How Micro Choices Create Life-Changing Courage with Lauren Fay

WEBVTT
00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:18.480
Dennis, do you know like there is a moment before the shift, like before you finally tell the truth that you have been avoiding, before you walk away from what no longer serves you before you choose the harder right over the easier wrong, right?
00:00:18.640 --> 00:00:20.640
I mean it's quite in that moment, right?
00:00:20.719 --> 00:00:22.480
I mean, terrifying too as well.
00:00:22.800 --> 00:00:25.839
And it's precisely where everything changes.
00:00:26.640 --> 00:00:29.839
So today we are talking about those moments.
00:00:30.079 --> 00:00:40.399
Yes, the ones where courage is not loud or traumatic, but it is simply the next step you take when staying put is no longer an option.
00:00:41.280 --> 00:00:48.880
I'm your host, Avik, and you're listening to Mind Meets Machine, where we explore what it really takes to build a life that feels true.
00:00:49.439 --> 00:00:51.759
And trust me, joining me is a very duplicate.
00:00:51.840 --> 00:00:53.200
Please welcome Lauren Fay.
00:00:53.439 --> 00:00:54.079
Welcome to the show.
00:00:54.719 --> 00:00:56.240
Thank you so much for having me today.
00:00:56.960 --> 00:00:57.359
Amazing.
00:00:57.520 --> 00:00:58.960
Thank you so much, Lauren, for being here.
00:00:59.039 --> 00:01:02.960
And uh, dear listeners, like before we get into the discussion, I'll quickly introduce you with Lauren.
00:01:03.280 --> 00:01:23.120
So, Lauren is an award-winning author, keynote speaker, and life strategist who walked through addiction and came out the other side with something rare, like clarity about the patterns that keeps us stuck and the courage required to break this.
00:01:23.920 --> 00:01:24.879
That's amazing, right?
00:01:25.040 --> 00:01:33.120
So, I don't want to take much of a time because we'll gonna have a great discussion on the courageous decisions that change everything.
00:01:33.280 --> 00:01:34.719
So, a lot of things to learn.
00:01:34.799 --> 00:01:38.560
So, stay with us and let's enjoy the conversation.
00:01:39.280 --> 00:01:47.439
But a Lauren, like I mean, a lot of people they think marriage is about and once-in-a-lifetime in decisions kind of thing.
00:01:47.519 --> 00:01:56.000
So, but in your work, you talk about the courageous decision making as something much quieter, more daily in our life, right?
00:01:56.159 --> 00:02:05.359
So, what what do you think is the most common misconception here that people have about what it what it really means to make a courageous choice?
00:02:06.079 --> 00:02:11.280
I would say the most common misconception is that the problem has to be really, really big.
00:02:11.439 --> 00:02:21.759
Like something has to be very dramatic, or that there has to be this rock bottom, or just something where it's like it's no kidding in your face, something's gotta give.
00:02:22.080 --> 00:02:24.159
And I don't think that's what it takes.
00:02:24.400 --> 00:02:28.000
I think that it's I call it your sobering moment.
00:02:28.080 --> 00:02:33.599
And it's sober in this sense does not have to do with addiction, even though my story has to do with addiction.
00:02:33.759 --> 00:02:38.240
Sobering moment is the moment you realize like I cannot continue this way.
00:02:38.400 --> 00:02:40.159
This is no longer good enough for me.
00:02:40.319 --> 00:02:42.080
This is no longer acceptable to me.
00:02:42.240 --> 00:02:43.759
Something's got to change.
00:02:43.919 --> 00:02:47.280
And it, again, it doesn't have to be this huge problem in your life.
00:02:47.439 --> 00:02:53.840
It could just be something that you've been settling for and you're just signing, signing off on it being as good enough and you're done with that.
00:02:54.080 --> 00:02:56.479
We can, life is all about making decisions.
00:02:56.639 --> 00:03:00.240
We make hundreds of thousands of decisions a day.
00:03:00.479 --> 00:03:09.120
And some of them will be really big and others are going to be seemingly small that can have huge transformative impacts.
00:03:09.360 --> 00:03:15.520
So that would that would be the most common misconception is it doesn't matter the size or the intensity.
00:03:15.599 --> 00:03:19.919
It's really like, is there a decision that you need to make in your life?
00:03:20.080 --> 00:03:24.400
And is it is it going to take uh you know a courage, an act of bravery in order to make it?
00:03:24.879 --> 00:03:25.360
Exactly.
00:03:25.599 --> 00:03:26.080
Exactly.
00:03:26.240 --> 00:03:33.439
So here here definitely I'd love to ask you like so suppose suppose so when someone is standing at that crossroads, right?
00:03:33.599 --> 00:03:36.879
Like feeling the weight of that decision.
00:03:37.280 --> 00:03:44.639
And what is the first thing they tend to get wrong about what courage actually requires from them?
00:03:45.360 --> 00:04:03.599
I think courage is just the moment you admit to yourself, it would be more painful for me to stay where I am and to do nothing than it would be to take the step forward, even if it's unknown and I have no idea what it's going to be, or if it's going to disrupt the ecosystem or it's going to turn my life on ahead, or whatever it might be.
00:04:03.840 --> 00:04:13.039
The the hard and the pain that that might cause is going to be less than what I would experience if I did nothing.
00:04:13.280 --> 00:04:22.800
That's where I would say the courage comes through because oftentimes when we make a decision, we don't know what comes next, but we just know that we we can't stay where we are.
00:04:23.120 --> 00:04:23.519
Exactly.
00:04:23.680 --> 00:04:28.879
And I believe, you know, like uh we have been sold this Hollywood version of the courage, right?
00:04:29.040 --> 00:04:31.519
The dramatic leap and all the big repeal.
00:04:32.240 --> 00:04:46.639
But what you have, I mean, what you said is uh I mean it it feels more like kind of hundred small, small choices made in the dark, trusting that they kind of add up to something, right?
00:04:46.959 --> 00:04:59.759
So is is it is it the actual picture or yeah, I think that actually my story could be the perfect visualization, the perfect example of this is my first main big decision was I'm going to get sober.
00:04:59.920 --> 00:05:04.240
And in this case, I am actually using in context of addiction and substances.
00:05:04.480 --> 00:05:07.040
So I decided I'm going to get sober.
00:05:07.279 --> 00:05:07.839
Great.
00:05:08.319 --> 00:05:09.040
Then what?
00:05:09.439 --> 00:05:13.199
And it was every single decision that came after that.
00:05:13.439 --> 00:05:16.879
I had to decide to say no when offered a drink.
00:05:16.959 --> 00:05:21.120
I had to decide to figure out what I was going to do during happy hours.
00:05:21.439 --> 00:05:25.439
So there were hundreds of thousands of decisions that came after that first decision.
00:05:25.600 --> 00:05:29.759
And those are actually some of the more courageous act of bravery moments.
00:05:29.839 --> 00:05:35.040
Like you walk into your first networking event as a businesswoman and you don't have a glass of wine.
00:05:35.199 --> 00:05:36.879
That's an that's an act of bravery.
00:05:36.959 --> 00:05:42.720
But that decision is a required decision for me to stay sober, which was the decision I made.
00:05:42.800 --> 00:05:44.560
I would, you know, said I was going to do.
00:05:44.720 --> 00:05:46.160
So that would be what I would say.
00:05:46.240 --> 00:05:47.040
It's the big picture.
00:05:47.120 --> 00:05:59.199
It's like, yes, you do make a decision, and it could, it is an act of bravery, but so are every little itty bitty decision that follows after that that compounds and stacks that then anchors in that first decision.
00:05:59.519 --> 00:06:03.600
I mean, obviously, you have explored the hidden patterns that keeps us stuck.
00:06:03.680 --> 00:06:10.079
And so here, here, what where I'm curious about is like what you have noticed underneath those patterns.
00:06:10.240 --> 00:06:23.279
Like, I mean, when someone keeps repeating the same cycle, like choosing the same kind of relationship, the same kind of job, the same kind of escape, then what's actually happening?
00:06:23.680 --> 00:06:26.560
What's actually happening is the inner negotiation.
00:06:26.720 --> 00:06:31.600
I would say that is the num, like the number one hidden pattern are the stories that we tell ourselves.
00:06:31.759 --> 00:06:33.040
It's not that bad.
00:06:33.279 --> 00:06:34.879
Other people have it worse.
00:06:35.040 --> 00:06:35.759
It's fine.
00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:38.000
I can just accept it as it is.
00:06:38.160 --> 00:06:40.399
It's safer to stay where I am.
00:06:40.560 --> 00:06:45.600
And those inner negotiations are what keep us from making the decision we need to make.
00:06:45.680 --> 00:06:57.120
And so it's what we need to do is identify the excuses, the fears, the stories that are keeping us stuck from actually doing something about it, right?
00:06:57.279 --> 00:06:58.959
Actually making a decision.
00:06:59.199 --> 00:07:00.879
So what are we telling ourselves?
00:07:01.040 --> 00:07:04.399
How are we, how are we softening it?
00:07:04.560 --> 00:07:06.160
How are we downplaying it?
00:07:06.240 --> 00:07:12.800
You know, how are we trying to neutralize it rather than just taking ownership of a problem and doing something about it?
00:07:13.120 --> 00:07:22.319
I really, the word problem has such a bad connotation, but I really think it's such a blessing when we have the awareness of a problem, because then we can do something about it.
00:07:22.480 --> 00:07:29.199
If we stay oblivious, if we stay with our blinders up and we just try to turn a blind eye to our problems, we stay stuck.
00:07:29.360 --> 00:07:31.439
It's like, yes, identify what's not working.
00:07:31.600 --> 00:07:33.120
Do something about it.
00:07:34.160 --> 00:07:34.720
Exactly.
00:07:34.959 --> 00:07:35.439
Exactly.
00:07:35.680 --> 00:07:41.839
I mean, do you uh do you find people recognize those these patterns intellectually?
00:07:42.000 --> 00:07:46.000
Like, I mean, long before they're willing to act on that recognition.
00:07:46.720 --> 00:07:58.160
I think that it takes a real level of honesty and consciousness to call yourself out on your own patterns and your own stories and your own.
00:07:58.319 --> 00:08:07.199
Sometimes it is easier to have that outside interference or that outside intervention where someone can reflect back to you because we don't always see what we're in it when we're in it.
00:08:07.519 --> 00:08:10.959
But I always say the first step is radical honesty.
00:08:11.199 --> 00:08:19.199
You have to be willing to get honest with yourself about what isn't working or or how you're trying to talk yourself out of it or whatever it might be.
00:08:19.279 --> 00:08:21.279
And we often don't want that information.
00:08:21.439 --> 00:08:23.439
It usually doesn't feel very good, right?
00:08:23.600 --> 00:08:24.720
It's not very comfortable.
00:08:24.800 --> 00:08:26.560
We don't want there to be anything wrong.
00:08:26.800 --> 00:08:31.360
But if we can just get really honest about it, and it's like, okay, it's just data.
00:08:31.600 --> 00:08:33.360
Now what do I want to do about it?
00:08:33.600 --> 00:08:36.240
And then we can take aligned action, right?
00:08:36.320 --> 00:08:38.240
We can take the next required step.
00:08:38.399 --> 00:08:41.200
So we do have to get honest with ourselves first.
00:08:41.600 --> 00:08:42.879
People can do it on their own.
00:08:42.960 --> 00:08:43.759
I did it on my own.
00:08:43.840 --> 00:08:46.240
I did not have outside intervention with my addiction.
00:08:46.320 --> 00:08:50.080
I had my sobering moment where I was like, I cannot live this way anymore.
00:08:50.240 --> 00:08:50.960
This is a problem.
00:08:51.039 --> 00:08:52.159
I have to do something about it.
00:08:52.240 --> 00:08:55.279
And then I took action and went to a treatment center, et cetera.
00:08:55.519 --> 00:09:06.879
So it is possible to do it yourself, but it does take that surrender in I'm gonna drop the stories, I'm gonna drop the image management, I'm gonna drop the perception of perfectionism, whatever it might be.
00:09:06.960 --> 00:09:12.480
I'm gonna drop what people might think about me and that I care what people might think about me, and I'm just gonna get really honest.
00:09:12.639 --> 00:09:18.399
And that honesty is really what sets you free because it just from there, it just keeps going from there.
00:09:18.879 --> 00:09:19.279
Exactly.
00:09:19.440 --> 00:09:31.120
I mean, this is really interesting because um, I mean, we can narrate our uh own patterns perfectly, almost like we are just kind of watching someone else's life, which is getting unfolded.
00:09:31.279 --> 00:09:33.120
So if you talk about our daily life, right?
00:09:33.279 --> 00:09:44.799
Uh the small, small moments for someone who is not in crisis, not being the rock bottom, but just feeling a person sense of misalignment.
00:09:45.360 --> 00:09:46.320
So, what do you think?
00:09:46.399 --> 00:09:47.759
I mean, how does this show up?
00:09:47.919 --> 00:09:58.080
Like, how does it look like when the patterns you are saying are quietly running in the background of an otherwise functional life?
00:09:58.159 --> 00:10:03.440
So, I mean, I think a really relatable example could be health, for instance.
00:10:03.600 --> 00:10:05.440
So, so many people say, I want to be healthy.
00:10:05.600 --> 00:10:08.799
And it's like, okay, whatever that means to your own understanding.
00:10:08.960 --> 00:10:15.759
But say someone is like, you know, I want to be more active or more physically fit, and they they declare that.
00:10:15.840 --> 00:10:16.480
They make a decision.
00:10:16.639 --> 00:10:24.000
I want to be healthier and more active and more physically fit, but then they stay on the couch and hit play on episode on two, right?
00:10:24.080 --> 00:10:30.480
It's like, sure, like get on your Netflix and watch a show, but then do you watch the second episode and the third, or do you stop it?
00:10:30.559 --> 00:10:32.240
Do you get up and do you go for a walk?
00:10:32.480 --> 00:10:34.159
And so those are the little things.
00:10:34.240 --> 00:10:40.399
It's like you look at the decisions you're making and you ask yourself, is this actually supporting what I said I wanted?
00:10:40.799 --> 00:10:45.519
And if the answer is no, then it's like, okay, we need to make some modifications, right?
00:10:45.600 --> 00:10:47.279
We need to make some adjustments.
00:10:47.519 --> 00:10:49.279
And it's not to make things bad.
00:10:49.360 --> 00:10:54.080
It's like you don't have to suddenly villainize Netflix, or you don't have to suddenly villainize your bag of chips.
00:10:54.240 --> 00:11:01.120
But we want to make just the micro small decisions more in alignment with what it is that you said you wanted.
00:11:01.360 --> 00:11:07.600
That kind of leads to the next thing, which you might just naturally fall into here in conversation, but it's the identity.
00:11:07.919 --> 00:11:20.720
So it's easier to make this, and I use the word easy lightly, but it is more effective, I should say, to make decisions from the identity of the person that is aligned with the decision you made.
00:11:20.879 --> 00:11:26.879
So for instance, if you want to be a healthy person, you identify as a healthy person, then you make decisions that a healthy person would make.
00:11:27.600 --> 00:11:31.679
I decided to be sober, so I made this decisions that a sober woman would make.
00:11:32.000 --> 00:11:32.240
Right.
00:11:32.320 --> 00:11:39.759
And so you you embody that identity, and then that helps you make the decisions that are required for you to, you know, get the result that you want.
00:11:41.279 --> 00:11:42.240
Exactly.
00:11:43.039 --> 00:11:55.759
So I mean if someone's listening right now and they're recognizing that quite a misalignment, that sense of going through the motions, where do they even start looking for?
00:11:56.000 --> 00:11:57.840
Gosh, that's a great question.
00:11:58.159 --> 00:12:14.639
It does go back to that honest inventory where you just have to be willing to admit to yourself that you're not satisfied, or that you're not, you know, air quote, living to your potential, or that you're just not feeling the way you want to be feeling in your life.
00:12:14.879 --> 00:12:16.960
You know, we we just we have to be honest.
00:12:17.039 --> 00:12:19.759
Like, this just isn't good enough for me anymore.
00:12:19.919 --> 00:12:21.360
Or I just, I just don't.
00:12:21.519 --> 00:12:28.960
And we can feel it in in jobs, we can feel it in where we live, we can feel it in relationships, all relationships, everything's a relationship.
00:12:29.120 --> 00:12:35.279
There's so many different things that we can just finally say, like, this just isn't working for me anymore.
00:12:35.600 --> 00:12:39.360
And that is kind of where we have to start, right?
00:12:39.519 --> 00:12:42.240
Where we're willing to call out the misalignment.
00:12:42.559 --> 00:12:45.840
And again, we don't necessarily need to know what we're gonna do about it.
00:12:46.000 --> 00:12:57.200
We don't need to know what the next step is or or what the entire process is, but we just need to first admit very honestly, you know, and compassionately and tenderly to ourselves or with authority and ownership.
00:12:57.519 --> 00:13:00.399
This is just not good anymore.
00:13:00.639 --> 00:13:01.440
That's interesting, yeah.
00:13:01.600 --> 00:13:06.399
I mean, that's something both I'd say kind of comforting and unsettling.
00:13:06.799 --> 00:13:13.039
Like comforting because it's it means the answers are not outside of us.
00:13:13.519 --> 00:13:20.399
And at the same time, when I say unsettling, it because it means that we cannot outsource the work of figuring it out.
00:13:20.559 --> 00:13:30.080
So it can also be well, just to play on that real quick, it can also be incredibly unsettling because that means things are probably going to change.
00:13:30.480 --> 00:13:30.879
Yeah.
00:13:31.120 --> 00:13:37.200
And for me, my example of going sober, everything changed.
00:13:37.440 --> 00:13:46.240
My social life changed, my relationships changed, my relationship with myself changed, my identity changed, everything changed.
00:13:46.320 --> 00:13:47.519
And that was so scary.
00:13:47.679 --> 00:13:50.639
People ask, like, you know, what a brave decision you made.
00:13:50.720 --> 00:13:52.000
And yes, it was brave.
00:13:52.080 --> 00:13:56.000
And I was empowered because it was a problem and I wanted to do something about it.
00:13:56.080 --> 00:14:00.320
And oh my God, it was so scary because everything changed.
00:14:00.480 --> 00:14:14.639
And so that's the part that can get people hung up is like, yeah, you know, kind of sucks where I'm at in life right now, but I'm just gonna stay where I'm at because this is safer and more comfortable than everything changing, even if it's not actually comfortable, right?
00:14:14.799 --> 00:14:15.919
Perceived comfort.
00:14:16.240 --> 00:14:17.039
So I get it.
00:14:17.200 --> 00:14:24.480
It's it is very, it is radical and honest, and it's it's brave and courageous, and it's scary and confronting and confusing.
00:14:24.559 --> 00:14:34.799
And it's it's just one of these examples in life where two things can be true at the same time, and both are just gonna have to coexist for you to actually move forward and to move the move the needle forward.
00:14:35.039 --> 00:14:35.600
Yep.
00:14:35.840 --> 00:14:37.360
Yep, exactly.
00:14:37.600 --> 00:14:42.639
So and and one more one more part, which is one of my favorite is about the self-leadership.
00:14:42.879 --> 00:14:50.559
You talk about self-leadership, and I I really love that framing because it suggests that we are leading ourselves somewhere, right?
00:14:50.720 --> 00:14:52.799
And not just managing or optimizing.
00:14:53.039 --> 00:15:07.759
So when someone decides that they are ready to stop repeating the old patterns and actually lead themselves towards something different, then what are the practical or I mean the practical approach you find most helpful?
00:15:08.559 --> 00:15:11.039
Definitely it's like, what do I need to do next?
00:15:11.200 --> 00:15:13.039
You know, what is my plan of action?
00:15:13.279 --> 00:15:20.399
I'm so passionate about self-leadership because you're taking ownership of your transformation or your change.
00:15:20.639 --> 00:15:23.039
You are taking like leadership of yourself.
00:15:23.200 --> 00:15:24.559
You are the one in charge.
00:15:24.799 --> 00:15:27.279
You are the only one who can do it, right?
00:15:27.360 --> 00:15:28.639
No one else can do it for you.
00:15:28.720 --> 00:15:31.840
If you set a goal for yourself, no one else can do it for you.
00:15:31.919 --> 00:15:33.360
There's certain things you can outsource.
00:15:33.440 --> 00:15:33.840
Yes.
00:15:34.080 --> 00:15:35.759
I couldn't outsource my sobriety.
00:15:35.919 --> 00:15:39.200
No one else was going to swallow the alcohol except me, you know?
00:15:39.440 --> 00:15:46.879
And so that self-leadership is so empowering for you to just take your power back to do the next thing.
00:15:47.039 --> 00:15:51.360
So it would be like, what is the next best step for me to take?
00:15:51.519 --> 00:15:59.600
Sometimes it is going to be seeking counsel or a coach or, you know, an expert, and you get guidance, right?
00:15:59.759 --> 00:16:02.080
And you go and you walk hand in hand with someone.
00:16:02.240 --> 00:16:09.519
So self-leadership doesn't mean you have to do it on your own, but it does mean that you are finally taking ownership and you are back in control of yourself, right?
00:16:09.840 --> 00:16:11.120
But you have to follow through.
00:16:11.279 --> 00:16:13.039
You have to do the things you say you're gonna do.
00:16:13.200 --> 00:16:14.639
So it's just like, what is the next step?
00:16:14.799 --> 00:16:18.240
For me, for instance, when I got sober, this was almost nine years ago.
00:16:18.320 --> 00:16:20.480
And so I didn't really know what the options were.
00:16:20.559 --> 00:16:23.919
I my only reference of addiction and sobriety were for movies.
00:16:24.000 --> 00:16:27.039
And so I was like, because I didn't have addiction in my family.
00:16:27.200 --> 00:16:32.159
So I was like, okay, well, if I have a problem with alcohol, then I what the next step is I have to go to a treatment center.
00:16:32.320 --> 00:16:33.279
So that's what I did.
00:16:33.440 --> 00:16:35.600
Today, is that the right step for everyone?
00:16:35.759 --> 00:16:38.799
No, but you do need to figure out what the next step is going to be.
00:16:38.960 --> 00:16:39.679
And then you do that.
00:16:39.759 --> 00:16:41.759
And then from there you take the next thing.
00:16:41.840 --> 00:16:45.440
And and oftentimes it is going to be with support, right?
00:16:45.759 --> 00:16:50.879
Having guidance or following the path of someone who's who's already done the thing that you say you want to do.
00:16:51.440 --> 00:17:04.799
And I mean, obviously, like when someone starts doing this work, taking in honestly, using differently, so then what tends to kind of surprise them about that process?
00:17:06.000 --> 00:17:08.000
I think some there's two thoughts.
00:17:08.160 --> 00:17:10.640
And again, it's kind of both sides of the spectrum.
00:17:11.039 --> 00:17:15.599
I think we all really underestimate what we're capable of.
00:17:15.759 --> 00:17:17.920
You know, we hear quotes like you can do hard things.
00:17:18.000 --> 00:17:19.599
It's like you really can.
00:17:19.920 --> 00:17:22.559
Humans are exceptional beings.
00:17:22.799 --> 00:17:27.039
And what we are capable of doing is beyond comprehension.
00:17:27.279 --> 00:17:35.359
And so I think it's just like you get this practice, and you know, now like I got sober from substances and I know I don't have relapse as part of my story.
00:17:35.440 --> 00:17:36.960
Like I feel like I can take on the world.
00:17:37.119 --> 00:17:40.319
I mean, I just proved to myself I can do something really, really hard.
00:17:40.400 --> 00:17:44.640
And now I feel like I have evidence that I can do other hard things in my life, right?
00:17:44.799 --> 00:17:46.960
It transfers to multiple areas of my life.
00:17:47.119 --> 00:17:48.880
So that's that one side of it.
00:17:49.119 --> 00:17:53.839
The other side of it, though, what surprises people, I think, is how hard it is.
00:17:54.000 --> 00:17:55.759
It's like we want an easy button.
00:17:55.839 --> 00:18:00.480
You know, we live in this day and age where we get same-day delivery, instantaneous results.
00:18:00.559 --> 00:18:07.039
And sometimes it takes effort and it just takes a level of perseverance and commitment and dedication to the process.
00:18:07.279 --> 00:18:11.759
And I think it's like, don't be scared to start because it's going to be hard.
00:18:11.920 --> 00:18:16.799
Like suit up, show up, roll up your sleeves, and do the work that's required for you to get the results that you want.
00:18:16.960 --> 00:18:22.000
Because on the other side of that hard work is going to be this reward that is unmatched.
00:18:22.079 --> 00:18:27.680
And it's not even on the other side, it's also just in the process, in the process of the hard, in the messy middle.
00:18:27.759 --> 00:18:30.720
You're proving to yourself again that you can do hard things.
00:18:30.799 --> 00:18:32.480
So we we have both sides.
00:18:32.640 --> 00:18:36.319
You have like, oh my God, I didn't know it was going to be so hard, but oh my God, look what I can do.
00:18:36.400 --> 00:18:40.000
And oh wow, I am I am way more capable than I ever thought I was.
00:18:40.160 --> 00:18:41.680
So it's kind of full spectrum.
00:18:41.920 --> 00:18:42.240
Exactly.
00:18:42.319 --> 00:18:52.480
It sounds like the woke is not about becoming someone new, but it is someone, I mean, it is it is about becoming more honest about who you already are and what you actually meet.
00:18:52.640 --> 00:18:54.000
So yeah, that's interesting.
00:18:54.160 --> 00:18:54.240
Yeah.
00:18:54.480 --> 00:18:54.720
Yeah.
00:18:54.960 --> 00:19:00.160
We do we become this version and we're also who we already are.
00:19:00.400 --> 00:19:00.640
Yes.
00:19:00.799 --> 00:19:08.960
You know, and who are we when we're not suffocated under the layers and this, that, and the other, you know, when we start shedding some of that and just here we are.
00:19:09.200 --> 00:19:13.119
So there's a becoming, there's an unbecoming, it's it's all it's all of it.
00:19:13.359 --> 00:19:14.559
Yeah, I I really love that.
00:19:14.720 --> 00:19:21.839
And also, I believe this is this is one of the the best part, the most important part, because here's because it it actually trips people up.
00:19:22.000 --> 00:19:30.319
Like someone makes a kind of courageous decisions, breaks the pattern, starting something new, and then something happens.
00:19:31.440 --> 00:19:34.480
They slip back, doubt, they start doubting themselves.
00:19:34.640 --> 00:19:37.359
They wonder like if they have made the wrong call or not.
00:19:37.519 --> 00:19:38.559
So, how I mean what do you say?
00:19:38.720 --> 00:19:42.000
It's like, how do you help people handle those setbacks?
00:19:42.880 --> 00:19:48.319
Great question, because not everything is going to be in the absence of it happens.
00:19:48.480 --> 00:19:50.480
I mean, most of the time I have seen, yeah.
00:19:50.799 --> 00:19:51.119
Yeah.
00:19:51.279 --> 00:19:52.640
It's like we make mistakes.
00:19:52.720 --> 00:19:58.160
And so this whole like full circling the conversation to just to decision making, you make a decision.
00:19:58.319 --> 00:20:02.400
If it's the wrong decision, then you make a new decision, you know?
00:20:03.440 --> 00:20:06.960
I have a I've I call it failing forward.
00:20:07.200 --> 00:20:12.880
So sometimes we're going to trip and fall and fail, but there's always a lesson.
00:20:13.039 --> 00:20:17.359
There's always what happened, you know, what what was I feeling before that?
00:20:17.519 --> 00:20:20.319
Or what was the choice I made, or where was I?
00:20:20.480 --> 00:20:25.680
There's always data we can pull from it, which can then keep us moving forward.
00:20:25.839 --> 00:20:29.279
So yes, we tripped, we fell, but we don't have to digress.
00:20:29.440 --> 00:20:31.519
We don't have to stop momentum completely.
00:20:31.759 --> 00:20:36.240
We can use that to then make a more aligned, better next decision.
00:20:36.480 --> 00:20:38.640
I am very passionate about that.
00:20:38.960 --> 00:20:46.160
It is easy to give up, but I think giving up is actually harder because it hurts on a soul level.
00:20:46.319 --> 00:20:47.920
You know, you let yourself down.
00:20:48.000 --> 00:21:00.960
And I think that that sort of energetic exchange of emotion with yourself is going to be far more painful than the work that's required for you to pick yourself back up, brush off your, you know, your feet and your hands, and you keep going.
00:21:01.279 --> 00:21:01.759
Right.
00:21:02.160 --> 00:21:02.960
Exactly.
00:21:03.200 --> 00:21:03.839
Yeah.
00:21:04.720 --> 00:21:12.319
So so today who are listening right now, or maybe they'll be listening later, if you have to give them one advice, what that would be.
00:21:13.119 --> 00:21:19.039
You know, it's easy for me to sit here and say you're more powerful than you think you are, or like, don't underestimate yourself.
00:21:19.200 --> 00:21:23.519
Someone who's feeling really low is gonna like that's gonna be in one ear and out the other.
00:21:23.680 --> 00:21:28.160
If someone had told me that when I was at my lowest low, I I would have brushed them off, right?
00:21:28.799 --> 00:21:44.480
The advice that I would give is we often think that transformation has to be this big macro experience when really the little micro choices that we make can compound to give us a big macro experience.
00:21:44.720 --> 00:21:48.400
So there is so much truth in the whole, it doesn't have to be big.
00:21:48.640 --> 00:21:49.200
Start small.
00:21:49.359 --> 00:21:53.599
What are what are small changes you can make in your life?
00:21:54.000 --> 00:21:56.240
Those are again are going to stack.
00:21:56.319 --> 00:22:14.160
And then not only are they going to stack and ripple out into multiple areas of your life, but every time you do a micro thing and you prove to yourself you can do it and you strengthen your, you know, your perseverance and your dedication, your commitment and all of that, you trust yourself to then go to the next thing and then to the next thing.
00:22:14.240 --> 00:22:16.640
And then suddenly your decisions become bigger and bigger.
00:22:16.880 --> 00:22:19.440
So all of that to be said, it's okay to start small.
00:22:19.519 --> 00:22:22.720
And sometimes that's the best place to start, whatever that is.
00:22:22.799 --> 00:22:23.680
I don't have a clear example.
00:22:23.839 --> 00:22:27.279
For me, like with sobriety being my story, I couldn't exactly start small.
00:22:27.440 --> 00:22:33.119
I wasn't going to just, you know, try to only have a few drinks a week because I already tried that and it didn't work.
00:22:33.279 --> 00:22:36.079
So I did have to go from zero to a hundred total sobriety.
00:22:36.319 --> 00:22:37.920
So that was a big decision.
00:22:38.079 --> 00:22:42.400
But then everything after that, we're just like, okay, what's the little small decision I can make right now?
00:22:42.480 --> 00:22:46.160
And it just became, you know, all those little small decisions stacked.
00:22:46.240 --> 00:22:49.440
So that's what I would say is it doesn't have to be huge.
00:22:49.519 --> 00:22:54.480
It will, it will become huge organically on its own with all the small little decisions that you make along the way.
00:22:54.799 --> 00:22:55.359
Exactly.
00:22:55.519 --> 00:22:59.279
And if listeners wants to connect with you, what would be the great medium to connect?
00:22:59.599 --> 00:23:02.640
The best way to find me is online, laurenfay.co.
00:23:02.799 --> 00:23:04.559
That's laurenfay.co.
00:23:04.960 --> 00:23:09.839
From there, it'll drop you into my ecosystem with coaching, consulting, keynote speaking.
00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:13.839
I also have a book, it's an award-winning book called Blurred Lines.
00:23:14.000 --> 00:23:28.400
And while it is through the storytelling of my addiction and sobriety, it very much carries just the universal lessons of decision making, the power of choice, the resilience of the human spirit, the ability to do hard things.
00:23:28.559 --> 00:23:35.200
And so it's a very inspiring book that if addiction doesn't apply to you, could still be a very applicable read.
00:23:36.160 --> 00:23:37.119
Exactly.
00:23:37.519 --> 00:23:42.400
So the listeners, what I'll do is I'll put all the links, details, everything into the show notes for the easy reference.
00:23:42.559 --> 00:23:52.480
And let's say, like, you know, like you are not one decision away from the profession, you are one courageous choice away from a different tragedy.
00:23:53.519 --> 00:23:53.839
Right?
00:23:53.920 --> 00:23:57.440
So, Lauren, thank you so much, first of all, uh, for sharing these perspectives.
00:23:57.519 --> 00:24:04.400
It is really, really helpful for people to understand and differentiate about who they are and who they want to become, right?
00:24:04.559 --> 00:24:06.480
So that is that is really, really helpful.
00:24:06.559 --> 00:24:28.960
And for all the listeners, like if you're listening or you'll be listening later, whether the decision you are standing in front of right now, or maybe today, the one that feels too big or too small or too uncertain, just remember one thing that the trajectory changes not when everything is clear, but when you take the next true step away.
00:24:30.640 --> 00:24:34.960
So, with this, this is your host awake, and this is my news machine, and I will see you in the next one.
00:24:35.200 --> 00:24:36.000
Thank you so much.