Don Fanelli:
[0:14] This is Motherfly. Three pairs of improvisers. They were all improvising a short scene starting with the same two lines that I am secretly messaging them right before we start recording so they can't pre-plan anything. They don't know each other's lines. They're hearing them for the first time when you're hearing them.
Don Fanelli:
[0:30] And remember, you can influence a whole show. If you have two lines that you want to see our guests start with, just send them over to me. You can DM me on Instagram, Motherfly the Pod, or you can email me the lines, Motherfly the Pod at gmail.com. I'm starting to get some in I'm starting to implement some of these They're very funny So I want to hear from you I've been doing this, I'm tired I'm recording this at night guys, I'm tired So send me your first
Don Fanelli:
[0:56] two lines I'm also traveling right now So I'm just going to keep these intros short and sweet We got another alumni episode We're starting off with my friends From episode one If you haven't listened to episode one, go check it out It's Abby Jacobson and Darcy Cardin uh abby writer actress producer co-creator of broad city and a league of their own the voice of bean and disenchantment and katie and the mitchells versus the machines uh you saw her on the series no good deed on netflix and now she's rocking out the new season of the comeback on hbo darcy carden i mean let's go the good place barry league of their own handmaid's tale nobody wants this loot uh voicing characters on american dad clone high crapopolis currently starring with will forte and sunny nights go check that out on hulu
Don Fanelli:
[1:45] they're the best let's get to it it's abby and darcy doing our first mutter.
Abbi Jacobson:
[1:54] I love making brownies with you
D'Arcy Carden:
[1:58] I'm just a fat old ghost
Abbi Jacobson:
[2:03] No. Come on.
D'Arcy Carden:
[2:05] No, I mean, just admit it. Let's just call a spade a spade. And that's why I love these cookies.
Abbi Jacobson:
[2:11] Yes. Brownies. Today, brownies. Today, it's brownies.
D'Arcy Carden:
[2:15] Oh. Wait, hold on. It's brownies.
Abbi Jacobson:
[2:18] Yeah. I love – No,
D'Arcy Carden:
[2:19] But wait, wait, wait, wait.
Mary Holland:
[2:22] I come here every day for the cookies.
Abbi Jacobson:
[2:24] I know. Okay. So I had a new recipe. I know you love the cookies, but this is a recipe for brownies. You seem upset.
D'Arcy Carden:
[2:38] This house, I come and love this house because the woman who used to live here before you, she would make cookies for her kids every day and send them to school. And then it was very sad because they grew up and they left the house. And so she kept making, oh, I dropped my earring. She kept making the cookies.
Abbi Jacobson:
[3:00] I don't understand how those earrings stay on your little ghost ears.
D'Arcy Carden:
[3:04] I wore them my whole living life. And so I died in them. And so they fell off in my living life and they fall off. Anyway, I found this house because she made the cookies. And then when you've got the house, I thought you made an agreement to make the cookies.
Abbi Jacobson:
[3:24] I do. I also love making cookies with you. But I have to say, I'm not like, okay, I have to just be honest. I'm trying to make a move to maybe some healthier options. And I thought we could start with brownies with Greek yogurt instead of butter and milk.
Mary Holland:
[3:50] Hey hey hey hey hey
Abbi Jacobson:
[3:52] Hey bertha bertha bertha bertha bertha bertha bertha bertha bertha bertha bertha hey bertha you you just it's bertha it
D'Arcy Carden:
[4:04] Is bertha every
Abbi Jacobson:
[4:05] Day i tell you bertha you you sort of turned into like a demon all of a sudden and i haven't seen that before you you flames i saw flames and and and like monster eyes and you've just you've just sort have been like a sweet, fat old ghost, and all of a sudden you were like really like a scary demon, and I can't have that in my house, okay? I can't have that in my house.
D'Arcy Carden:
[4:30] You seem to not understand the power dynamic here. I come. I come here. Verta comes here to haunt you. You have to control. So I come for the cookies. I understand you want to be healthy. Your living soul doesn't understand that. That doesn't matter. And I'm here for the cookies. So cookies or you don't want to knock.
Abbi Jacobson:
[4:58] Would you hurt me? and my family? Berta. Berta. Berta.
D'Arcy Carden:
[5:07] Listen, maybe What? I don't want to hurt you, okay? I don't want to hurt you, okay? This is just, this is who I am and this is the rule. These are the rules of the universe.
Abbi Jacobson:
[5:27] There's no room for improvement. You don't want to better yourself. You don't want to live a healthier life or die a healthy, I don't know what you call it, live a healthier death?
D'Arcy Carden:
[5:37] There's no, this body of mine, it's safe. So me eating healthy is not a thing. So I'm all about the taste. I'm all about the butter. And really, I'm all about hanging on to a thing that was in my life, which was the cookies. So you have a choice. Do you care so much about losing weight?
Abbi Jacobson:
[6:11] I guess, I guess, no, I mean, no, I understand. I understand. You're making it really clear that it doesn't, it's not about that. It's not about losing. It's about the joy you had in life. It's about experiencing that every day.
D'Arcy Carden:
[6:28] And so don't you feel in talking it out, the joy in life is maybe you eating the cookies?
Abbi Jacobson:
[6:36] Yeah. And maybe you're right. But I have to say, just if you get angry like that again, where you sort of like turn into a demon face and flames come out of your feet, I'm going to press the button under my desk and the cops will come. Okay. And I don't know if cops can do anything to a fat old ghost.
Mary Holland:
[7:03] Sorry.
Abbi Jacobson:
[7:04] To an old ghost, to a ghost, to a ghost person.
D'Arcy Carden:
[7:07] I can say I'm fat. You can't.
Abbi Jacobson:
[7:14] I'm pressing the button. I'm pressing the button. I'm pressing the button. I'm pressing the button.
Don Fanelli:
[7:20] Thanks, Ab. Thanks, Darce. Next up, we got Mary Holland and Sean Diston. Check them out in episode seven, if you haven't heard it yet. And you'll also hear the, uh, the origin story of how distant and I really met, I would say, because it lives on the internet forever. So go check that out. Uh, distant performs with Devin field, Devin and distant, uh, every fourth Wednesday, uh, of the month at UCB in Los Angeles. Uh, he's written for shows like twisted metal, Fairfax, woke Robbie and grand crew. You've heard them a million times on comedy. Bang, bang, Mary Holland, And the best of the best, the nicest of the nicest his, his, okay? And as I said last time, got a thousand IMDb credits, okay? Talking Ghosts, The After Party, History of the World Part 2, The Big Door Prize, Beavis and Butthead, Bob's Burgers, the list goes on. Of course, she's rocking out The Prov whenever she can. And you might be able to see her on Little House on A Little Prairie this summer on Netflix, okay? All right, let's get to our second mutter with Sean Diston and Mary Holland.
Mary Holland:
[8:29] I love making brownies with you.
Shaun Diston:
[8:33] I'm just a fat old ghost. I mean.
Mary Holland:
[8:39] Don't say that. Don't dad. Dad, don't say that.
Shaun Diston:
[8:42] I'm a fat old ghost. But I accept my place in the ghost kingdom. Now, I'm going to keep sort of working behind you. You think you're making the brownies, but I'm actually behind you sort of like the movie Ghost, helping you make the brownies in my old recipe.
Mary Holland:
[8:59] Dad.
Shaun Diston:
[9:00] They're called fat brownies.
Mary Holland:
[9:06] What? No, I know they are. And, you know, I hope you're not offended that I don't label them like that in the bakery. It's fine. Because I think that would be a little off-putting to the customers.
Shaun Diston:
[9:21] I know they're called fat brownies. When the ghosts come in to get the brownies, they know they're called fat brownies.
Mary Holland:
[9:27] I did want to talk to you about just kind of having an open-door policy with the other ghosts that you live with.
Shaun Diston:
[9:35] Well, you don't really need an open door. The ghosts can go right through the door. It's kind of a just open-wall policy.
Mary Holland:
[9:41] Yeah. Can we revise that? Speaking of my business, that's also harming my business. I got written up as one of the most haunted bakeries in the United States, and there's only like two. on that list because it's not
Shaun Diston:
[9:58] A very exclusive i mean to me that feels like a positive no people don't all those goth kids come in and they always want to buy stuff they're always looking for chocolate chip cookies i mean you're the number one bakery for goths yeah
Mary Holland:
[10:10] But i'm hoping to do more like you know weddings and like that kind of thing i don't i don't you know when did you when did you
Shaun Diston:
[10:17] Become not goth
Mary Holland:
[10:19] Um, when I turned 12.
Shaun Diston:
[10:23] Okay, I remember a cute little Susan at 11. I put her on black lipstick, wearing black clothes.
Mary Holland:
[10:30] Yes. Well, I thought I was a witch, you know.
Shaun Diston:
[10:34] You were a witch. You were a little witch. Why do you think I'm here?
Mary Holland:
[10:37] You know what? Part of me thinks this is, I'm disassociating, honestly. I don't know. I don't know if you're actually here.
Shaun Diston:
[10:46] I am here. And let me tell you something. I could settle my unfinished business and move on to the other plane.
Mary Holland:
[10:53] What is your unfinished business, by the way? You won't communicate. I could help you, Dad. I could help you move on.
Shaun Diston:
[10:59] I'm not even interested in finding out. I can be here and spend all this time with my daughter helping her make brownies. I don't even care about my unfinished business. Yeah, it might be getting revenge on the guy who pushed me off the Empire State Building. But I just- I thought you fell.
Don Fanelli:
[11:15] Yeah.
Shaun Diston:
[11:16] Oh, you thought I fell? Oh, no.
Mary Holland:
[11:18] Dad?
Shaun Diston:
[11:19] No, I was pushed off. I thought I told you I was pushed off the Empire State Building.
Mary Holland:
[11:23] Oh, my God.
Shaun Diston:
[11:25] I was up there giving one of my tours.
Mary Holland:
[11:27] I know.
Shaun Diston:
[11:28] You think I would fall off the Empire State Building, and my job is to give tours up there?
Mary Holland:
[11:32] I know. You're right. You're right. I should have questioned it immediately. I was just so stricken with grief. Who pushed you off? Was it? I could get revenge on them.
Shaun Diston:
[11:41] It's not important. It's not important.
Mary Holland:
[11:42] Or I can, like, you know, at least file a complaint or something.
Shaun Diston:
[11:46] I don't think it's that important. What's important to me is that we're making fat brownies. We're making chubby cookies. We're making rotund cakes. And your bakery business is thriving in the supernatural community.
Mary Holland:
[12:00] It's struggling a little. Well, yes, but exactly. Ghosts don't actually eat. Like, I just come in in the morning and there's just trays on the floor, but nothing's actually eaten. Are they not paying you? No, they're not paying me.
Shaun Diston:
[12:14] I told, oh my God. I told them if they go in there and they make any trouble, they rattle around any plates, they get any baked goods on the ground, they got to leave you some ghost bucks.
Mary Holland:
[12:24] And where am I going to spend that money, dad? That's not going to translate into any kind of equity for me, you know?
Shaun Diston:
[12:31] Okay, but you know how they say you can't take stuff with you after you die?
Mary Holland:
[12:36] I have heard that, yeah.
Shaun Diston:
[12:37] You have heard that. this is kind of like you would be you have a savings account in the afterlife so when you die you'll kind of be rich it's kind of like a retirement after death that
Mary Holland:
[12:49] Actually sounds like pretty
Shaun Diston:
[12:50] It's not bad like you're not making any money now but you're putting away money your nest egg for when you're dead i'm broke as a ghost are
Mary Holland:
[12:59] You yeah are you can i are you okay Like, where are you staying? Where do you stay?
Shaun Diston:
[13:07] Where do I stay? I sleep at the foot of your bed. Oh, dad. And I'll be honest. I'm going to have to ask you to stop having sex with your husband.
Mary Holland:
[13:16] Dad! It's gross! We can stop sleeping at the foot of my bed like a puppy!
Shaun Diston:
[13:21] What else am I supposed to sleep?
Mary Holland:
[13:23] God, go sleep in! I don't know! Go sleep in! You can sleep anywhere! You can sleep at the Eiffel Tower! My God, you're a ghost, Dad!
Shaun Diston:
[13:29] Sleep on the Eiffel Tower? I'm just an old fat ghost. You think if I sleep on the Eiffel Tower, it's just going to puncture me?
Mary Holland:
[13:36] Please don't talk negatively about yourself even in the afterlife, okay?
Shaun Diston:
[13:40] Okay, but here's the thing. being fat in the afterlife is like a badge of honor like i i live a life of excess yeah okay i don't have any money but i eat all the ghost baked goods i want anytime a brownie falls on the ground it goes into the it's dead so it comes into the afterlife oh
Mary Holland:
[14:01] God this is There's so many. No, Dad, I didn't know that.
Shaun Diston:
[14:08] That's why I say like when you make brownies, throw a couple on the ground, throw them in the trash.
Mary Holland:
[14:12] I do every time. And my husband's always asking me why I'm doing that. And I tell him, and Dad, honestly, this is causing a rift in my marriage. You know, because you only appearing to me and only me being able to see you. And like my husband doesn't think any of this is real. He really thinks I'm starting to lose it. And maybe I am. Maybe I am.
Shaun Diston:
[14:34] No, you're not losing it, honey. You're not losing it. What do you want me to do? Do you want me to leave me alone? No, I can't leave you alone.
Don Fanelli:
[14:45] Thank you, Mary. Thank you, Distin. Last up, they are back, and they're crazier than ever, okay? It's the delectable Cuckoo, Aaron Jackson, and Josh Sharp. Check them out in episode four if you haven't already. I guess Aaron might as well be a series regular at this point. of these on like every other episode which i think is very wonderful i think josh needs to be on this more okay and as i've said many times these two gents they were a little sketch show back at the ucb theater a long time ago it was called fucking identical twins but it became a movie called dicks the musical starring nathan lane and megan mulally it's amazing uh josh just finished up a nice little run across the pond in london his show ta-da aaron i think is doing a show called weird girl songs at joe's pub april 21st um so and they're they're performing together whenever they can uh but let's jump in to this wonderful world of josh sharp
Don Fanelli:
[15:44] and aaron jackson okay it's our final mutter.
Josh Sharp:
[15:51] I love making brownies with you.
Aaron Jackson:
[15:54] I'm just a fat old ghost.
Josh Sharp:
[15:58] Oh, honey, come on. You are not. You can still get out there and you can meet a man just because you're divorced doesn't mean you're invisible to men.
Aaron Jackson:
[16:06] No, honey. I'm a fat old ghost. The dating scene is over. I might as well eat this whole body. I'm going to eat the old brownies by myself. I'm a fat, dumb cow.
Josh Sharp:
[16:17] No, you are not. And when you are my plus one to this PTA fundraiser, you're going to meet all sorts of single dads. I'm telling you, ever since that awful illness swept through town, a lot of the dads have dead wives and they're looking for new ones.
Aaron Jackson:
[16:32] A lot of the dads have dead wives?
Josh Sharp:
[16:35] Yes you're gonna be meeting so many people at the pta fundraiser darling that's why i'm taking you yeah the
Aaron Jackson:
[16:40] Horrible illness the horrible illness that took my jerry as well
Josh Sharp:
[16:44] Absolute absolute so don't worry sweetie there's a lot of singles looking to mingle you're really
Aaron Jackson:
[16:49] Sweet you're really supportive do you think it's because of all your kids you have all
Josh Sharp:
[16:54] I think so i think yes i think ever since i think ever since i had um a sextet and then a septet bringing me a total of 13 children but all it's given me a just
Aaron Jackson:
[17:06] Only two labors but you have
Josh Sharp:
[17:08] Two labors 13 kids oh boys i just think it's giving i think it's giving me a great deal of empathy and understanding always all
Aaron Jackson:
[17:19] Everyone calls you darla the dalmatian because you had kids like a dog just pumped him out honey we love
Josh Sharp:
[17:25] You i know and don't forget my spots um that's true your spot is awful skin condition together i
Aaron Jackson:
[17:33] Never even put that together i thought it was because you
Josh Sharp:
[17:35] I know read
Aaron Jackson:
[17:36] Like a dog
Josh Sharp:
[17:37] Well you sound lonely so lonely i know beth i know but listen we're gonna get you out there tonight and you're gonna meet some folks all
Aaron Jackson:
[17:49] Right come on let's go get my car
Josh Sharp:
[17:53] Okay all right well hold on we gotta get the brownies out oh my
Aaron Jackson:
[17:56] God this is just like no to let the whole house burn down i'm such a fucking idiot i was ready to go god i'm stupid
Josh Sharp:
[18:05] No you got i should just put
Aaron Jackson:
[18:06] My head in the oven i should put my head in the oven and die
Josh Sharp:
[18:11] Beth no you can't do that no the world the world would be lesser without you in it i'm telling you i'm not so sure Are you kidding? Are you kidding? This town needs you. They need you.
Aaron Jackson:
[18:26] Yeah.
Josh Sharp:
[18:26] Darling, you're the only one who can sing in this whole town. Are you kidding? Think of the Fourth of July without you.
Aaron Jackson:
[18:31] I know.
Josh Sharp:
[18:32] You sing in the Star Spangled Banner when those fireworks go off. This town wouldn't know what to do without that.
Aaron Jackson:
[18:37] I do it every year, every year since I was a little girl.
Josh Sharp:
[18:40] I know. I love this country. I love this town. And I love you, Beth. So we're going to get you out there.
Aaron Jackson:
[18:46] All right. You have so much strength in me. let's get the i
Josh Sharp:
[18:51] Know i know
Aaron Jackson:
[18:51] I'm starving let's get them out
Josh Sharp:
[18:55] They're ready they're ready let me just wrap them in foil and then we can get in your car all right great shall we go to the car yeah we're in okay i
Aaron Jackson:
[19:06] Started it it's a convertible
Josh Sharp:
[19:09] I know honey you got a lot of money from that big hit single you did so many years ago yeah yep
Aaron Jackson:
[19:16] The single was called my country tis of she and it was the girl power americana song that went really popular
Josh Sharp:
[19:25] Sold like hot cakes
Aaron Jackson:
[19:27] Like hot brownies
Josh Sharp:
[19:30] Oh you're so funny too bad oh my god well um well here we are at the school we're my god
Aaron Jackson:
[19:38] Thank god i was so sure i crashed this car and wrap ourselves around a damn tree because I'm such a klutz, but we made it.
Josh Sharp:
[19:45] No, don't be hard on yourself just because you've done that seven or eight times. Seven or eight cars. It could happen to any girl.
Aaron Jackson:
[19:52] Wrapped around a tree.
Josh Sharp:
[19:54] My God. You're lucky my country tis if she sold so well. Every time you wrap a car, I go, well, at least it happened to Beth. She can afford another easy breeze.
Aaron Jackson:
[20:01] I can, I can. I don't even insure them anymore. It doesn't even matter. Yeah. I just pay full price. That's good.
Josh Sharp:
[20:08] Save money. Save money. Save money. Ooh, look at all these hot widowed studs, Beth. You see anybody to your liking?
Aaron Jackson:
[20:18] God, they're all so oily and handsome. I'm scared. I'm finding myself scared.
Josh Sharp:
[20:24] Yeah, right before us, we're a little late. Right before us, they did a greased daddy competition to raise money for the school.
Aaron Jackson:
[20:31] Why didn't we come to that?
Josh Sharp:
[20:32] They greased up the daddies and they had them all. I know we were running late because of these brownies I cooked
Aaron Jackson:
[20:37] Them wrong on slow god I hate
Josh Sharp:
[20:40] I know I know don't be hard on yourself but it's okay because now we're getting here just in time these daddies are all riled up from wrestling they're slicked up from the oil slippery from
Aaron Jackson:
[20:49] These wet dads
Josh Sharp:
[20:50] Be careful I could
Aaron Jackson:
[20:52] Crack my head open on this damn
Josh Sharp:
[20:54] Floor you gotta be careful you gotta be extra careful my god
Aaron Jackson:
[20:59] And we're in heels of course
Josh Sharp:
[21:02] Well absolutely heels on our feet and on our hands so yeah don't be afraid to get on all fours and walk if that makes it more stable oh my god
Aaron Jackson:
[21:10] I mean you're such a whore darla i
Josh Sharp:
[21:12] Know how you think it's 13 kids but only two dads different dad for each of my broods
Don Fanelli:
[21:30] Thank you, Josh. Thank you, Aaron. And thank you to all my guests. Go check out Darcy Carden right now on Hulu. She's in Sunny Nights and Abby Jacobson is in The Comeback on HBO. Mary Holland's on Ghosts on CBS and Little House on the Prairie this summer on Netflix. Check out Sean Distin and Devin Field. Distin and Devin, Devin and Distin at the UCB Theater in L.A. Distin has a podcast with Scott Arkerman. it's called scott hasn't seen uh you can check out aaron jackson and josh sharp their movie dicks the musical and aaron's show weird girl songs is going to be at joe's pub on april 21st thanks to seth and newge for the music and the art if you want to submit your own first two lines i highly encourage it okay it'll be used in a future episode dm me at butterfly the pod on instagram email butterfly the pod at gmail.com or you can call or text 657-222-1324 a new episode butterfly next thursday go check it out that's it for me i'm don finale i'm traveling so i gotta go bye.
[0:14] This is Motherfly. Three pairs of improvisers. They were all improvising a short scene starting with the same two lines that I am secretly messaging them right before we start recording so they can't pre-plan anything. They don't know each other's lines. They're hearing them for the first time when you're hearing them.
Don Fanelli:
[0:30] And remember, you can influence a whole show. If you have two lines that you want to see our guests start with, just send them over to me. You can DM me on Instagram, Motherfly the Pod, or you can email me the lines, Motherfly the Pod at gmail.com. I'm starting to get some in I'm starting to implement some of these They're very funny So I want to hear from you I've been doing this, I'm tired I'm recording this at night guys, I'm tired So send me your first
Don Fanelli:
[0:56] two lines I'm also traveling right now So I'm just going to keep these intros short and sweet We got another alumni episode We're starting off with my friends From episode one If you haven't listened to episode one, go check it out It's Abby Jacobson and Darcy Cardin uh abby writer actress producer co-creator of broad city and a league of their own the voice of bean and disenchantment and katie and the mitchells versus the machines uh you saw her on the series no good deed on netflix and now she's rocking out the new season of the comeback on hbo darcy carden i mean let's go the good place barry league of their own handmaid's tale nobody wants this loot uh voicing characters on american dad clone high crapopolis currently starring with will forte and sunny nights go check that out on hulu
Don Fanelli:
[1:45] they're the best let's get to it it's abby and darcy doing our first mutter.
Abbi Jacobson:
[1:54] I love making brownies with you
D'Arcy Carden:
[1:58] I'm just a fat old ghost
Abbi Jacobson:
[2:03] No. Come on.
D'Arcy Carden:
[2:05] No, I mean, just admit it. Let's just call a spade a spade. And that's why I love these cookies.
Abbi Jacobson:
[2:11] Yes. Brownies. Today, brownies. Today, it's brownies.
D'Arcy Carden:
[2:15] Oh. Wait, hold on. It's brownies.
Abbi Jacobson:
[2:18] Yeah. I love – No,
D'Arcy Carden:
[2:19] But wait, wait, wait, wait.
Mary Holland:
[2:22] I come here every day for the cookies.
Abbi Jacobson:
[2:24] I know. Okay. So I had a new recipe. I know you love the cookies, but this is a recipe for brownies. You seem upset.
D'Arcy Carden:
[2:38] This house, I come and love this house because the woman who used to live here before you, she would make cookies for her kids every day and send them to school. And then it was very sad because they grew up and they left the house. And so she kept making, oh, I dropped my earring. She kept making the cookies.
Abbi Jacobson:
[3:00] I don't understand how those earrings stay on your little ghost ears.
D'Arcy Carden:
[3:04] I wore them my whole living life. And so I died in them. And so they fell off in my living life and they fall off. Anyway, I found this house because she made the cookies. And then when you've got the house, I thought you made an agreement to make the cookies.
Abbi Jacobson:
[3:24] I do. I also love making cookies with you. But I have to say, I'm not like, okay, I have to just be honest. I'm trying to make a move to maybe some healthier options. And I thought we could start with brownies with Greek yogurt instead of butter and milk.
Mary Holland:
[3:50] Hey hey hey hey hey
Abbi Jacobson:
[3:52] Hey bertha bertha bertha bertha bertha bertha bertha bertha bertha bertha bertha hey bertha you you just it's bertha it
D'Arcy Carden:
[4:04] Is bertha every
Abbi Jacobson:
[4:05] Day i tell you bertha you you sort of turned into like a demon all of a sudden and i haven't seen that before you you flames i saw flames and and and like monster eyes and you've just you've just sort have been like a sweet, fat old ghost, and all of a sudden you were like really like a scary demon, and I can't have that in my house, okay? I can't have that in my house.
D'Arcy Carden:
[4:30] You seem to not understand the power dynamic here. I come. I come here. Verta comes here to haunt you. You have to control. So I come for the cookies. I understand you want to be healthy. Your living soul doesn't understand that. That doesn't matter. And I'm here for the cookies. So cookies or you don't want to knock.
Abbi Jacobson:
[4:58] Would you hurt me? and my family? Berta. Berta. Berta.
D'Arcy Carden:
[5:07] Listen, maybe What? I don't want to hurt you, okay? I don't want to hurt you, okay? This is just, this is who I am and this is the rule. These are the rules of the universe.
Abbi Jacobson:
[5:27] There's no room for improvement. You don't want to better yourself. You don't want to live a healthier life or die a healthy, I don't know what you call it, live a healthier death?
D'Arcy Carden:
[5:37] There's no, this body of mine, it's safe. So me eating healthy is not a thing. So I'm all about the taste. I'm all about the butter. And really, I'm all about hanging on to a thing that was in my life, which was the cookies. So you have a choice. Do you care so much about losing weight?
Abbi Jacobson:
[6:11] I guess, I guess, no, I mean, no, I understand. I understand. You're making it really clear that it doesn't, it's not about that. It's not about losing. It's about the joy you had in life. It's about experiencing that every day.
D'Arcy Carden:
[6:28] And so don't you feel in talking it out, the joy in life is maybe you eating the cookies?
Abbi Jacobson:
[6:36] Yeah. And maybe you're right. But I have to say, just if you get angry like that again, where you sort of like turn into a demon face and flames come out of your feet, I'm going to press the button under my desk and the cops will come. Okay. And I don't know if cops can do anything to a fat old ghost.
Mary Holland:
[7:03] Sorry.
Abbi Jacobson:
[7:04] To an old ghost, to a ghost, to a ghost person.
D'Arcy Carden:
[7:07] I can say I'm fat. You can't.
Abbi Jacobson:
[7:14] I'm pressing the button. I'm pressing the button. I'm pressing the button. I'm pressing the button.
Don Fanelli:
[7:20] Thanks, Ab. Thanks, Darce. Next up, we got Mary Holland and Sean Diston. Check them out in episode seven, if you haven't heard it yet. And you'll also hear the, uh, the origin story of how distant and I really met, I would say, because it lives on the internet forever. So go check that out. Uh, distant performs with Devin field, Devin and distant, uh, every fourth Wednesday, uh, of the month at UCB in Los Angeles. Uh, he's written for shows like twisted metal, Fairfax, woke Robbie and grand crew. You've heard them a million times on comedy. Bang, bang, Mary Holland, And the best of the best, the nicest of the nicest his, his, okay? And as I said last time, got a thousand IMDb credits, okay? Talking Ghosts, The After Party, History of the World Part 2, The Big Door Prize, Beavis and Butthead, Bob's Burgers, the list goes on. Of course, she's rocking out The Prov whenever she can. And you might be able to see her on Little House on A Little Prairie this summer on Netflix, okay? All right, let's get to our second mutter with Sean Diston and Mary Holland.
Mary Holland:
[8:29] I love making brownies with you.
Shaun Diston:
[8:33] I'm just a fat old ghost. I mean.
Mary Holland:
[8:39] Don't say that. Don't dad. Dad, don't say that.
Shaun Diston:
[8:42] I'm a fat old ghost. But I accept my place in the ghost kingdom. Now, I'm going to keep sort of working behind you. You think you're making the brownies, but I'm actually behind you sort of like the movie Ghost, helping you make the brownies in my old recipe.
Mary Holland:
[8:59] Dad.
Shaun Diston:
[9:00] They're called fat brownies.
Mary Holland:
[9:06] What? No, I know they are. And, you know, I hope you're not offended that I don't label them like that in the bakery. It's fine. Because I think that would be a little off-putting to the customers.
Shaun Diston:
[9:21] I know they're called fat brownies. When the ghosts come in to get the brownies, they know they're called fat brownies.
Mary Holland:
[9:27] I did want to talk to you about just kind of having an open-door policy with the other ghosts that you live with.
Shaun Diston:
[9:35] Well, you don't really need an open door. The ghosts can go right through the door. It's kind of a just open-wall policy.
Mary Holland:
[9:41] Yeah. Can we revise that? Speaking of my business, that's also harming my business. I got written up as one of the most haunted bakeries in the United States, and there's only like two. on that list because it's not
Shaun Diston:
[9:58] A very exclusive i mean to me that feels like a positive no people don't all those goth kids come in and they always want to buy stuff they're always looking for chocolate chip cookies i mean you're the number one bakery for goths yeah
Mary Holland:
[10:10] But i'm hoping to do more like you know weddings and like that kind of thing i don't i don't you know when did you when did you
Shaun Diston:
[10:17] Become not goth
Mary Holland:
[10:19] Um, when I turned 12.
Shaun Diston:
[10:23] Okay, I remember a cute little Susan at 11. I put her on black lipstick, wearing black clothes.
Mary Holland:
[10:30] Yes. Well, I thought I was a witch, you know.
Shaun Diston:
[10:34] You were a witch. You were a little witch. Why do you think I'm here?
Mary Holland:
[10:37] You know what? Part of me thinks this is, I'm disassociating, honestly. I don't know. I don't know if you're actually here.
Shaun Diston:
[10:46] I am here. And let me tell you something. I could settle my unfinished business and move on to the other plane.
Mary Holland:
[10:53] What is your unfinished business, by the way? You won't communicate. I could help you, Dad. I could help you move on.
Shaun Diston:
[10:59] I'm not even interested in finding out. I can be here and spend all this time with my daughter helping her make brownies. I don't even care about my unfinished business. Yeah, it might be getting revenge on the guy who pushed me off the Empire State Building. But I just- I thought you fell.
Don Fanelli:
[11:15] Yeah.
Shaun Diston:
[11:16] Oh, you thought I fell? Oh, no.
Mary Holland:
[11:18] Dad?
Shaun Diston:
[11:19] No, I was pushed off. I thought I told you I was pushed off the Empire State Building.
Mary Holland:
[11:23] Oh, my God.
Shaun Diston:
[11:25] I was up there giving one of my tours.
Mary Holland:
[11:27] I know.
Shaun Diston:
[11:28] You think I would fall off the Empire State Building, and my job is to give tours up there?
Mary Holland:
[11:32] I know. You're right. You're right. I should have questioned it immediately. I was just so stricken with grief. Who pushed you off? Was it? I could get revenge on them.
Shaun Diston:
[11:41] It's not important. It's not important.
Mary Holland:
[11:42] Or I can, like, you know, at least file a complaint or something.
Shaun Diston:
[11:46] I don't think it's that important. What's important to me is that we're making fat brownies. We're making chubby cookies. We're making rotund cakes. And your bakery business is thriving in the supernatural community.
Mary Holland:
[12:00] It's struggling a little. Well, yes, but exactly. Ghosts don't actually eat. Like, I just come in in the morning and there's just trays on the floor, but nothing's actually eaten. Are they not paying you? No, they're not paying me.
Shaun Diston:
[12:14] I told, oh my God. I told them if they go in there and they make any trouble, they rattle around any plates, they get any baked goods on the ground, they got to leave you some ghost bucks.
Mary Holland:
[12:24] And where am I going to spend that money, dad? That's not going to translate into any kind of equity for me, you know?
Shaun Diston:
[12:31] Okay, but you know how they say you can't take stuff with you after you die?
Mary Holland:
[12:36] I have heard that, yeah.
Shaun Diston:
[12:37] You have heard that. this is kind of like you would be you have a savings account in the afterlife so when you die you'll kind of be rich it's kind of like a retirement after death that
Mary Holland:
[12:49] Actually sounds like pretty
Shaun Diston:
[12:50] It's not bad like you're not making any money now but you're putting away money your nest egg for when you're dead i'm broke as a ghost are
Mary Holland:
[12:59] You yeah are you can i are you okay Like, where are you staying? Where do you stay?
Shaun Diston:
[13:07] Where do I stay? I sleep at the foot of your bed. Oh, dad. And I'll be honest. I'm going to have to ask you to stop having sex with your husband.
Mary Holland:
[13:16] Dad! It's gross! We can stop sleeping at the foot of my bed like a puppy!
Shaun Diston:
[13:21] What else am I supposed to sleep?
Mary Holland:
[13:23] God, go sleep in! I don't know! Go sleep in! You can sleep anywhere! You can sleep at the Eiffel Tower! My God, you're a ghost, Dad!
Shaun Diston:
[13:29] Sleep on the Eiffel Tower? I'm just an old fat ghost. You think if I sleep on the Eiffel Tower, it's just going to puncture me?
Mary Holland:
[13:36] Please don't talk negatively about yourself even in the afterlife, okay?
Shaun Diston:
[13:40] Okay, but here's the thing. being fat in the afterlife is like a badge of honor like i i live a life of excess yeah okay i don't have any money but i eat all the ghost baked goods i want anytime a brownie falls on the ground it goes into the it's dead so it comes into the afterlife oh
Mary Holland:
[14:01] God this is There's so many. No, Dad, I didn't know that.
Shaun Diston:
[14:08] That's why I say like when you make brownies, throw a couple on the ground, throw them in the trash.
Mary Holland:
[14:12] I do every time. And my husband's always asking me why I'm doing that. And I tell him, and Dad, honestly, this is causing a rift in my marriage. You know, because you only appearing to me and only me being able to see you. And like my husband doesn't think any of this is real. He really thinks I'm starting to lose it. And maybe I am. Maybe I am.
Shaun Diston:
[14:34] No, you're not losing it, honey. You're not losing it. What do you want me to do? Do you want me to leave me alone? No, I can't leave you alone.
Don Fanelli:
[14:45] Thank you, Mary. Thank you, Distin. Last up, they are back, and they're crazier than ever, okay? It's the delectable Cuckoo, Aaron Jackson, and Josh Sharp. Check them out in episode four if you haven't already. I guess Aaron might as well be a series regular at this point. of these on like every other episode which i think is very wonderful i think josh needs to be on this more okay and as i've said many times these two gents they were a little sketch show back at the ucb theater a long time ago it was called fucking identical twins but it became a movie called dicks the musical starring nathan lane and megan mulally it's amazing uh josh just finished up a nice little run across the pond in london his show ta-da aaron i think is doing a show called weird girl songs at joe's pub april 21st um so and they're they're performing together whenever they can uh but let's jump in to this wonderful world of josh sharp
Don Fanelli:
[15:44] and aaron jackson okay it's our final mutter.
Josh Sharp:
[15:51] I love making brownies with you.
Aaron Jackson:
[15:54] I'm just a fat old ghost.
Josh Sharp:
[15:58] Oh, honey, come on. You are not. You can still get out there and you can meet a man just because you're divorced doesn't mean you're invisible to men.
Aaron Jackson:
[16:06] No, honey. I'm a fat old ghost. The dating scene is over. I might as well eat this whole body. I'm going to eat the old brownies by myself. I'm a fat, dumb cow.
Josh Sharp:
[16:17] No, you are not. And when you are my plus one to this PTA fundraiser, you're going to meet all sorts of single dads. I'm telling you, ever since that awful illness swept through town, a lot of the dads have dead wives and they're looking for new ones.
Aaron Jackson:
[16:32] A lot of the dads have dead wives?
Josh Sharp:
[16:35] Yes you're gonna be meeting so many people at the pta fundraiser darling that's why i'm taking you yeah the
Aaron Jackson:
[16:40] Horrible illness the horrible illness that took my jerry as well
Josh Sharp:
[16:44] Absolute absolute so don't worry sweetie there's a lot of singles looking to mingle you're really
Aaron Jackson:
[16:49] Sweet you're really supportive do you think it's because of all your kids you have all
Josh Sharp:
[16:54] I think so i think yes i think ever since i think ever since i had um a sextet and then a septet bringing me a total of 13 children but all it's given me a just
Aaron Jackson:
[17:06] Only two labors but you have
Josh Sharp:
[17:08] Two labors 13 kids oh boys i just think it's giving i think it's giving me a great deal of empathy and understanding always all
Aaron Jackson:
[17:19] Everyone calls you darla the dalmatian because you had kids like a dog just pumped him out honey we love
Josh Sharp:
[17:25] You i know and don't forget my spots um that's true your spot is awful skin condition together i
Aaron Jackson:
[17:33] Never even put that together i thought it was because you
Josh Sharp:
[17:35] I know read
Aaron Jackson:
[17:36] Like a dog
Josh Sharp:
[17:37] Well you sound lonely so lonely i know beth i know but listen we're gonna get you out there tonight and you're gonna meet some folks all
Aaron Jackson:
[17:49] Right come on let's go get my car
Josh Sharp:
[17:53] Okay all right well hold on we gotta get the brownies out oh my
Aaron Jackson:
[17:56] God this is just like no to let the whole house burn down i'm such a fucking idiot i was ready to go god i'm stupid
Josh Sharp:
[18:05] No you got i should just put
Aaron Jackson:
[18:06] My head in the oven i should put my head in the oven and die
Josh Sharp:
[18:11] Beth no you can't do that no the world the world would be lesser without you in it i'm telling you i'm not so sure Are you kidding? Are you kidding? This town needs you. They need you.
Aaron Jackson:
[18:26] Yeah.
Josh Sharp:
[18:26] Darling, you're the only one who can sing in this whole town. Are you kidding? Think of the Fourth of July without you.
Aaron Jackson:
[18:31] I know.
Josh Sharp:
[18:32] You sing in the Star Spangled Banner when those fireworks go off. This town wouldn't know what to do without that.
Aaron Jackson:
[18:37] I do it every year, every year since I was a little girl.
Josh Sharp:
[18:40] I know. I love this country. I love this town. And I love you, Beth. So we're going to get you out there.
Aaron Jackson:
[18:46] All right. You have so much strength in me. let's get the i
Josh Sharp:
[18:51] Know i know
Aaron Jackson:
[18:51] I'm starving let's get them out
Josh Sharp:
[18:55] They're ready they're ready let me just wrap them in foil and then we can get in your car all right great shall we go to the car yeah we're in okay i
Aaron Jackson:
[19:06] Started it it's a convertible
Josh Sharp:
[19:09] I know honey you got a lot of money from that big hit single you did so many years ago yeah yep
Aaron Jackson:
[19:16] The single was called my country tis of she and it was the girl power americana song that went really popular
Josh Sharp:
[19:25] Sold like hot cakes
Aaron Jackson:
[19:27] Like hot brownies
Josh Sharp:
[19:30] Oh you're so funny too bad oh my god well um well here we are at the school we're my god
Aaron Jackson:
[19:38] Thank god i was so sure i crashed this car and wrap ourselves around a damn tree because I'm such a klutz, but we made it.
Josh Sharp:
[19:45] No, don't be hard on yourself just because you've done that seven or eight times. Seven or eight cars. It could happen to any girl.
Aaron Jackson:
[19:52] Wrapped around a tree.
Josh Sharp:
[19:54] My God. You're lucky my country tis if she sold so well. Every time you wrap a car, I go, well, at least it happened to Beth. She can afford another easy breeze.
Aaron Jackson:
[20:01] I can, I can. I don't even insure them anymore. It doesn't even matter. Yeah. I just pay full price. That's good.
Josh Sharp:
[20:08] Save money. Save money. Save money. Ooh, look at all these hot widowed studs, Beth. You see anybody to your liking?
Aaron Jackson:
[20:18] God, they're all so oily and handsome. I'm scared. I'm finding myself scared.
Josh Sharp:
[20:24] Yeah, right before us, we're a little late. Right before us, they did a greased daddy competition to raise money for the school.
Aaron Jackson:
[20:31] Why didn't we come to that?
Josh Sharp:
[20:32] They greased up the daddies and they had them all. I know we were running late because of these brownies I cooked
Aaron Jackson:
[20:37] Them wrong on slow god I hate
Josh Sharp:
[20:40] I know I know don't be hard on yourself but it's okay because now we're getting here just in time these daddies are all riled up from wrestling they're slicked up from the oil slippery from
Aaron Jackson:
[20:49] These wet dads
Josh Sharp:
[20:50] Be careful I could
Aaron Jackson:
[20:52] Crack my head open on this damn
Josh Sharp:
[20:54] Floor you gotta be careful you gotta be extra careful my god
Aaron Jackson:
[20:59] And we're in heels of course
Josh Sharp:
[21:02] Well absolutely heels on our feet and on our hands so yeah don't be afraid to get on all fours and walk if that makes it more stable oh my god
Aaron Jackson:
[21:10] I mean you're such a whore darla i
Josh Sharp:
[21:12] Know how you think it's 13 kids but only two dads different dad for each of my broods
Don Fanelli:
[21:30] Thank you, Josh. Thank you, Aaron. And thank you to all my guests. Go check out Darcy Carden right now on Hulu. She's in Sunny Nights and Abby Jacobson is in The Comeback on HBO. Mary Holland's on Ghosts on CBS and Little House on the Prairie this summer on Netflix. Check out Sean Distin and Devin Field. Distin and Devin, Devin and Distin at the UCB Theater in L.A. Distin has a podcast with Scott Arkerman. it's called scott hasn't seen uh you can check out aaron jackson and josh sharp their movie dicks the musical and aaron's show weird girl songs is going to be at joe's pub on april 21st thanks to seth and newge for the music and the art if you want to submit your own first two lines i highly encourage it okay it'll be used in a future episode dm me at butterfly the pod on instagram email butterfly the pod at gmail.com or you can call or text 657-222-1324 a new episode butterfly next thursday go check it out that's it for me i'm don finale i'm traveling so i gotta go bye.
