Chapter 12 - Hot N Cold

Thursday, November 4th, 2021

My heart feels so heavy; it’s beats seem irregular. I’m so sad.

Last night, after Joffrey told me he’d do anything, that he knows what he needs to do now, that he was sorry, that he knows he’s been lacking in our relationship, and selfish…

I didn’t just immediately say I’d give him another chance. He knew where my head was at and I knew where his was, and I was glad to hear he loved me so much, but we’re not going to change overnight, that we could talk it through in therapy.

He brought me a note I’d written to him about how great he is and how he’s grown – how much I love him. He says he keeps it for when he’s sad, and I told him I still feel that way – that we could still love each other, but take time to part, and I believe it would be a good thing for our relationship – a mature, beautiful thing.

He came downstairs angry this time. I told him Bryce and Elena broke up once and got back together. “Well, were they living together, and did Bryce get kicked out?”

He asked if I lied when I said things were good then? I gently responded, “No, we’re really good at being happy.”

I asked him if he still wanted to watch Normal People with me. He answered by telling me I wanted to live a fantasy.

He told me I was giving up. That this was the same as his last relationship. That this is normal in relationships. That we need to get better at fighting, and I need to match his level. He told me that I was being condescending when I was just listening. He tried to control my calm reactions and got upset when I sighed and said I was rolling my eyes, but I feel like I wasn’t.

“You want me to act like you?” Sits down and impersonates me.

Says I’m acting like my mom, and he immediately regretted that one with a dismissive laugh.

Continues to tell me how I feel about him – you’re talking down to me. You think I’m an idiot. You don’t have compassion right now. I expect him to react perfectly – I was just listening and allowing him to react however, with empathy. I tried not to answer to his complaints unless he asked a direct question. And I just expressed how I felt.

He asked if it were a joke to me.

Said the way I talked to him about Elliot and then apologized, saying I was on my period – that was good communication. He hasn’t talked to Elliot much since – he heard me, though he never told me he did. He left me feeling bad.

Said we had bad communication, not him, we. Said I had bad communication in all of this. That I went away and didn’t try to talk to him. He wanted me to have told him earlier on Tuesday, even though I had expressed to him my process, so he could’ve fixed this then and gotten ahead of it instead of picking up the scraps. I blindsided him. I can’t just do this.

He didn’t like how I accidentally drove to my old work in Sherman Oaks on the way to Rita’s in North Hollywood instead of talking to him. In this, I wish he’d had empathy that I must’ve been so upset to make that mistake and that this is hard for me too.

He defended his reaction to Dune again and defined it as me starting a fight about something he was passionate about and making it difficult for him. Declared he handled it well.

Attacked my understanding of social harmony again in uninviting Voldemort. Said I was making him do it. But I never was or did. He said, “You told me you would tell him? You didn’t say that!” And I didn’t, I said I wasn’t making him do anything and Voldemort would understand.

Then, he attacked my relationship with Voldemort and compared how well he knew them and asked if I knew specific things about them, which I did. But he never communicated to me calmly about how he felt in the situation. I’d have been understanding.

When I was hurt he said, “What did I say? Tell me what I said wrong? Explain it to me.” I can’t keep teaching him.

He was only concerned with how hard it is for him and with what I needed to do. I get that he’s thinking of himself right now and that this is a lot, so I’m trying to have grace, but he doesn’t handle high stress or low stress well and he thinks his reactions are appropriate. I want someone who can work through their feelings, and be considerate of their partner’s when they’re upset.

He didn’t say I was overreacting, but that’s how he was trying to make me feel. It felt like he was setting a trap – trying to catch me in a lie. Even though he apologized earlier, it seemed like he wanted to make it my fault somehow. I didn’t want to assign blame, but before this in the bedroom, I told him it wasn’t my fault in reaction to something, and he said I was the one doing it.

Earlier, when I tried to talk about why I was feeling this way, he accused me of holding grudges again. “You’re bringing up stuff from two years ago. It’s resolved!” I’d previously said we didn’t resolve things in the past – some things just hurt me and some things are still happening now. He gave me counter examples of how he’s good now.

He was mad he’d have to go into work feeling like this. Him, him, him. I’m his emotional support in this, but is there any evidence of any from him in all of this? Any respect? Or sincere understanding?

Before he got mad, he kept asking me what to do – I told him I can’t figure that out for him. That he should call the therapy planning/problem-solving line and confide in a friend – they’d want to be there for him. But he just wanted to talk to me.

I started Normal People, and he went upstairs.

He cried a lot in bed last night.

It’s hard for me to imagine us getting back together or loving him when he’s mean. He tried to tell me Ramy gave him a fun idea for a date for us and that it was a surprise. I can’t even think about that now. He is mean, then he feels bad so he’s nice to move past it, doesn’t apologize, and if I don’t apologize for him or move past it, he’s mean again.

I insisted he start looking for a place.

I don’t think this is normal or just new territory at the five year mark. I think this is bad. Not out of nowhere. That I’m great at communicating and he needs to fix this himself away from me because I can’t do it anymore.

Katy said she feels like when people don’t know how to communicate they just default to attacking the other person however they can.

She shared some similarities with her and her ex. It feels good to know that I’m not the only one who’s gone through this – that I’m going to be okay on the other side.

My feelings are valid. I’m making the right and necessary move for myself for what feels like the first time. Maybe he’ll grow to see it and one day we can be together again when he’s more mature. Or maybe he won’t. Either way, I’ll be okay.

Last night when I said I still want to do our YouTube channel, he laughed and said, “Do you know what you’re asking?” It’s okay if he needs a clean break – I just feel like I’m losing my work too. Probably why I, and his friends, were hesitant to give our work to him in the first place.

I thought he was playing love songs for me last night while I was in the shower before our talk – “Turn Back Time” by Travis Baker and “9 to 5 (love me),” but I guess he didn’t know what was playing. Maybe I’ve just been looking for the romance and it’s not actually there. He hung up the vines, and I thought it was romantic, but that could’ve just been for him. My love language is gifts, but I feel like I don’t get any gifts that really show me his love, or words of affirmation. He does things around the house, but that’s just something you do.

When we were going to the Dells recently to meet Jules, my old roomie, he made it very stressful for me by not planning his work schedule in advance. And we all wanted to do Wizard’s Quest, but he whined so much about it.

Also, how did he not see this coming when I told him I was thinking about breaking up with him when we were leaving the Haunted Hayride? I guess he thought I was joking. I wasn’t really considering it at the time, but I was thinking about it. If I heard my partner say that, I’d want to explore it. While we were in line, all I could think about was writing a fictional novel about what it’d be like for a young woman in Hollywood who had to split up with her partner – it wasn’t like this. How would her friends treat her?

I think the gaslighting video was actually recommended on my YouTube channel, not his.

He wouldn’t look at me all morning and we didn’t talk. Before leaving for work he asked me to move his clothes to the dryer as he grabbed a pillow and blanket. I asked why, and if he was staying somewhere. He just said so he could sleep and left. I cried.

I just reread all of this and I feel better.

For my birthday this year, all I wanted was a love letter, so I could know how he felt about me; he’s never put it on paper. I didn’t get that, but he did give me a really sweet card:

Hey babe, I’m so lucky to have you in my corner. At the end of the day, your opinion is the only one that matters to me. I love you so much, and I can’t wait to continue our quest for Hollywood domination. You are, and have always been, MY DREAM GIRL.

Love, Joffrey

I cried when I read it because he doesn’t say that stuff often.

I have to remember that I’m doing this because of how he treats me when we’re not this good.

He told me last night that he felt the same as I do now when he was thinking of breaking up with me, but if I could just hang on, we’ll come out stronger and happier.

I want to believe him so badly, but he hasn’t been listening, understanding, or respectful of my feelings in all of this. I can’t keep waiting for him to grow. He hasn’t grown here.