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00:00:07.360Welcome to Islamic Life Code School Podcast.
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00:00:12.400Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful.
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00:00:13.759Now your host, Dr.
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00:00:15.039Kamal Akar.
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00:00:17.679Hello, hello, hello everyone.
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00:00:19.280Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
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00:00:26.800Alhamdulillah, I absolutely love today's topic because it makes my own life and my clients' life so much easier.
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00:00:31.440But as you might have noticed from the title, we're talking about shadow work.
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00:00:42.640So the topic has some dark vibes to it, but I will show you how this is an extremely important work towards your healing and how you can actually do this work while enjoying it.
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00:00:47.679The premise is that not only can shadow work be fun, it can be easy.
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00:00:54.560Your body will start to do the shadow work automatically without you spending too many intellectual resources.
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00:01:05.040So by definition, shadow work is the process of exploring and integrating the repressed, unconscious parts of your personality, often referred to as the shadow self.
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00:01:10.319And this is originating from the theories of the Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung.
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00:01:14.239It involves acknowledging your hidden fears and biases.
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00:01:20.560It involves acknowledging unhealed traumas to achieve greater self-awareness and emotional wholeness.
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00:01:27.120And you do all of this in spirit of preventing yourself from projecting your insecurities onto others and onto your life.
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00:01:54.079As soon as something from your shadow side comes up, like your insecurity about your body or your awareness of your scarcity mindset around money, if it's something you've worked through before, every time you do this work, there's a higher chance that your body will call you on it and stop you from spiraling down and projecting that insecurity onto your life or onto your confidence or even onto your relationships.
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00:02:03.599And it will remind you that it's safe for you to be in this space and it will provide you the safety that you're looking for to go through this healing process.
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00:02:08.080This is a beautiful function of your body, which is your subconscious mind.
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00:02:22.719In the beginning, if you need a professional to help you hold your space while you go through the healing of your insecurities, each subsequent time your body will remember the safety and it will allow you to hold space for yourself.
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00:02:33.360Your body begins to do the shadow work for you automatically, meaning your body is the subconscious mind that does things out of effort and memory, something that is familiar.
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00:02:47.120And since you have previously applied time, effort, and consciousness to clean up the shadow side beliefs, then the body will start to do it automatically, and it will require less and less energy each time.
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00:02:53.520What I'm saying is that yes, shadow work looks like a lot of work, and it is in the beginning.
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00:03:02.080And at the same time, it's very easy once you've started to do it, because the body gets recruited to do the work automatically.
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00:03:08.479It starts to remember the safety it felt when you previously addressed any painful memories.
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00:03:16.159So just like body stores the pain of the trauma, it also stores the feelings of safety and connection.
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00:03:23.919So in the background, while you continue to build your life and achieve your goals, it will help you do the work automatically.
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00:03:29.280I'm gonna give you my example and some generic examples to make this point more understandable.
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00:03:33.840One of my recruiting shadow themes is my desire for perfection.
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00:03:38.479Maybe it came from childhood or social expectations or wherever it came from.
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00:03:43.360It was growing and festering under my awareness and getting stronger and stronger each day.
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00:03:57.039So in the beginning of my healing journey through therapy coaching, not only did I realize that this is perfectionistic tendencies that are existing in me, I also saw how they're affecting my life and making it so difficult.
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00:04:02.719It was showing up in my parenting, in my life as a physician, and literally everything else.
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00:04:20.800I coached through it with help, someone else was able to hold space for it for me, while we safely explored how this does not mean anything inherent about me and that there are limiting beliefs that I have internalized over time, and we coached through this shadow side to come out of it.
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00:04:28.399This holding of space allowed me to examine it and create a different, more empowering relationship with my high standards.
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00:04:40.319Now my relationship to my perfectionism is that it is a lie that covers a very important value to me, that is in doing high quality work, and that perfection only belongs to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
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00:04:45.360I can strive and come close to perfection, but I might never quite achieve it.
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00:04:57.279I healed enough to believe that I can call my effort perfect and the outcome is also perfect as it relates to this world, as it relates to this world and us as mortal human beings.
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00:05:10.480Alhamdulillah, the success and the expansion of life I have created through this healing of my shadow side of perfectionism, that in itself is worth all the money and the time and the effort I spent in coaching.
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00:05:25.600Now every time when a perfectionist tendency shows up an area of my life, my body and my mind immediately alert me to it, so I can bring it to my attention and consciously move away from the lie it's trying to tell me.
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00:05:34.160The shadow side work of my perfectionist tendency has become much easier because now my body is recruited into making it automatic.
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00:05:47.199Currently I'm working on a book on mental health for Muslim women, and this perfectionistic tendency shows up as I write my book, along with my other shadow side beliefs to avoid being misunderstood.
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00:06:02.000When I started to write this book, the perfectionistic tendency showed up with telling me that I should be able to communicate the truth with such precision in this book that it should be impossible for anybody to misunderstand me.
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00:06:09.839That sounds noble on the surface, but the shadow almost always disguises itself as truth, as virtuous.
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00:06:17.519In my case, the shadow is the belief that I can explain something perfectly, so that people will receive it perfectly.
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00:06:28.639That creates an enormous amount of internal pressure because I start carrying responsibility not only for the quality of my work, but also for how other people will interpret it.
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00:06:43.920So what that looks like is that I'm sitting down to write what should take me one hour or so working on one chapter, one paragraph, or whatever my goal is, but I find myself hours later still refining the same exact idea, not moving any further.
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00:06:51.120If someone was watching from the outside, they would conclude that I'm very meticulous and intellectually rigorous.
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00:06:56.800What they won't see is that the internal conversation in my mind that's driving the behavior.
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00:07:00.160I'm not really just trying to make the paragraph clearer.
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00:07:06.639My mind is trying to eliminate every possible misunderstanding before anyone reads my work.
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00:07:28.079I begin imagining the reader who will take my words out of context, the person who will think I'm saying something unislamic when I'm really not, and the critic who will assume that I'm minimizing trauma when I'm actually trying to restore agency, and it makes me really afraid for that woman who will interpret my message as blame instead of empowerment.
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00:07:42.800And without realizing any of this, under my shadow side of perfectionism, I stop writing for the thousands of women I'm genuinely trying to serve and I start writing for that one hypothetical critic who may or may not exist.
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00:07:47.040Years ago this process would consume me without my recognition.
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00:07:51.519What I thought was that I was just being thorough with the process.
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00:07:57.040I thought I was pursuing excellence because excellence is something Islam encourages.
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00:08:16.959I couldn't see underneath all of these virtues was a pattern of my old belief that my worth was somehow tied to me getting it exactly right every time, and that the quality of my work was dependent on it not having any critic, which of course leads to me not having produced any book.
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00:08:20.319The shadow side is not that I want excellence.
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00:08:25.920The shadow is believing that perfection could protect me from being misunderstood.
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00:08:31.199Now, after having done this work, the body catches it much earlier than my mind does.
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00:08:38.480I notice that there's something very shallow in my breathing or there's some tightness or tension in my body that I'm holding.
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00:08:49.440And this shows up that instead of feeling excited about the idea that I'm writing a book, I begin feeling responsible for controlling every reaction another human being could hold.
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00:08:58.559Now, these bodily sensations become my invitation to pause because they tell me that I'm no longer creating from clarity.
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00:09:02.480They tell me that I'm stuck in perfectionism or self protection.
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00:09:07.759That is what I mean when I say that the body starts helping you to do your shadow work.
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00:09:14.480The body is so intelligent that it does not allow the shadow to stay in the unconscious any longer.
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00:09:20.960It doesn't resolve the pattern for me, but it does alert me to the pattern that has entered the room.
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00:09:34.080And once I recognize that signal, I can consciously decide whether I'm genuinely improving the work or if I'm trying to soothe an old insecurity by rewriting the same paragraph fifteen times.
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00:09:36.960More often than not, the body is right.
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00:09:46.080It reminds me that my responsibility is to communicate with sincerity, and my responsibility is not to control every single person's outcome.
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00:09:48.879So now let's move on to some generic examples.
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00:10:00.559Let's say you are an intelligent, educated working woman, but every time you see your mother, something gets triggered because you never really healed the effects of her criticism that she had on you.
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00:10:05.039So then now you start being on edge every time you're around her.
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00:10:18.399And if this dynamic is hidden, it's considered your shadow side, meaning you're not consciously aware why you're triggered, you don't know what the origin of all of this is, you just know that you feel uneasy or on the edge.
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00:10:24.240You don't like the way you feel, and you know something's wrong, but you might not be able to pinpoint it.
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00:10:46.799Your specific shadow work would involve bringing this into light, healing any sense of blame that you might be feeling, that again might be the result of childhood criticisms that you heard, softening the triggers around talking about the situation so that you can explore it safely, and allow somebody else to hold space for that if that's what you need in the beginning.
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00:11:02.799As long as that internalized insecurity that your mother's criticism made you falsely believe about yourself stays in the shadow side, meaning you're not even aware that it exists, that insecurity is going to show up in all matters of your life.
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00:11:06.799So when you decide to do this work, you will find it hard in the beginning.
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00:11:20.000It will be hard work to clean up all of that, to understand why you're believing your mom's criticism, you might have to heal through self-blame, you might have to heal through victimhood or externalization of the blame.
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00:11:34.480And while you're doing this hard work, in any good healing journey, you become more and more in touch with your body, your somatic sensations, and this is where your body gets recruited to do the future shadow work for you.
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00:11:46.879When you're making space for the discomfort and becoming familiar with the sensations of the discomfort that insecurity brings in your life, this awareness brings you closer to the ability to listen to your body.
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00:11:52.320And this communication with your body is what gets silenced as the after effect of trauma.
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00:12:03.919So when you are in communication with your body, when you can listen to it without shutting it down or without expanding it into further drama, then the body starts to tell you a lot of useful information.
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00:12:13.600Through this back and forth communication, you being in touch with your body next time any insecurity shows up becomes much easier for you to recognize.
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00:12:25.360Because let's say your boss didn't say good morning to you in the elevator and you start feeling like you've done something wrong, and your fear escalates to just about saying that you're about to get fired.
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00:12:31.600Your body will let you know that this might be your insecurity speaking, and you can gently correct it.
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00:12:34.879You said good morning to your boss, but she didn't reply back.
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00:12:40.480You allow yourself to believe that maybe she's having a bad day, or maybe she's busy.
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00:12:43.120She's planning a surprise party for you.
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00:12:49.039You can believe whatever you want just as long as you're conscious to your body's accused to it.
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00:12:57.200Your body reminded you that you're slipping into your shadow belief and you're allowed to correct that error without catastrophizing it.
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00:13:01.360The shadow belief disguises itself as something true.
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00:13:08.320Like my perfectionistic tendencies, it was telling me that it's something valuable, like my pursuit of excellence.
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00:13:17.200Or your mom's criticism will look like true because you have collected a lifetime of evidence of how you are not the best at what you do.
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00:13:31.679The same insecurity and poor confidence that you internalize growing up, when you see it showing up in another situation with practice, the body will make you aware of it and you will not listen to it immediately.
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00:13:40.399You will reject it as the shadow side because you will recognize it that it's your mind fear mongering based on your previous insecurity.
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00:13:51.600Now notice, same shadow work that was your burden before healing is now your GPS because your body is doing the work of informing you automatically.
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00:14:04.960When you go through enough of these cycles and heal enough aspects in your life, your body will start to do the shadow work for you, without you having to spend conscious effort into explaining every insecurity.
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00:14:14.720One warning that I want to tell you is that in these examples I simplified the story a lot because I wanted to explain to you linearly that's how the process works.
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00:14:19.279But of course, your individual experience might not be as linear, and that's okay.
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00:14:24.000What I wanted to do is explain it like this for the purposes of this demonstration.
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00:14:27.600The process is simple, but it is not easy.
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00:14:36.480And if as always this example doesn't resonate with you, insert your specific challenge into it and figure out how it applies to you.
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00:14:47.759It could be a scarcity mindset, it could be difficulty with infertility, it could be with a diagnosis, it could be fear of not having high enough faith and takwah all the time.
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00:14:51.679It could be a belief that all of your marriage prospects are just stupid people.
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00:15:00.879Whatever your challenge is inviting you to do, your shadow work is your perpetual gift, which is what you get at the end of this hard work.
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00:15:11.679The gift that keeps on giving as an outcome of doing this shadow work is that you become more in tune with your body, which makes any future work much easier to do.
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00:15:20.240The shadow work is the unconscious emotional contract that are limited beliefs that otherwise look like virtues.
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00:15:23.519Your mother's criticism is not the shadow.
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00:15:27.039My perfectionistic tendency is not the shadow.
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00:15:35.279The shadow is the meaning our younger self constructs in order to survive these criticisms and these tendencies.
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00:15:39.039Perhaps the meaning you made was I will never be enough.
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00:15:42.320Perhaps it was I have to earn approval.
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00:15:47.200Maybe you thought to yourself is someone is unhappy, I am unsafe.
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00:15:55.679And years later when your boss walks past you without saying good morning, you do not consciously retrieve the childhood belief.
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00:16:01.919Instead, your nervous system instantly applies the old meaning to a completely unrelated event.
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00:16:05.200That is what makes it shadow, the invisible.
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00:16:12.559You don't experience yourself interpreting the situation, you experience yourself as accurately perceiving reality.
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00:16:21.600This is why the body becomes so important, because it recognizes the familiar physiological signature of an old interpretation.
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00:16:32.159So the shadow is the unconscious meaning that your nervous system continues to assign to present day experiences based on some unresolved experiences of the past.
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00:16:40.000Most women think that they have to be afraid of their shadow because they believe somehow they will discover something very ugly about themselves.
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00:16:49.759They imagine that if they look deeply enough, they will uncover proof that they really are inadequate, or unlovable, or selfish, or arrogant, or broken.
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00:16:57.679The shadow becomes this dark basement that people refuse to enter because they're convinced that there is a monster living there.
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00:17:03.840But in my experience after coaching hundreds of women, that is almost never what they find.
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00:17:05.920What they find is not a monster.
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00:17:11.519What they find is a frightened younger version of themselves who believed a lie all this time.
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00:17:15.519Because at that time it was the only explanation her nervous system offered.
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00:17:18.720The shadow does not contain hidden truths.
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00:17:23.519It contains hidden conclusions, misunderstandings, if you will.
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00:17:26.480It contains just outdated predictions.
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00:17:29.599What you find is not an ultimate truth about yourself.
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00:17:31.519It's just another false belief.
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00:17:39.839The shadow is full of cognitive errors that your nervous system has repeated for so many years that now it feels like objective reality.
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00:17:44.079As a physician, my shadow was that I'm not good at what I do.
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00:17:48.799If I didn't correct it in time, my mind would build evidence for that.
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00:17:55.200And it would do it despite me passing my boards and residency and any other qualifications that are required.
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00:18:04.640And to counter that evidence that I am inadequate, I would be working really hard to prove this belief wrong and burning the candle from both ends.
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00:18:09.599This is why shadow work is actually much less frightening than people imagine.
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00:18:15.359You're not digging through your psyche hoping you don't discover that you're secretly defective.
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00:18:21.119You're uncovering the faulty code that your nervous system wrote maybe decades ago.
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00:18:26.720You're discovering lies like if someone is disappointed in me, I must have failed.
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00:18:30.000Or if I make a mistake, I lose my value.
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00:18:34.480If someone misunderstands me, I must not have written a good book.
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00:18:37.440This is why awareness is so liberating.
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00:18:42.400The moment your body makes a belief available to you, you can examine it.
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00:18:49.920You can compare it against your current life, and you can ask it whether it still deserves to run in the background.
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00:18:56.079So in summary, your shadow is not your anger, jealousy, anxiety, or insecurity.
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00:19:06.480The shadow is the hidden interpretation of your nervous system that it automatically assigns to present day events because of unresolved past experiences.
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00:19:13.519Human beings avoid doing shadow work because they're afraid they will uncover some horrible truth about themselves.
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00:19:20.319Instead, universally, what they discover is a faulty conclusion, an overgeneralization.
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00:19:30.000Healing changes your relationship with your body, which is the mechanism through which eventually your body makes shadow work much easier for you.
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00:19:36.880I always encourage you to recruit your body into the healing, which is what makes this work so enjoyable.
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00:19:44.400With that I pray to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, O Allah, bring into light every hidden belief that keeps me distant from you.
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00:19:48.880Ya Allah, bring me closer to the abundant life that you have written for me.
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00:19:59.359Replace my fears with truth, make my healing easy, my heart sincere, and let healing of every shadow become another step to get closer to you.
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00:20:00.880Amin Ya Rabullah.
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00:20:02.640Please keep me in your du'as.
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00:20:04.240I will talk to you guys next time.
