Side Questing - Long-term Romance (Issue 202)

Like a little honeybee, some of my friends flit from flower to flower, hoping that the next one will be “the perfect one.”

There’s always some reason they become unhappy with a partner, and it’s always that partner’s fault.

* They didn’t enjoy doing the same things.

* They weren’t adventurous enough.

* They wanted different things in life.

* They complained too much.

* Their sex drive was too low.

* The romance faded.

Here’s the thing. If you’re constantly getting divorced or breaking up with romantic partners and blaming the other person every time, maybe you should take a long, hard look in the mirror and then seek some therapy.

Spoiler alert: You might be the problem.

Keeping romance alive

My wife and I have been married for over 35 years. Magically, we’ve been able to keep the romance alive. Okay… it’s not magic. It’s not a happy accident or luck, either. It has required intentional effort not to take each other for granted and to realize how lucky we are.

Recently, she was away for over a week doing some ranch sitting and taking care of horses, a dog, a cat, and some chickens, too. Busy lady!

So, I was home alone and missing her like crazy. The other day, I went over for a visit to have some drinks on the patio, play with the dog, and catch up. I surprised her with some cookies I had baked for her and brought a bouquet of flowers.

It’s the little things that help keep our spark alive. Acts of love and care. Surprises. Things we know the other would enjoy. Seeing something, knowing they would like it, and sharing it with them.

I make her coffee every morning and usually make our breakfast, too. She is the dinner chef and makes wonderful meals. Sometimes we cook together.

We also make a point of going on a date every week. This started when our empty nest kicked in. We usually go on hikes. Sometimes we ski. Other times, it’s a day trip somewhere, getting some good sushi, or exploring new places.

In a couple of weeks, we’re going on our first cross-country road trip as a couple in almost 30 years! We took our children on lots of trips like that (e.g., visiting family, camping, etc.). But it’s been a long time since it’s just been the two of us in a car for days and days. I think it’s going to be a lot of fun!

Marry again?

As we get older, we sometimes talk about what we would do if something happened to one of us. We have a few friends and neighbors who have lost a long-term partner. They never remarried. We also know some people who lost a partner and remarried within a year. We know which path we would choose.

I’ll speak for myself. If I lost my wife, I would never get married again. I can’t imagine trying to introduce a new person into my life. Having someone new in my home? No thanks! I’m okay with having friends and doing things with other people, but the kind of long-term intimacy and friendship I’ve had with my wife could never exist again. I know that, and I would never dream of even trying.

The secret to a lasting relationship and the romance in that relationship is that you build it together. You construct it as a collaborative partnership. There is no magical person who magically sparks romance for you. It is in the effort itself!

So, when people expect romance and long-term love to be effortless when it’s “just right,” they are fooling themselves. When they think they can find true love if they can just find the right person, they are fooling themselves. Love is created, not found. Romance is an active process, not something that passively bubbles up.

It’s sad that people don’t think love, relationships, and romance should be work. Of course they are work! Humans are complex creatures. We experience joy and sadness, happiness and depression, peace and anxiety, love and hate. It is definitely work to ride those ups and downs as a couple. But the reward for that effort is so worth it!

My wife has known me for over 36 years. We’ve been through everything together. She is absolutely my best friend, and she knows me better than any other human being on the planet. My wife has seen me at my best and my worst, and she is still here! She has stuck by me as friends and family members come and go. We are the one stable thing in each other’s lives.

Why would you ever give up on the joy of having a lifelong friend, love, and partner like that? You don’t. So, put in the work!

If you ever want a confidential sounding board, I’m here for you. Book a free call anytime!

Larry Cornett, Ph.D. | Empowerment coach, psychologist, nature lover, and fitness freak. I help you escape the “hustle trap” to create an empowered life that fits who you are and what you want most. From Silicon Valley exec to self-employed entrepreneur, I’ve also followed this path to freedom, so now I can help others find their way.

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