Understanding Isn't Healing: Why Explaining Your Past Doesn't Fix It — and What Actually Does

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Now I feel like I owe my listeners an apology
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and that is because I've avoided the topic of
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optimizing about children and kids because to
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be honest with you, I don't have any kids. Ashley
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and I aren't able to and that's something we've
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known for a very long time. She found out when
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she was 16. Now because of that reality, it's
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made me gun shy to discuss this topic on the
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podcast even though almost doing this for an
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entire year. I'm very passionate about helping
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people improve their mindset and overcome their
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limitations and their false beliefs. And consequently,
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a lot of those things are formed from their childhood.
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Not to just blame your parents for everything,
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but we know in those formative years, a lot of
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things are stemmed from those moments. So because
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of that, I'm really passionate about helping
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people heal from those things and also, in their
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parenting, share my perspectives on what I've
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learned from healing from my past and helping
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others do the same. So let's get into it. Welcome
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to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. I'm Josh Negron,
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and this show is all about sharing lessons, ideas,
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and strategies that sharpen your thinking, strengthen
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your habits, and push you to grow beyond comfort
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zones. Let's dive in. Okay, so like I said in
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the intro, we don't have any kids. So why am
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I even qualified or passionate or care about
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talking about this? Well, like I said earlier,
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all of our childhoods are formative in our views
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that we have of ourselves, how we view other
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people, and even how we view a figure like God.
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And so those are things that people carry on
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into their adult lives and can have massive implications
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on how they interact with the world. Now, for
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me personally, I got about halfway through my
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master's program in marriage and family. therapy
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until my career took a different turn. And so
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I learned a lot in my 20s about particularly
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cognitive behavioral therapy. And when I transitioned
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to a different direction in my career, initially
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it was tempting to believe that that was a waste
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of time. But I will tell you those skills and
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those things that I learned in that were so valuable
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in the workplace, in personal relationships,
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and even leadership later on. Since then, I've
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done my own work personally in realizing what
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types of false beliefs were laying under the
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surface. for many, many years and the lessons
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that I learned from that experience. And then
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over the last four years, I've worked closely
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with college kids every semester in a group therapy
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session in helping them look at their past and
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see how their childhood, their development shaped
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their views of their selves and others and how
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that a lot of times holds them back and keeps
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them in unwanted behaviors that make them feel
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stuck. And on top of that, foster feelings of
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shame, self -loathing, and so much more. So out
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of those things, this is why this topic is passionate
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and close to my heart. Generally, I don't give
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out parenting advice, quotation marks, unless
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asked, because I, again, I don't feel as qualified
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as other people in certain contexts to have conversations
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about this. At the very same time, I have a unique
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skill set that I've developed over many years
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of intentional focus in helping others, walking
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through this journey myself, and of course, my
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formal schooling back in my 20s. So what I'd
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like to share with you today is specifically
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a concept that I remember going through with
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my therapist when we were walking through these
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things, in that when you become aware of particular
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moments in your childhood, particularly, that
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you could label as traumatic. I know trauma is
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like becoming a cliche now with people using
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it for all sorts of things, from things that
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are very serious to things that are seemingly
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not so much compared to those things. But nevertheless,
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when you look back and you see those things,
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one thing that I've found a lot of adults do
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is once they become aware of those things, the
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things they've been wanting to avoid or not think
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about, or those experiences that have cast a
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dark shadow across their adulthood, is that once
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they are willing to stop being avoidant about
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it to begin with, and they're able to look back
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at it, then they can start to dissect it and
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really utilize adult logic in how they unpack
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and interpret that experience. And a lot of times
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it can help them understand the why. Something
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happened. But unfortunately, logic alone a lot
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of times ends up being really incomplete in the
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healing process. So you hear a lot of people
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saying things like, well, my dad did the best
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he could. I know why my mom was this way. Like
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now looking back, I can see the things that she
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was wrestling with and it only makes sense that
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she was this way or that she treated me that
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way or she responded to certain things in this
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manner. And on the one hand, I don't want to
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make that sound like that's not a good thing.
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In those realizations of realizing, why people
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do certain things, it can really help in the
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forgiveness journey when it comes to forgiving
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someone else for the things that you experienced.
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A lot of parents out there will make jokes when
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their kids go to therapy and go, oh great, let
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me guess, it's all my fault. That's kind of the
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expectation that you'll go back and figure out
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all the things that your parents did horribly
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and messed you up and then look to blame them
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and then somehow you'll be fine. And that's terrible,
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really. And when I work with my college kids,
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it's an interesting dynamic because everyone's
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different, but you start to see commonalities
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that are, afflict certain people and certain
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categories. So as a general rule, if you had
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parents that loved you, it's also guaranteed
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that they hurt you in some way. And that's because
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we're all human, we all make mistakes, and none
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of us are at our best all the time. And so we
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just have to realize that that's a fact. So let's
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establish that baseline. And so when I work with
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college kids who have good parents, there are
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some that still have an amazing relationship
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with their parents. And then the other side can
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have strained relationships with their parents.
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But let's focus on the first one. Now this category
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is very interesting because I find them wrestling
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the most with feeling guilty by looking back
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on the things that their parents did and how
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it affected them. Sometimes I hear them say things
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like, man, like, but I love my parents and I
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don't want to blame them. And they almost feel
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guilty for recognizing the moments of responsibility
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their parents had in shaping those moments that
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weren't necessarily the best. And so in those
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moments, when we go through the curriculum, we
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talk about recognizing those moments of responsibility
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and the things that they contributed to those
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moments, that that isn't the same as casting
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100 % blame on those scenarios to their parents
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and looking to have them essentially be a scapegoat
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for all those things. That's not... what we're
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after, but also recognizing this tension that
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our parents may have loved us, but they also
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hurt us. And so that boils down to a simple phrase
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that we talk about a lot when I work with these
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college students is that we are hurt in relationships
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and we are also healed in relationships. And
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that's a super powerful thing to understand when
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you're going back and you're looking at these
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kinds of things. But this cerebral knowledge
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and understanding of those moments is typically
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the first step. And we talk about, you know,
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the thing. things you know in your mind and then
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the things you know in your heart and how a lot
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of times you can understand something cerebrally
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first before understanding it in your heart.
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That's kind of that same idea. So when you go
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back and you're willing to relive and really
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put yourself in a situation from the past to
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see what things that you can potentially learn
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from it, if there are other people involved in
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those wounds, in those moments, then a lot of
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times you'll understand it first. from a logical,
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analytical standpoint. And you start to think
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and say things like, yeah, I can understand why
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they said that. All those phrases we talked about
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earlier. But here's the reality. Understanding
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that is super helpful. It can help you understand
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that context, that moment. It goes along with
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that principle that you never know what somebody's
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going through. And when you realize most of us
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are so fixated on ourselves, we don't always
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become aware of what other people are dealing
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with. And when they're dealing with something
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really hard, they may lash out. They may be,
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again, not the best versions of themselves. And
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that can be hurtful, even as an adult, let alone
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a child. So the first idea is understanding isn't
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the same thing as healing i think it's an essential
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step But I think it's an early step in understanding
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what transpired and then potentially some of
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the whys behind it. Sometimes you can have a
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good conversation with those people from the
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past and you can gain some understanding from
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them. A lot of times it's more of an exercise
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with yourself and maybe in a group therapy session
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or potentially with your therapist one -on -one.
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And you can work with them to understand potentially
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why someone did the things that they did based
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on context clues and things like that. And you
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can kind of... this when you look back and you
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realize that even though you can explain, say,
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your dad's actions and maybe even motives completely
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accurately, you're going to be pretty aware that
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you're not fully healed from it if it still makes
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you respond a certain way to others or maybe
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even to him or in circumstances similarly. And
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that just shows that there's still some work
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to be done. And a funny analogy I like to use
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to illustrate this point is that when you have
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a significant relationship, usually it's with
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your significant other. And let's say they're
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upset about something. A lot of times this dynamic
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is described when the wife is upset about something
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and discussing it with her husband. And what
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is the joke that the husbands do more often than
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not? They try to fix it, right? And you get this
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whole question of like, well, do you want me
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to fix it? Or do you want me to just listen?
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And comedians make jokes about this all the time
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because it is just a funny part of relationships
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that when anyone is faced with a frustration,
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a problem, an issue, they're not always interested
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in a solution at that particular moment. In fact,
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like we've talked about in previous episodes,
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how those kinds of things to be solution focused
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in the midst of a problem is a learned skill.
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And so when you're talking to someone else, let's
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recognize it for what it is, complaining about
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that, since that other person isn't in the scenario.
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scenario that doesn't mean they're all sheldon
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coopers i feel like more often than not people
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who aren't in it with you can sometimes feel
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like maybe it's not as big of a deal as you think
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it is and if they have the emotional intelligence
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not to try to fix it then they're just waiting
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for you to be ready to fix it But let's take
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that funny thread and let's pull it a little
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deeper. Have you ever been with someone who's
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upset and you go straight to the logic and you
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explain to them all the reasons why they shouldn't
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be upset, whether it's with you or with somebody
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else? Tell me how often that's worked. More often
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than not, I would bet it has not. Trust me, I've
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tried it and it is no bueno. It does not work.
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And it's because in those moments, logic and
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analytics aren't enough, especially when someone
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is hurt. They could be totally wrong in their
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perception, maybe they misunderstood a scenario,
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or they perceived the situation incorrectly,
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and that's what led to them being upset. But
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even then, explaining to them all the reasons
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why their emotions should be invalid does not
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make them vanish. And in the same way, going
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back to your past and explaining all the different
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whys and reasons why you shouldn't have been
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hurt back then, especially as a child. And this
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is where I think it gets really powerful in the
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realization that you were just a kid in those
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moments. And so it may be difficult for people
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to have grace for themselves instead of what
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I call throwing the contempt backwards. Let me
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explain that real quick. So, so often people
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look at the scenarios of when they were hurt
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when they were a child, and they get rather aggressive
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with themselves. Now, there's usually other things
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involved, like there's usually shame involved,
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and a very high measure of self -loathing in
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that equation, and that doesn't help anything.
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So, them looking back at their past and seeing
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all the things that hurt them, going through
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that short first step of understanding, can actually
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make the contempt and the frustration with their
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younger self even worse and have them view things
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like, I think we all know, we say the worst things
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to ourselves that we would never repeat to another
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human being, right? So let's operate on that
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premise. And so people will look back and see
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the ways that they got their feelings hurt and
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they'll be like, man, you pansy. Like your dad
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was just trying to make you better. Like why
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did that hurt your feelings? Why did you make
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such a big deal about it? Just grow up. Things
00:11:58.429 --> 00:12:00.210
like that. Have you ever said something like
00:12:00.210 --> 00:12:02.509
that to yourself? I know I have. And so people
00:12:02.509 --> 00:12:06.370
tend to take that contempt and really scold themselves
00:12:06.370 --> 00:12:09.340
like a stupid child. Like, man, you're such an
00:12:09.340 --> 00:12:11.620
idiot for being that way, for looking at it that
00:12:11.620 --> 00:12:14.240
way. And then they use logic to try to explain
00:12:14.240 --> 00:12:17.120
away in the same way they would do that to, like
00:12:17.120 --> 00:12:18.940
we just talked about with a spouse that like,
00:12:18.960 --> 00:12:20.179
well, you shouldn't have been upset because that
00:12:20.179 --> 00:12:22.139
doesn't even make sense. And you're ridiculous.
00:12:22.379 --> 00:12:23.720
Now, I get it. For some people, they're like,
00:12:23.820 --> 00:12:25.580
man, I don't I don't know why I have to get so
00:12:25.580 --> 00:12:27.700
touchy feely about all this. But a therapist
00:12:27.700 --> 00:12:30.720
will. try to help you view this and have some
00:12:30.720 --> 00:12:32.840
compassion with your younger self. Because it's
00:12:32.840 --> 00:12:35.120
just a kid. So if you run across a kid who got
00:12:35.120 --> 00:12:37.759
his feelings hurt, I would venture to say you
00:12:37.759 --> 00:12:39.580
would probably talk to that kid, if it was a
00:12:39.580 --> 00:12:42.019
real kid, in a more compassionate, understanding
00:12:42.019 --> 00:12:44.649
way. that you would have a conversation with
00:12:44.649 --> 00:12:46.269
an adult. So that's an interesting question.
00:12:46.490 --> 00:12:48.929
Psychology shares that when people encounter
00:12:48.929 --> 00:12:52.370
moments of trauma in their youth, that a lot
00:12:52.370 --> 00:12:55.669
of times that particular moment in time is frozen
00:12:55.669 --> 00:12:59.509
at that age. So that explains why a 35 -year
00:12:59.509 --> 00:13:01.309
-old could fly off the handle and act really
00:13:01.309 --> 00:13:04.350
childish in certain categories of scenarios and
00:13:04.350 --> 00:13:07.429
situations because those moments can bump up
00:13:07.429 --> 00:13:09.830
against those wounds that have been unresolved
00:13:09.830 --> 00:13:14.029
and remain festering in a psych. And when people
00:13:14.029 --> 00:13:16.889
bump up against those wounds in those scenarios,
00:13:17.090 --> 00:13:20.860
that causes them to have reactions. not responses,
00:13:20.879 --> 00:13:24.700
but reactions that are stemming from those wounds.
00:13:24.960 --> 00:13:28.639
And unfortunately, this just makes the self -loathing
00:13:28.639 --> 00:13:31.320
shame spiral even worse because people start
00:13:31.320 --> 00:13:33.240
to get kind of embarrassed, especially if they're
00:13:33.240 --> 00:13:35.919
self -aware that they're behaving childish. They
00:13:35.919 --> 00:13:38.000
start asking themselves questions like, gosh,
00:13:38.000 --> 00:13:40.279
man, why is this affecting me this way? Why am
00:13:40.279 --> 00:13:42.679
I so sensitive? Why can't I just shake this off?
00:13:43.070 --> 00:13:45.990
And it is because of unresolved trauma. Now in
00:13:45.990 --> 00:13:48.669
my episode with Kevin Wissman, who's an amazing
00:13:48.669 --> 00:13:51.850
therapist in this area, he mentioned and reframed
00:13:51.850 --> 00:13:54.549
trauma that in a way I had never heard. And it
00:13:54.549 --> 00:13:57.690
was that trauma isn't always something bad that
00:13:57.690 --> 00:14:00.750
happens, although obviously it can be. But he
00:14:00.750 --> 00:14:03.570
also mentioned that trauma can also be something
00:14:03.570 --> 00:14:06.990
really good that could have happened, but didn't.
00:14:07.240 --> 00:14:09.559
And this kind of goes into the broken expectations
00:14:09.559 --> 00:14:12.799
standpoint. Sometimes kids are excited that something's
00:14:12.799 --> 00:14:14.860
going to happen and then it doesn't. And then
00:14:14.860 --> 00:14:17.580
that becomes an unmet need that maybe nobody
00:14:17.580 --> 00:14:19.750
knew about. But that doesn't mean, like we said
00:14:19.750 --> 00:14:22.029
earlier, that it's any less real. And I remember
00:14:22.029 --> 00:14:24.289
one thing that was powerful for me when I was
00:14:24.289 --> 00:14:25.830
going through this journey of digging through
00:14:25.830 --> 00:14:28.090
the past and trying to figure out what was left
00:14:28.090 --> 00:14:30.830
unresolved, what wounds are still there that
00:14:30.830 --> 00:14:33.049
need attention, that need dressed. One common
00:14:33.049 --> 00:14:35.409
thing that you hear is time heals all wounds.
00:14:35.590 --> 00:14:38.070
And it's like, no, actually, medically, that's
00:14:38.070 --> 00:14:41.500
a terrible piece of advice, right? a well -dressed
00:14:41.500 --> 00:14:44.919
clean wound, sure, but not one that's like you
00:14:44.919 --> 00:14:47.679
slice yourself on a metal barbed wire and you're
00:14:47.679 --> 00:14:50.080
like, well, time heals all wounds. Yeah, no,
00:14:50.179 --> 00:14:52.200
you might need an amputation after a little bit,
00:14:52.200 --> 00:14:54.379
some lockjaw, some good stuff. So the argument
00:14:54.379 --> 00:14:57.159
is emotional wounds are similar. And so if you
00:14:57.159 --> 00:14:59.600
don't deal with these, they will fester underneath
00:14:59.600 --> 00:15:02.480
the surface for many, many years, decades even,
00:15:02.620 --> 00:15:05.320
and will affect how you view yourself, shame,
00:15:05.519 --> 00:15:08.399
self -loathing, insecurity, anxiety, depression,
00:15:08.620 --> 00:15:11.539
and also affect how you view others, codependency,
00:15:11.620 --> 00:15:14.460
fear of abandonment, those kinds of things. Sound
00:15:14.460 --> 00:15:16.639
familiar? Ever have anything like that? Maybe
00:15:16.639 --> 00:15:18.960
it's just me. I don't know. So my therapist had
00:15:18.960 --> 00:15:21.980
me watch the movie Disney's The Kid with Bruce
00:15:21.980 --> 00:15:24.409
Willis. It's a great movie. And the illustration
00:15:24.409 --> 00:15:26.929
in that movie, if you haven't seen it, I won't
00:15:26.929 --> 00:15:29.669
spoil it for you. But the main idea that you
00:15:29.669 --> 00:15:31.909
would see in the trailer is Bruce Willis encounters
00:15:31.909 --> 00:15:35.049
a younger version of himself as a child. And
00:15:35.049 --> 00:15:37.870
he is pretty irritated with this interruption
00:15:37.870 --> 00:15:40.950
in his life. And he's kind of a huge jerk. But
00:15:40.950 --> 00:15:43.759
there's a moment in the film where he... encounters
00:15:43.759 --> 00:15:46.980
tough moments that his younger self experiences.
00:15:47.080 --> 00:15:51.200
And he is challenged with reacting versus responding
00:15:51.200 --> 00:15:54.240
in how he treats the young man in the story.
00:15:54.399 --> 00:15:57.639
It's pretty powerful and definitely worth a watch.
00:15:57.779 --> 00:15:59.879
If you want to watch a more modern version of
00:15:59.879 --> 00:16:01.159
this movie, you're like, man, this sounds really
00:16:01.159 --> 00:16:03.519
familiar. I think I've seen this in another context.
00:16:03.659 --> 00:16:06.720
You probably have because Ryan Reynolds' Atom
00:16:06.720 --> 00:16:10.000
Project was a very similar idea, just in a more
00:16:10.000 --> 00:16:13.399
modern kind of a sci -fi situation. where Ryan
00:16:13.399 --> 00:16:16.559
was in the presence of his younger self and experienced
00:16:16.559 --> 00:16:20.419
all the similar feelings of frustration, annoyance,
00:16:20.519 --> 00:16:23.100
dismissiveness, and so on. And the lesson that
00:16:23.100 --> 00:16:26.159
was packed in this was, can you look at your
00:16:26.159 --> 00:16:28.519
younger self when you were wounded, when you
00:16:28.519 --> 00:16:31.580
were hurt, and have a conversation and approach
00:16:31.580 --> 00:16:34.720
that younger self in the same way you would if
00:16:34.720 --> 00:16:37.379
you had an actual literal hurting child in front
00:16:37.379 --> 00:16:40.389
of you? Would you be capable of being empathetic
00:16:40.389 --> 00:16:43.529
and understanding in that moment and walk yourself
00:16:43.529 --> 00:16:46.730
through validating those feelings? I can understand
00:16:46.730 --> 00:16:49.629
how you feel that way and really recognize those
00:16:49.629 --> 00:16:52.250
things for what they really were at the time
00:16:52.250 --> 00:16:54.750
and how you perceive them in your seven -year
00:16:54.750 --> 00:16:57.309
-old universe. And that's why I think those steps
00:16:57.309 --> 00:17:00.789
are further along in the healing process for
00:17:00.789 --> 00:17:02.899
a lot of people. And I think this is where two
00:17:02.899 --> 00:17:05.539
things can be true at the same time. We talked
00:17:05.539 --> 00:17:07.720
about those college students who have amazing
00:17:07.720 --> 00:17:09.779
relationships with their parents and start to
00:17:09.779 --> 00:17:12.000
recognize ways that their parents failed them
00:17:12.000 --> 00:17:14.720
in their youth. And they feel conflicted and
00:17:14.720 --> 00:17:16.960
almost feel guilty that they're blaming their
00:17:16.960 --> 00:17:19.079
parents or somehow putting something on them
00:17:19.079 --> 00:17:21.900
that they don't deserve. When in reality, two
00:17:21.900 --> 00:17:24.180
things can totally be true. People that love
00:17:24.180 --> 00:17:27.140
you can absolutely hurt you. And I think that's
00:17:27.140 --> 00:17:29.599
a reality most of us know. But sometimes when
00:17:29.599 --> 00:17:31.920
you're looking at it in that way, it can cause
00:17:31.920 --> 00:17:34.240
a significant amount of guilt in trying to feel
00:17:34.240 --> 00:17:36.559
like you're somehow putting it all on them or
00:17:36.559 --> 00:17:39.059
blaming them for whatever. But we just finished
00:17:39.059 --> 00:17:41.960
talking about how logic is incomplete and contempt
00:17:41.960 --> 00:17:44.819
is completely useless in looking at the past,
00:17:44.880 --> 00:17:47.500
especially towards yourself. And so it's certainly
00:17:47.500 --> 00:17:50.720
a rather aggressive scene in Ted Lasso. I believe
00:17:50.720 --> 00:17:53.799
it is season three, episode 11, and it's where
00:17:53.799 --> 00:17:56.059
Ted's mom comes to visit. And again, there's
00:17:56.059 --> 00:17:57.859
definitely a language warning when it comes to
00:17:57.859 --> 00:17:59.980
that. That scene, you know by season three that
00:17:59.980 --> 00:18:02.579
Ted is pretty avoidant in talking about his issues.
00:18:02.759 --> 00:18:05.759
He has come a long way in discussing and sharing
00:18:05.759 --> 00:18:08.539
that with Sharon, the therapist character. They've
00:18:08.539 --> 00:18:11.200
gone through their journey of healing when Ted
00:18:11.200 --> 00:18:13.440
was able to speak about his dad committing suicide
00:18:13.440 --> 00:18:16.859
and him finding him and how tough that was. But
00:18:16.859 --> 00:18:19.980
when he engages his mom unexpectedly at the beginning
00:18:19.980 --> 00:18:22.400
of that episode, you know that they definitely
00:18:22.400 --> 00:18:26.019
have a tense relationship that is mainly based
00:18:26.019 --> 00:18:29.880
on not talking about anything real. Both of them
00:18:29.880 --> 00:18:33.440
have this extreme positivity exterior. And so
00:18:33.440 --> 00:18:35.819
you get the sense that to each other, it was
00:18:35.819 --> 00:18:38.680
very superficial in that. guard in talking about
00:18:38.680 --> 00:18:41.500
real hard things. And at the end of the episode,
00:18:41.700 --> 00:18:45.119
Ted challenges his mom and asks her why she's
00:18:45.119 --> 00:18:47.819
really there. And he tries to get her to be open
00:18:47.819 --> 00:18:50.500
and honest. And he goes to this refrain where
00:18:50.500 --> 00:18:53.099
he says, thank you for being a mother that does
00:18:53.099 --> 00:18:56.980
certain things. And then he says, F you for other
00:18:56.980 --> 00:18:59.099
things, the things that she didn't share. And
00:18:59.099 --> 00:19:02.000
so the main idea is that he thanks her for all
00:19:02.000 --> 00:19:04.289
the things that she did do for him. But he was
00:19:04.289 --> 00:19:07.769
willing to also be honest with her of the reasons
00:19:07.769 --> 00:19:10.910
why he was furious with her for not sharing or
00:19:10.910 --> 00:19:13.250
even acknowledging the suicide of her husband
00:19:13.250 --> 00:19:15.809
and how it was potentially affecting her son
00:19:15.809 --> 00:19:18.849
or her. And so I'm sure in most of those circumstances,
00:19:19.029 --> 00:19:21.630
when a tragedy of that magnitude happens, you
00:19:21.630 --> 00:19:23.910
hear a lot of parents use language like, well,
00:19:23.930 --> 00:19:26.650
I have to be strong. I can't show my kids that
00:19:26.650 --> 00:19:29.990
I'm having a hard time. And I think when I talk
00:19:29.990 --> 00:19:32.950
to people that have scenarios like this, or even
00:19:32.950 --> 00:19:35.279
just... just hard times, financial difficulty,
00:19:35.559 --> 00:19:38.380
things like that. The parents have the goal of
00:19:38.380 --> 00:19:40.980
trying to make things as normal as possible for
00:19:40.980 --> 00:19:44.720
the kids. And so to somehow not hurt them any
00:19:44.720 --> 00:19:47.079
more than they already are. This is a protective
00:19:47.079 --> 00:19:49.680
mechanism and it has good motivations behind
00:19:49.680 --> 00:19:52.559
it. But unfortunately, I think we all know that
00:19:52.559 --> 00:19:56.059
sometimes this can be avoided and not acknowledging
00:19:56.059 --> 00:19:59.200
what reality really is. I remember there was
00:19:59.200 --> 00:20:01.720
a season that when I was a kid, we were homeless.
00:20:01.900 --> 00:20:04.519
It was across Christmas. And something I remember
00:20:04.519 --> 00:20:07.079
when we were living in the Salvation Army for
00:20:07.079 --> 00:20:10.099
a brief period of time. that the staff did everything
00:20:10.099 --> 00:20:13.740
they could to make things be as normal as possible.
00:20:13.900 --> 00:20:16.599
And so Ted's describing to his mom that something
00:20:16.599 --> 00:20:18.880
that would have been beneficial for him, in his
00:20:18.880 --> 00:20:21.460
opinion, is if she would have been willing to
00:20:21.460 --> 00:20:24.019
share, or again, even acknowledge the tragedy
00:20:24.019 --> 00:20:26.579
that happened and how it affected the family.
00:20:26.799 --> 00:20:29.039
It's a really, again, it's a very raw scene.
00:20:29.200 --> 00:20:32.519
If you are averse to language, I don't know if
00:20:32.519 --> 00:20:34.559
you would enjoy that scene, but it is an extremely
00:20:34.559 --> 00:20:37.500
powerful moment in showing that two things can
00:20:37.740 --> 00:20:40.519
be true. You can both appreciate the wonderful
00:20:40.519 --> 00:20:42.859
things your parents did and also acknowledge
00:20:42.859 --> 00:20:46.319
the frustrations of their failures and the responsibility
00:20:46.319 --> 00:20:49.099
that they have in those moments. I think another
00:20:49.099 --> 00:20:51.039
thing that I've realized that is kind of along
00:20:51.039 --> 00:20:53.180
these lines, and when I talk to parents that
00:20:53.180 --> 00:20:56.779
are in their late 20s, sometimes early 30s, they
00:20:56.779 --> 00:20:59.539
start to recognize when their kids are getting
00:20:59.539 --> 00:21:02.440
past like five -ish years old and they're starting
00:21:02.440 --> 00:21:05.880
to be fully interactive humans that they get
00:21:05.880 --> 00:21:09.059
to interact with. They start to realize the parallel
00:21:09.059 --> 00:21:12.339
in certain moments of their childhood with their
00:21:12.339 --> 00:21:15.500
parents. They start to realize, oh, wow, my parents
00:21:15.500 --> 00:21:18.519
were this age when I went through this. And sometimes
00:21:18.519 --> 00:21:21.299
it can be a kind of a cathartic experience if
00:21:21.299 --> 00:21:23.920
you're able to let it when you realize, man,
00:21:24.099 --> 00:21:26.599
I certainly don't have everything figured out
00:21:26.599 --> 00:21:29.200
at, you know, 30, whatever. And then recognizing,
00:21:29.500 --> 00:21:32.579
oh, gosh. When I went through this moment, my
00:21:32.579 --> 00:21:35.140
parents were 30 -something. And if I don't have
00:21:35.140 --> 00:21:36.559
anything, of course they don't have everything
00:21:36.559 --> 00:21:40.059
figured out. And that goes alongside with the
00:21:40.059 --> 00:21:42.579
compassion piece of not only just looking back
00:21:42.579 --> 00:21:44.579
and not having that contempt with your younger
00:21:44.579 --> 00:21:46.859
self and calling yourself weak, pathetic, and
00:21:46.859 --> 00:21:49.180
useless. And I think it also helps to have the
00:21:49.180 --> 00:21:51.920
compassion with your parents as well in recognizing
00:21:51.920 --> 00:21:54.599
that, yes, of course, they were hopefully doing
00:21:54.599 --> 00:21:56.259
the best that they could with what they had.
00:21:56.440 --> 00:21:58.859
And when you're a child, you view your parents
00:21:58.859 --> 00:22:01.190
as the most incredible people that you know.
00:22:01.329 --> 00:22:03.970
They obviously have everything figured out. They're
00:22:03.970 --> 00:22:06.549
the best, most, the best, awesomest people that
00:22:06.549 --> 00:22:08.490
you know. And so it's kind of funny talking to
00:22:08.490 --> 00:22:10.690
parents as they realize those moments are like,
00:22:10.730 --> 00:22:13.470
gosh, man, like it makes so much more sense in
00:22:13.470 --> 00:22:17.910
viewing things in that way. And having that curious,
00:22:18.009 --> 00:22:21.619
compassionate outlook. of your own experience
00:22:21.619 --> 00:22:24.400
and your own perceptions and how they were valid
00:22:24.400 --> 00:22:27.319
to you. And then also looking back in compassion
00:22:27.319 --> 00:22:29.940
to your parents and in their moments where they
00:22:29.940 --> 00:22:32.299
were trying to do their best and maybe they aced
00:22:32.299 --> 00:22:34.119
it and maybe they didn't. And these relationships
00:22:34.119 --> 00:22:36.910
are just like every relationship. There is the
00:22:36.910 --> 00:22:40.150
actual action and then the intent behind it.
00:22:40.230 --> 00:22:43.269
And unfortunately, we can never know fully someone
00:22:43.269 --> 00:22:45.829
else's intent unless they tell us. And when you're
00:22:45.829 --> 00:22:48.089
a kid, you don't get a lot of that commentary
00:22:48.089 --> 00:22:50.369
from people letting you know their intent and
00:22:50.369 --> 00:22:52.470
why they did things. A lot of times your parents
00:22:52.470 --> 00:22:54.190
just tell you this is how it is, this is how
00:22:54.190 --> 00:22:56.309
it needs to be, and they don't always have time
00:22:56.309 --> 00:22:58.470
for an intellectual conversation with you to
00:22:58.470 --> 00:23:01.160
explain the reasons behind it. And I would have
00:23:01.160 --> 00:23:03.220
probably not been something you were receptive
00:23:03.220 --> 00:23:05.880
to at that age anyway. So in the college setting,
00:23:05.980 --> 00:23:08.640
I'm talking to young college age men who are
00:23:08.640 --> 00:23:11.430
looking at their past. And we're trying to look
00:23:11.430 --> 00:23:14.150
at that in what I call a very unique time in
00:23:14.150 --> 00:23:16.369
history for them. So they can go back and dig
00:23:16.369 --> 00:23:19.769
about a decade behind and see what they can find
00:23:19.769 --> 00:23:22.430
and what they can potentially heal from before
00:23:22.430 --> 00:23:24.910
they have the consequences of having a family,
00:23:24.990 --> 00:23:27.650
kids, and those kinds of festering wounds can
00:23:27.650 --> 00:23:29.930
cause consequences where they could potentially
00:23:29.930 --> 00:23:34.009
lose their family, get a divorce, or even lose
00:23:34.009 --> 00:23:37.089
their career. So generally, I talk to young people
00:23:37.089 --> 00:23:40.579
looking at their childhood. But also, if you're
00:23:40.579 --> 00:23:42.880
a parent and you're working through those things
00:23:42.880 --> 00:23:45.339
and you're trying to be aware of your parenting
00:23:45.339 --> 00:23:47.240
and what you're doing, you're going to be hearing
00:23:47.240 --> 00:23:49.819
this from a slightly different lens and trying
00:23:49.819 --> 00:23:52.279
to realize, man, how am I coming across? What
00:23:52.279 --> 00:23:54.559
am I doing? And I would want to encourage you
00:23:54.559 --> 00:23:56.819
that if you are well -intentioned and you're
00:23:56.819 --> 00:23:59.140
trying to do the best, you're not the villain
00:23:59.140 --> 00:24:01.980
of your child's story, but you will not be exempt
00:24:01.980 --> 00:24:05.579
from the responsibility and the impact that you
00:24:05.579 --> 00:24:08.460
have that is not always a positive one. And that's
00:24:08.460 --> 00:24:10.559
okay. Some of the best parents that I know and
00:24:10.559 --> 00:24:12.920
I love to watch are the ones that are humble
00:24:12.920 --> 00:24:16.160
and do know their shortcomings and aren't afraid
00:24:16.160 --> 00:24:18.539
to apologize to their kids for the things that
00:24:18.539 --> 00:24:21.359
they do or say and recognizing those moments
00:24:21.359 --> 00:24:23.759
where they do fall short and they can come to
00:24:23.759 --> 00:24:25.579
their kids and have a conversation. And those
00:24:25.579 --> 00:24:28.160
moments are really cool to witness because you
00:24:28.160 --> 00:24:31.299
can really see it on the face of those children
00:24:31.299 --> 00:24:34.200
in those moments how special that that is for
00:24:34.200 --> 00:24:36.140
them. So man, what can you do with all this?
00:24:38.000 --> 00:24:40.460
you're not really sure of what moments to look
00:24:40.460 --> 00:24:43.700
back to, then you're still at step zero. One
00:24:43.700 --> 00:24:46.279
helpful exercise that you can do is look back
00:24:46.279 --> 00:24:49.680
at your past and write down your 10 earliest
00:24:49.680 --> 00:24:52.500
memories, good or bad. Most of the time, and
00:24:52.500 --> 00:24:54.940
most people I talk to, they tend to lean more
00:24:54.940 --> 00:24:57.900
bad as far as the total count of 10. And the
00:24:57.900 --> 00:25:00.380
basic premise behind this is if you remember
00:25:00.380 --> 00:25:03.500
it, there's likely a reason. And so I remember
00:25:03.500 --> 00:25:05.700
writing these down. They don't have to be chronological.
00:25:05.779 --> 00:25:08.289
Just write down all the earliest memories that
00:25:08.289 --> 00:25:11.250
you have. And then once you have them all written
00:25:11.250 --> 00:25:13.569
down, then you can kind of unpack and look at
00:25:13.569 --> 00:25:16.950
what happened, just write down what transpired,
00:25:16.970 --> 00:25:19.250
the facts. And then the challenge is find that
00:25:19.250 --> 00:25:22.309
first one in seeing like, what can you understand
00:25:22.309 --> 00:25:25.289
from this? And here's the intense part. Sometimes
00:25:25.289 --> 00:25:27.869
the things that you write down are rather silly.
00:25:28.029 --> 00:25:31.470
I have one that is hilariously silly, but in
00:25:31.470 --> 00:25:34.630
the moment, it was something that shaped, I want
00:25:34.630 --> 00:25:36.369
to say it was probably the first time that I
00:25:36.430 --> 00:25:38.710
felt shame. And it was just an embarrassing moment
00:25:38.710 --> 00:25:41.390
at a restaurant. But what that moment shaped
00:25:41.390 --> 00:25:44.609
in me was it made me more guarded, more cautious,
00:25:44.630 --> 00:25:48.509
and anxiety when I don't know where to go in
00:25:48.509 --> 00:25:50.849
a place for the first time. Now, when you look
00:25:50.849 --> 00:25:53.349
at a moment like that, the temptation at first
00:25:53.349 --> 00:25:56.009
is to look at it, see that it's rather silly,
00:25:56.130 --> 00:25:58.950
and be like, yeah, next one. This is so stupid.
00:25:59.069 --> 00:26:02.009
But the fact that I can't go into a new DMV without
00:26:02.009 --> 00:26:05.109
being stressed out goes back to that moment.
00:26:05.450 --> 00:26:07.390
in walking into that restaurant, not knowing
00:26:07.390 --> 00:26:10.390
where to go and feeling stupid. And so is that
00:26:10.390 --> 00:26:13.990
worth any further work? I think so. And so just
00:26:13.990 --> 00:26:16.190
looking at yourself and saying, that's so dumb,
00:26:16.210 --> 00:26:19.089
you shouldn't be bothered, move on. If that would
00:26:19.089 --> 00:26:21.849
have worked, you'd be fine. But I know I wasn't.
00:26:21.890 --> 00:26:24.430
So putting some additional work in that scenario
00:26:24.430 --> 00:26:27.390
was worthwhile work for me. So one helpful thing
00:26:27.390 --> 00:26:29.349
that you can do as you're digging more into it
00:26:29.349 --> 00:26:31.910
is you can set the explanation aside for just
00:26:31.910 --> 00:26:34.049
five minutes. You're not throwing it out. It's
00:26:34.049 --> 00:26:36.359
valid. Maybe it shouldn't have been a big deal.
00:26:36.460 --> 00:26:37.839
Maybe you shouldn't have viewed it that way.
00:26:37.940 --> 00:26:40.319
Maybe it was a misunderstanding or just the way
00:26:40.319 --> 00:26:42.900
you perceived it. But remember, you were a child.
00:26:43.019 --> 00:26:45.079
You didn't know any better. And that was your
00:26:45.079 --> 00:26:47.880
reality. And that reality can still be your current
00:26:47.880 --> 00:26:50.900
reality and affect you in similar ways today.
00:26:51.180 --> 00:26:53.380
So one helpful question you can ask yourself
00:26:53.380 --> 00:26:55.880
when you're setting that rationale, that logic
00:26:55.880 --> 00:26:58.039
aside for a second, we're going to ask ourself
00:26:58.039 --> 00:27:01.259
a feeling question. So Sheldon Cooper, stretch
00:27:01.259 --> 00:27:03.490
that brain a little bit. And that question is,
00:27:03.529 --> 00:27:07.650
how did that feel when I was at that age? And
00:27:07.650 --> 00:27:09.549
just think about it. Sometimes it's like the
00:27:09.549 --> 00:27:12.349
fog of war where it was so long ago and it was
00:27:12.349 --> 00:27:15.490
shrouded in such frustration and shame that you've
00:27:15.490 --> 00:27:17.470
been ignoring it for this long. It sometimes
00:27:17.470 --> 00:27:19.829
can take a little bit to peeling it back like
00:27:19.829 --> 00:27:22.609
an onion to understand, okay, why was that so
00:27:22.609 --> 00:27:26.500
embarrassing? Why? Why did I feel shame in that
00:27:26.500 --> 00:27:28.700
moment? I didn't do anything wrong, but why?
00:27:28.799 --> 00:27:31.180
Why did it make me feel this way? And then you
00:27:31.180 --> 00:27:35.279
can start to see how that anxiety and that embarrassment
00:27:35.279 --> 00:27:38.319
has affected you in your adult life. One super
00:27:38.319 --> 00:27:41.059
helpful pro tip in this kind of exercise, which
00:27:41.059 --> 00:27:43.339
also applies to writing the 10 things of your
00:27:43.339 --> 00:27:46.940
earliest memories. is handwriting has a lot of
00:27:46.940 --> 00:27:50.099
power. It has something to do with the way the
00:27:50.099 --> 00:27:52.000
brain works and when you handwrite something
00:27:52.000 --> 00:27:54.660
it makes you think of things in a different way
00:27:54.660 --> 00:27:57.940
and sometimes I've heard people report that when
00:27:57.940 --> 00:28:00.779
they write things out like this that they unlock
00:28:00.779 --> 00:28:03.519
different memories, different facets of a memory
00:28:03.519 --> 00:28:06.440
than if they just maybe typed it or they just
00:28:06.440 --> 00:28:08.829
thought about it. So I highly encourage you to
00:28:08.829 --> 00:28:10.950
write these things. And then when you ask that
00:28:10.950 --> 00:28:13.150
question, how did it feel when I was at that
00:28:13.150 --> 00:28:16.269
age? Just write without correcting, without adding,
00:28:16.430 --> 00:28:18.829
without editing, nothing. Don't add excuses.
00:28:19.210 --> 00:28:22.609
Don't add explanations. Stay curious, not judgmental.
00:28:22.630 --> 00:28:24.750
Another Ted Lasso quote. It's not on accident.
00:28:24.930 --> 00:28:27.069
It's good stuff. And as always, when we talk
00:28:27.069 --> 00:28:29.849
about a lot of these kinds of things in episodes,
00:28:29.970 --> 00:28:32.369
I do believe it's important to recognize that
00:28:32.369 --> 00:28:35.680
sometimes professional help has a tremendous
00:28:35.680 --> 00:28:39.200
amount of value. This is also dependent on your
00:28:39.200 --> 00:28:42.460
degree of trauma and tragedy that you experienced.
00:28:42.660 --> 00:28:46.220
Sometimes exercises like this, like in my experience
00:28:46.220 --> 00:28:48.680
with the embarrassing moment at the restaurant,
00:28:48.839 --> 00:28:51.299
I didn't have to walk through that scenario with
00:28:51.299 --> 00:28:54.000
a therapist. However, there are other situations
00:28:54.000 --> 00:28:57.299
where I did. And so take it from me as someone
00:28:57.299 --> 00:28:59.799
who has done that, I would highly encourage you
00:28:59.799 --> 00:29:02.740
if you have some things that are deep, heavy,
00:29:03.200 --> 00:29:06.160
dark, painful, that there could be some extreme
00:29:06.160 --> 00:29:09.039
value in talking to someone who's a professional
00:29:09.039 --> 00:29:12.119
about that. Now, as always, thanks for listening
00:29:12.119 --> 00:29:14.640
to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. Remember, growth
00:29:14.640 --> 00:29:17.900
happens when you take action. So subscribe, share
00:29:17.900 --> 00:29:20.220
this with a friend, and most importantly, put
00:29:20.220 --> 00:29:22.319
what you learned into practice. Because as we
00:29:22.319 --> 00:29:25.480
know, daily anything changes everything.