WEBVTT
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Welcome to Project Giveback Connects, an extension
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of Project Giveback in the classrooms, dedicated
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to inspiring young students to become empathetic,
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understanding, and community -minded leaders.
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Project Giveback Connects offers a dose of inspiration
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and thoughts for discussion. Each live episode
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is taped and shared with classroom teachers and
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their students. Sit back, get cozy, let's get
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connected. Well, hello there and welcome to Project
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Giveback Connects Season 5 Episode 2. I have
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a quick story for you. When Beverly was young,
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she used to say to me when she was all overwhelmed,
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she would go, Mom, I'm Ness. And I went, Ness?
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What do you mean Ness? What is Ness? She said,
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well... It's a little bit of sadness, a little
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bit of happiness, a little bit of nervousness.
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It's all those emotions together. I thought,
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Oh, I get it. I get it. That's why we coined
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today's episode. The title was, was created by
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our guest today. And he said, every feeling is
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a message for you from you. Brilliant. That is
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Joshua Friedman. Joshua is a world expert on
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emotional intelligence. He is the CEO of Six
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Seconds, a nonprofit in over 150 countries. Ever
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heard of Microsoft, Amazon, FedEx, the Navy?
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Joshua has led EQ courses for these companies
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and many more. He just wrote his eighth book.
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It's called Emotion Rules. This is the book here.
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It's brilliant. I don't know if he knows, but
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I don't think he knew he was creating a coloring
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book because I took my highlighter and I literally,
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the whole book is highlighted and what we try
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to teach our kids is how to pick out important
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points. Well, I literally colored the whole thing.
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We are so excited to have him today. Welcome
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to Connex, Joshua. I'm so glad to be here and
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I love it when people are writing in the book.
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It makes me so happy. Problem is, Josh, I can't
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lend it to anyone. They're going to have to buy
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their own. It's all over this thing. We need
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a large edition with space for writing. So, Josh,
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can you please tell us What is emotional intelligence
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in your words and how you got into this world?
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Well, one of my favorite challenges is when an
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eight year old asks you something and you have
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to try to figure out how to explain it. And many
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years ago, I was asked to speak to a group of
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eight year olds about emotional intelligence.
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And so I talked to my kids and I'm like, what
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do I say? And my first thing that I came up with
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was smarter about feelings. And then I said,
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you know, that's not right. It's not being smart
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about feelings. That's kind of what researchers
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and psychologists do. So I changed it to being
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smarter with feelings. Now, a more complex, messy
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definition would be accurately acquiring emotional
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data, appraising it well, and then using it to
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effectively solve problems. And that, by the
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way, is the definition of regular old intelligence.
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If you just take out the emotions, if you look
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in the dictionary, what is intelligence? Well,
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we get the data, we assess it, and then we apply
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it. And we can do that with math, we can do that
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with words, we can do that with emotions. So
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you saw the movie inside out, right? Yeah, so
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basically what you are saying is we all have
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all that inside us like the little girl and We
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have to find the ones that speak to us because
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they're telling us something Yeah, I love that
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movie just like made my work so much easier Yeah
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We have all these different feelings, and I think
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so much of the movie, they got right. Those feelings
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in us are not just in our heads. In fact, our
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brains aren't just in our heads. I didn't really
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realize this, but we have brain cells that are
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two meters long. our brain goes down it's not
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a separate thing our brain itself goes down through
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our spine all the way down to our toes uh so
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antonio dimazio one of my favorite neuroscientists
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says emotions are embodied emotions are part
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of our whole self and Candice Pert, one of our
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late advisory board members, used to say, we
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have a chemical, we have these brain cells that
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connect us, but we also have a chemical system
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that connects us, and that's emotions. And these
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emotion messages are going back and forth through
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the different parts of our body, including the
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part up here, and carrying messages about what
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we're perceiving, about opportunities, about
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threats. And those chemicals are affecting every
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living cell. And they affect all our systems.
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They affect our thinking. They affect our heart
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rate. They affect our digestion, our immunity.
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And of course, we can feel them physically. We
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can feel those effects. And that's why in English,
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and not in all languages, but in English, we
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say, I can feel my glasses cold. I can feel worried.
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We physically sense that. So will you explain
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the six seconds rule, what it is, and how we
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can put that into action? So these chemicals
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that are running around affecting everything,
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everything we perceive, everything we decide
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is true. Every thought, every decision is being
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affected by these emotions. And there's a big
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mix of them. these chemicals last for around
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six seconds and sometimes it's shorter sometimes
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it's longer but if you've ever been you know
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worried about something for two weeks those chemicals
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they were completely recycled they were completely
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absorbed and brought out again and again and
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again and again and if you what neuroscientists
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talk about a cascade effect So a little bit of
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this chemical goes into different cells, multiplying
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more and more and more and more until your whole
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self is flooded. If you interrupt that cascade
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for about six seconds, the flood subsides. And
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that doesn't mean you're going to ignore the
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feeling, but you're going to be able to tune
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into it. And also tune into the other feelings
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that you have. Sometimes I think about feelings
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are like kids on a playground saying, I want
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to play this, I want to play this, I want to
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play that, right? And like, we don't need to
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let the loudest voice be the one that drives
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us. We can start listening and going, oh, actually
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there are multiple perspectives. Every feeling
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is offering me a perspective. This feeling is
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offering me a perspective about what the risks
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are. This feeling's offering me a perspective
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about what I really care about, my values. This
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feeling's affecting, asking me to kind of think
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about how other people are seeing it. This feeling's
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asking me to think about what's in the way. This
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feeling's asking me to think about what I could
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do. And so these different feelings offer different
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perspectives. And as I tune into those different
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perspectives, I get smarter and maybe even wiser.
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So, you're driving your car and somebody cuts
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you right off, right? You know the feeling, you
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know what's going to happen and you want to put
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your hand on that horn and go like this. So,
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what do you do in that circumstance to allow
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your EQ to work for you and with you? Yeah, there's
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that great quote from Viktor Frankl. there's
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a between stimulus and response there's a space
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and in that space lives our freedom and something
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what if we can expand that space right and that
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moment it's it seems instantaneous that car cut
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me off my hands on the horn but it's not actually
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instantaneous there's a little tiny space and
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What if we could slow down just a little bit
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and go? Oh, I'm noticing this my hands on the
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way to the horn slow motion Wait a minute. Is
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that what I really want to do? Right and that's
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the question. Is that what I really want? What
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is the result this is gonna have is that the
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result I really want to have and we're gonna
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do a little bit of predicting the future There's
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a little slow down, a little predicting in the
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future. What's gonna get me what I really want?
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Part of me wants to, you know, like, lay into
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them with that horn, but is that what I really
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want? And if it is, put your hand on the horn,
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go for it. But it might not be. For me, it isn't.
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For me, that's not who I really wanna be. And
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so, it's not gonna help anything. It's gonna
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give me this little short -term, like, that kind
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of feels good for a second, but it's not gonna
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actually make the world a better place. So my
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question keeps coming back to, okay, well, what
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is the option that's gonna actually make the
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world better for me and others? And if I can
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slow down that reaction just a little bit, that
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gives me a tiny bit of space to ask that question.
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Thank you. Yeah, we can control that. We can
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control all of our actions, right? With that
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six seconds pause and rethink it. Let another
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emotion come in. Let that one go, right? And
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we can control that, can't we? Well, and there's
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insight in that. Maybe it's anger. That tells
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me something useful, but I don't need to let
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that feeling be the boss of me. And I used to
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say that to my kids and it's actually one of
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the emotion rules. Emotions are great advisors,
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but they're terrible bosses. We can listen to
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them and we can tune into them, but we don't
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need to let them run the show. In your book and
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on your site, I encourage everybody to check
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out his website. There's so many great graphics
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in there and you can actually take EQ quizzes.
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It's a lot of fun. But you have that wheel of
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feelings chart and just noticing what all those
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feelings are and how they're all connected is
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so helpful to even have, have beside you, have
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in your desk. What brought you to that wheel?
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Well, I was not comfortable with feelings. I
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was afraid of feelings, if I'm honest. They seemed
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really overwhelming and chaotic and confusing.
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And somehow I stumbled into working for an organization
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that was teaching about emotions. And I started
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to try to understand it as a scientist. And I'm
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pretty maybe overly rational. But I thought okay
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if I can figure this out and make sense of feelings
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from a rational perspective I can be more comfortable
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with them and that's that's what happened for
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me and so The emotion wheel and a bunch of other
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models that I have in the book and on our websites
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and other materials When we start to see emotions
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have a logic. It's not the same logic as math
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but English has a particular logic, French has
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a particular logic. They're not the same logic.
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It doesn't mean that one is illogical. It means
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you structure your sentences slightly differently
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depending on the language you're speaking. And
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by the way, if you're speaking Japanese, you
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have to learn a really different structure. And
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so if we try to apply the structure of math,
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we're going to say, ah, these things are totally
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irrational. That's just us not knowing and using
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the wrong tool for the job. So the for me this
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study of emotional logic and trying to understand
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the rules of feelings and What really is anger
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and what's the difference between anger and frustration?
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like we have two different words why like what
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does it mean or sorrow and disappointment, they're
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not the same thing and By the way, as you well
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know sorrow and grief are not the same thing
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and there's a richness for us as we start to
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discover these kind of deeper meanings and find,
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oh, I can describe this state accurately. And
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it means a particular thing. And as we begin
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to build our more nuanced emotional vocabulary,
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we can describe our own and others' experiences
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more clearly, which helps us make sense of them
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and helps others make sense of them. So this
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work of being able to say okay I'm having this
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experience let me kind of tease it apart and
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then label it that's our emotional experience
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our affect and our words which is part of our
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cognition working together that's emotional intelligence
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at work just naming what you're feeling accurately
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is a huge step so kind of long answer to say
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I was just got fascinated by Like, how do you
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make sense of all this stuff? And wow, there's
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like a thousand words and I use like three. Let
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me try to understand this more. And that's now
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being a 30 year project. Yeah, that's what happens.
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You know, thank goodness that's what happens.
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Just recently, I was at a Brandy Carlisle concert.
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And have you been to one of her concerts? No.
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Oh, if you can go. Because when she sings, the
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world stops. So there's one, there was one song
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that she wrote with Alton John, Believing in
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Angels, and she sings with her band. It's all
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acapella. They put down their instruments and
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the whole arena just comes to life. And I'm listening
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to this music and I started to cry. Like just,
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not just, sobbing. Yeah. Because I felt Jacob
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there. Yeah. I felt my son there. So it was just
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all of a sudden these feelings, nests, Bevy would
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call it, but I knew this is grief. Like this
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is true grief. And I was so grateful for it because
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it, it, and on the wheel, I don't even think
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they're related, but it, it brought Jacob to
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me and I was so grateful because he would have
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loved that concert so much So there's so complicated
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feelings and emotions But I was when I was reading
00:17:02.139 --> 00:17:05.059
your book when when or I wasn't reading your
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book then it was it was Your book just came after
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that but I was following you and I thought about
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that. What what am I feeling? And that was it.
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I'm feeling sad, but I'm feeling grateful Yeah,
00:17:17.579 --> 00:17:22.059
and that sorrow and love together, loss and love
00:17:22.059 --> 00:17:27.259
together, that's grief. Yeah, it sure is. And
00:17:27.259 --> 00:17:32.339
it's hard. Mm -hmm. But it's also so beautiful.
00:17:32.940 --> 00:17:38.759
Mm -hmm. Yeah. And something I find so precious
00:17:38.759 --> 00:17:45.559
about grief is I think we see things so clearly
00:17:45.559 --> 00:17:49.059
through the lens of grief. Like, what really
00:17:49.059 --> 00:17:56.420
matters becomes so vivid and so simple. And then
00:17:56.420 --> 00:18:02.319
we go back to the, like, nest. But doesn't that
00:18:02.319 --> 00:18:06.420
always happen when we hit those hard, hard times?
00:18:07.220 --> 00:18:11.480
That's when we learn. That's when we really understand.
00:18:11.859 --> 00:18:15.819
And when we're... We're never broken, but when
00:18:15.819 --> 00:18:19.640
we are rock bottom almost, that's when the gratitude
00:18:19.640 --> 00:18:22.940
really shines through because our expectations
00:18:22.940 --> 00:18:26.579
are so low that we see the world so differently.
00:18:27.619 --> 00:18:31.380
Yeah. I mean, there's just something. So where
00:18:31.380 --> 00:18:36.539
I live here in California, one of the things
00:18:36.539 --> 00:18:39.599
I love to do is walk on the beach and find sea
00:18:39.599 --> 00:18:45.559
glass. you know somebody's drinking and they
00:18:45.559 --> 00:18:48.720
throw a bottle and it shatters which you know
00:18:48.720 --> 00:18:53.119
probably is not a great choice but that aside
00:18:53.119 --> 00:18:58.119
the the downstream of that is this these pieces
00:18:58.119 --> 00:19:02.819
of glass get polished and polished and polished
00:19:02.819 --> 00:19:05.579
and then by the time they come on the beach they're
00:19:05.579 --> 00:19:08.859
like these little gems and they're so smooth
00:19:09.480 --> 00:19:12.140
And I love it when you're walking on the beach,
00:19:12.720 --> 00:19:14.799
particularly early in the morning or late in
00:19:14.799 --> 00:19:18.779
the day and the sun is kind of slanting and they
00:19:18.779 --> 00:19:23.180
glow. There's little gems. And what happened
00:19:23.180 --> 00:19:29.480
for me is when my wife said, oh, I think there's
00:19:29.480 --> 00:19:31.900
sea glass on this beach. I'm like, what's sea
00:19:31.900 --> 00:19:35.500
glass? I knew nothing about it. And we started
00:19:35.500 --> 00:19:40.579
looking and I mean, that was, 25 years ago or
00:19:40.579 --> 00:19:44.420
something. But now I can't go to any beach anywhere
00:19:44.420 --> 00:19:48.880
without looking for it. And I see it all over
00:19:48.880 --> 00:19:52.700
the world, actually, now. But you become attuned
00:19:52.700 --> 00:19:56.579
to seeing these gems. It's beauty, the ordinary
00:19:56.579 --> 00:20:00.539
beauty in things. Yeah, and I think that that,
00:20:00.539 --> 00:20:04.579
you know, moments of like intense struggle from
00:20:04.579 --> 00:20:11.480
that shattering. something is polished. And sometimes
00:20:11.480 --> 00:20:15.779
it's lost at sea for a really long time. But
00:20:15.779 --> 00:20:18.579
sometimes it comes up on the beach and this gem
00:20:18.579 --> 00:20:22.579
is there. And I think about how hard experiences
00:20:22.579 --> 00:20:27.920
in our lives are polishing something in us. Wow,
00:20:28.059 --> 00:20:31.440
beautifully said. So speaking about your traveling,
00:20:32.440 --> 00:20:36.210
you did something that is so fascinating and
00:20:36.210 --> 00:20:41.289
many of us do not do. Will you tell our audience
00:20:41.289 --> 00:20:44.609
about when you first started this new gig and
00:20:44.609 --> 00:20:47.450
you traveled the world and pulled your kids out
00:20:47.450 --> 00:20:50.710
of school and traveled with them. You had a great
00:20:50.710 --> 00:20:53.890
expression and what you did with them and what
00:20:53.890 --> 00:20:58.170
they learned and how they apply their lives there
00:20:58.170 --> 00:21:01.910
then with their lives now like that world learning.
00:21:03.430 --> 00:21:06.390
Yeah, I mean long before we had kids my wife
00:21:06.390 --> 00:21:09.509
and I were teachers and one of our friends went
00:21:09.509 --> 00:21:12.549
and taught for a couple of years at an international
00:21:12.549 --> 00:21:16.549
school and We were both like wow if we ever have
00:21:16.549 --> 00:21:21.529
kids we have to do that and it just was such
00:21:21.529 --> 00:21:25.730
a like Mind -opening experience for my my friends
00:21:25.730 --> 00:21:31.390
kids and for my friend So fast forward I was
00:21:31.390 --> 00:21:34.460
traveling a lot for work and we had an eight
00:21:34.460 --> 00:21:37.900
and ten year old at the time. And we decided
00:21:37.900 --> 00:21:40.519
that we would homeschool for a couple of years
00:21:40.519 --> 00:21:47.599
and travel together. And we, because of the way
00:21:47.599 --> 00:21:51.079
my work worked then and to some degree works
00:21:51.079 --> 00:21:56.380
now, I was able to go someplace for a month or
00:21:56.380 --> 00:21:59.680
two. And so we would go and we'd spend six weeks
00:21:59.680 --> 00:22:02.460
in Southeast Asia. And I would do some work in
00:22:02.460 --> 00:22:05.220
Singapore and then we would go as a family to
00:22:05.220 --> 00:22:10.440
Borneo. And the kids would study Borneo was the
00:22:10.440 --> 00:22:13.640
first place we went. Before we went, they started
00:22:13.640 --> 00:22:15.700
studying Borneo and thinking about what's something
00:22:15.700 --> 00:22:19.859
I want to discover there. And one of them wanted
00:22:19.859 --> 00:22:21.900
to learn about orangutans and one of them wanted
00:22:21.900 --> 00:22:25.059
to learn about Rafflesia flowers, the world's
00:22:25.059 --> 00:22:31.140
largest flower. And so we did. The Orangutan
00:22:31.140 --> 00:22:33.740
Project turned into a really big thing in our
00:22:33.740 --> 00:22:38.640
family and our kids became very committed to
00:22:38.640 --> 00:22:43.859
the environment and helping understand how kids
00:22:43.859 --> 00:22:49.539
can influence the way we as humans are interacting
00:22:49.539 --> 00:22:54.180
with the natural world. So it was a big quest.
00:22:54.940 --> 00:22:59.259
But the traveling and living together, on the
00:22:59.259 --> 00:23:02.480
road, which is very different than kind of taking
00:23:02.480 --> 00:23:05.779
a trip or being a tourist. Living on the road
00:23:05.779 --> 00:23:15.099
as a family was intensely difficult and so enriching.
00:23:15.339 --> 00:23:17.460
Now, there was a period of time where the kids
00:23:17.460 --> 00:23:20.980
were like really, you know, when they were teenagers,
00:23:20.980 --> 00:23:24.920
they were very critical about this choice. And
00:23:24.920 --> 00:23:28.119
now that they're in their mid 20s, late 20s,
00:23:28.809 --> 00:23:33.609
They both see this as so formative of helping
00:23:33.609 --> 00:23:38.069
them have a much broader view of the world So
00:23:38.069 --> 00:23:41.130
I think the downside was they were they made
00:23:41.130 --> 00:23:45.289
them really different But the upside was it made
00:23:45.289 --> 00:23:49.160
them really different You had an expression that
00:23:49.160 --> 00:23:52.519
you use them about taste. What was the expression
00:23:52.519 --> 00:23:55.359
that you said? Embrace the taste. Oh my gosh,
00:23:55.400 --> 00:23:59.200
I can't believe you read that. Embrace the taste.
00:23:59.640 --> 00:24:02.900
Because I thought that was brilliant. It's not
00:24:02.900 --> 00:24:07.859
embrace the mac and cheese, right? I bet your
00:24:07.859 --> 00:24:11.240
kids eat everything because of that experience.
00:24:11.880 --> 00:24:15.220
I mean, it is fascinating. Max, when he was eight,
00:24:15.660 --> 00:24:20.480
was very much in the like a camel. He had the
00:24:20.480 --> 00:24:23.480
ability to wait until there was pasta. And then
00:24:23.480 --> 00:24:25.119
when there was pasta, he would eat like this
00:24:25.119 --> 00:24:33.740
much. Did you go to Italy? I hope we did. But
00:24:33.740 --> 00:24:37.740
yeah, they're both. I mean, I don't know how
00:24:37.740 --> 00:24:40.559
much of it is, you know, it's rooted in this,
00:24:40.579 --> 00:24:43.960
but they both really adventurous human beings
00:24:43.960 --> 00:24:48.059
and really open and engaged in the world and
00:24:48.059 --> 00:24:53.000
and they do they embrace the taste and uh yeah
00:24:53.000 --> 00:24:55.380
max it's hilarious to me this like remembering
00:24:55.380 --> 00:24:57.799
this little eight -year -old who's like can i
00:24:57.799 --> 00:25:02.119
have rice and now he like cooks everything and
00:25:02.119 --> 00:25:08.240
it's incredibly healthy so how are you feeling
00:25:08.240 --> 00:25:11.079
today like how how speaking of feelings how are
00:25:11.079 --> 00:25:13.900
you feeling Oh my gosh well you know this that
00:25:13.900 --> 00:25:18.579
you brought this up I just feel um so grateful
00:25:18.579 --> 00:25:22.839
to have had that experience and um I just talking
00:25:22.839 --> 00:25:26.380
last night um we had a little book club and someone
00:25:26.380 --> 00:25:29.900
was asking about the process of writing and M
00:25:29.900 --> 00:25:37.680
our older child um who's uh 27 in a couple weeks
00:25:37.680 --> 00:25:42.809
um helped edit the book. And working with them
00:25:42.809 --> 00:25:46.609
on the book was such a gift. Isn't that nice?
00:25:46.769 --> 00:25:51.089
And so I'm just I'm feeling tremendous gratitude
00:25:51.089 --> 00:25:56.750
and also nostalgia. And that like remembering
00:25:56.750 --> 00:26:01.210
those those days of looking for Rafflesia flowers.
00:26:02.670 --> 00:26:05.789
I feel like there is a there is a grief in your
00:26:05.789 --> 00:26:13.250
kids getting older. And and a joy. And these
00:26:13.250 --> 00:26:21.390
seasons of change are change. Change. So what
00:26:21.390 --> 00:26:25.730
would you offer our audience, our followers,
00:26:26.069 --> 00:26:30.470
its moms, its teachers, its students, it's basically
00:26:30.470 --> 00:26:35.009
everyone, a lot of parents. What's something
00:26:35.009 --> 00:26:37.809
that you, with all your expertise, if you could
00:26:37.809 --> 00:26:41.869
offer? One important message that that they are
00:26:41.869 --> 00:26:44.009
going to walk away that you want to make sure
00:26:44.009 --> 00:26:47.869
they have learned and note Yeah, what would that
00:26:47.869 --> 00:26:57.049
be? Well, I would like to have two please Remembering
00:26:57.049 --> 00:27:00.789
when the kids were little at one point. I started
00:27:00.789 --> 00:27:03.109
thinking about what is my biggest regret as a
00:27:03.109 --> 00:27:08.000
parent and What I came to was those moments where
00:27:08.000 --> 00:27:11.299
I said something to the effect of, well, you've
00:27:11.299 --> 00:27:16.079
ruined the whole day. I'm embarrassed to say
00:27:16.079 --> 00:27:18.599
this, but there were some of those days where
00:27:18.599 --> 00:27:20.759
we're having a big fight and it's like, we've
00:27:20.759 --> 00:27:22.259
been doing some things on ice and now you've
00:27:22.259 --> 00:27:26.079
ruined it. And the kids tell me they have zero
00:27:26.079 --> 00:27:29.140
memory of this, so I feel good about it now.
00:27:29.799 --> 00:27:34.559
But it really hit me when just probably... you
00:27:34.559 --> 00:27:36.779
know, when they were in their late teens, I was
00:27:36.779 --> 00:27:42.019
thinking about this. The lesson for me that I
00:27:42.019 --> 00:27:46.500
want is, it's really a growth mindset lesson,
00:27:46.640 --> 00:27:50.140
an optimism lesson, which is difficult things
00:27:50.140 --> 00:27:52.579
happen, we make mistakes, we screw things up.
00:27:52.759 --> 00:27:56.180
That doesn't change the past. It doesn't change
00:27:56.180 --> 00:27:58.220
what was good. It doesn't change what we learned.
00:27:58.500 --> 00:28:00.839
And by the way, it might even just be fine. That
00:28:00.839 --> 00:28:08.059
might help us. So I would just really hope all
00:28:08.059 --> 00:28:11.960
of us as parents and people who care and support
00:28:11.960 --> 00:28:16.880
kids can help kids see when something goes wrong,
00:28:16.940 --> 00:28:21.339
it doesn't in any way erase any of the good stuff.
00:28:23.359 --> 00:28:29.859
Even if you do something really messy or really
00:28:29.859 --> 00:28:33.019
destructive or really problematic. It doesn't
00:28:33.019 --> 00:28:35.200
erase the good stuff about who you are and what
00:28:35.200 --> 00:28:38.440
you've done. And so I would like all of us to
00:28:38.440 --> 00:28:43.000
really honor the strengths that kids have and
00:28:43.000 --> 00:28:47.440
the goodness that they offer and the learning
00:28:47.440 --> 00:28:51.519
that they're doing. And that when something goes
00:28:51.519 --> 00:28:56.339
wrong, that that's not a bad thing. It doesn't
00:28:56.339 --> 00:29:00.519
undo the good. It means there's something else
00:29:00.519 --> 00:29:07.369
to learn. So that's the complicated one. And
00:29:07.369 --> 00:29:12.509
the easy one is we all have feelings all the
00:29:12.509 --> 00:29:16.289
time. They're there. And we can pretend they're
00:29:16.289 --> 00:29:20.329
not, and we can try to ignore them. But that
00:29:20.329 --> 00:29:24.690
doesn't actually help with anything. And so if
00:29:24.690 --> 00:29:28.450
we can help ourselves and the kids around us,
00:29:28.789 --> 00:29:32.119
just notice and name. Oh, it looks like you're
00:29:32.119 --> 00:29:36.940
having some feelings. What's up for you? And
00:29:36.940 --> 00:29:38.920
when they're little, they might not know the
00:29:38.920 --> 00:29:41.680
words and we might have to say, well, it looks
00:29:41.680 --> 00:29:44.980
like maybe sad. Is there some sad going on there?
00:29:45.099 --> 00:29:46.859
You know, what else is in that? Like, oh, are
00:29:46.859 --> 00:29:51.319
you also mad? We used to have a basket of, I'll
00:29:51.319 --> 00:29:58.279
show you. I love these cards. We used to have
00:29:58.279 --> 00:30:03.880
a basket of these cards on the table. And whenever
00:30:03.880 --> 00:30:10.039
one of these moments was coming up, we'd kind
00:30:10.039 --> 00:30:12.160
of pull the basket out and the kids were like,
00:30:12.160 --> 00:30:15.460
don't, not the basket. And then they would start
00:30:15.460 --> 00:30:17.859
picking through the cards and going, well, there's
00:30:17.859 --> 00:30:19.960
some of this and some of this. We don't have
00:30:19.960 --> 00:30:24.019
to use words. We can identify and share feelings
00:30:24.019 --> 00:30:26.900
with like, we can squiggle it. We can dance it.
00:30:27.460 --> 00:30:30.519
We can clap it. You know, and we can use words
00:30:30.519 --> 00:30:35.400
as well, but just acknowledging, okay, that's
00:30:35.400 --> 00:30:37.640
some feelings. You don't need to fix it. You
00:30:37.640 --> 00:30:41.220
don't need to solve it. And I used to think that
00:30:41.220 --> 00:30:43.000
when somebody told me their feeling, I had to
00:30:43.000 --> 00:30:45.460
do something about it. And what I've learned
00:30:45.460 --> 00:30:48.440
is you can just say, wow, thank you. Thanks for
00:30:48.440 --> 00:30:53.660
sharing. That's it. Exactly. The fixers in us
00:30:53.660 --> 00:30:56.910
want to make it all better. But sometimes by
00:30:56.910 --> 00:30:58.950
telling them what to do, we're not, we're not
00:30:58.950 --> 00:31:02.190
helping anything by letting them sit. That's
00:31:02.190 --> 00:31:04.210
one thing my husband would always say to me,
00:31:04.210 --> 00:31:07.789
Ellen, they need to feel this. They need to feel
00:31:07.789 --> 00:31:10.410
this as I'm kind of sneaking into their room
00:31:10.410 --> 00:31:13.549
to go, it's okay, it's okay. But no, he was right.
00:31:13.650 --> 00:31:16.289
They need to feel it to learn, right? They need
00:31:16.289 --> 00:31:19.309
those emotions and we all need those emotions.
00:31:19.789 --> 00:31:25.589
The good ones and the not so good ones. I also
00:31:25.589 --> 00:31:27.630
found, you know, with your husband's advice,
00:31:28.210 --> 00:31:31.630
I would want to talk, particularly with them.
00:31:32.210 --> 00:31:34.430
They would have some big feelings and I would
00:31:34.430 --> 00:31:37.529
want to talk about it right away. And what I
00:31:37.529 --> 00:31:42.150
learned much later was particularly given, you
00:31:42.150 --> 00:31:44.230
know, learning about their kind of some of the
00:31:44.230 --> 00:31:46.970
challenges they felt faced later with emotions
00:31:46.970 --> 00:31:50.369
led me to realize, oh, they just needed more
00:31:50.369 --> 00:31:55.960
space. And something that I stumbled on uh, when
00:31:55.960 --> 00:32:00.059
I was little was let's both go to our rooms and
00:32:00.059 --> 00:32:02.720
take a break. And when you're ready to talk,
00:32:03.460 --> 00:32:09.420
let me know. And that was super. Yeah. Yeah.
00:32:09.539 --> 00:32:13.359
You are a treat. And I just feel this is just
00:32:13.359 --> 00:32:16.819
the beginning. I, we have so much to say and
00:32:16.819 --> 00:32:20.519
you have so much to learn. I really want you
00:32:20.519 --> 00:32:25.400
all to purchase Josh's book. to check out his
00:32:25.400 --> 00:32:28.900
website, to check out his LinkedIn page for those
00:32:28.900 --> 00:32:32.579
of you on LinkedIn, his Instagram, tell them
00:32:32.579 --> 00:32:37.359
your handles, please. So the Instagram is six
00:32:37.359 --> 00:32:42.539
seconds EQ and actually my wife manages that
00:32:42.539 --> 00:32:45.940
six seconds Instagram and her work is just, I
00:32:45.940 --> 00:32:48.500
think it's better than what we do on LinkedIn.
00:32:48.660 --> 00:32:52.359
Honestly, it's really engaging. So it's the number
00:32:52.359 --> 00:32:56.710
six. six seconds EQ. And then on LinkedIn, it's
00:32:56.710 --> 00:33:02.210
Joshua Friedman. Yeah, thank you so much, Josh.
00:33:02.309 --> 00:33:05.349
Thank you for being here. Thank you for all your
00:33:05.349 --> 00:33:08.769
practical and engaging and important lessons.
00:33:09.589 --> 00:33:13.490
This has just been such a treat. I'm feeling
00:33:13.490 --> 00:33:18.690
happy. I'm feeling motivated. I'm feeling inspired.
00:33:19.309 --> 00:33:22.549
and I'm feeling proud to be able to know you
00:33:22.549 --> 00:33:26.369
and share your purpose and meaning. So thank
00:33:26.369 --> 00:33:30.369
you and to all of you. Oops, go ahead, go ahead.
00:33:30.490 --> 00:33:32.130
I'm just going to say thank you and thank you
00:33:32.130 --> 00:33:37.549
to all of you. So everyone, my message always
00:33:37.549 --> 00:33:40.970
to you, let's be kinder to one another, let's
00:33:40.970 --> 00:33:44.730
embrace one another, let's learn from one another,
00:33:44.730 --> 00:33:50.390
and we'll see you soon. Thank you. Open your
00:33:50.390 --> 00:33:51.529
heart today
00:00:01.680 --> 00:00:05.360
Welcome to Project Giveback Connects, an extension
00:00:05.360 --> 00:00:08.439
of Project Giveback in the classrooms, dedicated
00:00:08.439 --> 00:00:11.660
to inspiring young students to become empathetic,
00:00:12.080 --> 00:00:15.300
understanding, and community -minded leaders.
00:00:16.059 --> 00:00:18.940
Project Giveback Connects offers a dose of inspiration
00:00:18.940 --> 00:00:22.160
and thoughts for discussion. Each live episode
00:00:22.160 --> 00:00:24.679
is taped and shared with classroom teachers and
00:00:24.679 --> 00:00:28.559
their students. Sit back, get cozy, let's get
00:00:28.559 --> 00:00:37.490
connected. Well, hello there and welcome to Project
00:00:37.490 --> 00:00:43.429
Giveback Connects Season 5 Episode 2. I have
00:00:43.429 --> 00:00:47.329
a quick story for you. When Beverly was young,
00:00:47.990 --> 00:00:50.829
she used to say to me when she was all overwhelmed,
00:00:50.869 --> 00:00:55.909
she would go, Mom, I'm Ness. And I went, Ness?
00:00:56.570 --> 00:00:59.149
What do you mean Ness? What is Ness? She said,
00:00:59.170 --> 00:01:02.579
well... It's a little bit of sadness, a little
00:01:02.579 --> 00:01:05.659
bit of happiness, a little bit of nervousness.
00:01:06.099 --> 00:01:09.799
It's all those emotions together. I thought,
00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:15.760
Oh, I get it. I get it. That's why we coined
00:01:15.760 --> 00:01:20.560
today's episode. The title was, was created by
00:01:20.560 --> 00:01:24.879
our guest today. And he said, every feeling is
00:01:24.879 --> 00:01:31.200
a message for you from you. Brilliant. That is
00:01:31.200 --> 00:01:36.420
Joshua Friedman. Joshua is a world expert on
00:01:36.420 --> 00:01:41.140
emotional intelligence. He is the CEO of Six
00:01:41.140 --> 00:01:46.680
Seconds, a nonprofit in over 150 countries. Ever
00:01:46.680 --> 00:01:51.219
heard of Microsoft, Amazon, FedEx, the Navy?
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Joshua has led EQ courses for these companies
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and many more. He just wrote his eighth book.
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It's called Emotion Rules. This is the book here.
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It's brilliant. I don't know if he knows, but
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I don't think he knew he was creating a coloring
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book because I took my highlighter and I literally,
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the whole book is highlighted and what we try
00:02:19.840 --> 00:02:23.020
to teach our kids is how to pick out important
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points. Well, I literally colored the whole thing.
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We are so excited to have him today. Welcome
00:02:32.259 --> 00:02:36.240
to Connex, Joshua. I'm so glad to be here and
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I love it when people are writing in the book.
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It makes me so happy. Problem is, Josh, I can't
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lend it to anyone. They're going to have to buy
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their own. It's all over this thing. We need
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a large edition with space for writing. So, Josh,
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can you please tell us What is emotional intelligence
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in your words and how you got into this world?
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Well, one of my favorite challenges is when an
00:03:09.750 --> 00:03:12.330
eight year old asks you something and you have
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to try to figure out how to explain it. And many
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years ago, I was asked to speak to a group of
00:03:18.409 --> 00:03:20.530
eight year olds about emotional intelligence.
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And so I talked to my kids and I'm like, what
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do I say? And my first thing that I came up with
00:03:28.080 --> 00:03:31.979
was smarter about feelings. And then I said,
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you know, that's not right. It's not being smart
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about feelings. That's kind of what researchers
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and psychologists do. So I changed it to being
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smarter with feelings. Now, a more complex, messy
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definition would be accurately acquiring emotional
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data, appraising it well, and then using it to
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effectively solve problems. And that, by the
00:04:05.780 --> 00:04:08.199
way, is the definition of regular old intelligence.
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If you just take out the emotions, if you look
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in the dictionary, what is intelligence? Well,
00:04:12.680 --> 00:04:15.819
we get the data, we assess it, and then we apply
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it. And we can do that with math, we can do that
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with words, we can do that with emotions. So
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you saw the movie inside out, right? Yeah, so
00:04:27.800 --> 00:04:33.439
basically what you are saying is we all have
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all that inside us like the little girl and We
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have to find the ones that speak to us because
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they're telling us something Yeah, I love that
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movie just like made my work so much easier Yeah
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We have all these different feelings, and I think
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so much of the movie, they got right. Those feelings
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in us are not just in our heads. In fact, our
00:05:06.209 --> 00:05:09.709
brains aren't just in our heads. I didn't really
00:05:09.709 --> 00:05:14.069
realize this, but we have brain cells that are
00:05:14.069 --> 00:05:19.310
two meters long. our brain goes down it's not
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a separate thing our brain itself goes down through
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our spine all the way down to our toes uh so
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antonio dimazio one of my favorite neuroscientists
00:05:31.389 --> 00:05:36.569
says emotions are embodied emotions are part
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of our whole self and Candice Pert, one of our
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late advisory board members, used to say, we
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have a chemical, we have these brain cells that
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connect us, but we also have a chemical system
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that connects us, and that's emotions. And these
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emotion messages are going back and forth through
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the different parts of our body, including the
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part up here, and carrying messages about what
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we're perceiving, about opportunities, about
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threats. And those chemicals are affecting every
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living cell. And they affect all our systems.
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They affect our thinking. They affect our heart
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rate. They affect our digestion, our immunity.
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And of course, we can feel them physically. We
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can feel those effects. And that's why in English,
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and not in all languages, but in English, we
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say, I can feel my glasses cold. I can feel worried.
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We physically sense that. So will you explain
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the six seconds rule, what it is, and how we
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can put that into action? So these chemicals
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that are running around affecting everything,
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everything we perceive, everything we decide
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is true. Every thought, every decision is being
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affected by these emotions. And there's a big
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mix of them. these chemicals last for around
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six seconds and sometimes it's shorter sometimes
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it's longer but if you've ever been you know
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worried about something for two weeks those chemicals
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they were completely recycled they were completely
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absorbed and brought out again and again and
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again and again and if you what neuroscientists
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talk about a cascade effect So a little bit of
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this chemical goes into different cells, multiplying
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more and more and more and more until your whole
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self is flooded. If you interrupt that cascade
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for about six seconds, the flood subsides. And
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that doesn't mean you're going to ignore the
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feeling, but you're going to be able to tune
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into it. And also tune into the other feelings
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that you have. Sometimes I think about feelings
00:08:03.089 --> 00:08:06.209
are like kids on a playground saying, I want
00:08:06.209 --> 00:08:08.069
to play this, I want to play this, I want to
00:08:08.069 --> 00:08:10.449
play that, right? And like, we don't need to
00:08:10.449 --> 00:08:12.829
let the loudest voice be the one that drives
00:08:12.829 --> 00:08:16.529
us. We can start listening and going, oh, actually
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there are multiple perspectives. Every feeling
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is offering me a perspective. This feeling is
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offering me a perspective about what the risks
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are. This feeling's offering me a perspective
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about what I really care about, my values. This
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feeling's affecting, asking me to kind of think
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about how other people are seeing it. This feeling's
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asking me to think about what's in the way. This
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feeling's asking me to think about what I could
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do. And so these different feelings offer different
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perspectives. And as I tune into those different
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perspectives, I get smarter and maybe even wiser.
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So, you're driving your car and somebody cuts
00:09:02.029 --> 00:09:05.809
you right off, right? You know the feeling, you
00:09:05.809 --> 00:09:08.870
know what's going to happen and you want to put
00:09:08.870 --> 00:09:12.029
your hand on that horn and go like this. So,
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what do you do in that circumstance to allow
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your EQ to work for you and with you? Yeah, there's
00:09:20.429 --> 00:09:26.679
that great quote from Viktor Frankl. there's
00:09:26.679 --> 00:09:29.799
a between stimulus and response there's a space
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and in that space lives our freedom and something
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what if we can expand that space right and that
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moment it's it seems instantaneous that car cut
00:09:44.659 --> 00:09:47.799
me off my hands on the horn but it's not actually
00:09:47.799 --> 00:09:52.159
instantaneous there's a little tiny space and
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What if we could slow down just a little bit
00:09:56.379 --> 00:09:59.879
and go? Oh, I'm noticing this my hands on the
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way to the horn slow motion Wait a minute. Is
00:10:03.779 --> 00:10:07.259
that what I really want to do? Right and that's
00:10:07.259 --> 00:10:10.840
the question. Is that what I really want? What
00:10:10.840 --> 00:10:12.740
is the result this is gonna have is that the
00:10:12.740 --> 00:10:14.879
result I really want to have and we're gonna
00:10:14.879 --> 00:10:18.399
do a little bit of predicting the future There's
00:10:18.399 --> 00:10:20.279
a little slow down, a little predicting in the
00:10:20.279 --> 00:10:23.340
future. What's gonna get me what I really want?
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Part of me wants to, you know, like, lay into
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them with that horn, but is that what I really
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want? And if it is, put your hand on the horn,
00:10:32.600 --> 00:10:36.940
go for it. But it might not be. For me, it isn't.
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For me, that's not who I really wanna be. And
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so, it's not gonna help anything. It's gonna
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give me this little short -term, like, that kind
00:10:49.320 --> 00:10:52.799
of feels good for a second, but it's not gonna
00:10:52.799 --> 00:10:56.679
actually make the world a better place. So my
00:10:56.679 --> 00:10:59.519
question keeps coming back to, okay, well, what
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is the option that's gonna actually make the
00:11:03.279 --> 00:11:07.919
world better for me and others? And if I can
00:11:07.919 --> 00:11:11.440
slow down that reaction just a little bit, that
00:11:11.440 --> 00:11:15.259
gives me a tiny bit of space to ask that question.
00:11:15.679 --> 00:11:18.620
Thank you. Yeah, we can control that. We can
00:11:18.620 --> 00:11:22.019
control all of our actions, right? With that
00:11:22.019 --> 00:11:26.799
six seconds pause and rethink it. Let another
00:11:26.799 --> 00:11:30.679
emotion come in. Let that one go, right? And
00:11:30.679 --> 00:11:33.799
we can control that, can't we? Well, and there's
00:11:33.799 --> 00:11:37.820
insight in that. Maybe it's anger. That tells
00:11:37.820 --> 00:11:40.879
me something useful, but I don't need to let
00:11:40.879 --> 00:11:44.080
that feeling be the boss of me. And I used to
00:11:44.080 --> 00:11:46.360
say that to my kids and it's actually one of
00:11:46.360 --> 00:11:49.120
the emotion rules. Emotions are great advisors,
00:11:49.139 --> 00:11:53.500
but they're terrible bosses. We can listen to
00:11:53.500 --> 00:11:55.320
them and we can tune into them, but we don't
00:11:55.320 --> 00:12:00.480
need to let them run the show. In your book and
00:12:00.480 --> 00:12:04.039
on your site, I encourage everybody to check
00:12:04.039 --> 00:12:07.039
out his website. There's so many great graphics
00:12:07.039 --> 00:12:10.440
in there and you can actually take EQ quizzes.
00:12:10.940 --> 00:12:15.389
It's a lot of fun. But you have that wheel of
00:12:15.389 --> 00:12:19.909
feelings chart and just noticing what all those
00:12:19.909 --> 00:12:24.409
feelings are and how they're all connected is
00:12:24.409 --> 00:12:28.009
so helpful to even have, have beside you, have
00:12:28.009 --> 00:12:31.909
in your desk. What brought you to that wheel?
00:12:33.009 --> 00:12:36.009
Well, I was not comfortable with feelings. I
00:12:36.009 --> 00:12:40.019
was afraid of feelings, if I'm honest. They seemed
00:12:40.019 --> 00:12:43.299
really overwhelming and chaotic and confusing.
00:12:45.779 --> 00:12:50.000
And somehow I stumbled into working for an organization
00:12:50.000 --> 00:12:56.240
that was teaching about emotions. And I started
00:12:56.240 --> 00:13:01.299
to try to understand it as a scientist. And I'm
00:13:01.299 --> 00:13:06.250
pretty maybe overly rational. But I thought okay
00:13:06.250 --> 00:13:10.049
if I can figure this out and make sense of feelings
00:13:10.049 --> 00:13:13.049
from a rational perspective I can be more comfortable
00:13:13.049 --> 00:13:16.090
with them and that's that's what happened for
00:13:16.090 --> 00:13:19.629
me and so The emotion wheel and a bunch of other
00:13:19.629 --> 00:13:22.649
models that I have in the book and on our websites
00:13:22.649 --> 00:13:26.330
and other materials When we start to see emotions
00:13:26.330 --> 00:13:29.029
have a logic. It's not the same logic as math
00:13:29.029 --> 00:13:34.259
but English has a particular logic, French has
00:13:34.259 --> 00:13:36.320
a particular logic. They're not the same logic.
00:13:36.360 --> 00:13:39.039
It doesn't mean that one is illogical. It means
00:13:39.039 --> 00:13:41.840
you structure your sentences slightly differently
00:13:41.840 --> 00:13:44.679
depending on the language you're speaking. And
00:13:44.679 --> 00:13:46.179
by the way, if you're speaking Japanese, you
00:13:46.179 --> 00:13:49.379
have to learn a really different structure. And
00:13:49.379 --> 00:13:52.440
so if we try to apply the structure of math,
00:13:53.399 --> 00:13:55.519
we're going to say, ah, these things are totally
00:13:55.519 --> 00:14:00.139
irrational. That's just us not knowing and using
00:14:00.139 --> 00:14:03.730
the wrong tool for the job. So the for me this
00:14:03.730 --> 00:14:07.149
study of emotional logic and trying to understand
00:14:07.149 --> 00:14:11.110
the rules of feelings and What really is anger
00:14:11.110 --> 00:14:13.690
and what's the difference between anger and frustration?
00:14:14.570 --> 00:14:17.070
like we have two different words why like what
00:14:17.070 --> 00:14:21.009
does it mean or sorrow and disappointment, they're
00:14:21.009 --> 00:14:24.809
not the same thing and By the way, as you well
00:14:24.809 --> 00:14:27.169
know sorrow and grief are not the same thing
00:14:27.169 --> 00:14:30.950
and there's a richness for us as we start to
00:14:31.309 --> 00:14:34.350
discover these kind of deeper meanings and find,
00:14:34.730 --> 00:14:38.429
oh, I can describe this state accurately. And
00:14:38.429 --> 00:14:43.269
it means a particular thing. And as we begin
00:14:43.269 --> 00:14:46.309
to build our more nuanced emotional vocabulary,
00:14:47.049 --> 00:14:50.169
we can describe our own and others' experiences
00:14:50.169 --> 00:14:53.850
more clearly, which helps us make sense of them
00:14:53.850 --> 00:14:56.789
and helps others make sense of them. So this
00:14:56.789 --> 00:14:59.899
work of being able to say okay I'm having this
00:14:59.899 --> 00:15:03.779
experience let me kind of tease it apart and
00:15:03.779 --> 00:15:08.159
then label it that's our emotional experience
00:15:08.159 --> 00:15:12.700
our affect and our words which is part of our
00:15:12.700 --> 00:15:16.500
cognition working together that's emotional intelligence
00:15:16.500 --> 00:15:19.460
at work just naming what you're feeling accurately
00:15:19.460 --> 00:15:24.659
is a huge step so kind of long answer to say
00:15:24.659 --> 00:15:28.330
I was just got fascinated by Like, how do you
00:15:28.330 --> 00:15:32.210
make sense of all this stuff? And wow, there's
00:15:32.210 --> 00:15:36.570
like a thousand words and I use like three. Let
00:15:36.570 --> 00:15:39.389
me try to understand this more. And that's now
00:15:39.389 --> 00:15:44.129
being a 30 year project. Yeah, that's what happens.
00:15:44.570 --> 00:15:46.710
You know, thank goodness that's what happens.
00:15:47.450 --> 00:15:52.450
Just recently, I was at a Brandy Carlisle concert.
00:15:53.009 --> 00:15:55.690
And have you been to one of her concerts? No.
00:15:55.870 --> 00:15:59.889
Oh, if you can go. Because when she sings, the
00:15:59.889 --> 00:16:03.889
world stops. So there's one, there was one song
00:16:03.889 --> 00:16:07.169
that she wrote with Alton John, Believing in
00:16:07.169 --> 00:16:11.029
Angels, and she sings with her band. It's all
00:16:11.029 --> 00:16:13.590
acapella. They put down their instruments and
00:16:13.590 --> 00:16:18.470
the whole arena just comes to life. And I'm listening
00:16:18.470 --> 00:16:22.470
to this music and I started to cry. Like just,
00:16:22.730 --> 00:16:27.110
not just, sobbing. Yeah. Because I felt Jacob
00:16:27.110 --> 00:16:30.570
there. Yeah. I felt my son there. So it was just
00:16:30.570 --> 00:16:34.009
all of a sudden these feelings, nests, Bevy would
00:16:34.009 --> 00:16:38.269
call it, but I knew this is grief. Like this
00:16:38.269 --> 00:16:43.490
is true grief. And I was so grateful for it because
00:16:43.490 --> 00:16:46.370
it, it, and on the wheel, I don't even think
00:16:46.370 --> 00:16:50.460
they're related, but it, it brought Jacob to
00:16:50.460 --> 00:16:53.080
me and I was so grateful because he would have
00:16:53.080 --> 00:16:57.980
loved that concert so much So there's so complicated
00:16:57.980 --> 00:17:02.139
feelings and emotions But I was when I was reading
00:17:02.139 --> 00:17:05.059
your book when when or I wasn't reading your
00:17:05.059 --> 00:17:08.079
book then it was it was Your book just came after
00:17:08.079 --> 00:17:11.220
that but I was following you and I thought about
00:17:11.220 --> 00:17:14.460
that. What what am I feeling? And that was it.
00:17:14.460 --> 00:17:17.519
I'm feeling sad, but I'm feeling grateful Yeah,
00:17:17.579 --> 00:17:22.059
and that sorrow and love together, loss and love
00:17:22.059 --> 00:17:27.259
together, that's grief. Yeah, it sure is. And
00:17:27.259 --> 00:17:32.339
it's hard. Mm -hmm. But it's also so beautiful.
00:17:32.940 --> 00:17:38.759
Mm -hmm. Yeah. And something I find so precious
00:17:38.759 --> 00:17:45.559
about grief is I think we see things so clearly
00:17:45.559 --> 00:17:49.059
through the lens of grief. Like, what really
00:17:49.059 --> 00:17:56.420
matters becomes so vivid and so simple. And then
00:17:56.420 --> 00:18:02.319
we go back to the, like, nest. But doesn't that
00:18:02.319 --> 00:18:06.420
always happen when we hit those hard, hard times?
00:18:07.220 --> 00:18:11.480
That's when we learn. That's when we really understand.
00:18:11.859 --> 00:18:15.819
And when we're... We're never broken, but when
00:18:15.819 --> 00:18:19.640
we are rock bottom almost, that's when the gratitude
00:18:19.640 --> 00:18:22.940
really shines through because our expectations
00:18:22.940 --> 00:18:26.579
are so low that we see the world so differently.
00:18:27.619 --> 00:18:31.380
Yeah. I mean, there's just something. So where
00:18:31.380 --> 00:18:36.539
I live here in California, one of the things
00:18:36.539 --> 00:18:39.599
I love to do is walk on the beach and find sea
00:18:39.599 --> 00:18:45.559
glass. you know somebody's drinking and they
00:18:45.559 --> 00:18:48.720
throw a bottle and it shatters which you know
00:18:48.720 --> 00:18:53.119
probably is not a great choice but that aside
00:18:53.119 --> 00:18:58.119
the the downstream of that is this these pieces
00:18:58.119 --> 00:19:02.819
of glass get polished and polished and polished
00:19:02.819 --> 00:19:05.579
and then by the time they come on the beach they're
00:19:05.579 --> 00:19:08.859
like these little gems and they're so smooth
00:19:09.480 --> 00:19:12.140
And I love it when you're walking on the beach,
00:19:12.720 --> 00:19:14.799
particularly early in the morning or late in
00:19:14.799 --> 00:19:18.779
the day and the sun is kind of slanting and they
00:19:18.779 --> 00:19:23.180
glow. There's little gems. And what happened
00:19:23.180 --> 00:19:29.480
for me is when my wife said, oh, I think there's
00:19:29.480 --> 00:19:31.900
sea glass on this beach. I'm like, what's sea
00:19:31.900 --> 00:19:35.500
glass? I knew nothing about it. And we started
00:19:35.500 --> 00:19:40.579
looking and I mean, that was, 25 years ago or
00:19:40.579 --> 00:19:44.420
something. But now I can't go to any beach anywhere
00:19:44.420 --> 00:19:48.880
without looking for it. And I see it all over
00:19:48.880 --> 00:19:52.700
the world, actually, now. But you become attuned
00:19:52.700 --> 00:19:56.579
to seeing these gems. It's beauty, the ordinary
00:19:56.579 --> 00:20:00.539
beauty in things. Yeah, and I think that that,
00:20:00.539 --> 00:20:04.579
you know, moments of like intense struggle from
00:20:04.579 --> 00:20:11.480
that shattering. something is polished. And sometimes
00:20:11.480 --> 00:20:15.779
it's lost at sea for a really long time. But
00:20:15.779 --> 00:20:18.579
sometimes it comes up on the beach and this gem
00:20:18.579 --> 00:20:22.579
is there. And I think about how hard experiences
00:20:22.579 --> 00:20:27.920
in our lives are polishing something in us. Wow,
00:20:28.059 --> 00:20:31.440
beautifully said. So speaking about your traveling,
00:20:32.440 --> 00:20:36.210
you did something that is so fascinating and
00:20:36.210 --> 00:20:41.289
many of us do not do. Will you tell our audience
00:20:41.289 --> 00:20:44.609
about when you first started this new gig and
00:20:44.609 --> 00:20:47.450
you traveled the world and pulled your kids out
00:20:47.450 --> 00:20:50.710
of school and traveled with them. You had a great
00:20:50.710 --> 00:20:53.890
expression and what you did with them and what
00:20:53.890 --> 00:20:58.170
they learned and how they apply their lives there
00:20:58.170 --> 00:21:01.910
then with their lives now like that world learning.
00:21:03.430 --> 00:21:06.390
Yeah, I mean long before we had kids my wife
00:21:06.390 --> 00:21:09.509
and I were teachers and one of our friends went
00:21:09.509 --> 00:21:12.549
and taught for a couple of years at an international
00:21:12.549 --> 00:21:16.549
school and We were both like wow if we ever have
00:21:16.549 --> 00:21:21.529
kids we have to do that and it just was such
00:21:21.529 --> 00:21:25.730
a like Mind -opening experience for my my friends
00:21:25.730 --> 00:21:31.390
kids and for my friend So fast forward I was
00:21:31.390 --> 00:21:34.460
traveling a lot for work and we had an eight
00:21:34.460 --> 00:21:37.900
and ten year old at the time. And we decided
00:21:37.900 --> 00:21:40.519
that we would homeschool for a couple of years
00:21:40.519 --> 00:21:47.599
and travel together. And we, because of the way
00:21:47.599 --> 00:21:51.079
my work worked then and to some degree works
00:21:51.079 --> 00:21:56.380
now, I was able to go someplace for a month or
00:21:56.380 --> 00:21:59.680
two. And so we would go and we'd spend six weeks
00:21:59.680 --> 00:22:02.460
in Southeast Asia. And I would do some work in
00:22:02.460 --> 00:22:05.220
Singapore and then we would go as a family to
00:22:05.220 --> 00:22:10.440
Borneo. And the kids would study Borneo was the
00:22:10.440 --> 00:22:13.640
first place we went. Before we went, they started
00:22:13.640 --> 00:22:15.700
studying Borneo and thinking about what's something
00:22:15.700 --> 00:22:19.859
I want to discover there. And one of them wanted
00:22:19.859 --> 00:22:21.900
to learn about orangutans and one of them wanted
00:22:21.900 --> 00:22:25.059
to learn about Rafflesia flowers, the world's
00:22:25.059 --> 00:22:31.140
largest flower. And so we did. The Orangutan
00:22:31.140 --> 00:22:33.740
Project turned into a really big thing in our
00:22:33.740 --> 00:22:38.640
family and our kids became very committed to
00:22:38.640 --> 00:22:43.859
the environment and helping understand how kids
00:22:43.859 --> 00:22:49.539
can influence the way we as humans are interacting
00:22:49.539 --> 00:22:54.180
with the natural world. So it was a big quest.
00:22:54.940 --> 00:22:59.259
But the traveling and living together, on the
00:22:59.259 --> 00:23:02.480
road, which is very different than kind of taking
00:23:02.480 --> 00:23:05.779
a trip or being a tourist. Living on the road
00:23:05.779 --> 00:23:15.099
as a family was intensely difficult and so enriching.
00:23:15.339 --> 00:23:17.460
Now, there was a period of time where the kids
00:23:17.460 --> 00:23:20.980
were like really, you know, when they were teenagers,
00:23:20.980 --> 00:23:24.920
they were very critical about this choice. And
00:23:24.920 --> 00:23:28.119
now that they're in their mid 20s, late 20s,
00:23:28.809 --> 00:23:33.609
They both see this as so formative of helping
00:23:33.609 --> 00:23:38.069
them have a much broader view of the world So
00:23:38.069 --> 00:23:41.130
I think the downside was they were they made
00:23:41.130 --> 00:23:45.289
them really different But the upside was it made
00:23:45.289 --> 00:23:49.160
them really different You had an expression that
00:23:49.160 --> 00:23:52.519
you use them about taste. What was the expression
00:23:52.519 --> 00:23:55.359
that you said? Embrace the taste. Oh my gosh,
00:23:55.400 --> 00:23:59.200
I can't believe you read that. Embrace the taste.
00:23:59.640 --> 00:24:02.900
Because I thought that was brilliant. It's not
00:24:02.900 --> 00:24:07.859
embrace the mac and cheese, right? I bet your
00:24:07.859 --> 00:24:11.240
kids eat everything because of that experience.
00:24:11.880 --> 00:24:15.220
I mean, it is fascinating. Max, when he was eight,
00:24:15.660 --> 00:24:20.480
was very much in the like a camel. He had the
00:24:20.480 --> 00:24:23.480
ability to wait until there was pasta. And then
00:24:23.480 --> 00:24:25.119
when there was pasta, he would eat like this
00:24:25.119 --> 00:24:33.740
much. Did you go to Italy? I hope we did. But
00:24:33.740 --> 00:24:37.740
yeah, they're both. I mean, I don't know how
00:24:37.740 --> 00:24:40.559
much of it is, you know, it's rooted in this,
00:24:40.579 --> 00:24:43.960
but they both really adventurous human beings
00:24:43.960 --> 00:24:48.059
and really open and engaged in the world and
00:24:48.059 --> 00:24:53.000
and they do they embrace the taste and uh yeah
00:24:53.000 --> 00:24:55.380
max it's hilarious to me this like remembering
00:24:55.380 --> 00:24:57.799
this little eight -year -old who's like can i
00:24:57.799 --> 00:25:02.119
have rice and now he like cooks everything and
00:25:02.119 --> 00:25:08.240
it's incredibly healthy so how are you feeling
00:25:08.240 --> 00:25:11.079
today like how how speaking of feelings how are
00:25:11.079 --> 00:25:13.900
you feeling Oh my gosh well you know this that
00:25:13.900 --> 00:25:18.579
you brought this up I just feel um so grateful
00:25:18.579 --> 00:25:22.839
to have had that experience and um I just talking
00:25:22.839 --> 00:25:26.380
last night um we had a little book club and someone
00:25:26.380 --> 00:25:29.900
was asking about the process of writing and M
00:25:29.900 --> 00:25:37.680
our older child um who's uh 27 in a couple weeks
00:25:37.680 --> 00:25:42.809
um helped edit the book. And working with them
00:25:42.809 --> 00:25:46.609
on the book was such a gift. Isn't that nice?
00:25:46.769 --> 00:25:51.089
And so I'm just I'm feeling tremendous gratitude
00:25:51.089 --> 00:25:56.750
and also nostalgia. And that like remembering
00:25:56.750 --> 00:26:01.210
those those days of looking for Rafflesia flowers.
00:26:02.670 --> 00:26:05.789
I feel like there is a there is a grief in your
00:26:05.789 --> 00:26:13.250
kids getting older. And and a joy. And these
00:26:13.250 --> 00:26:21.390
seasons of change are change. Change. So what
00:26:21.390 --> 00:26:25.730
would you offer our audience, our followers,
00:26:26.069 --> 00:26:30.470
its moms, its teachers, its students, it's basically
00:26:30.470 --> 00:26:35.009
everyone, a lot of parents. What's something
00:26:35.009 --> 00:26:37.809
that you, with all your expertise, if you could
00:26:37.809 --> 00:26:41.869
offer? One important message that that they are
00:26:41.869 --> 00:26:44.009
going to walk away that you want to make sure
00:26:44.009 --> 00:26:47.869
they have learned and note Yeah, what would that
00:26:47.869 --> 00:26:57.049
be? Well, I would like to have two please Remembering
00:26:57.049 --> 00:27:00.789
when the kids were little at one point. I started
00:27:00.789 --> 00:27:03.109
thinking about what is my biggest regret as a
00:27:03.109 --> 00:27:08.000
parent and What I came to was those moments where
00:27:08.000 --> 00:27:11.299
I said something to the effect of, well, you've
00:27:11.299 --> 00:27:16.079
ruined the whole day. I'm embarrassed to say
00:27:16.079 --> 00:27:18.599
this, but there were some of those days where
00:27:18.599 --> 00:27:20.759
we're having a big fight and it's like, we've
00:27:20.759 --> 00:27:22.259
been doing some things on ice and now you've
00:27:22.259 --> 00:27:26.079
ruined it. And the kids tell me they have zero
00:27:26.079 --> 00:27:29.140
memory of this, so I feel good about it now.
00:27:29.799 --> 00:27:34.559
But it really hit me when just probably... you
00:27:34.559 --> 00:27:36.779
know, when they were in their late teens, I was
00:27:36.779 --> 00:27:42.019
thinking about this. The lesson for me that I
00:27:42.019 --> 00:27:46.500
want is, it's really a growth mindset lesson,
00:27:46.640 --> 00:27:50.140
an optimism lesson, which is difficult things
00:27:50.140 --> 00:27:52.579
happen, we make mistakes, we screw things up.
00:27:52.759 --> 00:27:56.180
That doesn't change the past. It doesn't change
00:27:56.180 --> 00:27:58.220
what was good. It doesn't change what we learned.
00:27:58.500 --> 00:28:00.839
And by the way, it might even just be fine. That
00:28:00.839 --> 00:28:08.059
might help us. So I would just really hope all
00:28:08.059 --> 00:28:11.960
of us as parents and people who care and support
00:28:11.960 --> 00:28:16.880
kids can help kids see when something goes wrong,
00:28:16.940 --> 00:28:21.339
it doesn't in any way erase any of the good stuff.
00:28:23.359 --> 00:28:29.859
Even if you do something really messy or really
00:28:29.859 --> 00:28:33.019
destructive or really problematic. It doesn't
00:28:33.019 --> 00:28:35.200
erase the good stuff about who you are and what
00:28:35.200 --> 00:28:38.440
you've done. And so I would like all of us to
00:28:38.440 --> 00:28:43.000
really honor the strengths that kids have and
00:28:43.000 --> 00:28:47.440
the goodness that they offer and the learning
00:28:47.440 --> 00:28:51.519
that they're doing. And that when something goes
00:28:51.519 --> 00:28:56.339
wrong, that that's not a bad thing. It doesn't
00:28:56.339 --> 00:29:00.519
undo the good. It means there's something else
00:29:00.519 --> 00:29:07.369
to learn. So that's the complicated one. And
00:29:07.369 --> 00:29:12.509
the easy one is we all have feelings all the
00:29:12.509 --> 00:29:16.289
time. They're there. And we can pretend they're
00:29:16.289 --> 00:29:20.329
not, and we can try to ignore them. But that
00:29:20.329 --> 00:29:24.690
doesn't actually help with anything. And so if
00:29:24.690 --> 00:29:28.450
we can help ourselves and the kids around us,
00:29:28.789 --> 00:29:32.119
just notice and name. Oh, it looks like you're
00:29:32.119 --> 00:29:36.940
having some feelings. What's up for you? And
00:29:36.940 --> 00:29:38.920
when they're little, they might not know the
00:29:38.920 --> 00:29:41.680
words and we might have to say, well, it looks
00:29:41.680 --> 00:29:44.980
like maybe sad. Is there some sad going on there?
00:29:45.099 --> 00:29:46.859
You know, what else is in that? Like, oh, are
00:29:46.859 --> 00:29:51.319
you also mad? We used to have a basket of, I'll
00:29:51.319 --> 00:29:58.279
show you. I love these cards. We used to have
00:29:58.279 --> 00:30:03.880
a basket of these cards on the table. And whenever
00:30:03.880 --> 00:30:10.039
one of these moments was coming up, we'd kind
00:30:10.039 --> 00:30:12.160
of pull the basket out and the kids were like,
00:30:12.160 --> 00:30:15.460
don't, not the basket. And then they would start
00:30:15.460 --> 00:30:17.859
picking through the cards and going, well, there's
00:30:17.859 --> 00:30:19.960
some of this and some of this. We don't have
00:30:19.960 --> 00:30:24.019
to use words. We can identify and share feelings
00:30:24.019 --> 00:30:26.900
with like, we can squiggle it. We can dance it.
00:30:27.460 --> 00:30:30.519
We can clap it. You know, and we can use words
00:30:30.519 --> 00:30:35.400
as well, but just acknowledging, okay, that's
00:30:35.400 --> 00:30:37.640
some feelings. You don't need to fix it. You
00:30:37.640 --> 00:30:41.220
don't need to solve it. And I used to think that
00:30:41.220 --> 00:30:43.000
when somebody told me their feeling, I had to
00:30:43.000 --> 00:30:45.460
do something about it. And what I've learned
00:30:45.460 --> 00:30:48.440
is you can just say, wow, thank you. Thanks for
00:30:48.440 --> 00:30:53.660
sharing. That's it. Exactly. The fixers in us
00:30:53.660 --> 00:30:56.910
want to make it all better. But sometimes by
00:30:56.910 --> 00:30:58.950
telling them what to do, we're not, we're not
00:30:58.950 --> 00:31:02.190
helping anything by letting them sit. That's
00:31:02.190 --> 00:31:04.210
one thing my husband would always say to me,
00:31:04.210 --> 00:31:07.789
Ellen, they need to feel this. They need to feel
00:31:07.789 --> 00:31:10.410
this as I'm kind of sneaking into their room
00:31:10.410 --> 00:31:13.549
to go, it's okay, it's okay. But no, he was right.
00:31:13.650 --> 00:31:16.289
They need to feel it to learn, right? They need
00:31:16.289 --> 00:31:19.309
those emotions and we all need those emotions.
00:31:19.789 --> 00:31:25.589
The good ones and the not so good ones. I also
00:31:25.589 --> 00:31:27.630
found, you know, with your husband's advice,
00:31:28.210 --> 00:31:31.630
I would want to talk, particularly with them.
00:31:32.210 --> 00:31:34.430
They would have some big feelings and I would
00:31:34.430 --> 00:31:37.529
want to talk about it right away. And what I
00:31:37.529 --> 00:31:42.150
learned much later was particularly given, you
00:31:42.150 --> 00:31:44.230
know, learning about their kind of some of the
00:31:44.230 --> 00:31:46.970
challenges they felt faced later with emotions
00:31:46.970 --> 00:31:50.369
led me to realize, oh, they just needed more
00:31:50.369 --> 00:31:55.960
space. And something that I stumbled on uh, when
00:31:55.960 --> 00:32:00.059
I was little was let's both go to our rooms and
00:32:00.059 --> 00:32:02.720
take a break. And when you're ready to talk,
00:32:03.460 --> 00:32:09.420
let me know. And that was super. Yeah. Yeah.
00:32:09.539 --> 00:32:13.359
You are a treat. And I just feel this is just
00:32:13.359 --> 00:32:16.819
the beginning. I, we have so much to say and
00:32:16.819 --> 00:32:20.519
you have so much to learn. I really want you
00:32:20.519 --> 00:32:25.400
all to purchase Josh's book. to check out his
00:32:25.400 --> 00:32:28.900
website, to check out his LinkedIn page for those
00:32:28.900 --> 00:32:32.579
of you on LinkedIn, his Instagram, tell them
00:32:32.579 --> 00:32:37.359
your handles, please. So the Instagram is six
00:32:37.359 --> 00:32:42.539
seconds EQ and actually my wife manages that
00:32:42.539 --> 00:32:45.940
six seconds Instagram and her work is just, I
00:32:45.940 --> 00:32:48.500
think it's better than what we do on LinkedIn.
00:32:48.660 --> 00:32:52.359
Honestly, it's really engaging. So it's the number
00:32:52.359 --> 00:32:56.710
six. six seconds EQ. And then on LinkedIn, it's
00:32:56.710 --> 00:33:02.210
Joshua Friedman. Yeah, thank you so much, Josh.
00:33:02.309 --> 00:33:05.349
Thank you for being here. Thank you for all your
00:33:05.349 --> 00:33:08.769
practical and engaging and important lessons.
00:33:09.589 --> 00:33:13.490
This has just been such a treat. I'm feeling
00:33:13.490 --> 00:33:18.690
happy. I'm feeling motivated. I'm feeling inspired.
00:33:19.309 --> 00:33:22.549
and I'm feeling proud to be able to know you
00:33:22.549 --> 00:33:26.369
and share your purpose and meaning. So thank
00:33:26.369 --> 00:33:30.369
you and to all of you. Oops, go ahead, go ahead.
00:33:30.490 --> 00:33:32.130
I'm just going to say thank you and thank you
00:33:32.130 --> 00:33:37.549
to all of you. So everyone, my message always
00:33:37.549 --> 00:33:40.970
to you, let's be kinder to one another, let's
00:33:40.970 --> 00:33:44.730
embrace one another, let's learn from one another,
00:33:44.730 --> 00:33:50.390
and we'll see you soon. Thank you. Open your
00:33:50.390 --> 00:33:51.529
heart today
