Daniel Sterling: until I met this mentor of mine at 39, I had no sense of who I was. I was just reactive. and little volatile looking for affirmation in the world being that determined and invested in winning was not a healthy thing either. because I tortured myself really. I mean I was so driven. I am responsible for everything that is in within my power. My finances, my attitude, how I talk to people, my body language, my tone of voice.
Josh: Were there some beliefs about yourself that you were finally able to realize you've been operating from without ever really ex examining?
Damien: Donald Sterling is a writer and speaker who grew up in the wild west of Aspen, Colorado. He describes much of his early life as an over pursuit of accolades through professional ski racing, broadcasting, and screenwriting, an experience that eventually informed his first book, Hungry, a memoir of self-discovery, furthering of the soul, and evolution of the spirit. Later in life, with the aid of a mentor, Daniel began pursuing more examined and self-directed life, discovering a sense of purpose and meaning that would reframe his entire worldview. Now Daniel was working on his next book, focused on what it takes to raise boys into whole men. So Daniel, welcome to IN TV.
Daniel Sterling: Thank you very much, Damien and Josh. Great to be here.
Damien: Thanks for coming. you described your upbringing as being the best example of being a bad example. When you look back at it now, what do you think you were missing? Like what did you reach adulthood without having developed?
Daniel Sterling: So great question. so I I write honestly, I speak honestly. I mean, I there was a lot about my parents that I loved and appreciated, and they gave me a lot of freedom, but they frankly had their hands full. There was five kids and two cousins living with us in a ski lodge they were trying to run, and they were financially stressed a little bit. And so They allowed a brother, an older brother, to run roughshod over me. And so they didn't hear my cries for help. And so I found myself very much on my own from a very young age, trying to feed myself, being hungry in school, and trying to figure life out alone through trial and error. And I wouldn't wish that on anyone. So that that's sort of Best example being a bad example. So the second book I'm writing about raising boys into good men is it's like, look at my life and take an example from it and hopefully do better with, you know, your kids and girls and boys both. So yeah, I write from a very personal experience.
Josh: So when you had that very personal experience that you kinda grew up, what do you think you would have wanted to see done differently? What what kind of things would have changed things for you to kind of set you up better for yeah, life?
Daniel Sterling: Yes. So Love, affirmation, structure, talk to me, communicate, ask me what's going on, be engaged, give me a tutor when I'm struggling in math, for God's sake, or some help of some sort. so yeah, I a lot of that was missing, frankly. And so again, I had to, I was trying to figure all this out on my own from a very young age. So
Josh: Did anybody encourage you when you were young to examine yourself or examine things where you learned to eat later?
Daniel Sterling: No, no. There was that was not the sort of household that I grew up in. It was sort of a free-for-all. And, you know, we were all smart kids and my parents had faith that we would figure it out. And eventually we all did. But you know, there was there was some troubled aspects to all of us. And so yeah, I I write a lot about Raising, I'll just use a boy as an example. you know, if he's got love and affirmation and he's being talked to and not talked at. And he's given clear guidelines on what the parents' expectations of him are. He gets a lot of nurturing from his mother. He gets, you know, a firm hand from his father. He then goes out into the world. a young man much more in balance with these mas masculine and feminine energies. And so he's got a much better chance from an earlier age to find his place in the world. And he goes out into the world
Damien: Right.
Daniel Sterling: with a very good sense of himself. Whereas I'd had none of that and until I met this mentor of mine at 39, I had no sense of who I was. I was just reactive. and little volatile looking for affirmation in the world and that's not a good place to be frankly i wouldn't wish it on anyone i mean it was a it it it drove me to find a better way i was looking for meaning in this life and meaningful pursuit and Having to suffer through all that for 40 years, again, it was not an easy path. I mean, I wouldn't change anything. so when I met this mentor, I mean, she reframed everything for me. And I'm very grateful. Without her, I would still be in the same place, suffering without
Damien: Right.
Daniel Sterling: purpose, really, and wondering what is going on. You know, there's got to be a better way.
Damien: And I know you talk about her a lot and and I wanna get to that part. But first, I'm thinking about the culture that you grew up in. I mean, I know the home is, you know, the first teacher and that's that's where you're spending your most of your time. But I I'm more I'm interested around about the people who you grew up around. What kind of families did you see, like school of your friends, what kind of families did they have? was it similar to your home or was it something that you might have seen in in in their homes that you thought, Well, why am I not getting that in my home? Anything like that?
Daniel Sterling: very good question. So you gotta gotta think about Aspen, Colorado in the sixties. So sm very small town. I mean, it was eight thousand people. and I I joked that there was something in the water up there because there was a lot of angry men in that valley of ours, honestly.
Damien: wow.
Daniel Sterling: we had some teachers that were just tyrants and my friends' fathers, a lot of them were angry and drinkers and alcoholics. And so there was friends that I had that I avoided going to their house for that exact reason. So, There was a lot of financial stress in that valley at the time. And so I think that's, you know, and then we had a lot of the, you know, certain amount of wealthy people rolling through town. So the locals were a little disgruntled watching these people come through and with, you know, all this disposable income and we're all struggling. So it it's
Damien: Talking.
Daniel Sterling: it's a very interesting dynamic, these resort towns. I mean, I know it so well. And really nothing has changed because these locals are all scratching out this living in living in this beautiful place for the purpose of living there, but never getting ahead financially. So it it takes a toll.
Damien: Mm-hmm.
Daniel Sterling: And so there's a certain energy in these resort towns that I just can pick it up a mile away because I lived it.
Damien: Wow. Okay, so it sounds like there's like a similar type of there's a there's a vibe in in the town. They they kinda had a like a similar way of relating to each
Josh: Culture.
Damien: other, it seems like.
Daniel Sterling: Yeah, very much so. Well, we're all in the same struggle, and it was financial.
Josh: And so it's like a big culture where everybody is kind of centered around this whole resort town. Like does it is everybody is that how you got into racing? Is that how you got into skiing or how did that happen?
Daniel Sterling: Yeah. So my older brother was a ski racer, so it it was very much a part of still is very much part of that culture up there. So I write in this first book that I my memoir about I won my first ski race when I was eight years old and I was flooded with all these good chemicals and I thought, ooh, I like this, this is good.
Damien: Mm-hmm.
Daniel Sterling: So for the next 16 years I was possessed. really to win and achieve and get on the US ski team and and and so being that determined and invested in winning was not a healthy thing either. because I tortured myself really. I mean I was so driven. And so any time that I didn't ski fast or You know, ski racing is a hard thing because you train and train and train and you have a race on Saturday that's two minutes long and one little mistake, you go out into the soft snow and that's it. You finish eighteenth or thirty seventh, or you catch an edge and go out and miss a gate, it's over. All that travel, all that training. So it it's hard on the psyche. And even at the upper echelons of the circuit in the World Cup, which is overseas, you know, these ski racers will tell you the same thing. So it doesn't number on people's head. And so it did a number on mine, honestly. And finally I just burned out at 24 and I was done. You know, that was when I was coming into my own as an athlete and I was like,
Damien: Right.
Daniel Sterling: I I don't want to do this anymore.
Damien: And and then you said that led into some stints in broadcasting and being a screenwriter as well. the way that you describe those stints, it's it's it seems almost similar to the your pursuit of winning in at in a I mean in sports. So I'm I'm wondering like what is it that you felt that you were pursuing in in broadcasting and and and screenwriting? Was it was it something that an an unhealthy obsession with those as well,
Daniel Sterling: Yeah, yeah, y you're right on. It was absolutely that. It was just an extension of my ski racing. So I I retire at 24. I'm like, my I, you know, I'm uneducated and living in a small town. I, you know, I've read of the world, but I'd never been in the world. So I was like, well, what am I gonna do now? So I thought I'll be a broadcaster and I'll talk about what I know and love, and that's ski racing. So I set out
Damien: Okay.
Daniel Sterling: on this journey and and got in my car and drove away from Aspen and went out to California and I tried to get jobs at in radio and I ended up in New Mexico on the on a radio station a friend of mine had invested in. So again, I was just determined because I thought that broadcasting was now going to bring me accolades and recognition in the world. And you know, I was gonna draw women to me and they would see me on the air and You know, it was all the same aspiration. It was all about my ego, truly. so I got myself a journalism degree and got hired on it at an ABC affiliate TV station in Albuquerque where I was going to school. And my news director liked me. And so I worked my way up from being an overnight photographer shooting murders and house fires to a sports photographer. And then she gave me this job doing these outdoor stories. So I was on the road for five years. I did this, you know, doing stories on ice climbing and sand dunes and caves and all this crazy stuff that was sort of right in my wheelhouse. And I did ski tips too. So it was all good for my ego. And very much the same aspiration that I had as a ski racer. And then that the next transition was I was gonna write and direct feature films. You know, I had You know, some experience editing, I could write, you know, and so I moved to Southern California and wrote five screenplays and couldn't get an agent. So I was posing as my own agent and shopping my scripts around town. d again, just determined to find my way into the industry because I thought, well, maybe the answer is in there somewhere for me. And that's
Damien: Right.
Daniel Sterling: when I fully burned out at 39 after those five screen pays and that's when I crossed paths with this mentor of mine and changed everything.
Josh: Where did you meet her?
Daniel Sterling: funny story. I'm living in Newport Beach. I couldn't get a job at Blockbuster Video of all things. The this was this really changed the trajectory of my life. So a friend of mine was signing a house in Lake Tahoe and he said, come up and work with me on the summer and you can continue to write. So I that's what I did. And there was a Squaw Valley Writers Conference, and I thought, you know, I didn't know I wasn't gonna go to the conference, but there was a mixer one day, so I went. Felt these eyes on the back of my head. And I turned around, there's a woman looking at me. She looked away and I went and talked to her. She was a writer and she lived in Southern California in Newport Beach, where I was living. So we ended up going into business together, and she was editing a book for Lloyd, who was a psychotherapist. And Lloyd had a men's group and took pity on me. And one day, you know, invited me. And I went to that first men's group. Never been to a men's group, never been in therapy. And I got in that first meeting that night with five strange men and and Lloyd says, Well, tell us about yourself. So I started telling my story and just lost it. I mean, I was just weeping, like I couldn't stop. It was like the dam broke. And I I looked up at I was so embarrassed. But I went back and I kept going back and I met this guy, Daniel, who was doing the hair of this mentor of mine, woman. Right. He said you should meet
Damien: Mm-hmm.
Daniel Sterling: her. She's amazing. Conscious and plugged in. I was like, great, what's conscious? I mean, I was so clueless. And I met
Damien: Okay.
Daniel Sterling: her, and we went to dinner that night. And but she they were walking across the parking lot. She came up and shook my hand. And I swear to God, she looked right through me. she was amazing. She could read energy like nobody's business. Had had a lot of struggle in her own life. So she recognized that in me. So we sat down to dinner and she said, Well, tell me about your family. So I told my story, you know, it's I thought this is a pretty good story, you know, and I spun my tail and we all got our stories, right? And mine was pretty shiny, I thought. And at the end of that, she looked at me and goes, Well, that's all sounds great. Why are you so miserable? And I was like, my God, am I that transparent? And apparently I was. So that's how I met my mentor.
Damien: so I know the the meeting is connected to your mentor, but when you went into that meeting, was there something that was already tugging at you or was it something that kind of just came out in the meeting?
Daniel Sterling: that's a very good question. And absolutely. when my friend Daniel started talking to about talking to me about her, it was like something lit up in me. I was like, I don't know what it is. I mean, I have no idea who this person is, but I just had a feeling that she was going to be important in my life. And So she and I were in relationship for 20 plus years. I mean, we were full in in each other's lives and doing this work of what we called self-study, which changed my life in in the best way imaginable. And so what I'm doing with this these two these books I'm writing and speaking to you guys is paying forward what she gave to me. Very grateful that she came into my life and taught me some very tangible skills that helped me in my life every day. every
Damien: Right.
Daniel Sterling: day where I don't have these emotional lows that I used to. And I became much more proactive in my life and came to know myself so well so I wasn't so reactive to the world and life and because I I I know these trouble spots mine and I don't want to go there. So Yeah.
Damien: i is that part of the glad, 'cause you have something you call self s you said self study, but
Daniel Sterling: Yes.
Damien: you talk about glad. Can can you explain what that is?
Daniel Sterling: Yes. Glad is her name. But she's
Damien: okay. Got it.
Daniel Sterling: she's the mentor.
Damien: Okay.
Daniel Sterling: so yeah, she she studied with some very wise people. None of them are lettered, you know, it's not PhDs or any of that, but it was it's a very I hate the term, but it's a very organic kind of thing. And so there's in in Newport Beach, there were seven of us. They would we would meet every Monday. Talk about our lives and our struggles. And she was, you know, everybody's mentor and facilitated our meetings. And so whenever there was an issue, man, everything stopped. I mean, if somebody was acting out or I said some smart ass thing, man, everything stopped and we talked about it. And so,
Josh: y'all talk? Did y'all just did y'all just ask why or did y'all did you figure out what was the root of that? How did you navigate that?
Daniel Sterling: So she was the one asking the questions. And I mean, she again, she could see my behavior coming from a mile away. And so in very small increments, she would start talking to me about these behaviors of mine that did not serve me. As an example, and this is a story I tell with frequency because it's a powerful one for me. So I survived my brother in my childhood by isolating whenever I would. You know, my brother would pick on me or tie me to a tree and leave me in the woods for two hours, for God's sake. I would run and hide. And and I was quiet a lot around him because anytime I said anything, man, he was all over it and and was merciless with me. So I learned to isolate and survive that way. And, you know, it was just Coping mechanism that I used at the time. And so there were many times I would show up to these Monday meetings, imploded and struggling and quiet. And she would look at me and go, You've gone away. What's going on? And I was, and now all of a sudden I've got six people look on me. I'm like, God. Here we go again. What we used to call the hot seat. So I'm
Damien: Right. Right.
Josh: Right? Can't escape it.
Daniel Sterling: like, man. The last thing I want to do is talk. And so I went through this for a period of time where I, you know, I was again in the hot seat and she's they're all looking at me. And finally one day I was just like, that's it. I I'm I'm done being quiet and having her drag me, drag it out of me. And I just said, you know, I really don't want to be here. I don't, I don't like any of you. I don't like me. All I want to do is
Damien: Mm-hmm.
Daniel Sterling: leave. She looked at me and goes, good. That's a good start. And we off off I went. So the next time is a little bit easier. And the next time was a little bit easier until finally I would show up at the meetings and be proactive about it all and say, you know, you guys, I'm really struggling. This is what happened today. And I'm just pissy and I don't want to be here. But I'm glad to see you guys and I'm going to hang tough and see where it takes me. What we call acting as if. To get to the other side. So I would go from this imploded, angry, quiet state, and I would start to come out a little bit and start to engage and ask questions of the others in the group. And
Damien: Okay.
Daniel Sterling: then one day this change came over me. It was like this alchemic change. I started to feel a little bit lighter. The unbearable lightness of being, what they call it. And it's hard to hold the tension of that sometimes because it feels so good. It's like, my God, when's the shoe gonna drop? And I'm gonna get be become imploded again. But I started to come out and come alive a little bit. She's like, You gotta learn how to plug in, she used to call it. And first time she said that was like, what does that mean? But it was engaging these people. And so it was Less about me and more about them. And so today I am that person. I am no longer that imploded, angry, withdrawn, non-communicative person. And I have her to thank for that because she hung tough with me when I was defiant and Pissed off and argumentative with her, and I was convinced I was right and she hung tough with me. So I I'm very grateful.
Damien: Nice. I mean so when when you talk about that process, is that the process of the self self study? Is it a group based self study study or is that that an individual self study when when you're doing that, I guess in
Daniel Sterling: Another good question. So it was all self-study and I was I can only speak for me. So I was doing it within the con within the structure of the group. And then, you know,
Damien: Okay.
Daniel Sterling: if I was spending time with one with one of them, I was still doing the work. I'm spending time with her, I'm still doing the work. And that is calling myself to attention, you know, not saying that smart ass thing that I It was right on the tip of my tongue, and I really want to say it because I think it's funny. But I know it's probably going to be hurtful. So I can grab hold of that and go, you know, I was just about to say this thing. And they go, Well, what is it? Now we want to know. And I go, okay, well, I'll share it. But the point is that I could grab onto it. And really it was about coming to know myself so well that these behaviors of mine that I used to survive no longer had a hold on. That is an
Damien: Okay.
Daniel Sterling: empowering thing, let me tell you. So that's the self-study you ask about, Damian.
Damien: Yeah, and are they bringing these things to your attention or are they just kinda Okay, okay. All right, God.
Daniel Sterling: yeah. yeah. If they're picking it up in me, they're they speak to it just as I would with them. We used to call it negative mirroring. So I would see someone in the group withdrawn and I go, you know, I'm I gotta say I'm negative mirroring from you. In other words, I see in you what I know in me. And it's cringy, it's hard to look at because I don't want to look at my own behavior, pissy, argumentative, whatever it is. I know it in me so well and I see it in another. So yeah, we would speak to it because we're really there for each other and for our everybody's growth and to remain in that state. You know, I'm just living my life out. I would much rather be proactive
Damien: Had
Daniel Sterling: in my own personal growth and journey and you know grow and learn and become more conscious. There's no
Josh: No.
Daniel Sterling: greater aspiration to me in this world. And that I think is what you know I'm called to do. I won't speak for anyone else, but that to me is evolution.
Josh: That's key. I love that whole kind
Damien: Nice.
Josh: of aspect of growth and that kind of focus on being more aware of who you are, what you're feeling, what you're engaging with and what other people are going through. It seems like you were able to unlearn some habits and drop some defenses so you can start engaging with people a little bit more. Were there some beliefs about yourself that you were finally able to realize you've been operating from without ever really ex examining?
Daniel Sterling: Also a great question, Josh. beliefs about myself. Well, when I met her, I I I will say I was my ego. So I was super invested in, you know, the being this smart writer and super fast ski racer. And, you know, that's who I was. So, not that there's anything wrong with those pursuits. And I, you know, I love the fact that I can still ski and ski fast and it's great fun, but it's not, it doesn't define me. Whereas
Josh: Right.
Daniel Sterling: back then it fully defined me. And without
Josh: Right. And did you and
Daniel Sterling: all that, that's why I was so lost when I met her, because I didn't have any more of that. It was all gone. And I was left with what? Nothing really, because I had no sense of who I was. And as I came to know me, I come to know others. And then I can be a more compassionate, you know, with more bandwidth for people. I just wrote this piece for my newsletter. Actually, it was I posted on YouTube about asking questions is an act of love. And I wish more people would do it because You know, when I engage my people, I want to know what's going on in their life. And I want them to know that I care about them and that I'm not just saying how's it going and what's happening with you. No, I want to know really what is going on. And I want to follow up more questions. Are you saying this? Am I hearing this? So to become that person who has more bandwidth for others is you know, it's really being a service. That's how see it. And I know I'm called to to be that. It's it's certainly part of my Enneagram. I'm a four. So very much aligned with, you know, at this stage in my life, I have finally found my purpose.
Josh: Did you think you had to give up
Damien: I wonder
Daniel Sterling: Act nine.
Josh: some of your identities to kind of do that more or was that how did that how did that change happen? Like as far as the identity you'd already built with the all of the success with skiing and screenwriting and everything else, that did you have to change any of their own values or the things you really prioritised in order to connect with others?
Daniel Sterling: Well, yeah, I mean I when I was invested in all of that, ski racing and broadcasting and screenwriting, I had no capacity for others. All I knew was, you know, I I want this next thing to happen for me, because then it's gonna lead to this, and then it's gonna lead to that, and then I'll then I'll get there, then I'll arrive. So I was very myopic in that regard. And so really I gave all that up and it was very liberating, let me tell you. So when I met her, I became a home inspector in California, which is a great job. And I went out and had my own company and it was awesome and I was of service, but it was as far from a glamorous job as you can get, believe me. I was crawling under buildings in a Tyvek suit and through the nastiest water you can imagine and dirty and sweaty
Damien: Huh.
Daniel Sterling: and dangerous, but I loved it because you know, I would look my buyers in the face and say, I am your advocate today. I'm gonna find everything I can about this house because I want you to know what you're buying. I know you're making a big financial decision. They'd look at me and I'm
Damien: Nice.
Daniel Sterling: thinking they probably I'd never no one had ever talked to them like that. It's like I am here working for you. And you know, so and I didn't Plus, I didn't want them to sue me either, because there was a lot of that in California for negligence in our bid in our industry. So yeah. but it was a great thing because I I was able to crawl out of the financial hole. I mean, when I met Glad, my mentor, I was I wasn't just broke, I was behind on rent. So I was in the hole, literally. And
Damien: Right.
Daniel Sterling: she knew a guy who worked at a a restaurant, Marco Polo, Italian restaurant. She said, Tony's hiring. Looking for an assistant manager, go talk to him. And I, as soon as I heard that, I knew I was going to get the job. So I raced down there, interviewed with him, got the job, and worked at that restaurant for three nights a week for 10 years while I built the home inspection business. And I was like, I love this because I was starting to build financial independence. And that's one of the things she talked about to me too. She's like, you gotta be able to support yourself, you gotta be financially independent. Otherwise, you're never gonna be an empowered individual. You gotta start there. And I did. So I saved and worked and invested and So it was all part of the journey. Self actualization.
Damien: Yeah. That's great because it's right in line with a lot of things that we talk about here on this channel. And it sounds like you know your mentor has just helped you kinda like, you know, elevate your life and take you take you through what I guess this is really my question. Do you see that as a process of maturity which you went through with with your mentor? Like do you do you feel that prior to that experience in that time that you were an immature person? Because because ultimately I'm trying to get to the You you're writing about how to bring young men into to into grown men now. And what you're talking about now sounds like a process of maturing, right? And so I'm just do you see that as a process of maturing, or is that something that that is beyond just simple maturity and maturing?
Daniel Sterling: Absolutely, that's in there. to take accountability, which was another thing she talked about. It was personal accountability. That is a is a is a process of maturation, maturing, absolutely. So a friend of mine who was in our group one day said, I am responsible for everything. And I stopped and I looked at him and I thought about it. I was like, that's an interesting statement. And I thought about it for another week. And I realized that he's absolutely right. I am responsible for everything that is in within my power. My finances, my attitude, how I talk to people, my body language, my tone of voice. Am I being a good friend, a good partner, a good spouse? Am I supportive? Am I celebratory of their victories in this life? Do I have my own house in order? Am I a slob? everything that I can imagine in daily life that I'm responsible for, talk about a maturation process, Damien. That's it. so I'm a big believer in accountability. And when I hear it in other people, I light up, honestly. As Glad used to say, there's there's generally two people. Two people in the world, she used to say they're either part of the solution or they're part of the problem. And I realized that she's very accurate in that way. It's like there's people that can't do enough to help. You know, you see them in the service industry, and it's like, there it is, right there. Friendly, upbeat, you know, how can I help? I have this men's group that I'm I was holding here in Denver, and I just shuddered it for a while, but I got these. Two kids that are married, they're reaching out to me right now, and they're raising this young child of theirs, three old. And they're like, we're really struggling with family dynamics. Can you talk to us? I'm thinking, yeah, absolutely. you know, all I can all I can do is talk about what I was taught. I I say I learned from the best. And I all I do is pay forward what. was given to me. And it's a process that energizes me. And I I never get tired of talking about it. And I believe in it because I lived it. You know, I was a mess when I met her. And now it's like I I'm enthusiastic every day. I mean this talking to you guys to me is this amazing thing. These podcasts, these long form podcasts, I think is an incredible thing. And you guys are doing great work by having thoughtful you know, people that are trying to make positive change in the world. And that's an amazing thing because we never know who's listening, right?
Damien: True. Yeah, thank you. That's that's true. You never know who's listening. You know But I I I definitely agree that the the things that you're talking about, the th that maturation, though that you that process that you're talking about, the evolution, it it's many ways to talk about it. It sounds like you you had some steps that you went through. You went through the self study. you know, you talk about your your life up until that point, you know, the the the moment that you kind of like crashed at at the meeting, you know, just a lot of people probably can relate to those those aspects and, you know, just those different parts of life. So talk about it more and hopefully hit get these more points of connectivity with others where they can recognize what you're saying and help help themselves with it. So I agree.
Daniel Sterling: I hope so. I hope so. I will say if I can help one person, then I will have achieved what I set out to do, honestly. One person get out
Damien: Nice.
Daniel Sterling: of a dark place in their life. Because I've been there, man, and there is a way out. But what we need in the world today is what I like to call the wise tribal elders. I don't think there's enough of those in the world where they can recognize some troubled kid and go, you know, this kid needs help.
Damien: I mean wow. I could go I could go a little further with that one just in the sense that like I said, when this in this show we talk a lot about psychology and philosophy and some of the aspects that you just brought up as far as responsibility. just responsibility for things. Like j that simple one point, right? A lot of people may not feel that they're responsible for everything that happens to them or or nothing that happens to them. But responsibility f responsibility for their actions, regardless of what's happening to them, you know? And
Daniel Sterling: Yes. Yes.
Damien: that's just a small point that may make somebody think, just like you said, you when you heard someone say that the first time, it struck you as strange. But something simple like that is is life-changing when you just say, I have the ability to respond. I'm I I'm responsible, I can't always control what happens to me, but I can control my response. And then you can create those relationships, better relationships, like you've said. and just the that ability to connect with others in a different way. Because it sounds like it was deep it was difficult for you growing up coming from the household that you came up in. And then once you met with your mentor and you were able to kinda like unload a little bit, right? And just then be able to open up that capacity to connect with others. That's what it sounds like to me. And it sounds like that's what you're trying to do also with with with your next venture in in this book.
Daniel Sterling: Very much so.
Damien: Yeah. so I mean I know we're coming to to an end, close to the end, and I just wanna give you some time to kind of maybe give people more information about the book that you've got coming out or where they can find you or your sub stacks or socials, th and anything else you wanna tell us.
Daniel Sterling: I appreciate that. so I am efforting, as they say, to get my memoir out of the world. I I've sent it out to a number of literary agents. Now I'm writing the second book and I'll do the same with that. So I don't have a book in the world, but that will happen. Sooner than later. I'm I'm I have faith. So in the meantime, I'm I write this newsletter on Substack and I'm posting on YouTube, my first videos, it's all Daniel Sterling writer. So
Damien: Okay.
Daniel Sterling: I appreciate you guys promoting me in that way. And yeah, I I like the idea of this online community. I think it's has great possibility. And people reach out to me and say, What about the book? And I go, I appreciate the thought. And so I like communicating with people that you know are like-minded. I'm always looking for my tribe, put it that way.
Josh: You
Damien: Yeah, definitely. And we'll put all of that information into the show description so people can definitely find you. They'll have links and everything. And
Daniel Sterling: Thank you.
Damien: before we get out of here, is there any last words you want to give to people?
Daniel Sterling: Well I would say find your purpose. I mean, everybody's got one. It's like, what is that thing that I just really want to do? if I'm not doing that, then I'm edgy. I know this. that's one. And you know, be curious, learn, read. find find those wise tribal elders if you can. They they tend to fly under the radar a lot. They're quiet, but they're out there. So that's my two cents.
Damien: Got it. nine. Well, thank you for taking some time to come onto our platform and definitely appreciate the conversation, Daniel.
Daniel Sterling: Thank you guys. And again, you're doing a great thing here.
Damien: Thank you.
Josh: Yeah, I appreciate it.
Josh: Were there some beliefs about yourself that you were finally able to realize you've been operating from without ever really ex examining?
Damien: Donald Sterling is a writer and speaker who grew up in the wild west of Aspen, Colorado. He describes much of his early life as an over pursuit of accolades through professional ski racing, broadcasting, and screenwriting, an experience that eventually informed his first book, Hungry, a memoir of self-discovery, furthering of the soul, and evolution of the spirit. Later in life, with the aid of a mentor, Daniel began pursuing more examined and self-directed life, discovering a sense of purpose and meaning that would reframe his entire worldview. Now Daniel was working on his next book, focused on what it takes to raise boys into whole men. So Daniel, welcome to IN TV.
Daniel Sterling: Thank you very much, Damien and Josh. Great to be here.
Damien: Thanks for coming. you described your upbringing as being the best example of being a bad example. When you look back at it now, what do you think you were missing? Like what did you reach adulthood without having developed?
Daniel Sterling: So great question. so I I write honestly, I speak honestly. I mean, I there was a lot about my parents that I loved and appreciated, and they gave me a lot of freedom, but they frankly had their hands full. There was five kids and two cousins living with us in a ski lodge they were trying to run, and they were financially stressed a little bit. And so They allowed a brother, an older brother, to run roughshod over me. And so they didn't hear my cries for help. And so I found myself very much on my own from a very young age, trying to feed myself, being hungry in school, and trying to figure life out alone through trial and error. And I wouldn't wish that on anyone. So that that's sort of Best example being a bad example. So the second book I'm writing about raising boys into good men is it's like, look at my life and take an example from it and hopefully do better with, you know, your kids and girls and boys both. So yeah, I write from a very personal experience.
Josh: So when you had that very personal experience that you kinda grew up, what do you think you would have wanted to see done differently? What what kind of things would have changed things for you to kind of set you up better for yeah, life?
Daniel Sterling: Yes. So Love, affirmation, structure, talk to me, communicate, ask me what's going on, be engaged, give me a tutor when I'm struggling in math, for God's sake, or some help of some sort. so yeah, I a lot of that was missing, frankly. And so again, I had to, I was trying to figure all this out on my own from a very young age. So
Josh: Did anybody encourage you when you were young to examine yourself or examine things where you learned to eat later?
Daniel Sterling: No, no. There was that was not the sort of household that I grew up in. It was sort of a free-for-all. And, you know, we were all smart kids and my parents had faith that we would figure it out. And eventually we all did. But you know, there was there was some troubled aspects to all of us. And so yeah, I I write a lot about Raising, I'll just use a boy as an example. you know, if he's got love and affirmation and he's being talked to and not talked at. And he's given clear guidelines on what the parents' expectations of him are. He gets a lot of nurturing from his mother. He gets, you know, a firm hand from his father. He then goes out into the world. a young man much more in balance with these mas masculine and feminine energies. And so he's got a much better chance from an earlier age to find his place in the world. And he goes out into the world
Damien: Right.
Daniel Sterling: with a very good sense of himself. Whereas I'd had none of that and until I met this mentor of mine at 39, I had no sense of who I was. I was just reactive. and little volatile looking for affirmation in the world and that's not a good place to be frankly i wouldn't wish it on anyone i mean it was a it it it drove me to find a better way i was looking for meaning in this life and meaningful pursuit and Having to suffer through all that for 40 years, again, it was not an easy path. I mean, I wouldn't change anything. so when I met this mentor, I mean, she reframed everything for me. And I'm very grateful. Without her, I would still be in the same place, suffering without
Damien: Right.
Daniel Sterling: purpose, really, and wondering what is going on. You know, there's got to be a better way.
Damien: And I know you talk about her a lot and and I wanna get to that part. But first, I'm thinking about the culture that you grew up in. I mean, I know the home is, you know, the first teacher and that's that's where you're spending your most of your time. But I I'm more I'm interested around about the people who you grew up around. What kind of families did you see, like school of your friends, what kind of families did they have? was it similar to your home or was it something that you might have seen in in in their homes that you thought, Well, why am I not getting that in my home? Anything like that?
Daniel Sterling: very good question. So you gotta gotta think about Aspen, Colorado in the sixties. So sm very small town. I mean, it was eight thousand people. and I I joked that there was something in the water up there because there was a lot of angry men in that valley of ours, honestly.
Damien: wow.
Daniel Sterling: we had some teachers that were just tyrants and my friends' fathers, a lot of them were angry and drinkers and alcoholics. And so there was friends that I had that I avoided going to their house for that exact reason. So, There was a lot of financial stress in that valley at the time. And so I think that's, you know, and then we had a lot of the, you know, certain amount of wealthy people rolling through town. So the locals were a little disgruntled watching these people come through and with, you know, all this disposable income and we're all struggling. So it it's
Damien: Talking.
Daniel Sterling: it's a very interesting dynamic, these resort towns. I mean, I know it so well. And really nothing has changed because these locals are all scratching out this living in living in this beautiful place for the purpose of living there, but never getting ahead financially. So it it takes a toll.
Damien: Mm-hmm.
Daniel Sterling: And so there's a certain energy in these resort towns that I just can pick it up a mile away because I lived it.
Damien: Wow. Okay, so it sounds like there's like a similar type of there's a there's a vibe in in the town. They they kinda had a like a similar way of relating to each
Josh: Culture.
Damien: other, it seems like.
Daniel Sterling: Yeah, very much so. Well, we're all in the same struggle, and it was financial.
Josh: And so it's like a big culture where everybody is kind of centered around this whole resort town. Like does it is everybody is that how you got into racing? Is that how you got into skiing or how did that happen?
Daniel Sterling: Yeah. So my older brother was a ski racer, so it it was very much a part of still is very much part of that culture up there. So I write in this first book that I my memoir about I won my first ski race when I was eight years old and I was flooded with all these good chemicals and I thought, ooh, I like this, this is good.
Damien: Mm-hmm.
Daniel Sterling: So for the next 16 years I was possessed. really to win and achieve and get on the US ski team and and and so being that determined and invested in winning was not a healthy thing either. because I tortured myself really. I mean I was so driven. And so any time that I didn't ski fast or You know, ski racing is a hard thing because you train and train and train and you have a race on Saturday that's two minutes long and one little mistake, you go out into the soft snow and that's it. You finish eighteenth or thirty seventh, or you catch an edge and go out and miss a gate, it's over. All that travel, all that training. So it it's hard on the psyche. And even at the upper echelons of the circuit in the World Cup, which is overseas, you know, these ski racers will tell you the same thing. So it doesn't number on people's head. And so it did a number on mine, honestly. And finally I just burned out at 24 and I was done. You know, that was when I was coming into my own as an athlete and I was like,
Damien: Right.
Daniel Sterling: I I don't want to do this anymore.
Damien: And and then you said that led into some stints in broadcasting and being a screenwriter as well. the way that you describe those stints, it's it's it seems almost similar to the your pursuit of winning in at in a I mean in sports. So I'm I'm wondering like what is it that you felt that you were pursuing in in broadcasting and and and screenwriting? Was it was it something that an an unhealthy obsession with those as well,
Daniel Sterling: Yeah, yeah, y you're right on. It was absolutely that. It was just an extension of my ski racing. So I I retire at 24. I'm like, my I, you know, I'm uneducated and living in a small town. I, you know, I've read of the world, but I'd never been in the world. So I was like, well, what am I gonna do now? So I thought I'll be a broadcaster and I'll talk about what I know and love, and that's ski racing. So I set out
Damien: Okay.
Daniel Sterling: on this journey and and got in my car and drove away from Aspen and went out to California and I tried to get jobs at in radio and I ended up in New Mexico on the on a radio station a friend of mine had invested in. So again, I was just determined because I thought that broadcasting was now going to bring me accolades and recognition in the world. And you know, I was gonna draw women to me and they would see me on the air and You know, it was all the same aspiration. It was all about my ego, truly. so I got myself a journalism degree and got hired on it at an ABC affiliate TV station in Albuquerque where I was going to school. And my news director liked me. And so I worked my way up from being an overnight photographer shooting murders and house fires to a sports photographer. And then she gave me this job doing these outdoor stories. So I was on the road for five years. I did this, you know, doing stories on ice climbing and sand dunes and caves and all this crazy stuff that was sort of right in my wheelhouse. And I did ski tips too. So it was all good for my ego. And very much the same aspiration that I had as a ski racer. And then that the next transition was I was gonna write and direct feature films. You know, I had You know, some experience editing, I could write, you know, and so I moved to Southern California and wrote five screenplays and couldn't get an agent. So I was posing as my own agent and shopping my scripts around town. d again, just determined to find my way into the industry because I thought, well, maybe the answer is in there somewhere for me. And that's
Damien: Right.
Daniel Sterling: when I fully burned out at 39 after those five screen pays and that's when I crossed paths with this mentor of mine and changed everything.
Josh: Where did you meet her?
Daniel Sterling: funny story. I'm living in Newport Beach. I couldn't get a job at Blockbuster Video of all things. The this was this really changed the trajectory of my life. So a friend of mine was signing a house in Lake Tahoe and he said, come up and work with me on the summer and you can continue to write. So I that's what I did. And there was a Squaw Valley Writers Conference, and I thought, you know, I didn't know I wasn't gonna go to the conference, but there was a mixer one day, so I went. Felt these eyes on the back of my head. And I turned around, there's a woman looking at me. She looked away and I went and talked to her. She was a writer and she lived in Southern California in Newport Beach, where I was living. So we ended up going into business together, and she was editing a book for Lloyd, who was a psychotherapist. And Lloyd had a men's group and took pity on me. And one day, you know, invited me. And I went to that first men's group. Never been to a men's group, never been in therapy. And I got in that first meeting that night with five strange men and and Lloyd says, Well, tell us about yourself. So I started telling my story and just lost it. I mean, I was just weeping, like I couldn't stop. It was like the dam broke. And I I looked up at I was so embarrassed. But I went back and I kept going back and I met this guy, Daniel, who was doing the hair of this mentor of mine, woman. Right. He said you should meet
Damien: Mm-hmm.
Daniel Sterling: her. She's amazing. Conscious and plugged in. I was like, great, what's conscious? I mean, I was so clueless. And I met
Damien: Okay.
Daniel Sterling: her, and we went to dinner that night. And but she they were walking across the parking lot. She came up and shook my hand. And I swear to God, she looked right through me. she was amazing. She could read energy like nobody's business. Had had a lot of struggle in her own life. So she recognized that in me. So we sat down to dinner and she said, Well, tell me about your family. So I told my story, you know, it's I thought this is a pretty good story, you know, and I spun my tail and we all got our stories, right? And mine was pretty shiny, I thought. And at the end of that, she looked at me and goes, Well, that's all sounds great. Why are you so miserable? And I was like, my God, am I that transparent? And apparently I was. So that's how I met my mentor.
Damien: so I know the the meeting is connected to your mentor, but when you went into that meeting, was there something that was already tugging at you or was it something that kind of just came out in the meeting?
Daniel Sterling: that's a very good question. And absolutely. when my friend Daniel started talking to about talking to me about her, it was like something lit up in me. I was like, I don't know what it is. I mean, I have no idea who this person is, but I just had a feeling that she was going to be important in my life. And So she and I were in relationship for 20 plus years. I mean, we were full in in each other's lives and doing this work of what we called self-study, which changed my life in in the best way imaginable. And so what I'm doing with this these two these books I'm writing and speaking to you guys is paying forward what she gave to me. Very grateful that she came into my life and taught me some very tangible skills that helped me in my life every day. every
Damien: Right.
Daniel Sterling: day where I don't have these emotional lows that I used to. And I became much more proactive in my life and came to know myself so well so I wasn't so reactive to the world and life and because I I I know these trouble spots mine and I don't want to go there. So Yeah.
Damien: i is that part of the glad, 'cause you have something you call self s you said self study, but
Daniel Sterling: Yes.
Damien: you talk about glad. Can can you explain what that is?
Daniel Sterling: Yes. Glad is her name. But she's
Damien: okay. Got it.
Daniel Sterling: she's the mentor.
Damien: Okay.
Daniel Sterling: so yeah, she she studied with some very wise people. None of them are lettered, you know, it's not PhDs or any of that, but it was it's a very I hate the term, but it's a very organic kind of thing. And so there's in in Newport Beach, there were seven of us. They would we would meet every Monday. Talk about our lives and our struggles. And she was, you know, everybody's mentor and facilitated our meetings. And so whenever there was an issue, man, everything stopped. I mean, if somebody was acting out or I said some smart ass thing, man, everything stopped and we talked about it. And so,
Josh: y'all talk? Did y'all just did y'all just ask why or did y'all did you figure out what was the root of that? How did you navigate that?
Daniel Sterling: So she was the one asking the questions. And I mean, she again, she could see my behavior coming from a mile away. And so in very small increments, she would start talking to me about these behaviors of mine that did not serve me. As an example, and this is a story I tell with frequency because it's a powerful one for me. So I survived my brother in my childhood by isolating whenever I would. You know, my brother would pick on me or tie me to a tree and leave me in the woods for two hours, for God's sake. I would run and hide. And and I was quiet a lot around him because anytime I said anything, man, he was all over it and and was merciless with me. So I learned to isolate and survive that way. And, you know, it was just Coping mechanism that I used at the time. And so there were many times I would show up to these Monday meetings, imploded and struggling and quiet. And she would look at me and go, You've gone away. What's going on? And I was, and now all of a sudden I've got six people look on me. I'm like, God. Here we go again. What we used to call the hot seat. So I'm
Damien: Right. Right.
Josh: Right? Can't escape it.
Daniel Sterling: like, man. The last thing I want to do is talk. And so I went through this for a period of time where I, you know, I was again in the hot seat and she's they're all looking at me. And finally one day I was just like, that's it. I I'm I'm done being quiet and having her drag me, drag it out of me. And I just said, you know, I really don't want to be here. I don't, I don't like any of you. I don't like me. All I want to do is
Damien: Mm-hmm.
Daniel Sterling: leave. She looked at me and goes, good. That's a good start. And we off off I went. So the next time is a little bit easier. And the next time was a little bit easier until finally I would show up at the meetings and be proactive about it all and say, you know, you guys, I'm really struggling. This is what happened today. And I'm just pissy and I don't want to be here. But I'm glad to see you guys and I'm going to hang tough and see where it takes me. What we call acting as if. To get to the other side. So I would go from this imploded, angry, quiet state, and I would start to come out a little bit and start to engage and ask questions of the others in the group. And
Damien: Okay.
Daniel Sterling: then one day this change came over me. It was like this alchemic change. I started to feel a little bit lighter. The unbearable lightness of being, what they call it. And it's hard to hold the tension of that sometimes because it feels so good. It's like, my God, when's the shoe gonna drop? And I'm gonna get be become imploded again. But I started to come out and come alive a little bit. She's like, You gotta learn how to plug in, she used to call it. And first time she said that was like, what does that mean? But it was engaging these people. And so it was Less about me and more about them. And so today I am that person. I am no longer that imploded, angry, withdrawn, non-communicative person. And I have her to thank for that because she hung tough with me when I was defiant and Pissed off and argumentative with her, and I was convinced I was right and she hung tough with me. So I I'm very grateful.
Damien: Nice. I mean so when when you talk about that process, is that the process of the self self study? Is it a group based self study study or is that that an individual self study when when you're doing that, I guess in
Daniel Sterling: Another good question. So it was all self-study and I was I can only speak for me. So I was doing it within the con within the structure of the group. And then, you know,
Damien: Okay.
Daniel Sterling: if I was spending time with one with one of them, I was still doing the work. I'm spending time with her, I'm still doing the work. And that is calling myself to attention, you know, not saying that smart ass thing that I It was right on the tip of my tongue, and I really want to say it because I think it's funny. But I know it's probably going to be hurtful. So I can grab hold of that and go, you know, I was just about to say this thing. And they go, Well, what is it? Now we want to know. And I go, okay, well, I'll share it. But the point is that I could grab onto it. And really it was about coming to know myself so well that these behaviors of mine that I used to survive no longer had a hold on. That is an
Damien: Okay.
Daniel Sterling: empowering thing, let me tell you. So that's the self-study you ask about, Damian.
Damien: Yeah, and are they bringing these things to your attention or are they just kinda Okay, okay. All right, God.
Daniel Sterling: yeah. yeah. If they're picking it up in me, they're they speak to it just as I would with them. We used to call it negative mirroring. So I would see someone in the group withdrawn and I go, you know, I'm I gotta say I'm negative mirroring from you. In other words, I see in you what I know in me. And it's cringy, it's hard to look at because I don't want to look at my own behavior, pissy, argumentative, whatever it is. I know it in me so well and I see it in another. So yeah, we would speak to it because we're really there for each other and for our everybody's growth and to remain in that state. You know, I'm just living my life out. I would much rather be proactive
Damien: Had
Daniel Sterling: in my own personal growth and journey and you know grow and learn and become more conscious. There's no
Josh: No.
Daniel Sterling: greater aspiration to me in this world. And that I think is what you know I'm called to do. I won't speak for anyone else, but that to me is evolution.
Josh: That's key. I love that whole kind
Damien: Nice.
Josh: of aspect of growth and that kind of focus on being more aware of who you are, what you're feeling, what you're engaging with and what other people are going through. It seems like you were able to unlearn some habits and drop some defenses so you can start engaging with people a little bit more. Were there some beliefs about yourself that you were finally able to realize you've been operating from without ever really ex examining?
Daniel Sterling: Also a great question, Josh. beliefs about myself. Well, when I met her, I I I will say I was my ego. So I was super invested in, you know, the being this smart writer and super fast ski racer. And, you know, that's who I was. So, not that there's anything wrong with those pursuits. And I, you know, I love the fact that I can still ski and ski fast and it's great fun, but it's not, it doesn't define me. Whereas
Josh: Right.
Daniel Sterling: back then it fully defined me. And without
Josh: Right. And did you and
Daniel Sterling: all that, that's why I was so lost when I met her, because I didn't have any more of that. It was all gone. And I was left with what? Nothing really, because I had no sense of who I was. And as I came to know me, I come to know others. And then I can be a more compassionate, you know, with more bandwidth for people. I just wrote this piece for my newsletter. Actually, it was I posted on YouTube about asking questions is an act of love. And I wish more people would do it because You know, when I engage my people, I want to know what's going on in their life. And I want them to know that I care about them and that I'm not just saying how's it going and what's happening with you. No, I want to know really what is going on. And I want to follow up more questions. Are you saying this? Am I hearing this? So to become that person who has more bandwidth for others is you know, it's really being a service. That's how see it. And I know I'm called to to be that. It's it's certainly part of my Enneagram. I'm a four. So very much aligned with, you know, at this stage in my life, I have finally found my purpose.
Josh: Did you think you had to give up
Damien: I wonder
Daniel Sterling: Act nine.
Josh: some of your identities to kind of do that more or was that how did that how did that change happen? Like as far as the identity you'd already built with the all of the success with skiing and screenwriting and everything else, that did you have to change any of their own values or the things you really prioritised in order to connect with others?
Daniel Sterling: Well, yeah, I mean I when I was invested in all of that, ski racing and broadcasting and screenwriting, I had no capacity for others. All I knew was, you know, I I want this next thing to happen for me, because then it's gonna lead to this, and then it's gonna lead to that, and then I'll then I'll get there, then I'll arrive. So I was very myopic in that regard. And so really I gave all that up and it was very liberating, let me tell you. So when I met her, I became a home inspector in California, which is a great job. And I went out and had my own company and it was awesome and I was of service, but it was as far from a glamorous job as you can get, believe me. I was crawling under buildings in a Tyvek suit and through the nastiest water you can imagine and dirty and sweaty
Damien: Huh.
Daniel Sterling: and dangerous, but I loved it because you know, I would look my buyers in the face and say, I am your advocate today. I'm gonna find everything I can about this house because I want you to know what you're buying. I know you're making a big financial decision. They'd look at me and I'm
Damien: Nice.
Daniel Sterling: thinking they probably I'd never no one had ever talked to them like that. It's like I am here working for you. And you know, so and I didn't Plus, I didn't want them to sue me either, because there was a lot of that in California for negligence in our bid in our industry. So yeah. but it was a great thing because I I was able to crawl out of the financial hole. I mean, when I met Glad, my mentor, I was I wasn't just broke, I was behind on rent. So I was in the hole, literally. And
Damien: Right.
Daniel Sterling: she knew a guy who worked at a a restaurant, Marco Polo, Italian restaurant. She said, Tony's hiring. Looking for an assistant manager, go talk to him. And I, as soon as I heard that, I knew I was going to get the job. So I raced down there, interviewed with him, got the job, and worked at that restaurant for three nights a week for 10 years while I built the home inspection business. And I was like, I love this because I was starting to build financial independence. And that's one of the things she talked about to me too. She's like, you gotta be able to support yourself, you gotta be financially independent. Otherwise, you're never gonna be an empowered individual. You gotta start there. And I did. So I saved and worked and invested and So it was all part of the journey. Self actualization.
Damien: Yeah. That's great because it's right in line with a lot of things that we talk about here on this channel. And it sounds like you know your mentor has just helped you kinda like, you know, elevate your life and take you take you through what I guess this is really my question. Do you see that as a process of maturity which you went through with with your mentor? Like do you do you feel that prior to that experience in that time that you were an immature person? Because because ultimately I'm trying to get to the You you're writing about how to bring young men into to into grown men now. And what you're talking about now sounds like a process of maturing, right? And so I'm just do you see that as a process of maturing, or is that something that that is beyond just simple maturity and maturing?
Daniel Sterling: Absolutely, that's in there. to take accountability, which was another thing she talked about. It was personal accountability. That is a is a is a process of maturation, maturing, absolutely. So a friend of mine who was in our group one day said, I am responsible for everything. And I stopped and I looked at him and I thought about it. I was like, that's an interesting statement. And I thought about it for another week. And I realized that he's absolutely right. I am responsible for everything that is in within my power. My finances, my attitude, how I talk to people, my body language, my tone of voice. Am I being a good friend, a good partner, a good spouse? Am I supportive? Am I celebratory of their victories in this life? Do I have my own house in order? Am I a slob? everything that I can imagine in daily life that I'm responsible for, talk about a maturation process, Damien. That's it. so I'm a big believer in accountability. And when I hear it in other people, I light up, honestly. As Glad used to say, there's there's generally two people. Two people in the world, she used to say they're either part of the solution or they're part of the problem. And I realized that she's very accurate in that way. It's like there's people that can't do enough to help. You know, you see them in the service industry, and it's like, there it is, right there. Friendly, upbeat, you know, how can I help? I have this men's group that I'm I was holding here in Denver, and I just shuddered it for a while, but I got these. Two kids that are married, they're reaching out to me right now, and they're raising this young child of theirs, three old. And they're like, we're really struggling with family dynamics. Can you talk to us? I'm thinking, yeah, absolutely. you know, all I can all I can do is talk about what I was taught. I I say I learned from the best. And I all I do is pay forward what. was given to me. And it's a process that energizes me. And I I never get tired of talking about it. And I believe in it because I lived it. You know, I was a mess when I met her. And now it's like I I'm enthusiastic every day. I mean this talking to you guys to me is this amazing thing. These podcasts, these long form podcasts, I think is an incredible thing. And you guys are doing great work by having thoughtful you know, people that are trying to make positive change in the world. And that's an amazing thing because we never know who's listening, right?
Damien: True. Yeah, thank you. That's that's true. You never know who's listening. You know But I I I definitely agree that the the things that you're talking about, the th that maturation, though that you that process that you're talking about, the evolution, it it's many ways to talk about it. It sounds like you you had some steps that you went through. You went through the self study. you know, you talk about your your life up until that point, you know, the the the moment that you kind of like crashed at at the meeting, you know, just a lot of people probably can relate to those those aspects and, you know, just those different parts of life. So talk about it more and hopefully hit get these more points of connectivity with others where they can recognize what you're saying and help help themselves with it. So I agree.
Daniel Sterling: I hope so. I hope so. I will say if I can help one person, then I will have achieved what I set out to do, honestly. One person get out
Damien: Nice.
Daniel Sterling: of a dark place in their life. Because I've been there, man, and there is a way out. But what we need in the world today is what I like to call the wise tribal elders. I don't think there's enough of those in the world where they can recognize some troubled kid and go, you know, this kid needs help.
Damien: I mean wow. I could go I could go a little further with that one just in the sense that like I said, when this in this show we talk a lot about psychology and philosophy and some of the aspects that you just brought up as far as responsibility. just responsibility for things. Like j that simple one point, right? A lot of people may not feel that they're responsible for everything that happens to them or or nothing that happens to them. But responsibility f responsibility for their actions, regardless of what's happening to them, you know? And
Daniel Sterling: Yes. Yes.
Damien: that's just a small point that may make somebody think, just like you said, you when you heard someone say that the first time, it struck you as strange. But something simple like that is is life-changing when you just say, I have the ability to respond. I'm I I'm responsible, I can't always control what happens to me, but I can control my response. And then you can create those relationships, better relationships, like you've said. and just the that ability to connect with others in a different way. Because it sounds like it was deep it was difficult for you growing up coming from the household that you came up in. And then once you met with your mentor and you were able to kinda like unload a little bit, right? And just then be able to open up that capacity to connect with others. That's what it sounds like to me. And it sounds like that's what you're trying to do also with with with your next venture in in this book.
Daniel Sterling: Very much so.
Damien: Yeah. so I mean I know we're coming to to an end, close to the end, and I just wanna give you some time to kind of maybe give people more information about the book that you've got coming out or where they can find you or your sub stacks or socials, th and anything else you wanna tell us.
Daniel Sterling: I appreciate that. so I am efforting, as they say, to get my memoir out of the world. I I've sent it out to a number of literary agents. Now I'm writing the second book and I'll do the same with that. So I don't have a book in the world, but that will happen. Sooner than later. I'm I'm I have faith. So in the meantime, I'm I write this newsletter on Substack and I'm posting on YouTube, my first videos, it's all Daniel Sterling writer. So
Damien: Okay.
Daniel Sterling: I appreciate you guys promoting me in that way. And yeah, I I like the idea of this online community. I think it's has great possibility. And people reach out to me and say, What about the book? And I go, I appreciate the thought. And so I like communicating with people that you know are like-minded. I'm always looking for my tribe, put it that way.
Josh: You
Damien: Yeah, definitely. And we'll put all of that information into the show description so people can definitely find you. They'll have links and everything. And
Daniel Sterling: Thank you.
Damien: before we get out of here, is there any last words you want to give to people?
Daniel Sterling: Well I would say find your purpose. I mean, everybody's got one. It's like, what is that thing that I just really want to do? if I'm not doing that, then I'm edgy. I know this. that's one. And you know, be curious, learn, read. find find those wise tribal elders if you can. They they tend to fly under the radar a lot. They're quiet, but they're out there. So that's my two cents.
Damien: Got it. nine. Well, thank you for taking some time to come onto our platform and definitely appreciate the conversation, Daniel.
Daniel Sterling: Thank you guys. And again, you're doing a great thing here.
Damien: Thank you.
Josh: Yeah, I appreciate it.
