WEBVTT
00:00:04.480 --> 00:00:07.679
Guys, welcome back to Parenting Tools, the podcast.
00:00:07.839 --> 00:00:11.439
The tools designed to give you the parents everything you need.
00:00:11.519 --> 00:00:15.039
Or if you know some parents, you're trying to help them out, you want to, you know, maybe give them some tools.
00:00:15.199 --> 00:00:16.239
This is the spot to get it.
00:00:16.320 --> 00:00:17.120
My name is Ian.
00:00:17.359 --> 00:00:19.920
I am uh the son of Nicole.
00:00:20.079 --> 00:00:24.399
So I'm what you would call the byproduct of the thing.
00:00:24.640 --> 00:00:26.239
So obviously it's fantastic.
00:00:26.399 --> 00:00:28.719
As I just mentioned, going to the police station and everything.
00:00:28.800 --> 00:00:31.839
It's you know, it's exactly what every parent wants to hear from their child.
00:00:32.079 --> 00:00:32.960
They're going and messing up.
00:00:33.200 --> 00:00:34.159
Maybe cut that out.
00:00:34.479 --> 00:00:35.920
We edit that part out.
00:00:36.159 --> 00:00:37.840
Um, yeah.
00:00:38.159 --> 00:00:45.039
And uh so sitting with, as always, the expert, the ninja of parenting, as they they call her.
00:00:46.399 --> 00:00:50.960
So what are we what are we discussing today, Miss Mackenzie?
00:00:51.200 --> 00:01:06.480
I think um I think I'd like to discuss where the three most important points when you're as a parent, you know, how can you um what do you have to do in any kind of uh situation where you have to interact and correct your child?
00:01:06.560 --> 00:01:08.640
What's what's the three most important steps?
00:01:08.879 --> 00:01:14.879
So are these steps of like everybody can apply to every single situation all the time?
00:01:14.959 --> 00:01:20.959
Or is there like these are like a good base for how you should think about using these parenting tools?
00:01:21.280 --> 00:01:29.040
I think no, it's it's definitely if you do that every time before you actually do an interaction, I think you can eliminate a lot of trouble.
00:01:29.200 --> 00:01:29.439
Yeah.
00:01:29.680 --> 00:01:29.920
Okay.
00:01:30.079 --> 00:01:33.040
So it should be every time, no matter what.
00:01:33.280 --> 00:01:37.680
But you also have this very uh very interesting looking guys.
00:01:37.760 --> 00:01:39.200
This is early days of the podcast.
00:01:39.280 --> 00:01:40.560
Okay, we're also coming up.
00:01:40.719 --> 00:01:46.239
We are coming up with a product that we can give you guys, we can sell you guys if you don't want to, you can always just listen to the podcast.
00:01:46.319 --> 00:01:47.439
Everything here is free.
00:01:47.680 --> 00:01:54.640
But this is a what I asked, I asked last week that you put together all the you know the points so we can easily come up with and like we're getting there.
00:01:54.799 --> 00:01:55.359
I've worked on it.
00:01:55.439 --> 00:01:56.000
I've worked on it.
00:01:56.159 --> 00:01:56.719
We're getting there.
00:01:56.799 --> 00:01:58.319
I'm trying to make it simple, you know.
00:01:58.400 --> 00:02:01.519
But parenting, as you know, as a parent is not simple.
00:02:01.760 --> 00:02:07.040
So, but I try to break it down in a way where you can actually follow it and have a little bit of a guideline.
00:02:07.120 --> 00:02:08.080
What should I do when?
00:02:08.319 --> 00:02:08.960
So, can I ask?
00:02:09.120 --> 00:02:12.960
Did you draw those lines in between the absolutely you hand drew them, right?
00:02:13.520 --> 00:02:16.560
So for everyone who's listening on audio, sorry you're not gonna see this.
00:02:16.639 --> 00:02:22.719
I'll describe it to you, but for video look viewers, mom has made the boxes and it's a drag and drop thing, I'm sure it is.
00:02:22.800 --> 00:02:28.319
And then she's just drawn the lines in between her uh because I couldn't do the lines were too complicated.
00:02:28.400 --> 00:02:30.000
You had those those, you know.
00:02:30.080 --> 00:02:34.479
I mean, it was just like I was first trying with uh with AI.
00:02:34.719 --> 00:02:39.439
It was like he wouldn't do what I wanted to do, and he didn't move those boxes where they needed to be.
00:02:39.599 --> 00:02:45.759
So after an hour of trying, I said, no, no way I'm gonna do it like on the computer myself, you know.
00:02:45.919 --> 00:02:50.479
Yeah, back and drop, improvise, adapt, survive.
00:02:51.280 --> 00:02:52.719
But it's it's a working process.
00:02:52.879 --> 00:02:53.280
Yeah, of course.
00:02:53.360 --> 00:02:59.360
And it's all the stuff is like it's like we're gonna make it better and we're gonna get so so that's exactly where these ideas come from, these three different ideas.
00:02:59.599 --> 00:03:06.319
Like you went through, set up basically uh an idea tree, let's call it, and a process tree.
00:03:06.400 --> 00:03:12.319
Yeah, and from there you pick the three, like how to then like it's like the three come before that even comes into play.
00:03:12.560 --> 00:03:13.120
Oh, it's before this.
00:03:13.280 --> 00:03:15.199
Yeah, as the three most important steps.
00:03:15.280 --> 00:03:31.439
Some of them are repeated in there, but actually before you even do anything, you know, you should like uh do the three most important steps, which which are are assess the situation, to choose the appropriate action, and then put the consequence in place and follow through.
00:03:31.680 --> 00:03:34.240
So wait, step one is assess the situation.
00:03:34.719 --> 00:03:36.000
It sounds very military.
00:03:37.759 --> 00:03:40.560
Well, it's it's it's it's check your surroundings.
00:03:40.960 --> 00:03:46.639
It's kind of kind of yeah, because if you just jump in, you know, most likely you're already caught somewhere.
00:03:47.039 --> 00:03:49.439
There's a terrorist waiting behind the door who's gonna jump you.
00:03:49.840 --> 00:03:51.599
You assess the situation, you know.
00:03:51.680 --> 00:03:53.840
What do you first of all analyze?
00:03:54.319 --> 00:03:55.520
You know, don't judge.
00:03:55.680 --> 00:04:01.120
It's not immediately go to judgment, he did something wrong or she did something wrong, therefore I have to intervene.
00:04:01.280 --> 00:04:03.120
It's like first analyze.
00:04:03.280 --> 00:04:05.360
You know, what's the child doing?
00:04:05.520 --> 00:04:05.919
First of all.
00:04:06.319 --> 00:04:11.280
Is that your is that your third person perspective camera view that you talked about before?
00:04:11.599 --> 00:04:15.520
Yeah, kind of, with a little distance, you know, because you analyze the situation.
00:04:15.680 --> 00:04:16.800
Where is the child at?
00:04:16.959 --> 00:04:18.639
What's the intention of the child?
00:04:18.800 --> 00:04:20.480
Can you see a game behind the child?
00:04:20.639 --> 00:04:22.079
He wants to pull you in somehow.
00:04:22.160 --> 00:04:24.160
You know, can you can you figure that one out?
00:04:24.399 --> 00:04:26.560
And then that's part of the analysis.
00:04:26.639 --> 00:04:29.680
The other part is where am I as a parent?
00:04:29.839 --> 00:04:31.439
You know, am I already engaged?
00:04:31.600 --> 00:04:49.120
Am I angry and about to come down on my child, or am I still calm and um can I do uh can I hold my child accountable without kind of uh being the judge, the police, uh, you know, uh and and um put him to jail right away?
00:04:49.199 --> 00:04:50.399
I mean, can I do that?
00:04:50.879 --> 00:04:56.240
No, so that's that's the assessment, you know, where I'm at, where's my child?
00:04:56.319 --> 00:04:58.560
What he's actually what actually he did he do?
00:04:58.720 --> 00:05:00.079
Are there other people involved?
00:05:00.240 --> 00:05:02.720
Just calmly assess, okay.
00:05:03.040 --> 00:05:09.199
Now, if you assess and you see, well, I'm completely engaged, I'm so pissed off, he can't breathe, right?
00:05:09.360 --> 00:05:11.839
So then your interaction is what?
00:05:13.279 --> 00:05:13.920
War.
00:05:15.120 --> 00:05:16.720
Yeah, so nothing.
00:05:16.959 --> 00:05:18.399
Avoid war, okay?
00:05:18.720 --> 00:05:20.079
Okay, fine.
00:05:21.279 --> 00:05:27.920
Breathe, move away, see if maybe your husband is around or your you whoever isn't was that wasn't in charge of it.
00:05:28.560 --> 00:05:29.120
Go fight him.
00:05:29.360 --> 00:05:33.519
Yeah, yeah, go fight him, see if he can take over because he's not engaged.
00:05:34.480 --> 00:05:38.000
I need a breather, or even say to your kids, hey, I need the breather.
00:05:38.160 --> 00:05:40.000
Just a second, you know, I need to breathe.
00:05:40.240 --> 00:05:42.800
I I bet like not a lot of parents do that to your child.
00:05:42.879 --> 00:05:44.959
And if you do that, like, hey, I just need a breather.
00:05:45.040 --> 00:05:47.920
I can imagine just like Yeah, because the child is what?
00:05:48.639 --> 00:05:50.240
It's already that is why you're gonna be able to do it.
00:05:53.120 --> 00:05:54.800
Just do whatever it takes, you know.
00:05:55.120 --> 00:06:02.000
The first step is assess the situation externally, see what the hell's going on, see if there's games that they're playing that they obviously get you at all the time.
00:06:02.319 --> 00:06:04.319
Do they want to how do they want you engage?
00:06:04.399 --> 00:06:06.240
You know, I mean, is it a good game?
00:06:06.319 --> 00:06:07.519
Can you see behind it maybe?
00:06:07.600 --> 00:06:08.560
That would be great, you know.
00:06:08.720 --> 00:06:09.600
Can you find the game?
00:06:09.839 --> 00:06:11.920
And then second is self-assessment.
00:06:12.240 --> 00:06:14.639
So it's looking at okay, how am I right now?
00:06:14.800 --> 00:06:16.959
Am I about to go do and do the same things?
00:06:17.120 --> 00:06:18.000
Am I anxious?
00:06:18.160 --> 00:06:19.759
Am I super like in it?
00:06:20.079 --> 00:06:22.560
Am I about to you know, rip this teddy bear's head off?
00:06:22.639 --> 00:06:24.319
Like, you know, like where am I at right now?
00:06:24.639 --> 00:06:24.959
Exactly.
00:06:25.199 --> 00:06:25.439
Okay.
00:06:25.680 --> 00:06:26.560
That's the first step.
00:06:26.720 --> 00:06:29.199
According to that, then you go to the second step.
00:06:29.759 --> 00:06:31.839
And the second step is choose the action.
00:06:32.720 --> 00:06:34.720
No, that's the second step is assess.
00:06:34.879 --> 00:06:37.439
So assess the assessment becomes external and internal.
00:06:37.680 --> 00:06:38.240
That's the first step.
00:06:38.560 --> 00:06:40.720
External assessment, internal assessment, that's step one.
00:06:40.959 --> 00:06:41.360
Step one.
00:06:41.519 --> 00:06:41.680
Okay.
00:06:41.839 --> 00:06:43.759
Step two, choose your action.
00:06:44.160 --> 00:06:44.399
Okay.
00:06:45.360 --> 00:06:45.680
Okay.
00:06:45.920 --> 00:06:46.720
Okay, you choose.
00:06:46.959 --> 00:06:51.519
You you have basically you have three uh actions available to you.
00:06:52.079 --> 00:06:54.879
The three consequences you can you can you can do.
00:06:54.959 --> 00:06:59.680
You know, the first one is like um that will be the best, a natural consequence.
00:07:00.079 --> 00:07:09.360
You know, um, again, here an example is if it's cold outside and your child doesn't want to put his hat on, you know, can you can say freeze?
00:07:10.160 --> 00:07:14.959
You could say to him, hey, you go out, you know, if you're cold, come back in and you can have the hat.
00:07:15.040 --> 00:07:15.680
It's no fight.
00:07:15.759 --> 00:07:23.120
You take the fight out, it's a natural consequence, it's not gonna hurt him, and he's gonna come back in because there's no fight if he's cold.
00:07:23.519 --> 00:07:25.199
Or I mean or he's gonna freeze.
00:07:25.360 --> 00:07:30.959
Yeah, I was gonna say, like, my my brother and I used to go outside and our hats would fall off, and we'd come back and get sick, and then it's your problem.
00:07:31.839 --> 00:07:42.079
But like you can't put a natural consequence in place when you're um crossing a street and you're not just gonna let him walk because the natural consequences will be terrible.
00:07:42.240 --> 00:07:44.720
So of course, there it won't work, okay?
00:07:44.800 --> 00:07:49.120
There, choose your natural consequences where they're where you can because they're the best.
00:07:49.360 --> 00:07:54.240
So, a natural consequence to go back to that is like a consequence that will happen because of their actions.
00:07:54.480 --> 00:07:58.560
So it is something like I don't want to go outside with my shoes on, but okay, you can go outside without shoes on.
00:07:58.720 --> 00:08:03.040
The pavement is really hot, and you're gonna find out that the pavement is very hot, and then you're gonna want to come back and put your shoes on.
00:08:03.199 --> 00:08:04.000
Yeah, yeah, go try.
00:08:04.160 --> 00:08:06.000
See if you can do it, if you do it, great, you know.
00:08:06.160 --> 00:08:08.959
But most likely they come back, and then you have to be okay with that too.
00:08:09.120 --> 00:08:22.079
But it's it's like you take yourself out of what's gonna happen because the the whatever happened after the what the child is doing, you know, he can then pick, and he's gonna pick smart because he took the fight, you took the fight out of it.
00:08:22.399 --> 00:08:22.560
Okay.
00:08:22.800 --> 00:08:25.040
The natural consequences are the best by far.
00:08:25.360 --> 00:08:30.000
Obviously, do this with like, you know, like within rules, like the the rule of crossing the road.
00:08:30.319 --> 00:08:33.200
If they're gonna don't let them do dangerous things, no, no, no, no.
00:08:33.279 --> 00:08:39.120
Only where it works, you know, don't let them climb 20 meters up a uh a ladder if they could fall down.
00:08:39.279 --> 00:08:42.559
That wouldn't be, you know, a natural consequence that I would uh recommend.
00:08:42.960 --> 00:08:44.159
Yeah, that would be a hard one.
00:08:44.399 --> 00:08:46.000
Okay, so natural consequences are one.
00:08:46.159 --> 00:08:50.799
Yeah, the second best is consequences made up in advance.
00:08:51.039 --> 00:09:04.480
So basically, um those are consequences where you sit with your child and you look at the behavior that didn't work, and you pick a consequence for that behavior in the future.
00:09:04.879 --> 00:09:08.320
So let me give you an example, it's easiest that way.
00:09:08.399 --> 00:09:14.240
Like, let's say your three-year-old um picks on your dog and he just thinks it's very funny.
00:09:14.399 --> 00:09:18.480
The dog is an older one, you know, um he's good with the child, but you know, you never know.
00:09:18.559 --> 00:09:22.799
You don't want him to pull on his uh tail or don't do that to my dog.
00:09:24.720 --> 00:09:33.360
So basically, you're all you already taught him like a behavior that worked, you know, already practiced like be gentle with the dog, uh, you know, pet him nicely.
00:09:33.440 --> 00:09:39.200
So he already did that, and somehow it worked for a while, but now all of a sudden, three years old, he doesn't want to do it.
00:09:39.279 --> 00:09:43.279
He pulls his tail, he's trying to sit on him, you know, just inappropriate.
00:09:43.519 --> 00:09:52.080
So, here what I would do if that happens, I would actually say, right there and then if I can do it without judgment, hey, let's let's sit down, let's look at this.
00:09:52.159 --> 00:09:54.799
Okay, the behavior with the dog doesn't work, you know.
00:09:54.879 --> 00:10:01.759
You can be very gentle with him, and you're doing a great job when you do that, but when you are rough with them, we have to have a consequence for that.
00:10:02.000 --> 00:10:11.200
So, what kind of consequence can we come up together so that instead of being rough with him, you know, you you're being very gentle.
00:10:11.360 --> 00:10:14.320
What do we have to do to stop you from being rough, basically?
00:10:14.799 --> 00:10:17.360
What would what would you uh uh make you stop?
00:10:17.919 --> 00:10:19.279
What consequence would that be?
00:10:19.440 --> 00:10:25.600
He's three years old, he doesn't know much, so I'd probably have to pick, but I include him just in case he has, you know, if he has a good consequence.
00:10:27.039 --> 00:10:28.879
And if he has a good consequence, I use it.
00:10:28.960 --> 00:10:36.799
Yeah, it's always best if I use theirs because you know, I mean if he says uh I could have no dinner anymore ever, then that's not a good consequence.
00:10:37.759 --> 00:10:40.080
Nobody that's that's gonna get me in jail.
00:10:41.039 --> 00:10:53.759
So you're not gonna pick that one, but you can you can say, okay, if you do that, maybe you have to uh lose your favorite teddy bear for half an hour.
00:10:54.000 --> 00:10:54.240
Okay.
00:10:54.639 --> 00:10:57.440
Or some something that you know is dear to the child.
00:10:57.600 --> 00:10:57.919
Yeah.
00:10:58.159 --> 00:11:01.519
And then and then you say, okay, can we agree on that?
00:11:01.759 --> 00:11:05.200
And then he says, Yes, we agree, and say, Okay, let's shake it.
00:11:05.440 --> 00:11:06.000
Agreed on.
00:11:06.080 --> 00:11:11.919
So next time you're playing rough with the dog, your teddy bear goes into timeout for half an hour.
00:11:12.159 --> 00:11:18.080
So now next time he's playing rough, I I I look at him and say, Oops, playing rough.
00:11:18.159 --> 00:11:19.679
Remember the consequence we agreed on?
00:11:19.840 --> 00:11:22.320
Your teddy bear is going in timeout now for half an hour.
00:11:22.480 --> 00:11:22.720
Yeah.
00:11:22.960 --> 00:11:27.759
Now, if that works, and he's oh I forgot, I want to no negotiation, nothing.
00:11:28.159 --> 00:11:28.799
Look, we agreed on.
00:11:28.879 --> 00:11:30.159
You know, it's just it's just what we're gonna have to do.
00:11:30.320 --> 00:11:31.120
This is still step two.
00:11:31.279 --> 00:11:32.720
This is how that that whole I go through.
00:11:33.120 --> 00:11:38.080
That's just I I just explain what a consequence agreed up on in advance is.
00:11:38.320 --> 00:11:39.120
That's still step two.
00:11:39.279 --> 00:11:45.759
Yeah, you can still either either pick the natural one, the g agreed up on it uh in advance, that's number two.
00:11:46.080 --> 00:11:48.639
And um but let me continue here.
00:11:48.879 --> 00:11:55.919
In case it doesn't work and he still um plays her off with the dog, then I have to sit down again because what do I know then?
00:11:56.960 --> 00:11:59.279
You know that the consequence wasn't strong enough.
00:11:59.440 --> 00:12:01.039
Uh so having good at this.
00:12:01.360 --> 00:12:01.679
Yeah.
00:12:02.240 --> 00:12:04.000
So I have to pick something that works better.
00:12:04.480 --> 00:12:06.480
Sometimes it's you know, you try and it doesn't work.
00:12:06.559 --> 00:12:09.360
You try something else, it doesn't work, and maybe the third one works.
00:12:09.679 --> 00:12:14.080
But that's uh consequent consequence agreed up in advance.
00:12:14.159 --> 00:12:16.320
That's number two, the second best.
00:12:16.960 --> 00:12:20.639
And like the worst is a consequence on the spot.
00:12:20.879 --> 00:12:21.679
That's bushwhack them.
00:12:21.759 --> 00:12:28.639
That's just if you do something that is so bad that you say, like, no, there's an immediate consequence for this without discussing it, or like what's not even so bad.
00:12:28.720 --> 00:12:31.360
It's just you kind of at a loss.
00:12:32.000 --> 00:12:33.039
It's the worst one.
00:12:33.679 --> 00:12:37.360
Yeah, no, it's like it's a it's the one you but sometimes you just have to, you know.
00:12:37.679 --> 00:12:38.799
You have an example.
00:12:39.039 --> 00:12:41.919
Um what about the movie theater?
00:12:42.000 --> 00:12:44.639
You like that example where you lost us for a few months?
00:12:44.960 --> 00:12:48.799
There, you should well, no, that would have no because that would have been the consequence in the advance.
00:12:48.879 --> 00:12:51.360
I would have had because it that was my fault.
00:12:51.519 --> 00:13:04.559
Because the the consequence So just a little context, we went out to the movie theater, mom asked us to do something, we said one more chance, and then she gave us one more chance, and then for the next few months, that was all we would say is one more chance, one more chance, and it completely broke everything that she was working on.
00:13:04.720 --> 00:13:06.320
Completely so the trust was gone.
00:13:06.559 --> 00:13:12.639
So, my question was could was that a situation where you should have just implemented a consequence, but you already had it pre-established.
00:13:13.039 --> 00:13:15.919
I did, because we always remember we always did before we went somewhere.
00:13:16.240 --> 00:13:17.360
We established what's gonna be.
00:13:20.399 --> 00:13:22.159
Yeah, that's a super good one, by the way.
00:13:22.240 --> 00:13:30.639
That's like, hey guys, we're going outside, these are the rules, and if you don't behave, we're gonna turn around and like or or pick another consequence, you know.
00:13:31.200 --> 00:13:35.840
That was my consequence, and it was a bad one because you have to pick consequences that work for you.
00:13:36.000 --> 00:13:41.759
Yeah, you know, I mean, it's like if you if you go somewhere and you really want to see the movie, don't pick the consequence, you're gonna go back home.
00:13:42.080 --> 00:13:43.360
Right, it's gonna mess up the movie for you.
00:13:43.440 --> 00:13:43.919
It's like okay.
00:13:44.159 --> 00:13:45.279
So you do you pick something else.
00:13:45.519 --> 00:13:47.840
So, what would you what what is an example of that then?
00:13:48.159 --> 00:14:00.879
What do you mean of the of the last one of the of the consequence of the consequence where you just initiate it without any pre-discussion, without anything like that, you're just overwhelmed, and so you implement a consequence.
00:14:01.039 --> 00:14:01.759
Is this the third?
00:14:02.399 --> 00:14:03.519
That's that's the third one.
00:14:03.679 --> 00:14:15.600
Yeah, it's it's it's like most of the if you can do it without being engaged, you know, it's like let's say the kid throws the food on the floor and you don't really have a pre-established consequence for that.
00:14:15.759 --> 00:14:29.440
It would be good to put one in place, but maybe you just like you don't want to do no right now, and then so you maybe take him out of his seat, you you you look into his face and say, Look, you're uh you're you're uh throwing the food on the floor, it does not work.
00:14:29.519 --> 00:14:33.200
Okay, I see the game, you're just trying to engage me, but it's not gonna work.
00:14:33.360 --> 00:14:35.840
You have to sit in time out, and then we try again.
00:14:36.000 --> 00:14:41.679
Okay, and that's that would be that would be still not engaged, but borderline engaged.
00:14:41.840 --> 00:14:42.000
Right.
00:14:42.399 --> 00:14:43.440
No, I okay.
00:14:43.600 --> 00:14:53.600
At that point, I think even if you do all the nice like looking in the eyes and everything, if you are at that point where you're grabbing the kids straight out, you haven't discussed anything, you're engaged.
00:14:54.320 --> 00:14:55.279
It's better if you're not.
00:14:55.360 --> 00:14:55.759
It's it's okay.
00:14:56.080 --> 00:14:58.399
Of course, but it's it's okay if you are a little bit, right?
00:14:58.480 --> 00:15:04.879
You but you don't let it like get you to a point where you're just like you're you're like losing your shit.
00:15:05.039 --> 00:15:08.879
But if they start throwing stuff around, it's okay to be a little bit like that's enough.
00:15:09.039 --> 00:15:09.919
Come here, sit down.
00:15:10.159 --> 00:15:10.720
That doesn't work.
00:15:11.039 --> 00:15:14.720
The thing is they're so smart, you know, they know when you're engaged, so they got you.
00:15:15.039 --> 00:15:16.159
So you don't want to show them at all.
00:15:17.039 --> 00:15:18.080
Show no fear.
00:15:18.720 --> 00:15:21.919
You can do it where you're not engaged, they actually didn't get you.
00:15:22.159 --> 00:15:23.679
And then it doesn't become a game.
00:15:23.840 --> 00:15:27.279
Anytime they can actually get you engaged, and they they they're very smart.
00:15:27.440 --> 00:15:29.679
They see right away, I got you or not.
00:15:29.840 --> 00:15:34.000
And if they get you, it becomes like something that they maybe repeat because it worked.
00:15:34.399 --> 00:15:34.639
Okay.
00:15:34.799 --> 00:15:39.519
So you want to be not engaged, preferably, or if you're engaged, don't do anything.
00:15:39.759 --> 00:15:52.960
Wait until you're not engaged, and then do something, you know, because it is you want to not becoming that the thing that a kid learns what works, what doesn't work, and everything when he wants to engage you and it works, that becomes something that that worked.
00:15:53.120 --> 00:15:53.919
I can use it again.
00:15:54.159 --> 00:15:57.919
So the food example, it's a real one because I did this with my with my nephew.
00:15:58.000 --> 00:16:05.600
He threw a piece of chicken at me and like threw it at me from his high chair, and I snapped him up and I put him in timeout, and like I was engaged there.
00:16:05.759 --> 00:16:08.000
I was like, hell no, you're not throwing food at me.
00:16:08.159 --> 00:16:09.039
Like, you're two.
00:16:09.120 --> 00:16:09.840
That's not happening.
00:16:10.000 --> 00:16:11.919
And I put him in timeout, and he was so shocked.
00:16:12.000 --> 00:16:14.799
I was like, you sit there and I will let you know when you can get back up.
00:16:14.879 --> 00:16:19.519
And his parents were in the room, but like, yeah, you don't throw food at people, that's ridiculous.
00:16:19.840 --> 00:16:22.799
There, I still lost there because I was engaged.
00:16:22.960 --> 00:16:30.639
Yeah, you were engaged, plus, it wasn't your child, plus if your kid throws chicken at me, like I'd give him some gloves next time.
00:16:30.799 --> 00:16:31.759
Like, let's go, little man.
00:16:31.919 --> 00:16:32.879
Like, come on.
00:16:34.320 --> 00:16:39.519
Yeah, but there would be a good thing, that would be a good thing to discuss with that child at some point.
00:16:39.600 --> 00:16:40.799
The parents have to do it, not us.
00:16:40.960 --> 00:16:46.159
You know, for for for outsiders, it's always easier to discipline a child because it's not their child, you know.
00:16:46.240 --> 00:16:50.639
It's easy for me to go in and be like boom, boom, boom, because you know, I can do that.
00:16:50.799 --> 00:16:53.840
Where the parents they have a a relationship since birth.
00:16:54.080 --> 00:16:54.559
Gotcha.
00:16:54.720 --> 00:16:55.919
And it's a little bit tougher.
00:16:56.080 --> 00:17:01.039
So okay, so those are good examples of like that's the like the third one is still a consequence you can do.
00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:03.600
You don't want to get there, but it's better than doing nothing.
00:17:03.840 --> 00:17:05.200
Okay, it's better than doing nothing.
00:17:05.359 --> 00:17:13.200
Yeah, and then the third step is actually um you have to actually put your choice in action.
00:17:13.279 --> 00:17:16.720
So now it's like second one, you you picked, you picked the consequence you want to do.
00:17:17.039 --> 00:17:19.119
Okay, so let's just do a little recap real fast.
00:17:19.200 --> 00:17:23.759
So the first one has actually two steps to it, which is assess yourself and assess the situation.
00:17:23.920 --> 00:17:25.279
Those are the first two steps of step one.
00:17:26.000 --> 00:17:26.400
Assessment, yes.
00:17:26.480 --> 00:17:26.880
Yes, yeah.
00:17:27.039 --> 00:17:27.279
General.
00:17:27.599 --> 00:17:30.880
So just look around, check out what's going on, how's the kid doing?
00:17:30.960 --> 00:17:31.680
How are you doing?
00:17:31.759 --> 00:17:32.400
What is going on?
00:17:32.480 --> 00:17:33.920
Are they doing something that's the game?
00:17:34.000 --> 00:17:34.559
What's the game?
00:17:34.880 --> 00:17:36.000
Can that can I see the game?
00:17:36.079 --> 00:17:36.960
That's always a good idea.
00:17:37.359 --> 00:17:41.119
Step one is what's the game, or is it it's no, it's it's the assessment.
00:17:41.200 --> 00:17:43.440
It's just uh I want to do three simple steps.
00:17:43.519 --> 00:17:47.839
It's it's assess, yeah, choose the consequence, yeah, follow through.
00:17:48.160 --> 00:17:51.279
So it should be the game, consequence, follow through.
00:17:51.440 --> 00:17:55.839
Or do you want to keep it as like I wanna because it's not just a game.
00:17:56.160 --> 00:17:59.359
It feels very army.
00:18:00.240 --> 00:18:04.400
It's like because it's more than just you have to assess the child and yourself.
00:18:04.640 --> 00:18:04.799
Right.
00:18:04.960 --> 00:18:06.079
Yourself is very important.
00:18:06.160 --> 00:18:06.799
Where are you at?
00:18:06.880 --> 00:18:10.880
Because if you're completely engaged, then no matter what you're gonna do, he's gonna win.
00:18:11.039 --> 00:18:16.799
But then you're like the reason I'm arguing for what's the game is because it's always a game.
00:18:17.039 --> 00:18:19.519
It's always them trying to get you to do something, you know.
00:18:20.000 --> 00:18:25.039
They don't see it as a game, and they're not unnecessarily it's if you do, because you're the one analyzing.
00:18:25.200 --> 00:18:28.160
If you go, okay, you sit back, you go, okay, what is the game?
00:18:28.240 --> 00:18:30.960
Yeah, they're trying to get me mad because he's throwing food at me.
00:18:31.119 --> 00:18:32.079
Yeah, how do I feel?
00:18:32.240 --> 00:18:35.119
Pissed off because I don't like chicken being thrown at me.
00:18:35.279 --> 00:18:35.440
Yeah.
00:18:35.680 --> 00:18:37.599
So what's the mood?
00:18:37.839 --> 00:18:42.799
First of all, I could be like, look, the natural consequence is like you're gonna have less chicken because of that.
00:18:42.960 --> 00:18:43.759
Not strong enough.
00:18:43.920 --> 00:18:48.160
The second one would be okay, I'm going to make a consequence, just like, hey, you don't throw chicken at me.
00:18:48.240 --> 00:18:49.440
What's a consequence that we can do?
00:18:49.519 --> 00:18:52.079
And he's gonna be like, I'm gonna uh throw more chicken at you.
00:18:52.319 --> 00:18:58.799
Like, no, actually, you're gonna go into that room, you're gonna sit by yourself and time out for two minutes, and that's what's gonna happen if you throw another piece of chicken at me.
00:18:58.960 --> 00:19:01.039
And so that would be number two.
00:19:01.279 --> 00:19:01.759
I would be good.
00:19:01.839 --> 00:19:01.920
Yeah.
00:19:02.079 --> 00:19:05.119
Or number three, we've had three pieces of chicken thrown at you and you're done.
00:19:05.200 --> 00:19:10.000
So you grab them and you put them in timeout and you explain them what's happening and you leave them there, which is where you lose.
00:19:10.079 --> 00:19:15.200
Yeah, but that's kind of like just like as a as like a as like a package of like where we are so far.
00:19:15.599 --> 00:19:20.079
You cannot always do like a consequence up in advance or a natural consequence.
00:19:20.240 --> 00:19:21.920
So sometimes you have to go to the immediate.
00:19:22.319 --> 00:19:24.960
I'm just I'm just giving like a package of like how we look so far.
00:19:25.039 --> 00:19:30.160
So we have the assessment, then we have the consequence, and now we have now we have to follow through.
00:19:30.240 --> 00:19:32.640
You actually we have actually have to put it in action.
00:19:32.799 --> 00:19:37.759
You know, whatever we decide to do, now comes a time where we have to put it in action.
00:19:38.319 --> 00:19:40.880
And there again, you have to do it.
00:19:41.039 --> 00:19:48.000
First of all, you have to be very clear, you have to get the child's attention, don't uh talk at them, you know.
00:19:48.160 --> 00:19:52.880
Uh talk that sorry, don't don't, yeah, not just like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:19:52.960 --> 00:19:57.039
It's like get his attention, look into his eyes and say, hey, hello, I'm here.
00:19:57.680 --> 00:19:58.240
How you doing?
00:19:58.400 --> 00:19:59.920
This is gonna suck for you.
00:20:02.480 --> 00:20:04.160
And then and then follow through.
00:20:04.319 --> 00:20:05.359
No discussion.
00:20:05.599 --> 00:20:08.319
Okay, because that's that's such a good one.
00:20:08.400 --> 00:20:10.000
So many kids are so good at that.
00:20:10.160 --> 00:20:13.920
Oh, there's like, but what if I can the negotiate the way kids learn to discuss?
00:20:16.000 --> 00:20:17.119
But I didn't mean it.
00:20:17.279 --> 00:20:18.880
I know I'm gonna be good now.
00:20:18.960 --> 00:20:22.960
No, I'm but mom, but that you know what the uh Mateo does?
00:20:23.279 --> 00:20:29.359
He does the thing and he goes, no, please, no please, no please, because he knows Micah likes to hear the word please, and I'm like, here it comes.
00:20:29.920 --> 00:20:31.039
Get ready.
00:20:31.359 --> 00:20:32.880
Yeah, they're very good at it.
00:20:32.960 --> 00:20:34.480
So that's that's a no.
00:20:34.559 --> 00:20:35.759
You don't, no discussion.
00:20:36.000 --> 00:20:36.559
No discussion.
00:20:36.799 --> 00:20:38.240
That is that the hardest part.
00:20:38.480 --> 00:20:39.279
The no discussion.
00:20:39.680 --> 00:20:40.720
No, the follow- the follow-through.
00:20:40.799 --> 00:20:41.119
Yeah, absolutely.
00:20:41.279 --> 00:20:42.240
The follow through is definitely the hardest part.
00:20:42.400 --> 00:20:47.359
Because it's because you really have to be your word, it it's here where you establish the trust with your child.
00:20:47.920 --> 00:20:49.119
It's it's so important.
00:20:49.359 --> 00:20:55.680
It's like if you have their trust that you are doing what you're saying, parenting is good gonna become so much easier.
00:20:55.839 --> 00:20:57.359
So, yeah, that's that's the hardest part.
00:20:57.680 --> 00:20:58.799
So, follow-through is just simple.
00:20:58.880 --> 00:20:59.680
Do what you say.
00:20:59.759 --> 00:21:00.640
Yeah, that is it.
00:21:00.720 --> 00:21:04.480
It is such a but it's like that is also where chaos breaks out.
00:21:04.559 --> 00:21:06.720
That is where you're gonna completely realign their thinking.
00:21:06.799 --> 00:21:17.599
That is where you're gonna completely destroy any image they've had of how the games work that don't work for you, that's where you're gonna find the thing that is gonna absolutely break the reality.
00:21:17.680 --> 00:21:19.599
And that's usually where they're gonna have tantrums and things like this.
00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:47.279
Yeah, and it's also it could be very much happening that, you know, let's say your your consequence is they've they lose the teddy for half an hour, and then it goes into like you know, throwing a fit and then you know, and then uh kicking the door, and but you can't then escalate and say, so now you don't lose that, and now it's always this, and this happens to you stay with that one thing, and you only um correct that one thing and follow through with that one thing.
00:21:47.519 --> 00:21:52.799
You have the teddy bear for half an hour, that's just what it is, and you let the rest slide.
00:21:53.279 --> 00:21:59.759
So, with that, I I have a problem with that, with the not well, I'm I'm I know I'm not.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:00.480
The only one.
00:22:00.559 --> 00:22:12.799
I know there's gonna be other parents in here who are gonna be like, okay, I took the teddy way for 30 minutes, but now he's destroying his room, he's kicking his door, he's throwing everything around, he's screaming, he's punching, he's biting, he's not sitting in timeout.
00:22:13.759 --> 00:22:25.599
For me, I'm like, dude, okay, then all the toys go in timeout, and just tell him, like, before, like, listen, I already told you what's gonna happen there, but this whole craziness, like, if you keep this up, then all the toys are gonna go.
00:22:25.759 --> 00:22:28.400
And then after that, if you want to keep it up, then the door will go.
00:22:28.480 --> 00:22:31.599
And then if you want to keep it up, then we're gonna take the bed, and you can just have the mattress.
00:22:31.680 --> 00:22:36.160
Like it, like, you know, like, and then I'll be like, I'll see how far you want to go, but I'm going to take this stuff.
00:22:36.240 --> 00:22:38.480
Like, because I'm I'm I I think I'm different like that.
00:22:38.559 --> 00:22:39.200
I'll actually do it.
00:22:39.279 --> 00:22:40.559
You know, like I'll actually take your stuff.
00:22:40.640 --> 00:22:43.119
I don't pretend that I'll be like, no, no, no, you really don't need toys.
00:22:43.279 --> 00:22:44.400
I also don't have kids, guys.
00:22:44.480 --> 00:22:49.920
So like I'm I'm talking from like a but can you feel it just by talking how we get more and more engaged?
00:22:50.160 --> 00:22:52.720
Not engaged, but I'm just like, yeah, okay.
00:22:53.200 --> 00:22:58.799
Maybe I am engaged, but I'm also like, I I I don't see how letting them run wild.
00:22:59.279 --> 00:23:00.400
You don't let them run wild.
00:23:00.480 --> 00:23:01.359
I wouldn't let them run wild.
00:23:01.440 --> 00:23:01.680
You know what I mean?
00:23:01.839 --> 00:23:03.519
Okay, but that's that's where we're teddy.
00:23:04.319 --> 00:23:05.200
That's where we're getting to.
00:23:05.359 --> 00:23:08.960
Most people who have never done this before will have a child that runs wild, and that's the difficult part.
00:23:09.039 --> 00:23:09.279
Yeah.
00:23:09.440 --> 00:23:18.000
So the follow-through, I think we need to put like an asterisk on it or something that says, like, if it's if he goes crazy, then do a timeout.
00:23:18.640 --> 00:23:19.680
They don't do the timeout.
00:23:19.839 --> 00:23:20.960
Well, then you sit with them.
00:23:21.279 --> 00:23:22.319
Then that's it.
00:23:22.480 --> 00:23:25.200
You let them go crazy in timeout while you sit at him.
00:23:25.440 --> 00:23:26.799
I always look at the super nanny part.
00:23:26.880 --> 00:23:26.960
Yeah.
00:23:27.039 --> 00:23:27.200
Right.
00:23:27.279 --> 00:23:33.680
And the super nanny, like they say they're gonna sit in timeout, but the kid constantly leaves, so you gotta put them back in timeout and back in timeout and back.
00:23:33.759 --> 00:23:35.519
And like that's escalation.
00:23:35.599 --> 00:23:35.839
Yeah.
00:23:36.000 --> 00:23:43.119
That's you escalating and matching their energy to show them like doesn't matter where you think you're going, it's going to suck more for you if you keep this up.
00:23:43.359 --> 00:23:43.440
Yeah.
00:23:44.000 --> 00:23:44.559
Is that wrong?
00:23:44.799 --> 00:23:59.839
Uh I I think the way I do it, when that really becomes an issue, then I would sit behind the child and just hold him without talking, without anything, he's trying to whatever, you know, and just let him go through until he's ready to sit.
00:24:00.079 --> 00:24:04.400
Even that, like, that induces biting, that induces spitting, like all that stuff.
00:24:04.720 --> 00:24:08.640
Like, I don't I don't want them to do that because that's gonna that's gonna get me really riled up, you know.
00:24:08.720 --> 00:24:12.319
Like if you're biting me and you're spitting on me, I'm like, whoa, hang on.
00:24:12.480 --> 00:24:17.039
But like if I just say to you, like, the teddy's gone, and then they have their absolute freak out.
00:24:17.279 --> 00:24:20.079
I'm like, okay, you like now we're gonna sit in timeout because you can't do this.
00:24:20.160 --> 00:24:22.400
And they don't sit in timeouts, like, cool, you don't have to sit there.
00:24:22.480 --> 00:24:30.160
But I'm telling you, if you don't sit there, then the teddy goes, then the snake goes, and the parrot goes, and you know, then as long as you get every time you get up, I take one.
00:24:30.240 --> 00:24:32.160
And then like, we'll see when you get them back.
00:24:32.240 --> 00:24:33.279
But like, you know what I mean?
00:24:33.440 --> 00:24:38.640
Like, it's just like I I'm I'm having a trouble, like, because the the the people you can try that.
00:24:38.720 --> 00:24:46.160
I mean, uh, if if that works, is it but then at the end you have all the toys in time out, and you know, and how far you want to take it.
00:24:46.240 --> 00:24:47.279
You like having blankets?
00:24:47.440 --> 00:24:50.960
Great, you should chill out, you can get your blanket back.
00:24:51.119 --> 00:24:54.640
Like, you like I'm just saying, like it's just it's because they're gonna try.
00:24:54.880 --> 00:24:56.400
And if they get you, they will try.
00:24:56.480 --> 00:24:59.519
You know, it's like you have to be you have to be it's cool as a cucumber.
00:24:59.839 --> 00:25:03.200
You have to pick your your your consequence and you follow through with that.
00:25:03.279 --> 00:25:04.880
The teddy's gone for half an hour.
00:25:05.039 --> 00:25:06.319
Yeah, now he throws a fit.
00:25:06.400 --> 00:25:09.440
Okay, I sit with him, sit behind him, and just hold him.
00:25:09.519 --> 00:25:10.079
He's three years old.
00:25:10.160 --> 00:25:10.640
I can hold him.
00:25:10.799 --> 00:25:11.839
Okay, he's kicking and biting you.
00:25:11.920 --> 00:25:16.640
Okay, he's not I can hold him in a way where he can bite me if I have to hold his arms out of a way.
00:25:17.279 --> 00:25:20.079
And I'm just I'm not talking to him, I'm not saying stop.
00:25:20.240 --> 00:25:21.519
I don't do anything.
00:25:21.680 --> 00:25:24.960
I'm just sitting behind him, trying to be calm.
00:25:25.680 --> 00:25:26.720
Trying to be calm.
00:25:26.880 --> 00:25:27.440
Be calm.
00:25:27.680 --> 00:25:29.279
Okay, but what about for parents like me?
00:25:29.440 --> 00:25:32.319
Like, let's say that it's my three-year-old, and like he's kicking around.
00:25:32.400 --> 00:25:33.599
I'm not gonna sit there and hold him.
00:25:33.680 --> 00:25:38.960
Like, because I've seen parents who do this, and like my kid does this as well, but he becomes like a hug.
00:25:39.119 --> 00:25:43.680
And like kids want like more than anything, they want his attention, right?
00:25:43.759 --> 00:25:45.599
They love him so much they want his attention.
00:25:45.680 --> 00:25:51.039
And so he's there giving him all their attention by sitting there and hugging because that is now the default.
00:25:51.200 --> 00:25:56.559
That is like, like, you're talking about like it's like a uh a step, like, okay, this is critical.
00:25:56.640 --> 00:25:57.920
Like now we're at critical level.
00:25:58.079 --> 00:25:59.759
No, that just becomes a default for them.
00:25:59.839 --> 00:26:04.799
They know that they can get dad to come over and sit behind them and hug them for the entire period.
00:26:04.960 --> 00:26:10.079
If I just go crazy enough, and then that's the you know that doesn't feel like a consequence.
00:26:10.160 --> 00:26:15.200
That feels like I got you, I got your attention, I got your full physical capabilities, I got all of you.
00:26:15.279 --> 00:26:18.319
There's nothing else you can do than pay attention to me right now.
00:26:18.400 --> 00:26:19.839
That's my problem with that.
00:26:20.160 --> 00:26:20.880
It depends.
00:26:21.039 --> 00:26:22.960
I I think I I think you're right.
00:26:23.119 --> 00:26:26.559
If that's if if he got you and that's but that's getting you, no.
00:26:26.720 --> 00:26:30.160
Not not necessarily, no, it all depends on where where you are at.
00:26:30.240 --> 00:26:35.680
If you're sitting there and you don't let it get to you, then you then you win.
00:26:35.839 --> 00:26:37.839
It's like, how can you win that situation?
00:26:38.079 --> 00:26:51.039
Because uh mentally, sure, but physically, if we had a great example of this, when we did the when we were kids, we did this whole thing where like uh kids constantly want to talk to you if they're badly behaved while and when you're on the phone, right?
00:26:51.200 --> 00:26:56.799
Kids go as mom, mom, mom, and we had like like no, I'm on the phone, don't talk to me.
00:26:57.119 --> 00:27:04.880
But I can see that escalating and kids just going crazier and crazier until like pay attention to me, pay attention to me, pay attention to me.
00:27:04.960 --> 00:27:08.319
And the sit behind is the ultimate, like, nice, got you.
00:27:08.400 --> 00:27:09.279
Now I'm gonna spit on you.
00:27:09.359 --> 00:27:21.680
Now I'm gonna it's just I know I'm playing devil's advocate here, but I want to pull it apart a bit because like I think you can try your solution, but I think it's more you you get the more you it's an escalation on both sides.
00:27:21.759 --> 00:27:29.839
You you go further and further up on the scale of you know, you're getting more engaged, he gets more engaged, and it's not calming anybody down.
00:27:30.000 --> 00:27:35.599
If I sit behind him and just make sure he's okay, he cannot bite me, he cannot spit on me because I'm behind.
00:27:35.680 --> 00:27:36.480
It's hard to script.
00:27:38.079 --> 00:27:39.039
Like, yeah.
00:27:39.359 --> 00:27:42.480
It's it's you know, it it's I'm not hugging him.
00:27:42.720 --> 00:27:43.839
It looks like a hug.
00:27:44.240 --> 00:27:46.559
I've seen parents do this, do it without a hug.
00:27:46.960 --> 00:27:53.119
Well, then my my my only pushback here is again, like physically, you're completely stopped by this.
00:27:53.200 --> 00:27:54.799
Like this is But you are no matter what.
00:27:54.880 --> 00:27:56.400
Yeah, but that means you're engaged.
00:27:56.640 --> 00:27:59.599
It doesn't matter if you're fit if you're mentally like no, I'm still good, I'm still good.
00:27:59.680 --> 00:28:02.160
No, and you're sitting there, you're 100% engaged.
00:28:02.559 --> 00:28:05.039
Because the child knows if he gets you or not.
00:28:05.359 --> 00:28:07.119
No, he's trying, he's trying, he's trying to get it.
00:28:07.359 --> 00:28:07.920
You're sitting behind.
00:28:08.160 --> 00:28:09.440
I'm sitting behind, I'm completely.
00:28:10.559 --> 00:28:14.480
And I'm the only thing I'm saying to myself, it's not gonna work, it's not gonna work.
00:28:14.640 --> 00:28:15.440
I'm gonna be stupid.
00:28:15.680 --> 00:28:17.759
But you could say that, but it's already worked.
00:28:17.920 --> 00:28:19.680
No, it's already because you're there.
00:28:19.759 --> 00:28:20.880
You have to physically resist.
00:28:21.200 --> 00:28:22.400
Yeah, and sometimes you do.
00:28:22.640 --> 00:28:24.240
And so, okay, but that means they win.
00:28:24.480 --> 00:28:27.359
Because you're no not not if I'm not engaged.
00:28:27.440 --> 00:28:32.400
No, if if I say, Look, and then uh afterwards I can look at and say, that was a powerful thing.
00:28:32.480 --> 00:28:33.680
It's not gonna work anymore, though.
00:28:33.839 --> 00:28:34.640
You know, no big deal.
00:28:34.799 --> 00:28:37.119
And then they do it again, and then you sit behind them and they hold them.
00:28:37.279 --> 00:28:42.960
The reason I say, the reason I argue that you still like you're still engaged is because number one, you can't do anything else.
00:28:43.119 --> 00:28:44.559
You can literally not do anything else.
00:28:44.640 --> 00:28:49.039
You could not be on the phone then, you can be talking to somebody then, nothing, you could be doing nothing else then.
00:28:49.279 --> 00:28:49.599
That's true.
00:28:49.759 --> 00:28:52.720
So you are engaged with that child 1000%.
00:28:53.039 --> 00:28:56.000
They're in the center of your world because you can't do anything else.
00:28:56.240 --> 00:29:00.960
But it I mean, at the engagement I'm looking at is are you judging?
00:29:01.119 --> 00:29:02.720
Are you being the police?
00:29:02.960 --> 00:29:06.640
Are you being convicting the child of doing wrong?
00:29:06.880 --> 00:29:11.039
And that's where that engagement I'm talking about, not giving him attention.
00:29:11.119 --> 00:29:12.160
That's not what I'm talking.
00:29:12.400 --> 00:29:14.000
You you have to give your kids attention.
00:29:14.079 --> 00:29:15.279
I mean, you're a parent, you know.
00:29:15.359 --> 00:29:18.480
You it's like sometimes you can't uh be on the phone.
00:29:18.640 --> 00:29:23.200
Sometimes you have a phone call and they need your attention, and it's more important than you finish your phone call.
00:29:23.440 --> 00:29:28.640
But 99.9% of the time, it's not what that they need, like they just want your attention.
00:29:28.799 --> 00:29:29.680
Yeah, a lot of times.
00:29:29.839 --> 00:29:32.160
But I mean, I can tell you, I'm gonna give Mike an example.
00:29:32.319 --> 00:29:37.680
Every time I call with Micah, Mateo comes in and like says something, something, then wants to talk to me for a little bit.
00:29:37.759 --> 00:29:42.079
It's very cute, and then goes and makes an absolute ruckus in the background.
00:29:42.160 --> 00:29:43.359
I'm like, what the hell is happening?
00:29:43.440 --> 00:29:45.119
Are you like rebuilding your apartment?
00:29:45.200 --> 00:29:49.680
And it's just like he wants Micah's attention because I have Micah's attention right now and he can't stand it.
00:29:49.759 --> 00:30:02.160
Yeah, and so though that that's why I'm pushing back so much because the sit behind is like, I get it, but also that is if if that's the if them's the bricks, if that's the stopping point, kids will go right through it.
00:30:02.480 --> 00:30:04.559
Well, but there again, you know, okay.
00:30:04.640 --> 00:30:06.640
So there he's there.
00:30:07.200 --> 00:30:17.279
This example, you say you're on the phone with Micah, Micah, and Matteo is going for Micah's attention because Micah has you have Micah's attention right now.
00:30:17.440 --> 00:30:18.799
So what you what could you do?
00:30:18.960 --> 00:30:35.839
You could say, Micah could say, okay, let's look at this situation, let's get a consequence for that behavior, and then find the consequence and talk with Matteo and say, okay, every time I'm on the phone, no matter with whom, you know, if you make uh a racket behind, you pull the attention, this is what's gonna happen.
00:30:36.079 --> 00:30:36.319
Okay.
00:30:36.720 --> 00:30:44.160
And then when that when that's gonna happen, I said, I will hang up the phone right away, and you will do, I don't know, a cleaning assignment.
00:30:44.400 --> 00:30:46.240
Okay, so that's my question then.
00:30:46.559 --> 00:30:47.839
You hang up the phone right away.
00:30:48.480 --> 00:30:49.759
What if I don't want to hang up the phone?
00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:51.599
What if I want to talk to whoever I'm talking to?
00:30:51.680 --> 00:30:52.400
You know, I'm a dull.
00:30:52.559 --> 00:30:54.160
Like it's it's maybe you call back.
00:30:54.240 --> 00:30:54.559
I don't know.
00:30:54.960 --> 00:30:58.079
But then, like, that's that's the part where I'm like, I'm struggling with it a bit.
00:30:58.240 --> 00:31:03.039
You know, that's the part where I'm like, but then you may not be mentally, you might be, you know, Zen Buddha.
00:31:03.200 --> 00:31:03.680
Okay, fine.
00:31:03.759 --> 00:31:06.240
Like, we know Micah's got the patience of like a monk.
00:31:06.319 --> 00:31:06.880
It's crazy.
00:31:07.039 --> 00:31:08.160
Like, he's so patient.
00:31:08.400 --> 00:31:12.640
But then again, like the moment you hang up that phone, you're engaged.
00:31:12.880 --> 00:31:13.920
They have got you.
00:31:14.160 --> 00:31:15.519
No, not necessarily.
00:31:15.680 --> 00:31:17.279
You're handling the situation.
00:31:17.519 --> 00:31:23.039
You know, I mean, I talk to me aunt, then all of a sudden, like um Alexander pulls the attention.
00:31:23.200 --> 00:31:26.079
She says, Hey, I have to go quickly, I have to handle a situation.
00:31:26.160 --> 00:31:27.119
I call you up back.
00:31:27.519 --> 00:31:30.319
She goes, handles the situation, comes back.
00:31:30.400 --> 00:31:33.680
And there is no screaming in the background, there's no blah blah blah.
00:31:33.759 --> 00:31:34.559
You know, it's working.
00:31:34.960 --> 00:31:39.440
So maybe my my problem with it is that that you know, we say like you shouldn't get engaged.
00:31:39.599 --> 00:31:40.799
I I don't I don't agree.
00:31:41.039 --> 00:31:44.079
I think there is a certain level of engagement that you should you need to have.
00:31:44.480 --> 00:31:52.319
Absolutely, you need to be engaged, you shouldn't judge, you shouldn't be policing, you shouldn't, you shouldn't prosecute your child because he's wrong.
00:31:52.480 --> 00:31:58.559
He's not wrong for doing the behavior he's doing, he's just testing, he's pushing the boundaries, but he's not wrong.
00:31:58.880 --> 00:32:00.160
But the behavior is wrong.
00:32:00.400 --> 00:32:01.759
The behavior has to be corrected.
00:32:02.079 --> 00:32:03.519
You're a coach, you're a coach, okay?
00:32:03.599 --> 00:32:05.839
But it's a behavior that doesn't work, so you correct it.
00:32:06.000 --> 00:32:11.359
Sorry, as a coach, you're gonna correct wrong behavior, but the kid isn't wrong, the behavior is wrong, and so there needs to be consequences for that.
00:32:12.000 --> 00:32:15.920
But it doesn't mean you're not engaged, you are engaged with your kids really all the time.
00:32:16.160 --> 00:32:18.640
I mean, I'm maybe it's a wrong terminology.
00:32:18.880 --> 00:32:27.200
I'm trying, yeah, I just because we're we're setting up the standards now, and I want to pick it apart a little bit because being not engaged is like, no, you do have to be engaged, you have to physically be there.
00:32:27.519 --> 00:32:30.079
And and you have to also see, okay, this is important, you know.
00:32:30.160 --> 00:32:38.640
I I don't remember, uh, I don't know if you remember, but when we had the thing with the phone, you actually had to we we practice what works, you know.
00:32:38.720 --> 00:32:48.960
Yeah, so we had like we did we played like I'm on the phone, and then you have to tap me three times, and then you have to wait, and then you were on the phone, and I tapped you three times, so we practiced that in a good time.
00:32:49.039 --> 00:32:49.920
It was a game, yeah.
00:32:50.079 --> 00:32:51.440
But after that, it worked.
00:32:51.519 --> 00:33:00.480
Yeah, you guys knew how to interrupt, and I would I have to make sure that when you tap me, I don't just go blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, completely ignore you.
00:33:00.640 --> 00:33:07.680
I have I have to say, I give you just one minute, and then I would say, excuse me, my child needs my attention right now.
00:33:07.920 --> 00:33:10.640
Just a minute, address it, go play.
00:33:11.279 --> 00:33:11.759
That worked.
00:33:11.920 --> 00:33:16.480
So I mean, yeah, but like it's because you already had a good foundation, right?
00:33:16.640 --> 00:33:18.960
The people I'm arguing for are the people who don't have a foundation.
00:33:19.200 --> 00:33:20.160
Well, we're building one foundation.
00:33:20.319 --> 00:33:20.960
I know, I know, I know.
00:33:21.039 --> 00:33:22.799
And that's why that's why I'm picking it apart, right?
00:33:22.880 --> 00:33:25.119
That's why I'm like going through and playing devil's advocate here.
00:33:25.200 --> 00:33:29.440
It's like, I want to make sure that when we get through, because the follow-through is so critically hard.
00:33:29.599 --> 00:33:31.039
I've seen it with so many parents.
00:33:31.119 --> 00:33:33.680
And like when you have it pre-established, it's much easier.
00:33:33.839 --> 00:33:36.559
When you don't have it pre-established, it is a lot of work.
00:33:36.640 --> 00:33:39.440
It's so worth it because afterwards you get your life back.
00:33:39.519 --> 00:33:41.359
Yeah, but like it is tricky.
00:33:41.440 --> 00:33:46.880
And so to define the engagement part, like don't be the judge, be the coach.
00:33:47.039 --> 00:33:49.200
You say that often, but you do have to engage with them.
00:33:49.759 --> 00:33:50.160
Of course, yeah.
00:33:50.240 --> 00:33:51.359
I mean, that's it's the wrong thing.
00:33:51.440 --> 00:33:53.759
I mean, emotionally engaged where you make them wrong.
00:33:53.920 --> 00:33:54.720
Don't make them wrong.
00:33:54.799 --> 00:33:55.039
Yeah.
00:33:55.519 --> 00:33:58.319
What they're doing doesn't work, yeah, but they're not wrong.
00:33:58.400 --> 00:34:01.119
They're kids, they're trying, they're learning life, you know.
00:34:01.200 --> 00:34:01.920
I mean, coach them.
00:34:02.240 --> 00:34:03.839
So I think would you don't police them?
00:34:04.480 --> 00:34:06.319
Engage, I think is the word the wording.
00:34:06.400 --> 00:34:10.880
We need to work on the wording because it to engage with something means like you're interacting with it, right?
00:34:11.039 --> 00:34:14.880
Yeah, and so like if it if you're like the kid does something, then you have to engage.
00:34:15.199 --> 00:34:22.320
But like, of course, like you still want to have that, like they're trying to get me mentally to play their like little back and forth.
00:34:22.559 --> 00:34:29.280
And if I can stay above that, I'm gonna do much better than if I go down and I start like losing my temper because they're throwing chicken at me.
00:34:29.519 --> 00:34:33.519
Because if they're wrong, then you have the right to punish, and then it becomes a punishment.
00:34:33.679 --> 00:34:38.079
Uh punishment is always they're always gonna win because they're they're they got you completely engaged.
00:34:38.159 --> 00:34:48.000
Yeah, so you don't we you if you can avoid punishment, no matter what it is, it could also be the quiet thing, you know, we just walk away pissed off and they got you, yeah, you know, even if you don't do nothing.
00:34:48.159 --> 00:34:55.760
So that's that kind of um response or reaction I'm trying to avoid.
00:34:56.000 --> 00:34:58.239
You know, I want to respond, not react.
00:34:58.400 --> 00:34:58.719
Yeah.
00:34:59.119 --> 00:35:00.159
Does that make more sense?
00:35:00.400 --> 00:35:03.039
That yes, yes.
00:35:03.199 --> 00:35:05.280
Reactions are off the cuff.
00:35:05.360 --> 00:35:09.119
It's very like now, boom, this happens because of what you did.
00:35:09.199 --> 00:35:12.320
Yeah, and a response is we already know what's gonna happen.
00:35:12.480 --> 00:35:13.840
You just decide to go that road.
00:35:13.920 --> 00:35:17.199
And so now I have to go down this road with you and show you what happens when you go down this road.
00:35:17.679 --> 00:35:20.480
So you're a coach again, and you you you do the three things.
00:35:20.559 --> 00:35:22.000
You assess what is it?
00:35:22.159 --> 00:35:22.800
What's the game?
00:35:22.880 --> 00:35:23.840
How do you pull it?
00:35:24.000 --> 00:35:32.000
Where I'm at, you know, can I actually uh correct the behavior without completely being pissed off or you know, making them wrong?
00:35:32.159 --> 00:35:34.960
And then the second one is pick a consequence.
00:35:35.119 --> 00:35:36.000
Which one was the best?
00:35:36.079 --> 00:35:38.000
Do I have to establish one right now?
00:35:38.400 --> 00:35:40.079
And it only applies next time.
00:35:40.400 --> 00:35:45.920
Whenever I do the consequences in advance, we pick the consequence, but it only applies next time.
00:35:46.159 --> 00:35:54.559
That's also a I think it's its own video, which we have to do, which is where you know, I think parents get this wrong where they go, okay, they did a thing I don't like now.
00:35:54.639 --> 00:35:57.519
If you do this again, you're gonna get this and like this is gonna happen.
00:35:57.599 --> 00:35:59.440
Yeah, and then like blah-blah, I told you I was good.
00:36:00.880 --> 00:36:01.760
And like that's the problem.
00:36:01.840 --> 00:36:03.039
Yeah, like that, that's a whole different video.
00:36:03.280 --> 00:36:14.960
Yeah, it's but it's not like that because because you do it when it comes, but it you if you're calm in a moment where he just was like uh being mean to the dog again, you know, can say, let's sit down, let's look at this, you know.
00:36:15.119 --> 00:36:23.840
I mean, I really like when you're being really gentle with the dog, he's doing such a good job, but also what I don't like is when you're being rough, and that's not good for the dog.
00:36:23.920 --> 00:36:27.920
So let's find a consequence that applies when you're off with the dog.
00:36:28.320 --> 00:36:32.480
And then you say you agree on losing the teddy or whatever, you know, you know your child.
00:36:32.639 --> 00:36:38.960
So, but that time, the teddy that doesn't go away now because we just picked the consequence, right?
00:36:39.199 --> 00:36:41.760
And he didn't have a uh a way of picking.
00:36:41.840 --> 00:36:47.679
Yeah, so next time, and I tell him, so next time you're off house with the dog, the consequence will apply.
00:36:47.920 --> 00:36:55.280
Which could be in a lot of scenarios, right after you said it, two seconds after you said it, he whacks the dog on the butt and then you go wink.
00:36:55.679 --> 00:37:02.719
Yeah, he's gonna try and see if the consequence if if it actually holds, if the boundary is set, is it actually strong enough and does it hold?
00:37:02.960 --> 00:37:09.039
And if he has to hold, you have to be your word, and then say, Oops, that's just what we talked about.
00:37:09.199 --> 00:37:11.119
Now Teddy has to go in time out.
00:37:11.440 --> 00:37:15.679
Okay, and then you'll see, you know, and then it's oh no, no, no, no discussion.
00:37:15.760 --> 00:37:16.400
I'm sorry, honey.
00:37:16.480 --> 00:37:17.679
We just this we just talked about it.
00:37:17.920 --> 00:37:18.800
We just talked about it.
00:37:19.199 --> 00:37:20.159
So those are the three.
00:37:20.320 --> 00:37:20.800
Yeah, it's good.
00:37:21.039 --> 00:37:24.000
I think it's also like uh it's uh in the engagement thing.
00:37:24.079 --> 00:37:27.360
I think it's a bit of an old word that we were using from the parenting from before.
00:37:27.440 --> 00:37:32.960
I'm glad we're able to kind of like pick it apart as well because like that last part, that follow through, like you see it with so many parents.
00:37:33.039 --> 00:37:39.119
Like it's like it's like if you would just follow through with what you would say, that's but then it is tricky because it's a hard thing to do.
00:37:39.360 --> 00:37:50.480
You don't want to be a judge, you don't want to be the police, you do want to be a coach, and so you have to be able to do this stuff by engaging with them, but not letting yourself get sucked into it by responding rather than reacting.
00:37:50.639 --> 00:37:51.519
Yeah, very good.
00:37:51.599 --> 00:37:52.719
That's I can agree with that.
00:37:52.880 --> 00:37:53.920
Yes, okay.
00:37:54.480 --> 00:37:55.119
Cool.
00:37:55.679 --> 00:37:57.920
Anything else from the the the diagram?
00:37:58.400 --> 00:37:59.360
No, we didn't do it.
00:37:59.679 --> 00:38:01.920
We we didn't even touch here, which is crazy.
00:38:02.000 --> 00:38:04.960
We've so much to talk about because because it's just the three most things.
00:38:05.039 --> 00:38:07.840
You always start with those, yeah, and you're always on a better path.
00:38:08.000 --> 00:38:10.639
And those are just the three things are that are the high level.
00:38:10.800 --> 00:38:21.119
Yeah, everything that we're working on is gonna be low-level tips of like how to actually what you can do of those different consequences, how you can assess what kind of view you should have.
00:38:21.280 --> 00:38:22.559
All this stuff is coming, guys.
00:38:22.639 --> 00:38:24.800
We're gonna also cover this in different podcasts.
00:38:25.119 --> 00:38:29.599
So yeah, if you like this, you should like, subscribe, tell your friends.
00:38:29.679 --> 00:38:34.159
If you got people who have kids who you know are having a tough time, send them our way.
00:38:34.320 --> 00:38:36.000
Have them comment on the videos below.
00:38:36.159 --> 00:38:37.199
We will take your comments.
00:38:37.360 --> 00:38:38.800
Okay, we're still very new with this.
00:38:39.039 --> 00:38:41.840
We will take all your comments and read them because we don't have any right now.
00:38:41.920 --> 00:38:45.760
So if you want to share this with people who might you think would benefit from this.
00:38:46.000 --> 00:38:49.440
Um, parenting ninja, and how do you want to send us off?
00:38:49.760 --> 00:38:53.920
Well, um, enjoy your kids as much as you can because they're growing fast.
00:38:54.880 --> 00:38:58.239
Some of us grow to a certain spot and then we stop, Lydia.
00:38:59.599 --> 00:39:00.239
Okay, cool.
00:39:00.400 --> 00:39:01.280
See you next time, guys.
00:00:04.480 --> 00:00:07.679
Guys, welcome back to Parenting Tools, the podcast.
00:00:07.839 --> 00:00:11.439
The tools designed to give you the parents everything you need.
00:00:11.519 --> 00:00:15.039
Or if you know some parents, you're trying to help them out, you want to, you know, maybe give them some tools.
00:00:15.199 --> 00:00:16.239
This is the spot to get it.
00:00:16.320 --> 00:00:17.120
My name is Ian.
00:00:17.359 --> 00:00:19.920
I am uh the son of Nicole.
00:00:20.079 --> 00:00:24.399
So I'm what you would call the byproduct of the thing.
00:00:24.640 --> 00:00:26.239
So obviously it's fantastic.
00:00:26.399 --> 00:00:28.719
As I just mentioned, going to the police station and everything.
00:00:28.800 --> 00:00:31.839
It's you know, it's exactly what every parent wants to hear from their child.
00:00:32.079 --> 00:00:32.960
They're going and messing up.
00:00:33.200 --> 00:00:34.159
Maybe cut that out.
00:00:34.479 --> 00:00:35.920
We edit that part out.
00:00:36.159 --> 00:00:37.840
Um, yeah.
00:00:38.159 --> 00:00:45.039
And uh so sitting with, as always, the expert, the ninja of parenting, as they they call her.
00:00:46.399 --> 00:00:50.960
So what are we what are we discussing today, Miss Mackenzie?
00:00:51.200 --> 00:01:06.480
I think um I think I'd like to discuss where the three most important points when you're as a parent, you know, how can you um what do you have to do in any kind of uh situation where you have to interact and correct your child?
00:01:06.560 --> 00:01:08.640
What's what's the three most important steps?
00:01:08.879 --> 00:01:14.879
So are these steps of like everybody can apply to every single situation all the time?
00:01:14.959 --> 00:01:20.959
Or is there like these are like a good base for how you should think about using these parenting tools?
00:01:21.280 --> 00:01:29.040
I think no, it's it's definitely if you do that every time before you actually do an interaction, I think you can eliminate a lot of trouble.
00:01:29.200 --> 00:01:29.439
Yeah.
00:01:29.680 --> 00:01:29.920
Okay.
00:01:30.079 --> 00:01:33.040
So it should be every time, no matter what.
00:01:33.280 --> 00:01:37.680
But you also have this very uh very interesting looking guys.
00:01:37.760 --> 00:01:39.200
This is early days of the podcast.
00:01:39.280 --> 00:01:40.560
Okay, we're also coming up.
00:01:40.719 --> 00:01:46.239
We are coming up with a product that we can give you guys, we can sell you guys if you don't want to, you can always just listen to the podcast.
00:01:46.319 --> 00:01:47.439
Everything here is free.
00:01:47.680 --> 00:01:54.640
But this is a what I asked, I asked last week that you put together all the you know the points so we can easily come up with and like we're getting there.
00:01:54.799 --> 00:01:55.359
I've worked on it.
00:01:55.439 --> 00:01:56.000
I've worked on it.
00:01:56.159 --> 00:01:56.719
We're getting there.
00:01:56.799 --> 00:01:58.319
I'm trying to make it simple, you know.
00:01:58.400 --> 00:02:01.519
But parenting, as you know, as a parent is not simple.
00:02:01.760 --> 00:02:07.040
So, but I try to break it down in a way where you can actually follow it and have a little bit of a guideline.
00:02:07.120 --> 00:02:08.080
What should I do when?
00:02:08.319 --> 00:02:08.960
So, can I ask?
00:02:09.120 --> 00:02:12.960
Did you draw those lines in between the absolutely you hand drew them, right?
00:02:13.520 --> 00:02:16.560
So for everyone who's listening on audio, sorry you're not gonna see this.
00:02:16.639 --> 00:02:22.719
I'll describe it to you, but for video look viewers, mom has made the boxes and it's a drag and drop thing, I'm sure it is.
00:02:22.800 --> 00:02:28.319
And then she's just drawn the lines in between her uh because I couldn't do the lines were too complicated.
00:02:28.400 --> 00:02:30.000
You had those those, you know.
00:02:30.080 --> 00:02:34.479
I mean, it was just like I was first trying with uh with AI.
00:02:34.719 --> 00:02:39.439
It was like he wouldn't do what I wanted to do, and he didn't move those boxes where they needed to be.
00:02:39.599 --> 00:02:45.759
So after an hour of trying, I said, no, no way I'm gonna do it like on the computer myself, you know.
00:02:45.919 --> 00:02:50.479
Yeah, back and drop, improvise, adapt, survive.
00:02:51.280 --> 00:02:52.719
But it's it's a working process.
00:02:52.879 --> 00:02:53.280
Yeah, of course.
00:02:53.360 --> 00:02:59.360
And it's all the stuff is like it's like we're gonna make it better and we're gonna get so so that's exactly where these ideas come from, these three different ideas.
00:02:59.599 --> 00:03:06.319
Like you went through, set up basically uh an idea tree, let's call it, and a process tree.
00:03:06.400 --> 00:03:12.319
Yeah, and from there you pick the three, like how to then like it's like the three come before that even comes into play.
00:03:12.560 --> 00:03:13.120
Oh, it's before this.
00:03:13.280 --> 00:03:15.199
Yeah, as the three most important steps.
00:03:15.280 --> 00:03:31.439
Some of them are repeated in there, but actually before you even do anything, you know, you should like uh do the three most important steps, which which are are assess the situation, to choose the appropriate action, and then put the consequence in place and follow through.
00:03:31.680 --> 00:03:34.240
So wait, step one is assess the situation.
00:03:34.719 --> 00:03:36.000
It sounds very military.
00:03:37.759 --> 00:03:40.560
Well, it's it's it's it's check your surroundings.
00:03:40.960 --> 00:03:46.639
It's kind of kind of yeah, because if you just jump in, you know, most likely you're already caught somewhere.
00:03:47.039 --> 00:03:49.439
There's a terrorist waiting behind the door who's gonna jump you.
00:03:49.840 --> 00:03:51.599
You assess the situation, you know.
00:03:51.680 --> 00:03:53.840
What do you first of all analyze?
00:03:54.319 --> 00:03:55.520
You know, don't judge.
00:03:55.680 --> 00:04:01.120
It's not immediately go to judgment, he did something wrong or she did something wrong, therefore I have to intervene.
00:04:01.280 --> 00:04:03.120
It's like first analyze.
00:04:03.280 --> 00:04:05.360
You know, what's the child doing?
00:04:05.520 --> 00:04:05.919
First of all.
00:04:06.319 --> 00:04:11.280
Is that your is that your third person perspective camera view that you talked about before?
00:04:11.599 --> 00:04:15.520
Yeah, kind of, with a little distance, you know, because you analyze the situation.
00:04:15.680 --> 00:04:16.800
Where is the child at?
00:04:16.959 --> 00:04:18.639
What's the intention of the child?
00:04:18.800 --> 00:04:20.480
Can you see a game behind the child?
00:04:20.639 --> 00:04:22.079
He wants to pull you in somehow.
00:04:22.160 --> 00:04:24.160
You know, can you can you figure that one out?
00:04:24.399 --> 00:04:26.560
And then that's part of the analysis.
00:04:26.639 --> 00:04:29.680
The other part is where am I as a parent?
00:04:29.839 --> 00:04:31.439
You know, am I already engaged?
00:04:31.600 --> 00:04:49.120
Am I angry and about to come down on my child, or am I still calm and um can I do uh can I hold my child accountable without kind of uh being the judge, the police, uh, you know, uh and and um put him to jail right away?
00:04:49.199 --> 00:04:50.399
I mean, can I do that?
00:04:50.879 --> 00:04:56.240
No, so that's that's the assessment, you know, where I'm at, where's my child?
00:04:56.319 --> 00:04:58.560
What he's actually what actually he did he do?
00:04:58.720 --> 00:05:00.079
Are there other people involved?
00:05:00.240 --> 00:05:02.720
Just calmly assess, okay.
00:05:03.040 --> 00:05:09.199
Now, if you assess and you see, well, I'm completely engaged, I'm so pissed off, he can't breathe, right?
00:05:09.360 --> 00:05:11.839
So then your interaction is what?
00:05:13.279 --> 00:05:13.920
War.
00:05:15.120 --> 00:05:16.720
Yeah, so nothing.
00:05:16.959 --> 00:05:18.399
Avoid war, okay?
00:05:18.720 --> 00:05:20.079
Okay, fine.
00:05:21.279 --> 00:05:27.920
Breathe, move away, see if maybe your husband is around or your you whoever isn't was that wasn't in charge of it.
00:05:28.560 --> 00:05:29.120
Go fight him.
00:05:29.360 --> 00:05:33.519
Yeah, yeah, go fight him, see if he can take over because he's not engaged.
00:05:34.480 --> 00:05:38.000
I need a breather, or even say to your kids, hey, I need the breather.
00:05:38.160 --> 00:05:40.000
Just a second, you know, I need to breathe.
00:05:40.240 --> 00:05:42.800
I I bet like not a lot of parents do that to your child.
00:05:42.879 --> 00:05:44.959
And if you do that, like, hey, I just need a breather.
00:05:45.040 --> 00:05:47.920
I can imagine just like Yeah, because the child is what?
00:05:48.639 --> 00:05:50.240
It's already that is why you're gonna be able to do it.
00:05:53.120 --> 00:05:54.800
Just do whatever it takes, you know.
00:05:55.120 --> 00:06:02.000
The first step is assess the situation externally, see what the hell's going on, see if there's games that they're playing that they obviously get you at all the time.
00:06:02.319 --> 00:06:04.319
Do they want to how do they want you engage?
00:06:04.399 --> 00:06:06.240
You know, I mean, is it a good game?
00:06:06.319 --> 00:06:07.519
Can you see behind it maybe?
00:06:07.600 --> 00:06:08.560
That would be great, you know.
00:06:08.720 --> 00:06:09.600
Can you find the game?
00:06:09.839 --> 00:06:11.920
And then second is self-assessment.
00:06:12.240 --> 00:06:14.639
So it's looking at okay, how am I right now?
00:06:14.800 --> 00:06:16.959
Am I about to go do and do the same things?
00:06:17.120 --> 00:06:18.000
Am I anxious?
00:06:18.160 --> 00:06:19.759
Am I super like in it?
00:06:20.079 --> 00:06:22.560
Am I about to you know, rip this teddy bear's head off?
00:06:22.639 --> 00:06:24.319
Like, you know, like where am I at right now?
00:06:24.639 --> 00:06:24.959
Exactly.
00:06:25.199 --> 00:06:25.439
Okay.
00:06:25.680 --> 00:06:26.560
That's the first step.
00:06:26.720 --> 00:06:29.199
According to that, then you go to the second step.
00:06:29.759 --> 00:06:31.839
And the second step is choose the action.
00:06:32.720 --> 00:06:34.720
No, that's the second step is assess.
00:06:34.879 --> 00:06:37.439
So assess the assessment becomes external and internal.
00:06:37.680 --> 00:06:38.240
That's the first step.
00:06:38.560 --> 00:06:40.720
External assessment, internal assessment, that's step one.
00:06:40.959 --> 00:06:41.360
Step one.
00:06:41.519 --> 00:06:41.680
Okay.
00:06:41.839 --> 00:06:43.759
Step two, choose your action.
00:06:44.160 --> 00:06:44.399
Okay.
00:06:45.360 --> 00:06:45.680
Okay.
00:06:45.920 --> 00:06:46.720
Okay, you choose.
00:06:46.959 --> 00:06:51.519
You you have basically you have three uh actions available to you.
00:06:52.079 --> 00:06:54.879
The three consequences you can you can you can do.
00:06:54.959 --> 00:06:59.680
You know, the first one is like um that will be the best, a natural consequence.
00:07:00.079 --> 00:07:09.360
You know, um, again, here an example is if it's cold outside and your child doesn't want to put his hat on, you know, can you can say freeze?
00:07:10.160 --> 00:07:14.959
You could say to him, hey, you go out, you know, if you're cold, come back in and you can have the hat.
00:07:15.040 --> 00:07:15.680
It's no fight.
00:07:15.759 --> 00:07:23.120
You take the fight out, it's a natural consequence, it's not gonna hurt him, and he's gonna come back in because there's no fight if he's cold.
00:07:23.519 --> 00:07:25.199
Or I mean or he's gonna freeze.
00:07:25.360 --> 00:07:30.959
Yeah, I was gonna say, like, my my brother and I used to go outside and our hats would fall off, and we'd come back and get sick, and then it's your problem.
00:07:31.839 --> 00:07:42.079
But like you can't put a natural consequence in place when you're um crossing a street and you're not just gonna let him walk because the natural consequences will be terrible.
00:07:42.240 --> 00:07:44.720
So of course, there it won't work, okay?
00:07:44.800 --> 00:07:49.120
There, choose your natural consequences where they're where you can because they're the best.
00:07:49.360 --> 00:07:54.240
So, a natural consequence to go back to that is like a consequence that will happen because of their actions.
00:07:54.480 --> 00:07:58.560
So it is something like I don't want to go outside with my shoes on, but okay, you can go outside without shoes on.
00:07:58.720 --> 00:08:03.040
The pavement is really hot, and you're gonna find out that the pavement is very hot, and then you're gonna want to come back and put your shoes on.
00:08:03.199 --> 00:08:04.000
Yeah, yeah, go try.
00:08:04.160 --> 00:08:06.000
See if you can do it, if you do it, great, you know.
00:08:06.160 --> 00:08:08.959
But most likely they come back, and then you have to be okay with that too.
00:08:09.120 --> 00:08:22.079
But it's it's like you take yourself out of what's gonna happen because the the whatever happened after the what the child is doing, you know, he can then pick, and he's gonna pick smart because he took the fight, you took the fight out of it.
00:08:22.399 --> 00:08:22.560
Okay.
00:08:22.800 --> 00:08:25.040
The natural consequences are the best by far.
00:08:25.360 --> 00:08:30.000
Obviously, do this with like, you know, like within rules, like the the rule of crossing the road.
00:08:30.319 --> 00:08:33.200
If they're gonna don't let them do dangerous things, no, no, no, no.
00:08:33.279 --> 00:08:39.120
Only where it works, you know, don't let them climb 20 meters up a uh a ladder if they could fall down.
00:08:39.279 --> 00:08:42.559
That wouldn't be, you know, a natural consequence that I would uh recommend.
00:08:42.960 --> 00:08:44.159
Yeah, that would be a hard one.
00:08:44.399 --> 00:08:46.000
Okay, so natural consequences are one.
00:08:46.159 --> 00:08:50.799
Yeah, the second best is consequences made up in advance.
00:08:51.039 --> 00:09:04.480
So basically, um those are consequences where you sit with your child and you look at the behavior that didn't work, and you pick a consequence for that behavior in the future.
00:09:04.879 --> 00:09:08.320
So let me give you an example, it's easiest that way.
00:09:08.399 --> 00:09:14.240
Like, let's say your three-year-old um picks on your dog and he just thinks it's very funny.
00:09:14.399 --> 00:09:18.480
The dog is an older one, you know, um he's good with the child, but you know, you never know.
00:09:18.559 --> 00:09:22.799
You don't want him to pull on his uh tail or don't do that to my dog.
00:09:24.720 --> 00:09:33.360
So basically, you're all you already taught him like a behavior that worked, you know, already practiced like be gentle with the dog, uh, you know, pet him nicely.
00:09:33.440 --> 00:09:39.200
So he already did that, and somehow it worked for a while, but now all of a sudden, three years old, he doesn't want to do it.
00:09:39.279 --> 00:09:43.279
He pulls his tail, he's trying to sit on him, you know, just inappropriate.
00:09:43.519 --> 00:09:52.080
So, here what I would do if that happens, I would actually say, right there and then if I can do it without judgment, hey, let's let's sit down, let's look at this.
00:09:52.159 --> 00:09:54.799
Okay, the behavior with the dog doesn't work, you know.
00:09:54.879 --> 00:10:01.759
You can be very gentle with him, and you're doing a great job when you do that, but when you are rough with them, we have to have a consequence for that.
00:10:02.000 --> 00:10:11.200
So, what kind of consequence can we come up together so that instead of being rough with him, you know, you you're being very gentle.
00:10:11.360 --> 00:10:14.320
What do we have to do to stop you from being rough, basically?
00:10:14.799 --> 00:10:17.360
What would what would you uh uh make you stop?
00:10:17.919 --> 00:10:19.279
What consequence would that be?
00:10:19.440 --> 00:10:25.600
He's three years old, he doesn't know much, so I'd probably have to pick, but I include him just in case he has, you know, if he has a good consequence.
00:10:27.039 --> 00:10:28.879
And if he has a good consequence, I use it.
00:10:28.960 --> 00:10:36.799
Yeah, it's always best if I use theirs because you know, I mean if he says uh I could have no dinner anymore ever, then that's not a good consequence.
00:10:37.759 --> 00:10:40.080
Nobody that's that's gonna get me in jail.
00:10:41.039 --> 00:10:53.759
So you're not gonna pick that one, but you can you can say, okay, if you do that, maybe you have to uh lose your favorite teddy bear for half an hour.
00:10:54.000 --> 00:10:54.240
Okay.
00:10:54.639 --> 00:10:57.440
Or some something that you know is dear to the child.
00:10:57.600 --> 00:10:57.919
Yeah.
00:10:58.159 --> 00:11:01.519
And then and then you say, okay, can we agree on that?
00:11:01.759 --> 00:11:05.200
And then he says, Yes, we agree, and say, Okay, let's shake it.
00:11:05.440 --> 00:11:06.000
Agreed on.
00:11:06.080 --> 00:11:11.919
So next time you're playing rough with the dog, your teddy bear goes into timeout for half an hour.
00:11:12.159 --> 00:11:18.080
So now next time he's playing rough, I I I look at him and say, Oops, playing rough.
00:11:18.159 --> 00:11:19.679
Remember the consequence we agreed on?
00:11:19.840 --> 00:11:22.320
Your teddy bear is going in timeout now for half an hour.
00:11:22.480 --> 00:11:22.720
Yeah.
00:11:22.960 --> 00:11:27.759
Now, if that works, and he's oh I forgot, I want to no negotiation, nothing.
00:11:28.159 --> 00:11:28.799
Look, we agreed on.
00:11:28.879 --> 00:11:30.159
You know, it's just it's just what we're gonna have to do.
00:11:30.320 --> 00:11:31.120
This is still step two.
00:11:31.279 --> 00:11:32.720
This is how that that whole I go through.
00:11:33.120 --> 00:11:38.080
That's just I I just explain what a consequence agreed up on in advance is.
00:11:38.320 --> 00:11:39.120
That's still step two.
00:11:39.279 --> 00:11:45.759
Yeah, you can still either either pick the natural one, the g agreed up on it uh in advance, that's number two.
00:11:46.080 --> 00:11:48.639
And um but let me continue here.
00:11:48.879 --> 00:11:55.919
In case it doesn't work and he still um plays her off with the dog, then I have to sit down again because what do I know then?
00:11:56.960 --> 00:11:59.279
You know that the consequence wasn't strong enough.
00:11:59.440 --> 00:12:01.039
Uh so having good at this.
00:12:01.360 --> 00:12:01.679
Yeah.
00:12:02.240 --> 00:12:04.000
So I have to pick something that works better.
00:12:04.480 --> 00:12:06.480
Sometimes it's you know, you try and it doesn't work.
00:12:06.559 --> 00:12:09.360
You try something else, it doesn't work, and maybe the third one works.
00:12:09.679 --> 00:12:14.080
But that's uh consequent consequence agreed up in advance.
00:12:14.159 --> 00:12:16.320
That's number two, the second best.
00:12:16.960 --> 00:12:20.639
And like the worst is a consequence on the spot.
00:12:20.879 --> 00:12:21.679
That's bushwhack them.
00:12:21.759 --> 00:12:28.639
That's just if you do something that is so bad that you say, like, no, there's an immediate consequence for this without discussing it, or like what's not even so bad.
00:12:28.720 --> 00:12:31.360
It's just you kind of at a loss.
00:12:32.000 --> 00:12:33.039
It's the worst one.
00:12:33.679 --> 00:12:37.360
Yeah, no, it's like it's a it's the one you but sometimes you just have to, you know.
00:12:37.679 --> 00:12:38.799
You have an example.
00:12:39.039 --> 00:12:41.919
Um what about the movie theater?
00:12:42.000 --> 00:12:44.639
You like that example where you lost us for a few months?
00:12:44.960 --> 00:12:48.799
There, you should well, no, that would have no because that would have been the consequence in the advance.
00:12:48.879 --> 00:12:51.360
I would have had because it that was my fault.
00:12:51.519 --> 00:13:04.559
Because the the consequence So just a little context, we went out to the movie theater, mom asked us to do something, we said one more chance, and then she gave us one more chance, and then for the next few months, that was all we would say is one more chance, one more chance, and it completely broke everything that she was working on.
00:13:04.720 --> 00:13:06.320
Completely so the trust was gone.
00:13:06.559 --> 00:13:12.639
So, my question was could was that a situation where you should have just implemented a consequence, but you already had it pre-established.
00:13:13.039 --> 00:13:15.919
I did, because we always remember we always did before we went somewhere.
00:13:16.240 --> 00:13:17.360
We established what's gonna be.
00:13:20.399 --> 00:13:22.159
Yeah, that's a super good one, by the way.
00:13:22.240 --> 00:13:30.639
That's like, hey guys, we're going outside, these are the rules, and if you don't behave, we're gonna turn around and like or or pick another consequence, you know.
00:13:31.200 --> 00:13:35.840
That was my consequence, and it was a bad one because you have to pick consequences that work for you.
00:13:36.000 --> 00:13:41.759
Yeah, you know, I mean, it's like if you if you go somewhere and you really want to see the movie, don't pick the consequence, you're gonna go back home.
00:13:42.080 --> 00:13:43.360
Right, it's gonna mess up the movie for you.
00:13:43.440 --> 00:13:43.919
It's like okay.
00:13:44.159 --> 00:13:45.279
So you do you pick something else.
00:13:45.519 --> 00:13:47.840
So, what would you what what is an example of that then?
00:13:48.159 --> 00:14:00.879
What do you mean of the of the last one of the of the consequence of the consequence where you just initiate it without any pre-discussion, without anything like that, you're just overwhelmed, and so you implement a consequence.
00:14:01.039 --> 00:14:01.759
Is this the third?
00:14:02.399 --> 00:14:03.519
That's that's the third one.
00:14:03.679 --> 00:14:15.600
Yeah, it's it's it's like most of the if you can do it without being engaged, you know, it's like let's say the kid throws the food on the floor and you don't really have a pre-established consequence for that.
00:14:15.759 --> 00:14:29.440
It would be good to put one in place, but maybe you just like you don't want to do no right now, and then so you maybe take him out of his seat, you you you look into his face and say, Look, you're uh you're you're uh throwing the food on the floor, it does not work.
00:14:29.519 --> 00:14:33.200
Okay, I see the game, you're just trying to engage me, but it's not gonna work.
00:14:33.360 --> 00:14:35.840
You have to sit in time out, and then we try again.
00:14:36.000 --> 00:14:41.679
Okay, and that's that would be that would be still not engaged, but borderline engaged.
00:14:41.840 --> 00:14:42.000
Right.
00:14:42.399 --> 00:14:43.440
No, I okay.
00:14:43.600 --> 00:14:53.600
At that point, I think even if you do all the nice like looking in the eyes and everything, if you are at that point where you're grabbing the kids straight out, you haven't discussed anything, you're engaged.
00:14:54.320 --> 00:14:55.279
It's better if you're not.
00:14:55.360 --> 00:14:55.759
It's it's okay.
00:14:56.080 --> 00:14:58.399
Of course, but it's it's okay if you are a little bit, right?
00:14:58.480 --> 00:15:04.879
You but you don't let it like get you to a point where you're just like you're you're like losing your shit.
00:15:05.039 --> 00:15:08.879
But if they start throwing stuff around, it's okay to be a little bit like that's enough.
00:15:09.039 --> 00:15:09.919
Come here, sit down.
00:15:10.159 --> 00:15:10.720
That doesn't work.
00:15:11.039 --> 00:15:14.720
The thing is they're so smart, you know, they know when you're engaged, so they got you.
00:15:15.039 --> 00:15:16.159
So you don't want to show them at all.
00:15:17.039 --> 00:15:18.080
Show no fear.
00:15:18.720 --> 00:15:21.919
You can do it where you're not engaged, they actually didn't get you.
00:15:22.159 --> 00:15:23.679
And then it doesn't become a game.
00:15:23.840 --> 00:15:27.279
Anytime they can actually get you engaged, and they they they're very smart.
00:15:27.440 --> 00:15:29.679
They see right away, I got you or not.
00:15:29.840 --> 00:15:34.000
And if they get you, it becomes like something that they maybe repeat because it worked.
00:15:34.399 --> 00:15:34.639
Okay.
00:15:34.799 --> 00:15:39.519
So you want to be not engaged, preferably, or if you're engaged, don't do anything.
00:15:39.759 --> 00:15:52.960
Wait until you're not engaged, and then do something, you know, because it is you want to not becoming that the thing that a kid learns what works, what doesn't work, and everything when he wants to engage you and it works, that becomes something that that worked.
00:15:53.120 --> 00:15:53.919
I can use it again.
00:15:54.159 --> 00:15:57.919
So the food example, it's a real one because I did this with my with my nephew.
00:15:58.000 --> 00:16:05.600
He threw a piece of chicken at me and like threw it at me from his high chair, and I snapped him up and I put him in timeout, and like I was engaged there.
00:16:05.759 --> 00:16:08.000
I was like, hell no, you're not throwing food at me.
00:16:08.159 --> 00:16:09.039
Like, you're two.
00:16:09.120 --> 00:16:09.840
That's not happening.
00:16:10.000 --> 00:16:11.919
And I put him in timeout, and he was so shocked.
00:16:12.000 --> 00:16:14.799
I was like, you sit there and I will let you know when you can get back up.
00:16:14.879 --> 00:16:19.519
And his parents were in the room, but like, yeah, you don't throw food at people, that's ridiculous.
00:16:19.840 --> 00:16:22.799
There, I still lost there because I was engaged.
00:16:22.960 --> 00:16:30.639
Yeah, you were engaged, plus, it wasn't your child, plus if your kid throws chicken at me, like I'd give him some gloves next time.
00:16:30.799 --> 00:16:31.759
Like, let's go, little man.
00:16:31.919 --> 00:16:32.879
Like, come on.
00:16:34.320 --> 00:16:39.519
Yeah, but there would be a good thing, that would be a good thing to discuss with that child at some point.
00:16:39.600 --> 00:16:40.799
The parents have to do it, not us.
00:16:40.960 --> 00:16:46.159
You know, for for for outsiders, it's always easier to discipline a child because it's not their child, you know.
00:16:46.240 --> 00:16:50.639
It's easy for me to go in and be like boom, boom, boom, because you know, I can do that.
00:16:50.799 --> 00:16:53.840
Where the parents they have a a relationship since birth.
00:16:54.080 --> 00:16:54.559
Gotcha.
00:16:54.720 --> 00:16:55.919
And it's a little bit tougher.
00:16:56.080 --> 00:17:01.039
So okay, so those are good examples of like that's the like the third one is still a consequence you can do.
00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:03.600
You don't want to get there, but it's better than doing nothing.
00:17:03.840 --> 00:17:05.200
Okay, it's better than doing nothing.
00:17:05.359 --> 00:17:13.200
Yeah, and then the third step is actually um you have to actually put your choice in action.
00:17:13.279 --> 00:17:16.720
So now it's like second one, you you picked, you picked the consequence you want to do.
00:17:17.039 --> 00:17:19.119
Okay, so let's just do a little recap real fast.
00:17:19.200 --> 00:17:23.759
So the first one has actually two steps to it, which is assess yourself and assess the situation.
00:17:23.920 --> 00:17:25.279
Those are the first two steps of step one.
00:17:26.000 --> 00:17:26.400
Assessment, yes.
00:17:26.480 --> 00:17:26.880
Yes, yeah.
00:17:27.039 --> 00:17:27.279
General.
00:17:27.599 --> 00:17:30.880
So just look around, check out what's going on, how's the kid doing?
00:17:30.960 --> 00:17:31.680
How are you doing?
00:17:31.759 --> 00:17:32.400
What is going on?
00:17:32.480 --> 00:17:33.920
Are they doing something that's the game?
00:17:34.000 --> 00:17:34.559
What's the game?
00:17:34.880 --> 00:17:36.000
Can that can I see the game?
00:17:36.079 --> 00:17:36.960
That's always a good idea.
00:17:37.359 --> 00:17:41.119
Step one is what's the game, or is it it's no, it's it's the assessment.
00:17:41.200 --> 00:17:43.440
It's just uh I want to do three simple steps.
00:17:43.519 --> 00:17:47.839
It's it's assess, yeah, choose the consequence, yeah, follow through.
00:17:48.160 --> 00:17:51.279
So it should be the game, consequence, follow through.
00:17:51.440 --> 00:17:55.839
Or do you want to keep it as like I wanna because it's not just a game.
00:17:56.160 --> 00:17:59.359
It feels very army.
00:18:00.240 --> 00:18:04.400
It's like because it's more than just you have to assess the child and yourself.
00:18:04.640 --> 00:18:04.799
Right.
00:18:04.960 --> 00:18:06.079
Yourself is very important.
00:18:06.160 --> 00:18:06.799
Where are you at?
00:18:06.880 --> 00:18:10.880
Because if you're completely engaged, then no matter what you're gonna do, he's gonna win.
00:18:11.039 --> 00:18:16.799
But then you're like the reason I'm arguing for what's the game is because it's always a game.
00:18:17.039 --> 00:18:19.519
It's always them trying to get you to do something, you know.
00:18:20.000 --> 00:18:25.039
They don't see it as a game, and they're not unnecessarily it's if you do, because you're the one analyzing.
00:18:25.200 --> 00:18:28.160
If you go, okay, you sit back, you go, okay, what is the game?
00:18:28.240 --> 00:18:30.960
Yeah, they're trying to get me mad because he's throwing food at me.
00:18:31.119 --> 00:18:32.079
Yeah, how do I feel?
00:18:32.240 --> 00:18:35.119
Pissed off because I don't like chicken being thrown at me.
00:18:35.279 --> 00:18:35.440
Yeah.
00:18:35.680 --> 00:18:37.599
So what's the mood?
00:18:37.839 --> 00:18:42.799
First of all, I could be like, look, the natural consequence is like you're gonna have less chicken because of that.
00:18:42.960 --> 00:18:43.759
Not strong enough.
00:18:43.920 --> 00:18:48.160
The second one would be okay, I'm going to make a consequence, just like, hey, you don't throw chicken at me.
00:18:48.240 --> 00:18:49.440
What's a consequence that we can do?
00:18:49.519 --> 00:18:52.079
And he's gonna be like, I'm gonna uh throw more chicken at you.
00:18:52.319 --> 00:18:58.799
Like, no, actually, you're gonna go into that room, you're gonna sit by yourself and time out for two minutes, and that's what's gonna happen if you throw another piece of chicken at me.
00:18:58.960 --> 00:19:01.039
And so that would be number two.
00:19:01.279 --> 00:19:01.759
I would be good.
00:19:01.839 --> 00:19:01.920
Yeah.
00:19:02.079 --> 00:19:05.119
Or number three, we've had three pieces of chicken thrown at you and you're done.
00:19:05.200 --> 00:19:10.000
So you grab them and you put them in timeout and you explain them what's happening and you leave them there, which is where you lose.
00:19:10.079 --> 00:19:15.200
Yeah, but that's kind of like just like as a as like a as like a package of like where we are so far.
00:19:15.599 --> 00:19:20.079
You cannot always do like a consequence up in advance or a natural consequence.
00:19:20.240 --> 00:19:21.920
So sometimes you have to go to the immediate.
00:19:22.319 --> 00:19:24.960
I'm just I'm just giving like a package of like how we look so far.
00:19:25.039 --> 00:19:30.160
So we have the assessment, then we have the consequence, and now we have now we have to follow through.
00:19:30.240 --> 00:19:32.640
You actually we have actually have to put it in action.
00:19:32.799 --> 00:19:37.759
You know, whatever we decide to do, now comes a time where we have to put it in action.
00:19:38.319 --> 00:19:40.880
And there again, you have to do it.
00:19:41.039 --> 00:19:48.000
First of all, you have to be very clear, you have to get the child's attention, don't uh talk at them, you know.
00:19:48.160 --> 00:19:52.880
Uh talk that sorry, don't don't, yeah, not just like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:19:52.960 --> 00:19:57.039
It's like get his attention, look into his eyes and say, hey, hello, I'm here.
00:19:57.680 --> 00:19:58.240
How you doing?
00:19:58.400 --> 00:19:59.920
This is gonna suck for you.
00:20:02.480 --> 00:20:04.160
And then and then follow through.
00:20:04.319 --> 00:20:05.359
No discussion.
00:20:05.599 --> 00:20:08.319
Okay, because that's that's such a good one.
00:20:08.400 --> 00:20:10.000
So many kids are so good at that.
00:20:10.160 --> 00:20:13.920
Oh, there's like, but what if I can the negotiate the way kids learn to discuss?
00:20:16.000 --> 00:20:17.119
But I didn't mean it.
00:20:17.279 --> 00:20:18.880
I know I'm gonna be good now.
00:20:18.960 --> 00:20:22.960
No, I'm but mom, but that you know what the uh Mateo does?
00:20:23.279 --> 00:20:29.359
He does the thing and he goes, no, please, no please, no please, because he knows Micah likes to hear the word please, and I'm like, here it comes.
00:20:29.920 --> 00:20:31.039
Get ready.
00:20:31.359 --> 00:20:32.880
Yeah, they're very good at it.
00:20:32.960 --> 00:20:34.480
So that's that's a no.
00:20:34.559 --> 00:20:35.759
You don't, no discussion.
00:20:36.000 --> 00:20:36.559
No discussion.
00:20:36.799 --> 00:20:38.240
That is that the hardest part.
00:20:38.480 --> 00:20:39.279
The no discussion.
00:20:39.680 --> 00:20:40.720
No, the follow- the follow-through.
00:20:40.799 --> 00:20:41.119
Yeah, absolutely.
00:20:41.279 --> 00:20:42.240
The follow through is definitely the hardest part.
00:20:42.400 --> 00:20:47.359
Because it's because you really have to be your word, it it's here where you establish the trust with your child.
00:20:47.920 --> 00:20:49.119
It's it's so important.
00:20:49.359 --> 00:20:55.680
It's like if you have their trust that you are doing what you're saying, parenting is good gonna become so much easier.
00:20:55.839 --> 00:20:57.359
So, yeah, that's that's the hardest part.
00:20:57.680 --> 00:20:58.799
So, follow-through is just simple.
00:20:58.880 --> 00:20:59.680
Do what you say.
00:20:59.759 --> 00:21:00.640
Yeah, that is it.
00:21:00.720 --> 00:21:04.480
It is such a but it's like that is also where chaos breaks out.
00:21:04.559 --> 00:21:06.720
That is where you're gonna completely realign their thinking.
00:21:06.799 --> 00:21:17.599
That is where you're gonna completely destroy any image they've had of how the games work that don't work for you, that's where you're gonna find the thing that is gonna absolutely break the reality.
00:21:17.680 --> 00:21:19.599
And that's usually where they're gonna have tantrums and things like this.
00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:47.279
Yeah, and it's also it could be very much happening that, you know, let's say your your consequence is they've they lose the teddy for half an hour, and then it goes into like you know, throwing a fit and then you know, and then uh kicking the door, and but you can't then escalate and say, so now you don't lose that, and now it's always this, and this happens to you stay with that one thing, and you only um correct that one thing and follow through with that one thing.
00:21:47.519 --> 00:21:52.799
You have the teddy bear for half an hour, that's just what it is, and you let the rest slide.
00:21:53.279 --> 00:21:59.759
So, with that, I I have a problem with that, with the not well, I'm I'm I know I'm not.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:00.480
The only one.
00:22:00.559 --> 00:22:12.799
I know there's gonna be other parents in here who are gonna be like, okay, I took the teddy way for 30 minutes, but now he's destroying his room, he's kicking his door, he's throwing everything around, he's screaming, he's punching, he's biting, he's not sitting in timeout.
00:22:13.759 --> 00:22:25.599
For me, I'm like, dude, okay, then all the toys go in timeout, and just tell him, like, before, like, listen, I already told you what's gonna happen there, but this whole craziness, like, if you keep this up, then all the toys are gonna go.
00:22:25.759 --> 00:22:28.400
And then after that, if you want to keep it up, then the door will go.
00:22:28.480 --> 00:22:31.599
And then if you want to keep it up, then we're gonna take the bed, and you can just have the mattress.
00:22:31.680 --> 00:22:36.160
Like it, like, you know, like, and then I'll be like, I'll see how far you want to go, but I'm going to take this stuff.
00:22:36.240 --> 00:22:38.480
Like, because I'm I'm I I think I'm different like that.
00:22:38.559 --> 00:22:39.200
I'll actually do it.
00:22:39.279 --> 00:22:40.559
You know, like I'll actually take your stuff.
00:22:40.640 --> 00:22:43.119
I don't pretend that I'll be like, no, no, no, you really don't need toys.
00:22:43.279 --> 00:22:44.400
I also don't have kids, guys.
00:22:44.480 --> 00:22:49.920
So like I'm I'm talking from like a but can you feel it just by talking how we get more and more engaged?
00:22:50.160 --> 00:22:52.720
Not engaged, but I'm just like, yeah, okay.
00:22:53.200 --> 00:22:58.799
Maybe I am engaged, but I'm also like, I I I don't see how letting them run wild.
00:22:59.279 --> 00:23:00.400
You don't let them run wild.
00:23:00.480 --> 00:23:01.359
I wouldn't let them run wild.
00:23:01.440 --> 00:23:01.680
You know what I mean?
00:23:01.839 --> 00:23:03.519
Okay, but that's that's where we're teddy.
00:23:04.319 --> 00:23:05.200
That's where we're getting to.
00:23:05.359 --> 00:23:08.960
Most people who have never done this before will have a child that runs wild, and that's the difficult part.
00:23:09.039 --> 00:23:09.279
Yeah.
00:23:09.440 --> 00:23:18.000
So the follow-through, I think we need to put like an asterisk on it or something that says, like, if it's if he goes crazy, then do a timeout.
00:23:18.640 --> 00:23:19.680
They don't do the timeout.
00:23:19.839 --> 00:23:20.960
Well, then you sit with them.
00:23:21.279 --> 00:23:22.319
Then that's it.
00:23:22.480 --> 00:23:25.200
You let them go crazy in timeout while you sit at him.
00:23:25.440 --> 00:23:26.799
I always look at the super nanny part.
00:23:26.880 --> 00:23:26.960
Yeah.
00:23:27.039 --> 00:23:27.200
Right.
00:23:27.279 --> 00:23:33.680
And the super nanny, like they say they're gonna sit in timeout, but the kid constantly leaves, so you gotta put them back in timeout and back in timeout and back.
00:23:33.759 --> 00:23:35.519
And like that's escalation.
00:23:35.599 --> 00:23:35.839
Yeah.
00:23:36.000 --> 00:23:43.119
That's you escalating and matching their energy to show them like doesn't matter where you think you're going, it's going to suck more for you if you keep this up.
00:23:43.359 --> 00:23:43.440
Yeah.
00:23:44.000 --> 00:23:44.559
Is that wrong?
00:23:44.799 --> 00:23:59.839
Uh I I think the way I do it, when that really becomes an issue, then I would sit behind the child and just hold him without talking, without anything, he's trying to whatever, you know, and just let him go through until he's ready to sit.
00:24:00.079 --> 00:24:04.400
Even that, like, that induces biting, that induces spitting, like all that stuff.
00:24:04.720 --> 00:24:08.640
Like, I don't I don't want them to do that because that's gonna that's gonna get me really riled up, you know.
00:24:08.720 --> 00:24:12.319
Like if you're biting me and you're spitting on me, I'm like, whoa, hang on.
00:24:12.480 --> 00:24:17.039
But like if I just say to you, like, the teddy's gone, and then they have their absolute freak out.
00:24:17.279 --> 00:24:20.079
I'm like, okay, you like now we're gonna sit in timeout because you can't do this.
00:24:20.160 --> 00:24:22.400
And they don't sit in timeouts, like, cool, you don't have to sit there.
00:24:22.480 --> 00:24:30.160
But I'm telling you, if you don't sit there, then the teddy goes, then the snake goes, and the parrot goes, and you know, then as long as you get every time you get up, I take one.
00:24:30.240 --> 00:24:32.160
And then like, we'll see when you get them back.
00:24:32.240 --> 00:24:33.279
But like, you know what I mean?
00:24:33.440 --> 00:24:38.640
Like, it's just like I I'm I'm having a trouble, like, because the the the people you can try that.
00:24:38.720 --> 00:24:46.160
I mean, uh, if if that works, is it but then at the end you have all the toys in time out, and you know, and how far you want to take it.
00:24:46.240 --> 00:24:47.279
You like having blankets?
00:24:47.440 --> 00:24:50.960
Great, you should chill out, you can get your blanket back.
00:24:51.119 --> 00:24:54.640
Like, you like I'm just saying, like it's just it's because they're gonna try.
00:24:54.880 --> 00:24:56.400
And if they get you, they will try.
00:24:56.480 --> 00:24:59.519
You know, it's like you have to be you have to be it's cool as a cucumber.
00:24:59.839 --> 00:25:03.200
You have to pick your your your consequence and you follow through with that.
00:25:03.279 --> 00:25:04.880
The teddy's gone for half an hour.
00:25:05.039 --> 00:25:06.319
Yeah, now he throws a fit.
00:25:06.400 --> 00:25:09.440
Okay, I sit with him, sit behind him, and just hold him.
00:25:09.519 --> 00:25:10.079
He's three years old.
00:25:10.160 --> 00:25:10.640
I can hold him.
00:25:10.799 --> 00:25:11.839
Okay, he's kicking and biting you.
00:25:11.920 --> 00:25:16.640
Okay, he's not I can hold him in a way where he can bite me if I have to hold his arms out of a way.
00:25:17.279 --> 00:25:20.079
And I'm just I'm not talking to him, I'm not saying stop.
00:25:20.240 --> 00:25:21.519
I don't do anything.
00:25:21.680 --> 00:25:24.960
I'm just sitting behind him, trying to be calm.
00:25:25.680 --> 00:25:26.720
Trying to be calm.
00:25:26.880 --> 00:25:27.440
Be calm.
00:25:27.680 --> 00:25:29.279
Okay, but what about for parents like me?
00:25:29.440 --> 00:25:32.319
Like, let's say that it's my three-year-old, and like he's kicking around.
00:25:32.400 --> 00:25:33.599
I'm not gonna sit there and hold him.
00:25:33.680 --> 00:25:38.960
Like, because I've seen parents who do this, and like my kid does this as well, but he becomes like a hug.
00:25:39.119 --> 00:25:43.680
And like kids want like more than anything, they want his attention, right?
00:25:43.759 --> 00:25:45.599
They love him so much they want his attention.
00:25:45.680 --> 00:25:51.039
And so he's there giving him all their attention by sitting there and hugging because that is now the default.
00:25:51.200 --> 00:25:56.559
That is like, like, you're talking about like it's like a uh a step, like, okay, this is critical.
00:25:56.640 --> 00:25:57.920
Like now we're at critical level.
00:25:58.079 --> 00:25:59.759
No, that just becomes a default for them.
00:25:59.839 --> 00:26:04.799
They know that they can get dad to come over and sit behind them and hug them for the entire period.
00:26:04.960 --> 00:26:10.079
If I just go crazy enough, and then that's the you know that doesn't feel like a consequence.
00:26:10.160 --> 00:26:15.200
That feels like I got you, I got your attention, I got your full physical capabilities, I got all of you.
00:26:15.279 --> 00:26:18.319
There's nothing else you can do than pay attention to me right now.
00:26:18.400 --> 00:26:19.839
That's my problem with that.
00:26:20.160 --> 00:26:20.880
It depends.
00:26:21.039 --> 00:26:22.960
I I think I I think you're right.
00:26:23.119 --> 00:26:26.559
If that's if if he got you and that's but that's getting you, no.
00:26:26.720 --> 00:26:30.160
Not not necessarily, no, it all depends on where where you are at.
00:26:30.240 --> 00:26:35.680
If you're sitting there and you don't let it get to you, then you then you win.
00:26:35.839 --> 00:26:37.839
It's like, how can you win that situation?
00:26:38.079 --> 00:26:51.039
Because uh mentally, sure, but physically, if we had a great example of this, when we did the when we were kids, we did this whole thing where like uh kids constantly want to talk to you if they're badly behaved while and when you're on the phone, right?
00:26:51.200 --> 00:26:56.799
Kids go as mom, mom, mom, and we had like like no, I'm on the phone, don't talk to me.
00:26:57.119 --> 00:27:04.880
But I can see that escalating and kids just going crazier and crazier until like pay attention to me, pay attention to me, pay attention to me.
00:27:04.960 --> 00:27:08.319
And the sit behind is the ultimate, like, nice, got you.
00:27:08.400 --> 00:27:09.279
Now I'm gonna spit on you.
00:27:09.359 --> 00:27:21.680
Now I'm gonna it's just I know I'm playing devil's advocate here, but I want to pull it apart a bit because like I think you can try your solution, but I think it's more you you get the more you it's an escalation on both sides.
00:27:21.759 --> 00:27:29.839
You you go further and further up on the scale of you know, you're getting more engaged, he gets more engaged, and it's not calming anybody down.
00:27:30.000 --> 00:27:35.599
If I sit behind him and just make sure he's okay, he cannot bite me, he cannot spit on me because I'm behind.
00:27:35.680 --> 00:27:36.480
It's hard to script.
00:27:38.079 --> 00:27:39.039
Like, yeah.
00:27:39.359 --> 00:27:42.480
It's it's you know, it it's I'm not hugging him.
00:27:42.720 --> 00:27:43.839
It looks like a hug.
00:27:44.240 --> 00:27:46.559
I've seen parents do this, do it without a hug.
00:27:46.960 --> 00:27:53.119
Well, then my my my only pushback here is again, like physically, you're completely stopped by this.
00:27:53.200 --> 00:27:54.799
Like this is But you are no matter what.
00:27:54.880 --> 00:27:56.400
Yeah, but that means you're engaged.
00:27:56.640 --> 00:27:59.599
It doesn't matter if you're fit if you're mentally like no, I'm still good, I'm still good.
00:27:59.680 --> 00:28:02.160
No, and you're sitting there, you're 100% engaged.
00:28:02.559 --> 00:28:05.039
Because the child knows if he gets you or not.
00:28:05.359 --> 00:28:07.119
No, he's trying, he's trying, he's trying to get it.
00:28:07.359 --> 00:28:07.920
You're sitting behind.
00:28:08.160 --> 00:28:09.440
I'm sitting behind, I'm completely.
00:28:10.559 --> 00:28:14.480
And I'm the only thing I'm saying to myself, it's not gonna work, it's not gonna work.
00:28:14.640 --> 00:28:15.440
I'm gonna be stupid.
00:28:15.680 --> 00:28:17.759
But you could say that, but it's already worked.
00:28:17.920 --> 00:28:19.680
No, it's already because you're there.
00:28:19.759 --> 00:28:20.880
You have to physically resist.
00:28:21.200 --> 00:28:22.400
Yeah, and sometimes you do.
00:28:22.640 --> 00:28:24.240
And so, okay, but that means they win.
00:28:24.480 --> 00:28:27.359
Because you're no not not if I'm not engaged.
00:28:27.440 --> 00:28:32.400
No, if if I say, Look, and then uh afterwards I can look at and say, that was a powerful thing.
00:28:32.480 --> 00:28:33.680
It's not gonna work anymore, though.
00:28:33.839 --> 00:28:34.640
You know, no big deal.
00:28:34.799 --> 00:28:37.119
And then they do it again, and then you sit behind them and they hold them.
00:28:37.279 --> 00:28:42.960
The reason I say, the reason I argue that you still like you're still engaged is because number one, you can't do anything else.
00:28:43.119 --> 00:28:44.559
You can literally not do anything else.
00:28:44.640 --> 00:28:49.039
You could not be on the phone then, you can be talking to somebody then, nothing, you could be doing nothing else then.
00:28:49.279 --> 00:28:49.599
That's true.
00:28:49.759 --> 00:28:52.720
So you are engaged with that child 1000%.
00:28:53.039 --> 00:28:56.000
They're in the center of your world because you can't do anything else.
00:28:56.240 --> 00:29:00.960
But it I mean, at the engagement I'm looking at is are you judging?
00:29:01.119 --> 00:29:02.720
Are you being the police?
00:29:02.960 --> 00:29:06.640
Are you being convicting the child of doing wrong?
00:29:06.880 --> 00:29:11.039
And that's where that engagement I'm talking about, not giving him attention.
00:29:11.119 --> 00:29:12.160
That's not what I'm talking.
00:29:12.400 --> 00:29:14.000
You you have to give your kids attention.
00:29:14.079 --> 00:29:15.279
I mean, you're a parent, you know.
00:29:15.359 --> 00:29:18.480
You it's like sometimes you can't uh be on the phone.
00:29:18.640 --> 00:29:23.200
Sometimes you have a phone call and they need your attention, and it's more important than you finish your phone call.
00:29:23.440 --> 00:29:28.640
But 99.9% of the time, it's not what that they need, like they just want your attention.
00:29:28.799 --> 00:29:29.680
Yeah, a lot of times.
00:29:29.839 --> 00:29:32.160
But I mean, I can tell you, I'm gonna give Mike an example.
00:29:32.319 --> 00:29:37.680
Every time I call with Micah, Mateo comes in and like says something, something, then wants to talk to me for a little bit.
00:29:37.759 --> 00:29:42.079
It's very cute, and then goes and makes an absolute ruckus in the background.
00:29:42.160 --> 00:29:43.359
I'm like, what the hell is happening?
00:29:43.440 --> 00:29:45.119
Are you like rebuilding your apartment?
00:29:45.200 --> 00:29:49.680
And it's just like he wants Micah's attention because I have Micah's attention right now and he can't stand it.
00:29:49.759 --> 00:30:02.160
Yeah, and so though that that's why I'm pushing back so much because the sit behind is like, I get it, but also that is if if that's the if them's the bricks, if that's the stopping point, kids will go right through it.
00:30:02.480 --> 00:30:04.559
Well, but there again, you know, okay.
00:30:04.640 --> 00:30:06.640
So there he's there.
00:30:07.200 --> 00:30:17.279
This example, you say you're on the phone with Micah, Micah, and Matteo is going for Micah's attention because Micah has you have Micah's attention right now.
00:30:17.440 --> 00:30:18.799
So what you what could you do?
00:30:18.960 --> 00:30:35.839
You could say, Micah could say, okay, let's look at this situation, let's get a consequence for that behavior, and then find the consequence and talk with Matteo and say, okay, every time I'm on the phone, no matter with whom, you know, if you make uh a racket behind, you pull the attention, this is what's gonna happen.
00:30:36.079 --> 00:30:36.319
Okay.
00:30:36.720 --> 00:30:44.160
And then when that when that's gonna happen, I said, I will hang up the phone right away, and you will do, I don't know, a cleaning assignment.
00:30:44.400 --> 00:30:46.240
Okay, so that's my question then.
00:30:46.559 --> 00:30:47.839
You hang up the phone right away.
00:30:48.480 --> 00:30:49.759
What if I don't want to hang up the phone?
00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:51.599
What if I want to talk to whoever I'm talking to?
00:30:51.680 --> 00:30:52.400
You know, I'm a dull.
00:30:52.559 --> 00:30:54.160
Like it's it's maybe you call back.
00:30:54.240 --> 00:30:54.559
I don't know.
00:30:54.960 --> 00:30:58.079
But then, like, that's that's the part where I'm like, I'm struggling with it a bit.
00:30:58.240 --> 00:31:03.039
You know, that's the part where I'm like, but then you may not be mentally, you might be, you know, Zen Buddha.
00:31:03.200 --> 00:31:03.680
Okay, fine.
00:31:03.759 --> 00:31:06.240
Like, we know Micah's got the patience of like a monk.
00:31:06.319 --> 00:31:06.880
It's crazy.
00:31:07.039 --> 00:31:08.160
Like, he's so patient.
00:31:08.400 --> 00:31:12.640
But then again, like the moment you hang up that phone, you're engaged.
00:31:12.880 --> 00:31:13.920
They have got you.
00:31:14.160 --> 00:31:15.519
No, not necessarily.
00:31:15.680 --> 00:31:17.279
You're handling the situation.
00:31:17.519 --> 00:31:23.039
You know, I mean, I talk to me aunt, then all of a sudden, like um Alexander pulls the attention.
00:31:23.200 --> 00:31:26.079
She says, Hey, I have to go quickly, I have to handle a situation.
00:31:26.160 --> 00:31:27.119
I call you up back.
00:31:27.519 --> 00:31:30.319
She goes, handles the situation, comes back.
00:31:30.400 --> 00:31:33.680
And there is no screaming in the background, there's no blah blah blah.
00:31:33.759 --> 00:31:34.559
You know, it's working.
00:31:34.960 --> 00:31:39.440
So maybe my my problem with it is that that you know, we say like you shouldn't get engaged.
00:31:39.599 --> 00:31:40.799
I I don't I don't agree.
00:31:41.039 --> 00:31:44.079
I think there is a certain level of engagement that you should you need to have.
00:31:44.480 --> 00:31:52.319
Absolutely, you need to be engaged, you shouldn't judge, you shouldn't be policing, you shouldn't, you shouldn't prosecute your child because he's wrong.
00:31:52.480 --> 00:31:58.559
He's not wrong for doing the behavior he's doing, he's just testing, he's pushing the boundaries, but he's not wrong.
00:31:58.880 --> 00:32:00.160
But the behavior is wrong.
00:32:00.400 --> 00:32:01.759
The behavior has to be corrected.
00:32:02.079 --> 00:32:03.519
You're a coach, you're a coach, okay?
00:32:03.599 --> 00:32:05.839
But it's a behavior that doesn't work, so you correct it.
00:32:06.000 --> 00:32:11.359
Sorry, as a coach, you're gonna correct wrong behavior, but the kid isn't wrong, the behavior is wrong, and so there needs to be consequences for that.
00:32:12.000 --> 00:32:15.920
But it doesn't mean you're not engaged, you are engaged with your kids really all the time.
00:32:16.160 --> 00:32:18.640
I mean, I'm maybe it's a wrong terminology.
00:32:18.880 --> 00:32:27.200
I'm trying, yeah, I just because we're we're setting up the standards now, and I want to pick it apart a little bit because being not engaged is like, no, you do have to be engaged, you have to physically be there.
00:32:27.519 --> 00:32:30.079
And and you have to also see, okay, this is important, you know.
00:32:30.160 --> 00:32:38.640
I I don't remember, uh, I don't know if you remember, but when we had the thing with the phone, you actually had to we we practice what works, you know.
00:32:38.720 --> 00:32:48.960
Yeah, so we had like we did we played like I'm on the phone, and then you have to tap me three times, and then you have to wait, and then you were on the phone, and I tapped you three times, so we practiced that in a good time.
00:32:49.039 --> 00:32:49.920
It was a game, yeah.
00:32:50.079 --> 00:32:51.440
But after that, it worked.
00:32:51.519 --> 00:33:00.480
Yeah, you guys knew how to interrupt, and I would I have to make sure that when you tap me, I don't just go blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, completely ignore you.
00:33:00.640 --> 00:33:07.680
I have I have to say, I give you just one minute, and then I would say, excuse me, my child needs my attention right now.
00:33:07.920 --> 00:33:10.640
Just a minute, address it, go play.
00:33:11.279 --> 00:33:11.759
That worked.
00:33:11.920 --> 00:33:16.480
So I mean, yeah, but like it's because you already had a good foundation, right?
00:33:16.640 --> 00:33:18.960
The people I'm arguing for are the people who don't have a foundation.
00:33:19.200 --> 00:33:20.160
Well, we're building one foundation.
00:33:20.319 --> 00:33:20.960
I know, I know, I know.
00:33:21.039 --> 00:33:22.799
And that's why that's why I'm picking it apart, right?
00:33:22.880 --> 00:33:25.119
That's why I'm like going through and playing devil's advocate here.
00:33:25.200 --> 00:33:29.440
It's like, I want to make sure that when we get through, because the follow-through is so critically hard.
00:33:29.599 --> 00:33:31.039
I've seen it with so many parents.
00:33:31.119 --> 00:33:33.680
And like when you have it pre-established, it's much easier.
00:33:33.839 --> 00:33:36.559
When you don't have it pre-established, it is a lot of work.
00:33:36.640 --> 00:33:39.440
It's so worth it because afterwards you get your life back.
00:33:39.519 --> 00:33:41.359
Yeah, but like it is tricky.
00:33:41.440 --> 00:33:46.880
And so to define the engagement part, like don't be the judge, be the coach.
00:33:47.039 --> 00:33:49.200
You say that often, but you do have to engage with them.
00:33:49.759 --> 00:33:50.160
Of course, yeah.
00:33:50.240 --> 00:33:51.359
I mean, that's it's the wrong thing.
00:33:51.440 --> 00:33:53.759
I mean, emotionally engaged where you make them wrong.
00:33:53.920 --> 00:33:54.720
Don't make them wrong.
00:33:54.799 --> 00:33:55.039
Yeah.
00:33:55.519 --> 00:33:58.319
What they're doing doesn't work, yeah, but they're not wrong.
00:33:58.400 --> 00:34:01.119
They're kids, they're trying, they're learning life, you know.
00:34:01.200 --> 00:34:01.920
I mean, coach them.
00:34:02.240 --> 00:34:03.839
So I think would you don't police them?
00:34:04.480 --> 00:34:06.319
Engage, I think is the word the wording.
00:34:06.400 --> 00:34:10.880
We need to work on the wording because it to engage with something means like you're interacting with it, right?
00:34:11.039 --> 00:34:14.880
Yeah, and so like if it if you're like the kid does something, then you have to engage.
00:34:15.199 --> 00:34:22.320
But like, of course, like you still want to have that, like they're trying to get me mentally to play their like little back and forth.
00:34:22.559 --> 00:34:29.280
And if I can stay above that, I'm gonna do much better than if I go down and I start like losing my temper because they're throwing chicken at me.
00:34:29.519 --> 00:34:33.519
Because if they're wrong, then you have the right to punish, and then it becomes a punishment.
00:34:33.679 --> 00:34:38.079
Uh punishment is always they're always gonna win because they're they're they got you completely engaged.
00:34:38.159 --> 00:34:48.000
Yeah, so you don't we you if you can avoid punishment, no matter what it is, it could also be the quiet thing, you know, we just walk away pissed off and they got you, yeah, you know, even if you don't do nothing.
00:34:48.159 --> 00:34:55.760
So that's that kind of um response or reaction I'm trying to avoid.
00:34:56.000 --> 00:34:58.239
You know, I want to respond, not react.
00:34:58.400 --> 00:34:58.719
Yeah.
00:34:59.119 --> 00:35:00.159
Does that make more sense?
00:35:00.400 --> 00:35:03.039
That yes, yes.
00:35:03.199 --> 00:35:05.280
Reactions are off the cuff.
00:35:05.360 --> 00:35:09.119
It's very like now, boom, this happens because of what you did.
00:35:09.199 --> 00:35:12.320
Yeah, and a response is we already know what's gonna happen.
00:35:12.480 --> 00:35:13.840
You just decide to go that road.
00:35:13.920 --> 00:35:17.199
And so now I have to go down this road with you and show you what happens when you go down this road.
00:35:17.679 --> 00:35:20.480
So you're a coach again, and you you you do the three things.
00:35:20.559 --> 00:35:22.000
You assess what is it?
00:35:22.159 --> 00:35:22.800
What's the game?
00:35:22.880 --> 00:35:23.840
How do you pull it?
00:35:24.000 --> 00:35:32.000
Where I'm at, you know, can I actually uh correct the behavior without completely being pissed off or you know, making them wrong?
00:35:32.159 --> 00:35:34.960
And then the second one is pick a consequence.
00:35:35.119 --> 00:35:36.000
Which one was the best?
00:35:36.079 --> 00:35:38.000
Do I have to establish one right now?
00:35:38.400 --> 00:35:40.079
And it only applies next time.
00:35:40.400 --> 00:35:45.920
Whenever I do the consequences in advance, we pick the consequence, but it only applies next time.
00:35:46.159 --> 00:35:54.559
That's also a I think it's its own video, which we have to do, which is where you know, I think parents get this wrong where they go, okay, they did a thing I don't like now.
00:35:54.639 --> 00:35:57.519
If you do this again, you're gonna get this and like this is gonna happen.
00:35:57.599 --> 00:35:59.440
Yeah, and then like blah-blah, I told you I was good.
00:36:00.880 --> 00:36:01.760
And like that's the problem.
00:36:01.840 --> 00:36:03.039
Yeah, like that, that's a whole different video.
00:36:03.280 --> 00:36:14.960
Yeah, it's but it's not like that because because you do it when it comes, but it you if you're calm in a moment where he just was like uh being mean to the dog again, you know, can say, let's sit down, let's look at this, you know.
00:36:15.119 --> 00:36:23.840
I mean, I really like when you're being really gentle with the dog, he's doing such a good job, but also what I don't like is when you're being rough, and that's not good for the dog.
00:36:23.920 --> 00:36:27.920
So let's find a consequence that applies when you're off with the dog.
00:36:28.320 --> 00:36:32.480
And then you say you agree on losing the teddy or whatever, you know, you know your child.
00:36:32.639 --> 00:36:38.960
So, but that time, the teddy that doesn't go away now because we just picked the consequence, right?
00:36:39.199 --> 00:36:41.760
And he didn't have a uh a way of picking.
00:36:41.840 --> 00:36:47.679
Yeah, so next time, and I tell him, so next time you're off house with the dog, the consequence will apply.
00:36:47.920 --> 00:36:55.280
Which could be in a lot of scenarios, right after you said it, two seconds after you said it, he whacks the dog on the butt and then you go wink.
00:36:55.679 --> 00:37:02.719
Yeah, he's gonna try and see if the consequence if if it actually holds, if the boundary is set, is it actually strong enough and does it hold?
00:37:02.960 --> 00:37:09.039
And if he has to hold, you have to be your word, and then say, Oops, that's just what we talked about.
00:37:09.199 --> 00:37:11.119
Now Teddy has to go in time out.
00:37:11.440 --> 00:37:15.679
Okay, and then you'll see, you know, and then it's oh no, no, no, no discussion.
00:37:15.760 --> 00:37:16.400
I'm sorry, honey.
00:37:16.480 --> 00:37:17.679
We just this we just talked about it.
00:37:17.920 --> 00:37:18.800
We just talked about it.
00:37:19.199 --> 00:37:20.159
So those are the three.
00:37:20.320 --> 00:37:20.800
Yeah, it's good.
00:37:21.039 --> 00:37:24.000
I think it's also like uh it's uh in the engagement thing.
00:37:24.079 --> 00:37:27.360
I think it's a bit of an old word that we were using from the parenting from before.
00:37:27.440 --> 00:37:32.960
I'm glad we're able to kind of like pick it apart as well because like that last part, that follow through, like you see it with so many parents.
00:37:33.039 --> 00:37:39.119
Like it's like it's like if you would just follow through with what you would say, that's but then it is tricky because it's a hard thing to do.
00:37:39.360 --> 00:37:50.480
You don't want to be a judge, you don't want to be the police, you do want to be a coach, and so you have to be able to do this stuff by engaging with them, but not letting yourself get sucked into it by responding rather than reacting.
00:37:50.639 --> 00:37:51.519
Yeah, very good.
00:37:51.599 --> 00:37:52.719
That's I can agree with that.
00:37:52.880 --> 00:37:53.920
Yes, okay.
00:37:54.480 --> 00:37:55.119
Cool.
00:37:55.679 --> 00:37:57.920
Anything else from the the the diagram?
00:37:58.400 --> 00:37:59.360
No, we didn't do it.
00:37:59.679 --> 00:38:01.920
We we didn't even touch here, which is crazy.
00:38:02.000 --> 00:38:04.960
We've so much to talk about because because it's just the three most things.
00:38:05.039 --> 00:38:07.840
You always start with those, yeah, and you're always on a better path.
00:38:08.000 --> 00:38:10.639
And those are just the three things are that are the high level.
00:38:10.800 --> 00:38:21.119
Yeah, everything that we're working on is gonna be low-level tips of like how to actually what you can do of those different consequences, how you can assess what kind of view you should have.
00:38:21.280 --> 00:38:22.559
All this stuff is coming, guys.
00:38:22.639 --> 00:38:24.800
We're gonna also cover this in different podcasts.
00:38:25.119 --> 00:38:29.599
So yeah, if you like this, you should like, subscribe, tell your friends.
00:38:29.679 --> 00:38:34.159
If you got people who have kids who you know are having a tough time, send them our way.
00:38:34.320 --> 00:38:36.000
Have them comment on the videos below.
00:38:36.159 --> 00:38:37.199
We will take your comments.
00:38:37.360 --> 00:38:38.800
Okay, we're still very new with this.
00:38:39.039 --> 00:38:41.840
We will take all your comments and read them because we don't have any right now.
00:38:41.920 --> 00:38:45.760
So if you want to share this with people who might you think would benefit from this.
00:38:46.000 --> 00:38:49.440
Um, parenting ninja, and how do you want to send us off?
00:38:49.760 --> 00:38:53.920
Well, um, enjoy your kids as much as you can because they're growing fast.
00:38:54.880 --> 00:38:58.239
Some of us grow to a certain spot and then we stop, Lydia.
00:38:59.599 --> 00:39:00.239
Okay, cool.
00:39:00.400 --> 00:39:01.280
See you next time, guys.
