S01 EP11: Jack Dee

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Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe.
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And I'm Rob Beckett.
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Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob
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and I discuss what it's like to be a parent
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during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky.
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Yeah!
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Yeah!
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So, in an effort to make some kind of sense
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of the current situation... And to.
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Make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills.
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Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about
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how well they're coping.
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Or hopefully not.
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And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with
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your tales of lockdown parenting woe.
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Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing.
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Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Rob Mackett! And...
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Dosh Widdicombe. Excellent. Yeah, happy with those two?
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A lot of energy on the Beckett there, and then
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it sort of trailed off.
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Rob Beckett and Dosh Widdicombe.
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Dosh Widdicombe, yeah, eight years of Last Leg.
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Absolutely Keiko Beiko, do you know what?
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Well, do you know what even worse? These people, this
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is Molly, who is a two-and-a-half-year-old Australian.
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Oh.
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So, you know, Last Leg should have really cut through
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over there as well, annoyingly.
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Yeah, she was minus six when that show started.
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LAUGHTER Molly has been stuck in an apartment with only
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her dad for company for much of the lockdown as
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her mum, Jen, is a health worker. They've been getting
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increasingly frustrated with each other to the extent she has
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recently told her dad to just go and watch the
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news when he annoyed her first thing in the morning.
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I get told, don't see me. Go away.
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Don't look at me.
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Go away. I'm not sure if we have discussed this before.
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That is always bittersweet, isn't it? Because you think, oh,
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license to not have to do the parenting.
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Well, yeah, exactly.
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And then you want to be wanted, but you don't
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want to be wanted when you're knackered.
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I've got something I need to get off my chest
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about parenting. Go on. I cannot tell you. How much
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I hate paddling pools. Oh, the worst. Yeah, I'm with you.
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I've banned them in my house.
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They're just an absolute, there's no point of the paddling
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pool process that isn't horrific piece of shit in your life.
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Yeah, it gets too dirty, it's slippy, it ruins the grass,
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takes ages to fill up.
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Really difficult to MD.
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Yeah, the kid's going in for about a second, you
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have to watch them the whole time in case they
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just lie in it, face down, for no reason.
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It's the ultimate death trap. It's not fun for them, really.
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Slipping or drowning are the two things that you're thinking about,
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so there's no relaxing for the parent. No.
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Can you swim, Josh?
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Can you swim? I can't really swim, no, but I could.
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Yeah, are you scared around water?
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I'm not scared around a paddling pool, no. LAUGHTER I'm short, Rob,
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and I can't swim, but it's not that big a
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paddling pool. LAUGHTER Um, so she straight away is filling
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it with shit, filling it with stuff. Yeah. So we've
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got a ball, like a little ball pool that we bought.
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Yeah.
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Every single ball has gone in the paddling pool and
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then combined with paper and toys and, and then I'm
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just left to fish all this shit out and then
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try and dispose of all this water onto a lawn,
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which it's just the whole thing has been awful. And
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then they'll just want to do it again. Yeah.
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That is the problem with kids. They do want to
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keep doing stuff over and over again, even if it
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is boring. But what I do now is you can
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get little sprinkler things. You can get just a sprinkler
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that put that up. They can run through it. Or
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there's this like big tube thing that fills up. You
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plug the hose into it, fills up with water and
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then spurts out of it like a sort of water
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feature type thing that they can jump on.
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So that's good. Better than a paddling pool.
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I used to love the sprinkler. I used to love
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the sprinkler when I was a kid. Running through the
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sprinkler was the best. Probably the happiest I've ever been
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in my whole life, actually, running through the sprinkler as
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a child. I was thinking about this earlier, and you've
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just done it again. I think we should really have
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a jingle and a feature, which is for when you
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suggest an item that people can buy to make their
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lives better, because it happens at least once on every episode.
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Am I an annoying parent though? Because I hate parents.
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No, I don't. I think you're just like, it feels
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like you've been moonlighting for QVC or something.
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So you've got all these great ideas. I should bring
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up merch. Beckett, the Beckett sprinkler.
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Um how have you been rob.
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Yeah not too bad the potty training has come on
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we've had two days in a row of poo in
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potty not in knickers and we have got a giant
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box of toys though and she gets a toy like
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not like expensive toy went down home bargains and got
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basically plastic that you're not allowed to buy because it
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ruins the world but at this stage of my life
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i'm willing to take that risk for my own sanity.
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For shitting a potty.
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Yeah.
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For shitting a potty, I'm willing to add to the
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plastic problem.
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That's my life.
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Okay.
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That's my truth. When my kids are a bit older,
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I'll stop.
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That's your truth.
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That's my truth.
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What a truth it is as well.
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Yeah.
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I'm willing to have a piece of plastic shit to
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get a shit in a potty. That is totally acceptable,
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I think.
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I will use single use plastic. I'm sorry. I feel
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like you're not backing me up on this, Josh, because
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you do the last leg.
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No, I just haven't got to the point where I'm
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hanging you up to dry, mate. Once this conversation has
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been written down and reprinted in the Daily Mail, I'll
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look clean as a whistle.
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Oh, God, you'll look great.
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It'll just say, Widdicombe sat there in silent judgment. So
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that's going well.
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Oh, yeah, so it's going well.
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We're pooing in the potty, and she's very happy and
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excited about it.
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So, yeah, morale is very good.
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And also, we're at the point now where people can
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come around in the afternoon in the garden and be...
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two meters apart so morale's good we're seeing people and
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my my kids are back to school preschool next monday
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which i'm very excited about yours starts this week doesn't.
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She wednesday she goes back to nursery on wednesday um
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they've removed the sandpit from nursery because obviously that is
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a corona disaster waiting to happen yeah we've got all
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the information we've got our slots i managed to i
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feel like i've got an akado slot we've got the
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slot we wanted which was at the earliest possible drop
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off and the latest possible pickup absolutely delighted with.
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That absolutely first class that's what you wanted that's what
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everyone's going for earliest drop off what times you got We've.
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Got between 8.30 and 8.50 drop off. I don't know
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if I'm like, I've just got visions of pegging it
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down the street at 8.48. I'm going to miss a chance.
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Because they can't go in, can they then?
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No, I don't know what would happen. We'd just be
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stuck outside. And then we've got our pickup, I think
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is 5.10 to 5.30.
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Oh, that is a long day.
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Our one's more of a preschool, so it's 9 till 3.30,
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but their new hours are 10 till 2, so it's
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only a lot shorter.
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But, yeah, that's enough.
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It's enough for a little break.
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It's enough. I'll let you know how it goes. I'll
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let you know how the drop-off went.
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I do feel sorry for those kids, though, that go
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to breakfast school, whatever it is, and they get dropped
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off at, like, half seven in the morning.
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And then get picked up at six again. That's hard work,
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isn't it? That's difficult.
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It's a long old day for a kid, mate.
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Yeah.
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It's a much longer day's work than I've ever done
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in my life.
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Oh, mate, yeah.
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I didn't do that long when I worked at Sainsbury's.
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Do you think they should unionise those children? Because those
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are actually, their human rights are being broken by the
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length of those hours. Do you know what?
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I think it would be really good for kids because
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a lot of the time parents do that because they
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have to because of their commute. But if they're working
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from home now, they can start work at nine. They
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don't have to leave and get the train for an
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hour and a half up to London or Manchester or
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wherever they're going so that they can, you know, drop
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the kid off about eight o'clock-ish rather than dropping them
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off at silly o'clock.
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So... I just wouldn't tell my child I was working
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from home. It's that simple. I'd just drop them off
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at Brexit Club, then I'd just sit in the car
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alone for an hour and a half.
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Yeah, but then what happens is, Josh, that's fine until
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they get to about 13 and start talking to their mates,
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and that's when the hatred and resentment start, because they
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know what you did. And they'll be like, yeah, but
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my friend, his dad, only used to drop them off
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at 10 till.
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2, and then I'll be the best one, and you'll
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look evil.
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LAUGHTER Well, you play the wrong game, Rob, and I
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am going to be enjoying an episode of Pointless and
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no one will disturb me. Right. Correspondence.
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It's the lockdown parody mailbag.
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But it's actually emails and there's no bag.
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This is from Alex Smith. Hi, Rob and Josh. I've
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just listened to your fabulous podcast with Izzy Sooty. What
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an absolute bloody legend her other half sounds. Taking inspiration
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from your Simon Sam correspondent. So he's done some maths here.
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An extra four hours in bed a day, which is
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what Izzy gets over Ellis. equates to 28 hours a week,
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which equates to 122 hours a month. Or, to put
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it another way, Izzy is having 61 extra days in
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bed per year. Oh! Imagine that! Two months! She's got
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two months extra in bed.
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When Ellis hears about this....
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We've got to get him on and read these facts
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to him.
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That is mind-blowing. He's got an extra 61 days in bed.
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Do you know what? We've had a lot of love
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for Ellis. That has been the greatest PR drive Ellis
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has ever done in his life, that podcast.
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He's going to be welcomed.
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Onto this podcast like a kind of the king of parenting.
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It's going to be unbelievable.
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I'm talking about the Teresa figure. This is a St. Ellis.
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Oh, I can't wait to speak to him about it. Izzy, obviously,
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has done herself a world of damage with that interview,
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but there we go. Some win, some loses. Right. We've
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discussed before bedtime routine and the things you have to
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do to get your child to go to bed. This
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is from Karen Gumbel. Dear Rob and Josh, you asked
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for tales of other people's bedtime routines, and we had
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quite a weird one. When my son was about two
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and a half, he's currently five, he started to have
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to do a dance before bed. We would have to
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sit and be his audience and play music from our phones. Well,
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he danced and jumped about like a nutcase, jumping off
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the bed, etc. Most requested tunes were Adam and prince
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charming beastie boys fight for your right to party or
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the theme tune from iron man cartoon he watches on
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netflix Bedtime would take forever, as it would also include
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a bath or shower, trying to catch him running about
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naked afterwards, getting him dressed, the dancing, and at least
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two stories, plus cuddling him until he went to sleep. Oh,
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my God. God. These things, these routines that you get
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in before putting a child in bed are... absolutely the
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most soul-sapping thing in the world once you realize you've
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got another bit locked in my daughter to put on
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my wife's shoes and walk through from the bedroom to
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her room now which takes at least five minutes and
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is i mean obviously it's pointless yeah but it's so
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heartbreaking every day when you realize that's the next bit
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that you've got coming up.
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Could I suggest something?
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I don't, here we go.
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This is what I always try and do is try
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and make.
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What they're trying to do more fun and exciting, but quicker.
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So you can be like, Oh my God, mommy's got
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turbo shoes today. And as she's walking, pick her up
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and go turbo shoes and like, just carry her into
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the room fast and go, Oh my God, did you
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see what the shoes did today? Have you told mommy
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what the shoes did? And then she's like, Oh my God,
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I've got turbo shoes. And then it's sort of, we'll
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speed up the process.
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Do you know what? I'm going to do that. And
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then I'll report back on how turbo shoes went.
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Good. Well, let's see.
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But that's, that's what, that's all my, it's my instinct
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is to add something more fun to it.
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I think that's what this was. It'll Gumball. Was it
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Karen Gumball?
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Yeah.
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Karen Gumball there.
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Obviously her son loves the Ironman song and that's the
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song he wants to dance to. And they slipped in
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these new suggestions that will be funny for them to watch.
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Oh, so you don't think he's a fan of the
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Beastie Boys?
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I don't think so. It might be a bit before
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his time. He's only five, isn't he?
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If you have anything you want to get in touch
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with us about that we've discussed or will discuss for
285
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the rest of the episode, if you want Ellis James' number,
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that kind of thing. Yeah, or.
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Or if you've got a question that I will give you,
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what would Rob Beckett do?
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Yes.
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That's the feature.
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Yes.
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So you've got the shoes waddling to the bedroom, yeah,
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that's slowing you up, hold off her turbo shoes. So
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if you've got any other problems or any other bedtime
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routine things or stuff with kids, ask us and I'll
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tell you what I'd do. I'm not saying it might
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be the right thing, but it's what I'll do with
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my kids.
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By the end of this, you're going to be like,
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like when we were growing up, there was that woman,
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Claire Rayner, who was like the kind of agony aunt
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of the nation. You're going to be like, you're going
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to be like super nanny.
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I'm going to sniff out a book deal and then
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a TV show.
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I'm just going to stroll around in a suit and
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be like, this is what Rob Beckett would do.
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Turbo shoes on that whingy little bitch.
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Imagine if you got brought in by nightmare parents on
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like that. Parents are having a disaster and you turn
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up on Channel 4 for an hour.
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What would R.B.
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Do? R.B.
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Beckles here.
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It would be incredibly watchable, but I don't know how
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it would go down for the nation.
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Get rid of the paddling pool.
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It's sprinkler time. Stuff like that.
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Right. Where have we got to?
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Let's introduce our guest. So the guest this week, an
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absolute barnstormer, Josh. One of the most famous comedians in
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the country. One of the best comedians we've ever produced.
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The legend that is Jack D.
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Hello, Jack D, how are you? I'm very well, thank you, Josh. Yeah, you? Yeah,
325
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I'm all right, yeah. That's not very on brand for you,
326
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being very well.
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Well, this is, in a way, I feel I'm in
328
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my element now. It's what I've waited for all my life.
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Everyone's miserable and frightened and staying in, you know. Well,
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I'm not being facetious about it, of course. Part of
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the thing is that you can't, One of the worst
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things is when people say, oh, how are you? You know,
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you go, well, how do you think I am? Was
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there a pandemic on?
335
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Have you not read the news?
336
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I'm like everyone else. I am worried and bored.
337
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That's how I am.
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What's your setup at home, Jack? How many kids have
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you got?
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Are they still at home or are they in their
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own places?
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Well, I've got four children and my kids are grown up,
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so they don't necessarily live here all the time, although
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we are observing strict regulations.
345
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Of course we are.
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One of them lives in Barnard Castle.
347
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She has 20-20 eyesight, which we're very proud of.
348
00:14:16.289 --> 00:14:18.830
But now I've got two sons who are living with
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us all the time because they've come back from university.
350
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They're both at universities.
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And so they've been doing, one has been doing his
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finals and one has been doing end of year exams.
353
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And so that's been, you know, that sort of background
354
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tension of people not looking forward to exams and stuff.
355
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So are they doing the exams from home? How does
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that work?
357
00:14:35.720 --> 00:14:39.220
Yeah, well, they have this open book exam thing, which
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I think, which is what I always thought was cheating.
359
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But....
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They're allowed to do their exams on the internet. They,
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you know, they get emailed the exam paper at nine o'clock.
362
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They have to hand it in at 12. And I
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suppose it's like whatever you can do.
364
00:14:55.299 --> 00:14:57.350
I just, you know. Yeah. Are you invigilating?
365
00:14:58.090 --> 00:15:01.450
I'm just, yeah, I'm walking up and down making sarcastic
366
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comments over their shoulder.
367
00:15:04.350 --> 00:15:05.570
Oh, you didn't want to put that.
368
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Yeah.
369
00:15:08.230 --> 00:15:10.950
And they're twins, aren't they? So your two sons are twins.
370
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They're twins.
371
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So they're both 22, and they're non-identical, so they're very,
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very different. So it's not like you've got two kind
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of identical freaks going around the place. LAUGHTER I couldn't
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have any telepathy and all that going on at the table.
375
00:15:31.529 --> 00:15:36.500
That would not work for me. If they had been identical,
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I think I would have just done eeny, meeny, miny,
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moe and sold one of them. I just wouldn't want
378
00:15:43.659 --> 00:15:44.519
that going on, would you?
379
00:15:44.539 --> 00:15:46.000
It'd be horrible.
380
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They speak their own little language and everything.
381
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What was the moment like when you realised that you
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were going to have three, but now you're going to
383
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have four children?
384
00:15:56.190 --> 00:15:59.509
Well, the news was broken to me actually by Hattie,
385
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who's our eldest daughter.
386
00:16:00.669 --> 00:16:02.909
She was then, she was, she was what, six.
387
00:16:03.149 --> 00:16:07.100
And I got paid, I was working at ITV and
388
00:16:08.039 --> 00:16:10.720
I got paid to go to the front desk. And
389
00:16:11.320 --> 00:16:13.679
when I turned up, Jane, my wife was there with
390
00:16:13.720 --> 00:16:17.120
Hattie and Phoebe, our two daughters. And my memory is
391
00:16:17.179 --> 00:16:20.620
Hattie running towards me with this photo, the scan photo
392
00:16:20.639 --> 00:16:21.139
of saying.
393
00:16:21.159 --> 00:16:23.330
There are two of them, there are two of them.
394
00:16:23.850 --> 00:16:26.049
Really exciting, because we hadn't found out until it was
395
00:16:26.070 --> 00:16:31.250
about a 20-week scan or something. And the guy doing
396
00:16:31.269 --> 00:16:33.220
the sort of thing, he said, oh, have we told
397
00:16:33.250 --> 00:16:34.340
you if they're identical or not?
398
00:16:34.360 --> 00:16:37.080
And Jane said, what? And that's how we found out.
399
00:16:37.100 --> 00:16:38.120
What are you talking about?
400
00:16:38.159 --> 00:16:38.259
Wow.
401
00:16:44.240 --> 00:16:45.600
We were lucky there because we'd already had.
402
00:16:45.559 --> 00:16:48.820
Two children, so we kind of knew a bit about
403
00:16:48.879 --> 00:16:51.320
how to look after babies and kids and stuff like that.
404
00:16:51.419 --> 00:16:54.059
I think I've got friends, and you probably know people
405
00:16:54.100 --> 00:16:56.940
as well, who have twins first time round, and I
406
00:16:56.980 --> 00:17:00.899
just don't know how they cope with that. Because that
407
00:17:00.980 --> 00:17:03.019
is a bad enough shot with one of them, isn't it?
408
00:17:03.120 --> 00:17:07.000
You know, one baby will ruin your life. What did
409
00:17:07.160 --> 00:17:10.619
two do at the same time? Two of them coming in,
410
00:17:10.640 --> 00:17:11.920
I mean, just awful.
411
00:17:11.960 --> 00:17:16.099
Yeah. So what's it like having twins? Are you putting
412
00:17:16.140 --> 00:17:18.460
them down to bed at the same time? Are you
413
00:17:18.500 --> 00:17:20.380
trying to bath? Is it all like you're just trying
414
00:17:20.400 --> 00:17:22.609
to double team them in that sense?
415
00:17:22.849 --> 00:17:27.349
No, they were never in sync with each other. They
416
00:17:27.390 --> 00:17:29.509
could never kind of like both be hungry at the
417
00:17:29.549 --> 00:17:31.710
same time, both be tired at the same time. They
418
00:17:31.769 --> 00:17:36.869
did shift work. That's what it was. LAUGHTER So it
419
00:17:37.009 --> 00:17:40.130
was 24-hour full-on. You'd have one would fall asleep, the
420
00:17:40.150 --> 00:17:41.690
other one wake up, and so you have to get
421
00:17:41.730 --> 00:17:43.049
them out of the room in case they wake the
422
00:17:43.089 --> 00:17:46.650
other one up. It really was chaos. In fact, a
423
00:17:46.690 --> 00:17:48.730
couple of times we just hired a nanny, me and Jane,
424
00:17:48.779 --> 00:17:50.839
and just went away to a hotel for the weekend
425
00:17:50.859 --> 00:17:56.960
to sleep. Literally, just a hotel down the road. It
426
00:17:57.000 --> 00:17:59.220
wasn't even a nice hotel, just going down there. It
427
00:17:59.259 --> 00:18:00.799
was an ibis down the road. We just went there
428
00:18:00.819 --> 00:18:01.819
to sleep for 25 hours.
429
00:18:06.660 --> 00:18:08.180
Was there a point though where you thought they might
430
00:18:08.200 --> 00:18:10.400
be identical because i swear all babies are the same
431
00:18:10.839 --> 00:18:12.680
it was you just looking at them going are you
432
00:18:12.740 --> 00:18:14.509
sure they're not and then eventually they.
433
00:18:14.569 --> 00:18:17.529
No one one one of them is quite quite a
434
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lot chunkier than the other one charlie comes out first
435
00:18:20.190 --> 00:18:22.109
and he's the big bruiser he was taking up all
436
00:18:22.130 --> 00:18:24.970
the space and then and then and then miles comes
437
00:18:25.150 --> 00:18:28.619
out and uh And he's a little bit more sort
438
00:18:28.759 --> 00:18:31.480
of petite and small, but, you know, I mean, he's great.
439
00:18:31.740 --> 00:18:33.539
And then the doctor goes, right, let's see what number
440
00:18:33.579 --> 00:18:39.519
three is. And Jane nearly... LAUGHTER Jane practically fell off
441
00:18:39.539 --> 00:18:41.960
the table. And he goes, oh, just joking. I said, yeah,
442
00:18:41.980 --> 00:18:43.599
all right, all right, just leave that to me.
443
00:18:43.640 --> 00:18:47.099
LAUGHTER That is a great line.
444
00:18:47.140 --> 00:18:48.019
Though, for someone to.
445
00:18:48.019 --> 00:18:49.920
I know, but I felt like I said, look, I
446
00:18:49.960 --> 00:18:53.599
know the safe limits of humour in my household. LAUGHTER
447
00:18:53.619 --> 00:18:54.960
And you've gone way past it.
448
00:18:54.980 --> 00:18:58.190
LAUGHTER Do they get on well then? They do.
449
00:18:58.269 --> 00:19:00.180
They do get on well because, I mean, partly they
450
00:19:00.200 --> 00:19:03.660
get on well because they're complete opposites to each other.
451
00:19:03.700 --> 00:19:06.690
And that, I think, is... one of the sort of
452
00:19:06.890 --> 00:19:09.630
redeeming features if you have twins who decide not to
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00:19:09.710 --> 00:19:12.940
be like each other or just aren't anyway. And they,
454
00:19:13.180 --> 00:19:15.319
right from day one, would not do the same thing
455
00:19:15.359 --> 00:19:17.500
as each other. So if they were doing the same homework,
456
00:19:18.119 --> 00:19:20.039
one would do colouring in and the other one would
457
00:19:20.079 --> 00:19:22.460
decide not to colour in and just scribble over it
458
00:19:22.519 --> 00:19:24.849
or something. And it would just be... It was always,
459
00:19:24.869 --> 00:19:27.869
I will not do what he does and vice versa.
460
00:19:27.910 --> 00:19:28.490
So they're never.
461
00:19:28.849 --> 00:19:31.990
They were never competing, never trod on each other's territory.
462
00:19:32.289 --> 00:19:33.890
So in that respect, it's quite good. And I always
463
00:19:33.910 --> 00:19:35.920
think if you put them together, you'd have the perfect human.
464
00:19:35.940 --> 00:19:40.400
But they just have very, very, very opposite views.
465
00:19:41.880 --> 00:19:43.579
Have you clashed with them at all since coming back
466
00:19:43.599 --> 00:19:46.130
from uni? Because they're like adults now, just having two
467
00:19:46.170 --> 00:19:46.930
blokes in your house.
468
00:19:47.890 --> 00:19:48.549
It's nice, though.
469
00:19:48.569 --> 00:19:48.970
It's great.
470
00:19:49.029 --> 00:19:51.099
I've really enjoyed having them. around actually because you know
471
00:19:51.119 --> 00:19:53.160
when they come downstairs you got someone to have a
472
00:19:53.180 --> 00:19:56.440
beer with and you know and uh charlie especially does
473
00:19:56.480 --> 00:19:59.279
all his working out in the garden because he's big
474
00:19:59.319 --> 00:20:01.559
into rugby and training and stuff like that. So he's
475
00:20:01.599 --> 00:20:05.349
pretty serious about that. And Miles is big into his music.
476
00:20:05.470 --> 00:20:09.890
And so there's loads of conversations going on. I've enjoyed that.
477
00:20:10.269 --> 00:20:12.920
You know, they do, once they get to, you know,
478
00:20:12.960 --> 00:20:16.400
beyond 19 or something, they're quite nice company.
479
00:20:16.420 --> 00:20:16.500
Yeah.
480
00:20:17.519 --> 00:20:20.299
Not long, Rob, not long. Not that long. Yeah, you've
481
00:20:20.319 --> 00:20:21.279
got that to look forward to.
482
00:20:21.279 --> 00:20:24.240
20 years time, I can have a bath, the wife.
483
00:20:23.849 --> 00:20:27.109
And my daughter. Or a beer.
484
00:20:27.170 --> 00:20:28.130
It'll be 2040 by then.
485
00:20:28.630 --> 00:20:29.730
Yeah.
486
00:20:29.750 --> 00:20:32.970
So were you a baby? A four-year-old and a two-year-old.
487
00:20:32.990 --> 00:20:35.950
Oh, yeah, a two-and-a-half-year-old. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah, I
488
00:20:35.950 --> 00:20:36.450
remember that.
489
00:20:36.509 --> 00:20:38.910
That's that constant attention. How did you find it when
490
00:20:38.930 --> 00:20:41.250
they were that age? Because you must have had, well,
491
00:20:41.269 --> 00:20:43.289
you know, when they were babies, was it four under
492
00:20:43.329 --> 00:20:44.890
the age of six would you have had?
493
00:20:45.230 --> 00:20:46.220
Yeah, we did at one point.
494
00:20:46.339 --> 00:20:50.299
And it was, I mean, as I've sort of highlighted,
495
00:20:50.799 --> 00:20:54.920
outlined some of it already, it was very, very difficult
496
00:20:54.960 --> 00:20:57.930
at times because you just, there was never a day
497
00:20:57.970 --> 00:21:00.509
when everyone was on top form. So there was, I
498
00:21:01.109 --> 00:21:03.430
can remember thinking, will there ever come a day when
499
00:21:03.670 --> 00:21:09.259
one of the children doesn't ruin everything? LAUGHTER There is,
500
00:21:09.759 --> 00:21:12.299
none of them have got, you've got to have, to
501
00:21:12.339 --> 00:21:14.420
have four of them on good form. The chances of
502
00:21:14.460 --> 00:21:17.690
that are like guessing someone's combination lock on their bike
503
00:21:17.769 --> 00:21:22.569
or something. It's not going to happen ever. And that
504
00:21:22.609 --> 00:21:25.410
doesn't really even out until they got to about, well,
505
00:21:25.470 --> 00:21:30.480
at least to secondary school, I think. Were you working
506
00:21:30.519 --> 00:21:33.799
a lot at the time? Oh, I never stopped working.
507
00:21:34.180 --> 00:21:36.950
As soon as the boys were born, I rang Addison,
508
00:21:37.450 --> 00:21:39.190
my agent at the time, just said, look, book me
509
00:21:39.250 --> 00:21:40.509
a tour. And he says, what do you mean?
510
00:21:40.809 --> 00:21:41.750
I don't care where I go.
511
00:21:41.769 --> 00:21:44.609
Book me a tour. I want to be away from
512
00:21:44.650 --> 00:21:48.759
home for the next eight months at least. And then
513
00:21:48.779 --> 00:21:52.240
I literally had a tour manager turns up in a nice,
514
00:21:52.279 --> 00:21:55.480
comfortable car, just crawled in the backseat and slept. I
515
00:21:56.000 --> 00:21:58.559
woke up in Bolton or somewhere, did a show, stayed
516
00:21:58.579 --> 00:22:00.720
in the hotel, and then made out to my wife
517
00:22:00.740 --> 00:22:05.339
that I was working hard. It was the only way
518
00:22:05.359 --> 00:22:07.759
I could get through it. Just run away. Basically run away.
519
00:22:10.200 --> 00:22:13.039
And who are these comedians who bring their children with them?
520
00:22:13.359 --> 00:22:14.259
Oh, Christ.
521
00:22:14.299 --> 00:22:16.759
What's the point? What's the point of being a comedian
522
00:22:17.039 --> 00:22:19.440
if you take your children around with you? Why would
523
00:22:19.460 --> 00:22:24.240
you do that? You know, Edinburgh Festival is a month.
524
00:22:24.279 --> 00:22:27.690
You've got a free pass for a month. And then
525
00:22:27.710 --> 00:22:29.529
you see these people letting the whole side down by, oh,
526
00:22:29.869 --> 00:22:31.730
I've got my children with me. They love it here.
527
00:22:31.750 --> 00:22:34.950
Yeah, because then other people go, well, they went up
528
00:22:34.970 --> 00:22:35.569
with their kids.
529
00:22:35.730 --> 00:22:38.700
Yeah, I know, but their kids are simple. They just
530
00:22:38.799 --> 00:22:41.660
like being, you know, you paint their face and they're
531
00:22:41.680 --> 00:22:42.500
happy all day, aren't they?
532
00:22:42.539 --> 00:22:43.500
They're not like our kids.
533
00:22:44.220 --> 00:22:45.500
They need to be more stimulated.
534
00:22:45.519 --> 00:22:51.319
Yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah. What are you doing with your
535
00:22:51.339 --> 00:22:53.400
days then, Jack, in lockdown? We bought a dog.
536
00:22:53.420 --> 00:22:54.940
I've done quite a lot of cooking. I've done all
537
00:22:54.980 --> 00:22:58.529
that stuff. I'm a bit of a cliche, really. We've
538
00:22:58.569 --> 00:23:03.009
made banana bread. I haven't done the sourdough thing. I
539
00:23:03.049 --> 00:23:05.170
think that is unfair. I don't think anyone should be
540
00:23:05.210 --> 00:23:09.230
doing sourdough unless they've actually... Because really, to be qualified
541
00:23:09.269 --> 00:23:12.089
to make sourdough bread, you need to have... retired from
542
00:23:12.170 --> 00:23:14.750
a uh a lucrative job in the city have a
543
00:23:14.750 --> 00:23:18.779
nervous breakdown and and retrain as an artisan baker and
544
00:23:18.819 --> 00:23:21.160
i think us all just showing how easy it really
545
00:23:21.259 --> 00:23:23.799
is is just it's unfair on them they've gone through
546
00:23:23.859 --> 00:23:26.299
all that trouble of having a of having a life
547
00:23:26.359 --> 00:23:30.589
crisis and now we're just all doing it do you.
548
00:23:30.529 --> 00:23:32.730
Miss your kids being young then jack or does it
549
00:23:32.769 --> 00:23:35.890
feel like you like i'm glad not.
550
00:23:35.750 --> 00:23:38.230
To be going back there Well, I think this is why,
551
00:23:38.509 --> 00:23:42.680
you know, people actually love grandchildren. It's because you get
552
00:23:42.740 --> 00:23:45.940
that second go at it and there's no pressure on
553
00:23:45.980 --> 00:23:47.920
you to be a great parent or to have them
554
00:23:47.980 --> 00:23:51.180
for the full time. Because I can now look at
555
00:23:51.539 --> 00:23:54.559
kids that age and say, oh, they're so cute, aren't they?
556
00:23:54.599 --> 00:23:55.980
And you see a lot of them now out and
557
00:23:56.000 --> 00:23:58.900
they're picnicking with their parents and stuff on the common. And,
558
00:23:59.920 --> 00:24:02.759
you know, obviously kids are adorable, aren't they?
559
00:24:02.779 --> 00:24:03.400
Like puppies.
560
00:24:03.440 --> 00:24:05.059
You can't not like them. But it's when you've got
561
00:24:05.079 --> 00:24:07.210
to look after them full time it becomes– more of
562
00:24:07.250 --> 00:24:10.640
a problem. So I sometimes look back on it, but
563
00:24:10.960 --> 00:24:14.039
I will never forget what it was like. I can't
564
00:24:14.079 --> 00:24:15.369
forgive them. I can't forgive them.
565
00:24:18.140 --> 00:24:22.099
Problem so you obviously well you you would have had
566
00:24:22.140 --> 00:24:24.809
was it no ipads generation for your kids growing up
567
00:24:24.869 --> 00:24:26.490
or were ipads knocking around then.
568
00:24:26.529 --> 00:24:29.089
We did we did we hardly even had drawing pads
569
00:24:29.150 --> 00:24:31.130
and stuff we're just like we're just you know coloring
570
00:24:31.230 --> 00:24:32.849
in it was it was all the old.
571
00:24:32.930 --> 00:24:35.049
We were all old school so yeah.
572
00:24:34.930 --> 00:24:37.500
That stuff never that's that stuff never came in and
573
00:24:37.539 --> 00:24:40.559
i can remember someone um my my my parents you
574
00:24:40.599 --> 00:24:42.319
know you know we treat the kids to an ipad
575
00:24:42.359 --> 00:24:44.720
at christmas don't give them that they don't want an
576
00:24:44.980 --> 00:24:48.710
ipad Once you start down that road, then you've bought
577
00:24:48.789 --> 00:24:51.509
into having to get them updated and get them all
578
00:24:51.529 --> 00:24:54.079
the latest stuff. So it's better just to fool them
579
00:24:54.130 --> 00:24:57.779
into thinking no one can have any of it. And
580
00:24:57.819 --> 00:24:59.640
then they're going to be delighted when they finally get
581
00:24:59.660 --> 00:25:01.779
a job and can buy something for themselves. That's why
582
00:25:01.799 --> 00:25:04.920
I never took them skiing, because I knew they'd enjoy it.
583
00:25:05.059 --> 00:25:08.279
And then I'd be committed to it. I've been committed
584
00:25:08.299 --> 00:25:11.359
to a lifetime of taking them skiing and buying them
585
00:25:11.400 --> 00:25:13.799
new anoraks every year and all that stuff. I just,
586
00:25:14.279 --> 00:25:16.660
you know, make life simple for yourself. Don't make a
587
00:25:16.700 --> 00:25:17.940
rod for your own back like that.
588
00:25:19.549 --> 00:25:22.049
Don't find too many things that are enjoyable or you'll
589
00:25:22.069 --> 00:25:22.650
be trying.
590
00:25:22.470 --> 00:25:23.410
To do it all the time.
591
00:25:23.670 --> 00:25:24.170
Yeah, exactly.
592
00:25:24.190 --> 00:25:26.029
They just want to do it again and again. And,
593
00:25:26.509 --> 00:25:28.950
you know, and that's a problem in itself, isn't it?
594
00:25:30.660 --> 00:25:32.619
Did you watch a lot of TV growing up? You
595
00:25:32.660 --> 00:25:35.460
must've been all over like them. Jack D's happy hour
596
00:25:35.509 --> 00:25:37.190
and like live at the Apollo must've been when they
597
00:25:37.210 --> 00:25:41.109
were kids. Were they watching that? Were they proud of you?
598
00:25:41.569 --> 00:25:45.289
No, they weren't. They weren't watching it. Um, I, and I,
599
00:25:45.589 --> 00:25:47.769
because they weren't old enough, really. That's the truth of it.
600
00:25:47.789 --> 00:25:49.470
They weren't really old enough to be aware of it.
601
00:25:49.529 --> 00:25:52.369
I do remember on one occasion being on an airplane
602
00:25:52.470 --> 00:25:55.829
with the children and, and Hattie was, uh, very, was
603
00:25:55.869 --> 00:25:57.369
actually quite, so it was kind of been all of them, but,
604
00:25:58.099 --> 00:26:01.119
And she was having a bit of a fit about something.
605
00:26:01.599 --> 00:26:04.519
And then the screen came on on the back of
606
00:26:04.559 --> 00:26:06.759
the seat in front of us, you know, the TV screen.
607
00:26:07.079 --> 00:26:11.619
And I was on it. And she looked at that
608
00:26:11.660 --> 00:26:17.910
and looked at me and thought, that's not right. And
609
00:26:17.990 --> 00:26:19.650
she did behave because I gave her a look.
610
00:26:19.710 --> 00:26:21.109
I said, see, that's what I can do.
611
00:26:21.150 --> 00:26:25.759
That's the power I have. She just shut up after that.
612
00:26:25.880 --> 00:26:27.880
It's quite a quiet flight. I think she's been scared
613
00:26:27.900 --> 00:26:28.519
of me ever since.
614
00:26:29.559 --> 00:26:32.359
How was holidaying with that many kids there? Did you
615
00:26:32.400 --> 00:26:34.140
enjoy that or did you try and stay in the UK?
616
00:26:34.180 --> 00:26:35.519
What would you do for holiday?
617
00:26:35.539 --> 00:26:37.759
Well, you know, I never, I just, I could never
618
00:26:37.799 --> 00:26:41.269
see the point in, you know, I've just, that was flying.
619
00:26:41.309 --> 00:26:44.609
We went to Australia for that. That was gigging. And
620
00:26:44.630 --> 00:26:46.089
that was when I couldn't get out of bringing the
621
00:26:46.130 --> 00:26:49.970
children with us. But, um, but with holidays, I, I,
622
00:26:50.150 --> 00:26:51.910
when the boys were born, I just said to Jane,
623
00:26:51.930 --> 00:26:54.130
that's it. We're not, we are not going on a
624
00:26:54.190 --> 00:26:58.440
foreign holiday, uh, at least for 20 years. Cause I'm not,
625
00:26:58.859 --> 00:27:01.839
I'm not flying with all these people. I can't do it.
626
00:27:01.900 --> 00:27:04.880
You can't, you know, you have to hire a whole
627
00:27:04.940 --> 00:27:07.160
plane to get them around the place. They don't care
628
00:27:07.200 --> 00:27:09.059
where they are anyway. We used to go to Dorset
629
00:27:09.099 --> 00:27:10.809
and they didn't, you can tell them in your, you
630
00:27:10.849 --> 00:27:13.470
can tell them you're in Japan. They'll believe you at age. Yeah.
631
00:27:14.359 --> 00:27:17.000
They'll be happy. We went to Dorset. You go over
632
00:27:17.019 --> 00:27:19.980
this little chain ferry. It takes about 12 minutes, and
633
00:27:20.019 --> 00:27:21.759
that's about as far, as long as you want to
634
00:27:21.799 --> 00:27:24.930
be contained in a vehicle with your children. And then
635
00:27:24.970 --> 00:27:26.549
they thought we were in a different country, so they
636
00:27:26.589 --> 00:27:28.609
were happy. It was a slide there, and.
637
00:27:28.549 --> 00:27:29.369
There was, you know.
638
00:27:30.849 --> 00:27:31.849
Did you ever do Disney?
639
00:27:32.089 --> 00:27:34.690
We did Disneyland Paris, you know, Euro Disney it was
640
00:27:34.710 --> 00:27:39.779
called then, and that was pretty dreadful. I'll tell you
641
00:27:39.799 --> 00:27:42.839
what happened. Do you know what? I've not ever really
642
00:27:43.359 --> 00:27:47.869
got over– my, my annoyance was, um, have you, have
643
00:27:47.890 --> 00:27:49.150
you been there? Have you ever been there?
644
00:27:49.170 --> 00:27:51.329
They've got that wild west show.
645
00:27:51.369 --> 00:27:52.349
They've got a wild west show.
646
00:27:52.410 --> 00:27:52.630
Right.
647
00:27:52.730 --> 00:27:54.900
And they have, um, you know, uh, it was a
648
00:27:54.910 --> 00:27:58.240
calamity Jane, right? So she comes out on a horse
649
00:27:58.319 --> 00:28:01.240
and starts shooting things with a rifle, these bottles that
650
00:28:01.299 --> 00:28:04.779
go there. And then they grab people out of the audience.
651
00:28:05.039 --> 00:28:05.359
Okay.
652
00:28:05.549 --> 00:28:08.710
And it's big audience, right? Um, And the worst thing
653
00:28:08.769 --> 00:28:11.029
that could have happened to me is being grabbed onto
654
00:28:11.049 --> 00:28:11.910
the stage, right?
655
00:28:12.009 --> 00:28:12.829
And it happens, right?
656
00:28:13.210 --> 00:28:16.190
I get grabbed on with some eight-year-old kid as well,
657
00:28:16.230 --> 00:28:17.410
who I don't know who he is.
658
00:28:17.470 --> 00:28:17.950
He comes on.
659
00:28:18.289 --> 00:28:20.529
And we both get given guns to shoot at these
660
00:28:20.569 --> 00:28:21.630
bottles on the wall, right?
661
00:28:22.230 --> 00:28:24.509
And you're pretty famous at this point as well.
662
00:28:25.150 --> 00:28:28.319
Yeah, I think there were English people in there nudging
663
00:28:28.359 --> 00:28:32.319
each other going, look, it's him. You know, right?
664
00:28:32.859 --> 00:28:33.039
So.
665
00:28:33.940 --> 00:28:36.029
So I have to shoot the bottle, have a shot
666
00:28:36.049 --> 00:28:38.789
at the bottle. And of course, I miss, right? Now,
667
00:28:39.069 --> 00:28:41.380
I know I didn't miss. I'm a good shot. I've
668
00:28:41.440 --> 00:28:41.819
had it.
669
00:28:41.859 --> 00:28:42.160
I've had it.
670
00:28:43.990 --> 00:28:46.660
I've had an air rifle all my life. I could
671
00:28:46.680 --> 00:28:50.319
have done that. I could have done that blindfold. And then,
672
00:28:50.440 --> 00:28:53.539
so I miss everyone laughs at me, not with me,
673
00:28:53.619 --> 00:28:56.680
like when you're a comedian, everyone laughs at me. And
674
00:28:57.440 --> 00:28:59.720
then the eight-year-old, now you.
675
00:28:59.640 --> 00:29:00.039
Have a go.
676
00:29:00.059 --> 00:29:01.779
Of course, what does he do? He hits the bottle
677
00:29:01.819 --> 00:29:07.180
first time. Everyone's cheering him. I'm utterly humiliated. I've never
678
00:29:07.220 --> 00:29:12.759
wanted to go back to the place since. That's a stitch-up,
679
00:29:12.839 --> 00:29:13.660
isn't it?
680
00:29:13.799 --> 00:29:16.319
If that had happened in the era of camera phones,
681
00:29:16.400 --> 00:29:18.339
it would have haunted you so much more, Jack.
682
00:29:18.779 --> 00:29:20.859
Oh, my God, it would have come back to me.
683
00:29:21.160 --> 00:29:23.339
Look at this idiot trying to shoot a bottle. He's
684
00:29:23.380 --> 00:29:27.920
an adult. And then the kid can. It was a fix.
685
00:29:27.960 --> 00:29:28.460
It was a fix.
686
00:29:28.480 --> 00:29:29.680
There's no two ways about it.
687
00:29:29.789 --> 00:29:32.890
If there's anyone out there, by coincidence, who's listening and
688
00:29:32.950 --> 00:29:34.829
was there, I just want them to know it was
689
00:29:34.869 --> 00:29:35.289
a fix.
690
00:29:35.369 --> 00:29:38.009
I'm a stitch-up. Well, that's the thing.
691
00:29:38.049 --> 00:29:41.160
If you're at Disneyland Paris, if you kids and you're
692
00:29:41.220 --> 00:29:43.380
famous in the uk on the tv loads of british
693
00:29:43.420 --> 00:29:45.839
tourists that is the worst case scenario for you really
694
00:29:45.880 --> 00:29:48.279
isn't it to be dragged out of the audience.
695
00:29:48.099 --> 00:29:50.960
And done could not be worse and then humiliated uh
696
00:29:51.839 --> 00:29:54.769
you know in in a way that it really goes
697
00:29:54.910 --> 00:29:56.329
right to the heart of what it is to be
698
00:29:56.369 --> 00:29:57.650
a man you know.
699
00:30:00.289 --> 00:30:04.589
Did your kids, were you a grumpy father? Would your
700
00:30:04.609 --> 00:30:06.190
kids describe you as that, do you think?
701
00:30:07.720 --> 00:30:12.640
You know, I suppose probably they would. I don't know.
702
00:30:12.759 --> 00:30:14.680
What I mean is, when you're with your kids, is
703
00:30:14.700 --> 00:30:18.180
there a different side to Jack D, to the Jack
704
00:30:18.200 --> 00:30:20.529
D that the public knows and loves? Are you actually
705
00:30:21.230 --> 00:30:22.490
a big softy with your kids?
706
00:30:22.890 --> 00:30:25.289
Of course, you know, when it comes to being, you know,
707
00:30:25.650 --> 00:30:27.730
of course I'm a, I'm, I'm a nice dad.
708
00:30:27.869 --> 00:30:28.509
Of course I am.
709
00:30:28.589 --> 00:30:31.000
And I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not wanting.
710
00:30:31.460 --> 00:30:34.599
To let it go.
711
00:30:34.799 --> 00:30:40.470
I think with this, this is a case with most
712
00:30:40.509 --> 00:30:43.130
comedians is that what you do on stage is, is
713
00:30:43.490 --> 00:30:45.470
an exaggeration of that element.
714
00:30:45.170 --> 00:30:48.740
Of you that will make people laugh anyway at home. But,
715
00:30:48.799 --> 00:30:51.440
of course, you enlarge on that. And, I mean, there
716
00:30:51.480 --> 00:30:53.680
are times when I am just a grumpy sod.
717
00:30:53.700 --> 00:30:54.279
I mean, that's it.
718
00:30:54.380 --> 00:30:56.099
I can't help it. And I don't even know I'm
719
00:30:56.140 --> 00:30:59.589
doing it. I don't even know I'm doing it. I really,
720
00:30:59.829 --> 00:31:02.549
genuinely don't know I'm doing it. That's why I was
721
00:31:02.589 --> 00:31:05.450
terrified when it came to the clap on Thursday night because,
722
00:31:05.670 --> 00:31:09.349
you know, with my face and my voice, when I'm
723
00:31:09.390 --> 00:31:14.920
being sincere, people think I'm being sarcastic, right? if i'm
724
00:31:14.960 --> 00:31:17.720
just standing in my front door clapping and going yeah
725
00:31:17.759 --> 00:31:20.180
you're the best you're the best and he's like yeah
726
00:31:20.220 --> 00:31:22.319
come on jack this is the nhs i know i'm
727
00:31:22.380 --> 00:31:25.450
doing my bit yeah no don't do it like that
728
00:31:25.490 --> 00:31:27.670
though like you mean it and i say i am
729
00:31:27.730 --> 00:31:28.970
meaning it i do mean it.
730
00:31:29.930 --> 00:31:31.569
I get that the opposite because I've got a bit
731
00:31:31.630 --> 00:31:34.720
more of like a happier outward demeanour. If I'm just
732
00:31:34.740 --> 00:31:37.500
sat on a train, just like with no expression on
733
00:31:37.539 --> 00:31:38.680
my face, I go, are you okay?
734
00:31:38.700 --> 00:31:40.559
I'm like, yeah, fine.
735
00:31:40.599 --> 00:31:43.250
They expect me to say, I'm on a bloody train.
736
00:31:43.289 --> 00:31:45.890
Yeah, woo, choo-choo, coming everyone.
737
00:31:45.950 --> 00:31:48.390
You know, what do they want on a carriage?
738
00:31:49.190 --> 00:31:51.230
Make it easier for people coming up to you, Jack,
739
00:31:51.259 --> 00:31:54.220
because you can just be Jack D and tell them
740
00:31:54.240 --> 00:31:55.119
to piss off, right?
741
00:31:55.400 --> 00:31:59.319
That is one advantage, you're right, because I've always thought
742
00:31:59.460 --> 00:32:01.680
it would be very trying if you were like Joe
743
00:32:01.700 --> 00:32:03.279
Pasquale or something.
744
00:32:03.819 --> 00:32:05.369
That's just a general point, though, isn't it?
745
00:32:05.369 --> 00:32:08.970
LAUGHTER But, you know, if he, oh, you know, oh,
746
00:32:08.990 --> 00:32:12.599
it's Joe Pasquale, and he'd have to start squeaking for
747
00:32:12.640 --> 00:32:14.720
them to feel that they'd got their money's worth out
748
00:32:14.759 --> 00:32:16.839
of him. Whereas with me, they'll go, oh, is he
749
00:32:16.859 --> 00:32:17.299
shacked in?
750
00:32:17.319 --> 00:32:18.200
And I go, yeah, yeah.
751
00:32:18.220 --> 00:32:19.980
And I just shrug, and they go, oh, he's so funny.
752
00:32:20.000 --> 00:32:22.500
It was just like that offstage as well. I went up,
753
00:32:22.680 --> 00:32:24.579
he just told me to get lost. He's so funny,
754
00:32:24.619 --> 00:32:29.660
he's a laugh. You know, you don't know what mood
755
00:32:29.700 --> 00:32:31.150
anyone's going to be in when you approach them in
756
00:32:31.190 --> 00:32:33.930
the street. So, yeah, it's difficult. But both of you
757
00:32:33.970 --> 00:32:36.730
are quite cheerful disposition, really, aren't you?
758
00:32:36.809 --> 00:32:37.509
Yeah, that's the problem.
759
00:32:37.529 --> 00:32:39.529
Some people would expect that all the time, wouldn't they?
760
00:32:39.549 --> 00:32:41.490
I know, I'm losing one fan with everyone I meet,
761
00:32:41.529 --> 00:32:42.170
I can tell you that.
762
00:32:42.190 --> 00:32:45.210
You only got seven.
763
00:32:45.289 --> 00:32:48.750
This lockdown's come at the right time for you, Joe.
764
00:32:48.849 --> 00:32:50.650
I've done wonders for my career.
765
00:32:51.809 --> 00:32:53.089
Yeah, at least you got that to blame.
766
00:32:55.369 --> 00:32:58.809
Looking back, though, when you had your kids younger, Jack,
767
00:32:58.849 --> 00:33:00.690
was there any moments where you thought, oh, I've messed
768
00:33:00.750 --> 00:33:02.720
up here? Not in a really bad way, but just
769
00:33:02.740 --> 00:33:04.640
little moments where you've had fails with them?
770
00:33:05.059 --> 00:33:07.259
I feel I've let myself down a couple of times
771
00:33:07.779 --> 00:33:10.309
in the past where I haven't. sort of lived up
772
00:33:10.329 --> 00:33:13.089
to being the image of a dad that i had
773
00:33:13.150 --> 00:33:15.109
in my mind you know what i mean it was
774
00:33:15.269 --> 00:33:18.369
um i remember taking to the dentist and uh they
775
00:33:18.410 --> 00:33:21.269
were all nervous of the dentist and uh we're all
776
00:33:21.490 --> 00:33:23.450
we all had this sort of family booking at the
777
00:33:23.490 --> 00:33:28.140
dentist fun day out um and and because they're all
778
00:33:28.180 --> 00:33:29.920
nervous of it i said look it's nothing to be
779
00:33:29.940 --> 00:33:31.680
worried about it's just something you've got to do isn't
780
00:33:31.700 --> 00:33:33.579
it go to the dentist get your teeth checked out
781
00:33:33.619 --> 00:33:35.400
and then you know you can sort things out before
782
00:33:35.420 --> 00:33:37.720
they go wrong i'll show you how easy it is
783
00:33:37.779 --> 00:33:41.539
i'll go first so i go i go first and
784
00:33:41.559 --> 00:33:43.319
the dentist says oh yeah i've got a little bit
785
00:33:43.339 --> 00:33:45.059
of a filling here i'll just do that quickly for
786
00:33:45.119 --> 00:33:46.900
you and he i don't know what he did but
787
00:33:46.920 --> 00:33:49.680
he drilled straight into root canal and i i it
788
00:33:49.789 --> 00:33:51.509
was like i was in the electric chair i was
789
00:33:51.529 --> 00:33:54.029
my my legs and arms flying around the place i
790
00:33:55.089 --> 00:33:57.950
was screaming jane had to jane had to get them
791
00:33:57.990 --> 00:34:00.009
all out of the car out into the car he'll
792
00:34:00.029 --> 00:34:03.119
be all right in a minute you know The whole
793
00:34:03.140 --> 00:34:06.039
dental appointment was canceled. It was like, oh, and now
794
00:34:06.079 --> 00:34:11.449
they've never been a dentist since. So I failed them.
795
00:34:11.510 --> 00:34:12.610
I failed them in that respect.
796
00:34:14.030 --> 00:34:16.210
You can't get it all right, can you? No, you can't.
797
00:34:16.269 --> 00:34:18.289
But also, when you've got four kids, you've got so
798
00:34:18.329 --> 00:34:21.250
many different types of personality there. You've probably got one
799
00:34:21.269 --> 00:34:24.199
of every kind of human there is on earth. And
800
00:34:24.280 --> 00:34:26.920
so I can't be everything to everyone. So there's probably
801
00:34:26.940 --> 00:34:27.480
at least two.
802
00:34:27.380 --> 00:34:27.980
Of them hate me.
803
00:34:30.519 --> 00:34:33.420
Yeah, I'll go with that.
804
00:34:33.659 --> 00:34:36.429
Jack, we normally ask our guests who have got younger
805
00:34:36.449 --> 00:34:38.010
kids what they'd do if they had the house to
806
00:34:38.030 --> 00:34:40.289
themselves for the whole day, whereas it seems like you've
807
00:34:40.650 --> 00:34:41.909
semi got that already.
808
00:34:41.630 --> 00:34:42.989
With your older kids.
809
00:34:43.210 --> 00:34:44.630
So what would you do if you had all four
810
00:34:44.670 --> 00:34:47.610
of them back, you know, at the ages of like two,
811
00:34:47.730 --> 00:34:50.849
four and like an eight, that age group of them?
812
00:34:50.909 --> 00:34:51.929
What would you be doing with them?
813
00:34:52.929 --> 00:34:53.829
And I have to stay in.
814
00:34:54.570 --> 00:34:55.170
Yes, with them.
815
00:34:58.050 --> 00:35:01.610
Oh, I, well, we, I mean, we had lots of
816
00:35:01.659 --> 00:35:03.599
days like that where you just, you get everything out
817
00:35:03.619 --> 00:35:07.039
in the garden, don't you? You know, bloody paddling pool.
818
00:35:07.099 --> 00:35:12.340
And that's, you know, that's your lawn wrecked. And then
819
00:35:12.760 --> 00:35:14.940
you just, you know, you're trying to involve them in everything,
820
00:35:14.980 --> 00:35:17.929
but it's, it's a chore, isn't it? Until it's until
821
00:35:17.949 --> 00:35:24.019
you can get away from them. You know, I've tried
822
00:35:24.039 --> 00:35:27.539
to be a good dad, but I'm always thinking, when
823
00:35:27.579 --> 00:35:29.769
is this going to end? When can I get away
824
00:35:29.829 --> 00:35:30.059
from you?
825
00:35:33.070 --> 00:35:35.639
Um rob do you always have the same final question.
826
00:35:35.510 --> 00:35:37.909
Yeah the final question uh jack um have you had
827
00:35:37.949 --> 00:35:40.630
a highlight and a low light of lockdown a point
828
00:35:40.670 --> 00:35:42.550
where you thought actually this is amazing and a bit
829
00:35:42.570 --> 00:35:44.050
where you thought this has got to end i'm going
830
00:35:44.090 --> 00:35:45.230
mad oh.
831
00:35:45.329 --> 00:35:47.829
God there have been so many there have been so
832
00:35:47.909 --> 00:35:51.329
many i think the uh i think the highlights have
833
00:35:51.369 --> 00:35:54.809
been where we've just thought you know what let's let's
834
00:35:54.849 --> 00:35:57.769
do cocktail hour let's let's cook something nice for dinner
835
00:35:57.789 --> 00:36:02.230
let's Let's have a bottle of wine and forget about everything.
836
00:36:02.309 --> 00:36:05.679
And it's nice and quiet because there's no aircraft going over.
837
00:36:05.719 --> 00:36:09.280
There's no traffic outside. That, I suppose, is what you
838
00:36:09.300 --> 00:36:13.579
would consider the highlight of it. The low points have
839
00:36:13.659 --> 00:36:17.449
been more to do with everything being canceled that we'd planned.
840
00:36:17.510 --> 00:36:20.449
You know, we were going to go on holiday. We
841
00:36:20.489 --> 00:36:22.070
were going to do this. We're going to do that.
842
00:36:22.150 --> 00:36:22.809
But you know what?
843
00:36:23.599 --> 00:36:27.420
Again, I don't want to sound sincere about it, you know,
844
00:36:27.500 --> 00:36:32.480
too earnest, but, you know, I've known someone who's succumbed
845
00:36:32.519 --> 00:36:34.940
to the illness and it's a horrible, horrible business. So
846
00:36:35.000 --> 00:36:37.710
that was, you know, that's... I don't want to end
847
00:36:37.769 --> 00:36:41.130
on a bummer. You asked, though, didn't you? Yeah, I did. Yeah,
848
00:36:41.150 --> 00:36:42.849
what do you think the low life is? The low
849
00:36:42.889 --> 00:36:45.489
point is when people you love die, all right?
850
00:36:45.909 --> 00:36:48.610
Yeah, I feel like I'm getting... Thanks for having me
851
00:36:48.710 --> 00:36:49.250
on your podcast.
852
00:36:49.289 --> 00:36:49.989
Like the dentist trip.
853
00:36:50.030 --> 00:36:53.280
LAUGHTER You wanted it. This is the truth of it, Rob.
854
00:36:54.969 --> 00:36:55.800
We've all had a laugh.
855
00:36:55.989 --> 00:36:57.610
We've all had a laugh, but that is really where
856
00:36:57.619 --> 00:36:58.300
it's at, isn't it?
857
00:36:58.300 --> 00:37:01.789
I was going to ask this, though, as well. Are
858
00:37:01.949 --> 00:37:02.510
your kids.
859
00:37:02.349 --> 00:37:03.909
On TikTok, and are they trying to make you be
860
00:37:03.949 --> 00:37:06.590
on TikTok and annoy you? Because that's the perfect age
861
00:37:06.610 --> 00:37:07.630
for TikTok.
862
00:37:08.590 --> 00:37:11.989
Honestly, I don't even know what TikTok is, even with
863
00:37:12.130 --> 00:37:14.449
all the kids of my age. I literally don't know
864
00:37:14.469 --> 00:37:17.670
what it is. They might well be, but I'm not
865
00:37:17.710 --> 00:37:18.210
aware of it.
866
00:37:18.309 --> 00:37:18.769
All right.
867
00:37:19.150 --> 00:37:21.849
They show me stuff that, you know, funny videos and that.
868
00:37:21.909 --> 00:37:22.929
Is that what it is, TikTok?
869
00:37:22.989 --> 00:37:24.250
Yeah, so it's all funny videos.
870
00:37:24.269 --> 00:37:25.949
And because it's all of that age group, sort of
871
00:37:25.969 --> 00:37:28.980
teenagers through to uni students, they're all at home annoying
872
00:37:29.019 --> 00:37:29.619
their parents.
873
00:37:29.679 --> 00:37:31.000
So I was wondering.
874
00:37:30.719 --> 00:37:33.000
If we could look forward to seeing you being wound
875
00:37:33.059 --> 00:37:34.500
up by your kids, which I think would.
876
00:37:36.760 --> 00:37:40.039
I wouldn't want to be filmed doing anything, let alone,
877
00:37:40.059 --> 00:37:42.219
you know, being an idiot around the house.
878
00:37:42.389 --> 00:37:45.429
Are you one of those parents that tries to be
879
00:37:45.489 --> 00:37:47.869
into the kind of new things that your kids are into?
880
00:37:48.250 --> 00:37:50.809
Or are you quite happy to go, not for me?
881
00:37:51.329 --> 00:37:54.650
Oh, absolutely. I think you have to set your boundaries
882
00:37:54.690 --> 00:37:56.849
at that very early on in this and just say, look,
883
00:37:57.230 --> 00:37:58.199
you do your thing.
884
00:37:58.219 --> 00:37:59.000
All right.
885
00:37:59.219 --> 00:38:01.179
I don't expect you to get interested in what I'm
886
00:38:01.219 --> 00:38:03.599
interested in. You do your thing and I'll do mine.
887
00:38:03.619 --> 00:38:12.130
And that way we'll both get along fine. it is
888
00:38:12.170 --> 00:38:15.409
you know and i i don't like i don't like
889
00:38:15.730 --> 00:38:19.630
adults who ingratiate themselves on kids especially once the kids
890
00:38:19.670 --> 00:38:22.480
get to like secondary school age or something that that
891
00:38:22.840 --> 00:38:26.389
is it's pathetic you know just just at your age
892
00:38:26.469 --> 00:38:28.570
to let your kids do what they do and and
893
00:38:28.610 --> 00:38:31.409
you do your thing but don't don't hang around hoping
894
00:38:31.429 --> 00:38:33.690
you're going to be involved in some way because it's
895
00:38:33.730 --> 00:38:37.909
embarrassing for them you know that is the aim in
896
00:38:37.969 --> 00:38:39.909
life once you're an adult and you've got kids your
897
00:38:40.150 --> 00:38:43.329
main aim is just not to become an embarrassment it's
898
00:38:43.389 --> 00:38:45.829
not even about being a cool person or a cool
899
00:38:45.869 --> 00:38:48.389
dad or it's just don't be an embarrassment if you
900
00:38:48.409 --> 00:38:50.539
can avoid that you've won you've won.
901
00:38:51.010 --> 00:38:54.840
Which takes us back to shooting that can at Euro Disney. Oh, don't.
902
00:38:56.019 --> 00:39:00.760
It's shocking. And I won't ever go back. It's their loss.
903
00:39:01.139 --> 00:39:01.719
It's their loss.
904
00:39:04.809 --> 00:39:05.949
Brilliant. Thanks, Jack.
905
00:39:05.989 --> 00:39:08.190
Thank you so much for doing it. Cheers, mate.
906
00:39:10.949 --> 00:39:11.989
Oh, Jack D there.
907
00:39:12.150 --> 00:39:13.429
Do you know what? He wouldn't want me to say it,
908
00:39:13.429 --> 00:39:14.449
but such a nice man.
909
00:39:14.840 --> 00:39:18.610
He's honestly absolutely lovely because I'm still in awe of
910
00:39:18.639 --> 00:39:20.309
him because he was a hero of mine growing up,
911
00:39:20.329 --> 00:39:22.889
being like the Alan Davis episode and the Jonathan Ross one.
912
00:39:22.909 --> 00:39:27.010
But when I first did, you know that O2 gala
913
00:39:27.030 --> 00:39:28.980
gig we did, the charity gig at the O2?
914
00:39:29.369 --> 00:39:29.929
I was so nervous.
915
00:39:30.570 --> 00:39:32.610
And so worried and he I did a warm-up gig
916
00:39:32.630 --> 00:39:34.510
with him and I was just like staring at him
917
00:39:34.530 --> 00:39:35.820
like oh my god it's Jack D and he was
918
00:39:35.860 --> 00:39:37.949
just so nice and kind of you I think you're
919
00:39:37.969 --> 00:39:39.980
a bit worried he might be a bit mean because
920
00:39:40.000 --> 00:39:42.159
he's got that grumpy persona but he's not he's a
921
00:39:42.199 --> 00:39:45.460
lovely bloke but even before we started recording we sort
922
00:39:45.480 --> 00:39:47.579
of could hear him getting his delivery and he just
923
00:39:47.619 --> 00:39:48.960
sounds like he's got the ump when he.
924
00:39:48.960 --> 00:39:53.190
Hasn't And he's like, all right, lads, yeah. He's like that.
925
00:39:53.690 --> 00:39:56.190
It's not like he puts it on. He's like, yeah, yeah,
926
00:39:56.210 --> 00:40:00.159
I'm all right, yeah. That's what we're doing here.
927
00:40:00.260 --> 00:40:00.760
Okay.
928
00:40:00.980 --> 00:40:01.699
He's so funny.
929
00:40:02.159 --> 00:40:05.019
I think this podcast that we semi-started in order for
930
00:40:05.059 --> 00:40:07.980
us to vent and make ourselves feel better about the
931
00:40:08.039 --> 00:40:09.099
non-stop childcare.
932
00:40:09.119 --> 00:40:10.670
It's actually gone the other way.
933
00:40:10.730 --> 00:40:13.530
It's made me realise how much people miss their kids
934
00:40:13.550 --> 00:40:13.989
being little.
935
00:40:14.010 --> 00:40:14.769
Yeah, definitely.
936
00:40:14.969 --> 00:40:17.570
And after these records, especially with people like Jack who've
937
00:40:17.590 --> 00:40:19.199
got older kids, I sort of go back to them
938
00:40:19.219 --> 00:40:20.519
and give them a big cuddle and go, oh, I'm
939
00:40:20.539 --> 00:40:23.099
so lucky, though, to have them this much, even though
940
00:40:23.400 --> 00:40:25.460
I'm knackered and going a bit loopy. But I do
941
00:40:25.500 --> 00:40:27.099
feel like I've got into the groove of it a
942
00:40:27.119 --> 00:40:29.019
bit more since it's been going on for ages.
943
00:40:29.239 --> 00:40:31.219
Totally. Go back, hug them, pick up a piece of
944
00:40:31.239 --> 00:40:32.539
shit and carry on with your day.
945
00:40:32.559 --> 00:40:34.739
I mean, as soon as she shits her knickers again,
946
00:40:34.760 --> 00:40:38.179
I'll be fuming. But the cuddle before she shits herself
947
00:40:38.199 --> 00:40:38.760
is lovely.
948
00:40:40.739 --> 00:40:41.969
Just squeeze the shit out of her.
949
00:40:42.320 --> 00:40:46.849
Yeah. And then back to whinging. But yeah, it was great.
950
00:40:46.949 --> 00:40:50.949
Yeah, really good. It's interesting, isn't it? What it'd be
951
00:40:50.989 --> 00:40:54.889
like to relate to a grown-up child. If in 20 years,
952
00:40:55.110 --> 00:40:58.250
when I'm 50, whatever I am, I'd be, well, I'd
953
00:40:58.449 --> 00:40:58.809
be 57.
954
00:40:58.809 --> 00:40:59.349
Jesus, what?
955
00:41:03.889 --> 00:41:05.130
Oh, my God.
956
00:41:05.210 --> 00:41:07.719
Imagine your little grey curly hair.
957
00:41:08.239 --> 00:41:12.599
What's going on? I just had a real moment there. Oh, no.
958
00:41:12.760 --> 00:41:14.460
When you go grey instead of blonde, you're going to
959
00:41:14.480 --> 00:41:15.769
look like a right little weird fellow.
960
00:41:15.789 --> 00:41:17.530
You're going to.
961
00:41:17.369 --> 00:41:20.289
Look like a little feminist activist with curly grey hair.
962
00:41:21.469 --> 00:41:23.750
I think I'm going to be one of those people
963
00:41:23.809 --> 00:41:27.289
that finally grows into their looks with age. But anyway.
964
00:41:27.309 --> 00:41:27.849
I know.
965
00:41:27.869 --> 00:41:29.730
I think they'll go, what the fuck are those ever twins?
966
00:41:29.769 --> 00:41:32.650
He's been like a boy for 40 years. He's turned
967
00:41:32.730 --> 00:41:34.829
into a nan.
968
00:41:35.329 --> 00:41:37.070
Do you reckon one day I'll just wake up and
969
00:41:37.090 --> 00:41:39.820
I'll have just sagged? I don't think there's going to
970
00:41:39.840 --> 00:41:42.800
be any, like, there's going to be no joining photos.
971
00:41:42.840 --> 00:41:44.619
Like a pair overnight. Boom.
972
00:41:44.820 --> 00:41:48.119
Nan. I remember when I used to work at a
973
00:41:48.159 --> 00:41:52.239
supermarket and I was like 17, 18 and my mate went,
974
00:41:52.380 --> 00:41:54.300
oh yeah, we're going for a drink, come along. And
975
00:41:54.320 --> 00:41:56.099
he was mate from school and all that. And everyone
976
00:41:56.119 --> 00:41:57.780
turned up and then he went, yeah, I'm bringing my
977
00:41:57.800 --> 00:42:00.639
mate from work. And he'd started being a plumber and
978
00:42:00.659 --> 00:42:03.179
he turned out of a 55 year old bloke. that
979
00:42:03.199 --> 00:42:05.530
he's in the van with. And I was like, what's this?
980
00:42:05.570 --> 00:42:08.190
What's going on? But at that age, when you're 22,
981
00:42:08.190 --> 00:42:09.750
you can't hang around with a 50-year-old.
982
00:42:09.769 --> 00:42:11.469
I was like, you need to give me a heads up.
983
00:42:11.489 --> 00:42:14.369
You can't just turn up with a 50-year-old bloke and
984
00:42:14.409 --> 00:42:15.610
just eat it around him.
985
00:42:15.630 --> 00:42:16.809
It's madness.
986
00:42:17.289 --> 00:42:19.219
It's a weird age where you have to just stay
987
00:42:19.239 --> 00:42:22.000
with someone older's coming. Yeah, definitely.
988
00:42:22.739 --> 00:42:23.300
But I can't wait.
989
00:42:23.320 --> 00:42:25.699
It'd be amazing to go out for a pint. When
990
00:42:25.719 --> 00:42:26.960
they listen back to this, imagine that.
991
00:42:26.980 --> 00:42:29.219
I was wondering that. I was wondering that the other day,
992
00:42:29.260 --> 00:42:31.219
whether this is going to cause problems in my relationship
993
00:42:31.239 --> 00:42:33.449
with my daughter in the future. But we'll cross that
994
00:42:33.469 --> 00:42:35.969
bridge when this becomes unprofitable.
995
00:42:36.230 --> 00:42:37.550
If they still want to live in our house, they'll
996
00:42:37.570 --> 00:42:38.929
have to fucking deal with it, all right?
997
00:42:38.969 --> 00:42:42.289
Because I've got to earn the money somehow. Josh, should
998
00:42:42.309 --> 00:42:43.989
we tell the people how they can get in contact?
999
00:42:44.349 --> 00:42:44.630
Yes.
1000
00:42:45.650 --> 00:42:50.769
Rate us on iTunes. We're closing in on 3,000 ratings.
1001
00:42:52.489 --> 00:42:55.550
And they can get in contact with email at hello
1002
00:42:55.670 --> 00:42:57.630
at lockdownparenting.co.uk.
1003
00:42:57.949 --> 00:42:59.989
Thank you very much for listening. We will see you
1004
00:43:00.110 --> 00:43:00.880
in a few days.
1005
00:43:01.400 --> 00:43:03.980
And next time, we've got Alison Hammond chatting on the show.
1006
00:43:04.320 --> 00:43:07.179
Absolutely amazing. She's absolutely brilliant. Look forward to it.
1007
00:43:07.519 --> 00:43:08.500
Terrible mic technique.
1008
00:43:09.199 --> 00:43:12.730
Awful. What a woman. Terrible internet. Great woman.
1009
00:43:13.050 --> 00:43:15.730
Thank you very much.
1010
00:43:15.809 --> 00:43:16.429
Bye.
1011
00:43:16.570 --> 00:43:16.809
Bye.