S8 EP30: Dan Nightingale

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Hello, I'm Rob Beckett.
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And I'm Josh Willicombe.
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Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and
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I discuss what it's really like to be a parent,
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which I would say can be a little tricky.
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So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about
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the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week
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we'll be chatting to a famous parent about.
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How they're coping.
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Or hopefully how they're not coping.
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And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with
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your tips, advice, and of course, tales of parenting woe.
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Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times where
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none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening
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to Parenting Hell with... Hi, Ollie.
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Can you say Rob Beckett? Can you say Josh Widdicombe?
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Good boy. Do we love the podcast?
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There we go, Rob. Not just parents of children.
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What was that?
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Hi, I'm Alice Ella from Brighton. I'm a disabled and
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chronically ill creator. And with life being so shit, lol,
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your podcast, that was there, lol. Just to be clear.
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That was Alice's lol.
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You sick bastard, Josh.
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Your podcast is so funny and relatable, even though my
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only child I have is my cat.
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Right.
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Okay, because I didn't know what was going on there.
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I didn't want to be disrespectful to someone's child. I
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didn't want to be sat here and go, oh, that
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was a really good effort.
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He's 216 months old and he's called Ollie. I'm a
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singer-songwriter but haven't been well enough to gig, et cetera,
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for a number of years now. So I've had to
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find another path and a shout-out would be amazing. It's
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at Alice Ella, Alice E-L-L-A, to raise awareness of people
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with ME and chronic invisible disabilities, P-M-D-D-I-B-S-P-O-T-E.
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Etc.
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Wow, that's a lot of abbreviations. I'll be honest with you,
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if she didn't have ME, we ain't doing a fucking
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cat at the start.
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No.
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But, Rob, that is what it is.
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Respect the hassle.
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And I'd like to say that this is a ballsy move.
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I'd also like to submit myself as a contender for
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more tired than Josh as my fatigue has put me
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in a wheelchair.
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Yeah.
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I think she's beating you there, 3-0. She's beating me there.
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That's at Alice Ella on Instagram.
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I would absolutely love it if one episode you wheeled
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yourself into the Zoom shop.
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I'm really tired. I'm really tired.
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I'm so tired.
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Yeah. It's Alice Ella. It's Alice Ella.
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The irony would be that the last Lego get cancelled
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as you get a disability.
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Do you know what? I sometimes... It's a laugh or
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a cough. That was both. I sometimes think about that.
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Like, I thought about, do you know you daydream and
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you think, like, about, oh, what if I fell off
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this tube platform or whatever?
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Do you ever have those daydreams?
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Yeah, the weird thoughts of, yeah.
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And then I think, imagine if I lost a leg,
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how weird it would be then for the last leg,
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if I lost a leg. It'd be like this whole
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new chapter of the show in which I was joining
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the world of disability.
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Yeah.
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And then I'd be like, is that God's punishment for
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being on the show?
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Yeah, well, you've taken the space of someone that should
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have had a disability.
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Yeah, have I been given this disability?
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Also, in a world of diversity and inclusivity, have you
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not thought that it's a bit too no-leg heavy on
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your show? No. Yeah, exactly. There's other disabilities, Josh, yeah?
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There is other disabilities.
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They're not all physical, okay?
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Exactly.
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And they're not all leg.
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Fucking looking over my shoulder at Josh Pugh and Rosie Jones.
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I'll tell you that for free. Anyway.
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How are you, Josh?
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All right?
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Yeah, I am good. I'm very good. Thank you for asking.
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How are you?
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I'm not too bad. What a weird thing to say.
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Thank you for asking.
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I was panicking. I had no anecdote.
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Thank you very much for asking.
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Thank you very much for asking.
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Well, I'll tell you what we could talk about quickly
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because we've only got a little bit before this. We've
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both just come off the back of doing our favourite
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show on telly.
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Blankety blank. Blankety blank.
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Blankety blank. Blankety blank. I'd say the only show you
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do less on as a contestant is Celebrity Squares.
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Yeah, I don't know.
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Oh, my God.
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I don't know if you've ever.
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Been on the.
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I've got a piece of.
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What's up with you?
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I've got something stuck in my throat.
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Wait, that.
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Porridge?
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No, not porridge.
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Yoghurt and granola?
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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So we had a little wee break, and you've gone
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downstairs to gobble up some yoghurt.
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I didn't gobble it up.
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It's here.
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I haven't gobbled it.
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You haven't... It's stuck in your throat, mate. You've not
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got it down yet. I know, so I haven't gobbled
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it quite yet. I've been mid-gobble. How was your Blankety
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Blank experience, Josh? Did I bond with Jedward? I can't believe...
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Did they... Were they on one seat? They were on
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two seats, but they were one celebrity. They were one celebrity,
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but on two seats. Obviously, I didn't mean physically one seat.
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I mean, were they in one sort of contestant position?
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What did you talk to Jedward about?
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We didn't have a huge amount in common.
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No.
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I listened in to them having a chat about Louis Walsh.
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Oh, okay.
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Did I bond with Michelle Collins, a.k.a. Cindy Beale? Yes,
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I fucking did. Loved Cindy Beale.
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You've got a bit of a crush on Cindy Beale,
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haven't you?
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No, I haven't.
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No, no, no. Yes, you have.
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No, I haven't.
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No, no, no.
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I'm sure you've mentioned it before when you were a
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teenager watching East End.
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No, I haven't mentioned Cindy.
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No.
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Actually, no.
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You sure? Because I was chatting to Matthew Crosby, who's
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a writer on Blankety Blank.
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Right.
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When I was there. And he seemed to imply that
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he was quite taken by. Cindy Beale back in the day.
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I got on with her, not back in the day.
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And meeting her in real life.
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I thought she was too much of a baddie back
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in the day.
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But now she's sort of mellowed.
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Well, she was very nice, Michelle Collins.
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You just got some yoghurt out of your teeth with
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your tongue.
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Yeah, I did, yeah. I was nervous. I think Crosby's
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got a fucking cheek.
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Why?
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He couldn't shut up about her.
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Really?
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So you're both fans of Michelle Bowen?
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No, no.
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I got on very well with her. She was a laugh.
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And Judy Love. I love Judy Love.
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She's great.
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Judy Love has got the funniest eyes in comedy. When
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she does her side look, it just slays me.
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It's brilliant. I could just watch Judy Love's eyes forever.
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They're so funny. We should get her back on, Judy.
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Oh, I love Judy Love.
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She's great.
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Yeah, so Judy Love. It's just funny saying the celebrities' names,
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isn't it?
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Aisling, who obviously I get on with.
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Aisling B, the actress, comedian.
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Kojay Radical was lovely and drew pictures of us all
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when the set caught on fire.
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The set caught on fire?
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The set. Aisling B's button started to steam, to smoke.
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All right, mate, keep it clean. We all like Bradley.
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So her button caught on fire.
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It started to smoke. I'm not allowed to say caught
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on fire because earlier in the day... I'm not going
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to be headlined. Earlier in the day, the guy who
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was working on it had to deal... The buttons weren't
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working for an hour. So the first one was delayed
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and then the second one, the buttons were smoking.
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Right, but not on fire.
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And I was like, oh, the button's caught on fire.
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It's not caught on fire.
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I was like, oh, man, he's having a terrible day.
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LAUGHTER Poor bloke.
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First day of filming and the set A doesn't work
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and then catches on fire.
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It doesn't go on fire. I'm smoking. Because that will
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be one person to job the buttons.
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Yeah, poor bloke.
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Tough day at the office.
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Yeah, tough day at the office. How was yours?
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Good.
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I did a double recall.
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You did a double. Who did you get?
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So, it's quite a lot of people to remember here.
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Just give me the weirdest ones.
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Okay.
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Jack D, Joe Swash, Jordan Banjo, Sue Pollard.
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What's Pollard like?
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Steph McGovern. Pollard's... I love Pollard.
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She's great.
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I did. Celebrity pointless against Pollard. I'm watching them try
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to explain the rules to Sue Pollard and Ruth Maddock
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was one of the longest 45 minutes of my life.
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Also, Pollard's shtick is that she won't get it.
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Yeah.
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So it's pointless to try and explain it because she
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probably does understand it but pretends not to. Joe Swash
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was there as well.
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Has Sue Pollard got kids?
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Yes. Emma Barton was there for me. Sue Pollard got kids,
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don't know.
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Oh, right.
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Couldn't tell you. But, no, it was a great fun
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day out. My mum and dad came down and had
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their own dressing room.
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Oh, nice.
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It was a bit weird. Right, I'm going to tell
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you this because we've not done much parenting stuff. Quickly.
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We had a nightmare with the school shoes, Josh.
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Talk to me.
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They got dog poo on. Yeah. So Lou put them in, well,
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cleaned them, but they still had a bit on, so
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she put them in the washing machine. Mm-hmm. 8 a.m.
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or not 8 a.m., like 7.30 the next morning, they
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still hadn't dried.
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And that's the school day?
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On the school day.
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Oh, no.
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She had to wear trainers.
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And then.
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Louie was like, just put them on to my six-year-old.
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And the inside, she was crying, going, no, they're horrible.
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They're all weird. And you know when you're trying to
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get out.
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This is what says the trainers?
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Trainers for PE, because they go in in their PE outfit.
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It's the white trainers. And the kids go, oh, no, no, no, no.
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And we're like, just put your trainers on and just
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get on with it.
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Right.
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And we didn't really realize. And then I picked up
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the trainer. The inside of the trainer, Josh, was soaking wet.
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And the actual, you know, like the little insole had
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completely come out and been shrunk and twisted and churned out.
257
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And what happened?
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I've just been in the washing machine.
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Oh, the trainers have gone in the washing machine.
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The trainers. whole the trainers have gone in the washing
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machine and our poor daughter was walking around oh no
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00:10:05.360 --> 00:10:07.700
soaking wet feet oh no and you were scrumpled up
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bombs and then eventually we realized and put her in
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00:10:10.159 --> 00:10:12.539
her like sketches or whatever and then she was getting
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00:10:12.580 --> 00:10:14.039
upset she was going to get told off for not
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wearing white ones so then we had to look at
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emailing and then walk her in and stuff like that
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but Oh, my God. We felt guilt. Yeah. Because there
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00:10:21.929 --> 00:10:23.690
was a point where we were saying, you're being naughty now,
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but the poor thing had taken my feet and scrumpled
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up inside.
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Oh, God, that's terrible. That's going to come back in
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years to come.
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00:10:30.990 --> 00:10:34.429
No, the scrumple soul. Scrumple soul.
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It wasn't just the sole of my shoes you crushed.
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Right.
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00:10:37.389 --> 00:10:39.570
This week, Josh, we've got Dan Nightingale on the pod.
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Great guy, great comedian and a father.
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Yeah.
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And he's changed the podcast game, Rob.
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He's a cult hero in the podcast world.
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Yeah, lovely bloke. Really funny. You'll enjoy it. You know
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when you just go, this is a good one.
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Here it is.
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00:10:56.120 --> 00:10:59.879
And it is. It's a good one. Enjoy it. Welcome
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00:10:59.919 --> 00:11:02.879
to the podcast, Dan Nightingale. Thanks for doing this, Dan.
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00:11:02.899 --> 00:11:05.779
Hey, no worries. Thanks very much for having me, boys.
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00:11:06.259 --> 00:11:08.250
Fitting us into your podcast schedule.
289
00:11:09.679 --> 00:11:13.639
Yeah, what I need is another podcast. That's what I need.
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00:11:14.039 --> 00:11:17.370
It feels like I've got a job. I've accidentally, through
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00:11:17.389 --> 00:11:19.909
being a comedian for 20-odd years, where you don't really
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want a job, invented another job for myself. Yeah.
293
00:11:23.889 --> 00:11:26.070
Well, because we all know each other from the circuit
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years ago when we first started and we met on
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00:11:29.330 --> 00:11:32.539
the circuit. And then in lockdown, did you have a
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00:11:32.549 --> 00:11:36.159
word podcast with Adam Rowe that's absolutely... taking off on
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00:11:36.200 --> 00:11:38.840
like the biggest success stories on Patreon and you're selling
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00:11:38.899 --> 00:11:41.279
out arenas, doing a live version of it and stuff.
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It's gone mad. So happy for you. It's amazing.
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Amazing show.
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00:11:44.370 --> 00:11:47.629
You've absolutely smashed it as well. Especially, you know, all
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00:11:47.669 --> 00:11:50.529
setting up yourself. So you do that and you're gigging,
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00:11:50.549 --> 00:11:52.409
you've got your live shows, you've got your special, it's
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all online. And more importantly for this show, dad, Yes.
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00:11:57.320 --> 00:11:58.139
How old are your kids, Dan?
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00:11:59.059 --> 00:12:00.039
Oh, did we do the setup?
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00:12:00.090 --> 00:12:02.990
Can I just say, of all the things I've achieved
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00:12:03.029 --> 00:12:05.610
in my career, and most of them have happened recently,
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but my wife, Laura, is the most hype for me
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to be on your podcast.
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Oh, wow.
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We sold out an arena with our podcast, and she
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was like, wow, that was great.
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And I was like, I'm doing Parents in Hell. She
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was like, right.
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It's like, she has prepped me.
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She was like, right, say this. This will be interesting.
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Don't say that.
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00:12:28.759 --> 00:12:31.070
And at the end of it, on WhatsApp, I've got
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this OCD list of things, do's and don'ts. And then
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00:12:34.669 --> 00:12:36.590
right at the end, she was like, don't slag anyone
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00:12:36.629 --> 00:12:37.970
from school or nursery off.
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Don't slag anyone off.
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00:12:40.269 --> 00:12:42.450
Can you give us the list of don'ts, please?
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00:12:42.850 --> 00:12:43.850
No, she was just.
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00:12:44.049 --> 00:12:45.720
You won't, right? No.
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00:12:47.019 --> 00:12:49.980
Yeah, it was mainly that. It's because I can get
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00:12:50.019 --> 00:12:52.179
a little loose-lipped. You know when you're a dad and
329
00:12:52.220 --> 00:12:54.879
you podcast? I podcast with a load of 30-year-old lads
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00:12:55.549 --> 00:12:58.690
who are living their lives. They're having a great time.
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00:12:58.830 --> 00:13:02.169
And they are a couple of years away from being
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00:13:02.230 --> 00:13:05.029
where we are now. And that's fine. I'm looking forward
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to that part of their life where I've got all
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00:13:07.250 --> 00:13:09.159
the kids and I've got free time and I sleep
335
00:13:09.179 --> 00:13:10.179
properly and they don't.
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Yes.
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But it's very noticeable that I have to turn up
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00:13:15.899 --> 00:13:17.759
with stories about parenting and my life.
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00:13:18.440 --> 00:13:23.019
Otherwise, it seems like I've done nothing. Yeah.
340
00:13:23.360 --> 00:13:25.779
If I don't talk about family life, if I don't
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talk about my kids, if I don't talk about this,
342
00:13:29.129 --> 00:13:32.669
then it's not like I'm doing tons of stuff as well. Rob,
343
00:13:32.690 --> 00:13:34.409
you were like, oh, and you're doing loads of live shows.
344
00:13:34.549 --> 00:13:36.750
I'm doing one a week like I have.
345
00:13:36.769 --> 00:13:38.490
Whittled it down.
346
00:13:38.529 --> 00:13:38.789
Yeah.
347
00:13:39.470 --> 00:13:41.870
The circuit days of doing like eight gigs a week
348
00:13:41.990 --> 00:13:43.450
are long gone, mate.
349
00:13:43.649 --> 00:13:44.730
I am winding it down.
350
00:13:44.789 --> 00:13:52.659
So I do tend to talk a lot about school, nursery,
351
00:13:53.159 --> 00:13:56.100
and like I've even, if I get carried away, I
352
00:13:56.120 --> 00:13:57.980
start talking about our sex life. And I obviously, I'm
353
00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:00.529
not an idiot. I know how to not get like
354
00:14:00.629 --> 00:14:01.789
thrown out of my own house.
355
00:14:01.850 --> 00:14:04.149
You said don't talk about your sex life of Laura
356
00:14:04.289 --> 00:14:06.370
on the WhatsApp list of things not to talk about.
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00:14:06.809 --> 00:14:09.769
I think she just took that as a given and
358
00:14:09.789 --> 00:14:11.379
there I am, smashing right into it.
359
00:14:11.769 --> 00:14:12.779
Did you combine.
360
00:14:13.240 --> 00:14:15.559
Did your having children overlap with when you were doing
361
00:14:15.620 --> 00:14:17.519
eight gigs a week and you were.
362
00:14:17.759 --> 00:14:19.320
So how old are they, Dan? Sorry, just to get
363
00:14:19.360 --> 00:14:19.529
a bit.
364
00:14:19.539 --> 00:14:24.389
Oh, sorry. My wife, Laura, and we've got a seven-year-old, Etta.
365
00:14:25.210 --> 00:14:28.909
She has just turned seven and she is amazing.
366
00:14:28.929 --> 00:14:29.450
Yeah.
367
00:14:30.539 --> 00:14:31.340
She's very loud.
368
00:14:32.080 --> 00:14:36.399
She's me. She's me. I've made a little mini girl me.
369
00:14:37.539 --> 00:14:42.340
And she's great. And then we've got Jack, who's our three-year-old.
370
00:14:42.379 --> 00:14:45.860
So he's just about to turn three. So we are
371
00:14:46.059 --> 00:14:47.120
coming out of the woods.
372
00:14:48.100 --> 00:14:50.919
Yeah, you're three, four, that you can really start to
373
00:14:51.539 --> 00:14:53.370
throw the iPad at him and stretch your legs.
374
00:14:53.730 --> 00:14:57.690
I honestly, I think third birthday, for any parent who's like,
375
00:14:58.370 --> 00:15:02.100
feels like they're in the tiredness sort of just in,
376
00:15:02.120 --> 00:15:05.620
in the trenches, then I just, I think the third
377
00:15:05.659 --> 00:15:10.039
birthday is something to just, it does, it gets incrementally easier,
378
00:15:10.080 --> 00:15:12.659
doesn't it? Until then. But then all of a sudden
379
00:15:12.679 --> 00:15:14.980
you've got a little dude who you can talk to
380
00:15:15.059 --> 00:15:20.779
and reason with and bribe. Doesn't it make a big difference?
381
00:15:20.879 --> 00:15:24.289
Like you've just not got this emotional terrorist, like ruining
382
00:15:24.610 --> 00:15:27.940
all trips out and, and needing to nap and poo
383
00:15:27.980 --> 00:15:30.279
in his pants. And like, it's just, it's on the
384
00:15:30.360 --> 00:15:32.889
turn now where it just feels like you've got a
385
00:15:32.899 --> 00:15:36.690
little mate hanging out. And like Etta feels like a
386
00:15:37.129 --> 00:15:44.070
member of parliament compared. She's like so much more like
387
00:15:44.169 --> 00:15:47.330
ladylike it's compared. But yeah, we are definitely out of
388
00:15:47.409 --> 00:15:48.690
the trenches I feel like.
389
00:15:52.350 --> 00:15:56.690
What's amazing because the thing I love about podcast and
390
00:15:56.889 --> 00:15:59.889
you guys are like the absolute pinnacle of this is
391
00:15:59.950 --> 00:16:02.769
the DIY aspect and the way you can transform your
392
00:16:02.850 --> 00:16:06.200
own life through in the way it just didn't exist
393
00:16:06.259 --> 00:16:08.200
before podcasts and social.
394
00:16:07.940 --> 00:16:08.580
Media and stuff.
395
00:16:08.799 --> 00:16:10.840
And it's just amazing that you can find your fans
396
00:16:10.899 --> 00:16:13.980
and stuff like that, but your life has changed so
397
00:16:14.039 --> 00:16:16.919
much in the last four or five years. And so
398
00:16:16.960 --> 00:16:18.769
there was a point when you were gigging on the
399
00:16:18.850 --> 00:16:22.190
circuit eight nights a week and and you had certainly
400
00:16:22.309 --> 00:16:25.389
one small kid, maybe two small kids, that must have
401
00:16:25.409 --> 00:16:26.649
been fucking tough, right?
402
00:16:26.669 --> 00:16:27.509
Yeah, yeah.
403
00:16:28.210 --> 00:16:30.110
Well, that's the thing with the circuit, isn't it? There's
404
00:16:30.129 --> 00:16:33.190
a lot of brilliant comics out there. I remember meeting
405
00:16:33.210 --> 00:16:34.549
you guys when you were, I.
406
00:16:34.549 --> 00:16:36.629
Think, Josh, you stayed at my flat in Manchester.
407
00:16:36.649 --> 00:16:38.629
Yeah, I was thinking that, and I was wondering this
408
00:16:38.669 --> 00:16:42.700
this morning. Where was I planning on staying? Because that
409
00:16:42.740 --> 00:16:44.059
was the first night I met you.
410
00:16:44.480 --> 00:16:47.940
Yeah. That's the code, isn't it? That's the media's code.
411
00:16:47.960 --> 00:16:50.059
You're like, listen, you seem down.
412
00:16:50.679 --> 00:16:51.639
You didn't seem.
413
00:16:51.480 --> 00:16:55.830
Like a threat to me or my housemates' lives. And
414
00:16:55.850 --> 00:16:56.759
that's the code, isn't it?
415
00:16:56.899 --> 00:16:59.470
When you start out in stand-up, because you started, I
416
00:17:00.070 --> 00:17:02.049
bet both of you started in around like 2021. Is
417
00:17:02.090 --> 00:17:02.429
that right?
418
00:17:04.190 --> 00:17:05.130
No, I was 24. Oh, okay.
419
00:17:05.130 --> 00:17:05.190
24.
420
00:17:05.170 --> 00:17:06.670
Oh, in age.
421
00:17:07.390 --> 00:17:10.430
I thought he was trying to do, I thought he
422
00:17:10.470 --> 00:17:14.680
was trying, I thought like 2001. I was like, fucking hell, no.
423
00:17:14.700 --> 00:17:16.400
I was 23 when I started.
424
00:17:16.559 --> 00:17:19.079
Right, so I was 21 and I remember being so
425
00:17:19.140 --> 00:17:22.059
dead keen and I just wanted to talk to older
426
00:17:22.099 --> 00:17:24.059
comics and I wanted to hit the brains and I
427
00:17:24.180 --> 00:17:27.509
also loved the guys who just sort of they got
428
00:17:27.549 --> 00:17:30.430
that it was a bit of a fraternity where you
429
00:17:30.490 --> 00:17:32.990
didn't have any money. You were desperate for stage time.
430
00:17:33.029 --> 00:17:35.339
You were just into it. And anyone that just seemed
431
00:17:35.410 --> 00:17:37.099
keen and sound.
432
00:17:37.640 --> 00:17:39.920
Oh, you'd do anything to do a gig, wouldn't you?
433
00:17:40.380 --> 00:17:41.200
Yeah, totally.
434
00:17:41.220 --> 00:17:42.819
So I remember you were at the Frog and Bucket
435
00:17:42.859 --> 00:17:45.869
and I was hosting. And you just wandered up north.
436
00:17:46.569 --> 00:17:49.869
And we're like, I'm sure. It's the friendly north. We'll
437
00:17:49.890 --> 00:17:52.950
just sleep in a bus station.
438
00:17:53.410 --> 00:17:55.529
So before the podcast really took off, you must have
439
00:17:55.549 --> 00:17:57.880
been doing four or five gigs a week, driving all
440
00:17:57.890 --> 00:18:00.460
around the country, never at home. Now you're at home
441
00:18:00.500 --> 00:18:03.380
so much more with the kids. It must be amazing.
442
00:18:03.759 --> 00:18:05.720
It is, yeah. So that's what I was going to say.
443
00:18:05.759 --> 00:18:08.619
You guys kicked on and disappeared from out of the
444
00:18:08.660 --> 00:18:12.539
circuit without... Like you just got, you got agents, you
445
00:18:12.579 --> 00:18:14.720
got opportunities, you made that for yourself. Like a lot
446
00:18:14.740 --> 00:18:17.500
of comics get stuck on the circuit and like podcasting
447
00:18:17.519 --> 00:18:19.960
has been amazing because I now get to sell some
448
00:18:20.000 --> 00:18:22.680
tickets to people who kind of like me and maybe
449
00:18:22.720 --> 00:18:25.849
not on the scale, but like, it's amazing. And what
450
00:18:25.890 --> 00:18:28.049
I found is that I just don't want to gig
451
00:18:28.569 --> 00:18:32.539
as much as I was gigging. The optimum amount of
452
00:18:32.599 --> 00:18:35.539
gigs a week, how much do you want to work
453
00:18:35.579 --> 00:18:38.420
in a week? I've got mates who've got brilliant jobs
454
00:18:38.460 --> 00:18:41.559
who are working like 50-hour weeks. It's not the ideal,
455
00:18:41.619 --> 00:18:45.309
is it? They're earning good money or whatever. So, yeah,
456
00:18:45.410 --> 00:18:49.809
there was a point when Etta was born in 2017 where, yeah,
457
00:18:50.710 --> 00:18:52.950
it was probably like five, six, seven gigs a week.
458
00:18:53.359 --> 00:18:56.410
And if everyone's confused, that's not every night. maybe you'd
459
00:18:56.450 --> 00:18:58.779
do two gigs on a Friday, two gigs on a Saturday.
460
00:18:59.099 --> 00:19:01.160
You could be away for the whole weekend every week,
461
00:19:01.240 --> 00:19:05.299
couldn't you? Yeah. And I remember saying to Laura, this
462
00:19:05.319 --> 00:19:07.880
was like 2019, I'd had an idea for the podcast
463
00:19:07.900 --> 00:19:09.740
and I was like, I want to film stuff and
464
00:19:09.759 --> 00:19:12.430
I want to do clips. And we were trying to
465
00:19:12.470 --> 00:19:16.710
get out of some debt and save for a house.
466
00:19:16.690 --> 00:19:17.890
Because we hadn't got a mortgage.
467
00:19:18.529 --> 00:19:20.569
And I was like, I'm going to need to spend
468
00:19:20.609 --> 00:19:22.890
about three grand of our savings.
469
00:19:22.410 --> 00:19:25.759
To And this is why Laura is amazing.
470
00:19:25.799 --> 00:19:28.039
And I'm not just picking up because she's listening. This
471
00:19:28.119 --> 00:19:28.940
is 2019. Yeah.
472
00:19:30.140 --> 00:19:32.460
So in that five years from going from being in
473
00:19:32.519 --> 00:19:35.000
debt and using three grand of your savings to get
474
00:19:35.039 --> 00:19:41.950
your podcast equipment, you went to... We're in less debt.
475
00:19:41.970 --> 00:19:44.309
You know, selling out arenas and a full-time job in
476
00:19:44.349 --> 00:19:45.150
a podcast.
477
00:19:45.250 --> 00:19:48.329
Rob, you feel like you're hosting the Stephen Bartlett podcast
478
00:19:48.390 --> 00:19:48.869
at the moment.
479
00:19:48.890 --> 00:19:48.990
Yes.
480
00:19:50.200 --> 00:19:53.119
So what drove you into that? Why his dad?
481
00:19:53.279 --> 00:19:57.200
Great question, Rob. It was absolute desperation.
482
00:19:57.420 --> 00:19:59.849
Have some Huel and tell me what the saddest moment
483
00:19:59.869 --> 00:20:00.549
of your life is.
484
00:20:00.569 --> 00:20:01.609
Stick your Zully patch.
485
00:20:01.529 --> 00:20:05.910
On and chill out. Oh, God, yeah.
486
00:20:06.349 --> 00:20:08.769
So when you are, because you're recording a lot, you
487
00:20:08.970 --> 00:20:10.329
put out a lot of content and stuff and you
488
00:20:10.349 --> 00:20:12.289
talk about your family life because that's all you do.
489
00:20:12.329 --> 00:20:14.450
You've got young kids, whereas the others are out drinking
490
00:20:14.490 --> 00:20:17.369
and partying and following Liverpool around the world and games
491
00:20:17.410 --> 00:20:20.119
and stuff. What are you, have you ever said too
492
00:20:20.170 --> 00:20:22.539
much and there's been problems at the school gate because
493
00:20:22.740 --> 00:20:25.680
I'll occasionally get pulled and someone says, oh, is that the,
494
00:20:26.000 --> 00:20:28.640
you know, is that that thing or that? And you're like, oh, God,
495
00:20:28.660 --> 00:20:30.150
because you forget people listen, don't you?
496
00:20:31.170 --> 00:20:32.819
Yeah, you do.
497
00:20:33.059 --> 00:20:33.400
I do.
498
00:20:33.700 --> 00:20:36.059
Laura does not forget the people. Does she listen to
499
00:20:36.119 --> 00:20:36.539
all of it?
500
00:20:36.920 --> 00:20:39.099
Well, we've got patrons. We've got some of the dads
501
00:20:39.140 --> 00:20:43.990
at school are patrons. So she's saying good morning to people.
502
00:20:44.529 --> 00:20:46.890
And I've been like, guess what happened this week?
503
00:20:48.779 --> 00:20:48.980
No.
504
00:20:49.559 --> 00:20:50.599
Yeah, you do.
505
00:20:50.720 --> 00:20:51.359
It is a little.
506
00:20:52.029 --> 00:20:54.029
I don't know, it's fine though, isn't it? There's no
507
00:20:54.210 --> 00:20:57.789
malice in it. Like we had the nursery had a
508
00:20:57.829 --> 00:21:02.150
sports day and it was objectively one of the most
509
00:21:02.210 --> 00:21:06.539
ridiculous things I've ever been a part of. This is
510
00:21:06.680 --> 00:21:10.420
a like two, three month old babies right up until
511
00:21:10.440 --> 00:21:12.579
like four year olds doing a sports day. And they
512
00:21:12.619 --> 00:21:17.089
did every room in the nursery had their like races,
513
00:21:17.549 --> 00:21:21.569
like a 40 yard dash. And we got the baby
514
00:21:21.609 --> 00:21:24.289
room out. And then there's a crowd, like a League
515
00:21:24.349 --> 00:21:30.579
Two football match. There's about 1,500 people watching. I've never
516
00:21:30.599 --> 00:21:32.680
seen anything more ridiculous. So I went on and slagged
517
00:21:32.720 --> 00:21:39.730
it off. Yeah, it got back to Laura. Stacey, one
518
00:21:39.750 --> 00:21:41.089
of the girls that works there, she'll love this, I'm
519
00:21:41.130 --> 00:21:43.589
mentioning it again. Stacey, one of the girls that works there,
520
00:21:43.609 --> 00:21:45.470
is obviously quite competitive. And when it came to the
521
00:21:45.509 --> 00:21:47.460
three-year-old race, she was like, cool, we're going to win.
522
00:21:47.700 --> 00:21:51.380
So they were all holding hands. And the kids that
523
00:21:51.440 --> 00:21:53.920
were with Stacey, who I'm not messing with because she's frightening,
524
00:21:54.519 --> 00:21:59.910
She started running and they nearly, I'd say they were
525
00:21:59.970 --> 00:22:03.329
so close to getting a dislocated shoulder. She put it
526
00:22:03.430 --> 00:22:07.109
in like turbo boost mode and they won every race.
527
00:22:07.150 --> 00:22:09.410
Whoever was with Stacey was getting gold that day.
528
00:22:09.450 --> 00:22:11.549
She basically just dragging them along the ground. It was
529
00:22:11.769 --> 00:22:14.569
phenomenal to watch. Why is she running though? Surely the whole,
530
00:22:14.869 --> 00:22:17.190
the sports day is not hold your teacher's hand and run.
531
00:22:17.210 --> 00:22:20.289
No, but I suppose they don't know which way they don't.
532
00:22:20.309 --> 00:22:21.930
Oh, then do a fucking sports day then.
533
00:22:23.210 --> 00:22:24.130
Oh, are you allowed to swear?
534
00:22:24.150 --> 00:22:25.089
I've been trying.
535
00:22:25.690 --> 00:22:26.930
Yeah, say what you want.
536
00:22:27.309 --> 00:22:31.089
Oh, God. It was fucking ridiculous, boys. Some of them
537
00:22:31.109 --> 00:22:32.190
can't walk.
538
00:22:32.549 --> 00:22:34.390
What are we doing? And I'm ready for the.
539
00:22:34.349 --> 00:22:40.450
Olympics in 2048. It's absolutely absurd. It was phenomenal. It
540
00:22:40.730 --> 00:22:42.990
got so ridiculous that I started having the best time.
541
00:22:43.380 --> 00:22:46.900
Then there was a mum and dad's race, obviously. Did
542
00:22:47.640 --> 00:22:54.880
you do it? Holding hands with Stacey. LAUGHTER Performance enhancing substances, Stacey.
543
00:22:55.940 --> 00:22:57.200
I was jacked up on Stace.
544
00:22:57.400 --> 00:22:57.920
No, I didn't.
545
00:22:57.980 --> 00:23:01.240
I didn't get involved. I claimed like a hammy or something.
546
00:23:01.619 --> 00:23:04.240
So did the nursery, people at the nursery say, you've
547
00:23:04.259 --> 00:23:06.000
been slagging off our nursery sports day?
548
00:23:06.099 --> 00:23:08.160
No, they were sound. They were all sound. That's the thing.
549
00:23:08.200 --> 00:23:10.549
It's Laura. She gets a bit of social anxiety, so
550
00:23:10.589 --> 00:23:13.630
she catastrophizes. And she goes, right, if you say that,
551
00:23:13.910 --> 00:23:17.250
then through these, it'll end up with us probably being
552
00:23:17.289 --> 00:23:19.029
like banished from the land.
553
00:23:19.049 --> 00:23:21.150
Is it? So I feel like you're the sort of
554
00:23:21.569 --> 00:23:24.170
megaphone mouthpiece of the cup. So if you're in a
555
00:23:24.210 --> 00:23:26.410
restaurant and you need to complain about something, will it
556
00:23:26.430 --> 00:23:27.220
be you or Laura?
557
00:23:30.700 --> 00:23:34.839
Yeah, you'd think it would be me, but actually Laura
558
00:23:35.000 --> 00:23:37.940
gets really anxious with friends in a social situation. Okay.
559
00:23:38.559 --> 00:23:42.910
But she can fume about like injustices. In terms of
560
00:23:42.950 --> 00:23:44.109
customer service and whatnot.
561
00:23:44.750 --> 00:23:45.299
Oh, okay.
562
00:23:45.650 --> 00:23:47.940
Just as a weird little contradiction. Why are you the
563
00:23:48.039 --> 00:23:49.339
one that complains and she just.
564
00:23:49.359 --> 00:23:52.460
Yeah. Like Lou gets very like what Lou tells me
565
00:23:52.500 --> 00:23:54.519
off for being loud all the time.
566
00:23:54.539 --> 00:23:56.000
She knows what she signed up to.
567
00:23:56.000 --> 00:23:59.000
Exactly. But then like, so for example, it's apparently marry
568
00:23:59.059 --> 00:24:01.940
Rob Beckett and go, it's a, could you keep it down?
569
00:24:01.960 --> 00:24:02.829
I know.
570
00:24:02.890 --> 00:24:03.210
I know.
571
00:24:03.690 --> 00:24:05.569
I bet if anything, I have got quieter, but it's
572
00:24:05.589 --> 00:24:08.410
still quite loud. She's a bit more, a bit more reserved,
573
00:24:08.450 --> 00:24:10.569
but like for example, at parents evening, we had our
574
00:24:10.609 --> 00:24:12.869
parents evening chat, but there was, There was a drop-in
575
00:24:12.900 --> 00:24:15.009
table with like the sports PE teacher. We wanted to
576
00:24:15.049 --> 00:24:17.809
check something about the clubs my kid was in. And
577
00:24:18.650 --> 00:24:20.799
she was chatting to the head teacher, but at parents' evening.
578
00:24:20.819 --> 00:24:23.440
So he's like, well, obviously if we go up and go,
579
00:24:23.460 --> 00:24:25.140
can we have a word? The head teacher would get
580
00:24:25.220 --> 00:24:27.609
up because the head teacher's just chatting because no one's
581
00:24:27.630 --> 00:24:29.230
sitting with her. So I was like, go on. And
582
00:24:29.299 --> 00:24:31.400
he was like, no, you go and say something. So
583
00:24:31.819 --> 00:24:33.900
I have to be in that situation. I'm the one
584
00:24:33.920 --> 00:24:35.680
that goes, oh, excuse me, sorry to interrupt, but when
585
00:24:35.700 --> 00:24:37.099
you get a moment, we'd love to have a chat
586
00:24:37.140 --> 00:24:40.299
with the sports teacher. But Lou doesn't like doing that.
587
00:24:40.460 --> 00:24:41.920
And that's on me to do.
588
00:24:43.670 --> 00:24:46.730
I can be pretty passive with that stuff. Like I'm
589
00:24:46.849 --> 00:24:47.970
definitely guilty of that.
590
00:24:48.230 --> 00:24:50.690
I'm involved. I'm a really fun dad.
591
00:24:51.130 --> 00:24:55.910
But I let Laura be the grown-up around the school stuff. Right, right.
592
00:24:56.490 --> 00:25:01.670
She sent me to a parents' evening. And I was like, what?
593
00:25:01.859 --> 00:25:02.359
On your own?
594
00:25:02.799 --> 00:25:04.579
She was like, you're going to do this one. And
595
00:25:05.259 --> 00:25:07.579
we did one together and she's done like two now.
596
00:25:07.640 --> 00:25:10.319
Because it usually falls on a day when I'm in
597
00:25:10.339 --> 00:25:12.319
the studio. She was like, right, you need to book
598
00:25:12.339 --> 00:25:15.240
that off and go. And I went, like, I just
599
00:25:15.279 --> 00:25:19.880
get told. Like, I honestly feel like we've both got
600
00:25:19.940 --> 00:25:22.299
our roles and that's important in parenting, isn't it? But
601
00:25:22.980 --> 00:25:25.319
she's definitely like the CEO where I'm like.
602
00:25:25.970 --> 00:25:28.250
So is Laura working as well, or is she not
603
00:25:28.289 --> 00:25:30.150
working and being more in charge of the kids? She's
604
00:25:30.170 --> 00:25:31.329
a lady of leisure, Robert.
605
00:25:31.769 --> 00:25:34.670
She's a lady of leisure.
606
00:25:35.029 --> 00:25:37.910
Once those arena tickets were sold, that was her out.
607
00:25:37.750 --> 00:25:38.549
Of the trades.
608
00:25:38.930 --> 00:25:42.799
Well, she works harder than me, but she doesn't work
609
00:25:42.819 --> 00:25:43.410
for anyone else.
610
00:25:44.690 --> 00:25:47.000
So it's sort of like she's more the default parent,
611
00:25:47.039 --> 00:25:49.960
as it were, because you are working. Well, you sit
612
00:25:49.980 --> 00:25:51.579
down and chat, too. A couple of lads for a
613
00:25:51.599 --> 00:25:53.640
few hours in a warehouse on the outskirts.
614
00:25:53.680 --> 00:25:55.559
I'm a lot more present than I.
615
00:25:55.549 --> 00:25:56.190
Used to be.
616
00:25:56.210 --> 00:26:01.349
We need to keep telling people it's work, this job.
617
00:26:01.490 --> 00:26:05.720
I struggle with parents' evening because ultimately when they say, oh,
618
00:26:05.940 --> 00:26:08.460
I don't really care. And I feel like I should
619
00:26:08.480 --> 00:26:10.539
because you're supposed to care. But I don't want to
620
00:26:10.559 --> 00:26:11.859
say I don't really care, but I sort of do.
621
00:26:11.920 --> 00:26:14.180
I care that they're happy and they're keeping up with
622
00:26:14.240 --> 00:26:16.970
it all. But if they go like, oh, they're not
623
00:26:17.029 --> 00:26:18.349
that good at that. I'm like, okay, well, I just
624
00:26:18.390 --> 00:26:20.369
accept that's what they're very good at. And there's some
625
00:26:20.390 --> 00:26:23.140
things they are. But then sometimes, because I'm- How old
626
00:26:23.160 --> 00:26:25.940
are yours, Rob? Eight and six. So the eight-year-old is
627
00:26:25.980 --> 00:26:28.650
getting to a bit more like advanced stuff, but- It's
628
00:26:28.670 --> 00:26:30.670
getting to the point now where I think I don't care,
629
00:26:30.849 --> 00:26:32.730
but I do care. But I say I don't care
630
00:26:32.789 --> 00:26:35.809
because I'm not very academic and I found it really stressful.
631
00:26:36.089 --> 00:26:39.289
So do you think you're projecting your own insecurities of
632
00:26:39.329 --> 00:26:40.650
childhood onto the parents?
633
00:26:40.670 --> 00:26:40.990
Yes.
634
00:26:41.150 --> 00:26:43.609
And I think I'm getting my dyslexia test back because
635
00:26:43.630 --> 00:26:45.509
I think what happened was I felt like I couldn't
636
00:26:45.569 --> 00:26:48.150
do any work. So my brain just went, well, fuck that.
637
00:26:48.250 --> 00:26:50.029
I'll be all right. I'll sort something else out, which
638
00:26:50.069 --> 00:26:53.329
I've done. But it wasn't an easy route. You had
639
00:26:53.349 --> 00:26:55.650
to wait for podcasts to be invented. Yeah, basically I
640
00:26:55.650 --> 00:26:57.710
had to wait until podcasts were invented. But they'll go
641
00:26:57.769 --> 00:27:00.150
to me, well, you need to teach her times tables.
642
00:27:00.309 --> 00:27:01.990
And I'm like, okay, well, I'm going to have to
643
00:27:02.029 --> 00:27:07.150
learn them first. So I know them. Because what you've
644
00:27:07.259 --> 00:27:09.619
done there is I've got to learn that now because
645
00:27:09.660 --> 00:27:10.180
I never did.
646
00:27:10.200 --> 00:27:12.759
Daddy, why have you got to calculate it?
647
00:27:12.900 --> 00:27:16.799
I know. I mean, the way they do sums, the
648
00:27:16.839 --> 00:27:19.900
teacher at parents' evening was trying to explain to me, like,
649
00:27:19.940 --> 00:27:21.059
get her to do more of them. I went, well,
650
00:27:21.079 --> 00:27:22.720
how do they work? So we spent a lot of
651
00:27:22.740 --> 00:27:25.380
the parents' evening, her telling me how to do multiplications.
652
00:27:26.980 --> 00:27:29.559
Which I don't feel that is a good use of time.
653
00:27:29.599 --> 00:27:32.519
I don't think I'll ever be able to divide. I
654
00:27:32.559 --> 00:27:35.089
just think it's too much. Too much of a people pleaser.
655
00:27:35.210 --> 00:27:39.470
Also, it's not 1842 anymore, is it? So we're fine.
656
00:27:39.490 --> 00:27:41.609
Well, I said, our handwriting's a bit, like, you know,
657
00:27:41.670 --> 00:27:43.299
not as neat. And I went, well, do they still
658
00:27:43.819 --> 00:27:47.359
do exams handwritten? And they went, yeah. I went, why?
659
00:27:47.380 --> 00:27:49.160
That just seems mental.
660
00:27:53.579 --> 00:27:54.859
Do you think they should do you think they should
661
00:27:54.900 --> 00:27:56.279
text the exams type it up.
662
00:27:58.589 --> 00:28:01.890
Can you say Siri? Yes, you can. Well, you'll be fine.
663
00:28:01.930 --> 00:28:02.450
You've passed it.
664
00:28:02.450 --> 00:28:04.200
Can you shout Alexa?
665
00:28:04.460 --> 00:28:04.619
Yeah.
666
00:28:05.200 --> 00:28:06.380
Well, yours will be younger, but how are you getting
667
00:28:06.400 --> 00:28:07.539
on with that kind of stuff then, Dan, or is
668
00:28:07.559 --> 00:28:09.640
that not cropped up yet? How was your parents' evening?
669
00:28:10.380 --> 00:28:11.619
Listen, they're doing well.
670
00:28:11.759 --> 00:28:15.019
What you want to hear is they're confident and they've
671
00:28:15.059 --> 00:28:18.309
got friends and they're bright. And I think if you've
672
00:28:18.349 --> 00:28:21.250
got a combination of that, and do you know what?
673
00:28:21.269 --> 00:28:22.670
If you've got a kid and you're like, well, that's
674
00:28:22.710 --> 00:28:26.700
not what I'll say, it's fine. Like, She's so young.
675
00:28:26.920 --> 00:28:27.779
It's year two.
676
00:28:28.319 --> 00:28:31.269
There's just some basics you want to hear.
677
00:28:31.420 --> 00:28:33.089
Are they not a c * * *? That's what
678
00:28:33.109 --> 00:28:33.690
I want to hear.
679
00:28:34.829 --> 00:28:37.289
Maybe they should have that as you go into school.
680
00:28:38.450 --> 00:28:40.190
And then you sit down and go, yours is a
681
00:28:40.230 --> 00:28:41.450
c * * *, I'm afraid. So we've got a
682
00:28:41.490 --> 00:28:42.910
workshop here.
683
00:28:42.970 --> 00:28:44.289
That's life.
684
00:28:44.369 --> 00:28:46.809
In a group of 30, there will be a sociopath. Unfortunately,
685
00:28:47.069 --> 00:28:50.089
it's yours. So we're going to work out how to
686
00:28:50.109 --> 00:28:50.589
change that.
687
00:28:50.609 --> 00:28:52.829
I don't want to point any fingers, but your child
688
00:28:52.910 --> 00:28:56.039
can be left alone with the class pet. Others.
689
00:28:58.400 --> 00:29:02.240
Future murderer. There are things that I get told to do.
690
00:29:02.279 --> 00:29:05.059
I got told to take Etta to her swimming lesson.
691
00:29:06.539 --> 00:29:09.460
Laura's been doing that and not particularly enjoying it. It's
692
00:29:09.480 --> 00:29:12.480
a little bit full on. But I did it once.
693
00:29:12.819 --> 00:29:16.430
And I promise you this, I will never... ever do
694
00:29:16.450 --> 00:29:19.490
it again. She's now too old to go in a
695
00:29:19.549 --> 00:29:24.609
male changing room. I can't believe that I didn't see
696
00:29:24.670 --> 00:29:26.789
it coming. I've been going to the gym this year
697
00:29:26.829 --> 00:29:28.609
a bit more. I'm trying to just try to kick
698
00:29:28.710 --> 00:29:30.289
on with a bit of a healthier start to the
699
00:29:30.329 --> 00:29:33.289
year because I was on tour last year and I
700
00:29:33.509 --> 00:29:36.789
was feeling like a mobile pudding by the end of it.
701
00:29:36.829 --> 00:29:39.170
So this year I've been trying to be a bit healthier.
702
00:29:39.190 --> 00:29:41.519
I joined the Total Fitness around the corner from us
703
00:29:42.019 --> 00:29:49.119
yeah and it's been fine it's a very wang heavy yeah.
704
00:29:48.400 --> 00:29:50.660
Changing there isn't it and is that the same place
705
00:29:50.700 --> 00:29:51.680
where the swimming pool is.
706
00:29:51.680 --> 00:29:54.940
That's where this yeah because i go off peak midweek
707
00:29:54.980 --> 00:29:57.650
in it with all the like yeah pensioners yeah Oh,
708
00:29:57.690 --> 00:30:00.519
the horror. I'm not going in peak times where everyone's
709
00:30:00.559 --> 00:30:05.700
like deadlifting 200 kilograms. I'm there just swimming with octogenarians.
710
00:30:06.220 --> 00:30:09.119
And I quite like that. So I should have seen
711
00:30:09.160 --> 00:30:11.059
it coming. And Laura's like, can you take her? And
712
00:30:11.079 --> 00:30:14.369
I stupidly thought I could just get there. Forgetting she
713
00:30:14.390 --> 00:30:16.289
was seven, I thought she'd just go in the changing room,
714
00:30:16.390 --> 00:30:18.190
come out, and then I'd sit next to the pool.
715
00:30:18.549 --> 00:30:20.250
And we got there and I was like, oh no,
716
00:30:20.269 --> 00:30:22.990
you're too young to go in a changing room on
717
00:30:23.029 --> 00:30:23.470
your own.
718
00:30:24.230 --> 00:30:24.500
And we.
719
00:30:26.130 --> 00:30:27.890
So it says on the side, you know, there's like
720
00:30:27.930 --> 00:30:29.599
a door and it says, after the age of eight,
721
00:30:29.619 --> 00:30:33.559
you have to be in a gender appropriate dressing room.
722
00:30:33.839 --> 00:30:35.599
So I was like, right, well, this is fine. But
723
00:30:35.640 --> 00:30:37.980
it's not because she's quite a mature seven. She's not.
724
00:30:38.420 --> 00:30:41.259
And when she walked in, she was like, daddy, there
725
00:30:41.299 --> 00:30:43.690
are boys everywhere. And I was like, no, no.
726
00:30:44.619 --> 00:30:45.339
I know there are.
727
00:30:45.740 --> 00:30:48.700
Also, Laura's had this thing, and this has been a
728
00:30:48.720 --> 00:30:52.549
long-running joke with us. She doesn't like euphemisms for genitalia.
729
00:30:53.250 --> 00:30:55.809
Laura's just not into it. She won't do mini or
730
00:30:56.089 --> 00:30:59.089
tuppence or any of that. From a very early age,
731
00:30:59.390 --> 00:31:02.619
Etta has been referring to her vagina as a vagina
732
00:31:03.160 --> 00:31:04.579
and penises as penises.
733
00:31:04.759 --> 00:31:04.940
So.
734
00:31:05.750 --> 00:31:08.849
We walk in with this loaded, she's so loud. She's
735
00:31:08.890 --> 00:31:13.619
just a seven-year-old grenade. She's like, there's penises. And it was,
736
00:31:13.650 --> 00:31:17.720
it was just a sea of willies. It was the
737
00:31:17.779 --> 00:31:20.960
total opposite. As a dad of a daughter, I took
738
00:31:21.000 --> 00:31:22.759
her to a place where it's the opposite of what
739
00:31:22.779 --> 00:31:25.480
you're trying to achieve as a dad. You're just like,
740
00:31:26.559 --> 00:31:29.039
she looked at me horrified. I looked down at her horrified.
741
00:31:29.720 --> 00:31:31.319
And it's like they're doing it on purpose. It was
742
00:31:31.359 --> 00:31:35.099
just a sea of wangs. She had an hoodie on. No,
743
00:31:35.140 --> 00:31:39.140
they don't do anything. It's so weird. It's all the
744
00:31:39.279 --> 00:31:42.039
old dudes as well. It's never the young dudes. It's
745
00:31:42.059 --> 00:31:45.309
the old dudes. Once you've paid your pension off, you've
746
00:31:45.329 --> 00:31:47.109
paid your mortgage off, just get your knob out.
747
00:31:47.490 --> 00:31:49.470
Oh, the horrible, craggy little dicks.
748
00:31:50.109 --> 00:31:53.089
So we got in the like, you know, like the
749
00:31:53.130 --> 00:31:54.269
little cubicle.
750
00:31:54.910 --> 00:31:55.150
Yeah.
751
00:31:55.490 --> 00:31:59.670
And she was horrified. She was hiding under an hoodie. Oh.
752
00:32:00.049 --> 00:32:02.609
And she was like, daddy. we shouldn't be in here.
753
00:32:02.630 --> 00:32:06.990
I was like, it's fine. It's allowed. It's gender appropriate.
754
00:32:07.009 --> 00:32:07.650
Like she cares.
755
00:32:08.509 --> 00:32:11.269
And, um, she was like, call me Rory.
756
00:32:12.369 --> 00:32:13.579
Call me Rory.
757
00:32:14.650 --> 00:32:16.259
So we're in the, like, you know, like the family,
758
00:32:16.779 --> 00:32:18.880
the doors closed now. She was like, I was like,
759
00:32:18.920 --> 00:32:20.619
what do you mean? She was like, if anyone.
760
00:32:21.099 --> 00:32:23.359
Hears us, they'll think.
761
00:32:22.920 --> 00:32:25.680
I'm a boy and it'll be fine. I was like, right.
762
00:32:25.700 --> 00:32:27.900
I went, okay, Rory. I was like, you need to
763
00:32:27.940 --> 00:32:30.279
take your knickers off and get changed. She was like, underpants.
764
00:32:30.299 --> 00:32:34.609
I was like, never, never again.
765
00:32:34.640 --> 00:32:35.569
We're not doing that again.
766
00:32:36.130 --> 00:32:38.410
And so, because if I was in a dress changing
767
00:32:38.450 --> 00:32:42.109
room and a seven-year-old girl came in, I'd adapt.
768
00:32:41.670 --> 00:32:43.029
My behavior, I think.
769
00:32:43.150 --> 00:32:45.170
They don't though, do they? The old boys don't.
770
00:32:45.759 --> 00:32:47.720
Mid-lunch, I'm going to play along, don't you worry about that.
771
00:32:47.740 --> 00:32:48.259
Oh, it's horrific.
772
00:32:48.420 --> 00:32:50.099
I think it should be the same rules as like,
773
00:32:50.119 --> 00:32:51.940
do you remember when you were playing footy in the
774
00:32:51.980 --> 00:32:54.759
street and a car came? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just
775
00:32:54.819 --> 00:32:57.880
everyone shouted car and just moved to the side. I
776
00:32:57.880 --> 00:33:03.549
think it should be as soon as you see a child,
777
00:33:04.329 --> 00:33:08.210
regardless of gender, you just shout child and all the old.
778
00:33:08.069 --> 00:33:12.089
Men put their wangs on. Just turn, get your dick
779
00:33:12.130 --> 00:33:15.849
facing a locker and shut up. Where are you with, if.
780
00:33:15.799 --> 00:33:18.440
It's all grown-up men, are you happy just to go
781
00:33:18.460 --> 00:33:21.480
knob out? Like, how much do you care about that?
782
00:33:21.500 --> 00:33:24.059
This is not with non-child. With non-child.
783
00:33:24.740 --> 00:33:25.720
Oh, just in there?
784
00:33:25.880 --> 00:33:26.660
Yeah.
785
00:33:27.240 --> 00:33:30.680
I've not got much, you know, I'm neither a shower
786
00:33:30.809 --> 00:33:35.529
nor a grower, really, so it's... At this point, it's
787
00:33:35.609 --> 00:33:36.230
not great.
788
00:33:36.250 --> 00:33:38.650
Um....
789
00:33:38.450 --> 00:33:40.589
But I have to admit, after two or three months
790
00:33:40.690 --> 00:33:43.250
of going, you do stop giving a shit.
791
00:33:43.750 --> 00:33:44.109
Yeah.
792
00:33:44.430 --> 00:33:45.759
You just sort of go, like, who cares?
793
00:33:46.259 --> 00:33:46.900
Like, who cares?
794
00:33:46.960 --> 00:33:49.059
Yeah, maybe that's just because they're old. They don't care.
795
00:33:49.819 --> 00:33:53.380
But I think I'm teetering towards that. Like, I'm 43 now,
796
00:33:54.140 --> 00:33:57.099
and I'm starting to go, who's bothered?
797
00:33:57.720 --> 00:33:58.319
Like, I'm not bothered.
798
00:33:58.339 --> 00:34:00.180
Yeah, a seven-year-old child that's crying in the corner.
799
00:34:00.329 --> 00:34:01.170
Oh, absolutely.
800
00:34:01.190 --> 00:34:01.490
Yeah.
801
00:34:02.849 --> 00:34:04.650
But then I can't start that trend. Like if a
802
00:34:04.670 --> 00:34:08.789
seven-year-old child comes in and I go, child, that's going
803
00:34:08.869 --> 00:34:12.130
to look even worse, isn't it? It's a real tough
804
00:34:13.349 --> 00:34:14.150
thing to introduce.
805
00:34:15.289 --> 00:34:17.469
Lads, just so you know, when any children walk in,
806
00:34:17.489 --> 00:34:21.420
we all shout child on Facebook. Are we okay with that?
807
00:34:22.260 --> 00:34:24.739
Total fitness needs you to be CRB checked now.
808
00:34:24.780 --> 00:34:25.280
Do you know that?
809
00:34:25.579 --> 00:34:28.139
I don't know why that started.
810
00:34:28.300 --> 00:34:30.400
What does your daughter make of what you do for
811
00:34:30.420 --> 00:34:32.159
a living? Does she understand what you do for a living?
812
00:34:33.210 --> 00:34:39.050
Yeah, she knows daddy does comedy and she's been to
813
00:34:39.070 --> 00:34:43.300
the podcast studio and had a little look. She kind
814
00:34:43.340 --> 00:34:47.300
of gets it, yeah. I don't think she fully understands
815
00:34:47.380 --> 00:34:50.460
it and she knows that she can't see daddy's clips
816
00:34:50.639 --> 00:34:57.280
or whatever on Instagram because it's too sweary and she's
817
00:34:57.320 --> 00:34:58.880
not quite there yet.
818
00:34:59.159 --> 00:35:00.820
Yeah, she does. How about yours?
819
00:35:02.050 --> 00:35:05.510
Your eight-year-old must be there, Rob. Do you know what?
820
00:35:05.530 --> 00:35:07.869
It's more the kids at school are a bit more
821
00:35:07.929 --> 00:35:10.969
excited about than she is. She's like, Daddy does shows.
822
00:35:11.409 --> 00:35:14.019
And same way as if you went and worked in
823
00:35:14.059 --> 00:35:15.840
an office or if you worked at the supermarket. It's
824
00:35:15.860 --> 00:35:18.599
like Daddy works. She's really not bothered. She came and
825
00:35:18.639 --> 00:35:21.539
watched the Parenting Hell show at the O2, saw a
826
00:35:21.539 --> 00:35:23.639
bit of that, and she's come to my tour shows
827
00:35:23.659 --> 00:35:25.400
and just watched from the side for the first 10
828
00:35:25.400 --> 00:35:27.420
minutes and stuff. So she's aware of what I'm doing
829
00:35:27.460 --> 00:35:28.860
and stuff. It's more the other kids are excited. But
830
00:35:29.000 --> 00:35:30.960
it just sort of becomes quite normal.
831
00:35:30.980 --> 00:35:31.420
She doesn't really.
832
00:35:32.070 --> 00:35:34.409
care to be honest i mean you know little things
833
00:35:34.630 --> 00:35:37.929
she finds exciting where was watching wonka um the other
834
00:35:37.969 --> 00:35:40.400
day and you have big toms in wonka no big
835
00:35:40.420 --> 00:35:43.320
tom davis and they're like he's scary oh i know
836
00:35:43.340 --> 00:35:44.780
he's not he's really nice but now do you know
837
00:35:44.840 --> 00:35:46.320
and he's my mate and they went no he's not
838
00:35:46.340 --> 00:35:50.500
so i just facetimed him he was like you know
839
00:35:50.760 --> 00:35:53.139
they like those little benefits yeah that's.
840
00:35:52.920 --> 00:35:54.940
The thing isn't it like when alex brooker was in
841
00:35:54.960 --> 00:35:57.519
the masked singer that was like an absolute win for
842
00:35:57.539 --> 00:36:00.519
me far more than what i do yeah you should
843
00:36:00.539 --> 00:36:02.269
do the masked singer josh Why are you not getting
844
00:36:02.289 --> 00:36:02.869
into this again?
845
00:36:03.489 --> 00:36:05.489
Is that what you've been pushing him to?
846
00:36:05.510 --> 00:36:06.860
I think it'd be great on it, don't you?
847
00:36:07.579 --> 00:36:09.960
No, I'd be shit, Rob. I'd be total shit.
848
00:36:09.980 --> 00:36:11.099
Alex Brooker beat Dionne Warwick.
849
00:36:11.960 --> 00:36:14.800
Yeah, because we all know that Dionne Warwick wanted to
850
00:36:14.820 --> 00:36:16.760
go home first because then she'd get paid the full
851
00:36:16.800 --> 00:36:17.760
fee for less work.
852
00:36:18.230 --> 00:36:21.369
I said to Alex, was it good money? He went, yeah,
853
00:36:21.650 --> 00:36:23.250
if you were there for one show, not back for
854
00:36:23.289 --> 00:36:23.809
seven weeks.
855
00:36:25.329 --> 00:36:26.510
Oh, my God.
856
00:36:26.530 --> 00:36:28.329
So what else are your kids into? So you do
857
00:36:28.389 --> 00:36:30.800
swimming clubs. Is there anything else... How do you sort
858
00:36:30.880 --> 00:36:33.820
of split up the parenting? I know Laura's at home
859
00:36:33.840 --> 00:36:35.280
a bit more, but is there stuff that you do?
860
00:36:35.280 --> 00:36:37.590
Do you do the school run? Are you in charge
861
00:36:37.619 --> 00:36:41.050
of certain clubs? How involved are you in what's needed
862
00:36:41.110 --> 00:36:43.010
in the bag, packing for school and all that kind
863
00:36:43.030 --> 00:36:43.369
of stuff?
864
00:36:44.409 --> 00:36:48.090
Yeah, I don't want to sound useless by any chance.
865
00:36:48.199 --> 00:36:49.840
I just let Laura take the lead.
866
00:36:49.860 --> 00:36:50.519
Do you know why?
867
00:36:50.599 --> 00:36:54.019
Because Laura's got systems in place. And if I mess
868
00:36:54.059 --> 00:36:58.059
with the systems, it's worse than if I do nothing.
869
00:36:59.289 --> 00:37:02.780
So Laura gets annoyed if I'm there and I'm not available.
870
00:37:02.820 --> 00:37:07.400
Like if she goes, can you do this? And I go, nah. Then, yeah,
871
00:37:07.460 --> 00:37:11.960
she gets frustrated. That's annoying. But she has regimented systems.
872
00:37:12.119 --> 00:37:15.199
She makes this whole thing tick really well. And if
873
00:37:15.340 --> 00:37:17.380
I bowl in and go, do you know what? Without
874
00:37:17.420 --> 00:37:19.679
really thinking it through, I've decided we're going to do
875
00:37:19.719 --> 00:37:23.829
it like this. She'd be absolutely fuming. So not to
876
00:37:23.969 --> 00:37:27.210
sound totally passive, but I just let Laura go, hey,
877
00:37:27.250 --> 00:37:27.829
could you do this?
878
00:37:28.420 --> 00:37:30.519
And and then you do it i do it.
879
00:37:30.760 --> 00:37:32.400
Like a work or well we've looked so if we're
880
00:37:32.420 --> 00:37:34.179
going to hold their little get quite stressed that she's
881
00:37:34.199 --> 00:37:36.400
got a pack and she because she normally packs everything
882
00:37:36.699 --> 00:37:38.760
so i always go and i generally went let me
883
00:37:38.800 --> 00:37:41.119
pack for holiday and she looks at me like i'm
884
00:37:41.159 --> 00:37:45.210
insane well i'll happily do it and then you don't
885
00:37:45.230 --> 00:37:47.070
have to worry i'll pack all the stuff we'll get
886
00:37:47.110 --> 00:37:48.510
there and then i'll unpack it and then you've not
887
00:37:48.550 --> 00:37:50.150
packed it but you i don't think she'd let me
888
00:37:50.190 --> 00:37:53.599
have that responsibility but i do offer But it's.
889
00:37:53.760 --> 00:37:56.059
A tricky one. I also don't want to get it wrong.
890
00:37:57.559 --> 00:38:00.739
If we go on holiday, I'll book it. I'll get
891
00:38:00.860 --> 00:38:04.289
all the insurance. I'll do all the travel and whatnot.
892
00:38:04.349 --> 00:38:08.289
And then Laura is going to do the packing. That's delegating,
893
00:38:08.309 --> 00:38:11.849
isn't it? Do you know when we were pregnant with Etta,
894
00:38:12.659 --> 00:38:14.619
this is one of the beautiful things about, I was
895
00:38:14.659 --> 00:38:17.190
talking about it before about all the standups sort of,
896
00:38:17.690 --> 00:38:19.869
it was brilliant. Like when you were young and you
897
00:38:19.909 --> 00:38:22.150
started out in comedy and you quickly develop all these
898
00:38:22.210 --> 00:38:24.889
heroes and you're working with guys who are married and
899
00:38:24.969 --> 00:38:27.150
they've got all the kids and you just, it's not
900
00:38:27.190 --> 00:38:29.329
just about their career, but you also sort of, you're
901
00:38:29.349 --> 00:38:32.030
learning about what kind of bloke you want to be.
902
00:38:32.079 --> 00:38:34.000
And I used to ask a lot of questions and
903
00:38:34.019 --> 00:38:37.519
I remember Adam Bloom, who's a brilliant comedian. We went
904
00:38:37.559 --> 00:38:39.739
out for a bite to eat. We were working away
905
00:38:39.780 --> 00:38:43.449
together and he's, you know, he's a fair bit older
906
00:38:43.469 --> 00:38:46.369
than me, but he's got a real enthusiasm, hasn't he,
907
00:38:46.510 --> 00:38:49.070
Adam Bloom? Yeah, very intense, isn't he? He's intense, but
908
00:38:49.090 --> 00:38:51.550
he's also a beautiful person and I love his energy.
909
00:38:51.610 --> 00:38:55.090
And he's one of those people that wouldn't mind being
910
00:38:55.130 --> 00:38:59.739
given a sincere bit of advice. And he just, he
911
00:38:59.760 --> 00:39:01.820
was like, can you do something for me, Dan? Just
912
00:39:01.980 --> 00:39:05.340
remember when you're going into this and you become parents
913
00:39:05.360 --> 00:39:11.929
with your partner, just make sure you do stuff separately
914
00:39:12.090 --> 00:39:15.860
like don't try and do everything together like especially when
915
00:39:16.199 --> 00:39:18.960
the baby's born don't think you have to both be
916
00:39:19.019 --> 00:39:22.639
on every walk just just tag in and tag out
917
00:39:22.960 --> 00:39:25.650
like make sure that one person is doing it while
918
00:39:25.670 --> 00:39:28.269
the other person just rests and feels like a human
919
00:39:28.869 --> 00:39:30.739
even if it's just for an hour and a half.
920
00:39:31.440 --> 00:39:33.900
And then he said, when, when you're a few years in,
921
00:39:34.039 --> 00:39:38.480
make sure that you spend time together and have conversations
922
00:39:38.500 --> 00:39:43.219
that aren't just about parenting. Um, it, like two really
923
00:39:43.280 --> 00:39:45.500
good bits of advice that i've passed on because i
924
00:39:45.539 --> 00:39:48.389
think initially that feeling of when you have a baby
925
00:39:48.429 --> 00:39:51.630
for the first time it's so it's such a shock
926
00:39:51.690 --> 00:39:53.829
to your life isn't it especially when your first is
927
00:39:53.869 --> 00:39:59.219
born like everything changes in an instant and um and
928
00:39:59.429 --> 00:40:01.920
and then the temptation is to try and do everything
929
00:40:01.980 --> 00:40:05.300
together but i think that's so so intense and then
930
00:40:05.320 --> 00:40:09.610
when you're older you Yeah, just that thing of, are
931
00:40:09.630 --> 00:40:12.170
you still a couple or are you just like co-workers
932
00:40:12.489 --> 00:40:15.800
in a company that raises children? Like I try and
933
00:40:16.099 --> 00:40:19.559
have date nights where we talk about other.
934
00:40:19.360 --> 00:40:20.000
Stuff as well.
935
00:40:20.039 --> 00:40:22.260
What do you talk about on date nights? Asking for
936
00:40:22.280 --> 00:40:22.599
a friend.
937
00:40:24.119 --> 00:40:27.780
Idiot, how old are yours, Josh? Sorry, I don't, I shouldn't.
938
00:40:27.840 --> 00:40:30.099
Six and two. So just a year younger than yours.
939
00:40:30.139 --> 00:40:30.340
Right.
940
00:40:30.440 --> 00:40:33.559
So yeah, okay. Yeah, it is still full on, isn't it?
941
00:40:33.739 --> 00:40:35.550
When the two, I mean, it's always full on. It's brilliant,
942
00:40:35.590 --> 00:40:36.090
but it's full on.
943
00:40:36.090 --> 00:40:39.500
I can feel it's, less month even month by month
944
00:40:39.539 --> 00:40:41.980
you're like this is just so much easier than life
945
00:40:42.039 --> 00:40:44.269
has been for the last six years.
946
00:40:46.230 --> 00:40:47.530
You know what I mean?
947
00:40:47.550 --> 00:40:49.599
When you just take little lines out.
948
00:40:49.550 --> 00:40:51.400
Of this chat.
949
00:40:51.440 --> 00:40:52.840
Just do things separately.
950
00:40:54.739 --> 00:40:56.119
Just talk to each other about other things.
951
00:40:56.139 --> 00:40:57.900
Talk to each other about, and you're like, well, what
952
00:40:57.980 --> 00:40:58.760
is not parenting?
953
00:40:58.800 --> 00:41:03.719
Just slag off people from school and nursery.
954
00:41:04.420 --> 00:41:06.019
It does get easier, doesn't it?
955
00:41:06.090 --> 00:41:10.210
Any kid under three, life is really tough, I think.
956
00:41:10.650 --> 00:41:15.900
And I'm not going back, so we're... No.
957
00:41:16.639 --> 00:41:19.239
Laura has had her tubes tied in a bit of
958
00:41:19.280 --> 00:41:23.780
a two-for-one when Jack was born. Oh, okay. When Jack
959
00:41:24.079 --> 00:41:26.190
was born, I was the birthing partner for Jack. I
960
00:41:26.230 --> 00:41:29.170
wasn't Laura's birthing partner for Etta.
961
00:41:29.610 --> 00:41:33.050
Who was it, the dad?
962
00:41:33.449 --> 00:41:34.230
It was Adam Bloom.
963
00:41:35.929 --> 00:41:36.469
He was so involved.
964
00:41:36.489 --> 00:41:39.280
So it was two C-sections. Yeah.
965
00:41:45.369 --> 00:41:48.250
Two emergency C-sections, so two for two on that one.
966
00:41:49.090 --> 00:41:53.170
Jack was five weeks prem. Yeah, so it was all
967
00:41:53.210 --> 00:41:56.639
a bit of a shock. And it happened really quick.
968
00:41:56.679 --> 00:41:58.860
And I wasn't meant to be the birthing partner for
969
00:41:58.940 --> 00:42:01.639
Jack either, but Laura got a bit scared because he
970
00:42:01.659 --> 00:42:03.000
was so premature and asked for me.
971
00:42:03.019 --> 00:42:05.960
Who got the elbow?
972
00:42:06.619 --> 00:42:06.860
Pardon?
973
00:42:07.239 --> 00:42:07.980
Who got the elbow?
974
00:42:08.300 --> 00:42:12.440
So what happened there was Laura's older sister, Becca, who is...
975
00:42:12.929 --> 00:42:17.190
the best, when she was having her son, Finn, Laura
976
00:42:17.210 --> 00:42:20.349
was in there as a birthing partner. And when we
977
00:42:20.389 --> 00:42:25.269
were pregnant with Etta seven or eight years ago, Laura
978
00:42:25.309 --> 00:42:27.750
just knows I'm a bit squeamish with stuff. I remember
979
00:42:27.789 --> 00:42:30.480
she had a coil put in when we first got
980
00:42:30.519 --> 00:42:33.920
together and I was in the room and I nearly
981
00:42:34.800 --> 00:42:43.030
hit the deck. It was really bad. I can't exactly
982
00:42:43.070 --> 00:42:44.670
remember what was happening, but it was like Laura's body.
983
00:42:44.690 --> 00:42:48.150
It's almost like Laura had an allergic reaction to it
984
00:42:48.170 --> 00:42:50.110
and had to have it taken out pretty quickly after
985
00:42:50.429 --> 00:42:52.030
having it put in. It just wasn't taken.
986
00:42:52.849 --> 00:42:53.909
And she was in a bit of pain.
987
00:42:53.969 --> 00:42:56.199
And so I was in the room with her and
988
00:42:56.530 --> 00:42:58.760
Laura and the nurse that were doing it were like,
989
00:42:58.960 --> 00:43:00.440
are you all right? Do you need to leave the room?
990
00:43:00.500 --> 00:43:03.460
So I think early on, Laura's like, this man has
991
00:43:04.860 --> 00:43:06.639
some things to offer, but it's not sort of like
992
00:43:06.960 --> 00:43:12.440
medical assistance. And- she sort of said, listen, I don't
993
00:43:12.639 --> 00:43:15.099
need you there. If you're going to be a bit
994
00:43:15.139 --> 00:43:18.360
of a flap, if you're going to pass out, I'd
995
00:43:18.480 --> 00:43:22.170
rather Becca was there because we've done this together. Obviously
996
00:43:22.210 --> 00:43:23.170
you need to be there.
997
00:43:23.190 --> 00:43:24.510
And I was like, do you know what?
998
00:43:24.690 --> 00:43:27.409
If you're happy with that, I'll just be like tech
999
00:43:27.429 --> 00:43:31.719
support in the hospital. like you're in the the because
1000
00:43:31.760 --> 00:43:33.610
we didn't even know we were got again we were
1001
00:43:33.630 --> 00:43:37.530
about five six days premature with etta laura was in
1002
00:43:38.090 --> 00:43:41.750
labor but we didn't realize we actually went for a
1003
00:43:41.829 --> 00:43:45.110
midwife appointment about four o'clock because laura's like i'm just
1004
00:43:45.150 --> 00:43:47.989
having these pains and like oh there's a little bit
1005
00:43:48.010 --> 00:43:50.710
of fluid and we went in like idiots we've been
1006
00:43:50.750 --> 00:43:55.170
to all these like um like classes beforehand and getting
1007
00:43:55.190 --> 00:43:57.250
ready for it and hadn't realized that we're in labor.
1008
00:43:57.650 --> 00:44:00.170
The midwife was like, right. So there's fluid and you're
1009
00:44:00.190 --> 00:44:05.230
having these repeat pains. What do you think it could
1010
00:44:05.289 --> 00:44:09.230
be guys? We were like, Oh, don't know. She's like,
1011
00:44:09.250 --> 00:44:09.429
do you.
1012
00:44:09.389 --> 00:44:10.570
Think you might be in labor?
1013
00:44:10.590 --> 00:44:15.289
We were like, Oh yeah. So we went home, got
1014
00:44:15.329 --> 00:44:18.139
all our stuff together, went to the hospital. Um, it
1015
00:44:18.159 --> 00:44:21.639
was a really quiet night in the hospital that night. And,
1016
00:44:23.090 --> 00:44:26.280
they worked out that Etta was breech, which they hadn't
1017
00:44:26.300 --> 00:44:29.440
realized up until that point. So it became like a,
1018
00:44:30.139 --> 00:44:32.539
is it an emergency C-section? Yeah, it is, isn't it?
1019
00:44:32.639 --> 00:44:37.219
So it all went pretty quickly and Becca arrived and
1020
00:44:37.260 --> 00:44:41.769
then the surgeon, the sort of doctor was like, right, well,
1021
00:44:42.530 --> 00:44:45.889
we're going to go in now and in about an hour,
1022
00:44:45.909 --> 00:44:47.610
you'll be a dad. Right.
1023
00:44:48.320 --> 00:44:50.269
So I was like, cool. I was like, babe, do
1024
00:44:50.289 --> 00:44:52.070
you need anything? It was all very calm.
1025
00:44:52.090 --> 00:44:55.090
I was like, babe, do you need anything? She was like, no, no,
1026
00:44:55.170 --> 00:44:57.909
I'm absolutely fine. So I could do with maybe if
1027
00:44:57.929 --> 00:44:59.809
we're staying over tonight, I haven't got a pillow. I
1028
00:45:00.050 --> 00:45:01.889
was like, I'll sort it. Don't worry, I'm tech support.
1029
00:45:01.909 --> 00:45:04.849
I was like, there's no point trying to buy a pillow.
1030
00:45:05.110 --> 00:45:08.849
I might as well just drive home and get her
1031
00:45:08.929 --> 00:45:11.889
a pillow. That'll be better. So I drove home. I
1032
00:45:11.949 --> 00:45:14.010
was like, I've really made good time here. It's just
1033
00:45:14.090 --> 00:45:16.960
a Tuesday evening. I tell you what I'll do. I'll
1034
00:45:16.980 --> 00:45:22.679
have a quick shower. So I'm saying it now, I'm cringing.
1035
00:45:23.760 --> 00:45:25.820
I was having a shower as my first child was
1036
00:45:25.860 --> 00:45:29.699
being born. I got Laura's stuff and pillows and I
1037
00:45:29.739 --> 00:45:33.179
got something else that had been forgotten, like slippers or something.
1038
00:45:33.630 --> 00:45:35.449
And I drove past a co-op and I was like,
1039
00:45:35.550 --> 00:45:38.469
she'll want some fresh fruit, a nice drink or something.
1040
00:45:38.909 --> 00:45:40.150
So I did a little mini shop.
1041
00:45:41.349 --> 00:45:43.329
And then about 10 minutes from the hospital, I got
1042
00:45:43.349 --> 00:45:46.230
a phone call from my sister-in-law saying, you're a dad,
1043
00:45:46.369 --> 00:45:48.849
where are you? And I was next to a golf
1044
00:45:48.869 --> 00:45:52.489
course about 10 minutes from the hospital. So I sped
1045
00:45:52.530 --> 00:45:54.340
all the way back.
1046
00:45:54.840 --> 00:45:56.920
And a quick round.
1047
00:45:57.719 --> 00:45:59.679
The whole point of that was to get the car
1048
00:45:59.739 --> 00:46:02.199
out of the expensive car park and find some free parking.
1049
00:46:02.219 --> 00:46:04.119
At the end of it, I ended up just going
1050
00:46:04.159 --> 00:46:08.139
back into the expensive car park. I rushed in, pillow, grapes,
1051
00:46:08.559 --> 00:46:12.829
a Lou Cassade, and then... burst into tears when I
1052
00:46:12.869 --> 00:46:18.630
saw Retta. That was an instant, like the guilt of
1053
00:46:18.690 --> 00:46:22.929
not being instantly there, the annoyance of like, why did
1054
00:46:22.969 --> 00:46:25.340
you go for a shower, you muppet? And then just
1055
00:46:25.389 --> 00:46:27.829
seeing your child, I was like, it was too much.
1056
00:46:28.150 --> 00:46:30.510
And I really went as well. Like, it wasn't like
1057
00:46:30.610 --> 00:46:34.289
a little bit. I bawled when I saw it.
1058
00:46:34.550 --> 00:46:36.840
Proving the point that you shouldn't have been there. Do
1059
00:46:36.860 --> 00:46:39.139
you know what I mean? Like, if you went at
1060
00:46:39.179 --> 00:46:41.340
that point, you wouldn't have been a good birthing part.
1061
00:46:41.360 --> 00:46:46.010
That was a mess. I was going to say, what
1062
00:46:46.030 --> 00:46:47.769
was it like the second time when you were actually there?
1063
00:46:49.070 --> 00:46:49.329
Fine.
1064
00:46:49.670 --> 00:46:51.469
It wasn't too much for you?
1065
00:46:51.550 --> 00:46:54.469
I stayed up chatting to Laura. I didn't go down
1066
00:46:54.489 --> 00:46:57.860
the business end. You know, when the curtains are up,
1067
00:46:58.139 --> 00:47:00.219
people are like, I just don't know how you resist
1068
00:47:00.400 --> 00:47:00.820
having a look.
1069
00:47:00.840 --> 00:47:04.019
I was like, I have some self-control there.
1070
00:47:04.219 --> 00:47:05.460
Yeah, you're not good with it.
1071
00:47:05.460 --> 00:47:06.699
I was just chatting with Laura.
1072
00:47:07.280 --> 00:47:09.139
Did it make you sad that you weren't there for
1073
00:47:09.159 --> 00:47:10.769
the first one when it was actually not as bad
1074
00:47:10.809 --> 00:47:13.050
as you thought it was going to be in the room?
1075
00:47:13.130 --> 00:47:14.730
Or you could actually deal with it?
1076
00:47:16.139 --> 00:47:16.969
It's such a little.
1077
00:47:17.679 --> 00:47:19.710
I think people put a lot of importance on it,
1078
00:47:19.719 --> 00:47:25.059
don't they? Like, I've been there at every other moment since. Like,
1079
00:47:25.119 --> 00:47:28.539
I was there 12 to 15 minutes after she was born,
1080
00:47:28.559 --> 00:47:31.920
and I've been there... 12 to 15 minutes. I paid
1081
00:47:32.000 --> 00:47:36.960
parking twice, guys. No, yeah, I wasn't sad, you know. Like,
1082
00:47:37.639 --> 00:47:39.219
we were literally going to do it again. I was like,
1083
00:47:39.260 --> 00:47:41.840
if this works and you're happy and I'm not flapping.
1084
00:47:42.119 --> 00:47:46.019
But as soon as you're there, it's, I think... you
1085
00:47:46.059 --> 00:47:48.159
know it's more important than you, don't you? You're just like,
1086
00:47:48.179 --> 00:47:52.010
this is obviously huge. Laura needs me. So you're just there.
1087
00:47:52.550 --> 00:47:57.090
And as a comedian, I can't believe I didn't see
1088
00:47:57.110 --> 00:47:58.570
it from this point of view. When you're a comic,
1089
00:47:58.590 --> 00:48:00.429
you just want to do stuff so you experience life
1090
00:48:00.469 --> 00:48:03.199
because essentially that's what a comedian's job is, isn't it?
1091
00:48:03.219 --> 00:48:06.079
It's to live a life and then just report back
1092
00:48:06.159 --> 00:48:10.039
on it and just sort of account how weird human
1093
00:48:10.079 --> 00:48:15.820
existence is. And I nearly didn't experience... labor and child
1094
00:48:16.360 --> 00:48:19.000
like not that you're experiencing it properly but no but
1095
00:48:19.019 --> 00:48:22.900
you're there it was phenomenal being there we were Laura
1096
00:48:22.920 --> 00:48:26.000
was in labor for ages and she was like I
1097
00:48:26.019 --> 00:48:27.920
wanted to I want to do this naturally I'm not
1098
00:48:27.960 --> 00:48:30.539
even sure I want gas and air and then at
1099
00:48:30.679 --> 00:48:33.780
hour 18 when the diamorphine was offered my god.
1100
00:48:33.420 --> 00:48:36.670
She was on it so And when they did the
1101
00:48:36.730 --> 00:48:37.969
tubes in that.
1102
00:48:38.210 --> 00:48:39.110
She was there.
1103
00:48:39.130 --> 00:48:41.889
For one, they were like, well, just not... That was
1104
00:48:41.909 --> 00:48:44.920
an agreed thing beforehand, right? They weren't like, what were.
1105
00:48:44.940 --> 00:48:45.039
What?
1106
00:48:45.059 --> 00:48:47.980
I don't think it had been said before. Laura was
1107
00:48:48.699 --> 00:48:55.639
honestly like after-party bollocksed. LAUGHTER At one point, after she'd
1108
00:48:55.659 --> 00:48:57.480
had the dimorphin, she was like, I'm not even sure
1109
00:48:57.500 --> 00:48:58.260
I'm in labor anymore.
1110
00:48:58.280 --> 00:49:01.159
I was like, baby, you are still in labor, but
1111
00:49:01.179 --> 00:49:02.530
you high as a kite.
1112
00:49:03.190 --> 00:49:04.909
And yeah, I don't know if you should, you're probably
1113
00:49:04.949 --> 00:49:08.690
not able to make those decisions, but even though she
1114
00:49:08.710 --> 00:49:12.869
was munted, she was like, yeah. So while they got
1115
00:49:12.909 --> 00:49:17.150
Jack out and did the sort of Lion King moment,
1116
00:49:19.630 --> 00:49:21.420
and yeah, while she was there she was like while
1117
00:49:21.440 --> 00:49:24.360
we're here do you want do you want your tubes tied.
1118
00:49:25.099 --> 00:49:28.380
Wow that's a real bad review of you as a
1119
00:49:28.400 --> 00:49:29.559
person Dan she's.
1120
00:49:29.420 --> 00:49:38.690
Like this guy why has he brought grapes and lucasade.
1121
00:49:36.889 --> 00:49:39.190
I'd have your tubes tied rather than go through this again.
1122
00:49:40.780 --> 00:49:42.469
Did he have to stay in hospital Jack because he
1123
00:49:42.489 --> 00:49:44.929
was five weeks premature was you in there for a bit.
1124
00:49:44.969 --> 00:49:49.590
Mate he was great there was no he was brilliant
1125
00:49:49.630 --> 00:49:50.670
he was healthy.
1126
00:49:50.289 --> 00:49:52.710
He was about oh really yeah wow.
1127
00:49:52.920 --> 00:49:55.349
Six and a half pounds he was fat sound He.
1128
00:49:55.329 --> 00:49:56.949
Would have been an absolute whopper, wouldn't he, if he
1129
00:49:56.969 --> 00:49:57.349
stayed in?
1130
00:49:57.449 --> 00:49:58.389
Oh, it's a big lad.
1131
00:49:59.130 --> 00:50:00.530
And so what do you think happened there?
1132
00:50:00.570 --> 00:50:04.010
Did they get the timings wrong or does some babies just,
1133
00:50:04.260 --> 00:50:05.179
is it quicker than others?
1134
00:50:05.300 --> 00:50:05.920
How does it work?
1135
00:50:05.940 --> 00:50:12.420
I think it was all the smoking that Laura was doing. No,
1136
00:50:12.920 --> 00:50:17.090
I honestly don't know, but it wasn't a problem. It
1137
00:50:17.130 --> 00:50:18.730
wasn't an issue at all. Amazing.
1138
00:50:18.769 --> 00:50:20.630
What else is on the do not say list?
1139
00:50:21.269 --> 00:50:22.190
Have you got it on WhatsApp?
1140
00:50:22.800 --> 00:50:24.199
Did she actually WhatsApp it to you?
1141
00:50:24.260 --> 00:50:25.320
No, she didn't.
1142
00:50:25.800 --> 00:50:30.489
She genuinely loves this podcast so much more than mine.
1143
00:50:31.429 --> 00:50:35.599
No one likes their partner's work. No one likes it.
1144
00:50:35.929 --> 00:50:42.510
What did she– she's ended it. She's not been very negative.
1145
00:50:43.849 --> 00:50:47.510
She was– what she put– she's put Etta co-slept until
1146
00:50:47.550 --> 00:50:48.289
she was six.
1147
00:50:49.269 --> 00:50:49.489
Jack.
1148
00:50:49.969 --> 00:50:53.360
Was in his own room at three months old. Oh, wow.
1149
00:50:53.420 --> 00:50:54.099
Wow.
1150
00:50:54.119 --> 00:50:57.280
That's a real difference. We still sleep separately.
1151
00:50:58.340 --> 00:50:59.139
What, you and Laura?
1152
00:50:59.719 --> 00:51:00.780
Yeah.
1153
00:51:01.099 --> 00:51:05.610
As soon as Etta was born, because I was coming
1154
00:51:05.650 --> 00:51:09.170
in from gigs, and then Etta was in bed with Laura,
1155
00:51:09.269 --> 00:51:11.710
and that genuinely went on until about a year, a
1156
00:51:11.750 --> 00:51:12.510
year and a bit ago.
1157
00:51:12.530 --> 00:51:15.389
So what's the setup now then?
1158
00:51:16.260 --> 00:51:18.800
So I've got my room. Laura's got her room.
1159
00:51:19.360 --> 00:51:22.860
Jack usually falls asleep next to Laura, has his milk,
1160
00:51:23.019 --> 00:51:25.449
goes to sleep. And then she pretty quickly gets him
1161
00:51:25.469 --> 00:51:27.329
in his own bed and he stays there all night now.
1162
00:51:28.170 --> 00:51:30.269
And Etta's got her room.
1163
00:51:30.650 --> 00:51:32.730
And do you think you've got too used to the
1164
00:51:32.929 --> 00:51:34.050
joy of having your own room?
1165
00:51:36.260 --> 00:51:39.599
Uh, so I'm, I'm in two minds because it is, it's,
1166
00:51:40.039 --> 00:51:41.539
it's better in the sense that.
1167
00:51:41.599 --> 00:51:43.960
Let's deep dive on this. I'm loving this.
1168
00:51:44.320 --> 00:51:45.949
Are you all in the same bed?
1169
00:51:46.010 --> 00:51:46.789
Do you know what, Rob?
1170
00:51:46.809 --> 00:51:49.250
My question about whether hanging out with young guys without
1171
00:51:49.309 --> 00:51:52.050
kids on the podcast is, uh, is difficult.
1172
00:51:52.309 --> 00:51:54.130
That's been put on ice. No one gives a fuck
1173
00:51:54.170 --> 00:51:54.829
about that anymore.
1174
00:51:54.849 --> 00:51:56.699
We're asking about co-sleeping to the end of the pod.
1175
00:51:56.710 --> 00:51:58.809
We've spoke about this before, about how much nicer it
1176
00:51:58.869 --> 00:52:00.440
is to sleep in your own bed without someone in,
1177
00:52:00.469 --> 00:52:02.519
if you just want to properly sleep when you're really tired.
1178
00:52:02.579 --> 00:52:02.719
Yeah.
1179
00:52:02.980 --> 00:52:05.000
And stuff. And sometimes you go and sleep in the
1180
00:52:05.039 --> 00:52:06.860
spare bed. It's actually a little bit, it's quite a
1181
00:52:06.880 --> 00:52:11.659
nice little tree. But we've never, well, we've never met
1182
00:52:11.679 --> 00:52:14.630
somebody who's actively doing it. And it's come from the kids,
1183
00:52:14.670 --> 00:52:15.730
but it's working out now.
1184
00:52:16.010 --> 00:52:19.010
Mate, this isn't a spare room. It's my room.
1185
00:52:19.730 --> 00:52:20.630
So it's actually.
1186
00:52:20.650 --> 00:52:21.050
We have.
1187
00:52:21.730 --> 00:52:22.449
so.
1188
00:52:22.250 --> 00:52:29.829
It's totally all your stuff in the room this.
1189
00:52:27.670 --> 00:52:31.889
Isn't spare i'm in it it's mine it's got my
1190
00:52:31.929 --> 00:52:35.570
shit in it i've got a spider-man duvet cover i've
1191
00:52:35.610 --> 00:52:37.329
regressed so where are.
1192
00:52:37.210 --> 00:52:42.550
Your clothes which wardrobe are your clothes in the wardrobe
1193
00:52:42.570 --> 00:52:43.500
that's in my room.
1194
00:52:45.300 --> 00:52:46.260
Oh, this sounds so bad.
1195
00:52:46.480 --> 00:52:47.440
Listen, we're doing great.
1196
00:52:47.500 --> 00:52:50.590
Have you got on swing? We're doing great. No, I'm
1197
00:52:50.610 --> 00:52:52.639
not saying you're not, but so when do you.
1198
00:52:52.650 --> 00:52:56.170
No, it's in a different building. We're living separately. We've
1199
00:52:56.190 --> 00:53:00.130
got another house. No, we're good.
1200
00:53:01.389 --> 00:53:04.619
Laura is the most beautiful person I've ever been anywhere near,
1201
00:53:04.699 --> 00:53:08.219
but she sleeps like a dying walrus. It's so.
1202
00:53:09.889 --> 00:53:12.619
I think she's gorgeous and she's so beautiful, but she's
1203
00:53:12.699 --> 00:53:19.159
so noisy. Like, guttural, frightening sounds. And she's hotter than
1204
00:53:20.099 --> 00:53:26.650
the sun. It's her midriff when she's sleeping. It's winter, summer.
1205
00:53:27.090 --> 00:53:31.269
It's like a radioactive sort of throbbing. And I can't...
1206
00:53:32.250 --> 00:53:35.019
It's like spoon in a kiln. I can't do it.
1207
00:53:36.610 --> 00:53:41.789
So we've... we pretty happily just went, she feels like
1208
00:53:41.889 --> 00:53:44.710
she's waking me up. I'm a bit of a needy sleeper.
1209
00:53:44.730 --> 00:53:47.170
I've got like earplugs in. I'm just, I don't know.
1210
00:53:47.829 --> 00:53:49.679
And we've just got in these lanes now.
1211
00:53:50.679 --> 00:53:52.320
And so do you think you'll ever go back?
1212
00:53:52.739 --> 00:53:55.360
But I will say this, you do worry. Now that
1213
00:53:55.400 --> 00:53:56.960
the kids are getting older, you're like, oh, this isn't
1214
00:53:57.340 --> 00:54:01.340
as practical. It's not, it was so necessary before, especially
1215
00:54:01.360 --> 00:54:03.909
when Etta was in bed with Laura. It just wasn't
1216
00:54:03.949 --> 00:54:09.070
an option. And you do start worrying about, Yeah, does
1217
00:54:09.110 --> 00:54:11.650
it have an effect on the physicality of your relationship?
1218
00:54:11.809 --> 00:54:15.659
The alibi that allowed you to sleep apart for six
1219
00:54:15.699 --> 00:54:19.260
years has now disappeared. So now it's become a conscious choice.
1220
00:54:20.110 --> 00:54:23.650
Yeah, and so it's not necessarily a good thing. But
1221
00:54:23.690 --> 00:54:24.309
it doesn't mean.
1222
00:54:24.809 --> 00:54:26.960
If you're happy and you've got a great relationship and
1223
00:54:26.980 --> 00:54:29.300
you're both sleeping well, just because it's not the norm
1224
00:54:29.340 --> 00:54:32.820
of how people do it doesn't mean it's wrong if
1225
00:54:32.840 --> 00:54:33.679
it's working for you.
1226
00:54:34.179 --> 00:54:37.699
Oh, listen, I'm not bothered about norms. I don't know
1227
00:54:37.719 --> 00:54:38.329
if there is a lot of.
1228
00:54:38.480 --> 00:54:41.340
There's value in sleeping next to your partner, I think.
1229
00:54:41.360 --> 00:54:41.809
Oh, I see.
1230
00:54:41.889 --> 00:54:43.820
I think there's something....
1231
00:54:44.920 --> 00:54:45.539
There's a.
1232
00:54:45.559 --> 00:54:46.260
A closeness.
1233
00:54:46.619 --> 00:54:49.159
Yes. Just before bed, just before you fall asleep and
1234
00:54:49.260 --> 00:54:51.389
just as you wake up, I think there's a real
1235
00:54:51.800 --> 00:54:53.929
sort of close connection time with someone.
1236
00:54:54.210 --> 00:54:54.409
Yeah.
1237
00:54:54.429 --> 00:54:56.010
Just before you nod off and just when you're, like,
1238
00:54:56.090 --> 00:54:57.010
stirring in the morning.
1239
00:54:57.190 --> 00:54:58.429
I'm not talking about sex either.
1240
00:54:58.449 --> 00:55:00.389
No, no, I mean that. I mean either. I'm saying, yeah.
1241
00:55:00.550 --> 00:55:02.429
Do you think there's... You know how she does with
1242
00:55:02.449 --> 00:55:04.329
your son? Do you think maybe you could fall asleep
1243
00:55:04.369 --> 00:55:06.230
next to her and then she'd carry you through to
1244
00:55:06.250 --> 00:55:06.730
the other room?
1245
00:55:06.750 --> 00:55:13.409
LAUGHTER just fall asleep sweating from the.
1246
00:55:13.349 --> 00:55:16.050
Heat is it a 50 50 split though or is
1247
00:55:16.130 --> 00:55:17.889
one you know are you loud sleeper as well is
1248
00:55:17.929 --> 00:55:19.510
she quite happy to be away from you do you
1249
00:55:19.530 --> 00:55:20.090
snore and.
1250
00:55:20.400 --> 00:55:23.460
I sleep on my front so i don't snore right
1251
00:55:23.940 --> 00:55:25.780
i think if you're a front sleeper.
1252
00:55:25.340 --> 00:55:27.019
You just suffocate into the pillow.
1253
00:55:26.880 --> 00:55:34.519
Yeah like a weird and who's got the better room No, well,
1254
00:55:34.539 --> 00:55:38.920
they're both nice. Mine's slightly bigger, I suppose. But again,
1255
00:55:38.980 --> 00:55:41.900
I didn't ask for that. We've done that thing since
1256
00:55:41.920 --> 00:55:46.050
we bought the house. I think I've been in two bedrooms.
1257
00:55:46.090 --> 00:55:49.110
The kids have been in two bedrooms. We've all sort
1258
00:55:49.150 --> 00:55:50.789
of swapped and found the right rooms.
1259
00:55:50.809 --> 00:55:50.989
Yeah, yeah.
1260
00:55:51.969 --> 00:55:54.610
And Laura just likes the room that she's in. They're
1261
00:55:54.630 --> 00:55:59.579
all quite similar sizes, actually. My worry is the physicality,
1262
00:55:59.599 --> 00:56:01.579
because I think there's a lot to be said for
1263
00:56:01.619 --> 00:56:05.800
that affection that happens just because you're with each other.
1264
00:56:05.820 --> 00:56:07.590
Like you say, as you go to bed, just a
1265
00:56:07.610 --> 00:56:10.849
little smooch and a cuddle. And honestly, left to my
1266
00:56:10.889 --> 00:56:13.530
own devices, my bedroom does have the internet.
1267
00:56:13.550 --> 00:56:13.809
Yeah.
1268
00:56:16.659 --> 00:56:17.300
I know.
1269
00:56:17.360 --> 00:56:20.219
Do you know what I mean? I do feel like
1270
00:56:20.340 --> 00:56:23.940
I've gone back to being just a little horny 16-year-old
1271
00:56:23.960 --> 00:56:25.420
who's like, no, don't come in!
1272
00:56:26.619 --> 00:56:29.539
So what, Christmas morning, the kids come in and they're
1273
00:56:29.559 --> 00:56:34.460
excited for Christmas. What room are they going in first?
1274
00:56:35.360 --> 00:56:38.900
Christmas morning, they go to wake mummy up and then
1275
00:56:38.920 --> 00:56:40.000
they come to wake me up.
1276
00:56:40.840 --> 00:56:42.599
So you're missing out on the initial....
1277
00:56:44.050 --> 00:56:45.829
It's a bit like the childbirth thing.
1278
00:56:46.030 --> 00:56:48.190
I miss out on the first 15 minutes of life,
1279
00:56:48.230 --> 00:56:50.250
but I've been there ever since. I miss out on
1280
00:56:50.269 --> 00:56:55.050
the first 90 seconds of Christmas Day and then we're off. Mate,
1281
00:56:55.889 --> 00:56:59.190
I accidentally, as we were setting up for Christmas, this
1282
00:56:59.250 --> 00:57:02.909
is last year actually, we've got a log burner and
1283
00:57:02.949 --> 00:57:05.360
I was trying to tidy it up a little bit
1284
00:57:05.510 --> 00:57:07.340
just to make it look like it was, you know,
1285
00:57:07.360 --> 00:57:09.019
we were doing the sort of carrot.
1286
00:57:08.699 --> 00:57:11.570
Thing You're setting up for Santa to come.
1287
00:57:11.849 --> 00:57:15.449
Yeah, totally. And I stupidly opened the log burner because
1288
00:57:15.469 --> 00:57:16.530
I was just going to give it a little bit
1289
00:57:16.550 --> 00:57:21.800
of a clean and loads of soot and ash went
1290
00:57:21.920 --> 00:57:26.199
on in front of the log burner. I was like, oh,
1291
00:57:26.199 --> 00:57:28.079
I've made a real mess. And then I thought, oh,
1292
00:57:28.159 --> 00:57:30.440
this is beautiful. I'll just leave it open a bit.
1293
00:57:30.739 --> 00:57:32.760
I'll push more of the ash out. And I went
1294
00:57:32.780 --> 00:57:35.929
and got a welly and pressed a welly.
1295
00:57:35.909 --> 00:57:37.300
Imprint into the.
1296
00:57:37.920 --> 00:57:39.619
Oh, that's good.
1297
00:57:39.639 --> 00:57:40.280
That's good.
1298
00:57:40.559 --> 00:57:42.820
As we came down in the morning, I could see,
1299
00:57:42.900 --> 00:57:44.539
so this is last year, so Etta would have been
1300
00:57:45.199 --> 00:57:50.219
like five, six, the real magic. You know when you're like,
1301
00:57:50.239 --> 00:57:53.820
fucking nailed the actual magic because it honestly looked like
1302
00:57:53.920 --> 00:57:56.260
Santa had come through the log burner and there was
1303
00:57:56.340 --> 00:57:58.489
a dirty boot print. It was brilliant.
1304
00:57:59.050 --> 00:58:01.329
Oh, good work. Yeah, I've seen that one. If you've
1305
00:58:01.829 --> 00:58:06.260
got a proper traditional fire, the footprints is... Yeah. Top
1306
00:58:06.300 --> 00:58:07.880
draw parenting.
1307
00:58:08.219 --> 00:58:08.940
Absolutely.
1308
00:58:09.469 --> 00:58:11.210
Did you want to ask about the podcast, Josh?
1309
00:58:11.449 --> 00:58:14.769
Well, no, I just, I'm imagining what it's like because
1310
00:58:14.929 --> 00:58:18.469
most of my friends now have kids because I don't
1311
00:58:18.650 --> 00:58:21.260
tend to talk about parenting to people that don't have kids.
1312
00:58:21.750 --> 00:58:23.230
Do you know what I mean? If I've got friends
1313
00:58:23.269 --> 00:58:24.329
that are younger, you're like.
1314
00:58:24.369 --> 00:58:25.769
They just don't get it. Yeah.
1315
00:58:26.050 --> 00:58:28.750
Do you find... Are they interested? Would they ask you
1316
00:58:28.769 --> 00:58:31.510
about it and stuff? Because I think when I was 30,
1317
00:58:31.489 --> 00:58:33.090
if my friends had kids, I wouldn't have given a
1318
00:58:33.210 --> 00:58:34.210
flying fuck about it.
1319
00:58:34.210 --> 00:58:36.429
Yeah, silly old fucker's talking about his kids again. Yeah.
1320
00:58:36.469 --> 00:58:37.070
That old fucker.
1321
00:58:37.510 --> 00:58:37.809
Yeah.
1322
00:58:38.030 --> 00:58:38.590
There might be.
1323
00:58:38.789 --> 00:58:40.989
There's maybe a few episodes where you can get that vibe.
1324
00:58:43.949 --> 00:58:47.070
I mean, off... Yeah, but I mean, genuinely, it's fine.
1325
00:58:47.090 --> 00:58:49.920
They're interested. I suppose I wait for them to.
1326
00:58:50.739 --> 00:58:51.179
You're right.
1327
00:58:51.420 --> 00:58:55.820
I wait for them to ask. Unless it's a funny anecdote. Because, like,
1328
00:58:55.860 --> 00:58:57.460
have a word's just trying to be funny. We're not
1329
00:58:57.480 --> 00:58:59.300
trying to change the world. Like, we're just trying to
1330
00:58:59.320 --> 00:59:00.070
make people laugh.
1331
00:59:00.280 --> 00:59:00.869
Unlike us.
1332
00:59:01.110 --> 00:59:02.409
When you are a parent, though, it is literally, like,
1333
00:59:02.429 --> 00:59:03.909
what have you been up to this week? Like, well,
1334
00:59:04.349 --> 00:59:06.150
I did a school run. Then I had to go there.
1335
00:59:06.389 --> 00:59:08.309
You can't not talk about it. It's hard to, like,
1336
00:59:08.570 --> 00:59:12.739
you know, talk about it. up something else that you've done.
1337
00:59:12.900 --> 00:59:15.980
I didn't go to Plymouth Argyle away at Sunderland. Of
1338
00:59:16.059 --> 00:59:17.159
course I didn't do that.
1339
00:59:17.260 --> 00:59:21.190
It's repetitive because it should be because that's doing it properly.
1340
00:59:21.650 --> 00:59:24.909
Like I remember like you go back to your childhood,
1341
00:59:24.949 --> 00:59:28.219
don't you? And like it, my house felt like the
1342
00:59:28.360 --> 00:59:33.059
safest place in the world. And like, that was the base.
1343
00:59:33.099 --> 00:59:35.679
That was the center of the universe. And I want
1344
00:59:36.010 --> 00:59:37.780
the kids to have that as well. Like we live
1345
00:59:37.800 --> 00:59:41.530
in a village just outside Chester and I'm not mad
1346
00:59:41.590 --> 00:59:44.269
keen on the village. It's, it's pretty fucking dull to
1347
00:59:44.309 --> 00:59:49.409
be honest, but it's reassuringly boring. Like sometimes after we've
1348
00:59:49.429 --> 00:59:52.059
got the kids down, Like I've said to Laura, just
1349
00:59:52.119 --> 00:59:56.230
look at the street. It's so deathly quiet. The neighbors
1350
00:59:56.289 --> 01:00:00.150
are friendly and respectful. And for them, for the kids,
1351
01:00:00.170 --> 01:00:02.670
this will feel like the center of their universe. And yeah,
1352
01:00:03.530 --> 01:00:06.599
it's repetitive. We do the same things all the time.
1353
01:00:06.639 --> 01:00:10.420
You have to, that's part of it. Bath time, school drop-off,
1354
01:00:10.480 --> 01:00:13.389
swimming lessons, loads of OAP dicks.
1355
01:00:13.719 --> 01:00:14.610
It's repetitive.
1356
01:00:15.920 --> 01:00:18.760
But that's what good parenting is, isn't it? You've just
1357
01:00:18.820 --> 01:00:20.300
got to be the constant. Yeah.
1358
01:00:20.590 --> 01:00:22.429
Every Thursday we go and see a few old dicks
1359
01:00:22.489 --> 01:00:23.269
and you go for a swim.
1360
01:00:23.949 --> 01:00:24.489
That's life.
1361
01:00:25.030 --> 01:00:26.030
And it's reassuring.
1362
01:00:27.030 --> 01:00:28.869
We don't have to do the swim. We don't have
1363
01:00:28.889 --> 01:00:29.730
to do the term if you.
1364
01:00:29.630 --> 01:00:34.420
Don't want it, but we like the dicks. Dad, we
1365
01:00:34.440 --> 01:00:37.099
always finish on this question. And it's exciting when the
1366
01:00:37.199 --> 01:00:40.550
partner is a listener. Yes, the stakes are higher when
1367
01:00:40.590 --> 01:00:42.969
you know that their partner is a listener. Laura, lovely Laura.
1368
01:00:43.829 --> 01:00:46.130
What's the best thing about Laura? Well, you go, she's
1369
01:00:46.150 --> 01:00:48.730
an unbelievable parent and I'm so happy I've got kids
1370
01:00:48.750 --> 01:00:50.710
with her. But what's the thing she does when she
1371
01:00:50.730 --> 01:00:52.889
does listen to this? If you bring it up and say,
1372
01:00:53.110 --> 01:00:55.079
I find that a bit frustrating, I'd rather she didn't
1373
01:00:55.139 --> 01:00:57.340
do that. what would you say that is?
1374
01:00:57.360 --> 01:01:02.599
I tell you what, given the positive, because whenever I'm
1375
01:01:02.679 --> 01:01:05.860
losing it and I've not got a massive temper, but
1376
01:01:05.900 --> 01:01:07.460
I can get my knickers in a twist.
1377
01:01:07.619 --> 01:01:09.070
I can get very like wound up.
1378
01:01:09.079 --> 01:01:11.639
You know, when a bit of pressure, a little bit
1379
01:01:11.679 --> 01:01:16.300
of stress, Laura has got this amazing ability to go
1380
01:01:16.360 --> 01:01:20.119
the other way. When she sees me going, Like, so
1381
01:01:20.159 --> 01:01:21.949
this morning I was like, I'm doing parenting hell. I
1382
01:01:21.949 --> 01:01:24.250
was like, God, I've not done the, I haven't used
1383
01:01:24.289 --> 01:01:26.929
a webcam on my laptop for ages. And she saw
1384
01:01:26.969 --> 01:01:29.809
me just go in as I'm like, hang on. I
1385
01:01:29.849 --> 01:01:32.730
haven't checked the tech for this and they're going to be.
1386
01:01:32.889 --> 01:01:34.639
And she was like, cool. Don't worry. I've got it.
1387
01:01:35.219 --> 01:01:37.039
You go. I'll just do the school. Cause I was
1388
01:01:37.079 --> 01:01:38.340
meant to be doing the school drop off with her
1389
01:01:38.360 --> 01:01:40.760
this morning. She's amazing at notes. So I now do
1390
01:01:40.780 --> 01:01:42.860
that to her. So we don't have Benny's. So there's
1391
01:01:42.880 --> 01:01:44.920
the positive because she's listening. I love you. I'm so
1392
01:01:44.940 --> 01:01:45.860
scared of you.
1393
01:01:47.250 --> 01:01:50.050
The negative. She does this thing.
1394
01:01:50.369 --> 01:01:52.929
There isn't loads, but I'd say this. She does this
1395
01:01:53.010 --> 01:01:56.449
thing where when we're running baths, I do bath time
1396
01:01:56.489 --> 01:02:00.750
a lot, but when she runs bath, there's, oh, it's
1397
01:02:00.789 --> 01:02:03.409
so annoying. You know when you're running a bath, you
1398
01:02:03.429 --> 01:02:05.610
don't need to be there for the whole running of
1399
01:02:05.650 --> 01:02:08.389
the bath, but you have to judge how much hot
1400
01:02:08.409 --> 01:02:11.550
and how much cold is going in. You know, roughly,
1401
01:02:11.730 --> 01:02:14.110
it takes about five, six, seven minutes. It'll be in
1402
01:02:14.159 --> 01:02:18.030
and around full. I go full on the hot tap.
1403
01:02:18.489 --> 01:02:21.769
I go maybe a third on the cold. This is
1404
01:02:22.309 --> 01:02:25.650
seven years of doing this. You know that roughly, if
1405
01:02:25.670 --> 01:02:29.329
you come back seven, eight minutes later, it'll be in
1406
01:02:29.989 --> 01:02:32.230
and around where you need it to be and roughly
1407
01:02:32.269 --> 01:02:34.840
the right temperature. If you've got it wrong, you can
1408
01:02:34.880 --> 01:02:39.980
slightly adjust. Laura whacks the hot tap on, just fucking
1409
01:02:40.199 --> 01:02:52.849
wanders off. and cooks up a scolding, dangerous, 120-gallon death trap.
1410
01:02:53.630 --> 01:02:55.349
It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable.
1411
01:02:56.909 --> 01:02:58.829
And maybe that's a minor thing.
1412
01:02:59.150 --> 01:03:01.800
No, I'd say that it's a fair comment.
1413
01:03:01.860 --> 01:03:04.179
I'm not even talking about the kids hurting themselves. It
1414
01:03:04.320 --> 01:03:07.300
hurts my hands. You know when you do a test?
1415
01:03:07.480 --> 01:03:09.920
She goes, oh, I've run the bath. Will you just
1416
01:03:09.960 --> 01:03:10.320
test it?
1417
01:03:10.320 --> 01:03:14.610
You're like, no, I'd rather lick molten lava.
1418
01:03:14.630 --> 01:03:18.590
And so then what happens?
1419
01:03:18.610 --> 01:03:20.929
Then she'll do all the hot and then the cold.
1420
01:03:21.170 --> 01:03:21.429
Then.
1421
01:03:22.210 --> 01:03:25.619
Thank you, Josh. Thank you. I haven't finished. I thought
1422
01:03:25.659 --> 01:03:28.130
I'd finished. You're absolutely right. There is then a second
1423
01:03:28.170 --> 01:03:31.489
layer of irritation because then she'll go, oh shit, that's
1424
01:03:31.530 --> 01:03:33.369
too hot, isn't it? I'll tell you what, I'll turn
1425
01:03:33.389 --> 01:03:36.269
the hot off completely and I'll press the, because it's
1426
01:03:36.329 --> 01:03:40.210
so hot, I'll put the cold tap on full. And then,
1427
01:03:40.570 --> 01:03:43.730
because she's a mum, she wanders off because kids are distracting.
1428
01:03:44.250 --> 01:03:47.250
And then another six or seven minutes later, we have
1429
01:03:47.309 --> 01:03:50.449
a lukewarm bath, 14 times bigger.
1430
01:03:50.250 --> 01:03:55.590
Than it needs to be. So, Because I know she's listening.
1431
01:03:55.849 --> 01:03:56.610
I'd very much like that.
1432
01:03:56.690 --> 01:03:59.119
I'd say, you know, it's always a difficult question to ask,
1433
01:03:59.159 --> 01:04:00.239
but I think that's a fair point.
1434
01:04:00.260 --> 01:04:02.239
Yeah, I think that's one of the best and most
1435
01:04:02.480 --> 01:04:04.760
comprehensive answers we've ever got to that question.
1436
01:04:04.820 --> 01:04:06.539
It felt like you've been waiting to be asked that
1437
01:04:06.780 --> 01:04:07.840
for a long time.
1438
01:04:07.949 --> 01:04:09.909
How is that not on the list?
1439
01:04:12.599 --> 01:04:13.420
Dan, thanks so much.
1440
01:04:13.440 --> 01:04:14.199
Thanks so much.
1441
01:04:14.260 --> 01:04:17.320
Have a word podcast. There's loads of episodes you can
1442
01:04:17.360 --> 01:04:19.159
get anywhere. But if you go on Patreon, you can
1443
01:04:19.199 --> 01:04:22.619
sign up to become a Patreon. And you've got your special.
1444
01:04:22.659 --> 01:04:24.480
Social media. Talk to me about social media.
1445
01:04:24.539 --> 01:04:27.019
All my socials, because I knew that it was a
1446
01:04:27.079 --> 01:04:29.179
real all my eggs in one basket sort of thing.
1447
01:04:29.239 --> 01:04:32.460
I changed all my social handles to at Dan has
1448
01:04:32.500 --> 01:04:37.969
a podcast. so um because i do so instagram is
1449
01:04:37.989 --> 01:04:40.670
the main thing uh i'm trying to get a load
1450
01:04:40.690 --> 01:04:42.829
more stand-up clips up there build up i've done two
1451
01:04:42.909 --> 01:04:46.449
tours in the last two years and by the time
1452
01:04:46.510 --> 01:04:48.630
i do another tour i want to really build that
1453
01:04:48.670 --> 01:04:51.239
up so follow us at dan has a podcast on
1454
01:04:51.300 --> 01:04:54.519
tiktok as well and on twitter x but i'm not
1455
01:04:55.000 --> 01:04:56.559
i've had enough of that and if you're on facebook
1456
01:04:57.639 --> 01:04:58.619
That's on you.
1457
01:04:58.820 --> 01:05:01.619
Your podcast is great. You're an absolutely brilliant stand-up.
1458
01:05:01.820 --> 01:05:02.360
Thanks, boys.
1459
01:05:02.449 --> 01:05:04.309
You were sort of a bit more established when I
1460
01:05:04.309 --> 01:05:06.139
started and it was always... the joy to be on
1461
01:05:06.159 --> 01:05:07.559
the bill with you and stuff. And it's great seeing
1462
01:05:07.579 --> 01:05:10.110
you selling out rooms and doing your specials. So you
1463
01:05:10.150 --> 01:05:12.809
gave me the best feedback after gig ever, where you said,
1464
01:05:13.829 --> 01:05:16.409
you went, I was an open mic. You have a
1465
01:05:16.449 --> 01:05:18.909
career in this. This will be your job. And that
1466
01:05:19.030 --> 01:05:22.710
blew my mind. You were so good at standup and
1467
01:05:22.750 --> 01:05:25.860
you'd said that, that gave me so much self-belief. That
1468
01:05:25.900 --> 01:05:26.739
was an amazing.
1469
01:05:26.860 --> 01:05:27.980
It was in Peterborough, wasn't it?
1470
01:05:29.030 --> 01:05:31.380
Yeah, weird gig in Peterborough on a big stage, loads
1471
01:05:31.440 --> 01:05:33.010
of tables full of geezers, wasn't it?
1472
01:05:33.239 --> 01:05:36.900
It was what Jim Jefferies, the brilliant Jim Jefferies said
1473
01:05:36.940 --> 01:05:39.260
to me when I was about five gigs in. He
1474
01:05:39.280 --> 01:05:41.619
was like, you can have a career in this if
1475
01:05:41.639 --> 01:05:46.559
you want it. And I literally wanted to float out
1476
01:05:46.579 --> 01:05:50.519
of the room. Like, and I, yeah, I don't, you
1477
01:05:50.539 --> 01:05:53.199
know what? Weirdly, I don't know why it was you that,
1478
01:05:54.119 --> 01:05:56.739
that i i i don't think i went around for
1479
01:05:56.760 --> 01:06:01.179
the rest of my career going kid you're gonna make.
1480
01:06:01.159 --> 01:06:04.059
It well i think every every act you're on the
1481
01:06:04.099 --> 01:06:06.079
bill with but you got it right with beckett.
1482
01:06:05.840 --> 01:06:08.059
But i think that's why it meant a lot because
1483
01:06:08.079 --> 01:06:10.239
i've it felt like you meant it where if you
1484
01:06:10.260 --> 01:06:12.139
say that to everyone it starts becoming just to something
1485
01:06:12.159 --> 01:06:13.840
you say but yeah that was really really kind.
1486
01:06:13.679 --> 01:06:16.449
I'm gonna run i'm gonna just uh steve wright r.i.p
1487
01:06:16.469 --> 01:06:27.719
the tour dates run corn chalton Liverpool, Longbridge, Hull, Liverpool again, Glasgow, Wigan, Chorley, Runcorn, Cardiff, Stourbridge, Carlisle,
1488
01:06:27.800 --> 01:06:28.559
Grape and Hall.
1489
01:06:28.619 --> 01:06:29.719
Where the fuck's Grape and Hall?
1490
01:06:29.739 --> 01:06:31.739
Somewhere near his house. He don't like travelling anywhere.
1491
01:06:32.389 --> 01:06:36.369
Josh, also Dublin and Southport, Sheffield as well.
1492
01:06:36.429 --> 01:06:39.190
But listen, I'm just doing, this year, I'm just doing
1493
01:06:39.210 --> 01:06:41.659
a Dan Nightingale and friends sort of set up. So
1494
01:06:41.679 --> 01:06:44.960
these are poor dates. So follow us at DanHazardPodcast. Have
1495
01:06:44.980 --> 01:06:48.760
a look. This is me basically comparing and hosting and
1496
01:06:48.800 --> 01:06:50.280
having a bit of a dick around with my mates
1497
01:06:50.340 --> 01:06:51.000
this year.
1498
01:06:51.059 --> 01:06:53.510
So many places I've not heard of.
1499
01:06:53.659 --> 01:06:55.449
It sounds like the Tories trying to get the Red
1500
01:06:55.489 --> 01:06:57.190
Wall back going on a tour around there.
1501
01:06:58.070 --> 01:07:00.329
Mate, if you read that out again. Talk to me
1502
01:07:00.389 --> 01:07:01.369
about Grapple Hall.
1503
01:07:01.590 --> 01:07:01.989
Grapple Hall.
1504
01:07:02.010 --> 01:07:07.139
It's near Warrington. Where I'm gigging this year essentially looks
1505
01:07:07.199 --> 01:07:11.730
like the Super League table. That's... Long Ridge? Where's Long Ridge?
1506
01:07:11.809 --> 01:07:12.789
If there's angry working.
1507
01:07:12.550 --> 01:07:14.789
Class people in the north, I'm doing a Dan Nightingale
1508
01:07:14.809 --> 01:07:18.170
and Friends gig there.
1509
01:07:18.230 --> 01:07:20.030
Anyway, good luck with it, Dan. I know Dan has
1510
01:07:20.090 --> 01:07:21.230
a pod on social media.
1511
01:07:21.369 --> 01:07:21.869
Cheers, mate.
1512
01:07:21.909 --> 01:07:22.309
Thank you.
1513
01:07:22.670 --> 01:07:23.150
Cheers, man.
1514
01:07:23.369 --> 01:07:29.489
Thanks, guys. Hello, I'm Marcus Brigstocke.
1515
01:07:29.570 --> 01:07:30.500
And I'm Rachel Parris.
1516
01:07:30.659 --> 01:07:33.960
This is How Was It For You, a review-based podcast.
1517
01:07:34.400 --> 01:07:36.349
We're going to be asking each other, how was.
1518
01:07:36.250 --> 01:07:38.989
It for you? It was pretty good, Rachel. About all
1519
01:07:39.070 --> 01:07:40.030
sorts of different things.
1520
01:07:40.070 --> 01:07:40.769
Things we've eaten.
1521
01:07:41.110 --> 01:07:41.769
Things we've seen.
1522
01:07:42.110 --> 01:07:43.030
Places we've been.
1523
01:07:43.130 --> 01:07:44.010
Things we've smelled.
1524
01:07:44.230 --> 01:07:45.590
People we've met sometimes.
1525
01:07:45.659 --> 01:07:48.539
Those will have to talk about them without giving away
1526
01:07:48.599 --> 01:07:49.239
who they were.
1527
01:07:49.360 --> 01:07:51.119
And that will be the challenge you as a listener
1528
01:07:51.159 --> 01:07:51.699
can enjoy.
1529
01:07:52.000 --> 01:07:53.599
Exactly. You can get all of
1530
01:07:53.639 --> 01:07:55.840
The episodes in the places where podcasts are.