Courtesy Isn’t Weakness, It’s Evidence of Character

Gary: When was the last time that you made someone feel valued? Not because you wanted something from them, not because they had earned it, but simply because you chose to treat them with courtesy. Good morning, good afternoon, or good evening. And wherever you are tuning in from, welcome back to the North Band Coaching Podcast. I'm your host, Gary Holtz. Today we are talking about a value that may sound old-fashioned, but is probably needed now more than ever. And that value is courtesy. Courtesy is often reduced to simple manners saying please and thank you, holding the door for someone, or letting another driver into traffic, or waiting your turn to speak. And those things do matter, but courtesy Courtesy goes much deeper than knowing which fork to use or remembering to send a thank you note. Courtesy is how we communicate to another person. I recognize that you matter. It is respect expressed through our behavior. Courtesy is patience when you could be impatient. It is consideration when it would be easier to think only about yourself. It is choosing to speak to people with dignity, even when you are frustrated, tired, or having a bad day. Anyone can be courteous when life is going well. The real test is whether you can remain courteous when you are inconvenienced. Can you still treat the cashier with respect, even when the line is moving slowly? Can you still speak calmly when the customer service representative cannot immediately solve your problem? Can you listen without interrupting when someone is talking longer than you would like to explain themselves? Can you disagree with someone without insulting them? Can you hear the word no without becoming disrespectful? That is where courtesy becomes more than manners. It becomes character. Courtesy is not weakness. It doesn't mean becoming passive or allowing people to mistreat you or pretending that bad behavior is acceptable. You can be courteous and still be fucking direct. You can be respectful and still set a fucking boundary. You can say no without humiliating someone. You can end a conversation without attacking the other person. You can hold someone accountable without stripping them of their dignity. In fact, I believe it takes more than strength to remain composed and courteous during a difficult conversation than it does to lose control and say whatever comes to your mind. Anybody can react. A disciplined man chooses his response. Some people take pride in being blunt. They say, I tell it like it is, or I don't care who I offend. But being careless with your words is not the same as being honest. Honesty tells the truth. Courtesy considers how the truth is being delivered. The truth may still be uncomfortable. It may still disappoint someone. It may even upset them. But the purpose should be clarity, correction or protection, not humiliation. There is a difference between saying I disagree with you and here is why. And saying, this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. There's a difference between saying, I'm not able to help you with that, and making someone feel ashamed for asking. There is a difference between establishing a boundary and intentionally punishing someone. The message might be similar, but the character behind the delivery is completely different. Courtesy also reveals how we view people who cannot do anything for us. It is easy to be respectful toward your boss, an important client, or someone that you want to impress. But how do you treat the server at the restaurant? How do you speak to the person cleaning the building? How do you respond to someone who makes a mistake with your order? How do you treat people when there's no advantage in being kind? That tells me much more about a person's character. If you only show respect to the people who have power, that isn't courtesy. That is strategy. Real courtesy doesn't change based on someone's job title, income, appearance, education, or social status. It requires or it recognizes the humanity in the person standing in front of you. I see this in everyday life while working as a letter carrier. Most people Probably don't think much about the person delivering their mail, but a simple wave, a thank you, or a brief conversation can completely change the tone of someone's day. The same is true when I'm coaching. A man may need to be challenged. He may need to hear something uncomfortable about his choices, his relationships, or or the way that he is showing up. Courtesy does not mean avoiding that conversation. It means remembering that the man being challenged is still worthy of respect. I don't have to agree with every decision that he has made. I don't even have to protect him from every consequence, but I can speak the truth without treating him like he is beneath me. Before we continue, I want to take a moment to tell you about my friend Joel Rosario and his book May December End, The Ballad of Joey Flowers. This book came out last year in 2025. And his book tells us a deep deep personal story of a relationship that began when he was only 15 years old. And the woman involved was almost 30 years old. This isn't a romanticized age-gap story. It's an honest account of abuse, grooming, manipulation, and the effects it had on his life. It takes courage to revisit a painful part of your past. Even more courage to put that story into the world so someone else might recognize what happened to them and understand that they are not alone. So check out his book, May December End, The Battle of Joey Flowers. you can get it on Amazon, Amazon Kindle, Nook Studio Moonfall and bookstore called Studio Moonfalls in Kenosha, Wisconsin. Joel and his wife Glow also host a podcast called Sessions and Lessons, and they have honest conversation about life. relationships, personal growth, and the lessons that we learn through the things that we experience. They drop new episodes every single Sunday and Wednesday on all podcast platforms. And when you're done with that, Glow has her own solo podcast called Glowing Off Script, where she shares her perspective and speaks openly about the experiences and conversations that shape our lives. She drops all new episodes every single Friday also on all podcast platforms. So please take time check out Joel's book. And both of these podcasts. Supporting people who are willing to tell honest stories help those stories reach someone who may need to hear them. Now, getting back to courtesy. This value is especially important for men. Because many of us were taught to confuse respect with rank. We believe respect is something other people must prove that they deserve from us. We walk into conversations demanding respect. While giving very little of it away. But courtesy is not surrounding your position, it is demonstrating your control over yourself. A courteous man does not need to dominate every room. He doesn't need to speak over everyone else, embarrass people, or make himself appear more important. His strength is visible in the way that he carries himself and the way that people feel his presence. That doesn't mean that everyone will like him. It doesn't mean that everyone will agree with him. It means that even when he stands firm, people can see that he is acting with maturity and self-respect. Courtesy also close is closely connected to the value of awareness. You cannot be considerate if you are not complete if you can't be considerate if you are completely unaware of the people around you. Are you looking at your phone while someone is trying to speak to you? Are you always late because you assume that everyone else's time is less valuable than yours? Do you leave a mess because you expect that someone else will clean it? Do you interrupt people? Because you believe that your thought is more important than theirs. Do you make jokes at someone else's expense and then accuse them of being too sensitive when they don't laugh? Sometimes discourtesy isn't intentionally cruel. Sometimes it is the result of being so focused on ourselves that we forget anyone else is in the room. Courtesy asks us to pay attention. It asks us to consider the effect of our behavior that it has on other people. And nowhere is it more important than in our closest relationships. We often give strangers better manners than we give the people we claim to love. We thank the person who holds the door at the coffee shop, but fail to thank our partner for everything they do at home. We speak patiently to a customer, then come home and snap at our children. We apologize when we accidentally bump into a stranger, but we refuse to apologize when our words hurt someone in our family. Familiarity should not become permission to be careless. The people closest to us should not receive whatever patience and kindness we have left over after everyone else gets our best. Courtesy at home means acknowledging effort. It means putting the phone down and listening. It means speaking with respect during disagreements. It means not using someone else's insecurities against them simply because we know where their weaknesses are. It means remembering to say please, thank you. And I'm sorry, even when you believe that those things should already be understood. Courtesy can also be one of the first things lost after a relationship ends. Divorce and separation can create anger, disappointment, and resentment. Sometimes there are legitimate reasons not to trust the other person. Boundaries may be necessary, and communication may be very limited. But especially when children are involved, courtesy still matters. You do not have to pretend the relationship was healthy. You do not have to excuse the betrayal or tolerate continued mistreatment. But you can communicate clearly without using every interaction as another opportunity to fight. Your children are watching how you handle disappointment. They are learning how adults treat one another when love changes. Trust is broken, and life does not go according to plan. They may forget the specific disagreement, but they will remember the environment that you created around it. Courtesy is not about earning praise for being the bigger person. It is about deciding what kind of man you are going to be, regardless, regardless of the behavior of someone else. That is an important distinction. Because courtesy is not people-pleasing. I repeat, not people-pleasing. People-pleasing abandons your values to avoid disappointing someone. Courtesy communicates your values without unnecessarily disrespecting them. People pleasing says yes when you really mean no. Courtesy says, I appreciate you for asking, but I'm not able to do that. People pleasing tolerates repeated mistreatment because it is afraid of conflict. Courtesy establishes the boundary calmly and clearly. People pleasing needs everyone to approve of the decision. Courtesy accepts that someone or some may not like the decision while refusing to become cruel or defensive. You are not responsible for making everybody fucking happy. You are responsible for the way that you conduct yourself. Courtesy is also contagious. One person choosing patience can change the direction of an entire conversation. One sincere thank you can make someone feel seen. One respectful response can prevent an ordinary disagreement from becoming a lasting conflict. You may not be able to control the attitude that someone brings to you, but you can decide what you add to the interaction. Do you add tension or peace? Do you add embarrassment or dignity? Do you add hostility or understanding? Do you make people feel invisible or do you acknowledge them? Small acts of courtesy may not make headlines, but they shape the culture of our homes, workplaces, communities, and relationships. So, here is the challenge I want to leave you with today. Pay attention to the people you normally overlook. Look people in the eye. Say thank you and fucking mean it. Allow someone else to finish speaking before preparing your response. Be on time. And this one, I definitely struggle with that, but whatever. Acknowledge the effort that people make. Return the shopping cart. Always return the shopping cart. Let someone into traffic. Apologize when you are wrong. And when you need to have a difficult conversation, tell the fucking truth. Without trying to destroy the person that is receiving it. Courtesy costs very little, but its absence can cost us relationships, trust, opportunities, and respect. At the beginning of this episode, I asked, When was the last time that you made someone feel valued simply because you chose to treat them with courtesy? Maybe the more important question is this: when people interact with you. Do they walk away feeling respected? Or do they walk away feeling like they were simply in our way? Courtesy is not merely something that a man does, it is evidence of the man he is becoming. Stand firm, walk humbly, treat people with dignity. Thank you for listening to today's episode. And if this episode gave you something to think about, then please subscribe and share it with another man or anybody that you know. Or anybody that may need even hear it, leave a review. And if you are rebuilding your life, if you are looking for accountability or ready to become more intentional about the man that you are becoming, then visit northmancoaching.com. There you will be able to learn more about joining the Brotherhood. And we are a community of men working together through accountability, responsibility, and honest conversation. If you need more individualized support, you can also learn about the one-on-one coaching that I offer. Sometimes you don't need another quote or another video. You need an honest conversation, a clear direction, and somebody willing to hold you accountable while you do the work. And remember to check out Joel Rosario's book, May December End, The Ballad of Joey Flowers. Check out Joel and Glow's Podcast Sessions and Lessons. And Glow's Podcast, Glowing Off Script. Until next time, remember, guys, strength may get someone's attention. But courtesy earns their respect. Alright, guys, have a good one, and I will see you next time.