What Do Women Really Want from Men? | MENtality with Ebuka, Banky W, Toolz & Toke Makinwa

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Men can't keep talking about masculinity without women being a part of the conversation.
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On today's episode of Mentality with Abuka, joined by my co-host Banky W, as well as Media Personality, Tools, and Tokemakiwa.
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This season of mentality with Abuka is brought to you by Schweppes and the Glenn Leavett.
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Yo, don't worry, it will be easy on you guys.
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How are you guys doing?
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We're good.
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Working moms?
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Yes.
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Actually, that's good.
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Trying to keep the hustle alive.
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Do you know the picture I just had in my mind?
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How we literally almost all started at the same time.
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And there was an era where we were single, music, TV, TV, TV.
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Look at us here.
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Parents.
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Yes, parents.
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Parents and podcasters.
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Someone grown up.
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Someone somewhat grown up.
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Can you believe that we're the parents now?
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Who trusted us to do such?
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Hey.
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Wow.
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Well, you know what?
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I think everyone's doing a good job.
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I mean, I just started, so I don't know if you can mark my script yet.
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Doing well so far.
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How's it been though?
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Um, very interesting, honestly.
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I think for me, more mental than anything else.
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Like the mental struggle in getting back to who I am, you know, has been quite challenging.
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But I'm grateful for work and distractions and the gym because I thug it out in there.
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I'm in the gym crying, just letting out all the steam.
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And you know, I'm I'm beginning to accept that I might not be the old me anymore, but I'm welcoming this new me.
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You need to accept that.
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I was gonna say, you are six years, seven years in now.
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Seven years, gonna be eight years at the end of this.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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So is she right in saying you won't be the same person anymore?
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She'll never be the same, but it's it's not necessarily a bad thing.
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Because one of the things that I um realized um after I became a mom is it's just weird how there's there's before there's there was you before the kids and then you after the kids.
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So after I became a mom, it's it felt like every cell in my body had a part of like my kids.
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So in terms of everything I was thinking about, I just like there was a massive shift in how I thought about things.
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And at first I was like, what is going on?
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Um, it took me a while to kind of get like a good balance on everything.
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Um, I think because I was in denial, so I didn't really feel that I had changed that much.
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But then when I, you know, sat down and thought about it and realized, okay, I have changed, and it's not a bad thing.
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Um, yeah, it's it, but according to research, it takes women a few years to get back to kind of like close to where they were after having kids.
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But I guess it's different for different women.
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Yeah, yeah.
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I think that YOLO effect, you know, how before I'm like, let's go, I can change it.
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YOLO, I can't YOLO as if I find myself thinking about her all the time.
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All the time, and it's like, is it healthy to think about this?
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So I have a question about this.
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Do you feel like sorry?
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Yes, go ahead.
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We've never even told her.
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We've not introduced ourselves, sorry, please.
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This episode is gonna be long.
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But anyway, it's still mentality with Ebuka and of course Banky W here.
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Um, but it's a special edition.
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Um, when we launched this show last year, I got a lot of feedback from women saying, ah, we have a lot to say as a right of reply or whatever it is that you guys have been saying.
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Your mouth was very sharp.
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You particular.
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But um, we also have gotten a lot of people telling us, oh, I like what you guys are doing, but there's some things we want to clarify, or we want an opportunity to actually now ask men questions uh from our perspective.
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Um, I don't know if we're ready for that.
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Oh, you guys are not ready for that.
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Why are you why are you like that?
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Why are you guys like that?
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Yeah, we have Tokemakinwa and Tolu Demur.
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Yeah, yeah.
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Thank you very much.
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Thank you for being here today.
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Thank you for having us.
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Thank you for having us.
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And you were gonna ask now, Bankie.
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So, my question was along the lines of what we were talking about, is there a challenge when you become a parent to not losing yourself or your relationship?
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Because like with Susu and I, we still try to prioritize like date nights, but then you find that you go on date nights, and the first thing that you are nanicam, yeah, yeah, is it not even nanny camp, even your conversation, you're like, oh, and then you're talking about Zaya or his guy, like you it's they take up so much of your world.
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So, how do you navigate like still being a mom?
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I mean, still see, I should even say mom, still being a wife or work or anything else, like without like do you feel like a need to, and I guess it's to both of you because you're both you've both been parents longer.
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Yeah, like do you feel like um you know what I mean?
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I'm going to is this a safe space?
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It's a safe space.
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You should we can ask vote for the comment section.
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You know what?
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I can trust like next week now be like, oh, that's how you said this.
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I'll be like, um, anyways, so I have to be very honest.
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I um I think I struggled, you know, um just getting the right balance, you know, being like a wife, being like a mom, and then also doing what I do, like, you know, career-wise.
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So it was a bit of a struggle.
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And again, I think it was because I was in denial, but then I also hadn't done that before, hadn't done this whole thing before.
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So I just was like, oh, this is what it's supposed to be like.
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Yeah.
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Um, and then there was a time that I mean, you guys knew me before I, you know, before your friend colonized me and everything.
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Um, so you knew me before I got married, you knew you knew me before I became a mom and everything.
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And I just remember there was one day that I was out, um, I think I was out with some friends, or I I can't remember.
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And then um they asked me, oh, so what do you like doing in your spare time?
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And I was like, and I literally couldn't answer because I literally had just, it was just wife, mom, wife, mom, wife, mom.
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And I just was like, that's not, that's not great.
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So at the beginning, I can understand when you're like very, very into, I mean, you've got to keep this this little thing alive that thrive and everything.
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Um, but then I think, and as a woman, I will say that it's very, very important to do um the things that you used to do.
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You, I don't think you will ever be who you were before, but you can be close to or you can be like a new version.
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But you can be better.
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Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
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You could be better.
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You can be better.
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So if you think about it, and I always use this example um just to illustrate things.
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So uh a lot of guys, there are a lot of guys out there that maybe do five-aside football every weekend, every every weekend, like they've been doing doing it for years with their guy friends and everything.
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And when they become, when they get married, when they become dads, they still do the five-aside football.
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Yeah.
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Everyone.
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I think it's easy for men to to do that though.
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Yes.
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When I see a lot of couples, um, and this is not trying to think that men don't have it worse, because I don't know the struggles of being a parent and what it's like for a man.
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But I feel like men's life don't necessarily, I don't see it change so drastically.
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Because even in I see friends who would be like, she's taking care of the kids, she's gone to the gym, and I'm like, Oh, you probably need to go to the gym too, but she can make that time out because if she does, who's gonna be with the kid?
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But the guy will find a way to still sleep in a separate room because the mom has to nurse the baby.
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So I I don't think it's the same struggle, but I might be wrong.
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I also I also think that wait, I also think that when it comes to who is expected to give something up, generally it's the woman.
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So if, for example, before you know you had kids, before you got married, whatever, if maybe you love dancing, maybe dancing is like what feeds your soul, what keeps you alive, I think as much as possible you should find some time to do that.
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Still did that.
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I think you guys are right, to be honest, because I mean, thinking back to my my kid is 10 this year.
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Um I know, I know, right?
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Teenage years coming.
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Like you guys said, I think we all sort of were just figuring it out when it happened.
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Yes, thankfully, we live in a country where there's help, whether it's family or you know, whatever else.
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Um, so we have it maybe a little easier than a lot of other people world.
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Yeah, I mean, you lived in America for a year plus with a newborn, yeah.
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And I know how you were when you came back.
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You were like, I said, I need to go to Lagos, I need to leave this place.
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You didn't realize how much you missed Lagos until that.
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So, on that level, yes, that helps.
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So it makes things a little easier, but uh there's no denying the fact that in that moment when all is said and done, the woman gives up a lot more, um, or is expected to give up a lot more.
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I mean, not everybody has the luxury of giving up because some people have to get back to work two weeks after.
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Yeah, I was at the women's conference recently where I think it was Lola, the OAP who said she went back to work two weeks after she gave birth.
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She's lying, yeah, because she and I think I'm having a tough time, and this is radio.
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You do you both have done radio?
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You know how tasking radio is like you're there.
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She was with her baby there breastfeeding, and but she had to go back to work.
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So some people have men can go back to work, but men don't go back with the baby, or rarely do.
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Yeah, you know, at least in this part of the world.
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So it's a fact that you know, I guess the adjusting is harder on that side.
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What I think happens with men is you mentioned denial there, and it was very interesting to me.
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I I know that for one, for a long time I wasn't sure why certain things needed to be stopped.
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You know, whether it was with marriage or with being a parent, you just felt like we'll figure it out as we go along.
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But it took a lot of being conscious to who your partner is or what your partner needs.
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And of course, my wife Cynthia reminding me like, you know, it's me and you inside this thing, right?
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Now we follow up on this, and then that's when your guys are saying, No, we know they see you again outside, you know.
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It now becomes a case of now, wow, madam has carried you away.
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Yeah, which some guys see as a weakness, yeah, because you're no longer that guy, but then it's also because you started a family and the priorities have shifted, yeah, and you then have to consciously be there.
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If not, I mean, sometimes it's you now have a resentful partner or a kid who's not necessarily brought up with uh the kind of wholesomeness that you want, or it leads to the end of the entire situation, if at all.
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So I totally agree.
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How was it for you?
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Um, so I I think for me, I've always prioritized being a present dad.
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So, and also because I know that like the women carry the baby, right?
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Like you you go through so much with birth, the the pregnancy period and the labor and the delivery, and in seeing all of that, I don't think a man can really look at all of that, and then after the child is there, you're not saying or not, a man should because men do.
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You look at all of that, and then after the child now comes, you're now saying, you know, I'll leave you your children and go out and do it.
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So I always tried to prioritize being there as much as possible.
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Also from the standpoint of realizing that as a dad, your superpower is really just in being present, like just being there, you can be a superhero to this little human who thinks you're the greatest person in the world.
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So I think for nothing for you.
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Well, obviously, there are other things like providing and all of that, but I think you hear stories all the time, at least maybe I hear stories all the time of people whose fathers provided but were never present, and something ends up being missing.
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So I never wanted to be the kind of dad that paid for everything but never showed up.
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So I changed the diapers, I woke up and trended 100%.
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So I did that like you were saying about it at birth.
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Once Cynthia gave birth, she's like, okay, my wife expressed over to me, it was important to do that because otherwise you are never going to sleep.
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So express into the bottle and let's get this baby with still breast milk, but let's get this baby taken from the bottle as quickly as possible so that when it's my shit, you can rest and I can just do everything until it's time for you to get up and do yours.
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I looked kind of shocked because I was watching the Nelly and Ashanti show where Nelly publicly said, I'll do everything, but I ain't gonna change those that don't.
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We don't believe in that.
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And I was like, wow, you know, on national TV, where you literally say, I'll provide the nannies, I'll pay for this, I'll do that.
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And I feel like a lot of men have that mentality, so it's very interesting to see you know, you guys say that you get dirty, change the diapers, and do all of that.
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It's very interesting.
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I think to be honest, sorry, go ahead.
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Yeah, I think what if when Banky was talking, um, I think there's I want to say be present and have sense.
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Not just be present and not just like physically just be there.
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Yes, I think sense is assumed in my surprise.
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I would be very surprised because there's some people that you know think that in terms of you know the dad's job, okay, oh yeah, I can hold a baby for like 10 minutes.
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And I'm like, no, it's deeper than that.
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It's deeper than that.
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You kind of really have to, um, as a woman, I'll tell you that in terms of the craziest I've ever felt mentally, it was after um when I was pregnant, after having a baby, there was, and that sleep deprivation.
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Oh my gosh.
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Almost the sleep deprivation.
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And Asher, our first son, had this thing where um I think he was a few weeks old, and he would wake up, like he did this for like over a week.
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He would wake up at like one o'clock or two o'clock in the morning, like clockwork, and he would just start screaming.
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I was I was about to call 999 and be like, I don't know what to do.
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What do I do?
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And I obviously got to the point where like 12 o'clock, I'd be so tired.
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But I'm like, he's gonna wake up, he's gonna wake up.
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So I wouldn't sleep.
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So I ended up go getting to this cycle of I was scared to sleep.
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And when we did come back to Nigeria, um Captain had to like go for training.
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And I didn't have a nanny, I didn't have my mom was still like in London.
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So it was me and this thing, this creature, this new creature, like just in the house.
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And I don't have like a I don't have like a house made.
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I don't, so I'm just like, what do I do now?
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And I was I got to a point where I was so scared to sleep because I was like, I'm so tired that if I sleep, I might sleep for like a whole week.
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Yeah.
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So I remember um my sister just happened to be around and she came to see me, and I just literally just gave her the baby and I just crashed.
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Yeah, how long were you out for?
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I don't even know.
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I just said, here you go.
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I just said you know, food, everything, I just need to sleep.
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You know, so I think it's very important to have somebody there that knows, yeah, you know, what to do, and then somebody that's all also like, you know what, go and go and get your hair done.
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Yeah, go and do this, go and do, you know, because yeah, honestly, like a big shout out to um my friend Bola for dragging me out and just making sure, like, you know, I got dressed and we did something because you don't have time, you don't have time to get all of these things done.
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So to have like, you know, partner or somebody around you that's going to be like, I've got this, go and do this, go and do that, go and do something that will make you feel good.
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That's so important.
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Yeah.
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Can I share something?
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Okay.
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So, and just just on this topic of like losing yourself in the process of having kids.
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So, when we went, I was doing my master's, and we, you know, I had already decided to do my master's, and then we got pregnant.
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We got pregnant with baby number two.
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So we were in the States, I was doing my master's, I was doing a fellowship on Capitol Hill, and then we were birthing a newborn.
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Whoa, and we had no nanny, no house help, no nothing.
00:16:02.399 --> 00:16:09.840
So after the baby got there, I was on such an intense schedule, and my wife was as well, because it was just the two of us.
00:16:09.919 --> 00:16:20.000
So I would, you know, be in class or whatever, you know, at my fellowship, and then I would come home, and because I've been gone for so many hours, I would then take over the kids.
00:16:20.240 --> 00:16:25.840
And don't forget, we have Zaya who's also who also needs to be engaged with and just give us some hours to rest.
00:16:26.080 --> 00:16:31.120
And I remember one time I looked, you know how your Fitbit tells you like your steps and your sleep.
00:16:31.279 --> 00:16:38.240
And my sleep said it gave me like an alarm, and it said, you are averaging an hour 52 minutes of sleep a night.
00:16:38.639 --> 00:16:45.039
I was so tired that I was getting into class and I was just like, I wouldn't even know, my head would just go down.
00:16:45.279 --> 00:16:54.879
And I remember one day I missed a deadline for a paper because I was just trying to do everything, and you know, and you know I see this now.
00:16:55.200 --> 00:16:58.720
And I remember my teacher sent me an email and he said, Mr.
00:16:58.879 --> 00:17:01.200
Wellington, you missed the deadline for this paper.
00:17:01.440 --> 00:17:04.880
As you know, this is 20-something percent of your grade.
00:17:06.079 --> 00:17:07.599
Let me know when you plan on anything.
00:17:07.759 --> 00:17:12.640
And I just had to I just you know, at that point, I was just like, sir, this is where I am, this is my story.
00:17:13.200 --> 00:17:17.119
You know, I'm struggling with this, that, and I'm trying to keep it all together, and I'm struggling.
00:17:18.079 --> 00:17:25.920
And the one of the kindest things that anybody has ever done for us, the man said I should come and see him after class the next day.
00:17:26.000 --> 00:17:28.799
And he said, Hey, we'll extend the deadline for your paper.
00:17:29.119 --> 00:17:32.960
He said, but also I can sense that you and your wife need a day.
00:17:33.200 --> 00:17:38.319
He said, So me and my daughter, mind you, this guy was in Clinton's cabinet.
00:17:38.880 --> 00:17:45.440
He's like, you know, those people have been, they've reached the like the heights of uh public policy, they're now just teaching for fun.
00:17:46.720 --> 00:17:48.400
He said, Me and my daughter are coming.
00:17:48.559 --> 00:17:50.960
We're gonna uh take over your kids for a day.
00:17:51.279 --> 00:17:55.039
Oh wow, he said, I'm gonna give you$200 for your date.
00:17:55.119 --> 00:17:56.799
You and your wife just go out and do something.
00:17:56.880 --> 00:17:58.079
I said, Sir, no, we don't need them.
00:17:58.319 --> 00:17:58.880
He said, No.
00:17:59.039 --> 00:18:03.920
He said, I've been there when it's like the sleep deprivation because it's a torture tactic.
00:18:04.160 --> 00:18:04.559
Yeah, it is.
00:18:04.640 --> 00:18:06.319
Yeah, that's how they get terrorists to talk.
00:18:06.640 --> 00:18:08.240
They keep you awake for three, four days.
00:18:08.319 --> 00:18:09.519
Before you know it, you're delirious.
00:18:09.920 --> 00:18:11.680
Like he's like, you guys need a day.
00:18:11.920 --> 00:18:20.640
So he came with his daughter, they took over the two kids from us, we went to the movies, went bullying, and it was just like we could just breathe and be like, you know what?
00:18:20.799 --> 00:18:23.039
We're in this thing together, we're gonna be okay.
00:18:23.119 --> 00:18:33.119
And his his whole thing to me was when you get to the point where you see another young couple in this position do the same thing for somebody else, and it was the kindest thing.
00:18:33.759 --> 00:18:34.880
There was there was actually something that's been a good thing.
00:18:36.480 --> 00:18:45.359
There's something that you just said there that I think is so so incredibly important when you know you're dealing with like a um situation where there's like a husband and wife, and you're in this together.
00:18:45.680 --> 00:18:57.039
You're actually once once you are you actually agree, and once it's not like okay, it's your job to look after the kids, and I'm just you know, once you say, Look, we're in this together, I think it makes it much easier.
00:18:57.279 --> 00:19:03.039
Um, because it just this just reminded me of like our second son, um, and he was born during COVID.
00:19:03.680 --> 00:19:18.079
So we were pandemic babies, so we were stuck over there, and then I just remember I didn't even know how we were gonna figure things out because it was early COVID times, so everybody like nobody knew what was gonna happen.
00:19:18.319 --> 00:19:28.160
So I was um obviously having you know our second baby, and our first son um chairman was with Captain, and I was like, I think we'd kind of just agreed.
00:19:28.319 --> 00:19:32.000
Yeah, as long as he eats, as long as he's running around, he's fine.
00:19:32.319 --> 00:19:42.000
So there'll be times that there'll be times that I'd I'd come out of the room, obviously, could after looking, you know, after the baby, and um he showered, but his clothes are wrinkled, yeah.
00:19:42.160 --> 00:19:46.799
And you know, and I'm like, he has cereal, he had breakfast, thank God.
00:19:47.039 --> 00:19:48.960
He's running around, he's okay, thank God.
00:19:49.200 --> 00:19:53.200
So I think at that point we kind of just said, it's it's me and you, yeah.
00:19:53.599 --> 00:19:55.440
Because my mom obviously couldn't come.
00:19:55.599 --> 00:20:09.599
Um, my sisters who would normally you know help us, who had helped us, you know, with our first child, they couldn't come because obviously there was, you know, there was COVID lockdown, so it was just two of us, and we're just like, okay, it's two of us, and we gotta figure out.
00:20:09.839 --> 00:20:10.880
So we're gonna figure it out.
00:20:10.960 --> 00:20:12.079
Yeah, that's amazing.
00:20:12.319 --> 00:20:19.279
Yeah, so when you were saying that, and I I remember all I said about Lola earlier, going back to work two weeks after giving birth.
00:20:19.519 --> 00:20:25.359
But yeah, you have a system where they're trying to help you take time off, even if it's just for a day.
00:20:25.519 --> 00:20:26.799
And I want to come to both of you now.
00:20:26.880 --> 00:20:34.480
So you've I mean you've worked, I don't know if the media space is male-dominated, but work in Nigeria in general.
00:20:35.599 --> 00:20:39.680
At least on the level of hosting events, for example, I want to know.
00:20:39.759 --> 00:20:43.599
I I think men have sort of held that space for a while.
00:20:43.759 --> 00:20:53.039
I was speaking at an event recently where if it's a man and a woman hosting, if I'm hosting, co-hosting with anybody that's female, I'm automatically the host, and she's the co-host.
00:20:53.359 --> 00:20:57.359
The woman is always the add-on in the description of things.
00:20:57.519 --> 00:21:01.039
If something is going wrong on the show, they come to me to briefly.
00:21:01.680 --> 00:21:02.880
I think we've had a couple of times.
00:21:03.039 --> 00:21:04.480
Yeah, yeah, we've done that a few times.
00:21:04.559 --> 00:21:04.720
Yeah.
00:21:04.880 --> 00:21:11.680
So I guess my question is handling, you know, like I mentioned about Lolo, how women exist in this space, right?
00:21:12.079 --> 00:21:25.039
But you both have reason in both your fields, got into the pinnacle of your careers, done things that a lot of people haven't been able to do while still looking good doing it.
00:21:25.200 --> 00:21:27.279
Because you weren't looking like you were going through it.
00:21:27.839 --> 00:21:28.799
If you know what I mean.
00:21:29.119 --> 00:21:31.279
You don't think you were times?
00:21:31.519 --> 00:21:32.240
But we didn't see it.
00:21:32.480 --> 00:21:33.279
There were times.
00:21:33.519 --> 00:21:34.240
If you know what I mean.
00:21:34.319 --> 00:21:36.799
So it was like you see, look like you had things together.
00:21:37.119 --> 00:21:50.640
Not even about motherhood now, just as a woman navigating these spaces where it feels like you know, a lot of men take things for granted, but we don't necessarily know what you guys went through to either be a toy or even surpass your male counterparts and all of that.
00:21:50.799 --> 00:21:53.119
Was it as easy as it looked?
00:21:53.279 --> 00:21:55.359
Or was it as hard as some people say?
00:21:55.839 --> 00:21:56.640
Absolutely not.
00:21:56.799 --> 00:21:59.680
I'm still excited for the generation that is coming after us.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:04.640
Because I think that we have paid the price for a lot of things that they are enjoying today.
00:22:04.799 --> 00:22:09.680
Because as you rightfully said, be it media, music, the entertainment industry, is a male domain.
00:22:09.920 --> 00:22:11.440
Sorry, I always say it's music is the worst.
00:22:11.839 --> 00:22:12.240
I swear.
00:22:12.480 --> 00:22:13.839
Male dominated field.
00:22:14.079 --> 00:22:21.359
I worked on a radio station where even in marketing, right, I was on the most important show of the day, which is the morning show, right?
00:22:21.599 --> 00:22:32.559
Uh marketers will come, you know, they're you know how things you have a show flow, but at some point, some things will be needed, added, this, and they would walk straight to the guy with me there.
00:22:32.640 --> 00:22:34.240
I say, This just came in.
00:22:34.319 --> 00:22:39.119
The clients are something, and one day I had to stop one of them to say, I am my chop lever.
00:22:39.279 --> 00:22:40.240
I don't understand.
00:22:40.480 --> 00:22:43.119
If he says yes and I say no, it's not gonna go.
00:22:44.000 --> 00:22:44.640
Because it was your show.
00:22:46.160 --> 00:22:47.839
It's both our shows, okay, right?
00:22:48.160 --> 00:22:48.880
But we have to agree.
00:22:51.440 --> 00:22:58.079
And then it happens every time, and that's why I would always be grateful for guys like you, like uh um Basket Mouth.
00:22:58.240 --> 00:23:02.799
Because I I remember one time I was hosting a gig in Abuja, Basket Mouth was the co-host.
00:23:02.960 --> 00:23:05.200
I've been there for two days, three days rehearsing.
00:23:05.279 --> 00:23:12.400
He flew in two hours before the show, and his backstage, and they're coming to meet when Basket Mouse said, My guy, I don't know what to do.
00:23:13.920 --> 00:23:15.680
Like, if you know, talk to Ram, you're on your own.
00:23:16.000 --> 00:23:17.680
May I just here to add support?
00:23:17.839 --> 00:23:20.000
I know several times you've also done that for me.
00:23:20.319 --> 00:23:27.039
So there are men who have also helped to, you know, champion uh uh voices, you know, to say this is not right.
00:23:27.359 --> 00:23:32.319
But it's it's I I look at the girls in the in the field today, yeah, they have it easier than we did.
00:23:32.480 --> 00:23:32.720
Uh uh.
00:23:32.880 --> 00:23:35.680
Then you're trying to negotiate to get paid a certain amount of money.
00:23:35.839 --> 00:23:39.440
They are begging the guy, let's say you're saying, Oh, please pay me 15 million now.
00:23:39.759 --> 00:23:42.400
They'll look you in the face and say, The client does not have budget.
00:23:42.720 --> 00:23:44.240
What do you need the money for?
00:23:44.400 --> 00:23:47.359
But they are begging Abuka to just manage 15 million.
00:23:47.519 --> 00:23:48.640
Do you see the difference in the conversation?
00:23:48.880 --> 00:23:51.200
When Abuka said, not in, I beg bros, just manage.
00:23:51.279 --> 00:23:53.440
But you is like, ah, this old client's hazard.
00:23:53.680 --> 00:23:59.440
You can't even get this if we start, girl, girl, if we start, we're gonna be here.
00:23:59.839 --> 00:24:08.720
But I just want to actually give um give you a huge shout out because uh you've you know we've had like a few conversations and you've done the whole motherhood thing fantastically well.
00:24:08.880 --> 00:24:11.200
Like, I was in my mind, I was like, she's gonna take a break.
00:24:11.279 --> 00:24:12.880
Toket did not take no break.
00:24:18.079 --> 00:24:26.880
And I remember when I remember when I when I came to see you, and I was just like, take a breath, and she's like, Oh no, I need to look this, I need to, and I was just like, you know what?
00:24:27.039 --> 00:24:28.160
I respect that hustle.
00:24:28.480 --> 00:24:38.559
I respect the hustle because it is not easy, because like I said, mentally you're trying to get yourself straight, and then your body has changed.
00:24:38.880 --> 00:24:41.680
Your body has changed, and you're just like, whoa.
00:24:42.079 --> 00:24:52.720
So um, I I always think about the women that um in terms of getting back to being close to where they were before they they had babies, it takes a while.
00:24:53.039 --> 00:24:58.960
Like, do you know that you know I've I've read about some women like losing their um losing their eyesight?
00:24:59.599 --> 00:25:03.759
Um someone I didn't even know you could you could your voice could change, just different things.
00:25:04.079 --> 00:25:05.440
My hair thinned out, which I took.
00:25:06.000 --> 00:25:07.680
People thought that I cut my hair for fun.
00:25:07.759 --> 00:25:09.200
Yeah, I cut my hair for fun.
00:25:09.440 --> 00:25:10.640
Now my hair thinned out.
00:25:10.960 --> 00:25:15.759
That was my my hair, my hair fell out, and then it took a while for my nose to get back.
00:25:16.160 --> 00:25:19.119
My makeup parties will contour, contour, contour, contour.
00:25:19.839 --> 00:25:21.200
This will be contour more.
00:25:21.920 --> 00:25:23.119
Yeah, it took a while.
00:25:23.200 --> 00:25:28.640
So I don't remember how Sick used to fight me because this gym thing you mentioned when she's pregnant.
00:25:28.720 --> 00:25:30.240
I'm just like, oh yeah, I'll see you later.
00:25:30.400 --> 00:25:31.519
Um I'm getting abs.
00:25:32.880 --> 00:25:33.920
She's like, Are you okay?
00:25:34.079 --> 00:25:35.440
Are you serious at all?
00:25:37.519 --> 00:25:41.039
Yeah, I I I felt like it was it was important for me to put on sympathy weights.
00:25:41.519 --> 00:25:43.599
So I think that's your story.
00:25:44.400 --> 00:25:45.359
Let's go with that.
00:25:45.759 --> 00:25:50.240
Um, what's one thing that you think that men don't understand about women?
00:25:50.400 --> 00:25:51.359
Either everything.
00:25:51.519 --> 00:25:52.559
Either, oh wow, okay.
00:25:52.799 --> 00:25:53.039
Everything.
00:25:53.279 --> 00:25:56.559
Tell her okay, pick one up one or two, and tell us about that.
00:25:56.799 --> 00:26:00.000
I just what do you wish that men understood better?
00:26:00.240 --> 00:26:01.599
That it's not that hard.
00:26:01.680 --> 00:26:10.720
And if you just communicate it to her, and just like women are very transparent about what they want and what they need.
00:26:10.880 --> 00:26:15.839
They might not necessarily say it, but if you're with someone for a period of time, so you want us to be mind readers.
00:26:16.079 --> 00:26:17.519
No, I'm not saying mind readers, right?
00:26:17.680 --> 00:26:22.880
I'm saying that it doesn't take much for a woman to let a man know what she wants.
00:26:23.039 --> 00:26:28.559
In my opinion, women need three basic things I can think about right now, right?
00:26:28.880 --> 00:26:30.400
I think women need to feel safe.
00:26:30.559 --> 00:26:33.920
Security is at the top of the very list, like the list.
00:26:34.240 --> 00:26:35.759
Mine needs to break that down for people that don't know.
00:26:36.319 --> 00:26:38.160
Girl preacher, I thank God I have you here.
00:26:38.400 --> 00:26:40.160
I feel like, you know, this whole men are from us.
00:26:41.440 --> 00:26:46.480
And women are from this is is literally exactly as it sounds.
00:26:46.799 --> 00:26:52.240
A woman just needs to feel secure, appreciated, um, and feel heard.
00:26:52.400 --> 00:26:53.119
You know what I mean?
00:26:53.279 --> 00:26:56.000
And sometimes it's like you're hitting a brick wall.
00:26:56.240 --> 00:27:02.559
We don't want to feel like we're repeating ourselves over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.
00:27:02.720 --> 00:27:04.480
And then when we do, they say we nag.
00:27:04.640 --> 00:27:09.839
And it's like, bro, if you heard the first time, if you heard the first time, we would be able to repeat myself.
00:27:10.480 --> 00:27:11.359
And then we hear them.
00:27:11.519 --> 00:27:14.559
Funny enough, a woman we hear, we study our men quickly.
00:27:14.960 --> 00:27:17.359
We we we hear what's not being said as well.
00:27:17.599 --> 00:27:20.400
But then for us, just come on, just just so here's the thing.
00:27:20.480 --> 00:27:22.160
Are you guys why is back in the kick scares?
00:27:23.279 --> 00:27:23.920
No, no, no, no.
00:27:27.359 --> 00:27:30.960
You you said something there now, you repeat yourself, blah blah blah.
00:27:31.119 --> 00:27:38.799
There's also many times where women expect you to know something when they insinuate it.
00:27:39.440 --> 00:27:42.319
Right now, this is me speaking at what I said.
00:27:42.640 --> 00:27:47.599
But before you learn, let me just say before she expects you, she has told you you probably wasn't listening.
00:27:47.759 --> 00:27:49.599
She has said it one time, you didn't hear now.
00:27:49.680 --> 00:27:50.559
She now will start painting.
00:27:50.720 --> 00:27:51.680
She doesn't want to come out in now.
00:27:52.079 --> 00:27:54.799
She's insinuated it a lot and thought she said it.
00:27:55.039 --> 00:27:56.160
Or expected me to understand.
00:27:56.559 --> 00:27:59.119
So you all agree that she insinuated a lot.
00:27:59.440 --> 00:28:02.079
So that's insinuation is not directly speaking.
00:28:02.960 --> 00:28:04.880
Devil's advocates, more than no point for trouble.
00:28:05.039 --> 00:28:06.720
Listen, most times, but here's the difference.
00:28:07.599 --> 00:28:11.440
Most most times a guy wants something, he's gonna tell you, please can you move that?
00:28:12.640 --> 00:28:15.440
So do women do true, and I think women do.
00:28:15.599 --> 00:28:17.920
Okay, so let me let me break this down, right?
00:28:18.319 --> 00:28:19.200
We walk past.
00:28:19.359 --> 00:28:22.240
Wait, I know it's your show, you can have it back in a second.
00:28:22.799 --> 00:28:24.240
You can have it back in a second.
00:28:24.720 --> 00:28:26.319
We walk past, right?
00:28:26.480 --> 00:28:28.000
I'm with I'm I'm with somebody.
00:28:28.160 --> 00:28:32.079
We walk past, there's like a you know, um a florist shop or whatever.
00:28:32.319 --> 00:28:34.640
We will pass, I'm like, oh my gosh, those flowers are so beautiful.
00:28:34.799 --> 00:28:36.319
Oh my gosh, the roses are this and that.
00:28:36.720 --> 00:28:40.559
Are you you cannot use your sense to understand that she might want to be?
00:28:40.799 --> 00:28:42.000
Appreciate flowers.
00:28:42.160 --> 00:28:44.240
Okay, let me let me let me give you an example.
00:28:44.480 --> 00:28:45.359
One second, let me talk with this.
00:28:45.599 --> 00:28:46.880
Okay, finishing flowers.
00:28:47.200 --> 00:28:48.400
So, why can you not use it?
00:28:48.480 --> 00:28:51.680
Have you ever said have you ever said, Oh, I really like flowers?
00:28:51.839 --> 00:28:52.319
That's the difference.
00:28:57.519 --> 00:29:00.880
Maybe you like the shop, not the and I keep and I comment on the flowers.
00:29:03.440 --> 00:29:04.240
I don't want to understand.
00:29:04.319 --> 00:29:05.279
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:29:08.480 --> 00:29:10.240
If you don't take your time, we'll scatter your face.
00:29:11.599 --> 00:29:12.319
I've been watching it.
00:29:12.480 --> 00:29:13.119
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:29:13.200 --> 00:29:14.880
Let me okay, let me let me let me let me paint it.
00:29:14.960 --> 00:29:15.759
Let me paint a picture.
00:29:15.920 --> 00:29:16.160
Okay.
00:29:17.279 --> 00:29:18.480
And I know where you guys live.
00:29:18.960 --> 00:29:22.400
So you know, please, I don't feel safe, you didn't come in there.
00:29:22.559 --> 00:29:23.359
This is what I was coming to.
00:29:23.599 --> 00:29:24.480
So who lives it too?
00:29:25.200 --> 00:29:26.160
I mean it too.
00:29:26.799 --> 00:29:30.960
Let me paint a picture and and let me try and use something that I think it might be an example.
00:29:31.759 --> 00:29:38.480
So, uh, with men, more often than not, men consider themselves fixers, right?
00:29:38.640 --> 00:29:45.039
So if you bring a problem, my natural instinct is to say there's a problem here.
00:29:45.279 --> 00:29:46.480
What's the solution?
00:29:46.640 --> 00:29:48.079
How do I solve it?
00:29:49.200 --> 00:29:56.319
We have to learn that sometimes women don't want the problem solved, they just want you to be there.
00:29:56.480 --> 00:29:57.359
So, how do we know that one?
00:29:57.680 --> 00:30:00.480
And and that is it's a dance, right?
00:30:00.559 --> 00:30:02.240
Because I don't know if you want me to do this.
00:30:03.119 --> 00:30:04.160
Is this the fixing one now?
00:30:04.400 --> 00:30:14.480
Or the one or the listening one, and it would it and in the especially early on in our marriage, it was like I had to like I kept getting like I didn't run to fix it.
00:30:14.799 --> 00:30:16.160
Like, I didn't say you should go and call.
00:30:16.319 --> 00:30:16.960
I said, Okay.
00:30:17.200 --> 00:30:20.160
Then then when you don't fix it, it's like, but you didn't even do it.
00:30:21.200 --> 00:30:24.079
Okay, so wait, wait, let me land, let me land, let me land, let me land.
00:30:24.400 --> 00:30:29.920
So it got to the point where Susu and I, because we you know, God bless our marriage, like we've had to work on some of these things.
00:30:30.079 --> 00:30:33.359
We I I I don't even know where I heard this or came up with this.
00:30:33.440 --> 00:30:36.400
I was like, Do you want a solution or do you want a hug?
00:30:36.799 --> 00:30:46.000
And I would ask her so she can tell me plainly, I just want you to give me a hug and be there for me, or I want you to spring into action.
00:30:46.240 --> 00:30:55.279
And I think that's like an example of something where women expect you to intuitively know what she's getting at.
00:30:55.440 --> 00:30:59.359
Whereas with a man, it's like you gotta tell me what you know.
00:30:59.519 --> 00:31:10.799
If I if I'm gonna jump into arms and go, and then you say, No, no, no, you I didn't tell you to, or I'm not gonna do anything because the last time you sold me, no, no, no, no, no, and then you're not like, Oh, you're just gonna you didn't even want to try.
00:31:10.960 --> 00:31:12.240
And I'm just like, dog, you know.
00:31:12.559 --> 00:31:14.240
But you did something very important there.
00:31:14.400 --> 00:31:15.680
You actually asked, yeah.
00:31:15.839 --> 00:31:19.680
And I think that's where communication can be like a little bit messed up.
00:31:20.160 --> 00:31:21.119
I think you should you can ask.
00:31:21.200 --> 00:31:26.720
Like, if it's like a oh my gosh, there's this person at work, oh my goodness, you know, we're always fighting, you know, this person did this.
00:31:27.039 --> 00:31:28.240
Do we go and fight the person now?
00:31:28.720 --> 00:31:31.440
Do you want to show you to brush anybody?
00:31:31.759 --> 00:31:34.720
Do you want to then you your your response is do you want a hug?
00:31:34.799 --> 00:31:35.680
Do you want ice cream?
00:31:35.759 --> 00:31:37.039
Do you want a glass of wine?
00:31:37.200 --> 00:31:38.559
Or should we do a drive-by?
00:31:38.960 --> 00:31:46.720
But also, just to add to it, I think that what you said is so crucial, but I also think it's how it plays out that really people forget the how part.
00:31:46.799 --> 00:31:49.039
Yeah, because I can definitely relate with what you're saying.
00:31:49.119 --> 00:31:51.759
There are certain times that I'm talking to my partner, right?
00:31:51.920 --> 00:31:53.200
And I just need a friend.
00:31:53.839 --> 00:31:59.200
I'm not looking for critical, I'm not looking for critical analysis.
00:32:00.480 --> 00:32:06.160
I just want a bitch and just be like, yo, this bitch got me fucked up.
00:32:06.400 --> 00:32:09.519
And I don't need you to tell me, babe, calm down.
00:32:09.599 --> 00:32:10.559
Okay, what do you want?
00:32:11.359 --> 00:32:13.680
No, no, calm down, it's literally trickling my trauma.
00:32:14.400 --> 00:32:16.880
Listen, just listen to me, and then guess what?
00:32:16.960 --> 00:32:23.359
In another couple of hours, when I've let it all out, you can come back and be like, babe, you know, that thing wasn't that deep.
00:32:23.519 --> 00:32:27.759
I won't be so hard on you because in that moment I realized that listen, he listened to me.
00:32:27.920 --> 00:32:30.720
I think it's how these conversations are hard, right?
00:32:30.799 --> 00:32:34.720
Sometimes your partner wants a friend, and it's it's we we we checked that with you guys.
00:32:34.960 --> 00:32:41.119
When my my my man is complaining to me about something, I don't sit there and be like, you should have known better, or you should have done this.
00:32:45.359 --> 00:32:49.519
And you know, it's your job as a partner to hate that person in that moment.
00:32:50.480 --> 00:32:51.759
In that moment, do you understand?
00:32:52.319 --> 00:32:53.039
The person in that moment.
00:32:53.200 --> 00:32:56.559
So I might think it's later on, I might think it, right?
00:32:56.880 --> 00:33:00.720
It's the how I hear him out, and he took therapy to get me here.
00:33:00.960 --> 00:33:04.240
So I know I'm joking around and everything, yeah, but we're saying the same thing here now.
00:33:04.319 --> 00:33:08.880
So these are things that you're still expecting us to know without be it expressly being.
00:33:09.599 --> 00:33:10.559
Do you do you want a manual?
00:33:10.720 --> 00:33:11.279
Yeah, ranting.
00:33:11.359 --> 00:33:12.000
Do you want a manual?
00:33:12.160 --> 00:33:16.319
So men don't so men are not conditioned to rant.
00:33:16.480 --> 00:33:18.799
And I say conditioned because of how we're brought up, right?
00:33:19.200 --> 00:33:32.720
You fix things or you get you be a man, or you just so when you're in a sudden relationship in your mid-20s or whatever it is, or in a marriage where you're now around someone who says, I just want to vent, but they don't say I just want to vent, they are now venting.
00:33:32.880 --> 00:33:34.559
You are not sure what to do with that particular situation.
00:33:34.720 --> 00:33:35.200
Just what he means.
00:33:35.519 --> 00:33:37.119
No, that's what I'm saying, but it took him now.
00:33:38.240 --> 00:33:38.720
It took me time.
00:33:39.039 --> 00:33:44.640
My point is for a lot of before you get to that asking to know what is okay, how do I handle this one?
00:33:44.720 --> 00:33:47.039
Now, the first instinct is to fix the problem.
00:33:47.599 --> 00:33:50.079
I'll give you a cat and that causes more friction.
00:33:50.240 --> 00:33:53.440
So I watched an interview just admit recently.
00:33:53.599 --> 00:34:01.839
Um can be the guy that will just take chop the nonsense, chop the insult, and not even know it was insulted, but she's boiling.
00:34:01.920 --> 00:34:09.519
Yes, and we have many women who you know not to mess with a man, he might be calm, but I know this bitch will fly off her anger for that guy.
00:34:09.760 --> 00:34:15.519
So, but it's I'm sure in the moment when he's telling her this happened, she's not about to be like, hey, what did you say?
00:34:15.840 --> 00:34:16.320
What did you do?
00:34:16.639 --> 00:34:17.440
Which I find so many.
00:34:17.519 --> 00:34:18.079
I don't need it.
00:34:19.920 --> 00:34:21.519
But by the way, we had that conversation.
00:34:26.239 --> 00:34:28.159
Tell me meant to only your little girlfriend.
00:34:28.960 --> 00:34:34.000
We're talking about how women carry the matter like I was like, okay, I didn't know.
00:34:34.239 --> 00:34:37.760
I'm not apologizing for a force if I bought straight.
00:34:38.000 --> 00:34:39.519
I'm not like, okay, sorry for that person.
00:34:40.559 --> 00:34:43.440
Can I say, am I allowed to say the captain's actually behind me?
00:34:45.039 --> 00:34:50.000
But so he right now, and I don't know why, but he doesn't always tell me stuff.
00:34:50.159 --> 00:34:52.480
Like if somebody would fly off the hand, how do you know?
00:34:53.119 --> 00:34:55.360
Try to be honest with you, a lot of husbands are that way.
00:34:55.519 --> 00:34:57.760
That's another thing I actually think I wanted to ask you now.
00:34:58.000 --> 00:35:05.840
Okay, because you you find, and it's something my wife tells me a lot, you know, when there's certain things that happen, and she says this thing you said, that's not your friend.
00:35:06.639 --> 00:35:08.079
And women tend to do that.
00:35:08.159 --> 00:35:12.159
They're like, if someone can treat you this way or someone can do something like that, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:35:12.480 --> 00:35:14.559
Guys are more like it's okay.
00:35:14.800 --> 00:35:15.679
Do you agree with that?
00:35:15.760 --> 00:35:19.119
Do you think men are honest enough with each other?
00:35:19.280 --> 00:35:22.159
Do you think we give enough or we give too much grace?
00:35:22.320 --> 00:35:23.679
Or is it even grace?
00:35:24.239 --> 00:35:29.760
I think that you can try to open up to put something.
00:35:30.079 --> 00:35:31.440
This person is that's not your friend.
00:35:31.519 --> 00:35:32.000
Yeah, I'm sorry.
00:35:33.119 --> 00:35:34.480
I should not stand on that business.
00:35:34.639 --> 00:35:38.719
Yeah, I'm not the one trying to be the wedge of my own friendship.
00:35:39.679 --> 00:35:43.440
So I think I think men and women treat friendships differently.
00:35:44.480 --> 00:35:48.079
So guys can have friends, friends.
00:35:48.400 --> 00:35:49.440
Can I have some more eyes?
00:35:49.519 --> 00:35:50.400
Sorry, sorry, Mr.
00:35:50.559 --> 00:35:51.599
W you didn't mean to cut it.
00:35:51.920 --> 00:35:57.840
So guys can have friends that you maybe you just play football together, yeah.
00:35:58.400 --> 00:36:00.880
In fact, some guys are friends that they don't even know their real name.
00:36:02.239 --> 00:36:07.360
But my bro, brosky, brother Lee, you know, and you see each other week in, week out.
00:36:07.519 --> 00:36:16.320
You might even be in the same WhatsApp group, but this is there's a compartment, a compartment for this friendship, and it's very surface level.
00:36:16.719 --> 00:36:27.119
Matter of fact, most guys don't have more than maybe one or two, like less than five people that you say this is my friend who we actually have a deep relationship with.
00:36:27.280 --> 00:36:34.559
So most guys have more friends and less deep relationships, whereas women may have less.
00:36:34.880 --> 00:36:56.480
Well, maybe I'm speaking from my own marriage, but women's women, women's women may have less friends, but deeper relationships, which is why when two women fight, I feel like it's like the world, hold on, let me let's just it's like the world is about to come like because it's a seismic shift, it's a seismic shift.
00:36:56.719 --> 00:37:04.639
Whereas a guy will just be like, guy, I know like that in where you talk or something, and you just find a way to compartmentalize it and move on.
00:37:05.039 --> 00:37:06.480
Do you really want to do that?
00:37:06.800 --> 00:37:08.159
In most cases, though, I think so.
00:37:08.480 --> 00:37:15.679
I find I find that um I find that uh well a lot of guys I know um have a lot of surface level friendships.
00:37:15.840 --> 00:37:16.480
That's that's what I said.
00:37:16.639 --> 00:37:26.480
And that's but I also find that you're really, really, really good friends when there's like um an issue, when there's like a you know something's happening.
00:37:26.719 --> 00:37:29.199
Yes, you don't always know how to communicate it.
00:37:29.760 --> 00:37:32.400
I think guys don't like rocking, you don't like rocking the boats.
00:37:32.639 --> 00:37:37.519
So I think I think um I think I've said too much.
00:37:37.599 --> 00:37:39.920
I was about to say something, but I think I'm gonna get in trouble.
00:37:40.239 --> 00:37:41.840
So did you use a new room?
00:37:43.679 --> 00:37:44.960
What did Jose Mourinho say?
00:37:45.280 --> 00:37:45.920
What did he say?
00:37:46.480 --> 00:37:53.840
If I speak, if I speak, if I speak, I will I will say it if you guys, one of you guys will give me a couch to sleep on when this comes out.
00:37:54.159 --> 00:37:56.719
I can't do it, not yet.
00:37:57.199 --> 00:37:58.480
You people will sort yourselves out.
00:37:58.880 --> 00:38:15.280
I was gonna say, so I've um obviously I've watched um Banky and you know Cap Captain's friendship for a while, yeah, and I've there are times that I've kind of had to like like kind of step in because I can see that there's something there that you know hasn't been dealt with.
00:38:15.440 --> 00:38:16.960
And I am I allowed to say this?
00:38:17.039 --> 00:38:17.360
Yeah, okay.
00:38:17.679 --> 00:38:18.400
I already said it.
00:38:20.079 --> 00:38:20.239
Great.
00:38:20.400 --> 00:38:21.280
Are you gonna edit it though?
00:38:21.440 --> 00:38:22.960
Okay, let me shut up, let me shut up.
00:38:24.960 --> 00:38:26.159
We dare your brow, we dare your stuff.
00:38:27.679 --> 00:38:32.559
But I realize, I obviously realize that you know this this friendship is important to both of you.
00:38:32.719 --> 00:38:35.519
I mean, you know, Baki's like the first wife.
00:38:37.280 --> 00:38:39.599
There's some things you can do for him, I can never do.
00:38:41.599 --> 00:38:48.800
So I've I've I've kind of I've kind of had to I've kind of had to step in, and I remember um making sure that you guys did bro dates.
00:38:49.199 --> 00:38:50.480
Remember when I was like, you guys have to do that.
00:38:50.639 --> 00:38:51.199
There was a moment, yeah.
00:38:51.519 --> 00:38:57.679
Or there was a time when I would cook and send food to the office and be like, okay, this is just for you guys, you guys just sit down and talk and eat the food and everything.
00:38:58.400 --> 00:38:58.559
Yes.
00:38:58.880 --> 00:39:05.280
Sorry to cut you in there, and I and I like that you did because you noticed that the friendship was important, so then we know there was friction.
00:39:05.840 --> 00:39:10.559
If Captain did that for you and a friend you had beef with, how would you take it?
00:39:11.039 --> 00:39:13.119
Um, depends on what the bitch did.
00:39:13.599 --> 00:39:18.880
But um if it's what it's gonna be flying around flying around, I'm joking, I'm joking.
00:39:18.960 --> 00:39:20.719
So I think that's the difference now.
00:39:20.880 --> 00:39:22.400
Women are like, mm-mm.
00:39:23.039 --> 00:39:24.800
She doesn't it depends.
00:39:25.039 --> 00:39:26.079
Now the guy's listening to it.
00:39:26.239 --> 00:39:26.800
Now let me say something.
00:39:26.880 --> 00:39:28.639
The guy's listening to you, and he's like ask me a question now.
00:39:28.719 --> 00:39:31.760
Let me ask you isn't this situation that is this deep?
00:39:31.920 --> 00:39:47.920
Yeah, but it and the woman does not it depends on it depends on who captain should know, should know if the person, no, the the person that if we had a rift, okay, he literally should go to their house and be like, Wow, what's that coming to you?
00:39:48.159 --> 00:39:50.320
He should know the people that he would need to interpret.
00:39:50.559 --> 00:40:07.679
But but this leads us back to what we're saying before because in a certain situation, even if it's let's say it's somebody that's like yeah, tight, and Captain goes to this person's house to say, Come, you even need to talk about XYZ, you might get upset at Captain for going to address something that you do not want him to address.
00:40:08.000 --> 00:40:09.440
I think it depends, and I'm on her side.
00:40:10.480 --> 00:40:12.719
You will be on her side, no, no, no, no, no, no, because no, no, no.
00:40:13.440 --> 00:40:15.760
I hear you because I it's it's important, right?
00:40:16.000 --> 00:40:21.519
The way she would set up broad dates, she knew what you guys or knows what you guys mean to each other.
00:40:21.920 --> 00:40:31.920
And as a man who is in my life, you know the we talk to our men, so you know the friends that are like sisters, that if there's a fight, my man can jump on the phone and do a three-way call.
00:40:32.000 --> 00:40:37.760
Even if I don't want to talk, I'll have to respect the fact that okay, he's trying because he knows that that person means well for me.
00:40:38.000 --> 00:40:46.639
He knows that friendship is good for me, and he wants most times when the guys don't even like the friendship, they're happy people are not even talking because they're like, Finally, I beg, let her just come.
00:40:46.960 --> 00:40:52.320
So if he can do that, nobody so if he can do that, then wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:40:52.559 --> 00:40:52.960
You know what I mean?
00:40:53.679 --> 00:41:02.320
Because you don't like some of Cynthia's friends, I'm sure they're not like some of your friends.
00:41:02.639 --> 00:41:19.920
I don't know that's too because you you have male friends and female friends who are really close with you, and some of them are there's one time they thought you were traditional ready, yeah, you know, and they were like, Oh no, is that his male, her male best friend or whatever it's his you know, that's team.
00:41:20.239 --> 00:41:21.039
There's all of these people, yeah.
00:41:21.199 --> 00:41:22.559
They also have your girls, yeah.
00:41:22.800 --> 00:41:27.280
You know, there's also been some breakout breakups, breakups, female friends.
00:41:27.519 --> 00:41:30.400
We don't know, people just wonder, oh, we don't really see them together anymore.
00:41:30.480 --> 00:41:34.159
What happened is if you don't see me with the beach, it means we're not together, okay?
00:41:34.320 --> 00:41:35.440
It's done, you know.
00:41:35.599 --> 00:41:40.320
But I also hear a lot of women sometimes say I prefer male friendships because it's easier to handle.
00:41:40.480 --> 00:41:41.679
Do you believe that?
00:41:41.840 --> 00:41:44.880
Um how do you navigate both sides?
00:41:45.199 --> 00:41:57.360
I think at this point in my life, where I'm at, I would say my female, the female friends that I have, the few good people in my life, I would pick over any type of male friendships.
00:41:57.519 --> 00:41:58.719
They all bring different things.
00:41:58.960 --> 00:42:05.199
I'm so happy I have male best friends because they will tell you as it is.
00:42:05.679 --> 00:42:12.800
If I call my guy friend and I'm crying over a guy, he's not as emotionally wise as my female friend would be.
00:42:12.880 --> 00:42:16.400
Like, listen, Farook is just gonna be like, Okay, well, let me just tell you something.
00:42:16.480 --> 00:42:17.280
He's playing your ass.
00:42:17.519 --> 00:42:24.079
Like, you know, it's tough to accept, but he he's told me what from a guy's perspective, this guy is not the one.
00:42:24.159 --> 00:42:27.039
And every time I have not listened to him, I've had to pay dearly.
00:42:27.199 --> 00:42:29.840
You know, and the way it's now going down, you will say things that should pay.
00:42:29.920 --> 00:42:31.199
I told you, even though you've caught him often.
00:42:31.440 --> 00:42:34.159
But you see, there are things women are nurturers, right?
00:42:34.400 --> 00:42:38.559
We don't lie to ourselves, but we understand because we've been on this side of the coin.
00:42:38.719 --> 00:42:42.800
A guy has hasn't had his heart broken the way a female you probably have.
00:42:43.440 --> 00:42:43.760
But it's different.
00:42:43.840 --> 00:42:47.920
I'm saying, no, no, you guys have experienced heartbreak, but how we deal with this is completely different.
00:42:48.079 --> 00:42:49.360
I don't know how guys deal with heartbreak.
00:42:49.519 --> 00:42:50.079
I'm not sure, guy.
00:42:50.159 --> 00:42:50.719
I can't speak on that.
00:42:50.960 --> 00:42:53.440
Guys, guys just keep it in and punish the next girl that they say.
00:42:53.519 --> 00:42:54.880
Oh, yeah, or the next 20.
00:42:55.199 --> 00:42:55.679
So they're right.
00:42:56.159 --> 00:42:58.559
So my female friends, for instance, have that perspective.
00:42:58.639 --> 00:43:03.519
If I call tools, for instance, I say this is she would listen and she can talk to me because she knows what I'm feeling.
00:43:03.679 --> 00:43:04.719
My guy friends don't.
00:43:04.880 --> 00:43:06.800
Sometimes, like, geez, it's not like for suction.
00:43:07.039 --> 00:43:07.679
Why are you still sad?
00:43:09.440 --> 00:43:10.800
And I'm like, I'm sad.
00:43:10.880 --> 00:43:11.599
Like, do you know?
00:43:11.840 --> 00:43:14.400
To me, so I'll just be like, eh, so you're sad.
00:43:14.880 --> 00:43:15.920
You didn't do you like that.
00:43:17.840 --> 00:43:19.039
Like, what do you mean?
00:43:19.280 --> 00:43:26.320
You know, so there's I I'm grateful for both, but where I am right now in my life, my female friends and my sisterhood, um, I will be nowhere.
00:43:26.800 --> 00:43:28.559
But do people friendships last long?
00:43:29.199 --> 00:43:29.760
They do.
00:43:30.239 --> 00:43:32.480
Some of them because there's a perception that they do.
00:43:33.119 --> 00:43:34.159
And what is the definition of long?
00:43:34.559 --> 00:43:35.199
Do you have a question?
00:43:35.280 --> 00:43:36.559
Uh question in that.
00:43:36.639 --> 00:43:39.519
Your three closest friends, how long have you known them?
00:43:40.559 --> 00:43:41.360
I'm the wrong person.
00:43:41.440 --> 00:43:42.239
Maybe you should have asked that.
00:43:42.639 --> 00:43:43.039
No, no, no.
00:43:43.119 --> 00:43:44.079
But I have to change in friends.
00:43:46.559 --> 00:43:48.159
But those ones were not my true friends.
00:43:48.320 --> 00:43:51.199
It took me a while before I should then know it was my fault.
00:43:51.360 --> 00:43:51.440
Okay.
00:43:51.599 --> 00:43:54.000
I'm saying that some people got it quickly, right?
00:43:54.159 --> 00:43:59.760
I, for the longest, would wear my hat on my sleeve, and I just thought, you know, I just really just wanted to have so many people around.
00:44:00.320 --> 00:44:02.960
Me, it had to do with trauma that I also experienced as a child.
00:44:03.119 --> 00:44:03.760
You know what I mean?
00:44:03.840 --> 00:44:09.679
And losing both parents and just wanting to just have this family and hold on to people even when their time has expired.
00:44:10.079 --> 00:44:14.719
You know, I had to go through the furnace to come on the other side to say, My friends are my sisters.
00:44:15.039 --> 00:44:18.320
So if my I don't have friends other than my blood sisters, right?
00:44:18.480 --> 00:44:21.119
Everybody you see, my sisters are the ones I tell everything.
00:44:21.280 --> 00:44:23.840
So I have friends that you see me with that I've known for 20 years.
00:44:24.159 --> 00:44:26.800
It doesn't mean that we are bosomed like that.
00:44:27.039 --> 00:44:30.639
We hang out, we're it helps that you have sisters, but my sisters, yeah.
00:44:30.719 --> 00:44:34.000
Like I feel like God knew what he was doing when he gave us sisters.
00:44:34.480 --> 00:44:41.119
I know it's not it's not the rule because I mean my wife's some of our closest friends are like her secondary school people, and they've been friends since then.
00:44:41.199 --> 00:44:42.800
But I'm same with Susuak.
00:44:43.039 --> 00:44:48.079
I tend to find that male friendship, maybe that's why they say sophists, because we don't confront things.
00:44:48.159 --> 00:44:48.880
So we just kind of go.
00:44:49.119 --> 00:44:50.880
You don't, you don't for 50 years.
00:44:50.960 --> 00:44:53.199
We'll still watch both together, streets, abuse each other.
00:44:53.360 --> 00:44:53.519
Straits.
00:44:54.239 --> 00:44:54.559
No, no, no.
00:44:54.639 --> 00:45:01.119
But what I find interesting about male friendship, I have to say this is you guys are so keen to say women don't like each other, women are catsy, they fight.
00:45:01.280 --> 00:45:04.079
The kind of shitty shit you guys do to yourselves as males.
00:45:05.280 --> 00:45:11.119
No, I mean like guys in general, like when you hear friendship fallouts with females, guys are quick to say there are women now, of course they will fight.
00:45:11.199 --> 00:45:15.039
But I've heard things that men have done, they've gone to sideline their friend in a deal.
00:45:15.199 --> 00:45:20.480
I've had a guy talk down on you know how you're looking for a contractor, and the person that is standing against you is your best friend.
00:45:20.639 --> 00:45:21.840
Do you guys do the worst things to you?
00:45:21.920 --> 00:45:22.719
It's just that women talk about it.
00:45:23.599 --> 00:45:25.119
No, no, no, it's not funny.
00:45:30.559 --> 00:45:33.280
The general term out there is that women's friends.
00:45:33.519 --> 00:45:39.199
No, the general term out there is that women don't get along.
00:45:39.280 --> 00:45:42.800
Yes, because when we fall out, it's emotional, we're loud and we speak.
00:45:42.880 --> 00:45:49.280
But just to purchase what Tools is saying, that you guys skip through a lot of things, you guys do nasty things to them to yourselves too as men.
00:45:49.599 --> 00:45:58.159
But in terms of what you said, in terms of what you said, I don't I don't always buy that uh when you know it's only when women fall out that's when it's it's like an emotional thing.
00:45:58.320 --> 00:46:07.199
If you think about all the different wars in this world, I've decided by men, yes, yeah, because of you know so I don't I don't I don't like that.
00:46:11.280 --> 00:46:12.639
Yeah, it's too timely.
00:46:12.800 --> 00:46:14.480
But um I don't even think that's us.
00:46:14.639 --> 00:46:22.320
I think it's the notion that in general men always are quick to say, no be woman, when they hear women fall out, it's always like it was almost expected.
00:46:22.480 --> 00:46:25.280
Women will always fight, women can't get keep it together for a long time.
00:46:25.599 --> 00:46:26.960
I feel like men just swallow it.
00:46:27.280 --> 00:46:28.639
Do you know the craziest thing?
00:46:28.800 --> 00:46:36.400
It was when I moved to Nigeria that I actually really realized that men gossip way more than women.
00:46:36.800 --> 00:46:37.119
Thank you.
00:46:37.440 --> 00:46:40.159
So I was just like we like jizz, we like jizz.
00:46:41.199 --> 00:46:42.639
See, let me have to be in tune.
00:46:42.960 --> 00:46:44.159
Let me let me tell you something.
00:46:44.320 --> 00:46:46.320
Let me say for research because of what I do.
00:46:51.280 --> 00:46:52.960
But I'll let you have to know this.
00:46:53.199 --> 00:46:55.199
I'll let it say men gossip more than women do.
00:46:55.679 --> 00:46:56.800
I have a question of comment.
00:46:57.039 --> 00:46:57.599
Can I ask this?
00:46:57.760 --> 00:46:58.320
Yes, of course.
00:46:58.639 --> 00:46:59.840
Why do you like this?
00:47:00.559 --> 00:47:02.559
You know, that's what my own major question is.
00:47:04.639 --> 00:47:04.960
I don't know.
00:47:05.039 --> 00:47:08.400
When I was coming in, I just wanted to ask why do men lie?
00:47:09.280 --> 00:47:10.239
Why do men lie?
00:47:10.639 --> 00:47:11.119
Why?
00:47:11.519 --> 00:47:17.440
Because you people decide uncle decide that's why do you why do you why do your kin folk lie?
00:47:17.599 --> 00:47:18.400
Your people, your people.
00:47:19.920 --> 00:47:24.000
I do activity.
00:47:26.800 --> 00:47:27.760
Okay, all right.
00:47:27.920 --> 00:47:29.039
Let's lie.
00:47:32.000 --> 00:47:35.519
The last really last lie that you told, why did you lie?
00:47:36.639 --> 00:47:37.119
I don't lie.
00:47:37.360 --> 00:47:38.000
It's your show.
00:47:38.639 --> 00:47:39.760
Why did you lie?
00:47:40.960 --> 00:47:43.360
I can't remember the last lie, and I'm not being funny.
00:47:43.519 --> 00:47:44.559
I can't remember the last lie.
00:47:44.880 --> 00:47:46.880
So why do men lie?
00:47:46.960 --> 00:47:50.880
I don't know that men lie, but I know that men shield certain things.
00:47:51.119 --> 00:47:56.239
I was waiting for him to walk into this trap because I didn't say people who say men lie because they are trying to say liars.
00:47:57.679 --> 00:47:58.480
Shields, shields.
00:47:59.360 --> 00:48:00.480
Do you know that we live in the water?
00:48:00.639 --> 00:48:01.199
This is not about you guys.
00:48:01.840 --> 00:48:02.320
I feel like me.
00:48:05.440 --> 00:48:08.639
In times where men can actually be honest about everything.
00:48:08.880 --> 00:48:16.079
I.e., if you're a married man and you want to get with a girl, I feel like with the way this world is right now, you don't have to lie to the girl that you're married.
00:48:16.159 --> 00:48:18.159
The one that is going to follow you will still follow you.
00:48:18.400 --> 00:48:22.079
The one that is still going to date you, even when she knows you're married, she will still date you.
00:48:22.239 --> 00:48:28.320
But I find it very interesting how they would say to shield you, as you said, oh, you think we women can't handle the truth.
00:48:28.639 --> 00:48:29.679
Okay, that's a big lie.
00:48:29.760 --> 00:48:32.480
But even the mundane things, like, where were you last night?
00:48:32.559 --> 00:48:35.280
I was hanging out with the boys, but you'll now find a way to edit that truth.
00:48:35.599 --> 00:48:36.320
Am I a witch?
00:48:36.400 --> 00:48:37.920
Would I be angry if you're hanging out with the boys?
00:48:38.000 --> 00:48:38.800
Like, why can't you just say that?
00:48:39.039 --> 00:48:41.199
The last time they told you that, how did you react?
00:48:45.039 --> 00:48:45.760
There you go.
00:48:45.920 --> 00:48:46.159
Okay.
00:48:46.800 --> 00:48:55.199
So that's why when you're saying the last lie, I mean, I have my my wife is my best friend, and I think we are at a point where certain things are no longer that deep.
00:48:55.519 --> 00:48:58.079
She knows, oh, I'm here, I'm not here.
00:48:58.159 --> 00:48:59.199
I can't come, I'm coming.
00:48:59.280 --> 00:48:59.519
Whatever.
00:48:59.840 --> 00:49:00.800
Oh shit, that came out.
00:49:02.880 --> 00:49:03.519
Wow.
00:49:04.639 --> 00:49:06.719
I think I should excuse myself from this role.
00:49:07.599 --> 00:49:09.199
This is a little bit too much in my case.
00:49:09.360 --> 00:49:09.920
This is too much.
00:49:10.159 --> 00:49:12.159
Um, but yeah, so I don't know.
00:49:12.400 --> 00:49:21.679
Do you think the is the way the woman reacts that's so here's the thing a lot of we started this conversation talking about how men handle information and communicate and how women do.
00:49:21.920 --> 00:49:28.320
Yeah, I don't like falling into that trope of women are more emotional, men are more logical, even though it's what people say all the time.
00:49:28.480 --> 00:49:31.360
But I think a lot of men approach relationships from that premise.
00:49:31.679 --> 00:49:34.159
Oh, how is she gonna handle this information?
00:49:34.400 --> 00:49:38.480
Like you said, sometimes it's not even something bad that the person did.
00:49:38.639 --> 00:49:39.519
It's just like, you know what?
00:49:39.599 --> 00:49:41.840
I just don't, I just want to have a good evening.
00:49:42.079 --> 00:49:42.400
Right.
00:49:42.719 --> 00:49:43.440
Do you know the crazy thing?
00:49:43.840 --> 00:49:44.639
It's not a great thing.
00:49:44.719 --> 00:49:46.320
I'm not excusing it, defending it.
00:49:46.559 --> 00:49:48.559
I'm not defending it, I'm just saying it's a why reality.
00:49:48.639 --> 00:49:57.039
Yeah, you've had a long day, you don't want to over-explain because this explanation might become a situation where, but why didn't you tell me where before you went?
00:49:57.119 --> 00:49:59.360
And it's now like a whole, you know, why didn't you say that?
00:49:59.440 --> 00:50:04.000
But you know the crazy thing, because when you start as I'm not excusing doing that, you have to continue.
00:50:04.159 --> 00:50:04.719
Yes, things are.
00:50:04.880 --> 00:50:05.440
You have to start.
00:50:05.519 --> 00:50:09.199
So once you start making it, I'm not saying you have to keep on doing this, you have to keep on doing that.
00:50:09.280 --> 00:50:16.800
If if honestly, um, I would say that yes, you know, I in certain situations women receive information, you know, differently.
00:50:17.039 --> 00:50:26.000
But if I know that this is my truth, as in this is actually my truth, if you started doing that from early days, you get used to it.
00:50:26.559 --> 00:50:27.840
You get you actually get used to it.
00:50:28.079 --> 00:50:35.920
Rather than doing the oh, but you know, this happened and then that happened, and you know, even a mission of information is a lie.
00:50:36.719 --> 00:50:45.199
Is a lie, um, deliberate deliberate omission, shield deliberate any kind of omission is a lie.
00:50:45.519 --> 00:50:46.960
Shielding someone's feeling.
00:50:47.519 --> 00:50:51.840
You also can't deny, you also can't deny the sorry, the ego part of things, right?
00:50:52.719 --> 00:51:01.760
We've had this conversation in our pre in a previous episode where we talked about how finances are a big reason why a lot of relationships, marriages fail.
00:51:02.239 --> 00:51:19.199
There's a lot of the shielding that comes with finances that a lot of men shield or lie about, not because they want to lie to the woman, but it's now an ego situation where we've also talked extensively on this show about the provider tag that men carry.
00:51:19.280 --> 00:51:21.039
So they don't want to disappoint this woman.
00:51:21.199 --> 00:51:23.920
So you started off this journey with a certain perception.
00:51:24.159 --> 00:51:24.639
That's the problem.
00:51:25.039 --> 00:51:30.000
Sadly, you're now caught up in how do I now it does not be able to do it.
00:51:30.159 --> 00:51:33.519
Or started off the journey on a certain premise, which was right, but things start going through.
00:51:33.840 --> 00:51:34.159
Exactly.
00:51:34.239 --> 00:51:37.199
So I think I think it's important to add context, right?
00:51:37.440 --> 00:51:41.039
Because I don't know none of this is justified, by the way.
00:51:41.440 --> 00:51:58.239
We're not justifying it, but we're saying that the reality is if you look at like our parents' generations, a lot of times when the when their marriages started, the man was at a certain income level and the woman was maybe potentially lower than that.
00:51:58.400 --> 00:52:09.599
And then over time, there are a lot of people who would say, and maybe maybe not necessarily at this table, but a lot of people say that there are times when the mom had to be the breadwinner of the house.
00:52:09.840 --> 00:52:21.840
So it's not necessarily saying, Oh, I'm painting a false picture, it's just that the reality changes for people just as you go through seasons of life, especially if you're an entrepreneur.
00:52:21.920 --> 00:52:27.840
There are some years that will be fantastic, and some years where your eye will red small and you need to tighten your belt.
00:52:27.920 --> 00:52:33.679
And it doesn't mean that the man was selling a false reality, it just means the man, life happened, you know.
00:52:34.239 --> 00:52:57.519
The other thing that I wanted to throw on the table is that some people would argue, some people would argue, but not you, not you, not anybody at this table, but some people out there would argue that women lie, they just lie smarter, and that a woman can lie for smarter and for longer, and just in a more effective way than a man can.
00:52:57.599 --> 00:52:58.480
What would you say about that?
00:52:59.039 --> 00:53:00.320
Okay, back me up on this.
00:53:00.559 --> 00:53:05.199
If I tell you a lie that you will never ever ever find out, isn't that kind of like the truth?
00:53:05.440 --> 00:53:08.079
You see now, even that statement is too smart.
00:53:08.880 --> 00:53:09.599
This is what we're talking about.
00:53:09.760 --> 00:53:16.880
It's too smart because you just said if that's gonna say lie that you never find out.
00:53:17.280 --> 00:53:17.440
Thank you.
00:53:17.679 --> 00:53:21.360
If that becomes your if that becomes your reality, right?
00:53:21.679 --> 00:53:25.760
And you will never find out what the alternative is, that is your truth.
00:53:25.920 --> 00:53:27.440
So now let me put you on the spot with that.
00:53:27.599 --> 00:53:32.079
Yeah, because you can't work for guys because guys can never wait.
00:53:34.719 --> 00:53:38.400
So if you're saying that if a woman tells a lie, let it out, let it out.
00:53:39.519 --> 00:53:44.320
If a woman tells a lie that the guy will never find out, in some way, does that become the truth?
00:53:44.800 --> 00:53:49.199
What if the guy then says he planned on the woman never finding out?
00:53:49.519 --> 00:53:51.519
But the premise is the same.
00:53:51.840 --> 00:53:52.480
No, no, no, no, no.
00:53:53.039 --> 00:53:53.840
Can I take this one?
00:53:54.079 --> 00:53:54.400
It's the God.
00:53:55.280 --> 00:53:57.760
It's what I've always said from time immemorial, right?
00:53:57.920 --> 00:54:00.559
I feel like, and I say this to my guy friends a lot, you know.
00:54:00.719 --> 00:54:03.039
Honestly, it's just the way God really, really made us.
00:54:03.199 --> 00:54:09.360
Maybe that whole men are rational thing, there's a bit of a void because men are not that great at liars.
00:54:09.679 --> 00:54:14.159
So he's saying, if I tell you this, this can become your truth if if you never find out the other side.
00:54:14.880 --> 00:54:19.679
But the problem with the man is that men don't even think about the they lie like we're stupid.
00:54:19.840 --> 00:54:21.119
They don't even think about it.
00:54:21.199 --> 00:54:22.480
Do you always know when they're lying?
00:54:22.559 --> 00:54:24.719
Yes, baby girl, baby boy.
00:54:26.400 --> 00:54:28.079
It's actually hard to figure it out.
00:54:28.239 --> 00:54:31.760
Because if you ask the same man in next three weeks, the same question, there'll be sits.
00:54:32.719 --> 00:54:40.480
But a woman, before she tells you that lie, she has actually low-key disrespectful when you tell a stupid lie.
00:54:40.719 --> 00:54:44.400
Because you're lying and now you're acting like I'm stupid.
00:54:44.719 --> 00:54:45.039
Who?
00:54:45.360 --> 00:54:48.960
So that for me is like several levels of official.
00:54:51.280 --> 00:54:52.800
You're inviting us for a reason.
00:54:52.880 --> 00:54:53.840
You're inviting us for reasons.
00:54:55.119 --> 00:54:55.920
You kind of like that.
00:54:56.000 --> 00:54:59.360
You think like we did on top of my face?
00:54:59.519 --> 00:55:00.000
Are you actually mad?
00:55:00.320 --> 00:55:00.719
Dead end.
00:55:00.800 --> 00:55:03.360
Niggas gonna be like, I don't know what they're talking about.
00:55:03.519 --> 00:55:04.719
What do you mean?
00:55:05.519 --> 00:55:19.519
I was reading something online the other day, and and they were asking women like the craziest lies that they've heard, and she said that this lady said that she found heels under her man's bed, like in his house, and she asked him about it, and he said he wears them when you want to change the light bulbs.
00:55:19.840 --> 00:55:22.400
Like, that's what you want to change light bulbs.
00:55:22.639 --> 00:55:25.519
That guy was caught on his spot and he didn't know what to say, he just said light bulbs.
00:55:26.400 --> 00:55:32.559
And it's like so but yeah, I mean, okay, to you know what, disclaimer, I don't think anybody should lie.
00:55:32.800 --> 00:55:34.719
Let me just say that before they say I'm you know, I don't know.
00:55:34.880 --> 00:55:36.239
Because you just told us something dangerous.
00:55:36.320 --> 00:55:39.679
I don't think you say lie will become your reality.
00:55:40.320 --> 00:55:46.400
But but it is the truth, and a lot of women I'm seeing what she said is the truth.
00:55:46.880 --> 00:55:48.880
A lot of men die with those lies.
00:55:49.199 --> 00:55:51.519
A woman's heart is the notion of so many secrets.
00:55:51.760 --> 00:55:53.039
I mean, what I don't want to go through.
00:55:53.679 --> 00:55:59.280
I don't want to go into the stereotypical DNA tests that are happening now and how it's suddenly becoming prevalent.
00:55:59.519 --> 00:56:07.920
But you know how many generations that this has happened where I have a children, but do you have a children?
00:56:08.079 --> 00:56:14.480
Hey, you know, I mean where fathers find out all the kids, none of them are theirs.
00:56:14.719 --> 00:56:15.199
My lord.
00:56:15.360 --> 00:56:18.719
Nigeria has one of the highest paternity prod cases in the world.
00:56:18.800 --> 00:56:20.239
So all these things we do.
00:56:20.559 --> 00:56:21.039
That's not true.
00:56:21.199 --> 00:56:21.679
That's not true.
00:56:21.840 --> 00:56:22.239
It's not true.
00:56:22.400 --> 00:56:23.199
That's actually not true.
00:56:23.360 --> 00:56:25.119
No, that that's that's the same.
00:56:25.599 --> 00:56:30.639
Let's say this on this kind of we would never, as women, support you carrying a child.
00:56:30.800 --> 00:56:33.280
I would never support there's levels to these things.
00:56:33.360 --> 00:56:38.320
Like, I feel like I don't even know how to keep that kind of a lie because it's just too much for my chest to handle it.
00:56:38.400 --> 00:56:39.679
I like to go to bed very well.
00:56:39.840 --> 00:56:40.800
I would never support that.
00:56:41.119 --> 00:56:43.119
That's not to say that men don't also keep secret families.
00:56:45.119 --> 00:56:45.440
Exactly.
00:56:45.599 --> 00:56:49.760
And on both ends, I think that it's the worst thing you can do to your partner.
00:56:49.840 --> 00:56:52.400
Like the list is what's going to happen, you leave me.
00:56:52.719 --> 00:56:54.559
You know, it I just wouldn't support that.
00:56:54.719 --> 00:56:56.719
I know, yeah, it's a bit extreme.
00:56:56.880 --> 00:57:10.960
But to be honest with you, sometimes I get a kick in my belly every time you know I hear it happens to be man because I'm like, you know, I tell my guy friends all the time we've been showing her, showing us, showing us Shagey, how Shage will take you over.
00:57:11.199 --> 00:57:14.880
Yes, and you you guys don't know because you will be thinking, yeah, the ones that are smart.
00:57:15.119 --> 00:57:24.159
I look so a woman can yes, I low key believe that most women that are considered you know evil or whatever.
00:57:24.400 --> 00:57:27.840
I really feel like in most cases, a man had a hand in that.
00:57:28.159 --> 00:57:29.599
Do you push to that and vice versa?
00:57:29.760 --> 00:57:30.719
And vice versa, though.
00:57:31.119 --> 00:57:32.239
And vice versa.
00:57:33.039 --> 00:57:41.519
See, we had a relationship episode on this show, yeah, and everybody kind of told their story of sort of their first heartbreak.
00:57:42.239 --> 00:57:42.719
Yeah.
00:57:43.039 --> 00:57:48.320
And it was like an aha moment that that was where everybody's demon act started.
00:57:48.480 --> 00:57:50.880
Where it's like, okay, is this how this game is played?
00:57:51.119 --> 00:57:51.519
Yeah.
00:57:51.920 --> 00:58:00.639
I'm not saying there are no people who are just not evil from starts, but most guys as well had that one moment where it was like, Whoa, is this how we're doing it?
00:58:00.800 --> 00:58:03.920
And then they now go on a spree, which is terrible.
00:58:04.239 --> 00:58:04.719
It doesn't make it.
00:58:05.039 --> 00:58:06.159
Yeah, and it doesn't, it doesn't make it right.
00:58:07.280 --> 00:58:10.639
It doesn't make it, it doesn't justify your behavior.
00:58:10.960 --> 00:58:23.519
I think ultimately somebody said this, and I think it's it was put very well that your past uh trauma or experiences or heartbreak or whatever should explain why you are the way you are, but it doesn't excuse it.
00:58:23.920 --> 00:58:27.519
So even though the past was not your fault, the future is your responsibility.
00:58:28.079 --> 00:58:34.159
So, how do you then get to the place of healing from the things that set you off on this demon arc?
00:58:34.239 --> 00:58:38.880
How do you get to the place where God can enter the part of your heart that needs to be adjusted?
00:58:39.119 --> 00:58:55.119
You know, um, I remember when we're doing premarital counseling, and one of the things that we learned was that you have a guy and a girl, and in between them, there's baggage, there's trauma, there's pain, there's heartbreak, there's all kinds of things that make this very hard to do.
00:58:55.679 --> 00:59:02.159
But if you put God at the center and both of you just find a way to get closer to God, invariably you'll get closer together.
00:59:02.400 --> 00:59:11.039
And I think that's what has kind of kept us through the seasons of life that we've been in, is just this intentionality to say, let's just move in this direction.
00:59:11.119 --> 00:59:16.800
And the more that we do that, eventually you just find that you're getting closer together and you're able to work past some of those things.
00:59:17.199 --> 00:59:20.239
But you know where guys and girls are moving towards now?
00:59:21.519 --> 00:59:22.400
Transactions.
00:59:23.039 --> 00:59:24.960
I'm trying to pivot to transactional relationships.
00:59:25.840 --> 00:59:28.480
I was like, wait, wait, what?
00:59:30.480 --> 00:59:32.639
And I wanted to talk to both of you as well.
00:59:32.719 --> 00:59:34.639
You're very active on social media, you're very active on Twitter.
00:59:35.440 --> 00:59:40.880
Every two days, there's a debate on Twitter and it's relationship-based and all of this.
00:59:40.960 --> 00:59:48.960
We've had male perspectives on this show on this transactional relationships and how it has become so sort of the norm now.
00:59:49.599 --> 00:59:52.400
Every you're just like, oh, what is what are you bringing to the table?
00:59:52.559 --> 00:59:56.320
You know, I don't know, I don't know who gets the blame.
00:59:56.480 --> 00:59:58.480
Did the guys start the payments?
00:59:58.719 --> 01:00:00.480
Yes, or did the girls start the demands?
01:00:00.639 --> 01:00:01.840
No, I actually think from time immemorial.
01:00:02.239 --> 01:00:07.360
Social media sort of amplified this need to show up a certain way that now made it the norm.
01:00:07.760 --> 01:00:08.400
I'll say this.
01:00:08.480 --> 01:00:14.000
I think from time in memorial, a relationship between a man and a woman has always been transactional.
01:00:14.239 --> 01:00:17.760
Right from the Garden of Eden, right from her parents' days.
01:00:17.920 --> 01:00:26.320
You know, a woman will feel like she wants to ask her husband for something, she knows how to throw on the nicest underwear, make his best meal, rub him.
01:00:26.719 --> 01:00:34.719
Like Esther, you know, before you go before the king, you do all these things, and then when you get there, you've caught him to the point where you cannot say no because you've done all these nice, nice, nice, nice things.
01:00:34.880 --> 01:00:36.000
Things have changed over the years.
01:00:36.079 --> 01:00:38.960
Now, social media is a bit extreme, but our parents used to do that.
01:00:39.280 --> 01:00:42.719
Before your mom will present your dad with the list of the house, she will find a way, okay.
01:00:43.519 --> 01:00:44.719
Your favorite food has been made.
01:00:44.800 --> 01:00:45.760
Should I rub your leg?
01:00:45.920 --> 01:00:46.559
Should I do this?
01:00:46.639 --> 01:00:51.039
And then after she now say, sir, you see that thing I asked you for, you've not done it.
01:00:51.119 --> 01:00:51.599
Do you understand?
01:00:51.920 --> 01:00:54.239
You know, the man's like, don't worry, don't worry, I'll figure it out.
01:00:54.320 --> 01:00:58.239
So I think that it's always been the degree at which it's happening now.
01:00:58.400 --> 01:00:59.440
I would blame the men.
01:00:59.840 --> 01:01:01.760
I feel like sometimes, no, I'll tell you this.
01:01:01.840 --> 01:01:02.639
No, I'll tell you this.
01:01:02.719 --> 01:01:04.960
Sometimes that's all men have to offer.
01:01:05.199 --> 01:01:06.079
Do you know what?
01:01:06.320 --> 01:01:07.840
Man, give me a half-five.
01:01:08.559 --> 01:01:12.960
So I was there was see, but for people that are dating now, can I move this rush?
01:01:13.119 --> 01:01:14.159
Um women's in the market.
01:01:14.400 --> 01:01:19.199
What Soke said, what Tokes said actually um is is very true.
01:01:19.280 --> 01:01:22.320
Um, okay, let's use Nigerian men as an example.
01:01:22.559 --> 01:01:34.000
And if you stumble across one of these conversations on social media, uh, where they're asking, what what kind of game does a Nigerian guy have other than cash?
01:01:34.239 --> 01:01:34.880
Money.
01:01:35.440 --> 01:01:38.559
Like that, because I because when I saw that, I was like, is that really true?
01:01:38.639 --> 01:01:40.000
And then I started thinking about it.
01:01:40.079 --> 01:01:44.559
And then when you think about when guys blow, what's the first thing they're gonna do?
01:01:44.719 --> 01:01:45.199
Spend on the biggest.
01:01:45.599 --> 01:01:47.119
They want to get the hottest babes with baby.
01:01:47.840 --> 01:01:49.519
What game, what game does a Nigerian girl have?
01:01:49.679 --> 01:01:49.840
Huh?
01:01:50.159 --> 01:01:50.719
Nigerian girl.
01:01:51.199 --> 01:01:52.159
Ah, Evoka.
01:01:52.639 --> 01:01:53.440
So many.
01:01:53.679 --> 01:01:58.719
Most Nigerian girls, and when I said all they have to offer is money, people would think she's saying that's all you should collect from.
01:01:59.199 --> 01:02:03.760
When men want to talk to you, I look at many young girls in university, for instance, right now.
01:02:03.920 --> 01:02:09.440
The girl is a good girl going to Babcock, having the same friends, church in the evening, singing, focus girl.
01:02:09.519 --> 01:02:12.239
Then she meets a Yahoo boy who just blew.
01:02:12.559 --> 01:02:15.599
And as he sees her, first thing is offering her is what she has never seen before.
01:02:15.920 --> 01:02:18.320
They don't even want to get to know you or ask you questions.
01:02:18.480 --> 01:02:22.320
I've had the strangest things that men have offered me, and it has made me realize that.
01:02:22.639 --> 01:02:23.039
What's the strangers?
01:02:23.199 --> 01:02:23.760
Top three strangers.
01:02:24.960 --> 01:02:27.679
Just asking my countdown.
01:02:28.159 --> 01:02:29.519
Just you know, cash.
01:02:29.679 --> 01:02:32.719
Like men will feel like that's what they need to show you to talk to.
01:02:33.039 --> 01:02:35.199
And sometimes I really just want to get to know you.
01:02:35.360 --> 01:02:36.559
Sometimes I think you're a great person.
01:02:36.719 --> 01:02:41.840
So those people who are actively dating now, I see I have conversations with these people.
01:02:42.079 --> 01:02:48.559
A lot of guys will tell you that they can't come with anything else because when you even come to tools, the first thing the girl tells you is it's your shoes from where you know why?
01:02:48.880 --> 01:02:49.760
So the guy doesn't even have anything.
01:02:51.840 --> 01:02:53.599
It's because the men started most of the people.
01:02:53.760 --> 01:02:55.199
But it's the girls that started demanding.
01:02:55.679 --> 01:02:57.679
No, no, no, no, no, no.
01:02:59.119 --> 01:03:02.559
I don't think it's the men, I don't think it's the women that demanded it.
01:03:02.639 --> 01:03:05.519
I feel like the women demanded now.
01:03:05.760 --> 01:03:09.280
See, when we're growing up, we wore our yaki when we went to wear our yaki.
01:03:09.599 --> 01:03:11.599
We we lived like we toasted now.
01:03:11.840 --> 01:03:13.199
But this is toasting.
01:03:13.360 --> 01:03:14.079
So when did it change?
01:03:14.159 --> 01:03:15.119
It's the women that started demanding.
01:03:15.599 --> 01:03:18.880
No, the guys will feel like that's all they have for her to look at me.
01:03:18.960 --> 01:03:20.400
Like Tools just said something.
01:03:20.559 --> 01:03:28.480
A guy who hasn't blown all his life, a guy who was a nerd in school who couldn't talk to the popular girl, the most beautiful girl, now has this all company job.
01:03:28.639 --> 01:03:36.960
And that particular girl that haunted him in school, who was like, you know, the the Barbie in school, he feels like now she will listen to me because I got showing me.
01:03:37.280 --> 01:03:40.000
But would she have listened to him when he does she listen or not?
01:03:40.880 --> 01:03:41.840
You you can't say that.
01:03:42.000 --> 01:03:42.639
You cannot say that.
01:03:42.800 --> 01:03:50.400
That means you're judging her just by her parents, but you she may have listened to him, or she may, or she might not, but she may have, but a lot of men don't even let her make that decision.
01:03:50.639 --> 01:03:53.920
But she didn't listen, yeah, after he blew.
01:03:54.320 --> 01:03:57.280
You meet a guy, so ready.
01:03:57.440 --> 01:03:59.440
So, this show.
01:03:59.599 --> 01:04:01.920
Why did why did she why did she listen after he blew?
01:04:02.159 --> 01:04:03.280
No, but she could have listened before.
01:04:03.360 --> 01:04:04.719
He didn't talk to us before he did.
01:04:04.880 --> 01:04:05.599
How do you know he did?
01:04:05.840 --> 01:04:06.400
How do you know she did?
01:04:09.599 --> 01:04:10.320
Do you know what?
01:04:10.559 --> 01:04:11.679
Okay, thank you very much.
01:04:11.920 --> 01:04:12.320
Thank you very much.
01:04:13.440 --> 01:04:15.599
Let me let me come and see for yourself.
01:04:16.079 --> 01:04:18.320
Hold on, let me let me let me take it back.
01:04:18.639 --> 01:04:31.039
Let me take it back to like, you know, when I was single and everything, and um, I would have guys talk to me and like Tokyo said, I'd be like, I'd want to know a bit more about you, but then it would be like here, this, this.
01:04:31.199 --> 01:04:31.760
Oh, Bradley.
01:04:31.920 --> 01:04:38.559
I remember, I remember there was somebody that was I think I know I know that situation, girl too.
01:04:40.480 --> 01:04:41.760
So, I know, can I talk really?
01:04:42.159 --> 01:04:47.840
Anyways, I remember there was somebody that was um that was um obviously trying to, I don't know, get to know me, I guess.
01:04:48.000 --> 01:04:53.679
And rather than have a conversation, this person just sent like a whole bunch of things to the office.
01:04:53.920 --> 01:04:59.840
And I was just like, I don't even, we haven't really spoken, we haven't, and it was just like a oh, here you go, here you go.
01:04:59.920 --> 01:05:06.639
And I was just, and I don't, I never operated that way because I'm like, you can give me all of this stuff, and I might still not like you.
01:05:06.880 --> 01:05:11.119
So you giving me all this stuff doesn't necessarily mean I'm gonna be like, oh, you know, we're gonna be, you know, cool.
01:05:11.199 --> 01:05:12.480
I might still think you're a bit of an ass.
01:05:12.719 --> 01:05:16.719
So here let me let me say something just before you you you you go wherever you're going.
01:05:16.960 --> 01:05:25.119
I think that there's something that has to be said for a man's approach, depending on what his end game is.
01:05:25.760 --> 01:05:26.000
Yes.
01:05:26.239 --> 01:05:33.280
Because I think if a man is trying to find a wife, as in he's looking to marry you, he's gonna spend time.
01:05:33.519 --> 01:05:34.400
Or something long term.
01:05:34.559 --> 01:05:35.519
Or something long term.
01:05:35.840 --> 01:05:49.840
He's gonna spend time trying to get to know you and you getting to know him because he has to be able to tolerate you beyond the act of physical intimacy, which means he has to be able to spend time with you and not feel like, oh, I gotta get out of here.
01:05:50.159 --> 01:05:51.119
Do you understand what I'm saying?
01:05:51.199 --> 01:05:59.760
So I think depending on what the man's end game is, most men will say, Ah, if this one is you know, girlfriend.
01:06:00.400 --> 01:06:08.000
Potential wife material, I'm going to approach that scenario a little differently than if I just met somebody that I wanted to know.
01:06:09.440 --> 01:06:10.559
Let me be devil's advocate here.
01:06:11.360 --> 01:06:12.400
Do you know the craziest thing, right?
01:06:12.880 --> 01:06:14.159
You might not like it, but it's the truth.
01:06:14.559 --> 01:06:14.960
That's not true.
01:06:16.480 --> 01:06:17.840
When you have, maybe they're blood now.
01:06:17.920 --> 01:06:18.239
I'm not gonna do it.
01:06:18.480 --> 01:06:22.960
When you have somebody that is, and I've heard this, I've seen this, it happens to me.
01:06:23.840 --> 01:06:26.639
When you have, when you have like a woman that's in a relationship, right?
01:06:26.960 --> 01:06:32.880
And it's a decent relationship, you know, loving relationship, non-transactional, a guy's interested in her.
01:06:33.119 --> 01:06:38.159
One of the first things he'll do is if when he finds out that she's not single, let me see how this guy's treating you.
01:06:38.320 --> 01:06:39.599
Let me see this, let me see that.
01:06:39.679 --> 01:06:42.239
So I feel like you guys are still to blame.
01:06:42.480 --> 01:06:43.599
You guys are still to blame.
01:06:43.760 --> 01:06:51.280
Because you have somebody that is in an okay relationship, they're growing, they're whatever, but you now are making her kind of think, okay, so wait.
01:06:51.519 --> 01:06:53.360
Let me throw things your man can't give to you.
01:06:53.519 --> 01:06:55.119
And it's not just the guys now generation.
01:06:55.280 --> 01:06:56.800
No, Ebuka, it's not even guys now.
01:06:57.119 --> 01:06:59.280
From my parents' time, it has been.
01:06:59.519 --> 01:07:05.119
You hear about how top politicians were marrying other people's wives even when they were married, just because they had cash.
01:07:05.360 --> 01:07:06.480
You've had when men are hunting.
01:07:06.719 --> 01:07:09.519
So it's not an indictment on the women that actually agree to it.
01:07:09.760 --> 01:07:10.480
Let me say this to you.
01:07:10.559 --> 01:07:11.920
Why are you your brother's keeper?
01:07:12.079 --> 01:07:12.559
Exactly.
01:07:12.719 --> 01:07:13.360
I don't understand.
01:07:13.599 --> 01:07:15.920
Why are you going to go and somebody should wear it?
01:07:16.880 --> 01:07:17.519
It's even in mentality.
01:07:17.679 --> 01:07:18.480
Say the same things to your office.
01:07:27.199 --> 01:07:28.800
But why even down to tradition?
01:07:29.519 --> 01:07:30.320
She actually became friends.
01:07:30.480 --> 01:07:33.440
So even down to tradition, it promotes that culture.
01:07:33.519 --> 01:07:33.679
Yes.
01:07:33.840 --> 01:07:36.239
They're sending people from different parts of certain parts of the world.
01:07:36.719 --> 01:07:39.199
I know in Europa now we don't collect diaries anymore, right?
01:07:39.280 --> 01:07:41.280
Because it's a thing where we think we're not selling our children.
01:07:41.519 --> 01:07:45.360
But there's certain people that the man has to renovate the woman's house.
01:07:46.320 --> 01:07:49.920
This thing has been happening since transaction didn't just start today.
01:07:50.079 --> 01:07:53.280
They feel like this who you want to marry, who are his parents.
01:07:53.440 --> 01:07:54.239
What do they do?
01:07:54.400 --> 01:07:58.239
This is the long list they're going to give to the man to present or to bring.
01:07:58.559 --> 01:08:00.400
You are talking about money exchange for sleep.
01:08:00.480 --> 01:08:02.719
It's those things have been from time immemorial.
01:08:03.119 --> 01:08:05.039
My mother were often married.
01:08:05.119 --> 01:08:06.400
People used to do those matchmaking.
01:08:06.480 --> 01:08:10.480
They didn't even know half the time those days, they'll just say, I have a son, you have a daughter, and America marry.
01:08:10.719 --> 01:08:12.320
You think they were marrying because of love?
01:08:12.480 --> 01:08:13.679
Because you could look after her.
01:08:13.760 --> 01:08:13.920
Yeah.
01:08:14.719 --> 01:08:15.519
Let me ask you a question.
01:08:16.159 --> 01:08:18.960
Um, I'm losing this fight.
01:08:19.199 --> 01:08:22.560
You both are honestly, there's nothing that we're gonna agree with.
01:08:22.640 --> 01:08:29.920
You want to say is there something to be said for and you know, first of all, I'm out of the game.
01:08:30.079 --> 01:08:33.439
So and I'm very grateful that I'm Susu, I love you die.
01:08:34.000 --> 01:08:34.800
Thank you for saving me.
01:08:38.560 --> 01:09:01.439
But for for a guy who maybe sees somebody that he likes or could potentially be into, is there something to be said for the pressure that that man may feel to say, ah, you know, I need to show her that I'm capable of providing certain things.
01:09:01.520 --> 01:09:04.960
So is there something to be in other words, is there something to be said for that?
01:09:05.279 --> 01:09:06.079
I definitely agree.
01:09:06.239 --> 01:09:06.720
Yeah, okay.
01:09:06.880 --> 01:09:07.840
I definitely agree.
01:09:07.920 --> 01:09:10.720
I feel like the way the world is right now and it's not starting from us.
01:09:10.880 --> 01:09:15.840
The reason why I'm sounding this way is because we're talking about Twitter and I know the arguments that happen every two, three days.
01:09:16.000 --> 01:09:19.359
Go back and ask your mother that is in the house, you that you're arguing why she married that man.
01:09:19.520 --> 01:09:20.720
How many of them knew each other?
01:09:20.960 --> 01:09:22.720
No, I'm just saying, how many of them knew each other?
01:09:22.960 --> 01:09:28.479
So I feel like society has become very um, we we appreciate things and we use people.
01:09:28.640 --> 01:09:30.159
Our offenses are so high.
01:09:30.399 --> 01:09:32.479
Gone were the days when the community raised children.
01:09:32.880 --> 01:09:41.600
Now in school, how many people when I went to school as a kid, primary school, if they came for one person and we all lived in the same community, we can all jump into a car and they will drop, drop, drop, drop.
01:09:42.000 --> 01:09:44.640
Now, with your G Wagons everything, who wants to enter your kids?
01:09:45.279 --> 01:09:48.960
So if those materialistic things that happen, the world has changed.
01:09:49.680 --> 01:09:55.279
I I would say this, I would say this, and you know, like Banky said, thank gods, we're not on the streets no more.
01:09:55.439 --> 01:10:01.520
Um, but I would say this if you guys dating, if you're if you're dating, this is this is for the guys, and I strongly believe this.
01:10:01.840 --> 01:10:06.399
You already talked about the streets has never been on the streets, has maybe seen a while.
01:10:09.359 --> 01:10:13.039
I would say this, especially, especially for the guys, right?
01:10:13.199 --> 01:10:18.960
If you're dating someone and like, okay, let's just say you meet this girl and within two weeks you're being billed.
01:10:19.199 --> 01:10:22.159
You guys, you guys are billed because you let it happen.
01:10:22.479 --> 01:10:31.119
If literally you met this girl a week or two, she's saying to you she needs rent, she needs that, you should be like, no, I don't even know your last name.
01:10:31.199 --> 01:10:34.479
I don't even know what your you should not, you should not be giving you a lot of people.
01:10:36.239 --> 01:10:38.880
I'm a dead guy with my future.
01:10:39.439 --> 01:10:40.239
That is fine.
01:10:40.319 --> 01:10:42.720
That is actually suicide.
01:10:43.760 --> 01:10:44.720
I'm not making jokes about it.
01:10:45.520 --> 01:10:48.960
Okay, but it's true, but the problem is that's what happens, they're not ashamed guests.
01:10:49.279 --> 01:10:51.119
This billing, you guys encourage it.
01:10:51.279 --> 01:10:52.720
I think they definitely encouraged it.
01:10:53.600 --> 01:10:54.640
I strongly, I have two boys.
01:10:54.720 --> 01:10:54.960
I have two.
01:10:57.840 --> 01:11:00.479
No, even I have a clear context with boys.
01:11:00.800 --> 01:11:09.520
One thing I'm gonna teach them, one thing one thing I will teach them is if you meet a girl, it shouldn't cost you this and that and this and that to get to know her.
01:11:09.680 --> 01:11:11.760
I'm not saying, I'm not saying that you shouldn't, you know, buy gifts.
01:11:12.720 --> 01:11:13.680
Like you guys take her to dinner.
01:11:14.319 --> 01:11:17.439
I'm not saying you shouldn't, I'm not saying you shouldn't uh it should be like completely free.
01:11:17.520 --> 01:11:33.439
I'm not saying you shouldn't like buy gifts or you shouldn't do nice things for her, but when it's like pay my rents, or I need this, or I need like I've I met you like a week ago and I'm asking you for like two million naira or something, and it's something that you are you're just like um I don't really have that, then of course, absolutely say no.
01:11:33.840 --> 01:11:44.079
And anybody that if you're in a situation and you find yourself, you know, being like um like where someone is trying to bill you and you say no, and the person comes to talk to you, talk, talk about you on Twitter, damn them.
01:11:44.319 --> 01:11:45.680
Damn them because that's BS.
01:11:45.760 --> 01:11:49.520
I think the problem with the Twitter is really the guys who don't have who are always making that noise.
01:11:49.600 --> 01:11:51.359
Because anyhow who no, no, let me say this.
01:11:51.600 --> 01:11:58.239
Anyone who really is confident in himself, no, anyone who is confident in himself and has can tell a bitch no.
01:11:58.399 --> 01:11:59.359
Because his confidence.
01:11:59.840 --> 01:12:00.640
Why she's gonna be a beast.
01:12:01.039 --> 01:12:02.720
No, I mean like you tell a girl no.
01:12:02.960 --> 01:12:04.000
Do you know what I'm trying to say?
01:12:04.079 --> 01:12:09.439
Like if you're confident, you are not a boy, you're not a nerd, you're not someone who had women problems growing up.
01:12:10.239 --> 01:12:10.880
You need love too.
01:12:11.199 --> 01:12:14.319
I know, but then I feel like sometimes they come across.
01:12:14.640 --> 01:12:21.039
I always say this, and I might get in trouble for this, but I I'm I'm a big believer of this within your wage and within your car.
01:12:21.279 --> 01:12:23.119
That way, there will not be stories that touch.
01:12:23.199 --> 01:12:23.840
Do you understand?
01:12:24.159 --> 01:12:31.119
You would have you would have a good girl at home, a girl who would even make dinner, who understand that baby don't have okay.
01:12:31.199 --> 01:12:32.640
For my own money, I've made dinner for us.
01:12:32.720 --> 01:12:41.760
You're cheating on that girl, trying to get with a babe that you know, you know that doing such this is this is what is scary, and this is why women are the way they are.
01:12:41.920 --> 01:12:43.680
When we see that, it scares us that.
01:12:43.760 --> 01:12:48.319
So is this guy just heaven forbid you end up with a guy who hasn't blown?
01:12:48.479 --> 01:12:50.399
You don't really know his true characteristics.
01:12:50.640 --> 01:12:53.199
The day he blows, then he now decides that waiting.
01:12:54.319 --> 01:12:55.039
You know what's so funny?
01:12:55.119 --> 01:12:59.520
I actually agree with that statement because they say money changes people, money doesn't change people, it just reverses.
01:13:01.840 --> 01:13:07.520
If you were bad, if you were not badly behaved before you got into some money, it means you just couldn't afford to behave.
01:13:08.000 --> 01:13:12.000
And so many men, sorry, but so many men are only dating girls for convenience, and it is so unfair.
01:13:12.640 --> 01:13:20.239
When you hear the story on the last how this girl would give everything, use her school fees to take care of you, and the moment you hammer, you now think you can take it.
01:13:20.720 --> 01:13:22.640
That's why that's that one is both ways.
01:13:22.960 --> 01:13:24.720
Sometimes when a body ends up breaking up.
01:13:29.039 --> 01:13:29.279
That's true.
01:13:29.359 --> 01:13:29.920
It happens.
01:13:30.720 --> 01:13:31.840
That's not that many, it's not that many.
01:13:33.439 --> 01:13:34.880
It happens, it happens.
01:13:35.199 --> 01:13:35.359
It is.
01:13:35.840 --> 01:13:36.560
I didn't say it doesn't happen.
01:13:36.800 --> 01:13:38.159
I didn't say it doesn't happen that often.
01:13:38.479 --> 01:13:46.399
So that's why I'm saying to you that I think it's been from time, it's the way the world, like, it's if you look at all the men in the Bible, like even let's just go biblically, right?
01:13:46.560 --> 01:13:49.920
It was almost like the onus was on the men to be the providers, the protectors.
01:13:50.560 --> 01:13:53.439
How many women did we know what worked in the Bible per se?
01:13:53.920 --> 01:13:56.720
They went to a well to get a wife for Rebecca, for Isaac.
01:13:56.880 --> 01:13:57.840
Come on, do you understand?
01:13:57.920 --> 01:13:59.359
And how what did it used to toaster?
01:13:59.680 --> 01:14:02.319
The the girl knew the father had this, had cattle had this.
01:14:02.479 --> 01:14:06.720
So it's always been, I feel like this arguments because people are trying to date out of their wage.
01:14:06.880 --> 01:14:08.640
If you cannot afford the girl, leave her.
01:14:08.960 --> 01:14:09.439
Do you understand?
01:14:09.520 --> 01:14:11.520
You should focus on the one that is praying for you to hammer.
01:14:11.600 --> 01:14:14.960
And if you hammer, let's hope that that's the girl that you still find attractive.
01:14:15.199 --> 01:14:20.880
So is there is there is there any place now for a couple building together?
01:14:21.119 --> 01:14:24.720
Or is it just wait until you because that's the other thing.
01:14:24.800 --> 01:14:31.199
That's wait, that's the other thing that they say now is that men don't eat young men don't even talk to girls anymore.
01:14:31.439 --> 01:14:35.039
So the interculture is now so so big.
01:14:35.279 --> 01:14:43.680
Because the guys are like if you don't have, if you if you've not gotten to the wage, then there's there's nothing degeneration out of it.
01:14:44.079 --> 01:14:45.359
You guys are missing what to said.
01:14:45.520 --> 01:14:52.000
Toke said that there could be like a girl, she's going to university, she's doing this, she's doing that, but you are focused on that interpretation.
01:14:53.439 --> 01:14:58.319
You're not looking at that one at this girl who could actually be okay with building together, building a life with you.
01:14:58.479 --> 01:14:59.279
You're looking at that one.
01:14:59.520 --> 01:15:00.560
But you don't know you can't make it.
01:15:01.520 --> 01:15:03.840
You know that the the wig she's wearing is only two minutes.
01:15:04.800 --> 01:15:07.199
Then it's you're attracted to stuff you cannot afford.
01:15:07.439 --> 01:15:09.199
Hey, you're attracted to stuff you cannot afford.
01:15:09.359 --> 01:15:12.159
And I feel like in terms of building, I don't think we're the right people to ask at the moment.
01:15:12.319 --> 01:15:13.840
She's a big me at the end.
01:15:14.319 --> 01:15:15.600
Um I'm 42 this year.
01:15:15.840 --> 01:15:16.640
Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
01:15:17.279 --> 01:15:21.279
The building has to have foundations for building foundation.
01:15:22.720 --> 01:15:26.960
And let me say at this point, it's too come on.
01:15:27.359 --> 01:15:29.680
But let me say this to young girls out there, and it breaks my heart.
01:15:30.000 --> 01:15:32.159
And I'm happy that we're having this conversation with men.
01:15:32.319 --> 01:15:41.199
Um, if um, I would tell every young girl in my DM, you cannot be in Moe, and this is not disrespect to guy people who live in Moe, it's just an analogy, right?
01:15:41.359 --> 01:15:49.760
You cannot be living in like the the you know, at a particular place and then expect a man to come into your life and transform you.
01:15:49.840 --> 01:15:52.720
I think you're not being realistic, and that's why you get into those problems.
01:15:53.039 --> 01:15:54.159
Shout out to people in Moe, though.
01:15:54.640 --> 01:15:55.279
Shout out to them.
01:15:55.359 --> 01:15:57.119
Like, I'm sorry, like work on yourself.
01:15:57.199 --> 01:15:57.760
Like, I would never be.
01:16:00.000 --> 01:16:04.800
I would never be a believer of girls who sit there and be like, I'm dating a man to change my world.
01:16:04.880 --> 01:16:06.880
Because even when you meet that word, we're talking about Twitter.
01:16:06.960 --> 01:16:10.000
I hear I heard that we've made this about Twitter, but you also see that on Twitter enough.
01:16:10.319 --> 01:16:12.800
I say what now you're talking about Twitter now.
01:16:13.039 --> 01:16:15.439
I said I hate on making this about Twitter, but you see that on Twitter enough.
01:16:15.600 --> 01:16:20.159
Yes, the whole woman saying, Ah, you better come correct, even though I'm in my way, like you said.
01:16:20.479 --> 01:16:24.880
Well, those ones, I always tell them so it was it was what's what's that?
01:16:26.640 --> 01:16:27.039
What's Tracy?
01:16:27.279 --> 01:16:29.600
Tracy Ellis Ross, she said something very interesting.
01:16:29.760 --> 01:16:38.159
Somebody said, um, asked if she was high maintenance, like you know, really they were talking about relationships and everything, and she's like, I am high maintenance, but I can maintain myself.
01:16:38.560 --> 01:16:42.159
So I feel that if you are clock it.
01:16:43.520 --> 01:16:43.920
Be one of those.
01:16:44.079 --> 01:16:46.079
So if you're listening guys, there's clock.
01:16:46.239 --> 01:16:47.600
Somebody was legit to my days.
01:16:47.920 --> 01:16:48.239
Clockets.
01:16:48.560 --> 01:16:54.640
Yeah, and then there's this one and then there's yeah, I think this one is like when I realized that it's two different things.
01:16:57.600 --> 01:16:58.800
You know you're not genetic.
01:17:00.079 --> 01:17:01.199
You don't see it there.
01:17:01.840 --> 01:17:03.920
I wouldn't take that if I were to be.
01:17:04.079 --> 01:17:04.399
It's okay.
01:17:04.479 --> 01:17:05.760
I'm okay, I'm alright.
01:17:06.880 --> 01:17:19.680
I think um also what I was trying to say is that if you have a certain lifestyle that you can maintain yourself, then in terms of who you're dating, you really should, the person should look at you and see, okay, this is what she's done for herself.
01:17:19.760 --> 01:17:22.560
This is what she can, you know, this is where she goes on holiday.
01:17:22.640 --> 01:17:25.520
Like for me now, I I like going on holiday.
01:17:25.600 --> 01:17:26.880
I like going to nice spaces and everything.
01:17:27.680 --> 01:17:28.640
So when your boy hollers.
01:17:28.880 --> 01:17:29.359
Oh my mom.
01:17:29.760 --> 01:17:34.479
When your boy hollers, you cannot take me to ah god, I'm not gonna say something.
01:17:39.600 --> 01:17:41.279
I I am going international.
01:17:41.600 --> 01:17:43.760
Yeah, I have like my passport is good.
01:17:43.840 --> 01:17:44.960
We can do do different things.
01:17:45.039 --> 01:17:46.159
So I think where did we go first?
01:17:46.239 --> 01:17:47.279
I think it was Zanzibar, right?
01:17:47.359 --> 01:17:47.680
Yeah, yeah.
01:17:47.840 --> 01:17:52.960
And I was like, and then we did this whole, we're gonna go to um places in the movies.
01:17:53.119 --> 01:17:55.359
So we're supposed to go to Madagascar and everything, anyways.
01:17:55.520 --> 01:17:56.399
So what I'm saying.
01:18:04.159 --> 01:18:05.279
Okay, okay, let me just go.
01:18:06.560 --> 01:18:08.560
Shout out to Tools for exactly what she's saying.
01:18:08.720 --> 01:18:14.720
Like, you cannot, I think the fights constantly happen because people are trying to fight an existing norm.
01:18:14.800 --> 01:18:22.000
Yes, you meet a girl who her father bought her a first car in her house, she sleeps on a bed, she doesn't share rooms, she does this, she does.
01:18:22.239 --> 01:18:23.439
You can like her, eh?
01:18:23.840 --> 01:18:25.199
But to be honest with yourself, right?
01:18:25.600 --> 01:18:26.239
What kind of life?
01:18:26.479 --> 01:18:28.880
What kind of life can I bring to add?
01:18:29.039 --> 01:18:32.239
I will support her building with you, but the foundation has to be solid.
01:18:32.479 --> 01:18:33.760
It's not that she's talking to you today.
01:18:33.840 --> 01:18:36.479
Today you want to sell cars, tomorrow you want to do movies, next tomorrow.
01:18:37.199 --> 01:18:39.760
No, no, no, because that's what I'm just saying.
01:18:39.840 --> 01:18:42.239
Like people come with you, babe, I have a vision.
01:18:42.560 --> 01:18:43.520
I just end up together.
01:18:43.600 --> 01:18:48.800
And then frustration enters because she's used to a certain kind of lifestyle, and it's also the same vice versa.
01:18:48.960 --> 01:18:52.239
I don't believe in women who are sitting there not doing anything for themselves, right?
01:18:52.399 --> 01:18:54.239
Expecting one man to come and save you.
01:18:54.399 --> 01:18:57.600
Those that have been saved have not told you what they are going through inside that saving.
01:18:57.840 --> 01:18:58.319
Do you understand?
01:18:58.560 --> 01:19:00.560
It's always nice for when you enter your husband's house.
01:19:00.640 --> 01:19:02.560
At least you came with your tiny keke.
01:19:02.640 --> 01:19:05.119
If he wants to talk to you, you're like, hey, I don't understand.
01:19:05.199 --> 01:19:06.319
We both built this together.
01:19:06.479 --> 01:19:11.520
I did not come to my house and give me my first bed or give me my first ticket out of town.
01:19:11.680 --> 01:19:12.560
My father did that for me.
01:19:12.720 --> 01:19:13.359
Do you know what I mean?
01:19:13.520 --> 01:19:19.840
So I feel like this fight will always happen because people are trying to live above their means and they know that she shame women.
01:19:20.720 --> 01:19:21.199
But she said that.
01:19:22.960 --> 01:19:23.600
But she said that she's gonna be a big thing.
01:19:25.359 --> 01:19:31.039
You know what is annoying about the Twitter men is the venom at which they want to attack a woman for knowing what she wants.
01:19:31.199 --> 01:19:32.239
And I'm sorry I have to say this.
01:19:32.479 --> 01:19:35.279
I feel so bad because men know what they want and they go for it.
01:19:35.439 --> 01:19:37.600
I believe that men are the biggest gold diggers.
01:19:37.680 --> 01:19:38.000
I do.
01:19:38.159 --> 01:19:40.880
Have you seen how men laugh at other men's rich men's jokes?
01:19:40.960 --> 01:19:41.840
Even if it's not funny.
01:19:44.319 --> 01:19:44.960
You know what you should do.
01:19:45.359 --> 01:19:46.800
Tell me a rich man's joke, that's a funny one.
01:19:48.079 --> 01:19:48.560
Tell me one.
01:19:48.960 --> 01:19:50.000
Go on Google, go on Google.
01:19:50.239 --> 01:19:51.920
The names are funny, please.
01:19:52.319 --> 01:19:57.439
Go on Google and search for Dangote's pictures with like um different artists.
01:19:57.600 --> 01:20:10.159
It's like, oh my gosh, it's like when you know I was a teenager and Usher was there, and I was like, oh my gosh, there's a certain artist that he was sitting next to Dangote, like almost like you know, so men, I do agree, it's okay.
01:20:12.960 --> 01:20:13.680
Do you understand?
01:20:13.920 --> 01:20:14.319
They will.
01:20:14.479 --> 01:20:17.600
A man will say, I'm from because sorry more, people say.
01:20:20.800 --> 01:20:23.680
A man will say I'm from wherever, right?
01:20:23.920 --> 01:20:26.079
I'm dating this girl because I never blew.
01:20:26.159 --> 01:20:29.279
But say me, no, but if I find Adenugas daughter, won't I try?
01:20:29.439 --> 01:20:31.840
And even me as the sister of that guy, let's be honest.
01:20:32.000 --> 01:20:37.920
If we bring the two of the girls together, I'll be trying for you to hammer with the Adenugas daughters because we're better for us.
01:20:38.079 --> 01:20:41.119
And it's okay, I'm not shaming you as a man for wanting better.
01:20:41.279 --> 01:20:44.319
I'm not shaming you for laughing at Dangote's jokes, even when it's not funny.
01:20:44.560 --> 01:20:46.800
But what I don't understand is funny though.
01:20:49.119 --> 01:20:56.800
What I don't understand is why you then find your Twitter trying to shame a girl for saying this is the kind of man she wants.
01:20:58.640 --> 01:21:00.640
If you're not the man, leave it now.
01:21:00.800 --> 01:21:01.520
Do you understand?
01:21:01.760 --> 01:21:03.199
Yeah, these fight can be there.
01:21:03.439 --> 01:21:04.239
Let's go happy.
01:21:05.039 --> 01:21:06.960
She wants Dangote, you are not Dango Te.
01:21:07.199 --> 01:21:10.079
Focus on the girl that is praying for you in your community, praying.
01:21:10.319 --> 01:21:11.279
I think acting.
01:21:11.680 --> 01:21:19.039
I think that that's that's probably part of the the challenge that we have with social media making everything so accessible.
01:21:19.199 --> 01:21:24.720
So you see the kind of girl that you would never normally come across in your life.
01:21:24.960 --> 01:21:30.000
But you're seeing her halfway across the world and the way she looks, and it might be filters, it might be whatever.
01:21:30.239 --> 01:21:49.520
It might be AI, it might be real, it might be you know, but but but now you've seen it and you've seen so much of it that you now naturally your brain has been rewired to want something that in the ordinary just scope of life, your work, your school, your church, your community, you would never have come across that.
01:21:49.760 --> 01:22:02.640
And in the same way, even for the girls, you know, they may see you know girls that are further along that have that are carrying a certain kind of bag or a certain kind of shoe or flying hair or whatever the case may be.
01:22:02.720 --> 01:22:08.960
And everybody now wants something that's it's beyond the natural progression.
01:22:09.039 --> 01:22:18.000
Like you it's not say you'll never get there, but there's this there's a there's a progression to that, there's a story to that, there's work, like you want to fly before you started crawling.
01:22:18.479 --> 01:22:23.279
And I think that that that unhealthy expectation exists on both sides of the gender.
01:22:23.600 --> 01:22:33.840
I mean, we're not supporting those kind of I don't think I'll sit here and support a female who just, as I said, you don't have any source of income, you're not working, you don't have any vision, but you just think that a kept woman.
01:22:34.159 --> 01:22:35.359
You don't want to be a body on Instagram.
01:22:35.600 --> 01:22:36.640
What is the monkey being?
01:22:36.720 --> 01:22:37.359
Do you understand?
01:22:37.520 --> 01:22:45.760
I do I do I do think that um social media has has been fantastic and also it has been quite horrible.
01:22:46.159 --> 01:22:51.520
Um, I think there's so many different things that people see on social media that first of all they think is real.
01:22:51.600 --> 01:22:59.439
Um I need to I need to remind people, and and I constantly have to remind myself um because sometimes you see someone you're like, oh my gosh, I wish I was, you know, doing this.
01:22:59.520 --> 01:23:08.239
But you also need to remember that in terms of what people are putting on social media, it's always most of the times, it's always the best version of their lives.
01:23:08.800 --> 01:23:20.960
So you might see that this person has opened their second store or something, or this person is like, you know, but they probably didn't share when they were selling at home, when they were doing all of this, they didn't share like the struggle.
01:23:21.119 --> 01:23:28.560
So you see that and you don't really realize that you know, quite often there's a struggle, or in terms of some sometimes, in terms of what people have.
01:23:29.039 --> 01:23:32.640
I mean, we all know about the stories of people to that go to Dubai and do crazy stuff.
01:23:32.880 --> 01:23:36.079
So when you're seeing somebody saying, Ah, you know, um, what's it called?
01:23:36.319 --> 01:23:37.840
Baba God's my new house or whatever.
01:23:38.079 --> 01:23:38.880
What do they do in Dubai?
01:23:39.039 --> 01:23:42.000
They might have eaten a ton of things in Dubai.
01:23:42.399 --> 01:23:43.039
You guys don't know.
01:23:43.199 --> 01:23:45.520
I do know I've heard crazy stories.
01:23:46.000 --> 01:23:50.079
Yes, they do they do things are going things are going on in Dubai.
01:23:50.239 --> 01:23:50.399
Yes.
01:23:50.640 --> 01:23:52.560
But I mean we like Dubai, sorry.
01:23:52.640 --> 01:23:54.399
Uh Ministry of Tourism, Dubai.
01:23:56.560 --> 01:23:57.119
Okay, okay.
01:23:57.279 --> 01:24:00.399
Let me just say in certain places in certain places in the world.
01:24:00.479 --> 01:24:01.520
Yeah, I love Dubai.
01:24:01.680 --> 01:24:04.560
Let me let me after after everything has settled down.
01:24:04.640 --> 01:24:05.039
I'll be good.
01:24:05.600 --> 01:24:06.000
I'll be back.
01:24:06.479 --> 01:24:15.600
It breaks my heart because I feel like we can love on each other as men and women and learn from each other in our differences without it constantly being you even relationships these days, is it talk of war?
01:24:15.840 --> 01:24:21.279
You know, you meet someone, is that they're trying to impress you, and you're just like, nigga, you don't need to build castles in the wind for me.
01:24:21.359 --> 01:24:22.640
Just let me know what it is.
01:24:22.800 --> 01:24:23.600
Do you understand?
01:24:23.760 --> 01:24:26.239
This is where you are, this is what your expectations are.
01:24:26.399 --> 01:24:27.600
Let me also say my own.
01:24:27.680 --> 01:24:30.239
But when you tell me yours, I'm supposed to accept it.
01:24:30.319 --> 01:24:34.880
But if I share with you what my expectations are, it's almost like you're not realistic, you know.
01:24:35.039 --> 01:24:45.920
It's so and it's a different rate, so there'll be men that will tell you things like, My wife must cook me a fresh meal, my wife must do this, and you're looking at them and you're thinking, Ah, in my own house, I don't even know how to cook.
01:24:46.159 --> 01:24:47.600
I might not be the one for you.
01:24:47.920 --> 01:24:51.439
How about you go meet the person that can cook for you three square meals?
01:24:51.520 --> 01:24:58.239
But no, they're like, you know, they still want to be here, and then you now get into that relationship, there's now a stumbling block because his expectations are not met.
01:24:58.319 --> 01:25:04.000
Yeah, so I feel like it's always that failed expectation and the reality that causes this issue with men and women.
01:25:04.319 --> 01:25:07.600
Let people do what they want to do, as long as it's not killing you.
01:25:08.159 --> 01:25:13.279
If the girl wants a man that will change her life and you're not the guy, there's not even an L.
01:25:13.520 --> 01:25:15.680
I think you're literally dodging a bullet.
01:25:15.840 --> 01:25:17.039
Yeah, you know what, you know what?
01:25:17.119 --> 01:25:22.079
It's stuff like that always fascinates me because I think about it this way, right?
01:25:22.159 --> 01:25:25.119
You're looking at this girl, this again, we're gonna use social media.
01:25:25.199 --> 01:25:33.680
This girl on Instagram, she's a baddie, her wigs are like what 2M, her bags are like how many M, and you're pursuing her and you don't have the money.
01:25:33.760 --> 01:25:37.279
Can you not see how stressful it is going to be for you, for your life?
01:25:37.600 --> 01:25:43.279
Like, literally, the small money that you have, you're gonna have to put it together so you can get her like a decent, you know, decent weight, decent bag.
01:25:43.439 --> 01:25:47.199
If she wants to go on holiday, you can't really just say, Oh, let's go to Bennett Republic.
01:25:47.279 --> 01:25:48.399
Big shout out to Bennett Republic.
01:25:48.479 --> 01:25:49.439
I really want to go there one day.
01:25:49.760 --> 01:25:54.880
Um, you can't really say that she she wants to go to, you know, she wants to go to Maldives, like business class, and everything.
01:25:55.039 --> 01:25:58.000
Yeah, even also the business class when they get to Maldives, the money for shopping.
01:25:58.239 --> 01:25:59.199
She has expectations.
01:25:59.680 --> 01:26:02.399
So I just I I think it's it is stressful.
01:26:02.640 --> 01:26:03.520
It is stressful.
01:26:03.680 --> 01:26:06.720
Yeah, I'm waiting, but yeah, this show is it's ours.
01:26:08.560 --> 01:26:11.279
So many questions, actually, we need to do a part two.
01:26:11.600 --> 01:26:13.840
So many questions because you guys are gonna have more legs on the show.
01:26:14.000 --> 01:26:15.760
On one hand, on the one hand, I hear you.
01:26:15.840 --> 01:26:18.000
I know I've been joking and playing around, I love that.
01:26:18.079 --> 01:26:19.520
Of course, I know how things should be.
01:26:19.600 --> 01:26:25.359
But on the one hand, you guys are saying, you know, don't come, don't step up if you're not on this level.
01:26:25.520 --> 01:26:26.640
And I agree with that, honestly.
01:26:26.720 --> 01:26:33.199
Everybody should find it both sides, I agree, everybody should it's controversial, but it's safer.
01:26:34.640 --> 01:26:36.720
But it seems to me, you're not saying so.
01:26:36.960 --> 01:26:48.880
If that girl with the 2m M wig and the 600m bag is within my bracket, the expectation now, from what I hear, is money.
01:26:49.920 --> 01:26:52.479
Am I gonna go to that girl now and just toast her?
01:26:52.880 --> 01:26:54.720
Because now you're mentioning vacations.
01:26:55.039 --> 01:27:02.239
I need to now take her on these trips because that's the level I've met her on, but that's also the level I have to now toast her on.
01:27:02.560 --> 01:27:04.720
It still goes back to the transaction side of things.
01:27:04.800 --> 01:27:10.239
Yes, transactional things have happened over time, but why can't I meet that girl and say, let's just hang out?
01:27:10.479 --> 01:27:12.079
She might be like, wait, wait, wait, wait.
01:27:12.159 --> 01:27:13.199
Where do you want to hang out?
01:27:13.520 --> 01:27:19.039
Are you gonna go to are you gonna go to like a fast food shop or you're gonna go to what's at Cali, all these different places?
01:27:19.279 --> 01:27:21.600
We can go to Cali, but now you're mentioning countries.
01:27:22.239 --> 01:27:24.239
But if you say you're at that level, let me ask you this question.
01:27:24.560 --> 01:27:25.279
Why are you not having that?
01:27:25.439 --> 01:27:34.880
But my point being, it almost feels like the way the world is, it almost feels like you haven't expressed that love until you bought that bag or you bought that way.
01:27:35.119 --> 01:27:36.720
Because those are the first things you mentioned.
01:27:36.960 --> 01:27:42.079
That is where the expression of love is seen, as against the act the act.
01:27:42.399 --> 01:27:45.520
People's love language now, you don't find it until you're married, demo.
01:27:45.920 --> 01:27:49.119
The honor says that or seven, you're like, wow, you mean all this while I could have just been dating.
01:27:49.199 --> 01:27:50.479
I didn't buy you red buttons.
01:27:50.880 --> 01:27:52.720
You know, but so I don't know if I'm making sense.
01:27:52.800 --> 01:27:59.359
Yeah, it still feels like the expression while you are in the dating space has to still be monetary on whatever level.
01:28:00.239 --> 01:28:05.279
In that other level, you are still taking the person to a fast food joint once in a while to buy chicken and joloff rice.
01:28:05.359 --> 01:28:07.359
Yeah, but if you stop up, it ends up in Cali and Snow.
01:28:08.239 --> 01:28:13.760
Say, for instance, now women, and I and I'm just speaking because I believe that women who are at that level that you're talking about, right?
01:28:14.000 --> 01:28:16.239
Are not just there to just receive, right?
01:28:16.560 --> 01:28:20.960
So if you meet a man and you guys are talking three weeks into the talking, he knows you like to go on holiday.
01:28:21.039 --> 01:28:22.079
He's like, How do you relax?
01:28:22.159 --> 01:28:24.159
You're like, Oh, I don't, you know, I just like to be on a plane.
01:28:24.239 --> 01:28:26.159
He's like, let's go on holiday together, right?
01:28:26.399 --> 01:28:29.359
Well, if they tell you at the beginning and I like to go on a plane, then you have to know.
01:28:29.680 --> 01:28:31.439
I'm just even getting somewhere.
01:28:31.600 --> 01:28:33.279
And you guys go on that holiday.
01:28:33.439 --> 01:28:38.880
I don't think that women who just because they are weeks, they are two million and they do not give anything back to the guy.
01:28:39.039 --> 01:28:41.119
As you're going out, I can pay for dinner.
01:28:41.279 --> 01:28:44.399
It's not every day when we're on that holiday, you you grab the check.
01:28:44.560 --> 01:28:53.279
And I like buying things for if I I know they do and before, but if I like you, I'm the kind of person who would actually wake up before you wake up and go and get you a present.
01:28:53.680 --> 01:29:00.000
Because it's not money, is not what we're money, is not our discussion because money day is when there's no money.
01:29:00.079 --> 01:29:02.560
There's always this kind of k leg, k leg, k leg.
01:29:03.119 --> 01:29:03.600
Yeah, man.
01:29:03.840 --> 01:29:04.239
Do you guess?
01:29:04.399 --> 01:29:04.640
I agree.
01:29:04.800 --> 01:29:08.640
It's not always sometimes, shout out, shout, shout out to shout out to Cynthia.
01:29:09.439 --> 01:29:10.560
I know Cynthia would take your hand.
01:29:11.760 --> 01:29:12.479
Yes, you get.
01:29:12.800 --> 01:29:16.640
As he's taking her to Madagascar, I'm so sure that's shout out to me.
01:29:21.039 --> 01:29:22.000
So that's what I'm saying.
01:29:22.239 --> 01:29:23.760
I don't think it's always financial.
01:29:23.840 --> 01:29:27.119
I feel like it's people that people who are broke talk about money so many times.
01:29:27.520 --> 01:29:29.920
They are the ones who are always hammering about cash, cash, cash.
01:29:30.159 --> 01:29:32.479
When you sit down with the reality, noticed this.
01:29:36.399 --> 01:29:39.520
Imagine a group of guys who really have money saying, Oh my gosh, she has to go on holiday.
01:29:39.680 --> 01:29:41.520
They will laugh and be like, Why is that thing?
01:29:41.680 --> 01:29:48.319
I also think that's not I don't think that that there's love without giving.
01:29:48.479 --> 01:29:52.079
There's no I don't think that there's really any true love without giving.
01:29:54.159 --> 01:30:00.079
Even the Bible says, For God so loved the world that he gave his only son.
01:30:00.479 --> 01:30:09.039
So I think the the when it when the conversation descends into oh, it's transactional, it's transactional, it's transactional.
01:30:09.199 --> 01:30:14.560
We've reframed or we've we've put it in this, it's either transactional or it's nothing.
01:30:14.880 --> 01:30:17.439
And I don't think that love exists in those two extremes.
01:30:17.600 --> 01:30:25.119
I think love exists somewhere in the middle where if I'm when I was dating Susu before we got married, I wouldn't want to take her out.
01:30:25.199 --> 01:30:28.159
I would want to, you know, spend money on her, buy her nice things.
01:30:28.319 --> 01:30:33.199
It's not because I thought this was my transactional way of getting her.
01:30:33.680 --> 01:30:35.439
But do you know why you were weird that way?
01:30:35.760 --> 01:30:37.199
Because that's your reality.
01:30:37.520 --> 01:30:38.159
So that's what I'm saying.
01:30:38.640 --> 01:30:41.760
Chapter four, you're trying to date somebody in chapter 17 who does not understand.
01:30:43.199 --> 01:30:51.760
So I think even like say, you know, like you know, like we've said on this show, even if two people are not yet well to do in the world, they will still be giving.
01:30:52.000 --> 01:30:55.119
It just will not be a pair of designer heels.
01:30:55.359 --> 01:30:57.920
But the man will do what is within his power to do.
01:30:58.079 --> 01:31:08.800
And I I think that that's the my challenge with these debates that happen online is that it just makes these things so extreme where we lose the opportunity for love to be able to do that.
01:31:08.960 --> 01:31:10.720
There's no middle ground, there's no nuance, everything.
01:31:12.560 --> 01:31:18.479
Also, also you need to realize that social media, I don't know why you're angry.
01:31:19.199 --> 01:31:19.680
It's real.
01:31:20.079 --> 01:31:20.800
It is not real.
01:31:20.880 --> 01:31:35.279
So do not base your like right now, there's so many people on on Twitter X, whatever you want to call it, that what they will do is they'll just come up with a crazy story that they will know will go viral and they want to get some of you know to must dollars and stuff and stuff.
01:31:35.520 --> 01:31:36.159
So it's not real.
01:31:36.239 --> 01:31:39.199
So do not be basing your relationship on what you see on social media.
01:31:39.279 --> 01:31:43.920
Do not be because somebody tweeted this, do not think that that's you know, that that's that's also with Twitter.
01:31:44.079 --> 01:31:45.359
I realize that you're with everybody.
01:31:45.439 --> 01:31:46.880
Twitter, Twitter is like that public.
01:31:46.960 --> 01:31:48.960
What's like you buffy explained it perfectly.
01:31:49.039 --> 01:31:52.319
It's like a match going on on the roadside and everybody going to that place to watch the match.
01:31:52.399 --> 01:31:53.920
The guest map self is on Twitter.
01:31:54.000 --> 01:31:55.600
Then you want to talk about two million a week.
01:31:55.760 --> 01:31:59.359
Somebody that's not easy, of course he's angry in his response.
01:31:59.520 --> 01:32:00.560
He's upset.
01:32:00.880 --> 01:32:01.520
You know what I mean?
01:32:01.840 --> 01:32:09.439
So I'm not saying that you have to deal with people who are on your wavelength, which is why my message today is date your wage so that you avoid stories that touch.
01:32:10.079 --> 01:32:11.199
Imagine your wavelength.
01:32:11.359 --> 01:32:11.600
I like that.
01:32:11.680 --> 01:32:12.159
Yeah, I like that.
01:32:12.319 --> 01:32:13.359
Your gate man is on Twitter.
01:32:13.439 --> 01:32:14.640
I know my gate marries on Twitter.
01:32:14.720 --> 01:32:16.079
I see them, I see them on this X.
01:32:16.319 --> 01:32:21.279
So imagine him reading a story where you're saying a girl wanted asked a guy for five million naira.
01:32:21.520 --> 01:32:22.000
Are you kidding?
01:32:22.079 --> 01:32:26.640
He will swear for her because he's thinking, what do you mean?
01:32:26.720 --> 01:32:27.920
They're so angry.
01:32:28.159 --> 01:32:30.000
Why are they so angry on Twitter?
01:32:30.640 --> 01:32:31.680
You know, X is the problem.
01:32:31.840 --> 01:32:32.800
Twitter was nice.
01:32:33.119 --> 01:32:33.840
X is the problem.
01:32:35.359 --> 01:32:38.079
You see tweeting from one phone you've never seen before in your life.
01:32:41.920 --> 01:32:45.119
No, let's get to the tweet from away.
01:32:50.159 --> 01:32:51.039
There's a phone call.
01:32:56.239 --> 01:32:58.079
You should not invite me back to the show.
01:32:59.199 --> 01:33:00.960
You that they're coming back immediately after this.
01:33:01.920 --> 01:33:03.199
Are you gonna have more ladies on the show?
01:33:03.439 --> 01:33:05.039
Let's go to the this one is enough.
01:33:05.600 --> 01:33:07.520
We just have to come and explain yourself, even what to finish us.
01:33:11.359 --> 01:33:12.399
Why do you think this is a debate?
01:33:12.479 --> 01:33:14.720
We are gentle because he said he called us here to debate.
01:33:15.039 --> 01:33:18.560
I was just being here for my called you here to learn.
01:33:18.880 --> 01:33:20.399
We called you here to be here.
01:33:20.800 --> 01:33:21.439
Okay, let me come.
01:33:23.039 --> 01:33:24.079
Oh, we won, we won.
01:33:25.520 --> 01:33:38.239
I'm so happy I didn't say because if it was someone that was not talking, I was just like, yeah, they will fry me on Twitter, but at least they will fry my Twitter Twitter dragon, Twitter Dragon.
01:33:39.920 --> 01:33:41.439
Let's go to our live original moment.
01:33:41.760 --> 01:33:48.960
Sorry, we got this fan message, and it touched on something that I wanted us to talk about earlier, but we'll just wrap up with that on vulnerability.
01:33:49.199 --> 01:33:50.560
How many hours have we been speaking for?
01:33:50.960 --> 01:33:57.920
On vulnerability, um, and he says we're often told to be the rock as men, but sometimes that rock is cracking.
01:33:58.399 --> 01:34:05.840
So now, to both of you, if a man in your life, your partner or brother were to be completely vulnerable and admit he was overwhelmed or scared about his future, how would you honestly react?
01:34:06.000 --> 01:34:14.000
Is there truly space in a Nigerian relationship for a man to be original and weak at the same time without losing respect?
01:34:14.479 --> 01:34:20.239
I mean, I guess for the kind of people who are here, I guess I know what your answer would be, but I know where he's coming from.
01:34:20.399 --> 01:34:26.000
There's a belief that men, as a man, they're supposed to carry the weight a certain way.
01:34:26.159 --> 01:34:32.720
When you crack, once you're not too crazy, we think they do you, you know, it's almost like unacceptable culturally, even in this part of the world.
01:34:33.039 --> 01:34:36.399
But just you guys, your take on vulnerability in men.
01:34:36.960 --> 01:34:44.960
I feel like the the the one thing that was wrong in that tweet, and I know it's cultural, is thinking being vulnerable is being weak.
01:34:45.039 --> 01:34:49.520
Yeah, it takes an enormous amount of strength to be vulnerable.
01:34:49.920 --> 01:34:52.079
Yeah, but it's what I said about how men are conditioned.
01:34:52.319 --> 01:35:01.920
Yeah, I and I agree, but I don't think that, you know, I I feel personally for me, if I'm in a relationship with someone, I would want to know.
01:35:02.000 --> 01:35:03.199
Don't tell me only the good stuff.
01:35:03.279 --> 01:35:04.399
I want to know your demons.
01:35:04.720 --> 01:35:07.199
Those are the things that will make me even know if I want to do this or not.
01:35:07.439 --> 01:35:11.680
So I'm I'm the first person to say on a date, there's no need for all this, and then I like this.
01:35:12.239 --> 01:35:14.479
What is a breaking point for you?
01:35:14.640 --> 01:35:15.359
You know, what is this?
01:35:15.439 --> 01:35:23.279
And I feel like if people learned how to communicate properly, honestly, we can hear ourselves without talking above ourselves as a man and as a woman.
01:35:23.520 --> 01:35:28.239
You should be that person that I should be the one that you want to tell when shit is going left.
01:35:28.399 --> 01:35:29.279
Do you understand?
01:35:29.600 --> 01:35:30.720
I also have fears.
01:35:30.800 --> 01:35:33.199
If I can bring it to you, why can't you bring it to me?
01:35:33.359 --> 01:35:36.159
So we need to decondition ourselves, even as men.
01:35:36.239 --> 01:35:39.199
And I think that we're doing a great job in this generation raising men.
01:35:39.359 --> 01:35:48.640
I see how you raise your boys, I see how people are very, very conscious about boys and letting them know it's okay to cry, it's okay to wash the dishes, it's okay to cook.
01:35:48.800 --> 01:35:50.720
It's not a female's job alone.
01:35:50.960 --> 01:35:55.680
I think we have to re-educate men to make them understand that being vulnerable is not being weak.
01:35:55.760 --> 01:36:05.279
And a woman that cannot take you at that stage, you have no business being with her when you're when things are um I would say that for me as a mom of two boys.
01:36:05.439 --> 01:36:16.079
As a mom of two boys, for me, when you're dating as a woman, dating somebody and knowing that they consider you their safe space, I think that is just beautiful.
01:36:16.399 --> 01:36:24.479
Knowing that the person that I'm dating, the person or the person I'm married to, the person that I'm with, that I want to do life with, can say that this is my safe space.
01:36:24.560 --> 01:36:25.680
I think that's incredible.
01:36:26.000 --> 01:36:29.119
Um, I don't think it's I don't think it's like uh it's a sign of weakness.
01:36:29.279 --> 01:36:31.600
I don't think being vulnerable is a sign of weakness.
01:36:31.760 --> 01:36:38.399
I think that is, um, this is gonna sound so cliche, but I feel like that is reaching some next level of intimacy.
01:36:38.960 --> 01:36:43.840
Because I think people consider intimacy, a lot of people think intimacy is like, you know, sort of sex and everything just about sex.
01:36:44.079 --> 01:36:52.000
But when you really, really deep intimacy, it is about knowing the person's innermost feelings and then having them share that with you.
01:36:52.479 --> 01:37:01.039
So if you're looking at me and you're like, I want to tell you about the thing that scares me the most, I think that is like a next level connection.
01:37:01.760 --> 01:37:10.000
So I would I I would really, really, really encourage, you know, a lot of guys um to be comfortable having certain conversations.
01:37:10.159 --> 01:37:26.319
I think one of the reasons why um across the world, um, when you you know really look at black men, uh, one of the reasons why mental health numbers are quite scary is because they don't feel that they have safe spaces that where they can just say, this is what I'm worried about.
01:37:26.479 --> 01:37:30.479
This is, you know, I'm I don't know if I'm gonna be able to make next year's rent.
01:37:30.560 --> 01:37:32.399
I don't know if I'm gonna be able to, you know, do this.
01:37:32.560 --> 01:37:41.920
And what happens is, and I I always I always say this to captain as well, I always say there's certain things that you might not say, and you're in your mind, you think you're keeping it, but it's coming out in different ways.
01:37:42.159 --> 01:37:43.359
It's coming out in different ways.
01:37:43.520 --> 01:37:48.800
So what you're dealing with mentally that you're not sharing with your partner, it comes out in different ways.
01:37:48.880 --> 01:37:54.079
It comes out in your, you might be, you know, a bit more impatient, a bit more this, a bit more, you know.
01:37:54.159 --> 01:37:58.560
I could come to you and say, Oh my gosh, you know, it's like uh it's my birthday, or let's go and do this.
01:37:58.720 --> 01:38:07.840
And in your mind, because you're thinking, we need to pay for this, we need to do this, we need to do that, you're thinking that I maybe don't know the depths of your thoughts.
01:38:08.079 --> 01:38:17.119
So I come up to you with something that is just not not like a big deal, but you'd react differently because in your mind you're like, she hasn't, why, why is she why is she not even thinking about this?
01:38:17.199 --> 01:38:19.680
But I'm like, you haven't shared that with me.
01:38:20.079 --> 01:38:25.520
So I think it's very, very important, just like um to ke said as well, to be able to talk about the good and the bad.
01:38:25.600 --> 01:38:31.039
Yeah, you know, so we demand that man and woman access.
01:38:33.199 --> 01:38:34.479
Well, thank you, thank you very much.
01:38:34.640 --> 01:38:40.159
I think I I think it's been uh I know like I said, we I joked around a lot, but honestly, it was a great conversation.
01:38:41.039 --> 01:38:41.359
You're welcome.
01:38:41.760 --> 01:38:45.680
There was a lot of devil advocacy and just trying to make it fun, yeah.
01:38:45.840 --> 01:38:48.880
But at the core of it, I think we had the perfect guests for this.
01:38:49.039 --> 01:38:50.960
Oh you guys, we really did.
01:38:51.199 --> 01:38:52.399
I hope you guys learned a lot today.
01:38:52.880 --> 01:38:54.000
Wow, I'm showing you now.
01:38:54.159 --> 01:38:55.279
You want to talk into shit.
01:38:55.520 --> 01:38:57.920
I hope you guys will be better connected, yeah.
01:38:58.159 --> 01:39:00.640
Yeah, and tell your people to act better.
01:39:00.960 --> 01:39:06.720
Yeah, but yeah, just thank you guys for your insights um for your uh hard truths.
01:39:07.119 --> 01:39:08.079
People should have lying.
01:39:11.840 --> 01:39:15.520
And um, yeah, hopefully, this uh this is the first time we've had women on the show.
01:39:15.680 --> 01:39:21.520
Oh my god, we're thinking they're first you should do this.
01:39:22.479 --> 01:39:23.279
How many episodes now?
01:39:23.439 --> 01:39:26.479
Well, I feel like you guys definitely need to do this again.
01:39:26.640 --> 01:39:27.279
You need to do this again.
01:39:27.439 --> 01:39:31.359
I think you do all your many episodes and then you're like wow.
01:39:31.920 --> 01:39:32.479
Thanks for coming.
01:39:32.560 --> 01:39:33.520
Thanks for stopping by.
01:39:35.119 --> 01:39:36.000
But it was very interesting.
01:39:36.079 --> 01:39:40.000
I mean, it was eye-opening, it was good, it was nice to see to hear things from this perspective.
01:39:40.079 --> 01:39:42.880
We had so much more to even cover, but uh, maybe next time.
01:39:43.039 --> 01:39:43.520
Thank you very much.
01:39:43.920 --> 01:39:46.000
Financial conversation took us to another level.
01:39:46.159 --> 01:39:48.000
Yeah, she's so angry.
01:39:48.399 --> 01:39:53.840
People are very angry, but it's at the core of a lot of the conversations now amongst between genders.
01:39:54.000 --> 01:39:55.760
Yeah, I was like, I understand why.
01:39:57.359 --> 01:39:59.279
Thank you, tools, thank you, talker.
01:39:59.520 --> 01:40:00.079
Thank you so much.
01:40:00.560 --> 01:40:01.680
You can also see their podcast.
01:40:02.079 --> 01:40:03.359
Yeah, yes, yes, yes, yes.
01:40:03.520 --> 01:40:05.119
So, when are you guys coming on token moments?
01:40:06.239 --> 01:40:07.199
People should share your markets.
01:40:07.359 --> 01:40:08.159
I've not invited us now.
01:40:08.319 --> 01:40:09.279
Invite us, we'll come.
01:40:09.520 --> 01:40:10.319
I would invite both of you.
01:40:10.479 --> 01:40:12.159
Yeah, so for talking moments, they will come.
01:40:12.239 --> 01:40:12.720
Well, here you go.
01:40:12.800 --> 01:40:13.520
You come on now, yeah.
01:40:13.600 --> 01:40:15.680
You have, you have, you have yes, you've been on your show.
01:40:16.000 --> 01:40:16.800
Oh, well on TV.
01:40:16.880 --> 01:40:19.039
You just haven't been on, you've been on token moments.
01:40:19.359 --> 01:40:19.920
Yes, yes, I have.
01:40:20.000 --> 01:40:20.800
Yeah, you know what we need to do?
01:40:20.880 --> 01:40:22.159
We need to do like a motherhood special.
01:40:22.239 --> 01:40:23.039
A girl, yeah, yeah.
01:40:23.439 --> 01:40:23.520
What?
01:40:23.840 --> 01:40:24.479
A motherhood special.
01:40:25.039 --> 01:40:28.479
Yeah, anyway, since you also watch air, watch off air, watch to speak.
01:40:28.640 --> 01:40:29.119
Yes, took it.
01:40:29.600 --> 01:40:30.000
Yes, indeed.
01:40:30.159 --> 01:40:31.600
But make sure you watch one more.
01:40:33.039 --> 01:40:35.520
Everything's a competition with the competition.
01:40:35.920 --> 01:40:36.319
Thank you, guys.
01:40:36.399 --> 01:40:37.680
Cheers, cheers, cheers, cheers, cheers.
01:40:37.920 --> 01:40:38.079
Cheers.
01:40:38.159 --> 01:40:41.920
Oh, life after 40 is gonna be great because I'm so happy that I'm in my forties.
01:40:42.399 --> 01:40:43.680
I do not want to be in my 20s.
01:40:43.760 --> 01:40:46.640
When I see those I don't know how they are doing it, man.
01:40:47.359 --> 01:40:55.439
I do back on as you in this in these trenches.
01:40:57.199 --> 01:41:03.600
This season of mentality with Abuka is brought to you by Schweppes and the Glen Lee Vett.