Part 2: Samara

WEBVTT
NOTE
This file was generated by Descript
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JACK: [Music] Death is inescapable.
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Our lives are constantly ticking to
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their end, and in my opinion this must
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be the most solemn news one can hear.
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Like, that should be traumatizing when
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you first hear that someday you're gonna
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die, yet strangely I can't recall the
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moment that I first learned I would die.
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I must have learned it when I
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was a child, but maybe I didn't
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understand that I was even alive yet.
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Like, whatever this is,
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consciousness, living, it feels
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permanent when you're young.
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Like, you can't fathom that you turn
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off at some point and cease to exist.
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Gosh, even now as an adult it’s hard to
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understand what my death will be like.
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You feel like the center
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of the universe as a kid.
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The world without you is inconceivable.
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No way all this ends.
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Really?
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But maybe what happened is instead of
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letting fear paralyze us and traumatize
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us, maybe this revelation becomes the
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spark that ignites our lust for life, our
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appreciation for every breath, and the
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more it sinks in that I’m gonna someday
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die, the more my senses sharpen, my
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drive grows stronger, and the things that
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truly matter about life come into focus.
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To have a happy life — I
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mean, look at children.
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They live with effortless joy,
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untouched by the weight of the
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end or the gloom of existence.
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They embrace fun in a way that
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we forget how to do as adults,
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and there’s a profound beauty
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in that kind of wild spirit.
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Life is such a gift.
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But do kids really appreciate that gift?
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Are they grateful to be alive?
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Do they even understand
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what being alive is?
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I mean, it reminds me of this parable
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that David Foster Wallace once said.
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Here, I’ll play it for you.
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DAVID: There are these two young fish
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swimming along and they happen to meet
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an older fish swimming the other way who
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nods at them and says, morning, boys.
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How’s the water?
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The two young fish swim on for
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a bit, and then eventually one
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of them looks over at the other
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and goes, what the hell is water?
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JACK: Kids don't know what
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life even is, do they?
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They take it for granted
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and live worry-free in it.
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It’s blissful, yes, but as much as
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I wish to have a blissful life, I’d
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rather live a life where I’m aware of
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what’s at stake, which is everything.
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[To Zachariah] So, we left off with
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you running away, like literally.
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Tell me about that run.
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ZACHARIAH: That was the
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strangest run of my life.
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[Music] When I think about it,
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I can't believe what happened.
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I saw so many things.
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A homeless guy tried to stop
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me and ask me for money.
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I jumped over a drunk guy who
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was passed out on the street.
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I saw a car accident happen
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right in front of me.
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I saw some guy beat up three guys.
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I saw some kids pick-pocketing someone
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and then running away, and for a
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moment I was running along with them.
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They turned off.
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I couldn't believe how many
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weird things I ran past.
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JACK: What made you stop running?
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ZACHARIAH: What made me stop?
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I don't remember.
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Oh yes; I saw a family, a mother
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and a father both holding the
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hands of their four-year-old child,
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asking him how he liked the food.
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I was caught off guard by the way
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they were looking at their child.
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I could see just how much love they
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had between them all, and in the cold,
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cruel world, seeing something like
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this was worth stopping to watch.
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It’s important to remember that
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there’s this love in the world,
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especially when all is dark around you.
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[Music] It’s like a candle in the dark
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that just makes the darkness scatter.
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Then I looked around and I
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thought, where the fuck am I?
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I walked around trying to recognize
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anything, but I had no clue where I was.
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It’s not like I chose to run here.
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I just ran randomly.
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Then I saw a building that I did
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recognize, and the only thing I knew
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about this area was that there was a
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kid that I know that lives around here.
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So, I tried to find him.
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It took me a while, but I found
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him and I told him that I ran away,
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and asked him what I should do.
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He said he knows a guy
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that might be able to help.
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So, he walked with me to this apartment
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building that we were trying to go
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to, but I realized we were gonna
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go past my grandpa’s apartment.
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I told my friend I wanted
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to stop there for a minute.
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I told him to wait outside and get ready
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to move as soon as I come back out.
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I went in to see my grandpa, and he let
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me in and asked if I wanted some tea.
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I said yes.
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As soon as he started making it,
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I grabbed his wallet and I took
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all the money from it, and I left.
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Then the two of us ran away.
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JACK: Do you remember — did you
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ever count up how much money you
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had that day, like all total?
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ZACHARIAH: That was the most
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amount of money I’ve ever seen.
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I felt so rich.
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I remember thinking, fuck,
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I should get a mansion.
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But no, I don't remember exactly how much.
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I think it was — I think — I
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remember if I added it up, I
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could probably buy a shitty car.
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JACK: So what’s that,
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a few hundred dollars?
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ZACHARIAH: Yeah, maybe that much.
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I don't know.
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Like over a hundred dollars.
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JACK: Okay.
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So, where was your friend taking you?
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ZACHARIAH: He took me to this old man’s
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apartment in a dirty part of town.
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This old, fat guy opened the door, and my
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friend told him I need a place to stay.
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But my friend gave him the wrong name.
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He mispronounced my name.
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So, he basically gave
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the old man a fake name.
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This guy nodded at me and said my
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fake name, and then he said he has
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to go somewhere, and then he just
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opened the door up and just let us in.
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He didn't say much at all, but
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it seemed like he was welcoming
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us to stay, so we stayed.
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JACK: Wait, you were the
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only person in the house?
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ZACHARIAH: Yeah.
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It was really fucking weird.
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My friend left, too, and
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it was just me in there.
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So, the apartment had two bedrooms.
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One looked like his bedroom with
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clothes and shit in it, and the
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other bedroom just had two mattresses
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on the floor and nothing else.
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So, I thought I should take that room.
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I laid down on one of
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the mattresses to rest.
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Since I almost got raped by a pedo
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that day, I kept my pocketknife
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open and fell asleep with it in
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my hand, and I laid on top of it.
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JACK: So, who was this guy
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who let you stay there?
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ZACHARIAH: I don't know much about him.
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He had tattoos.
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He was ex-military.
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I lived there for over a year, but
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the whole time he rarely spoke.
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Often I forgot he even could speak.
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But if you ask him something,
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he’ll just grunt or point at
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something and just not say anything.
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He just would sit and read when
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he was there, books or magazines.
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He would read about military crusades.
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JACK: Did you eventually
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tell him your actual name?
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ZACHARIAH: No, I never did.
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He only knew me by my fake name,
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and that name stuck with me.
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So, everyone was calling
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me by a fake name.
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I just figured if people want to call
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me that, then I’ll just let them.
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So, I just went with it.
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JACK: And he didn't mind that
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you were just gonna live there?
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ZACHARIAH: I guess not.
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It was fucking weird, I know.
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But it seemed okay, so I was
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like, I guess I live here now.
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It’s not like I had a fucking
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choice to go somewhere else.
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There were some teenagers that knew that
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this guy was a cool dude, and he’d let
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anyone come in his place if they wanted.
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So, teenagers would come over all
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the time and smoke pot in there.
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One time they brought over a gravity
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bucket and said, do you want to try it?
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I was like, why not?
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I had nothing else to
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do, so, fuck it, why not?
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That was the first time I smoked pot.
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JACK: What did you think of it?
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ZACHARIAH: I loved it.
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I smoked so much pot in
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that house, it was crazy.
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I gained weight from it.
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JACK: Were you fed there, too?
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ZACHARIAH: Well, it wasn't like
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the old guy had a fridge full of
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food, but the stuff he did bring
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home, you didn't care if you ate it.
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I remember I’d find old pickled cucumbers
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in a jar or a old can of beans, and
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I’d eat it right out of the can.
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If I was lucky he’d
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leave a sausage for me.
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I didn't have a choice of
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what I could eat, you know?
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So, I just ate anything
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that was given to me.
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JACK: Did you make any friends
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while you were living there?
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ZACHARIAH: Well, it’s not like
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I was going to school or to the
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park to meet other kids my age.
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The teenagers that would come over
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and smoke pot is who I saw the most.
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So, I became friends with them.
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I’d walk around the streets
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with them and stuff.
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They would do things like wait
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outside bars for drunk people
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to come out and then rob them.
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I didn't like robbing people,
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so I wouldn't do that.
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But they'd get in trouble a lot, and
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they'd get caught robbing someone, and
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suddenly there’d be a fight, or some
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drunk guy is grabbing one of my friends.
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It’s not like I’m gonna let my
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friend get grabbed by some old
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dude, so I’d help them fight back.
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Like, one time one of my friends
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got grabbed, and I kicked the back
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of this old guy’s knees, which made
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his legs give out and he fell over.
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It was actually pretty funny.
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Hm, once I hit some guy over the head
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with a stick because he had one of
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my friends, and once I did that, he
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grabbed me and put me in a headlock.
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Then I bit him, which then he
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let go of me, and I ran away.
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It wasn't like I was looking for trouble.
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It somehow found me, you know?
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But I did get an adrenaline rush from it.
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JACK: I’m curious; how do you
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rate that part of your life?
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Like, was your life shit then?
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ZACHARIAH: No, it was great.
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I had a warm place to
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sleep, food, free pot.
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I loved it.
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JACK: So, what changed all that?
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ZACHARIAH: [Music] Hm, it all started
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to change when those teenagers
00:10:08.229 --> 00:10:10.050
started bringing over heavier drugs.
00:10:10.569 --> 00:10:11.799
That’s when the line between
00:10:11.799 --> 00:10:15.220
surviving and dying got really thin.
00:10:16.250 --> 00:10:16.979
I couldn't tell which
00:10:16.979 --> 00:10:18.289
side I was on anymore.
00:10:19.269 --> 00:10:20.269
It felt like I was living
00:10:20.269 --> 00:10:21.320
on the razor’s edge.
00:10:28.559 --> 00:10:30.899
JACK: Do you ever feel the void?
00:10:31.829 --> 00:10:35.149
That quiet, gnawing sense that something
00:10:35.169 --> 00:10:38.160
essential is missing from your life?
00:10:38.930 --> 00:10:40.519
It’s not loud or obvious.
00:10:40.519 --> 00:10:42.380
It’s subtle, like a shadow at the
00:10:42.380 --> 00:10:43.559
edge of your vision, and when you try
00:10:43.559 --> 00:10:45.850
to look directly at it, it’s gone.
00:10:46.850 --> 00:10:48.219
It’s like a whisper you can
00:10:48.220 --> 00:10:50.589
never quite clearly hear, but
00:10:50.599 --> 00:10:52.059
it’s always there, isn't it?
00:10:52.629 --> 00:10:55.339
A kind of emptiness, a quiet ache
00:10:55.369 --> 00:10:58.739
that says this can't be all there is.
00:10:59.439 --> 00:11:00.889
Life is more than this.
00:11:01.619 --> 00:11:02.769
But what am I missing?
00:11:04.039 --> 00:11:05.209
Maybe we feel it because we
00:11:05.209 --> 00:11:06.910
dream of being more than we are.
00:11:07.220 --> 00:11:09.060
We sense the potential within us,
00:11:09.440 --> 00:11:11.399
the greatness that we could reach.
00:11:12.050 --> 00:11:15.189
The world only sees who we are
00:11:15.369 --> 00:11:19.909
now, small, stuck, incapable.
00:11:21.099 --> 00:11:24.300
That dissonance, it eats at us.
00:11:24.300 --> 00:11:27.539
It tells us something’s wrong, but what?
00:11:28.750 --> 00:11:29.879
We search for answers,
00:11:30.209 --> 00:11:31.959
desperate to fill the void with
00:11:31.989 --> 00:11:33.689
anything that feels meaningful.
00:11:34.300 --> 00:11:36.979
We chase mysteries, distractions,
00:11:37.229 --> 00:11:40.080
relationships, experiences, anything
00:11:40.080 --> 00:11:42.169
to escape the weight of that subtle
00:11:42.360 --> 00:11:44.189
emptiness that we keep feeling.
00:11:45.099 --> 00:11:46.649
But the truth is, the
00:11:46.649 --> 00:11:48.699
void isn't out there.
00:11:49.279 --> 00:11:50.629
It’s inside us.
00:11:52.239 --> 00:11:54.050
Maybe that’s the cruel beauty of
00:11:54.050 --> 00:11:56.290
it, that the void isn't a problem
00:11:56.290 --> 00:11:58.260
to solve or a hole to fill.
00:11:58.280 --> 00:12:01.960
It’s a reminder, a reminder
00:12:02.250 --> 00:12:04.519
that we're unfinished, that
00:12:04.530 --> 00:12:06.380
life itself is unfinished.
00:12:06.620 --> 00:12:08.810
We aren't meant to be complete.
00:12:09.289 --> 00:12:13.099
We're meant to seek, to question, to move
00:12:13.109 --> 00:12:15.499
forward even when there aren't answers.
00:12:16.250 --> 00:12:18.600
The void is what drives us.
00:12:19.049 --> 00:12:20.870
It’s the space between who we
00:12:20.870 --> 00:12:23.960
are and who we could be, and
00:12:23.969 --> 00:12:25.520
maybe we’ll never reach it.
00:12:26.360 --> 00:12:28.519
But in the trying, in the searching,
00:12:29.149 --> 00:12:31.549
that’s where life happens.
00:12:36.700 --> 00:12:40.799
This is Low, Part 2, Samara.
00:12:40.799 --> 00:12:40.819
ZACHARIAH: The
00:12:48.599 --> 00:12:50.459
first drug besides pot that I
00:12:50.459 --> 00:12:51.659
saw them bring over were these
00:12:51.660 --> 00:12:53.329
little pieces of colorful paper.
00:12:54.109 --> 00:12:55.469
The paper was so small.
00:12:55.820 --> 00:12:57.690
It was like the size of a little button.
00:12:59.000 --> 00:13:00.639
They were cutting it so carefully
00:13:00.900 --> 00:13:02.219
with gloves and scissors.
00:13:02.959 --> 00:13:04.360
I couldn't believe that such a tiny
00:13:04.360 --> 00:13:06.889
piece of paper was a drug, but it was.
00:13:06.889 --> 00:13:10.839
It was acid, LSD, and they gave me
00:13:10.839 --> 00:13:12.419
a tiny piece and told me to eat it.
00:13:13.639 --> 00:13:14.619
JACK: What did it taste like?
00:13:15.729 --> 00:13:16.270
ZACHARIAH: No, it doesn't
00:13:16.270 --> 00:13:17.009
taste like anything.
00:13:17.209 --> 00:13:18.549
It’s such a small piece of paper.
00:13:18.549 --> 00:13:19.450
There’s just no flavor.
00:13:21.079 --> 00:13:22.759
You just wait for thirty minutes,
00:13:22.999 --> 00:13:25.359
then it starts to kick in.
00:13:26.559 --> 00:13:26.579
It
00:13:28.729 --> 00:13:29.569
was amazing.
00:13:31.089 --> 00:13:32.799
It felt way different than pot.
00:13:33.790 --> 00:13:35.179
Everything was funny looking.
00:13:35.959 --> 00:13:38.819
Reality was distorted and twisted.
00:13:39.569 --> 00:13:40.909
It’s like I could see into a different
00:13:40.909 --> 00:13:43.149
dimension, and I noticed all this
00:13:43.149 --> 00:13:44.709
stuff that I never noticed before,
00:13:44.709 --> 00:13:47.550
like the way my hand moved or the way
00:13:47.550 --> 00:13:49.459
people’s jaws moved when they talk.
00:13:50.159 --> 00:13:51.879
This kind of stuff was so fascinating,
00:13:51.879 --> 00:13:53.119
as if I’ve never seen my hand
00:13:53.119 --> 00:13:55.709
before, and it lasted for days.
00:13:56.949 --> 00:13:57.570
JACK: Where were these
00:13:57.570 --> 00:13:58.700
kids getting this stuff?
00:13:59.979 --> 00:14:00.879
ZACHARIAH: Oh, one of them worked
00:14:00.879 --> 00:14:02.749
for a drug dealer as a delivery boy.
00:14:03.379 --> 00:14:04.990
The drug dealer would give this boy
00:14:04.990 --> 00:14:06.559
drugs, and he was supposed to take
00:14:06.559 --> 00:14:08.050
it to the buyer and collect the money
00:14:08.459 --> 00:14:09.880
and give him the drugs and then bring
00:14:09.880 --> 00:14:11.059
the money back to the drug dealer.
00:14:11.319 --> 00:14:12.519
The drug dealer would give them some
00:14:12.520 --> 00:14:14.099
money or drugs for doing the work.
00:14:15.330 --> 00:14:15.870
JACK: Okay.
00:14:15.889 --> 00:14:17.150
So, you said this part
00:14:17.150 --> 00:14:18.219
of your life was great.
00:14:19.470 --> 00:14:21.290
How does it all start going bad?
00:14:22.839 --> 00:14:23.354
ZACHARIAH: It was the meth
00:14:23.354 --> 00:14:24.560
that fucked everything up.
00:14:24.769 --> 00:14:25.590
These boys started getting
00:14:25.590 --> 00:14:27.599
meth and taking that.
00:14:27.599 --> 00:14:29.080
When someone becomes a junkie on
00:14:29.089 --> 00:14:31.469
meth, it’s all they think about.
00:14:32.089 --> 00:14:34.149
They’ll do anything for one more hit.
00:14:35.479 --> 00:14:36.389
JACK: Did you try meth?
00:14:37.769 --> 00:14:39.200
ZACHARIAH: Not on purpose.
00:14:39.720 --> 00:14:40.749
I didn't want to.
00:14:41.279 --> 00:14:43.540
I was happy smoking pot, but then someone
00:14:43.540 --> 00:14:46.839
told me they put meth in the pot I smoked.
00:14:48.319 --> 00:14:50.630
That was the first time I had it.
00:14:51.330 --> 00:14:52.350
I didn't have a choice.
00:14:52.690 --> 00:14:53.930
It was too late after smoking
00:14:53.930 --> 00:14:54.819
the pot laced with it.
00:14:54.820 --> 00:14:57.350
JACK: Shit, that’s fucked up.
00:14:58.830 --> 00:14:59.220
ZACHARIAH: Yeah.
00:14:59.620 --> 00:15:01.130
For the next twelve hours
00:15:01.309 --> 00:15:02.610
it felt fucking great.
00:15:02.610 --> 00:15:04.250
I had so much energy.
00:15:04.540 --> 00:15:06.340
I was full of ideas and ambition.
00:15:06.770 --> 00:15:07.910
My body felt great.
00:15:08.379 --> 00:15:09.629
That’s the strange thing about meth;
00:15:09.900 --> 00:15:11.360
it’s like it rewires your brain.
00:15:11.719 --> 00:15:13.550
It tells you that your body needs
00:15:13.550 --> 00:15:15.219
it and you can't live without it.
00:15:15.799 --> 00:15:17.240
You crave it fiercely.
00:15:17.660 --> 00:15:18.519
After that, the urge
00:15:18.539 --> 00:15:19.770
was just uncontrollable.
00:15:19.849 --> 00:15:21.580
I had to have it again, or it
00:15:21.580 --> 00:15:22.949
felt like I was going to be sick.
00:15:23.459 --> 00:15:25.009
So, this time I smoked it from a
00:15:25.009 --> 00:15:27.020
tinfoil pipe, which I tell you is the
00:15:27.029 --> 00:15:28.869
worst fucking way to smoke it, because
00:15:28.889 --> 00:15:30.459
as you smoke it, you feel great,
00:15:30.459 --> 00:15:31.890
and so, you want to keep smoking it.
00:15:32.059 --> 00:15:33.599
But by the end, all the meth is
00:15:33.599 --> 00:15:35.229
gone and you're just smoking the
00:15:35.230 --> 00:15:36.890
tinfoil itself, and that shit is so
00:15:36.890 --> 00:15:39.390
toxic and gross and hurts to inhale,
00:15:39.599 --> 00:15:40.789
but you do it anyway because your
00:15:40.789 --> 00:15:42.640
body wants every last bit of meth.
00:15:43.119 --> 00:15:44.649
You're desperate, but the
00:15:44.649 --> 00:15:46.089
high is crazy addicting.
00:15:46.680 --> 00:15:47.989
You feel so turned on
00:15:47.989 --> 00:15:48.989
and ready for anything.
00:15:49.750 --> 00:15:50.950
You might not sleep for days
00:15:50.950 --> 00:15:52.430
because everything was wonderful.
00:15:53.239 --> 00:15:55.990
When it wears off, it’s an awful low.
00:15:56.659 --> 00:15:58.379
Your brain is desperate to get
00:15:58.400 --> 00:15:59.950
back to that state, and you'll
00:15:59.950 --> 00:16:01.610
do anything for another hit.
00:16:02.180 --> 00:16:03.099
Fuck, just thinking about
00:16:03.099 --> 00:16:04.419
this again makes me crave it.
00:16:04.799 --> 00:16:06.069
My hand is trembling right now.
00:16:07.180 --> 00:16:07.820
JACK: Really.
00:16:09.309 --> 00:16:10.759
ZACHARIAH: Fuck, the other boys were
00:16:10.759 --> 00:16:12.189
doing this shit all the time, though.
00:16:13.360 --> 00:16:14.569
I would watch them and see their
00:16:14.569 --> 00:16:16.619
lives get ruined right in front of me.
00:16:17.040 --> 00:16:18.969
Some kids left perfectly good homes and
00:16:18.970 --> 00:16:21.189
ran away just to smoke meth all the time.
00:16:21.750 --> 00:16:23.130
They'd run out of money and sell
00:16:23.169 --> 00:16:24.739
anything they could to get another hit.
00:16:25.689 --> 00:16:26.829
When they'd run out of stuff,
00:16:26.829 --> 00:16:28.370
they'd start robbing and stealing.
00:16:29.019 --> 00:16:31.319
They became fucking zombies and
00:16:31.329 --> 00:16:33.329
completely lost control of themselves.
00:16:34.069 --> 00:16:35.170
They'd tell me about these lives that
00:16:35.170 --> 00:16:37.519
they ran away from, with two loving
00:16:37.519 --> 00:16:39.679
parents, a nice apartment, a summer
00:16:39.680 --> 00:16:41.989
cabin somewhere, and I couldn't believe
00:16:41.989 --> 00:16:43.909
they would leave all that behind and
00:16:43.909 --> 00:16:45.524
just go ruin their life with meth.
00:16:45.524 --> 00:16:47.419
I had to be real careful with
00:16:47.419 --> 00:16:48.839
my shit since people would
00:16:48.839 --> 00:16:49.969
steal anything, you know?
00:16:49.969 --> 00:16:51.689
But I would hide my stuff,
00:16:51.969 --> 00:16:53.140
but it would still get stolen.
00:16:53.719 --> 00:16:55.739
When I went to sleep I would take my
00:16:55.739 --> 00:16:57.839
watch off and put it down my underwear
00:16:57.839 --> 00:16:59.549
so nobody would grab it during the night.
00:17:00.319 --> 00:17:01.879
I saw one guy so desperate for
00:17:01.879 --> 00:17:03.680
money to buy meth, he was on the
00:17:03.680 --> 00:17:05.599
street one day, and he stabbed
00:17:05.619 --> 00:17:08.069
someone to steal their shoes so
00:17:08.069 --> 00:17:09.249
that he could sell that for drugs.
00:17:09.249 --> 00:17:10.290
It was fucking awful.
00:17:11.309 --> 00:17:12.319
But then someone told me one
00:17:12.319 --> 00:17:14.100
of the guys I knew overdosed on
00:17:14.110 --> 00:17:16.170
meth and died, and that’s when I
00:17:16.190 --> 00:17:18.079
decided never to do meth again.
00:17:18.639 --> 00:17:19.789
It wasn't worth it.
00:17:20.860 --> 00:17:21.829
But it was too late.
00:17:22.519 --> 00:17:24.079
The addiction had its grip on me.
00:17:24.720 --> 00:17:25.929
All I could think about
00:17:25.929 --> 00:17:27.519
was how bad I wanted it.
00:17:27.800 --> 00:17:28.969
It controlled me.
00:17:29.729 --> 00:17:30.929
I couldn't fight it.
00:17:31.339 --> 00:17:33.049
All I wanted was more meth.
00:17:33.049 --> 00:17:34.079
I craved it.
00:17:34.809 --> 00:17:35.950
It’s like I was sick,
00:17:36.330 --> 00:17:37.640
and the cure was meth.
00:17:38.349 --> 00:17:39.799
That’s how it felt, and you've
00:17:39.819 --> 00:17:41.109
probably been sick before, and you
00:17:41.119 --> 00:17:42.809
know how desperate you can get when
00:17:42.809 --> 00:17:44.469
you just really want to feel better.
00:17:44.910 --> 00:17:46.569
You start getting sick of being
00:17:46.569 --> 00:17:48.780
sick, and you know what will make
00:17:48.780 --> 00:17:50.130
you feel better, and it’s meth.
00:17:50.850 --> 00:17:51.919
So, you start trying to
00:17:51.920 --> 00:17:53.130
do anything to get it.
00:17:53.610 --> 00:17:55.629
I somehow was smart enough to beg
00:17:55.630 --> 00:17:57.280
my friend to help me get off it,
00:17:57.280 --> 00:17:59.369
and for some reason these friends of
00:17:59.370 --> 00:18:01.120
mine knew a lot about medical stuff.
00:18:01.389 --> 00:18:02.989
They knew what drugs not to mix
00:18:03.000 --> 00:18:04.230
and how to counteract illness.
00:18:04.750 --> 00:18:06.460
So, one of my friends took me seriously
00:18:06.830 --> 00:18:08.279
and kept people out of the apartment
00:18:08.279 --> 00:18:09.739
for a while and watched after me.
00:18:10.439 --> 00:18:11.389
I started going through some
00:18:11.389 --> 00:18:12.419
serious withdrawals, though.
00:18:12.419 --> 00:18:14.989
I was begging him to let me
00:18:14.990 --> 00:18:17.090
out so I could get another hit.
00:18:17.629 --> 00:18:19.169
But he knew not to let me go,
00:18:19.469 --> 00:18:20.639
and strapped me down on the
00:18:20.639 --> 00:18:22.230
fucking bed to keep me there.
00:18:22.230 --> 00:18:23.659
It was fucking awful.
00:18:23.829 --> 00:18:26.069
I was screaming so loud to let me out.
00:18:26.739 --> 00:18:28.159
I heard pounding on the walls.
00:18:28.329 --> 00:18:29.229
I thought someone was gonna
00:18:29.239 --> 00:18:30.449
break down my fucking door.
00:18:30.610 --> 00:18:32.080
I learned it was my neighbors, and
00:18:32.080 --> 00:18:32.970
they heard the screams, and they
00:18:32.970 --> 00:18:34.190
were asking if everything was okay.
00:18:34.309 --> 00:18:35.499
I don't know how he convinced them
00:18:35.500 --> 00:18:37.300
it’s fine, but he kept them out.
00:18:37.959 --> 00:18:39.209
God, the agony of going
00:18:39.209 --> 00:18:40.639
through withdrawals is torture.
00:18:40.649 --> 00:18:42.489
The body aches, depression,
00:18:42.750 --> 00:18:44.589
sweating, chills, paranoia.
00:18:44.889 --> 00:18:45.959
You can't think straight.
00:18:46.529 --> 00:18:48.109
I’d rather be stabbed every
00:18:48.109 --> 00:18:49.660
day than go through that again.
00:18:51.500 --> 00:18:52.589
But I made it through.
00:18:53.760 --> 00:18:55.099
It really does rewire your
00:18:55.110 --> 00:18:57.100
brain to make you think you’re
00:18:57.110 --> 00:18:58.499
gonna die if you don't get it.
00:18:59.260 --> 00:19:00.539
Every part of you is screaming
00:19:00.540 --> 00:19:02.869
inside to get it like it’s oxygen.
00:19:03.400 --> 00:19:05.400
You have no control of yourself.
00:19:06.470 --> 00:19:08.029
It’s just awful.
00:19:08.869 --> 00:19:10.069
I managed to make it through,
00:19:10.070 --> 00:19:11.169
though, with the help of my
00:19:11.169 --> 00:19:14.380
friends, and I never did meth again.
00:19:17.559 --> 00:19:18.909
JACK: Jesus, dude.
00:19:19.570 --> 00:19:20.520
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, I was really lucky
00:19:20.520 --> 00:19:21.919
to get through it, but that shit
00:19:21.930 --> 00:19:23.519
gave me a new look at life, you know?
00:19:23.519 --> 00:19:25.779
[Music] Fucking — when you get to
00:19:25.779 --> 00:19:27.350
the bottom like that and you come
00:19:27.350 --> 00:19:30.109
back, shit’s not the same anymore.
00:19:30.680 --> 00:19:32.619
It hardens you up in some way.
00:19:33.299 --> 00:19:34.549
To see people I know losing
00:19:34.549 --> 00:19:36.319
their mind dying over this shit,
00:19:36.970 --> 00:19:38.660
you take life more seriously.
00:19:39.159 --> 00:19:40.859
Yeah, it’s like this shit could
00:19:40.860 --> 00:19:42.759
have killed me, but it didn't.
00:19:43.349 --> 00:19:46.179
Now every second that I’m alive, it
00:19:46.229 --> 00:19:48.299
feels like borrowed time, you know?
00:19:48.750 --> 00:19:50.589
I’m not saying it gave my life meaning or
00:19:50.610 --> 00:19:52.899
some clear understanding, but it certainly
00:19:52.899 --> 00:19:55.239
made me wake up to how fragile life is.
00:19:55.919 --> 00:19:59.290
I don't know, it gave me vitality.
00:20:00.009 --> 00:20:00.879
JACK: Explain.
00:20:01.580 --> 00:20:02.259
ZACHARIAH: Like, getting in
00:20:02.259 --> 00:20:03.409
fights like I was saying, right?
00:20:03.759 --> 00:20:05.140
It was funner now because
00:20:05.250 --> 00:20:06.130
I didn't give a shit.
00:20:06.339 --> 00:20:08.009
The other person cherishes their health
00:20:08.009 --> 00:20:10.159
or happiness or whatever, and we get
00:20:10.160 --> 00:20:11.710
upset if their life got fucked up.
00:20:11.720 --> 00:20:13.520
But I didn't care about that.
00:20:13.660 --> 00:20:15.169
My life was already fucked up.
00:20:15.199 --> 00:20:16.339
It couldn't get any worse.
00:20:16.809 --> 00:20:19.020
The pain of getting punched was a
00:20:19.020 --> 00:20:21.519
reminder that I’m on borrowed time.
00:20:22.220 --> 00:20:23.970
Yeah, I’m still alive.
00:20:24.539 --> 00:20:26.649
It just gave me some weird high.
00:20:27.250 --> 00:20:28.469
Keep in mind, I was just a scrawny
00:20:28.470 --> 00:20:30.609
twelve-year-old at that time, but if
00:20:30.610 --> 00:20:32.869
you punched me then, I’d just cackle
00:20:32.889 --> 00:20:34.879
back at you, which pissed people off
00:20:34.879 --> 00:20:36.990
even more, because it made me feel
00:20:36.990 --> 00:20:38.909
alive more than anything at the time.
00:20:39.720 --> 00:20:42.049
With life feeling so bleak most of the
00:20:42.050 --> 00:20:45.419
time, it actually felt good to feel alive.
00:20:46.250 --> 00:20:48.169
JACK: Did you ever think to yourself
00:20:50.350 --> 00:20:52.250
that maybe you can — maybe there’s a
00:20:52.250 --> 00:20:54.000
better life for you out there somewhere?
00:20:55.349 --> 00:20:56.449
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, sometimes when I’d lay
00:20:56.450 --> 00:20:58.659
down and go to sleep, I’d sometimes say,
00:20:59.360 --> 00:21:01.330
fuck, what even is this life, you know?
00:21:02.529 --> 00:21:04.360
I’d start thinking of a better life.
00:21:06.309 --> 00:21:08.320
I remember once I was trying to
00:21:08.320 --> 00:21:11.790
sleep, but I sat up in bed, and I
00:21:11.840 --> 00:21:13.319
actually did want a better life.
00:21:13.439 --> 00:21:15.250
I started to think, okay, what
00:21:15.250 --> 00:21:16.750
are all the things I’m good at?
00:21:17.320 --> 00:21:18.000
I was trying to think of
00:21:18.009 --> 00:21:19.210
all the stuff I can do.
00:21:20.049 --> 00:21:22.329
So, I thought, okay, I’m good at
00:21:22.329 --> 00:21:26.269
fighting and I’m good at drugs,
00:21:27.939 --> 00:21:29.559
and I couldn't think what else.
00:21:30.750 --> 00:21:32.610
So, I couldn't figure out how
00:21:32.610 --> 00:21:34.120
to put this to use, you know?
00:21:34.700 --> 00:21:36.489
I actually felt like I was right where
00:21:36.489 --> 00:21:38.649
I should be, since that’s what I was
00:21:38.649 --> 00:21:40.670
good at and I was doing it already.
00:21:41.520 --> 00:21:42.770
JACK: What kind of shit were you seeing
00:21:42.770 --> 00:21:44.309
the people around you doing at the time?
00:21:45.180 --> 00:21:46.770
You said people were doing drugs, but
00:21:46.799 --> 00:21:49.160
did you see violence or other crime?
00:21:49.599 --> 00:21:50.070
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, there
00:21:50.070 --> 00:21:50.979
was always violence.
00:21:51.189 --> 00:21:53.090
Every week someone would get shot
00:21:53.090 --> 00:21:54.960
or stabbed in this neighborhood, and
00:21:54.960 --> 00:21:56.269
you'd hear shit like, oh, remember
00:21:56.269 --> 00:21:57.990
that guy who sold us drugs last week?
00:21:58.220 --> 00:21:59.469
Yeah, he died yesterday.
00:22:00.610 --> 00:22:01.939
JACK: Dude, this is the worst
00:22:01.949 --> 00:22:04.639
scenario for a kid to grow up in.
00:22:04.639 --> 00:22:05.760
You know that, right?
00:22:06.419 --> 00:22:07.370
ZACHARIAH: Like, I didn't really
00:22:07.370 --> 00:22:09.580
understand it was that bad because
00:22:10.040 --> 00:22:11.309
I didn't really know better.
00:22:11.309 --> 00:22:12.649
I didn't know there was another life,
00:22:12.689 --> 00:22:14.530
and it’s not like I had a choice, either.
00:22:14.879 --> 00:22:16.520
Seriously, I thought everyone just had
00:22:16.520 --> 00:22:18.229
a lot of struggles and pain, because
00:22:18.519 --> 00:22:20.529
that’s all I ever saw around me.
00:22:20.919 --> 00:22:22.080
So, I didn't even know I had a choice.
00:22:22.080 --> 00:22:24.110
I just thought that’s what life is like.
00:22:24.320 --> 00:22:25.239
Just deal with it.
00:22:26.290 --> 00:22:27.759
I didn't ever think about changing
00:22:27.759 --> 00:22:30.559
because this is how life is.
00:22:33.969 --> 00:22:35.309
JACK: [Music] I’ve been in
00:22:35.309 --> 00:22:37.179
situations myself where I felt
00:22:37.180 --> 00:22:39.339
like I had no choice, too.
00:22:40.239 --> 00:22:42.629
But I’ve learned that’s a really bad
00:22:42.629 --> 00:22:45.059
spot to be in, because when I look back
00:22:45.059 --> 00:22:47.629
at that time, that’s the time where I
00:22:47.629 --> 00:22:50.190
feel like I squandered my life the most.
00:22:51.009 --> 00:22:52.109
When I was in my twenties
00:22:52.129 --> 00:22:53.489
I moved to a new city.
00:22:53.509 --> 00:22:54.539
I needed a job.
00:22:54.690 --> 00:22:55.619
No problem, I thought.
00:22:55.619 --> 00:22:57.359
I have a degree in computer engineering.
00:22:57.569 --> 00:22:58.670
This can't be too hard.
00:22:59.190 --> 00:23:00.070
But it was hard.
00:23:00.190 --> 00:23:02.050
I applied at dozens of places
00:23:02.080 --> 00:23:04.889
a day, and I got no call backs.
00:23:05.309 --> 00:23:06.419
I got a recruiter to help me.
00:23:06.449 --> 00:23:07.970
They couldn't find me a job, either.
00:23:08.349 --> 00:23:10.269
I decided to apply for things
00:23:10.709 --> 00:23:11.959
that I didn't really want
00:23:11.959 --> 00:23:13.819
to do, but I was desperate.
00:23:14.399 --> 00:23:16.069
I really needed to make some money.
00:23:16.769 --> 00:23:19.199
Eventually a pharmacy offered me
00:23:19.199 --> 00:23:21.350
a job as a pharmacy technician.
00:23:21.860 --> 00:23:23.469
I didn't know the first thing about
00:23:23.470 --> 00:23:25.809
doing that, but they told me my
00:23:25.809 --> 00:23:27.650
typing skills would come in handy.
00:23:28.039 --> 00:23:30.219
I said to myself, well, it’s not
00:23:30.229 --> 00:23:32.480
like I have any other choice here.
00:23:32.879 --> 00:23:34.429
No one else is hiring
00:23:34.429 --> 00:23:36.259
me, and I’m desperate.
00:23:36.899 --> 00:23:38.259
So, I took the job.
00:23:39.089 --> 00:23:40.419
After a few weeks of getting
00:23:40.419 --> 00:23:42.260
familiar with things, I was starting
00:23:42.260 --> 00:23:43.619
to feel pretty good at my job.
00:23:43.629 --> 00:23:46.290
At some point I decided I wanted
00:23:46.290 --> 00:23:48.340
to be the best pharmacy technician
00:23:48.340 --> 00:23:50.510
that that company has ever seen.
00:23:50.750 --> 00:23:53.229
I wanted to do the work of three people.
00:23:53.389 --> 00:23:55.890
I wanted to outperform the top performers.
00:23:56.219 --> 00:23:57.469
I was the only would who would
00:23:57.469 --> 00:23:59.860
study and practice at home to
00:23:59.860 --> 00:24:01.839
be better at doing my work.
00:24:02.109 --> 00:24:03.449
Most people just clock out at the end
00:24:03.449 --> 00:24:04.689
of the day and not think about work
00:24:04.689 --> 00:24:06.129
until they clock back in the next day.
00:24:06.379 --> 00:24:07.049
But guess what?
00:24:07.320 --> 00:24:08.899
After a ton of practice and
00:24:08.900 --> 00:24:11.980
dedication, I became the best.
00:24:12.299 --> 00:24:13.859
I did everything that everyone
00:24:13.859 --> 00:24:15.830
was doing, but way more.
00:24:16.099 --> 00:24:18.180
I was so damn good at being a pharmacy
00:24:18.180 --> 00:24:20.190
technician that my boss thought I was
00:24:20.190 --> 00:24:22.479
cheating just to make my output look
00:24:22.500 --> 00:24:23.990
better than what I was actually doing.
00:24:24.360 --> 00:24:26.669
I was getting raises and my team loved me.
00:24:27.099 --> 00:24:28.959
I was crushing it.
00:24:29.520 --> 00:24:31.550
But here’s the thing; when I
00:24:31.559 --> 00:24:32.869
look back at that time in my
00:24:32.869 --> 00:24:35.609
life, I wasn't crushing it.
00:24:36.039 --> 00:24:38.140
It was crushing me.
00:24:38.939 --> 00:24:41.039
I don't love pharmacies.
00:24:41.059 --> 00:24:43.299
I never cared for them.
00:24:43.570 --> 00:24:46.099
I love technology and computers and
00:24:46.099 --> 00:24:48.210
programming and hacking and creating and
00:24:48.210 --> 00:24:50.800
building and electronics, not medicine.
00:24:51.040 --> 00:24:52.740
I never, ever dreamed about
00:24:52.740 --> 00:24:54.619
being great at medicine.
00:24:55.330 --> 00:24:57.560
But because I felt like I had no other
00:24:57.560 --> 00:25:00.109
choice, it made me think that maybe I
00:25:00.150 --> 00:25:03.109
should be great at medicine and become
00:25:03.169 --> 00:25:06.040
a great pharmacy technician, when in
00:25:06.040 --> 00:25:08.850
reality that’s really the last thing I
00:25:08.869 --> 00:25:10.379
should have been spending my life doing.
00:25:11.159 --> 00:25:13.769
I put so much extra effort into being
00:25:13.769 --> 00:25:16.319
great at it, but I wish I would have
00:25:16.320 --> 00:25:18.299
spent that time and effort doing
00:25:18.299 --> 00:25:20.970
something I loved, getting better
00:25:21.070 --> 00:25:23.019
at something I want to get great at,
00:25:23.519 --> 00:25:25.729
and making my life more meaningful.
00:25:26.009 --> 00:25:27.929
Jean-Paul Sartre talked about this, and
00:25:27.930 --> 00:25:31.089
he called this bad faith, that feeling
00:25:31.089 --> 00:25:33.629
that you have no choice and you're not
00:25:33.629 --> 00:25:35.050
out there trying to go after what you
00:25:35.050 --> 00:25:37.089
want in life; instead you're acting more
00:25:37.089 --> 00:25:39.729
like a person who’s accepting or not
00:25:39.729 --> 00:25:42.029
accepting what life is throwing at them.
00:25:42.570 --> 00:25:45.089
Even though you have freedom, you lie
00:25:45.089 --> 00:25:47.269
to yourself to escape that burden.
00:25:47.729 --> 00:25:49.929
You deceive yourself to relieve
00:25:49.930 --> 00:25:52.679
yourself of the anxiety of choice.
00:25:53.520 --> 00:25:55.970
So, every time I hear Zachariah say he had
00:25:55.979 --> 00:25:59.280
no choice, I just feel like he hasn't yet
00:25:59.280 --> 00:26:01.470
found what he really wants to do in life
00:26:02.160 --> 00:26:05.149
and keeps getting trapped in his own mind.
00:26:09.479 --> 00:26:10.339
ZACHARIAH: The thing that freaked me out
00:26:10.339 --> 00:26:12.749
the most was I was standing around with
00:26:12.750 --> 00:26:16.189
my friends in some plaza, and a guy got
00:26:16.190 --> 00:26:18.769
jumped and stabbed and robbed, and he fell
00:26:18.769 --> 00:26:21.000
to the ground and the person ran away.
00:26:21.709 --> 00:26:22.919
Now, I’ve seen people get stabbed
00:26:22.929 --> 00:26:26.300
before, but what shocked me was just how
00:26:26.360 --> 00:26:29.279
everyone around him just ignored him.
00:26:30.050 --> 00:26:32.249
They were stepping over him and walking
00:26:32.250 --> 00:26:34.509
around him as if he wasn't even there.
00:26:35.099 --> 00:26:36.629
This guy was on the ground
00:26:36.639 --> 00:26:38.839
screaming in pain, and everyone’s
00:26:38.889 --> 00:26:40.479
acting like he doesn't exist.
00:26:41.389 --> 00:26:43.190
The way we treat other people’s
00:26:43.190 --> 00:26:45.600
lives is so heartbreaking.
00:26:46.320 --> 00:26:49.149
Like, people just don't value life at all.
00:26:49.510 --> 00:26:50.970
They're too busy trying to get
00:26:50.970 --> 00:26:52.650
somewhere or too focused on other
00:26:52.650 --> 00:26:54.270
stuff to even notice someone
00:26:54.280 --> 00:26:56.230
dying right in front of them.
00:26:57.599 --> 00:26:59.609
JACK: My god, seeing that as a
00:26:59.609 --> 00:27:01.569
twelve-year-old must have messed you up.
00:27:01.939 --> 00:27:03.729
It’s like you're living in a war zone
00:27:03.730 --> 00:27:05.790
and you can get PTSD from all this.
00:27:06.219 --> 00:27:06.489
ZACHARIAH: People would
00:27:06.500 --> 00:27:07.439
do anything for money.
00:27:08.510 --> 00:27:10.950
I had another friend who was twelve, and
00:27:10.990 --> 00:27:13.270
he showed me where you can go, and for
00:27:13.270 --> 00:27:15.089
fifteen dollars you could get a hooker.
00:27:15.919 --> 00:27:16.729
It was crazy.
00:27:18.860 --> 00:27:20.510
But crime didn't seem like
00:27:20.510 --> 00:27:21.699
crime to me back then.
00:27:22.110 --> 00:27:23.750
Crime was just what you did to live,
00:27:23.950 --> 00:27:25.539
because everyone was a criminal.
00:27:25.549 --> 00:27:26.910
I just saw it everywhere.
00:27:27.209 --> 00:27:28.999
It wasn't about being bad or good.
00:27:29.000 --> 00:27:30.299
It was about surviving.
00:27:30.529 --> 00:27:32.719
The world doesn't hand you much, so you
00:27:32.719 --> 00:27:35.070
gotta take what you can when you can.
00:27:35.129 --> 00:27:36.249
If you don't, someone
00:27:36.250 --> 00:27:37.279
else is gonna take that.
00:27:37.949 --> 00:27:38.869
That’s the thing nobody talks
00:27:38.869 --> 00:27:40.849
about; crime doesn't feel like crime
00:27:41.169 --> 00:27:42.670
when it’s the only way forward.
00:27:42.899 --> 00:27:45.620
When you're hungry or broke or stuck and
00:27:45.620 --> 00:27:47.009
your only opportunity is staring you in
00:27:47.010 --> 00:27:50.110
the face have sharp edges, you don't stop
00:27:50.110 --> 00:27:51.589
to think about what’s right or wrong.
00:27:52.019 --> 00:27:53.139
You just think about making
00:27:53.139 --> 00:27:54.259
it through another day.
00:27:54.959 --> 00:27:56.870
Everyone was cutting corners,
00:27:56.959 --> 00:27:58.899
bending rules, breaking something.
00:27:59.180 --> 00:28:01.369
If you didn't do it, you were a fool.
00:28:01.820 --> 00:28:03.069
You were the one who got left
00:28:03.070 --> 00:28:04.539
behind, stuck with nothing
00:28:04.540 --> 00:28:05.689
while everyone else carved out
00:28:05.689 --> 00:28:06.839
their little piece of the world.
00:28:07.299 --> 00:28:08.759
It wasn’t just us, too.
00:28:08.759 --> 00:28:10.539
[Music] I remember the chief of police
00:28:10.540 --> 00:28:12.509
got in trouble for raping some lady.
00:28:12.729 --> 00:28:13.840
Like, they can't even find a
00:28:13.840 --> 00:28:15.549
decent police officer, you know?
00:28:16.529 --> 00:28:17.269
I don't think the rules are
00:28:17.290 --> 00:28:18.369
written for people like me,
00:28:29.949 --> 00:28:29.999
anyway.
00:28:37.309 --> 00:28:40.729
JACK: Your life is crazy, so crazy that
00:28:40.729 --> 00:28:42.760
I even hate to ask what happens next.
00:28:43.259 --> 00:28:45.290
Like, you've already killed someone,
00:28:45.299 --> 00:28:47.439
you became a street kid, you got into
00:28:47.439 --> 00:28:49.239
a lot of fights and did a lot of drugs.
00:28:49.549 --> 00:28:50.059
Is this…?
00:28:50.330 --> 00:28:50.909
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, well, I’ll
00:28:50.910 --> 00:28:51.999
tell you what I did next.
00:28:52.129 --> 00:28:54.009
Drugs became a bigger part of my life.
00:28:54.440 --> 00:28:55.730
That teenager who was a runner
00:28:55.730 --> 00:28:57.269
for that drug dealer asked me to
00:28:57.270 --> 00:28:59.039
come along to deliver some drugs,
00:28:59.039 --> 00:29:00.719
and I had nothing else to do, so I
00:29:00.720 --> 00:29:02.149
was like, alright, I’ll go along.
00:29:03.669 --> 00:29:05.619
[Music] He taught me the terminology
00:29:05.800 --> 00:29:06.919
and what the different drugs looked
00:29:06.919 --> 00:29:09.139
like and how to weigh them, and
00:29:09.139 --> 00:29:10.699
different routes through neighborhoods.
00:29:11.259 --> 00:29:12.769
I was already smart about drugs, but
00:29:12.779 --> 00:29:14.870
he was helping me get way smarter.
00:29:15.669 --> 00:29:17.409
He taught me a lot, and this also
00:29:17.410 --> 00:29:18.759
meant I would see that drug dealer
00:29:18.759 --> 00:29:20.190
that he was working with sometimes.
00:29:20.610 --> 00:29:21.809
So, after going over there enough
00:29:21.809 --> 00:29:24.039
times, the drug dealer asked me to
00:29:24.039 --> 00:29:26.310
take some packages somewhere, so I did,
00:29:26.779 --> 00:29:28.289
and I started earning money this way.
00:29:28.940 --> 00:29:30.729
But I also knew the drug scene pretty well
00:29:30.729 --> 00:29:32.290
and would try to impress the drug dealer
00:29:32.290 --> 00:29:33.910
with what I knew, and he gave me some
00:29:33.910 --> 00:29:35.599
pot to take to someone, and I’d collect
00:29:35.599 --> 00:29:36.879
the money and bring it back to him.
00:29:37.349 --> 00:29:39.009
I felt lucky to have this opportunity
00:29:39.269 --> 00:29:40.870
and really wanted to be good at this.
00:29:41.280 --> 00:29:42.380
So, I would try to do everything
00:29:42.380 --> 00:29:43.980
right around him, making sure
00:29:43.980 --> 00:29:45.450
to be on time and helpful.
00:29:46.030 --> 00:29:47.409
Both him and his customers liked me,
00:29:47.410 --> 00:29:49.089
you know, and I liked that, so I got
00:29:49.090 --> 00:29:50.900
more jobs running drugs around town.
00:29:50.900 --> 00:29:51.649
It felt great.
00:29:52.049 --> 00:29:52.069
He
00:29:54.139 --> 00:29:55.250
started testing me with
00:29:55.250 --> 00:29:56.249
bigger deals and stuff.
00:29:56.799 --> 00:29:58.539
But I started to think, if I want
00:29:58.539 --> 00:30:00.260
to be a great drug dealer, I should
00:30:00.260 --> 00:30:01.939
probably find ways to rip people off.
00:30:01.939 --> 00:30:03.090
JACK: What do you mean?
00:30:03.629 --> 00:30:04.819
ZACHARIAH: Like, the drug dealers I knew
00:30:04.930 --> 00:30:06.919
were always up to something, sometimes
00:30:06.930 --> 00:30:08.839
selling short or giving you fake drugs.
00:30:08.840 --> 00:30:10.459
One time I bought LSD and
00:30:10.459 --> 00:30:11.429
it was just blank, you know?
00:30:11.689 --> 00:30:12.749
It didn't make me high at all.
00:30:12.809 --> 00:30:13.799
I just bought paper.
00:30:14.309 --> 00:30:15.470
So, everyone is trying
00:30:15.470 --> 00:30:16.769
to rip everyone else off.
00:30:17.219 --> 00:30:17.880
It’s just what I thought
00:30:17.889 --> 00:30:18.999
drug dealers did, you know?
00:30:19.230 --> 00:30:20.439
Fuck, there are rap songs about
00:30:20.439 --> 00:30:21.469
ripping people off, you know?
00:30:21.779 --> 00:30:22.789
It seemed like this was what
00:30:22.790 --> 00:30:24.050
you should be focusing on.
00:30:24.299 --> 00:30:25.960
Fuck, I didn't mind getting in fights.
00:30:26.169 --> 00:30:27.260
Like, I had no fear.
00:30:27.610 --> 00:30:28.969
I was on borrowed time anyway.
00:30:30.059 --> 00:30:31.019
JACK: Jeez, man.
00:30:33.029 --> 00:30:35.699
Okay, so, tell me the time when you first
00:30:35.699 --> 00:30:37.249
ripped someone off doing a drug deal.
00:30:37.249 --> 00:30:38.210
ZACHARIAH: My drug dealer
00:30:38.210 --> 00:30:39.469
gave me cocaine to deliver.
00:30:39.789 --> 00:30:42.200
I had never seen cocaine before, but
00:30:42.270 --> 00:30:43.900
they gave me three grams and told me to
00:30:43.900 --> 00:30:45.939
deliver it to these guys from Uzbekistan.
00:30:47.159 --> 00:30:49.270
Well, I took one gram for myself, and I
00:30:49.270 --> 00:30:50.949
brought the guy two grams and I tried to
00:30:50.949 --> 00:30:52.589
sell it to him as if it was three grams.
00:30:53.010 --> 00:30:54.290
He held it and looked and me and
00:30:54.290 --> 00:30:56.109
said, this is not three grams.
00:30:56.349 --> 00:30:57.369
I said, I don't give a fuck.
00:30:57.400 --> 00:30:58.030
Give me the money.
00:30:58.389 --> 00:30:59.479
Trying to act hard, you know?
00:30:59.479 --> 00:31:01.279
He had me come into his hotel room.
00:31:01.610 --> 00:31:02.939
There were hookers in there, and
00:31:02.939 --> 00:31:04.940
a scale and a mirror on the table.
00:31:05.290 --> 00:31:06.289
He put it on the scale and
00:31:06.290 --> 00:31:07.939
said, look, it’s only two grams.
00:31:08.239 --> 00:31:09.429
I said, I don't give a fuck.
00:31:09.479 --> 00:31:09.930
Pay me.
00:31:10.329 --> 00:31:11.229
He said, oh yeah?
00:31:11.589 --> 00:31:12.519
He kept saying ‘oh yeah?’
00:31:12.519 --> 00:31:13.520
over and over and over.
00:31:13.799 --> 00:31:15.259
He came at me and he pushed me
00:31:15.259 --> 00:31:16.920
against the wall, and I pulled out my
00:31:16.920 --> 00:31:18.509
taser and I jammed it into his side.
00:31:18.689 --> 00:31:20.140
He yelled, fuck you, and picked
00:31:20.140 --> 00:31:21.450
me up and threw me out the door.
00:31:21.879 --> 00:31:23.219
I tumbled down the stairs.
00:31:23.790 --> 00:31:24.899
I remember walking back all
00:31:24.909 --> 00:31:26.380
bruised up from falling down
00:31:26.380 --> 00:31:27.659
those stairs when he pushed me.
00:31:29.099 --> 00:31:30.399
JACK: Wait, so, he kept the
00:31:30.439 --> 00:31:32.109
cocaine and didn't pay you at all?
00:31:32.899 --> 00:31:33.399
ZACHARIAH: Yeah.
00:31:33.399 --> 00:31:34.169
JACK: [Music] So, what
00:31:34.169 --> 00:31:34.999
did you tell your boss?
00:31:35.430 --> 00:31:36.179
ZACHARIAH: I just paid for the
00:31:36.180 --> 00:31:37.349
three grams with my own money.
00:31:37.589 --> 00:31:38.399
I didn't want him to know
00:31:38.399 --> 00:31:39.419
I was ripping people off.
00:31:40.339 --> 00:31:41.939
But I felt like a real gangster, you know?
00:31:42.029 --> 00:31:42.839
This is what it’s like
00:31:42.849 --> 00:31:43.689
to be a drug dealer.
00:31:44.000 --> 00:31:45.519
You try making a deal and it goes
00:31:45.519 --> 00:31:47.209
bad, and you get thrown down stairs.
00:31:47.299 --> 00:31:48.269
It was all fun to me.
00:31:52.919 --> 00:31:53.059
JACK: Did
00:32:00.789 --> 00:32:01.569
it ever work?
00:32:01.569 --> 00:32:02.950
Like, were you — did you — were
00:32:02.950 --> 00:32:04.239
you able to rip off anyone?
00:32:04.690 --> 00:32:05.889
ZACHARIAH: Oh yeah, yeah.
00:32:05.889 --> 00:32:07.249
There were so many junkies I was
00:32:07.259 --> 00:32:08.640
selling to, and they didn't care
00:32:08.899 --> 00:32:10.709
what they were buying or how much.
00:32:11.080 --> 00:32:12.749
If they had any money and got any
00:32:12.750 --> 00:32:14.219
drugs from me, they were happy,
00:32:14.559 --> 00:32:15.839
and I learned how to read them.
00:32:16.089 --> 00:32:17.549
Sometimes I even hung around
00:32:17.550 --> 00:32:18.629
to watch them get high.
00:32:19.589 --> 00:32:21.559
One guy passed out, and I ended up eating
00:32:21.559 --> 00:32:23.149
some food out of his refrigerator and
00:32:23.149 --> 00:32:24.719
just watched him trip out for a while.
00:32:25.199 --> 00:32:26.850
I remember watching another guy put
00:32:26.850 --> 00:32:28.529
his hands on the wall, and he was just
00:32:28.580 --> 00:32:30.599
looking and listening to the wall as if
00:32:30.599 --> 00:32:32.369
it was the strangest thing he’d ever seen.
00:32:33.019 --> 00:32:34.049
It was weird as shit.
00:32:34.389 --> 00:32:35.799
I was sitting there in total silence
00:32:35.809 --> 00:32:37.399
watching some guy with his ears on the
00:32:37.399 --> 00:32:39.820
wall and sometimes just staring at it.
00:32:40.360 --> 00:32:41.720
I don't think he knew I was even there.
00:32:41.970 --> 00:32:42.990
But I was just sitting
00:32:42.990 --> 00:32:43.940
there watching him trip out.
00:32:43.940 --> 00:32:46.020
JACK: Do you ever steal things from
00:32:46.020 --> 00:32:47.500
people after they got high like that?
00:32:48.690 --> 00:32:49.700
ZACHARIAH: No, I really don't like
00:32:49.700 --> 00:32:51.519
stealing from people like that.
00:32:51.670 --> 00:32:53.290
Once I borrowed a guy’s bicycle.
00:32:53.299 --> 00:32:56.050
It was a junkie, and I brought it
00:32:56.059 --> 00:32:57.500
back before he even knew it was gone.
00:32:58.070 --> 00:32:59.389
Like I said, I would eat some
00:32:59.389 --> 00:33:00.650
people’s food when they weren't
00:33:00.680 --> 00:33:02.042
looking, but I don't think it’s
00:33:02.042 --> 00:33:03.159
right to get your shit stolen.
00:33:04.240 --> 00:33:06.209
JACK: Yeah, but you're ripping them off.
00:33:06.260 --> 00:33:07.330
That’s stealing, right?
00:33:07.510 --> 00:33:08.269
ZACHARIAH: Well, to me those
00:33:08.279 --> 00:33:09.689
are just business deals.
00:33:10.029 --> 00:33:11.190
They could check the weight
00:33:11.230 --> 00:33:12.719
or whatever, and they didn't.
00:33:13.029 --> 00:33:14.409
They could tell me to fuck off or
00:33:14.410 --> 00:33:15.760
punch me in the face, and they didn't.
00:33:16.230 --> 00:33:18.140
That’s their poor business decisions,
00:33:18.189 --> 00:33:19.830
and it’s not the same as me stealing.
00:33:26.689 --> 00:33:28.290
JACK: Zachariah once told me about a
00:33:28.290 --> 00:33:30.119
man he found passed out on the street.
00:33:30.829 --> 00:33:33.170
The man had drank too much or did
00:33:33.189 --> 00:33:34.939
too many drugs, but he was gone.
00:33:35.270 --> 00:33:37.019
He was just sprawled out on the pavement.
00:33:37.590 --> 00:33:39.689
His body was limp and lifeless,
00:33:40.169 --> 00:33:41.669
like someone had discarded a
00:33:41.669 --> 00:33:43.069
bag of trash on the street.
00:33:43.069 --> 00:33:44.939
ZACHARIAH: I thought he was dead at first,
00:33:44.939 --> 00:33:46.819
but then I saw him breathing just fine.
00:33:48.389 --> 00:33:49.409
JACK: Zachariah took a
00:33:49.409 --> 00:33:50.969
morbid curiosity to him.
00:33:51.419 --> 00:33:52.869
He stood over him for a while,
00:33:53.389 --> 00:33:55.619
silent, just watching the man
00:33:55.619 --> 00:33:59.809
breathe shallow, uneven breaths that
00:33:59.809 --> 00:34:01.729
barely seemed to tether him to life.
00:34:03.000 --> 00:34:04.099
The man didn't stir.
00:34:05.040 --> 00:34:06.469
He was completely oblivious to
00:34:06.470 --> 00:34:08.870
Zachariah or the cold bite of the
00:34:08.879 --> 00:34:11.339
concrete beneath him or the chaos
00:34:11.339 --> 00:34:12.559
of the world spinning around him.
00:34:13.259 --> 00:34:15.539
Cars rushed by, people stepped around
00:34:15.540 --> 00:34:18.299
him, and the man, this fragment
00:34:18.309 --> 00:34:21.179
of a human life, lay there utterly
00:34:21.179 --> 00:34:23.509
still as though none of it mattered.
00:34:25.429 --> 00:34:27.809
Zachariah couldn't stop watching him.
00:34:29.019 --> 00:34:30.819
The man looked peaceful.
00:34:31.399 --> 00:34:34.449
Not happy exactly, but unburdened,
00:34:35.099 --> 00:34:37.160
free, even, free from the
00:34:37.169 --> 00:34:39.020
endless responsibilities of life.
00:34:39.790 --> 00:34:41.620
The man had let go.
00:34:42.540 --> 00:34:43.339
He was gone.
00:34:44.459 --> 00:34:45.340
ZACHARIAH: He looked like someone
00:34:45.340 --> 00:34:47.410
who had just given up on everything.
00:34:48.380 --> 00:34:50.070
JACK: Zachariah crept closer,
00:34:50.520 --> 00:34:52.140
studying the man’s face.
00:34:53.059 --> 00:34:55.220
What did it feel like, he wondered,
00:34:55.869 --> 00:34:59.819
to let go so completely, to hand
00:34:59.849 --> 00:35:02.619
over the reins of your life to the
00:35:02.619 --> 00:35:06.650
street like that, to be so vulnerable?
00:35:07.559 --> 00:35:10.059
Was it weakness or some
00:35:10.069 --> 00:35:11.629
strange kind of strength?
00:35:12.259 --> 00:35:14.440
To shed every attachment, every
00:35:14.440 --> 00:35:17.579
ambition, and just empty yourself
00:35:17.910 --> 00:35:20.589
of everything, it disgusted him.
00:35:21.979 --> 00:35:23.309
ZACHARIAH: He was a tragedy, you know?
00:35:24.800 --> 00:35:26.649
JACK: But a small part of him envied
00:35:26.649 --> 00:35:29.399
it; to be empty inside, to feel
00:35:29.399 --> 00:35:32.129
nothing, to have no responsibility,
00:35:32.169 --> 00:35:35.010
no cares, to be completely opened
00:35:35.010 --> 00:35:36.569
up to the world around him.
00:35:37.480 --> 00:35:39.069
It must be blissful.
00:35:40.800 --> 00:35:43.710
He placed his foot on the man’s face.
00:35:46.030 --> 00:35:46.379
ZACHARIAH: I didn't want
00:35:46.379 --> 00:35:47.239
to fucking hurt him.
00:35:47.240 --> 00:35:48.929
I just wanted to see what would happen
00:35:48.929 --> 00:35:51.810
if I put my foot on his face, gently.
00:35:52.650 --> 00:35:53.740
I don't fucking know why.
00:35:53.740 --> 00:35:54.840
It sounds crazy now.
00:35:55.580 --> 00:35:56.759
JACK: He just wanted to see what
00:35:56.760 --> 00:35:59.049
it would feel like to test that
00:35:59.049 --> 00:36:01.070
fragile boundary between the two.
00:36:02.010 --> 00:36:03.450
The man didn't flinch.
00:36:06.189 --> 00:36:08.889
Zachariah realized this guy’s fate
00:36:09.079 --> 00:36:11.869
belonged to the street, to the people
00:36:11.880 --> 00:36:14.749
stepping over him, or even on him.
00:36:16.189 --> 00:36:17.930
Fate is a strange thing, isn't it?
00:36:18.810 --> 00:36:20.389
There’s only so much you can do
00:36:20.389 --> 00:36:22.249
to tip the scales in your favor,
00:36:23.039 --> 00:36:24.609
and then the rest is up to fate.
00:36:25.309 --> 00:36:28.389
Will the wind blow your way today or not?
00:36:29.549 --> 00:36:31.399
But this makes me think how
00:36:31.399 --> 00:36:32.740
there’s sort of a dial that
00:36:32.740 --> 00:36:34.379
we have when it comes to fate.
00:36:34.989 --> 00:36:36.829
We can give fate more control
00:36:37.349 --> 00:36:38.979
or we can turn that knob in our
00:36:38.980 --> 00:36:41.170
favor and try to give fate a much
00:36:41.170 --> 00:36:42.990
smaller say in the situation.
00:36:43.559 --> 00:36:45.649
This guy who was just laying there
00:36:46.029 --> 00:36:48.109
had completely handed the reins of
00:36:48.110 --> 00:36:51.759
his life over to the world, turning
00:36:51.759 --> 00:36:55.079
the dial all the way in fate’s power.
00:36:56.830 --> 00:36:59.929
Zachariah tells me about this strange
00:36:59.939 --> 00:37:02.809
sensation he got from pressing his
00:37:02.809 --> 00:37:05.569
shoe into the man’s nose a little.
00:37:06.479 --> 00:37:08.120
While he was trying to describe
00:37:08.120 --> 00:37:11.959
it, strangely I feel like I might
00:37:11.959 --> 00:37:13.329
have felt that same feeling.
00:37:14.220 --> 00:37:15.789
When I was growing up, I
00:37:15.790 --> 00:37:17.139
looked at my parents as these
00:37:17.199 --> 00:37:19.629
all-knowing figures of my life.
00:37:19.919 --> 00:37:21.499
They were like superheroes to me.
00:37:21.529 --> 00:37:22.779
They knew everything.
00:37:22.949 --> 00:37:24.259
They could do anything.
00:37:24.639 --> 00:37:26.529
They were fun and perfect.
00:37:27.369 --> 00:37:29.940
But as I got into my teenage years, I
00:37:29.940 --> 00:37:32.519
started seeing through their costumes, and
00:37:32.519 --> 00:37:35.039
sometimes I would peek behind the curtain.
00:37:35.879 --> 00:37:37.249
I distinctly remember a time
00:37:37.250 --> 00:37:39.100
when my dad was helping me on my
00:37:39.100 --> 00:37:41.079
homework, and it was math homework.
00:37:41.369 --> 00:37:43.489
I told him, I don't know how to do this.
00:37:43.599 --> 00:37:45.550
He said, okay, give it here.
00:37:45.589 --> 00:37:46.739
I’ll show you how to do this math.
00:37:47.270 --> 00:37:49.050
But it was tricky algebra, and
00:37:49.050 --> 00:37:50.609
my dad’s not good at algebra.
00:37:51.089 --> 00:37:52.420
He thought it would be some basic
00:37:52.420 --> 00:37:54.369
math, but when he looked at it, he
00:37:54.369 --> 00:37:56.219
knew this was out of his league.
00:37:56.750 --> 00:37:58.959
So he said, no problem, and he picked
00:37:58.959 --> 00:38:00.320
up the phone and started calling
00:38:00.320 --> 00:38:01.610
his friends to see who could come
00:38:01.610 --> 00:38:02.930
over and help me with my homework.
00:38:03.459 --> 00:38:04.829
This was before the internet was a big
00:38:04.830 --> 00:38:06.409
deal, so it was hard finding someone.
00:38:07.029 --> 00:38:09.499
Call after call, either people weren't
00:38:09.519 --> 00:38:11.659
home or didn't know this math, either.
00:38:12.160 --> 00:38:13.269
His voice got more desperate
00:38:13.269 --> 00:38:14.240
with each call, too.
00:38:15.169 --> 00:38:17.219
This gave me a strange feeling.
00:38:17.769 --> 00:38:20.689
Here I needed help, and I could always
00:38:20.690 --> 00:38:23.179
rely on my dad in the past, but he was
00:38:23.179 --> 00:38:25.600
completely out of his depth and had
00:38:25.610 --> 00:38:27.609
no way to help me in this situation.
00:38:28.559 --> 00:38:30.459
For the first time I
00:38:30.459 --> 00:38:31.959
felt smarter than him.
00:38:32.889 --> 00:38:34.119
He didn't even try to read
00:38:34.119 --> 00:38:35.430
the lesson to learn how.
00:38:35.830 --> 00:38:37.590
I, at least, knew that much, that
00:38:37.590 --> 00:38:38.700
I should probably just reread
00:38:38.700 --> 00:38:39.990
this section and I’d get it.
00:38:40.390 --> 00:38:42.509
But even though I felt smarter than him,
00:38:42.780 --> 00:38:45.060
I also knew I wasn't smarter than him.
00:38:45.400 --> 00:38:46.569
It was different than that.
00:38:46.569 --> 00:38:48.400
I didn't think I’d ever reach
00:38:48.400 --> 00:38:51.049
his level of greatness, yet here
00:38:51.100 --> 00:38:53.190
I just did as a middle-schooler.
00:38:53.920 --> 00:38:55.510
It’s like I saw the bottom of
00:38:55.510 --> 00:38:57.630
his well of knowledge, and I
00:38:57.630 --> 00:38:59.339
was no longer impressed by it.
00:38:59.920 --> 00:39:02.619
I thought it was endless, but it wasn't.
00:39:03.990 --> 00:39:06.439
I guess I felt disappointed in a
00:39:06.439 --> 00:39:08.580
way, but that’s not exactly it.
00:39:08.820 --> 00:39:11.339
I think the word is disillusioned.
00:39:11.660 --> 00:39:13.540
A spell broke that day.
00:39:14.110 --> 00:39:15.509
I saw behind the curtain.
00:39:16.399 --> 00:39:17.939
Have you ever had that feeling, too?
00:39:18.730 --> 00:39:20.369
Do we all become disillusioned
00:39:20.369 --> 00:39:21.889
of our parents at some stage?
00:39:22.899 --> 00:39:25.609
Well, as Zachariah stood over this
00:39:25.610 --> 00:39:28.019
man in the street, he felt that.
00:39:28.430 --> 00:39:31.229
The man was shrinking under his foot.
00:39:31.799 --> 00:39:33.969
Zachariah was disillusioned.
00:39:34.320 --> 00:39:35.980
A twelve-year-old boy was so
00:39:35.980 --> 00:39:37.539
much better off than this guy
00:39:37.739 --> 00:39:39.409
who’s three times his age.
00:39:39.750 --> 00:39:41.899
The man should have been faster,
00:39:42.169 --> 00:39:45.989
stronger, happier, richer, but he wasn't.
00:39:46.629 --> 00:39:48.229
He was a crumpled-up piece of
00:39:48.229 --> 00:39:50.149
trash discarded on the street.
00:39:50.669 --> 00:39:52.299
He was a husk of a human.
00:39:52.930 --> 00:39:55.510
He just felt so much better than this guy.
00:39:56.129 --> 00:39:58.750
He can do anything to this man; steal
00:39:58.750 --> 00:40:01.140
his wallet, take his clothes, step
00:40:01.169 --> 00:40:04.009
on his face, and there was something
00:40:04.599 --> 00:40:07.349
disheartening about all that to Zachariah.
00:40:08.279 --> 00:40:09.979
Some part of humanity
00:40:10.079 --> 00:40:11.279
escaped him that day.
00:40:12.209 --> 00:40:13.959
A spell was broken.
00:40:14.699 --> 00:40:15.379
ZACHARIAH: That feeling would
00:40:15.379 --> 00:40:16.699
show up again other times, too.
00:40:16.909 --> 00:40:18.099
My friends would be walking around
00:40:18.099 --> 00:40:19.719
at night on the streets and we’d
00:40:19.720 --> 00:40:21.259
mess with drunks coming out of bars.
00:40:21.579 --> 00:40:23.969
Again, I’d get some weird
00:40:23.970 --> 00:40:25.689
sensation of power or something.
00:40:26.439 --> 00:40:29.639
We were fast and smart, and they
00:40:29.919 --> 00:40:32.369
were slow and dumb, but way older
00:40:32.369 --> 00:40:34.069
than us and way bigger than us.
00:40:34.930 --> 00:40:37.309
We got a strange thrill from it somehow.
00:40:37.599 --> 00:40:39.399
You could size someone up in the
00:40:39.399 --> 00:40:41.279
weirdest way in those situations.
00:40:41.669 --> 00:40:43.079
Like, it was so easy to steal stuff
00:40:43.089 --> 00:40:45.039
from these people, and them not even
00:40:45.039 --> 00:40:47.259
noticing, it was really strange.
00:40:48.190 --> 00:40:50.290
Once we took some guy’s wallet, not to
00:40:50.300 --> 00:40:52.749
steal it, but just to look through it,
00:40:52.899 --> 00:40:54.669
to go through his private documents.
00:40:55.099 --> 00:40:56.769
Like, we found his passport
00:40:57.119 --> 00:40:58.299
and discovered his name and
00:40:58.300 --> 00:40:59.869
started calling him by his name.
00:41:00.160 --> 00:41:01.479
Then we found a photo of some
00:41:01.479 --> 00:41:03.130
lady and asked, is this your wife?
00:41:03.649 --> 00:41:05.669
It was strange to go through someone’s
00:41:05.679 --> 00:41:07.369
wallet right in front of them like that.
00:41:08.049 --> 00:41:09.499
The guy was too far gone
00:41:09.500 --> 00:41:10.910
to understand anything.
00:41:11.360 --> 00:41:12.359
We just put it all back.
00:41:12.360 --> 00:41:14.109
I remember I also put a condom
00:41:14.139 --> 00:41:15.629
in his wallet, too, and then we
00:41:15.729 --> 00:41:17.080
just put it back in his pocket.
00:41:17.819 --> 00:41:19.550
JACK: Did you ever get injured
00:41:19.589 --> 00:41:20.719
at all during this time?
00:41:20.720 --> 00:41:21.489
Like, there’s all this
00:41:21.489 --> 00:41:22.479
violence around you.
00:41:22.479 --> 00:41:24.849
I’d figured you'd get hurt sometimes.
00:41:25.110 --> 00:41:25.750
ZACHARIAH: I got stabbed
00:41:25.750 --> 00:41:27.399
once with a pencil.
00:41:27.410 --> 00:41:27.970
JACK: What?
00:41:28.289 --> 00:41:29.139
Why?
00:41:29.679 --> 00:41:30.869
ZACHARIAH: I called some autistic
00:41:30.869 --> 00:41:32.790
guy a retard, and he took out a
00:41:32.790 --> 00:41:34.600
pencil and stabbed me in my shoulder.
00:41:35.380 --> 00:41:37.460
JACK: Okay, the reason why I ask if
00:41:37.460 --> 00:41:38.510
you're getting injured is because there’s
00:41:38.510 --> 00:41:39.590
something I’ve been meaning to ask.
00:41:39.810 --> 00:41:42.550
If you get hurt and you have to go to
00:41:42.550 --> 00:41:44.570
the doctor or a hospital, aren't they
00:41:44.570 --> 00:41:46.359
gonna look up your name and then see
00:41:46.360 --> 00:41:48.200
that you're a runaway and take you home?
00:41:48.250 --> 00:41:49.279
ZACHARIAH: Well, when I got stabbed in
00:41:49.279 --> 00:41:50.940
the shoulder with the pencil, one of
00:41:50.940 --> 00:41:53.030
my friends took it out and put rubbing
00:41:53.030 --> 00:41:54.970
alcohol on it and then put a Band-Aid on
00:41:54.970 --> 00:41:56.890
it, and that was probably the most medical
00:41:56.890 --> 00:41:58.589
attention I received during that time.
00:41:59.639 --> 00:42:01.359
Another time I got tased, but I didn't
00:42:01.359 --> 00:42:02.770
go to the doctor for that, either.
00:42:03.629 --> 00:42:04.999
JACK: Wait, why did you get tased?
00:42:06.770 --> 00:42:07.749
ZACHARIAH: Me and my friends were
00:42:07.750 --> 00:42:09.140
fucking around, and one pulled out
00:42:09.140 --> 00:42:11.039
a taser and tased me in my arm.
00:42:11.469 --> 00:42:13.309
[Music] It left a giant bruise,
00:42:14.189 --> 00:42:15.620
but it healed up after a few days.
00:42:45.320 --> 00:42:46.590
JACK: Did the police ever come
00:42:46.590 --> 00:42:48.489
looking for you because of what
00:42:48.489 --> 00:42:49.689
you did to your mom’s boyfriend?
00:42:50.180 --> 00:42:51.029
ZACHARIAH: No, never.
00:42:51.250 --> 00:42:52.499
I’m pretty sure my mom covered
00:42:52.500 --> 00:42:54.109
for me, making it look like
00:42:54.110 --> 00:42:55.429
an accident or something.
00:42:55.799 --> 00:42:56.940
I don't think she wanted me to be
00:42:56.940 --> 00:42:58.800
arrested since I don't think she
00:42:58.800 --> 00:43:00.299
liked him very much anyway, and
00:43:00.299 --> 00:43:01.819
didn't want me to be punished over it.
00:43:03.699 --> 00:43:05.599
But I did go back to see her once,
00:43:05.829 --> 00:43:08.909
like about a year after I left home.
00:43:09.419 --> 00:43:10.789
One night I took a taxi
00:43:10.790 --> 00:43:11.669
over to her apartment.
00:43:11.679 --> 00:43:13.709
I really wanted to go in
00:43:13.709 --> 00:43:15.839
and see her, but I couldn't.
00:43:18.389 --> 00:43:19.910
I knew I could never go back there.
00:43:20.799 --> 00:43:21.960
So, I stood in the dark and
00:43:21.960 --> 00:43:22.859
looked through the window.
00:43:23.589 --> 00:43:25.509
I saw her there at the table.
00:43:26.199 --> 00:43:27.949
She looked so kind and peaceful.
00:43:30.349 --> 00:43:31.609
I smoked a cigarette and just
00:43:31.610 --> 00:43:32.839
watched her from the dark.
00:43:34.119 --> 00:43:35.649
She was writing something and eating.
00:43:37.139 --> 00:43:38.490
I hoped she was happy.
00:43:42.459 --> 00:43:44.469
I wanted to go up and see her so bad.
00:43:44.469 --> 00:43:46.639
I didn't.
00:43:47.659 --> 00:43:48.479
Instead I walked around the
00:43:48.479 --> 00:43:49.539
old neighborhood for a while
00:43:49.539 --> 00:43:50.830
and then went back home.
00:43:54.550 --> 00:43:56.199
JACK: Why couldn't you go up to see her?
00:43:59.529 --> 00:44:00.829
ZACHARIAH: That life was over.
00:44:01.160 --> 00:44:02.689
I knew if I saw her it would
00:44:02.690 --> 00:44:04.469
bring all kinds of trouble to her.
00:44:04.970 --> 00:44:06.389
All these drugs that I was involved
00:44:06.389 --> 00:44:07.880
with now and all the violence in my
00:44:07.880 --> 00:44:10.069
life, I didn't want to bring that into
00:44:10.080 --> 00:44:12.690
her life, and I couldn't quit my life.
00:44:12.690 --> 00:44:13.599
It’s all I had.
00:44:14.080 --> 00:44:15.449
I was only good at two things,
00:44:15.470 --> 00:44:16.899
fighting and drugs, and I was
00:44:16.910 --> 00:44:17.779
starting to make money from
00:44:17.779 --> 00:44:19.769
drugs, so I couldn't leave that.
00:44:20.569 --> 00:44:22.760
I figure if I just — if I went home I
00:44:22.760 --> 00:44:24.640
would just give her so many problems.
00:44:27.190 --> 00:44:28.720
JACK: So, you were selling
00:44:28.750 --> 00:44:30.970
pot, meth, cocaine.
00:44:31.710 --> 00:44:32.629
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, you name it.
00:44:32.629 --> 00:44:34.550
[Music] I was involved with every drug.
00:44:37.150 --> 00:44:38.270
I sold it, tried it.
00:44:38.920 --> 00:44:40.210
After a while my dealer started
00:44:40.219 --> 00:44:41.829
having me collect shipments for him.
00:44:42.499 --> 00:44:43.520
It was strange at first.
00:44:43.920 --> 00:44:45.529
He had me running all over town
00:44:45.570 --> 00:44:47.749
collecting little plastic-wrapped boxes.
00:44:48.799 --> 00:44:50.190
Often I’d have to go into
00:44:50.190 --> 00:44:51.620
a shop and give them a fake
00:44:51.620 --> 00:44:53.409
name, and they'd hand it to me.
00:44:54.099 --> 00:44:55.179
I couldn't mess with it
00:44:55.180 --> 00:44:56.810
or he’d know I opened it.
00:44:56.810 --> 00:44:57.539
They were sealed tight.
00:44:58.199 --> 00:44:59.480
I asked to see what was in it,
00:44:59.480 --> 00:45:00.649
and he’d open it and show me.
00:45:00.649 --> 00:45:02.819
They were bulk packages of drugs,
00:45:03.380 --> 00:45:04.769
and he’d divide it up to smaller
00:45:04.770 --> 00:45:06.530
amounts and sell that around town.
00:45:07.450 --> 00:45:09.059
I was asking him, how do you know
00:45:09.059 --> 00:45:10.909
where these packages are all over town?
00:45:11.739 --> 00:45:13.189
He told me because he’s ordering
00:45:13.189 --> 00:45:15.450
them; acid, cocaine, Adderall,
00:45:15.480 --> 00:45:17.669
meth, pot, big amounts of it, too.
00:45:18.129 --> 00:45:19.659
I asked him, how do you order drugs?
00:45:20.340 --> 00:45:21.969
He says, Silk Road.
00:45:23.119 --> 00:45:25.330
I didn't know what he meant by Silk Road.
00:45:25.779 --> 00:45:26.459
I didn't know what the
00:45:26.459 --> 00:45:27.810
dark web was at the time.
00:45:28.239 --> 00:45:30.009
Someone told me the dark web is a
00:45:30.009 --> 00:45:31.099
mysterious place on the internet
00:45:31.099 --> 00:45:33.140
full of crazy shit, and that’s it.
00:45:33.969 --> 00:45:36.719
I thought it was a myth, honestly, but
00:45:36.790 --> 00:45:38.309
I was asking him a million questions.
00:45:38.769 --> 00:45:40.239
I really wanted to be a better drug
00:45:40.239 --> 00:45:41.739
dealer and learn everything, so
00:45:41.739 --> 00:45:43.210
I asked him to show me how to use
00:45:43.239 --> 00:45:44.859
a Tor browser and access the dark
00:45:44.860 --> 00:45:46.919
web and how to use cryptocurrencies
00:45:46.959 --> 00:45:48.419
to buy drugs on Silk Road.
00:45:49.239 --> 00:45:50.490
Then he’d take these bulk packages
00:45:50.490 --> 00:45:51.349
and he’d sell them in smaller
00:45:51.349 --> 00:45:52.650
quantities to people around town.
00:45:52.959 --> 00:45:54.759
He was a fucking genius, no joke.
00:45:54.989 --> 00:45:56.749
I thought he was way smart, because
00:45:56.750 --> 00:45:58.559
he never did any of the deals himself.
00:45:58.829 --> 00:46:00.269
He always had runners do all the work,
00:46:00.269 --> 00:46:03.459
and to use the darknet to buy things with,
00:46:03.459 --> 00:46:04.849
and then get kids to sell it locally.
00:46:05.070 --> 00:46:06.409
He was making a ton of money.
00:46:07.229 --> 00:46:08.899
I really wanted to be as good as him.
00:46:09.659 --> 00:46:11.869
Since he was way smarter than me, I just
00:46:11.900 --> 00:46:13.969
kept asking him to show me more and more
00:46:13.970 --> 00:46:15.329
and more about how everything works.
00:46:15.979 --> 00:46:16.929
That’s when I started getting
00:46:16.930 --> 00:46:19.299
into cryptocurrency and computers.
00:46:19.729 --> 00:46:21.509
Like, I didn't use a computer much
00:46:21.509 --> 00:46:23.249
before that, and some of my first
00:46:23.250 --> 00:46:25.189
experiences on the internet are
00:46:25.209 --> 00:46:27.139
being on the dark web marketplaces.
00:46:27.570 --> 00:46:28.509
I even saved enough to
00:46:28.509 --> 00:46:29.499
buy a crappy computer.
00:46:29.500 --> 00:46:30.910
I think it was like, I don't know, a
00:46:30.910 --> 00:46:32.349
hundred-dollar computer or something.
00:46:32.820 --> 00:46:34.909
I would just go on Silk Road and read
00:46:34.909 --> 00:46:36.710
all the forum posts and listings.
00:46:37.290 --> 00:46:38.269
I could only read Russian,
00:46:38.270 --> 00:46:39.859
though, so I couldn't understand
00:46:39.860 --> 00:46:40.969
most of what was on there.
00:46:41.470 --> 00:46:42.539
I felt like this is what I was
00:46:42.539 --> 00:46:44.169
gonna do when I grow up, be
00:46:44.169 --> 00:46:45.650
the best drug dealer in town.
00:46:46.199 --> 00:46:47.420
So, I was super intrigued by
00:46:47.420 --> 00:46:49.029
all this and was saving up
00:46:49.220 --> 00:46:50.619
Bitcoin to buy my first order.
00:46:52.029 --> 00:46:53.969
JACK: How did you buy Bitcoin back then?
00:46:55.059 --> 00:46:56.499
ZACHARIAH: I just gave money to the
00:46:56.500 --> 00:46:58.189
dealer and asked him to give me Bitcoin,
00:46:58.259 --> 00:46:59.869
or sometimes he’d pay me in Bitcoin.
00:47:01.089 --> 00:47:02.029
JACK: Man, you were like a
00:47:02.029 --> 00:47:03.689
real early adopter of Bitcoin.
00:47:03.689 --> 00:47:05.189
It was, what, less than a
00:47:05.190 --> 00:47:06.469
hundred dollars back then, right?
00:47:06.619 --> 00:47:08.689
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, you're right, but one day
00:47:08.690 --> 00:47:10.889
I went home and one of the kids there told
00:47:10.889 --> 00:47:13.119
me the old man I was living with died.
00:47:13.649 --> 00:47:14.979
JACK: Wait, the guy you
00:47:14.979 --> 00:47:15.979
were living with died?
00:47:16.269 --> 00:47:17.949
ZACHARIAH: Yeah, and it was his apartment,
00:47:17.949 --> 00:47:19.710
so we knew we couldn't stay there anymore.
00:47:20.339 --> 00:47:21.549
JACK: How did he die?
00:47:21.789 --> 00:47:22.519
ZACHARIAH: We don't know.
00:47:22.529 --> 00:47:25.619
We just found him in his bed in his room.
00:47:25.629 --> 00:47:27.299
We think he must have died from a heart
00:47:27.300 --> 00:47:29.259
attack, because he never did drugs.
00:47:29.900 --> 00:47:31.530
What’s weird is by the looks of
00:47:31.530 --> 00:47:33.190
him, he must have died a few days
00:47:33.190 --> 00:47:35.390
ago, and we were living there with
00:47:35.390 --> 00:47:37.439
him, but we had no idea he was dead.
00:47:38.050 --> 00:47:39.520
JACK: Oh, man.
00:47:39.750 --> 00:47:41.230
What did you do?
00:47:41.770 --> 00:47:43.139
What did you even do when
00:47:43.139 --> 00:47:44.759
you saw that he was dead?
00:47:45.270 --> 00:47:46.100
ZACHARIAH: Well, we obviously
00:47:46.100 --> 00:47:47.749
took his wallet and rings and
00:47:47.750 --> 00:47:49.289
any valuable jewellery he had.
00:47:49.569 --> 00:47:50.220
JACK: Wait, see?
00:47:50.389 --> 00:47:52.359
This is the difference between you and me.
00:47:53.599 --> 00:47:55.919
I once had a dog that died, and I
00:47:55.920 --> 00:47:57.620
was gonna bury it in the backyard.
00:47:57.620 --> 00:47:59.719
I dug the hole, and when I came
00:47:59.719 --> 00:48:01.250
to move the dog to put it into
00:48:01.250 --> 00:48:03.209
the hole, I couldn't do it.
00:48:03.430 --> 00:48:05.230
I couldn't even take off its collar.
00:48:05.520 --> 00:48:08.189
When I touched my lifeless dog, just that
00:48:08.219 --> 00:48:11.969
lifeless limp body, it was just too awful
00:48:12.290 --> 00:48:14.710
to move, to carry, to do anything with.
00:48:14.710 --> 00:48:16.960
It sent chills through me.
00:48:17.149 --> 00:48:19.329
Like, I really tried, but then the head
00:48:19.539 --> 00:48:21.540
flopped about and the tongue was hanging
00:48:21.540 --> 00:48:25.189
out, and it just freaked me out moving
00:48:25.439 --> 00:48:27.999
a dead dog even just a little bit.
00:48:28.000 --> 00:48:31.490
It was like it was haunted or something.
00:48:31.490 --> 00:48:33.599
It was just — it freaked me out, and
00:48:33.599 --> 00:48:35.920
that’s how I deal with death, right?
00:48:35.970 --> 00:48:37.779
But here you go; the minute this guy
00:48:37.779 --> 00:48:39.759
dies, you start rifling through his
00:48:39.760 --> 00:48:41.699
pockets, taking stuff off his fingers.
00:48:42.279 --> 00:48:44.259
I just cannot relate to that.
00:48:44.729 --> 00:48:45.689
ZACHARIAH: Like you said,
00:48:45.919 --> 00:48:47.240
my life is a war zone.
00:48:47.939 --> 00:48:49.599
When you're in that situation,
00:48:50.209 --> 00:48:51.339
you don't have a choice.
00:48:51.610 --> 00:48:52.899
You don't have emotional
00:48:52.900 --> 00:48:55.249
reactions like what you're saying.
00:48:55.430 --> 00:48:58.009
You have this pressing urge to survive,
00:48:58.199 --> 00:48:59.609
and you pay attention to whatever
00:48:59.610 --> 00:49:01.939
opportunities come your way, because
00:49:01.939 --> 00:49:03.440
if you don't take advantage of this
00:49:03.440 --> 00:49:05.139
opportunity, someone else will.
00:49:06.769 --> 00:49:07.699
JACK: Okay, so you loot
00:49:07.699 --> 00:49:09.640
his body, then what?
00:49:10.150 --> 00:49:11.749
Did you call an ambulance or anything?
00:49:12.159 --> 00:49:13.469
ZACHARIAH: We submitted an anonymous
00:49:13.489 --> 00:49:15.540
tip about gunshots in the apartment.
00:49:16.459 --> 00:49:17.499
This way someone would come
00:49:17.500 --> 00:49:19.049
and check on him and find him.
00:49:19.049 --> 00:49:21.159
Yeah, we knew we could never come
00:49:21.169 --> 00:49:23.199
back here, and we had a lot of
00:49:23.199 --> 00:49:24.330
drugs that we hid in this place.
00:49:24.339 --> 00:49:25.659
So, we went through all our hiding spots
00:49:25.659 --> 00:49:28.089
and got everything, and then took off.
00:49:29.089 --> 00:49:30.500
I didn't know what to do or where
00:49:30.500 --> 00:49:32.639
to go, so I got together with some
00:49:32.649 --> 00:49:34.519
friends who knew him, and we went
00:49:34.519 --> 00:49:35.949
on a rooftop and we had a little
00:49:35.959 --> 00:49:39.379
ceremony for the old man and got high.
00:49:40.389 --> 00:49:42.489
We made a memorial for him up there, too.
00:49:43.770 --> 00:49:45.040
I was homeless at that point.
00:49:45.040 --> 00:49:46.459
I didn't know what to do.
00:49:47.559 --> 00:49:49.970
So, I got my stuff and went
00:49:49.970 --> 00:49:51.329
to that drug dealer’s house.
00:49:51.550 --> 00:49:52.810
He gave one of the teenagers a
00:49:52.810 --> 00:49:55.299
package to deliver, and he told
00:49:55.300 --> 00:49:56.670
me to go along with him because he
00:49:56.670 --> 00:49:58.109
wanted two people to deliver it.
00:49:58.679 --> 00:49:59.899
[Music] So, we walked this
00:49:59.899 --> 00:50:02.040
package a few blocks away to
00:50:02.040 --> 00:50:03.369
this dirty apartment building.
00:50:03.619 --> 00:50:05.519
There’s needles on the stairs going up,
00:50:05.519 --> 00:50:07.100
and someone was passed out on the stairs.
00:50:07.149 --> 00:50:08.899
It was a nasty place.
00:50:08.899 --> 00:50:10.920
We had to get up to the second floor.
00:50:12.339 --> 00:50:13.779
We get up to the room and knock
00:50:13.779 --> 00:50:16.059
on it, and a guy opens the door
00:50:16.059 --> 00:50:17.429
and tells us to come inside.
00:50:18.699 --> 00:50:20.219
We go in and they start
00:50:20.259 --> 00:50:21.659
arguing about the deal.
00:50:21.949 --> 00:50:23.389
I think the teenager took some for
00:50:23.389 --> 00:50:24.869
himself, and it wasn't all there.
00:50:24.869 --> 00:50:26.879
So, the guy gets real pissed
00:50:26.940 --> 00:50:27.890
and he pulls out a gun and
00:50:27.890 --> 00:50:29.259
stars aiming it around at us.
00:50:29.340 --> 00:50:30.950
Everyone started yelling at each
00:50:30.950 --> 00:50:32.569
other at this point, and the guy
00:50:32.570 --> 00:50:34.500
runs up to me and knocks into
00:50:34.500 --> 00:50:36.210
me with his shoulder real hard.
00:50:36.550 --> 00:50:37.959
I was standing next to a window,
00:50:38.270 --> 00:50:40.550
and he hit me so hard that I went
00:50:40.550 --> 00:50:42.599
flying out the second-floor window
00:50:43.010 --> 00:50:45.899
and landed badly on my hand and arm.
00:50:46.590 --> 00:50:48.599
I couldn't breathe for a few minutes.
00:50:50.650 --> 00:50:53.039
I felt throbbing pain in my arm.
00:50:53.799 --> 00:50:55.890
When I looked down at it, I could
00:50:55.890 --> 00:50:58.119
tell it was bent the wrong way.
00:50:58.809 --> 00:51:01.479
I knew it was broken, and my hand was all
00:51:01.489 --> 00:51:04.289
fucked up, too, but I couldn't do anything
00:51:04.289 --> 00:51:07.719
but lay there and just hold onto my arm.
00:51:08.989 --> 00:51:10.040
I was gasping for breath.
00:51:13.200 --> 00:51:14.629
When I could finally breathe normal
00:51:14.629 --> 00:51:17.250
again, I tried to get up, but the pain
00:51:17.250 --> 00:51:19.000
in my arm was just too much to move.
00:51:19.020 --> 00:51:21.109
It was so sharp and stinging, and
00:51:21.110 --> 00:51:22.559
I couldn't put any weight on it.
00:51:23.599 --> 00:51:24.899
I didn't know where to go, either,
00:51:24.919 --> 00:51:27.160
so I just stayed down, holding
00:51:27.160 --> 00:51:28.939
my arm and trying to calm down,
00:51:28.939 --> 00:51:30.129
just rocking back and forth.
00:51:30.180 --> 00:51:31.490
It hurt so fucking bad.
00:51:31.989 --> 00:51:33.030
I had no idea what happened
00:51:33.030 --> 00:51:34.140
to that teenager I was with.
00:51:35.559 --> 00:51:36.519
For all I know, he could have
00:51:36.629 --> 00:51:38.050
fucking got shot and killed.
00:51:38.269 --> 00:51:40.279
But he managed to get away and told some
00:51:40.290 --> 00:51:43.549
people that I’m still there or something.
00:51:43.549 --> 00:51:45.389
So, some other people came looking for
00:51:45.389 --> 00:51:47.599
me, and they found me in the bushes,
00:51:48.180 --> 00:51:49.689
and they got me up and they took me to a
00:51:49.689 --> 00:51:52.030
place that they knew I could get help at.
00:51:52.419 --> 00:51:54.919
It was like a doctor’s side job or
00:51:54.919 --> 00:51:57.220
something, like no questions asked,
00:51:57.220 --> 00:51:58.700
just paid in cash kinda thing.
00:52:00.449 --> 00:52:02.919
They straightened my arm and wrapped
00:52:02.919 --> 00:52:04.819
it in bandages to keep it from moving.
00:52:06.349 --> 00:52:07.610
I didn't have a place to go.
00:52:07.610 --> 00:52:09.320
I was basically homeless.
00:52:10.430 --> 00:52:13.579
I just slept in a stairwell in
00:52:13.589 --> 00:52:15.000
some shitty apartment building.
00:52:16.559 --> 00:52:19.849
The only stuff I had with me were a
00:52:19.849 --> 00:52:21.489
few clothes, a little bit of food,
00:52:22.329 --> 00:52:25.489
some drugs, my laptop, my pocket
00:52:25.489 --> 00:52:27.569
knife, wristwatch, and some money.
00:52:28.509 --> 00:52:29.499
My friends gave me some
00:52:29.500 --> 00:52:30.769
painkillers to get me through it.
00:52:32.239 --> 00:52:33.669
And as I was just sitting there
00:52:33.979 --> 00:52:35.509
waiting for my arm to heal.
00:52:36.509 --> 00:52:38.460
It made me realize I don't
00:52:38.460 --> 00:52:39.659
want to do this anymore.
00:52:40.589 --> 00:52:43.049
I’m lucky to have just a broken arm.
00:52:43.459 --> 00:52:44.839
That guy could have fucking
00:52:44.949 --> 00:52:46.270
shot me or something.
00:52:46.739 --> 00:52:48.639
Like I was saying, it felt like every
00:52:48.639 --> 00:52:50.179
week someone would be dying in this
00:52:50.209 --> 00:52:52.090
neighborhood from drugs or selling
00:52:52.090 --> 00:52:53.819
drugs or being killed by a druggie.
00:52:54.319 --> 00:52:55.799
I didn't want to fucking die.
00:52:56.319 --> 00:52:58.090
So, after that I stopped
00:52:58.099 --> 00:53:00.189
selling drugs and doing deals.
00:53:00.809 --> 00:53:01.719
I still liked drugs.
00:53:01.720 --> 00:53:03.430
I liked smoking pot and taking Adderall.
00:53:03.619 --> 00:53:05.260
God, fucking Adderall
00:53:05.289 --> 00:53:06.369
made me feel so smart.
00:53:07.019 --> 00:53:09.129
I loved pot, but I stopped
00:53:09.129 --> 00:53:10.100
taking all the other stuff.
00:53:10.979 --> 00:53:12.689
So, when I realized that this town
00:53:12.690 --> 00:53:14.700
is gonna fucking kill me, I knew
00:53:14.700 --> 00:53:16.429
I had to leave Samara altogether
00:53:17.300 --> 00:53:18.690
and start over somewhere else.
00:53:19.390 --> 00:53:21.009
Samara is a fucking hell hole.
00:53:21.470 --> 00:53:23.049
I don't belong here anymore,
00:53:23.349 --> 00:53:24.980
and I need to get as far away
00:53:24.980 --> 00:53:26.430
from this place as possible.
00:53:27.930 --> 00:53:31.000
So, I was walking down the street
00:53:31.000 --> 00:53:33.500
one day and I saw a bicycle
00:53:34.160 --> 00:53:35.680
leaned up against a building.
00:53:37.090 --> 00:53:38.449
[Music] I stood there looking at
00:53:38.450 --> 00:53:42.529
it, wondering if this is my way out.
00:53:44.600 --> 00:53:46.980
I had my bag with me and I zipped
00:53:46.980 --> 00:53:49.450
it up, and jumped on the bike.
00:53:50.539 --> 00:53:51.949
I just started riding it.
00:53:52.519 --> 00:53:54.289
I knew fate had a plan for
00:53:54.299 --> 00:53:56.389
me, and I can't escape fate.
00:53:56.719 --> 00:53:58.049
But I was gonna make it
00:53:58.049 --> 00:53:59.539
work to catch up to me.
00:54:00.209 --> 00:54:01.909
I know I can't outrun my past,
00:54:02.209 --> 00:54:04.009
but maybe I can outgrow it.
00:54:04.790 --> 00:54:06.010
I was literally watching
00:54:06.010 --> 00:54:07.679
my past shrink behind me.
00:54:08.139 --> 00:54:10.419
Every push of the pedal felt like I
00:54:10.419 --> 00:54:11.849
was giving a middle finger to that
00:54:11.849 --> 00:54:13.739
place and this life that I hated.
00:54:14.450 --> 00:54:16.750
I rode off not having a
00:54:16.750 --> 00:54:18.379
fucking clue where I was going.
00:54:18.639 --> 00:54:21.669
I just knew I needed to get out of there.