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Hey guys, welcome back to Open Book with Ash.
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I'm your host, Ashley Molleter.
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And today I actually had a completely different episode planned, but um I really wanted to first touch on this topic because it is going to be the backbone of quite a bit of what we talk about around here.
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But have no fear, coming up, I do have podcast episodes about adult friendships, um, sending off your first kid to college, AI, and losing self-trust.
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But for today, the topic is related to the stories we tell ourselves, which is one of the three reasons I picked the podcast name.
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And this is part one in a two-part series.
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Um, so if you listen to the very first episode, you might recall I said something along the lines of like the results we have in our life are created from stories, whether it's around relationships, parenting, your body, our jobs, like all of it, right?
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Um, also, just so you know, moving forward, sometimes I say the word stories as like an overarching way to describe both the thoughts and the beliefs that we have practiced for so long that we don't even question them.
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So if you hear me use that term, it applies to both of the things we're gonna talk about today.
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So I actually taught this topic at an event I used to host locally called Coaching and Cocktails.
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When I say an event I used to host you guys, I literally hosted it twice.
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Okay.
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So the event I hosted two times.
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But anyways, the topic, I digress.
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The topic was called turning the volume down on your shitty self-talk, which is one of the ways that I so eloquently love to describe our inner mean girl, our inner critic, um, your negative self-talk.
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I use all of these words interchangeably.
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So just like the word stories, right?
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It's just all lumped into one for me.
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And at that event, this was the first one I ever hosted, we talked about negative self-talk plus self-limiting beliefs, aka stories, right?
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I haven't hosted one in a minute.
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And to be honest with you, like maybe this is a story, you guys.
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Maybe I'm uncovering a story today as I start to share this with you.
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Uh, a lot of the work mentally to sell the event and prepare for it, like it felt heavy for me.
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And I didn't get into coaching to like sell myself.
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I don't love selling myself.
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I got into coaching because I love to coach.
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It's like, how can I just get a room full of people without the marketing part?
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Like, can we just skip over that?
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Because if so, I'd be hosting a fucking like coaching and cocktails every other week, hands down.
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Okay.
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But, anyways, I figured this was the perfect um all-encompassing chat to have with you guys after the last episode.
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And it's gonna help tie it all together for you.
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All right.
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So women often come to me with some sort of goal that they can't quite reach, okay?
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And this is likely due to a story holding them back, or they have a result in their life they don't like and they want to change it.
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But each time they try, they just revert back to old habits and patterns.
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Uh, a couple of examples would be maybe overeating, picking fights with their spouse, body image dissatisfaction.
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And that's just to name a few.
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And some, not all, of the work we do together is uncovering the self-limiting beliefs, the shitty self-talk to create awareness around what is going on.
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And then we work on changing those stories, which sometimes means creating a new thought and a new story, but it also means that knowing your inner critic will likely have a say often.
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So you have to learn to kind of see it for what it is in certain instances and just be able to turn the volume down when they pop in and move on.
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It's like creating resilience, if you will.
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Like I mentioned, I'm gonna break it up to two quick episodes to give you time to sit with what you hear today.
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And today is about finding the stories, why we have them, creating some space between you and the story.
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And the next episode, we're gonna chat about how to like shift the story.
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All right, so we all have stories.
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Some of them serve us, some don't.
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A lot of it is pre-programmed into us from family, our childhood, society, culture.
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Um, they could even be our own insecurities that we have developed over time or someone else's words.
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And it's just kind of how we've come to see ourselves.
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Like, for example, maybe you constantly trip over your words in a meeting when you're speaking.
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And under that, maybe a deep belief that you're not a good speaker.
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And it could come from an experience in your past.
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So you go into every meeting automatically thinking the belief, I'm not a good speaker.
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And then there's a bunch of side commentary from your inner critic going, you always make a fool of yourself.
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You're gonna trip over your fucking words.
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So what do you do?
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You you speak up and you trip over your words, and you continue to prove that belief and your inner critic true.
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Okay.
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And unfortunately, all the inner critic is trying to do in this instance is keep you safe from speaking up at all.
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So each time it's there to remind you that you always make a fool of yourself and you trip over your words, blah, fucking blah, right?
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It really does that because it thinks it's protecting you from things like failure, embarrassment, being ostracized, right?
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But that's not useful in the year 2026, okay?
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It's not useful in our day and age.
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Our brain hasn't quite caught up yet, right?
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In caveman days, sure.
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You were always anticipating danger, okay?
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You didn't want to be left out of the pack.
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You didn't want to get hurt.
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And like I said, our brain just hasn't caught up that most of what we're experiencing today isn't a real threat.
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So it's like old, outdated news, and it's really not doing you a damn bit of good.
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But the thing is, these stories shape how we see ourselves, what we believe we're capable of, and how we show up in the world.
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They literally become our identity and they almost like run our life on autopilot.
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So a lot of times we don't even know they're there.
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So the first thing I had these ladies do before they came to the event was answer some variation of these questions.
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Okay.
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And between now and the next episode, what I really want you to do is I want you to sit with these.
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It's literally the point of creating awareness.
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You don't have to do shit, okay?
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Just notice when this comes up.
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Also, we listen and we don't judge.
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So, no, you do not get to judge yourself for what comes up.
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Okay, that is not what we're doing here.
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Um, there is a PDF in the show notes, so don't worry about writing all of this down.
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But what comes up if I were to ask you, what do you think about your body or your overall physical health?
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What do you think about money, relationships, your friendships, your partner, your family, et cetera?
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What do you think about your job or the overall life you live?
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Are you particularly hard on yourself in any of these areas that I just mentioned?
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Like, where did your inner mean girl pop in the most?
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Did you find yourself using the word should when you speak about these different topics?
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Like I should be thinner, I should be a better mom.
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Okay.
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What came up for you is one of two things.
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It's a belief, which is a little bit more deeply rooted, right?
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Or it's a thought, kind of a little, a little more fleeting, if you will.
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And again, they may or may not serve you.
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How to know if one is not serving you is it it feels disempowering, if it feels negative, like you're picking on yourself or judging your character, those are the ones that you want to check in on.
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Okay.
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And so before I break each one down, I want to also normalize this for you.
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If you found stories that you had no idea were lurking under the surface, um, and you maybe see more clearly now an area where you've been hard on yourself in your life, there isn't a damn thing wrong with you.
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Okay.
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It doesn't mean you are somehow broken.
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Just welcome to being human, okay?
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This is part of the human experience.
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And we also happen to have a negativity bias where our brains tend to lean towards the negative.
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So it's not just you.
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You're not a unicorn, you're not alone.
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I have lots of stories, and it's one of the reasons I wanted to start this podcast because I want to share them on here to just normalize shit for you.
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Okay.
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So a self-limiting belief, where I'm gonna define these, is a story that you're holding on to about your capabilities.
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You don't often question them, you don't recognize them as optional, you believe them to be true.
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Like this is just how it is, this is just who I am.
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I've always been that way.
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They're deep-rooted.
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Like I always and I never sentences that start with those, that's some good shit to pay attention to.
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Okay.
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Here's the online definition, which isn't really as fun as mine, but I thought I'd give it to you just in case.
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False assumptions or negative thoughts about yourself and the world that hold you back from reaching your full potential.
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Okay.
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Shitty self-talk.
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I don't believe this is in the dictionary.
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It's something I started using when I became a coach, and I've just kind of like used it ever since.
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And a lot of people know me for it.
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But those are thoughts from your brain that don't serve you.
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Okay.
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They leave you feeling like shit about yourself.
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They can be subtle, they can be loud, they run on a loop, they're critical, and they're also more commonly referred to as negative self-talk from your inner mean girl, your inner critic.
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Uh, Brene Brown, I believe, refers to it as your inner gremlin or gremlins.
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Uh, the definition I found online for this one is it is the critical inner voice that points out our limitations, flaws, inefficiencies, and weaknesses at any given moment.
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A little more formal than mine, okay, but whatever.
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Um we listen and we don't judge, right?
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Also, there are some sneaky negative statements that aren't about our character, but are just more general that you should look out for.
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Like, I'm so stressed, busy, tired all of the time.
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This kind of thing feels like we're just sharing the news with a friend, okay?
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But your brain is gonna get to work to prove those comments true in your life if you're constantly repeating them.
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So be onto those if you hear them.
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All right, your inner critic aligns with your self-limiting beliefs.
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They kind of work together.
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And again, it's just your brain's way of keeping you safe from failure, rejection, embarrassment, all of the things.
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Think of limiting beliefs as the foundation of a home.
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And everything you say about yourself is built on top of those beliefs.
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And if your home is built with mostly self-limiting beliefs and more shitty self-talk than anything else, of course, your house would feel unsteady.
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Of course, you would feel a little wobbly because you're confined inside the walls of self-doubt and not enoughness.
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Again, don't beat yourself up for it.
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Totally normal.
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I just always want to like reiterate that you are not alone.
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So if you've ever achieved something that you're proud of, it did not happen by luck or by chance, you guys.
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You had some sort of story made up of self-talk, whether you were aware of it or not, that created actions that got you there.
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Like you might think something along the lines of, I'm capable of this.
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I can do hard things.
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This is for me.
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And you might have this belief under there that came from your parents telling you when you were little, like, oh, you really can do anything you put your mind to.
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So you just grew up like, no doubts, right?
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You're like, I fucking got this easy.
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Or maybe you're the opposite.
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You keep missing the mark on something that you have really been trying hard to achieve because you have a belief from past failures that achieving goals is hard for you.
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And under that is constant chatter from your inner critic.
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You've never been able to do it before.
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Why do you think this would be different?
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Setting goals and achieving them is not your thing.
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Remember that one time.
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I feel like these two examples just really see how your story can either work for you or against you to create the results that you want in your life.
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Okay, quick reminder as we we start to wrap things up.
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Not all beliefs are limiting and not all negative self-talk is a problem.
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Okay.
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Some of that self-talk comes and goes.
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It's the habitual beliefs and thoughts that you want to check in on.
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Those are the ones that can hold you back from creating the results in your life that you don't want.
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So, my first assignment, if you will, take those questions and start to notice where your inner critic pops in or where you might have an undiscovered limiting belief.
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Okay.
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And the last task for you today is to bring some separation between you and it, it being the story, the self-limiting belief, your shitty self-talk, whatever.
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Okay.
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You know the quote.
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You are not your thoughts.
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That's what we're getting to here.
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So being able to distance yourself from said thoughts is gonna help you turn the volume down so you don't immediately react when they pop in.
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Um, and you can do that by asking yourself, and these will also be on the handout, is my inner critic really my voice?
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Could it be a coach, a teacher, a parent, a grandparent, an ex?
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Is it from society?
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Okay.
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Was this belief handed down to me?
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Like, for example, did your parents always tell you money doesn't grow on trees and now you always feel like money is scarce and you're always broke?
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Okay.
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There is no coincidence here.
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Um, for me, I had a long-held belief that I wasn't athletic.
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And like when I actually started to look at it, I could pinpoint all of the evidence my brain had gathered from that in my lifetime to create that self-limiting belief for me.
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You don't always have to dig deep into your past, okay?
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We'll talk about this more in the next episode, but this is just my example.
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Um, I remember in elementary school, I was playing, I think we were playing softball, and I caught the ball, but like on the tip of my glove, and then it hit me on my head, and I had like a big goose egg for our sock hop dance we had later that night.
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And so I was like, oh my gosh, like I feel like I can hear the chatter right now as I say it in my brain about like how embarrassing I am at sports or whatever.
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I can never climb up the rope in gym, if you remember that.
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Um, I wasn't good at the at the sit and reach test, which let me tell you, going to Pilates, I can do some sitting and reaching now, okay?
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Um, but I think the best story that was just like, you're just not cut out for some of these things that like athletes do was when I went skiing in seventh grade with my friend's youth group and I was on the bunny slope and they were teaching me how to ski.
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And I could not stop myself, you guys.
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I had, I was just like, I can't stop.
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And then I'm like yelling going down the hill.
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I'm like, I can't stop.
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And you know how they set up like the barricad, I don't think they're called barricades, but like the ropes to guide you into the ski lift.
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I came flying down the hill in between the ropes and like landed on my ass on a tiny hill in front of the restaurant in Telluride, Colorado.
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And so that one definitely kept me from ever going skiing again, by the way.
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But it also was just another story.
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It was like, obviously, I'm not very athletic.
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And I could sit here and I could tell you a million more, but you can see how just pulling all these little tiny, like single instances and compiling them together can create a story in our life that doesn't serve us, that holds us back from doing things.
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I never went and skied again because I was afraid to, because of one instance.
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And I told myself, it's just not for me.
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I'm not a skier.
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Um, so it's for me, sometimes it's kind of fun to like discover those things and see it.
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But again, we'll talk about it next episode.
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Coaching is it's very future focused.
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We don't dig into the past.
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So um it's not always necessary, but I always love sharing that story.
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And uh, I figured some of you might get a kick out of hearing that I ate shit in front of the restaurant on a ski slope.
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Anyways, okay, I digress.
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That was a very long tangent.
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You're welcome.
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Um, the other thing you can do is name your inner critic, okay?
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So you can name it like Regina from Mean Girls, or you can give it an accent for fun.
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When you do these things, when you name it, when you give it an accent, it takes the emotional like power out of the thought and it makes it feel less loaded.
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So let's see if I can do an accent for you guys right now.
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It like say you named it and you gave it an accent.
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You're like, oh, Regina just said I embarrassed myself at dinner in front of a new friend or some shit like that.
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Like, see how silly that sounds?
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Like, I can't even take myself seriously when I say that.
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Oh, Regina, that bitch.
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Like, whatever.
00:17:33.200 --> 00:17:36.000
It just makes it so much more fun.
00:17:36.000 --> 00:17:38.480
I'm literally, I'm about to cry laughing at myself.
00:17:38.480 --> 00:17:39.920
Anyways, okay.
00:17:39.920 --> 00:17:42.240
I am back on track.
00:17:42.240 --> 00:17:45.839
Okay, so the third thing you can do is just change the sentence.
00:17:45.839 --> 00:17:48.079
Remember, we're creating separation here.
00:17:48.079 --> 00:17:55.119
So if you're like thinking I'm gross, yeah, that's gonna feel heavy, that's gonna feel loaded.
00:17:55.119 --> 00:17:55.519
Okay.
00:17:55.519 --> 00:17:58.720
You could say, my brain is thinking the thought I'm gross.
00:17:58.720 --> 00:18:01.599
Regina is thinking the thought I'm gross.
00:18:01.599 --> 00:18:05.680
Regina is thinking the thought I'm gross, whatever, right?
00:18:05.680 --> 00:18:14.880
Like, feel the difference between those and play around and just see which one helps you feel lighter.
00:18:14.880 --> 00:18:17.039
I think is the right word I'm going for here.
00:18:17.039 --> 00:18:18.240
I don't know at the moment.
00:18:18.240 --> 00:18:19.920
Now I'm so distracted by accents.
00:18:19.920 --> 00:18:22.880
I'm like, what am I trying to say at the moment?
00:18:22.880 --> 00:18:25.839
Um, yes, which which one makes you feel lighter?
00:18:25.839 --> 00:18:30.000
Okay, then you'll know you're getting some separation from that thought or that story.
00:18:30.000 --> 00:19:10.079
Let's wrap this shit up, shall we?
00:19:10.079 --> 00:19:12.720
You can't rewrite a thought you haven't caught yet.
00:19:12.720 --> 00:19:15.440
So we have to start here with this awareness.
00:19:15.440 --> 00:19:18.160
And that's really all I have for you guys today.
00:19:18.160 --> 00:19:24.079
So I'm gonna see you in two weeks where we're gonna chat about how to shift the beliefs and the self talk holding you back.
00:19:24.079 --> 00:19:31.759
And as always, especially when we get a loaded episode like this where there's lots of information, take what fits and leave the rest.
00:19:31.759 --> 00:19:33.039
I'll talk to you next time.
00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:02.000
Hey guys, welcome back to Open Book with Ash.
00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:03.600
I'm your host, Ashley Molleter.
00:00:03.600 --> 00:00:21.199
And today I actually had a completely different episode planned, but um I really wanted to first touch on this topic because it is going to be the backbone of quite a bit of what we talk about around here.
00:00:21.199 --> 00:00:33.119
But have no fear, coming up, I do have podcast episodes about adult friendships, um, sending off your first kid to college, AI, and losing self-trust.
00:00:33.119 --> 00:00:42.079
But for today, the topic is related to the stories we tell ourselves, which is one of the three reasons I picked the podcast name.
00:00:42.079 --> 00:00:45.359
And this is part one in a two-part series.
00:00:45.359 --> 00:00:59.920
Um, so if you listen to the very first episode, you might recall I said something along the lines of like the results we have in our life are created from stories, whether it's around relationships, parenting, your body, our jobs, like all of it, right?
00:00:59.920 --> 00:01:12.480
Um, also, just so you know, moving forward, sometimes I say the word stories as like an overarching way to describe both the thoughts and the beliefs that we have practiced for so long that we don't even question them.
00:01:12.480 --> 00:01:18.799
So if you hear me use that term, it applies to both of the things we're gonna talk about today.
00:01:18.799 --> 00:01:26.239
So I actually taught this topic at an event I used to host locally called Coaching and Cocktails.
00:01:26.239 --> 00:01:29.680
When I say an event I used to host you guys, I literally hosted it twice.
00:01:29.680 --> 00:01:30.159
Okay.
00:01:30.159 --> 00:01:34.000
So the event I hosted two times.
00:01:34.000 --> 00:01:37.439
But anyways, the topic, I digress.
00:01:37.439 --> 00:01:54.480
The topic was called turning the volume down on your shitty self-talk, which is one of the ways that I so eloquently love to describe our inner mean girl, our inner critic, um, your negative self-talk.
00:01:54.480 --> 00:01:57.439
I use all of these words interchangeably.
00:01:57.439 --> 00:01:59.519
So just like the word stories, right?
00:01:59.519 --> 00:02:01.599
It's just all lumped into one for me.
00:02:01.599 --> 00:02:10.879
And at that event, this was the first one I ever hosted, we talked about negative self-talk plus self-limiting beliefs, aka stories, right?
00:02:10.879 --> 00:02:12.479
I haven't hosted one in a minute.
00:02:12.479 --> 00:02:17.280
And to be honest with you, like maybe this is a story, you guys.
00:02:17.280 --> 00:02:20.719
Maybe I'm uncovering a story today as I start to share this with you.
00:02:20.719 --> 00:02:26.879
Uh, a lot of the work mentally to sell the event and prepare for it, like it felt heavy for me.
00:02:26.879 --> 00:02:30.560
And I didn't get into coaching to like sell myself.
00:02:30.560 --> 00:02:31.840
I don't love selling myself.
00:02:31.840 --> 00:02:33.759
I got into coaching because I love to coach.
00:02:33.759 --> 00:02:38.319
It's like, how can I just get a room full of people without the marketing part?
00:02:38.319 --> 00:02:39.759
Like, can we just skip over that?
00:02:39.759 --> 00:02:44.479
Because if so, I'd be hosting a fucking like coaching and cocktails every other week, hands down.
00:02:44.479 --> 00:02:44.960
Okay.
00:02:44.960 --> 00:02:52.639
But, anyways, I figured this was the perfect um all-encompassing chat to have with you guys after the last episode.
00:02:52.639 --> 00:02:55.039
And it's gonna help tie it all together for you.
00:02:55.039 --> 00:02:55.840
All right.
00:02:55.840 --> 00:03:01.759
So women often come to me with some sort of goal that they can't quite reach, okay?
00:03:01.759 --> 00:03:07.840
And this is likely due to a story holding them back, or they have a result in their life they don't like and they want to change it.
00:03:07.840 --> 00:03:12.159
But each time they try, they just revert back to old habits and patterns.
00:03:12.159 --> 00:03:19.840
Uh, a couple of examples would be maybe overeating, picking fights with their spouse, body image dissatisfaction.
00:03:19.840 --> 00:03:21.680
And that's just to name a few.
00:03:21.680 --> 00:03:32.159
And some, not all, of the work we do together is uncovering the self-limiting beliefs, the shitty self-talk to create awareness around what is going on.
00:03:32.159 --> 00:03:45.360
And then we work on changing those stories, which sometimes means creating a new thought and a new story, but it also means that knowing your inner critic will likely have a say often.
00:03:45.360 --> 00:03:54.719
So you have to learn to kind of see it for what it is in certain instances and just be able to turn the volume down when they pop in and move on.
00:03:54.719 --> 00:03:57.120
It's like creating resilience, if you will.
00:03:57.120 --> 00:04:02.400
Like I mentioned, I'm gonna break it up to two quick episodes to give you time to sit with what you hear today.
00:04:02.400 --> 00:04:08.240
And today is about finding the stories, why we have them, creating some space between you and the story.
00:04:08.240 --> 00:04:13.199
And the next episode, we're gonna chat about how to like shift the story.
00:04:13.199 --> 00:04:16.560
All right, so we all have stories.
00:04:16.560 --> 00:04:18.879
Some of them serve us, some don't.
00:04:18.879 --> 00:04:27.519
A lot of it is pre-programmed into us from family, our childhood, society, culture.
00:04:27.519 --> 00:04:34.160
Um, they could even be our own insecurities that we have developed over time or someone else's words.
00:04:34.160 --> 00:04:37.279
And it's just kind of how we've come to see ourselves.
00:04:37.279 --> 00:04:43.600
Like, for example, maybe you constantly trip over your words in a meeting when you're speaking.
00:04:43.600 --> 00:04:48.000
And under that, maybe a deep belief that you're not a good speaker.
00:04:48.000 --> 00:04:50.319
And it could come from an experience in your past.
00:04:50.319 --> 00:04:56.319
So you go into every meeting automatically thinking the belief, I'm not a good speaker.
00:04:56.319 --> 00:05:01.199
And then there's a bunch of side commentary from your inner critic going, you always make a fool of yourself.
00:05:01.199 --> 00:05:03.279
You're gonna trip over your fucking words.
00:05:03.279 --> 00:05:04.720
So what do you do?
00:05:04.720 --> 00:05:12.079
You you speak up and you trip over your words, and you continue to prove that belief and your inner critic true.
00:05:12.079 --> 00:05:12.639
Okay.
00:05:12.639 --> 00:05:19.360
And unfortunately, all the inner critic is trying to do in this instance is keep you safe from speaking up at all.
00:05:19.360 --> 00:05:26.560
So each time it's there to remind you that you always make a fool of yourself and you trip over your words, blah, fucking blah, right?
00:05:26.560 --> 00:05:35.279
It really does that because it thinks it's protecting you from things like failure, embarrassment, being ostracized, right?
00:05:35.279 --> 00:05:39.360
But that's not useful in the year 2026, okay?
00:05:39.360 --> 00:05:41.279
It's not useful in our day and age.
00:05:41.279 --> 00:05:43.680
Our brain hasn't quite caught up yet, right?
00:05:43.680 --> 00:05:46.319
In caveman days, sure.
00:05:46.319 --> 00:05:48.720
You were always anticipating danger, okay?
00:05:48.720 --> 00:05:50.480
You didn't want to be left out of the pack.
00:05:50.480 --> 00:05:51.839
You didn't want to get hurt.
00:05:51.839 --> 00:05:59.600
And like I said, our brain just hasn't caught up that most of what we're experiencing today isn't a real threat.
00:05:59.600 --> 00:06:04.319
So it's like old, outdated news, and it's really not doing you a damn bit of good.
00:06:04.319 --> 00:06:12.480
But the thing is, these stories shape how we see ourselves, what we believe we're capable of, and how we show up in the world.
00:06:12.480 --> 00:06:20.160
They literally become our identity and they almost like run our life on autopilot.
00:06:20.160 --> 00:06:22.160
So a lot of times we don't even know they're there.
00:06:22.160 --> 00:06:30.480
So the first thing I had these ladies do before they came to the event was answer some variation of these questions.
00:06:30.480 --> 00:06:30.959
Okay.
00:06:30.959 --> 00:06:35.279
And between now and the next episode, what I really want you to do is I want you to sit with these.
00:06:35.279 --> 00:06:37.839
It's literally the point of creating awareness.
00:06:37.839 --> 00:06:40.319
You don't have to do shit, okay?
00:06:40.319 --> 00:06:43.199
Just notice when this comes up.
00:06:43.199 --> 00:06:46.000
Also, we listen and we don't judge.
00:06:46.000 --> 00:06:49.120
So, no, you do not get to judge yourself for what comes up.
00:06:49.120 --> 00:06:51.360
Okay, that is not what we're doing here.
00:06:51.360 --> 00:06:56.639
Um, there is a PDF in the show notes, so don't worry about writing all of this down.
00:06:56.639 --> 00:07:06.079
But what comes up if I were to ask you, what do you think about your body or your overall physical health?
00:07:06.079 --> 00:07:14.480
What do you think about money, relationships, your friendships, your partner, your family, et cetera?
00:07:14.480 --> 00:07:19.279
What do you think about your job or the overall life you live?
00:07:19.279 --> 00:07:24.720
Are you particularly hard on yourself in any of these areas that I just mentioned?
00:07:24.720 --> 00:07:27.759
Like, where did your inner mean girl pop in the most?
00:07:27.759 --> 00:07:33.360
Did you find yourself using the word should when you speak about these different topics?
00:07:33.360 --> 00:07:37.199
Like I should be thinner, I should be a better mom.
00:07:37.199 --> 00:07:37.680
Okay.
00:07:37.680 --> 00:07:40.319
What came up for you is one of two things.
00:07:40.319 --> 00:07:42.959
It's a belief, which is a little bit more deeply rooted, right?
00:07:42.959 --> 00:07:46.480
Or it's a thought, kind of a little, a little more fleeting, if you will.
00:07:46.480 --> 00:07:49.120
And again, they may or may not serve you.
00:07:49.120 --> 00:08:04.319
How to know if one is not serving you is it it feels disempowering, if it feels negative, like you're picking on yourself or judging your character, those are the ones that you want to check in on.
00:08:04.319 --> 00:08:04.720
Okay.
00:08:04.720 --> 00:08:10.399
And so before I break each one down, I want to also normalize this for you.
00:08:10.399 --> 00:08:25.360
If you found stories that you had no idea were lurking under the surface, um, and you maybe see more clearly now an area where you've been hard on yourself in your life, there isn't a damn thing wrong with you.
00:08:25.360 --> 00:08:25.839
Okay.
00:08:25.839 --> 00:08:28.560
It doesn't mean you are somehow broken.
00:08:28.560 --> 00:08:31.199
Just welcome to being human, okay?
00:08:31.199 --> 00:08:33.440
This is part of the human experience.
00:08:33.440 --> 00:08:40.000
And we also happen to have a negativity bias where our brains tend to lean towards the negative.
00:08:40.000 --> 00:08:41.360
So it's not just you.
00:08:41.360 --> 00:08:43.519
You're not a unicorn, you're not alone.
00:08:43.519 --> 00:08:51.759
I have lots of stories, and it's one of the reasons I wanted to start this podcast because I want to share them on here to just normalize shit for you.
00:08:51.759 --> 00:08:52.240
Okay.
00:08:52.240 --> 00:09:03.600
So a self-limiting belief, where I'm gonna define these, is a story that you're holding on to about your capabilities.
00:09:03.600 --> 00:09:09.759
You don't often question them, you don't recognize them as optional, you believe them to be true.
00:09:09.759 --> 00:09:13.840
Like this is just how it is, this is just who I am.
00:09:13.840 --> 00:09:16.000
I've always been that way.
00:09:16.000 --> 00:09:17.679
They're deep-rooted.
00:09:17.679 --> 00:09:23.840
Like I always and I never sentences that start with those, that's some good shit to pay attention to.
00:09:23.840 --> 00:09:24.240
Okay.
00:09:24.240 --> 00:09:29.919
Here's the online definition, which isn't really as fun as mine, but I thought I'd give it to you just in case.
00:09:29.919 --> 00:09:37.600
False assumptions or negative thoughts about yourself and the world that hold you back from reaching your full potential.
00:09:37.600 --> 00:09:38.480
Okay.
00:09:38.480 --> 00:09:40.559
Shitty self-talk.
00:09:40.559 --> 00:09:43.360
I don't believe this is in the dictionary.
00:09:43.360 --> 00:09:47.360
It's something I started using when I became a coach, and I've just kind of like used it ever since.
00:09:47.360 --> 00:09:48.960
And a lot of people know me for it.
00:09:48.960 --> 00:09:52.320
But those are thoughts from your brain that don't serve you.
00:09:52.320 --> 00:09:52.720
Okay.
00:09:52.720 --> 00:09:54.960
They leave you feeling like shit about yourself.
00:09:54.960 --> 00:10:05.919
They can be subtle, they can be loud, they run on a loop, they're critical, and they're also more commonly referred to as negative self-talk from your inner mean girl, your inner critic.
00:10:05.919 --> 00:10:10.080
Uh, Brene Brown, I believe, refers to it as your inner gremlin or gremlins.
00:10:10.080 --> 00:10:20.639
Uh, the definition I found online for this one is it is the critical inner voice that points out our limitations, flaws, inefficiencies, and weaknesses at any given moment.
00:10:20.639 --> 00:10:24.080
A little more formal than mine, okay, but whatever.
00:10:24.080 --> 00:10:27.279
Um we listen and we don't judge, right?
00:10:27.279 --> 00:10:34.159
Also, there are some sneaky negative statements that aren't about our character, but are just more general that you should look out for.
00:10:34.159 --> 00:10:37.120
Like, I'm so stressed, busy, tired all of the time.
00:10:37.120 --> 00:10:41.120
This kind of thing feels like we're just sharing the news with a friend, okay?
00:10:41.120 --> 00:10:47.600
But your brain is gonna get to work to prove those comments true in your life if you're constantly repeating them.
00:10:47.600 --> 00:10:50.240
So be onto those if you hear them.
00:10:50.240 --> 00:10:55.600
All right, your inner critic aligns with your self-limiting beliefs.
00:10:55.600 --> 00:10:57.600
They kind of work together.
00:10:57.600 --> 00:11:04.879
And again, it's just your brain's way of keeping you safe from failure, rejection, embarrassment, all of the things.
00:11:04.879 --> 00:11:08.240
Think of limiting beliefs as the foundation of a home.
00:11:08.240 --> 00:11:12.480
And everything you say about yourself is built on top of those beliefs.
00:11:12.480 --> 00:11:20.320
And if your home is built with mostly self-limiting beliefs and more shitty self-talk than anything else, of course, your house would feel unsteady.
00:11:20.320 --> 00:11:27.120
Of course, you would feel a little wobbly because you're confined inside the walls of self-doubt and not enoughness.
00:11:27.120 --> 00:11:29.519
Again, don't beat yourself up for it.
00:11:29.519 --> 00:11:30.480
Totally normal.
00:11:30.480 --> 00:11:33.679
I just always want to like reiterate that you are not alone.
00:11:33.679 --> 00:11:38.559
So if you've ever achieved something that you're proud of, it did not happen by luck or by chance, you guys.
00:11:38.559 --> 00:11:45.919
You had some sort of story made up of self-talk, whether you were aware of it or not, that created actions that got you there.
00:11:45.919 --> 00:11:50.639
Like you might think something along the lines of, I'm capable of this.
00:11:50.639 --> 00:11:52.080
I can do hard things.
00:11:52.080 --> 00:11:53.279
This is for me.
00:11:53.279 --> 00:12:00.960
And you might have this belief under there that came from your parents telling you when you were little, like, oh, you really can do anything you put your mind to.
00:12:00.960 --> 00:12:03.519
So you just grew up like, no doubts, right?
00:12:03.519 --> 00:12:05.840
You're like, I fucking got this easy.
00:12:05.840 --> 00:12:07.600
Or maybe you're the opposite.
00:12:07.600 --> 00:12:21.279
You keep missing the mark on something that you have really been trying hard to achieve because you have a belief from past failures that achieving goals is hard for you.
00:12:21.279 --> 00:12:25.120
And under that is constant chatter from your inner critic.
00:12:25.120 --> 00:12:26.960
You've never been able to do it before.
00:12:26.960 --> 00:12:28.639
Why do you think this would be different?
00:12:28.639 --> 00:12:31.759
Setting goals and achieving them is not your thing.
00:12:31.759 --> 00:12:33.200
Remember that one time.
00:12:33.200 --> 00:12:42.639
I feel like these two examples just really see how your story can either work for you or against you to create the results that you want in your life.
00:12:42.639 --> 00:12:46.080
Okay, quick reminder as we we start to wrap things up.
00:12:46.080 --> 00:12:50.000
Not all beliefs are limiting and not all negative self-talk is a problem.
00:12:50.000 --> 00:12:50.399
Okay.
00:12:50.399 --> 00:12:52.879
Some of that self-talk comes and goes.
00:12:52.879 --> 00:12:56.639
It's the habitual beliefs and thoughts that you want to check in on.
00:12:56.639 --> 00:13:02.240
Those are the ones that can hold you back from creating the results in your life that you don't want.
00:13:02.240 --> 00:13:14.879
So, my first assignment, if you will, take those questions and start to notice where your inner critic pops in or where you might have an undiscovered limiting belief.
00:13:14.879 --> 00:13:15.279
Okay.
00:13:15.279 --> 00:13:24.639
And the last task for you today is to bring some separation between you and it, it being the story, the self-limiting belief, your shitty self-talk, whatever.
00:13:24.639 --> 00:13:24.960
Okay.
00:13:24.960 --> 00:13:25.759
You know the quote.
00:13:25.759 --> 00:13:27.120
You are not your thoughts.
00:13:27.120 --> 00:13:29.200
That's what we're getting to here.
00:13:29.200 --> 00:13:37.679
So being able to distance yourself from said thoughts is gonna help you turn the volume down so you don't immediately react when they pop in.
00:13:37.679 --> 00:13:46.320
Um, and you can do that by asking yourself, and these will also be on the handout, is my inner critic really my voice?
00:13:46.320 --> 00:13:52.639
Could it be a coach, a teacher, a parent, a grandparent, an ex?
00:13:52.639 --> 00:13:54.159
Is it from society?
00:13:54.159 --> 00:13:54.720
Okay.
00:13:54.720 --> 00:13:57.759
Was this belief handed down to me?
00:13:57.759 --> 00:14:05.360
Like, for example, did your parents always tell you money doesn't grow on trees and now you always feel like money is scarce and you're always broke?
00:14:05.360 --> 00:14:05.759
Okay.
00:14:05.759 --> 00:14:08.000
There is no coincidence here.
00:14:08.000 --> 00:14:11.360
Um, for me, I had a long-held belief that I wasn't athletic.
00:14:11.360 --> 00:14:23.279
And like when I actually started to look at it, I could pinpoint all of the evidence my brain had gathered from that in my lifetime to create that self-limiting belief for me.
00:14:23.279 --> 00:14:26.639
You don't always have to dig deep into your past, okay?
00:14:26.639 --> 00:14:29.840
We'll talk about this more in the next episode, but this is just my example.
00:14:29.840 --> 00:14:44.240
Um, I remember in elementary school, I was playing, I think we were playing softball, and I caught the ball, but like on the tip of my glove, and then it hit me on my head, and I had like a big goose egg for our sock hop dance we had later that night.
00:14:44.240 --> 00:14:52.639
And so I was like, oh my gosh, like I feel like I can hear the chatter right now as I say it in my brain about like how embarrassing I am at sports or whatever.
00:14:52.639 --> 00:14:56.399
I can never climb up the rope in gym, if you remember that.
00:14:56.399 --> 00:15:04.639
Um, I wasn't good at the at the sit and reach test, which let me tell you, going to Pilates, I can do some sitting and reaching now, okay?
00:15:04.639 --> 00:15:18.480
Um, but I think the best story that was just like, you're just not cut out for some of these things that like athletes do was when I went skiing in seventh grade with my friend's youth group and I was on the bunny slope and they were teaching me how to ski.
00:15:18.480 --> 00:15:21.120
And I could not stop myself, you guys.
00:15:21.120 --> 00:15:24.000
I had, I was just like, I can't stop.
00:15:24.000 --> 00:15:25.840
And then I'm like yelling going down the hill.
00:15:25.840 --> 00:15:27.519
I'm like, I can't stop.
00:15:27.519 --> 00:15:35.919
And you know how they set up like the barricad, I don't think they're called barricades, but like the ropes to guide you into the ski lift.
00:15:35.919 --> 00:15:45.919
I came flying down the hill in between the ropes and like landed on my ass on a tiny hill in front of the restaurant in Telluride, Colorado.
00:15:45.919 --> 00:15:50.240
And so that one definitely kept me from ever going skiing again, by the way.
00:15:50.240 --> 00:15:51.679
But it also was just another story.
00:15:51.679 --> 00:15:54.320
It was like, obviously, I'm not very athletic.
00:15:54.320 --> 00:16:11.039
And I could sit here and I could tell you a million more, but you can see how just pulling all these little tiny, like single instances and compiling them together can create a story in our life that doesn't serve us, that holds us back from doing things.
00:16:11.039 --> 00:16:15.360
I never went and skied again because I was afraid to, because of one instance.
00:16:15.360 --> 00:16:17.360
And I told myself, it's just not for me.
00:16:17.360 --> 00:16:18.559
I'm not a skier.
00:16:18.559 --> 00:16:24.720
Um, so it's for me, sometimes it's kind of fun to like discover those things and see it.
00:16:24.720 --> 00:16:27.279
But again, we'll talk about it next episode.
00:16:27.279 --> 00:16:30.320
Coaching is it's very future focused.
00:16:30.320 --> 00:16:32.000
We don't dig into the past.
00:16:32.000 --> 00:16:36.879
So um it's not always necessary, but I always love sharing that story.
00:16:36.879 --> 00:16:43.759
And uh, I figured some of you might get a kick out of hearing that I ate shit in front of the restaurant on a ski slope.
00:16:43.759 --> 00:16:47.039
Anyways, okay, I digress.
00:16:47.039 --> 00:16:48.799
That was a very long tangent.
00:16:48.799 --> 00:16:49.759
You're welcome.
00:16:49.759 --> 00:16:54.720
Um, the other thing you can do is name your inner critic, okay?
00:16:54.720 --> 00:17:00.320
So you can name it like Regina from Mean Girls, or you can give it an accent for fun.
00:17:00.320 --> 00:17:11.839
When you do these things, when you name it, when you give it an accent, it takes the emotional like power out of the thought and it makes it feel less loaded.
00:17:11.839 --> 00:17:15.200
So let's see if I can do an accent for you guys right now.
00:17:15.200 --> 00:17:17.359
It like say you named it and you gave it an accent.
00:17:17.359 --> 00:17:23.920
You're like, oh, Regina just said I embarrassed myself at dinner in front of a new friend or some shit like that.
00:17:23.920 --> 00:17:25.759
Like, see how silly that sounds?
00:17:25.759 --> 00:17:29.279
Like, I can't even take myself seriously when I say that.
00:17:29.279 --> 00:17:31.599
Oh, Regina, that bitch.
00:17:31.599 --> 00:17:33.200
Like, whatever.
00:17:33.200 --> 00:17:36.000
It just makes it so much more fun.
00:17:36.000 --> 00:17:38.480
I'm literally, I'm about to cry laughing at myself.
00:17:38.480 --> 00:17:39.920
Anyways, okay.
00:17:39.920 --> 00:17:42.240
I am back on track.
00:17:42.240 --> 00:17:45.839
Okay, so the third thing you can do is just change the sentence.
00:17:45.839 --> 00:17:48.079
Remember, we're creating separation here.
00:17:48.079 --> 00:17:55.119
So if you're like thinking I'm gross, yeah, that's gonna feel heavy, that's gonna feel loaded.
00:17:55.119 --> 00:17:55.519
Okay.
00:17:55.519 --> 00:17:58.720
You could say, my brain is thinking the thought I'm gross.
00:17:58.720 --> 00:18:01.599
Regina is thinking the thought I'm gross.
00:18:01.599 --> 00:18:05.680
Regina is thinking the thought I'm gross, whatever, right?
00:18:05.680 --> 00:18:14.880
Like, feel the difference between those and play around and just see which one helps you feel lighter.
00:18:14.880 --> 00:18:17.039
I think is the right word I'm going for here.
00:18:17.039 --> 00:18:18.240
I don't know at the moment.
00:18:18.240 --> 00:18:19.920
Now I'm so distracted by accents.
00:18:19.920 --> 00:18:22.880
I'm like, what am I trying to say at the moment?
00:18:22.880 --> 00:18:25.839
Um, yes, which which one makes you feel lighter?
00:18:25.839 --> 00:18:30.000
Okay, then you'll know you're getting some separation from that thought or that story.
00:18:30.000 --> 00:19:10.079
Let's wrap this shit up, shall we?
00:19:10.079 --> 00:19:12.720
You can't rewrite a thought you haven't caught yet.
00:19:12.720 --> 00:19:15.440
So we have to start here with this awareness.
00:19:15.440 --> 00:19:18.160
And that's really all I have for you guys today.
00:19:18.160 --> 00:19:24.079
So I'm gonna see you in two weeks where we're gonna chat about how to shift the beliefs and the self talk holding you back.
00:19:24.079 --> 00:19:31.759
And as always, especially when we get a loaded episode like this where there's lots of information, take what fits and leave the rest.
00:19:31.759 --> 00:19:33.039
I'll talk to you next time.
