[SPEAKER_02]: Then there's the person supporting, that's me.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I love you, I care for you, I know that there's real reasons why you're feeling the way you're feeling.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I don't want you to feel
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[SPEAKER_02]: isolated.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I don't want you to feel alone.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And I want to be there to help you through it, right?
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[SPEAKER_02]: But what happens is when I do reach a capacity, right?
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[SPEAKER_02]: Because at first, like, at least there's one nervous system that's calm.
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[SPEAKER_02]: That's mine, right?
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[SPEAKER_02]: But at a certain point and it's unfair to say it's always just you because there's time for it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We're totally offline yesterday and I've managed it and I held space.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Exactly.
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[SPEAKER_02]: So it goes both ways.
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[SPEAKER_02]: But the problem is is the third nervous system.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Our relationships nervous system goes offline because because what's happened is you need support.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Like I'm I'm overwhelmed.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I need to voice this.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I reach, I'm a capacity, you know, and then the big question is what then, right, because what, what I discovered in that moment, like once we got off the phone, and in this case, it didn't really go sideways, I think I like,
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[SPEAKER_02]: I kind of was able to, I kind of talked myself through it afterwards, is I realized that willingness to be there is not the same as a limitless capacity, right?
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[SPEAKER_02]: Because even with you, I know that there's been times where my, you know, maybe I'm grumpy, maybe I'm not in the best mental space, you try to be supportive when that doesn't end soon enough, then you get frustrated and you're like, okay, like, for getting into this, you know, I don't want to be around a grumpster all day long.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Right, willingness versus limitless capacity.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, I can be willing to offer support without thinking that I have a limitless capacity.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I can desperately need support, but I also can be aware of how I bring my distress to you.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And the sort of challenge we have here is how do we do that in unison, right?
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[SPEAKER_02]: Like, how do we begin to notice?
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[SPEAKER_02]: And this may not be every couple, every couple might not totally relate to us.
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[SPEAKER_02]: But I think that this is definitely a dynamic and our relationship.
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[SPEAKER_02]: That's
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[SPEAKER_02]: Relatively repeatable like it's it's happening a decent amount of the time is is that you know I may be disregarded.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I may be shut down.
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[SPEAKER_02]: You may be patient for a while, but then you get to a capacity point Yeah, and it's like I can't be anymore
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[SPEAKER_02]: And then obviously it goes in the opposite direction.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And really what we're saying is that the goal isn't necessarily like absorbing everything or rejecting your emotion, it's staying connected like without becoming consumed by it.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Like what for you happens when I'm in a negative space or I'm in a space where you know like you need to sort of hold it for me.
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[SPEAKER_02]: and you begin to lose your capacity.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I honestly, like, I think of the compassion piece.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, oh, like, like, you give me so much space when I have overwhelming emotions and your emotions are differently because they're very, like, in-word, remind, or outward.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But I'll notice it and it's like I get to that fork in the road and I can be like Well, I could like start judging him and being pissed off or Like I can have a lot of compassion form because he's really suffering and this is prolonged suffering and I just I Most of the time take the compassion route now.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, because I just feel like that's my heart right now Just with the world and our family and everything we've gone through like
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[SPEAKER_00]: There was this real I was reading on Instagram and it said that you don't think or feel your way to gratitude, right, that it's a choice that fear or gratitude, right?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like, that's what our brain can go to.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You don't try to get to this place, so I look at it as, like, for me, it's a compassion or fear.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I could be fear or I could have compassion.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You know what?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Compassion makes me feel a lot better.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I parallel that feeling with gratitude because compassion feels lovely.
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[SPEAKER_02]: So, I mean, I think where you go with that tears, you're talking about like, okay, what is the framework, right?
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[SPEAKER_02]: That's what we want to get to now and helping everybody out there is how do I hold space without losing myself, right?
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[SPEAKER_02]: And so the first thing
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[SPEAKER_02]: can I stay, you know, that I don't need to immediately fix it, I don't need to defend myself if you're activated about something that involves me, I don't have to flee, you know, I don't have to shut down, like right, that the initial moment of when your partner is
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, well, because if not, it gets more dysfigulated, because there were times where you used to be like, this isn't helpful to you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We've got a nine o'clock session, like you need to basically get your shit together.
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[SPEAKER_00]: That's what I would hear.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Versus, man, this is really hard for you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Tell me more, right?
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[SPEAKER_00]: So that, when it comes to our nervous system, like it helps actually regulate when you're in a place where you're actually saying what you're saying is having that space.
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[SPEAKER_02]: But here's the next spot, here's the next important thing, is you can't lose your awareness of yourself in the moments where you're supporting your partner, right?
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[SPEAKER_02]: Like that I have to keep an eye on, I have to keep an awareness of what's happening in my mind,
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[SPEAKER_02]: what's happening in my body as I listen right because if I don't pay attention to both if I'm not giving you my attention and listening but also being aware of like okay am I getting activated am I getting less tolerant am I beginning to judge if I don't do that it will creep up on me.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So really you're you're you're talking effort totally here like fully immersed in the present.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Yes, I have to stay like immersed in the present and the present is complex.
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[SPEAKER_02]: It's you having emotions and expressing them.
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[SPEAKER_02]: It's me wanting to hold space, but also staying aware of yeah of of what's happening inside my body.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, your own regulation.
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[SPEAKER_02]: because I might have to, and it helps if we can make an agreement about this, I might have to tell you that there might be times where I have to name what's happening, right?
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[SPEAKER_02]: That, that, hey, honey, I really wanna stay with you.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I wanna support you through this difficult moment that happened this morning, but I think I'm reaching my capacity.
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[SPEAKER_02]: What would that be like for you if I said that?
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[SPEAKER_02]: I don't know.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You haven't said that yet.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I know.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I would love it.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I think I would be like... Would it's what would it happen though?
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[SPEAKER_02]: What if you like...
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[SPEAKER_02]: I'd say pissed.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to literally have to.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like...
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[SPEAKER_00]: If you said that, I would feel really grateful because you're taking accountability and instead of like starting to get in a judgment zone or like this is too much because I think I'm too much.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I actually think I would have a lot of respect for you and trust that you're really paying attention to your feelings and recognizing it instead of avoiding so I would say yes.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Now, we'll try it out, and if it doesn't go that way, we'll be back on this podcast sharing how it didn't work out, but I feel like that would be really helpful for me because it makes me feel like, oh, you're paying attention.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I get it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I can be a lot with my anxiety.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, and I think I think you have to have this conversation before.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Right, like, this is helpful for us right now, because if I just do that and you're not prepared for it and I've never done it before, that might be jarring.
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[SPEAKER_02]: But now, if you and I name, that like, hey, there are times, Tara and there are times, EJ, when I wanna be supportive to you, but I will reach my capacity for it.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And when I do reach my capacity, I'm going to first affirm that I do wanna be here for you.
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[SPEAKER_02]: But also say, hey, you know, I think I'm kind of getting close to like the point where I'm I'm kind of full and I want to protect us and I want to protect I want to protect E. T. Yes, can I share something to this is like a little win for today.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We got into the office this morning and I see E j's journal studies will be sending out to all of his men and his men's group and it's been sitting there for a week and a half and
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just like, oh, they need their journals.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Some like EJ have you sent your journals yet, or I said something silly, like obviously they're not there.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I was being a little passive aggressive, an EJ responded in like a defensive way, and within 10 seconds.
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[SPEAKER_02]: So you said, you said, are you going to mail these out and I said, no, I'm not going to mail them out.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And then that was offensive.
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[SPEAKER_00]: A few seconds later, he's like, you know what, I was just being defensive and I was like, thank you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: See, I welcome.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And that was something.
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[SPEAKER_02]: That was something we told ourselves we were going to do a few weeks ago and I'm remembering and just, yeah, I'm trying it out.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And it turned to be, it was a good thing.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like, each year recognizing he was defensive owning it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I was like yeah, and you know what?
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[SPEAKER_00]: I went recognizing I was like doing that kind of salty like when you're gonna do this honey You got to follow through that little mistrustful pattern was
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[SPEAKER_02]: So our invitation to you as a couple is that you're going to take care of all three nervous systems.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to protect you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yeah.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to protect me, my nervous system, and I'm going to protect us, right, by doing, because I
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[SPEAKER_02]: I can't protect us if I don't protect you.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I can't protect us if I don't protect me.
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[SPEAKER_02]: It's a holistic thing.
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[SPEAKER_02]: So the person needing support has a job, right?
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[SPEAKER_02]: If I'm activated about something that happened, if I'm stressed out about money, if you're stressed out about the chores around the house,
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[SPEAKER_02]: You have to let me know.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I have to let you know.
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[SPEAKER_02]: What are you asking for?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Do you just need to vent?
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[SPEAKER_02]: Do I want you helping me solve the problem?
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[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_02]: What is it that I need so that you know what your job is, right?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, no, I love that.
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[SPEAKER_02]: So then the supporting partner, right?
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[SPEAKER_02]: You have to let the person know at the beginning if you're willing to do it, if you're able to do it, right?
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[SPEAKER_02]: Then, right?
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[SPEAKER_02]: Because what if
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[SPEAKER_02]: what if you call to vent about what happened and I'm already stressed out because I just got some other piece of news and you come to me saying like I just need to vent and I absolutely don't have capacity at that moment.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So my intuitive sense would be like hey honey I know this is important I also want to protect us again this is why you naming your nervous system could be really
17:45.073 --> 17:53.845
[SPEAKER_00]: And then that's your cue like oh, okay, but we're gonna come back to this let me get space Let me do my thing and I'm gonna come back so you can vent away girlfriend.
17:54.106 --> 17:55.468
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes, and it could be hey
17:57.677 --> 17:58.458
[SPEAKER_02]: I need a second.
17:58.518 --> 18:00.879
[SPEAKER_02]: Let me process through some other stuff really quick.
18:00.959 --> 18:01.879
[SPEAKER_02]: I want to hear this.
18:02.420 --> 18:03.340
[SPEAKER_02]: I'll call you right back.
18:04.241 --> 18:09.844
[SPEAKER_02]: Or it could be, you know, I totally want to be there for you and you're saying you need some big event too.
18:09.924 --> 18:10.544
[SPEAKER_02]: That's fine.
18:12.045 --> 18:19.449
[SPEAKER_02]: Can I just make sure you know also, like, I only have like five minutes or I have ten minutes, you know, setting a limit on it.
18:19.709 --> 18:24.494
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, I think if it's agreed to before it happens, this is what happens.
18:24.514 --> 18:27.377
[SPEAKER_00]: We don't have like a skill set when it does happen.
18:27.397 --> 18:34.344
[SPEAKER_00]: So if it's like this agreement that we have, that this is how we're protecting ourselves any other, then it feels good.
18:34.485 --> 18:35.606
[SPEAKER_00]: It's kind of like codeword.
18:36.018 --> 18:49.470
[SPEAKER_02]: And then the last thing is, how do we begin to have an awareness of, we are supporting the person who's struggling, we're supporting the person who is providing the support,
18:50.828 --> 18:53.509
[SPEAKER_02]: and we're supporting the relationship.
18:54.129 --> 19:00.791
[SPEAKER_02]: We're doing all three things at once and we're having an awareness of those three things exist.
19:00.851 --> 19:16.437
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think like one of the biggest things this does, for a couple might be if you listen to this together and then maybe talk about it afterwards, is it just, it slows down something that happens almost daily and gives you an understanding.
19:16.937 --> 19:18.477
[SPEAKER_02]: It's gonna, we kinda terror was like,
19:20.218 --> 19:30.242
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm codifying like some of the stuff we do in this podcast and our coaching is we make the invisible visible.
19:30.262 --> 19:41.926
[SPEAKER_02]: We take invisible relationship dynamics and we help you understand them and this is one is like we are constantly there to support one another and it's a lot more complex
19:45.502 --> 19:46.842
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, no, that's so true.
19:46.862 --> 19:47.902
[SPEAKER_02]: Do you connect with that?
19:48.203 --> 19:49.903
[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely, I love this episode.
19:50.123 --> 19:50.283
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
19:50.423 --> 19:51.463
[SPEAKER_00]: I think people will tell.
19:51.843 --> 19:53.463
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to hear the names of your nervous systems.
19:53.824 --> 19:54.484
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
19:54.864 --> 19:55.804
[SPEAKER_02]: Do you want to name Mars, really?
19:55.824 --> 19:56.524
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like E.T.
19:56.584 --> 19:57.464
[SPEAKER_00]: is so cute.
19:57.524 --> 19:57.884
[SPEAKER_02]: E.T.
19:57.904 --> 19:57.944
[SPEAKER_02]: J.
19:58.004 --> 19:59.425
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I think of E.T.
19:59.465 --> 20:00.085
[SPEAKER_00]: phone home.
20:00.665 --> 20:04.846
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, and he's just like this cute little creature and our little nervous system together.
20:04.966 --> 20:06.406
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like ugly, right?
20:06.526 --> 20:08.046
[SPEAKER_00]: It can get wrinkly.
20:08.126 --> 20:09.066
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just thinking of E.T.
20:09.846 --> 20:11.627
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's our names too, dull.
20:12.747 --> 20:17.590
[SPEAKER_02]: E. J. Tara E. T. Anyway, it's funny though because you're actually more extra than me.
20:18.270 --> 20:19.751
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm more terrestrial than you.
20:19.771 --> 20:21.232
[SPEAKER_02]: So all right.
20:21.432 --> 20:24.413
[SPEAKER_02]: So here's the closing framework that we also want to offer you.
20:24.493 --> 20:24.954
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
20:25.074 --> 20:29.976
[SPEAKER_02]: Is that love asks us to make room for each other's emotions.
20:30.917 --> 20:35.880
[SPEAKER_02]: It does not ask either person to disappear inside of them.
20:36.740 --> 20:56.252
[SPEAKER_02]: right that if you're really struggling I don't have to I don't have to just like let my nervous system just bear it all yeah you know I don't have to disappear in fact it's the opposite of what you want you want me to stay present and part of that is becoming aware of my own capacity to know
20:56.640 --> 20:56.940
[SPEAKER_02]: All right.
20:56.960 --> 20:58.822
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, thank you all for listening.
20:59.363 --> 21:05.508
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, one big thing you could do for us if you haven't done it yet is follow our show.
21:05.588 --> 21:12.935
[SPEAKER_02]: Something like 20% of a podcast listening audience subscribes is a whole 80% of you out there that aren't subscribers.
21:13.395 --> 21:18.680
[SPEAKER_02]: If you could just subscribe on YouTube on Apple, Spotify, whatever it is that would mean a lot.
21:18.900 --> 21:21.541
[SPEAKER_00]: And just writing a review, we love reading them.
21:21.561 --> 21:32.245
[SPEAKER_00]: We can't respond to them unfortunately, I wish we could, but we just love reading them because it makes us feel like we're not just talking here to ourselves talk.
21:32.265 --> 21:40.108
[SPEAKER_00]: So thank you, if you feel like this episode could be helpful for someone that you care about, a friend, a family, a co-worker, your partner.
21:40.948 --> 21:42.428
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll go ahead and share this again.
21:42.548 --> 21:44.169
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for listening.
21:44.249 --> 21:49.070
[SPEAKER_00]: As always, take care of yourself, take care of each other, take care of your nervous system together.
21:49.250 --> 21:49.470
[SPEAKER_00]: Bye.
00:00.291 --> 00:06.156
[SPEAKER_02]: So apparently, one of my jobs of being a good husband is being able to hold space for you.
00:06.476 --> 00:07.337
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, that is correct.
00:08.177 --> 00:13.542
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay, but you know, there's one question that's not in our marriage vows or wasn't.
00:14.442 --> 00:15.723
[SPEAKER_02]: How much space are we talking about?
00:16.204 --> 00:17.125
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh gosh, here we go.
00:18.545 --> 00:23.507
[SPEAKER_02]: because sometimes what I think to myself is like, all right, honey, give it to me.
00:23.888 --> 00:24.968
[SPEAKER_02]: I can be here for you.
00:25.348 --> 00:32.492
[SPEAKER_02]: And then in about five minutes, my nervous system starts telling me what in the world did we get into here?
00:32.932 --> 00:36.074
[SPEAKER_00]: So you're telling me that I disperse you?
00:36.114 --> 00:42.777
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I mean, sometimes yes, but the problem is I do actually want to be there for you.
00:43.343 --> 00:48.445
[SPEAKER_00]: And most of the time I just want you to be there with me and listen to me, there's no problem to solve.
00:48.905 --> 00:50.045
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I get that.
00:50.225 --> 00:56.887
[SPEAKER_02]: So what happens when I want to be there for you in these moments?
00:57.147 --> 00:59.968
[SPEAKER_00]: But what I'm feeling actually starts to affect you.
01:00.448 --> 01:01.149
[SPEAKER_02]: Exactly.
01:01.349 --> 01:06.150
[SPEAKER_02]: Because now we've actually got three nervous systems that we're talking about.
01:06.450 --> 01:08.371
[SPEAKER_00]: Mine, yours, and ours.
01:13.548 --> 01:22.510
[SPEAKER_00]: Hello all and welcome to the Relationship Innovation podcast where we talk all things relationship, healthy, unhealthy, all the in-between.
01:22.530 --> 01:24.250
[SPEAKER_00]: I am Terracurwin.
01:24.510 --> 01:30.152
[SPEAKER_02]: And my name is Eja Curwin and we will once again start with a little story.
01:30.232 --> 01:30.812
[SPEAKER_02]: It happened
01:36.973 --> 01:37.914
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I thought it was Monday.
01:37.994 --> 01:39.916
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, it was either Monday or Tuesday.
01:40.056 --> 01:40.717
[SPEAKER_00]: Doesn't matter.
01:41.017 --> 01:41.818
[SPEAKER_00]: You can get it wrong.
01:41.838 --> 01:42.359
[SPEAKER_00]: It's okay.
01:42.839 --> 01:43.400
[SPEAKER_02]: Thank you.
01:43.480 --> 01:44.121
[SPEAKER_02]: That's helping.
01:44.161 --> 01:45.302
[SPEAKER_02]: I get it wrong all the time.
01:47.164 --> 01:47.865
[SPEAKER_02]: So, okay.
01:47.905 --> 01:50.087
[SPEAKER_02]: So, I just dropped the kids off to school.
01:50.808 --> 01:52.790
[SPEAKER_02]: Right is we are leaving the house.
01:53.611 --> 01:56.672
[SPEAKER_02]: you got into it with our daughter about something.
01:56.692 --> 01:57.333
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure I did.
01:57.573 --> 01:57.793
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
01:57.813 --> 01:58.813
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's like a daily thing.
01:58.853 --> 01:59.293
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
01:59.774 --> 02:05.696
[SPEAKER_02]: And so I was calling to check in on you, because I wasn't sure how you were doing, right?
02:05.756 --> 02:06.596
[SPEAKER_02]: And it wasn't a kiss.
02:06.716 --> 02:08.157
[SPEAKER_02]: It wasn't involving me.
02:08.237 --> 02:09.738
[SPEAKER_02]: So I knew you weren't mad at me.
02:10.478 --> 02:19.001
[SPEAKER_02]: And apparently after I had left, it had the sort of trail of the stuff that was upsetting you, expanded.
02:19.582 --> 02:20.982
[SPEAKER_02]: And by the time I called you,
02:24.187 --> 02:25.228
[SPEAKER_00]: their system on fire.
02:25.328 --> 02:27.430
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes, and you needed to unload.
02:28.291 --> 02:30.334
[SPEAKER_02]: You needed to just share what was going on.
02:31.234 --> 02:35.079
[SPEAKER_02]: And in this case, like, I wanted to be there for you.
02:35.119 --> 02:35.859
[SPEAKER_02]: I wanted to listen.
02:35.879 --> 02:39.503
[SPEAKER_02]: I, you know, I knew you needed to talk about it.
02:40.464 --> 02:41.605
[SPEAKER_02]: And so I wanted to show up.
02:42.086 --> 02:43.688
[SPEAKER_02]: And so I was an ear.
02:43.748 --> 02:46.330
[SPEAKER_02]: I was trying to be just like a heart with ears, towards you.
02:47.147 --> 02:52.550
[SPEAKER_02]: but what happened was it kind of just kept going.
02:52.710 --> 02:55.912
[SPEAKER_02]: And it wasn't like, it wasn't decelerating.
02:55.952 --> 02:57.813
[SPEAKER_02]: You weren't like releasing it.
02:57.873 --> 03:01.635
[SPEAKER_02]: You were actually getting more and more and more activated.
03:01.735 --> 03:05.318
[SPEAKER_02]: And so five minutes into your dysregulation,
03:06.238 --> 03:07.499
[SPEAKER_02]: I hit my capacity.
03:07.799 --> 03:08.599
[SPEAKER_00]: But you didn't tell me.
03:09.019 --> 03:17.963
[SPEAKER_02]: Didn't tell you because I was like, yeah, I found myself wanting to turn the volume down on the phone.
03:18.183 --> 03:19.564
[SPEAKER_00]: Alrighty then.
03:19.764 --> 03:24.446
[SPEAKER_02]: And so, so it's, if poses this question of like,
03:25.686 --> 03:29.728
[SPEAKER_02]: What do you do when you want to be there for your partner?
03:29.788 --> 03:39.691
[SPEAKER_02]: You are regulated going into it, but then throughout the process, you feel yourself sort of reaching your tolerance.
03:40.432 --> 03:49.795
[SPEAKER_02]: And then once I lose my window of tolerance, once I walk out of it, then our relationship goes into a danger zone.
03:50.039 --> 03:51.862
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, our nervous system, the ours.
03:53.264 --> 03:53.524
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
03:54.005 --> 03:58.632
[SPEAKER_00]: So for me, it's like, right, she's 12.
03:59.373 --> 04:04.581
[SPEAKER_00]: And she barely has consequences or maybe we're just really bad at following through with them.
04:04.641 --> 04:04.701
[SPEAKER_00]: And
04:05.722 --> 04:09.286
[SPEAKER_00]: She'll be like, yeah, I did my chores, totally different chores, and I did all these things.
04:09.787 --> 04:15.753
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, okay, so you guys leave for school, and I'm trying to get ready, we have like our back-to-back coaching day that day.
04:16.434 --> 04:25.725
[SPEAKER_00]: And here I am, like, cleaning up all the things, because no one did their chores, and like, then I go into my, oh my gosh, I have to do everything, and I get
04:26.305 --> 04:30.466
[SPEAKER_00]: right, if you guys have been listening to our podcast, like I'm over functioning queen.
04:31.226 --> 04:53.272
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's when I start to get like very overwhelmed and I get stuck in that story of like there's no boundary, she still has her phone, can't eat a like check and make sure she does her chores and I just start getting amped up and so the mistrust comes in and it's just so tied to so many other different experiences like we don't it's like we don't ask for much, we ask you to do
04:55.372 --> 05:01.234
[SPEAKER_00]: And when you don't do them, now it's on me and then I get resentful and then it taps into that very old wound.
05:01.354 --> 05:02.134
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
05:02.274 --> 05:18.358
[SPEAKER_02]: And so what we're talking about today is like, what happens when you want to be a support to your partner, where you want to be there for them and you actually enter into that and then at some point you lose the capacity.
05:19.078 --> 05:24.320
[SPEAKER_02]: And so the first thing we want to get like really curious about is what's happening in the moment.
05:24.440 --> 05:34.104
[SPEAKER_02]: And the way we sort of like when we started talking about this like broke it down is that there's really three nervous systems at play here, right?
05:34.264 --> 05:37.465
[SPEAKER_02]: The first is the person who's struggling.
05:38.185 --> 05:39.226
[SPEAKER_00]: more activated, that would be.
05:39.246 --> 05:49.193
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, Tara is activated, she's dysregulated, she needs to talk about it, she wants to have support in that moment, right?
05:49.673 --> 05:53.076
[SPEAKER_02]: Then there's the person supporting, that's me.
05:53.656 --> 06:01.702
[SPEAKER_02]: I love you, I care for you, I know that there's real reasons why you're feeling the way you're feeling.
06:02.122 --> 06:03.863
[SPEAKER_02]: I don't want you to feel
06:04.984 --> 06:05.644
[SPEAKER_02]: isolated.
06:05.724 --> 06:07.525
[SPEAKER_02]: I don't want you to feel alone.
06:07.585 --> 06:12.227
[SPEAKER_02]: And I want to be there to help you through it, right?
06:13.168 --> 06:19.931
[SPEAKER_02]: But what happens is when I do reach a capacity, right?
06:19.991 --> 06:24.073
[SPEAKER_02]: Because at first, like, at least there's one nervous system that's calm.
06:24.113 --> 06:25.673
[SPEAKER_02]: That's mine, right?
06:27.454 --> 06:32.555
[SPEAKER_02]: But at a certain point and it's unfair to say it's always just you because there's time for it.
06:32.755 --> 06:36.376
[SPEAKER_00]: We're totally offline yesterday and I've managed it and I held space.
06:36.416 --> 06:37.137
[SPEAKER_02]: Exactly.
06:37.337 --> 06:38.337
[SPEAKER_02]: So it goes both ways.
06:38.797 --> 06:42.418
[SPEAKER_02]: But the problem is is the third nervous system.
06:43.178 --> 06:50.000
[SPEAKER_02]: Our relationships nervous system goes offline because because what's happened is you need support.
06:50.580 --> 06:52.760
[SPEAKER_02]: Like I'm I'm overwhelmed.
06:53.081 --> 06:54.301
[SPEAKER_02]: I need to voice this.
06:55.462 --> 07:12.707
[SPEAKER_02]: I reach, I'm a capacity, you know, and then the big question is what then, right, because what, what I discovered in that moment, like once we got off the phone, and in this case, it didn't really go sideways, I think I like,
07:14.047 --> 07:28.918
[SPEAKER_02]: I kind of was able to, I kind of talked myself through it afterwards, is I realized that willingness to be there is not the same as a limitless capacity, right?
07:29.719 --> 07:49.188
[SPEAKER_02]: Because even with you, I know that there's been times where my, you know, maybe I'm grumpy, maybe I'm not in the best mental space, you try to be supportive when that doesn't end soon enough, then you get frustrated and you're like, okay, like, for getting into this, you know, I don't want to be around a grumpster all day long.
07:49.248 --> 07:53.230
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, willingness versus limitless capacity.
07:53.610 --> 07:53.891
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
07:54.351 --> 08:02.363
[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, I can be willing to offer support without thinking that I have a limitless capacity.
08:02.804 --> 08:08.793
[SPEAKER_00]: And I can desperately need support, but I also can be aware of how I bring my distress to you.
08:10.605 --> 08:17.148
[SPEAKER_02]: And the sort of challenge we have here is how do we do that in unison, right?
08:17.448 --> 08:19.249
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, how do we begin to notice?
08:19.289 --> 08:23.911
[SPEAKER_02]: And this may not be every couple, every couple might not totally relate to us.
08:24.351 --> 08:28.072
[SPEAKER_02]: But I think that this is definitely a dynamic and our relationship.
08:28.513 --> 08:28.713
[SPEAKER_02]: That's
08:29.853 --> 08:37.435
[SPEAKER_02]: Relatively repeatable like it's it's happening a decent amount of the time is is that you know I may be disregarded.
08:37.556 --> 08:38.516
[SPEAKER_02]: I may be shut down.
08:38.556 --> 08:45.198
[SPEAKER_02]: You may be patient for a while, but then you get to a capacity point Yeah, and it's like I can't be anymore
08:46.138 --> 08:49.679
[SPEAKER_02]: And then obviously it goes in the opposite direction.
08:50.039 --> 09:03.941
[SPEAKER_02]: And really what we're saying is that the goal isn't necessarily like absorbing everything or rejecting your emotion, it's staying connected like without becoming consumed by it.
09:04.621 --> 09:12.803
[SPEAKER_02]: Like what for you happens when I'm in a negative space or I'm in a space where you know like you need to sort of hold it for me.
09:13.843 --> 09:16.484
[SPEAKER_02]: and you begin to lose your capacity.
09:17.425 --> 09:22.007
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I honestly, like, I think of the compassion piece.
09:22.847 --> 09:34.632
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, oh, like, like, you give me so much space when I have overwhelming emotions and your emotions are differently because they're very, like, in-word, remind, or outward.
09:35.192 --> 09:52.388
[SPEAKER_00]: But I'll notice it and it's like I get to that fork in the road and I can be like Well, I could like start judging him and being pissed off or Like I can have a lot of compassion form because he's really suffering and this is prolonged suffering and I just I Most of the time take the compassion route now.
09:52.448 --> 09:59.094
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, because I just feel like that's my heart right now Just with the world and our family and everything we've gone through like
10:00.215 --> 10:12.884
[SPEAKER_00]: There was this real I was reading on Instagram and it said that you don't think or feel your way to gratitude, right, that it's a choice that fear or gratitude, right?
10:12.984 --> 10:15.366
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, that's what our brain can go to.
10:15.406 --> 10:20.890
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't try to get to this place, so I look at it as, like, for me, it's a compassion or fear.
10:21.011 --> 10:22.792
[SPEAKER_00]: I could be fear or I could have compassion.
10:23.052 --> 10:23.392
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what?
10:23.452 --> 10:24.633
[SPEAKER_00]: Compassion makes me feel a lot better.
10:25.433 --> 10:29.696
[SPEAKER_00]: I parallel that feeling with gratitude because compassion feels lovely.
10:30.496 --> 10:35.199
[SPEAKER_02]: So, I mean, I think where you go with that tears, you're talking about like, okay, what is the framework, right?
10:35.259 --> 10:44.784
[SPEAKER_02]: That's what we want to get to now and helping everybody out there is how do I hold space without losing myself, right?
10:44.964 --> 10:46.865
[SPEAKER_02]: And so the first thing
10:51.938 --> 11:13.826
[SPEAKER_02]: can I stay, you know, that I don't need to immediately fix it, I don't need to defend myself if you're activated about something that involves me, I don't have to flee, you know, I don't have to shut down, like right, that the initial moment of when your partner is
11:16.933 --> 11:25.221
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, well, because if not, it gets more dysfigulated, because there were times where you used to be like, this isn't helpful to you.
11:25.241 --> 11:28.624
[SPEAKER_00]: We've got a nine o'clock session, like you need to basically get your shit together.
11:28.644 --> 11:29.484
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what I would hear.
11:30.005 --> 11:32.167
[SPEAKER_00]: Versus, man, this is really hard for you.
11:32.587 --> 11:34.068
[SPEAKER_00]: Tell me more, right?
11:34.128 --> 11:43.036
[SPEAKER_00]: So that, when it comes to our nervous system, like it helps actually regulate when you're in a place where you're actually saying what you're saying is having that space.
11:43.957 --> 11:57.592
[SPEAKER_02]: But here's the next spot, here's the next important thing, is you can't lose your awareness of yourself in the moments where you're supporting your partner, right?
11:57.872 --> 12:05.920
[SPEAKER_02]: Like that I have to keep an eye on, I have to keep an awareness of what's happening in my mind,
12:06.761 --> 12:29.378
[SPEAKER_02]: what's happening in my body as I listen right because if I don't pay attention to both if I'm not giving you my attention and listening but also being aware of like okay am I getting activated am I getting less tolerant am I beginning to judge if I don't do that it will creep up on me.
12:29.935 --> 12:33.938
[SPEAKER_00]: So really you're you're you're talking effort totally here like fully immersed in the present.
12:33.998 --> 12:38.841
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes, I have to stay like immersed in the present and the present is complex.
12:39.342 --> 12:42.784
[SPEAKER_02]: It's you having emotions and expressing them.
12:43.164 --> 12:53.291
[SPEAKER_02]: It's me wanting to hold space, but also staying aware of yeah of of what's happening inside my body.
12:53.311 --> 12:54.452
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, your own regulation.
12:54.552 --> 13:06.875
[SPEAKER_02]: because I might have to, and it helps if we can make an agreement about this, I might have to tell you that there might be times where I have to name what's happening, right?
13:07.395 --> 13:11.216
[SPEAKER_02]: That, that, hey, honey, I really wanna stay with you.
13:11.236 --> 13:20.519
[SPEAKER_02]: I wanna support you through this difficult moment that happened this morning, but I think I'm reaching my capacity.
13:21.359 --> 13:23.300
[SPEAKER_02]: What would that be like for you if I said that?
13:23.320 --> 13:23.921
[SPEAKER_02]: I don't know.
13:23.981 --> 13:25.161
[SPEAKER_00]: You haven't said that yet.
13:25.502 --> 13:25.862
[SPEAKER_02]: I know.
13:26.182 --> 13:26.882
[SPEAKER_00]: I would love it.
13:26.942 --> 13:29.924
[SPEAKER_02]: I think I would be like... Would it's what would it happen though?
13:29.944 --> 13:30.705
[SPEAKER_02]: What if you like...
13:30.905 --> 13:31.845
[SPEAKER_02]: I'd say pissed.
13:32.846 --> 13:33.506
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.
13:33.526 --> 13:35.528
[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to literally have to.
13:35.948 --> 13:37.129
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like...
13:37.849 --> 13:47.774
[SPEAKER_00]: If you said that, I would feel really grateful because you're taking accountability and instead of like starting to get in a judgment zone or like this is too much because I think I'm too much.
13:48.514 --> 13:56.298
[SPEAKER_00]: I actually think I would have a lot of respect for you and trust that you're really paying attention to your feelings and recognizing it instead of avoiding so I would say yes.
13:57.258 --> 14:07.222
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, we'll try it out, and if it doesn't go that way, we'll be back on this podcast sharing how it didn't work out, but I feel like that would be really helpful for me because it makes me feel like, oh, you're paying attention.
14:08.183 --> 14:08.703
[SPEAKER_00]: And I get it.
14:08.743 --> 14:10.364
[SPEAKER_00]: I can be a lot with my anxiety.
14:10.584 --> 14:15.466
[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, and I think I think you have to have this conversation before.
14:16.416 --> 14:26.180
[SPEAKER_02]: Right, like, this is helpful for us right now, because if I just do that and you're not prepared for it and I've never done it before, that might be jarring.
14:26.760 --> 14:38.884
[SPEAKER_02]: But now, if you and I name, that like, hey, there are times, Tara and there are times, EJ, when I wanna be supportive to you, but I will reach my capacity for it.
14:39.225 --> 14:45.647
[SPEAKER_02]: And when I do reach my capacity, I'm going to first affirm that I do wanna be here for you.
14:46.552 --> 15:01.902
[SPEAKER_02]: But also say, hey, you know, I think I'm kind of getting close to like the point where I'm I'm kind of full and I want to protect us and I want to protect I want to protect E. T. Yes, can I share something to this is like a little win for today.
15:01.962 --> 15:09.607
[SPEAKER_00]: We got into the office this morning and I see E j's journal studies will be sending out to all of his men and his men's group and it's been sitting there for a week and a half and
15:10.067 --> 15:11.448
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just like, oh, they need their journals.
15:12.008 --> 15:16.850
[SPEAKER_02]: Some like EJ have you sent your journals yet, or I said something silly, like obviously they're not there.
15:16.950 --> 15:23.373
[SPEAKER_00]: I was being a little passive aggressive, an EJ responded in like a defensive way, and within 10 seconds.
15:23.839 --> 15:28.722
[SPEAKER_02]: So you said, you said, are you going to mail these out and I said, no, I'm not going to mail them out.
15:30.403 --> 15:31.844
[SPEAKER_02]: And then that was offensive.
15:31.944 --> 15:36.626
[SPEAKER_00]: A few seconds later, he's like, you know what, I was just being defensive and I was like, thank you.
15:36.666 --> 15:37.467
[SPEAKER_00]: See, I welcome.
15:37.567 --> 15:38.287
[SPEAKER_02]: And that was something.
15:38.307 --> 15:45.912
[SPEAKER_02]: That was something we told ourselves we were going to do a few weeks ago and I'm remembering and just, yeah, I'm trying it out.
15:45.932 --> 15:48.233
[SPEAKER_00]: And it turned to be, it was a good thing.
15:48.313 --> 15:51.035
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, each year recognizing he was defensive owning it.
15:51.635 --> 15:52.956
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like yeah, and you know what?
15:53.036 --> 15:59.582
[SPEAKER_00]: I went recognizing I was like doing that kind of salty like when you're gonna do this honey You got to follow through that little mistrustful pattern was
16:00.483 --> 16:09.509
[SPEAKER_02]: So our invitation to you as a couple is that you're going to take care of all three nervous systems.
16:10.310 --> 16:11.310
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to protect you.
16:11.330 --> 16:12.251
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yeah.
16:12.631 --> 16:21.017
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to protect me, my nervous system, and I'm going to protect us, right, by doing, because I
16:21.857 --> 16:24.199
[SPEAKER_02]: I can't protect us if I don't protect you.
16:25.000 --> 16:27.042
[SPEAKER_02]: I can't protect us if I don't protect me.
16:27.643 --> 16:28.724
[SPEAKER_02]: It's a holistic thing.
16:29.064 --> 16:33.589
[SPEAKER_02]: So the person needing support has a job, right?
16:34.330 --> 16:42.117
[SPEAKER_02]: If I'm activated about something that happened, if I'm stressed out about money, if you're stressed out about the chores around the house,
16:43.098 --> 16:45.001
[SPEAKER_02]: You have to let me know.
16:45.021 --> 16:46.463
[SPEAKER_02]: I have to let you know.
16:46.964 --> 16:48.446
[SPEAKER_02]: What are you asking for?
16:48.726 --> 16:48.967
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
16:49.467 --> 16:50.429
[SPEAKER_02]: Do you just need to vent?
16:51.230 --> 16:53.653
[SPEAKER_02]: Do I want you helping me solve the problem?
16:53.713 --> 16:53.934
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
16:54.294 --> 16:59.782
[SPEAKER_02]: What is it that I need so that you know what your job is, right?
17:00.134 --> 17:01.276
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, no, I love that.
17:01.596 --> 17:05.080
[SPEAKER_02]: So then the supporting partner, right?
17:05.681 --> 17:12.710
[SPEAKER_02]: You have to let the person know at the beginning if you're willing to do it, if you're able to do it, right?
17:12.750 --> 17:13.932
[SPEAKER_02]: Then, right?
17:13.992 --> 17:14.873
[SPEAKER_02]: Because what if
17:15.874 --> 17:30.803
[SPEAKER_02]: what if you call to vent about what happened and I'm already stressed out because I just got some other piece of news and you come to me saying like I just need to vent and I absolutely don't have capacity at that moment.
17:30.823 --> 17:41.210
[SPEAKER_00]: So my intuitive sense would be like hey honey I know this is important I also want to protect us again this is why you naming your nervous system could be really
17:45.073 --> 17:53.845
[SPEAKER_00]: And then that's your cue like oh, okay, but we're gonna come back to this let me get space Let me do my thing and I'm gonna come back so you can vent away girlfriend.
17:54.106 --> 17:55.468
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes, and it could be hey
17:57.677 --> 17:58.458
[SPEAKER_02]: I need a second.
17:58.518 --> 18:00.879
[SPEAKER_02]: Let me process through some other stuff really quick.
18:00.959 --> 18:01.879
[SPEAKER_02]: I want to hear this.
18:02.420 --> 18:03.340
[SPEAKER_02]: I'll call you right back.
18:04.241 --> 18:09.844
[SPEAKER_02]: Or it could be, you know, I totally want to be there for you and you're saying you need some big event too.
18:09.924 --> 18:10.544
[SPEAKER_02]: That's fine.
18:12.045 --> 18:19.449
[SPEAKER_02]: Can I just make sure you know also, like, I only have like five minutes or I have ten minutes, you know, setting a limit on it.
18:19.709 --> 18:24.494
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, I think if it's agreed to before it happens, this is what happens.
18:24.514 --> 18:27.377
[SPEAKER_00]: We don't have like a skill set when it does happen.
18:27.397 --> 18:34.344
[SPEAKER_00]: So if it's like this agreement that we have, that this is how we're protecting ourselves any other, then it feels good.
18:34.485 --> 18:35.606
[SPEAKER_00]: It's kind of like codeword.
18:36.018 --> 18:49.470
[SPEAKER_02]: And then the last thing is, how do we begin to have an awareness of, we are supporting the person who's struggling, we're supporting the person who is providing the support,
18:50.828 --> 18:53.509
[SPEAKER_02]: and we're supporting the relationship.
18:54.129 --> 19:00.791
[SPEAKER_02]: We're doing all three things at once and we're having an awareness of those three things exist.
19:00.851 --> 19:16.437
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think like one of the biggest things this does, for a couple might be if you listen to this together and then maybe talk about it afterwards, is it just, it slows down something that happens almost daily and gives you an understanding.
19:16.937 --> 19:18.477
[SPEAKER_02]: It's gonna, we kinda terror was like,
19:20.218 --> 19:30.242
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm codifying like some of the stuff we do in this podcast and our coaching is we make the invisible visible.
19:30.262 --> 19:41.926
[SPEAKER_02]: We take invisible relationship dynamics and we help you understand them and this is one is like we are constantly there to support one another and it's a lot more complex
19:45.502 --> 19:46.842
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, no, that's so true.
19:46.862 --> 19:47.902
[SPEAKER_02]: Do you connect with that?
19:48.203 --> 19:49.903
[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely, I love this episode.
19:50.123 --> 19:50.283
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
19:50.423 --> 19:51.463
[SPEAKER_00]: I think people will tell.
19:51.843 --> 19:53.463
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to hear the names of your nervous systems.
19:53.824 --> 19:54.484
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
19:54.864 --> 19:55.804
[SPEAKER_02]: Do you want to name Mars, really?
19:55.824 --> 19:56.524
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like E.T.
19:56.584 --> 19:57.464
[SPEAKER_00]: is so cute.
19:57.524 --> 19:57.884
[SPEAKER_02]: E.T.
19:57.904 --> 19:57.944
[SPEAKER_02]: J.
19:58.004 --> 19:59.425
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I think of E.T.
19:59.465 --> 20:00.085
[SPEAKER_00]: phone home.
20:00.665 --> 20:04.846
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, and he's just like this cute little creature and our little nervous system together.
20:04.966 --> 20:06.406
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like ugly, right?
20:06.526 --> 20:08.046
[SPEAKER_00]: It can get wrinkly.
20:08.126 --> 20:09.066
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just thinking of E.T.
20:09.846 --> 20:11.627
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's our names too, dull.
20:12.747 --> 20:17.590
[SPEAKER_02]: E. J. Tara E. T. Anyway, it's funny though because you're actually more extra than me.
20:18.270 --> 20:19.751
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm more terrestrial than you.
20:19.771 --> 20:21.232
[SPEAKER_02]: So all right.
20:21.432 --> 20:24.413
[SPEAKER_02]: So here's the closing framework that we also want to offer you.
20:24.493 --> 20:24.954
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
20:25.074 --> 20:29.976
[SPEAKER_02]: Is that love asks us to make room for each other's emotions.
20:30.917 --> 20:35.880
[SPEAKER_02]: It does not ask either person to disappear inside of them.
20:36.740 --> 20:56.252
[SPEAKER_02]: right that if you're really struggling I don't have to I don't have to just like let my nervous system just bear it all yeah you know I don't have to disappear in fact it's the opposite of what you want you want me to stay present and part of that is becoming aware of my own capacity to know
20:56.640 --> 20:56.940
[SPEAKER_02]: All right.
20:56.960 --> 20:58.822
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, thank you all for listening.
20:59.363 --> 21:05.508
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, one big thing you could do for us if you haven't done it yet is follow our show.
21:05.588 --> 21:12.935
[SPEAKER_02]: Something like 20% of a podcast listening audience subscribes is a whole 80% of you out there that aren't subscribers.
21:13.395 --> 21:18.680
[SPEAKER_02]: If you could just subscribe on YouTube on Apple, Spotify, whatever it is that would mean a lot.
21:18.900 --> 21:21.541
[SPEAKER_00]: And just writing a review, we love reading them.
21:21.561 --> 21:32.245
[SPEAKER_00]: We can't respond to them unfortunately, I wish we could, but we just love reading them because it makes us feel like we're not just talking here to ourselves talk.
21:32.265 --> 21:40.108
[SPEAKER_00]: So thank you, if you feel like this episode could be helpful for someone that you care about, a friend, a family, a co-worker, your partner.
21:40.948 --> 21:42.428
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll go ahead and share this again.
21:42.548 --> 21:44.169
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for listening.
21:44.249 --> 21:49.070
[SPEAKER_00]: As always, take care of yourself, take care of each other, take care of your nervous system together.
21:49.250 --> 21:49.470
[SPEAKER_00]: Bye.
