WEBVTT
00:00:12.779 --> 00:00:16.320
Hey, and welcome back to the Playground Talks podcast.
00:00:16.324 --> 00:00:23.916
I'm Tammy Afriat A parent coach and at your host, and I'm here to help you navigate nowadays challenges with your kids.
00:00:24.461 --> 00:00:33.426
So, We had about five episode around boundaries, and today I want to touch a new topic, which is what's your communication style?
00:00:33.457 --> 00:00:42.097
Because it's not only that we set the boundaries, but there is a lot of impact of the way we communicate and we set those boundaries.
00:00:42.101 --> 00:00:53.482
For example, there is a huge different, if I'm saying, Hey, I need some quiet time now, versus if I'm saying, I have to finish up writing this email.
00:00:53.639 --> 00:00:57.530
So I need another 10 minutes and then we can hang out together.
00:00:57.914 --> 00:01:06.703
So when we talk about communication style, it's not only what we say, but it's also the tone we were using, how fast we say it.
00:01:07.183 --> 00:01:12.811
It also goes to your facial expressions and your body language.
00:01:13.120 --> 00:01:22.183
And to be more specific, I always like to talk about the scale, which in one side of the scale, you can be a passive communicator.
00:01:22.754 --> 00:01:29.947
You might have a child that rather , chooses not to speak, not to advocate for himself, avoid a conflict.
00:01:30.337 --> 00:01:32.465
You might think of yourself.
00:01:32.605 --> 00:01:39.808
Those things might resonate with yourself as being a passive communicator Who's mostly choosing to not talk.
00:01:40.118 --> 00:01:44.528
Then in the other side of it, we have the aggressive communicator.
00:01:45.248 --> 00:01:51.399
Those are the kids that sometimes we call them bossy or leaders or strong wheels.
00:01:51.399 --> 00:02:10.836
And again, we also know some adults that we have like that, that when they have something, they would be more impulsive, tending to use a higher peach or use their voice strongly in a higher volume, it many times perceive when someone talk aggressively, as if he's mad or angry or something like that.
00:02:11.645 --> 00:02:19.056
And then in the middle, if we talk about this scale again, we can talk about assertive speaking, which is when you.
00:02:20.075 --> 00:02:25.692
Express whatever you want, whatever you need or whatever it is on your mind.
00:02:25.931 --> 00:02:31.632
You're not afraid of the conflict, but you handle it in a very objective way.
00:02:32.532 --> 00:02:39.245
. So ideally we want to communicate everything to our child from assertive perspective.
00:02:39.651 --> 00:02:41.075
I always think about it.
00:02:41.092 --> 00:02:44.961
That when we talk a assertively, we have an intention of what we're saying.
00:02:44.991 --> 00:02:49.072
We know what's the vision of the message that we wanna say.
00:02:49.102 --> 00:02:52.222
We are responding versus reacting.
00:02:52.611 --> 00:02:58.972
So it's not that they said something and it was triggering for us, so we said that, but we were actually.
00:02:59.377 --> 00:03:02.257
Already I'm thinking about, we already have the script.
00:03:02.377 --> 00:03:03.697
That's really helpful for me.
00:03:03.907 --> 00:03:07.687
So let's go over some of those script that I tend to use a lot.
00:03:07.925 --> 00:03:10.597
for example, let's take material boundary.
00:03:10.627 --> 00:03:11.076
Okay.
00:03:11.106 --> 00:03:15.817
So just today I have my water bottle, the one that I'm using the whole day long.
00:03:16.176 --> 00:03:16.417
It.
00:03:17.051 --> 00:03:23.081
Prevent from me having a headache and that's a healthy style I'm trying to implement.
00:03:23.195 --> 00:03:30.455
So my daughter forgot her water bottle at her friend's house and she wanted to take my water bottle.
00:03:30.966 --> 00:03:32.616
And I was like, you know what?
00:03:32.621 --> 00:03:37.359
That's my water bottle and I needed to prevent from having a headache.
00:03:37.438 --> 00:03:39.179
So please leave it to me.
00:03:39.479 --> 00:03:42.588
And find another water bottle we have in the house.
00:03:42.829 --> 00:03:44.239
You can use the other one.
00:03:44.739 --> 00:03:55.225
So as you can see, I didn't say, how dare you take my water bottle, which is another way to set the boundary where.
00:03:53.515 --> 00:03:55.225
The message is just the same.
00:03:55.225 --> 00:03:56.515
Don't take my water bottle.
00:03:56.816 --> 00:04:02.336
But in fact, I gave the reason why I want to have my own water bottle.
00:04:02.336 --> 00:04:11.545
I set the boundary and I gave her another options, which honestly she could think about it herself, I chose to help her and.
00:04:11.834 --> 00:04:17.983
Guide her into being more flexible with finding other solutions then taking my water bottle.
00:04:18.360 --> 00:04:24.776
Another example in terms of time boundary could be it's now it's summertime, right?
00:04:25.002 --> 00:04:26.428
And then the kids.
00:04:27.062 --> 00:04:39.228
Wants to go to a movie or they want to hang out with friends, or they want to have sleepover and you know, they have so many things they wanna do and they don't get that we, the adults still have work to do.
00:04:39.466 --> 00:04:49.846
So my perspective on that is, well, it's my responsibility to make sure you have some stuff to do to entertain you to, so you can grow your skill.
00:04:50.656 --> 00:04:58.038
But also you can be a little bit independent, especially when you are five and six years old.
00:04:58.369 --> 00:05:02.358
You can spend an hour without me doing something with you.
00:05:02.358 --> 00:05:06.617
So let's say a kid comes to you and say, Hey mommy, let's play together.
00:05:06.617 --> 00:05:12.773
Hey mommy, . Take me to the movie or whatever, and then you can either say, leave me alone.
00:05:12.773 --> 00:05:14.663
I need some time to work.
00:05:14.963 --> 00:05:19.452
But I think the right way to approach it would be, I need to work.
00:05:19.452 --> 00:05:29.283
I know you have some free time . So go ahead and find something else that you are interested in doing that brings you joy, that interests you.
00:05:29.322 --> 00:05:32.978
Let's, let's have a list of what you can come up.
00:05:33.079 --> 00:05:39.288
As a project for the following days, and then you can support and bring whatever else they need.
00:05:39.288 --> 00:05:44.374
But you know, in this scenario, you set a time boundary where, you need to work.
00:05:44.374 --> 00:05:46.334
They need to entertain themself.
00:05:46.963 --> 00:05:48.858
And at the same time, you're supportive.
00:05:48.889 --> 00:05:51.079
You are being supportive of the process.
00:05:51.079 --> 00:05:59.778
And if they need, for example, they wanna do this crazy doll model or a car model, then you will help them bring the material.
00:05:59.809 --> 00:06:03.723
But they are the one that can do it by themself.
00:06:03.829 --> 00:06:06.495
And again, I'm talking in regard to older kids.
00:06:06.766 --> 00:06:08.115
We're two, three years old.
00:06:08.596 --> 00:06:21.110
Yes, you do need to be around them most of the time watching them, making sure they're not climbing, not opening anything, cuz their curiosity and their perspective taking is not developed.
00:06:21.110 --> 00:06:24.800
So it's your responsibility to make sure they're safe.
00:06:25.269 --> 00:06:28.654
Okay, so let's take last example around emotional boundary.
00:06:28.894 --> 00:06:33.321
For example, if one of your kids is saying, I'm so sad.
00:06:33.357 --> 00:06:35.915
My brother just said something mean to me.
00:06:36.220 --> 00:06:39.338
There's one way to approach it and say, To the sibling.
00:06:39.338 --> 00:06:39.759
Yeah.
00:06:39.879 --> 00:06:43.028
How could you possibly talk to this, to your brother like that?
00:06:43.028 --> 00:06:45.399
Don't you know it's not acceptable in our house?
00:06:46.028 --> 00:06:48.848
Or you could say, you know what?
00:06:49.144 --> 00:07:05.747
We treat respectfully each other here in our house, so Please rephrase whatever you wanted to say in a kind way so you see, again, you're not invalidating whatever the sibling wanted to say, cuz it could be that he was hurt himself.
00:07:05.747 --> 00:07:07.096
But anyway, I.
00:07:07.262 --> 00:07:14.101
You make the point of this is not the way we communicate with each other, and you let them practice again.
00:07:14.132 --> 00:07:16.641
I am doing it all the time with my ketos.
00:07:16.968 --> 00:07:21.958
if they whine or cry, I would say, I can't understand you when you talk like that.
00:07:22.887 --> 00:07:29.576
Let's practice how you talk with no whining and no crying because I'm listening, I want to hear whatever you wanna say.
00:07:29.930 --> 00:07:45.213
So again, it's not only to set the boundary, but it's also to guide our kids of how to communicate effectively and use not the passive way not the aggressive way, but the assertive way and last reminder.
00:07:45.326 --> 00:07:59.639
It's always about how we model our children, so please ask yourself, do I really communicate in an assertive way, or do I let my anger and my own madness to manifest when I'm talking to my child?
00:08:00.055 --> 00:08:01.735
So that's it for today.
00:08:01.824 --> 00:08:16.644
As a reminder, we talked about three types of communication style, the passive way, which if your child is being a passive, your role as a parent is actually to help him advocate for himself and speak up to go towards the assertive way.
00:08:16.899 --> 00:08:22.564
the other thing is aggressive communication, which sometimes I think about it, in a graphic way.
00:08:22.564 --> 00:08:35.948
It's like a child that tend to be aggressive is like a square that you want to curve their vertex, so you want to make it more like a circle to communicate more smoothly and softly.
00:08:36.359 --> 00:08:44.052
And then the passive child is more of like an oval that you want to sharpen the ages to make it.
00:08:44.205 --> 00:08:45.345
More a assertively.
00:08:45.642 --> 00:08:47.892
So I hope that image helps you.
00:08:48.139 --> 00:08:51.631
and I would love to hear, your feedback around the podcast.
00:08:51.754 --> 00:08:58.940
if you think about any topics you wish the podcast to cover, please me a message you can find.
00:08:59.044 --> 00:09:09.100
A link to leave me a message in the show notes., And Leslie, if you need diving into what's going on for you and your life and your kids, . Please book your free.
00:09:09.240 --> 00:09:10.289
Call with me.
00:09:10.409 --> 00:09:16.765
I would love to get to know you better and see if we can work together.
00:09:17.936 --> 00:09:23.005
So as usual, treat yourself and your kids with compassion and curiosity.
00:09:23.666 --> 00:09:24.235
See you.
00:09:24.235 --> 00:09:24.806
Bye.
00:00:12.779 --> 00:00:16.320
Hey, and welcome back to the Playground Talks podcast.
00:00:16.324 --> 00:00:23.916
I'm Tammy Afriat A parent coach and at your host, and I'm here to help you navigate nowadays challenges with your kids.
00:00:24.461 --> 00:00:33.426
So, We had about five episode around boundaries, and today I want to touch a new topic, which is what's your communication style?
00:00:33.457 --> 00:00:42.097
Because it's not only that we set the boundaries, but there is a lot of impact of the way we communicate and we set those boundaries.
00:00:42.101 --> 00:00:53.482
For example, there is a huge different, if I'm saying, Hey, I need some quiet time now, versus if I'm saying, I have to finish up writing this email.
00:00:53.639 --> 00:00:57.530
So I need another 10 minutes and then we can hang out together.
00:00:57.914 --> 00:01:06.703
So when we talk about communication style, it's not only what we say, but it's also the tone we were using, how fast we say it.
00:01:07.183 --> 00:01:12.811
It also goes to your facial expressions and your body language.
00:01:13.120 --> 00:01:22.183
And to be more specific, I always like to talk about the scale, which in one side of the scale, you can be a passive communicator.
00:01:22.754 --> 00:01:29.947
You might have a child that rather , chooses not to speak, not to advocate for himself, avoid a conflict.
00:01:30.337 --> 00:01:32.465
You might think of yourself.
00:01:32.605 --> 00:01:39.808
Those things might resonate with yourself as being a passive communicator Who's mostly choosing to not talk.
00:01:40.118 --> 00:01:44.528
Then in the other side of it, we have the aggressive communicator.
00:01:45.248 --> 00:01:51.399
Those are the kids that sometimes we call them bossy or leaders or strong wheels.
00:01:51.399 --> 00:02:10.836
And again, we also know some adults that we have like that, that when they have something, they would be more impulsive, tending to use a higher peach or use their voice strongly in a higher volume, it many times perceive when someone talk aggressively, as if he's mad or angry or something like that.
00:02:11.645 --> 00:02:19.056
And then in the middle, if we talk about this scale again, we can talk about assertive speaking, which is when you.
00:02:20.075 --> 00:02:25.692
Express whatever you want, whatever you need or whatever it is on your mind.
00:02:25.931 --> 00:02:31.632
You're not afraid of the conflict, but you handle it in a very objective way.
00:02:32.532 --> 00:02:39.245
. So ideally we want to communicate everything to our child from assertive perspective.
00:02:39.651 --> 00:02:41.075
I always think about it.
00:02:41.092 --> 00:02:44.961
That when we talk a assertively, we have an intention of what we're saying.
00:02:44.991 --> 00:02:49.072
We know what's the vision of the message that we wanna say.
00:02:49.102 --> 00:02:52.222
We are responding versus reacting.
00:02:52.611 --> 00:02:58.972
So it's not that they said something and it was triggering for us, so we said that, but we were actually.
00:02:59.377 --> 00:03:02.257
Already I'm thinking about, we already have the script.
00:03:02.377 --> 00:03:03.697
That's really helpful for me.
00:03:03.907 --> 00:03:07.687
So let's go over some of those script that I tend to use a lot.
00:03:07.925 --> 00:03:10.597
for example, let's take material boundary.
00:03:10.627 --> 00:03:11.076
Okay.
00:03:11.106 --> 00:03:15.817
So just today I have my water bottle, the one that I'm using the whole day long.
00:03:16.176 --> 00:03:16.417
It.
00:03:17.051 --> 00:03:23.081
Prevent from me having a headache and that's a healthy style I'm trying to implement.
00:03:23.195 --> 00:03:30.455
So my daughter forgot her water bottle at her friend's house and she wanted to take my water bottle.
00:03:30.966 --> 00:03:32.616
And I was like, you know what?
00:03:32.621 --> 00:03:37.359
That's my water bottle and I needed to prevent from having a headache.
00:03:37.438 --> 00:03:39.179
So please leave it to me.
00:03:39.479 --> 00:03:42.588
And find another water bottle we have in the house.
00:03:42.829 --> 00:03:44.239
You can use the other one.
00:03:44.739 --> 00:03:55.225
So as you can see, I didn't say, how dare you take my water bottle, which is another way to set the boundary where.
00:03:53.515 --> 00:03:55.225
The message is just the same.
00:03:55.225 --> 00:03:56.515
Don't take my water bottle.
00:03:56.816 --> 00:04:02.336
But in fact, I gave the reason why I want to have my own water bottle.
00:04:02.336 --> 00:04:11.545
I set the boundary and I gave her another options, which honestly she could think about it herself, I chose to help her and.
00:04:11.834 --> 00:04:17.983
Guide her into being more flexible with finding other solutions then taking my water bottle.
00:04:18.360 --> 00:04:24.776
Another example in terms of time boundary could be it's now it's summertime, right?
00:04:25.002 --> 00:04:26.428
And then the kids.
00:04:27.062 --> 00:04:39.228
Wants to go to a movie or they want to hang out with friends, or they want to have sleepover and you know, they have so many things they wanna do and they don't get that we, the adults still have work to do.
00:04:39.466 --> 00:04:49.846
So my perspective on that is, well, it's my responsibility to make sure you have some stuff to do to entertain you to, so you can grow your skill.
00:04:50.656 --> 00:04:58.038
But also you can be a little bit independent, especially when you are five and six years old.
00:04:58.369 --> 00:05:02.358
You can spend an hour without me doing something with you.
00:05:02.358 --> 00:05:06.617
So let's say a kid comes to you and say, Hey mommy, let's play together.
00:05:06.617 --> 00:05:12.773
Hey mommy, . Take me to the movie or whatever, and then you can either say, leave me alone.
00:05:12.773 --> 00:05:14.663
I need some time to work.
00:05:14.963 --> 00:05:19.452
But I think the right way to approach it would be, I need to work.
00:05:19.452 --> 00:05:29.283
I know you have some free time . So go ahead and find something else that you are interested in doing that brings you joy, that interests you.
00:05:29.322 --> 00:05:32.978
Let's, let's have a list of what you can come up.
00:05:33.079 --> 00:05:39.288
As a project for the following days, and then you can support and bring whatever else they need.
00:05:39.288 --> 00:05:44.374
But you know, in this scenario, you set a time boundary where, you need to work.
00:05:44.374 --> 00:05:46.334
They need to entertain themself.
00:05:46.963 --> 00:05:48.858
And at the same time, you're supportive.
00:05:48.889 --> 00:05:51.079
You are being supportive of the process.
00:05:51.079 --> 00:05:59.778
And if they need, for example, they wanna do this crazy doll model or a car model, then you will help them bring the material.
00:05:59.809 --> 00:06:03.723
But they are the one that can do it by themself.
00:06:03.829 --> 00:06:06.495
And again, I'm talking in regard to older kids.
00:06:06.766 --> 00:06:08.115
We're two, three years old.
00:06:08.596 --> 00:06:21.110
Yes, you do need to be around them most of the time watching them, making sure they're not climbing, not opening anything, cuz their curiosity and their perspective taking is not developed.
00:06:21.110 --> 00:06:24.800
So it's your responsibility to make sure they're safe.
00:06:25.269 --> 00:06:28.654
Okay, so let's take last example around emotional boundary.
00:06:28.894 --> 00:06:33.321
For example, if one of your kids is saying, I'm so sad.
00:06:33.357 --> 00:06:35.915
My brother just said something mean to me.
00:06:36.220 --> 00:06:39.338
There's one way to approach it and say, To the sibling.
00:06:39.338 --> 00:06:39.759
Yeah.
00:06:39.879 --> 00:06:43.028
How could you possibly talk to this, to your brother like that?
00:06:43.028 --> 00:06:45.399
Don't you know it's not acceptable in our house?
00:06:46.028 --> 00:06:48.848
Or you could say, you know what?
00:06:49.144 --> 00:07:05.747
We treat respectfully each other here in our house, so Please rephrase whatever you wanted to say in a kind way so you see, again, you're not invalidating whatever the sibling wanted to say, cuz it could be that he was hurt himself.
00:07:05.747 --> 00:07:07.096
But anyway, I.
00:07:07.262 --> 00:07:14.101
You make the point of this is not the way we communicate with each other, and you let them practice again.
00:07:14.132 --> 00:07:16.641
I am doing it all the time with my ketos.
00:07:16.968 --> 00:07:21.958
if they whine or cry, I would say, I can't understand you when you talk like that.
00:07:22.887 --> 00:07:29.576
Let's practice how you talk with no whining and no crying because I'm listening, I want to hear whatever you wanna say.
00:07:29.930 --> 00:07:45.213
So again, it's not only to set the boundary, but it's also to guide our kids of how to communicate effectively and use not the passive way not the aggressive way, but the assertive way and last reminder.
00:07:45.326 --> 00:07:59.639
It's always about how we model our children, so please ask yourself, do I really communicate in an assertive way, or do I let my anger and my own madness to manifest when I'm talking to my child?
00:08:00.055 --> 00:08:01.735
So that's it for today.
00:08:01.824 --> 00:08:16.644
As a reminder, we talked about three types of communication style, the passive way, which if your child is being a passive, your role as a parent is actually to help him advocate for himself and speak up to go towards the assertive way.
00:08:16.899 --> 00:08:22.564
the other thing is aggressive communication, which sometimes I think about it, in a graphic way.
00:08:22.564 --> 00:08:35.948
It's like a child that tend to be aggressive is like a square that you want to curve their vertex, so you want to make it more like a circle to communicate more smoothly and softly.
00:08:36.359 --> 00:08:44.052
And then the passive child is more of like an oval that you want to sharpen the ages to make it.
00:08:44.205 --> 00:08:45.345
More a assertively.
00:08:45.642 --> 00:08:47.892
So I hope that image helps you.
00:08:48.139 --> 00:08:51.631
and I would love to hear, your feedback around the podcast.
00:08:51.754 --> 00:08:58.940
if you think about any topics you wish the podcast to cover, please me a message you can find.
00:08:59.044 --> 00:09:09.100
A link to leave me a message in the show notes., And Leslie, if you need diving into what's going on for you and your life and your kids, . Please book your free.
00:09:09.240 --> 00:09:10.289
Call with me.
00:09:10.409 --> 00:09:16.765
I would love to get to know you better and see if we can work together.
00:09:17.936 --> 00:09:23.005
So as usual, treat yourself and your kids with compassion and curiosity.
00:09:23.666 --> 00:09:24.235
See you.
00:09:24.235 --> 00:09:24.806
Bye.
