WEBVTT
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Welcome back to another episode of Inside Out.
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I'm your host Jojo and this is where we'll navigate the mess together.
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That is mental, emotional, and spiritual.
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Let's get into it.
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Well, hello and welcome back.
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This week I wanted to talk about dating.
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I was having a conversation with a friend of mine, and I was kind of coaching him in a way on dating from the female lens, but as a man.
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And he was in town in New York and he was taking this girl out on a date, and he was so excited, but there was like not a grounded energy of a way that he wanted to really make this date happen or, you know, make sure the experience was a good one.
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And it was very much from like his perspective and his lens of ego.
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And I get it, we all have an ego.
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But through this conversation, he really dropped in to really how dating and how people show up to dates really does affect the outcome of our relationships.
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And this was a first date, he'd never met this girl before, but I wanted to talk about this because I think all of us females have guy friends in our lives.
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And we kind of have these conversations with them and we're like, this is what we want.
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But what we get is so drastically different than what we're actually looking for.
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Like we don't care about, I mean, okay.
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I'm talking about myself here, but a majority of women do not care about the most expensive restaurant that you take us to, this super flashy date or spending a ton of money on us when we haven't really done anything to deserve it yet.
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Like, yeah, we can always argue, oh, we deserve to be treated well.
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Of course we do.
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But I'm saying, like, as a first date, that's not necessarily the highest priority.
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We're actually seeing like if there's a connection, and a lot of guys want to just flash and flaunt and be, you know, the the hottest shot in the room.
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And so I was talking to my friend about this, and I was like, all we want is to be seen, listened to.
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We don't want it to be all about you.
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Uh let me let me use a name for my friend.
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We don't want it to be the the Jack show.
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It's not the Jack show.
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We don't want to walk into a date with a man and it being like they're just bragging about their job, what they do, and that there's like no questions.
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We want to be asked questions.
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We want to feel like you're investing in us.
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We don't want you to just ask us a question and then flip the script back on yourself.
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I mean, I'll be even with my guy friends and I'll be talking about something, and all of a sudden it's like right back to them, which is fine.
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But when we're dating, it's two people.
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And typically, I mean, this goes both ways, but there's a misalignment when one person is just over-dominating with trying to impress the other.
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And typically, I have to say, like, it is the man because they want to get us a car and take us to dinner and do all the nice things and take us to drinks after and kind of have this like lineup of like, oh my god, I'm gonna knock her socks off.
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And it's again, it's very much about the me, me, me mentality of like, how am I showing up from the guy's perspective?
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We don't care, like, truly.
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I know again, women might want that to a certain extent.
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And maybe there is a higher percentage of women out there that are like, no, I want you to like get me a car and take me to the nicest place and all that stuff.
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But and that, okay, that's totally fine.
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But a majority of us just want to see if there's a connection, to see, is this someone I can talk to?
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Is this someone that I can like build something with?
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Back to my relationships episode.
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Is this someone I can plant a seed with and really have a healthy plant grow?
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Because rarely are you gonna sit across the table from someone who's just flaunting and bragging and has an ego the size of the Empire State Building?
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And you're like, what?
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I just like this was all about them, and I feel so unseen.
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I feel so unheard.
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They didn't even get to know me.
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It was like I could have been anyone across the table from them.
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They probably just would have done the same thing.
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How many guys actually drop in and are like, no, I want to get to know you?
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Or like actually like put in the work to really ask us questions.
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I've been on so many dates where I'm like, I literally could have been anybody.
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I could have been your therapist.
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I felt like your therapist, actually.
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And it's just constantly about them.
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And it's actually made me personally just not be interested in talking to that person again.
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Not because I have the ego of like, well, I need to be seen, but just like, there's no give and take, there's no equal reciprocity, there's no room for me here.
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A relationship's two people, a conversation's typically two people.
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You're not just talking.
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This isn't a podcast when you're on a date.
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You're not just like talking into a microphone with no feedback.
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There's someone sitting across from you.
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And also, personally, and I have polled my friends, we don't want to go to dinner on the first date.
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That's a lot of pressure.
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And also, like, we don't know what your intentions are.
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If I get a coffee with you and take a stroll, I have way more ability to see if this is a good investment of my time for an hour, an hour and a half, three hours the rest of my evening.
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There's so much pressure that's taken off, and there's no financial commitment or expectation on either side.
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Because if you just get coffee, that's$5, a little stroll under an hour, and you just see if there's a energy, if there's a vibe, if you guys click.
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I can't tell you how many of my guy friends are like, I am so over dating because it's such a financial commitment when they're just taking out girl after girl after girl, and some women actually are just wanting a free dinner, and that's totally fine.
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But that gives the women who are truly looking to build something with someone an unfair advantage because maybe a man gets to the date and they are kind of jaded because they're like, Well, that she just is gonna expect me to pay.
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She's not gonna pull her wallet, she's not gonna, you know, it's all like all the financial burden and responsibilities on me.
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And I don't know, I might never see her again.
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This one friend I was talking to was like, yeah, usually like there's a first and a second date, but it doesn't really go further than that.
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And I was like, why?
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I'm like, let's get into and break down why.
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Why is there not a second date?
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And he was like, Well, I want to like take her here and go like to like a really nice restaurant, and then the night goes on and it's like really fun, and you know, I'm just trying to show her a good time, and then maybe the next date I take her to like a sporting event, like the US Open or a Yankees playoff game.
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And I'm automatically just sitting there, like, there's there's no room for this to go somewhere.
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You've started at the top, there's only room to fall.
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Once a woman is getting all of that straight off the bat without really having like earned it's the wrong word, because again, we do deserve this.
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Everyone deserves to be treated really well, of course.
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It's not what I'm saying here.
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But if if that's the start, we're gonna just expect it to keep going up, up, up, and there's no room for it to level out and be normal.
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If you start at coffee, there's so much more room for anything else.
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Literally, coffee, then maybe seeing a movie, going bowling, get more active, take a hike, then go to a sporting event, then go to a nice dinner, comedy show, Broadway.
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There's more to build on, but if you're automatically just doing the most fun thing right away at the top, it's like, so where's this gonna go?
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You I kind of already got everything I wanted.
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And maybe that's why some girls are like, okay, well, if someone's gonna treat me like that on the first date, someone can treat me better.
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And I I do want to play both sides on this because I think it's it's so tough.
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And you hear about it in every city.
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I have friends all over, and it's like, oh my gosh, Scottsdale's the worst city to date in.
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Oh my gosh, LA is the worst city to date, and London's the worst city to date, and Chicago is the worst city to date in.
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New York is the worst.
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I mean, we get it.
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Everywhere's the worst.
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But is it actually the worst?
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Or are people just showing up kind of not in a realistic way on these dates?
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Like you're showing your best foot forward.
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That's cool.
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You should be polite, you should be a gentleman, you should be chivalrous, you you should show you care, you should show that you're there's like investment in this person.
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But I think there's a way to do this and kind of dial it back a bit so that we're not burnt out on either end.
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We're not burnt out on the giving or the receiving end.
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Because if a man is constantly, again, paying for the dinners and doing these expensive, extravagant dates, the right woman can come along, but she's gonna just be treated probably the same way and he's gonna be resentful of that, maybe unknowingly, because he's done it so much.
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I think there's so many expectations that come into dating when it's just two people meeting for the first time, having a coffee, and taking a walk is probably the most grounded way to see how you communicate.
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Is there a conversation here?
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Is it one person just constantly doing the Jack show?
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Or I mean, women can also do the JoJo show.
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You know, we can sit here and be like, oh my God, I did this and I did that, and like it can be all about us.
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But no one is actually who wants to see if there's a connection between you two, gonna look at that and be like, oh yeah, I'm just gonna be in her shadow the whole time.
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No, we all wanna be seen.
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We all want a voice, we all want to be heard, we all want to be respected and appreciated.
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But that doesn't happen if it's one-sided on these dates.
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There's no room for growth.
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It has to be a natural progression in a totally unnatural world of dating.
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Riddle me that.
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So I was talking to my friend and I told Jack, okay, well, like he wanted to actually go pick this girl up from her apartment in an Uber.
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And I was like, all right, too much.
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Way too much.
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You've never met her before.
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Like, we need to dial it back.
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If you want to send her a car, send her a car.
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Fine.
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You know, he sends her a car, they meet at the restaurant.
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That's amazing.
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But I was like, even just in the conversation that I'm having with you right now, everything that I'm saying to you, you're turning it back on you and you're like making it about you.
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He asked me a question about like my career, and I started talking about it.
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He's like, Oh, yeah, I'm like trying to find a new job.
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And I was like, Jack, you're doing it again.
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You have to let her talk.
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You have to let me talk.
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Like, you need to not just like keep making the conversation go back to you.
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You need to drop in, you need to listen to her, really listen to her.
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Because if you're not interested in anything she has to say, why are you out with her?
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There's so much flashiness that happens in dating today.
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Again, I think it's just it's so tough because the majority of us, we just want a real connection.
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And the other parts of us just want a fun night.
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Whether people want to admit it or not, we all want to find a real connection with someone.
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We all want to find our person.
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It might not be right now, but then get real with yourself about that.
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Because if you are going on these dates, giving a false sense of, I want a relationship, and then you're doing all these things and giving yourself that feedback loop of, oh, it's so expensive to date in New York, I always have to pay.
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Women just want a free dinner, and you're not actually wanting to be dating in the first place, you're setting yourself up for failure.
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But if you truly want to build a connection with someone, why not find out if that person is actually someone you want to build a connection with by not spending$400 at dinner or on an entire night and spending$5 on her latte and 40 minutes on a walk and just seeing if there's any sort of interest connection or anything?
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Because you'll know straight off the bat if that girl is looking for your money or if there's actually something stronger deeper there.
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You know the show The Bachelorette?
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These people go on insane dates.
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Their first date is like a helicopter ride around some beautiful island or paragliding, but it's the top.
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Of course, that's the best date you've ever had.
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It's the it's the top of the totem pole for experiences.
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Same thing if you take a girl to a really nice fancy dinner like uh an omakase or a chef's table, like pairing with wine, and it's gonna be so much fun because you're doing such a fun experience together.
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That's not a reflection of life.
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That's not a reflection of a real relationship, and that's not also a reflection of an authentic connection.
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You can connect with anybody doing something fun.
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You guys are having a shared experience.
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Of course, it's gonna be fun.
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But are you able to build a real connection or have just as much fun with someone walking down the street drinking a coffee?
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And maybe that's where we get stuck.
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Maybe what really sets us apart from finding someone is the resentment and the expectation instead of the connection.
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So just to offer a little bit of advice, date different.
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Go on a walk, get a coffee, get an ice cream.
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If you don't drink caffeine, get a tea.
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I don't know.
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Do something different.
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Don't sit down at a restaurant or do something super fun and out there.
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Like just take a walk and get to know the person.
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See if there's like any sort of anything there than if you even like their company.
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Because you can like someone's company if you're doing something fun.
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It's easy.
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And if you're having a few drinks and like some social lubrication to like, you know, ease it up, get the nerves out, you can kind of gaslight yourself into thinking that this is a connection when you probably don't have anything in common.
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And then you're just perpetuating more and more dates, spending more and more money, investing more and more time and money into this person when you could have just gone on one date, one coffee stroll, and seen it's a yes or a no.
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And also from the female perspective, we can see if it's a yes or a no.
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Are you guys talking about yourself the whole time?
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Is there any room for me here?
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Are you interested in me at all?
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Men don't ask us questions.
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Ask us questions.
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I feel like us women, we want to, you know, dig into you a lot.
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We like, we ask you guys so many questions because we're so used to it, because otherwise it's gonna be silent.
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Men, you guys don't ask us enough questions.
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I'm sure there are men out there that ask very good questions, and there there are.
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I've met you, I know you guys, you exist.
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But I'm talking about from the conversations I've had with people in my life, from research I've done on this, from podcasts, from just the general population.
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There's two sides.
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Women expect that a man will pay for them on their first date, and men, women expect not to be asked any questions, or that you're gonna like try something on us, or that you only want one thing.
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And it feeds that perpetual cycle of why people just don't connect authentically anymore.
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Again, we see something pretty, we see something that has money, we want to just take, take, take.
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We're not actually showing up to just see, but also don't date if you don't want to like really date, or just date unintentionally and then just don't care about anything I'm saying and do whatever you want to do.
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This episode does not apply to you.
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But if you're really looking to date intentionally and get to know someone intentionally, men, ask some questions and women, stop accepting so much.
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Just see if this is a dude that you want to like come home to after a long day and feel like you can vent about your day and that they're just gonna hold space for you.
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We don't need someone to fix our problems.
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Sometimes we don't even need anything.
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We just need someone to listen.
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Men, listen.
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Women also listen.
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This honestly, I don't even know why I'm saying men and women, this just applies to both.
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So let's navigate this mess mentally.
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Dropping in, being present, asking the right questions, not having expectations of what it should be or how they should be, and just really getting to know the person on the other side of not the table, the sidewalk.
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Emotionally, do you connect?
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Is there a give and take?
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Are you guys able to talk about stuff?
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Or is it just one person talking the entire time?
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Spiritually, if you're being more cognizant of how you do show up to dates and really what that looks like and being honest with yourself on an emotional level, you're spiritually just gonna change the trajectory of your dating.
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You're gonna be more dropped in, you're gonna be more present, you're gonna be more grounded, more available, more honest, more vulnerable.
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And if you are looking for a partner, it's probably gonna be a lot easier because you're gonna see clearer who you want to invest your time in, where you want to invest your money and with whom.
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And it's going to be way more fulfilling, that's for sure.
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So while dating can be such a mess and so crazy, if you really pull it apart and slow down, it can get a lot more simple.
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New York's tough, Chicago's tough, LA is tough, Scottsdale's tough.
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I'm sure Miami's tough.
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I mean, I can keep going, but I think we make it harder on ourselves because we assume where the other person is coming from, and then we try to meet their expectations without just getting in touch with where we're at, what we truly want, and then holding ourselves to that boundary and that standard.
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Because when someone's opposing us, sitting across that table, standing across that sidewalk, on that date with us, it's so easy to go back into the same repetitive things that we've always done.
00:17:53.039 --> 00:17:58.160
Flashy, talk about myself, spend the money, do the fun thing, be the best guy.
00:17:58.319 --> 00:17:59.519
Our egos get huge.
00:17:59.680 --> 00:18:00.640
Same with the girls.
00:18:00.799 --> 00:18:05.920
Wear that cute dress, dress up to the dines, expect that we're gonna be treated like a queen.
00:18:06.160 --> 00:18:08.960
We're just setting ourselves up for absolute failure.
00:18:09.119 --> 00:18:10.640
Take a beat, get a coffee.
00:18:10.960 --> 00:18:17.920
If you don't know how to change your dating cycles, and someone's like, Oh, I'd love to take you to dinner, be like, sounds really nice.
00:18:18.079 --> 00:18:20.400
Maybe eventually, but let's meet for a coffee first.
00:18:20.559 --> 00:18:22.799
Adjust your boundaries, take back your power.
00:18:22.960 --> 00:18:27.200
And also, men, your dating pool might get a lot smaller.
00:18:27.279 --> 00:18:33.680
But if you want to be more intentional and you're like, hey, I'd love to get a coffee with you, and the girl's like, No, I only do dinner on the first date.
00:18:33.839 --> 00:18:34.559
Well, okay.
00:18:34.720 --> 00:18:38.480
Maybe it's someone you really want to take out, but do you really want to go back into that same cycle?
00:18:38.640 --> 00:18:42.400
So hold yourself to a higher standard, hold yourself to that boundary.
00:18:42.559 --> 00:18:45.920
Someone's gonna try to cross it, but it's up to you to instill it.
00:18:46.000 --> 00:18:47.039
You're gonna be tested.
00:18:47.200 --> 00:18:51.599
Choose yourself, choose what you want, choose what you're looking for, and then implement it.
00:18:51.759 --> 00:18:55.519
Let's make dating a little easier on all of us.
00:18:55.759 --> 00:19:04.400
We could all use a break, and we could all really use a lot less pressure when it comes to how we show up on these dates.
00:19:04.559 --> 00:19:11.279
And let's like really just be ourselves and not try to project or perform or be a certain version of ourselves.
00:19:11.440 --> 00:19:12.960
Don't wear your cutest outfit.
00:19:13.039 --> 00:19:14.640
Don't spend the most money.
00:19:14.799 --> 00:19:19.119
Just put on a cute pair of jeans and a top and maybe don't blow your hair out.
00:19:19.359 --> 00:19:20.480
Just be natural.
00:19:20.640 --> 00:19:25.759
Because again, if you're looking to build something with someone, your partner's gonna see you eventually.
00:19:25.920 --> 00:19:27.680
So stop putting on a show.
00:19:27.839 --> 00:19:30.480
All right, guys, thank you for going inside out with me this week.
00:19:30.640 --> 00:19:36.160
Don't forget to share this with a friend, especially this episode with a friend and a guy friend and a girlfriend.
00:19:36.400 --> 00:19:37.200
Pass it along.
00:19:37.440 --> 00:19:47.440
Subscribe on Spotify, follow on Instagram at underscore insideout.podcast, and I will see you all next week.
00:19:47.680 --> 00:19:48.720
Have a good one.
00:19:49.039 --> 00:19:49.680
Bye.
00:00:06.400 --> 00:00:08.880
Welcome back to another episode of Inside Out.
00:00:08.960 --> 00:00:12.640
I'm your host Jojo and this is where we'll navigate the mess together.
00:00:12.800 --> 00:00:14.880
That is mental, emotional, and spiritual.
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Let's get into it.
00:00:27.039 --> 00:00:29.120
Well, hello and welcome back.
00:00:29.359 --> 00:00:31.839
This week I wanted to talk about dating.
00:00:32.240 --> 00:00:44.399
I was having a conversation with a friend of mine, and I was kind of coaching him in a way on dating from the female lens, but as a man.
00:00:44.799 --> 00:01:04.319
And he was in town in New York and he was taking this girl out on a date, and he was so excited, but there was like not a grounded energy of a way that he wanted to really make this date happen or, you know, make sure the experience was a good one.
00:01:04.480 --> 00:01:10.640
And it was very much from like his perspective and his lens of ego.
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And I get it, we all have an ego.
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But through this conversation, he really dropped in to really how dating and how people show up to dates really does affect the outcome of our relationships.
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And this was a first date, he'd never met this girl before, but I wanted to talk about this because I think all of us females have guy friends in our lives.
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And we kind of have these conversations with them and we're like, this is what we want.
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But what we get is so drastically different than what we're actually looking for.
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Like we don't care about, I mean, okay.
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I'm talking about myself here, but a majority of women do not care about the most expensive restaurant that you take us to, this super flashy date or spending a ton of money on us when we haven't really done anything to deserve it yet.
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Like, yeah, we can always argue, oh, we deserve to be treated well.
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Of course we do.
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But I'm saying, like, as a first date, that's not necessarily the highest priority.
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We're actually seeing like if there's a connection, and a lot of guys want to just flash and flaunt and be, you know, the the hottest shot in the room.
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And so I was talking to my friend about this, and I was like, all we want is to be seen, listened to.
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We don't want it to be all about you.
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Uh let me let me use a name for my friend.
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We don't want it to be the the Jack show.
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It's not the Jack show.
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We don't want to walk into a date with a man and it being like they're just bragging about their job, what they do, and that there's like no questions.
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We want to be asked questions.
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We want to feel like you're investing in us.
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We don't want you to just ask us a question and then flip the script back on yourself.
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I mean, I'll be even with my guy friends and I'll be talking about something, and all of a sudden it's like right back to them, which is fine.
00:03:14.960 --> 00:03:17.520
But when we're dating, it's two people.
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And typically, I mean, this goes both ways, but there's a misalignment when one person is just over-dominating with trying to impress the other.
00:03:28.400 --> 00:03:40.879
And typically, I have to say, like, it is the man because they want to get us a car and take us to dinner and do all the nice things and take us to drinks after and kind of have this like lineup of like, oh my god, I'm gonna knock her socks off.
00:03:41.039 --> 00:03:49.199
And it's again, it's very much about the me, me, me mentality of like, how am I showing up from the guy's perspective?
00:03:49.439 --> 00:03:51.439
We don't care, like, truly.
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I know again, women might want that to a certain extent.
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And maybe there is a higher percentage of women out there that are like, no, I want you to like get me a car and take me to the nicest place and all that stuff.
00:04:03.039 --> 00:04:05.439
But and that, okay, that's totally fine.
00:04:05.680 --> 00:04:11.599
But a majority of us just want to see if there's a connection, to see, is this someone I can talk to?
00:04:11.759 --> 00:04:14.159
Is this someone that I can like build something with?
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Back to my relationships episode.
00:04:16.160 --> 00:04:20.959
Is this someone I can plant a seed with and really have a healthy plant grow?
00:04:21.120 --> 00:04:30.160
Because rarely are you gonna sit across the table from someone who's just flaunting and bragging and has an ego the size of the Empire State Building?
00:04:30.240 --> 00:04:31.360
And you're like, what?
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I just like this was all about them, and I feel so unseen.
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I feel so unheard.
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They didn't even get to know me.
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It was like I could have been anyone across the table from them.
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They probably just would have done the same thing.
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How many guys actually drop in and are like, no, I want to get to know you?
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Or like actually like put in the work to really ask us questions.
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I've been on so many dates where I'm like, I literally could have been anybody.
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I could have been your therapist.
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I felt like your therapist, actually.
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And it's just constantly about them.
00:05:03.279 --> 00:05:08.959
And it's actually made me personally just not be interested in talking to that person again.
00:05:09.120 --> 00:05:18.000
Not because I have the ego of like, well, I need to be seen, but just like, there's no give and take, there's no equal reciprocity, there's no room for me here.
00:05:18.160 --> 00:05:22.160
A relationship's two people, a conversation's typically two people.
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You're not just talking.
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This isn't a podcast when you're on a date.
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You're not just like talking into a microphone with no feedback.
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There's someone sitting across from you.
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And also, personally, and I have polled my friends, we don't want to go to dinner on the first date.
00:05:37.279 --> 00:05:38.399
That's a lot of pressure.
00:05:38.560 --> 00:05:41.040
And also, like, we don't know what your intentions are.
00:05:41.279 --> 00:05:54.079
If I get a coffee with you and take a stroll, I have way more ability to see if this is a good investment of my time for an hour, an hour and a half, three hours the rest of my evening.
00:05:54.240 --> 00:06:03.519
There's so much pressure that's taken off, and there's no financial commitment or expectation on either side.
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Because if you just get coffee, that's$5, a little stroll under an hour, and you just see if there's a energy, if there's a vibe, if you guys click.
00:06:13.519 --> 00:06:28.639
I can't tell you how many of my guy friends are like, I am so over dating because it's such a financial commitment when they're just taking out girl after girl after girl, and some women actually are just wanting a free dinner, and that's totally fine.
00:06:28.800 --> 00:06:42.240
But that gives the women who are truly looking to build something with someone an unfair advantage because maybe a man gets to the date and they are kind of jaded because they're like, Well, that she just is gonna expect me to pay.
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She's not gonna pull her wallet, she's not gonna, you know, it's all like all the financial burden and responsibilities on me.
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And I don't know, I might never see her again.
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This one friend I was talking to was like, yeah, usually like there's a first and a second date, but it doesn't really go further than that.
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And I was like, why?
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I'm like, let's get into and break down why.
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Why is there not a second date?
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And he was like, Well, I want to like take her here and go like to like a really nice restaurant, and then the night goes on and it's like really fun, and you know, I'm just trying to show her a good time, and then maybe the next date I take her to like a sporting event, like the US Open or a Yankees playoff game.
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And I'm automatically just sitting there, like, there's there's no room for this to go somewhere.
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You've started at the top, there's only room to fall.
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Once a woman is getting all of that straight off the bat without really having like earned it's the wrong word, because again, we do deserve this.
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Everyone deserves to be treated really well, of course.
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It's not what I'm saying here.
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But if if that's the start, we're gonna just expect it to keep going up, up, up, and there's no room for it to level out and be normal.
00:07:50.560 --> 00:07:55.839
If you start at coffee, there's so much more room for anything else.
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Literally, coffee, then maybe seeing a movie, going bowling, get more active, take a hike, then go to a sporting event, then go to a nice dinner, comedy show, Broadway.
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There's more to build on, but if you're automatically just doing the most fun thing right away at the top, it's like, so where's this gonna go?
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You I kind of already got everything I wanted.
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And maybe that's why some girls are like, okay, well, if someone's gonna treat me like that on the first date, someone can treat me better.
00:08:21.439 --> 00:08:25.759
And I I do want to play both sides on this because I think it's it's so tough.
00:08:25.920 --> 00:08:27.920
And you hear about it in every city.
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I have friends all over, and it's like, oh my gosh, Scottsdale's the worst city to date in.
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Oh my gosh, LA is the worst city to date, and London's the worst city to date, and Chicago is the worst city to date in.
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New York is the worst.
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I mean, we get it.
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Everywhere's the worst.
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But is it actually the worst?
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Or are people just showing up kind of not in a realistic way on these dates?
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Like you're showing your best foot forward.
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That's cool.
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You should be polite, you should be a gentleman, you should be chivalrous, you you should show you care, you should show that you're there's like investment in this person.
00:09:01.360 --> 00:09:08.000
But I think there's a way to do this and kind of dial it back a bit so that we're not burnt out on either end.
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We're not burnt out on the giving or the receiving end.
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Because if a man is constantly, again, paying for the dinners and doing these expensive, extravagant dates, the right woman can come along, but she's gonna just be treated probably the same way and he's gonna be resentful of that, maybe unknowingly, because he's done it so much.
00:09:26.240 --> 00:09:38.799
I think there's so many expectations that come into dating when it's just two people meeting for the first time, having a coffee, and taking a walk is probably the most grounded way to see how you communicate.
00:09:39.039 --> 00:09:40.879
Is there a conversation here?
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Is it one person just constantly doing the Jack show?
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Or I mean, women can also do the JoJo show.
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You know, we can sit here and be like, oh my God, I did this and I did that, and like it can be all about us.
00:09:52.559 --> 00:10:01.600
But no one is actually who wants to see if there's a connection between you two, gonna look at that and be like, oh yeah, I'm just gonna be in her shadow the whole time.
00:10:01.919 --> 00:10:04.240
No, we all wanna be seen.
00:10:04.399 --> 00:10:09.360
We all want a voice, we all want to be heard, we all want to be respected and appreciated.
00:10:09.519 --> 00:10:13.200
But that doesn't happen if it's one-sided on these dates.
00:10:13.360 --> 00:10:15.039
There's no room for growth.
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It has to be a natural progression in a totally unnatural world of dating.
00:10:21.360 --> 00:10:22.240
Riddle me that.
00:10:22.399 --> 00:10:30.639
So I was talking to my friend and I told Jack, okay, well, like he wanted to actually go pick this girl up from her apartment in an Uber.
00:10:30.720 --> 00:10:32.559
And I was like, all right, too much.
00:10:32.720 --> 00:10:33.360
Way too much.
00:10:33.440 --> 00:10:34.559
You've never met her before.
00:10:34.639 --> 00:10:35.840
Like, we need to dial it back.
00:10:36.000 --> 00:10:37.840
If you want to send her a car, send her a car.
00:10:38.000 --> 00:10:38.320
Fine.
00:10:38.480 --> 00:10:41.039
You know, he sends her a car, they meet at the restaurant.
00:10:41.200 --> 00:10:42.000
That's amazing.
00:10:42.159 --> 00:10:50.960
But I was like, even just in the conversation that I'm having with you right now, everything that I'm saying to you, you're turning it back on you and you're like making it about you.
00:10:51.279 --> 00:10:54.960
He asked me a question about like my career, and I started talking about it.
00:10:55.039 --> 00:10:56.559
He's like, Oh, yeah, I'm like trying to find a new job.
00:10:56.639 --> 00:10:59.200
And I was like, Jack, you're doing it again.
00:10:59.360 --> 00:11:01.360
You have to let her talk.
00:11:01.519 --> 00:11:02.960
You have to let me talk.
00:11:03.120 --> 00:11:06.960
Like, you need to not just like keep making the conversation go back to you.
00:11:07.120 --> 00:11:10.720
You need to drop in, you need to listen to her, really listen to her.
00:11:10.879 --> 00:11:14.399
Because if you're not interested in anything she has to say, why are you out with her?
00:11:14.559 --> 00:11:18.639
There's so much flashiness that happens in dating today.
00:11:18.799 --> 00:11:25.759
Again, I think it's just it's so tough because the majority of us, we just want a real connection.
00:11:26.000 --> 00:11:28.720
And the other parts of us just want a fun night.
00:11:28.879 --> 00:11:32.960
Whether people want to admit it or not, we all want to find a real connection with someone.
00:11:33.120 --> 00:11:34.320
We all want to find our person.
00:11:34.480 --> 00:11:37.440
It might not be right now, but then get real with yourself about that.
00:11:37.519 --> 00:11:50.080
Because if you are going on these dates, giving a false sense of, I want a relationship, and then you're doing all these things and giving yourself that feedback loop of, oh, it's so expensive to date in New York, I always have to pay.
00:11:50.240 --> 00:11:59.120
Women just want a free dinner, and you're not actually wanting to be dating in the first place, you're setting yourself up for failure.
00:11:59.279 --> 00:12:21.360
But if you truly want to build a connection with someone, why not find out if that person is actually someone you want to build a connection with by not spending$400 at dinner or on an entire night and spending$5 on her latte and 40 minutes on a walk and just seeing if there's any sort of interest connection or anything?
00:12:21.440 --> 00:12:27.200
Because you'll know straight off the bat if that girl is looking for your money or if there's actually something stronger deeper there.
00:12:27.360 --> 00:12:28.799
You know the show The Bachelorette?
00:12:28.960 --> 00:12:31.279
These people go on insane dates.
00:12:31.440 --> 00:12:38.159
Their first date is like a helicopter ride around some beautiful island or paragliding, but it's the top.
00:12:38.320 --> 00:12:40.159
Of course, that's the best date you've ever had.
00:12:40.320 --> 00:12:44.000
It's the it's the top of the totem pole for experiences.
00:12:44.240 --> 00:12:57.679
Same thing if you take a girl to a really nice fancy dinner like uh an omakase or a chef's table, like pairing with wine, and it's gonna be so much fun because you're doing such a fun experience together.
00:12:57.840 --> 00:12:59.840
That's not a reflection of life.
00:13:00.000 --> 00:13:05.279
That's not a reflection of a real relationship, and that's not also a reflection of an authentic connection.
00:13:05.440 --> 00:13:08.799
You can connect with anybody doing something fun.
00:13:09.039 --> 00:13:10.799
You guys are having a shared experience.
00:13:10.960 --> 00:13:12.240
Of course, it's gonna be fun.
00:13:12.480 --> 00:13:21.200
But are you able to build a real connection or have just as much fun with someone walking down the street drinking a coffee?
00:13:21.440 --> 00:13:23.120
And maybe that's where we get stuck.
00:13:23.279 --> 00:13:30.720
Maybe what really sets us apart from finding someone is the resentment and the expectation instead of the connection.
00:13:30.960 --> 00:13:35.840
So just to offer a little bit of advice, date different.
00:13:36.000 --> 00:13:38.559
Go on a walk, get a coffee, get an ice cream.
00:13:38.720 --> 00:13:40.399
If you don't drink caffeine, get a tea.
00:13:40.480 --> 00:13:40.960
I don't know.
00:13:41.039 --> 00:13:41.919
Do something different.
00:13:42.000 --> 00:13:46.080
Don't sit down at a restaurant or do something super fun and out there.
00:13:46.159 --> 00:13:48.799
Like just take a walk and get to know the person.
00:13:49.039 --> 00:13:53.200
See if there's like any sort of anything there than if you even like their company.
00:13:53.360 --> 00:13:55.759
Because you can like someone's company if you're doing something fun.
00:13:55.919 --> 00:13:56.559
It's easy.
00:13:56.720 --> 00:14:11.440
And if you're having a few drinks and like some social lubrication to like, you know, ease it up, get the nerves out, you can kind of gaslight yourself into thinking that this is a connection when you probably don't have anything in common.
00:14:11.600 --> 00:14:24.559
And then you're just perpetuating more and more dates, spending more and more money, investing more and more time and money into this person when you could have just gone on one date, one coffee stroll, and seen it's a yes or a no.
00:14:24.720 --> 00:14:27.440
And also from the female perspective, we can see if it's a yes or a no.
00:14:27.519 --> 00:14:29.200
Are you guys talking about yourself the whole time?
00:14:29.360 --> 00:14:30.799
Is there any room for me here?
00:14:31.039 --> 00:14:32.879
Are you interested in me at all?
00:14:33.279 --> 00:14:34.879
Men don't ask us questions.
00:14:35.120 --> 00:14:36.080
Ask us questions.
00:14:36.240 --> 00:14:39.440
I feel like us women, we want to, you know, dig into you a lot.
00:14:39.679 --> 00:14:44.320
We like, we ask you guys so many questions because we're so used to it, because otherwise it's gonna be silent.
00:14:44.480 --> 00:14:46.320
Men, you guys don't ask us enough questions.
00:14:46.480 --> 00:14:49.759
I'm sure there are men out there that ask very good questions, and there there are.
00:14:49.919 --> 00:14:52.000
I've met you, I know you guys, you exist.
00:14:52.240 --> 00:15:03.919
But I'm talking about from the conversations I've had with people in my life, from research I've done on this, from podcasts, from just the general population.
00:15:04.080 --> 00:15:04.960
There's two sides.
00:15:05.200 --> 00:15:14.559
Women expect that a man will pay for them on their first date, and men, women expect not to be asked any questions, or that you're gonna like try something on us, or that you only want one thing.
00:15:14.720 --> 00:15:21.279
And it feeds that perpetual cycle of why people just don't connect authentically anymore.
00:15:21.519 --> 00:15:26.159
Again, we see something pretty, we see something that has money, we want to just take, take, take.
00:15:26.399 --> 00:15:38.399
We're not actually showing up to just see, but also don't date if you don't want to like really date, or just date unintentionally and then just don't care about anything I'm saying and do whatever you want to do.
00:15:38.639 --> 00:15:40.320
This episode does not apply to you.
00:15:40.480 --> 00:15:48.240
But if you're really looking to date intentionally and get to know someone intentionally, men, ask some questions and women, stop accepting so much.
00:15:48.320 --> 00:15:57.440
Just see if this is a dude that you want to like come home to after a long day and feel like you can vent about your day and that they're just gonna hold space for you.
00:15:57.600 --> 00:15:59.200
We don't need someone to fix our problems.
00:15:59.360 --> 00:16:01.200
Sometimes we don't even need anything.
00:16:01.279 --> 00:16:02.559
We just need someone to listen.
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Men, listen.
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Women also listen.
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This honestly, I don't even know why I'm saying men and women, this just applies to both.
00:16:08.960 --> 00:16:11.200
So let's navigate this mess mentally.
00:16:11.440 --> 00:16:24.240
Dropping in, being present, asking the right questions, not having expectations of what it should be or how they should be, and just really getting to know the person on the other side of not the table, the sidewalk.
00:16:24.399 --> 00:16:26.080
Emotionally, do you connect?
00:16:26.240 --> 00:16:27.279
Is there a give and take?
00:16:27.440 --> 00:16:28.960
Are you guys able to talk about stuff?
00:16:29.120 --> 00:16:31.600
Or is it just one person talking the entire time?
00:16:31.840 --> 00:16:45.919
Spiritually, if you're being more cognizant of how you do show up to dates and really what that looks like and being honest with yourself on an emotional level, you're spiritually just gonna change the trajectory of your dating.
00:16:46.080 --> 00:16:54.240
You're gonna be more dropped in, you're gonna be more present, you're gonna be more grounded, more available, more honest, more vulnerable.
00:16:54.399 --> 00:17:06.319
And if you are looking for a partner, it's probably gonna be a lot easier because you're gonna see clearer who you want to invest your time in, where you want to invest your money and with whom.
00:17:06.640 --> 00:17:10.799
And it's going to be way more fulfilling, that's for sure.
00:17:11.039 --> 00:17:19.599
So while dating can be such a mess and so crazy, if you really pull it apart and slow down, it can get a lot more simple.
00:17:19.759 --> 00:17:23.839
New York's tough, Chicago's tough, LA is tough, Scottsdale's tough.
00:17:24.000 --> 00:17:25.599
I'm sure Miami's tough.
00:17:25.759 --> 00:17:43.680
I mean, I can keep going, but I think we make it harder on ourselves because we assume where the other person is coming from, and then we try to meet their expectations without just getting in touch with where we're at, what we truly want, and then holding ourselves to that boundary and that standard.
00:17:43.839 --> 00:17:52.799
Because when someone's opposing us, sitting across that table, standing across that sidewalk, on that date with us, it's so easy to go back into the same repetitive things that we've always done.
00:17:53.039 --> 00:17:58.160
Flashy, talk about myself, spend the money, do the fun thing, be the best guy.
00:17:58.319 --> 00:17:59.519
Our egos get huge.
00:17:59.680 --> 00:18:00.640
Same with the girls.
00:18:00.799 --> 00:18:05.920
Wear that cute dress, dress up to the dines, expect that we're gonna be treated like a queen.
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We're just setting ourselves up for absolute failure.
00:18:09.119 --> 00:18:10.640
Take a beat, get a coffee.
00:18:10.960 --> 00:18:17.920
If you don't know how to change your dating cycles, and someone's like, Oh, I'd love to take you to dinner, be like, sounds really nice.
00:18:18.079 --> 00:18:20.400
Maybe eventually, but let's meet for a coffee first.
00:18:20.559 --> 00:18:22.799
Adjust your boundaries, take back your power.
00:18:22.960 --> 00:18:27.200
And also, men, your dating pool might get a lot smaller.
00:18:27.279 --> 00:18:33.680
But if you want to be more intentional and you're like, hey, I'd love to get a coffee with you, and the girl's like, No, I only do dinner on the first date.
00:18:33.839 --> 00:18:34.559
Well, okay.
00:18:34.720 --> 00:18:38.480
Maybe it's someone you really want to take out, but do you really want to go back into that same cycle?
00:18:38.640 --> 00:18:42.400
So hold yourself to a higher standard, hold yourself to that boundary.
00:18:42.559 --> 00:18:45.920
Someone's gonna try to cross it, but it's up to you to instill it.
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You're gonna be tested.
00:18:47.200 --> 00:18:51.599
Choose yourself, choose what you want, choose what you're looking for, and then implement it.
00:18:51.759 --> 00:18:55.519
Let's make dating a little easier on all of us.
00:18:55.759 --> 00:19:04.400
We could all use a break, and we could all really use a lot less pressure when it comes to how we show up on these dates.
00:19:04.559 --> 00:19:11.279
And let's like really just be ourselves and not try to project or perform or be a certain version of ourselves.
00:19:11.440 --> 00:19:12.960
Don't wear your cutest outfit.
00:19:13.039 --> 00:19:14.640
Don't spend the most money.
00:19:14.799 --> 00:19:19.119
Just put on a cute pair of jeans and a top and maybe don't blow your hair out.
00:19:19.359 --> 00:19:20.480
Just be natural.
00:19:20.640 --> 00:19:25.759
Because again, if you're looking to build something with someone, your partner's gonna see you eventually.
00:19:25.920 --> 00:19:27.680
So stop putting on a show.
00:19:27.839 --> 00:19:30.480
All right, guys, thank you for going inside out with me this week.
00:19:30.640 --> 00:19:36.160
Don't forget to share this with a friend, especially this episode with a friend and a guy friend and a girlfriend.
00:19:36.400 --> 00:19:37.200
Pass it along.
00:19:37.440 --> 00:19:47.440
Subscribe on Spotify, follow on Instagram at underscore insideout.podcast, and I will see you all next week.
00:19:47.680 --> 00:19:48.720
Have a good one.
00:19:49.039 --> 00:19:49.680
Bye.
