The Simple 4-Part Framework That Makes Hard Conversations Easier

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Hey friends, I'm so glad you're here today.
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Welcome to How to Be a Grown Up.
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This is the show for moms who are either racing to the comments like I am or avoiding, avoiding all comments like hand foot mouth right now.
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I'm Caitlin, and last week I shared nonviolent civic engagement strategies.
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So if you missed that one, stop this episode.
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Go back to the one right before this.
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In that one, I talked about nonviolence as how we show up in public.
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This episode is about nonviolence at home and specifically how we talk about politics, family drama, and the world with our kids in the home, online, in public.
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But before I do that, are you following me on Threads?
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Threads is the place to be.
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If you're not there, find me.
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You can just connect your Instagram account, find me at CKNGK Podcast.
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And if you connect your Instagram account should, and you're already following me on Instagram, you should be able to just hop right over and see my account.
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So all kinds of shenanigans there.
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Join the community.
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It's really fun.
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Let's get into it.
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Okay, so my sources for today are the Center for Nonviolent Communication.
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I've got that linked in the show notes and a couple of other resources that we've used in the past, including the Introduction to Practicing Nonviolence with Children, that resource for families from the Peace Resource Center of San Diego and a PDF called The Heart of Parenting, Nonviolent Communication in Action.
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Again, all linked in the show notes.
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So let me start by defining or explaining what nonviolent communication, or you'll hear me say NVC, actually is.
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It's a way of listening that has four parts: a description of what's happening without name calling, it shares how you feel, it names what you need.
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And then it makes a concrete request instead of some sort of vague complaint.
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When I first learned about this topic, my mind immediately jumped to that like gentle parenting concept.
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And I had to kind of take a step back and go, like, this isn't for me.
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I'm not a gentle parent.
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It doesn't really work.
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So then I had to just kind of reread it and see what was actually going on here.
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So this is not gentle parenting.
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This is not just for talking with kids.
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It's a general rule for how you communicate with everyone during a disagreement.
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So it's not about being calm and perfect all the time, but it is about repairing faster and doing less damage when things get heated.
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So think, you know, fewer you're the worst moments, and more here's what just happened and here's how I feel.
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Here's what I wish was different.
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Which is good because I try gentle parenting and I learned that I'm more of a fa faux parent anyway.
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So let's let's put that idea aside.
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The classic NVC structure has those four components.
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They're named observation, as in what happened, not your judgment, feeling, your emotion, not I feel like you're a jerk, a need or value, as in what matters to you underneath, and a request, which is a specific doable ask.
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And I don't know about you, but I do better when I see an example of application.
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So here's what that might look like for you at home.
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And this scenario may or may not be based on my actual life.
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So take that with a grain of salt.
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Let's say your kid got out a bunch of toys to play with and they left everything out on the living room floor, on the couch, in the couch, and on the coffee table when they switched activities.
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Let's just say that happened.
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Not calling out anyone specifically, but let's just say.
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The judgment version of this call out by me or you might be saying out loud, oh my God, you never clean up after yourself.
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You can hear that.
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That's full of judgment.
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It's very accusatory, probably not true.
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Let's rewind it and try it again.
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If I use the NVC, nonviolent communication version of this call out, you'll hear those four parts.
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See if you can and see if you can find them in what I'm saying.
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Again, they're observation, feeling, need or value, and request.
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So here we go.
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When I see toys all over the floor, couch, coffee table, I feel overwhelmed because I need our space to feel manageable.
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Would you like to put your toys away now or in 15 minutes?
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Notice two things with what I just said.
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One, those four lines, those four things, components, none of them are accusatory.
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I'm just saying how I feel.
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There's nothing to argue about in there.
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I'm not inviting an argument.
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Okay.
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And two, I'm still being a parent.
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My request at the end of that was not, will you please, or would you be willing to, you know, whatever.
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It was a request that upheld my boundary because I need our space to feel manageable.
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I'm the parent.
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This is not an if you're going to put your toys away question.
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This is a when are you going to put your toys away.
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So I'm upholding my boundary while still being respectful and not accusatory.
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Let me just also say to be clear, no one is going to sound like this 24-7.
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But even grabbing one piece of it, like just naming your feeling instead of going straight to the you always or you never statement can really change the vibe of what's going on.
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So here's another example.
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We're still at home, but it's more of a political example.
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Okay.
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The scenario is your relative says something about at dinner about quote unquote those people.
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And you strongly disagree with that.
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The knee-jerk, aka the Caitlin reaction, maybe it's yours too, is to say, wow, that's a disgusting comment.
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You're awful.
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Maybe I wouldn't say you're awful, but I definitely would can hear myself saying, wow, that's disgusting.
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And it might be true, right?
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It sounds like a disgusting comment.
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Maybe that person really is awful, but maybe you didn't choose violence that day and you just you don't even want to go there.
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Okay.
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So the nonviolent communication version of the confrontation, again, you're going to listen for those four parts, might sound like when I hear comments about those people, I feel really upset because it's important to me that everyone be treated with dignity and respect.
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Can we talk about this with respectful language or change the topic?
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I'm still holding the line.
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I'm still enforcing the boundary.
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When you use that language, you're not letting anything slide.
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You're being clear and firm without dehumanizing.
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And that's what NVC, nonviolent communication, is about.
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And also, let me be clear: if you don't feel like you can fall back on NVC in a situation like this, a nice, well-timed, can you help me understand what you mean by that will also do the trick in that situation.
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The thing I like about nonviolent communication is that it supports all of the news and protest and disagreement conversations you're already having with your kids, especially if you've been listening to these episodes that I've been doing.
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Again, going back well into January about practical resistance for parents.
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Here's what I mean.
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You can use this NBC method for all kinds of scenarios.
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Let me give you a few.
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Here's one, scary news.
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Okay.
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Your kid has seen a scary news clip, maybe it's about protesting, and they're anxious.
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Old pattern of dealing with this might be to say, it's fine, don't worry about it.
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You might even throw in it, you're safe, but you're just throwing it in there.
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Or an or a lovely, stop being so dramatic.
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None of those are validating, none of those are gonna actually help your child feel any better.
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So a more NVC-informed approach might sound like I noticed you got really quiet after that video about the protest, and you look worried.
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Are you feeling scared and confused or confused?
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Or maybe I feel concerned that the news is stressing you out.
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I want you to feel safe and to know that I'll always be honest with you in a way that's not overwhelming.
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Can we talk about what you saw and what questions you have, and then decide together how much more you want to know?
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Again, validation and then an actual like next step.
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Maybe another scenario, maybe your teenager says something that you see as misinformed or just parroting the things that they are hearing from places.
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The old you, the old pattern might be to say, oh my gosh, that's ridiculous.
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Or my favorite, where are you getting this garbage from?
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Because let's be clear, there's a very good chance it is garbage.
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The NVC-informed approach might be, I'm hearing you say, and you repeat their point in neutral works.
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And I'm feeling worried because I really need us to base our opinions on good information, especially about things that affect people's lives.
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Would you be willing to share that resource with me and then look at one or two other sources?
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Then we can talk about what you think.
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Your message with a teenager in particular needs to be: I respect that you have your own opinions.
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I just want to make sure that we both have solid info while we're forming them.
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So you're validating what they said, you're echoing it back, and then you're saying, let's let's enforce this boundary here of having good information.
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You can also use this with adults in your life, right?
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Let's say you are in a heated discussion with a family member.
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I in my show notes, it says Uncle Rico, because Napoleon Dynamite, and if you know, you know.
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Uncle Rico is the kind of guy who has one of those Facebook feeds that is, well, I'll just he has one of those Facebook feeds.
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So you're in that heated discussion, your kids are there, it's time to pull out your NVC.
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We've been going back and forth for a while, and our voices are getting louder.
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I'm feeling really tense and upset.
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My nervous system is at capacity, and this is not me saying I don't care.
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I'm purely saying my nervous system is at capacity right now.
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I need our relationship to feel safe, even when we disagree.
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Can we pause this conversation for now and come back to it later or talk about something else while the kids are here?
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You're explaining how you feel.
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You're not accusing them of anything because Uncle Rico is gonna talk back.
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Uncle Rico's gonna fight back on that.
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But you're telling them, my nervous system is shot.
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I have to stop.
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And you're giving them an out that's dignified.
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You're just saying, we're gonna talk about something else.
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And even if that means awkward silence until something else happens, that's okay.
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You're not gonna fill that silence.
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You're just gonna let them sit in that because you're holding your boundary.
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Maybe it's too late.
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You and Uncle Rico got into it and you regret something you said.
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So you can also come back to Uncle Rico later and say, you know, yesterday I called you choice insult during our argument about something they found in their Facebook feed.
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I feel embarrassed and regretful about that.
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And I want to stand up for what I believe in without attacking you as a person.
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You're my uncle.
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I care about you.
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Can we try again on this topic another time?
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And if I start slipping into name calling, I'll take a break.
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Or can we move on if you don't want to try again?
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Here's the thing about this particular one, and I'm gonna say this the obvious right now.
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You might not regret what you said, and that you know what?
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I'm I'm down.
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I'm here for it, I'm cool with that.
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But if you do, remember that you don't have to nail the conversation in real time in order to model that nonviolent communication.
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You can model it in how you repair the relationship.
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Let's say we're just holding a firm boundary.
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Here's a different scenario.
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When conversations at family gatherings move into jokes or comments about a group of people, whichever one happens to come up at your dinner table.
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I don't know.
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I feel really upset and protective because I need my kids to see that we treat people with respect.
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If that's where the conversation is going, I'm gonna take the kids and step away.
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I'd love to keep hanging out if we can discuss topics that don't cross a line.
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Nonviolent communication does not mean that you stay in every conversation.
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Instead, it actually helps you leave clearly and respectfully.
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Okay, you said, if that's where this is going, I'm going to leave.
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So you hopefully prevented that conversation from going any further because they would rather you stay than leave.
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And if they do continue it, you're not doing you're not surprising them by leaving.
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You're just saying, okay, we're gonna go bye and you're gonna leave, right?
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Now, again, in this situation, if nonviolent communication isn't your jam, I heard this on a podcast, and this is my new favorite.
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You're gonna play dumb.
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Okay.
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Wait, I don't get it.
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Why is that funny?
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Make them explain the joke.
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Because they'll be like, well, you know, like those people, like they they always do XYZ, and you're like, wait, what?
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Do they is that really that really like I don't I still don't get it.
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Why is that funny though?
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Let them sit in that discomfort.
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That's another way of holding that boundary.
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But that's only if nonviolent communication is not your jam.
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I think that that honestly does quite a bit.
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Now, I've got a few experiments for you to try, and they're all, of course, nonviolent communication related.
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Let's start with the first one, which is one feeling word a day, once a day.
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Just try saying out loud, I feel whatever the emotion is, instead of jumping straight to, oh my gosh, you're so I feel frustrated, not you're so lazy, or you're such a donkey, whatever it is.
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Okay.
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One nonviolent communication style text or email.
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So when you're tempted to write that salty text, maybe instead you try when the thing happened, I felt this type of way because I need this.
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Next time could we this, right?
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Fill in those blanks.
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Or one NVC moment in a hard conversation.
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Okay.
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Even just inserting the feeling and the need.
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I'm not yelling because I hate you, I'm yelling because I feel unheard and I'm scared and exhausted, and I need support.
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Hear how different that sounds, other than like, I'm just yelling at you, right?
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Here's why I'm yelling.
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I feel like moms can definitely relate to the here's why I'm yelling thing.
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Maybe.
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No, 100%.
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Okay.
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You don't have to become a walking self-help book.
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That's not what I'm advocating for here.
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And I'll be the first to tell you that I have a quick temper and I'm more often on the oops, I said that, you know, foot in mouth situation than I am on the proactive side.
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So I just want to make sure you understand if that if you swap just one you always or you never for I feel because I need sort of statement, you're already doing this.
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You're already practicing NBC nonviolent communication, and you just need to identify it and then use it again.
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And next time you're talking about the news or school board nonsense or that one relative's Facebook feed, nonviolent communication gives you a way to be honest without becoming or turning into the very energy that you are concerned about, right?
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So give those a try.
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Next time, Ariel is going to be here to talk more about media literacy.
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So that situation with the teenager that I painted, we're gonna get into that a little bit more next time.
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Can't wait for that.
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That is gonna be a can't miss.
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Subscribe now so you don't miss it.
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Make good choices.
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Love you, mean it.
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Bye.