WEBVTT
00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:06.080
Welcome back to Day Day Up, the weekly podcast for Chinese professionals navigating the Western workplace.
00:00:06.320 --> 00:00:07.280
I'm Jonathan.
00:00:07.440 --> 00:00:08.800
Let's get into it.
00:00:09.759 --> 00:00:14.800
When I was a kid, my teachers would often write a recurring phrase on my report card.
00:00:15.039 --> 00:00:18.559
Jonathan has opportunities to demonstrate more initiative.
00:00:19.039 --> 00:00:23.600
My dad would skip past the straight A's and zoom right into that line with a frown.
00:00:23.920 --> 00:00:26.000
Ah yeah, these teachers are too soft.
00:00:26.160 --> 00:00:27.359
Never say what they mean.
00:00:27.679 --> 00:00:30.239
John, you need to speak up more in class.
00:00:30.399 --> 00:00:31.760
You're too quiet.
00:00:32.399 --> 00:00:33.759
You're too quiet.
00:00:34.079 --> 00:00:40.479
From a young age, I saw firsthand how we Chinese tend to be indirect in our praise and direct in our criticism.
00:00:40.719 --> 00:00:46.799
On the other hand, Western culture emphasizes direct and generous praise and indirect criticism.
00:00:47.039 --> 00:00:51.759
See, my dad's statement was certainly direct, but was it objectively accurate?
00:00:52.000 --> 00:01:02.479
If my dad saw me chattering away in class with my best friend, he certainly wouldn't have said that, but he saw something and assumed that he knew the truth about who I was.
00:01:02.880 --> 00:01:09.599
And if you had similar parents, they probably did it with love and taught you to do the same, even at work.
00:01:10.159 --> 00:01:11.439
Don't get me wrong.
00:01:11.680 --> 00:01:14.640
It's absolutely okay to have a strong opinion.
00:01:15.599 --> 00:01:26.319
But when that strong opinion extends into deterministic judgments about other people, your trigger defensiveness, resistance, and endanger relationships.
00:01:26.560 --> 00:01:31.760
There are three specific ways in which we often claim to know more than we actually know.
00:01:32.000 --> 00:01:36.000
Don't say you're not detail-oriented, you're too quiet.
00:01:36.239 --> 00:01:41.840
Claiming to know something about someone else is one of the fastest ways to destroy trust.
00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:46.159
It shows that you aren't interested in connecting or trying to understand them.
00:01:46.319 --> 00:01:48.159
You've already decided who they are.
00:01:48.400 --> 00:01:51.040
You're not detail-oriented is simply an observation.
00:01:51.120 --> 00:01:55.200
Maybe it was three things missed on one deliverable, on one day.
00:01:55.519 --> 00:01:58.959
So instead, focus on your own observations.
00:01:59.120 --> 00:02:02.719
Using a when X happens, you appear Y format.
00:02:02.879 --> 00:02:08.159
Say instead, when you miss the daily update to the client, it can come across as a lack of attention to detail.
00:02:08.400 --> 00:02:11.039
Don't say, this is wrong.
00:02:11.360 --> 00:02:14.639
Actually, this won't work.
00:02:15.439 --> 00:02:17.759
My wife and I have the same fight every summer.
00:02:17.919 --> 00:02:22.400
She's wrapped in a winter blanket in bed, groaning, it's freezing in here.
00:02:23.039 --> 00:02:28.719
Meanwhile, I'm stripped down to my underpants with no covers, completely baffled.
00:02:28.879 --> 00:02:30.639
And I'll say, are you kidding?
00:02:30.800 --> 00:02:32.080
It's way too hot.
00:02:32.400 --> 00:02:35.120
The thermometer reads 22 degrees Celsius.
00:02:35.280 --> 00:02:39.280
The room is one temperature, but our truths could not be further apart.
00:02:39.599 --> 00:02:42.560
Because it's cold, isn't an objective truth.
00:02:42.639 --> 00:02:45.199
It's a perception spoken as a truth.
00:02:45.360 --> 00:02:47.680
That's what happens when you say this is wrong.
00:02:47.919 --> 00:02:49.840
It feels like a report on reality.
00:02:50.080 --> 00:02:56.719
But in fact, it's really just a report on you with your perspective, prejudices, and lived experiences.
00:02:56.960 --> 00:03:02.719
So as a rule, I avoid claiming the truth at work by acknowledging I'm just sharing my point of view.
00:03:02.960 --> 00:03:05.280
Say instead, I see where you're coming from.
00:03:05.439 --> 00:03:07.280
Here's what I see differently.
00:03:07.520 --> 00:03:10.159
Don't say, why did you do that?
00:03:10.479 --> 00:03:11.599
You shouldn't.
00:03:11.759 --> 00:03:18.560
I know sometimes this is a genuine question, but often what the other person hears is, you made a mistake.
00:03:18.800 --> 00:03:21.840
The question lands like the beginning of an interrogation.
00:03:22.080 --> 00:03:26.560
So instead, simply admit that you don't know what's happening.
00:03:27.039 --> 00:03:31.759
Say instead, can you walk me through your thinking?
00:03:32.400 --> 00:03:34.479
This isn't about being softer.
00:03:34.879 --> 00:03:43.199
At this point, you might be thinking, okay, John, you're just telling me to sugarcoat everything, tiptoe around stuff and be softer.
00:03:43.599 --> 00:03:44.639
Not at all.
00:03:45.120 --> 00:03:47.599
I have a client with the opposite problem.
00:03:47.840 --> 00:03:52.159
Whenever her manager sounds even slightly unhappy, she blurts out, I'm sorry.
00:03:52.400 --> 00:03:53.680
It's so reflexive.
00:03:53.840 --> 00:03:58.400
Sometimes she catches herself wondering what she should be sorry about.
00:03:58.639 --> 00:03:59.759
I told her.
00:04:00.080 --> 00:04:04.560
When you say, I'm sorry, you're claiming this is your responsibility.
00:04:04.719 --> 00:04:06.400
Maybe you did contribute to that.
00:04:06.560 --> 00:04:07.520
Maybe you didn't.
00:04:07.759 --> 00:04:10.879
You don't know yet, but you've already claimed to know.
00:04:11.360 --> 00:04:17.839
Whether you are disagreeing, predicting, asking a hard question, or apologizing, the rule doesn't change.
00:04:18.079 --> 00:04:20.480
Don't claim more than you actually know.
00:04:20.720 --> 00:04:22.639
Accuracy is not softness.
00:04:22.800 --> 00:04:25.519
Sometimes it means disagreeing more carefully.
00:04:25.680 --> 00:04:28.959
Sometimes it means apologizing a lot less.
00:04:29.199 --> 00:04:34.000
The most skilled communicators in any room don't sound more polite or more aggressive.
00:04:34.160 --> 00:04:36.079
They sound more calibrated.
00:04:36.879 --> 00:04:39.759
Alright, that's your growth tip for this week.
00:04:40.000 --> 00:04:42.000
Now let's take a melon break.
00:04:44.800 --> 00:04:47.839
Sourdough is having its biggest moment ever.
00:04:48.240 --> 00:04:51.199
It's the number one bakery trend of 2026.
00:04:51.439 --> 00:04:56.240
Searches for sourdough near me jumped 178%.
00:04:56.879 --> 00:05:06.879
And you might have noticed that many of your coworkers, especially millennials, are now keeping a sourdough starter alive on the kitchen counter like a family pet.
00:05:07.199 --> 00:05:13.519
The loaves are gorgeous, golden, crackly, and unfamiliar.
00:05:13.839 --> 00:05:24.240
If you grew up in a Chinese household, biting into one for the first time raises a question you've probably felt your whole life, but never said out loud.
00:05:24.560 --> 00:05:27.439
Why is Western bread so hard?
00:05:28.000 --> 00:05:31.279
Apparently, in the West, hard is the whole point.
00:05:31.519 --> 00:05:38.720
A thick, chewy crust and a dense, tangy inside is what real bread is supposed to be.
00:05:38.959 --> 00:05:44.800
Soft white bread gets looked down on as processed, childish, not the real thing.
00:05:45.120 --> 00:05:48.639
Of course, back in China, it's the exact opposite.
00:05:48.879 --> 00:05:56.959
Bread should be soft, fluffy, faintly sweet, the kind of pillowy loaf you can tear apart with your fingers and eat plain.
00:05:57.279 --> 00:06:05.360
I grew up used to hard bread, to the point where my first experiences with Chinese bread felt like I was enjoying a dessert.
00:06:05.600 --> 00:06:08.800
And ever since, I've grown to enjoy both.
00:06:09.360 --> 00:06:13.279
Isn't that the best part about living in between two worlds?
00:06:13.600 --> 00:06:16.480
You could see it as not belonging anywhere.
00:06:16.800 --> 00:06:22.560
But I found that it means you're exploring worlds that others can only dream of.
00:06:23.439 --> 00:06:27.199
Here's how you can use this topic in Smalltalk next week.
00:06:27.839 --> 00:06:29.120
With coworkers.
00:06:29.759 --> 00:06:35.199
Did you know that when I first came here from China, I just couldn't put up with the bread here?
00:06:35.439 --> 00:06:42.720
I grew up on super soft, fluffy milk bread, so my first taste of bread here felt like a full jaw workout.
00:06:42.959 --> 00:06:45.040
Have you ever tried Chinese bread?
00:06:45.199 --> 00:06:47.600
Next time I'll bring you some to try.
00:06:56.160 --> 00:07:03.839
To learn more, check out my free weekly newsletter for communicating in the Western Workplace, read by over 2,000 Chinese professionals.
00:07:04.079 --> 00:07:07.199
Just search Daily Up Jonathan and you will find me.
00:07:07.439 --> 00:07:08.560
That's all for today.
00:07:08.800 --> 00:07:12.000
See you next Sunday with the Chisang Shao Hua Banan.
00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:06.080
Welcome back to Day Day Up, the weekly podcast for Chinese professionals navigating the Western workplace.
00:00:06.320 --> 00:00:07.280
I'm Jonathan.
00:00:07.440 --> 00:00:08.800
Let's get into it.
00:00:09.759 --> 00:00:14.800
When I was a kid, my teachers would often write a recurring phrase on my report card.
00:00:15.039 --> 00:00:18.559
Jonathan has opportunities to demonstrate more initiative.
00:00:19.039 --> 00:00:23.600
My dad would skip past the straight A's and zoom right into that line with a frown.
00:00:23.920 --> 00:00:26.000
Ah yeah, these teachers are too soft.
00:00:26.160 --> 00:00:27.359
Never say what they mean.
00:00:27.679 --> 00:00:30.239
John, you need to speak up more in class.
00:00:30.399 --> 00:00:31.760
You're too quiet.
00:00:32.399 --> 00:00:33.759
You're too quiet.
00:00:34.079 --> 00:00:40.479
From a young age, I saw firsthand how we Chinese tend to be indirect in our praise and direct in our criticism.
00:00:40.719 --> 00:00:46.799
On the other hand, Western culture emphasizes direct and generous praise and indirect criticism.
00:00:47.039 --> 00:00:51.759
See, my dad's statement was certainly direct, but was it objectively accurate?
00:00:52.000 --> 00:01:02.479
If my dad saw me chattering away in class with my best friend, he certainly wouldn't have said that, but he saw something and assumed that he knew the truth about who I was.
00:01:02.880 --> 00:01:09.599
And if you had similar parents, they probably did it with love and taught you to do the same, even at work.
00:01:10.159 --> 00:01:11.439
Don't get me wrong.
00:01:11.680 --> 00:01:14.640
It's absolutely okay to have a strong opinion.
00:01:15.599 --> 00:01:26.319
But when that strong opinion extends into deterministic judgments about other people, your trigger defensiveness, resistance, and endanger relationships.
00:01:26.560 --> 00:01:31.760
There are three specific ways in which we often claim to know more than we actually know.
00:01:32.000 --> 00:01:36.000
Don't say you're not detail-oriented, you're too quiet.
00:01:36.239 --> 00:01:41.840
Claiming to know something about someone else is one of the fastest ways to destroy trust.
00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:46.159
It shows that you aren't interested in connecting or trying to understand them.
00:01:46.319 --> 00:01:48.159
You've already decided who they are.
00:01:48.400 --> 00:01:51.040
You're not detail-oriented is simply an observation.
00:01:51.120 --> 00:01:55.200
Maybe it was three things missed on one deliverable, on one day.
00:01:55.519 --> 00:01:58.959
So instead, focus on your own observations.
00:01:59.120 --> 00:02:02.719
Using a when X happens, you appear Y format.
00:02:02.879 --> 00:02:08.159
Say instead, when you miss the daily update to the client, it can come across as a lack of attention to detail.
00:02:08.400 --> 00:02:11.039
Don't say, this is wrong.
00:02:11.360 --> 00:02:14.639
Actually, this won't work.
00:02:15.439 --> 00:02:17.759
My wife and I have the same fight every summer.
00:02:17.919 --> 00:02:22.400
She's wrapped in a winter blanket in bed, groaning, it's freezing in here.
00:02:23.039 --> 00:02:28.719
Meanwhile, I'm stripped down to my underpants with no covers, completely baffled.
00:02:28.879 --> 00:02:30.639
And I'll say, are you kidding?
00:02:30.800 --> 00:02:32.080
It's way too hot.
00:02:32.400 --> 00:02:35.120
The thermometer reads 22 degrees Celsius.
00:02:35.280 --> 00:02:39.280
The room is one temperature, but our truths could not be further apart.
00:02:39.599 --> 00:02:42.560
Because it's cold, isn't an objective truth.
00:02:42.639 --> 00:02:45.199
It's a perception spoken as a truth.
00:02:45.360 --> 00:02:47.680
That's what happens when you say this is wrong.
00:02:47.919 --> 00:02:49.840
It feels like a report on reality.
00:02:50.080 --> 00:02:56.719
But in fact, it's really just a report on you with your perspective, prejudices, and lived experiences.
00:02:56.960 --> 00:03:02.719
So as a rule, I avoid claiming the truth at work by acknowledging I'm just sharing my point of view.
00:03:02.960 --> 00:03:05.280
Say instead, I see where you're coming from.
00:03:05.439 --> 00:03:07.280
Here's what I see differently.
00:03:07.520 --> 00:03:10.159
Don't say, why did you do that?
00:03:10.479 --> 00:03:11.599
You shouldn't.
00:03:11.759 --> 00:03:18.560
I know sometimes this is a genuine question, but often what the other person hears is, you made a mistake.
00:03:18.800 --> 00:03:21.840
The question lands like the beginning of an interrogation.
00:03:22.080 --> 00:03:26.560
So instead, simply admit that you don't know what's happening.
00:03:27.039 --> 00:03:31.759
Say instead, can you walk me through your thinking?
00:03:32.400 --> 00:03:34.479
This isn't about being softer.
00:03:34.879 --> 00:03:43.199
At this point, you might be thinking, okay, John, you're just telling me to sugarcoat everything, tiptoe around stuff and be softer.
00:03:43.599 --> 00:03:44.639
Not at all.
00:03:45.120 --> 00:03:47.599
I have a client with the opposite problem.
00:03:47.840 --> 00:03:52.159
Whenever her manager sounds even slightly unhappy, she blurts out, I'm sorry.
00:03:52.400 --> 00:03:53.680
It's so reflexive.
00:03:53.840 --> 00:03:58.400
Sometimes she catches herself wondering what she should be sorry about.
00:03:58.639 --> 00:03:59.759
I told her.
00:04:00.080 --> 00:04:04.560
When you say, I'm sorry, you're claiming this is your responsibility.
00:04:04.719 --> 00:04:06.400
Maybe you did contribute to that.
00:04:06.560 --> 00:04:07.520
Maybe you didn't.
00:04:07.759 --> 00:04:10.879
You don't know yet, but you've already claimed to know.
00:04:11.360 --> 00:04:17.839
Whether you are disagreeing, predicting, asking a hard question, or apologizing, the rule doesn't change.
00:04:18.079 --> 00:04:20.480
Don't claim more than you actually know.
00:04:20.720 --> 00:04:22.639
Accuracy is not softness.
00:04:22.800 --> 00:04:25.519
Sometimes it means disagreeing more carefully.
00:04:25.680 --> 00:04:28.959
Sometimes it means apologizing a lot less.
00:04:29.199 --> 00:04:34.000
The most skilled communicators in any room don't sound more polite or more aggressive.
00:04:34.160 --> 00:04:36.079
They sound more calibrated.
00:04:36.879 --> 00:04:39.759
Alright, that's your growth tip for this week.
00:04:40.000 --> 00:04:42.000
Now let's take a melon break.
00:04:44.800 --> 00:04:47.839
Sourdough is having its biggest moment ever.
00:04:48.240 --> 00:04:51.199
It's the number one bakery trend of 2026.
00:04:51.439 --> 00:04:56.240
Searches for sourdough near me jumped 178%.
00:04:56.879 --> 00:05:06.879
And you might have noticed that many of your coworkers, especially millennials, are now keeping a sourdough starter alive on the kitchen counter like a family pet.
00:05:07.199 --> 00:05:13.519
The loaves are gorgeous, golden, crackly, and unfamiliar.
00:05:13.839 --> 00:05:24.240
If you grew up in a Chinese household, biting into one for the first time raises a question you've probably felt your whole life, but never said out loud.
00:05:24.560 --> 00:05:27.439
Why is Western bread so hard?
00:05:28.000 --> 00:05:31.279
Apparently, in the West, hard is the whole point.
00:05:31.519 --> 00:05:38.720
A thick, chewy crust and a dense, tangy inside is what real bread is supposed to be.
00:05:38.959 --> 00:05:44.800
Soft white bread gets looked down on as processed, childish, not the real thing.
00:05:45.120 --> 00:05:48.639
Of course, back in China, it's the exact opposite.
00:05:48.879 --> 00:05:56.959
Bread should be soft, fluffy, faintly sweet, the kind of pillowy loaf you can tear apart with your fingers and eat plain.
00:05:57.279 --> 00:06:05.360
I grew up used to hard bread, to the point where my first experiences with Chinese bread felt like I was enjoying a dessert.
00:06:05.600 --> 00:06:08.800
And ever since, I've grown to enjoy both.
00:06:09.360 --> 00:06:13.279
Isn't that the best part about living in between two worlds?
00:06:13.600 --> 00:06:16.480
You could see it as not belonging anywhere.
00:06:16.800 --> 00:06:22.560
But I found that it means you're exploring worlds that others can only dream of.
00:06:23.439 --> 00:06:27.199
Here's how you can use this topic in Smalltalk next week.
00:06:27.839 --> 00:06:29.120
With coworkers.
00:06:29.759 --> 00:06:35.199
Did you know that when I first came here from China, I just couldn't put up with the bread here?
00:06:35.439 --> 00:06:42.720
I grew up on super soft, fluffy milk bread, so my first taste of bread here felt like a full jaw workout.
00:06:42.959 --> 00:06:45.040
Have you ever tried Chinese bread?
00:06:45.199 --> 00:06:47.600
Next time I'll bring you some to try.
00:06:56.160 --> 00:07:03.839
To learn more, check out my free weekly newsletter for communicating in the Western Workplace, read by over 2,000 Chinese professionals.
00:07:04.079 --> 00:07:07.199
Just search Daily Up Jonathan and you will find me.
00:07:07.439 --> 00:07:08.560
That's all for today.
00:07:08.800 --> 00:07:12.000
See you next Sunday with the Chisang Shao Hua Banan.
