The Choice Most Leaders Never Make — And Why Stress Keeps Winning

Seema Desai: I'm Dr. Sima Desai, and this is the joy first method, where high achievers stop white knuckling their way forward and start building something that's actually theirs. Let's get to it. I remember it like it was yesterday. It's 2004, and I am in the very cold basement of the dental and medical school. And in front of me is a cadaver. We're at that point in dental school where we're dissecting human bodies and we're learning all about the anatomy and the physiology of humans. And I'm holding. This thick nerve in my left palm. And my attending physician is grilling me on what the nerve is, what it does, what it's responsible for. And I remember it because I think back to that moment. Have you ever had a moment where it's like something's happening and you're like, I know this is important and I know I'm gonna log this away deep in my soul's memory, but I I don't know why. That was one of those moments. Because what I didn't realize was while I was spouting off all the right answers, yes, this is the tenth cranial nerve. The vagus nerve. It's the longest nerve in the body. It's part of the parasympathetic nervous system, primarily responsible for heart rate, respiration, digestion, resting, restoring, healing. I didn't understand what it meant to practically apply that knowledge and how critical it is for us to understand that knowledge, especially as high performers, as people who make high-stakes decisions. And You know, I don't know if things have changed much in medical and dental school since I was there. It's been a minute. So I don't want to speak for things that are as if they're true now. They may not be. But I feel like the vagus nerve and ⁓ understanding what that is and what that does for us is something that was really, really fundamentally missing from our training. So if you're not in medicine, this is still relevant. Here's why. The vagus nerve is definitely something that's affected when you feel stress. Anytime you feel stress, anytime you feel snappy, short, anxious, guilt, blame, shame, frustration, the vagus nerve is at play. So The the gist of it is, is I wanted to talk about this missing piece, stress and its role in the body and what happens when things are working and we're actually using our parasympathetic nervous system, our ver vagus nerve, versus when we're not. So, you know, stress is something that we all carry, right? Somebody cuts us off in traffic. That's one way we might experience stress. Or when we are negotiating with one of our kids to Take a shower or remember to turn off the lights. Or when we're worried about that email that we sent off, maybe we're worried, did that person take that the wrong way? What if what if they take offense to that? Or what if this decision that I made didn't work out? What if I picked the wrong career? what if I don't take this promotion? These are all things, all ways that we experience stress in life, right? We have health scares, we have disagreements with family members, ⁓ with work people. All sorts of things. When stress becomes such an ingrained part of how we live, I mean, just take a look around. We the the falsity that we're told is that success means that you have to work hard. Stress is just a part of it. And if you didn't earn it by bleeding, screaming, and crying, it's not really success, right? That and we're we're moving it this the like faster, faster than we're wired to do. Emails, notifications. All of these things are ways that we induce stress into our lives. We allow stress into our lives. Some of it we have control over, some of it we don't. But when we can understand what stress is actually doing for us and the role that we can actively take to soften the edge and in some cases eliminate that role of stress, that's where we find expanse. That's where we find joy. So let's talk about stress and the vagus nerve. Because there's a lot happening at different levels at the same time, on an individual level and on a systemic or a societal level at the group level. Psychologically, when we get stressed, our critical thinking skills go offline. We tend to fall to very black and white thinking, very judgmental thinking. And that looks like I'll be happy when, if X condition is true, then I will be safe, happy, in control, whatever it may be. I like this, I don't like this. This person is a good person, this person is a bad person. I feel valued, I don't feel valued. I feel safe, I don't feel safe. Those are things that are very black and white. And the thing is, you and I have enough lived experience to know life isn't black and white. There's so many shades between black and white that we often forget that. And in fact, we're not able to see those shades, those nuances when we are stressed. Which is why I spent the first couple of episodes asking you guys to cultivate a awareness for what are situations that stress you out. Because it's from that awareness that we can start to create insights and allow ourselves to think about things differently and do things differently. Yeah. So psychologically, our critical thinking skills have gone offline. We fall to black and white thinking, which just isn't an accurate way. It's not an accurate reflection reflection of the truth. It's a truth, but it's not the truth. It's not the whole truth. And physiologically, those thoughts that are circulating in our brain set off a chemical cocktail of stress hormones. So our bodies are primed and wired to react, which is great when you're under threat. This stress response from the sympathetic nervous system. Is an evolved response. It's actually why you and I are alive. Our ancestors used this response to keep them safe. It was important for them to understand whether what they were looking at was a stick or a snake, whether the rustling behind the tree was a tiger or the wind. But unlike our ancestors, our threats are not life or death every day, but our bodies are still reacting as if our lives are on the line, right? So every time you get cut off in traffic, every time your kids don't listen to you, every time you aren't getting a response from somebody that you need a response from, when you're passed over for a promotion or you're being asked to do more with less, those are all stress responses. None of them are life and death. None of them. But they feel very serious in the moment. Of course they do. That's just biology, that's just nature. This chemical cocktail, we're literally bathing. Our cells are swimming in this chemical cocktail. And that's what they get accustomed to. This is what be starts to feel normal. This is why overdrive so easily gets confused with ambition, is because it's just become normal. So the thing is with the stress response physiologically, it is designed to create such dis-ease that. It drives a behavior change, right? We we fight, we flee, we fawn, something of those sorts. That's great if what you're looking to do is save your own life. But in these non-life or death situations that we're treating as life or death, that's not helpful. And in fact, it becomes chronic. That acute sense of disease that was meant to be protective when overused, much like a muscle that you continue to overwork and then subsequently tear or damage, that's what happens. That chronic dis-ease becomes disease. And We are sicker than ever, despite having all of these advances in medicine for lots of reasons. That is beyond the scope of today's conversation. But we have so much disease within our population, whether that's hormone dysregulation, sleep issues, weight issues, cardiovascular issues, autoimmune issues. We are sicker than ever. And it's starting to affect us at younger and younger ages. Physiologically, that's what's happening when we're stressed. Spiritually, there's a whole other level of what's what what is happening. But before I get to spirituality, The vagus nerve. I talked about that at the beginning. So you may be going, okay, so what what does stress and the vagus nerve have to do with anything? The vagus nerve is the other side of the coin, if you will. It's the parasympathetic nervous system. The vagus nerve is when that nerve is active, when we are using that neural pathway, that is what calms us down. That is what softens that sharp edge of stress. That is what allows us to be. Present in the moment mentally and physically is when we learn to use that vagus nerve. Okay. So we've got psychological, we've got physiologic, spiritually, here's what's happening. We all are spiritual beings. We all have this beautiful divine soul that's a gift of creation. Our bodies are not our bodies, our personalities, our thoughts, those are not. Who we actually are as divine beings. It's like a costume, if you will. Our souls are this beautiful, bright inner light. And what is happening when we're stressed is our egos eclipse that inner light. And that ego is what is responsible for the judgment, the need to control or impress or make people be okay with people please, those sorts of things. It is all ego at play. Now, the ego is not all bad. Without the ego, we would not be human. Okay. We would all be, first of all, much more realized and probably not listening to this podcast. But for the sake of the scope of the show today, it's important for us to just remember that when we are stressed, what we forget is that we are divine spiritual beings. And we falsely identify with what the ego wants us to believe. The ego is also what is celebrated in the external world around us. This, what did you produce? How much how efficient were you? What is your title? What is your material wealth? What is what are the responsibilities you have? What, you know, all of those things. We falsely identify with the roles and the rules and the relationships as being true instead of the fact that we are inherently divine, joyful, peaceful, loving. Creations. And that false identification leads to not only a fracture in identity, but it also leads us down this path of I'll be happy when, pursuing happiness and stress. So that's just on the individual level. Now, you've all been in a room where, like, say you're in a meeting and that one person walks in and they're always heavily critical. They're always poking holes in what people are trying to say and do. That negative energy just really takes the wind out of our sails, right? They're like a wet blanket almost. We've also been in rooms where, you know, you're at a party or you're, you know, you're at an event and there's a person that walks in and they are just the life of the party. They are so light. They're magnetic. They're charismatic and they're really truly comfortable with Who they are, and in they're really connected with their joy, right? We're we're pulled to them, we're attracted to them. They can really shift the energy of an entire room. And so if this is all just imagine what's happening for us all individually. And because of our mirror neurons in our brain and our wiring to mimic social behaviors and mirror social behaviors to stay safe. Then, you know, this is why one individual being dysregulated out of out of their nervous system, hyper hyperactive in their sympathetic mode and not actively using their vagal tone, their parasympathetic nerve, those people can really shift the energy. Just look at the world around us. We are all operating largely from a dysregulated nervous system. We're not connected to that parasympathetic nervous system. We're not using that vagus nerve. And the reason I can say that is so many of us are just feeling that need to be right, to prove, to outperform, to outdo, to impress. Very few of us are looking at situations and thinking very deeply, very curiously, leading with compassion, with empathy, with Creativity with connection. These words might start to sound familiar if you listen to the last episode. When we are in our joy, we don't have to be reminded of the divinity and of the beauty that is in every single moment of life. If we just choose to look for it, when we are connected to our joy, not only does our ego calm down, but our physiologic bodies. Respond. That is where we shift into being able to actually heal, to restore, to rest, to nourish. Even our digestive systems can only operate efficiently if our vagus nerve, our parasympathetic system, is what is primarily at play. That's where we can maximize the nutrients from our food. But if we're stressed all the time, we can't do that, right? From a mental perspective, when we're connected to our parasympathetic nervous system, now our critical thinking skills have come back online. We're able to approach with curiosity so that we can see things for all of the different shades that exist between black and white thinking. We're able to see other people's perspectives. We're able to see how we might have been incorrect. We are able to see how what assumptions we've been making and why those assumptions weren't. actually helpful in helping us move forward and making progress with the challenge at hand. So I just, you know, one of the things that I have worked on and what I found to be tremendously helpful both for myself and for c you know, when I do speaking engagements, when I coach clients one-on-one, even just in day-to-day conversations with family, is when I can tap into that parasympathetic nervous system through connection to self, through breath. That is a one of the most powerful ways we can access our parasympathetic nervous system. Quickly, easefully, no devices, no fancy apps, no subscriptions required. We're already breathing. So when we can slow down our breathing, become intentional with our breathing, we can literally shift out of that sympathetic nervous system. In my book, I call that our guard mode, and into our guide mode, our state of joy, our parasympathetic nervous system that allows us to lead from presence. So one of the ways to know, you know, the breath is really a great reflection of our stress levels. And it can tell us are we in our parasympathetic fight, flight, or freeze, or are we in that parasympathetic rest, restore, nurture state? If your breathing is shallow, if it's rapid, if it's irregular, those are all signs that you're operating from a straight state of stress. If it's more calm, more regular, deep. If it feels good, that is a is a huge sign that you're actually shifting into that state of calm, into that state of presence, into that state of joy. And you can even hear it in my voice, probably. I feel it in my body. Even the words that we use to describe a situation can have a market effect on how we perceive them and the energy that we feel. So the next time you are up against a challenge, just take note of your breath. Don't try to change it. Just notice it. Just observe it. And that observation in and of itself is so deeply powerful. It's deeply insightful because it gives you a clear answer as to where you are. I mentioned in a previous episode that it's like a GPS map, right? In order to get to where you're going, you have to actually accept where you are. And if you're in that state of stress, pushing those feelings away and just trying to barrel through and force your way through is not going to get you as far as if you were to actually just slow down. Find that power in the pause. Really feel your breath. And chances are You'll start to feel that ease. Every situation's different, every moment is different. And so the beauty of working with your breath or doing it using any of the three C's, really, the beauty of it is that you can start to make it your own. It's not, you don't have to have all the right answers. You have to just focus on what energy. Am I bringing to the moment right now? And what's next? All you have to do is what feels best in the na that in that next moment. You don't have to have all the answers. You don't have to calculate for every misstep, every thing that could go wrong. You don't have to perseverate over what people might say or think or do. Remember, those are external circumstances. They dictate just 10% of the equation. Every time we find power in the pause with our breath, we're taking it back. To that 90% that is in our control. So just try it. Whether you're if you're driving, definitely don't close your eyes. But just regardless of what you're doing, just take a moment right now. Take a breath. I invite you to feel what that's like. Take a deep hale, inhale in. Through your nose, let it out. And I'm gonna actually take this moment and do a couple of breaths because I feel like it would feel really, really good. So I invite you to do this. You don't have to, but just take a moment, take a gentle inhale through your nose. Out through your mouth. Do that a couple of more times, inhaling through the nose. Out. For me, it feels like landing on a soft cashmere throw, just so delicious and inviting and welcoming. The next time you're up against something, a challenge, you find your inner guard talking, your ego, your, you find your desire to assert control. Ask yourself what it would be like to just take a breath. Or maybe a couple more. And just let that intelligence that you already have inside you unlock. Let that joy unlock. Let that comfort, that ease unlock. The data is clear. When you are in that parasympathetic state, when you're using that vagus nerve, your outcomes are better without compromising anything. And the beauty of doing this is it's a neural pathway, it's just like a muscle. The more you practice it, the stronger it grows. It becomes less effortful and be and effortless. It shifts to being effortless. It becomes just second nature with more practice. So that is my offering today for you on the podcast The Joy First Method. I wish you all the power that you can reclaim for yourself in the many pauses that you hopefully will choose to take today and moving forward. And if today's episode resonated, I'd love to hear about it, guys. ⁓ I read every DM. I I read the emails that come through my inbox. So feel free, reach out. And until next time. Here's to you choosing your own joy. If something in today's episode landed for you, great, sit with it. And then share it. Send it to the founder who's running on fumes, the leader who's got everything and still feels like something's missing, the friend you keep meaning to check on. That's how this work travels, from person to person, the way real change always does. Follow the show so you never miss an episode. And if it's been valuable, leave a review. It helps more people find their way here. I'll see you next time.