The Pain Cave | Ep. 355

WEBVTT
1
00:00:02.129 --> 00:00:05.780
I've got a quick, quick question for you, alright?
2
00:00:05.900 --> 00:00:09.220
I wanna hear your thoughts, wanna know what's on your mind.
3
00:00:10.320 --> 00:00:11.939
I've got a quick, quick.
4
00:00:11.800 --> 00:00:13.820
Question for you, alright?
5
00:00:13.880 --> 00:00:16.739
The answer's not important, I'm just glad that we could
6
00:00:16.800 --> 00:00:19.039
talk tonight. So what's your favourite?
7
00:00:19.059 --> 00:00:20.780
Who did you get?
8
00:00:20.800 --> 00:00:26.000
When will I be remembered? What's it over? Oh, forget it.
9
00:00:26.019 --> 00:00:33.340
Sorry, baby, Daniel O'Brien. Two best friends and comedy writers
10
00:00:33.859 --> 00:00:38.740
If there's an answer, they're gonna find it I think
11
00:00:38.780 --> 00:00:43.340
you'll have a great time here I think you'll have
12
00:00:43.359 --> 00:00:44.679
a great time.
13
00:00:44.399 --> 00:01:04.379
Here I am learning to juggle. Oh, fuck.
14
00:01:04.700 --> 00:01:06.299
For some reason, I thought you'd probably already know how
15
00:01:06.319 --> 00:01:08.120
to juggle. That wasn't like a thing you learned when
16
00:01:08.140 --> 00:01:10.799
you were a kid because you were like, okay, magicianhood's
17
00:01:10.840 --> 00:01:12.299
not going to work out. What's next?
18
00:01:13.099 --> 00:01:16.290
No, I think it was too sports adjacent for me
19
00:01:16.849 --> 00:01:20.189
to get into. I think it seemed like the kind
20
00:01:20.230 --> 00:01:23.329
of thing that required a level of coordination that I
21
00:01:23.489 --> 00:01:24.829
simply knew I didn't have.
22
00:01:25.430 --> 00:01:27.209
And how's that working out now? Do you think it
23
00:01:27.230 --> 00:01:28.609
still does or are you into it?
24
00:01:29.049 --> 00:01:32.519
Well, I should be clear. Where I'm at in the
25
00:01:32.560 --> 00:01:35.769
process is I have made the decision to learn to juggle.
26
00:01:36.030 --> 00:01:39.010
I have decided that it is for me and it
27
00:01:39.090 --> 00:01:41.420
is not off limits and I can do it.
28
00:01:42.129 --> 00:01:42.349
Okay.
29
00:01:42.989 --> 00:01:45.810
Well, I'm happy to see, I'm happy to hear about
30
00:01:45.849 --> 00:01:51.799
your journey as you go. But thinking of adjacent things, Daniel,
31
00:01:54.000 --> 00:01:57.299
we've got a guest on our show that's half of
32
00:01:57.379 --> 00:02:00.000
that word. Jason Pargin.
33
00:02:01.079 --> 00:02:01.140
Oh.
34
00:02:01.140 --> 00:02:02.079
Welcome to the show.
35
00:02:02.099 --> 00:02:04.840
Oh, so this is the start of the show.
36
00:02:04.859 --> 00:02:06.140
Yeah, I know. This is the start of the show.
37
00:02:06.239 --> 00:02:06.439
Yeah.
38
00:02:06.780 --> 00:02:08.599
We'd like to fall down a few times first.
39
00:02:09.219 --> 00:02:12.560
Some podcasts do that artsy thing where you fade in
40
00:02:12.710 --> 00:02:16.349
on a conversation they're already having and then they slowly
41
00:02:16.409 --> 00:02:18.490
get into it. And I've been a part of those
42
00:02:18.530 --> 00:02:21.830
in the past where we've just been having the conversation
43
00:02:21.849 --> 00:02:23.469
and I will say something like, okay, do you want
44
00:02:23.490 --> 00:02:25.370
to go ahead and do the intro? And they're like, no,
45
00:02:25.449 --> 00:02:28.340
this was the show. All that stuff you said. Yeah.
46
00:02:29.099 --> 00:02:32.319
In fact, we're wrapping up now. We've concluded.
47
00:02:32.340 --> 00:02:34.159
Thank you for being here, Jason. It was a pleasure,
48
00:02:34.379 --> 00:02:34.819
as always.
49
00:02:36.539 --> 00:02:39.819
So you can't get me started on talking about how
50
00:02:40.150 --> 00:02:42.689
Cracked has deleted all of our columns. You surely have
51
00:02:42.729 --> 00:02:46.669
talked about it multiple times already. The audience, surely, if
52
00:02:46.710 --> 00:02:48.650
you get me started on that, we're not going to
53
00:02:48.689 --> 00:02:52.689
talk about anything else. So you don't bring that up. Yeah.
54
00:02:52.830 --> 00:02:54.990
To give everyone a little bit of context on... Jason
55
00:02:55.009 --> 00:02:57.229
Pargin is a good friend of ours. We worked on
56
00:02:57.310 --> 00:03:00.150
a website together called Cracked, though there's no indication that
57
00:03:00.169 --> 00:03:02.189
that ever existed or that we ever did that.
58
00:03:02.210 --> 00:03:03.189
No way to prove that, yeah.
59
00:03:03.349 --> 00:03:05.430
There's zero proof that we all worked together because that
60
00:03:05.530 --> 00:03:08.620
site went and deleted everything that we ever made. But
61
00:03:08.740 --> 00:03:13.680
Jason was my boss, I think Dan's boss for a
62
00:03:13.699 --> 00:03:14.360
while as well.
63
00:03:14.439 --> 00:03:14.939
Unclear.
64
00:03:15.139 --> 00:03:15.699
Possibly.
65
00:03:16.039 --> 00:03:20.939
Yeah. I think to look at an official org chart
66
00:03:20.990 --> 00:03:23.810
that no one ever actually drew up I don't believe
67
00:03:23.870 --> 00:03:27.229
Jason was my boss. I would do things he told
68
00:03:27.289 --> 00:03:29.889
me to do. Yeah. I think that like... He was
69
00:03:29.909 --> 00:03:31.229
in charge if he was not your boss.
70
00:03:31.270 --> 00:03:32.770
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
71
00:03:33.030 --> 00:03:35.300
And we all worked together. And then Jason went on
72
00:03:35.340 --> 00:03:38.960
to have an enormously successful career as a novelist and
73
00:03:39.439 --> 00:03:42.620
even a more enormously successful career as a TikTok star.
74
00:03:44.120 --> 00:03:47.520
Have you done any follow-up, Jason, on the... And we're
75
00:03:47.539 --> 00:03:51.389
not talking about this. On the articles that have disappeared. Because...
76
00:03:53.729 --> 00:03:59.210
I looked at it happening and got sad. We talked
77
00:03:59.229 --> 00:04:01.129
about it a tiny bit on this show, and I
78
00:04:01.169 --> 00:04:05.310
mentioned it on my sub stack. I'm kind of okay
79
00:04:05.349 --> 00:04:09.979
that some of it disappeared because using language that I
80
00:04:10.020 --> 00:04:12.580
don't use anymore and have opinions that I don't have anymore.
81
00:04:13.259 --> 00:04:16.399
And it's not that I think like, oh no, the
82
00:04:16.500 --> 00:04:20.199
world has lost this treasure trove of good stuff when
83
00:04:20.220 --> 00:04:24.180
I think about the columns that I personally wrote I
84
00:04:25.040 --> 00:04:31.720
liked it as proof that I did something for the
85
00:04:31.759 --> 00:04:37.509
year between 2007 and 2018 that I was working professionally
86
00:04:37.829 --> 00:04:41.069
and there was a view count on it. I liked
87
00:04:41.129 --> 00:04:44.730
that as a living record of my work, but I didn't...
88
00:04:46.129 --> 00:04:48.899
I haven't done anything like... I didn't reach out to
89
00:04:49.000 --> 00:04:51.360
the current bosses at Crack to be like, hey, is this...
90
00:04:52.399 --> 00:04:54.339
Are you aware of this or like, is there plans
91
00:04:54.379 --> 00:04:56.160
to fix it? Did you do anything?
92
00:04:57.360 --> 00:05:01.600
I don't even know who's still there. Cause I, after
93
00:05:01.660 --> 00:05:03.649
I left, I knew several people that were still there
94
00:05:03.689 --> 00:05:06.589
that to my knowledge, they've all, they've all moved on.
95
00:05:06.610 --> 00:05:11.370
I just don't have any contacts there anymore. And yeah,
96
00:05:11.509 --> 00:05:15.620
it's tough because like that there's, there's no way to
97
00:05:15.709 --> 00:05:20.279
check now, but all of my opinions were perfect. I'm
98
00:05:20.339 --> 00:05:24.079
the one who has zero regrets because even I was
99
00:05:24.170 --> 00:05:27.110
so far ahead of the curve, I predicted everything that's
100
00:05:27.129 --> 00:05:29.970
happening right now. And now I send people to go
101
00:05:29.990 --> 00:05:32.269
to try to show them it's just all a dead link.
102
00:05:32.310 --> 00:05:35.300
It's like, I just have to take my word for it.
103
00:05:35.639 --> 00:05:38.920
Jason was in Nostradamus. Everything that's happened currently, he predicted.
104
00:05:40.079 --> 00:05:41.899
The Brewers winning the World Series?
105
00:05:42.199 --> 00:05:45.180
There's just no way to prove it anymore. But yeah,
106
00:05:45.199 --> 00:05:47.500
this was a big one for you. You were baseball
107
00:05:47.550 --> 00:05:51.750
forward in most of your articles. You loved making predictions
108
00:05:51.790 --> 00:05:54.230
about future baseball games, which at the time we thought,
109
00:05:55.269 --> 00:05:58.209
I don't know that this is really good for us.
110
00:05:58.329 --> 00:06:03.180
In 2016, when you wrote about the Brewers winning, in 2026,
111
00:06:03.180 --> 00:06:05.759
we were like, we're all going to be fucking dead
112
00:06:05.800 --> 00:06:07.980
by then. We're not even going to know if you're
113
00:06:08.019 --> 00:06:10.279
right or not. I didn't really have a great grasp
114
00:06:10.379 --> 00:06:14.490
on time back then. You know who's still at crack, Jason?
115
00:06:15.730 --> 00:06:19.189
America's sweetheart, Simon. He is still there. Really?
116
00:06:19.209 --> 00:06:23.230
Yeah. That's good. But see, here's the thing. That's because
117
00:06:23.930 --> 00:06:28.180
he has an actual marketable skill in the real world
118
00:06:28.240 --> 00:06:32.699
that people need. And he's not just BSing society into
119
00:06:32.800 --> 00:06:35.819
giving us money. Like, they're going to put all of
120
00:06:35.899 --> 00:06:39.790
us into that pool. I'm just saying that if society
121
00:06:40.589 --> 00:06:44.560
had to strip everything down to just the essentials. Like
122
00:06:44.600 --> 00:06:47.350
if they were putting everybody on a spaceship to go,
123
00:06:47.850 --> 00:06:50.269
like earth was going to be destroyed and you know,
124
00:06:50.290 --> 00:06:52.170
they're going to put the essential people on a ship
125
00:06:52.209 --> 00:06:54.949
to go restart life on Mars. I don't know that
126
00:06:55.029 --> 00:06:58.769
we would necessarily have a seat along with the doctors
127
00:06:58.949 --> 00:06:59.829
and the engineers.
128
00:07:01.540 --> 00:07:02.220
I just, I like that.
129
00:07:02.240 --> 00:07:02.980
You're a good hang.
130
00:07:03.420 --> 00:07:09.300
I like that. You're concocting this fantastical situation to prove
131
00:07:09.540 --> 00:07:14.500
who wouldn't make it. Uh, I was laid off at
132
00:07:14.579 --> 00:07:17.199
cracked and they went through each person and they were like, well,
133
00:07:17.220 --> 00:07:19.259
we definitely need a Simon and we definitely don't need
134
00:07:19.300 --> 00:07:22.480
a date. Like the thought experiment is unnecessary.
135
00:07:22.740 --> 00:07:25.680
Six consecutive layoffs. He was the one that like, well,
136
00:07:26.000 --> 00:07:29.439
the whole thing stops working without him. So, you know,
137
00:07:29.740 --> 00:07:32.740
the audience will not notice if these other clowns are gone,
138
00:07:32.759 --> 00:07:38.089
that the site goes dark without the technical side. Anyway.
139
00:07:38.470 --> 00:07:41.069
So here's the thing about that, about this is all
140
00:07:41.089 --> 00:07:47.279
I'm going to say. Look, these days I get stopped
141
00:07:47.360 --> 00:07:50.040
on the street by people who know me from TikTok
142
00:07:50.060 --> 00:07:52.740
and Reels and Facebook because I have now, I'm coming
143
00:07:52.800 --> 00:07:56.319
up on 3 million followers across those platforms. And none
144
00:07:56.360 --> 00:07:59.029
of those people know that I write books. They're all
145
00:07:59.089 --> 00:08:01.329
very surprised to find out that I write books. When
146
00:08:01.410 --> 00:08:02.910
I bring up the fact that I have a book
147
00:08:02.949 --> 00:08:05.750
coming out, they're not eager to pursue that line of
148
00:08:05.829 --> 00:08:11.519
conversation because it's like, oh, okay. But here's the thing.
149
00:08:11.899 --> 00:08:15.839
I don't feel like 20 years from now, people are
150
00:08:15.879 --> 00:08:20.079
still going to be watching my wonderful short videos. The
151
00:08:20.139 --> 00:08:23.319
way that I have a book that, you know, 20
152
00:08:23.319 --> 00:08:26.730
years later, people are still reading. So that's the thing.
153
00:08:26.870 --> 00:08:30.170
The books I perceive as being a thing that will
154
00:08:30.230 --> 00:08:33.190
last and will outlive me. That's part of why people
155
00:08:33.230 --> 00:08:36.870
like me create. It's something that's going to outlive yourself.
156
00:08:38.750 --> 00:08:40.779
But the stuff you do on the internet, and this
157
00:08:40.820 --> 00:08:44.759
has been true since 1997 or whenever I first started,
158
00:08:46.000 --> 00:08:49.580
it just doesn't stick around. I've compared it to those
159
00:08:49.940 --> 00:08:52.330
Mario levels where you jump on a platform and then
160
00:08:52.370 --> 00:08:54.169
you realize, oh, this is one of those levels where
161
00:08:54.210 --> 00:08:56.610
the platform crumbles and falls under your feet. You have
162
00:08:56.629 --> 00:08:59.210
to keep hopping from platform to platform and they just
163
00:08:59.269 --> 00:09:02.730
disappear behind you. And creating stuff on the internet has
164
00:09:02.809 --> 00:09:05.669
always felt like that because I have had servers go dark.
165
00:09:05.720 --> 00:09:09.429
I've had hosting services like pre-cracked. Yeah, like when I
166
00:09:09.450 --> 00:09:11.230
had a site hosted on and then they went out
167
00:09:11.269 --> 00:09:13.710
of business and I had to rapidly stay up all
168
00:09:13.750 --> 00:09:15.909
night uploading a backup and then found that on the
169
00:09:15.950 --> 00:09:18.330
new site, some of the old stuff didn't because they
170
00:09:18.370 --> 00:09:21.429
were using a different PHP version or something. And a
171
00:09:21.460 --> 00:09:23.529
lot of the old stuff didn't upload because I used
172
00:09:23.549 --> 00:09:26.080
to do blog posts that had like effects and animation
173
00:09:26.139 --> 00:09:30.039
and stuff. And it got outdated. And then you think
174
00:09:30.059 --> 00:09:31.919
about all the people that used to create like Flash
175
00:09:31.980 --> 00:09:34.519
animations on new grounds and then Flash went away and
176
00:09:34.559 --> 00:09:39.809
all that stuff, that whole community just is just gone. It's,
177
00:09:40.470 --> 00:09:43.330
it's sad, but it's also, it's like, it's always been
178
00:09:43.370 --> 00:09:46.009
like that. That's why I'm so big on like pushing
179
00:09:46.080 --> 00:09:48.299
the books because it's like, no, this is the one
180
00:09:48.360 --> 00:09:50.019
thing that's still going to be there.
181
00:09:50.039 --> 00:09:50.120
Yeah.
182
00:09:52.139 --> 00:09:52.360
Yeah.
183
00:09:52.419 --> 00:09:55.470
I mean, there, everyone, when I was younger would tell me,
184
00:09:55.509 --> 00:09:57.809
don't be careful what you put on the internet because
185
00:09:57.870 --> 00:09:59.690
it will live forever. And I just would like to
186
00:09:59.750 --> 00:10:01.409
rub off. their noses in that right now.
187
00:10:01.950 --> 00:10:02.750
No, that's not the case.
188
00:10:03.309 --> 00:10:06.210
In fact, it has less staying power than a piece
189
00:10:06.250 --> 00:10:06.610
of paper.
190
00:10:09.860 --> 00:10:13.220
My pet, Jackson. I've talked about him before on this
191
00:10:13.289 --> 00:10:15.659
show and in the streets everywhere I go. I love
192
00:10:15.679 --> 00:10:18.200
him so much. We used to do a game. where
193
00:10:18.409 --> 00:10:21.080
I would walk down the street, and people would come
194
00:10:21.139 --> 00:10:22.940
up and say, like, oh, cute dog, what's his name?
195
00:10:23.100 --> 00:10:25.299
And I would say, his name is Hoobastank. And they
196
00:10:25.320 --> 00:10:28.539
would say, excuse me? And I'd say, Hoobastank. And they'd say, like,
197
00:10:28.600 --> 00:10:31.039
the band? And I'd say, I don't know what you're
198
00:10:31.059 --> 00:10:33.620
talking about. And they said, the band, Hoobastank. And I said, no,
199
00:10:34.500 --> 00:10:37.440
it's a Dutch word. And they'd say, no, no, no, no, no, Hoobastank.
200
00:10:37.460 --> 00:10:39.399
There was a band named Hoobastank. And I was like,
201
00:10:39.440 --> 00:10:42.179
I'll take your word for it. And then they would
202
00:10:42.220 --> 00:10:45.730
be like, you've heard of Hoobastank. And they would sing
203
00:10:45.759 --> 00:10:49.419
a little bit of one of the two Hoobastank songs,
204
00:10:49.500 --> 00:10:54.019
Crawling in the Dark or The Reason. And I would
205
00:10:54.039 --> 00:10:55.659
be like, okay, they sound good. I'll check them out.
206
00:10:55.950 --> 00:10:57.509
And I would walk away. It was just like a
207
00:10:57.529 --> 00:10:59.309
little bit of the fun that I used to have
208
00:10:59.330 --> 00:11:01.669
as a dog owner. It's just like, see if I
209
00:11:01.690 --> 00:11:06.190
can get people, strangers, to sing Hoobastank to me by
210
00:11:06.250 --> 00:11:10.269
telling them a fun gaslighting lie. That is my personal
211
00:11:10.330 --> 00:11:15.809
pet story about Jackson, a.k.a. Hoobastank, a.k.a. Paquito Arraño, the
212
00:11:15.830 --> 00:11:19.480
little spider. I love him so much and I would
213
00:11:19.519 --> 00:11:22.960
do anything for him. Today's episode is sponsored by the
214
00:11:23.019 --> 00:11:27.220
ASPCA Pet Health Insurance Program. If you've ever found yourself
215
00:11:27.480 --> 00:11:29.940
awake at 2 a.m. phone in hand googling things like,
216
00:11:30.460 --> 00:11:32.639
is this normal for dogs? Or do I need to
217
00:11:32.679 --> 00:11:35.799
call the vet right now? You're not alone. Those unexpected
218
00:11:35.820 --> 00:11:38.139
moments are part of having a pet, which is exactly
219
00:11:38.179 --> 00:11:41.419
why ASPCA Pet Health Insurance exists. It helps take some
220
00:11:41.460 --> 00:11:43.759
of the financial stress out of vet care so you
221
00:11:43.779 --> 00:11:47.710
can focus more on your own little hoobastank, and less
222
00:11:47.870 --> 00:11:51.500
on the cost. The ASPCA Pet Health Insurance Program offers
223
00:11:51.529 --> 00:11:54.259
customizable accident and illness plans that can fit your budget,
224
00:11:54.299 --> 00:11:57.740
your lifestyle, and even your pet's particular quirks. Because let's
225
00:11:57.779 --> 00:12:00.899
be honest, vet bills can add up fast. ASPCA Pet
226
00:12:00.919 --> 00:12:03.059
Health Insurance has been around for almost 30 years and
227
00:12:03.080 --> 00:12:06.460
has covered over 1 million pets. And when it's time
228
00:12:06.480 --> 00:12:09.009
to submit a claim, it's easy. Just use their app
229
00:12:09.070 --> 00:12:11.610
and receive reimbursement for eligible vet bills directly into your
230
00:12:11.629 --> 00:12:13.889
bank account. so you can get back to focusing on
231
00:12:13.929 --> 00:12:19.320
what really matters, your pet. To explore coverage, visit ASPCAPetInsurance.com
232
00:12:19.340 --> 00:12:26.620
slash question. That's ASPCAPetInsurance.com slash question. Again, that's ASPCAPetInsurance.com slash question.
233
00:12:26.960 --> 00:12:29.779
This is a paid advertisement. Insurance is underwritten by either
234
00:12:29.820 --> 00:12:33.330
Independence American Insurance Company or United States Fire Insurance Company
235
00:12:33.389 --> 00:12:37.309
and produced by PTZ Insurance Agency Limited. The ASPCA is
236
00:12:37.370 --> 00:12:39.549
not an insurer and is not engaged in the business
237
00:12:39.730 --> 00:12:45.960
of insurance. Hey, but Jason, speaking of your TikTok, I
238
00:12:45.980 --> 00:12:48.919
got a quick question for you. How much money are
239
00:12:48.940 --> 00:12:50.389
you making from TikTok? What are you bringing in?
240
00:12:54.139 --> 00:13:00.070
There was an individual month where I made my yearly
241
00:13:00.149 --> 00:13:06.409
salary at Cracked as executive editor. Yeah, okay. Now, here's
242
00:13:06.429 --> 00:13:09.529
the thing. Now, here's the thing. Two months later, I
243
00:13:09.570 --> 00:13:15.419
made 20% of that. Yeah. Because... That's how like video
244
00:13:15.500 --> 00:13:18.320
revenue works. And I think any YouTuber will tell you
245
00:13:18.340 --> 00:13:22.179
the same thing. It's like you go from being rich to, oh,
246
00:13:22.279 --> 00:13:25.279
I cannot pay the rent because they will just decide
247
00:13:26.039 --> 00:13:28.509
we're going to pay you 80% less this month. And
248
00:13:28.529 --> 00:13:33.629
you ask why it's like. Yeah. Well, we don't know.
249
00:13:33.929 --> 00:13:35.669
We just thought it would be a good round number.
250
00:13:36.139 --> 00:13:38.929
The advertisers didn't pay us this month.
251
00:13:39.090 --> 00:13:43.110
We get that with residuals. A show that's in syndication,
252
00:13:43.129 --> 00:13:46.269
sometimes you'll get a bunch of money for an episode
253
00:13:46.289 --> 00:13:49.009
of your show that presumably aired on an airplane while
254
00:13:49.029 --> 00:13:52.960
someone was traveling across the country. But then occasionally you'll
255
00:13:53.000 --> 00:13:56.379
get ones from Netflix or a streaming service and it'll
256
00:13:56.419 --> 00:13:59.379
be laughably... They shouldn't have even printed it. They shouldn't
257
00:13:59.399 --> 00:14:00.820
have even printed it out and gave it to you.
258
00:14:01.000 --> 00:14:03.000
And you're like, well, what is this? And they're like,
259
00:14:03.019 --> 00:14:04.470
we can't tell you. We can't tell you how many
260
00:14:04.509 --> 00:14:05.320
people watched your episode.
261
00:14:05.340 --> 00:14:05.960
We can't tell you anything.
262
00:14:06.220 --> 00:14:08.840
Just trust us that this is exactly how much you deserve.
263
00:14:09.460 --> 00:14:13.139
I have a stack of residuals in a drawer in
264
00:14:13.179 --> 00:14:22.019
my house. There are probably 200 plus physical checks that
265
00:14:22.059 --> 00:14:24.879
I have like signed and added up. 200 plus checks
266
00:14:25.879 --> 00:14:27.820
combined for about $ 900.
267
00:14:27.759 --> 00:14:27.860
Wow.
268
00:14:29.580 --> 00:14:35.389
And I just, I'm sure I sound like wealthy and
269
00:14:35.509 --> 00:14:38.889
snobbish that I haven't gotten around to depositing it yet.
270
00:14:39.289 --> 00:14:41.210
But it's like, you got to go to the, you can't,
271
00:14:41.809 --> 00:14:44.490
you can't hand a stack of 200 plus checks to someone.
272
00:14:45.110 --> 00:14:47.169
You either go to the ATM and you do them
273
00:14:47.169 --> 00:14:49.429
10 at a time into the machine and then the
274
00:14:49.450 --> 00:14:52.169
machine spits it back. Or you like stand with a
275
00:14:52.350 --> 00:14:54.409
bank teller and watch them do 10 at a time.
276
00:14:54.789 --> 00:14:56.879
And they don't like that either. There's no good solution.
277
00:14:57.240 --> 00:15:03.220
And again, it's, $ 900. And I'm not yet at a
278
00:15:03.259 --> 00:15:06.220
point where $ 900 is make or break for me. Soon,
279
00:15:06.480 --> 00:15:10.799
we're all heading there. And to Soren's point, there were
280
00:15:10.870 --> 00:15:13.250
some years where we would get residuals where it was like,
281
00:15:13.289 --> 00:15:15.929
this is... The first year that I was working at
282
00:15:15.950 --> 00:15:18.590
Last Week Tonight and I got residuals and I still
283
00:15:18.629 --> 00:15:20.769
had nothing but stars in my eyes, I was like,
284
00:15:20.850 --> 00:15:24.549
this is... This is cruel how much money we get
285
00:15:24.610 --> 00:15:28.759
for living our dreams. Like, residuals, this is... money on
286
00:15:28.820 --> 00:15:31.399
top of the money I get for doing this job.
287
00:15:32.019 --> 00:15:34.600
And already the money that we get is very good.
288
00:15:34.639 --> 00:15:38.559
And then these residuals, it's just like gratuitous. I can't
289
00:15:38.620 --> 00:15:41.559
believe the money they throw at us. And now it's
290
00:15:41.580 --> 00:15:44.700
a couple of years later and the weird algorithm that
291
00:15:44.720 --> 00:15:47.899
dictates how much money we get from residuals has changed
292
00:15:48.379 --> 00:15:53.049
multiple times. And now it's much less money. And I'm
293
00:15:53.090 --> 00:15:54.929
not the same guy anymore. Now I'm like, hey.
294
00:15:56.879 --> 00:15:58.779
Where's my big, where's the money that I earned?
295
00:15:59.440 --> 00:15:59.620
Yeah.
296
00:16:01.440 --> 00:16:04.659
I'm glad we got a straight answer about that, Jason.
297
00:16:04.740 --> 00:16:06.879
As straight as we could have expected. I was trying
298
00:16:07.889 --> 00:16:09.830
to flap you, if I'm being totally honest.
299
00:16:10.990 --> 00:16:15.909
I try, because I've done videos about the economics of
300
00:16:15.990 --> 00:16:18.990
being an author, because I get lots of young authors
301
00:16:19.090 --> 00:16:22.879
asking me, like, well, how do you do it full-time? Like,
302
00:16:22.919 --> 00:16:24.700
how do you become... It's like, I've never been a
303
00:16:24.740 --> 00:16:28.519
full-time author. I've always had another day job. Either I
304
00:16:28.559 --> 00:16:30.600
worked at Cracked. As soon as I left Cracked, like
305
00:16:30.639 --> 00:16:32.299
a year and a half later, I started doing this
306
00:16:32.340 --> 00:16:35.440
short-form video stuff because I realized, oh, wait, the money
307
00:16:35.940 --> 00:16:40.220
doesn't work without another job. And that's the only reason
308
00:16:40.279 --> 00:16:42.740
I can do it. The book stuff becomes kind of
309
00:16:42.779 --> 00:16:48.779
like a vanity project because any advisor or consultant would say, look,
310
00:16:49.750 --> 00:16:52.750
Stop writing these stupid books. Nobody cares. You're reaching a
311
00:16:52.809 --> 00:16:55.830
tiny fraction of the number of people you reach with
312
00:16:55.870 --> 00:16:58.710
your videos. And instead, go out there and start getting
313
00:16:58.750 --> 00:17:02.490
those brand deals. Start where you hold up a skincare
314
00:17:02.730 --> 00:17:05.849
product or whatever. That's where the real money is. Start
315
00:17:06.289 --> 00:17:07.789
where you launch a line of.
316
00:17:07.849 --> 00:17:10.930
Merch with your logo.
317
00:17:11.839 --> 00:17:13.680
And I'm not doing any of that stuff. I'm just
318
00:17:13.700 --> 00:17:17.880
getting paid from the various companies, whatever their RPMs for products.
319
00:17:18.779 --> 00:17:20.079
reviews are but.
320
00:17:20.519 --> 00:17:23.420
Your career Jason has had a really similar trajectory to
321
00:17:24.180 --> 00:17:26.980
the father of American Dad which is Seth MacFarlane where
322
00:17:27.099 --> 00:17:30.440
he I don't think he enjoys comedy I don't think
323
00:17:30.480 --> 00:17:34.380
he enjoys doing adult animation I think that this was
324
00:17:34.460 --> 00:17:37.400
always something he was doing on the side that was
325
00:17:37.460 --> 00:17:39.829
making him money while he did his real passion which
326
00:17:39.869 --> 00:17:43.450
was crooning he was a singer and loves being a
327
00:17:43.470 --> 00:17:46.450
singer grew up in the age where like Frank Sinatra
328
00:17:46.490 --> 00:17:48.390
was the coolest guy in the world and he thought
329
00:17:49.089 --> 00:17:52.630
I want to be that. And then over time, whatever
330
00:17:52.690 --> 00:17:55.609
that was has since died. Basically you have like a
331
00:17:55.690 --> 00:17:57.750
Michael Buble now and like who, I don't know who
332
00:17:57.829 --> 00:18:02.849
else that's kind of James Groban adjacent. And, um, he
333
00:18:02.890 --> 00:18:05.869
still wants it. He wants that really badly. And, and
334
00:18:05.950 --> 00:18:08.109
then on the side, there's also just this comedy thing
335
00:18:08.130 --> 00:18:11.059
that's happening. And you have, you, I think probably from
336
00:18:11.099 --> 00:18:13.259
a young age wanted to be a novelist and how
337
00:18:13.339 --> 00:18:14.799
great that would be. And the idea of being a
338
00:18:14.839 --> 00:18:17.119
novelist now it's like, Well, you could be a novelist,
339
00:18:17.140 --> 00:18:18.680
but you need three other jobs if you're going to
340
00:18:18.720 --> 00:18:19.000
do that.
341
00:18:19.940 --> 00:18:22.640
Not just do you need three other jobs, that you
342
00:18:22.700 --> 00:18:26.089
need to have your face and your voice and your
343
00:18:26.289 --> 00:18:30.049
lifestyle out there. You need to become a social media influencer.
344
00:18:30.329 --> 00:18:33.809
And I am someone who was anonymous for the first
345
00:18:33.930 --> 00:18:36.619
decade of my writing career because my idea was you
346
00:18:36.640 --> 00:18:39.359
write the book and then you leave the house and
347
00:18:39.420 --> 00:18:42.519
nobody out there knows you are the famous book writer.
348
00:18:43.140 --> 00:18:47.109
The books out there It's its own separate thing. There's
349
00:18:47.140 --> 00:18:49.240
lots of my favorite authors. I don't know what they
350
00:18:49.289 --> 00:18:53.670
even look like. But that's not the way it works now.
351
00:18:54.950 --> 00:18:57.269
I'm sure there are some authors that if you're a superstar,
352
00:18:57.289 --> 00:19:00.609
you can do it. But it's like, no, you've got
353
00:19:00.670 --> 00:19:04.930
to be an influencer where the book is like the
354
00:19:04.990 --> 00:19:08.250
merch you're selling as an influencer. And that just wasn't
355
00:19:08.289 --> 00:19:10.750
my dream. And again, I get young people asking me,
356
00:19:11.559 --> 00:19:13.380
how can you, how do I do what you do?
357
00:19:13.420 --> 00:19:17.240
How can I be a full-time TikToker? It's like, that's,
358
00:19:17.619 --> 00:19:21.819
that's insane to aspire to that as, as a job.
359
00:19:22.200 --> 00:19:24.579
It is the, the, the amount of stuff you have
360
00:19:24.619 --> 00:19:27.220
to put out and everything. But I think everybody wants
361
00:19:27.259 --> 00:19:30.420
to do something else. Like Matt Berry sounds like the
362
00:19:30.440 --> 00:19:32.619
exact same deal that while we're doing the shadows guy,
363
00:19:32.640 --> 00:19:35.960
like he just wants to make his album. See, and like,
364
00:19:35.980 --> 00:19:38.740
some people listening don't even know he's a musician, but
365
00:19:38.769 --> 00:19:39.480
it's like, no, he's great.
366
00:19:40.529 --> 00:19:41.630
He's wonderful, yeah.
367
00:19:41.809 --> 00:19:43.640
But the comedy stuff and the fact that he has
368
00:19:43.680 --> 00:19:45.559
a funny voice, I don't think he knows that his
369
00:19:45.640 --> 00:19:47.970
voice is funny. I think he just noticed that people
370
00:19:49.170 --> 00:19:51.160
laughed when he talked. It was like, well, I'll do
371
00:19:51.200 --> 00:19:53.869
this to pay the bills while I pursue my music.
372
00:19:55.289 --> 00:20:01.690
I don't think people realize the degree to which every
373
00:20:01.930 --> 00:20:08.250
job is influencer and content creator now. Every arts, entertainment job.
374
00:20:08.640 --> 00:20:11.339
I know that a lot of people will complain about
375
00:20:11.839 --> 00:20:17.019
the podcast market, how it just seems so flooded with comedians.
376
00:20:17.079 --> 00:20:21.940
There's like 600 podcasts that are all the same couple
377
00:20:21.960 --> 00:20:26.160
of alt comedians talking with their buddies about being comedians.
378
00:20:26.779 --> 00:20:28.849
And you don't know if it's a cash grab or
379
00:20:28.869 --> 00:20:30.440
you don't know if it's just like circle jerk and
380
00:20:30.480 --> 00:20:33.170
waste of time. It's like, no, they need to do that.
381
00:20:33.390 --> 00:20:37.950
Like Mike Birbiglia... used to be able to be a
382
00:20:37.990 --> 00:20:45.970
successful standup comedian and rely on morning radio interviews and
383
00:20:46.029 --> 00:20:49.630
like late night TV spots to get attention, to get
384
00:20:49.670 --> 00:20:53.599
people to buy tickets. Those don't exist anymore. Those like
385
00:20:53.630 --> 00:20:57.339
those same avenues don't exist. You need to have a podcast,
386
00:20:57.779 --> 00:21:01.240
not even necessarily saying that like your podcast is going to,
387
00:21:01.259 --> 00:21:05.089
I don't know, the viewership on for Biglia's podcast or
388
00:21:05.190 --> 00:21:08.670
Anthony Justin's podcast or Jen Marco Cerisi's podcast. I don't
389
00:21:08.710 --> 00:21:12.799
know that it's like millions of, of people, but you
390
00:21:12.819 --> 00:21:15.740
need a podcast so you can cut clips of you
391
00:21:16.039 --> 00:21:20.279
being funny into a microphone. And those clips can live
392
00:21:20.579 --> 00:21:25.240
in 30 second increments on Instagram and Tik TOK and Facebook,
393
00:21:25.339 --> 00:21:27.240
because those are the things that people are going to see.
394
00:21:27.259 --> 00:21:30.269
And like, this person is funny. Oh, I, I, I
395
00:21:30.329 --> 00:21:33.430
see this Jen Marco guy. He's all over my feed.
396
00:21:34.549 --> 00:21:38.599
I've never listened or watched his podcast once. I just
397
00:21:38.619 --> 00:21:41.240
get like exactly what he and his social media team
398
00:21:41.279 --> 00:21:45.779
have like decided to feed me. And that's just the
399
00:21:46.240 --> 00:21:48.529
business now. The economics of the business is like, yeah,
400
00:21:48.549 --> 00:21:50.970
you need, if you want people to come, if you
401
00:21:50.990 --> 00:21:54.190
want 40 people to come to your little hole in
402
00:21:54.210 --> 00:21:56.329
the wall club in New York while you're working stuff out,
403
00:21:56.789 --> 00:21:58.390
then you need 100,000 people to.
404
00:21:58.390 --> 00:21:58.750
Be fed.
405
00:22:01.650 --> 00:22:04.069
Clips of you from your podcast that are just like
406
00:22:04.279 --> 00:22:04.950
cut up.
407
00:22:04.970 --> 00:22:07.819
It determines how you get, where you get booked too.
408
00:22:08.420 --> 00:22:10.859
There's a writer on our show who's a stand-up, Curtis Cook.
409
00:22:10.900 --> 00:22:13.680
Shout out to Curtis Cook who, as he travels around
410
00:22:13.700 --> 00:22:17.119
the country touring, doing stand-up, he's like, oh no, you can't,
411
00:22:17.579 --> 00:22:19.809
there's a base level of how many followers you have
412
00:22:19.829 --> 00:22:22.150
in your social media empire before they'll even book you
413
00:22:22.190 --> 00:22:24.710
at a show. So if they find out that a
414
00:22:24.750 --> 00:22:26.430
new comedian is coming, they're like, all right, well, let's
415
00:22:26.450 --> 00:22:30.720
take a look. Oh, you've only got 500,000 TikTok followers?
416
00:22:32.579 --> 00:22:35.619
Not here, sir. Why don't you try the ha-ha hole
417
00:22:35.640 --> 00:22:37.980
down the street? Like, you just can't get it. I
418
00:22:38.029 --> 00:22:38.670
can't get a job.
419
00:22:39.309 --> 00:22:43.089
But here's the thing. Then go to the Instagram of
420
00:22:43.250 --> 00:22:46.049
a cool new restaurant that's open in the city. And
421
00:22:46.109 --> 00:22:49.630
notice how they also are doing quirky short form video.
422
00:22:50.269 --> 00:22:54.390
And their bartender's got a funny little quirky thing. It's like, oh, hell,
423
00:22:54.470 --> 00:22:57.170
they also have to do short form. And you go
424
00:22:57.250 --> 00:23:00.390
to a hairdresser or you go to any little business
425
00:23:00.990 --> 00:23:05.470
and no, they've got their platform can't just be photos
426
00:23:05.549 --> 00:23:08.299
of their work. It's got to be, you go to
427
00:23:08.319 --> 00:23:10.779
a car dealership, they've got an Instagram page or it's
428
00:23:10.799 --> 00:23:14.619
not just here's Chevy Tahoe up for sale. It's like, no,
429
00:23:14.640 --> 00:23:17.390
they've got a funny little video of the guy doing
430
00:23:17.410 --> 00:23:21.910
a little bit around it because it's like, no, short
431
00:23:21.970 --> 00:23:27.269
form video is eating the world. Every job now requires it.
432
00:23:27.799 --> 00:23:31.380
A food critic will not get people into your restaurant
433
00:23:31.759 --> 00:23:37.059
the same way that a drink that is served with
434
00:23:37.099 --> 00:23:39.230
like a cloche over it that you pull open the
435
00:23:39.269 --> 00:23:42.910
cloche and smoke comes out or a Salt Bae adjacent
436
00:23:42.950 --> 00:23:45.890
character comes out and like does a fucking thing. That
437
00:23:45.930 --> 00:23:48.710
will get so many more asses in your restaurant than
438
00:23:49.130 --> 00:23:52.599
the world's most respected food critics saying, this is the
439
00:23:52.640 --> 00:23:54.920
best steak I've ever had in my life. You need
440
00:23:54.960 --> 00:24:02.259
those things. I think the degree that Instagram has transformed
441
00:24:02.319 --> 00:24:06.180
the whole world is really starting to, like, I start
442
00:24:06.200 --> 00:24:08.640
to see it everywhere. I see it in the food stuff.
443
00:24:08.799 --> 00:24:13.960
I see it where, like, every restaurant has, like, an
444
00:24:14.160 --> 00:24:18.319
ivy wall with some neon, uh, like photo spot.
445
00:24:18.480 --> 00:24:18.940
Yeah.
446
00:24:18.960 --> 00:24:22.210
A photo spot. And my, my wife and parents and
447
00:24:22.250 --> 00:24:25.269
our son went to a pumpkin patch this weekend. So
448
00:24:25.289 --> 00:24:26.569
we were like, Oh, it's fall. Let's go to a
449
00:24:26.589 --> 00:24:30.019
pumpkin patch. Let's have some cider. And there were, it,
450
00:24:30.589 --> 00:24:32.789
it was a pumpkin patch and there were animals and
451
00:24:32.809 --> 00:24:34.579
there were cider and donuts and all the things that
452
00:24:34.619 --> 00:24:38.039
you expect at a pumpkin patch, but also seven or eight,
453
00:24:38.140 --> 00:24:44.059
like very deliberate, uh, photo ops set up. There's like,
454
00:24:44.440 --> 00:24:46.269
Here is a big sign with a sunflower and it says,
455
00:24:46.289 --> 00:24:48.950
you are my sunshine. Here is a truck with a
456
00:24:48.950 --> 00:24:52.170
bunch of pumpkins on it. Everything was just like, this
457
00:24:52.690 --> 00:24:54.210
is very picturesque. You're going to want to put this
458
00:24:54.410 --> 00:24:56.480
on Instagram and then other people are going to see
459
00:24:56.500 --> 00:24:59.519
those pictures and say, I want a picture too. And
460
00:24:59.539 --> 00:25:02.079
you pay $ 20 to get into this pumpkin patch so
461
00:25:02.099 --> 00:25:05.160
you can take the fucking pictures like my family did.
462
00:25:05.450 --> 00:25:05.990
Like we did.
463
00:25:14.000 --> 00:25:15.880
If you post any clips of this, somebody in the
464
00:25:15.920 --> 00:25:17.359
comments is going to point out that I have a
465
00:25:17.579 --> 00:25:23.019
neon crab behind me. Sure. And it's holding a steak
466
00:25:23.079 --> 00:25:27.460
knife that I've taped to its claw as part of
467
00:25:27.500 --> 00:25:28.480
the book promotion.
468
00:25:29.460 --> 00:25:31.119
Oh, we should say the name of the book!
469
00:25:31.299 --> 00:25:33.069
Why don't you tell us about the book that you wrote?
470
00:25:33.089 --> 00:25:35.809
Tell us about the book. Yes, the new book is
471
00:25:36.009 --> 00:25:38.930
book five in the John Dies at the End series,
472
00:25:39.309 --> 00:25:43.880
titled There Are No Giant Crabs in This Novel. A
473
00:25:43.980 --> 00:25:49.809
Novel of Giant Crabs. The audio and the e-book are
474
00:25:49.930 --> 00:25:54.589
both out November 3rd. The hardcover has been delayed to
475
00:25:54.630 --> 00:26:00.250
December because there's a book shortage due to the tariffs
476
00:26:00.490 --> 00:26:04.259
on wood pulp from Canada, something I found out a
477
00:26:04.380 --> 00:26:07.099
couple of weeks before the books were supposed to be
478
00:26:07.180 --> 00:26:12.000
here after I spent an entire year promoting that release date.
479
00:26:12.609 --> 00:26:15.220
Don't get me started on that either. I know I'm
480
00:26:15.240 --> 00:26:17.579
the one who brought it up. But yes, if you
481
00:26:17.599 --> 00:26:20.819
go to Amazon and it says that the non-corporeal versions
482
00:26:20.920 --> 00:26:22.789
of the book are available right now, but if you
483
00:26:22.829 --> 00:26:24.789
want a physical one you can hold in your hand,
484
00:26:24.809 --> 00:26:27.630
you've got to wait until December 8th is the date
485
00:26:27.690 --> 00:26:31.380
they are pretty sure they can have them printed. That's why.
486
00:26:32.170 --> 00:26:35.240
We did tease this in our last episode because I
487
00:26:35.460 --> 00:26:38.059
was reading a little bit about it. Reading? Who am
488
00:26:38.079 --> 00:26:40.039
I trying to? I was watching a little bit of
489
00:26:40.079 --> 00:26:41.200
your TikTok about.
490
00:26:42.500 --> 00:26:42.599
It.
491
00:26:42.880 --> 00:26:46.380
I think we misrepresented. I said that your book was
492
00:26:46.420 --> 00:26:49.440
delayed because of the war, I think. So it's good
493
00:26:49.460 --> 00:26:52.259
to know that it's the tariffs. It's still, again, it's just.
494
00:26:52.559 --> 00:26:54.000
It's war adjacent.
495
00:26:54.200 --> 00:26:56.220
It's something completely out of your control.
496
00:26:56.839 --> 00:27:01.319
It's a combination of the tariffs and the high fuel prices. Because, again,
497
00:27:01.339 --> 00:27:03.299
people don't seem to get this. High gas prices is
498
00:27:03.380 --> 00:27:07.380
not just you pay more at the pump. It's everything
499
00:27:07.529 --> 00:27:12.269
in the world gets shipped 13 different times by diesel.
500
00:27:12.390 --> 00:27:15.329
Everything gets shipped from the factory to the warehouse and
501
00:27:15.349 --> 00:27:18.049
from warehouse to the distribution center and from there to
502
00:27:18.089 --> 00:27:22.970
the store. And so there's something where there's like, I
503
00:27:23.009 --> 00:27:25.329
tried to read articles about this and was not willing
504
00:27:25.369 --> 00:27:28.589
to educate myself in the making of paper products to
505
00:27:29.099 --> 00:27:32.099
get this in the weeds. But apparently there were, because
506
00:27:32.140 --> 00:27:34.660
of consolidation, there were like two companies left that printed
507
00:27:34.700 --> 00:27:37.220
books and then one of them pivoted to like printing
508
00:27:38.000 --> 00:27:42.500
wrapping paper or something because it's more profitable. Because the
509
00:27:42.940 --> 00:27:45.309
combination of the tariffs on the type of wood pulp
510
00:27:45.349 --> 00:27:50.910
they use to print book paper versus the high fuel costs,
511
00:27:51.069 --> 00:27:55.089
just the margins are so razor thin and there's one
512
00:27:55.150 --> 00:27:58.349
supplier because that's how like modern capitalism like to make
513
00:27:58.390 --> 00:28:02.170
everything hyper-efficient, there's like one supplier of everything and everything
514
00:28:02.210 --> 00:28:06.109
arrives just in time. And so if there's a disruption,
515
00:28:06.609 --> 00:28:09.990
if they get a little bit behind, and if they
516
00:28:10.029 --> 00:28:12.549
decide they can't make as much money, if this company
517
00:28:12.569 --> 00:28:14.849
decides they can't make enough money printing books and they stop,
518
00:28:15.210 --> 00:28:17.890
then all those orders only have one other place to go.
519
00:28:17.990 --> 00:28:20.619
And then now all of these release dates get pushed
520
00:28:20.700 --> 00:28:24.480
back and there you go. Yes. And again, not to
521
00:28:24.519 --> 00:28:27.609
get political, I know that the official position of the
522
00:28:27.650 --> 00:28:31.890
Quick Question podcast is that all political parties are exactly
523
00:28:31.990 --> 00:28:38.529
correct as each other. We cast no judgment. Yeah. If
524
00:28:38.569 --> 00:28:41.869
you could vote for every candidate simultaneously, you would. I
525
00:28:42.069 --> 00:28:43.369
think you've said that before.
526
00:28:43.829 --> 00:28:44.349
You should, actually.
527
00:28:44.369 --> 00:28:44.990
All the above.
528
00:28:45.269 --> 00:28:47.869
I like you. You must really love the country if
529
00:28:47.890 --> 00:28:50.190
you want to be president. You should get to be it.
530
00:28:50.329 --> 00:28:52.059
Because why else would you do it?
531
00:28:53.680 --> 00:28:55.420
Uh, well, so we talked about physical media being the
532
00:28:55.440 --> 00:28:58.170
only thing that's eternal now. And that's also a lie
533
00:28:58.450 --> 00:28:59.849
that you can't even, you can't even get in the
534
00:28:59.890 --> 00:29:00.269
first place.
535
00:29:00.589 --> 00:29:04.109
I love, I feel like we've, we've laid the groundwork
536
00:29:04.150 --> 00:29:06.730
that Jason, who is just a fellow who just wants to,
537
00:29:06.930 --> 00:29:09.809
to write his spooky books and make people laugh and
538
00:29:09.849 --> 00:29:12.849
make them, make them scared and make them pee and
539
00:29:12.890 --> 00:29:15.990
poop and shit and stuff. Uh, and he has been
540
00:29:16.049 --> 00:29:20.710
forced by circumstance to be a, uh, TikToker and an
541
00:29:20.809 --> 00:29:24.829
influencer and a content creator. Just to fulfill the book dream.
542
00:29:25.230 --> 00:29:29.059
And now it looks like you're going to have to
543
00:29:29.099 --> 00:29:33.980
go and broker some peace and end some wars and
544
00:29:34.539 --> 00:29:38.670
settle this whole tariff situation just so you can write
545
00:29:38.690 --> 00:29:39.990
your books. Yeah, listen, if you want to.
546
00:29:40.160 --> 00:29:42.680
You personally will have to go through. You got to
547
00:29:42.700 --> 00:29:47.019
be a politician first. You got to solve some problems
548
00:29:47.059 --> 00:29:48.539
in the world before you can even write your book.
549
00:29:49.240 --> 00:29:52.220
I can't even claim to be like a true victim
550
00:29:52.259 --> 00:29:54.220
in all of this because the articles that went around.
551
00:29:54.240 --> 00:29:54.680
Oh, sure you can.
552
00:29:55.309 --> 00:29:58.390
The articles that went around about this were when I guess...
553
00:29:59.869 --> 00:30:04.210
when they announced the Man Booker Prize nominees, which I
554
00:30:04.269 --> 00:30:09.890
still prefer the term author, but those are books that,
555
00:30:10.559 --> 00:30:13.359
I don't know if you realize this, but writing fine
556
00:30:13.420 --> 00:30:17.880
literature in America is not a get-rich-quick path. Those books
557
00:30:17.960 --> 00:30:22.240
tend to sell a couple thousand copies until the awards
558
00:30:22.339 --> 00:30:25.960
come in. That's when they will sell 50, 100,000 copies.
559
00:30:25.980 --> 00:30:28.509
So what happened was those nominees came out, And then
560
00:30:28.589 --> 00:30:32.410
all of these bookstores started ordering all of these great
561
00:30:32.490 --> 00:30:36.319
works of literature. And we're told, oh, hell no, those
562
00:30:36.359 --> 00:30:39.099
are months away. Because they're like, no, people are going
563
00:30:39.119 --> 00:30:41.660
to be coming and asking for them. They're like, no,
564
00:30:41.740 --> 00:30:44.799
we're totally unprepared for this. Those are going to freaking
565
00:30:44.839 --> 00:30:49.380
arrive in 2029 or whatever. So those are actual, I
566
00:30:49.440 --> 00:30:54.769
can't complain that this Pulitzer nominee decision can't get printed
567
00:30:54.789 --> 00:30:56.470
for the people who want to read it, and that, no,
568
00:30:56.509 --> 00:30:59.170
you should instead print a book called There Are No
569
00:30:59.289 --> 00:31:02.349
Giant Crabs in This Novel, a novel of giant crabs,
570
00:31:02.650 --> 00:31:05.019
that would literally be a hate crime for me to
571
00:31:05.119 --> 00:31:07.740
ask them to do that. So I get it. I
572
00:31:07.779 --> 00:31:09.980
get why I'm not their priority if they're having to
573
00:31:10.039 --> 00:31:12.519
do triage on what books get printed first.
574
00:31:13.819 --> 00:31:16.200
I don't know.
575
00:31:16.720 --> 00:31:20.839
If there's one thing that's been a consistent, strong theme
576
00:31:20.920 --> 00:31:25.150
on this show, is that you can always complain. You
577
00:31:25.190 --> 00:31:29.339
should never feel bad about your problems. Soren and I
578
00:31:29.380 --> 00:31:32.259
haven't had a real problem in 15 years.
579
00:31:32.359 --> 00:31:35.420
This is a safe place to air your grievances.
580
00:31:36.200 --> 00:31:42.059
But we didn't come here to talk about the real
581
00:31:42.099 --> 00:31:43.059
victims in America.
582
00:31:44.299 --> 00:31:45.019
Us. Us.
583
00:31:46.140 --> 00:31:47.619
We came here to talk about, Soren, what did you
584
00:31:47.640 --> 00:31:48.259
want to talk about?
585
00:31:48.599 --> 00:31:50.039
I have a quick question. I don't know if I
586
00:31:50.059 --> 00:31:51.960
brought it up on the show before, Have I told
587
00:31:52.000 --> 00:31:54.819
you guys the Super Bowl Tom Cruise story before?
588
00:31:56.220 --> 00:31:59.079
You have told me. Jason, have you heard this? And
589
00:31:59.140 --> 00:32:00.740
I have told many people.
590
00:32:01.720 --> 00:32:03.789
Okay. Did he tell it to you in private or
591
00:32:03.809 --> 00:32:05.420
did he tell it to you for the audience of
592
00:32:05.480 --> 00:32:05.940
this show?
593
00:32:06.170 --> 00:32:07.279
I'm wondering if I told it.
594
00:32:07.349 --> 00:32:10.109
Or do you remember whether or not that conversation happened
595
00:32:10.170 --> 00:32:11.349
in private or on the show?
596
00:32:11.630 --> 00:32:12.569
No, not anymore.
597
00:32:12.750 --> 00:32:15.549
This podcast is based around a friendship and this is
598
00:32:15.589 --> 00:32:16.170
where we talk.
599
00:32:16.569 --> 00:32:17.740
And then after that, I.
600
00:32:18.180 --> 00:32:20.900
I have no idea if we just texted each other
601
00:32:21.019 --> 00:32:24.680
or if it happened on the show. Ultimately, I want
602
00:32:24.700 --> 00:32:26.670
to talk about some celebrities today, but I want to
603
00:32:26.710 --> 00:32:30.769
talk about one celebrity in particular that I think has
604
00:32:30.809 --> 00:32:35.349
a lot of room to run in a conversation. And good,
605
00:32:35.410 --> 00:32:40.880
because Tom Cruise loves running. Tom Cruise is an alien person,
606
00:32:41.079 --> 00:32:43.859
but in order to set the stage for what type
607
00:32:43.880 --> 00:32:45.420
of person this is, I want to tell a quick
608
00:32:45.460 --> 00:32:48.680
story that was told to me by someone I'm not
609
00:32:48.700 --> 00:32:52.259
going to name, but somebody that I trust in the industry,
610
00:32:53.099 --> 00:32:56.619
when he was working on Tropic Thunder, he found out
611
00:32:56.680 --> 00:32:58.549
that one of the crew members was going to have
612
00:32:58.640 --> 00:33:02.329
a Super Bowl party. And he wanted to go to it,
613
00:33:02.450 --> 00:33:03.230
but he didn't.
614
00:33:03.470 --> 00:33:04.130
Know how to ask.
615
00:33:04.289 --> 00:33:07.269
And so he had his assistant go up to the
616
00:33:07.309 --> 00:33:09.390
person who was having the party, a grip or somebody,
617
00:33:09.410 --> 00:33:12.009
and they were like, hey, Tom would really like to
618
00:33:12.150 --> 00:33:15.410
attend your party. And the guy was like, yeah, obviously. Yeah,
619
00:33:15.430 --> 00:33:19.410
that's fine. Yeah, he can come. Tom Cruise showed up
620
00:33:19.789 --> 00:33:22.730
at halftime carrying a football.
621
00:33:24.130 --> 00:33:27.609
And came in. And everyone, it was this guy. And
622
00:33:27.630 --> 00:33:29.390
here's where you think the story can't get better.
623
00:33:29.410 --> 00:33:34.109
This guy had all of his friends there. And so
624
00:33:34.130 --> 00:33:35.730
these other crew members, and they were all boys. And
625
00:33:36.049 --> 00:33:39.390
then there was Tom Cruise. And Tom Cruise came in.
626
00:33:39.529 --> 00:33:41.210
And at one point, they were all kind of talking.
627
00:33:41.250 --> 00:33:43.569
They had warmed up to him. They were each talking
628
00:33:43.769 --> 00:33:46.970
and complaining about their wives in some capacity, probably in
629
00:33:47.019 --> 00:33:50.890
relationship to watching the game. And the conversation lulled, and
630
00:33:50.930 --> 00:33:55.150
then Tom Cruise goes, you know the best part about
631
00:33:55.210 --> 00:34:02.210
having a wife, though? Fucking the missus. And everyone just
632
00:34:02.529 --> 00:34:07.630
stared at him because they weren't sure at that point
633
00:34:07.650 --> 00:34:10.190
if they were dealing with a real human being or not.
634
00:34:12.250 --> 00:34:16.030
He had listened to the conversation, and he had done
635
00:34:16.070 --> 00:34:17.719
a heat check on the room and was like, you
636
00:34:17.739 --> 00:34:20.070
know what these guys need to hear? How fun it
637
00:34:20.110 --> 00:34:20.989
is to fuck your wife.
638
00:34:21.090 --> 00:34:25.960
What are the positives of marriage? What would a man
639
00:34:26.059 --> 00:34:27.679
think the positives of marriage are?
640
00:34:27.699 --> 00:34:28.019
The mating.
641
00:34:28.340 --> 00:34:28.639
I know.
642
00:34:29.000 --> 00:34:29.400
The mating.
643
00:34:29.500 --> 00:34:31.119
But I won't phrase it that way.
644
00:34:31.139 --> 00:34:31.750
They won't like it.
645
00:34:31.900 --> 00:34:34.809
I've done that before. How do they like to hear it?
646
00:34:36.050 --> 00:34:37.110
The fucking.
647
00:34:37.329 --> 00:34:39.969
That's what they like. Fucking the missus.
648
00:34:40.650 --> 00:34:43.110
So both of you work in showbiz. Have either of
649
00:34:43.170 --> 00:34:46.409
you ever been in the same building as Tom Cruise
650
00:34:46.769 --> 00:34:47.710
that you know about? No.
651
00:34:48.250 --> 00:34:48.329
No.
652
00:34:50.000 --> 00:34:52.519
If you had to calculate the odds that you will
653
00:34:52.599 --> 00:34:56.300
someday be in the same building as Tom Cruise, because
654
00:34:56.340 --> 00:34:59.849
it's not zero, where would you each put it?
655
00:35:01.710 --> 00:35:04.449
I would put it north of 50% for sure. I
656
00:35:04.510 --> 00:35:10.690
think 60% chance is a fairly conservative.
657
00:35:10.690 --> 00:35:13.030
60% chance that you will someday be in the same
658
00:35:13.070 --> 00:35:14.170
room as him or the same building as him?
659
00:35:14.179 --> 00:35:14.969
Same building, yeah.
660
00:35:15.760 --> 00:35:20.539
I'd say probably... Because people record all the time. Stars
661
00:35:20.559 --> 00:35:22.639
will come and not necessarily record for American Dad, but
662
00:35:22.659 --> 00:35:24.960
they'll record for Family Guy or the new Stewie show.
663
00:35:25.559 --> 00:35:27.380
And they can get some high level people. So I
664
00:35:27.400 --> 00:35:29.659
guess there's, I'd say like, yeah, like a 60 or
665
00:35:29.659 --> 00:35:31.219
70% chance that at some point he would be in
666
00:35:31.260 --> 00:35:31.699
that building.
667
00:35:32.579 --> 00:35:35.429
Okay. So we will, we'll try to keep this in
668
00:35:35.510 --> 00:35:37.469
bounds because I don't want either of you to get
669
00:35:37.610 --> 00:35:41.809
attacked by Tom Cruise anymore. Because I think that would
670
00:35:41.869 --> 00:35:45.730
be a very strange experience, and I personally wouldn't know
671
00:35:45.769 --> 00:35:49.059
how to react in that situation. But not only do
672
00:35:49.139 --> 00:35:52.840
I think Tom Cruise is the most interesting celebrity to me,
673
00:35:53.400 --> 00:35:58.179
Tom Cruise is the only celebrity I find interesting. There
674
00:35:58.280 --> 00:36:00.960
is no other actor that I would find it, because
675
00:36:01.000 --> 00:36:03.159
people would ask me, wouldn't you be interested to meet
676
00:36:03.619 --> 00:36:06.090
Jeremy Strong or somebody? It's like, no, not really. I
677
00:36:06.269 --> 00:36:09.630
pretty much can guess what they're like. Tom Cruise, I
678
00:36:09.750 --> 00:36:13.050
could not fathom what he is like when he is
679
00:36:13.130 --> 00:36:17.670
by himself and just screwing around in his spare time,
680
00:36:17.710 --> 00:36:18.730
what he does for fun.
681
00:36:20.190 --> 00:36:22.599
That is the thing. What does he do for fun?
682
00:36:23.360 --> 00:36:27.579
And I know, because I'm similarly fascinated by Tom Cruise
683
00:36:27.619 --> 00:36:29.539
and have been for a very long time, because of
684
00:36:29.579 --> 00:36:34.429
the story that Soren told is not an outlier. There
685
00:36:34.530 --> 00:36:38.730
are a thousand really strange stories about Tom Cruise. Some
686
00:36:38.769 --> 00:36:41.190
of them I don't think are meant to come out.
687
00:36:41.650 --> 00:36:44.289
And some of them are intentional, like part of his lore.
688
00:36:44.630 --> 00:36:49.929
But they're all similarly bizarre and alien. I do want
689
00:36:49.949 --> 00:36:55.679
to throw in a quick caveat that I have willfully
690
00:36:55.800 --> 00:37:02.619
let my love for Tom Cruise go unexamined. There's a
691
00:37:02.719 --> 00:37:06.210
lot of stuff with him and Scientology that I don't
692
00:37:06.289 --> 00:37:09.989
know the details of and that I know are bad.
693
00:37:10.550 --> 00:37:14.269
And I know that if I... I didn't see that documentary.
694
00:37:14.750 --> 00:37:18.949
I know broadly Scientology is a cult that preys on
695
00:37:19.010 --> 00:37:23.150
rich idiots. I know if I do a little tiny
696
00:37:23.210 --> 00:37:27.019
bit of digging, I will find... Digger. Something that is
697
00:37:27.059 --> 00:37:31.420
like Tom Cruise's ties to this guy that are really,
698
00:37:31.460 --> 00:37:34.760
really bad. And the reason that I haven't looked into
699
00:37:34.820 --> 00:37:37.219
it is because I know I'm going to find something bad.
700
00:37:37.639 --> 00:37:40.179
And it's going to complicate my love of Tom Cruise,
701
00:37:40.219 --> 00:37:44.650
the movie star, and Tom Cruise, the alien person. So
702
00:37:44.989 --> 00:37:48.969
just in the comments, getting ahead of this, don't come
703
00:37:49.030 --> 00:37:51.489
at me. I don't co-sign the bad stuff that he
704
00:37:51.510 --> 00:37:54.090
did because I don't know what it is. I'm keeping
705
00:37:54.130 --> 00:37:55.269
myself in the dark on that.
706
00:37:55.849 --> 00:37:57.969
Because you want to enjoy Edge of Tomorrow, and you
707
00:37:57.989 --> 00:38:01.289
want to watch War of the Worlds again and be like,
708
00:38:01.309 --> 00:38:02.730
you know what? This movie's not so bad.
709
00:38:03.050 --> 00:38:05.570
Yeah, just someone next to me is traumatized and crying
710
00:38:05.590 --> 00:38:07.260
because they see Tom Cruise, and I'm like, they filmed
711
00:38:07.280 --> 00:38:08.599
this in Bayonne, New Jersey, you know?
712
00:38:10.239 --> 00:38:13.360
That's pretty cool, right? There was a thread, I think
713
00:38:13.440 --> 00:38:16.119
on Reddit, or maybe it was Twitter, who can say,
714
00:38:16.440 --> 00:38:19.139
where they were asking if it came out later that
715
00:38:19.260 --> 00:38:23.699
a celebrity was secretly a serial killer. Who, if you
716
00:38:23.739 --> 00:38:25.179
had to guess, who would it be? And it was
717
00:38:25.199 --> 00:38:27.860
just Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise, Tom. There was
718
00:38:27.920 --> 00:38:30.639
no second guess. It was all just, oh no, if
719
00:38:30.699 --> 00:38:32.869
Tom Cruise, if it turned out they, when he passes
720
00:38:32.929 --> 00:38:36.289
away and they go to his estate and there's 68
721
00:38:36.289 --> 00:38:41.409
bodies there of people, of street people he has killed
722
00:38:41.590 --> 00:38:44.170
over time, they would just like, that would not faze
723
00:38:44.210 --> 00:38:46.320
me one bit. I would not even blink back. Yeah,
724
00:38:46.360 --> 00:38:50.500
that tracks. It's something like that. Or, but then again-
725
00:38:51.960 --> 00:38:56.090
Every like behind the scenes story for the last 20
726
00:38:56.090 --> 00:38:58.730
or so years about Tom Cruise, where it is, whether
727
00:38:58.750 --> 00:39:00.869
it's from another famous person or whether it is from
728
00:39:00.909 --> 00:39:05.590
a crew member, is like he is the most generous,
729
00:39:06.449 --> 00:39:09.679
kind person. There are stories of like production assistants getting
730
00:39:09.739 --> 00:39:12.480
stuck on an elevator with him, but they're there with
731
00:39:12.539 --> 00:39:16.079
like their clipboard and their crap and they're like trying to,
732
00:39:16.119 --> 00:39:19.300
and Tom is like, no, what's your name? Now, what
733
00:39:19.320 --> 00:39:21.219
do you want to do? Are you wanting to produce?
734
00:39:21.340 --> 00:39:22.960
And then they're like, yeah, I want to produce. And
735
00:39:23.019 --> 00:39:24.960
it's like, here's what you need to do. You need
736
00:39:24.980 --> 00:39:27.250
to pay attention to this. You need to learn about this, this,
737
00:39:27.269 --> 00:39:28.769
and this. And then what you want to do from
738
00:39:28.789 --> 00:39:32.059
there is you need to kind somebody, like just giving
739
00:39:32.099 --> 00:39:37.070
him an education for free on the fly. And there
740
00:39:37.090 --> 00:39:38.809
was that story that came out where I think it
741
00:39:38.829 --> 00:39:41.030
was like Glenn Powell or Tom Cruise made him a
742
00:39:41.150 --> 00:39:46.400
six-hour video on filmmaking. Walking him through lenses and editing
743
00:39:46.420 --> 00:39:48.079
and stuff, all the stuff you're going to need to
744
00:39:48.099 --> 00:39:50.199
know if you want to take more control of a set.
745
00:39:50.769 --> 00:39:53.250
Because that's Tom Cruise's thing now. He knows the exact
746
00:39:53.329 --> 00:39:56.630
model of the camera, the lights. He knows what kind
747
00:39:56.670 --> 00:40:02.409
of cables you're running. It's all very positive stuff, but...
748
00:40:03.500 --> 00:40:06.039
It wasn't always like that. There was a time when
749
00:40:06.099 --> 00:40:08.099
he would like, you know, he was kind of a
750
00:40:08.139 --> 00:40:09.860
jerk and he was kind of a diva. And if
751
00:40:09.900 --> 00:40:12.139
you stepped over the line or you got when he
752
00:40:12.179 --> 00:40:14.940
was with Nicole Kidman or when people were asking him
753
00:40:15.000 --> 00:40:16.920
about the breakup or whatever, and he would just like
754
00:40:17.579 --> 00:40:22.050
get nasty with them. And since like 2005 or so,
755
00:40:22.150 --> 00:40:26.230
I guess the Oprah couch incident. Yeah. He has just
756
00:40:26.269 --> 00:40:34.429
decided I have to become normal guy. And I, a
757
00:40:34.550 --> 00:40:39.889
crazy person, am going to have to become not crazy person.
758
00:40:40.449 --> 00:40:43.409
And I think that's a phenomenon that is largely unknown
759
00:40:43.489 --> 00:40:46.389
to science. Well, yeah.
760
00:40:46.429 --> 00:40:49.769
It's all PR, I think. We did a lot of
761
00:40:49.789 --> 00:40:52.630
sponsored content when we were at Cracked. And it was
762
00:40:52.650 --> 00:40:54.909
always rough. And you'd have to, basically, somebody would come
763
00:40:54.929 --> 00:40:56.480
to you and they'd be like, hey, this movie's coming out.
764
00:40:56.539 --> 00:40:59.960
Can you write a piece that's similar, in the same vein,
765
00:41:00.199 --> 00:41:01.760
as this movie that's coming out? And then we would
766
00:41:01.780 --> 00:41:05.380
just in the introduction, talk about the movie. That's what
767
00:41:05.440 --> 00:41:08.340
feels like it's happening at every turn with content online
768
00:41:08.380 --> 00:41:10.940
regarding Tom Cruise. Because if you were to go look
769
00:41:10.960 --> 00:41:13.239
for crazy stories of Tom Cruise, and there are so many,
770
00:41:14.559 --> 00:41:16.800
what you're going to find instead is look at all
771
00:41:16.840 --> 00:41:19.880
the crazy action stuff he's done. There's so many stunts
772
00:41:20.000 --> 00:41:22.119
that he's capable of doing and did. Do you want
773
00:41:22.139 --> 00:41:25.110
to read about all of those? And then there's other
774
00:41:25.119 --> 00:41:28.550
stuff where it's like a piece of news will come
775
00:41:28.590 --> 00:41:31.250
out about him, like the pain cave. Do you know
776
00:41:31.269 --> 00:41:32.090
what the pain cave is?
777
00:41:33.460 --> 00:41:36.559
I of course do, but yeah, please tell the audience. Okay.
778
00:41:36.599 --> 00:41:38.940
So for all of you at the dark out there.
779
00:41:38.960 --> 00:41:42.880
It's not as bad as what you're picturing. Some of
780
00:41:42.920 --> 00:41:46.199
you are immediately imagining Tom Cruise's pain cave. It's not that.
781
00:41:47.219 --> 00:41:50.340
It's not the pain cave that, yeah. It's not where
782
00:41:50.360 --> 00:41:55.679
the bodies were created. The pain cave is where Tom Cruise,
783
00:41:55.719 --> 00:41:58.699
when he travels on set, he brings with him a
784
00:41:58.760 --> 00:42:01.320
mobile gym and he calls it the pain cave. and
785
00:42:01.360 --> 00:42:03.530
there's a sign on the front of it that says,
786
00:42:04.309 --> 00:42:09.329
only the motivated may enter. Just some real 12-year-old shit.
787
00:42:09.909 --> 00:42:14.190
And when news of the pain cave comes out, all
788
00:42:14.210 --> 00:42:16.750
of a sudden there's a flurry of articles that are
789
00:42:16.829 --> 00:42:19.150
just about the pain cave that are all unrelated to
790
00:42:19.230 --> 00:42:21.989
one another. Like a press release went out that was like, hey,
791
00:42:22.010 --> 00:42:24.619
here's a new fun fact about Tom Cruise, the pain cave.
792
00:42:24.960 --> 00:42:26.400
And then all of a sudden you've got Jake Johnson
793
00:42:26.440 --> 00:42:27.739
talking about it on the set of The Mummy, and
794
00:42:27.760 --> 00:42:29.550
he's like, oh yeah, he brought me to the pain cave.
795
00:42:29.570 --> 00:42:31.989
He was really excited to teach me how to work out.
796
00:42:32.429 --> 00:42:35.210
And you've got people that are unrelated to one another
797
00:42:35.269 --> 00:42:37.690
all of a sudden talking about the pain cave. And
798
00:42:37.710 --> 00:42:42.010
it's like, okay, something happened here. This was released to
799
00:42:42.050 --> 00:42:45.250
the wild and everyone was allowed to have this one story.
800
00:42:51.989 --> 00:42:54.389
I want to push back a little bit on Jason's
801
00:42:54.449 --> 00:42:58.719
theory that he has decided to be normal and do
802
00:42:58.780 --> 00:43:03.980
his best being normal. I think he has decided instead,
803
00:43:04.039 --> 00:43:05.719
I think he knows that normal is out of reach.
804
00:43:06.380 --> 00:43:08.539
I think he decided that the safest thing for him
805
00:43:08.579 --> 00:43:13.159
to do is be Mr. Movies, be the president of
806
00:43:13.199 --> 00:43:18.599
Hollywood and be like, he got in a lab and
807
00:43:18.760 --> 00:43:24.969
figured out what people think Tom Cruise is supposed to
808
00:43:25.010 --> 00:43:28.329
be like. And he is doing that as hard as
809
00:43:28.369 --> 00:43:32.050
he can everywhere he goes. Every interview, every interaction you
810
00:43:32.090 --> 00:43:36.320
hear about him, it seems like he is just, he
811
00:43:36.380 --> 00:43:39.699
has read a book report about Tom Cruise as nice
812
00:43:40.500 --> 00:43:43.360
Hollywood action guy and is like, okay, I'm going to
813
00:43:43.400 --> 00:43:47.119
just give that to everybody. When you see interviews with
814
00:43:47.159 --> 00:43:49.719
Tom Cruise and they ask him questions, like there was this,
815
00:43:50.449 --> 00:43:51.570
one of the reasons we want to talk about this
816
00:43:51.590 --> 00:43:53.929
is there was a GQ profile that came out of
817
00:43:53.969 --> 00:43:56.260
him this year in promotion of the movie Digger. And
818
00:43:56.280 --> 00:43:59.070
he never sits down for long profiles anymore. So it
819
00:43:59.090 --> 00:44:03.170
was a rarity. And this profile is fucking nothing. An
820
00:44:03.190 --> 00:44:06.070
interviewer sat with him for days and lived his life
821
00:44:06.110 --> 00:44:09.150
with him. And there was just nothing of substance in
822
00:44:09.190 --> 00:44:14.610
this whole thing. And the interviewer asked some questions. That
823
00:44:14.630 --> 00:44:16.739
whole thing, almost none of the questions are good. But
824
00:44:16.820 --> 00:44:19.860
one of them was like, what do you do in
825
00:44:19.900 --> 00:44:23.420
your downtime, Tom Cruise? This is a question that is
826
00:44:23.519 --> 00:44:27.059
not about movies. It's not about your... your process. It
827
00:44:27.099 --> 00:44:29.059
is just like, there are no movies right now, Tom.
828
00:44:29.960 --> 00:44:32.300
What do you do in your downtime? And he is
829
00:44:32.320 --> 00:44:35.679
just like, I think about the next movie. It's always
830
00:44:35.719 --> 00:44:39.420
about the next movie. I'm preparing. The answer was something insane.
831
00:44:39.440 --> 00:44:41.159
Like I'm preparing for the next movie. It's always about
832
00:44:41.179 --> 00:44:43.679
the next movie. And like the premise of the question
833
00:44:43.739 --> 00:44:46.739
is there isn't another movie. There's no, what are you doing?
834
00:44:47.179 --> 00:44:50.199
And like the thing that I come back to is,
835
00:44:51.489 --> 00:44:54.670
is that a bullshit answer to the question because he's
836
00:44:54.710 --> 00:44:58.159
being Mr. Movie's and that's the only thing he wants
837
00:44:58.179 --> 00:44:59.940
people to know about him is that he loves movies
838
00:44:59.960 --> 00:45:04.239
and that he's single-handedly keeping the movie industry afloat with
839
00:45:04.280 --> 00:45:07.219
his big stunty movies. Is that his line that he's feeding?
840
00:45:07.780 --> 00:45:12.590
Or is it true? Does he go home in between
841
00:45:12.630 --> 00:45:15.690
movies and sit in a hotel room or a castle
842
00:45:15.769 --> 00:45:18.829
or wherever the fuck he lives, a bunker, and does
843
00:45:18.869 --> 00:45:22.460
he just sit and prepare for the next movie? Does
844
00:45:22.480 --> 00:45:24.659
he look at his to-do list in the morning? And
845
00:45:24.719 --> 00:45:29.070
box one is human breakfast. And box two is pain cave.
846
00:45:29.510 --> 00:45:32.929
And box three is skincare. And box four is prepare
847
00:45:32.969 --> 00:45:34.989
for movie. And then he just goes into a room
848
00:45:35.050 --> 00:45:37.750
and he sits in a chair and like vibrates thinking
849
00:45:37.809 --> 00:45:41.969
about movies. I believe it. I believe either thing. I
850
00:45:41.989 --> 00:45:44.250
believe it's a lie or it's the truth. And he
851
00:45:44.329 --> 00:45:47.239
is just like blocked off three hours every day thinking
852
00:45:47.300 --> 00:45:50.000
about the next movie, whatever that means to him.
853
00:45:50.969 --> 00:45:53.380
And there are guys who reach that age when that's
854
00:45:53.409 --> 00:45:56.079
all they're doing. It's just, I've given up. I don't
855
00:45:56.119 --> 00:45:58.980
see my kids anymore. I don't have, you know, I'm
856
00:45:59.000 --> 00:46:01.480
not dating. It's just, I'm going to throw myself into
857
00:46:01.519 --> 00:46:04.619
my work and that's it. But, but also in that interview,
858
00:46:04.639 --> 00:46:08.090
that same one, the guy asked the question that Tom Cruise,
859
00:46:08.550 --> 00:46:10.550
this used to be part of Tom Cruise's lore, which
860
00:46:10.610 --> 00:46:13.610
is that he went to 15 schools in 16 years
861
00:46:13.809 --> 00:46:17.480
as a kid because his dad was was constantly, it
862
00:46:17.539 --> 00:46:19.909
wasn't in the military, he was constantly getting fired and
863
00:46:19.929 --> 00:46:23.389
having to flee the city he was in for, he
864
00:46:23.429 --> 00:46:28.210
was a dirtbag. In 2006, interview with Parade, when that
865
00:46:28.289 --> 00:46:30.409
question gets asked about moving around a lot and his
866
00:46:30.449 --> 00:46:33.829
relationship with his dad, Tom Cruise says of his father,
867
00:46:34.269 --> 00:46:37.150
he was a bully and a coward. He was the
868
00:46:37.170 --> 00:46:39.929
kind of person where if something goes wrong, they kick you.
869
00:46:40.610 --> 00:46:42.179
There was a great lesson in my life, how he
870
00:46:42.219 --> 00:46:44.780
would lull you in, make you feel safe, and then bang,
871
00:46:45.730 --> 00:46:48.090
For me, it was like, there's something wrong with this guy.
872
00:46:48.230 --> 00:46:51.550
Don't trust him. Be careful around him. There's that anxiety.
873
00:46:52.849 --> 00:46:56.840
In this interview, when he asked him, Tom, you moved
874
00:46:56.880 --> 00:46:59.159
around a lot. You went to 15 schools in 16
875
00:46:59.159 --> 00:47:02.340
years trying to get him to talk about his father,
876
00:47:03.280 --> 00:47:08.000
his answer, quote, in this interview. My mother was from Kentucky,
877
00:47:08.300 --> 00:47:12.070
very respectful of people. I like to help people. I
878
00:47:12.110 --> 00:47:14.239
like to see people do well in life. Ha ha ha.
879
00:47:15.039 --> 00:47:17.059
And I had a secret thing I had for myself,
880
00:47:17.119 --> 00:47:20.719
which is always leave something better. We lived in rented houses.
881
00:47:20.760 --> 00:47:23.280
So it was always like, make sure the room is nicer,
882
00:47:23.519 --> 00:47:26.260
the classroom, whatever it is. I always had a secret
883
00:47:26.280 --> 00:47:28.119
thing of, I want to improve things. I want to
884
00:47:28.159 --> 00:47:31.809
improve myself, but not at the detriment of others. So
885
00:47:31.869 --> 00:47:34.289
I'm always looking, I guess, for what is the greatest
886
00:47:34.309 --> 00:47:39.469
amount of creation and the least amount of destruction. Nothing
887
00:47:39.630 --> 00:47:42.469
about his father, his mother, his living situation, where he
888
00:47:42.510 --> 00:47:46.010
lived- what cities he was in, and every question is
889
00:47:46.050 --> 00:47:48.199
like that. Later on, he asks him, do you fear death?
890
00:47:48.460 --> 00:47:52.219
And he gives a long block of text that's like,
891
00:47:52.699 --> 00:47:54.900
I look at life as an adventure. I always have,
892
00:47:54.980 --> 00:47:57.360
my whole life. I want to understand people. I want
893
00:47:57.389 --> 00:48:02.570
to understand life and cultures, and just on and on
894
00:48:02.909 --> 00:48:05.289
and on. He, in 2006, 2007, after the Oprah stuff
895
00:48:05.329 --> 00:48:08.329
and after the Scientology stuff, and I think that video...
896
00:48:08.730 --> 00:48:11.309
that came about, the one from the Scientology where he's
897
00:48:11.329 --> 00:48:13.829
talking about the psychiatry and he had the metal on. Yeah,
898
00:48:13.949 --> 00:48:16.960
you're being glib. You're being glib, yeah. Like, that was 2008,
899
00:48:16.949 --> 00:48:19.590
something like that, I think. From that point on, he
900
00:48:19.679 --> 00:48:22.980
built a wall around himself. And it's like, from here
901
00:48:23.059 --> 00:48:27.699
on out, you get nothing. And also, that was the
902
00:48:27.760 --> 00:48:33.300
point where he stopped making interesting movies. Because again, in 1999,
903
00:48:33.300 --> 00:48:39.449
he does Magnolia. Tom Cruise wrote that part Frank T.J. Mackey,
904
00:48:39.510 --> 00:48:42.070
that's not who he is on the page. Tom Cruise
905
00:48:42.150 --> 00:48:44.889
came up with that outfit. All those rants about the
906
00:48:44.929 --> 00:48:48.969
women and stuff, Tom Cruise wrote those. The bedside rant
907
00:48:49.010 --> 00:48:51.829
where he goes and sees his dying father, Tom Cruise
908
00:48:51.849 --> 00:48:56.409
wrote that about his own father. Where he's like crying
909
00:48:56.469 --> 00:48:59.030
and saying, he's like, I hope it hurts, you cocksucker.
910
00:48:59.050 --> 00:49:00.190
I hope it hurts.
911
00:49:00.710 --> 00:49:03.869
That was Tom Cruise talking to his dad. Once upon
912
00:49:03.909 --> 00:49:08.360
a time, he would say that in interviews. Paul Thomas Anderson,
913
00:49:09.179 --> 00:49:11.159
he writes this very different character on the page. And
914
00:49:11.219 --> 00:49:13.559
on the page, the guy is wearing khakis and a
915
00:49:13.579 --> 00:49:16.289
polo shirt. And Tom Cruise is like, no, no, no. No,
916
00:49:16.389 --> 00:49:18.769
that's not who this guy is. Tom Cruise in his
917
00:49:18.829 --> 00:49:22.619
home has... a soundstage and lights and a setup so
918
00:49:22.639 --> 00:49:24.980
he can like test characters and stuff like that's where
919
00:49:25.000 --> 00:49:28.239
he tests the Tropic Thunder the dancing sure he invites
920
00:49:28.429 --> 00:49:30.469
Paul Thomas Anderson over and says yeah I want to
921
00:49:30.489 --> 00:49:32.769
show you what I'm working on with this and so
922
00:49:32.869 --> 00:49:35.769
sits him down in the dark and then the lights
923
00:49:35.849 --> 00:49:39.530
come up and Tom Cruise steps out in that outfit
924
00:49:39.550 --> 00:49:44.130
and And does the respect the cock thing.
925
00:49:44.150 --> 00:49:48.389
Boy, if you folks haven't seen Magnolia, this sounds pretty nuts,
926
00:49:48.449 --> 00:49:48.769
I bet.
927
00:49:49.429 --> 00:49:49.989
Oh, no.
928
00:49:50.190 --> 00:49:54.619
Yeah. I'm telling you, imagine how surprised. Again, I guess,
929
00:49:54.659 --> 00:49:57.699
Paul Thomas Anderson, you're used to this kind of thing. Maybe.
930
00:49:57.880 --> 00:49:59.980
If it was like me, I would not think I
931
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:03.619
was going to leave that house alive. It's like, oh, no,
932
00:50:03.659 --> 00:50:06.199
this is the last thing you see before Tom Cruise dies.
933
00:50:07.139 --> 00:50:09.780
feet takes you to the pain cave. Yeah. I read
934
00:50:09.820 --> 00:50:10.360
Red Dragon.
935
00:50:12.460 --> 00:50:13.920
Do you see? Respect the cock.
936
00:50:13.940 --> 00:50:14.519
Do you see?
937
00:50:15.639 --> 00:50:17.780
So I didn't know that he wrote that, those parts
938
00:50:17.800 --> 00:50:22.329
for himself. That is fascinating. That is, um, maybe my
939
00:50:22.550 --> 00:50:27.429
favorite Tom Cruise performance of all time. And again, I'm
940
00:50:27.469 --> 00:50:29.949
coming at the, like there's, I want everyone to know
941
00:50:29.989 --> 00:50:35.340
that I don't have, uh, any irony covering any of this. I, I,
942
00:50:36.599 --> 00:50:39.099
love the mission impossible movies. I love the top gun movies.
943
00:50:39.480 --> 00:50:42.659
I think Tom Cruise is really cool. I agree that
944
00:50:43.480 --> 00:50:47.190
he hasn't made an interesting movie in a very long time. Um,
945
00:50:47.829 --> 00:50:49.969
I also agree that there, there was like a, it
946
00:50:50.010 --> 00:50:54.630
wasn't just Magnolia, this, this apparently deeply personal thing that
947
00:50:54.650 --> 00:50:59.389
he had, had a hand in writing like Jerry Maguire,
948
00:50:59.510 --> 00:51:03.210
rain man, a few good men. He was doing interesting
949
00:51:03.250 --> 00:51:05.860
and cool projects and working with cool directors and And
950
00:51:05.900 --> 00:51:10.599
then at a certain point, really made, after Lions for Lambs,
951
00:51:11.119 --> 00:51:17.030
made this deliberate pivot into, for better or for worse,
952
00:51:17.630 --> 00:51:21.550
Tom Cruise movies. Like your Mission Impossibles, and I don't
953
00:51:21.570 --> 00:51:24.369
know where Reacher lands in that time frame, but like,
954
00:51:24.769 --> 00:51:27.849
it was, I am not going to do, I'm not
955
00:51:27.909 --> 00:51:31.739
really going to play a human being anymore. I'm going
956
00:51:31.760 --> 00:51:34.320
to play Ethan Hunt, which is really, I'm going to
957
00:51:34.360 --> 00:51:37.260
play Tom Cruise in I'm going to play this character
958
00:51:37.300 --> 00:51:43.179
that is like a relentless do-right machine. And I'm also
959
00:51:43.219 --> 00:51:45.780
going to do a huge stunt or two in every
960
00:51:45.800 --> 00:51:47.519
single movie because that is the other thing I have
961
00:51:47.559 --> 00:51:50.730
decided I am committing my life to. I want to
962
00:51:50.769 --> 00:51:51.829
die on camera, please.
963
00:51:52.570 --> 00:51:54.710
Right. He talks about that in interviews where people are like,
964
00:51:54.730 --> 00:51:58.670
aren't you afraid of these stunts? And he's like, the
965
00:51:58.710 --> 00:52:00.409
gist of it is always like, I think I'd rather
966
00:52:00.469 --> 00:52:03.170
die doing this than anything else. I think I'd rather
967
00:52:03.230 --> 00:52:04.300
die making a movie.
968
00:52:05.030 --> 00:52:08.710
Okay. But see, this is what I find fascinating, because
969
00:52:09.070 --> 00:52:11.909
the timeline goes, that video came out of him giving
970
00:52:11.949 --> 00:52:15.329
the speech at the L. Ron Hubbard birthday thing, or
971
00:52:15.369 --> 00:52:17.860
whatever the hell it was, the one that really made
972
00:52:18.019 --> 00:52:22.800
people see Scientology Tom Cruise, and it was the big,
973
00:52:22.860 --> 00:52:24.940
the blowback from that really, I felt like, changed him.
974
00:52:25.420 --> 00:52:27.619
Right after that, the next movie they did, I think
975
00:52:27.679 --> 00:52:32.360
was Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol, but the promos for that
976
00:52:32.440 --> 00:52:36.650
were entirely... Tom Cruise at the top of that, what's
977
00:52:36.690 --> 00:52:42.030
that giant building that he did the stunt on? The
978
00:52:42.070 --> 00:52:45.489
promos were him sitting on top of that building with
979
00:52:45.530 --> 00:52:50.050
no harness on. And the entire promo of that film was, look,
980
00:52:50.750 --> 00:52:53.719
I almost died trying to make this movie for you.
981
00:52:53.820 --> 00:52:58.070
And from that point on, his recovery from the... Tom
982
00:52:58.110 --> 00:53:03.309
Cruise is a weirdo, eccentric, Scientologist freak. His entire promo
983
00:53:03.329 --> 00:53:06.469
for every film after that was, I am a blue
984
00:53:06.789 --> 00:53:13.070
collar worker. Films are work for me. It's physical labor.
985
00:53:13.550 --> 00:53:17.130
And so they promoted everyone with a behind, not what
986
00:53:17.170 --> 00:53:19.110
the plot of this movie is, what the hook or
987
00:53:19.150 --> 00:53:23.119
the interesting concept is, but behind the scenes, Tom Cruise
988
00:53:23.340 --> 00:53:26.139
on a motorcycle, on a cliff, dangling from a cliff.
989
00:53:26.420 --> 00:53:30.489
That's really me dangling from the cliff. And promoting how
990
00:53:30.699 --> 00:53:34.469
hard I'm working to bring you this film. How can
991
00:53:34.489 --> 00:53:38.050
you be mad at me? I'm putting my life on
992
00:53:38.090 --> 00:53:42.289
the line as a, as a blue collar laborer to
993
00:53:42.349 --> 00:53:46.050
bring you this film to make himself, because I think
994
00:53:46.110 --> 00:53:52.440
from in his mind, that's the most sympathetic, normal guy ever.
995
00:53:53.199 --> 00:53:55.719
version of a movie star you can be. Because it's like,
996
00:53:55.760 --> 00:53:57.969
look at how hard I'm working real work.
997
00:53:58.010 --> 00:54:00.889
I'm putting 100% of myself into this movie. There's nothing
998
00:54:00.989 --> 00:54:03.010
left beyond that.
999
00:54:03.309 --> 00:54:07.110
But also stop taking creative risks unless the biggest creative
1000
00:54:07.150 --> 00:54:11.250
risk is making a non-IP action movie or whatever. But
1001
00:54:12.110 --> 00:54:16.139
the Tropic Thunder, the Les Grossman role, that was not
1002
00:54:16.199 --> 00:54:19.469
in the script at all. Tom Cruise had Ben Stiller
1003
00:54:19.710 --> 00:54:22.329
add that character, the look of the character, the idea
1004
00:54:22.389 --> 00:54:25.650
of having that character and needing that dynamic of the
1005
00:54:25.730 --> 00:54:29.389
jerk from the studio. That was all Tom Cruise. The
1006
00:54:29.429 --> 00:54:32.539
whole thing, top to bottom, was his. So at the time,
1007
00:54:32.579 --> 00:54:34.420
people were like, wow, how did you get Tom Cruise
1008
00:54:34.460 --> 00:54:36.460
to come out of his shell and be this silly?
1009
00:54:36.480 --> 00:54:39.579
It's like, no, that was the makeup, the whole concept.
1010
00:54:39.619 --> 00:54:43.480
That was all his idea. So could he have had, like,
1011
00:54:43.539 --> 00:54:46.860
if he just pivoted to comedy, could he have a comedy...
1012
00:54:47.119 --> 00:54:48.940
film career? Probably. Yeah.
1013
00:54:49.480 --> 00:54:51.869
He's, you know, you hear these stories about Sean White,
1014
00:54:51.909 --> 00:54:55.230
who is this phenom snowboarder for so long and would
1015
00:54:55.269 --> 00:54:57.829
win every single year that there was an Olympics. It
1016
00:54:57.869 --> 00:55:01.670
wasn't even fair because he had a whole half pipe
1017
00:55:02.340 --> 00:55:04.760
built at his house and he would just go and
1018
00:55:04.820 --> 00:55:07.440
train on it. And that was unprecedented. And snowboarding was
1019
00:55:07.480 --> 00:55:09.460
like brand new in the Olympics. No one had heard
1020
00:55:09.480 --> 00:55:11.960
of it. But here's a guy who was building, spending
1021
00:55:11.980 --> 00:55:13.980
millions of dollars to have a half pipe at his house.
1022
00:55:14.429 --> 00:55:16.599
And he would he wouldn't train around other people cause
1023
00:55:16.619 --> 00:55:18.699
he didn't want them to see his tricks. And he
1024
00:55:18.719 --> 00:55:21.980
would come to the Olympics and guaranteed. He just like
1025
00:55:22.039 --> 00:55:23.940
blow everybody's mind. Cause he'd have all this new stuff
1026
00:55:23.960 --> 00:55:25.500
that he could do that no one had seen before.
1027
00:55:25.539 --> 00:55:28.039
And that feels very much like what Tom Cruise is doing. He,
1028
00:55:28.860 --> 00:55:30.980
if he has a soundstage at his house and he's like,
1029
00:55:31.400 --> 00:55:33.559
I'm going to make, I'm going to secret away and
1030
00:55:33.599 --> 00:55:35.570
I'm going to go figure out what this is. And
1031
00:55:35.610 --> 00:55:37.250
then I'm going to figure out which director will put
1032
00:55:37.269 --> 00:55:40.530
it in their movie and then does it. And so, yeah,
1033
00:55:40.550 --> 00:55:44.639
he's like, everything is so polished and secret. about him
1034
00:55:44.679 --> 00:55:46.059
until he's ready to reveal it.
1035
00:55:52.239 --> 00:55:57.320
The craziest thing about squaring that with the other stuff
1036
00:55:57.340 --> 00:55:59.860
that I know about Tom Cruise is that these Mission
1037
00:55:59.900 --> 00:56:04.840
Impossible movies do not have scripts. They don't have scripts
1038
00:56:04.860 --> 00:56:09.550
when they start filming. I think it showed in the
1039
00:56:09.610 --> 00:56:12.449
last one, but in general, what they have is Tom
1040
00:56:12.489 --> 00:56:16.510
Cruise will get his cast assembled and it's, and of
1041
00:56:16.590 --> 00:56:18.130
course these people want to work with Tom Cruise and
1042
00:56:18.150 --> 00:56:20.510
do more things with him. And he will get like
1043
00:56:20.889 --> 00:56:26.840
this before we have a story for mission impossible, dead reckoning.
1044
00:56:27.400 --> 00:56:30.110
We have a motorcycle stunt. We have, I'm going to
1045
00:56:30.159 --> 00:56:32.510
do this thing that's never been done before. Guys, don't worry.
1046
00:56:32.550 --> 00:56:34.969
We found the mountain. And Simon Pegg is like, what's
1047
00:56:35.010 --> 00:56:39.130
the movie about? It's like, don't, we will, shut up.
1048
00:56:39.170 --> 00:56:42.469
Stand over there and just start saying exposition. And we
1049
00:56:42.489 --> 00:56:44.750
will work it into this movie. Just, we need to
1050
00:56:44.829 --> 00:56:47.690
get me to this mountain on a motorcycle. That is
1051
00:56:47.730 --> 00:56:50.449
what we're going to do. And they just run and
1052
00:56:50.469 --> 00:56:53.809
gun and make these movies. And it seems like a
1053
00:56:53.849 --> 00:56:58.489
very stressful thing to, to me, as both a writer
1054
00:56:58.610 --> 00:57:04.469
and a planner, but I think the, there's an overpowering
1055
00:57:05.769 --> 00:57:08.949
orbit of Tom Cruise that somehow makes them work. Because
1056
00:57:08.969 --> 00:57:12.829
you can say the movies are like, a little bit goofy.
1057
00:57:14.869 --> 00:57:18.869
They exist, and they have like a generally coherent plot.
1058
00:57:19.230 --> 00:57:21.510
They're not the most complicated thing in the world. I
1059
00:57:21.570 --> 00:57:23.250
think the last one was up its ass a little bit.
1060
00:57:23.590 --> 00:57:27.909
But generally, they're always like, we need to get this thing.
1061
00:57:28.289 --> 00:57:30.570
There's a little thing that we need to get, and
1062
00:57:30.590 --> 00:57:32.429
these other people want to get it, and one of
1063
00:57:32.449 --> 00:57:35.190
them is going to double cross me, and it's going
1064
00:57:35.210 --> 00:57:36.929
to be a surprise who it's going to be, and
1065
00:57:36.969 --> 00:57:38.969
we need to travel all over the world to get it.
1066
00:57:39.750 --> 00:57:42.829
The movie's always hanging together. They figure it out. I
1067
00:57:43.369 --> 00:57:48.030
don't think the director, McHugh, I don't think his next
1068
00:57:48.090 --> 00:57:51.099
movie can have that approach. I don't think he can
1069
00:57:51.139 --> 00:57:53.199
get Ryan Gosling and say, I'm going to make an
1070
00:57:53.260 --> 00:57:55.360
action movie with you that doesn't have a script. I
1071
00:57:55.389 --> 00:57:56.769
don't think that works. I don't think it works with
1072
00:57:56.789 --> 00:58:00.789
anybody except Tom Cruise. And I don't know how beyond
1073
00:58:00.809 --> 00:58:05.389
just like, this is a strange, magical person.
1074
00:58:06.070 --> 00:58:08.280
The one where they had the car chase where Tom
1075
00:58:08.300 --> 00:58:11.179
Cruise is handcuffed to, who's the actress? Was that Rebecca
1076
00:58:11.219 --> 00:58:14.239
Ferguson or is that someone else? You know what I'm
1077
00:58:14.260 --> 00:58:14.840
talking about, right?
1078
00:58:14.960 --> 00:58:15.119
Yeah.
1079
00:58:15.780 --> 00:58:19.010
The crazy car chase through whatever exotic city. Italy. Okay. Okay.
1080
00:58:20.500 --> 00:58:23.699
When she shot that scene, she didn't know what her
1081
00:58:23.760 --> 00:58:28.929
character's name was. She didn't know what her relationship to
1082
00:58:28.969 --> 00:58:31.170
Tom Cruise's character was. I hope I'm not his sister.
1083
00:58:32.250 --> 00:58:35.269
Because there was no script. Like, she didn't know what
1084
00:58:35.289 --> 00:58:38.849
her character's motivation was because they just knew, because they're
1085
00:58:38.869 --> 00:58:42.130
shooting the stuff on location. That's got to be planned.
1086
00:58:42.289 --> 00:58:46.219
It takes so much planning, so much permit stuff, so much, like,
1087
00:58:46.460 --> 00:58:49.940
location work, all of that. And then they have to
1088
00:58:50.329 --> 00:58:52.849
They will shoot that before they've got a script. So
1089
00:58:53.050 --> 00:58:56.559
if you watch these movies, all of the connective tissue,
1090
00:58:56.659 --> 00:58:59.300
all of the exposition is shot with people in a
1091
00:58:59.340 --> 00:59:02.219
room or on a train car or in a car
1092
00:59:02.320 --> 00:59:06.050
or in a surveillance van because they will shoot all
1093
00:59:06.070 --> 00:59:09.050
of those stunts, all of the action stuff. And so
1094
00:59:09.070 --> 00:59:11.579
they will shoot him jumpstarting. his motorcycle off a cliff
1095
00:59:11.800 --> 00:59:15.000
and jumping onto a train. They will then go back
1096
00:59:15.099 --> 00:59:18.000
to wherever they do the studio, Pinewood or LA or
1097
00:59:18.019 --> 00:59:20.219
wherever they do that stuff. And they will shoot all,
1098
00:59:20.360 --> 00:59:23.000
they will sit down, they'll have a script, whoever the
1099
00:59:23.039 --> 00:59:26.500
writers are and sit down and say, okay, Why were
1100
00:59:26.539 --> 00:59:29.199
they doing all that? Why were they doing all that stuff?
1101
00:59:29.300 --> 00:59:31.139
Why did he have to jump off of a cliff
1102
00:59:31.239 --> 00:59:35.059
and land inside of a train? What possible reason? And
1103
00:59:35.159 --> 00:59:38.420
as a writer, I think I would wake up every
1104
00:59:38.480 --> 00:59:42.199
night in like a cold sweat thinking I was still
1105
00:59:42.389 --> 00:59:44.949
on the set of Mission Impossible 7 where Tom Cruise
1106
00:59:44.989 --> 00:59:48.030
handed me, okay, here's the stuff we've shot. Now you
1107
00:59:48.070 --> 00:59:50.210
need to tell me why we were doing all that.
1108
00:59:50.969 --> 00:59:51.130
Yeah.
1109
00:59:51.150 --> 00:59:51.289
Yeah.
1110
00:59:51.989 --> 00:59:54.070
And so then they will shoot all of these scenes
1111
00:59:54.130 --> 00:59:56.670
on a soundstage and they will have all these talky scenes.
1112
00:59:56.710 --> 00:59:58.250
And that's why in that last one, you could tell
1113
00:59:58.269 --> 01:00:02.789
because there's so much exposition and it's so sweaty where
1114
01:00:02.809 --> 01:00:06.130
they're having to like, yeah. And the thing, and the only,
1115
01:00:06.329 --> 01:00:09.150
there's actually two of these keys and one of them's
1116
01:00:09.170 --> 01:00:15.150
on that submarine that we already shot ourselves in last year. Yeah.
1117
01:00:15.170 --> 01:00:18.170
That's why we were there because we needed this goddamn key.
1118
01:00:18.210 --> 01:00:20.389
That's what it is. And then while we're chasing this
1119
01:00:20.449 --> 01:00:24.789
guy on a biplane, he's got the key, the other key,
1120
01:00:24.869 --> 01:00:26.789
another copy of the key around his neck. That's why
1121
01:00:26.829 --> 01:00:30.590
we were doing that. It's such a crazy, only a
1122
01:00:30.699 --> 01:00:33.440
crazy person would even think to try to make a
1123
01:00:33.480 --> 01:00:37.340
movie that way that has a budget of $ 400 million.
1124
01:00:37.380 --> 01:00:40.840
Right. That's the other thing is that you are Tom Cruise.
1125
01:00:41.420 --> 01:00:44.719
You are one of the only people left alive who
1126
01:00:44.760 --> 01:00:48.659
can get a movie greenlit and get More money than
1127
01:00:48.780 --> 01:00:53.400
God to make it happen. You have worked with Steven Spielberg.
1128
01:00:53.440 --> 01:00:57.219
You've worked with PTA. You've worked with all of the
1129
01:00:57.260 --> 01:01:01.389
great people. You can pick up the phone and get
1130
01:01:02.989 --> 01:01:07.070
fucking Tony Kushner to write A Mission Impossible for you.
1131
01:01:07.380 --> 01:01:09.460
You can get Martin McDonagh to write it. You can
1132
01:01:09.500 --> 01:01:13.159
get it done in a fucking week. You can have
1133
01:01:13.199 --> 01:01:14.920
a perfect script. You can get a writer's room of
1134
01:01:14.960 --> 01:01:18.369
your five favorite screenwriters in a room and have them
1135
01:01:18.489 --> 01:01:22.030
write the best Mission Impossible. And you're the only one
1136
01:01:22.050 --> 01:01:24.050
in the world who can make that happen. And he
1137
01:01:24.090 --> 01:01:24.980
just doesn't do it.
1138
01:01:26.489 --> 01:01:28.719
No, it's just, it's a set piece by set piece.
1139
01:01:28.739 --> 01:01:30.780
But I mean, a lot of that's international sales as well.
1140
01:01:30.800 --> 01:01:33.199
Like they know that the market is narrow here and
1141
01:01:33.219 --> 01:01:36.199
they're like, well, if we have these like big stunts,
1142
01:01:36.280 --> 01:01:38.820
that's what we'll sell internationally. I'm like, let's just.
1143
01:01:38.719 --> 01:01:39.170
Make it in it.
1144
01:01:39.219 --> 01:01:41.300
Like we're going to make it back no matter what,
1145
01:01:41.519 --> 01:01:43.340
no matter what the plot is, no matter what the
1146
01:01:43.380 --> 01:01:46.840
writers are doing with their connective tissue between scenes, doesn't
1147
01:01:46.900 --> 01:01:48.860
really matter. I mean, the fact that they are doing
1148
01:01:48.900 --> 01:01:51.480
it is, I would applaud them for even trying, like
1149
01:01:51.500 --> 01:01:54.480
that they're even trying to put together a cohesive story
1150
01:01:54.500 --> 01:01:54.980
in between.
1151
01:01:55.460 --> 01:02:00.079
It feels inevitable that on Mission Impossible 12, he will
1152
01:02:00.099 --> 01:02:03.449
walk into the screenwriter's van and, And be like, good news,
1153
01:02:03.489 --> 01:02:06.269
bad news, good news. We got the helicopter scene that's
1154
01:02:06.289 --> 01:02:08.449
never been done before. It went upside down. We got
1155
01:02:08.469 --> 01:02:11.170
an upside down helicopter. That's pretty cool. Through North Korea.
1156
01:02:11.190 --> 01:02:11.750
That's pretty cool.
1157
01:02:12.130 --> 01:02:12.650
Bad news.
1158
01:02:12.670 --> 01:02:14.469
And he holds up his hand. You have to write
1159
01:02:14.510 --> 01:02:17.250
that Ethan Hunt lost a hand. There's no way around it.
1160
01:02:17.510 --> 01:02:18.710
Ethan Hunt doesn't have.
1161
01:02:18.630 --> 01:02:18.949
A hand now.
1162
01:02:19.090 --> 01:02:19.309
Okay.
1163
01:02:19.820 --> 01:02:20.260
I'll see you tomorrow.
1164
01:02:20.639 --> 01:02:22.889
There also has got to be scenes that they do
1165
01:02:22.949 --> 01:02:26.000
shoot and the writers are just like, you know, that
1166
01:02:26.059 --> 01:02:27.280
bungee jumping out of the blimp?
1167
01:02:27.860 --> 01:02:28.179
We can't.
1168
01:02:28.440 --> 01:02:29.059
There's nothing we can do.
1169
01:02:29.989 --> 01:02:30.610
We can't do it.
1170
01:02:30.630 --> 01:02:32.269
That one's just going to sit on the cutting room floor.
1171
01:02:32.929 --> 01:02:35.130
They've shot six or seven scenes and they're like, well,
1172
01:02:35.150 --> 01:02:35.989
we can use five of them.
1173
01:02:37.750 --> 01:02:41.219
But I did it. I know, Tom. I know. We
1174
01:02:41.260 --> 01:02:43.579
cannot get you on a blimp. I'm so sorry.
1175
01:02:44.960 --> 01:02:47.639
Other details. So in the world of, like you guys
1176
01:02:47.679 --> 01:02:53.159
know this because you're obviously showbiz. In a film where
1177
01:02:53.280 --> 01:02:56.539
if you're watching like a great Steven Seagal film from
1178
01:02:56.719 --> 01:02:59.090
the 90s, When you see him and then he picks
1179
01:02:59.159 --> 01:03:01.400
up an object and then it cuts to him reading
1180
01:03:01.460 --> 01:03:04.960
the letter of the woman who's been murdered. Well, the
1181
01:03:05.000 --> 01:03:07.760
hands holding the letter, that's an insert shot. That's something
1182
01:03:07.780 --> 01:03:11.699
they shot later with somebody at stand-in or extra. Somebody's
1183
01:03:11.719 --> 01:03:15.000
just got similar hands. Like anything that doesn't need the
1184
01:03:15.039 --> 01:03:19.320
star there, the star is off in his trailer. You know,
1185
01:03:19.519 --> 01:03:22.079
you don't waste the star's time. Okay. In a Tom
1186
01:03:22.119 --> 01:03:24.579
Cruise movie, if it cuts to hands holding the thing,
1187
01:03:24.619 --> 01:03:29.219
that's Tom Cruise. He is on set for the stuff
1188
01:03:29.280 --> 01:03:32.559
that he's not in. He just likes, he is the
1189
01:03:32.619 --> 01:03:35.300
first one there. He's the last one to leave. He
1190
01:03:35.400 --> 01:03:38.679
just is always there. He wants to be involved in
1191
01:03:38.780 --> 01:03:41.769
every aspect of it. He loves it when there's scenes
1192
01:03:41.849 --> 01:03:46.130
like in the, I think they're talking about in A
1193
01:03:46.150 --> 01:03:50.340
Few Good Men with like Jack Nicholson and the courtroom stuff,
1194
01:03:50.400 --> 01:03:53.659
like the shots where it's characters reacting to Tom Cruise
1195
01:03:53.699 --> 01:03:55.849
and you just have somebody there to react to it.
1196
01:03:55.880 --> 01:03:57.889
It's like, no, that's Tom Cruise. He will be there too.
1197
01:03:58.280 --> 01:04:02.409
It's like, he just, and I wonder if he's not
1198
01:04:02.469 --> 01:04:04.809
just made such a mess of everything else in his
1199
01:04:04.909 --> 01:04:09.030
life that the movies are just like, but that's why
1200
01:04:10.269 --> 01:04:12.949
Digger is so fascinating, a film I did not go
1201
01:04:13.030 --> 01:04:15.099
to see because I don't go to the theater unless
1202
01:04:15.260 --> 01:04:18.159
I am just forced to a gunpoint. It is the
1203
01:04:18.280 --> 01:04:21.269
worst idea for a movie I've ever heard in my life.
1204
01:04:21.809 --> 01:04:24.409
I've read the plot summary of it. They knew this
1205
01:04:24.449 --> 01:04:27.690
was going to lose the GDP of a small nation
1206
01:04:27.889 --> 01:04:30.570
at the box office. They had to know. It's so
1207
01:04:30.690 --> 01:04:32.150
weird and so off-putting.
1208
01:04:32.170 --> 01:04:37.500
I also haven't seen it. I have a seven-month-old, so
1209
01:04:37.519 --> 01:04:42.059
I'm never going to see any movies. I was excited
1210
01:04:42.139 --> 01:04:44.820
for Tom Cruise doing a different thing. I was super
1211
01:04:44.880 --> 01:04:45.519
pumped on that.
1212
01:04:45.800 --> 01:04:46.340
Yes.
1213
01:04:46.780 --> 01:04:49.929
And he's like created a character and he looks funny
1214
01:04:49.969 --> 01:04:54.070
and he's got a voice. And like the first teaser
1215
01:04:54.130 --> 01:04:57.550
they show where it's just like a far off shot
1216
01:04:58.090 --> 01:05:01.170
of Tom in character talking to himself. He's got a
1217
01:05:01.210 --> 01:05:03.420
cowboy hat. He's like walking around and doing karate kicks.
1218
01:05:03.860 --> 01:05:05.380
And I'm like, I don't need to know a single
1219
01:05:05.400 --> 01:05:07.760
other thing. I'm fucking in on this movie. And then
1220
01:05:07.780 --> 01:05:12.760
they made a longer trailer and it's... It's this whole,
1221
01:05:12.820 --> 01:05:14.550
we're going to spoil a little bit of Digger. These
1222
01:05:14.570 --> 01:05:16.170
people who haven't seen this movie are going to spoil
1223
01:05:16.210 --> 01:05:19.289
it for you right now. And it's big. It's this big,
1224
01:05:19.349 --> 01:05:23.170
broad thing. And he is digging. He's an oil man.
1225
01:05:23.670 --> 01:05:29.110
And there's something that happened where a piece of land
1226
01:05:29.389 --> 01:05:32.489
is going to separate from where it's supposed to go
1227
01:05:32.570 --> 01:05:34.150
and cause a tidal wave that's going to wipe out
1228
01:05:34.570 --> 01:05:37.949
a whole lot of some part of the world. And
1229
01:05:37.989 --> 01:05:40.510
the only way to solve it is through more digging.
1230
01:05:40.909 --> 01:05:43.840
It's this big, and he's like the best digger. And
1231
01:05:43.860 --> 01:05:45.519
you got to keep digging to dig your way out
1232
01:05:45.539 --> 01:05:47.340
of this problem that you dug your way into. And
1233
01:05:47.360 --> 01:05:49.699
I'm like, ah, yes. And it's about the environment. And
1234
01:05:49.980 --> 01:05:55.789
he's this larger than life oil tycoon. And I'm here
1235
01:05:55.829 --> 01:05:58.809
for that too. I'm here for the big satire that
1236
01:05:58.889 --> 01:06:01.969
is Tom Cruise as oil man. And then reviews start
1237
01:06:02.010 --> 01:06:04.760
coming out and I didn't want to get spoiled, but
1238
01:06:04.780 --> 01:06:06.360
there were a couple of them that were like, this is...
1239
01:06:07.480 --> 01:06:09.840
you can't talk about this movie without talking about at
1240
01:06:09.880 --> 01:06:12.760
least one of the twists. And I was like, all right, fine,
1241
01:06:12.800 --> 01:06:17.239
let me read this. And it turns out that he's
1242
01:06:17.300 --> 01:06:20.519
not an oil man who needs to dig his way
1243
01:06:20.599 --> 01:06:23.239
out of a problem. The stuff that we're showing in
1244
01:06:23.260 --> 01:06:28.139
the trailer is from a play. He is an actor
1245
01:06:28.420 --> 01:06:33.440
playing the oil man in a satire about the environment.
1246
01:06:34.179 --> 01:06:39.050
And that, by the way, There is nothing wrong with
1247
01:06:39.190 --> 01:06:44.219
that as a movie. Why didn't you tell me that?
1248
01:06:44.699 --> 01:06:48.460
Why is the fact that I'm only watching scenes from
1249
01:06:48.539 --> 01:06:52.059
the play within the movie in the trailer, why is
1250
01:06:52.079 --> 01:06:55.679
that kept from me? Why is that kept from all
1251
01:06:55.719 --> 01:06:58.960
of us? It's not the end of Sixth Sense. It's
1252
01:06:59.000 --> 01:07:03.000
not like the movie relies on the twist. They bring
1253
01:07:03.059 --> 01:07:07.619
that twist out shortly into the movie. Someone will yell, cut.
1254
01:07:08.070 --> 01:07:11.610
And Tom Cruise as Digger will suddenly be a different guy.
1255
01:07:11.730 --> 01:07:15.010
He's suddenly not Digger. He's suddenly an actor playing Digger.
1256
01:07:15.550 --> 01:07:18.860
And it's like, fine. Then it's not a satire about
1257
01:07:19.500 --> 01:07:23.059
global warming. It's a satire about plays. It's a satire
1258
01:07:23.099 --> 01:07:28.849
about the futility of satire to change minds. Tell me that.
1259
01:07:29.510 --> 01:07:31.710
Tell me that's what your movie is. Because you want
1260
01:07:31.750 --> 01:07:32.849
me to see your movie.
1261
01:07:33.610 --> 01:07:33.730
And.
1262
01:07:34.329 --> 01:07:36.550
If I'm the kind of person who wants to see
1263
01:07:38.369 --> 01:07:42.010
a satire about a man named Digger who digs oil,
1264
01:07:42.650 --> 01:07:43.769
I'm going to be really mad when I go to
1265
01:07:43.789 --> 01:07:46.110
your movie and it's not that. And if I'm the
1266
01:07:46.130 --> 01:07:48.110
kind of person who wants to see a movie about
1267
01:07:48.230 --> 01:07:52.550
a play about the uselessness of satire, I'm not going
1268
01:07:52.570 --> 01:07:54.519
to go to your movie because the trailers don't look
1269
01:07:54.559 --> 01:07:57.500
like that. So I don't understand any bit of the
1270
01:07:57.539 --> 01:07:58.820
marketing of this fucking movie.
1271
01:08:04.949 --> 01:08:07.570
So here's the closest I've ever come to having Tom
1272
01:08:07.610 --> 01:08:13.000
Cruise attack me. A couple months ago, I made a
1273
01:08:13.280 --> 01:08:16.479
video about, I posted on Twitter, then I made a
1274
01:08:16.500 --> 01:08:20.420
video about how I suspected that Digger was actually a musical.
1275
01:08:21.100 --> 01:08:23.890
And as Hollywood sometimes does, they will put out a
1276
01:08:23.930 --> 01:08:28.430
musical and then avoid, desperately avoid telling anybody it's a musical,
1277
01:08:28.590 --> 01:08:30.729
even though there have been musicals that have grossed a
1278
01:08:30.989 --> 01:08:34.229
billion dollars at the box office. But sometimes they're like, No,
1279
01:08:34.289 --> 01:08:36.069
this one we get to surprise them. We got to
1280
01:08:36.109 --> 01:08:38.939
spring it on them, like the Timmy DeChalomay Wonka movies.
1281
01:08:38.979 --> 01:08:41.619
They want musicals, but they don't know they want musicals.
1282
01:08:41.800 --> 01:08:44.819
Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Good God, don't let them ever
1283
01:08:44.880 --> 01:08:47.699
mention that Barbie was a musical or that Sinners was
1284
01:08:47.739 --> 01:08:51.220
a musical. No, it's just a film where all of
1285
01:08:51.220 --> 01:08:55.470
the biggest set pieces are people playing and singing, but
1286
01:08:55.470 --> 01:08:58.760
it's not... No, that's, musicals are for the gays, and
1287
01:08:58.840 --> 01:09:01.260
this has Tom Cruise in it. There's nothing gay about
1288
01:09:01.279 --> 01:09:06.380
Tom Cruise. We will have you murdered if you suggest. So,
1289
01:09:06.560 --> 01:09:09.100
but in the ads and in that trailer, that second trailer,
1290
01:09:09.300 --> 01:09:12.819
there's tons of people dancing around, and then doing like,
1291
01:09:12.890 --> 01:09:15.729
and there's like weird artificial looking sets, as like they're
1292
01:09:15.789 --> 01:09:18.029
hiding the fact that it's a musical. This is silly
1293
01:09:18.050 --> 01:09:21.380
and Tom Cruise as an oil man in a musical
1294
01:09:21.479 --> 01:09:23.819
is the best idea for a movie I've ever heard.
1295
01:09:24.399 --> 01:09:27.890
That's hilarious. And then Tom Cruise himself had to come
1296
01:09:27.949 --> 01:09:31.189
out and refute the idea that it's a musical. They
1297
01:09:31.210 --> 01:09:34.890
had multiple people from within the production come out and say,
1298
01:09:34.930 --> 01:09:37.729
this is not a musical. I do believe that it
1299
01:09:37.810 --> 01:09:39.630
was a musical at one point.
1300
01:09:40.149 --> 01:09:42.729
Because- I still contend it might be a musical.
1301
01:09:43.189 --> 01:09:46.470
Play was a musical and there were musical numbers they
1302
01:09:46.510 --> 01:09:48.770
were practicing and they just cut that out because they
1303
01:09:48.810 --> 01:09:52.100
decided they didn't want that in the film. But there's
1304
01:09:52.140 --> 01:09:55.039
so much, like most of that trailer you saw, none
1305
01:09:55.060 --> 01:09:56.539
of that stuff made it into the film. All the
1306
01:09:56.600 --> 01:09:58.760
dancing and stuff where he's dancing around the set, like
1307
01:09:58.779 --> 01:10:02.170
that's none of that's in the final movie. So I
1308
01:10:02.210 --> 01:10:04.369
think it was a musical at one point, but no,
1309
01:10:04.430 --> 01:10:06.949
Tom Cruise himself had to make a statement saying, no,
1310
01:10:07.149 --> 01:10:09.140
this is not a musical, but it should be. Maybe
1311
01:10:09.149 --> 01:10:11.199
somebody should make a musical version because he has to
1312
01:10:11.739 --> 01:10:12.600
be fun about it.
1313
01:10:13.479 --> 01:10:16.000
You injected yourself into Tom Cruise's life.
1314
01:10:17.140 --> 01:10:22.300
I can't think of anything that would crush me more
1315
01:10:23.079 --> 01:10:26.810
if I was a writer or director on a movie
1316
01:10:27.510 --> 01:10:29.170
and the trailer came out and I was so proud
1317
01:10:29.210 --> 01:10:32.029
of it. And the only reactions were people arguing over
1318
01:10:32.069 --> 01:10:34.229
whether or not they thought it was a musical because
1319
01:10:34.350 --> 01:10:38.420
everyone in the trailer moves so weird and there's so
1320
01:10:38.439 --> 01:10:42.399
much stomping. I'd be like, oh, no, that's not what
1321
01:10:42.420 --> 01:10:45.250
they're supposed to think. They're supposed to be like, I
1322
01:10:45.289 --> 01:10:46.750
want to see this movie. They're not going to think...
1323
01:10:47.180 --> 01:10:51.340
It's so jarringly edited. It must be hiding something. Oh no.
1324
01:10:51.640 --> 01:10:54.539
But it is hiding something. It's the thing you're talking about.
1325
01:10:54.680 --> 01:10:57.279
The reason it was so weird and off-putting is because
1326
01:10:57.300 --> 01:10:59.319
they're trying to cut, they don't show you any of
1327
01:10:59.359 --> 01:11:01.729
the behind, all the stuff you see in the trailer,
1328
01:11:01.750 --> 01:11:05.310
it's from the play they're practicing. In the film, that's
1329
01:11:05.350 --> 01:11:07.850
the first 25 minutes. Then they cut away and now
1330
01:11:07.869 --> 01:11:10.829
you're behind the scenes. And so they're getting into this
1331
01:11:11.029 --> 01:11:16.229
very nuanced point about Because the actual film takes place
1332
01:11:16.369 --> 01:11:19.380
decades after the stuff depicted in the trailer. And they're
1333
01:11:19.399 --> 01:11:21.300
making a play about it. And it's like, yeah, but
1334
01:11:21.319 --> 01:11:24.159
we're making this guy into a cartoon character, the real
1335
01:11:24.279 --> 01:11:29.119
Digger Rockwell. He was not a goofball. He was a conniving,
1336
01:11:29.359 --> 01:11:31.680
like he was a shark. And he knew exactly what
1337
01:11:31.699 --> 01:11:33.439
he was doing. But they're like, yeah, but this is
1338
01:11:33.479 --> 01:11:36.390
what people want. They want to believe that their villains
1339
01:11:36.430 --> 01:11:40.359
are clowns. And that's what it's about. It's about portrayal
1340
01:11:40.420 --> 01:11:42.520
of monsters and whether or not you should make them
1341
01:11:42.539 --> 01:11:45.420
look silly or whether or not you should. And it's
1342
01:11:45.550 --> 01:11:50.149
this thing that's hard to convey in a trailer versus
1343
01:11:50.390 --> 01:11:53.069
here's Tom Cruise in funny old man makeup doing a
1344
01:11:53.109 --> 01:11:56.329
funny accent. Where in the film, the character he's playing,
1345
01:11:56.350 --> 01:12:00.229
the actor just talks like Tom Cruise. That accent is
1346
01:12:00.250 --> 01:12:01.609
supposed to be a bad accent.
1347
01:12:02.350 --> 01:12:04.529
So the cat's supposed to be bad as well then.
1348
01:12:04.569 --> 01:12:07.880
Correct. Correct. That's why it looks like that. It's because
1349
01:12:07.920 --> 01:12:11.539
that's the cat they're using in the play, and they
1350
01:12:11.579 --> 01:12:14.180
make this big joke about Digger. But again, none of
1351
01:12:14.220 --> 01:12:16.560
that's supposed to be historical. The idea is what you're
1352
01:12:16.600 --> 01:12:19.430
seeing them portray in the play, you don't know what
1353
01:12:19.449 --> 01:12:23.430
the reality is. You see them arguing over this, like,
1354
01:12:23.489 --> 01:12:25.729
we know this isn't really how it happened, right? And
1355
01:12:25.750 --> 01:12:28.470
that's the point. It's like how history gets translated to.
1356
01:12:28.510 --> 01:12:31.850
But again, look at how boring I'm making the film sound.
1357
01:12:32.560 --> 01:12:34.949
In concept, you can't put that in a trailer where
1358
01:12:35.109 --> 01:12:37.010
they knew the hook that's going to sell it is,
1359
01:12:37.470 --> 01:12:39.670
it's Tom Cruise like you've never seen him before. Yeah.
1360
01:12:40.270 --> 01:12:43.310
And it's President John Goodman. And it's all these men
1361
01:12:43.350 --> 01:12:45.449
in a war room, in a strangely lit war room,
1362
01:12:45.510 --> 01:12:49.149
trying to figure out how to save the world. And
1363
01:12:49.189 --> 01:12:51.340
if you're really excited about that movie, I've got bad
1364
01:12:51.420 --> 01:12:53.520
news for you. It's not that movie. No one made
1365
01:12:53.560 --> 01:12:54.619
that movie. It doesn't exist.
1366
01:12:55.479 --> 01:12:58.720
Somebody made that play in a movie.
1367
01:12:58.739 --> 01:12:59.100
In a movie.
1368
01:12:59.869 --> 01:13:02.449
This is information you're learning for the first time, Soren?
1369
01:13:02.789 --> 01:13:02.989
Yeah.
1370
01:13:03.189 --> 01:13:03.949
This is all brand new to me.
1371
01:13:03.949 --> 01:13:04.810
That's pretty fun for me.
1372
01:13:05.449 --> 01:13:09.380
Yeah. I'm pretty blown away. Did we offer him to
1373
01:13:09.439 --> 01:13:11.560
not hear the spoilers? Did we give him a chance
1374
01:13:11.600 --> 01:13:13.199
to say he didn't want to be spoiled?
1375
01:13:13.539 --> 01:13:14.199
No, but no.
1376
01:13:14.319 --> 01:13:19.060
Don't ever do that for me. That's a big surprise
1377
01:13:19.079 --> 01:13:21.579
to me. It is sort of revealing too. If I
1378
01:13:21.619 --> 01:13:24.039
was in theater and I was a Broadway star or something,
1379
01:13:24.100 --> 01:13:27.340
I'd be so mad at Hollywood because they're so terrified,
1380
01:13:27.359 --> 01:13:29.279
first of all, to even suggest that something is a musical.
1381
01:13:29.699 --> 01:13:33.180
But it turns out they're just as scared to suggest
1382
01:13:33.220 --> 01:13:36.439
that there is theatrics of any kind in their movie.
1383
01:13:37.399 --> 01:13:40.729
People would be doing a theater production of anything. You
1384
01:13:40.750 --> 01:13:42.569
have to trick people into seeing theater.
1385
01:13:43.289 --> 01:13:48.510
It's so bizarre to me. I wonder how much control
1386
01:13:49.729 --> 01:13:54.020
the director had over what those trailers are going to be.
1387
01:13:54.640 --> 01:13:57.710
Or if the studio at some point intervenes or.
1388
01:13:59.779 --> 01:14:03.920
What the answer is. Because, again, you hid what the
1389
01:14:03.979 --> 01:14:07.220
majority of your movie is going to be like in
1390
01:14:07.420 --> 01:14:09.199
every single trailer.
1391
01:14:09.579 --> 01:14:09.760
Yeah.
1392
01:14:10.180 --> 01:14:14.899
And I don't know why you do that unless you're
1393
01:14:15.039 --> 01:14:19.310
someone very disconnected from the movie who looks at everything
1394
01:14:19.329 --> 01:14:23.390
you have and is like, the only thing that... This
1395
01:14:23.430 --> 01:14:26.869
movie is bad. The only thing that looks interesting is
1396
01:14:28.130 --> 01:14:31.189
the play that they're doing. So we're just going to see,
1397
01:14:33.329 --> 01:14:37.170
surely we'll trick a few tens of thousands of people
1398
01:14:37.210 --> 01:14:42.329
the first weekend. And then we're really fucked, but we
1399
01:14:42.369 --> 01:14:43.989
can get a few people in the door.
1400
01:14:44.010 --> 01:14:46.789
Yeah, that's future us's problem.
1401
01:14:47.130 --> 01:14:49.380
That how much does Tom Cruise have to say in
1402
01:14:49.409 --> 01:14:51.310
how the film was marketed? Like how much is that
1403
01:14:51.739 --> 01:14:54.100
him saying, because I would like to think that Tom
1404
01:14:54.159 --> 01:14:56.300
Cruise even can tell you what the poster is going
1405
01:14:56.319 --> 01:14:57.380
to look like. Yeah.
1406
01:14:57.840 --> 01:15:01.039
Yeah, and you're probably absolutely right that it is. The
1407
01:15:01.119 --> 01:15:04.300
one selling feature we have that is an elevator pitch,
1408
01:15:04.520 --> 01:15:06.579
like that's small enough that people are going to understand
1409
01:15:06.600 --> 01:15:08.689
it in a short amount of time, is you remember
1410
01:15:08.699 --> 01:15:10.100
how much fun it was to watch Tom Cruise in
1411
01:15:10.119 --> 01:15:13.289
Tropic Thunder? We did it again. Different guy, but we
1412
01:15:13.310 --> 01:15:15.970
did it again. And so if they'd advertised all of
1413
01:15:16.029 --> 01:15:19.970
Tropic Thunder as just Tom Cruise as that character and
1414
01:15:20.010 --> 01:15:22.069
not given you any of the other movie shit, you'd
1415
01:15:22.090 --> 01:15:25.789
have been like, okay, I'll watch Tom Cruise be crazy.
1416
01:15:25.810 --> 01:15:25.890
Yeah.
1417
01:15:26.939 --> 01:15:31.479
I do my... It's tough. My Tom Cruise fandom is
1418
01:15:31.500 --> 01:15:33.680
very tough because I will see every Mission Impossible they
1419
01:15:33.699 --> 01:15:36.640
make and every Top Gun they make, and I'll keep
1420
01:15:36.680 --> 01:15:42.520
watching them do those things. I feel like Lions for
1421
01:15:42.560 --> 01:15:46.239
Lambs came out and no one liked it or saw
1422
01:15:46.300 --> 01:15:47.439
it except me.
1423
01:15:48.539 --> 01:15:51.560
I literally don't know what that is. It's not a very....
1424
01:15:55.369 --> 01:16:00.939
I believe it's a war satire, but not like a
1425
01:16:00.979 --> 01:16:03.380
big broad war satire. I think it's just like the
1426
01:16:03.460 --> 01:16:06.319
business of war, maybe. And I think it's Tom Cruise
1427
01:16:06.340 --> 01:16:08.920
and Robert Redford and Andrew Garfield and Michael Pena and
1428
01:16:08.939 --> 01:16:11.600
like a bunch of... Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep. Bunch of people.
1429
01:16:12.000 --> 01:16:15.359
Movie didn't do well. And I think there were like
1430
01:16:15.619 --> 01:16:22.050
a couple of outside the box Tom Cruise roles in
1431
01:16:22.529 --> 01:16:28.090
the early 2000s. He's doing... Um, Rock of Ages where
1432
01:16:28.170 --> 01:16:31.100
that's an actual on purpose musical where he is playing
1433
01:16:31.140 --> 01:16:34.100
a rock star and he sings songs in it and
1434
01:16:34.359 --> 01:16:36.659
Lions for Lambs where he's like, I'm playing a character
1435
01:16:36.800 --> 01:16:38.520
in this movie. I'm like a slick, I'm an asshole
1436
01:16:38.560 --> 01:16:40.680
in this movie. I'm back to Tom Cruise being like
1437
01:16:40.840 --> 01:16:45.510
kind of a prick. And isn't that interesting? And enough
1438
01:16:45.529 --> 01:16:48.550
of those movies didn't do well that he just decided,
1439
01:16:48.850 --> 01:16:52.590
let me recalibrate and only make Mission Impossible movies and
1440
01:16:52.630 --> 01:16:57.140
movies that are kind of like Mission Impossible. Then he
1441
01:16:57.199 --> 01:16:59.989
comes out of hiding, comes out of Mission Impossible hiding
1442
01:17:00.390 --> 01:17:05.210
to do this Digger movie. And the only part of
1443
01:17:05.289 --> 01:17:08.350
me that wants to support it is the part of
1444
01:17:08.409 --> 01:17:12.189
me that wants to see if that will inspire Tom
1445
01:17:12.210 --> 01:17:16.220
Cruise to take more risks and do more interesting things.
1446
01:17:16.680 --> 01:17:20.020
When I feel like the failure of this, the only
1447
01:17:20.060 --> 01:17:22.630
lesson he's going to take from it is... I should
1448
01:17:22.649 --> 01:17:25.149
just do Mission Impossible movies. Mission Impossible and Top Gun
1449
01:17:25.170 --> 01:17:26.850
saved the movie theater, so I should just go back
1450
01:17:26.890 --> 01:17:28.130
to doing that. And that's the other thing that I'm
1451
01:17:28.149 --> 01:17:30.090
going to do. And then we'll get 10 more years
1452
01:17:30.149 --> 01:17:34.310
of Mission Impossible and Top Gun movies instead of 10
1453
01:17:34.310 --> 01:17:40.640
years of interesting Tom Cruise movies. And again, it's tough
1454
01:17:41.260 --> 01:17:44.260
to hear me complain about it because I'm going to
1455
01:17:44.279 --> 01:17:46.960
go see the Tom Cruise Mission Impossible. I'm still going
1456
01:17:46.979 --> 01:17:49.079
to get one of the things that I want.
1457
01:17:49.720 --> 01:17:52.859
The two films IMDb shows that he has in pre-production
1458
01:17:52.880 --> 01:17:58.220
right now is Days of Thunder 2. You saw the
1459
01:17:58.260 --> 01:18:02.770
little teaser video they did for that, right? No. He's
1460
01:18:02.810 --> 01:18:07.930
coming back as cold trickle. And Untitled, the thing that
1461
01:18:07.949 --> 01:18:11.250
they were going to shoot in space, Tom Cruise's SpaceX project,
1462
01:18:12.229 --> 01:18:15.670
which I don't know if the Elon Musk stuff has
1463
01:18:16.069 --> 01:18:18.779
made him not talk about that so much or if
1464
01:18:18.819 --> 01:18:23.960
that's still on or what. Yeah. But that's it.
1465
01:18:24.489 --> 01:18:27.569
Everything else is just rumored. I have heard about that.
1466
01:18:27.670 --> 01:18:30.470
That's what, this has been out there for years and years,
1467
01:18:30.710 --> 01:18:32.470
shooting a movie in space. This has been, and I
1468
01:18:32.510 --> 01:18:35.270
don't know if it's still going to happen. I don't know, like,
1469
01:18:35.369 --> 01:18:40.529
do they, does SpaceX have a spacecraft you would trust
1470
01:18:40.569 --> 01:18:43.369
to not explode with Tom Cruise on it? Don't they
1471
01:18:43.430 --> 01:18:44.399
always explode?
1472
01:18:45.260 --> 01:18:49.399
It will be so pissed if they kill spacex kills
1473
01:18:49.439 --> 01:18:52.300
tom cruise i know i know he wants to die
1474
01:18:52.340 --> 01:18:58.420
making movies but i but not not elon not fucking spacex.
1475
01:18:58.720 --> 01:19:00.970
Not the fact that they're making a days of thunder
1476
01:19:00.970 --> 01:19:04.569
2 is staggering that movie was career ruining for everyone
1477
01:19:04.630 --> 01:19:08.380
but tom cruise well jerry bruckheimer but like That movie
1478
01:19:08.520 --> 01:19:09.760
destroyed a bunch of careers.
1479
01:19:11.420 --> 01:19:13.500
By the way, if you, any kids out there, I
1480
01:19:13.539 --> 01:19:16.850
know you got a lot of children who listen. You
1481
01:19:16.859 --> 01:19:18.930
want to know what movies used to look like? Find
1482
01:19:19.090 --> 01:19:21.930
any clip from Days of Thunder and realize that's what
1483
01:19:22.010 --> 01:19:25.109
a bad movie used to look like. It's like the
1484
01:19:25.149 --> 01:19:28.090
most beautiful shot you've seen in your life. It's like
1485
01:19:28.109 --> 01:19:31.069
they waited until the actual sun was setting behind Tom
1486
01:19:31.130 --> 01:19:32.989
Cruise and he rides up on a motorcycle and this
1487
01:19:33.029 --> 01:19:35.439
hair is just, there's just enough wind. So it's just
1488
01:19:35.479 --> 01:19:39.770
drifting across his forehead. He's got sunglasses and the sunset
1489
01:19:39.810 --> 01:19:43.069
is just glinting off everything. There's like smoke everywhere for
1490
01:19:43.109 --> 01:19:44.050
some reason. Yeah.
1491
01:19:44.229 --> 01:19:44.489
Yeah.
1492
01:19:44.930 --> 01:19:47.710
And it's just everybody, everybody is hot. Like somehow like
1493
01:19:47.789 --> 01:19:51.369
Robert Duvall is like, everybody's like the sexiest they've ever
1494
01:19:51.430 --> 01:19:52.590
looked in their lives.
1495
01:19:52.729 --> 01:19:54.149
It's a cocaine movie for sure.
1496
01:19:54.180 --> 01:19:57.359
It's like Randy Quaid. It's like even Randy Quaid is
1497
01:19:57.460 --> 01:19:59.600
hot in this movie. Like how is it? Everybody's like
1498
01:19:59.800 --> 01:20:03.140
sweaty and tan and got five o'clock shadow and they're
1499
01:20:03.159 --> 01:20:05.340
taking off sunglasses. Like, what are you doing here, kid?
1500
01:20:05.359 --> 01:20:08.720
Like I'm here to drive the car. It's like, my God,
1501
01:20:08.779 --> 01:20:10.619
is that what the 80s used to look like? I
1502
01:20:10.619 --> 01:20:17.590
was like, no, that was Tony Scott.
1503
01:20:18.069 --> 01:20:19.489
Well, where do we land on this? Where does everybody
1504
01:20:19.529 --> 01:20:22.689
want from Tom Cruise? I want to say nice things
1505
01:20:22.930 --> 01:20:24.850
about him. I think he rules. I'm not going to
1506
01:20:24.890 --> 01:20:26.609
read the stuff about him that's going to make me sad.
1507
01:20:26.630 --> 01:20:29.569
I think there's a chance that we will be in
1508
01:20:29.609 --> 01:20:33.810
the same orbit, and I want him to FaceTime me.
1509
01:20:34.300 --> 01:20:36.180
My dad, and I know he would do it, and
1510
01:20:36.199 --> 01:20:38.350
it would be super game, and he would say all
1511
01:20:38.390 --> 01:20:40.010
the right things that you want Tom Cruise to say
1512
01:20:40.510 --> 01:20:44.229
to a dad on FaceTime. And so I love you, Tom.
1513
01:20:44.890 --> 01:20:48.859
You're the best. Can't wait. Can't wait to get in
1514
01:20:48.880 --> 01:20:51.199
the pain hole.
1515
01:20:51.560 --> 01:20:52.199
What's it called?
1516
01:20:52.220 --> 01:20:53.800
No, it's called the pain cave.
1517
01:20:54.340 --> 01:20:54.859
Cave.
1518
01:20:55.699 --> 01:20:57.560
See, when you call it the pain hole, you make
1519
01:20:57.600 --> 01:20:58.439
it sound dirty.
1520
01:20:59.310 --> 01:21:00.890
It's the pain cave.
1521
01:21:00.909 --> 01:21:02.529
That's what Tom Cruise calls it.
1522
01:21:03.510 --> 01:21:05.369
Where I've landed is I want two things. I want
1523
01:21:05.409 --> 01:21:07.550
to get in that pain cave with him because he
1524
01:21:07.609 --> 01:21:09.770
says it's open. It's open to anybody who's got the
1525
01:21:09.840 --> 01:21:13.340
fortitude to deal with it, to deal with the pain cave.
1526
01:21:14.420 --> 01:21:16.340
This is that fucking box from Dune.
1527
01:21:16.819 --> 01:21:19.479
And I want to get him to my house for
1528
01:21:19.520 --> 01:21:20.689
a Super Bowl just once.
1529
01:21:20.729 --> 01:21:23.430
Yeah. If I ever got in a situation where I
1530
01:21:23.449 --> 01:21:26.109
was somehow on an elevator with Tom Cruise, just the
1531
01:21:26.140 --> 01:21:28.000
two of us, a long elevator, we're going up to
1532
01:21:28.020 --> 01:21:30.960
a level to the 110th floor, just the two of us.
1533
01:21:31.659 --> 01:21:34.159
And if he started to say something to me, like, now,
1534
01:21:34.260 --> 01:21:38.600
who are you? I would just be like, you don't
1535
01:21:38.640 --> 01:21:43.909
got to do this. It's fine. Hey, Tom, I also
1536
01:21:44.710 --> 01:21:48.029
have lived my whole life feeling like I don't understand
1537
01:21:48.329 --> 01:21:50.909
why people are the way they are, what any of
1538
01:21:50.949 --> 01:21:52.560
this stuff is that they're saying to each other.
1539
01:21:52.579 --> 01:21:53.180
We can just sit here.
1540
01:21:53.680 --> 01:21:56.880
You don't have to pretend. Put on your human costume.
1541
01:21:58.819 --> 01:22:01.279
You invite me to a Super Bowl party, I also
1542
01:22:01.300 --> 01:22:03.560
am going to have no freaking idea what to say.
1543
01:22:03.579 --> 01:22:06.399
I don't know. I remember being in a locker room
1544
01:22:06.420 --> 01:22:08.279
in high school and all the stuff the kids were
1545
01:22:08.319 --> 01:22:11.909
saying to each other about the girls in class. It's like,
1546
01:22:12.170 --> 01:22:15.119
what the hell are they talking about? These people are crazy.
1547
01:22:15.539 --> 01:22:18.539
I'm the only sane person here. Look, you don't have to.
1548
01:22:18.760 --> 01:22:21.689
We're just going to enjoy this elevator ride in silence.
1549
01:22:21.850 --> 01:22:23.270
I know you've got a bunch of stuff in your mind.
1550
01:22:23.350 --> 01:22:27.010
So do I. It doesn't matter. You don't have to
1551
01:22:27.069 --> 01:22:29.789
create a story for me to tell later about, well, oh, yeah,
1552
01:22:29.829 --> 01:22:31.409
he was so cool. And he asked me what I
1553
01:22:31.449 --> 01:22:34.130
was doing. It's like, you don't care. I know you don't.
1554
01:22:34.229 --> 01:22:36.649
It's fine. I also kind of don't care what you're
1555
01:22:36.689 --> 01:22:40.710
up to. We're just going to exist together. silently on
1556
01:22:40.750 --> 01:22:43.250
this elevator together, and I think he would just feel
1557
01:22:43.350 --> 01:22:44.289
a little bit of relief.
1558
01:22:44.630 --> 01:22:46.170
The greatest gift he could have been given.
1559
01:22:47.270 --> 01:22:48.609
It's a shame he's got to kill you at the
1560
01:22:48.630 --> 01:22:51.699
end of that ride, though. That's such a bummer. Because
1561
01:22:51.720 --> 01:22:52.739
you saw behind the mask.
1562
01:22:55.220 --> 01:22:58.460
RIP, Jason. Well, everybody, thanks for listening. This has been
1563
01:22:58.520 --> 01:23:00.619
Quick Question with Soren and Daniel. You knew that. Special guest,
1564
01:23:00.640 --> 01:23:04.000
Jason Pargin. You should find his book. There are no
1565
01:23:04.100 --> 01:23:06.239
giant crabs in this novel. Is that correct, or is
1566
01:23:06.279 --> 01:23:06.550
it book?
1567
01:23:07.550 --> 01:23:10.810
There are no giant crabs in this novel. Great. A
1568
01:23:10.890 --> 01:23:13.720
novel of giant crabs. A novel of giant crabs. A
1569
01:23:13.760 --> 01:23:15.060
terrible title for a book.
1570
01:23:15.520 --> 01:23:18.840
You can find the audio book wherever those are sold.
1571
01:23:18.859 --> 01:23:21.119
You can find the e-version. And if you go to
1572
01:23:21.159 --> 01:23:25.000
the ports, just start digging through those crates. See if
1573
01:23:25.020 --> 01:23:26.859
they've got any of the books, if they haven't arrived yet.
1574
01:23:27.119 --> 01:23:29.520
He's got plenty of other books. If you don't want
1575
01:23:29.539 --> 01:23:31.979
to wait until Christmas, he's got plenty of other books
1576
01:23:32.020 --> 01:23:34.739
in the John Dye series, in the Zoe Ash series.
1577
01:23:34.840 --> 01:23:38.520
He's got, I'm starting to worry about this. Black Box
1578
01:23:38.539 --> 01:23:40.520
of Doom. Black Box of Doom? Big Box of Doom?
1579
01:23:41.619 --> 01:23:45.489
Everybody inserts the word big into the title. Everybody does it.
1580
01:23:45.510 --> 01:23:48.109
I think my agent did it once. It should have
1581
01:23:48.149 --> 01:23:50.890
been called, I'm starting to worry about this big box
1582
01:23:50.930 --> 01:23:54.319
of doom. It clearly rolls off the tongue easier because
1583
01:23:54.359 --> 01:23:57.579
that's how everybody remembers it, but it's black. I'm starting
1584
01:23:57.619 --> 01:23:59.600
to worry about this black box of doom.
1585
01:24:00.560 --> 01:24:04.819
Those are not subject to tariffs or the war, so
1586
01:24:04.859 --> 01:24:06.369
you can get those while you're waiting for the next
1587
01:24:06.409 --> 01:24:07.029
book to come out.
1588
01:24:07.149 --> 01:24:11.149
I mean, Dan. I had a friend just tell me
1589
01:24:11.210 --> 01:24:14.270
his paperback wasn't available, and they told him they have
1590
01:24:14.329 --> 01:24:16.869
no idea when it will be. This is across the board.
1591
01:24:16.890 --> 01:24:19.050
To be clear, the tariffs did not single me out.
1592
01:24:19.109 --> 01:24:23.069
This is not Trump tariffing me as an individual. This
1593
01:24:23.130 --> 01:24:26.109
is hitting every publisher. It's a nightmare. It says tariff.
1594
01:24:26.869 --> 01:24:30.109
totally thrown my entire life into turmoil. It's fine. Everything
1595
01:24:30.170 --> 01:24:30.550
is fine.
1596
01:24:31.250 --> 01:24:32.670
Well, Jason, thank you for being here. It was a
1597
01:24:32.689 --> 01:24:33.569
pleasure having you on.
1598
01:24:34.390 --> 01:24:36.899
Thank you for having me as the only guest on
1599
01:24:36.939 --> 01:24:37.399
your show.
1600
01:24:37.560 --> 01:24:38.119
Yeah, you're welcome.
1601
01:24:38.140 --> 01:24:39.739
Always. See you next year.
1602
01:24:40.079 --> 01:24:40.920
It's a dream for us.
1603
01:24:42.100 --> 01:24:46.939
I've got a quick, quick question for you, alright?
1604
01:24:47.079 --> 01:24:48.380
I want to.
1605
01:24:48.260 --> 01:24:51.149
Hear your thoughts on what's on your mind.
1606
01:24:52.210 --> 01:24:55.770
I've got a quick, quick question for you, alright?
1607
01:24:55.810 --> 01:24:58.569
The answer's not important, I'm just glad that we.
1608
01:24:58.729 --> 01:24:59.430
Could talk tonight.
1609
01:24:59.689 --> 01:25:03.369
So what's your favourite? Who did you get?
1610
01:25:03.409 --> 01:25:06.289
What will I be? What did I do?
1611
01:25:06.409 --> 01:25:07.750
Oh, forget it.
1612
01:25:07.810 --> 01:25:11.310
I saw a movie, Daniel O'Brien.
1613
01:25:11.979 --> 01:25:16.979
Two best friends and comedy writers. If there's an answer,
1614
01:25:17.000 --> 01:25:21.720
they're gonna find it. I think you'll have a great
1615
01:25:21.739 --> 01:25:25.289
time here I think you'll have
1616
01:25:25.310 --> 01:25:26.210
A great time here