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This is the first in a series of podcasts on the subject of giving and receiving feedback, something that we often do as we go about our daily lives. Feedback can be a comment to a friend about their new hairstyle; a remark to your son or daughter on their appearance as they prepare to go out with their friends; a discussion with a junior colleague on completion of some delegated work: in any number of ways, we provide feedback to people about them, their work or performance and their behaviour.
Generally speaking, it is easier to give positive feedback than negative. If a friend asks you whether you think they look good in the new clothes they are wearing, I'm sure that you have no problem in complimenting them on their outfit, if they do look great in it. However, telling them that you think it looks hideous and, therefore, it does nothing attractive for them, is a different proposition altogether. Many people would prefer to lie; others would prefer to fudge the issue; yet others may pretend that they didn't hear the question, choosing not to lie and not to offend. It is a brave person that is truthful. Or is it?
I was listening to Andrea Levy on Desert Island Discs last weekend and was struck by something she said on this subject. She invites her husband to comment on chapters of her latest book, as she writes them, and she was asked if he is critical in his feedback. She said that criticism wouldn't be given directly (as this would cause divorce!!) but that he "always finds a way" to tell her the truth. And this is the crux of the matter.
If we are clear about WHY we are giving feedback, and that it is motivated by helping to bring about a positive outcome, why would we not be honest in our feedback? It is not in the recipient's best interest for us to be less than honest to them. For Andrea Levy, it could be the difference between producing a best seller and a book that doesn't leave the shelves of the bookstores. For the friend whose outfit does little for them - well, would you want to be seen in something knowing that people are laughing at your choice of clothes?
However, it is right to be considerate and not to offend with tactless remarks. Better to think through what we really want to say and the purpose for our message, before jumping straight in. Learning some principles around giving feedback, and mastering the skills, will help you to be honest and thoughtful in your delivery.
Today's Key Points:
1. Be clear about the purpose of the feedback. What is it that you are trying to achieve by having this conversation?
2. Focus on the behaviour of the person receiving feedback. Do not criticise them personally.
3. Be specific and avoid generalisation.
4. Speak for yourself, using "I".
5. Find out if there are any reasons for the behaviour. Acknowledge the other person's view.
6. State the emotional impact and the effect of the behaviour.
7. Explain clearly how you would want the behaviour to change.
8. Confirm the benefits of the change. Identify any sanctions if they do not change.
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