Belonging

WEBVTT
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I was gonna tell you about something that happened, but that's it was a thought I had.
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Apparently it must not have been a very important thought because I don't know.
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Was it a TV show, a documentary, something like that?
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No, no, no.
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Have you heard about Jimothy the Raccoon in Seattle?
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Oh, I'm gonna listen.
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Jimothy's all over my feed.
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I'm gonna have to make sure he's all over yours too.
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Totally.
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He has a they think they think he has a spinal deformity.
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But if you if you Google Jimothy, if you just Google Jimothy uh with a Google, he runs across your screen.
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There's just been a lot of happiness involving Jimothy.
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There's been a lot of songs, there's a lot of things that have made me laugh and smile, but that's not and he has are you Googling Jimothy right now?
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Oh you have to see him.
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Even baby Jimothy is just adorable and is like Seattle's raccoon.
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He's being talked about all over the place.
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Oh, that's adorable.
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Yeah, but that wasn't what I wanted to talk about.
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I was gonna oh I was gonna tell you about an interesting experience I had at the gas station this morning when I went in.
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Yes.
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I don't know.
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Sometimes sometimes I wonder if people realize some of the things they say, just socially speaking.
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Maybe that wasn't the best choice.
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We all know how I am in the morning, right?
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I have to stop at the gas station on the way to work, which first and foremost I do not want to do.
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Socializing people ick, especially first thing in the morning.
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We're talking before 5 a.m.
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as I'm driving into work contemplating my life choices, even though I do love my job.
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And I don't know if I love my job because I tell myself I love my job so frequently, or if I truly do at this point, I think I might have gaslit myself into loving my job.
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But beyond that, the whole point of what I'm gonna tell you, uh I want your I want your opinion about this.
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I kind of was listening in to the person that was ahead of me in line.
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And I I don't I really wasn't paying that much attention, but there was I could feel the energy, right?
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And it almost from the little bit I gathered, I felt like the guy was talking about this woman's haircut.
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And I was like, oh, but then the energy just didn't feel good.
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So I go up and I'm just telling him what I need, and the first thing he does is he he just reaches out for a fist bump.
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I'm like, okay, well, whatever fist bump, cool, dude, get me what I need.
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I gotta get back in my truck and I've gotta go to work.
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And then he looks me dead square in the eye and he says, I'm not trying to be rude, which is my first thought, right?
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You d you don't say I'm not trying to be rude unless you know what you're about to say is rude.
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Right?
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That's like saying I'm not racist.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Exactly.
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So he says he says to me, He says, uh, what made you decide to do your job?
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Now my brain works a mile a minute, and in my mind I'm thinking, first and foremost, you have no clue what I do.
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Right?
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But I'm like, okay, it's not the time or place.
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I just I I want to get my item and I want to go.
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And I said, uh, because he's holding it hostage at this point, even though I've paid.
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And he says, uh, I said, I like working with my hands.
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And uh he goes, Oh, you just look to me like you're innocent.
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You're somebody that would want to just be home baking cookies.
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Oh my gosh.
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When I tell you the chuckle, I literally I went, ha ha, absolutely not, was my response as I grabbed my item, turned around, and walked out of that gas station.
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Now I'm processing this conversation at 4 50 a.m.
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on a Thursday.
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And I'm like, why?
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What about me screams?
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I want to bake.
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I love cooking, don't in the time I've known you.
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I would never that would never even come across my mind as a thought that that's what you want.
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And certainly you're not innocent.
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No, it it almost had, but no, I that's that's the innocence.
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What is so it's I think it's obvious you're in construction.
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You wear high viz clothing, and I'm sure that probably carpenters.
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I'm wearing I wear carpenter's pants dirty working.
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Yeah, so it's pretty obvious.
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My hat that I I've got a backwards hat on that's dirty, like that was him trying to make you feel small, in my opinion.
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Do you okay?
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But what if I told you this came from somebody who was a minority?
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Men?
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What is it a man?
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Yeah, so it was sexist.
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That's and this is the thing about the isms and all the phobias people in marginalized groups can hold really toxic beliefs.
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And it's unfortunate and it's it's sad, but it's a reality that these beliefs are out there, and I think men, any a man of any race can be threatened by a woman.
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Maybe he was threatened.
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I were you taller than him?
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Well, I didn't exactly stand next to him, Caitlin.
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I was across the room.
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I couldn't tell you.
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I I feel like maybe I know I'm older than him for sure.
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Okay.
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I'm older for sure.
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I just he was he was younger.
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If I had to, if I had to have guessed his age, I would have said he was in his his uh mid to late twenties.
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That's disappointing.
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Yeah, I just I think that he might have been threatened if he saw a woman who was in construction, and so he had to say something to try and make you feel small.
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I don't think you let people do that very often.
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Oh no, I didn't, I didn't I didn't feel small at all.
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I walked out of there.
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Well, you're almost six foot tall, so I know that feeling small probably is a thing for you.
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Um six foot call, and let's talk.
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No, let's talk.
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I think this is the first guy ever in the morning when I'm in my work clothes that has ever clocked me as a woman.
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Because think of how often I'm called sir.
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He clocked, I'm like, how did he clock me as a woman?
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It's the menopause making my boobs bigger, isn't it?
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The cougar puberty.
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Yeah.
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The cougar puberty.
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Oh no.
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Interesting.
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I want to go back to being a kitty.
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It's the plain old house cat.
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No, yeah, no, I just it's so like, yeah, I've been waiting all day to talk to you about that.
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I can't even believe it almost slipped my mind because I was like, I would never that's that's very interesting.
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And the fact that most people don't even clock I'm a woman, especially early in the morning, because one they're half asleep anyways, and they're not really paying attention.
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All they see is somebody in construction clothes that's presenting masculine, and it's just what can I get you, sir?
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And this guy clocked me being a woman, and then immediately turned around and you just look like you'd rather be at home baking cookies.
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Do I enjoy baking cookies?
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Yes, you're a great cook.
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Yes, you know that for a fact.
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Yes, I love I love I love cooking.
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I'm not a sweets person though.
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You know, I don't eat I don't eat a lot of sweets.
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The only sweets I really eat is when I get the craving for the dark chocolate, or I have to have my ice cream.
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Beyond that, if I'm baking it's for somebody else, then I don't think chocolate chip cookies are healthy to serve to my dog.
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So not trust me when I tell you I don't want to be at home baking cookies.
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Yeah, that's that's really, really weird.
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Hmm.
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Yeah, anyways.
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Yeah.
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Transition that into belonging.
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At least I know where I belong.
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Right.
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Yeah.
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Well, I mean, yeah, I and you know, it's funny.
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I think that we as people do decide sometimes we feel we have the right to decide where other people belong.
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I mean, I think that is, you know, women should be in the home.
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Look at you finding the people.
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You know, it should be you know, things like that.
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We we all and I'm sure we all have ideas that maybe kind of can be translated into that.
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I think you just I did.
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I think you just found the better transition.
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I did.
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I did.
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So perfect, because so I'm just gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna, yeah, I'm gonna so here's what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna first let everybody know that this was a a series of episodes that was a progression.
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I do encourage you to listen to all of them.
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This is the last one in the series, and that uh we are bringing it to an end with an episode about belonging.
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Yeah.
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This is outside the footnotes.
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I am Wendy.
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And then Kaylin.
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Welcome, guys.
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Belonging is one of those things most of us rarely question.
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We talk about finding our people, finding our community, finding where we fit, and for good reason, connection matters, relationships matter, community matters.
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But as I was preparing for this conversation, I found myself wondering if there might be something missing from the discussion.
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Because most conversations about belonging focus on being accepted, on finding a place where we fit.
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But what if belonging is about more than fitting in?
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What if belonging isn't just something we need?
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What if it's something that can enrich who we already are?
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Because not every form of belonging helps us grow.
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Some forms of belonging expand us, others ask us to shrink, others quietly ask us to become someone else.
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So today we're exploring belonging through a different lens, not as something we are desperately searching for, but as something we are intentionally choosing.
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Because maybe the question isn't where do I belong?
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Maybe the question is what kind of belonging is actually worth choosing.
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And as always, what's missing from the discussion?
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With that, Kaelin, I'm gonna let you take it away.
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All right.
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All right, let's get started.
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Why are we drawn towards belonging in the first place?
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So when we think about belonging and think about your life, Wendy, what's where's the first place in your life where you remember wanting to belong?
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Oh, that's easy peasy.
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I feel like I'm gonna aces test.
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That would be within my family unit.
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So are there were there other parts of your life where you wanted to belong in addition to your family?
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Oh, I think yeah.
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I think depending on how all of us one start out in life, some of us are part of more a part of community than others.
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We want to belong to our church families, we want to belong in school with our peers.
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Um, I think there's this this need to be accepted, I think that from a very young age is also kind of bred into us.
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If that makes sense.
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Where in your life did you feel like you belonged when you think back to your earlier years?
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I mean, if I'm being truthful, I'm gonna tell you I don't feel like I actually belonged anywhere.
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That's fair.
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I've always felt like I was an uh an oddbile out.
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I always felt different than everybody else.
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I felt like I I uh my inner monologue, the way that I saw the world, the way that I questioned it, was not very kindly looked upon or accepted.
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And I always felt like I was just different.
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Did the people around you make you feel like you didn't belong?
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Well, yeah.
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Obviously, it would be the interactions.
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I'm sorry, that's not condescending.
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I didn't know.
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No, that's not condescending to myself.
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Can you can you give specifics where they're can you think of certain people in your life who maybe kind of Well, yeah, I mean we go back to last week's episode when we were talking about how I was told I talked too much.
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Yeah.
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I was I was too much.
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I was I asked why too often.
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Um I didn't I've I've been told that I don't like authority.
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But it's not that I don't uh like or respect authority, it's if you want me to follow or to to believe what you're telling me, you're gonna have to convince me.
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I don't I'm not like I've never since a very young age, I'm not a sheep.
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I don't I don't blindly follow because somebody said, I told you so.
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I have to have a deeper understanding.
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Even in my job, it's easy.
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It's an easy job.
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For most people, it's it's memory, it's learning the tricks, it's it becomes very mundane.
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But I would never do things just to do them because somebody said that well, that's how you do it.
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Right.
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Like, no, there's gotta be something deeper to this.
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I need to fully understand it.
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And I've been that way from a very young age.
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So when you got the little kid that's constantly going, but why, but why, but why, but why?
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You know how most parents generally react to that.
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You know, you're the kid in school that everybody's like, Oh, I wish she'd stop asking questions.
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You know what I mean?
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So, yeah, and then also you're the teacher's pet, you're just sucking up to the teacher.
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And I just I just really wanted to know.
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I mean, you know this about me.
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I had a set of encyclopedias.
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I used to write essays and do research papers for fun.
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That was my fun.
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All my friends are going out doing crazy shit, and I'm like, nope.
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I'm learning all about the antelope this week.
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I got an essay to myself by Friday.
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Yeah, I can really I was I was an achiever and I I liked the academic part of school, and I guess I would get called the teacher's pet too.
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So I totally get that.
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I I don't know.
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I wouldn't say I wouldn't say that it was the academic part of school that I liked.
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I think I was, I I think I did well academically in school because of a sense of it was a it was a need to not fail, right?
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It was this sense of self that told me that if I failed at anything, that I wasn't good enough that I I wasn't going to be accepted.
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So I wouldn't say academically speaking, I mean obviously if it was academics I was after, I would have continued to further my education.
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As opposed to the way that I just I like to learn things, I like to know things.
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If my if something sparks intrigue inside my brain, then I'm gonna deep dive and I want to learn everything there is about it.
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Yeah.
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I want I want to be knowledgeable.
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That's cool.
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So now looking back where you felt you didn't belong, and now in in your life now, do you feel that you have a stronger sense of belonging as compared to when you were a child?
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I have a stronger sense of belonging to the people that I've allowed to see me in order for there to be a belonging, correct.
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Do I have a stronger sense of belonging in society in general?
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Absolutely not.
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I still feel like the oddball out, I still feel different.
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I don't feel like the majority of people uh well, here's the thing.
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We talked about this last week too.
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None of us perceive the world the same.
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And so there's always you're always gonna have naysayers, you're always gonna have people that are going to make you feel like you're less than because they can't perceive it the way that you do.
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They don't, it's people do not want to stop to take the time to remove their own perception and their own ego to genuinely understand you and who you are.
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Yeah.
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So for me, and I've struggled with belonging to, I think everybody has struggled with feeling like they belong or don't belong.
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I got to a point, I think probably close to 40, I'm 47 now, where I've accepted that I don't really belong and I don't fit into every group, and I'm I'm very I have very eclectic taste.
00:15:54.159 --> 00:16:00.399
Like even my poor Amazon algorithm doesn't know what to do with me in terms of music because I'm all over the place.
00:16:00.559 --> 00:16:07.039
You probably see, because we have a group, we have a friend group where we post the music we listen to, and I'm okay with that.
00:16:07.120 --> 00:16:08.480
And it it feels very liberating.
00:16:08.559 --> 00:16:10.320
I feel like there's a lot of pressure off of me.
00:16:10.480 --> 00:16:15.759
Is there a part of you that kind of has accepted that in some ways you're always going to be an outsider?
00:16:16.000 --> 00:16:17.200
And how does that feel?
00:16:17.679 --> 00:16:21.519
Not only not only do I accept it, but I revel in it.
00:16:21.600 --> 00:16:23.759
It's one of my favorite things about me.
00:16:24.000 --> 00:16:27.360
In a world of white sheep, I want to be the black one.
00:16:27.679 --> 00:16:38.000
Because I feel like thinking outside of the box and never allowing your lens to be covered up by other people's views.
00:16:38.159 --> 00:16:38.480
Yeah.
00:16:38.799 --> 00:16:42.000
Is there's something liberating about it.
00:16:42.240 --> 00:17:01.360
And I think that it's just when you can start to see yourself in that manner, it also makes it easier to start approaching other people, looking at them the same way that you view yourself and finding that value in the things that a lot of people might call flaws or quirkiness or irritating or you're weird.
00:17:01.519 --> 00:17:04.559
You know, I I dance around when people tell me I'm weird.
00:17:04.720 --> 00:17:06.000
Heck yeah, I am.
00:17:06.640 --> 00:17:07.759
Hell yeah, I am.
00:17:07.839 --> 00:17:08.559
I don't even know.
00:17:08.640 --> 00:17:12.960
I'm looking, I'm looking at you and I'm like, oh, it's Kayla and I can't cuss, but I can.
00:17:13.119 --> 00:17:14.160
I'm a grown adult.
00:17:14.400 --> 00:17:15.200
Hell yeah.
00:17:15.440 --> 00:17:16.160
You know what I mean?
00:17:16.240 --> 00:17:17.119
I enjoy it.
00:17:17.359 --> 00:17:18.319
I enjoy that.
00:17:18.480 --> 00:17:18.799
Yeah.
00:17:19.039 --> 00:17:22.880
This is what makes me uniquely Wendy, and this is something that I love.
00:17:23.119 --> 00:17:23.359
Right.
00:17:23.599 --> 00:17:31.119
Belonging doesn't, it doesn't hold an importance in my world because I find value in the places where I do belong.
00:17:31.359 --> 00:17:38.799
And belonging within yourself is is just absolutely amazing.
00:17:39.039 --> 00:17:39.680
It's amazing.
00:17:39.759 --> 00:17:41.039
It's it's one of the best feelings.
00:17:41.279 --> 00:17:41.680
I agree.
00:17:41.839 --> 00:17:44.799
When I say I can't even with you, you say, of course you can't.
00:17:44.880 --> 00:17:45.519
I'm odd.
00:17:45.599 --> 00:17:53.599
So I know that you've you've come to some terms with one of my good old dad jokes.
00:17:53.839 --> 00:17:55.759
So that's one of my good old dad jokes.
00:17:56.000 --> 00:18:02.400
A lot of us we spend so many years trying to be accepted, and I feel like I look back and I'm like, I wasted so much time on trying to fit in.
00:18:02.480 --> 00:18:08.000
And it really wasn't worth it in the end because sometimes acceptance alone isn't enough.
00:18:08.319 --> 00:18:17.359
And we can be in places that accept us, but they don't necessarily help us grow and become the people that we are meant to become.
00:18:17.519 --> 00:18:20.640
So the belonging can actually become kind of a form of dependence.
00:18:20.880 --> 00:18:28.640
So what happens when belonging becomes something we need rather than something we choose?
00:18:29.200 --> 00:18:31.440
So think about a time.
00:18:31.680 --> 00:18:33.119
Okay, so here, yeah, here.
00:18:33.519 --> 00:18:34.559
I'm not gonna think about a time.
00:18:34.640 --> 00:18:35.599
I'm gonna, this is what I'm gonna do.
00:18:35.680 --> 00:18:36.400
I like sorry.
00:18:36.559 --> 00:18:38.240
I feel like I'm being sassy today.
00:18:38.480 --> 00:18:39.200
You have got to be.
00:18:39.359 --> 00:18:44.400
I feel like this is I it's just it I feel like it's today.
00:18:44.559 --> 00:18:46.480
I don't know if it's just been this week.
00:18:46.720 --> 00:18:50.960
I don't know if Saturn is in the Gatorade, I think.
00:18:51.279 --> 00:18:55.200
Well, yeah, we've established that, but I've also not been this sassy for the whole Gatorade.
00:18:55.440 --> 00:18:56.720
No, but Saturn, not Mercury.
00:18:57.039 --> 00:18:59.359
Maybe that's Saturn is now apparently in Gatorade.
00:19:01.039 --> 00:19:02.400
Oh, yeah.
00:19:02.480 --> 00:19:02.799
Okay.
00:19:02.880 --> 00:19:04.240
Well, it's not my ruling planet.
00:19:04.480 --> 00:19:05.440
I think it's uh is it mine?
00:19:07.119 --> 00:19:07.839
It could be.
00:19:08.000 --> 00:19:10.799
Maybe that's why I'm getting sassy nephews and I don't know.
00:19:10.960 --> 00:19:14.799
I think it's just been a day.
00:19:15.039 --> 00:19:22.240
And I did my work and then I came home and I was developing outlines and did not bake cookies.
00:19:22.480 --> 00:19:24.079
No, no, no.
00:19:24.160 --> 00:19:26.319
I think I'm gonna do that later before bed.
00:19:26.720 --> 00:19:30.960
But, anyways, freaking cookies.
00:19:31.119 --> 00:19:33.519
I'm gonna laugh every time I see cookies now.
00:19:33.759 --> 00:19:39.359
Anyways, I do make good cookies, although a great chocolate chip recipe.
00:19:39.599 --> 00:19:42.160
But, anyways, back on point.
00:19:42.400 --> 00:19:46.000
You're gonna have to see there went my brain.
00:19:46.240 --> 00:19:49.680
Okay, the guiding question is what happens?
00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:55.440
No, this is this so thinking about belonging as a point of dependence.
00:19:55.839 --> 00:19:57.759
I've got like I don't have this in front of me.
00:19:58.000 --> 00:20:04.079
Oh, so we're in a group, we feel like we belong, but maybe it's not a healthy belonging.
00:20:04.720 --> 00:20:06.960
That's not what you asked me, but okay.
00:20:07.039 --> 00:20:09.519
Let's let me repeat the guiding question.
00:20:09.839 --> 00:20:10.720
What happens?
00:20:11.039 --> 00:20:11.759
I can read it.
00:20:11.839 --> 00:20:12.640
You don't have to read it.
00:20:14.319 --> 00:20:14.880
Liar.
00:20:15.359 --> 00:20:16.160
No, I do.
00:20:16.319 --> 00:20:18.319
I have it right in front of me.
00:20:19.519 --> 00:20:20.160
Wow.
00:20:20.559 --> 00:20:22.079
The trust is crumbling.
00:20:22.319 --> 00:20:26.000
Oh, it's crumbling to the ground.
00:20:26.319 --> 00:20:28.160
I enjoy you so much.
00:20:29.440 --> 00:20:31.279
I needed this today.
00:20:33.200 --> 00:20:33.519
Okay.
00:20:34.160 --> 00:20:41.119
So when we think about needing things, right, there's there's very few things in this world that we absolutely need.
00:20:41.359 --> 00:20:45.359
We need sustenance for our body in order to thrive.
00:20:45.519 --> 00:20:48.400
We need water, we need air to breathe, right?
00:20:48.640 --> 00:20:50.960
Stop and think when any of those things are taken away.
00:20:52.000 --> 00:20:59.920
If you're if you can't breathe, if you can't breathe, you're gonna do everything in your power to find somewhere to breathe.
00:21:00.079 --> 00:21:02.559
Like you're gonna fight, fight, fight.
00:21:02.960 --> 00:21:06.000
When you are hungry, people do crazy things.
00:21:06.240 --> 00:21:11.680
They steal, they hurt people for food because it's it's survival, like it's a need.
00:21:12.160 --> 00:21:29.759
So I think when you take something that's emotional and you place that in the category of need, at what point do we stop actually caring for ourselves because we are fighting so hard to get something that we think we can't survive without?
00:21:31.039 --> 00:21:48.079
But there's a need So if you say belong, you say if belonging as when you put belonging as a need, it means that you're gonna you're gonna sacrifice your morals, your values, you're gonna sacrifice who you are as a person in order to chase this thing that you think you need in order to sustain your life.
00:21:48.559 --> 00:21:49.680
Some people and some people do.
00:21:49.759 --> 00:21:54.400
I mean, the worst of the worst I can think of in terms of belonging is a cult, right?
00:21:54.640 --> 00:21:59.759
Where you just are like, you're gonna do whatever that cult leader tells you, follow the lead.
00:22:00.400 --> 00:22:02.480
I know remember I'm trying I'm trying to start one.
00:22:02.559 --> 00:22:03.359
I'm trying to start one.
00:22:03.440 --> 00:22:05.039
I don't need to tell all my potentials.
00:22:05.440 --> 00:22:06.240
The secret.
00:22:07.200 --> 00:22:09.440
Hush, hush, we don't use the C word.
00:22:11.519 --> 00:22:14.640
That's actually a very good example, is a Colts.
00:22:15.119 --> 00:22:18.559
Even just certain clubs or academics.
00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:26.480
You've got like you have when I talked to Kristin for the mini episode when you talk about the mob mentality, right?
00:22:26.720 --> 00:22:35.599
We talked about the mob mentality and how people will actually compromise their own values and morals in order to just belong within that group and be a part of something.
00:22:35.920 --> 00:22:38.559
But doesn't that highlight though that it's a need?
00:22:38.799 --> 00:22:50.079
I mean, not that we should be doing those bad things, but that the the fact that Can I ask you a question being pushed if you didn't belong, if you didn't belong anywhere, would you cease to exist?
00:22:51.440 --> 00:22:51.759
No.
00:22:52.720 --> 00:22:54.000
Then how can it be a need?
00:22:54.160 --> 00:22:55.119
Well it's a want.
00:22:55.359 --> 00:22:56.720
But isn't it good for our mental design?
00:22:58.240 --> 00:22:59.519
Are we social beings?
00:23:00.079 --> 00:23:02.640
We're social beings, but it's still not a need.
00:23:02.720 --> 00:23:04.240
It is a want and a desire.
00:23:04.480 --> 00:23:04.720
Okay.
00:23:05.279 --> 00:23:06.400
That's fair.
00:23:06.799 --> 00:23:09.039
It is not necessary for survival.
00:23:09.680 --> 00:23:10.000
Okay.
00:23:11.279 --> 00:23:15.279
So the why And I mean, and anybody that wants can come at well, no, wait, wait, stop.
00:23:15.359 --> 00:23:18.000
Anybody that wants can come at me if with what with that, right?
00:23:18.079 --> 00:23:25.519
So like there's a lot of people I think that it as far as the whole world, everybody's gonna view the meaning of words differently.
00:23:25.920 --> 00:23:30.240
I approach everything in a very direct fashion.
00:23:30.480 --> 00:23:31.839
And you know that, Kaylin.
00:23:32.000 --> 00:23:36.640
I do have a lot of abstract thoughts, but when it comes to language, I am not abstract.
00:23:36.720 --> 00:23:44.000
And so the definition of the word need is it it doesn't fit with belonging.
00:23:44.480 --> 00:23:44.799
Okay.
00:23:45.119 --> 00:23:45.920
That's fair.
00:23:46.400 --> 00:24:04.240
Which is why when we start trying to belong to groups that we think we need, when we we need to belong, we put ourselves in situations that not only can be harmful to who we are as a human, but they could also be harmful to our bodies physically.
00:24:04.400 --> 00:24:11.599
Like we put ourselves in situations where we start allowing things to happen to us that we know are not right, that we know are not okay.
00:24:11.759 --> 00:24:19.839
And then we circle all the way back to the very beginning of this when we started talking about surviving a toxic uh relationship, right?
00:24:19.920 --> 00:24:27.759
So we could circle back to the very first, and it was the sense of belonging in that toxic relationship that kept you in that situation.
00:24:28.000 --> 00:24:29.519
It was that need to belong.
00:24:29.680 --> 00:24:33.039
It was that need that did that, and letting others convince you.
00:24:33.359 --> 00:24:36.799
So belonging, belonging should not yeah, yeah.
00:24:36.880 --> 00:24:40.640
And so, so need should never be associated with belonging.
00:24:40.720 --> 00:24:42.480
It is a want and a desire.
00:24:42.720 --> 00:24:51.279
And if we can look at it from that perspective, we can start being we can start having a little bit more discernment in where we place ourselves.
00:24:51.440 --> 00:25:07.440
We can start holding some sort of love and care and protection for ourselves in order to discern where we where we should, where we should belong, where we should want to belong, not need.
00:25:07.599 --> 00:25:08.400
We should want to belong.
00:25:08.799 --> 00:25:13.359
Have you ever found yourself in situations where you felt you needed to belong then?
00:25:13.519 --> 00:25:14.799
Maybe is the question.
00:25:16.160 --> 00:25:17.119
Oh yeah, of course.
00:25:17.279 --> 00:25:28.079
I I don't think there's I think if you the general population, I mean maybe there's some yeah, maybe there's some people out there that could say no, but I would imagine that that number's probably low.
00:25:28.319 --> 00:25:30.640
And I might side-eye them and be like, really?
00:25:31.119 --> 00:25:33.920
Yeah, you know what I mean?
00:25:34.240 --> 00:25:34.640
Yeah.
00:25:35.200 --> 00:25:40.880
I think from a very young age, I think we all felt like we needed to belong because we were told we needed to belong.
00:25:41.440 --> 00:25:42.160
That's a good point.
00:25:42.240 --> 00:25:42.720
You're right.
00:25:42.799 --> 00:25:44.240
You yeah, that is true.
00:25:44.640 --> 00:25:48.640
So then belonging could actually limit us in a lot of ways.
00:25:48.960 --> 00:25:54.480
And now the process requires us to recognize healthy belonging, what that looks like.
00:25:54.640 --> 00:25:58.559
And so that brings us back to discernment, which is what you had said, Wendy.
00:25:58.720 --> 00:26:08.160
So discernment is being able to look at a situation and decide if this is this is good or bad, and if we need to stay or leave.
00:26:08.720 --> 00:26:11.839
So, how do we choose where we belong?
00:26:12.319 --> 00:26:20.319
I think before you can choose where you belong, and this has been, we've been like the the progression of all of these series together's led to the culmination right here.
00:26:20.400 --> 00:26:21.920
This is where we're ending it, right?
00:26:22.079 --> 00:26:40.559
And I think as we've gone through all of these episodes, I think if you can identify the toxic, if you can identify what you're healing from, if you can authentically be yourself and learn to love you, I think that that's where you start finding that discernment.
00:26:40.720 --> 00:26:44.480
And I think one, the belonging is going to naturally find you.
00:26:44.720 --> 00:26:59.759
And two, you're gonna have uh rose-colored glasses scrunched up on the floor and you're gonna start seeing people for who they are, the value add that they give to you and the value add that you can give to them.
00:26:59.839 --> 00:27:04.000
Because here's the thing is you could be a safe space for me, Caitlin.
00:27:04.640 --> 00:27:16.640
But if I was toxic for you, yes, I might feel like the belonging with you is great, but I also need to be able to recognize how my actions are affecting the people that I belong to.
00:27:17.119 --> 00:27:18.079
Absolutely.
00:27:18.319 --> 00:27:20.960
Yeah, so and I could, it's it's interesting.
00:27:21.039 --> 00:27:34.079
So when you think about discernment and how that actually develops, and I I don't know if there's a lot of answers there, but you did talk about you know valuing yourself, respecting yourself, understanding that you deserve better.
00:27:34.160 --> 00:27:38.240
And I think those are really important before you can really ever discern a situation.
00:27:38.720 --> 00:27:49.599
For me, I would say I was in my mid-30s, and I am I am a Reiki master teacher, and Reiki is just a form of energy healing where you you let energy flow through your body, typically out of your hands.
00:27:49.920 --> 00:27:53.680
And something clicked when I took my classes.
00:27:53.759 --> 00:27:58.079
I was like, oh, I can direct my energy.
00:27:58.240 --> 00:28:02.400
I can turn it up, I can turn it down, I can not give my energy.
00:28:02.559 --> 00:28:05.519
I have a reservoir that I have to keep full.
00:28:05.759 --> 00:28:09.119
Because if I deplete that, I'm no good to anybody.
00:28:09.200 --> 00:28:12.160
Uh, because I was apparently I was a people pleaser.
00:28:12.400 --> 00:28:16.319
I was someone who didn't have a lot of good boundaries.
00:28:16.559 --> 00:28:21.759
And once I realized I could do that, I was able to develop that sense of discernment.
00:28:21.920 --> 00:28:30.640
Like, this person doesn't deserve my energy, or maybe this person deserves this amount of energy, and this person deserves that amount of energy.
00:28:30.880 --> 00:28:32.799
And that's what really helped me.
00:28:32.880 --> 00:28:41.680
And I know that's sorry for those of you who maybe aren't very into those spiritual practices, but I I look at it as how you give your energy.
00:28:46.960 --> 00:28:48.480
Don't be sorry.
00:28:49.359 --> 00:28:54.960
You I get you understand some people aren't into those, but there's no reason to apologize because you are.
00:28:55.200 --> 00:29:05.920
Because it takes me back to the conversation we were having in last week's episode where you were talking about how you had to you felt like you had to tiptoe around in your science community and within your spiritual community.
00:29:06.240 --> 00:29:13.119
So, and then this is a great example, and I'm I'm sorry, I'm not trying to call you out on this, but instead of tiptoeing around.
00:29:14.000 --> 00:29:22.400
I do, but instead of tiptoeing around in two separate communities, find the community that you belong to that that holds idealism in both.
00:29:22.640 --> 00:29:24.079
You know what I mean?
00:29:24.640 --> 00:29:26.240
So I just I I love you.
00:29:26.319 --> 00:29:28.559
I don't I'm I'm on a the sorry man.
00:29:28.799 --> 00:29:30.319
No, the way you don't be sorry.
00:29:30.559 --> 00:29:35.599
Yeah, no, we were we're in a friend group and somebody said that somebody had broken up and I thought it was for real.
00:29:35.680 --> 00:29:44.480
And the way she caught me emotionally was like, whoa, I couldn't I just visualize the trust ball thing where I could fall back and you would catch me.
00:29:45.599 --> 00:29:47.519
Yeah, no, I caught I caught it immediately.
00:29:48.319 --> 00:29:49.279
I stopped him.
00:29:49.839 --> 00:29:53.119
I was like, well, guys, whoa, look what you're doing to Kaylin.
00:29:53.279 --> 00:29:55.920
Somebody better tell her this is a joke.
00:29:57.039 --> 00:29:58.000
Oh, yeah.
00:29:58.160 --> 00:29:59.599
So I get it.
00:29:59.759 --> 00:30:08.240
So do you have any experiences or anything in regards to when you decided to be more intentional about where you belonged?
00:30:08.720 --> 00:30:19.359
Um boy, that's oh, you know, that's been a journey I've been walking on for years, and I I can't even tell you that I'm there a hundred percent.
00:30:19.599 --> 00:30:27.359
I mean, you've seen me move into situations that weren't necessarily good for me and still have those rose-colored glasses on and make excuses for it.
00:30:27.440 --> 00:30:30.480
So I think it's uh it's a work in progress at all times for all of us.
00:30:30.720 --> 00:30:31.119
Absolutely.
00:30:31.359 --> 00:30:34.640
And I think what's important is that we always have our eyes open.
00:30:35.279 --> 00:30:42.640
I do not expect myself to sit back and say that, oh well, it was then, and all of a sudden now I don't have this problem anymore.
00:30:42.720 --> 00:30:46.880
And I'm sorry if I came off to anybody with that kind with that kind of energy.
00:30:47.039 --> 00:30:51.839
I am feeling a little sassy today, not classy, so I apologize.
00:30:52.240 --> 00:30:57.440
But yeah, no, I think I think it's always going to be a work in progress, and I don't think we're always gonna know.
00:30:57.839 --> 00:31:13.759
I think we could definitely read energy, and I think keeping the glasses off and not making excuses for the red flags or the caution flags, the yellow flags, whether it's in a friendship and a family dynamic, or if it's a relationship, you've got to have your eyes open.
00:31:13.920 --> 00:31:16.559
And we you can't put people on pedestals.
00:31:16.880 --> 00:31:21.680
You also cannot rely too heavy on them for for your worth.
00:31:21.759 --> 00:31:23.599
Like that has to come from within you.
00:31:23.759 --> 00:31:27.119
And so years of therapy, Caitlin.
00:31:27.599 --> 00:31:32.480
Like, I will be the first one to say if you don't have a therapist, get a therapist.
00:31:32.559 --> 00:31:35.039
It will be the best relationship of your life.
00:31:36.400 --> 00:31:36.720
Yeah.
00:31:36.880 --> 00:31:40.240
People are gonna be like, dang it, Wendy, I didn't like my therapist.
00:31:40.480 --> 00:31:46.880
Keep dating your therapist, keep just keep finding, keep just go on first dates with the one therapist to find the one.
00:31:48.240 --> 00:31:52.240
Not keep the spark alive, but just your dating pool now is your new therapist.
00:31:52.400 --> 00:31:54.400
Date a lot of them, find out which one fits.
00:31:54.559 --> 00:31:56.400
They should find your favorite therapist.
00:31:56.880 --> 00:31:58.400
Therapist, find a therapist.
00:31:58.799 --> 00:31:59.759
Oh my gosh.
00:32:00.079 --> 00:32:00.480
They do.
00:32:00.720 --> 00:32:02.559
I don't have you ever heard of BetterHelp.
00:32:02.640 --> 00:32:05.279
There's plenty of apps out there where you could find therapists.
00:32:05.440 --> 00:32:08.480
Like, and we're not sponsored by BetterHelp, I promise you guys.
00:32:09.119 --> 00:32:13.200
But there are places out there where you can go and you can.
00:32:16.960 --> 00:32:18.240
Shameless plug.
00:32:19.279 --> 00:32:21.279
We have 10 listeners, guys.
00:32:21.519 --> 00:32:22.480
Woo-hoop.
00:32:24.640 --> 00:32:26.319
Thanks, mom and dad.
00:32:26.960 --> 00:32:28.319
Oh my gosh.
00:32:29.599 --> 00:32:31.680
50% of our listener pool.
00:32:31.920 --> 00:32:42.160
Yeah, it's it takes quite some time to get to that point where you realize people don't always deserve your don't don't deserve your belonging.
00:32:42.319 --> 00:32:43.599
There you just gotta move on.
00:32:43.680 --> 00:32:44.240
But it's hard.
00:32:44.319 --> 00:32:49.039
It is definitely a process that I think we're always kind of working through.
00:32:49.920 --> 00:32:52.480
Let me let me pose this question to you.
00:32:55.119 --> 00:33:02.000
Because you've seen you've seen me in situations before where, in fact, one of my really good friends now, right?
00:33:02.319 --> 00:33:07.119
When I first met her, I was like, ugh, I don't like her.
00:33:07.359 --> 00:33:08.880
Something about her I don't like.
00:33:09.279 --> 00:33:27.519
Right and so if I would consider that discernment, and this isn't where I belong, as opposed to looking at it from a different angle and being like, wait a second, what is it about her that I I'm not liking?
00:33:28.000 --> 00:33:31.279
What is it about her that's is is she challenging me?
00:33:31.599 --> 00:33:32.559
It's a good way to look at it.
00:33:32.720 --> 00:33:37.519
Is she forcing me to grow into something better than who I am now?
00:33:38.000 --> 00:33:48.240
And by discerning in that moment that I didn't like her because something about her challenged me, I would have missed out on a great friendship that's helped me grow.
00:33:48.480 --> 00:33:48.799
Right.
00:33:49.039 --> 00:33:49.359
Right.
00:33:50.799 --> 00:33:56.960
So I feel like discernment isn't just knowing what's good for you and what's not.
00:33:57.279 --> 00:34:01.279
Discernment exists in how am I treated?
00:34:01.440 --> 00:34:02.960
How am I accepted?
00:34:03.519 --> 00:34:08.239
How open and freely can I be my authentic self?
00:34:08.480 --> 00:34:09.039
Right.
00:34:09.280 --> 00:34:11.920
That that's your guiding question right there, Kaylin.
00:34:12.159 --> 00:34:15.119
So it all goes, it really all goes back to authenticity.
00:34:16.239 --> 00:34:17.360
Yeah, authenticity.
00:34:17.840 --> 00:34:22.159
That makes sense of that leads to healthy belonging, which is where we're moving to next.
00:34:22.320 --> 00:34:27.119
So, what does healthy belonging actually add to our lives?
00:34:29.039 --> 00:34:32.320
Well, I just said, obviously, we've got a great friend group.
00:34:32.480 --> 00:34:37.840
The people that are in my family unit that are belonging, you know me and the phone.
00:34:38.079 --> 00:34:46.480
You know how I'm not the fastest to text back, and I'm not always like I usually look at my phone when somebody's calling, and I'll be like, oh no.
00:34:46.719 --> 00:34:49.599
Yeah, do I have the energy for this right now?
00:34:49.760 --> 00:34:51.920
And I'll be like, hey, what's going on?
00:34:52.320 --> 00:34:53.440
That's when you get a text from me.
00:34:53.519 --> 00:34:58.719
It's like all of a sudden, oh, I haven't heard from Wendy in three days, and now she's texting me because I'm calling her to make sure she's alive.
00:34:59.039 --> 00:35:01.280
She's drinking NyQuil and Dayquil.
00:35:02.960 --> 00:35:04.480
Yeah, you know what?
00:35:04.719 --> 00:35:05.519
I was sick.
00:35:05.840 --> 00:35:06.320
Water.
00:35:06.559 --> 00:35:07.679
I was sick, Caitlin.
00:35:07.840 --> 00:35:09.599
Why do we always go back to that?
00:35:09.920 --> 00:35:12.559
So I drink plenty of water.
00:35:13.039 --> 00:35:15.199
It's in my coffee and my soda.
00:35:15.519 --> 00:35:20.159
So, anyways, just I do drink water, guys.
00:35:20.239 --> 00:35:22.639
I wouldn't survive in construction without water.
00:35:22.880 --> 00:35:26.719
So, anyways, I mean you wouldn't survive it all without water.
00:35:26.960 --> 00:35:30.320
My my kidneys would be wrecked if I didn't drink water, Caitlin.
00:35:30.480 --> 00:35:30.639
Yeah.
00:35:30.800 --> 00:35:32.320
Why are you trying to make me look so bad all the time?
00:35:32.559 --> 00:35:32.960
I'm not.
00:35:33.039 --> 00:35:33.519
I'm concerned.
00:35:33.840 --> 00:35:36.239
I just did the I just did that to myself, didn't I?
00:35:38.320 --> 00:35:44.000
Okay, so back to you just just keep sending me spiraling, then I I love it.
00:35:44.159 --> 00:35:45.360
I do love it.
00:35:45.760 --> 00:35:48.880
But I'm a train wreck if my thoughts don't stay focused.
00:35:48.960 --> 00:35:50.480
I'm all over the place.
00:35:50.800 --> 00:35:53.679
You know this from our conversation sometimes.
00:35:55.280 --> 00:35:57.119
Where were we in this outline?
00:35:57.440 --> 00:36:01.199
What does healthy belonging actually add to our lives?
00:36:02.400 --> 00:36:03.760
Okay, there we go.
00:36:04.000 --> 00:36:06.719
I think it adds personal growth.
00:36:07.440 --> 00:36:10.000
I think it's genuine happiness.
00:36:10.159 --> 00:36:17.039
I think it also allows us to be freer so that we can truly dive in and develop who we are.
00:36:17.280 --> 00:36:20.719
It gives us safe spaces to feel emotions.
00:36:21.199 --> 00:36:21.440
Yep.
00:36:21.599 --> 00:36:25.920
It allows us to disagree without it turning into something personal, right?
00:36:26.000 --> 00:36:30.639
Like, oh, this person views this this way, I view it that way, and that's okay.
00:36:32.159 --> 00:36:34.800
I mean, my way or the right is always the comfies.
00:36:36.880 --> 00:36:38.000
I'm sassy today.
00:36:38.079 --> 00:36:38.719
I'm sorry.
00:36:39.360 --> 00:36:40.320
No, it does.
00:36:40.480 --> 00:36:55.920
It gives you the opportunity, you know, piggybacking off of what you just said, it gives you the opportunity to have open discussions with people and to also have uh the ability to maybe open your mind a little bit more and see things differently, as opposed to the closed-minded perspective you've always had.
00:36:56.000 --> 00:37:04.400
Because I think hearing other people's experiences and understanding other people's lives, it opens up a whole new world for us to even better understand ourselves.
00:37:04.719 --> 00:37:06.000
Yeah, that is true.
00:37:06.159 --> 00:37:09.920
So and it's so we're already complete beings, right?
00:37:10.079 --> 00:37:12.480
And it enriches what is already there.
00:37:12.639 --> 00:37:19.280
So it adds to our lives, and it just lets us be more authentic back to authenticity.
00:37:20.159 --> 00:37:27.440
It's like the more we feel like we belong, the more authentic we are allowed to be in that space.
00:37:28.159 --> 00:37:36.239
Authenticity is one of my favorite words, and it's something that I seek out in most of my close relations.
00:37:36.800 --> 00:37:37.039
Absolutely.
00:37:38.400 --> 00:37:39.440
Absolutely.
00:37:39.760 --> 00:37:54.480
So if we're using discernment to get this healthy belonging, which is wonderful, there's also the other side where we kind of have to look at situations where it's not so healthy, and we're gonna encounter all kinds of people and communities throughout our lives.
00:37:54.559 --> 00:38:01.199
And our job is going to be to discern whether or not this is a healthy or unhealthy space to which we should belong.
00:38:02.480 --> 00:38:07.599
Uh so what happens when belonging no longer serves our growth?
00:38:08.079 --> 00:38:12.480
Oh, so yeah, I do think there's definitely a stagnation.
00:38:12.639 --> 00:38:13.119
Yeah.
00:38:13.360 --> 00:38:20.719
I do feel like yeah, yeah, I feel like you start seeing yourself uh adjusting who you are in order to fit in.
00:38:20.960 --> 00:38:21.119
Yeah.
00:38:21.360 --> 00:38:22.239
Kind of shut down.
00:38:22.559 --> 00:38:26.079
So we move back, yeah, we move back into those icky feelings.
00:38:26.400 --> 00:38:27.280
The mask, the roles.
00:38:27.599 --> 00:38:34.079
And then yeah, and so I think once you start feeling that way, that's like I said, you gotta have them glasses off.
00:38:34.239 --> 00:38:37.360
You've got to be willing to go in and actually deep dive within yourself.
00:38:37.519 --> 00:38:37.760
Yeah.
00:38:38.000 --> 00:38:40.320
And you have to be honest with yourself.
00:38:40.639 --> 00:38:51.360
That's I feel like I don't think enough people appreciate or understand how important and hard it is to be honest with yourself.
00:38:52.159 --> 00:39:01.599
We have a tendency to lie to ourselves so much in order to make things right in our world and in our brain and in our thoughts.
00:39:01.840 --> 00:39:06.079
Like you have to have that ability to be honest with yourself and say, hey.
00:39:06.320 --> 00:39:10.639
And then not only be honest with yourself, but then be honest with the people that you're around.
00:39:10.960 --> 00:39:19.840
Yeah, and I think being honest with yourself too is also, I guess I also have to question, well, am I contributing to this sense of not belonging?
00:39:20.000 --> 00:39:22.880
Am I making maybe somebody else feel like they don't belong?
00:39:23.119 --> 00:39:25.920
I always tell people, real self-reflection is so hard.
00:39:26.079 --> 00:39:26.960
I hate it.
00:39:27.199 --> 00:39:31.199
Because you really have to sit with all the feelings and look at yourself critically.
00:39:31.280 --> 00:39:33.039
You can't just point fingers at other people.
00:39:33.199 --> 00:39:35.119
You really gotta kind of look at what world you play in.
00:39:35.360 --> 00:39:41.360
I mean, you've you've yeah, and you've stated how important it or how uncomfortable it was when you first started meditating.
00:39:41.920 --> 00:39:43.199
I thought I was going crazy.
00:39:43.519 --> 00:39:43.840
Right?
00:39:45.440 --> 00:39:49.039
Yeah, because I think when you meditate, I do it completely differently than you.
00:39:49.119 --> 00:39:57.280
I'm not the uh the ohm sit there quietly you know, flinging incense in my face.
00:39:59.280 --> 00:40:03.280
Because we all know music is something that moves me so intensely, right?
00:40:03.440 --> 00:40:10.000
And we all know it's like breathing, it's like a second language, and I could be listening to music and still thinking, actively thinking.
00:40:10.480 --> 00:40:11.760
I've told you this before.
00:40:12.159 --> 00:40:21.280
I can have music playing while I'm reading a book, and I can sing the songs while they're playing and I'm reading.
00:40:21.519 --> 00:40:22.000
That's cool.
00:40:22.159 --> 00:40:26.079
And then you could stop me and I wouldn't be able to tell you a single song I've read.
00:40:26.320 --> 00:40:27.119
Because you're like in a flow state state.
00:40:27.199 --> 00:40:28.719
You're in a flow state.
00:40:29.920 --> 00:40:31.039
I'm in a flow state.
00:40:31.119 --> 00:40:35.039
So music puts me into a flow state, and so music also puts me into a flow state for meditation.
00:40:35.119 --> 00:40:39.360
So that's one of the reasons I enjoy my job so much is I have so much time to reflect during the day.
00:40:39.519 --> 00:40:46.960
I throw my headphones in, I turn on some music, and then I can I can actually process and reflect on things that are happening in my life.
00:40:47.119 --> 00:40:47.599
Very cool.
00:40:47.760 --> 00:40:53.519
I can process and reflect on my behaviors, my thoughts, how the other people in my life are affecting me.
00:40:53.840 --> 00:40:55.840
And I meditate while I'm working.
00:40:56.000 --> 00:40:59.119
So we can just add that to the list of why Wendy is weird.
00:40:59.440 --> 00:41:05.039
I think that, you know, I actually think that is a blessing that you have that you can do that while you work.
00:41:05.679 --> 00:41:06.320
Yes.
00:41:06.639 --> 00:41:08.079
A hundred percent.
00:41:08.800 --> 00:41:10.320
It's very cool.
00:41:11.599 --> 00:41:23.440
Can you give me any situations where you you had you felt that at one point that you had this sense of belonging, and then you realized you didn't and you had to let it go.
00:41:24.079 --> 00:41:24.480
Yeah.
00:41:24.719 --> 00:41:25.360
I really didn't.
00:41:25.440 --> 00:41:26.559
I don't want to go into relationships.
00:41:26.880 --> 00:41:27.199
That's okay.
00:41:27.280 --> 00:41:28.000
No, that's okay.
00:41:28.079 --> 00:41:30.719
You don't have to I just I can't think it's to be hard.
00:41:30.960 --> 00:41:38.079
To be honest, to be honest, the well the you know, I think that that that that ends up being one of your biggest heartbreaks.
00:41:38.400 --> 00:41:39.519
Oh yeah, totally.
00:41:40.079 --> 00:42:01.199
And and I think that sense of belonging, that losing that in and losing yourself within that belonging, like and I we've touched on it in other episodes in this series, but I definitely have to say that uh the biggest pain, I mean it I want to say my family, but I don't think that I'd be genuine in saying that.
00:42:01.440 --> 00:42:11.360
Because I think I learned I learned at such a a young age, and then with that my you know, having to go at a very young age, you know, coming out, I came out at 21.
00:42:11.760 --> 00:42:19.119
And then having to go a young adolescent, young adult, learning what life was about and having to do it on my own.
00:42:19.360 --> 00:42:27.280
I gave that up so early on that it's I I don't I'm so separated from any pain that came from that.
00:42:28.480 --> 00:42:33.760
But I can tell you that I've had friends that have hurt me very bad.
00:42:34.719 --> 00:42:46.400
You know, I'm a firm believer that if you can't have my back at a table, I'm not sitting at, that's a that's a no-go for me because I'm always gonna have your back at tables you're not at.
00:42:47.199 --> 00:42:53.039
I'm never ever going to allow other people just to fit in or belong with it, because that happens, right?
00:42:53.280 --> 00:42:59.360
Oh, I want to be a part of this friend group and they're making fun of my really close friend, and I'm just gonna laugh and I'm gonna be a part of it.
00:42:59.920 --> 00:43:01.039
No, you can't.
00:43:01.599 --> 00:43:02.400
No, I agree.
00:43:02.719 --> 00:43:09.199
Like that's that's that's one of those situations where you say, I don't belong here, because this person matters greatly to me.
00:43:09.360 --> 00:43:19.039
And I'm not you she might as well be here right now if you're talking like if you're talking like that about her while while I'm sitting in front of you knowing our relationship.
00:43:19.199 --> 00:43:19.679
Yeah.
00:43:20.639 --> 00:43:25.760
That was that was a very that was a very poor choice on your part because Wendy's not going to keep her mouth shut.
00:43:26.159 --> 00:43:26.320
Right.
00:43:26.480 --> 00:43:41.840
And so it's I think our expectation that people are going to treat us the way that we treat or love them, and then having and then feeling that sense of belonging because you have that that idea that that is what's going on, and then them not.
00:43:42.559 --> 00:43:44.480
I mean, I think that that's painful.
00:43:44.800 --> 00:43:45.280
Yeah.
00:43:45.519 --> 00:43:46.320
It is painful.
00:43:46.400 --> 00:43:48.960
And I can give you a specific example.
00:43:49.280 --> 00:43:53.840
So, as I've talked about in the past, I have I I'm big into spirituality.
00:43:54.000 --> 00:43:59.679
I've been part, you know, I went to Catholic schools, I've been part of churches of various religions, I've studied Buddhism.
00:44:00.079 --> 00:44:02.800
I've studied Hinduism through my yoga training.
00:44:03.039 --> 00:44:11.360
And I I I like to think that I take some gems from each of them, which actually, if you look at them very closely, there's a lot of similar concepts.
00:44:11.519 --> 00:44:13.599
It's basically be a nice person.
00:44:13.760 --> 00:44:15.119
Well, be a good person.
00:44:15.280 --> 00:44:17.199
Let's say be a good person.
00:44:17.599 --> 00:44:19.760
Unfortunately, I've just found with community.
00:44:20.159 --> 00:44:24.960
Yeah, share with the group for me because you just said you just corrected yourself when you said be a nice person.
00:44:25.199 --> 00:44:25.440
Oh.
00:44:25.679 --> 00:44:26.639
You said be a good person.
00:44:26.880 --> 00:44:29.599
So because that's one of the things that I well, hang on.
00:44:29.679 --> 00:44:37.920
One of the things that I always say is I I always say, I don't know why people think I'm a nice person.
00:44:38.159 --> 00:44:39.360
I am not a nice person.
00:44:39.440 --> 00:44:40.880
And Caitlin always says this.
00:44:41.119 --> 00:44:46.159
Yes, uh years ago I was at a diversity seminar, and I should have known better.
00:44:46.239 --> 00:44:47.599
I shouldn't have even used the word nice.
00:44:47.679 --> 00:44:54.079
But this gentleman who was leading the seminar said, nice stands for not inclined to critically examine.
00:44:54.320 --> 00:44:55.920
So I'll give you an example of nice.
00:44:56.079 --> 00:45:01.039
Nice is laughing at a racist joke because you don't want to confront the person who said the joke.
00:45:01.199 --> 00:45:04.880
Being good or being kind is saying, you know, that that's not funny.
00:45:04.960 --> 00:45:07.519
That that's racist and pointing it out.
00:45:07.599 --> 00:45:09.519
And even if you have to rock about a bit.
00:45:09.679 --> 00:45:14.880
So nice isn't that was not the best choice of words.
00:45:16.800 --> 00:45:21.920
So back to I mean, that's why that's we're we're not we're not nice people, Kaylin.
00:45:22.000 --> 00:45:22.639
We're good people.
00:45:22.960 --> 00:45:23.440
Yeah.
00:45:23.760 --> 00:45:27.280
So And you're the one, but you're the one, you're the one that taught me that.
00:45:27.360 --> 00:45:27.599
Yeah.
00:45:27.760 --> 00:45:29.039
Like I love that.
00:45:29.199 --> 00:45:29.679
I love that.
00:45:29.760 --> 00:45:30.239
That's true.
00:45:30.400 --> 00:45:31.199
Because you taught me that.
00:45:31.760 --> 00:45:32.800
And yes.
00:45:33.039 --> 00:45:35.679
Thanks, thanks for helping me grow within my belongings.
00:45:36.000 --> 00:45:36.480
Good, good.
00:45:36.960 --> 00:45:40.400
So being part of I've been, like I said, I've been part of churches.
00:45:40.480 --> 00:45:42.159
I was even part of a meditation group.
00:45:42.239 --> 00:45:43.840
I was part of a Buddhism group.
00:45:44.400 --> 00:45:46.320
The thing is, I do question things.
00:45:46.400 --> 00:45:48.719
I don't accept certain ideas.
00:45:48.960 --> 00:45:53.360
I feel that this is probably gonna make people mad, but here we go.
00:45:53.599 --> 00:45:58.880
I feel that so so religions have dogmas, right?
00:45:58.960 --> 00:46:03.679
They have dogmas, they have ideas that they want to spread, that they want their believers to follow.
00:46:03.920 --> 00:46:08.960
I feel like there are concepts in every tradition that I call them fatal flaws.
00:46:09.360 --> 00:46:18.800
I'm not gonna get into all that today, but I feel like there are concepts that can be weaponized that can really be get dark if you take them to the extreme.
00:46:19.119 --> 00:46:23.440
I don't like extremes, especially in terms of spirituality and religion.
00:46:23.920 --> 00:46:36.719
And I've just found that people don't really like when you, you know, people who are very what would we call like devout or devoted, they don't like it when you challenge those ideas.
00:46:37.039 --> 00:46:44.719
And you can really make people mad or kind of turn people off and they kind of don't want to deal with you anymore once you start to question them.
00:46:45.039 --> 00:46:49.360
And it's hard because I've found that these communities, it's easy community.
00:46:49.519 --> 00:46:50.480
I will admit that.
00:46:50.559 --> 00:46:52.559
Uh, you know, a church is very easy community.
00:46:52.639 --> 00:46:53.920
You're immediately in community.
00:46:54.159 --> 00:46:56.639
You're in community with people who are local to you.
00:46:56.880 --> 00:47:01.920
Everyone initially, especially when you're the new person, is very friendly and nice and wants to get to know you.
00:47:02.079 --> 00:47:08.320
But then as you start to challenge things and buck the system, people get kind of leery.
00:47:08.400 --> 00:47:11.199
Those who don't buck the system, let's say.
00:47:11.519 --> 00:47:21.199
So that is one thing I've had to let go of, and that's been hard because I do enjoy to sit in church for an hour and not have to do any have any other responsibilities.
00:47:21.440 --> 00:47:22.800
I don't have a problem with that.
00:47:22.960 --> 00:47:25.039
I grew up, I went to Catholic school for 13 years.
00:47:25.199 --> 00:47:27.440
Going to church was very much part of my routine.
00:47:27.679 --> 00:47:29.760
Going to a meditation session, it's great.
00:47:29.920 --> 00:47:32.960
It's it's you feel good afterwards, it's wonderful.
00:47:33.199 --> 00:47:39.760
I just have realized that at this point in my life, that community just isn't for me.
00:47:39.840 --> 00:47:41.920
And that's been hard to let go of.
00:47:42.320 --> 00:47:44.800
I think it becomes such a part of who you are.
00:47:44.960 --> 00:47:45.360
It does.
00:47:45.760 --> 00:47:48.639
We're told that it that it that it holds a piece of our identity.
00:47:48.800 --> 00:47:50.159
Yeah, oh absolutely, yeah.
00:47:50.320 --> 00:47:54.079
Going to catch Catholic school for 13 years, you know, honoring the Sabbath.
00:47:54.320 --> 00:47:55.519
Yeah, like absolutely.
00:47:55.679 --> 00:47:58.480
It does become very much a part of your identity.
00:48:00.400 --> 00:48:02.960
Yeah, I mean that that that goes back to beneath the mask, right?
00:48:03.039 --> 00:48:09.360
When you're trying to figure out who you you truly are and how to be, yeah, how to be that person, you know what I mean?
00:48:09.519 --> 00:48:10.880
Um yeah.
00:48:11.199 --> 00:48:15.679
No, I've so churches, but I told you.
00:48:16.320 --> 00:48:18.400
I'm gonna I'm gonna make the internet mad.
00:48:18.639 --> 00:48:21.840
I think we both churches have never really liked me.
00:48:22.880 --> 00:48:28.079
Churches have not like even from a young age, churches have never really liked me.
00:48:28.400 --> 00:48:31.440
Because I was the one that was questioning all the stories.
00:48:31.760 --> 00:48:33.599
I was like, well, that doesn't make sense.
00:48:33.679 --> 00:48:34.639
How did that happen?
00:48:34.800 --> 00:48:36.639
Well, that you know what I mean?
00:48:36.880 --> 00:48:38.159
Like, huh?
00:48:38.400 --> 00:48:40.159
How is it just Adam and Eve?
00:48:40.239 --> 00:48:45.840
And now all of a sudden there's 10,000 people and they only had two boys, like make that compete in my brain.
00:48:45.920 --> 00:48:46.079
Right.
00:48:46.239 --> 00:48:53.920
And listen, they only had two boys and one of them off the other one because apparently the world was too small for four people.
00:48:54.559 --> 00:48:55.679
You know what I'm saying?
00:48:55.840 --> 00:49:00.079
Like I was off the nursery rhyme, like the the fables, right?
00:49:00.159 --> 00:49:07.599
It's just it's the it's the same thing as as reading like about Hansel and Gretel and you know, all of those nursery rhymes.
00:49:07.679 --> 00:49:12.079
Like they're just warning labels to try to get people to act in a better way.
00:49:12.239 --> 00:49:17.760
Um, but it's it's I it it feels icky to me that there's so much control in it.
00:49:17.920 --> 00:49:20.320
Like obviously, there's always going to be conditions.
00:49:20.480 --> 00:49:22.960
There's always there's always gonna be conditions in life.
00:49:23.039 --> 00:49:29.440
Like we unconditional love, like we can love somebody, but we're always going to have conditions.
00:49:29.519 --> 00:49:30.719
That's what we call our boundaries.
00:49:30.800 --> 00:49:32.159
Those are our conditions.
00:49:32.480 --> 00:49:36.719
I will love you, but you do have to respect me too, right?
00:49:37.280 --> 00:49:51.920
And the conditions that are placed on, I think with not think of the conditions that were placed on me within churches, yeah, were conditions that I happily and gladly said, absolutely not.
00:49:52.400 --> 00:50:00.960
Yeah, well, and no the comment that you got this morning, some churches they feel that way about women that you should be in the home baking cookies.
00:50:01.039 --> 00:50:03.440
I mean, they literally, and that's not not being extreme.
00:50:03.840 --> 00:50:04.800
Do you remember?
00:50:05.519 --> 00:50:10.480
Do you remember earlier when I said that um I'm a weirdo and I like to research things?
00:50:10.719 --> 00:50:14.480
Oh, I did a I did a deep dive in religion, don't you worry.
00:50:14.639 --> 00:50:17.840
Like, much like you, the Buddhism and all of that.
00:50:18.079 --> 00:50:21.760
I I I heavily researched Christianity more.
00:50:22.159 --> 00:50:30.000
So, like Lutheran, Jehovah's Witness, Catholic, non-denomination, Church of Christ, Baptist, you know what I'm saying?
00:50:30.480 --> 00:50:42.239
And I just don't look at me and tell me that I have to follow something that not only one is not in its original form, but has been manipulated by so many, like King James hated women.
00:50:42.719 --> 00:50:44.320
He hated women.
00:50:44.639 --> 00:50:50.880
And he he's the one that put down, put together the Bible that everybody is reading right now and calling it facts.
00:50:51.039 --> 00:50:57.199
And it's it's it's amazing because nobody wants to stop and look at how limiting it is for women.
00:50:57.280 --> 00:51:01.280
It's it's it's meant to squash them down and make them feel small and like they're less than.
00:51:01.599 --> 00:51:03.119
I'm sorry, I'm a firm believer.
00:51:03.280 --> 00:51:04.880
This world would not exist without women.
00:51:05.039 --> 00:51:05.199
Right.
00:51:05.440 --> 00:51:07.119
Everybody is born initially.
00:51:07.280 --> 00:51:10.239
The the the zygote is a a female.
00:51:10.880 --> 00:51:11.280
Yep.
00:51:11.519 --> 00:51:13.039
Everybody is born female.
00:51:13.199 --> 00:51:15.760
Life begins You are a female for the first six weeks.
00:51:16.079 --> 00:51:18.320
Women, absolutely.
00:51:18.800 --> 00:51:19.280
Yep.
00:51:20.079 --> 00:51:20.800
Absolutely.
00:51:20.960 --> 00:51:27.760
So unfortunately, sometimes our growth requires departure from places we felt we once belonged.
00:51:27.840 --> 00:51:29.119
And that is really hard.
00:51:29.280 --> 00:51:33.840
So most conversations assume belonging is something we find.
00:51:34.400 --> 00:51:37.280
But maybe belonging isn't something we discover.
00:51:37.760 --> 00:51:39.360
Maybe it's something we choose.
00:51:40.079 --> 00:51:52.880
Maybe belonging isn't about finding people who complete us, maybe it's about finding people who expand us, people who challenge us, support us, and create space for who we're becoming.
00:51:53.440 --> 00:51:57.599
Because perhaps the deepest form of belonging isn't losing yourself in a group.
00:51:58.000 --> 00:52:02.159
It's knowing yourself well enough to choose your connections wisely.
00:52:03.679 --> 00:52:08.320
Maybe belonging isn't about finally finding a place where everything fits.
00:52:09.039 --> 00:52:14.639
Maybe it's about learning the difference between connection that confines us and connection that helps us grow.
00:52:15.679 --> 00:52:21.599
Maybe it's about choosing people who make room for our growth rather than demanding our conformity.
00:52:22.559 --> 00:52:26.559
Maybe it's about recognizing that belonging doesn't have to come from need.
00:52:28.880 --> 00:52:36.480
It can come from intention, from discernment, and from a willingness to share life with others without losing ourselves in the process.
00:52:36.639 --> 00:52:41.679
Because belonging isn't just about where we fit, it's about who we become through the connection we choose.
00:52:42.000 --> 00:52:43.519
So I'll leave you with this question.
00:52:44.239 --> 00:52:50.000
Does the belonging in your life ask you to become less of yourself or more of yourself?
00:52:50.400 --> 00:52:53.519
And as always, what's missing from a discussion?
00:52:55.280 --> 00:53:17.280
Before we head out, Caitlin, since that was the end of our series, I would like to say thank you to everybody who's listened to these first episodes on identity about who we are and how life shapes us and why we hide and what it really means to belong.
00:53:17.519 --> 00:53:22.559
Um, hopefully we've made you think, challenged you a little bit, and even helped you see yourself in a new way.
00:53:22.719 --> 00:53:28.800
But now we're moving on to our next series, which is going to be the hidden forces.
00:53:29.599 --> 00:53:30.960
Uh, I'm excited about it.
00:53:31.039 --> 00:53:33.360
I know Kaylin is excited about it.
00:53:33.599 --> 00:53:45.519
Um, it was developed over uh one topic she wanted to discuss and then decided we were going to make this a series because it could also be beneficial and a great after the series, right?
00:53:45.679 --> 00:53:46.320
Mm-hmm, absolutely.
00:53:46.639 --> 00:53:55.519
And it's yeah, so over the next five episodes, we're going to explore some of the things that quietly influence all of us, often without us even realizing it.
00:53:55.679 --> 00:54:00.079
We'll talk about obsession, envy, power, revenge, and certainty.
00:54:00.320 --> 00:54:05.519
Not because those things only affect certain people, but because they're a part of being human.
00:54:06.239 --> 00:54:08.000
We're not here to tell you what to think.
00:54:08.079 --> 00:54:10.719
We're just inviting you into a conversation.
00:54:10.960 --> 00:54:14.079
And each episode is going to build on the last until the end.
00:54:14.239 --> 00:54:16.079
Hopefully, you guys like this one.
00:54:16.239 --> 00:54:22.320
And we hope that you will like and understand the hidden forces a little better by the time we're done.
00:54:22.480 --> 00:54:25.280
Maybe even understand yourself a little better.
00:54:25.599 --> 00:54:28.800
Until then, keep asking what's missing from the discussion.
00:54:29.039 --> 00:54:29.760
I am Wendy.
00:54:30.719 --> 00:54:31.519
Peace out.
00:54:31.840 --> 00:54:32.639
Did you like that?
00:54:33.039 --> 00:54:33.679
I did.
00:54:35.440 --> 00:54:37.039
I liked it a lot.