00:00:00
Speaker 1: This podcast was recorded on the lands of the boon Warong people of the Koulan nation, the land on which we're lucky enough to raise our sons and daughters, always was, and always will be Aboriginal land. Today, on ask Gredy or Not, I am joined by Jen from Connected Parenting, an obstetric social worker, parent educator, and connection expert who has helped countless families navigate the hardest parts of parenting without losing their call. Jen is all about practical, real world strategies that strengthen your bond with your kids while still holding boundaries. So if you have ever thought, I know I shouldn't yell, but nothing else works, or you have wondered how to actually get through to your child in those tricky moments, this chat is going to be a game changer.
00:00:42
Speaker 2: Hey Jen, how are you hi?
00:00:45
Speaker 3: I'm really good. Thank you for having me.
00:00:47
Speaker 1: I am so excited. We have a bunch of questions. I want a rapid fire. Let's get into it. So, what is, in your opinion, the most common challenge that busy mums have when it comes to navigating the young child's emotions.
00:01:01
Speaker 4: I think the biggest challenge is thinking that you have to do it one hundred percent of the time. I think that we're parenting in this kind of new world where we've got more information than anyone's ever had in the history of parenting. And the bit that we misunderstand is that we're meant to be always on, always welcoming feelings, always connecting and sitting with our kids and setting.
00:01:22
Speaker 3: Boundaries in a way that's firm and kind and.
00:01:24
Speaker 4: All of the stuff that I teach what you're shooting for is around thirty percent. Thirty to forty percent is amazing, and it's what both kids need, and it's what parents need. It's what kids need because we're actually not meant to stop and drop for every feeling. You're allowed to be really authentic. There's meant to be kind of authenticity and kind of movement.
00:01:43
Speaker 3: It's a dance.
00:01:44
Speaker 4: It's just not meant to be this perfect thing. It's that's just not how relationships work. And they're meant to have ruptures and repair.
00:01:52
Speaker 3: That's the whole cycle.
00:01:53
Speaker 4: Connection, rupture, repair, that's how it should work. So we're not looking to do things perfectly. We're all so going to sometimes get a comple lately wrong and stuff up and that's completely okay.
00:02:01
Speaker 2: Okay, So what happens when you do get it wrong?
00:02:04
Speaker 1: How are you meant to stay calm when, for example, your child is having an absolute meltdown in public?
00:02:10
Speaker 2: What do you do?
00:02:11
Speaker 3: First of all, you're not going to stay calm. None of us stay calm. So let's take that off the to do list. Forget that. You're trying to survive. That's it. Your kid is melting down in public.
00:02:24
Speaker 4: Not only are you dealing with the fact that those emotions feel extremely unsafe for your system, because chances are when you melted down as a kid, you were corrected or shamed or sent to your room or smacked, and you learnt really young that emotion is not safe.
00:02:37
Speaker 3: Now you're trying to do it for your child in public.
00:02:39
Speaker 4: Yeah, that is like an impossible ask. So you're not going to stay calm. You're going to feel awful, and that's okay. What you're trying to do is survive, and the best way to survive is, if possible, either build a dome around you and your child, like as if the rest of the world doesn't exist.
00:02:53
Speaker 3: We're just in here and.
00:02:54
Speaker 4: I'm just focusing on my child and nothing else.
00:02:56
Speaker 3: Matters, or get out of there, pick.
00:02:59
Speaker 4: Them up to the car, get somewhere that you can be yourself. And you're not going to feel calm, and that's okay. You're trying to just not lose it as much as your child's losing it.
00:03:08
Speaker 2: Yes, the goal Okay, good, I love this kind of stuff.
00:03:11
Speaker 1: Is actually feels relatable and real as opposed to you say, get.
00:03:15
Speaker 2: Down to their level.
00:03:16
Speaker 1: It's like sometimes you just can't actually do that. You're like, get up and stop screaming, just get out of there.
00:03:21
Speaker 2: Okay, good.
00:03:22
Speaker 1: What is the difference between setting boundaries, so we're talking about, you know, your generic boundaries as opposed to being too strict. You kind of touched on it before when you said our parents parented us very differently. It was definitely far more strict, and now we're kind of leaning more into this like gentle parenting, which unfortunately for me, is just absolutely not working. How do we find that balance of setting boundaries and sticking to them but also being a little bit flexible when they.
00:03:49
Speaker 2: Have to be broken.
00:03:50
Speaker 3: Yeah, it is one of the hardest things to do.
00:03:52
Speaker 4: And if you're finding it hard, that's because it was not modeled for you. So we're telling parents what they can't do, but we haven't said what they can do. But let me cut straight through to it. How do we know the difference between too much.
00:04:04
Speaker 3: And not enough? And kind of that in a boundary moment?
00:04:07
Speaker 4: My favorite quote, Yes, set boundaries and limits for your child, just don't be an asshole about it. So it's that simple. You're allowed to say no. You're allowed to say that doesn't work for me. You're allowed to that boundaries about what you will and won't do for your child. It's not about controlling your child. It's like I will no longer tolerate this behavior. That has to stop. I am saying no to the cookie or more TV. And you're allowed to be upset about it. But when we're doing it in a way that feels mean or punitive or cruel or shamy, we're probably off track. So if you look back and go, I was a bit of an asshole, len, that is a sure sign your boundaries are flipped too far to one side. We're trying to go for a balance of firm and kind, and this is where gentle parenting has led us a little bit astray. So gentle parenting is it's not even a parenting style. It's a term coined by an educator in the UK called Sarah Oqwellsmith to describe the parenting style authoritative parenting. That's what we're actually shooting for. That's what the research backs. The problem with gentle parenting is the name implies you're always gentle. In a boundary moment, you're going to feel not gentle. Sometimes if you're getting a screaming kit off at table or like into a car seat, it's not going to feel gentle. But it should feel firm, but it should also feel kind.
00:05:22
Speaker 3: That's what's shooting for.
00:05:23
Speaker 1: What happens when you do feel a little bit overly firm and you do have to apologize to your child because you've lost your call a time exactly how do you go about it? Like do you just own it and be like I said the wrong thing and I want to say sorry?
00:05:38
Speaker 2: What should parents be saying?
00:05:39
Speaker 3: Look, if you're capable of that, yeah, own it.
00:05:42
Speaker 4: But the reality is most of us, if we're flipped, we've gone into fight flight or freeze. That's not our fault, but we're not going to be in a place to own it or apologize well until we're regulated in order to regulate, two things need to happen.
00:05:54
Speaker 3: One, I need to be kind to myself.
00:05:56
Speaker 4: I didn't lose it because I'm a terrible parent who likes to l I'm doing the best that I can and I'm losing it because parenting is hard and I'm human and I'm.
00:06:03
Speaker 3: Not meant to always be regulated. So I got that wrong.
00:06:05
Speaker 4: But I'm going to be kind to myself, and I'm going to give myself a pause. And that pause might be a breath in a quick moment where I've snapped at my kid and I'm instantly able to breathe.
00:06:14
Speaker 3: I got that wrong.
00:06:15
Speaker 4: It can happen right then and there. But if it's a big loser, probably going to need to take yourself for a time out, like a parental timeout, and not into time out for kids.
00:06:23
Speaker 3: I'm into timeout for months.
00:06:25
Speaker 4: So it might be sometimes amongst busy children.
00:06:30
Speaker 3: Oh, I care about this, I care about us. I'm coming back.
00:06:32
Speaker 4: I'm just going to go hang the washing even is a timeout, or it might be I'm going to go to my room and take a break.
00:06:37
Speaker 3: It might be I'm going to go for a walk with a friend.
00:06:40
Speaker 4: So we're taking enough time that we need to be back online to then come back and be with our child needs.
00:06:46
Speaker 3: In terms of what to.
00:06:47
Speaker 4: Do and say in the repair, we're essentially just trying to imagine it. The relationship is a train on the tracks. We're just trying to get the train back on the tracks. So we're not trying to fix what happened. We're not trying to go, Okay, just have what you want. We're not trying to teach our child or go. But only if you had listened, I wouldn't have yelled. Yeah, it's never their responsibility to repair wherein they're going. I care about getting this train back on the tracks. I care about this relationship. I'm sorry for how I made you feel, And it's always us that has to apologize, never then because we're the parent.
00:07:14
Speaker 1: Yeah, correct on that whole notion of parenting. What happens if your parenting style clashes with your partners? And I've noticed this it's been a huge thing for me since having children.
00:07:24
Speaker 2: It's not something that we.
00:07:25
Speaker 1: Ever discussed before we had kids, which seems so weird. It's like, how are you going to be as a parent, and then how do you discipline or how do you set boundaries for your children. Myself and my husband are like very different. How do you have that conversation with your partner.
00:07:38
Speaker 4: Well, first of all, you've got to know that ninety six percent of couples are sitting on an opposite parenting style. So it's really more much more common that we're going to sit like that because of course we all come with our own unique history and story and we've made sense of that in our own way, so we're always going to find.
00:07:53
Speaker 3: This is like this, and in fact, that's really good for kids.
00:07:57
Speaker 4: That's a positive thing because when you're both bringing strengths and different weaknesses, usually what that means is your kid is getting more of the broader needs met. It's actually harder when you sit on an identical parenting style, it's actually harder. So if you're both, for example, in that kind and firm continuum, if you're both kind, nobody's able to say no, that's disastrous. If you're both firm and nobody can be kind, that's disastrous. So ninety six percent of us are a little bit mismatched, and that's kind of a cool thing. How to get on the same page, Just become aware of it, you know, start to talk about which are the moments that I find more challenging. Which are the moments that you find more challenging. I can give you a generalization. Most dads are really triggered by defiance. Most mums are really triggered by winging. Now let's look back to our childhoods, right, and let's go.
00:08:48
Speaker 3: What were mums told not to do? Don't winge?
00:08:50
Speaker 4: Don't mind turn that far and upside down? Good girl, smile? What were dads punished for mucking up?
00:08:57
Speaker 3: Defiants? Now got a smack, They got punished hard. So when our kid does the thing that.
00:09:03
Speaker 4: We weren't safe to express that we got taught as a young kid, that's not safe.
00:09:08
Speaker 3: That will get you punished or dismissed or ignored, we feel unsafe.
00:09:13
Speaker 4: So now we know, oh, we're both just struggling with emotions, just different ones, and now we've got a chance to kind of come in with compassion and then gently try to walk through it together.
00:09:23
Speaker 3: But no, we don't have to become the same parenting style. That's not the goal. But understanding each other is definitely the first step.
00:09:29
Speaker 1: Okay, So what happens at the end of the day if both you and your partner are feeling just completely drained.
00:09:36
Speaker 2: How do you connect with your child?
00:09:40
Speaker 3: Okay?
00:09:41
Speaker 4: Number one thing would be mini moments of connection.
00:09:45
Speaker 3: Okay, Now, a mini moment of connection.
00:09:48
Speaker 4: Is this is showing delight in your child for no reason.
00:09:52
Speaker 3: It is essentially lighting up as they enter a room.
00:09:56
Speaker 4: It is the most significant intervention you can do, no matter what age, what stage.
00:10:01
Speaker 3: What's happening in your house. And it takes a split second.
00:10:04
Speaker 4: I have a fourteen year old at the moment, and sometimes he just comes in.
00:10:08
Speaker 3: The back door and he's just looks like he's.
00:10:10
Speaker 4: Just and I actively say to myself, light up. I know he's not bringing that energy at fourteen, and he didn't at two or three either.
00:10:18
Speaker 3: I know that's not what he's bringing to the room.
00:10:20
Speaker 4: But if I can actively light up, like I just love you so much and it's all in my face and I'm just so happy you're here, changes the tone, changes the game.
00:10:27
Speaker 1: So it's actually a little body language than it is about what you're physically doing. It's that like recognition to feel like excited when they're in the room.
00:10:36
Speaker 4: Yeah, imagine a golden retriever and like you'd leave the house for one minute and then.
00:10:41
Speaker 3: You come back and they're like, so glad you're back.
00:10:45
Speaker 4: Be the dog takes a split second, and it is the strongest intervention there is.
00:10:50
Speaker 3: Like, it doesn't need to take ten minutes.
00:10:52
Speaker 4: You might just be walking through Harris Farm with one of your kids and you just.
00:10:58
Speaker 3: Squeeze their hand and go love it. When it's just your meat. That's just delight.
00:11:02
Speaker 4: That's just I'm just loving on you in this moment while we're at the shopping and I've got nothing in the tank, I'm just going to squeeze your hand and give you something. And not only does it fill our child's cup and kids his cups get feel.
00:11:12
Speaker 3: Go better, but it feels the connection.
00:11:14
Speaker 4: When you actively start doing it, it changes everything.
00:11:18
Speaker 1: It also just doesn't feel like when you've said that, it doesn't feel like an additional chore at the end of the day, as in I was thinking to myself, oh, maybe Jen's going to say get on the floor play with them for ten minutes, and.
00:11:27
Speaker 2: Honestly, I was like, oh my god, I just don't actually even do that, Like I genuinely don't think mentally I could even do that. So this feels realistic.
00:11:36
Speaker 4: You're cooking in the kitchen and you know, your kid appears and just like say that, Hey God, it's good to see you.
00:11:45
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that.
00:11:47
Speaker 3: Watch their body, watch their body. They'll be like she loves me, Like it's.
00:11:52
Speaker 2: So powerful, so powerful, You're so right. It's wild.
00:11:57
Speaker 1: How often we hand over a screen just to get through the next minutes.
00:12:01
Speaker 5: Yep, and no judgment here. But when we tried Yoto, I realized how much we'd all been craving screen free options.
00:12:08
Speaker 1: MI two love picking a card, popping it into the player and listening to a story or music and it is completely kid controlled. Frozen and Pepper Pig are huge in our household. There is no screen, no microphone, just audio magic.
00:12:20
Speaker 5: So if you've been looking for a screen reset, Yoto's big switch off on Friday, September twelve is your moment. They've got expert tips, activity packs, and even free audio to help you get through it and maybe even love it. Search Yoto play and use the code ready fifteen for fifteen percent off and get your audio adventure started.
00:12:42
Speaker 1: In terms of those connection rituals, are there any quick daily connection rituals that actually work for busy working mums aside from that, like light Up, like do you have something that working mums could do easily.
00:12:56
Speaker 3: I've got something that I do and I love it so much.
00:13:00
Speaker 4: A game called high Low Buffalo at the dinner table, and everybody shares their high of their day, their low of their date, and something they want everybody to know. We started doing it a few years ago and it's my youngest child, who's our most full on and volcanic. That would be the one every night that we go, Hey, guys, everybody do their heart at buffalo and I'm going last because mine's the best. And some days, like I've got one kid that's quite slow to warm up. Some days he'll go skip, skip skip, you know, he's got nothing to say. But often he'll share one a high or a low or a buffalo, and that is incredible because there's a lot of things packaged into that one. You're sharing one, you're giving that opportunity to talk about the hard stuff. So that's resilience building, and it's eq. The highs is gratitude, you're fostering gratitude. Amazing the buffalos is just connection and it's often funny or it's just updates, whatever it is, but it's the ritual.
00:13:50
Speaker 3: It's the ritual that kids love.
00:13:51
Speaker 4: It's like at night at dinner, we do this thing, and I love to imagine that maybe one day they'll come back for dinner as grown ups and we'll still do it, to imagine that maybe this will stick for my family. But it's kind of just as simple as that. And that was an idea my husband got from a corporate business meeting. The highlow Buffalo was a game they played in the corporation to get to know each other, and he goes, we should try this at home, and I was like, yeah, so it can start as simple as that.
00:14:16
Speaker 3: Any idea is a good idea.
00:14:18
Speaker 1: When you said before, sometimes your son doesn't really give you much. I'm at a stage now where i have a four and a half year old and I'm finding it really difficult to get her to open up. So I'll say how is kinda.
00:14:28
Speaker 2: She'll be like yeah good. I'll be like, what did you do nothing? I'm like nothing, to me, you did nothing?
00:14:34
Speaker 3: Like how'd you play with no one?
00:14:36
Speaker 2: Exactly? So how do you get kids to open up about their day?
00:14:40
Speaker 1: Like obviously I'm not asking the right questions, like is there a tactic to get them to open up to you? And when is the ultimate? When is the ideal time for you to ask these questions?
00:14:51
Speaker 4: Yeah, so there's so many answers in that, but put simply, first of all, our timing is off.
00:14:57
Speaker 3: We're often asking as we pick them up or as they come.
00:14:59
Speaker 2: In, exactly what I needing first?
00:15:02
Speaker 4: And they need to decompress. So number one, timing is off. Let them just recalibrate. Imagine they're a system that just has to download. They've got to play first, they've got to eat first, they've got to do whatever they've got to do, maybe have a meltdown first or a poof whatever it is that's got to happen. They cannot share until they've done that thing right. Number two, my biggest tip is to start with something that they love talking about. If you have one of those like I've got one kid, I pick him up at the gate and he's.
00:15:31
Speaker 3: Like, so this area I can't relate.
00:15:37
Speaker 4: Like, I get shocked because I've had three older boys that I couldn't get. It was like blood out of a stone, So I can't believe this kid that shares everything.
00:15:45
Speaker 3: But for those older kids, like A, you've got to wait.
00:15:48
Speaker 4: B You've got to ask them about something they care about first, and this is.
00:15:52
Speaker 3: For teenagers right down to four year olds or two year olds.
00:15:56
Speaker 4: Like we start with like, if your child's in to Pokemon, you go, what's what's your Pokemon? I've just been thinking about Pokemon. Get them talking on their topic. Then who'd you play with at lunch today? I?
00:16:09
Speaker 2: I love this? How have I never thought of something like this?
00:16:12
Speaker 4: Never? So for my teenager, Like if I come in with what I want to know, which is like do have a girlfriend?
00:16:17
Speaker 3: Like only get stonewalled.
00:16:21
Speaker 4: But if I go trials are coming up and I've seen you training, how's your training going? Like do you want to update me on the ins and outs of your leg weights?
00:16:31
Speaker 3: He tells me.
00:16:32
Speaker 4: That, and then I go, well, it's happening, you know, And then I go in for the details the deets.
00:16:39
Speaker 2: YEA love that. So don't ask straight away.
00:16:42
Speaker 1: Ask some something that's going to be of interest to them or what they're interested in.
00:16:45
Speaker 3: So let the system settle first.
00:16:47
Speaker 4: Go in with something of interest and with your questions if we can make them all open ended, like how was your day?
00:16:53
Speaker 3: You know? Do you have a good day? Is kind of a yes or no answer?
00:16:56
Speaker 4: H yeah, yeah, no, we're trying to go what's something someone did today that made you smile? What was it's the high low buffalo, like you can apply that high low buffalo theme. What's one thing that wasn't great today? Was there anything that was a bit of a down of your day? What's one thing that wasn't up? What's one thing I don't know if I was not with you the whole day? Is it anything that I wouldn't know about it? It can be as simple as you know, your teacher wore a pink top. Yeah, love that take the pressure off.
00:17:22
Speaker 2: Yeah.
00:17:23
Speaker 1: With the end of day. For us, we normally come home. I normally put the tally on. I kind of find that like a way for her to deconpress. However, what's happening is it the minute I turn that off?
00:17:33
Speaker 2: It's like my daughter loses it?
00:17:36
Speaker 1: What is your whole idea around managing screen time? So many mums are in the same boat where they're like, you have to use screen time because it's realistic.
00:17:45
Speaker 2: Sometimes you just need to get shit done.
00:17:46
Speaker 1: Sometimes your kids sick, and sometimes to be honest, they need the screen time. They need it just to sit there and veg like you would. How do we manage it without having a constant battle of removing it.
00:17:58
Speaker 3: Yeah.
00:17:58
Speaker 4: Look, this is why I've literally created, of course, called screen Santurday in seven days because I have struggled so much with this. All the parents I'm working with struggle too much with this.
00:18:07
Speaker 3: So first of all, no, you're not alone.
00:18:09
Speaker 4: Second of all, no, if your kid is losing it when you can turn off the TV, that makes sense.
00:18:13
Speaker 3: So let's look at what's actually going on.
00:18:16
Speaker 4: Like, kids have emotions, and screens are part of our world, and any solution people are presenting, we're like, oh, just don't have it because it's bad for it is ridiculous that meltdown is sort of coming, and it's.
00:18:27
Speaker 3: Yeah, look, and there's so much in it, Like a lot.
00:18:29
Speaker 4: Of kids are using that screen to regulate after a big day in the same way as we might like watch Netflix to kind of just tune out, and that can be that can be healthy and find particularly for neurodiversent kids, particularly for kids that are adjusting to things, particularly for sensitive kids or sensory kids.
00:18:46
Speaker 3: This is part of what they do.
00:18:48
Speaker 4: So, yeah, they're going to melt down, So we expect that, and once we expect it, we can do some things to help them out with it. Number one, make your rules really clear and concrete, and like write them on the fridge.
00:18:59
Speaker 3: I like to have a screen contract.
00:19:01
Speaker 4: Doesn't mean kids can't cry, but they know we only do screens between four and five, or we don't do screens midweek, or we like whatever your rule is, make it really concrete so everyone can do it. For me, my boys dock their phones at night. So there's rules and they're on the fridge. Everyone knows about them. But then number two, we're not expecting that when we come in and tell our kids screen time's over. Even if you give warnings, you know, and this is a good idea, give warnings, get hurt.
00:19:27
Speaker 3: A set of timer. You can have an hour of screens.
00:19:29
Speaker 4: We're going to set the Google timer or the Alexa timer, and can you set that for me and just set it for an hour. Then when the time it goes off, your kid has had that prep of light.
00:19:38
Speaker 3: And I know it might be hard to turn off screens.
00:19:39
Speaker 4: I know it's always hard, but I will still be helping you turn them off.
00:19:42
Speaker 3: You're allowed to be upset about it. I will still be turning it off.
00:19:45
Speaker 4: Then when the time it goes off, you're not expecting your try to go all the time it's gone off. I'll just turn off the team and be happy about it. They're not going to do that. They're going to totally still struggle. And then you go, I can see you having a hard time, but our time has gone off.
00:19:56
Speaker 3: Remember that was our rule.
00:19:57
Speaker 4: It's on the fridge, and I told you it would be happening, And I'm going to help by turning off the TV. I'm going to put the right up there. And then you just expect and accept. Yeah, you're going to have big feelings about it, because it's really fun watching TV, and it's really hard when it gets turned off and you are only four or five or eight or fourteen, and it is hard when that happens.
00:20:16
Speaker 1: And that's okay, okay. So we've talked about navigating big feelings. What happens when we're talking about navigating big transitions. So maybe your child is starting school, maybe they've got a new sibling, maybe.
00:20:26
Speaker 2: You're moving house.
00:20:28
Speaker 1: Often there's like a range of emotions that come with that, but they're kind of hidden.
00:20:33
Speaker 2: How do you navigate that?
00:20:35
Speaker 4: Talking about what might be hard in advance is really helpful. Preparing for emotions is really helpful. So it's really hard with the two year old and a new baby. There's not much we can do in advance, but we can certainly say there's a baby coming and there might be moments where it's noisy or it cries, rather than telling our kids before they start school or before they become a sibling, you're going to start school.
00:20:56
Speaker 6: It's going to be amazing. Yeah, the best time to be be brother. It's going to be the best. It's going to be a best friend. Anything we do where there's a change is going to be a little bit hard. There's going to be a mix of emotions, and some will be positive and some won't be so positive, but they're all part of that experience. So if we can set the tone that there is a sink coming up that will be different, and it might be hard, and it might also be good and exciting, there'll be this mix of emotions, and then as much as we can walk a kid through, particularly like the transition to schools a little bit different, we can actively walk.
00:21:28
Speaker 3: Them through as much of that as possible.
00:21:30
Speaker 4: So lots of tours, lots of social stories, giving them the visual expectations of it, and Mum will drop you off at the gate and it might be hard to say good bye on that first day, and you might feel a bit nervous, but you.
00:21:40
Speaker 3: Might also feel excited.
00:21:41
Speaker 4: All of that's okay, and I will come back to pick you up. So the more we can talk them through that, the better. Then we want to do physical prep again for school, so practicing opening, closing a lunch, fox, getting our own uniform.
00:21:52
Speaker 3: On, all of that stuff.
00:21:53
Speaker 4: Can't do that so much for a baby, but we can practice like that there'll be a baby and give them a baby, and then it's really just again expecting and allowing that there will be a transition process.
00:22:06
Speaker 3: For me.
00:22:06
Speaker 4: The two biggest transitions in a young child's life without fail are Number one, becoming a big brother or sister.
00:22:11
Speaker 3: Number two, start in kindergarten.
00:22:13
Speaker 4: And the first one is obvious, right They have to learn to share you with a whole other person, and.
00:22:18
Speaker 3: That's the transition that takes out of you.
00:22:20
Speaker 4: And then the second one, I think is starting kindergarten because the demands and expectations these days of kindergarten are so much greater than they were work.
00:22:29
Speaker 3: In the eighties.
00:22:30
Speaker 4: And we are just expecting so much academically socially, they're right into team spots. Everything's on, and we're expecting them to be like, you know, writing in cursive within two weeks kind of thing.
00:22:40
Speaker 2: It just doesn't happen, and.
00:22:42
Speaker 4: Their little systems get really really overloaded, and we will see meltdowns that last about a year in line with the sibling transition because they're.
00:22:52
Speaker 3: Learning like how to sort of adjust their whole systems.
00:22:54
Speaker 4: I wish it was easier on them, but yeah, they are two big transitions.
00:22:58
Speaker 1: With the whole sibling thing, I'm constantly saying, don't do that, don't touch that, stop hitting him, don't pinch him, don't.
00:23:06
Speaker 2: Pull her hair.
00:23:07
Speaker 1: How can we handle sibling fights without always playing referee?
00:23:11
Speaker 4: Yeah, so the first thing we want to do is accept them as completely normal and healthy and actually, sibling fighting is how kids learn about negotiation and power and relationships, and there's heapes of.
00:23:21
Speaker 3: Positives in it.
00:23:23
Speaker 4: Once we view it as a positive, we can actually step out of the.
00:23:26
Speaker 3: Middle a little bit.
00:23:27
Speaker 4: So we actually want to stop being that, stop this, stop that, step out of the middle, and instead we start to narrate. I can see two kids struggling over how you're going to share this toy, and I can't wait to see.
00:23:40
Speaker 3: How you work this out.
00:23:42
Speaker 4: Right, you're actually sort of stepping back from it being your responsibility to adjudicate. You're just narrating like you're calling a horse race. Wow, things are getting really heated. The only time you are stepping in, right, the only time you are stepping in is if a core rule is being broken. So my care rules no hitting or hurting each other or the dog or whatever. Number two no name calling yeap, even benign names. And number three when someone is crying or saying stop, we stop and we check on them.
00:24:14
Speaker 2: Yeah.
00:24:15
Speaker 3: The third one is really important because it's consent.
00:24:17
Speaker 4: It's actually teaching kids how to read social cues and actually respond right. And the other ones are just my core rules because that's unsafe if we're not stepping in when they're physically hurting each other or emotionally hurting each other. Yeah, so you can be frustrated and you can yell and scream at each other and I'll go, whoa, yeah you go.
00:24:34
Speaker 2: I just you know, I.
00:24:35
Speaker 4: Narrate if I can feel they need me. But a lot of the time, like, yeah, I'm hearing it. I'm not stepping in until they're really needing that support, and with practice, your kids get better at it. So a really quick example, two kids are rumbling on the trampoline. One is not having a good time, the other one is.
00:24:52
Speaker 3: Having a ball. And the one not having a good time might have shown.
00:24:55
Speaker 4: This but hasn't clearly articulated it even but you can see it's about to end in tears, or you can hear it in the tone or the build as parents and you come.
00:25:05
Speaker 3: Close and go, I'm hearing two kids.
00:25:07
Speaker 4: One's having a really good time, like in narrating a horse race, and the other one like, Tommy.
00:25:12
Speaker 3: You're not looking good, Charlie. Should we check on Tommy?
00:25:15
Speaker 4: It just doesn't look like he's enjoying this game. Do you want to check on name? You're not able to I'm gonna.
00:25:19
Speaker 3: Check a name. Are you okay?
00:25:20
Speaker 4: Yeah?
00:25:21
Speaker 3: He's not okay. We're gonna have to redirect this game.
00:25:23
Speaker 2: Guys.
00:25:24
Speaker 3: I wonder what you can come up with. But you're pulling yourself more and more out of that role.
00:25:29
Speaker 4: And eventually they learn to say, like when one of them is not happy, the other one will go, oh, are you okay?
00:25:35
Speaker 3: They're still going to fight. They're meant to fight.
00:25:36
Speaker 4: They're gonna pick and pick and pick at each other because that's what siblings do. But as long as they know that you will consistently and always step in with the same response when they're hurting or name calling, that's a safe way to kind of be out of the middle of a lot of it, stepping in when they need it, which absolutely, I'm still stepping in all the time and like, well, okay, looks like you guys need my help. I cannot let you hit. I'm coming between you, guys. I am going to go with you to your room. I'm going to come back and check on you.
00:26:05
Speaker 3: Guys. We can work this out.
00:26:07
Speaker 4: Stay neutral, try to help them both to learn when kids are fighting and it's ending in name calling or physical violence, we're looking at high emotion, low skill.
00:26:18
Speaker 3: So we're going to build a skill.
00:26:19
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay.
00:26:20
Speaker 1: Lastly, Jen, if I only had time to learn one connection strategy, what should it be?
00:26:27
Speaker 3: Oh? God, you last question.
00:26:30
Speaker 1: Don't say three because everyone's always like, oh but I've got threat.
00:26:33
Speaker 2: No, No, just one.
00:26:35
Speaker 4: Okay, just a tuning being with your child where they're at. So sometimes we want connection to be like happy, Like I meet you at the school gate and I'm like, hey, mum's got the afternoon. If we're going to like have the best time, like let's connect. And your kids like, nah, not vibing it. I am hungry. You can get stuffed. Yeah, and we push on with this sedgection but we're no, but we're meant to be having this really nice time and so I'm going to try and make it better because then we're going to have this nice connection.
00:27:05
Speaker 3: And connection is actually it's just a tuning.
00:27:08
Speaker 4: It's like the kid in front of me, you're not feeling the vibe of like really fun, looks like you've had a really hard day. That's it. Ye, Like just being there that feels amazing. Like if we can learn to do that. And it's every kind of scenario like your kid goes, you like my sibling more than me, and instead of just jumping to fix that, we go, wow, that sounds tough. It feels like something feels a bit unjust here. I'd love to know more. Yeah, just slow down. That is the most amazing, so freaking hard. So really, what I'm saying is try to grab a pause. The pause allows you to tune into where your kid is instead of what your gender is and what your autopilot's trying to do in any of these scenarios. Pause, what's actually happening here that makes the biggest difference.
00:27:55
Speaker 2: These tips I've.
00:27:57
Speaker 1: Got almost gobsmacked at how incredible they are and how quickly you've been able to give them. Often like there's a lot of talk like oh maybe this, maybe that. Nut You've been so direct, why do you for today's episode of Ask or Not? Huge thank you to Jen from Connected Parenting for giving us such grounded, practical tools for handling the tough moments, but also while building trust in connection with our kids, which is obviously the most important part. I love that you said parenting really isn't about perfection, Like you haven't through this entire chat, you haven't been like, oh, yeah, we should really be doing that. You're like, no, no one can stay calm. It's freaking hard and sometimes it does feel like a bit of a circus, Jenny. If people want to ask you more questions, where can they find you?
00:28:37
Speaker 3: Connected Parenting?
00:28:38
Speaker 4: Are you on Insta websites, Connected Parenting dot com, dot are you? Or get my book Little People, Big Feelings available everywhere.
00:28:46
Speaker 2: Thank you so much.
00:28:47
Speaker 1: If you have found this episode helpful, share it with a friend who's in the think of parenting right now and see you next week.
00:28:53
Speaker 3: Thanks jan Bye, thank you.
Speaker 1: This podcast was recorded on the lands of the boon Warong people of the Koulan nation, the land on which we're lucky enough to raise our sons and daughters, always was, and always will be Aboriginal land. Today, on ask Gredy or Not, I am joined by Jen from Connected Parenting, an obstetric social worker, parent educator, and connection expert who has helped countless families navigate the hardest parts of parenting without losing their call. Jen is all about practical, real world strategies that strengthen your bond with your kids while still holding boundaries. So if you have ever thought, I know I shouldn't yell, but nothing else works, or you have wondered how to actually get through to your child in those tricky moments, this chat is going to be a game changer.
00:00:42
Speaker 2: Hey Jen, how are you hi?
00:00:45
Speaker 3: I'm really good. Thank you for having me.
00:00:47
Speaker 1: I am so excited. We have a bunch of questions. I want a rapid fire. Let's get into it. So, what is, in your opinion, the most common challenge that busy mums have when it comes to navigating the young child's emotions.
00:01:01
Speaker 4: I think the biggest challenge is thinking that you have to do it one hundred percent of the time. I think that we're parenting in this kind of new world where we've got more information than anyone's ever had in the history of parenting. And the bit that we misunderstand is that we're meant to be always on, always welcoming feelings, always connecting and sitting with our kids and setting.
00:01:22
Speaker 3: Boundaries in a way that's firm and kind and.
00:01:24
Speaker 4: All of the stuff that I teach what you're shooting for is around thirty percent. Thirty to forty percent is amazing, and it's what both kids need, and it's what parents need. It's what kids need because we're actually not meant to stop and drop for every feeling. You're allowed to be really authentic. There's meant to be kind of authenticity and kind of movement.
00:01:43
Speaker 3: It's a dance.
00:01:44
Speaker 4: It's just not meant to be this perfect thing. It's that's just not how relationships work. And they're meant to have ruptures and repair.
00:01:52
Speaker 3: That's the whole cycle.
00:01:53
Speaker 4: Connection, rupture, repair, that's how it should work. So we're not looking to do things perfectly. We're all so going to sometimes get a comple lately wrong and stuff up and that's completely okay.
00:02:01
Speaker 2: Okay, So what happens when you do get it wrong?
00:02:04
Speaker 1: How are you meant to stay calm when, for example, your child is having an absolute meltdown in public?
00:02:10
Speaker 2: What do you do?
00:02:11
Speaker 3: First of all, you're not going to stay calm. None of us stay calm. So let's take that off the to do list. Forget that. You're trying to survive. That's it. Your kid is melting down in public.
00:02:24
Speaker 4: Not only are you dealing with the fact that those emotions feel extremely unsafe for your system, because chances are when you melted down as a kid, you were corrected or shamed or sent to your room or smacked, and you learnt really young that emotion is not safe.
00:02:37
Speaker 3: Now you're trying to do it for your child in public.
00:02:39
Speaker 4: Yeah, that is like an impossible ask. So you're not going to stay calm. You're going to feel awful, and that's okay. What you're trying to do is survive, and the best way to survive is, if possible, either build a dome around you and your child, like as if the rest of the world doesn't exist.
00:02:53
Speaker 3: We're just in here and.
00:02:54
Speaker 4: I'm just focusing on my child and nothing else.
00:02:56
Speaker 3: Matters, or get out of there, pick.
00:02:59
Speaker 4: Them up to the car, get somewhere that you can be yourself. And you're not going to feel calm, and that's okay. You're trying to just not lose it as much as your child's losing it.
00:03:08
Speaker 2: Yes, the goal Okay, good, I love this kind of stuff.
00:03:11
Speaker 1: Is actually feels relatable and real as opposed to you say, get.
00:03:15
Speaker 2: Down to their level.
00:03:16
Speaker 1: It's like sometimes you just can't actually do that. You're like, get up and stop screaming, just get out of there.
00:03:21
Speaker 2: Okay, good.
00:03:22
Speaker 1: What is the difference between setting boundaries, so we're talking about, you know, your generic boundaries as opposed to being too strict. You kind of touched on it before when you said our parents parented us very differently. It was definitely far more strict, and now we're kind of leaning more into this like gentle parenting, which unfortunately for me, is just absolutely not working. How do we find that balance of setting boundaries and sticking to them but also being a little bit flexible when they.
00:03:49
Speaker 2: Have to be broken.
00:03:50
Speaker 3: Yeah, it is one of the hardest things to do.
00:03:52
Speaker 4: And if you're finding it hard, that's because it was not modeled for you. So we're telling parents what they can't do, but we haven't said what they can do. But let me cut straight through to it. How do we know the difference between too much.
00:04:04
Speaker 3: And not enough? And kind of that in a boundary moment?
00:04:07
Speaker 4: My favorite quote, Yes, set boundaries and limits for your child, just don't be an asshole about it. So it's that simple. You're allowed to say no. You're allowed to say that doesn't work for me. You're allowed to that boundaries about what you will and won't do for your child. It's not about controlling your child. It's like I will no longer tolerate this behavior. That has to stop. I am saying no to the cookie or more TV. And you're allowed to be upset about it. But when we're doing it in a way that feels mean or punitive or cruel or shamy, we're probably off track. So if you look back and go, I was a bit of an asshole, len, that is a sure sign your boundaries are flipped too far to one side. We're trying to go for a balance of firm and kind, and this is where gentle parenting has led us a little bit astray. So gentle parenting is it's not even a parenting style. It's a term coined by an educator in the UK called Sarah Oqwellsmith to describe the parenting style authoritative parenting. That's what we're actually shooting for. That's what the research backs. The problem with gentle parenting is the name implies you're always gentle. In a boundary moment, you're going to feel not gentle. Sometimes if you're getting a screaming kit off at table or like into a car seat, it's not going to feel gentle. But it should feel firm, but it should also feel kind.
00:05:22
Speaker 3: That's what's shooting for.
00:05:23
Speaker 1: What happens when you do feel a little bit overly firm and you do have to apologize to your child because you've lost your call a time exactly how do you go about it? Like do you just own it and be like I said the wrong thing and I want to say sorry?
00:05:38
Speaker 2: What should parents be saying?
00:05:39
Speaker 3: Look, if you're capable of that, yeah, own it.
00:05:42
Speaker 4: But the reality is most of us, if we're flipped, we've gone into fight flight or freeze. That's not our fault, but we're not going to be in a place to own it or apologize well until we're regulated in order to regulate, two things need to happen.
00:05:54
Speaker 3: One, I need to be kind to myself.
00:05:56
Speaker 4: I didn't lose it because I'm a terrible parent who likes to l I'm doing the best that I can and I'm losing it because parenting is hard and I'm human and I'm.
00:06:03
Speaker 3: Not meant to always be regulated. So I got that wrong.
00:06:05
Speaker 4: But I'm going to be kind to myself, and I'm going to give myself a pause. And that pause might be a breath in a quick moment where I've snapped at my kid and I'm instantly able to breathe.
00:06:14
Speaker 3: I got that wrong.
00:06:15
Speaker 4: It can happen right then and there. But if it's a big loser, probably going to need to take yourself for a time out, like a parental timeout, and not into time out for kids.
00:06:23
Speaker 3: I'm into timeout for months.
00:06:25
Speaker 4: So it might be sometimes amongst busy children.
00:06:30
Speaker 3: Oh, I care about this, I care about us. I'm coming back.
00:06:32
Speaker 4: I'm just going to go hang the washing even is a timeout, or it might be I'm going to go to my room and take a break.
00:06:37
Speaker 3: It might be I'm going to go for a walk with a friend.
00:06:40
Speaker 4: So we're taking enough time that we need to be back online to then come back and be with our child needs.
00:06:46
Speaker 3: In terms of what to.
00:06:47
Speaker 4: Do and say in the repair, we're essentially just trying to imagine it. The relationship is a train on the tracks. We're just trying to get the train back on the tracks. So we're not trying to fix what happened. We're not trying to go, Okay, just have what you want. We're not trying to teach our child or go. But only if you had listened, I wouldn't have yelled. Yeah, it's never their responsibility to repair wherein they're going. I care about getting this train back on the tracks. I care about this relationship. I'm sorry for how I made you feel, And it's always us that has to apologize, never then because we're the parent.
00:07:14
Speaker 1: Yeah, correct on that whole notion of parenting. What happens if your parenting style clashes with your partners? And I've noticed this it's been a huge thing for me since having children.
00:07:24
Speaker 2: It's not something that we.
00:07:25
Speaker 1: Ever discussed before we had kids, which seems so weird. It's like, how are you going to be as a parent, and then how do you discipline or how do you set boundaries for your children. Myself and my husband are like very different. How do you have that conversation with your partner.
00:07:38
Speaker 4: Well, first of all, you've got to know that ninety six percent of couples are sitting on an opposite parenting style. So it's really more much more common that we're going to sit like that because of course we all come with our own unique history and story and we've made sense of that in our own way, so we're always going to find.
00:07:53
Speaker 3: This is like this, and in fact, that's really good for kids.
00:07:57
Speaker 4: That's a positive thing because when you're both bringing strengths and different weaknesses, usually what that means is your kid is getting more of the broader needs met. It's actually harder when you sit on an identical parenting style, it's actually harder. So if you're both, for example, in that kind and firm continuum, if you're both kind, nobody's able to say no, that's disastrous. If you're both firm and nobody can be kind, that's disastrous. So ninety six percent of us are a little bit mismatched, and that's kind of a cool thing. How to get on the same page, Just become aware of it, you know, start to talk about which are the moments that I find more challenging. Which are the moments that you find more challenging. I can give you a generalization. Most dads are really triggered by defiance. Most mums are really triggered by winging. Now let's look back to our childhoods, right, and let's go.
00:08:48
Speaker 3: What were mums told not to do? Don't winge?
00:08:50
Speaker 4: Don't mind turn that far and upside down? Good girl, smile? What were dads punished for mucking up?
00:08:57
Speaker 3: Defiants? Now got a smack, They got punished hard. So when our kid does the thing that.
00:09:03
Speaker 4: We weren't safe to express that we got taught as a young kid, that's not safe.
00:09:08
Speaker 3: That will get you punished or dismissed or ignored, we feel unsafe.
00:09:13
Speaker 4: So now we know, oh, we're both just struggling with emotions, just different ones, and now we've got a chance to kind of come in with compassion and then gently try to walk through it together.
00:09:23
Speaker 3: But no, we don't have to become the same parenting style. That's not the goal. But understanding each other is definitely the first step.
00:09:29
Speaker 1: Okay, So what happens at the end of the day if both you and your partner are feeling just completely drained.
00:09:36
Speaker 2: How do you connect with your child?
00:09:40
Speaker 3: Okay?
00:09:41
Speaker 4: Number one thing would be mini moments of connection.
00:09:45
Speaker 3: Okay, Now, a mini moment of connection.
00:09:48
Speaker 4: Is this is showing delight in your child for no reason.
00:09:52
Speaker 3: It is essentially lighting up as they enter a room.
00:09:56
Speaker 4: It is the most significant intervention you can do, no matter what age, what stage.
00:10:01
Speaker 3: What's happening in your house. And it takes a split second.
00:10:04
Speaker 4: I have a fourteen year old at the moment, and sometimes he just comes in.
00:10:08
Speaker 3: The back door and he's just looks like he's.
00:10:10
Speaker 4: Just and I actively say to myself, light up. I know he's not bringing that energy at fourteen, and he didn't at two or three either.
00:10:18
Speaker 3: I know that's not what he's bringing to the room.
00:10:20
Speaker 4: But if I can actively light up, like I just love you so much and it's all in my face and I'm just so happy you're here, changes the tone, changes the game.
00:10:27
Speaker 1: So it's actually a little body language than it is about what you're physically doing. It's that like recognition to feel like excited when they're in the room.
00:10:36
Speaker 4: Yeah, imagine a golden retriever and like you'd leave the house for one minute and then.
00:10:41
Speaker 3: You come back and they're like, so glad you're back.
00:10:45
Speaker 4: Be the dog takes a split second, and it is the strongest intervention there is.
00:10:50
Speaker 3: Like, it doesn't need to take ten minutes.
00:10:52
Speaker 4: You might just be walking through Harris Farm with one of your kids and you just.
00:10:58
Speaker 3: Squeeze their hand and go love it. When it's just your meat. That's just delight.
00:11:02
Speaker 4: That's just I'm just loving on you in this moment while we're at the shopping and I've got nothing in the tank, I'm just going to squeeze your hand and give you something. And not only does it fill our child's cup and kids his cups get feel.
00:11:12
Speaker 3: Go better, but it feels the connection.
00:11:14
Speaker 4: When you actively start doing it, it changes everything.
00:11:18
Speaker 1: It also just doesn't feel like when you've said that, it doesn't feel like an additional chore at the end of the day, as in I was thinking to myself, oh, maybe Jen's going to say get on the floor play with them for ten minutes, and.
00:11:27
Speaker 2: Honestly, I was like, oh my god, I just don't actually even do that, Like I genuinely don't think mentally I could even do that. So this feels realistic.
00:11:36
Speaker 4: You're cooking in the kitchen and you know, your kid appears and just like say that, Hey God, it's good to see you.
00:11:45
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that.
00:11:47
Speaker 3: Watch their body, watch their body. They'll be like she loves me, Like it's.
00:11:52
Speaker 2: So powerful, so powerful, You're so right. It's wild.
00:11:57
Speaker 1: How often we hand over a screen just to get through the next minutes.
00:12:01
Speaker 5: Yep, and no judgment here. But when we tried Yoto, I realized how much we'd all been craving screen free options.
00:12:08
Speaker 1: MI two love picking a card, popping it into the player and listening to a story or music and it is completely kid controlled. Frozen and Pepper Pig are huge in our household. There is no screen, no microphone, just audio magic.
00:12:20
Speaker 5: So if you've been looking for a screen reset, Yoto's big switch off on Friday, September twelve is your moment. They've got expert tips, activity packs, and even free audio to help you get through it and maybe even love it. Search Yoto play and use the code ready fifteen for fifteen percent off and get your audio adventure started.
00:12:42
Speaker 1: In terms of those connection rituals, are there any quick daily connection rituals that actually work for busy working mums aside from that, like light Up, like do you have something that working mums could do easily.
00:12:56
Speaker 3: I've got something that I do and I love it so much.
00:13:00
Speaker 4: A game called high Low Buffalo at the dinner table, and everybody shares their high of their day, their low of their date, and something they want everybody to know. We started doing it a few years ago and it's my youngest child, who's our most full on and volcanic. That would be the one every night that we go, Hey, guys, everybody do their heart at buffalo and I'm going last because mine's the best. And some days, like I've got one kid that's quite slow to warm up. Some days he'll go skip, skip skip, you know, he's got nothing to say. But often he'll share one a high or a low or a buffalo, and that is incredible because there's a lot of things packaged into that one. You're sharing one, you're giving that opportunity to talk about the hard stuff. So that's resilience building, and it's eq. The highs is gratitude, you're fostering gratitude. Amazing the buffalos is just connection and it's often funny or it's just updates, whatever it is, but it's the ritual.
00:13:50
Speaker 3: It's the ritual that kids love.
00:13:51
Speaker 4: It's like at night at dinner, we do this thing, and I love to imagine that maybe one day they'll come back for dinner as grown ups and we'll still do it, to imagine that maybe this will stick for my family. But it's kind of just as simple as that. And that was an idea my husband got from a corporate business meeting. The highlow Buffalo was a game they played in the corporation to get to know each other, and he goes, we should try this at home, and I was like, yeah, so it can start as simple as that.
00:14:16
Speaker 3: Any idea is a good idea.
00:14:18
Speaker 1: When you said before, sometimes your son doesn't really give you much. I'm at a stage now where i have a four and a half year old and I'm finding it really difficult to get her to open up. So I'll say how is kinda.
00:14:28
Speaker 2: She'll be like yeah good. I'll be like, what did you do nothing? I'm like nothing, to me, you did nothing?
00:14:34
Speaker 3: Like how'd you play with no one?
00:14:36
Speaker 2: Exactly? So how do you get kids to open up about their day?
00:14:40
Speaker 1: Like obviously I'm not asking the right questions, like is there a tactic to get them to open up to you? And when is the ultimate? When is the ideal time for you to ask these questions?
00:14:51
Speaker 4: Yeah, so there's so many answers in that, but put simply, first of all, our timing is off.
00:14:57
Speaker 3: We're often asking as we pick them up or as they come.
00:14:59
Speaker 2: In, exactly what I needing first?
00:15:02
Speaker 4: And they need to decompress. So number one, timing is off. Let them just recalibrate. Imagine they're a system that just has to download. They've got to play first, they've got to eat first, they've got to do whatever they've got to do, maybe have a meltdown first or a poof whatever it is that's got to happen. They cannot share until they've done that thing right. Number two, my biggest tip is to start with something that they love talking about. If you have one of those like I've got one kid, I pick him up at the gate and he's.
00:15:31
Speaker 3: Like, so this area I can't relate.
00:15:37
Speaker 4: Like, I get shocked because I've had three older boys that I couldn't get. It was like blood out of a stone, So I can't believe this kid that shares everything.
00:15:45
Speaker 3: But for those older kids, like A, you've got to wait.
00:15:48
Speaker 4: B You've got to ask them about something they care about first, and this is.
00:15:52
Speaker 3: For teenagers right down to four year olds or two year olds.
00:15:56
Speaker 4: Like we start with like, if your child's in to Pokemon, you go, what's what's your Pokemon? I've just been thinking about Pokemon. Get them talking on their topic. Then who'd you play with at lunch today? I?
00:16:09
Speaker 2: I love this? How have I never thought of something like this?
00:16:12
Speaker 4: Never? So for my teenager, Like if I come in with what I want to know, which is like do have a girlfriend?
00:16:17
Speaker 3: Like only get stonewalled.
00:16:21
Speaker 4: But if I go trials are coming up and I've seen you training, how's your training going? Like do you want to update me on the ins and outs of your leg weights?
00:16:31
Speaker 3: He tells me.
00:16:32
Speaker 4: That, and then I go, well, it's happening, you know, And then I go in for the details the deets.
00:16:39
Speaker 2: YEA love that. So don't ask straight away.
00:16:42
Speaker 1: Ask some something that's going to be of interest to them or what they're interested in.
00:16:45
Speaker 3: So let the system settle first.
00:16:47
Speaker 4: Go in with something of interest and with your questions if we can make them all open ended, like how was your day?
00:16:53
Speaker 3: You know? Do you have a good day? Is kind of a yes or no answer?
00:16:56
Speaker 4: H yeah, yeah, no, we're trying to go what's something someone did today that made you smile? What was it's the high low buffalo, like you can apply that high low buffalo theme. What's one thing that wasn't great today? Was there anything that was a bit of a down of your day? What's one thing that wasn't up? What's one thing I don't know if I was not with you the whole day? Is it anything that I wouldn't know about it? It can be as simple as you know, your teacher wore a pink top. Yeah, love that take the pressure off.
00:17:22
Speaker 2: Yeah.
00:17:23
Speaker 1: With the end of day. For us, we normally come home. I normally put the tally on. I kind of find that like a way for her to deconpress. However, what's happening is it the minute I turn that off?
00:17:33
Speaker 2: It's like my daughter loses it?
00:17:36
Speaker 1: What is your whole idea around managing screen time? So many mums are in the same boat where they're like, you have to use screen time because it's realistic.
00:17:45
Speaker 2: Sometimes you just need to get shit done.
00:17:46
Speaker 1: Sometimes your kids sick, and sometimes to be honest, they need the screen time. They need it just to sit there and veg like you would. How do we manage it without having a constant battle of removing it.
00:17:58
Speaker 3: Yeah.
00:17:58
Speaker 4: Look, this is why I've literally created, of course, called screen Santurday in seven days because I have struggled so much with this. All the parents I'm working with struggle too much with this.
00:18:07
Speaker 3: So first of all, no, you're not alone.
00:18:09
Speaker 4: Second of all, no, if your kid is losing it when you can turn off the TV, that makes sense.
00:18:13
Speaker 3: So let's look at what's actually going on.
00:18:16
Speaker 4: Like, kids have emotions, and screens are part of our world, and any solution people are presenting, we're like, oh, just don't have it because it's bad for it is ridiculous that meltdown is sort of coming, and it's.
00:18:27
Speaker 3: Yeah, look, and there's so much in it, Like a lot.
00:18:29
Speaker 4: Of kids are using that screen to regulate after a big day in the same way as we might like watch Netflix to kind of just tune out, and that can be that can be healthy and find particularly for neurodiversent kids, particularly for kids that are adjusting to things, particularly for sensitive kids or sensory kids.
00:18:46
Speaker 3: This is part of what they do.
00:18:48
Speaker 4: So, yeah, they're going to melt down, So we expect that, and once we expect it, we can do some things to help them out with it. Number one, make your rules really clear and concrete, and like write them on the fridge.
00:18:59
Speaker 3: I like to have a screen contract.
00:19:01
Speaker 4: Doesn't mean kids can't cry, but they know we only do screens between four and five, or we don't do screens midweek, or we like whatever your rule is, make it really concrete so everyone can do it. For me, my boys dock their phones at night. So there's rules and they're on the fridge. Everyone knows about them. But then number two, we're not expecting that when we come in and tell our kids screen time's over. Even if you give warnings, you know, and this is a good idea, give warnings, get hurt.
00:19:27
Speaker 3: A set of timer. You can have an hour of screens.
00:19:29
Speaker 4: We're going to set the Google timer or the Alexa timer, and can you set that for me and just set it for an hour. Then when the time it goes off, your kid has had that prep of light.
00:19:38
Speaker 3: And I know it might be hard to turn off screens.
00:19:39
Speaker 4: I know it's always hard, but I will still be helping you turn them off.
00:19:42
Speaker 3: You're allowed to be upset about it. I will still be turning it off.
00:19:45
Speaker 4: Then when the time it goes off, you're not expecting your try to go all the time it's gone off. I'll just turn off the team and be happy about it. They're not going to do that. They're going to totally still struggle. And then you go, I can see you having a hard time, but our time has gone off.
00:19:56
Speaker 3: Remember that was our rule.
00:19:57
Speaker 4: It's on the fridge, and I told you it would be happening, And I'm going to help by turning off the TV. I'm going to put the right up there. And then you just expect and accept. Yeah, you're going to have big feelings about it, because it's really fun watching TV, and it's really hard when it gets turned off and you are only four or five or eight or fourteen, and it is hard when that happens.
00:20:16
Speaker 1: And that's okay, okay. So we've talked about navigating big feelings. What happens when we're talking about navigating big transitions. So maybe your child is starting school, maybe they've got a new sibling, maybe.
00:20:26
Speaker 2: You're moving house.
00:20:28
Speaker 1: Often there's like a range of emotions that come with that, but they're kind of hidden.
00:20:33
Speaker 2: How do you navigate that?
00:20:35
Speaker 4: Talking about what might be hard in advance is really helpful. Preparing for emotions is really helpful. So it's really hard with the two year old and a new baby. There's not much we can do in advance, but we can certainly say there's a baby coming and there might be moments where it's noisy or it cries, rather than telling our kids before they start school or before they become a sibling, you're going to start school.
00:20:56
Speaker 6: It's going to be amazing. Yeah, the best time to be be brother. It's going to be the best. It's going to be a best friend. Anything we do where there's a change is going to be a little bit hard. There's going to be a mix of emotions, and some will be positive and some won't be so positive, but they're all part of that experience. So if we can set the tone that there is a sink coming up that will be different, and it might be hard, and it might also be good and exciting, there'll be this mix of emotions, and then as much as we can walk a kid through, particularly like the transition to schools a little bit different, we can actively walk.
00:21:28
Speaker 3: Them through as much of that as possible.
00:21:30
Speaker 4: So lots of tours, lots of social stories, giving them the visual expectations of it, and Mum will drop you off at the gate and it might be hard to say good bye on that first day, and you might feel a bit nervous, but you.
00:21:40
Speaker 3: Might also feel excited.
00:21:41
Speaker 4: All of that's okay, and I will come back to pick you up. So the more we can talk them through that, the better. Then we want to do physical prep again for school, so practicing opening, closing a lunch, fox, getting our own uniform.
00:21:52
Speaker 3: On, all of that stuff.
00:21:53
Speaker 4: Can't do that so much for a baby, but we can practice like that there'll be a baby and give them a baby, and then it's really just again expecting and allowing that there will be a transition process.
00:22:06
Speaker 3: For me.
00:22:06
Speaker 4: The two biggest transitions in a young child's life without fail are Number one, becoming a big brother or sister.
00:22:11
Speaker 3: Number two, start in kindergarten.
00:22:13
Speaker 4: And the first one is obvious, right They have to learn to share you with a whole other person, and.
00:22:18
Speaker 3: That's the transition that takes out of you.
00:22:20
Speaker 4: And then the second one, I think is starting kindergarten because the demands and expectations these days of kindergarten are so much greater than they were work.
00:22:29
Speaker 3: In the eighties.
00:22:30
Speaker 4: And we are just expecting so much academically socially, they're right into team spots. Everything's on, and we're expecting them to be like, you know, writing in cursive within two weeks kind of thing.
00:22:40
Speaker 2: It just doesn't happen, and.
00:22:42
Speaker 4: Their little systems get really really overloaded, and we will see meltdowns that last about a year in line with the sibling transition because they're.
00:22:52
Speaker 3: Learning like how to sort of adjust their whole systems.
00:22:54
Speaker 4: I wish it was easier on them, but yeah, they are two big transitions.
00:22:58
Speaker 1: With the whole sibling thing, I'm constantly saying, don't do that, don't touch that, stop hitting him, don't pinch him, don't.
00:23:06
Speaker 2: Pull her hair.
00:23:07
Speaker 1: How can we handle sibling fights without always playing referee?
00:23:11
Speaker 4: Yeah, so the first thing we want to do is accept them as completely normal and healthy and actually, sibling fighting is how kids learn about negotiation and power and relationships, and there's heapes of.
00:23:21
Speaker 3: Positives in it.
00:23:23
Speaker 4: Once we view it as a positive, we can actually step out of the.
00:23:26
Speaker 3: Middle a little bit.
00:23:27
Speaker 4: So we actually want to stop being that, stop this, stop that, step out of the middle, and instead we start to narrate. I can see two kids struggling over how you're going to share this toy, and I can't wait to see.
00:23:40
Speaker 3: How you work this out.
00:23:42
Speaker 4: Right, you're actually sort of stepping back from it being your responsibility to adjudicate. You're just narrating like you're calling a horse race. Wow, things are getting really heated. The only time you are stepping in, right, the only time you are stepping in is if a core rule is being broken. So my care rules no hitting or hurting each other or the dog or whatever. Number two no name calling yeap, even benign names. And number three when someone is crying or saying stop, we stop and we check on them.
00:24:14
Speaker 2: Yeah.
00:24:15
Speaker 3: The third one is really important because it's consent.
00:24:17
Speaker 4: It's actually teaching kids how to read social cues and actually respond right. And the other ones are just my core rules because that's unsafe if we're not stepping in when they're physically hurting each other or emotionally hurting each other. Yeah, so you can be frustrated and you can yell and scream at each other and I'll go, whoa, yeah you go.
00:24:34
Speaker 2: I just you know, I.
00:24:35
Speaker 4: Narrate if I can feel they need me. But a lot of the time, like, yeah, I'm hearing it. I'm not stepping in until they're really needing that support, and with practice, your kids get better at it. So a really quick example, two kids are rumbling on the trampoline. One is not having a good time, the other one is.
00:24:52
Speaker 3: Having a ball. And the one not having a good time might have shown.
00:24:55
Speaker 4: This but hasn't clearly articulated it even but you can see it's about to end in tears, or you can hear it in the tone or the build as parents and you come.
00:25:05
Speaker 3: Close and go, I'm hearing two kids.
00:25:07
Speaker 4: One's having a really good time, like in narrating a horse race, and the other one like, Tommy.
00:25:12
Speaker 3: You're not looking good, Charlie. Should we check on Tommy?
00:25:15
Speaker 4: It just doesn't look like he's enjoying this game. Do you want to check on name? You're not able to I'm gonna.
00:25:19
Speaker 3: Check a name. Are you okay?
00:25:20
Speaker 4: Yeah?
00:25:21
Speaker 3: He's not okay. We're gonna have to redirect this game.
00:25:23
Speaker 2: Guys.
00:25:24
Speaker 3: I wonder what you can come up with. But you're pulling yourself more and more out of that role.
00:25:29
Speaker 4: And eventually they learn to say, like when one of them is not happy, the other one will go, oh, are you okay?
00:25:35
Speaker 3: They're still going to fight. They're meant to fight.
00:25:36
Speaker 4: They're gonna pick and pick and pick at each other because that's what siblings do. But as long as they know that you will consistently and always step in with the same response when they're hurting or name calling, that's a safe way to kind of be out of the middle of a lot of it, stepping in when they need it, which absolutely, I'm still stepping in all the time and like, well, okay, looks like you guys need my help. I cannot let you hit. I'm coming between you, guys. I am going to go with you to your room. I'm going to come back and check on you.
00:26:05
Speaker 3: Guys. We can work this out.
00:26:07
Speaker 4: Stay neutral, try to help them both to learn when kids are fighting and it's ending in name calling or physical violence, we're looking at high emotion, low skill.
00:26:18
Speaker 3: So we're going to build a skill.
00:26:19
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay.
00:26:20
Speaker 1: Lastly, Jen, if I only had time to learn one connection strategy, what should it be?
00:26:27
Speaker 3: Oh? God, you last question.
00:26:30
Speaker 1: Don't say three because everyone's always like, oh but I've got threat.
00:26:33
Speaker 2: No, No, just one.
00:26:35
Speaker 4: Okay, just a tuning being with your child where they're at. So sometimes we want connection to be like happy, Like I meet you at the school gate and I'm like, hey, mum's got the afternoon. If we're going to like have the best time, like let's connect. And your kids like, nah, not vibing it. I am hungry. You can get stuffed. Yeah, and we push on with this sedgection but we're no, but we're meant to be having this really nice time and so I'm going to try and make it better because then we're going to have this nice connection.
00:27:05
Speaker 3: And connection is actually it's just a tuning.
00:27:08
Speaker 4: It's like the kid in front of me, you're not feeling the vibe of like really fun, looks like you've had a really hard day. That's it. Ye, Like just being there that feels amazing. Like if we can learn to do that. And it's every kind of scenario like your kid goes, you like my sibling more than me, and instead of just jumping to fix that, we go, wow, that sounds tough. It feels like something feels a bit unjust here. I'd love to know more. Yeah, just slow down. That is the most amazing, so freaking hard. So really, what I'm saying is try to grab a pause. The pause allows you to tune into where your kid is instead of what your gender is and what your autopilot's trying to do in any of these scenarios. Pause, what's actually happening here that makes the biggest difference.
00:27:55
Speaker 2: These tips I've.
00:27:57
Speaker 1: Got almost gobsmacked at how incredible they are and how quickly you've been able to give them. Often like there's a lot of talk like oh maybe this, maybe that. Nut You've been so direct, why do you for today's episode of Ask or Not? Huge thank you to Jen from Connected Parenting for giving us such grounded, practical tools for handling the tough moments, but also while building trust in connection with our kids, which is obviously the most important part. I love that you said parenting really isn't about perfection, Like you haven't through this entire chat, you haven't been like, oh, yeah, we should really be doing that. You're like, no, no one can stay calm. It's freaking hard and sometimes it does feel like a bit of a circus, Jenny. If people want to ask you more questions, where can they find you?
00:28:37
Speaker 3: Connected Parenting?
00:28:38
Speaker 4: Are you on Insta websites, Connected Parenting dot com, dot are you? Or get my book Little People, Big Feelings available everywhere.
00:28:46
Speaker 2: Thank you so much.
00:28:47
Speaker 1: If you have found this episode helpful, share it with a friend who's in the think of parenting right now and see you next week.
00:28:53
Speaker 3: Thanks jan Bye, thank you.
