WEBVTT
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:09.519
I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, the podcast for parents with older kids in their 20s and 30s who are struggling to move forward.
00:00:09.839 --> 00:00:16.879
Each week, my guests and I talk about the issues that parents like yourself are having with their adult children.
00:00:17.039 --> 00:00:28.480
And although I wish I could tell you what to do to get them through this stage quickly, it is not an easy process and certainly not something you thought you'd be doing at this stage of your life.
00:00:28.640 --> 00:00:30.079
Yet here you are.
00:00:30.320 --> 00:00:33.439
So be patient with them, but do not give up.
00:00:33.679 --> 00:00:35.600
They really do need you.
00:00:35.840 --> 00:00:39.200
And that's what today's episode is all about.
00:00:39.679 --> 00:00:43.359
I've spent a lot of time talking to parents about their adult children.
00:00:43.600 --> 00:00:45.280
I hear the frustration.
00:00:45.520 --> 00:00:46.880
I hear the worry.
00:00:47.119 --> 00:00:51.679
In fact, I hear the same questions and concerns over and over again.
00:00:52.079 --> 00:00:53.679
Why won't they get a job?
00:00:53.920 --> 00:00:55.759
Why can't they figure this out?
00:00:56.000 --> 00:00:57.679
I can't motivate them.
00:00:57.920 --> 00:01:00.640
I've tried everything and nothing works.
00:01:00.880 --> 00:01:02.880
What am I supposed to do?
00:01:03.200 --> 00:01:04.879
That's how parents feel.
00:01:05.040 --> 00:01:08.560
But I've also had conversations with the young adults themselves.
00:01:08.799 --> 00:01:15.359
And when I hear what they have to say, I see the same situation, but very differently.
00:01:15.599 --> 00:01:21.040
Because there are things that these young adults are telling me that they are not saying to their parents.
00:01:21.200 --> 00:01:27.040
And after having enough of these conversations, I've come to some pretty strong conclusions.
00:01:27.280 --> 00:01:35.439
So today I'm going to share the top five things I've learned from talking to young adults, and I know that I'm only scratching the surface.
00:01:35.599 --> 00:01:39.439
Maybe yours has more to say or something I haven't heard yet.
00:01:39.599 --> 00:01:42.560
If you want to set up a call, just reach out to me.
00:01:42.799 --> 00:01:46.239
But here's the thing: they have to want to.
00:01:46.640 --> 00:01:53.920
Even if they're just a little curious, because this work of change and growth is a family project.
00:01:54.159 --> 00:01:56.239
They didn't get here on their own.
00:01:56.480 --> 00:01:58.640
It was a team effort.
00:01:58.959 --> 00:02:01.280
Consider it like a potato sack race.
00:02:01.519 --> 00:02:04.000
But your partner is your adult child.
00:02:04.239 --> 00:02:07.680
You're in this together, but not in sync.
00:02:07.840 --> 00:02:15.439
So you're tripping and falling all over each other, not living together harmoniously and certainly not moving forward.
00:02:15.759 --> 00:02:16.400
Why?
00:02:16.879 --> 00:02:22.400
Because you're not connecting and not communicating, even if you think you are.
00:02:22.719 --> 00:02:25.520
Your approach is just not working.
00:02:25.759 --> 00:02:27.680
They are not hearing you.
00:02:28.000 --> 00:02:30.800
Or maybe you're not hearing them.
00:02:31.120 --> 00:02:37.360
You see, I believe that if you knew what they were really thinking, that you would be able to help them.
00:02:37.599 --> 00:02:43.599
So I'll tell you what I've learned from talking to young adults, and hopefully this will help.
00:02:43.840 --> 00:02:53.199
Now, some of these might surprise you, some might hit home, and maybe there's one that might completely change the way you look at your own adult child.
00:02:53.360 --> 00:02:54.639
So let's begin.
00:02:54.879 --> 00:03:01.199
Number one, they are not telling you what they're really thinking, feeling, or wanting.
00:03:01.520 --> 00:03:08.400
When I talk to young adults, I hear things their parents don't know because at some point they have stopped talking to them.
00:03:08.639 --> 00:03:11.039
My brother did this when he was a young adult.
00:03:11.280 --> 00:03:24.879
He shut down, he closed himself off because he felt that what he wanted wasn't aligned with what everyone else around him was doing, and certainly not what he thought my mother wanted to hear.
00:03:25.120 --> 00:03:33.680
When your adult child gives you one-word answers or says, I don't know, it's easy to think that they don't care or they're being rude.
00:03:34.000 --> 00:03:38.639
But I promise you, the silence is telling you something else.
00:03:38.879 --> 00:03:43.840
You know, when you get into a fight with your spouse, do you always feel like talking about it?
00:03:44.080 --> 00:03:46.560
Or do you ever just think, what's the point?
00:03:46.800 --> 00:03:51.280
They won't listen anyway, and I'll just create more problems for myself.
00:03:51.520 --> 00:03:53.360
Well, that's how your adult feels.
00:03:53.599 --> 00:04:04.800
That so many conversations will lead to criticism, disappointment, arguments, lectures, comparisons, or an attempt to fix the problem.
00:04:05.280 --> 00:04:07.280
So they stop talking.
00:04:07.520 --> 00:04:12.719
But when I ask them questions, I don't voice an opinion or express judgment.
00:04:12.879 --> 00:04:14.159
I just listen.
00:04:14.800 --> 00:04:21.920
If your adult child has stopped sharing what's really going on in their life, that's telling you something.
00:04:22.160 --> 00:04:24.800
What are they withholding and why?
00:04:25.120 --> 00:04:38.639
So instead of wondering why won't my adult child talk to me, the better question is, what has happened between us that makes staying silent feel easier than opening up to me?
00:04:38.879 --> 00:04:46.879
And then ask yourself, what can I do to make it feel safe for them to tell me what's really going on?
00:04:47.120 --> 00:04:53.519
Number two, they may not know what they want, but they certainly know what you expect.
00:04:54.319 --> 00:05:03.279
Sometimes the problem isn't that they don't have any direction, it's that they don't believe their direction will be acceptable to you.
00:05:03.839 --> 00:05:08.879
Recently I asked a young male why he won't just take an hourly job for now.
00:05:09.040 --> 00:05:11.920
And he didn't say because I don't want to.
00:05:12.240 --> 00:05:15.519
He said my dad would never accept that.
00:05:15.759 --> 00:05:24.079
There's a difference between I don't know what I want to do and it doesn't matter what I want, I just know it's not what my parents want for me.
00:05:24.399 --> 00:05:27.920
Now you might be thinking, that is absolutely not true.
00:05:28.079 --> 00:05:30.160
I'd be happy if they did anything.
00:05:30.480 --> 00:05:32.639
But has that always been the case?
00:05:32.879 --> 00:05:35.519
Or is that just what it's come down to?
00:05:36.000 --> 00:05:47.199
Because even when you say to them, I don't care what you do, just do something, they actually don't believe you because of all the years you spent expecting more from them.
00:05:47.600 --> 00:05:49.360
They're conditioned now.
00:05:49.759 --> 00:05:55.360
They still believe that you'll be disappointed and they just can't deal with that.
00:05:55.759 --> 00:06:03.600
Feelings of shame and the fear of doing something that you don't approve of keeps them completely inactive.
00:06:04.079 --> 00:06:10.800
Number three, they hear your comparisons and it makes them feel like shit.
00:06:11.040 --> 00:06:13.360
Now this one hurts me when I hear it.
00:06:13.519 --> 00:06:17.120
They never come right out and say it because they have too much pride.
00:06:17.279 --> 00:06:21.360
But it's often in this one response to a question I ask.
00:06:21.600 --> 00:06:23.439
Tell me about your siblings.
00:06:23.680 --> 00:06:29.839
Well, I might as well say, so tell me about your perfectly thriving, accomplished, successful siblings.
00:06:30.399 --> 00:06:33.759
Yes, they hear you bragging to your friends.
00:06:34.000 --> 00:06:39.279
They hear you on the phone with family, you're oozing and gushing with pride.
00:06:39.519 --> 00:06:46.000
They might be happy for their brother or sister, but after a while, it's hard not to resent them.
00:06:46.319 --> 00:06:48.399
Things just seem easier.
00:06:48.639 --> 00:06:51.279
They just have that personality.
00:06:51.519 --> 00:06:52.720
And I get it.
00:06:53.040 --> 00:06:58.319
You need this win in your life as a parent, so you don't always feel like you're failing.
00:06:58.560 --> 00:07:02.560
But the adult child who is struggling is listening.
00:07:02.879 --> 00:07:09.519
They also hear you talking about your friend's kid who landed a great job or their cousin who bought a house.
00:07:09.759 --> 00:07:17.600
It just seems that everyone else has their life together, and you're just so happy to talk about it in front of them.
00:07:17.920 --> 00:07:21.920
And maybe once upon a time you even said, Why can't you do what they did?
00:07:22.079 --> 00:07:24.959
You're just as smart, even more talented.
00:07:25.279 --> 00:07:30.959
The constant comparison is killing their already annihilated self-confidence.
00:07:31.120 --> 00:07:32.800
Here's what they're thinking.
00:07:33.040 --> 00:07:35.839
I'm not good enough in my parents' eyes.
00:07:36.000 --> 00:07:37.680
I've disappointed them.
00:07:37.920 --> 00:07:39.920
I'm too far behind now.
00:07:40.399 --> 00:07:42.399
Maybe I'm just not capable.
00:07:42.879 --> 00:07:52.319
Research has found that there is a connection between perceived parental expectations and negative self-evaluation in young adults.
00:07:52.639 --> 00:08:04.639
So please pay attention to yourself and what you're saying because your son or daughter is painfully aware of what you think and it keeps them exactly where they are.
00:08:05.279 --> 00:08:10.879
Number four, doing nothing doesn't mean they want to do nothing.
00:08:11.120 --> 00:08:15.360
I really want you to understand this because I think it'll give you hope.
00:08:15.600 --> 00:08:20.240
There are reasons why your young adult isn't doing anything with their life.
00:08:20.560 --> 00:08:23.600
First, they're terrified of failing.
00:08:23.920 --> 00:08:31.199
Research shows that fear of failure can actually stop young adults from taking action toward their future.
00:08:31.519 --> 00:08:40.399
But when they believe they're capable of figuring things out, they're much more likely to make plans and take the steps to move forward.
00:08:40.720 --> 00:08:46.799
So what looks like I don't care may actually be, what if I fail?
00:08:47.200 --> 00:08:53.200
Another reason is that many don't have the knowledge or skills they need to know how to move forward.
00:08:53.440 --> 00:08:58.240
So what looks like laziness is really, I don't know how to do this.
00:08:58.799 --> 00:09:10.879
Putting these two reasons together, if you're afraid you're going to fail and you don't know what steps to take to move forward, well, doing nothing is safer than risking rejection in the world.
00:09:11.039 --> 00:09:14.480
That's very different from not wanting a future.
00:09:14.799 --> 00:09:22.480
They need to develop the knowledge, skills, and confidence to believe that they can actually handle what to do next.
00:09:22.720 --> 00:09:25.519
Your adult child may really want a job.
00:09:25.759 --> 00:09:29.679
They may yearn for independence, a place of their own.
00:09:30.000 --> 00:09:37.440
But wanting a future and believing that they can navigate the steps to getting there are very different things.
00:09:37.759 --> 00:09:42.720
I'm telling you, doing nothing is not what they really want.
00:09:43.679 --> 00:09:47.440
Number five, they don't want less of you.
00:09:47.679 --> 00:09:50.639
They want a different relationship with you.
00:09:51.120 --> 00:09:58.960
This might be one of the most surprising things I've learned from talking to young adults, especially because it goes against what many parents believe.
00:09:59.200 --> 00:10:01.279
They don't want you out of their lives.
00:10:01.519 --> 00:10:07.120
Even though you think they do because you feel so shut out, you're not actually reading the room.
00:10:07.440 --> 00:10:16.879
I know, it's hard not to be offended by their quiet moods, their desire to be alone, their lack of interest to join you when you visit family or friends.
00:10:17.039 --> 00:10:21.279
No matter how often you say to them, oh, but they love seeing you.
00:10:21.600 --> 00:10:26.879
Even with all that going on, they really do want a connection with you.
00:10:27.120 --> 00:10:29.440
They want to talk to you freely.
00:10:29.759 --> 00:10:32.159
They want you to know their interests.
00:10:32.399 --> 00:10:36.879
They want you to care about who they are, not just what they're doing.
00:10:37.200 --> 00:10:40.639
Being an adult doesn't mean they stop needing you.
00:10:40.879 --> 00:10:43.440
It means they need you differently.
00:10:43.679 --> 00:10:46.320
And they don't know how to tell you that.
00:10:47.120 --> 00:10:56.159
Research shows that while young adults are developing greater independence, they continue to value connection and support from their parents.
00:10:56.399 --> 00:11:03.279
The goal isn't to choose between connection and independence, healthy development requires both.
00:11:03.519 --> 00:11:10.240
So if you think your adult child has pulled away, it doesn't necessarily mean I don't want you anymore.
00:11:10.480 --> 00:11:14.960
Sometimes it means I need you to relate to me differently.
00:11:15.200 --> 00:11:23.360
The other day I was talking to a parent who told me her daughter was always angry with her because she often wouldn't acknowledge her when she came into the house.
00:11:23.519 --> 00:11:34.559
But when I talked to the daughter, she told me she just needed her quiet time at the end of the day, that she didn't always feel chatty, and that it had nothing to do with her mom.
00:11:34.799 --> 00:11:36.879
Now that's an important distinction.
00:11:37.120 --> 00:11:47.360
Sometimes we interpret our adult child's behavior through the lens of our own ego, when in fact their behavior may have very little to do with us.
00:11:47.840 --> 00:11:56.320
Your job now is to become the kind of parent that your adult child can have a healthy adult relationship with.
00:11:56.639 --> 00:12:02.159
For some, that may take a bit of time, especially if there's been some past challenges.
00:12:02.480 --> 00:12:06.639
But adult children can be very forgiving towards their parents.
00:12:06.799 --> 00:12:10.320
They just want to know that you care enough to try.
00:12:10.639 --> 00:12:17.600
So can you put aside your ego and your expectations and be open to this new adult relationship?
00:12:17.919 --> 00:12:19.360
Because they want to.
00:12:21.440 --> 00:12:24.480
That's why I love talking to parents and their young adults.
00:12:24.639 --> 00:12:26.399
I get to hear both versions.
00:12:26.639 --> 00:12:29.600
In fact, I wish you could hear what I hear.
00:12:29.919 --> 00:12:32.240
Truth is, you could hear.
00:12:32.480 --> 00:12:35.120
If only you weren't afraid to ask.
00:12:35.440 --> 00:12:37.200
Or you knew how.
00:12:37.519 --> 00:12:43.840
You know, I wrote launch scripts to help parents turn uncomfortable conversations into more meaningful ones.
00:12:44.000 --> 00:12:47.360
And with practice, it really does get easier.
00:12:47.600 --> 00:13:01.679
Of course, it's always difficult to hear when they've been hurt, or when the version of themselves is not in alignment with your expectations, but that permission to share is exactly what they need from you.
00:13:02.000 --> 00:13:06.799
As I wrap up this episode, I hope that there's something here that you can take away.
00:13:07.039 --> 00:13:14.480
You know your adult child is struggling, but I don't want you to be in the dark about what's really going on beneath the surface.
00:13:14.720 --> 00:13:19.200
I think they do want a relationship with you, just a different one.
00:13:19.440 --> 00:13:26.639
And that relationship can be one of the most powerful influences in helping them find their way out into the world.
00:13:26.879 --> 00:13:32.720
As much as I enjoy working with young adults, even I can't do this without you.
00:13:32.960 --> 00:13:35.200
So imagine how they feel.
00:13:36.080 --> 00:13:47.360
If you enjoy listening to Launch, please take a moment to rate and review the podcast, as it will help us reach more parents just like you who are trying to help their adult kids launch.
00:13:47.600 --> 00:13:54.720
Remember to hit the follow button so you never miss an episode, especially because the next one is with the esteemed Dr.
00:13:54.879 --> 00:14:00.080
Mark McConville, the author of the groundbreaking book Failure to Launch.
00:14:00.320 --> 00:14:03.679
And as always, thank you for joining me.
00:14:03.919 --> 00:14:06.559
Maybe one day we'll have the pleasure of meeting.
00:14:06.799 --> 00:14:11.360
Until then, I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:09.519
I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, the podcast for parents with older kids in their 20s and 30s who are struggling to move forward.
00:00:09.839 --> 00:00:16.879
Each week, my guests and I talk about the issues that parents like yourself are having with their adult children.
00:00:17.039 --> 00:00:28.480
And although I wish I could tell you what to do to get them through this stage quickly, it is not an easy process and certainly not something you thought you'd be doing at this stage of your life.
00:00:28.640 --> 00:00:30.079
Yet here you are.
00:00:30.320 --> 00:00:33.439
So be patient with them, but do not give up.
00:00:33.679 --> 00:00:35.600
They really do need you.
00:00:35.840 --> 00:00:39.200
And that's what today's episode is all about.
00:00:39.679 --> 00:00:43.359
I've spent a lot of time talking to parents about their adult children.
00:00:43.600 --> 00:00:45.280
I hear the frustration.
00:00:45.520 --> 00:00:46.880
I hear the worry.
00:00:47.119 --> 00:00:51.679
In fact, I hear the same questions and concerns over and over again.
00:00:52.079 --> 00:00:53.679
Why won't they get a job?
00:00:53.920 --> 00:00:55.759
Why can't they figure this out?
00:00:56.000 --> 00:00:57.679
I can't motivate them.
00:00:57.920 --> 00:01:00.640
I've tried everything and nothing works.
00:01:00.880 --> 00:01:02.880
What am I supposed to do?
00:01:03.200 --> 00:01:04.879
That's how parents feel.
00:01:05.040 --> 00:01:08.560
But I've also had conversations with the young adults themselves.
00:01:08.799 --> 00:01:15.359
And when I hear what they have to say, I see the same situation, but very differently.
00:01:15.599 --> 00:01:21.040
Because there are things that these young adults are telling me that they are not saying to their parents.
00:01:21.200 --> 00:01:27.040
And after having enough of these conversations, I've come to some pretty strong conclusions.
00:01:27.280 --> 00:01:35.439
So today I'm going to share the top five things I've learned from talking to young adults, and I know that I'm only scratching the surface.
00:01:35.599 --> 00:01:39.439
Maybe yours has more to say or something I haven't heard yet.
00:01:39.599 --> 00:01:42.560
If you want to set up a call, just reach out to me.
00:01:42.799 --> 00:01:46.239
But here's the thing: they have to want to.
00:01:46.640 --> 00:01:53.920
Even if they're just a little curious, because this work of change and growth is a family project.
00:01:54.159 --> 00:01:56.239
They didn't get here on their own.
00:01:56.480 --> 00:01:58.640
It was a team effort.
00:01:58.959 --> 00:02:01.280
Consider it like a potato sack race.
00:02:01.519 --> 00:02:04.000
But your partner is your adult child.
00:02:04.239 --> 00:02:07.680
You're in this together, but not in sync.
00:02:07.840 --> 00:02:15.439
So you're tripping and falling all over each other, not living together harmoniously and certainly not moving forward.
00:02:15.759 --> 00:02:16.400
Why?
00:02:16.879 --> 00:02:22.400
Because you're not connecting and not communicating, even if you think you are.
00:02:22.719 --> 00:02:25.520
Your approach is just not working.
00:02:25.759 --> 00:02:27.680
They are not hearing you.
00:02:28.000 --> 00:02:30.800
Or maybe you're not hearing them.
00:02:31.120 --> 00:02:37.360
You see, I believe that if you knew what they were really thinking, that you would be able to help them.
00:02:37.599 --> 00:02:43.599
So I'll tell you what I've learned from talking to young adults, and hopefully this will help.
00:02:43.840 --> 00:02:53.199
Now, some of these might surprise you, some might hit home, and maybe there's one that might completely change the way you look at your own adult child.
00:02:53.360 --> 00:02:54.639
So let's begin.
00:02:54.879 --> 00:03:01.199
Number one, they are not telling you what they're really thinking, feeling, or wanting.
00:03:01.520 --> 00:03:08.400
When I talk to young adults, I hear things their parents don't know because at some point they have stopped talking to them.
00:03:08.639 --> 00:03:11.039
My brother did this when he was a young adult.
00:03:11.280 --> 00:03:24.879
He shut down, he closed himself off because he felt that what he wanted wasn't aligned with what everyone else around him was doing, and certainly not what he thought my mother wanted to hear.
00:03:25.120 --> 00:03:33.680
When your adult child gives you one-word answers or says, I don't know, it's easy to think that they don't care or they're being rude.
00:03:34.000 --> 00:03:38.639
But I promise you, the silence is telling you something else.
00:03:38.879 --> 00:03:43.840
You know, when you get into a fight with your spouse, do you always feel like talking about it?
00:03:44.080 --> 00:03:46.560
Or do you ever just think, what's the point?
00:03:46.800 --> 00:03:51.280
They won't listen anyway, and I'll just create more problems for myself.
00:03:51.520 --> 00:03:53.360
Well, that's how your adult feels.
00:03:53.599 --> 00:04:04.800
That so many conversations will lead to criticism, disappointment, arguments, lectures, comparisons, or an attempt to fix the problem.
00:04:05.280 --> 00:04:07.280
So they stop talking.
00:04:07.520 --> 00:04:12.719
But when I ask them questions, I don't voice an opinion or express judgment.
00:04:12.879 --> 00:04:14.159
I just listen.
00:04:14.800 --> 00:04:21.920
If your adult child has stopped sharing what's really going on in their life, that's telling you something.
00:04:22.160 --> 00:04:24.800
What are they withholding and why?
00:04:25.120 --> 00:04:38.639
So instead of wondering why won't my adult child talk to me, the better question is, what has happened between us that makes staying silent feel easier than opening up to me?
00:04:38.879 --> 00:04:46.879
And then ask yourself, what can I do to make it feel safe for them to tell me what's really going on?
00:04:47.120 --> 00:04:53.519
Number two, they may not know what they want, but they certainly know what you expect.
00:04:54.319 --> 00:05:03.279
Sometimes the problem isn't that they don't have any direction, it's that they don't believe their direction will be acceptable to you.
00:05:03.839 --> 00:05:08.879
Recently I asked a young male why he won't just take an hourly job for now.
00:05:09.040 --> 00:05:11.920
And he didn't say because I don't want to.
00:05:12.240 --> 00:05:15.519
He said my dad would never accept that.
00:05:15.759 --> 00:05:24.079
There's a difference between I don't know what I want to do and it doesn't matter what I want, I just know it's not what my parents want for me.
00:05:24.399 --> 00:05:27.920
Now you might be thinking, that is absolutely not true.
00:05:28.079 --> 00:05:30.160
I'd be happy if they did anything.
00:05:30.480 --> 00:05:32.639
But has that always been the case?
00:05:32.879 --> 00:05:35.519
Or is that just what it's come down to?
00:05:36.000 --> 00:05:47.199
Because even when you say to them, I don't care what you do, just do something, they actually don't believe you because of all the years you spent expecting more from them.
00:05:47.600 --> 00:05:49.360
They're conditioned now.
00:05:49.759 --> 00:05:55.360
They still believe that you'll be disappointed and they just can't deal with that.
00:05:55.759 --> 00:06:03.600
Feelings of shame and the fear of doing something that you don't approve of keeps them completely inactive.
00:06:04.079 --> 00:06:10.800
Number three, they hear your comparisons and it makes them feel like shit.
00:06:11.040 --> 00:06:13.360
Now this one hurts me when I hear it.
00:06:13.519 --> 00:06:17.120
They never come right out and say it because they have too much pride.
00:06:17.279 --> 00:06:21.360
But it's often in this one response to a question I ask.
00:06:21.600 --> 00:06:23.439
Tell me about your siblings.
00:06:23.680 --> 00:06:29.839
Well, I might as well say, so tell me about your perfectly thriving, accomplished, successful siblings.
00:06:30.399 --> 00:06:33.759
Yes, they hear you bragging to your friends.
00:06:34.000 --> 00:06:39.279
They hear you on the phone with family, you're oozing and gushing with pride.
00:06:39.519 --> 00:06:46.000
They might be happy for their brother or sister, but after a while, it's hard not to resent them.
00:06:46.319 --> 00:06:48.399
Things just seem easier.
00:06:48.639 --> 00:06:51.279
They just have that personality.
00:06:51.519 --> 00:06:52.720
And I get it.
00:06:53.040 --> 00:06:58.319
You need this win in your life as a parent, so you don't always feel like you're failing.
00:06:58.560 --> 00:07:02.560
But the adult child who is struggling is listening.
00:07:02.879 --> 00:07:09.519
They also hear you talking about your friend's kid who landed a great job or their cousin who bought a house.
00:07:09.759 --> 00:07:17.600
It just seems that everyone else has their life together, and you're just so happy to talk about it in front of them.
00:07:17.920 --> 00:07:21.920
And maybe once upon a time you even said, Why can't you do what they did?
00:07:22.079 --> 00:07:24.959
You're just as smart, even more talented.
00:07:25.279 --> 00:07:30.959
The constant comparison is killing their already annihilated self-confidence.
00:07:31.120 --> 00:07:32.800
Here's what they're thinking.
00:07:33.040 --> 00:07:35.839
I'm not good enough in my parents' eyes.
00:07:36.000 --> 00:07:37.680
I've disappointed them.
00:07:37.920 --> 00:07:39.920
I'm too far behind now.
00:07:40.399 --> 00:07:42.399
Maybe I'm just not capable.
00:07:42.879 --> 00:07:52.319
Research has found that there is a connection between perceived parental expectations and negative self-evaluation in young adults.
00:07:52.639 --> 00:08:04.639
So please pay attention to yourself and what you're saying because your son or daughter is painfully aware of what you think and it keeps them exactly where they are.
00:08:05.279 --> 00:08:10.879
Number four, doing nothing doesn't mean they want to do nothing.
00:08:11.120 --> 00:08:15.360
I really want you to understand this because I think it'll give you hope.
00:08:15.600 --> 00:08:20.240
There are reasons why your young adult isn't doing anything with their life.
00:08:20.560 --> 00:08:23.600
First, they're terrified of failing.
00:08:23.920 --> 00:08:31.199
Research shows that fear of failure can actually stop young adults from taking action toward their future.
00:08:31.519 --> 00:08:40.399
But when they believe they're capable of figuring things out, they're much more likely to make plans and take the steps to move forward.
00:08:40.720 --> 00:08:46.799
So what looks like I don't care may actually be, what if I fail?
00:08:47.200 --> 00:08:53.200
Another reason is that many don't have the knowledge or skills they need to know how to move forward.
00:08:53.440 --> 00:08:58.240
So what looks like laziness is really, I don't know how to do this.
00:08:58.799 --> 00:09:10.879
Putting these two reasons together, if you're afraid you're going to fail and you don't know what steps to take to move forward, well, doing nothing is safer than risking rejection in the world.
00:09:11.039 --> 00:09:14.480
That's very different from not wanting a future.
00:09:14.799 --> 00:09:22.480
They need to develop the knowledge, skills, and confidence to believe that they can actually handle what to do next.
00:09:22.720 --> 00:09:25.519
Your adult child may really want a job.
00:09:25.759 --> 00:09:29.679
They may yearn for independence, a place of their own.
00:09:30.000 --> 00:09:37.440
But wanting a future and believing that they can navigate the steps to getting there are very different things.
00:09:37.759 --> 00:09:42.720
I'm telling you, doing nothing is not what they really want.
00:09:43.679 --> 00:09:47.440
Number five, they don't want less of you.
00:09:47.679 --> 00:09:50.639
They want a different relationship with you.
00:09:51.120 --> 00:09:58.960
This might be one of the most surprising things I've learned from talking to young adults, especially because it goes against what many parents believe.
00:09:59.200 --> 00:10:01.279
They don't want you out of their lives.
00:10:01.519 --> 00:10:07.120
Even though you think they do because you feel so shut out, you're not actually reading the room.
00:10:07.440 --> 00:10:16.879
I know, it's hard not to be offended by their quiet moods, their desire to be alone, their lack of interest to join you when you visit family or friends.
00:10:17.039 --> 00:10:21.279
No matter how often you say to them, oh, but they love seeing you.
00:10:21.600 --> 00:10:26.879
Even with all that going on, they really do want a connection with you.
00:10:27.120 --> 00:10:29.440
They want to talk to you freely.
00:10:29.759 --> 00:10:32.159
They want you to know their interests.
00:10:32.399 --> 00:10:36.879
They want you to care about who they are, not just what they're doing.
00:10:37.200 --> 00:10:40.639
Being an adult doesn't mean they stop needing you.
00:10:40.879 --> 00:10:43.440
It means they need you differently.
00:10:43.679 --> 00:10:46.320
And they don't know how to tell you that.
00:10:47.120 --> 00:10:56.159
Research shows that while young adults are developing greater independence, they continue to value connection and support from their parents.
00:10:56.399 --> 00:11:03.279
The goal isn't to choose between connection and independence, healthy development requires both.
00:11:03.519 --> 00:11:10.240
So if you think your adult child has pulled away, it doesn't necessarily mean I don't want you anymore.
00:11:10.480 --> 00:11:14.960
Sometimes it means I need you to relate to me differently.
00:11:15.200 --> 00:11:23.360
The other day I was talking to a parent who told me her daughter was always angry with her because she often wouldn't acknowledge her when she came into the house.
00:11:23.519 --> 00:11:34.559
But when I talked to the daughter, she told me she just needed her quiet time at the end of the day, that she didn't always feel chatty, and that it had nothing to do with her mom.
00:11:34.799 --> 00:11:36.879
Now that's an important distinction.
00:11:37.120 --> 00:11:47.360
Sometimes we interpret our adult child's behavior through the lens of our own ego, when in fact their behavior may have very little to do with us.
00:11:47.840 --> 00:11:56.320
Your job now is to become the kind of parent that your adult child can have a healthy adult relationship with.
00:11:56.639 --> 00:12:02.159
For some, that may take a bit of time, especially if there's been some past challenges.
00:12:02.480 --> 00:12:06.639
But adult children can be very forgiving towards their parents.
00:12:06.799 --> 00:12:10.320
They just want to know that you care enough to try.
00:12:10.639 --> 00:12:17.600
So can you put aside your ego and your expectations and be open to this new adult relationship?
00:12:17.919 --> 00:12:19.360
Because they want to.
00:12:21.440 --> 00:12:24.480
That's why I love talking to parents and their young adults.
00:12:24.639 --> 00:12:26.399
I get to hear both versions.
00:12:26.639 --> 00:12:29.600
In fact, I wish you could hear what I hear.
00:12:29.919 --> 00:12:32.240
Truth is, you could hear.
00:12:32.480 --> 00:12:35.120
If only you weren't afraid to ask.
00:12:35.440 --> 00:12:37.200
Or you knew how.
00:12:37.519 --> 00:12:43.840
You know, I wrote launch scripts to help parents turn uncomfortable conversations into more meaningful ones.
00:12:44.000 --> 00:12:47.360
And with practice, it really does get easier.
00:12:47.600 --> 00:13:01.679
Of course, it's always difficult to hear when they've been hurt, or when the version of themselves is not in alignment with your expectations, but that permission to share is exactly what they need from you.
00:13:02.000 --> 00:13:06.799
As I wrap up this episode, I hope that there's something here that you can take away.
00:13:07.039 --> 00:13:14.480
You know your adult child is struggling, but I don't want you to be in the dark about what's really going on beneath the surface.
00:13:14.720 --> 00:13:19.200
I think they do want a relationship with you, just a different one.
00:13:19.440 --> 00:13:26.639
And that relationship can be one of the most powerful influences in helping them find their way out into the world.
00:13:26.879 --> 00:13:32.720
As much as I enjoy working with young adults, even I can't do this without you.
00:13:32.960 --> 00:13:35.200
So imagine how they feel.
00:13:36.080 --> 00:13:47.360
If you enjoy listening to Launch, please take a moment to rate and review the podcast, as it will help us reach more parents just like you who are trying to help their adult kids launch.
00:13:47.600 --> 00:13:54.720
Remember to hit the follow button so you never miss an episode, especially because the next one is with the esteemed Dr.
00:13:54.879 --> 00:14:00.080
Mark McConville, the author of the groundbreaking book Failure to Launch.
00:14:00.320 --> 00:14:03.679
And as always, thank you for joining me.
00:14:03.919 --> 00:14:06.559
Maybe one day we'll have the pleasure of meeting.
00:14:06.799 --> 00:14:11.360
Until then, I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
