Addiction Behind the Wall Street Lifestyle | Judy Wilson

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It was the world I lived in, one of the parties, it was literally platters of cocaine.
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Had no idea I was going to treatment.
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John, I never tried to stop drinking.
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Never thought drinking was a problem.
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Literally, everything opened up.
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My mind opened up.
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I became teachable.
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It was honestly like God came and just went opened Judy's mind.
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I love you, Judy, even though you fucked up.
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There's nothing wrong with being an alcoholic.
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So what?
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So I have alcoholism.
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Big deal.
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Now what?
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Welcome, welcome, welcome everyone to this episode of Never Alone Never Again.
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I'm Johnny, and as always, joined by Krista the sober Barbie.
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And today we have our good friend Judy Wilson.
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Judy Wilson, who's been sober 37 years, 37 years, and you have had a crazy life and crazy story.
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You worked in the in the recovery industry for the last uh eight or nine years.
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And and Judy, how are you?
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How have you been?
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It's been too long.
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It has been too long.
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Seeing you guys makes my day.
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I absolutely adore you.
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Um, and I'm doing great today.
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It's a today thing, you know.
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This is today, and it's been a few good days, so I'm gonna stick on this plateau and continue to enjoy that.
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Because one day at a time one day at a time.
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We have a daily reprieve contingent on our spiritual maintenance.
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That's what my book tells me.
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Um but let's uh let's get into this, Judy.
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So when did you how you know, tell us the beginning?
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When did you start your drinking career and uh all that stuff?
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Okay, my poor parents, four kids, three and a half years, move us from Weirton, West Virginia to 10 miles outside of San Francisco, okay.
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At the time I was young, young, okay, but was there by the seventh grade.
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I was a good student all the way up until the seventh grade.
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Um, we were introduced to drugs in the seventh grade.
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It was quite lovely.
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It was the end of the hate Ashbury era.
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So drugs were rampant.
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It was flower power, and we're the first women who took our bras off for you know freedom, you know, that kind of thing.
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And there was all kinds of stuff going on.
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It was the end of the Haight Ashbury era.
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And for those of you that read history books, that means that that's whenever people were living in the streets for the first time, really, and by choice more than anything.
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It was uh being free, rolling up your um your sleeping bags in San Francisco, that kind of a thing.
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People living outdoors love barefoot, you know, um you know, flower children.
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That's what we were.
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And we liked to experiment.
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So so I mean you you say flower children.
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Is that mean, Judy, were you a hippie?
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I kind of.
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Kind of, you know, a little little bit classy, little seventh grade hippie, as much as I could be, because I was just learning.
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You know, I was still going to church.
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So on Sundays, my sister and I would um take the dollar that our parents gave us for church things, run out of there, and go steal some stuff and put earrings on our mouths at the stores.
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I mean, these were the things we did, you know.
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Um, we were actually really good kids, came from a really good family.
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We were the only uh family where the parents were still together.
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Everybody else got to live with other family members, including grandparents, and they had a lot of money and a lot of freedom.
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We had rules and things like that, and we actually had a very good childhood, if you want to know the truth.
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Um, my father took, you know, did the provider protecting and supported my mom.
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My mom took care of the kids and always had that threat of, you know, if you don't listen to me the first time, you know, dad when he comes home.
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Dad never was ever had to do anything.
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You know, we didn't even know what that looked like.
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The one time that I had to be disciplined by him, he just faked it and told me to yell, you know.
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So he was like, just pretend.
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And so, anyways, that we had a really good childhood.
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We had good parents, they were in the home, they were in our lives, they you know, all of those things.
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My sister was 13 months older, and then I had a brother right behind me who's in heaven now, and my baby brother who went to heaven about two years ago.
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So um, there was four of us, and they they they had no clue about drugs, alcohol, any of those things at all.
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So they were completely unaware.
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So by the time in high school and things like that, well, actually in seventh grade, things got hairy.
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I would we would do things like tie the babysitter up when they went out of town and wouldn't let them down our aisle or running around to the back of the house to get the booze, which we didn't even drink.
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We were just little antics, right?
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And we would bring them around to the front of the house through the window, and the neighbors would be watching, but it was just to put him in the drawers in my bedroom, you know.
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So we were little terrorists, okay?
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But we were also really good kids.
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I mean, you know, it was dabbling here and there.
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Um, my uh what do you call it?
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My violin teacher was named uh Mrs.
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She was tripped, so we called her Trippy the Hippie.
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Um, cutting class was something that we would do, stealing keys was something we would do.
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I was 12 years old.
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I was standing on the street corner lighting a cigarette, and then I hear honk, honk, honk, and I got the cigarette in my mouth, and I turn and there's my dad with his parents.
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I was like, shit.
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But anyway, I have some similar stories to you.
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I never tied the babysitter up, but I have a lot of very similar stories.
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Really?
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I've so right, aren't we?
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Little wild people.
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No, our kids now can't get away with these things because we are we know about it all.
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So poor things.
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They got away.
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We ruined it for them.
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Yeah, until these gas station things came into play.
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We lose those kids at 13 now.
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It's killing me.
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But anyway, so we dabbled and we got a little bit out of hand.
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Parents went, okay, enough of California.
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Let's move them back to Weerton, West Virginia, which is a small little steel town right outside of Pittsburgh.
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And that's what they did, and I wasn't happy about it at all.
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So from there, went to high school there, was a good student, had a couple of friends, did all the right things in terms of what you're supposed to.
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Um, but then every now and then somebody would have like orange mescaline or something, acid, you know, or something, and we would just take it and go to school, you know, during the school hours.
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Um, when it came time in my high school to do the oh by the time I was sixteen, because you want some of the fun stories, okay.
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When I was sixteen, I got my license.
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The first six months I had six accidents, one of them with six counts I was pulled over for.
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Um two of them or one of them was totals, don't recall.
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Um and I kind of had the thing of no concept of how long it took to do something.
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So if I wanted to be at work, I would be sitting at home.
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Work was 30 miles away or however far away it was, and I would in my mind be there now.
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So I I raced, you know.
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So, but anyways, I was really a good kid in a lot of ways.
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I mean, I remember, you know, the boys would go date the girls for a couple years and then have sex with them at some point and then dump them.
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I said, that's not gonna happen to me.
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So when it was my time, I had a little more control over that.
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Um so anyway, uh what can I tell you?
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Okay, so heck okay, so let me back up.
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You were in the in in San Francisco to up to seventh, eighth grade, and seventh grade.
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And then uh, and that was like the late 60s, early 70s when when free love was starting.
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And I uh I all I'm thinking is remember in Forrest Gump when Jenny goes to uh San Francisco, that's kinda it was that was also it was the Jesus Revolution too.
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I saw that.
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I loved that.
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Yeah, that was going on.
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Where they dropped um acid from the helicopters.
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Yeah.
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So then you you guys moved back to the east coast.
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I mean your your parents were just they didn't they didn't stop anywhere in the middle.
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It was east coast, west coast, west coast, back to east coast.
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Okay, as long as we're near the ocean.
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So we uh so now you're in in the east coast, you're finishing up high school, and did you go to Woodstock?
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I did not.
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Okay.
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I did not.
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No.
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The closest I got to Woodstock was when I was in high school getting grounded for something, and I wasn't allowed to go to a concert, so it was working like a like a Burger King where you wear the hairnet.
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Somebody came in and gave me a little bit of window pain acid.
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So I remember doing this with like trying to wipe the counters, and to this day I can still see the hand going.
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Because that was a different time.
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It was a different time.
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Alcohol was prevalent, yes, but then the psychedelics came in, and the psychedelics were were the big thing for a long time.
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Yeah.
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What I never did was drugs regularly or drinking regularly.
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I mean when it was time for the SATs, I was in the parking lot, in the, you know, drank so much I came in I couldn't see straight.
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How these teachers didn't know is unbelievable.
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Yeah.
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500 students, you know, we smell.
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You know, I was outside of multiple groups, from the geeks to the athletic to the druggies to the smokers to all of it.
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So kind of like that.
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But um, yeah, they never knew.
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And um my SATs was literally trying to see the Bubble Tron next to me.
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That was it.
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I have no idea what that SAT score was, it would never have been accurate.
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But anyway, but I would do things periodically.
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So it wasn't like I was addicted to anything.
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It would be here, there, and you know, what I tried wouldn't would be cool.
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You know.
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Yeah.
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So then you get through high school and everything's everything's cool.
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You're you're not quite addicted yet.
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You've tried some things, experimentation.
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What happened after high school?
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Well, something now that I can bring into my story that I have skipped over all these years.
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I said it briefly the last time we talked, but it's really played into something very significant in my life now.
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It really explains a lot of things.
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When I was uh 17, I went to college at Florida State.
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I wanted to go to a school where there were more boys than girls.
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I always had that idea to reach out and try things, you know, see things.
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I had no interest in going to West Virginia University, being local.
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There was a boy I liked.
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He asked me to marry him, but said I couldn't go to school.
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I was in love with him, chip.
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But I uh wanted to go to school.
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So I went to Florida State and uh 17 years old.
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And I'm telling you, I was so freaking naive.
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Um, you it'll it'll show out in the next few years when you hear the rest of this crap.
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It's not crap, it's my life.
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Um, but something significant.
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School was good.
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I was doing fine.
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We would do the parties, we would go to the sinkholes.
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There was always alcohol around, drugs around, things like that.
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Um, and it was just part of a lifestyle, but it wasn't addiction.
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It was like where I there wasn't anything, one thing in particular that I liked over another and felt I needed more of.
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You know, you know what I mean?
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Yeah.
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So, but this is where things changed, and this has all come out to where this breakdown that I recently had that this has been revealed.
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Okay.
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When I was now, it was like I was 17, uh, and this was 1974, tells you how old I am.
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Um, and in 1975, I had met this boy, his name was Al.
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He was this beautiful young man.
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He was at school, um, 4.0 student, very, very cute, very, very good-looking guy, a nice gentleman.
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But he was like on, you know, at the minimum security prison because he had been busted in New York in a big way.
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So he got his prison release where he could go to school during the day and then, you know, go back to the prison at night.
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But we didn't think anything of that.
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But he saw me going around the little, what do you call those?
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When you're going, they're glass, you go from outside to inside into the cafeteria, they go circulate.
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It's like a door, but it's a round door.
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Revolving door.
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Revolving door.
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That's what it was.
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Well, apparently he sees me and comes, keeps going around the revolving door and follows me.
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We end up dating, and that man was so wonderful to me.
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I mean, I'll tell you, I had never had an orgasm before.
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He was reading all the books, trying to figure out how to make this thing happen.
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And the first time I shot all the way across the corner of the other bed.
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It was so funny.
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And this guy would when it rained, he'd arrive in the morning with a rose and an umbrella to walk me to school.
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And he just he just loved me.
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And he was And then you go back to jail at night.
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Yeah, yeah.
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Yeah.
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So, you know, I'd go to school.
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He got he was 4.0 student.
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He was brilliant.
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Wow.
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Yeah.
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And and really what happened was he was a week from away from getting out, being released, and he wanted me to meet his mom.
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And, you know, so much.
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So we literally hitchhiked from Tallahassee to, and I can't recall if it was Winter Springs, Winter Park, some winter place in Florida.
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I'll never forget how much fun we had.
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We went with the truckers, we went through the the orange um groves.
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We we had a ball.
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I remember going to Howard Johnson's and having fried clams for the first time.
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And we just had a ball and we went to his parents' home and they wouldn't let us sleep together.
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They were Catholic.
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They had a younger, he had a younger sister and he had a beautiful brother, very attractive as well, who had a girlfriend who had an apartment and a little boy.
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And so what we did is we went to that apartment and stayed there because she wouldn't let us spend the night and um together.
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And he was like, I have been waiting all this time to be able to wake up with Judy.
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You know, I'm not gonna not.
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So we stayed with the brother.
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They they took the little boy, put him with the friend, and this is where the shit hit the fan.
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Okay.
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This is where things really changed that I've never talked about in my story, even except for light, very light.
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Um so this is part of what recovery's about is things that uh happen in our lives that make it who we are.
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When we're sober and we have a breakdown, it becomes a breakthrough because we're sober, there's something that's undone, unfinished that we can now, and God does this, go back and change in us.
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It gives us a different perspective, different kinds of things.
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But if we drink our ways through it later, we never get there.
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So we never become free.
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We never get that real freedom in recovery.
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Um, and so things have happened in all of our lives.
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But in this particular time, for me, what happened?
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I'm 18 years old now.
00:16:09.440 --> 00:16:15.039
We're staying uh at the boy, the at the brother's and her and the girlfriend's place.
00:16:15.200 --> 00:16:17.679
Everybody's getting high, of course, because that's what you do.
00:16:17.759 --> 00:16:19.279
It's still whatever.
00:16:19.519 --> 00:16:20.960
I go to bed at some point.
00:16:21.120 --> 00:16:22.480
We're in the little boy's room.
00:16:22.559 --> 00:16:26.639
Back then they didn't have fire retardant anything, didn't think anything of it.
00:16:26.720 --> 00:16:27.840
There's a candle there.
00:16:28.080 --> 00:16:33.600
I go to sleep and he wakes me up when he comes to bed and he asked me to marry him.
00:16:34.000 --> 00:16:39.600
And I remember like thinking, oh, um, you know, I wasn't ready for that.
00:16:39.840 --> 00:16:43.279
And later on I felt guilty because I'm not sure that I would have said yes.
00:16:43.440 --> 00:16:47.039
Not then, anyways, you know, because that man loved me.
00:16:47.440 --> 00:16:49.279
He really loved me.
00:16:49.919 --> 00:16:52.720
There was no holds bar, and there's nothing like that.
00:16:52.879 --> 00:16:55.679
There was just where you are just so loved.
00:16:55.919 --> 00:17:06.240
Um, so what happened was uh we fell asleep and you know, we're low, and uh and I wake up and the whole room is filled with smoke.
00:17:06.400 --> 00:17:08.319
Um, and there's the roaring fire.
00:17:08.480 --> 00:17:12.240
We did talk a little bit about it the last time, but it's become very significant.
00:17:12.319 --> 00:17:14.160
So I'm just gonna explore it a little bit.
00:17:14.400 --> 00:17:15.200
Is that all right?
00:17:15.440 --> 00:17:16.079
Absolutely.
00:17:16.400 --> 00:17:16.960
Are you sure?
00:17:17.359 --> 00:17:19.680
Because we can go to some other stuff.
00:17:21.039 --> 00:17:23.440
I'm old, so this could go on for weeks.
00:17:25.599 --> 00:17:27.920
But anyway, Johnny's old too.
00:17:28.000 --> 00:17:28.319
He's good.
00:17:28.480 --> 00:17:30.640
Yeah, I'm older than Johnny.
00:17:32.640 --> 00:17:35.839
But I am as long as I don't look in the mirror, I don't know it.
00:17:37.200 --> 00:17:43.279
But um, anyway, so the fire was raging up the left side.
00:17:43.519 --> 00:17:46.559
We get up, I get him up, blah, blah, blah.
00:17:46.720 --> 00:17:57.279
And he's I run into the other room to go get the brother and the girl, and he stayed in the room because he was that guy that was going to take care of things.
00:17:57.599 --> 00:18:03.680
And um, I got I remember being so shy in the midst of all the stuff, still very modest.
00:18:03.839 --> 00:18:05.920
When I see their naked bodies, I run out of the room.
00:18:06.079 --> 00:18:08.480
I don't want to, but then I was like, whoa, wait a second.
00:18:08.559 --> 00:18:18.319
So I get them up, they're running out, and by now the carpet's on fire, and then pretty soon she and I are in front of the apartment building, the smoke's roaring out.
00:18:18.480 --> 00:18:23.759
I see this, I thought Al's ass running out of the front of the building.
00:18:24.000 --> 00:18:25.440
And so I thought he was okay.
00:18:25.599 --> 00:18:26.640
Fire trucks are there.
00:18:26.720 --> 00:18:29.599
To this day, firemen mean so much to me.
00:18:29.759 --> 00:18:32.960
They've always been there in the hardest of times for people.
00:18:33.039 --> 00:18:34.000
Um, and they always are.
00:18:34.079 --> 00:18:35.519
They're always first on scene.
00:18:35.680 --> 00:18:47.759
So they're taking care of us, and eventually they've got us in the backyard of this big apartment complex, and I'm looking into this room, and it is completely, it's this deep, the burns in the in the room.
00:18:47.920 --> 00:18:55.119
What happened was Al's inside, maybe smoke inhalation, maybe whatever, but the brother was trying to get him.
00:18:55.279 --> 00:18:57.839
The door had shut, the carpet was on fire.
00:18:58.240 --> 00:19:00.640
He ran around to the back to break the window.
00:19:00.799 --> 00:19:05.680
I don't know if the window broke or if it was already broken just in time to see Al.
00:19:06.000 --> 00:19:16.319
By now, the door is shut, so he opens the wrong door, which is the closet door, goes in there, and the brother sees him catch on fire, fall back, and his legs up.
00:19:16.480 --> 00:19:18.160
And that was the end of Al.
00:19:18.559 --> 00:19:22.240
And the next thing I see, balling in the back of this place.
00:19:22.480 --> 00:19:31.039
I'm telling you, the the burned out room was something I just visited with EMDR last Friday.
00:19:31.359 --> 00:19:38.480
Okay, so this burned room was so bad, and the death was so horrific.
00:19:38.559 --> 00:19:41.599
And the first thing I've got is the mother holding my face.
00:19:42.000 --> 00:19:45.200
Where's Al, because she's now on scene, where's Al?
00:19:45.440 --> 00:19:45.920
Where's Al?
00:19:46.079 --> 00:19:48.400
And I'm like, he's dead, he's dead.
00:19:49.039 --> 00:19:51.839
It was awful.
00:19:52.559 --> 00:19:55.200
Just, I mean, I there's awful's not the right word.
00:19:55.359 --> 00:19:57.039
It was very tragic.
00:19:57.599 --> 00:20:01.359
Um, so anyway, from there, there's snippets I remember.
00:20:01.519 --> 00:20:02.960
My aunt coming to get me.
00:20:03.200 --> 00:20:05.920
At the time, my parents were in Antigua.
00:20:06.160 --> 00:20:11.839
My sister was in Pittsburgh, or wherever, Pittsburgh, I think we were at Weirton, I can't recall.
00:20:12.079 --> 00:20:21.519
Um, and she was dating somebody, and this comes into play because my aunt came and got me, and after that, it was um going back to the funeral.
00:20:21.599 --> 00:20:28.319
I tried to open the casket, you know, got into Delta flights too, and I remember them just giving me drinks.
00:20:28.480 --> 00:20:32.960
I loved Delta for years because they just took good care of me.
00:20:33.200 --> 00:20:40.799
But by the time the funeral takes place, my parents are in Antigua, and at the time there weren't really phones.
00:20:41.039 --> 00:20:43.839
You know, there were a couple on the island, not very that many.
00:20:44.000 --> 00:20:53.119
Um, and they got a hold of them and said, one daughter's been in a fire, she's okay, and the other daughter is getting married in a week, you need to get home.
00:20:53.440 --> 00:21:03.839
So they get back to Pittsburgh, and the first thing that happens the next morning when I wake up is my sister grabs me and says, You're coming shopping with me now.
00:21:04.000 --> 00:21:05.039
We're gonna get a dress.
00:21:05.279 --> 00:21:06.960
And I just remember being in a fog.
00:21:07.359 --> 00:21:14.559
So after that, I ended up going back to school, went to school for both of us, and that is where workaholism was born.
00:21:14.799 --> 00:21:17.759
That's where addiction took off.
00:21:18.319 --> 00:21:20.640
That's where you can't do enough.
00:21:20.799 --> 00:21:24.079
That's where there's survivor's guilt you don't even know you have.
00:21:24.240 --> 00:21:28.160
There's that's where going back to school for both of us, he's a 4.0.
00:21:28.400 --> 00:21:32.079
That was a lot of pressure on me to go live for two people.
00:21:32.240 --> 00:21:33.680
But that's what I chose to do.
00:21:33.839 --> 00:21:37.359
So that is how I dealt with the devastation.
00:21:37.519 --> 00:21:39.759
I didn't have therapy, I didn't stop.
00:21:39.920 --> 00:21:43.039
I went right back to school, poured myself into it.
00:21:43.200 --> 00:21:45.759
The amount of drugs I did after that, I would shoot up.
00:21:45.839 --> 00:21:47.920
I remember shooting into my ankles.
00:21:48.079 --> 00:21:48.880
I remember that.
00:21:49.039 --> 00:21:56.960
And I remember trying to take my life, um, you know, trying to stab my wrist, but lots of alcohol, lots of partying.
00:21:57.200 --> 00:21:59.440
I remember the boys, the men, young men.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:04.960
Would be like, oh, you know, trying to console me and then just really basically wanted to sleep with me.
00:22:05.039 --> 00:22:08.720
And I really, really, really distested that whole thing.
00:22:08.880 --> 00:22:10.960
So I didn't trust men after that.
00:22:11.200 --> 00:22:12.400
So it was a big deal.
00:22:12.559 --> 00:22:16.319
And what's really interesting is I never talked about it.
00:22:16.799 --> 00:22:20.000
I didn't think that's what I'm actually Judy.
00:22:20.079 --> 00:22:26.559
This is so okay, so we're of the same generation, and I don't even know if it's generational anymore.
00:22:26.799 --> 00:22:33.440
The the amount of trauma that happens that just gets kind of pushed under the rug.
00:22:33.680 --> 00:22:36.640
All right, come on, this happened, now get over it, you know.
00:22:36.880 --> 00:22:39.119
Uh rub some dirt on it, walk it off.
00:22:39.200 --> 00:22:40.559
You know, everything's gonna be fine.
00:22:40.720 --> 00:22:42.000
Can't never matter.
00:22:42.400 --> 00:22:47.519
You know, and uh, you know, and I like to think that that's different today.
00:22:47.599 --> 00:22:56.480
You know, I like to think that maybe with the with more therapy, with more um, you know, I p my mental health, mental health.
00:22:56.559 --> 00:22:59.440
People are looking at their mental health a little earlier.
00:22:59.680 --> 00:23:06.720
Young people are way more cognizant of of anxiety and depression, and they're looking inwards.
00:23:06.880 --> 00:23:16.720
Uh, whereas, you know, we had traumatic stuff happen in the past and just push it under this, push it under this rug, and let's just go and live life.
00:23:16.880 --> 00:23:26.960
And here you are, 37 years sober, and just now kind of, you know, looking back at that that the fire.
00:23:27.200 --> 00:23:29.920
And that's uh, and good on you for looking at it now.
00:23:30.000 --> 00:23:32.319
A lot of people still they just stay broken.
00:23:32.799 --> 00:23:34.559
Well, it broke me.
00:23:35.039 --> 00:23:38.000
It broke me recently, all these years.
00:23:38.079 --> 00:23:40.319
Remember, I told you how that man loved me.
00:23:40.559 --> 00:23:42.319
Do you know what I just learned?
00:23:43.039 --> 00:23:44.799
I didn't let that in again.
00:23:45.359 --> 00:23:47.359
I didn't know that I did that.
00:23:48.640 --> 00:23:53.440
There's so many strengths we have, so many things we're able to do.
00:23:53.519 --> 00:23:56.240
I'm talented and gifted in many, many ways.
00:23:56.480 --> 00:23:57.839
People think I'm really strong.
00:23:57.920 --> 00:23:59.519
They've always thought strong character.
00:23:59.599 --> 00:24:02.319
I could always walk because I have this strong walk.
00:24:02.480 --> 00:24:07.839
People didn't like rate me in the streets because they just is I didn't have that vulnerable look.
00:24:08.000 --> 00:24:12.799
There was a huge thing of, you know, first of all, I was interested in life.
00:24:12.960 --> 00:24:19.440
I could party, I I was not stupid, I would try things, I was open, I like people, I would go do things.
00:24:19.599 --> 00:24:22.640
And the thing is, is that I had a really good life.
00:24:22.880 --> 00:24:23.519
I did.
00:24:23.920 --> 00:24:41.359
But what was happening all through it is at 19, I mean, I left school, not 19, maybe 20, left school, you know, um moving to California with a friend, thinking I'll let my parents know in 30 days that I'm successful.
00:24:41.839 --> 00:24:43.839
Because I was stupid.
00:24:44.240 --> 00:24:45.599
Talk about naive.
00:24:46.160 --> 00:24:53.039
I go to California and we're there, I end up with some folks there, and that's when I slice my wrists in a tub.
00:24:53.200 --> 00:24:56.559
It's not like I was walking around like I didn't know how to get out of things.
00:24:56.640 --> 00:25:01.920
My parents didn't know where I was, and I couldn't figure out how come I'm not successful in 30 days.
00:25:02.559 --> 00:25:03.920
It's like, whoa.
00:25:04.079 --> 00:25:05.680
And they had APBs on.
00:25:05.920 --> 00:25:06.480
I had no idea.
00:25:06.559 --> 00:25:08.160
And I wasn't this Hellion.
00:25:08.240 --> 00:25:10.480
You didn't get this impression from meeting me.
00:25:10.720 --> 00:25:21.920
You didn't, because I would go to school, I would do all the things, but there was this thing over here that was on fire, you know, that was dead and dying and and and alcohol and drugs.
00:25:22.000 --> 00:25:23.440
You can't do enough.
00:25:23.680 --> 00:25:27.200
There's not enough alcohol and drugs to solve the issues.
00:25:27.440 --> 00:25:28.240
There's just not.
00:25:28.400 --> 00:25:29.759
And it doesn't solve anything now.
00:25:29.920 --> 00:25:32.319
When I laugh now, you'll get a kick, Johnny.
00:25:32.400 --> 00:25:38.400
I'm like, oh wow, you know, whatever my issues are now, those are real problems, freaking alcohol and drugs.
00:25:38.480 --> 00:25:40.000
That's elementary shit.
00:25:41.359 --> 00:25:45.759
Do anything for crying out loud, you know, and we stay stuck back there.
00:25:45.920 --> 00:25:49.119
I mean, like now I've learned about birth order, how it affected me.
00:25:49.200 --> 00:25:51.039
It wasn't all the stuff about my sister.
00:25:51.200 --> 00:25:52.559
It was, I was number two.
00:25:52.720 --> 00:25:54.480
She was one, right behind was me.
00:25:54.640 --> 00:25:57.200
Then comes the favorite boy, and then the baby boy.
00:25:57.359 --> 00:26:00.240
I was the forgotten child, never even freaking knew it.
00:26:00.480 --> 00:26:02.720
Thought I was the scapegoat and the hero.
00:26:02.880 --> 00:26:11.680
But and I used to like, when I got out of treatment at 33 years old, they were like, I had nothing negative to say about my family because they did a great job.
00:26:11.839 --> 00:26:13.119
They were wonderful parents.
00:26:13.279 --> 00:26:15.359
They were good people, they did the best they could.
00:26:15.519 --> 00:26:20.799
Imagine being 23 years old, having four kids all from three and a half years, you know.
00:26:20.960 --> 00:26:22.160
I mean, they did amazing.
00:26:22.240 --> 00:26:26.000
So, and and in treatment, they're like, Well, you need to talk something about your mother.
00:26:26.079 --> 00:26:28.000
And I was like, I had nothing to say.
00:26:28.240 --> 00:26:28.640
Nothing.
00:26:28.799 --> 00:26:30.480
And it was like, here I'm 18 years old.
00:26:30.880 --> 00:26:32.720
I was brought up, we're at 18.
00:26:32.880 --> 00:26:38.000
If you didn't like something about something, then you go ahead and give it to yourself, change it, you know.
00:26:38.079 --> 00:26:42.400
So there was a lot of independence, tons of independence.
00:26:42.640 --> 00:26:44.880
And I feel like we're like the same person.
00:26:45.200 --> 00:26:49.599
I too went through something very tragic with the man I was supposed to marry.
00:26:49.759 --> 00:26:54.640
We're coming on nine years, and I and that was in recovery.
00:26:55.119 --> 00:26:59.920
I was sober, I was too early recovery, but I d I don't think I dealt with it.
00:27:00.079 --> 00:27:06.240
And I'm s now it's like starting to creep up a little bit, and it's like fear plays a huge role.
00:27:06.400 --> 00:27:11.839
Like I don't I'm scared to face it because I don't know what's gonna come out of it.
00:27:12.000 --> 00:27:16.000
And the this is so deep what you're talking about, and it's hitting home.
00:27:16.079 --> 00:27:20.319
And I think I'm literally you we're the same person, Judy.
00:27:20.720 --> 00:27:23.920
I'm gonna tell you what's inside, what you get from it.
00:27:24.960 --> 00:27:30.400
Freedom in a way that we never knew.
00:27:30.559 --> 00:27:31.279
And guess what?
00:27:31.440 --> 00:27:33.759
Recovery is more freedom.
00:27:34.559 --> 00:27:38.480
There's things that come up that we had no idea about.
00:27:38.640 --> 00:27:40.480
It's not everybody's fault.
00:27:40.720 --> 00:27:44.799
Like that's the one thing that I would hold against people talking too much about stuff.
00:27:44.880 --> 00:27:45.839
They always want to talk about.
00:27:46.000 --> 00:27:48.240
I just went through therapy and it was really, really good.
00:27:48.400 --> 00:27:49.359
And it was so good.
00:27:49.519 --> 00:27:51.039
It was so good for me.
00:27:51.200 --> 00:27:54.000
Um, they had in therapy, how about this one?
00:27:54.160 --> 00:27:58.240
They had us go around the room with a piece of paper with everybody's name on it, right?
00:27:58.400 --> 00:28:01.839
So they'd have Judy, and then they'd have everybody who was in that thing.
00:28:02.000 --> 00:28:09.680
And so they gave us a wheel of 160 values and ideas of what you can say about some, you know, adjectives, whatever.
00:28:09.839 --> 00:28:12.079
So you're supposed to choose three for this person.
00:28:12.160 --> 00:28:15.599
So Judy would have Susan said this about Judy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:28:15.759 --> 00:28:19.599
So they did all this, and then they had us write a letter to ourselves.
00:28:19.920 --> 00:28:23.759
And here's a few words from our sponsor, Never Alone Recovery.
00:28:24.160 --> 00:28:29.920
Never Alone Recovery is a resource center for anything addiction or mental health.
00:28:30.160 --> 00:28:32.240
We are a toll-free number.
00:28:32.400 --> 00:28:40.240
Feel free to call 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 855-831-9996.
00:28:40.640 --> 00:28:43.359
This is available for someone who's suffering.
00:28:43.519 --> 00:28:49.599
Also, parents of those who are suffering, colleagues, whoever, feel free to call at any time.
00:28:49.759 --> 00:28:51.359
Krista, what else do we have?
00:28:51.680 --> 00:28:55.599
We host five free Zoom meetings a week, recovery meetings.
00:28:55.759 --> 00:28:59.119
We host a recovery TikTok live every morning.
00:28:59.200 --> 00:29:05.200
And you can find us on all social media platforms: Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, and TikTok.
00:29:05.279 --> 00:29:08.079
And all of it will be in our description.
00:29:08.480 --> 00:29:13.279
And then the therapist took both of those, and when he chose, he mailed it.
00:29:13.359 --> 00:29:15.359
Do you know I got it like a week and a half ago?
00:29:15.519 --> 00:29:18.000
I couldn't Oh my gosh, I love this.
00:29:18.559 --> 00:29:19.599
Fabulous.
00:29:20.640 --> 00:29:25.200
I'm learning things, Krista, that I've never learned before.
00:29:26.000 --> 00:29:26.559
Ever.
00:29:26.960 --> 00:29:27.519
I'm done.
00:29:28.400 --> 00:29:29.599
I need to learn more too.
00:29:29.839 --> 00:29:32.319
Okay, so breakthrough.
00:29:32.559 --> 00:29:33.839
This is what it's about.
00:29:34.160 --> 00:29:35.359
Don't be ashamed.
00:29:35.440 --> 00:29:36.480
I'm not embarrassed.
00:29:36.559 --> 00:29:37.839
I did it in front of everybody.
00:29:38.000 --> 00:29:42.160
Some people are scared shitless of me because they're like, whoa.
00:29:46.079 --> 00:29:49.759
So I'm and uh our disease is progressive, right?
00:29:50.079 --> 00:29:50.720
Very much so.
00:29:51.039 --> 00:29:52.559
Our disease is progressive.
00:29:52.880 --> 00:29:59.039
And as you moved on, so now you've moved on from the fire, you didn't work through it, but you moved on.
00:29:59.279 --> 00:30:01.440
And college didn't get through college.
00:30:02.160 --> 00:30:03.839
So move out to California.
00:30:04.000 --> 00:30:08.400
You're hanging out in California, living the living the lifestyle.
00:30:08.559 --> 00:30:09.920
And then what happened?
00:30:10.319 --> 00:30:11.279
Sliced my wrist.
00:30:11.359 --> 00:30:12.559
My parents came and found me.
00:30:12.640 --> 00:30:15.839
That's when the boyfriend found mom and dad and let them know where I was.
00:30:16.079 --> 00:30:20.720
So, first time ever back to Pittsburgh, go see a therapist.
00:30:21.039 --> 00:30:22.319
Therapists and I talk.
00:30:22.480 --> 00:30:25.359
Remember, I have a strong opinion a strong personality.
00:30:25.519 --> 00:30:28.000
I have people think I'm very strong all the time.
00:30:28.160 --> 00:30:30.240
What what what it was exterior, not inside.
00:30:30.480 --> 00:30:30.960
But it was.
00:30:31.039 --> 00:30:32.079
I was a strong person.
00:30:32.559 --> 00:30:34.559
Got a lot of good things about me.
00:30:34.799 --> 00:30:36.960
And I've I've condemned it for so long.
00:30:37.200 --> 00:30:42.640
So I go now to the see this therapist, and an hour and 15 minutes I tell him my life story.
00:30:42.960 --> 00:30:43.920
And you know what he did?
00:30:44.640 --> 00:30:46.319
He said, You don't need any help.
00:30:48.640 --> 00:30:50.640
He said, You could help a lot of people.
00:30:51.119 --> 00:30:54.720
Now I look back thinking, was I acting like I knew it all?
00:30:54.799 --> 00:30:58.319
And he thought, You don't need any help because I wasn't open to it.
00:30:58.640 --> 00:30:59.519
I don't know.
00:30:59.759 --> 00:31:03.039
But that was the one and only therapy session I ever had.
00:31:03.519 --> 00:31:11.680
So I went and packed up, went back to Pittsburgh, and I was in Pittsburgh at the time and decided to move to New York City, which was a good idea.
00:31:11.839 --> 00:31:15.759
I was going to go to New York, Chicago, San Francisco, or London.
00:31:16.079 --> 00:31:17.839
It's like this is how I thought.
00:31:18.000 --> 00:31:29.519
So I went up to New York, got four job offers in four different industries in a very short period of time, and ended up taking a secretarial position in a large advertising agency.
00:31:29.680 --> 00:31:33.359
Within not so long, I was working for a group vice president.
00:31:33.440 --> 00:31:37.039
It was Marsteller Inc., big agency.
00:31:37.359 --> 00:31:40.880
And um in a short period of time, he's promoted.
00:31:41.039 --> 00:31:44.400
Now I am over hiring and firing secretaries.
00:31:44.559 --> 00:31:46.079
There's like 30 of them.
00:31:46.319 --> 00:31:49.599
And um I've got secretaries of my own.
00:31:49.680 --> 00:31:51.279
And they moved me into a glass office.
00:31:51.440 --> 00:31:52.960
This is a girl, no degree.
00:31:53.119 --> 00:31:55.200
I'm 21 years old.
00:31:55.519 --> 00:31:56.559
Here I am.
00:31:56.799 --> 00:32:01.119
And then Peter got stuck in South Africa.
00:32:01.200 --> 00:32:02.000
They wouldn't let him in.
00:32:02.160 --> 00:32:06.319
I actually ran the meetings for like Swiss Air and shit like that.
00:32:06.559 --> 00:32:12.960
Which, by the way, if you look at that, the other group vice presidents and other people, politically, they don't like any of this.
00:32:13.359 --> 00:32:17.519
So, you know, short order, about a year later, I'm out of a job.
00:32:17.839 --> 00:32:21.440
And I remember having a bar in there.
00:32:21.519 --> 00:32:24.400
I mean, I don't I would take these girls to lunch.
00:32:24.480 --> 00:32:28.799
I figured out early on how to get an hour and a half lunch, and I would get them drunk at lunch.
00:32:28.960 --> 00:32:30.160
We drank at lunch.
00:32:30.400 --> 00:32:31.759
We drank at dinner.
00:32:31.920 --> 00:32:33.359
There was happy hour everywhere.
00:32:33.440 --> 00:32:35.680
You didn't need money, especially if you were a girl.
00:32:35.839 --> 00:32:38.160
It was freaking happy hour everywhere after work.
00:32:38.240 --> 00:32:39.839
You can get all the food you wanted.
00:32:40.000 --> 00:32:50.240
And all these um, there's so much I could tell you about like what the modeling industry was doing and the men and the things and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:32:50.400 --> 00:32:54.559
But there's so many people out there that are buying you drinks, giving you drugs, right?
00:32:54.720 --> 00:32:55.759
That's easy.
00:32:56.000 --> 00:32:59.200
So everybody's got cocaine in their jewels.
00:32:59.599 --> 00:33:04.960
Um, I've freaking, you know, had cocaine all the time and then started meeting people.
00:33:05.119 --> 00:33:08.640
I got to meet John Holmes, you know, the guy from Of course.
00:33:08.880 --> 00:33:09.200
Yes.
00:33:09.279 --> 00:33:12.799
Um, I remember John Holmes is a it was the porn star.
00:33:14.240 --> 00:33:15.359
But I didn't know who he was.
00:33:15.680 --> 00:33:26.559
So now this was this was now you're in, you're in New York, you're working at the workaholic stage, and you're hanging out at Studio 54.
00:33:26.880 --> 00:33:30.799
This is now we've talked about this, and that you have some stories.
00:33:31.279 --> 00:33:32.720
Tony's favorite part of your story.
00:33:33.200 --> 00:33:36.000
I'm telling you, it really is.
00:33:36.799 --> 00:33:38.880
Studio 54 was fun.
00:33:39.680 --> 00:33:42.799
And I think the story that you like was about Sly, right?
00:33:42.880 --> 00:33:43.440
That one.
00:33:43.680 --> 00:33:44.160
Do you remember?
00:33:44.480 --> 00:33:44.799
Yeah, yeah.
00:33:45.039 --> 00:33:54.559
That was uh so I think I asked you, I asked you the last time who was the most famous person that you ever did cocaine with.
00:33:54.880 --> 00:33:58.240
And you're you're and I remember the answer.
00:33:59.119 --> 00:34:00.079
I remember the answer.
00:34:00.400 --> 00:34:02.960
The one I insulted, which one I insulted?
00:34:03.359 --> 00:34:10.000
No, uh, I believe James Kahn was your but then Sylvester Sallone.
00:34:10.960 --> 00:34:14.000
Yo, Adrian, let's uh let's talk about it.
00:34:14.400 --> 00:34:15.280
See, I'm over here.
00:34:15.440 --> 00:34:17.599
I just did it with reality stars.
00:34:18.320 --> 00:34:20.000
Ah, you know, yes.
00:34:20.800 --> 00:34:22.639
No names to be said here.
00:34:23.599 --> 00:34:28.639
You did you were a whole nother name level there.
00:34:29.119 --> 00:34:37.119
Well, that was the times, you know, and this guy, Richard Dworkin, D-W-O-R-K-I-N, he was in the rag business.
00:34:37.440 --> 00:34:39.679
He had a place in New York City.
00:34:39.840 --> 00:34:43.360
It was three levels at the top, it was one city block.
00:34:44.239 --> 00:34:46.800
It's huge with a pool on top and everything else.
00:34:47.039 --> 00:34:48.639
He used to have these parties.
00:34:48.960 --> 00:34:49.599
Oh my god.
00:34:49.679 --> 00:34:55.440
And then his friend Mark Packer, who was family-owned Harold Square, right?
00:34:56.079 --> 00:34:57.599
And they had it this thing.
00:34:57.760 --> 00:34:59.920
Mark was jealous of Richard.
00:35:00.079 --> 00:35:06.880
So when he, when this black building, black glass building went up, Mark had to have one floor above Richard.
00:35:07.039 --> 00:35:10.079
You know, it's like because Richard could get anybody.
00:35:10.239 --> 00:35:12.960
He had these huge parties, lots of celebrities.
00:35:13.199 --> 00:35:14.400
He was a great guy.
00:35:14.639 --> 00:35:17.920
I mean, when I say that, I I won't tell you the stories.
00:35:19.599 --> 00:35:23.360
Let's just say lots of Vaseline was being run around with everybody.
00:35:23.440 --> 00:35:28.719
But it was crazy town.
00:35:28.880 --> 00:35:29.199
Okay.
00:35:29.280 --> 00:35:31.039
It was insane partying.
00:35:31.280 --> 00:35:33.199
And I worked on Wall Street by now.
00:35:33.360 --> 00:35:39.679
You know, I got a cultivated, I worked in during the Iran Contra affair, you know, with some oil and gas and tax.
00:35:40.159 --> 00:35:46.480
So a lot of the things I did is very forest gumpy because it's like I was here, I was there, I was here for real.
00:35:48.320 --> 00:35:49.119
It was real.
00:35:49.280 --> 00:35:53.760
And because I was a cute little bond blonde that had no idea what she had.
00:35:53.920 --> 00:35:56.880
I've never looked at my looks, who I am.
00:35:56.960 --> 00:35:59.440
I never did the I am woman, hear me roar.
00:35:59.760 --> 00:36:08.320
I uh I never figured out that um, you know, that there was power in the sex of a woman.
00:36:08.480 --> 00:36:10.400
I just never thought that way.
00:36:10.639 --> 00:36:11.599
I just didn't.
00:36:11.760 --> 00:36:16.480
And in the midst of all of that, um, I met a guy who was much older than me.
00:36:16.639 --> 00:36:17.920
His name was also Al.
00:36:18.719 --> 00:36:25.280
And um he was married, and and there the Jewish men would be married and have a mistress, you know.
00:36:25.360 --> 00:36:41.920
And so my first client in in the stock market, her name was Kathy, she was getting ready to marry this president of something or other, and she's she had had this guy taking care of her for a long time, and she knew that every woman would take advantage of him.
00:36:42.079 --> 00:36:45.519
And then she approached me with, I want to you two to meet.
00:36:45.599 --> 00:36:48.239
The first thing I thought is, he's ugly, he's old, no interest.
00:36:48.559 --> 00:36:49.840
Are you kidding me?
00:36:50.159 --> 00:36:58.079
And then he just pursued me until he showed me who he was, and I had a ball for four years, and that man never stopped.
00:36:58.320 --> 00:37:01.920
He told me I made him a millionaire that he had been a multimillionaire.
00:37:02.239 --> 00:37:05.199
But um, you know, he just spent on mistresses.
00:37:05.280 --> 00:37:10.880
But all through that, what what that did for me is I didn't have to do the sex stuff that was going on.
00:37:11.199 --> 00:37:11.519
Okay.
00:37:11.920 --> 00:37:21.280
Because if you didn't have money and you weren't a dealer, then you're gonna have to be doing a lot of this stuff because you're just you're just a groupie.
00:37:21.360 --> 00:37:24.639
And I'm like, I don't want to do that, you know.
00:37:24.880 --> 00:37:26.719
It's not how I wanted to do it.
00:37:27.199 --> 00:37:33.039
So, you know, this guy took care of me and I didn't have the only thing he wanted very little from me.
00:37:33.119 --> 00:37:35.280
I won't tell you what, which is very little.
00:37:35.760 --> 00:37:41.199
I would, honestly, I guess I don't care, but I figure I And that happens too, that happened to me too.
00:37:41.280 --> 00:37:56.320
Like people thought I was like giving more to get special things, but a lot of the times they just like gave me stuff and like let me hang around and I didn't have to do all the extras.
00:37:56.639 --> 00:37:58.400
Should I tell you what I had to do?
00:38:00.079 --> 00:38:00.559
Should I?
00:38:01.280 --> 00:38:02.000
Johnny wants to know.
00:38:02.239 --> 00:38:03.119
You know I want to know.
00:38:03.599 --> 00:38:06.239
All I had to do was let him jerk off on my breasts, and that was it.
00:38:06.559 --> 00:38:13.519
And then so what I learned, get it over with, get dressed, let's go have some fun now, and he wasn't pawing me anymore.
00:38:13.760 --> 00:38:15.280
I didn't have to do all that.
00:38:15.519 --> 00:38:16.320
That was it.
00:38:16.559 --> 00:38:18.079
And that wasn't all the time.
00:38:18.239 --> 00:38:23.519
He was so scared that he would get me pregnant because that happened to him, that he didn't want that.
00:38:23.599 --> 00:38:25.360
So we didn't have to have sex.
00:38:25.840 --> 00:38:29.360
Uh you know how fun that is, like just get it over with.
00:38:29.599 --> 00:38:34.639
I think get on with some fun, go to Canada, go shop and come back with all kinds of furs.
00:38:35.039 --> 00:38:37.760
You just we had so much fun.
00:38:38.079 --> 00:38:40.559
The feds were watching us, didn't know it.
00:38:40.719 --> 00:38:45.199
Um, the mafia was watching us, he was doing payoffs to city housing.
00:38:45.360 --> 00:38:47.679
We were having the IRS was after him.
00:38:47.840 --> 00:38:50.400
We had no idea they were following us for a few years.
00:38:50.639 --> 00:38:55.280
I picture you in like a little fur coat, just shopping bags.
00:38:55.920 --> 00:38:58.719
I had 19 or 21 because by the way, I hated shopping.
00:38:58.800 --> 00:38:59.519
So what did he do?
00:38:59.679 --> 00:39:00.320
Put me on a plane.
00:39:00.400 --> 00:39:05.360
We went to Canada, we went to Toronto, a place called Alan Cherry, and they would dress me for the season.
00:39:06.000 --> 00:39:06.400
Wow.
00:39:06.639 --> 00:39:06.880
Yeah.
00:39:07.119 --> 00:39:08.719
One trip was 65 grand.
00:39:09.599 --> 00:39:10.159
What?
00:39:10.960 --> 00:39:11.360
Yeah.
00:39:11.599 --> 00:39:13.440
It was like a ball.
00:39:13.679 --> 00:39:14.000
Okay.
00:39:14.239 --> 00:39:17.519
So and now I'm working on Wall Street, free basin.
00:39:21.280 --> 00:39:31.280
I would freebase it, Bear Stearns, like there, whenever they were courting me to come work for them, they served breakfast in gold bowls, and it was like raisin bran.
00:39:31.519 --> 00:39:33.679
You know, it's like whatever, homemade.
00:39:33.840 --> 00:39:34.480
I don't know.
00:39:34.639 --> 00:39:42.239
But it was the world I lived in, one of the parties, it was literally platters of cocaine.
00:39:42.880 --> 00:39:43.599
Platters.
00:39:43.760 --> 00:39:51.679
And that's where I met John Holmes, a friend of mine's girlfriend, was a model, and and she I was like, I had no idea who this guy was.
00:39:51.840 --> 00:39:55.599
That's the thing that really upset celebrities, is if you don't know who they are.
00:39:56.079 --> 00:39:56.960
And I didn't.
00:39:57.679 --> 00:40:03.360
So he's like, you know, oh, she's like, he's like, you don't somebody was like, you don't know who I am, or whatever.
00:40:03.440 --> 00:40:05.199
And and my friend was going like this.
00:40:06.320 --> 00:40:07.920
I still wasn't getting it.
00:40:14.320 --> 00:40:17.599
So I was like, it took me well, she finally had to tell me, you know.
00:40:17.760 --> 00:40:21.440
And it was like Adnan Koshogi, he basically owned Africa.
00:40:21.519 --> 00:40:23.280
His son dated Brooke Shields.
00:40:23.599 --> 00:40:25.679
Um, he looked like a teddy bear.
00:40:25.760 --> 00:40:28.880
You had uh Prime Minister Menachem Began.
00:40:29.039 --> 00:40:47.199
Well, we would have this guy, Vince, they'd go looking for pretty girls to take him to all the clubs, the palladium to um uh Studio 54, Nell's, all the all the places, and they'd gather the girls up that they wanted to come back to see these guys.
00:40:47.440 --> 00:40:52.800
And some of them ended up with whatever, some of them didn't, whatever, and I didn't want to be a party of that.
00:40:53.039 --> 00:40:59.199
So, you know, I in a lot of these circles, I would be sometimes the one, a lot of times the one that's buying the Coke.
00:40:59.440 --> 00:41:02.000
I didn't have to deal it, I just had to be the buyer.
00:41:02.079 --> 00:41:05.519
So I didn't have to deal with the dealing because I wouldn't have been a good dealer.
00:41:05.760 --> 00:41:08.639
But if I could provide the stuff, I didn't have to sleep with anybody.
00:41:08.719 --> 00:41:14.480
And anybody could do acrobats all they want to do, and I could be high as a kite talking business deals with these guys.
00:41:14.639 --> 00:41:15.679
And that's what I would do.
00:41:15.840 --> 00:41:17.360
I would have these ideas.
00:41:17.920 --> 00:41:20.400
And uh I was working on Wall Street at the time.
00:41:20.559 --> 00:41:21.920
They were great ideas.
00:41:22.639 --> 00:41:23.920
I was smart.
00:41:25.840 --> 00:41:27.599
And so, like, it was I'm serious.
00:41:27.679 --> 00:41:35.440
So I would get all of a sudden I'd get these clients, and so they would call me broker to the stars because my book of business with these stars.
00:41:35.599 --> 00:41:41.360
But one time I got a call from Fred Adler, who was the at the time eighth largest venture capitalist in the world.
00:41:41.519 --> 00:41:43.280
He was fifth last time I heard.
00:41:43.360 --> 00:41:44.239
I don't know where he is now.
00:41:44.320 --> 00:41:47.599
I don't know if anybody's hearing these names, if I should ever say them.
00:41:47.840 --> 00:41:48.880
But uh, whatever.
00:41:49.039 --> 00:41:58.880
Anyway, um, he brought I brought an idea, he ended up opening up accounts with me, and they pay Weber wouldn't let me trade it because he was so big he could close Pain Weber.
00:41:59.039 --> 00:42:02.800
They wanted the big top guy to do it, and he's like, No, I want Judy.
00:42:02.960 --> 00:42:05.840
You know, and they thought it was just because I was a cute little blonde.
00:42:06.000 --> 00:42:06.639
It wasn't it.
00:42:06.719 --> 00:42:10.320
They thought I was sleeping with these all these people, and I wasn't.
00:42:10.480 --> 00:42:13.280
You know, I'm not saying I didn't sleep with some, believe me.
00:42:13.519 --> 00:42:15.440
But um, you know, I'm no angel.
00:42:15.679 --> 00:42:24.480
But um, I'm saying that like it was the mousy little girl that was at Paint Weber that was sleeping with all the people, you know, that you'd never consider.
00:42:24.880 --> 00:42:26.000
And it wasn't me.
00:42:26.159 --> 00:42:30.960
I was so more concerned that people I was so into ideas and learning.
00:42:31.199 --> 00:42:35.280
And, you know, so oh God, I loved New York.
00:42:35.519 --> 00:42:36.159
I loved it.
00:42:36.480 --> 00:42:47.920
Judy, I'm telling you, it's wild because that's like I'm I'm I hear your stories, and I love when I sit and talk with you and just hear the stories, you know, and you know, and the wildness of your life.
00:42:48.000 --> 00:42:52.400
And what it makes me think like, wow, that was back then, you know, it's not like that anymore.
00:42:52.559 --> 00:42:54.480
It's kind of like that still, you know.
00:42:55.039 --> 00:42:56.639
I was shocked by that.
00:42:56.960 --> 00:42:59.519
We hear, we hear all the stories, you know.
00:42:59.679 --> 00:43:00.960
You hear the stories of R.
00:43:01.199 --> 00:43:06.079
Kelly's parties and now Puff Daddy's parties and Epstein and all the stuff.
00:43:06.159 --> 00:43:08.480
It's all it's all still going down.
00:43:08.719 --> 00:43:12.320
And as long as these as long as some people got caught.
00:43:12.559 --> 00:43:13.760
Some people got caught.
00:43:14.079 --> 00:43:22.880
You know, as long as there's people with money and there's drugs and there's people who want those drugs, there's uh this is gonna be an ongoing thing.
00:43:23.039 --> 00:43:44.079
So the fact that we're here and raising awareness toward it, like this is this is happening, you know, and now it's it's it's worse because the drugs have gotten stronger, the you know, the sex has gotten crazier, and I mean, everything is more, everything is more now, and uh and it's scary.
00:43:44.159 --> 00:43:49.039
So I really hope that people, when they listen to this, they actually, you know, open their ears.
00:43:49.199 --> 00:43:54.079
So let's uh you know I love hearing all your stories, but I want to hear what happened.
00:43:54.880 --> 00:43:55.440
What happened?
00:43:57.039 --> 00:43:59.760
Let's go to recovery 37 years ago.
00:44:00.400 --> 00:44:07.679
Something happened, and we all get some sort of gift of desperation, that moment that changes our life forever.
00:44:07.920 --> 00:44:09.440
And you were having a fun time.
00:44:09.599 --> 00:44:11.119
You were having that good fun.
00:44:11.519 --> 00:44:13.840
And, you know, but what happened?
00:44:14.079 --> 00:44:20.320
I OD'd at 27 quit doing coke and realized that I needed family.
00:44:20.559 --> 00:44:20.800
Okay.
00:44:21.119 --> 00:44:24.159
So I didn't realize I continued to drink.
00:44:24.400 --> 00:44:30.079
I also needed to end that relationship with a married man because I truly did want to get married and have children.
00:44:30.239 --> 00:44:32.000
I wanted to have a life like that.
00:44:32.159 --> 00:44:36.559
And I didn't want to be 30 years old still dating a married man.
00:44:36.719 --> 00:44:37.039
Okay.
00:44:37.199 --> 00:44:38.079
That's not what I wanted.
00:44:38.239 --> 00:44:39.679
So I had to break up with him.
00:44:39.840 --> 00:44:43.280
And then I was going to the gym and I met this beautiful man.
00:44:43.360 --> 00:44:48.639
Um his name was Richard, and 6'4, dark hair.
00:44:48.719 --> 00:44:57.840
He was on the cover of freaking Tennis Magazine when he was an accountant supervisor at USA Today, because when he brought all the models in, they were like, we want him on the front.
00:44:58.079 --> 00:44:59.760
So they pulled him in the front.
00:44:59.920 --> 00:45:02.880
And his family was all from the right side of the tracks.
00:45:02.960 --> 00:45:04.239
And this is the tricky shit.
00:45:04.400 --> 00:45:13.840
I mean, because first of all, um I couldn't understand why I didn't love this man because he had all the right things.
00:45:14.159 --> 00:45:20.239
So rather than walk away from it, I went with there's something wrong with me that I don't.
00:45:20.400 --> 00:45:22.800
So I ended up marrying him.
00:45:23.039 --> 00:45:24.880
And it was a huge mistake.
00:45:25.119 --> 00:45:31.119
Uh I had this spirit, I had a lot of charisma, I had a lot of depth to me.
00:45:31.360 --> 00:45:35.920
And really, what I was at 30 years old already was he was a giggolo.
00:45:36.079 --> 00:45:37.519
I mean, he lived off me.
00:45:37.840 --> 00:45:46.079
So what happens when you don't, when you think you're not good enough, when you think there's something wrong with you that you don't love somebody?
00:45:46.320 --> 00:45:47.679
You're so disconnected.
00:45:47.760 --> 00:45:49.840
I was so disconnected from my insides.
00:45:50.079 --> 00:45:53.679
Married the guy a year and a half later, he beat me to a pond.
00:45:53.840 --> 00:45:55.440
I'd never been touched in my life.
00:45:55.599 --> 00:46:01.599
He fractured my sket, my skull, and beat my face into the ground beyond recognition.
00:46:01.920 --> 00:46:03.760
You would not have known who I was.
00:46:03.920 --> 00:46:05.039
My face was flat.
00:46:05.199 --> 00:46:06.159
It was black.
00:46:06.320 --> 00:46:08.000
I was all black down here.
00:46:08.239 --> 00:46:09.519
I should have died.
00:46:09.679 --> 00:46:11.199
And this beating took place.
00:46:11.440 --> 00:46:13.519
He destroyed the home, all the things.
00:46:13.599 --> 00:46:16.639
I'd never been touched, and here I'm almost dead.
00:46:16.880 --> 00:46:21.840
And I was able to get out from under by pulling out his hair.
00:46:22.079 --> 00:46:26.800
Ended up policing, ambulance, and all the stuff coming off the elevator.
00:46:26.880 --> 00:46:29.039
So this was really bad.
00:46:29.280 --> 00:46:31.840
And this crossed everything inside.
00:46:32.000 --> 00:46:33.760
I couldn't tell anybody the truth.
00:46:33.920 --> 00:46:34.559
I had to lie.
00:46:34.639 --> 00:46:36.960
I was in the hospital for two and a half weeks.
00:46:37.199 --> 00:46:43.280
From that summer, I mean, truly, it was it's where a place inside of me was broken.
00:46:44.400 --> 00:46:50.239
They Stockholm syndrome, all the things take place inside when something like that happens.
00:46:50.400 --> 00:46:54.239
I feel for any woman who's been touched, any man who's been touched.
00:46:54.400 --> 00:46:55.360
I really do.
00:46:55.679 --> 00:47:01.519
From there, um, that summer, as your brain is healing, it's extraordinarily painful.
00:47:01.679 --> 00:47:03.519
Alcohol couldn't touch it.
00:47:03.760 --> 00:47:05.760
I couldn't drink enough to get rid of that.
00:47:05.840 --> 00:47:09.440
It when your bruises in your brain heal, it is so painful.
00:47:10.159 --> 00:47:15.360
So ended up, um, my family got concerned, comes up and gets me.
00:47:15.519 --> 00:47:17.840
I came from a family where you don't ask for help.
00:47:17.920 --> 00:47:19.280
My mom said, Do you need help?
00:47:19.360 --> 00:47:20.559
And it was in her tone.
00:47:20.719 --> 00:47:21.199
I said yes.
00:47:21.360 --> 00:47:34.960
Next thing you know, I'm in treatment in in Charleston, South Carolina, in a place called Fen McCall, which is like a plantation, very much like the private Benjamin story where she's looking out, saying those condos look lovely, they're barracks.
00:47:35.119 --> 00:47:37.039
I had no idea I was going to treatment.
00:47:37.280 --> 00:47:39.840
John, I never tried to stop drinking.
00:47:40.079 --> 00:47:42.400
Never thought drinking was a problem.
00:47:42.639 --> 00:47:45.599
I couldn't handle 100-proof after the head injury.
00:47:45.840 --> 00:47:48.320
That I knew I was having issues there.
00:47:48.480 --> 00:47:50.159
But I didn't ever try to quit.
00:47:50.239 --> 00:47:53.920
So I didn't know because I did relapse at 20 and a half years.
00:47:54.079 --> 00:47:58.079
I that's when I found, you know, anyways, for a year and nine months.
00:47:58.159 --> 00:48:02.000
So I have 35 out of 37 years, but I've been in recovery all this time.
00:48:02.159 --> 00:48:08.800
So anyway, I go to treatment and in treatment, you know, I didn't want to talk to anybody who had a blue book.
00:48:08.880 --> 00:48:10.400
I didn't know I wouldn't be drinking.
00:48:10.480 --> 00:48:15.360
I remember just having a little bit on the plane, like beer, two Bloody Marys, or vice versa.
00:48:15.440 --> 00:48:17.599
I don't remember what, blah, blah, blah.
00:48:17.679 --> 00:48:23.519
And I end up there and I'm landed now, and I'm in this little clinic, and it was the best time of my life.
00:48:23.760 --> 00:48:30.239
Um, the best thing that ever happened to me was getting off this world for 30 days.
00:48:30.559 --> 00:48:32.239
It was the best thing.
00:48:32.400 --> 00:48:34.960
That's the thing that turned my life around.
00:48:35.199 --> 00:48:44.000
Um, the first couple of days, you know, they're just having you follow the classes around since I didn't want anything to do with blue books and all of that shit.
00:48:44.239 --> 00:48:46.079
I would, they would just come out.
00:48:46.159 --> 00:48:47.119
There was two benches.
00:48:47.280 --> 00:48:48.400
I always love this story.
00:48:48.480 --> 00:48:51.599
There's two benches outside of this building as the clinic.
00:48:51.760 --> 00:48:57.360
One side of the is for the women, one side's for the men in the middle is the TV in the living room and the nurse's station.
00:48:57.519 --> 00:49:00.559
And, you know, when I checked in, I think you guys remember the story.
00:49:00.639 --> 00:49:03.679
I checked in and they have to go through the things and they're holding up.
00:49:04.000 --> 00:49:06.639
Thought they were gonna hang, I was gonna hang myself with my vibrators.
00:49:06.800 --> 00:49:07.599
They had to take it.
00:49:07.760 --> 00:49:10.800
They took all my new makeup, anything with a mirror in it, Chanel.
00:49:10.960 --> 00:49:15.360
I had just spent$500 on all new makeup because I needed a makeover, right?
00:49:15.440 --> 00:49:16.239
With that help.
00:49:16.480 --> 00:49:19.039
So here I am, and they they took all that.
00:49:19.119 --> 00:49:20.960
And long, uh, the girl next to me had A's.
00:49:21.119 --> 00:49:22.159
I gave her all of the makeup.
00:49:22.480 --> 00:49:36.960
Well, it the within a I stood out, sat out at these two benches under a tree outside of this clinic and smoked a million cigarettes and just chatting with the others there, never laughed so hard in my life.
00:49:37.280 --> 00:49:40.239
Never cried so hard in my life either.
00:49:40.480 --> 00:49:47.840
And I was learning things, and they would come out, the nurses would lie to me and say, Hey, you know, your bus is coming for crime victims group.
00:49:48.000 --> 00:49:53.360
And then they'd say, you know, just wait over here, and then they'd come out and tell me it blew attire or something.
00:49:53.440 --> 00:49:59.679
And just while you got nothing else to do, why don't you follow these people into this room and into this room or into that building?
00:49:59.840 --> 00:50:09.039
And this was a group, or it was um education, or it was yoga, or or meditation, I mean, or it was um medical.
00:50:09.280 --> 00:50:15.840
They would just teach you things, and then they'd some people would bring in AA meetings, and so you're being introduced to the steps.
00:50:15.920 --> 00:50:17.920
The therapist is having you write some stuff.
00:50:18.000 --> 00:50:19.199
So I'm starting to write some stuff.
00:50:19.360 --> 00:50:21.360
I saw nothing wrong with the way I lived.
00:50:21.519 --> 00:50:22.960
That's what's baffling.
00:50:23.519 --> 00:50:30.800
That's what's really baffling is how hard it is when somebody is talking about something and you're like, I just want to hit them.
00:50:30.960 --> 00:50:32.159
Like, oh, are you dumb?
00:50:32.239 --> 00:50:33.360
And it's like, look at me.
00:50:33.519 --> 00:50:34.800
I had no clue.
00:50:35.039 --> 00:50:35.679
None.
00:50:36.000 --> 00:50:44.480
So within three days, the third day I was in a meeting and they'd lied to me enough times, and now I was eating right and you know, blah, blah, blah.
00:50:44.719 --> 00:50:48.000
And my concern now was wanting to lose weight, you know.
00:50:48.159 --> 00:50:50.639
I wasn't thinking anything, but I was learning things.
00:50:50.800 --> 00:50:52.159
I was in the right environment.
00:50:52.320 --> 00:50:55.199
I was in a place where people were talking and listening.
00:50:55.519 --> 00:51:00.639
Then then the steps are on the wall, and I see the 11th step, and it's a conscious contact with God.
00:51:00.800 --> 00:51:05.280
And that is a spiritual moment where literally everything opened up.
00:51:05.440 --> 00:51:06.320
My mind opened up.
00:51:06.400 --> 00:51:07.599
I became teachable.
00:51:07.760 --> 00:51:12.159
It was honestly like God came and just went, opened Judy's mind.
00:51:12.559 --> 00:51:21.119
And I quit fighting anything, and everybody didn't know that that was part of the steps, didn't know that that's surrender.
00:51:21.360 --> 00:51:22.400
My mind opened up.
00:51:22.480 --> 00:51:48.800
And in a period of time, I started to realize that before I ever got there, I would cry and cry and cry and cry and cry on my marble floors and writing and crying and criting and smoking cigarettes and doing more cocaine and drinking more, and just crying and writing letters about how horrifically sad I was, or how what a mess, and just so lonely and so sad and so broken, and just crying out for help.
00:51:48.960 --> 00:51:53.679
And in my heart, I said, help me, and God did.
00:51:54.400 --> 00:52:09.599
And the thing that people get mixed up about recovery is it's not, it's never when when when somebody's trying to control the recovery, like it's got to be this way or that way, it's like I just want to slap them and say, don't try to control shit.
00:52:09.760 --> 00:52:15.199
If somebody was doing um brain surgery on you, you're not awake to do it.
00:52:15.360 --> 00:52:18.639
Okay, just let the person do the brain surgery.
00:52:18.800 --> 00:52:20.000
You don't know what you're doing.
00:52:20.159 --> 00:52:25.599
But but because this isn't a tangible illness, and I have alcoholism.
00:52:25.840 --> 00:52:28.000
I was not raised in an alcoholic home.
00:52:28.159 --> 00:52:32.000
I believe my dad did a lot of party and work-wise because that was it.
00:52:32.159 --> 00:52:36.719
In those days, if you didn't drink wine at lunch with clients, they didn't trust you.
00:52:36.880 --> 00:52:41.840
You know, so it was the way of the world, it was the way of things, whatever, whatever.
00:52:42.159 --> 00:52:44.880
And it was so a part of life.
00:52:45.119 --> 00:52:52.639
But um, when I threw that treatment, I think I told you before about this heroin addict, he might have had five days more than me.
00:52:52.800 --> 00:53:06.159
And when my therapist couldn't break through to me for me to see, just like I want somebody else to see, um, they had me read what I wrote to this man and a woman in a parlor in this plantation.
00:53:06.480 --> 00:53:07.920
And I read it to them.
00:53:08.000 --> 00:53:16.320
And I when I looked up, I mean, here's a guy that I looked down on because, you know, a badge of honor, cocaine's better than heroin, you know.
00:53:16.559 --> 00:53:22.079
Uh, you know, then I would hear that in NA meetings about who was tougher, you know, who survived.
00:53:22.159 --> 00:53:23.760
I'm a big bad person.
00:53:23.920 --> 00:53:28.480
And the truth of the matter is, it's not us that saved us.
00:53:28.880 --> 00:53:29.440
Period.
00:53:29.599 --> 00:53:31.119
I didn't make it through that.
00:53:31.280 --> 00:53:32.639
God brought me through it.
00:53:32.800 --> 00:53:34.880
I it wasn't my toughness.
00:53:35.199 --> 00:53:44.960
So when he was able, when I looked up and saw his mouth wide open, like, oh my god, because I saw nothing wrong with my life.
00:53:45.920 --> 00:53:46.800
Nothing wrong.
00:53:47.920 --> 00:53:55.280
And that face gave me the break inside that I need that was like, oh my God.
00:53:55.519 --> 00:53:56.960
And it I had felt shame.
00:53:57.280 --> 00:54:02.639
I felt the depth of pain, I felt sorrow, I felt embarrassed.
00:54:03.280 --> 00:54:11.119
And then it was the learn, see, these things that we think were bad or negative, they're gifts.
00:54:11.679 --> 00:54:23.360
They're true gifts, because that brought me to the next thing of this man who's five days more sober than me, right off a heroin, telling me to go to a mirror, knowing how bad I felt inside.
00:54:23.599 --> 00:54:25.280
How did he know all that?
00:54:25.760 --> 00:54:32.719
You know, so I'm standing in front of the mirror, and he made me stand in front of the mirror and say, I love you, Judy, even though you fucked up.
00:54:33.280 --> 00:54:42.239
And I remember seeing like the pin print of feeling like I could see out of this part of my eye until I would say it enough and stood in front of it.
00:54:42.320 --> 00:54:47.440
I can actually see me a hundred percent, like all the way, full face.
00:54:47.679 --> 00:54:50.639
That man made me stay stand there and say that until that happened.
00:54:50.800 --> 00:54:52.320
How do you do that?
00:54:53.519 --> 00:54:56.000
You know how brilliant.
00:54:56.880 --> 00:55:00.159
We alcoholics and addicts are not dumb.
00:55:00.719 --> 00:55:09.119
We are deep, we have compassion, we have an understanding, we feel things, we understand things, we just get confused by it all.
00:55:09.280 --> 00:55:12.960
And we get buy into the lie that a drink or a drug is going to help something.
00:55:13.039 --> 00:55:15.440
And all it does is stuff it.
00:55:15.679 --> 00:55:28.800
And sometimes I think, you know, it actually saves our lives for a period of time because I think some of the things that we go through, you know, we are not anywhere near able to even possibly uh fathom what just took place.
00:55:28.960 --> 00:55:35.119
And there's a lot that happens, and you know, some of the stuff I'm talking about, just, you know, and it's like we need help later.
00:55:35.199 --> 00:55:38.719
And I and if we are get sober, we can get that help later.
00:55:38.880 --> 00:55:45.519
And I think one of the mistakes people make in recovery is thinking that when you're going through something, that means you're not doing something in your program.
00:55:45.679 --> 00:55:47.119
And that's bullshit.
00:55:47.360 --> 00:56:03.519
When you're going through something, it's because you are doing something in your program and God's doing something in you, and there's things he's getting rid of that we no longer need, and he's helping us to see and to face and to understand and to realize that he has got us, he loves us, and we start to truly get that.
00:56:03.760 --> 00:56:04.800
Little pieces.
00:56:05.039 --> 00:56:06.480
It comes in time.
00:56:06.800 --> 00:56:14.239
This is an intangible life in recovery that is so tangible when you see it in somebody.
00:56:14.480 --> 00:56:20.880
You know, um, so when somebody's going through a hard time, it doesn't mean they're doing wrong things.
00:56:21.039 --> 00:56:24.559
It might very well mean that God is doing something in them.
00:56:24.719 --> 00:56:36.639
And that's so wow, Judy, you it's all your you all this story from your recovery, you know, it just it's all we all have this crazy definition of what normal is.
00:56:36.880 --> 00:56:41.519
We think that our life was normal until we realize that it wasn't normal.
00:56:41.679 --> 00:56:48.320
And we we normalize solutions based off of past trauma, past everything.
00:56:48.480 --> 00:56:52.559
You know, we we normalize solutions based off of low self-esteem.
00:56:52.719 --> 00:57:02.480
We normalize solutions based off of everything that happened into our life from the day we were born until the day we quit drinking.
00:57:02.719 --> 00:57:11.039
Everything that we did, we had to normalize, we had to make it look real, okay in our own minds so we could continue doing it.
00:57:11.280 --> 00:57:14.320
And then that's the cunning, baffling, and powerful part.
00:57:14.480 --> 00:57:15.360
It's progressive.
00:57:15.440 --> 00:57:20.559
You didn't start out as an alcoholic or an addict, it just progressed over time.
00:57:20.719 --> 00:57:30.480
And trauma happens over time, and more drinking and more drugs, and more of this, and more, more, more, more, more until suddenly, what happened?
00:57:30.639 --> 00:57:32.079
How did this not become normal?
00:57:32.239 --> 00:57:33.920
Why am I abnormal now?
00:57:34.079 --> 00:57:53.519
But I really like what you're talking about here with the guy that talked to you because the book tells me that um doctors and psychologists would love to be able to help us, but they cannot earn the trust that the person that another alcoholic talking to us can because they know what we've been through.
00:57:53.679 --> 00:57:57.840
And your guy being on heroin and you being on cocaine was the same thing.
00:57:58.079 --> 00:57:59.199
Drugs are drugs.
00:57:59.440 --> 00:58:10.719
And uh, and I'm sure I'm gonna get backlash for that, but you know, he was able to talk to you and you were actually able to listen, and that probably saved your life.
00:58:12.239 --> 00:58:18.159
I've had a lot of a lot of pouring into me that I didn't even know was being poured into me.
00:58:18.800 --> 00:58:26.079
And when we lose the idea that we think we know it all, it's a gift.
00:58:27.599 --> 00:58:31.039
It's we don't have to pretend that everything's okay.
00:58:31.199 --> 00:58:32.800
We don't have to wear a mask.
00:58:33.360 --> 00:58:35.519
I'm trying to learn more discretion now.
00:58:35.599 --> 00:58:47.440
I'm trying to see some different things like the like I told you, I recently had a breakdown and and this whole fire came up last F Friday on EMDR that that's when I stopped letting love in completely.
00:58:47.840 --> 00:58:56.719
And that's when I didn't even know that I had blame and that I had survivor's guilt, and that there was a lot of things in there that I had no d idea of.
00:58:56.960 --> 00:58:59.760
That was the biggest thing that I never knew about.
00:59:00.079 --> 00:59:05.039
But there's so many little things in our lives that happen all the time.
00:59:05.599 --> 00:59:12.719
And being able to share it out loud, when somebody's in recovery, you're talking about it right now, they get it.
00:59:12.960 --> 00:59:14.559
They get it, they can understand.
00:59:14.639 --> 00:59:21.119
And when somebody's been through something and they're able to reach you, uh God doesn't waste a pain.
00:59:21.199 --> 00:59:24.880
And the more that I can have, the disease of more is more God.
00:59:25.280 --> 00:59:31.039
And you know, the great commission is love God with all your heart, mind, body, and soul, and your neighbor as yourself.
00:59:31.199 --> 00:59:35.679
What I've learned this year in the last couple of months is self-compassion.
00:59:36.880 --> 00:59:38.480
It's TLC of self.
00:59:38.639 --> 00:59:44.239
And when if I'm giving myself this, what's happened is it's produced boundaries automatically.
00:59:44.800 --> 00:59:46.880
So I'm a terrible boundary setter.
00:59:47.039 --> 00:59:48.559
Boundaries are safety.
00:59:48.800 --> 00:59:54.559
You know, it's like when we're out in the disease, we're in the middle of the ocean and we tread water, we're gonna drown.
00:59:54.719 --> 01:00:05.280
So if somebody puts up a wall, sometimes that's tough love, sometimes it's love first, sometimes it's an it's an ear something where somebody is now holding onto the side of a pool.
01:00:05.519 --> 01:00:13.119
They can start to, they're not gonna die, but they have to keep um letting the walls come around so you can hold on.
01:00:13.280 --> 01:00:15.280
Let the things hold you in.
01:00:16.079 --> 01:00:22.960
I don't know if that makes sense to you, but out alone, it doesn't work at all, being alone.
01:00:23.119 --> 01:00:29.360
The things that we think we're ashamed of, we crave, we crave connection with others and push it away.
01:00:29.599 --> 01:00:41.039
We crave God but want to deny it, afraid of it, thinking that we're gonna be asked to do more than we're gonna be than we're able to do or become something we don't want to be when we really don't know what we're talking about.
01:00:41.280 --> 01:00:42.639
We just have a lot of fear.
01:00:42.719 --> 01:00:47.519
So talking about these things, to me, sharing is one of the most important things people can do.
01:00:47.679 --> 01:00:48.079
Share.
01:00:48.559 --> 01:00:49.039
Just share.
01:00:49.119 --> 01:00:58.800
I don't care what it is, being able to talk and to be listened to and heard and and people get it in recovery.
01:00:58.960 --> 01:01:04.320
I mean, my God, this recovery I've been able to take into other uh areas of my life.
01:01:04.639 --> 01:01:14.000
And what's happened is people open up and start talking to me all the time about a lot of different things because I know they're safe.
01:01:14.960 --> 01:01:16.159
I know they can.
01:01:18.000 --> 01:01:18.960
You're right.
01:01:20.880 --> 01:01:24.559
I love recovery, it's really hard sometimes.
01:01:24.719 --> 01:01:25.920
I never thought life was hard.
01:01:26.159 --> 01:01:27.599
Last couple years have been.
01:01:27.920 --> 01:01:28.639
But you know what?
01:01:28.800 --> 01:01:31.119
That breakdown into a breakthrough.
01:01:31.440 --> 01:01:34.800
If I was using, first of all, I never would have known any of this.
01:01:34.960 --> 01:01:38.239
More stuff would have piled on, I would have been dead long ago.
01:01:38.559 --> 01:01:46.960
Um so all of what happens in recovery is growing through things.
01:01:47.360 --> 01:01:50.320
I don't have to get over anything.
01:01:51.199 --> 01:01:55.920
Get through unless I wanted to get over something and like climb over it, I can climb over something.
01:01:56.159 --> 01:01:57.679
I don't have to get over anything.
01:01:58.320 --> 01:01:59.440
I can grow through it.
01:02:00.000 --> 01:02:06.480
And then God will put the people and the circumstances and the situations and all of the pieces in each day.
01:02:06.559 --> 01:02:10.320
And my favorite expression, let me you know, we've got gifts all day long.
01:02:10.400 --> 01:02:13.760
Sometimes it looks like a rock in the mud, sometimes it looks like a bow.
01:02:14.000 --> 01:02:19.519
Open your presence all day long in the present, in his presence.
01:02:20.480 --> 01:02:21.599
We got a gift.
01:02:21.840 --> 01:02:30.719
And lately, with all the crap that I've experienced, especially lately, it was really, really, really hard for a couple years.
01:02:30.960 --> 01:02:33.119
Um, and it almost broke me.
01:02:33.519 --> 01:02:35.280
Uh, that's that's in recovery.
01:02:35.440 --> 01:02:40.480
A lot of times that's when somebody will take their life or pick up or become a very angry, nasty person.
01:02:40.880 --> 01:02:49.440
So the solution is to be vulnerable and to speak and share and and just let help in.
01:02:49.920 --> 01:02:51.039
And it's there.
01:02:51.519 --> 01:02:55.840
There's more recovery and every single day, more God than there is disease.
01:02:56.880 --> 01:02:58.159
There always is.
01:02:58.880 --> 01:03:00.880
It doesn't feel like that a lot of times.
01:03:01.039 --> 01:03:02.880
It doesn't mean it feels right.
01:03:03.280 --> 01:03:04.000
It doesn't.
01:03:04.239 --> 01:03:05.760
It means we're going through some.
01:03:05.920 --> 01:03:07.599
I want a little plateau for a while.
01:03:07.679 --> 01:03:10.239
I'm I'm ready to not go through something again for a little while.
01:03:10.480 --> 01:03:10.880
Amen.
01:03:11.519 --> 01:03:12.400
Amen to that.
01:03:12.639 --> 01:03:14.159
Well, I have no choice on that.
01:03:14.239 --> 01:03:15.039
You know, I do.
01:03:15.119 --> 01:03:16.800
I can also push it away.
01:03:17.199 --> 01:03:28.719
You know, Judy, you are you're you're a great example of of, you know, that I'm a big proponent of long-term recovery is equivalent to long-term humility, right?
01:03:29.199 --> 01:03:30.400
And what is humility?
01:03:30.559 --> 01:03:32.239
Humility is asking for help.
01:03:32.480 --> 01:03:35.599
And I love you because you do, you, you ask for help.
01:03:35.760 --> 01:03:48.480
You go and you share and you talk and you try all the different uh, you know, things you can try, CR and EMDR and and things like that, you know, all the different programs.
01:03:48.559 --> 01:03:51.599
There's so many, you know, resources out there.
01:03:51.760 --> 01:03:55.039
That's something we were talking about right before uh we started.
01:03:55.199 --> 01:03:59.519
We're talking about all the resources out there that are available to people.
01:03:59.679 --> 01:04:01.360
They just gotta reach out, you know.
01:04:01.519 --> 01:04:05.360
If uh if if you're if you're struggling, reach out.
01:04:05.519 --> 01:04:10.880
Reach out to somebody, tell your story and and find out what resources are out there, right?
01:04:11.199 --> 01:04:13.840
Yeah, and everything has something for us.
01:04:13.920 --> 01:04:16.480
It's and nothing is everything.
01:04:18.639 --> 01:04:19.280
Right?
01:04:20.000 --> 01:04:21.039
Nothing is everything.
01:04:21.360 --> 01:04:22.159
Nothing is everything.
01:04:22.239 --> 01:04:24.159
Can I give leave you with one last thing?
01:04:24.480 --> 01:04:25.840
Absolutely, Judy.
01:04:26.000 --> 01:04:33.039
Yesterday I met with my therapist, and I thought we were gonna do our next EMDR session, and I uh feel a lot better since Friday.
01:04:33.119 --> 01:04:35.920
I've started to see some things that I hadn't before.
01:04:36.079 --> 01:04:40.400
So I'm really feeling good, like balanced, even though it's kind of all over the place.
01:04:40.719 --> 01:04:42.960
So she wanted to do a grounding exercise.
01:04:43.280 --> 01:04:45.760
A lot of this stuff is so simple, right?
01:04:45.920 --> 01:04:49.039
And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I grounding, whatever.
01:04:49.519 --> 01:04:50.320
Okay, sure.
01:04:50.559 --> 01:04:55.360
So she puts the little buzzers in my hands and she wanted me to go to my happy place.
01:04:55.519 --> 01:04:59.840
Not like I had never done that because what happy place.
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:00.719
Think of a beach.
01:05:00.880 --> 01:05:09.039
And she's like, Now I want you to think of something that would make you happy that there's no memories attached to.
01:05:10.639 --> 01:05:11.119
Right?
01:05:11.679 --> 01:05:15.119
So think it, think it, think it, and then I'm gonna go.
01:05:15.199 --> 01:05:16.239
Where where do I like to be?
01:05:16.320 --> 01:05:17.440
Okay, I like to be in the air.
01:05:17.599 --> 01:05:23.280
So I started thinking about when I used to talk about and how the guy that created zero airspeed.
01:05:23.360 --> 01:05:29.599
It's based on pitch, speed, rudders, ailerons, and the wind, right?
01:05:30.000 --> 01:05:31.360
So and height.
01:05:31.519 --> 01:05:38.719
But anyways, literally you can sus be suspended mid-air, okay, and literally zero airspeed.
01:05:39.119 --> 01:05:42.800
So you sit not not for long, but you can sit in the air.
01:05:43.039 --> 01:05:47.920
So then she said, Well, what is it would it be like to taste uh the wind?
01:05:48.320 --> 01:05:50.480
And I said, Well, I have to get out of the plane.
01:05:51.199 --> 01:05:55.760
And so I transformed that in my thing of being an eagle.
01:05:56.000 --> 01:05:59.519
Think of an eagle in the middle of the of the air.
01:06:00.159 --> 01:06:01.360
Not afraid of falling.
01:06:01.599 --> 01:06:02.000
Why?
01:06:02.239 --> 01:06:04.719
Comfortable in the way God made it, right?
01:06:05.119 --> 01:06:10.079
It's got the feathers, it's got the weight, it's got the wings, it's got the size, it's got the things.
01:06:10.239 --> 01:06:13.440
So an eagle can sit comfortably in the air.
01:06:13.519 --> 01:06:16.079
And he doesn't have to go, where am I going to get my food?
01:06:16.159 --> 01:06:17.920
Or what's this person saying about me?
01:06:18.000 --> 01:06:20.320
Or any of the little things that trip me up, right?
01:06:20.400 --> 01:06:22.320
Or, oh my God, did I do the right thing?
01:06:22.400 --> 01:06:23.199
Did I say too much?
01:06:23.360 --> 01:06:26.880
He's just sitting there going, I think I'm hungry.
01:06:27.039 --> 01:06:30.239
And he looks around and goes, oh, nothing over there.
01:06:30.320 --> 01:06:31.119
I'm going to go over there.
01:06:31.199 --> 01:06:32.639
And he goes and gets himself some food.
01:06:32.719 --> 01:06:35.039
And then he thinks, oh, the kids need some food.
01:06:35.199 --> 01:06:46.719
You know, so he gets to go about and do his day, totally comfortable in who he is, knowing that the wind and that God and all of the things already have him and he can take care of his business.
01:06:46.960 --> 01:06:50.159
So it's like, oh my God, I can be an eagle.
01:06:50.400 --> 01:06:53.840
I can imagine an eagle of what that feels like.
01:06:53.920 --> 01:06:58.000
So now I want to research eagles because I'm a good addict alcoholic.
01:06:58.079 --> 01:07:01.039
I'm going to really get into it and love it.
01:07:01.199 --> 01:07:03.920
I've done it with gardens in recovery, right?
01:07:04.079 --> 01:07:07.119
The seed planted in the ground is hard.
01:07:07.760 --> 01:07:09.920
What makes that seed break?
01:07:10.159 --> 01:07:14.800
A lot of rain will soften that seed, and what'll happen is it'll open into the ground.
01:07:14.880 --> 01:07:17.280
It's going to automatically start going up to the sun, right?
01:07:17.440 --> 01:07:18.800
And that's where your garden starts.
01:07:18.960 --> 01:07:20.000
That's recovery.
01:07:20.639 --> 01:07:25.280
Sometimes it's in that ground and there's no rain for so long, and then the rocks will break it.
01:07:25.440 --> 01:07:26.480
And that hurts.
01:07:26.800 --> 01:07:30.000
But at some point there's going to be some growth.
01:07:30.320 --> 01:07:33.119
So there's a lot of metaphors about things.
01:07:33.199 --> 01:07:34.239
There's a lot of things that we can do.
01:07:34.559 --> 01:07:35.360
I love a metaphor.
01:07:35.519 --> 01:07:37.039
Yep, and a good analogy.
01:07:37.199 --> 01:07:37.760
I love it.
01:07:38.000 --> 01:07:40.639
We have created seed.
01:07:41.280 --> 01:07:41.679
Yeah.
01:07:42.079 --> 01:07:42.800
A good one.
01:07:43.360 --> 01:07:45.440
And then then think about the garden growing.
01:07:45.519 --> 01:07:46.559
You gotta weed it.
01:07:46.960 --> 01:07:52.400
If you get the perennials, which I used to like, you can take a lawnmower and go right over them, and they'll be back next year.
01:07:52.880 --> 01:07:55.599
Sometimes you just gotta take the mower over it.
01:07:56.400 --> 01:07:57.039
I love it.
01:07:57.280 --> 01:08:00.880
That was a lot easier than planting new ones every year.
01:08:02.800 --> 01:08:04.239
Unless you like to.
01:08:05.440 --> 01:08:08.559
The world's our oyster and we're creative.
01:08:09.039 --> 01:08:24.319
And all the little brain cells that have blown up since from drugs and alcohol and all the things, the one pathway that doesn't change is that if I pick up a drink, it's opening a legion of demons.
01:08:25.039 --> 01:08:28.560
Okay, it's not it my body will crave it.
01:08:28.960 --> 01:08:31.279
I don't make the acetone or whatever it is, right?
01:08:31.359 --> 01:08:33.359
I don't metabolize like a normal drinker.
01:08:33.760 --> 01:08:36.319
So uh what's the difference between that and diabetes?
01:08:36.560 --> 01:08:36.720
Right?
01:08:36.800 --> 01:08:38.079
You can parallel this stuff.
01:08:38.159 --> 01:08:40.239
So there's nothing wrong with being an alcoholic.
01:08:40.399 --> 01:08:41.199
So what?
01:08:41.840 --> 01:08:42.960
So I have alcoholism.
01:08:43.119 --> 01:08:44.159
Big deal.
01:08:44.479 --> 01:08:45.840
Now we're we're smarter.
01:08:46.000 --> 01:08:46.800
We're we're smarter.
01:08:47.439 --> 01:08:51.199
I haven't met a below average person in recovery.
01:08:51.359 --> 01:08:57.680
I think when we're using it that's the that's the that's the biggest takeaway that everybody should always take away.
01:08:57.760 --> 01:08:59.199
Yeah, life is gonna happen.
01:08:59.359 --> 01:09:00.399
Life is gonna happen.
01:09:00.479 --> 01:09:03.760
It's not always gonna be rainbows and butterflies.
01:09:03.920 --> 01:09:11.359
Um but as long as I don't pick up, as long as I don't drink, as long as I don't use, I've got a chance.
01:09:11.600 --> 01:09:14.239
And Judy, thanks for telling us that today.
01:09:14.399 --> 01:09:16.560
And thanks for being here, and thank you for sharing.
01:09:16.640 --> 01:09:17.359
We love you so much.
01:09:17.520 --> 01:09:23.119
And uh and anybody who loves Judy, you're gonna show you'll see her again with us.
01:09:23.199 --> 01:09:23.760
That's for certain.
01:09:24.159 --> 01:09:25.279
We're gonna do a part two.
01:09:25.920 --> 01:09:26.319
Yeah.
01:09:26.479 --> 01:09:27.119
Uh good.
01:09:27.439 --> 01:09:32.239
But Judy, thank you for uh for being here with us and sharing with us.
01:09:32.399 --> 01:09:37.039
And uh thank you everyone for for for tuning in and listening.
01:09:37.279 --> 01:09:40.319
Um and we'll see you next time.