WEBVTT
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Hey, it's Jay. I don't know what your day's been like,
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but I was just thinking about you for a minute
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and I hope you're being a little patient with yourself
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because you deserve it. And yeah, I'll talk to you soon.
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Most people think they have a confidence problem. They think
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if they could just believe in themselves a little more,
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they would finally ask for the promotion, make the career change,
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leave the relationship that isn't working, or take the first
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step toward the life they've been imagining. But here's my take.
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I don't actually think confidence is the thing that's holding
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most of us back. I think the truth is, we
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have a validation problem. Somewhere along the way, many of
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us stopped asking, what do I think? and start asking,
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what does everyone else think? Before we buy a couch,
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we read 100 reviews. Before we wear an outfit, we
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send a picture to the group chat. Before we make
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a decision, we call a mentor. Before we post a photo,
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we overthink about how well it will be received. We
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don't even realize how often we're waiting for someone else
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to tell us it's okay before we allow ourselves to move.
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The truth is, we've never lived in a world that
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gives us this much feedback. Every app has likes, comments, stars, reviews, rankings, followers, streaks,
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or scores. At work, we have performance reviews. At school,
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we have grades. Even our watches tell us whether we've
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had a productive day. Every time we open our phones,
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we're reminded that almost everything can be measured, compared, ranked,
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and evaluated. I don't think that's making us bad people.
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but I do think it's changing us in ways we
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rarely stop to notice. Every generation has its own hidden challenge.
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Our grandparents learned how to survive scarcity. Our parents learned
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how to navigate opportunity. I think one of the defining
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challenges of our generation is learning how to navigate constant evaluation.
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We've become so accustomed to being measured by the outside
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world that we've slowly forgotten how to internally measure ourselves.
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The problem is external feedback is a terrible place to
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build an internal identity. When your confidence depends on applause,
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it disappears the moment the room goes quiet. When your
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self-worth depends on approval, every disagreement starts to feel like
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evidence that you're on the wrong path. We begin to
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mistake silence for failure, hesitation for a sign to stop,
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and criticism for proof that we shouldn't have started in
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the first place. But psychology tells us something fascinating. Human
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beings aren't born needing constant validation. We're born needing connection.
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And those are two very different things. Somewhere along the way,
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our brains started treating approval as if it were the
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same thing as belonging. And once that happens, we don't
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just look for advice anymore. We start looking for permission.
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Permission to change, permission to grow, permission to want something different.
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Permission to become someone new. So today, I want to
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share five shifts that completely change the way I think
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about confidence, approval, and self-belief. Because I don't think your
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goal should be to become someone everyone believes in. I
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think your goal could be to become someone you yourself
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can trust. Picture this. Imagine you're sitting in a meeting
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at work and an idea pops into your head. You
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think it could solve the problem everyone has been talking
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about for the last 20 minutes. But before you say anything,
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you glance around the room. No one else seems to
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be thinking what you're thinking. So you stay quiet. 10
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minutes later... Someone else suggests almost the exact same idea
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and suddenly everyone loves it. You leave wondering why you
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didn't just say it first. Or maybe your friends ask
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where you want to go for dinner. You know exactly
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where you'd like to eat. But instead you hear yourself say,
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I'm happy with whatever everyone else wants. Feels polite. Feels easy.
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But if you really pay attention, you'll notice how often
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we silence our own preferences before anyone has even disagreed
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with them. We become so practiced at reading the room
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that we slowly stop reading ourselves. Psychologists have been studying
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this for decades. One of the most famous experiments in
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social psychology was conducted by Solomon Asch in the 1950s.
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Participants were shown a series of lines and asked an
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incredibly simple question. Which line matches the length of the
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one on the card? The answer was obvious, but when
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everyone else in the room who were secretly actors working
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with the researchers, intentionally gave the wrong answer, many participants
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abandoned what they could clearly see with their own eyes
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and agreed with the group instead. Think about that for
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a second. They weren't confused. They weren't incapable of seeing
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the correct answer. They simply trusted the consensus more than
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they trusted their own perception. This episode of On Purpose
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is presented to you by Mazda. Peace of mind doesn't
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happen by chance. It's created through the habits we build
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before we ever need them. That's the philosophy behind every Mazda.
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With proactive safety features that help keep you more aware,
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more connected, and more engaged, Mazda helps you feel ready
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for whatever the road brings. It's why Mazda has been
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named Consumer Reports' safest new car brand. And as of
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July 2026, Mazda has won more 2026 IIHS Top Safety
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Pick Plus awards than any other car brand. Visit www.iihs.org
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to learn more. A lot can happen when an accident doesn't.
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Visit mazdausa.com to learn more. Consumer Reports does not endorse
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products or services. Belonging has always been one of the
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strongest psychological forces in human life. For most of human history,
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being separated from the group wasn't just uncomfortable, it could
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be dangerous. Our brains evolved with one question constantly running
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in the background. Am I still with the tribe? What's
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remarkable is that this instinct doesn't just show up in
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major life decisions. It actually quietly shapes hundreds of tiny
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moments every single day. Someone says a movie was terrible,
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and suddenly you're less sure whether you actually enjoyed it.
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Everyone at the table orders cocktails, even though you really
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wanted tea. A trend becomes uncool, and without thinking, you
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start questioning whether you ever liked it in the first place.
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Consensus has a funny way of disguising itself as truth,
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and that's what makes this so important. The more often
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we borrow the crowd's opinion... the harder it becomes to
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recognize our own. We start assuming that if everyone agrees,
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they must be right. If nobody responds to our idea,
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it must not be good. If our family doesn't understand
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our decision, maybe we shouldn't make it. We slowly begin
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outsourcing our judgment without even realizing we're doing it. The
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irony is that history tells us the exact opposite story.
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Almost every meaningful idea, invention, movement, or piece of art
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was unpopular with someone before it became accepted. Consensus isn't
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what creates meaning. More often than not, consensus catches up
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to meaning long after someone had the courage to trust
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what they could already see. So the next time you
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catch yourself looking around the room before trusting your own instincts,
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pause for a moment. Instead of asking, does everyone agree
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with me? Ask yourself a different question. What evidence do
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I have that this feels right to me? Consensus can
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be useful. Advice can be valuable. But none of those
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things should replace your own ability to think. Because the
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strongest inner voice isn't the one that never listens to
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anyone else. It's the one that can hear everyone else's
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opinion without losing sight of its own. That takes me
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to the second thing I want to touch on. Have
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you ever sent a text, and then found yourself checking
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your phone every few minutes? I think we've all been there. Logically,
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you know they're probably busy. You know they might be driving, working,
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or simply haven't seen it yet. But as the minutes
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turn into hours, your mind starts filling in the blanks.
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Did I say something wrong? Are they upset with me?
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Did I misread the conversation? Suddenly, the silence starts to
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feel like a reflection of your worth instead of a
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reflection of their schedule. Here's another scenario. You walk out
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of a meeting and suddenly you're spending the rest of
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the day replaying one person's reaction to an idea you had.
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Nine people smiled, nodded, or thanked you for your contribution,
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but one person looked distracted or unconvinced. Somehow your brain
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completely ignores the encouragement and becomes fixated on the one
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person who didn't validate you. It's incredible how quickly our
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minds gravitate toward disapproval instead of acceptance. There's a reason
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for that, and it has very little to do with confidence.
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Neuroscientists have discovered that social rejection isn't something our brains
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treat lightly. Research led by psychologist Naomi Eisenberger found that
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many of the same brain regions activated by physical pain
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also become active when we experience social exclusions. In other
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words your brain doesn't simply interpret rejection as an unpleasant feeling.
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On a neurological level it interprets it as a threat.
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Thousands of years ago that response made perfect sense. Human
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beings survived in tribes. If you were rejected by your
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community your chances of finding food protection or shelter dropped dramatically.
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Belonging wasn't just emotionally important, it was essential to survival.
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Our brains evolved to protect that belonging at almost any cost.
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But here's what's fascinating. Your brain hasn't evolved nearly as
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quickly as your environment has. It still reacts to a
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delayed text or a critical comment or a lack of
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approval as though your place in the tribe might be
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at risk. What once protected us can now convince us
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to question ourselves every time someone disagrees with us. I
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think that's why it's so important to separate two words
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we often use interchangeably. Belonging and approval. Belonging is the
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feeling that you're worthy of love and connection simply because
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you exist. Approval is someone else's opinion about your choices,
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your ideas, or your behavior. They're not the same thing,
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but we often treat them as if they are. We
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begin believing that if someone doesn't approve our decision, they're
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rejecting us as a person. Think about a child dancing
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in the living room when their favorite song comes on.
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They don't wonder if they look cool. They aren't scanning
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the room to see if anyone else is dancing first.
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They hear music, they feel joy, and they move. Somewhere
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between childhood and adulthood, something changes. By the time we're teenagers...
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We look around before we dance. By the time we're adults,
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many of us say, I don't dance. When what we
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really mean is, I don't want to be judged. That's
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what constant evaluation does. It slowly teaches us to replace
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self-expression with self-consciousness. We stop asking what feels natural to
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me and start asking, how will this be perceived? Without
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realizing it, we begin performing our lives instead of participating
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in them. So the next time you find yourself craving
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someone's approval, I want you to pause before you chase it.
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Ask yourself a question. Am I looking for information or
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am I looking for reassurance? Information can make your decisions better.
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Reassurance might make you feel better for a moment. But
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if reassurance becomes the thing you depend on before every decision,
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you will slowly lose the ability to trust your own voice.
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And that takes us to the third thing I want
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to focus on. People don't actually always see you as
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you are. Sometimes they see you as you were. Here's
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what I mean. Imagine you go home for the holidays.
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You've spent the last year growing. Maybe you've become calmer,
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more patient, more confident. You've learned how to communicate differently.
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You've gone to therapy. Maybe you just changed your hairstyle.
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You've set healthier boundaries. You've lost some weight, put on
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some muscle. But within 24 hours of being back with
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your family, you're arguing with your siblings the same way
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you did when you were 16. It's almost like you've
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stepped back into an old version of yourself without meaning to.
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But what if this isn't a reflection on your growth
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and is instead a reflection of how other people around
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you are viewing and categorizing you? The truth is our
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brains create mental shortcuts to make sense of the people
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around us. Psychologists call this confirmation bias. It's one of
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the reasons first impressions are so powerful and one of
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the reasons genuine change can take so long for other
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people to recognize. They're not seeing today's version of you
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in isolation. They're filtering today's version through years of yesterday's memories.
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The interesting thing is that we all do this. we
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still think of someone as their shy one, even after
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they've become a confident leader. We still introduce our friend
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as the silly one, the messy one, or the responsible one,
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even though they've evolved in countless ways since we first
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met them. Labels make the world easier for our brains
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to organize, but they also make it harder for us
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to notice when someone has outgrown them. This is one
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of the reasons strangers sometimes believe in us before the
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people who've known us our entire lives. A stranger doesn't
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know about your abandoned projects, your awkward first attempts, or
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the version of you that existed 10 years ago. They
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simply experience the person standing in front of them today. Meanwhile,
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the people who love you most are unconsciously comparing today's
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version of you to every version they've ever known. Here's
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the paradox. The more energy we spend trying to convince
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people that we've changed, the less energy we spend actually changing.
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We find ourselves explaining, defending, and justifying our growth instead
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of simply living it. But real transformation has never been
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something you argue people into believing. It's something you demonstrate
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consistently enough that eventually your life becomes impossible to misunderstand.
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That doesn't mean your friends and family don't love you.
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In fact, it's often because they do. Their picture of
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you has been built over years, sometimes decades, and our
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brains don't redraw those pictures overnight. They're not necessarily resisting
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your future. They're simply trying to reconcile it with the
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version of you they've always known. One of the most
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freeing realizations you can have is that you don't need
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everyone to update their picture of you before you continue
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becoming who you're meant to be. Some people will always
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meet the version of you they remember. Others will eventually
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catch up. Your job isn't to manage everyone's perception of you.
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Your job is to become so rooted in who you're
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becoming that you no longer need other people to confirm it.
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Which leads to the next part of this conversation. In
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order to stop seeking external validation, you need to be
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sure that you're genuinely living in alignment with what you
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actually want. The question isn't, can I achieve this? It isn't,
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do other people think this is a good idea? The
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question is much simpler than that. Is this actually what
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I want? Because we could spend our lives chasing approval
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or we could chase something that genuinely fulfills us. Psychologists
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have long studied how our preferences are shaped by the
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approval of the people around us. We naturally evaluate ourselves
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by comparing ourselves to others. In fact, the mere exposure
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effect shows the more often we're exposed to something, the
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more familiar and more desirable it begins to feel. In
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other words, our brains are constantly absorbing ideas about what success, beauty, happiness,
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and achievements are supposed to look like, often without our
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conscious awareness. I think this is one of the hidden
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costs of constantly seeking validation. When we become dependent on
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other people's approval, we also become more vulnerable to other
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people's definitions of success. We don't just ask them whether
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we're doing a good job. We let them decide what
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the job should be. Little by little, our lives begin
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to reflect the expectations around us instead of the values
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within us. That's why I think one of the most
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courageous things you can do is periodically audit your own desires.
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Ask yourself, if no one could see this decision, would
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I still want it? If there were no photos to post,
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no one to impress, no timeline to keep up with,
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and no expectations to meet, would this still be the
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life you're trying to build? Those questions don't always have
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easy answers, but they do have incredibly honest ones. Before
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you ask the world to validate your dream, make sure
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it's actually your dream. because there's something even more exhausting
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than chasing approval. It's spending years earning approval for a
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life you never truly wanted in the first place. This
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episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk
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a lot about intentional decision making, and that extends to
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the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually
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works for your life. State Farm is there to meet
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you where you are, and they know how sweet it
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is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a
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State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose
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to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like
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a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based
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on rating plans that vary by state, coverage options are
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selected by the customer, availability, amount of discounts and savings,
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and eligibility vary by state. That takes me to the
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last thing I want to hit on. If you never
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want to seek external validation again, you need to become
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someone that you can trust. Once you've stopped outsourcing your
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definition of success, the question becomes, what do you replace
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it with? Most people would answer confidence, but I don't
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think that's the right answer. I think confidence is wonderful,
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but it's also inconsistent. Some mornings you wake up feeling unstoppable.
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Other mornings comparison can have you questioning everything. That's very human.
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If your life depends on feeling confident every day, you're
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going to spend a lot of time waiting for feelings
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to shift. I think what we're really looking for is
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something much more stable. We're looking for self-trust. Confidence says,
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I think I can do this. Self-trust says, even if
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I can't today, I know I'll figure it out. That's
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a completely different foundation. One depends on predicting the future.
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The other depends on believing in the person you'll be
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no matter what the future brings. Psychologist Albert Bandura called
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this self-efficacy, your belief in your ability to handle challenges
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and influence outcomes. What's fascinating is that decades of research
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show self-efficacy isn't built by positive thinking. It grows through
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what Bandura called mastery experiences. Every time you do something difficult,
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every time you keep a promise to yourself, every time
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you recover from a setback, your brain quietly gathers another
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piece of evidence that says, I've handled hard things before.
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I can handle this too. Think about learning to ride
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a bike as a child. You wobbled, you fell, maybe
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you scraped your knee. But each attempt taught your brain
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something new. Eventually, you stopped wondering whether you could ride
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the bike because your body had accumulated enough evidence to
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stop asking the question. That's how self-trust works. It isn't
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built in a single breakthrough moment. It's built through hundreds
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of ordinary moments of following through. This is why I
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think we sometimes misunderstand what confidence actually is. We imagine
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it's created by compliments, achievements, or people telling us we're talented.
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Those things can certainly feel good, but they fade surprisingly quickly.
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Someone compliments your work today, and tomorrow, you're hoping they'll
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compliment it again. Your post gets thousands of likes this week,
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and next week, you wonder why it didn't happen again.
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External validation has a remarkably short shelf life. I like
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to think of it this way. Validation is rented, but
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self-respect is owned. Every compliment, every award, every promotion, every
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round of applause is temporary. None of those things become
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a permanent part of your identity unless you already learn
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to believe them yourself. Self-respect is different because no one
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can give it to you, which also means no one
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can take it away. It's built every time you choose
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integrity over convenience. discipline over excuses, and honesty over performance.
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There's another idea in psychology that I love called an
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internal locus of control. It's the belief that while you
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can't control everything that happens to you, you can influence
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how you respond. People with a stronger internal locus of
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control tend to be more resilient, recover more quickly from setbacks,
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and experience greater well-being because they don't hand the steering
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wheel of their lives to other people's opinions. Feedback becomes
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something they consider, but not something they obey. So maybe
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the goal isn't to stop listening to external viewpoints altogether.
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Wisdom often comes from mentors, loved ones, and people who
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challenge our thinking. But there's a profound difference between seeking
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perspective and surrendering your agency. One expands your thinking, the
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other replaces it. Learning to recognize that difference may be
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one of the most important skills you'll ever develop. The
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next time you're waiting for someone to tell you you're ready,
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remember this. There will always be someone who doesn't understand
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your decision, someone who would have chosen differently, or someone
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who thinks you should wait a little longer. If you
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spend your life collecting unanimous approval, you'll never collect enough
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evidence to trust yourself. Because at the end of the day,
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confidence will come and go. Some days you'll feel unstoppable
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and other days you'll question everything. But self-trust is different.
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Self-trust says, even if I'm afraid, I'll still show up.
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Even if I fail, I'll learn. Even if no one applauds,
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I'll keep going. And I think that's a much stronger
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foundation to build a life on. Not becoming someone everyone
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believes in, but becoming someone you never stop believing in.
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If there's one thing I hope you take away from
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today's episode, it's this. Your life will change the moment
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you stop treating other people's approval as a prerequisite for
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your own decisions. The 7-Day Challenge is brought to you
369
00:22:58.970 --> 00:23:03.170
by Ultra Running. Creating space can change everything. Space to
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00:23:03.190 --> 00:23:06.230
think more clearly, move with intention, and focus on what
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00:23:06.269 --> 00:23:10.410
truly matters. Ultra running shoes are designed with the ultra fit,
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00:23:10.819 --> 00:23:14.440
giving your feet the room they need to move naturally, comfortably,
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00:23:14.759 --> 00:23:19.059
and with strength over time. Now, here's this week's seven-day challenge.
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Here's your challenge this week. For the next seven days,
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I want you to stop looking outside of yourself for
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validation and start building trust in your own voice. And
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each day, I'm giving you one simple thing to do.
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Day one, make one decision without asking anyone else what
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they think. It can be as small as where you
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eat or what you wear. Day two, share an idea
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or opinion you would normally keep to yourself because you're
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worried about how it will be received. Day three, take
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a 20-minute walk outside without your phone. Give yourself space
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to think and ask yourself, what do I actually want
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right now? Day four, do something you genuinely enjoy without
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posting it, photographing it, or telling anyone about it. Let
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the experience be enough. Day five, say no to one
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thing you don't actually want to do and don't over-explain yourself.
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Day six, do one thing you've been putting off because
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you've been waiting for someone else's encouragement or permission. And
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day seven, make one promise to yourself and keep it.
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Go for the run, take the walk, start the project,
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make the decision. Whatever it is, follow through. At the
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end of the seven days, ask yourself, did I trust
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my own voice more this week? Because self-trust isn't something
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you suddenly find. You build it every time you listen
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to yourself, every time you follow through, and every time
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you create the space to hear your own voice before
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everyone else's. That's your seven-day challenge. The seven-day challenge was
400
00:24:48.900 --> 00:24:53.119
brought to you by Ultra Running. Ultra Fit Design gives
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00:24:53.160 --> 00:24:57.430
your feet the room they need to move naturally for comfort, balance,
402
00:24:57.549 --> 00:25:00.309
and real strength so you can spend less time standing
403
00:25:00.390 --> 00:25:04.509
still and more time getting outside. Whether you're running, walking, hiking,
404
00:25:04.569 --> 00:25:08.210
or simply exploring, Ultra is designed to move with you.
405
00:25:08.769 --> 00:25:12.930
Visit ultrarunning.com forward slash on purpose and use the code
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00:25:13.009 --> 00:25:17.940
PURPOSE10 for 10% off. Stay out there. Validation feels good.
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00:25:18.420 --> 00:25:21.930
We all enjoy being encouraged, supported, and celebrated. There's nothing
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wrong with wanting those things. The problem is when we
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begin believing we need them before we're willing to move forward.
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Because here's what I've realized. There is no point in
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your life where everyone is going to agree with you.
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Someone will think you started too early. Someone else will
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think you waited too long. Someone will tell you the
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risk isn't worth it. Someone else will wonder why you
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didn't take an even bigger one. If you spend your
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life trying to satisfy every opinion, you'll eventually lose touch
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with the only one you have to live with, your own.
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I want you to think about the version of yourself
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before the world started grading everything. before likes and followers,
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before performance reviews and comparison, before you learned that almost
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every decision could be measured, ranked or judged. Think about
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yourself as a child. You probably laughed because something was funny,
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not because everyone else was laughing. You probably danced because
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music was playing, not because you were wondering how you looked.
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You probably asked questions because you were curious, not because
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you were worried about sounding smart. Somewhere along the way,
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many of us stopped participating in our lives and started
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observing them. We became audiences for our own lives instead
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of participants in them. Instead of making decisions from our values,
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we started making them from other people's expectations. We became
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so focused on being accepted that we slowly stopped expressing ourselves.
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I'm not saying you should never care again about what
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other people think. But I'm saying that if you learn
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to care more about what you truly think, you'll save
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yourself a lot of pointless, exhausting validation chasing. Let external
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views inform your thinking, but never let them replace it.
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Because the people who leave the biggest mark on the
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world rarely begin with consensus. They begin with conviction. Long
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before anyone else believes in them, they decide they're willing
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to take one more step, make one more attempt, or
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create one more imperfect draft. They don't wait until the
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crowd catches up. They trust themselves long enough for everyone
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else to eventually do the same. So this week, I
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want you to notice the smallest moments. Notice how often
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you're about to ask someone else what you should do.
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Notice how often you're looking for reassurance before making a
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decision you already know the answer to. And before you
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reach for your phone or ask for the group chat,
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pause for just a moment and ask yourself one simple question.
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What do I think? At first the answer might feel unfamiliar.
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That's okay. You've spent years training yourself to hear everyone
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else's voice first. It takes time to strengthen your own.
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But every time you listen to it, every time you
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trust it, every time you keep a promise to yourself,
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that voice gets a little clearer and a little stronger.
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You don't need to become someone everyone believes in. You
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need to become someone you believe in. And when you
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can do that, you'll discover something that no amount of applause, praise,
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likes or approval can ever give you. You'll discover the
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freedom of knowing your life is no longer being directed
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by the crowd, but by your own values, your own
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choices and your own inner voice. And I think that's
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the greatest confidence any of us can experience. Remember, I'm
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always rooting for you. I'm forever in your corner.
1
00:00:01.600 --> 00:00:05.200
Hey, it's Jay. I don't know what your day's been like,
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00:00:05.700 --> 00:00:08.060
but I was just thinking about you for a minute
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00:00:08.800 --> 00:00:10.880
and I hope you're being a little patient with yourself
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because you deserve it. And yeah, I'll talk to you soon.
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Most people think they have a confidence problem. They think
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00:00:29.160 --> 00:00:31.570
if they could just believe in themselves a little more,
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they would finally ask for the promotion, make the career change,
8
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leave the relationship that isn't working, or take the first
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step toward the life they've been imagining. But here's my take.
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I don't actually think confidence is the thing that's holding
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most of us back. I think the truth is, we
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have a validation problem. Somewhere along the way, many of
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us stopped asking, what do I think? and start asking,
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what does everyone else think? Before we buy a couch,
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we read 100 reviews. Before we wear an outfit, we
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send a picture to the group chat. Before we make
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a decision, we call a mentor. Before we post a photo,
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we overthink about how well it will be received. We
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don't even realize how often we're waiting for someone else
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to tell us it's okay before we allow ourselves to move.
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The truth is, we've never lived in a world that
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gives us this much feedback. Every app has likes, comments, stars, reviews, rankings, followers, streaks,
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or scores. At work, we have performance reviews. At school,
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we have grades. Even our watches tell us whether we've
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had a productive day. Every time we open our phones,
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we're reminded that almost everything can be measured, compared, ranked,
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and evaluated. I don't think that's making us bad people.
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but I do think it's changing us in ways we
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rarely stop to notice. Every generation has its own hidden challenge.
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Our grandparents learned how to survive scarcity. Our parents learned
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how to navigate opportunity. I think one of the defining
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challenges of our generation is learning how to navigate constant evaluation.
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We've become so accustomed to being measured by the outside
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world that we've slowly forgotten how to internally measure ourselves.
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The problem is external feedback is a terrible place to
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build an internal identity. When your confidence depends on applause,
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it disappears the moment the room goes quiet. When your
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self-worth depends on approval, every disagreement starts to feel like
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evidence that you're on the wrong path. We begin to
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mistake silence for failure, hesitation for a sign to stop,
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and criticism for proof that we shouldn't have started in
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the first place. But psychology tells us something fascinating. Human
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beings aren't born needing constant validation. We're born needing connection.
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And those are two very different things. Somewhere along the way,
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our brains started treating approval as if it were the
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same thing as belonging. And once that happens, we don't
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just look for advice anymore. We start looking for permission.
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Permission to change, permission to grow, permission to want something different.
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Permission to become someone new. So today, I want to
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share five shifts that completely change the way I think
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about confidence, approval, and self-belief. Because I don't think your
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goal should be to become someone everyone believes in. I
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think your goal could be to become someone you yourself
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can trust. Picture this. Imagine you're sitting in a meeting
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at work and an idea pops into your head. You
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think it could solve the problem everyone has been talking
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about for the last 20 minutes. But before you say anything,
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you glance around the room. No one else seems to
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be thinking what you're thinking. So you stay quiet. 10
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minutes later... Someone else suggests almost the exact same idea
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and suddenly everyone loves it. You leave wondering why you
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didn't just say it first. Or maybe your friends ask
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where you want to go for dinner. You know exactly
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where you'd like to eat. But instead you hear yourself say,
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I'm happy with whatever everyone else wants. Feels polite. Feels easy.
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But if you really pay attention, you'll notice how often
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we silence our own preferences before anyone has even disagreed
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with them. We become so practiced at reading the room
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that we slowly stop reading ourselves. Psychologists have been studying
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this for decades. One of the most famous experiments in
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social psychology was conducted by Solomon Asch in the 1950s.
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Participants were shown a series of lines and asked an
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incredibly simple question. Which line matches the length of the
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one on the card? The answer was obvious, but when
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everyone else in the room who were secretly actors working
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with the researchers, intentionally gave the wrong answer, many participants
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abandoned what they could clearly see with their own eyes
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and agreed with the group instead. Think about that for
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a second. They weren't confused. They weren't incapable of seeing
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the correct answer. They simply trusted the consensus more than
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they trusted their own perception. This episode of On Purpose
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00:05:22.110 --> 00:05:25.319
is presented to you by Mazda. Peace of mind doesn't
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happen by chance. It's created through the habits we build
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before we ever need them. That's the philosophy behind every Mazda.
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With proactive safety features that help keep you more aware,
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more connected, and more engaged, Mazda helps you feel ready
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for whatever the road brings. It's why Mazda has been
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named Consumer Reports' safest new car brand. And as of
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July 2026, Mazda has won more 2026 IIHS Top Safety
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Pick Plus awards than any other car brand. Visit www.iihs.org
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to learn more. A lot can happen when an accident doesn't.
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Visit mazdausa.com to learn more. Consumer Reports does not endorse
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products or services. Belonging has always been one of the
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strongest psychological forces in human life. For most of human history,
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being separated from the group wasn't just uncomfortable, it could
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be dangerous. Our brains evolved with one question constantly running
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in the background. Am I still with the tribe? What's
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remarkable is that this instinct doesn't just show up in
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major life decisions. It actually quietly shapes hundreds of tiny
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moments every single day. Someone says a movie was terrible,
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and suddenly you're less sure whether you actually enjoyed it.
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Everyone at the table orders cocktails, even though you really
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wanted tea. A trend becomes uncool, and without thinking, you
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start questioning whether you ever liked it in the first place.
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Consensus has a funny way of disguising itself as truth,
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and that's what makes this so important. The more often
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we borrow the crowd's opinion... the harder it becomes to
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recognize our own. We start assuming that if everyone agrees,
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they must be right. If nobody responds to our idea,
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it must not be good. If our family doesn't understand
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our decision, maybe we shouldn't make it. We slowly begin
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outsourcing our judgment without even realizing we're doing it. The
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irony is that history tells us the exact opposite story.
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Almost every meaningful idea, invention, movement, or piece of art
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was unpopular with someone before it became accepted. Consensus isn't
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what creates meaning. More often than not, consensus catches up
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to meaning long after someone had the courage to trust
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what they could already see. So the next time you
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catch yourself looking around the room before trusting your own instincts,
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pause for a moment. Instead of asking, does everyone agree
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with me? Ask yourself a different question. What evidence do
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I have that this feels right to me? Consensus can
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be useful. Advice can be valuable. But none of those
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things should replace your own ability to think. Because the
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strongest inner voice isn't the one that never listens to
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anyone else. It's the one that can hear everyone else's
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opinion without losing sight of its own. That takes me
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to the second thing I want to touch on. Have
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you ever sent a text, and then found yourself checking
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your phone every few minutes? I think we've all been there. Logically,
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you know they're probably busy. You know they might be driving, working,
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or simply haven't seen it yet. But as the minutes
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turn into hours, your mind starts filling in the blanks.
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Did I say something wrong? Are they upset with me?
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Did I misread the conversation? Suddenly, the silence starts to
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feel like a reflection of your worth instead of a
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reflection of their schedule. Here's another scenario. You walk out
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of a meeting and suddenly you're spending the rest of
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the day replaying one person's reaction to an idea you had.
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Nine people smiled, nodded, or thanked you for your contribution,
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but one person looked distracted or unconvinced. Somehow your brain
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completely ignores the encouragement and becomes fixated on the one
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person who didn't validate you. It's incredible how quickly our
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minds gravitate toward disapproval instead of acceptance. There's a reason
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for that, and it has very little to do with confidence.
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Neuroscientists have discovered that social rejection isn't something our brains
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treat lightly. Research led by psychologist Naomi Eisenberger found that
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many of the same brain regions activated by physical pain
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also become active when we experience social exclusions. In other
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words your brain doesn't simply interpret rejection as an unpleasant feeling.
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On a neurological level it interprets it as a threat.
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Thousands of years ago that response made perfect sense. Human
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beings survived in tribes. If you were rejected by your
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community your chances of finding food protection or shelter dropped dramatically.
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Belonging wasn't just emotionally important, it was essential to survival.
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Our brains evolved to protect that belonging at almost any cost.
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But here's what's fascinating. Your brain hasn't evolved nearly as
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quickly as your environment has. It still reacts to a
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delayed text or a critical comment or a lack of
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approval as though your place in the tribe might be
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at risk. What once protected us can now convince us
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to question ourselves every time someone disagrees with us. I
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think that's why it's so important to separate two words
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we often use interchangeably. Belonging and approval. Belonging is the
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feeling that you're worthy of love and connection simply because
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you exist. Approval is someone else's opinion about your choices,
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your ideas, or your behavior. They're not the same thing,
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but we often treat them as if they are. We
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begin believing that if someone doesn't approve our decision, they're
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rejecting us as a person. Think about a child dancing
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in the living room when their favorite song comes on.
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They don't wonder if they look cool. They aren't scanning
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the room to see if anyone else is dancing first.
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They hear music, they feel joy, and they move. Somewhere
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between childhood and adulthood, something changes. By the time we're teenagers...
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We look around before we dance. By the time we're adults,
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many of us say, I don't dance. When what we
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really mean is, I don't want to be judged. That's
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what constant evaluation does. It slowly teaches us to replace
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self-expression with self-consciousness. We stop asking what feels natural to
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me and start asking, how will this be perceived? Without
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realizing it, we begin performing our lives instead of participating
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in them. So the next time you find yourself craving
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someone's approval, I want you to pause before you chase it.
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Ask yourself a question. Am I looking for information or
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am I looking for reassurance? Information can make your decisions better.
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Reassurance might make you feel better for a moment. But
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if reassurance becomes the thing you depend on before every decision,
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you will slowly lose the ability to trust your own voice.
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And that takes us to the third thing I want
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to focus on. People don't actually always see you as
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you are. Sometimes they see you as you were. Here's
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what I mean. Imagine you go home for the holidays.
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You've spent the last year growing. Maybe you've become calmer,
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more patient, more confident. You've learned how to communicate differently.
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You've gone to therapy. Maybe you just changed your hairstyle.
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You've set healthier boundaries. You've lost some weight, put on
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some muscle. But within 24 hours of being back with
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your family, you're arguing with your siblings the same way
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you did when you were 16. It's almost like you've
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stepped back into an old version of yourself without meaning to.
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But what if this isn't a reflection on your growth
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and is instead a reflection of how other people around
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you are viewing and categorizing you? The truth is our
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brains create mental shortcuts to make sense of the people
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around us. Psychologists call this confirmation bias. It's one of
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the reasons first impressions are so powerful and one of
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the reasons genuine change can take so long for other
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people to recognize. They're not seeing today's version of you
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in isolation. They're filtering today's version through years of yesterday's memories.
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The interesting thing is that we all do this. we
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still think of someone as their shy one, even after
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they've become a confident leader. We still introduce our friend
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as the silly one, the messy one, or the responsible one,
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even though they've evolved in countless ways since we first
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met them. Labels make the world easier for our brains
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to organize, but they also make it harder for us
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to notice when someone has outgrown them. This is one
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of the reasons strangers sometimes believe in us before the
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people who've known us our entire lives. A stranger doesn't
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know about your abandoned projects, your awkward first attempts, or
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the version of you that existed 10 years ago. They
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simply experience the person standing in front of them today. Meanwhile,
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the people who love you most are unconsciously comparing today's
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version of you to every version they've ever known. Here's
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the paradox. The more energy we spend trying to convince
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people that we've changed, the less energy we spend actually changing.
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We find ourselves explaining, defending, and justifying our growth instead
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of simply living it. But real transformation has never been
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something you argue people into believing. It's something you demonstrate
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consistently enough that eventually your life becomes impossible to misunderstand.
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That doesn't mean your friends and family don't love you.
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In fact, it's often because they do. Their picture of
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you has been built over years, sometimes decades, and our
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brains don't redraw those pictures overnight. They're not necessarily resisting
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your future. They're simply trying to reconcile it with the
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version of you they've always known. One of the most
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freeing realizations you can have is that you don't need
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everyone to update their picture of you before you continue
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becoming who you're meant to be. Some people will always
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meet the version of you they remember. Others will eventually
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catch up. Your job isn't to manage everyone's perception of you.
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Your job is to become so rooted in who you're
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becoming that you no longer need other people to confirm it.
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Which leads to the next part of this conversation. In
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order to stop seeking external validation, you need to be
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sure that you're genuinely living in alignment with what you
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actually want. The question isn't, can I achieve this? It isn't,
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do other people think this is a good idea? The
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question is much simpler than that. Is this actually what
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I want? Because we could spend our lives chasing approval
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or we could chase something that genuinely fulfills us. Psychologists
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have long studied how our preferences are shaped by the
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approval of the people around us. We naturally evaluate ourselves
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by comparing ourselves to others. In fact, the mere exposure
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effect shows the more often we're exposed to something, the
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more familiar and more desirable it begins to feel. In
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other words, our brains are constantly absorbing ideas about what success, beauty, happiness,
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and achievements are supposed to look like, often without our
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conscious awareness. I think this is one of the hidden
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costs of constantly seeking validation. When we become dependent on
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other people's approval, we also become more vulnerable to other
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people's definitions of success. We don't just ask them whether
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we're doing a good job. We let them decide what
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the job should be. Little by little, our lives begin
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to reflect the expectations around us instead of the values
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within us. That's why I think one of the most
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courageous things you can do is periodically audit your own desires.
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Ask yourself, if no one could see this decision, would
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I still want it? If there were no photos to post,
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no one to impress, no timeline to keep up with,
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and no expectations to meet, would this still be the
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life you're trying to build? Those questions don't always have
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easy answers, but they do have incredibly honest ones. Before
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you ask the world to validate your dream, make sure
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it's actually your dream. because there's something even more exhausting
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than chasing approval. It's spending years earning approval for a
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life you never truly wanted in the first place. This
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episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk
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a lot about intentional decision making, and that extends to
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the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually
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works for your life. State Farm is there to meet
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you where you are, and they know how sweet it
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is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a
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State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose
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to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like
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a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based
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on rating plans that vary by state, coverage options are
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selected by the customer, availability, amount of discounts and savings,
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and eligibility vary by state. That takes me to the
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last thing I want to hit on. If you never
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want to seek external validation again, you need to become
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someone that you can trust. Once you've stopped outsourcing your
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definition of success, the question becomes, what do you replace
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it with? Most people would answer confidence, but I don't
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think that's the right answer. I think confidence is wonderful,
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but it's also inconsistent. Some mornings you wake up feeling unstoppable.
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Other mornings comparison can have you questioning everything. That's very human.
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If your life depends on feeling confident every day, you're
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going to spend a lot of time waiting for feelings
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to shift. I think what we're really looking for is
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something much more stable. We're looking for self-trust. Confidence says,
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I think I can do this. Self-trust says, even if
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I can't today, I know I'll figure it out. That's
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a completely different foundation. One depends on predicting the future.
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The other depends on believing in the person you'll be
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no matter what the future brings. Psychologist Albert Bandura called
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this self-efficacy, your belief in your ability to handle challenges
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and influence outcomes. What's fascinating is that decades of research
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show self-efficacy isn't built by positive thinking. It grows through
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what Bandura called mastery experiences. Every time you do something difficult,
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every time you keep a promise to yourself, every time
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you recover from a setback, your brain quietly gathers another
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piece of evidence that says, I've handled hard things before.
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I can handle this too. Think about learning to ride
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a bike as a child. You wobbled, you fell, maybe
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you scraped your knee. But each attempt taught your brain
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something new. Eventually, you stopped wondering whether you could ride
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the bike because your body had accumulated enough evidence to
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stop asking the question. That's how self-trust works. It isn't
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built in a single breakthrough moment. It's built through hundreds
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of ordinary moments of following through. This is why I
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think we sometimes misunderstand what confidence actually is. We imagine
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it's created by compliments, achievements, or people telling us we're talented.
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Those things can certainly feel good, but they fade surprisingly quickly.
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Someone compliments your work today, and tomorrow, you're hoping they'll
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compliment it again. Your post gets thousands of likes this week,
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and next week, you wonder why it didn't happen again.
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External validation has a remarkably short shelf life. I like
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to think of it this way. Validation is rented, but
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self-respect is owned. Every compliment, every award, every promotion, every
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round of applause is temporary. None of those things become
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a permanent part of your identity unless you already learn
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to believe them yourself. Self-respect is different because no one
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can give it to you, which also means no one
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can take it away. It's built every time you choose
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integrity over convenience. discipline over excuses, and honesty over performance.
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There's another idea in psychology that I love called an
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internal locus of control. It's the belief that while you
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can't control everything that happens to you, you can influence
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how you respond. People with a stronger internal locus of
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control tend to be more resilient, recover more quickly from setbacks,
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and experience greater well-being because they don't hand the steering
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wheel of their lives to other people's opinions. Feedback becomes
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something they consider, but not something they obey. So maybe
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the goal isn't to stop listening to external viewpoints altogether.
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Wisdom often comes from mentors, loved ones, and people who
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challenge our thinking. But there's a profound difference between seeking
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perspective and surrendering your agency. One expands your thinking, the
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other replaces it. Learning to recognize that difference may be
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one of the most important skills you'll ever develop. The
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next time you're waiting for someone to tell you you're ready,
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remember this. There will always be someone who doesn't understand
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your decision, someone who would have chosen differently, or someone
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who thinks you should wait a little longer. If you
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spend your life collecting unanimous approval, you'll never collect enough
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evidence to trust yourself. Because at the end of the day,
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confidence will come and go. Some days you'll feel unstoppable
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and other days you'll question everything. But self-trust is different.
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Self-trust says, even if I'm afraid, I'll still show up.
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Even if I fail, I'll learn. Even if no one applauds,
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I'll keep going. And I think that's a much stronger
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foundation to build a life on. Not becoming someone everyone
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believes in, but becoming someone you never stop believing in.
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If there's one thing I hope you take away from
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today's episode, it's this. Your life will change the moment
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you stop treating other people's approval as a prerequisite for
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your own decisions. The 7-Day Challenge is brought to you
369
00:22:58.970 --> 00:23:03.170
by Ultra Running. Creating space can change everything. Space to
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00:23:03.190 --> 00:23:06.230
think more clearly, move with intention, and focus on what
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00:23:06.269 --> 00:23:10.410
truly matters. Ultra running shoes are designed with the ultra fit,
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00:23:10.819 --> 00:23:14.440
giving your feet the room they need to move naturally, comfortably,
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00:23:14.759 --> 00:23:19.059
and with strength over time. Now, here's this week's seven-day challenge.
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Here's your challenge this week. For the next seven days,
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I want you to stop looking outside of yourself for
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validation and start building trust in your own voice. And
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each day, I'm giving you one simple thing to do.
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Day one, make one decision without asking anyone else what
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they think. It can be as small as where you
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eat or what you wear. Day two, share an idea
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or opinion you would normally keep to yourself because you're
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worried about how it will be received. Day three, take
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a 20-minute walk outside without your phone. Give yourself space
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to think and ask yourself, what do I actually want
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right now? Day four, do something you genuinely enjoy without
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posting it, photographing it, or telling anyone about it. Let
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the experience be enough. Day five, say no to one
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thing you don't actually want to do and don't over-explain yourself.
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Day six, do one thing you've been putting off because
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you've been waiting for someone else's encouragement or permission. And
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day seven, make one promise to yourself and keep it.
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Go for the run, take the walk, start the project,
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make the decision. Whatever it is, follow through. At the
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end of the seven days, ask yourself, did I trust
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my own voice more this week? Because self-trust isn't something
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you suddenly find. You build it every time you listen
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to yourself, every time you follow through, and every time
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you create the space to hear your own voice before
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everyone else's. That's your seven-day challenge. The seven-day challenge was
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00:24:48.900 --> 00:24:53.119
brought to you by Ultra Running. Ultra Fit Design gives
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00:24:53.160 --> 00:24:57.430
your feet the room they need to move naturally for comfort, balance,
402
00:24:57.549 --> 00:25:00.309
and real strength so you can spend less time standing
403
00:25:00.390 --> 00:25:04.509
still and more time getting outside. Whether you're running, walking, hiking,
404
00:25:04.569 --> 00:25:08.210
or simply exploring, Ultra is designed to move with you.
405
00:25:08.769 --> 00:25:12.930
Visit ultrarunning.com forward slash on purpose and use the code
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00:25:13.009 --> 00:25:17.940
PURPOSE10 for 10% off. Stay out there. Validation feels good.
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00:25:18.420 --> 00:25:21.930
We all enjoy being encouraged, supported, and celebrated. There's nothing
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wrong with wanting those things. The problem is when we
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begin believing we need them before we're willing to move forward.
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Because here's what I've realized. There is no point in
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your life where everyone is going to agree with you.
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Someone will think you started too early. Someone else will
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think you waited too long. Someone will tell you the
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risk isn't worth it. Someone else will wonder why you
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didn't take an even bigger one. If you spend your
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life trying to satisfy every opinion, you'll eventually lose touch
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with the only one you have to live with, your own.
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I want you to think about the version of yourself
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before the world started grading everything. before likes and followers,
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before performance reviews and comparison, before you learned that almost
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every decision could be measured, ranked or judged. Think about
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yourself as a child. You probably laughed because something was funny,
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not because everyone else was laughing. You probably danced because
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music was playing, not because you were wondering how you looked.
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You probably asked questions because you were curious, not because
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you were worried about sounding smart. Somewhere along the way,
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many of us stopped participating in our lives and started
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observing them. We became audiences for our own lives instead
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of participants in them. Instead of making decisions from our values,
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we started making them from other people's expectations. We became
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so focused on being accepted that we slowly stopped expressing ourselves.
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I'm not saying you should never care again about what
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other people think. But I'm saying that if you learn
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to care more about what you truly think, you'll save
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yourself a lot of pointless, exhausting validation chasing. Let external
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views inform your thinking, but never let them replace it.
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Because the people who leave the biggest mark on the
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world rarely begin with consensus. They begin with conviction. Long
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before anyone else believes in them, they decide they're willing
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to take one more step, make one more attempt, or
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create one more imperfect draft. They don't wait until the
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crowd catches up. They trust themselves long enough for everyone
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else to eventually do the same. So this week, I
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want you to notice the smallest moments. Notice how often
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you're about to ask someone else what you should do.
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Notice how often you're looking for reassurance before making a
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decision you already know the answer to. And before you
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reach for your phone or ask for the group chat,
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pause for just a moment and ask yourself one simple question.
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What do I think? At first the answer might feel unfamiliar.
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That's okay. You've spent years training yourself to hear everyone
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else's voice first. It takes time to strengthen your own.
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But every time you listen to it, every time you
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trust it, every time you keep a promise to yourself,
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that voice gets a little clearer and a little stronger.
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You don't need to become someone everyone believes in. You
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need to become someone you believe in. And when you
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can do that, you'll discover something that no amount of applause, praise,
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likes or approval can ever give you. You'll discover the
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freedom of knowing your life is no longer being directed
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by the crowd, but by your own values, your own
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choices and your own inner voice. And I think that's
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the greatest confidence any of us can experience. Remember, I'm
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always rooting for you. I'm forever in your corner.
