Crossing Thresholds: Receiving, Growing & the Wild Mother with Noor Tagouri

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Welcome to Illuminated, a sacred listening sanctuary for artists, mystics, and cultural visionaries, where sacred creativity, erotic power, and soul vision converge in devotion to birth a luminous new world.
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This is a temple of sound where intimacy and shadow become the alchemy of light.
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I am your host, Iset Rose, and this is a ceremonial space.
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Today a sanctuary of motherhood, humility, and becoming.
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Let us receive a breath.
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Today we are sitting at a threshold between identities, between independence and interdependence, between the woman Nord has been and the mother she is becoming.
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Thresholds uh dismantle us before they remake us.
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And sometimes the dismantling begins long before the baby arrives, at least.
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That's what it did for me.
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Nord, beloved.
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Welcome.
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Thank you so much.
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It's really beautiful that you opened with the with naming the thresholds because I had a really big writing breakthrough last month around crossing thresholds during this time.
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It's one of those like middle-of-the-night writing sessions that we're we talk often about.
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And uh it's such a an important part of the journey to actually honor and name because there are so many thresholds that we're crossing so often.
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And sometimes you have to name that you're actually crossing it so that you can integrate it and not like feel like there's one foot in one chapter and one foot in the other.
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Yes.
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So very, very, very potent.
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Yes.
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Before we begin, I would love to ask you.
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I mean, there's a liter in the literal sense, but like in the metaphorical sense, what is alive in your body right now?
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One word, one sensation.
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I know that there's real life in your body.
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And apart from that, like a word, a sensation, one truth.
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Um, yeah.
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Yeah, it's what's alive in my body is just the state of inquiry and curiosity.
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I think that um I've always thought in question since I was really young.
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Like I've I even when I like communicate with people, sometimes I end up communicating with more question marks and periods.
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And that's just how I've always been.
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And I think it's my like commitment to just openness and possibility and curiosity and um recognizing that things change and answers change.
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So what's alive in me right now is just like this like deep just state of inquiry.
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Like the questions are constantly evolving, but um, I've really been living in that in the questions rather than like thinking about them.
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Yeah.
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I love that about you.
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You're so inquisitive and curious, and every time we're together, I you're so full of questions, and I just I love that about you.
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I mean, obviously, I think that's what also makes you such a great journalist and writer and just human on the planet in this moment to stay so open in that way.
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So thank you for that.
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Thank you.
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It's it's thank you so much for saying that.
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It's like one of those things that I I treasure that like we I was able to maintain as a child, like yeah, and and continue it into adulthood.
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I think that so many of us, when we're children, we uh are incredibly curious and inquisitive, and you know, the this question of but why, but why, but why is like appropriate and welcomed at that point and that at that stage.
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And um, I was writing about this this morning, like that I I really do believe it's such a privilege that I was able to protect that about myself, and I've been able to bring it into my work as a journalist, but also uh to take that just the act of asking questions about other people, about communities, about stories, and turn it inward has been really uh the big breakthrough of the last few years of my life is just being able to like turn all of the tools and the questions inward.
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Yeah, yeah.
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That's that's the that's the spiritual journey.
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That's way to way to use that skill for your own growth for the betterment of everything you do.
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Oh, and I wanted to say your beautiful name, Nur Tajuri.
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Did I say it right?
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Yes, yes, yeah.
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You may be one of the only people who's ever interviewed me who've said it all the way right.
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So thank you.
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Oh my goodness, it's such an honor.
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It's such a gorgeous, gorgeous name.
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I mean, you're known in the world as an amazing journalist and creator, and I don't know, do you consider yourself an activist?
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Oh, it's a really great question because I talk about this a lot.
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Um, when I so I have been a journalist since I was 15 years old, and I've I literally started working in in print and at a newspaper when I was 15, and I've had a job in journalism ever since.
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So it's been 17 years.
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And at the same week that I like got my first job as a journalist is the week that I started wearing the hijab and I started covering my hair for the following 15 years.
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And um at the time, whenever you spoke about journalism, the polar opposite or like the cardinal sin in journalism was to be an activist.
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And I really like was a stickler about being objective and like making sure that I was seen as a journalist before anything else.
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But because I wore a hijab, all at least that's what I thought.
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I thought because I wore a hijab, that's why people kept calling me and referring to me as an activist first before a journalist.
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And it was really quite frustrating.
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Um, I wrote an entire article about it in like 2013.
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And when I had started to explore why it was really frustrating to me, um, it was also my frustration with journalism in general, which was that we are taught to like sensitize stories or to like pretend like there is a moral equivalence.
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And Krishna Mampore writes about that or spoke about this when she um was reporting on the Bosnian genocide, and she was accused of being pro-Muslim, and she says that we must be truthful and never neutral and to never draw false moral equivalents.
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And so I stuck with that um as a way to cope with being called an activist because it was like the worst thing that you could call me, uh, according to my own programming as a journalist.
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And it's interesting because um there's a there's a brilliant journalist and writer, Umar alakad, who wrote recently a book that came out last year called One Day Everyone Will Have Been Against This.
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And um he, I actually just quoted this in uh a keynote at like one of the biggest journals and conferences last week.
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And he writes that journalism at its core is one of the most activist endeavors there is.
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Journalists are meant to agitate against power, against privilege, against silence.
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And that act was very much challenged, of course, like it in 2013 until now, with the war slash genocide in Raza, and that's when people started really actually um questioning this notion of are you a journalist or are you an activist?
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And when I wrote that original article in 2013, it interestingly enough, it was actually about a story um of uh like strikes in Gaza that had killed people, and I had reported on the numbers, the statistics of how many people had died, and somebody in my newsroom had tweeted that I was being an activist because I reported on the death toll.
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And I wrote about how like how is it that anytime you're telling a story around specifically Arabs and Muslims, especially that like no matter how objective, quote unquote, it can be, it is still seen as a form of activism.
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So that was that was and that was literally 13 years ago when I wrote about that.
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So now I I personally don't, I know it's a very long answer to this question, but it's something that like has been such a core part of my entire career, yeah, is like resisting this label.
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And now I don't resist it as much, but I don't actively say I am an activist, yeah, because I think that, and I used to also say this, I I never want I I think that that definition is quite expansive, but you know, traditionally when I was being called that, I felt like it was taking away from the work that people were doing on the ground, organizing and putting like fighting for specific policies and uh organizing protests.
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Those weren't things that I was doing.
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I was reporting on on these stories.
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Um, and then one time last summer, a friend of mine who had called me an activist, and I got really frustrated with that, and she said, Noor, but you are an activist because every story that you report on is it's very clear that you want to see change.
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And I thought that that was also an interesting framework around activism and storytelling of like, well, yeah, I I do want to see.
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I think that if if we're journalists and we're reporting on injustice and we don't like communicate the level of urgency that is required for us to actually come to a place where we want to be a part of change, then like what are we doing?
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And that and now full circle of this whole thing, it's the longest answer of all time.
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But it's I struck a chord.
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Yeah, you really did.
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It's also the timing of your question is is quite uh it's quite amazing because now we are watching the American media system and infrastructure come to its knees and crumble in a way that most people could have never expected, except for the fact that like I saw this coming.
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My partner who started AYS at your service with me saw this coming because we were trained to be like talking heads, robots who all sounded the same, looked the same, and regurgitated the same script over and over and over again without question.
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And now we're learning that like a lot of those scripts were did have a slant, didn't were were not inclusive of multiple perspectives.
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Oftentimes the stories about the oppressed were told by people who were also oppressors.
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So it's like all of these threads that just ended up being unraveled, and now here we are.
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And I'm like, and I come back to Omar alakad's uh writing where he says journalism at its core is an activist endeavor.
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Yeah, I mean, I, you know, I think about I don't know, as you're speaking, I'm thinking about like Tony Morrison, James Baldwin, Audrey Lord, Bell Hooks, like, you know, these are phenomenal storytellers, but they were activists.
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Like, you know, not in the traditional sense, but they were, I mean, they've made culture, they made sense, they shifted perspective, they were telling the truth.
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Like, it's just um and they were they were not seen very fondly in society the times that they were alive.
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I just I just watched uh Bell Hooks interview from 2003.
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Like uh I watched it last week, it came up on my YouTube algorithm, and she was talking about how that she was she has always been seen as a radical writer, and the more radical she got, the less that people wanted to review her books.
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And I thought that was a very interesting uh thought because I'm I'm I wouldn't really be thinking about oh, like so-and-so will or will not re review the book, but she was like naming a very specific way that because of how open she was and because of how much she pushed people to think uh that she, I think she named it the New York Times, like wouldn't review her work anymore because they didn't want to bring attention to it and because like they it was too much for them.
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And it's funny because in the same interview, which was 23 years ago, she was talking about the rise of fascism in the United States, and now we're seeing it.
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So I'm just like, this is so crazy because it's it's the people who were warning us, who are ostracized from society, who were seen a very specific type of way, and now they're no longer here to see this part, but like it's the same cycle happening again.
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And so, what is our role in that?
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Exactly.
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And thank God that their writing exists for us as uh, you know, something to to anchor us and be like, okay, we're not crazy.
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Like somebody was speaking to this way back then.
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They saw the writing on the wall the way you said you and Adam saw the writing on the wall, right?
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So this particular podcast is about you becoming a mother against that backdrop, you know, that journey.
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Um and I I just was thinking back to my journey as a mother who was at the, you know, when I got pregnant, I was very much in the height of my career managing Alicia Keys.
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Um and from the entire pregnancy, the childbirth to afterwards, I mean, it was just this like multi-part journey, you know, in the same way that there's all these trimesters of the birth, like we go through these trimesters as mothers that far exceed kind of when the baby comes and, you know, and I was just thinking, wow, like I've walked through this portal with so many sisters, but I would it would be so beautiful to speak to it and kind of document it in a way.
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And I had this thought to do that with you.
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And it's like, would you be open to doing like a three or four part series or we talk now and then we talk a little bit later, and then we talk about later, and you're just like, yes, let's do it.
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So that's what we're here to talk about today.
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So I just really appreciate you being willing to open up about that because it's really tender and and um deep, but also it's just it's one of it's I don't know a more real, I mean, death and birth, right?
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Like these are the initiation portals that our life is all about, right?
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These death and birth portals.
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And I just want to take us back to the dinner we had over the summer.
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Um, I keep thinking about it because you were in your beautiful, curious, thoughtful, unsure, kind of asking me all these questions about motherhood.
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And you were reckoning with whether you wanted to be a mom, like am I ready?
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Do I want this?
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I don't know.
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And what we didn't know the whole time.
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What we didn't know is that you were already pregnant at that dinner.
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So when you look back at that moment now, like what do you feel?
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Did something in you already know what was shifting beneath the surface?
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Like, what definitely did not know.
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For sure, I didn't know.
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I will say it's funny because um, like shortly before that dinner, Adam had said to me, you know, you only ask questions about things that you're really interested in or you're really curious about.
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And so clearly you have a curiosity around motherhood.
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Yeah.
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And I still I it's not that I don't know what that curiosity is right now or that it's not alive in me.
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I just don't think that it is alive in the traditional sense or the sense the way that I've seen it be alive in some of my family members or my friends.
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I my curiosity around it has been, well, one, my very blunt question I was asking you and I was asking other people is like, is it worth it?
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Like, is it really worth doing?
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And I don't really know what I like what I meant by that or why I was asking it in that way.
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I think it was like this place of I feel really content in my life, and is this something that I want to add to?
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And also, is it the responsible thing to do in the world that we live in?
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Which, like, not that there's ever been a you know state of the world that has ever been perfect and fully safe.
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And um and then I think I just when it happened, so I found out I was pregnant because of a dream.
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I had a voice come to me and tell me that I was pregnant in my sleep, which is for those of you for those and I don't think any of the listeners, but for those in my life who know me, that's like a very common occurrence.
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Like that's not something that's inter terribly surprising.
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Um and there subsequently was a series of dreams that came to me about this like spirit in this being that's in growing in the womb who like wanted to be here and is choosing to be here.
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And I think I really needed to come to turn like to that acceptance of it it actually isn't about me, and that I am just a vessel carrying this being into the world, but like they also have their own destiny and their own assignment.
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And they were coming through quite strong in the dream.
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I mean, they gave me their name and their purpose and what they were coming here to do, and I was just like, oh, this has nothing to do with me, actually.
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Um, I mean, maybe it has some to do with me, and you know, but the other thing, the other curiosity I had around it, which I think I I spoke with you about as well, is that is that I consider myself like truly a student of life.
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Like, that's why I love being a journalist.
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I love asking questions because I love learning.
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And um I think that I was really interested in children as the ultimate teachers because like they are you know, not from the beginning, you know, they're not indoctrinated or they don't have specific like agendas, they're just truth beings and and light.
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And so I have this curiosity around learning from that place.
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And as I said that, the baby just like moved in my wound, so I'm just like, yeah, okay, cool.
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And I've already learned so much.
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I mean, like pregnancy has I am 32 and a half weeks, so less than two months away, which is oh it's so wild.
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Like, I it still isn't fully hitting me.
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Today's my first childbirth class, so I'm like, maybe tonight it will, but yeah, um, yeah, I am just like this this journey of growing in this way has been so confronting.
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Yeah.
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Like when I found out and I officially took the test, I screamed and had a panic attack, and I almost fainted.
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And I just kept screaming over and over again.
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I'm so scared, I'm so scared, I'm so scared.
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Like it was all of this grief that came out.
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It was not, that was like one of the worst days that like Adam and I had ever ever had, which is so not like you know, you see all these videos of people like jumping for joy, and and that's their truth, and that's valid and amazing and beautiful.
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That just wasn't the case for me.
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Yes.
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Um, and so many.
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That's just not what shows up on social media.
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Yeah, you know, it's scary.
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Wildly scary.
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I do have a video of my reaction because something in me told me to play it, and I couldn't even hit record before the second line came up.
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And I fully have my panic attack and like fainting basically on camera.
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And I haven't shown that video to I've shown it to zero people, it'll probably stay that way.
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And I just watch it to like I was like, that was for me to like witness myself.
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And yeah, no, why would I nobody would post that shit online?
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But also, you know, I mean, I'm on one hand, like I, you know, I wish it could be more normalized, you know, totally, you know, not I don't want you to post it.
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I'm just saying, just so that in the less alone, you know what I mean?
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I mean, I know a friend of mine, you know, she had her baby and it took her weeks to feel connected to the baby.
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And it was just like the guilt of that because the narrative is like they come out and you're so connected and you love them.
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And like that was not true for her.
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Now she adores.
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Them now.
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But it was, it took her a minute to get there.
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And like we couldn't find that narrative anywhere out there.
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So she was like really confronted by that.
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Like, I'm a bad mom, da-da-da-da-da, you know, and it's like, no, for so many reasons that could be the case, you know?
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Yeah.
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But I wanted to just say, like, I wanted to just respond, you know, I think the the view that you're holding on you as a vessel is really beautiful and will serve you so well in your journey as a mother.
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And your child is doing things to really understand that they are their own soul with their own mission, their own purpose.
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And um to to hold that with like open hands, like that type of love of your child is so incredible.
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And they chose this life and they chose you because you will help them fulfill their purpose for better or for worse.
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That part.
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So that part.
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So just want to acknowledge that like it's both and.
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But I want to go to like the, you know, the the kind of dark times of it all, because I I watched a video you posted recently and you were really so honest about how dark the first trimester was.
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Yeah.
00:23:24.400 --> 00:23:26.880
And you laughed when you said it, but it was real.
00:23:27.200 --> 00:23:34.480
Um I I really remember feeling like I was dying when I was pregnant.
00:23:34.640 --> 00:23:36.000
I mean, it was so hard.
00:23:36.160 --> 00:23:39.039
And so what was that darkness for you?
00:23:39.279 --> 00:23:41.839
Did it feel like a descent, like a crossing?
00:23:42.000 --> 00:23:44.400
Like what surface was there fear, grief?
00:23:44.480 --> 00:23:49.279
You'd mentioned grief, yeah, loss of control, like all of the things.
00:23:49.599 --> 00:23:52.480
I think on a fit on a physical level, it's all of it.
00:23:52.640 --> 00:24:04.880
On a physical level, obviously in hormonal level, it was like just me like being inundated with all of these emotions all at once.
00:24:05.039 --> 00:24:12.240
The day before I found out I was pregnant, I had I had FaceTime with my parents and I was crying on the phone to them, and I was like, something is wrong with me.
00:24:12.400 --> 00:24:13.440
I don't feel okay.
00:24:13.599 --> 00:24:15.119
Like I just can't stop crying.
00:24:15.279 --> 00:24:17.680
I was so emotional, I couldn't understand why.
00:24:17.759 --> 00:24:19.519
And then that night was when I had the dream.
00:24:19.680 --> 00:24:23.119
So there, I obviously there was something that was already brewing.
00:24:23.759 --> 00:24:36.400
But the physical part of um I obviously was extremely nauseous and had super intense fatigue, and I was pretty much horizontal on a couch um for like three months.
00:24:36.480 --> 00:24:37.759
I couldn't do anything.
00:24:38.000 --> 00:24:48.079
And as somebody who's like very high performing, high-functioning, gets shit done kind of vibe, I could not reckon with that.
00:24:48.240 --> 00:24:53.440
And it was really like it put me in a place of like, will I ever be able to do again?
00:24:53.599 --> 00:24:56.000
And uh is this what it's gonna be like?
00:24:56.160 --> 00:25:00.880
And then I and I started having a lot of rage.
00:25:01.200 --> 00:25:03.440
Rage was such a prominent feeling.
00:25:03.599 --> 00:25:06.880
I had rage towards like how women and mothers are treated.
00:25:06.960 --> 00:25:15.680
I'm like, it was I had rage over the fact that our society and system is not built for support during that time.
00:25:15.759 --> 00:25:20.559
I had rage that, like, you know, first trimester, nobody really shares that they're pregnant.
00:25:20.720 --> 00:25:22.000
So you can't even tell people that you are.
00:25:22.079 --> 00:25:27.759
So you're showing up to these meetings, you're trying to work and you're doing these things, and like you're like fully alone and isolated.
00:25:27.920 --> 00:25:33.759
I remember once telling Adam, like, everywhere we go, I feel like I'm there, but I like I'm physically there, but I'm not there.
00:25:34.000 --> 00:25:40.240
And that was like a really new feeling of like disassociation and not being present to that extreme.
00:25:40.799 --> 00:25:49.440
But um the most the the big thing that I really had to move through was um self-worth and produ and productivity.
00:25:49.599 --> 00:25:55.039
And I realized like that, you know, capitalism is one of my indoctrinations.
00:25:55.200 --> 00:25:57.359
And so I'm like, how am I gonna be able to work?
00:25:57.440 --> 00:25:58.480
How are we gonna be able to survive?
00:25:58.640 --> 00:26:00.160
How am I gonna be able to do anything?
00:26:00.319 --> 00:26:02.240
If I and am I no good?
00:26:02.400 --> 00:26:04.960
Is there is there nothing that I can offer?
00:26:05.200 --> 00:26:16.240
And I didn't feel any connection to what my body was doing actively and see that as worthy because it was like not something I actively chose.
00:26:16.559 --> 00:26:21.759
And you know, obviously I I've also been with the same person for 10 years.
00:26:21.920 --> 00:26:22.880
I didn't even know.
00:26:23.039 --> 00:26:30.319
I have um an autoimmune illness, I didn't know that this was even possible for me because I had doctors who told me that it might not be.
00:26:30.480 --> 00:26:36.000
So when it happened, like, and I had I was, you know, I was actually at peace with that.
00:26:36.079 --> 00:26:37.920
That was not that was okay with me.
00:26:38.400 --> 00:26:42.799
Um so when it did happen, I was like, this is out of my control.
00:26:42.960 --> 00:26:44.319
I didn't choose this.
00:26:44.960 --> 00:27:00.640
I felt like I committed to it because it was just to me like the dreams that I had had, I was like, wait, this isn't about me, and so I have to be here and uh and be present for this and with this.
00:27:00.799 --> 00:27:13.119
But yeah, it was it was just like this deep depression that I didn't know that could happen so quickly and so intensely, and and just didn't know when it would end.
00:27:13.519 --> 00:27:20.319
And I had beautiful support from like my friends that I had told.
00:27:20.640 --> 00:27:32.720
Um, it was really wild because the day that I had found out I was pregnant, I was doing a shoot for our we have some we had something called Wild Woman Club based on Clarissa Pinkola SC's Women Who Arnold The Wolves.
00:27:32.880 --> 00:27:41.359
And I had the sh the like I shot each chapter of like these vignettes of each chapter of the Wild Woman cycle the day that I found out.
00:27:41.519 --> 00:27:48.559
And so it was like really wild to be in that space of there, like one of them is called Rage and Release.
00:27:48.720 --> 00:28:03.039
And um, I I just remember that shot being like screaming into a fire and and having this like connection with nature of being able to embody what I was feeling, and it was also still very hard.
00:28:03.119 --> 00:28:17.519
And then one of my friends who had been taking care taking care of me for like a couple of weeks, she ended up staying with us um and was so gracious and like made sure that I ate and stuff, ended up getting pregnant right after I got over my first trimester.
00:28:18.400 --> 00:28:23.039
And she had really, really wanted to be a mother, and this was something that she had been trying for.
00:28:23.440 --> 00:28:31.759
Um and had a very, very dark first trimester as well.
00:28:32.000 --> 00:28:44.640
And what has been so powerful for me is like being able to immediately step in and like be light in that moment, and it kind of made all of it worth it.
00:28:44.880 --> 00:28:53.279
Like it, I was just like, oh, you can I'm like I know how to like activate when moments have been dark for me, how to turn those moments into light.
00:28:53.440 --> 00:28:59.599
Adam used to always say, like, sometimes I wonder if you go through certain things so that you can like teach us how to go through them afterwards.
00:28:59.839 --> 00:29:00.000
Yeah.
00:29:00.160 --> 00:29:02.559
And obviously everybody has their own version of that.
00:29:02.640 --> 00:29:17.440
But for me, I the way that I was have been able to show up for multiple people in my life now who are on this journey um so intensely and so lovingly and fiercely has been like has made it quote unquote worth it.
00:29:20.640 --> 00:29:23.359
This is how this is how I'm choosing to make meaning.
00:29:24.400 --> 00:29:25.759
It's real, it's real.
00:29:25.920 --> 00:29:26.799
That will continue.
00:29:26.960 --> 00:29:28.160
That will continue.
00:29:28.880 --> 00:29:33.839
Um yeah, thank you for sharing about that.
00:29:34.079 --> 00:29:42.799
Um I also was struck when I was looking at your page about this prayer that you spoke about from your childhood.
00:29:43.599 --> 00:29:49.680
May I always be in a position to give and to serve, but never in a position to receive.
00:29:50.319 --> 00:29:50.880
Yeah.
00:29:51.119 --> 00:29:53.920
First of all, where did that prayer come from?
00:29:54.559 --> 00:30:14.319
I so the origin story of that is that since I was 12 years old, my family and I have had a community pantry, or we we've worked with like local shelters and we've done toiletry drives and grocery runs, and and they still have it's called ICU.
00:30:14.720 --> 00:30:19.359
Um, and that that is like part of the fabric of my family.
00:30:19.440 --> 00:30:27.759
It's like we all grew up really being of service to the people in our communities, like in a way that like that's what we do on weekends.
00:30:27.920 --> 00:30:28.160
Yeah.
00:30:28.559 --> 00:30:34.640
Um and it was such, and and it is such powerful, potent, beautiful work.
00:30:35.119 --> 00:30:50.640
And I just remember, like, in the joy of being able to give and in the joy of being able to serve, that I also the prayer that I would make is like to never be in a position to have to be on the other end or to not have to receive.
00:30:50.880 --> 00:30:51.279
Yeah.
00:30:51.519 --> 00:30:55.519
I see the language was that that was just like how I named it.
00:30:55.759 --> 00:31:11.680
But also, like, you know, in the last few years, there have been times where I have actually like needed to receive in a way that I did not expect because like financially we were struggling or or my health was struggling or whatever it was.
00:31:11.920 --> 00:31:22.400
And so, um, and it's funny because you know, our company is called at your service, and one of my friends said to me, She was like, Well, what do you think that at your service means?
00:31:22.559 --> 00:31:24.880
It doesn't mean that you always get to be the one to give.
00:31:24.960 --> 00:31:33.119
You also have to be on the receiving end too, because that is also being of service and like letting your community and your people show up for you.
00:31:33.359 --> 00:31:39.200
But the prayer itself like haunts me because I made it as a kid, like I and I thought it was so self-righteous.
00:31:39.359 --> 00:31:46.240
Like, God, please always keep me in this position where it's my hands that are the ones that are giving, but never receiving from anyone.
00:31:46.720 --> 00:31:52.799
Because I I don't know, I just I didn't I was scared of that, I think.
00:31:52.880 --> 00:31:58.480
Yeah, I was just afraid of being in that position, and then I was put in that position and it was quite terrifying.
00:31:59.359 --> 00:32:09.359
And moving through that also has been such a powerful experience of like surrendering to receiving and and recognizing that that is also God giving to you too.
00:32:09.839 --> 00:32:10.960
Yes, totally.
00:32:11.200 --> 00:32:16.480
And so, how is that informing you right now in this threshold of becoming a mother?
00:32:18.880 --> 00:32:19.359
Yeah.
00:32:20.880 --> 00:32:27.680
Well like have you been asking for help?
00:32:28.799 --> 00:32:31.759
Um, asking is a great question.
00:32:31.920 --> 00:32:46.799
I was just like I don't know if I've been asking um actively other than to like my partner, but I have um I have like received and I think that that that that was like a big lesson.
00:32:46.960 --> 00:32:48.880
That was a huge part of the first trimester.
00:32:49.039 --> 00:33:10.000
A huge part of like the grief that I was getting over was like not being able to make food for myself, yeah, or not being able to like do certain things for myself that I had typically done, and then being resentful or angry that somebody else had to like show up and do that, and then feeling guilty that they had to do that.
00:33:10.160 --> 00:33:28.799
So that has really shifted because um if I'm being honest, I think that it's shifted because I so quickly after that got to experience what it was like to be of service in the same way that I needed somebody so like recently.
00:33:29.440 --> 00:33:38.480
And when I had that experience, I was like, oh, I'm doing this and I love it, and I am doing it from a place of joy, and it is not a burden, and I want to be there for them.
00:33:38.880 --> 00:33:41.759
Oh, that could also be true, vice versa.
00:33:41.920 --> 00:33:44.160
Like they could also have felt that way towards me.
00:33:44.319 --> 00:33:47.759
And why do I always feel like I'm the only one who can feel this way?
00:33:48.000 --> 00:33:55.359
And then somebody else, if if my friend is showing up for me, it's actually like a burden or it's something that they don't want to be doing.
00:33:55.519 --> 00:34:07.200
So it was really like I found that it was quite a blessing to be able to experience the reciprocity so quickly because it helped me actually like move into a position of um receiving.
00:34:07.279 --> 00:34:27.920
And I also like I think specifically with like this journey of like come like going into motherhood, it's quite powerful because like I've had these like friendships that have suddenly cultivated in a very intense way with people that I would have never really expected who have just been like, I want to show up.
00:34:28.079 --> 00:34:36.000
And here is here are my lists and my articles that I refer to and my guides and what's worked for me, and here's my experience and all of this stuff.
00:34:36.079 --> 00:34:41.199
And I'm like so in awe of how like people see you.
00:34:41.360 --> 00:34:55.679
Actually, even uh last week when I gave that keynote at the journalism conference, as soon as I started like a couple of sentences in, I like was out of breath, and I was like, sorry guys, wait, it's like 2,000 people in the room.
00:34:55.760 --> 00:34:59.280
I'm like, pregnancy, like I just have to like catch my breath.
00:34:59.679 --> 00:35:14.480
Um, what I didn't mention is that I had I had slipped and fallen right before I got on stage, and that's why I was out of breath, which was so it was actually quite funny because Adam got it on video, and um, he was like, You should put this up.
00:35:14.719 --> 00:35:16.800
That's very real of you, but I haven't done that yet.
00:35:17.039 --> 00:35:21.440
Anyway, um after that hair.
00:35:21.920 --> 00:35:22.480
Yeah, yeah.
00:35:22.639 --> 00:35:23.280
I'm fine.
00:35:23.440 --> 00:35:24.400
It was fine.
00:35:24.639 --> 00:35:46.480
Um, but after I mentioned just like being out of breath at this conference where you know, like so many people who work at institutions have to like c hide their pregnancies or don't or feel afraid to like share that they're pregnant or whatever, and um because of maybe the lack of support and being seen the type of way.
00:35:46.559 --> 00:35:56.559
And I had so many women come up to me afterwards and just like just like you saying that and naming that on stage meant so much to us, and I was like, that's wild.
00:35:56.800 --> 00:36:18.079
Like I didn't think anything of it, but the fact that that resonated um and some and that there were people who felt like that needed to be said uh was just so powerful, and it was just like, oh wow, like just naming where we are in moments in real time can be such a service as well.
00:36:18.719 --> 00:36:19.599
A hundred percent.
00:36:19.840 --> 00:36:40.079
But yeah, and I you know, I think you mentioned in that video as well, like you know, people talk about like it takes a village, and yeah, you know, I think part of what's standing between us and a village is like our ability to actually be in that level of reciprocity.
00:36:40.800 --> 00:36:47.599
Like we have to be able to receive, you know, in order for that type of exchange to happen.
00:36:47.760 --> 00:36:55.119
And I and I think we're so cut off from that um because of societal conditioning and programming.
00:36:55.199 --> 00:37:06.400
It's like the thing that we want the most, but then we we we we don't actually have the system capacity to be in that type of engagement, and it's keeping us from the thing that we want.
00:37:07.039 --> 00:37:15.119
I also think about how like you have to there's a level of it being, do we feel worthy of receiving?
00:37:15.280 --> 00:37:15.519
Yeah.
00:37:15.760 --> 00:37:22.800
I used to say that to my sister a lot, um, who like really needed and wanted help when she started having her children.
00:37:22.880 --> 00:37:26.719
And I'm like, and I would say to her, Do you feel worthy of receiving?
00:37:26.800 --> 00:37:28.239
And do you feel worthy of receiving love?
00:37:28.320 --> 00:37:29.840
And do you feel worthy of receiving all these things?
00:37:29.920 --> 00:37:32.559
And it was a very confronting question.
00:37:33.280 --> 00:37:46.639
And also, I think specifically for those of us who live in the United States, like there there is a reality of like uh many people have to like pay for a village, like it's not oh yeah, and most people can't afford to do that.
00:37:46.960 --> 00:37:56.239
So there's like so I've been really considering and and having conversations with people in our community of like, what does that actually look like?
00:37:56.400 --> 00:37:59.840
Like, what does it and that's why it's meant so much to me.
00:37:59.920 --> 00:38:03.360
Like the people who have said, okay, how can I show up or what can I do right now?
00:38:03.440 --> 00:38:12.719
Because I'm like, and and it's also made me reflect on like, I wish I would have known to show up this way for other people.
00:38:13.119 --> 00:38:17.679
And I and there's one friend who I like apologized to.
00:38:18.159 --> 00:38:43.519
I did, I mean, she was like, You did show up, but I now knowing what I know, I'm like, I I wish I could have done more because I didn't I didn't know, and that's like part of the whole, like even with the first dynasty thing, like I my mom mentioned that she felt a lot of fatigue, but overall the like deep darkness that came with it, no one told me about that.
00:38:43.760 --> 00:38:56.000
And I now when I see like videos or I'll have people like say, like, yeah, nobody told me about this, or nobody told me about that, it feels like silly because I'm just like, how did nobody talk about the first time?
00:38:56.320 --> 00:39:01.280
Like that feels very obvious, but it wasn't on my radar the way that it happened.
00:39:01.599 --> 00:39:05.920
Um, so yeah, it's just I also think humbling experience.
00:39:06.400 --> 00:39:07.679
It is, it's so humbling.
00:39:07.840 --> 00:39:15.440
But there's also like there's also like no matter what people tell you, some things don't register.
00:39:16.079 --> 00:39:18.800
It's just like you don't know until you're in it.
00:39:18.960 --> 00:39:21.199
Like some of it is like it does like somebody could have told you.
00:39:22.559 --> 00:39:24.159
It just you just don't know till you know.
00:39:24.239 --> 00:39:28.480
Like you don't know, you didn't know to be there for your friend because you just didn't know, you know what I mean?
00:39:28.639 --> 00:39:30.000
Some some things are just like that.
00:39:30.159 --> 00:39:32.159
Nobody can talk you through it.
00:39:32.400 --> 00:39:34.000
Also, everybody has a different experience.
00:39:34.159 --> 00:39:34.400
Exactly.
00:39:34.559 --> 00:39:35.199
So there's that too.
00:39:35.519 --> 00:39:36.159
Like that's right.
00:39:36.320 --> 00:39:41.039
Some people, uh, wish like I had somebody text me yesterday and they were like, Oh my god, how's it been?
00:39:41.119 --> 00:39:43.599
I loved being pregnant, it was so fun, it was so great.
00:39:43.679 --> 00:39:48.960
And I was just like, but yeah, I love that for you.
00:39:49.199 --> 00:39:50.079
Yeah, exactly.
00:39:53.199 --> 00:40:09.599
So I'm curious now that you're so close, um, you know you you've you're obviously extremely prolific as a creator, and this is a a really different form of creation.
00:40:09.679 --> 00:40:12.960
I mean, it's like it's like the big creation.
00:40:13.360 --> 00:40:13.599
Yeah.
00:40:13.840 --> 00:40:21.280
And you talked about how the first trimester like really challenged your feelings around your own productivity and your pace and your ambition.
00:40:21.760 --> 00:40:23.840
Like, where are you at now?
00:40:24.639 --> 00:40:25.920
Oh, with all of that.
00:40:26.079 --> 00:40:27.440
That's a great question.
00:40:28.559 --> 00:40:39.679
One of the one of the dreams downloads that I got from this little one who's growing was that they said, I am your co-collaborator.
00:40:40.400 --> 00:40:49.840
And that was a really big breakthrough for me because it was like I'm not alone in this part of the creation.
00:40:50.000 --> 00:40:56.800
Like, there is a collaborator here who's going to also help with like all the other stuff that needs to get done before your arrival.
00:40:57.039 --> 00:40:57.360
Yes.
00:40:57.599 --> 00:41:07.599
Um, and also early on, Adam and I like he said he was like, This is gonna be a great creative project.
00:41:07.679 --> 00:41:10.079
It's gonna be the greatest creative project we've ever collaborated on.
00:41:10.320 --> 00:41:10.639
That's it.
00:41:10.800 --> 00:41:14.239
And I think that that framing is really good for us.
00:41:14.480 --> 00:41:15.119
Yeah.
00:41:16.159 --> 00:41:18.320
Because we know how to do those.
00:41:18.480 --> 00:41:28.000
Like we know how to birth uh a story or a creative project that wants to be born into the world that can really be of service.
00:41:28.320 --> 00:41:43.199
And so to have that approach with a little one feels really great because it feels like I like I don't know, I just keep coming back to like it's not about you, it's not about us.
00:41:43.360 --> 00:42:06.639
And I know that of course there's going to be like this is part of it is, and it'll be healing for you, for me, and for him, and for people who whatever like all of that, but there is something in me that is like from now telling me like you don't own this, yeah, and you don't own this person.
00:42:06.960 --> 00:42:23.360
There's um Margaret Atwood in her master class on creative writing was reflecting on her book, The Handmaid's Tale, and how decades later it became such a phenomenon because it was adapted into the TV series and the timing of it all.
00:42:24.320 --> 00:42:42.800
And she was saying how every time she's ever written a book or put out a creative project into the world, she recognizes and knows that it no longer belongs to her, that it is received, it it has a soul of its own and it's received by different people in different ways.
00:42:43.280 --> 00:42:47.679
And that that remembering has really been coming through for me.
00:42:47.920 --> 00:42:48.400
Yeah.
00:42:48.639 --> 00:42:55.679
Um, in that like we do not own this, but we get to be stewards of it, and that's really beautiful.
00:42:55.920 --> 00:43:04.400
And maybe when the you know, maybe when we have our next conversation, I'll feel differently about this because there might like maybe is gonna be some attachment and stuff.
00:43:04.480 --> 00:43:14.079
But I but it it feels important for me to name this because I want to lead from that place, yeah.
00:43:14.880 --> 00:43:21.760
Yeah, um, so yeah, it's kind of like our whole philosophy around doing this, it's just like our approach.
00:43:21.840 --> 00:43:23.920
Like, yeah, everybody has a different approach.
00:43:24.159 --> 00:43:25.119
This is ours.
00:43:25.360 --> 00:43:27.280
I think it's a solid approach.
00:43:27.440 --> 00:43:46.639
I stand behind it, and you know, you, you know, this you're you're gonna have another, yeah, another collaborator, be the three of you now, and this little soul creature being has a lot of clarity and will communicate it to you in a host of ways.
00:43:46.719 --> 00:43:49.920
And your job will be to listen and to, like you said, steward that.
00:43:50.159 --> 00:43:59.519
And so, you know, and you know, and it's it will, like you said, it they will teach you, they will teach you by way of confronting so many.
00:44:00.079 --> 00:44:02.400
of your that's how it's been for you conditioning.
00:44:02.559 --> 00:44:03.039
Yeah.
00:44:03.280 --> 00:44:03.760
Totally.
00:44:04.000 --> 00:44:08.000
Like I learned that also from from you and and how you've talked about it.
00:44:08.079 --> 00:44:12.239
And like these beings have their own like they tell you how to lead.
00:44:12.400 --> 00:44:13.920
Like they show you where to go.
00:44:14.159 --> 00:44:14.800
They do.
00:44:14.960 --> 00:44:15.679
And it's hard.
00:44:15.760 --> 00:44:28.159
I mean I'm just dealing with it now even, you know, I've had this ongoing journey with my my eldest around school and he was very, very clear from a young age what he wanted and now he's like resisting again.
00:44:28.320 --> 00:44:31.119
And you know, it's like okay.
00:44:31.360 --> 00:44:34.719
Like okay, how do again how do I serve this soul right now?
00:44:34.880 --> 00:44:37.599
Because it's not something so what do you do?
00:44:38.320 --> 00:44:39.519
I'm in it right now.
00:44:39.679 --> 00:44:49.199
Right now I'm listening deeply and I'm I'm really um yeah I'm I'm in I'm in deep listening right now as it relates to this with him.
00:44:49.440 --> 00:44:54.400
And um what stage is like what stage comes after that for you?
00:44:54.639 --> 00:44:55.599
After the listening?
00:44:55.840 --> 00:44:56.159
Yeah.
00:44:56.320 --> 00:44:57.920
Like what's the cycle of that?
00:44:58.159 --> 00:44:58.480
Yeah.
00:44:58.639 --> 00:45:05.039
Well I mean, you know, it's I'm I'm really so he's resisting going to his homeschool enrichment program.
00:45:05.119 --> 00:45:13.679
Like I've crafted as you know this very kind of you know special life around the special creature that he requested, you know?
00:45:14.000 --> 00:45:18.400
And and now like I think he's in this amazing thing and he's not thinking it's so amazing now.
00:45:18.559 --> 00:45:20.960
And I'm and I'm like well you don't know how good you have it.
00:45:21.039 --> 00:45:37.280
And you know I have all my stuff come up with things that I say that like you know are so like things that I heard or you know it's just amazing how much this as like evolved as I think that I am how much this stuff is so like in me and it will just like come out in response.
00:45:37.519 --> 00:45:37.760
Yeah.
00:45:38.000 --> 00:45:47.840
And I think about my life and how hard I had it and I think like my God like my child wouldn't like last a day in my life and like and then it's like yeah but like that's not what his soul needs.
00:45:48.000 --> 00:45:51.280
His soul doesn't need the life that I had he needs something else.
00:45:51.360 --> 00:45:53.199
He's here for a different reason.
00:45:53.360 --> 00:46:19.760
And so right now it's like I have to be curious with him like okay tell me more like what's really going on because I want in my mind go, you know, you're just you know I have all my stories about why I think he doesn't want to go but I have to really help him help him find the way to articulate what's really going on for him which isn't so easy right like he's 11 now so there's more in there.
00:46:19.920 --> 00:46:26.239
But that's one of the hardest things when they're little is they don't have the words to say the things.
00:46:26.960 --> 00:46:48.239
So like navigating getting to that or feeling it or sensing it or letting it come in the dreams or reading in their energy like so for me now it's like okay listening to him asking him and then listening underneath that and underneath that and underneath that and then um and then from there I mean it's like being in dialogue with him with his father what are our options where do we go from here?
00:46:48.320 --> 00:46:49.360
What does he really need?
00:46:49.519 --> 00:46:57.360
And there's all these things right in my background of my mind like am I ruining him and what world am I even preparing him for?
00:46:57.519 --> 00:46:59.199
Like will college even be a thing?
00:46:59.360 --> 00:47:01.039
Like what what matters right now?
00:47:01.199 --> 00:47:01.840
You know what I mean?
00:47:02.000 --> 00:47:17.199
Like he's gotta read and write and do art and you know like know how to do basic math but like so much of our education system it's like what even really matters you know and so I'm like what do you want to do?
00:47:17.280 --> 00:47:18.159
Like do you want to build a house?
00:47:18.239 --> 00:47:18.880
Do you want to build a car?
00:47:18.960 --> 00:47:20.320
Like I don't care if it takes 10 years.
00:47:20.480 --> 00:47:39.599
I want to get to like what is it that you really want and almost get into like a vocational kind of like just nurture what he's into because yeah so navigating this in this moment on the planet is really interesting because I just there's so much unknown and there's so much to me that feels really irrelevant about our education system.
00:47:40.559 --> 00:47:44.639
And how do you raise a being right now for the for a future world?
00:47:45.599 --> 00:48:33.519
Like this is what you know this is this is what we're at right now, which is actually something I wanted to ask you where from where you're sitting is like motherhood in these times, you know like you know all of the world that we're living in right now and it's it's it's a thing that I think my mother told me she felt it when she before she had me she's like is it selfish of me to bring a child into this world right so that was 46 years ago um so yeah I'm curious like what does it feel like for you to bring a child into the world right now yeah I had a I mean well first thank you for sharing all of that because I think that that the education conversation is actually one of the biggest most important conversations I think to be had.
00:48:33.679 --> 00:48:38.960
I think I mean our education system traditionally in the US has been outdated for for many decades.
00:48:39.119 --> 00:48:57.360
It's like still the same as it was during the Industrial Revolution and they were just trying to train and make backery workers and now AI and robots have like basically acquired all those roles and that doesn't and it and it stifles people's creativity and and drive in many ways.
00:48:59.920 --> 00:49:19.280
The first TED talk I ever watched which actually I just realized was the first TED talk that was ever uploaded which was um for the guy's name Sir something uh but it was called do schools kill creativity and I remember watching that when I was in high school and being like oh my gosh this feels so true.
00:49:19.440 --> 00:49:22.320
Yeah so I think we've been in that state for quite a while.
00:49:22.480 --> 00:49:22.800
Yep.
00:49:23.039 --> 00:49:39.760
But to be mothering in this time I think once this became a reality this me in this journey of growing I I it's been hard for me to even say the word pregnancy for a while actually um because I felt like I was too scientific.
00:49:39.920 --> 00:50:10.320
I was like there's more to this I'm just I'm growing I am physically growing physically my body is growing I'm growing a being but I am also spiritually growing so in this process of growing um I have made peace with like we need little love warriors in the world who um who bring love and who bring light and who bring truth and and and groundedness and that feels like a really big responsibility.
00:50:10.559 --> 00:50:23.440
So I do and because so many of the people that I love are also on this journey and I'm we have kind of like a cohort in this way I'm like I trust this process I'm like there's not I I I don't know the future.
00:50:23.760 --> 00:50:25.199
I don't know what's going to happen.
00:50:25.360 --> 00:50:32.320
I know that this is the path and the track that I'm on right now and and then we die.
00:50:32.559 --> 00:51:02.480
And yesterday I was in the car and I started talking to spirit in my womb and they said they were saying to me like I'm like really aware of where I'm like where I am right now and that I'm coming to this place on earth temporarily and that it's it it is an opportunity for me to exist in human form so that you can experience love and that I can experience love in this way.
00:51:02.800 --> 00:51:09.679
And then we go back to the pulse as Gian Apple says like um I just make peace with that.
00:51:09.760 --> 00:51:28.400
I think because there's no other way to me I don't know like I don't I don't want to live in fear and anxiety and paranoia and I feel like sometimes when I get to that place I'm like letting the oppressors win.
00:51:29.519 --> 00:51:41.360
And I don't want that no no that's it but I don't really have an answer for that and I think that that'll be a good question to revisit later after I think that's a beautiful answer.
00:51:41.440 --> 00:52:03.760
I think that that answer and I love I just love the connection you have with your baby being in your womb and I think I told you this before but that continues when they come out you know um so stay just stay in that conversation but it's true I mean like what could be bad about having more coordinates of light and love on this planet you know so it doesn't mean it's easy and it doesn't mean it'll be easy for them.
00:52:04.159 --> 00:52:13.679
No but there they are I mean I mean it's not easy for us you know and we chose it too so there's some rhyme or reason and it's not for us to know sometimes.
00:52:14.000 --> 00:52:35.280
Yeah when we speak again you will have crossed another threshold um I'm curious if you have a sense of like because so much goes so much reprioritization happens and you'll have another round of this that comes up next but like it's this is a multi-part question.
00:52:35.440 --> 00:52:38.480
So one is is like what do you hope survives the crossing?
00:52:38.559 --> 00:52:40.159
Like what do you want to come with you?
00:52:40.400 --> 00:52:42.719
What feels ready to be left behind?
00:52:42.960 --> 00:52:48.239
And if you could send a message to yourself six months from now what would you say?
00:52:48.400 --> 00:52:50.400
So that's my three part question.
00:52:55.440 --> 00:52:57.519
Uh what I oh that's great.
00:52:57.679 --> 00:53:23.199
I love that what I hope survives the crossing of this threshold from the wild woman to the wild mother is my commitment to the wild and to being wild and to being in my body and to um just like the presence of pleasure and play.
00:53:23.440 --> 00:53:59.199
Yeah I'm so I really want to hold on to that yeah the birth portal is going to expand your aperture for all of that like it's just I'm really excited for you because yeah that the wild and the wildness and the play and the pleasure like and just the embodiment it's just it's just no matter what your birth looks like that's what part of my the grief that I felt originally came from was like I was like I've only been on this journey of the wild woman for two years.
00:53:59.440 --> 00:54:17.199
This is too soon I can't let go of this and I think that now and it's funny because my little sister who is also most likely going to be my doula um the last thing that she said to me before I found out I was pregnant she was going back home for summer break.
00:54:17.360 --> 00:54:24.639
She's in college was uh you know what I think the most wild thing that you could do is to become a mother.
00:54:24.880 --> 00:54:34.639
Oh yeah and that childbirth experience itself you're gonna feel your wildness in a way it's just I'm excited for you.
00:54:35.280 --> 00:54:36.480
I'm so excited for you.
00:54:36.639 --> 00:54:42.639
Yeah yeah it's gonna widen the aperture way beyond anything you could ever imagine.
00:54:43.119 --> 00:54:45.599
That's so wild to me I know it's so incredible.
00:54:45.679 --> 00:55:27.280
I mean the fun I'm scared so there's yeah yeah totally well that's how you know you know you're on you're on an edge okay so that was one question the second question was what feels ready to be left behind as you cross the stagnation that I was feeling right before I think if I'm being honest with myself just like creatively I was feeling a bit stagnant like kind of like the dread I started feeling you know I've I've been doing the work that I've been doing for so so long and because of the state of the world I started just getting to this place of like what are we doing?
00:55:27.519 --> 00:55:28.559
Is it worth it?
00:55:28.800 --> 00:55:35.440
Why like why why am I like putting my life on the line over and over again and does it matter?
00:55:35.599 --> 00:55:36.559
Does it make a difference?
00:55:36.719 --> 00:55:37.920
Like what is this for?
00:55:38.079 --> 00:55:45.360
And I I was coming to this term of like well you do it because like you are on the planet and you might as well if you're gonna live your life you might as well live it this way.
00:55:45.519 --> 00:56:38.480
Yeah but there was this like sense of kind of like stagnation and dread and so um and then when this invitation of growth came along first time I called it an invitation I like that um it came with a well here's a purpose of like here's a place to direct that energy and it doesn't mean that I like then suddenly make this child my like life's purpose it's more about this is this is this is a why right now so when you think about like this book that you're writing or this project that you're working on and you're like who am I doing this for now I know who I'm doing I can at least put a name and not a face yet but like potentially a face soon to the why and for people for someone like me that's really helpful because that specificity and direction allows me to get out of my own way.
00:56:38.800 --> 00:56:47.360
Yes beautiful the third question was if you could send a message to yourself six months from now what would you say?
00:57:09.119 --> 00:57:22.559
This is all a remembering and the remembering is about the tawekul tawakul is a Muslim term that ultimately means like divine trust and surrender.
00:57:22.800 --> 00:57:48.639
It's just the act of like fully letting go and like giving it back to the divine and yeah so my message is that like this whole every part of this journey is a remembering and the ultimate remembering is to let go and surrender and trust in the divine let's just take a breath on that one.
00:57:51.119 --> 00:59:39.440
Will you tell me the word again tewekul T-A-W A K U L Tewekul Tewakul yep te week okay one more thing then I'm gonna say and if you could sit across from the Nord at the dinner that we had already pregnant I'd laugh in her face still questioning you yeah what would you wait what would you say to her I would literally laugh in her face and I'd be like you fucked around and you found out that's all there is to say that's it I love it I love it yeah okay I'm gonna hold I'm gonna hold that uh six month message for you and remind you of that I can laugh at it again six month mark is uh so before we close would you please offer something to this moment since the opening of our conversation began with crossing thresholds I feel called to read uh what I wrote about crossing a threshold it was I wrote it on January 21st okay so I haven't I haven't read this since then um so this is what it is so this is my offering and hopefully it oh wow this is gonna be great okay what does it look like to cross a threshold does it happen gradually or all at once what happens when we don't recognize that that is the stuckness that we are experiencing a friend of mine asked Adam and I if we had a hard time receiving and asking for help.
00:59:39.679 --> 00:59:49.519
She called out that we haven't had asked for help in the last six months I've been growing aka pregnant I haven't really been able to use that word growing feels more true to me.
00:59:50.400 --> 01:00:14.320
I remember that I used to make a consistent prayer may I always be in a position to give and to serve but never to receive this prayer haunts me now like there is resistance in my body to receiving except now more than ever I actually need to so then what does it look like to cross the threshold from being able to give to being able to receive too the threshold of asking a question and being in the answer.
01:00:14.480 --> 01:00:27.280
The threshold of who you were before the moment that changed everything and who you become after these thresholds do not always exist explicitly but they require conscious and explicit engagement in order to truly cross.
01:00:27.599 --> 01:00:32.400
This is for those of us who often feel like we have one foot in one place and one foot in the other.
01:00:32.639 --> 01:00:44.480
There are several thresholds waiting for me to cross and maybe the stuckness I've been feeling is the weight that comes with splitting my energy between the places and the people I have been and the places and the people that I am ready to be.
01:00:44.800 --> 01:01:58.880
There is resistance where there is the fear of death and fear of birth but this is the cycle of life both in this realm and the next a series of crossing thresholds of being in the pulse itself the thresholds I now cross being able to give with joy to being able to receive with joy being untethered by the questions I have asked to being grounded in being the answer being afraid and attached to my pain body to being in communication with my body and its desire to have capacity for pleasure being the quote hijabi journalist who no longer covers to reviving the dream of creating conscious connection through the medium of video and audio with a great audience being the maiden who overthinks being perceived to being the wild woman mother who radiates fully in the service of the children and keeping myself hidden out of fear or judgment or attention fear of judgment or attention to letting my nur shine again and again so beautiful thank you for sharing that with me and for us that was a good reminder.
01:01:59.119 --> 01:02:03.440
Yeah really good reminder and like we touched on a lot of those points.
01:02:03.760 --> 01:02:25.519
We did we did we did thank you so much for your generosity of spirit and willingness to be real about where you are in this journey for the sake of all of us and for those listening I really appreciate it and I'm excited to kind of go on this journey with you and just as a sister and a friend but then also to like share share it out.
01:02:25.599 --> 01:02:57.519
So thank you for your yeah thank you for your for your creativity and for sitting with all of that yeah of course um I'm here like you know I it's similar to what you said about being there for your friend who just went through their dark for first trimester but for me after I went through my first childbirth I almost like went on this whole crusade to like help other moms because it just it does really awaken and enliven something in you and it's something that I'm just so passionate about.
01:02:57.599 --> 01:03:03.119
Like I just want to be a resource for you like so deeply.
01:03:03.360 --> 01:03:17.039
So call on me ask me I always say like you're gonna be up feeding all the night long you can text me at any of those times like none of it's crazy ask anything like I just yeah I really want to support you through this threshold.
01:03:17.119 --> 01:03:22.719
It's really so huge and yeah it means a lot it leans a lot to me to be able to be there for you.
01:03:22.880 --> 01:03:23.519
So thank you.
01:03:23.840 --> 01:03:28.159
Thank you beloved oh what a great thing for this conversation to cross the threshold.
01:03:28.559 --> 01:03:46.480
Yeah it is I'm just gonna close us with a with a prayer then okay around thresholds thresholds like I said they dismantle us before they remake us.
01:03:48.000 --> 01:04:32.559
So to the women listening who are growing who have grown who continue to grow um who learned to give before they learn to receive just honoring every step of this journey for all the thresholds we cross as women from maiden to wild mother to crone and beyond may your may your need open you.
01:04:33.039 --> 01:06:12.960
May your village rise around you may you remember to let go and surrender to reveal strength to become intimate with your shadow and your fears and the things that haunt you and your grief knowing that all of that is alchemy of light and we become light through presence through arrows through truth through death through birth over and over again thank you for letting us witness your becoming your growing as you navigate these thresholds may this be medicine for all who listen to know that you are not alone that it is completely normal to have these growing pains with all of my love and all of my heart until next time stay illuminated with blessings thank you love thank you I was so good