WEBVTT
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Matt Brookins presents Illinois Hellhole.
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It's the winter of 1939.
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Inside a secluded farmhouse, Raben, a handsome man in his forties, is slumped over the kitchen table, snoring next to a glass of whiskey and an empty bottle.
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He clutches a framed picture of a sad-looking woman in her 60s, engraved with the word mother.
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A wooden carton of vials labeled Raben's Miracle Elixir sits next to a stack of cash.
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A single candle flickers as it reaches the bottom of its wick.
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The wind howls ominously, parting the clouds to reveal a full moon with a red tint.
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The farmhouse is bathed in ethereal light as the shutters clatter in the wind.
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The noise awakens Raven, who looks around, spooked by the ghost-like sound of the wind whistling through the house.
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He examines the framed picture, caressing its edges.
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Suddenly he hears a sound.
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By the light of moon and sun, protect me till this night is done.
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By the light of moon and sun, protect me till this night is done.
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With a shaking hand, he sips the whiskey.
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He watches the window.
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A shadow of a figure appears behind the door's curtained glass window.
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Is that you, Mom?
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Stealing himself, Raven stands, pulls his apple jack cap on, and cautiously approaches the door.
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Finally, he throws the door open.
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Agast at what he sees, he stumbles back in abject terror.
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Come to your mother.
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Mom, you're back?
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You're alive?
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Well, sort of.
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I'm gonna be honest here.
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You look a little rough around the edges.
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Oh, maybe I have a mint around here somewhere.
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The rotting corpse of his mother enters with a gust of wind, blowing the money from the table and whipping the curtains around.
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No! Of course.
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Come on in.
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Something to drink?
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Being six feet under for a couple months must make you pretty thirsty.
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Glass of water.
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Oh, we've got fruitcake.
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Oh! The old ear pole.
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Fair enough.
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Nobody likes fruitcake.
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What was I thinking?
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Wow! You still got your grip!
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Mother hauls Raven outside into the cold night.
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She pulls him up the walk and into the vast, empty field.
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Where did I go wrong with you?
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Wrong?
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Oh, no, no, no, no.
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I've been the model's son, a good boy.
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I did everything I could, Ma.
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So I sold a few questionable miracle tonics, huh?
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It was all for you.
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Times were tough.
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I mean, you know that.
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You groaked.
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Look!
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I just wanted you back.
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I wished you would come back and here you are! It's a miracle! I mean, sure you're a little rotten, but it's what's inside that counts.
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Ma! Ma?
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Where are we going?
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No.
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No, you can't.
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Ma! Let me go, you bust-filled undead bitch!
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Stopping suddenly, mother bends Raven over her knees and spanks him like a child.
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He yelps in pain as his mother paddles him with supernatural strokes.
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Such language.
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My butt's one of my favorite features.
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Children should be seen and not heard.
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No! Are you going to mind your manners?
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Bite me.
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Mother has dragged Raven into the field and toward a deep dark hole spanning about 20 feet across.
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Raven sees it and enters a panicked frenzy.
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No! No, Mama! It's your boy, Raven! Your only son! You love me! Please.
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I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.
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She throws him into the bottomless chasm.
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An awkward, tall, and lanky lad dressed in emo black knocks on an apartment door.
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This is Ned, shuffling his feet anxiously, raking painted nails through his dyed black hair.
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The door opens slowly with the chain on, revealing a scruffy salt and pepper dude in a bathrobe.
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Ned waves cash at the dude who gestures to a massive vintage synthesizer with keyboard.
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I see you're ready to pay full price.
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The ARP 2600 vintage semimodular synthesizer from Korg.
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May I hear it?
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Oh.
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How's that sound?
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You know New Order?
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Played this baby on tour.
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Oh Joy Division.
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You know, check out the stencil.
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Wow!
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You can't fake that! Limited edition.
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And crafted in Japan duophonic keyboard with added arpeggiator.
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I won't even have to practice.
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Yeah, man.
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Easy money.
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Dude shuts the door.
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He sits at a table covered with instruments and continues painting Eric Clapton with a stencil on a guitar case.
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The new order stencil is on the table as well.
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Easy money.
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Ned joyously lugs the massive synth through the rundown apartment complex, past the shining pool, and carefully up the stairs to his apartment.
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This is Starving Artist Hollywood.
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Friday.
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I'm in.
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Love.
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The door to Ned's cramped studio apartment is awkwardly kicked open as he lurches in with the synth.
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Babe, I got it.
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The ARP 2600, everything's finally going great.
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It's over.
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Ned realizes all her bags are packed.
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Sheena is a pretty waif in her twenties.
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Next to her, Roberto, a handsome rocker, zips a guitar into its bag.
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Let's not make this breakup any tougher than it already is.
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Wait, wait, wait, what?
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We talked about this.
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I've been saying I wanted to piece out.
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I thought you were talking about like doing yoga or something.
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Ned, I'm with Roberto now.
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Oh, of course you'd go for the singer.
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Why?
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Because he's uh talented, chiseled, has those stupid pouty lips.
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Uh yeah, exactly.
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Don't lip shame me.
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Point those plumpered up collagen bags somewhere else.
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I am speaking to my girlfriend.
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Sorry, Ned.
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You'll be great.
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Yeah, I will.
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And you'll be missing out on all the hotness.
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The band's dropping a new album this year about the band.
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I look, we that is mothers of misery and I think that we should go our separate ways to make creative differences and all.
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Oh no, no, no, no, no.
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We have creative sameness.
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Look at us, man.
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We use the same eyeliner.
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No, you should be hoeing and you're broing.
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You don't practice like ever.
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A new synthesizer won't help.
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And using the word ho is sexist, you hoe.
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Regardless of who is a hoe, the synth plays itself.
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It's got an arpeggiator, you dumb fucks.
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Goodbye, Nedry.
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Please, respect my boundaries and don't blow up my phone.
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Sheena checks her phone.
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It's a text from Ned which reads.
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Don't does this?
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How did you even know, Ned?
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It's over.
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And you should check your computer.
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Work's been messaging.
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Come on, Bertie.
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Bertie?
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You can't have pet names yet.
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Wait, wait, wait.
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Don't don't leave.
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I Okay.
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I love you, Sheila.
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It's Sheena.
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Sheena.
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With an N.
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Since when?
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Since always.
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Hello, hello?
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Boss, please don't tell me I'm fired.
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Look.
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Ned.
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See the customers are all buying guitars online now.
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We just don't have the numbers to keep you and give the CEO his bonus.
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We're downsizing.
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English, please, not British.
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We're letting you go.
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Go where?
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I ain't working in drums.
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Those guys are dumb.
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Ned, listen, mate.
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You're fired.
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No, you dickless dick.
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Ugh, could this day get any worse?
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That's not ominous or anything.
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Hello.
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Hey Ned.
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It's your cousin Mike.
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Moose.
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Hey.
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Nobody's called me Moose since grade school.
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Look, there's no easy way to say this, but your parents playing a bali.
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It um well it crashed.
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They're gone.
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I'm sorry, cuz.
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They left you the farm.
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It's all yours.
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You gotta come back, man.
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Come back to Illinois.
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No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
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Ned's flight leaves warm, sunny Los Angeles International Airport, arrives in Frozen March, Chicago.
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Clad in his darkest of winter couture, lugging many bags, Ned takes the L train.
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Doors closing.
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To Amtrak Station.
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Takes the Amtrak to Springfield.
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He watches the desolate flat empty of snow-covered Illinois scroll by until he begrudgingly boards a bus.
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Deeper and deeper into the monotonous countryside.
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Nothing but flat farmscape to the horizon.
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Oh no.
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This is the first day of spring in Illinois.
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Finally, Ned stands with all his baggage at the edge of a long driveway facing his creepy old family farmhouse.
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Okay.
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The stupid door is bullshit.
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Moose, a good-looking, squarely built black man, plainly dressed, leaps up to greet Ned.
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Oh yeah, what's up, cousin?
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You made it.
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Rockin' LA look.
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Nice.
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I'm so glad to see you made it safe.
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Ned slams the door shut, which knocks a bowling ball on a shelf up high loose.
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It rolls on the shelf, drops inches away from Ned's skull, smashing the floorboards to splinters.
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Whoa, Jesus! What the hell, man?
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That could've killed me.
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My parents still kept that bowling ball up there?
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Sorry, uh, I didn't even notice it.
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Don't worry about the floor though.
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Uh that'll buff right out.
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Anyway, hi Moose.
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You got tall.
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Great to see you too, Ned.
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Uh, cuz I'm so sorry.
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I love you, and I loved your parents.
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Yes, yes, emotions.
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They are important.
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That means so much.
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Welcome back.
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It's uh it's been a minute.
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You want the speed tour?
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Look around and see the vastness of your inheritance.
00:13:10.639 --> 00:13:13.759
Alright, so what's with all this music stuff?
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It's mine.
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Uh I've been crashing on the couch.
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I was helping your peas with the planting around the farm and all.
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I mean, I love this land and caring for it, and uh this is awkward.
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They said I could live here in their will.
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Wait, the house comes with a cousin?
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I thought it all went to me.
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It did.
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It did.
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Just I get to live here.
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Only till I get back on my feet and I get some money coming in.
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You know how it is.
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Your parents, well, they were like my parents too.
00:13:46.639 --> 00:13:50.159
This is all just coming at me a little fast.
00:13:50.240 --> 00:13:50.799
I mean.
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So what do you think?
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Place hasn't changed a bit, right?
00:13:54.639 --> 00:14:04.720
Ned looks around the room and zooms in on a myriad collection of Catholic religious iconography: crosses, crucifixes, saints statues, Bibles.
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He grimaces.
00:14:07.919 --> 00:14:09.200
First things first.
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Ned dumps a heap of religious knick-knacks into a trash can as the sun sets.
00:14:15.840 --> 00:14:19.840
The fields are unplanted and span to the horizon.
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So long, Jesus junk.
00:14:23.120 --> 00:14:23.679
I get it.
00:14:23.840 --> 00:14:26.159
Religion, not for everybody.
00:14:26.399 --> 00:14:28.879
I think your parents were obsessed with warding off evil.
00:14:29.039 --> 00:14:33.919
The only thing the Catholic Church is good at warding off are consequences for pervy priests.
00:14:34.240 --> 00:14:34.799
Point.
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And women's rights.
00:14:36.720 --> 00:14:37.279
Facts.
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Taxes.
00:14:38.399 --> 00:14:40.639
See, they are pretty good at warding off stuff.
00:14:40.799 --> 00:14:41.039
Huh.
00:14:41.120 --> 00:14:45.519
Look, I didn't want to tell you this right away, but uh listen.
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Spit it out, Moose!
00:14:48.240 --> 00:14:49.840
Your parents were in major debt.
00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:51.759
They were gonna lose the farm this fall.
00:14:52.000 --> 00:14:52.720
Sorry, man.
00:14:52.879 --> 00:14:54.720
Big corporations just crushing them.
00:14:55.039 --> 00:15:01.360
I know you just inherited all this and of course, of course!
00:15:02.080 --> 00:15:04.960
Damn it! Stupid family curse!
00:15:05.200 --> 00:15:06.960
Uh, don't say the C word.
00:15:07.519 --> 00:15:07.840
Cund?
00:15:08.399 --> 00:15:08.799
Curse.
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Oh.
00:15:09.440 --> 00:15:10.720
Let's not go down that road.
00:15:10.960 --> 00:15:12.720
Is that why they were flying to Bali?
00:15:12.960 --> 00:15:15.919
Were they like fleeing the country to avoid bills?
00:15:16.240 --> 00:15:17.840
30th anniversary.
00:15:18.159 --> 00:15:19.279
But you knew that.
00:15:19.440 --> 00:15:21.039
Yeah, yeah, right, right, right, right.
00:15:21.200 --> 00:15:21.600
Mm-hmm.
00:15:21.759 --> 00:15:28.480
Listen, we just finished the last quarter of the planting tomorrow, and the corn will get you some bucks in your pocket come harvest time.
00:15:28.799 --> 00:15:29.840
Best we can do.
00:15:30.879 --> 00:15:32.480
You look thirsty.
00:15:40.799 --> 00:15:51.279
Next time on Illinois Hellhole, Ed runs into an old crush at the busted bottle and tries to operate a tractor while planting corn.
00:15:51.440 --> 00:15:54.399
Let me find something bottomless in that cornfield.
00:15:54.480 --> 00:15:57.679
And sad to say, folks, it's not a mimosa.
00:15:58.639 --> 00:16:01.759
Episode two is in your feed now, so keep going.
00:16:02.080 --> 00:16:08.399
If you're enjoying Illinois Hellhole, the best thing you can do would be to leave a rating and a review.
00:16:08.559 --> 00:16:15.440
Wherever you're listening, it's free, it takes about a minute, and it's what makes new listeners take a chance on a show like this one.
00:16:15.600 --> 00:16:17.919
We're indie and we need your support.
00:16:18.240 --> 00:16:24.720
By the way, you can contribute at my Patreon at patreon.com slash Matt Brookens.
00:16:24.879 --> 00:16:27.200
That's B-R-O-O-K-E-N-S.
00:16:27.519 --> 00:16:28.559
Thanks, guys.
00:16:28.960 --> 00:16:48.559
Illinois Hellhole Episode 1 stars Corey Burton as your narrator, Darren Norris as Raben, Matt Brookens as Ned, Reggie Guyton as Moose, Mindy Torano as Mother, Jessica Bailey Forsyth as Sheena, Guy Forsyth as Roberto, Jeff Williams as the bathrobe dude.
00:16:48.799 --> 00:16:55.200
Sound mixer Brian Magram, whose credits include Andor, Barbie, and Killers of the Flower Moon.
00:16:55.360 --> 00:16:57.440
Just some little movies you might have heard of.
00:16:57.600 --> 00:17:03.120
Editor Adam Kunzelman, written and directed and produced by me, Matt Brookens.
00:17:03.679 --> 00:17:08.079
So I want to point out that I did a dramatic reading of The Monkey's Paw.
00:17:08.160 --> 00:17:11.279
This is a classic literature piece by W.
00:17:11.519 --> 00:17:11.680
W.
00:17:12.000 --> 00:17:21.119
Jacobs, and I did a uh a bunch of dumb jokes before it and after it, and did the whole thing with uh sound design and music.
00:17:21.279 --> 00:17:35.200
It reads like a play, it is truly chilling, and it definitely influenced me with Illinois Hellhole, and I would say a lot of other filmmakers like The Simpsons and Curry Barker with the movie Obsession.
00:17:35.440 --> 00:17:40.400
So check out my recording of The Monkey's Paw here in this podcast feed.
00:00:00.959 --> 00:00:06.160
Matt Brookins presents Illinois Hellhole.
00:00:10.160 --> 00:00:12.720
It's the winter of 1939.
00:00:13.439 --> 00:00:25.600
Inside a secluded farmhouse, Raben, a handsome man in his forties, is slumped over the kitchen table, snoring next to a glass of whiskey and an empty bottle.
00:00:25.839 --> 00:00:32.880
He clutches a framed picture of a sad-looking woman in her 60s, engraved with the word mother.
00:00:33.439 --> 00:00:39.439
A wooden carton of vials labeled Raben's Miracle Elixir sits next to a stack of cash.
00:00:39.759 --> 00:00:44.560
A single candle flickers as it reaches the bottom of its wick.
00:00:45.039 --> 00:00:51.759
The wind howls ominously, parting the clouds to reveal a full moon with a red tint.
00:00:52.399 --> 00:00:58.240
The farmhouse is bathed in ethereal light as the shutters clatter in the wind.
00:00:59.280 --> 00:01:07.359
The noise awakens Raven, who looks around, spooked by the ghost-like sound of the wind whistling through the house.
00:01:08.239 --> 00:01:12.400
He examines the framed picture, caressing its edges.
00:01:13.280 --> 00:01:15.200
Suddenly he hears a sound.
00:01:17.120 --> 00:01:21.439
By the light of moon and sun, protect me till this night is done.
00:01:21.599 --> 00:01:27.359
By the light of moon and sun, protect me till this night is done.
00:01:29.359 --> 00:01:32.959
With a shaking hand, he sips the whiskey.
00:01:33.200 --> 00:01:35.280
He watches the window.
00:01:36.079 --> 00:01:40.799
A shadow of a figure appears behind the door's curtained glass window.
00:01:42.560 --> 00:01:44.480
Is that you, Mom?
00:01:45.120 --> 00:01:52.959
Stealing himself, Raven stands, pulls his apple jack cap on, and cautiously approaches the door.
00:01:53.280 --> 00:01:55.599
Finally, he throws the door open.
00:01:57.200 --> 00:02:01.200
Agast at what he sees, he stumbles back in abject terror.
00:02:01.519 --> 00:02:04.319
Come to your mother.
00:02:08.800 --> 00:02:10.240
Mom, you're back?
00:02:10.719 --> 00:02:11.840
You're alive?
00:02:12.080 --> 00:02:13.199
Well, sort of.
00:02:13.439 --> 00:02:14.560
I'm gonna be honest here.
00:02:14.639 --> 00:02:16.319
You look a little rough around the edges.
00:02:16.560 --> 00:02:19.360
Oh, maybe I have a mint around here somewhere.
00:02:20.800 --> 00:02:29.360
The rotting corpse of his mother enters with a gust of wind, blowing the money from the table and whipping the curtains around.
00:02:29.599 --> 00:02:31.840
No! Of course.
00:02:32.159 --> 00:02:33.120
Come on in.
00:02:33.599 --> 00:02:34.719
Something to drink?
00:02:34.879 --> 00:02:38.319
Being six feet under for a couple months must make you pretty thirsty.
00:02:39.120 --> 00:02:40.080
Glass of water.
00:02:40.560 --> 00:02:42.400
Oh, we've got fruitcake.
00:02:43.919 --> 00:02:46.240
Oh! The old ear pole.
00:02:47.280 --> 00:02:48.000
Fair enough.
00:02:48.400 --> 00:02:49.520
Nobody likes fruitcake.
00:02:49.759 --> 00:02:50.479
What was I thinking?
00:02:50.800 --> 00:02:53.199
Wow! You still got your grip!
00:02:56.879 --> 00:03:00.639
Mother hauls Raven outside into the cold night.
00:03:00.879 --> 00:03:05.280
She pulls him up the walk and into the vast, empty field.
00:03:05.599 --> 00:03:08.159
Where did I go wrong with you?
00:03:09.439 --> 00:03:10.000
Wrong?
00:03:10.159 --> 00:03:11.360
Oh, no, no, no, no.
00:03:11.520 --> 00:03:14.000
I've been the model's son, a good boy.
00:03:14.159 --> 00:03:15.680
I did everything I could, Ma.
00:03:16.080 --> 00:03:18.719
So I sold a few questionable miracle tonics, huh?
00:03:18.879 --> 00:03:20.319
It was all for you.
00:03:20.479 --> 00:03:21.520
Times were tough.
00:03:21.599 --> 00:03:22.319
I mean, you know that.
00:03:22.400 --> 00:03:23.439
You groaked.
00:03:23.840 --> 00:03:24.479
Look!
00:03:24.719 --> 00:03:26.319
I just wanted you back.
00:03:26.479 --> 00:03:33.919
I wished you would come back and here you are! It's a miracle! I mean, sure you're a little rotten, but it's what's inside that counts.
00:03:34.560 --> 00:03:35.599
Ma! Ma?
00:03:36.719 --> 00:03:38.080
Where are we going?
00:03:41.360 --> 00:03:41.680
No.
00:03:42.080 --> 00:03:42.960
No, you can't.
00:03:43.120 --> 00:03:46.800
Ma! Let me go, you bust-filled undead bitch!
00:03:47.120 --> 00:03:53.039
Stopping suddenly, mother bends Raven over her knees and spanks him like a child.
00:03:53.280 --> 00:03:58.000
He yelps in pain as his mother paddles him with supernatural strokes.
00:03:58.639 --> 00:04:00.400
Such language.
00:04:08.080 --> 00:04:10.159
My butt's one of my favorite features.
00:04:10.560 --> 00:04:14.319
Children should be seen and not heard.
00:04:15.439 --> 00:04:19.040
No! Are you going to mind your manners?
00:04:19.279 --> 00:04:20.319
Bite me.
00:04:24.160 --> 00:04:30.639
Mother has dragged Raven into the field and toward a deep dark hole spanning about 20 feet across.
00:04:30.959 --> 00:04:34.399
Raven sees it and enters a panicked frenzy.
00:04:34.639 --> 00:04:42.560
No! No, Mama! It's your boy, Raven! Your only son! You love me! Please.
00:04:44.160 --> 00:04:49.680
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.
00:04:50.560 --> 00:04:52.959
She throws him into the bottomless chasm.
00:05:20.160 --> 00:05:26.480
An awkward, tall, and lanky lad dressed in emo black knocks on an apartment door.
00:05:26.959 --> 00:05:34.959
This is Ned, shuffling his feet anxiously, raking painted nails through his dyed black hair.
00:05:35.279 --> 00:05:42.319
The door opens slowly with the chain on, revealing a scruffy salt and pepper dude in a bathrobe.
00:05:55.199 --> 00:06:01.040
Ned waves cash at the dude who gestures to a massive vintage synthesizer with keyboard.
00:06:01.279 --> 00:06:03.040
I see you're ready to pay full price.
00:06:04.399 --> 00:06:08.720
The ARP 2600 vintage semimodular synthesizer from Korg.
00:06:09.279 --> 00:06:10.399
May I hear it?
00:06:11.839 --> 00:06:12.160
Oh.
00:06:13.920 --> 00:06:14.959
How's that sound?
00:06:15.120 --> 00:06:16.160
You know New Order?
00:06:16.399 --> 00:06:17.680
Played this baby on tour.
00:06:17.759 --> 00:06:19.279
Oh Joy Division.
00:06:19.439 --> 00:06:20.879
You know, check out the stencil.
00:06:21.120 --> 00:06:21.680
Wow!
00:06:21.839 --> 00:06:24.480
You can't fake that! Limited edition.
00:06:24.639 --> 00:06:28.720
And crafted in Japan duophonic keyboard with added arpeggiator.
00:06:28.879 --> 00:06:30.240
I won't even have to practice.
00:06:30.480 --> 00:06:31.199
Yeah, man.
00:06:31.600 --> 00:06:32.480
Easy money.
00:06:32.720 --> 00:06:34.079
Dude shuts the door.
00:06:34.240 --> 00:06:41.439
He sits at a table covered with instruments and continues painting Eric Clapton with a stencil on a guitar case.
00:06:41.600 --> 00:06:44.240
The new order stencil is on the table as well.
00:06:44.560 --> 00:06:45.759
Easy money.
00:06:46.000 --> 00:06:54.879
Ned joyously lugs the massive synth through the rundown apartment complex, past the shining pool, and carefully up the stairs to his apartment.
00:06:55.199 --> 00:06:57.759
This is Starving Artist Hollywood.
00:06:58.000 --> 00:06:58.399
Friday.
00:06:58.639 --> 00:06:59.120
I'm in.
00:06:59.279 --> 00:06:59.519
Love.
00:07:01.040 --> 00:07:06.959
The door to Ned's cramped studio apartment is awkwardly kicked open as he lurches in with the synth.
00:07:07.439 --> 00:07:08.639
Babe, I got it.
00:07:08.720 --> 00:07:12.480
The ARP 2600, everything's finally going great.
00:07:15.040 --> 00:07:16.000
It's over.
00:07:16.240 --> 00:07:19.360
Ned realizes all her bags are packed.
00:07:19.680 --> 00:07:22.319
Sheena is a pretty waif in her twenties.
00:07:22.800 --> 00:07:28.079
Next to her, Roberto, a handsome rocker, zips a guitar into its bag.
00:07:28.319 --> 00:07:31.600
Let's not make this breakup any tougher than it already is.
00:07:31.839 --> 00:07:33.040
Wait, wait, wait, what?
00:07:33.199 --> 00:07:34.720
We talked about this.
00:07:34.959 --> 00:07:37.680
I've been saying I wanted to piece out.
00:07:37.920 --> 00:07:41.279
I thought you were talking about like doing yoga or something.
00:07:41.600 --> 00:07:44.319
Ned, I'm with Roberto now.
00:07:44.720 --> 00:07:47.519
Oh, of course you'd go for the singer.
00:07:47.759 --> 00:07:48.079
Why?
00:07:48.240 --> 00:07:52.800
Because he's uh talented, chiseled, has those stupid pouty lips.
00:07:53.279 --> 00:07:55.759
Uh yeah, exactly.
00:07:56.160 --> 00:07:57.600
Don't lip shame me.
00:07:58.160 --> 00:08:01.519
Point those plumpered up collagen bags somewhere else.
00:08:01.839 --> 00:08:04.480
I am speaking to my girlfriend.
00:08:06.560 --> 00:08:07.600
Sorry, Ned.
00:08:07.920 --> 00:08:09.279
You'll be great.
00:08:09.839 --> 00:08:10.720
Yeah, I will.
00:08:11.120 --> 00:08:13.199
And you'll be missing out on all the hotness.
00:08:13.360 --> 00:08:17.279
The band's dropping a new album this year about the band.
00:08:17.680 --> 00:08:27.680
I look, we that is mothers of misery and I think that we should go our separate ways to make creative differences and all.
00:08:27.920 --> 00:08:29.920
Oh no, no, no, no, no.
00:08:30.160 --> 00:08:32.159
We have creative sameness.
00:08:32.960 --> 00:08:34.240
Look at us, man.
00:08:34.480 --> 00:08:36.159
We use the same eyeliner.
00:08:36.720 --> 00:08:40.159
No, you should be hoeing and you're broing.
00:08:40.399 --> 00:08:42.559
You don't practice like ever.
00:08:42.720 --> 00:08:44.320
A new synthesizer won't help.
00:08:44.559 --> 00:08:48.799
And using the word ho is sexist, you hoe.
00:08:49.600 --> 00:08:54.000
Regardless of who is a hoe, the synth plays itself.
00:08:54.320 --> 00:08:57.200
It's got an arpeggiator, you dumb fucks.
00:08:57.519 --> 00:08:58.720
Goodbye, Nedry.
00:08:59.279 --> 00:09:04.080
Please, respect my boundaries and don't blow up my phone.
00:09:04.559 --> 00:09:06.159
Sheena checks her phone.
00:09:06.320 --> 00:09:08.240
It's a text from Ned which reads.
00:09:08.639 --> 00:09:10.000
Don't does this?
00:09:10.639 --> 00:09:13.279
How did you even know, Ned?
00:09:13.440 --> 00:09:14.399
It's over.
00:09:14.720 --> 00:09:16.159
And you should check your computer.
00:09:16.399 --> 00:09:17.759
Work's been messaging.
00:09:18.000 --> 00:09:19.039
Come on, Bertie.
00:09:19.519 --> 00:09:20.159
Bertie?
00:09:20.960 --> 00:09:23.120
You can't have pet names yet.
00:09:23.840 --> 00:09:24.480
Wait, wait, wait.
00:09:24.559 --> 00:09:25.840
Don't don't leave.
00:09:26.159 --> 00:09:27.679
I Okay.
00:09:28.480 --> 00:09:29.840
I love you, Sheila.
00:09:30.320 --> 00:09:31.120
It's Sheena.
00:09:32.080 --> 00:09:32.720
Sheena.
00:09:33.200 --> 00:09:33.840
With an N.
00:09:34.320 --> 00:09:35.120
Since when?
00:09:35.519 --> 00:09:36.639
Since always.
00:09:44.799 --> 00:09:45.840
Hello, hello?
00:09:46.159 --> 00:09:48.159
Boss, please don't tell me I'm fired.
00:09:48.559 --> 00:09:49.120
Look.
00:09:49.519 --> 00:09:50.080
Ned.
00:09:50.639 --> 00:09:54.000
See the customers are all buying guitars online now.
00:09:54.159 --> 00:09:59.200
We just don't have the numbers to keep you and give the CEO his bonus.
00:09:59.440 --> 00:10:00.720
We're downsizing.
00:10:01.120 --> 00:10:02.639
English, please, not British.
00:10:02.960 --> 00:10:04.159
We're letting you go.
00:10:04.639 --> 00:10:05.200
Go where?
00:10:05.279 --> 00:10:06.480
I ain't working in drums.
00:10:06.559 --> 00:10:07.679
Those guys are dumb.
00:10:08.480 --> 00:10:10.240
Ned, listen, mate.
00:10:10.480 --> 00:10:11.360
You're fired.
00:10:11.919 --> 00:10:15.759
No, you dickless dick.
00:10:17.440 --> 00:10:20.320
Ugh, could this day get any worse?
00:10:23.039 --> 00:10:25.279
That's not ominous or anything.
00:10:26.799 --> 00:10:27.279
Hello.
00:10:28.080 --> 00:10:28.799
Hey Ned.
00:10:29.039 --> 00:10:30.080
It's your cousin Mike.
00:10:30.399 --> 00:10:30.799
Moose.
00:10:31.120 --> 00:10:31.759
Hey.
00:10:32.000 --> 00:10:34.639
Nobody's called me Moose since grade school.
00:10:35.600 --> 00:10:40.320
Look, there's no easy way to say this, but your parents playing a bali.
00:10:40.960 --> 00:10:43.279
It um well it crashed.
00:10:43.519 --> 00:10:44.559
They're gone.
00:10:45.759 --> 00:10:47.200
I'm sorry, cuz.
00:10:47.519 --> 00:10:48.639
They left you the farm.
00:10:48.799 --> 00:10:49.759
It's all yours.
00:10:49.919 --> 00:10:50.960
You gotta come back, man.
00:10:51.120 --> 00:10:52.480
Come back to Illinois.
00:10:53.039 --> 00:10:55.360
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:10:59.200 --> 00:11:07.279
Ned's flight leaves warm, sunny Los Angeles International Airport, arrives in Frozen March, Chicago.
00:11:08.000 --> 00:11:14.879
Clad in his darkest of winter couture, lugging many bags, Ned takes the L train.
00:11:16.320 --> 00:11:17.840
Doors closing.
00:11:18.159 --> 00:11:20.080
To Amtrak Station.
00:11:21.919 --> 00:11:24.559
Takes the Amtrak to Springfield.
00:11:24.799 --> 00:11:31.919
He watches the desolate flat empty of snow-covered Illinois scroll by until he begrudgingly boards a bus.
00:11:32.799 --> 00:11:36.240
Deeper and deeper into the monotonous countryside.
00:11:36.879 --> 00:11:41.039
Nothing but flat farmscape to the horizon.
00:11:41.279 --> 00:11:42.240
Oh no.
00:11:42.879 --> 00:11:45.600
This is the first day of spring in Illinois.
00:11:45.840 --> 00:11:54.799
Finally, Ned stands with all his baggage at the edge of a long driveway facing his creepy old family farmhouse.
00:11:55.360 --> 00:11:55.679
Okay.
00:12:00.080 --> 00:12:03.200
The stupid door is bullshit.
00:12:03.679 --> 00:12:10.080
Moose, a good-looking, squarely built black man, plainly dressed, leaps up to greet Ned.
00:12:10.399 --> 00:12:12.480
Oh yeah, what's up, cousin?
00:12:12.720 --> 00:12:13.519
You made it.
00:12:13.840 --> 00:12:15.200
Rockin' LA look.
00:12:15.360 --> 00:12:15.840
Nice.
00:12:16.080 --> 00:12:18.559
I'm so glad to see you made it safe.
00:12:19.360 --> 00:12:24.799
Ned slams the door shut, which knocks a bowling ball on a shelf up high loose.
00:12:24.960 --> 00:12:31.840
It rolls on the shelf, drops inches away from Ned's skull, smashing the floorboards to splinters.
00:12:32.080 --> 00:12:34.399
Whoa, Jesus! What the hell, man?
00:12:34.559 --> 00:12:36.080
That could've killed me.
00:12:36.399 --> 00:12:39.279
My parents still kept that bowling ball up there?
00:12:39.600 --> 00:12:42.159
Sorry, uh, I didn't even notice it.
00:12:42.480 --> 00:12:43.919
Don't worry about the floor though.
00:12:44.000 --> 00:12:45.600
Uh that'll buff right out.
00:12:45.759 --> 00:12:47.840
Anyway, hi Moose.
00:12:48.080 --> 00:12:49.600
You got tall.
00:12:49.840 --> 00:12:51.440
Great to see you too, Ned.
00:12:51.679 --> 00:12:54.080
Uh, cuz I'm so sorry.
00:12:54.480 --> 00:12:56.480
I love you, and I loved your parents.
00:12:56.639 --> 00:12:58.559
Yes, yes, emotions.
00:12:59.440 --> 00:13:00.960
They are important.
00:13:01.759 --> 00:13:03.120
That means so much.
00:13:03.360 --> 00:13:04.399
Welcome back.
00:13:04.639 --> 00:13:06.320
It's uh it's been a minute.
00:13:06.480 --> 00:13:07.759
You want the speed tour?
00:13:07.840 --> 00:13:10.399
Look around and see the vastness of your inheritance.
00:13:10.639 --> 00:13:13.759
Alright, so what's with all this music stuff?
00:13:14.000 --> 00:13:14.960
It's mine.
00:13:15.279 --> 00:13:17.759
Uh I've been crashing on the couch.
00:13:17.919 --> 00:13:21.360
I was helping your peas with the planting around the farm and all.
00:13:21.600 --> 00:13:26.240
I mean, I love this land and caring for it, and uh this is awkward.
00:13:26.960 --> 00:13:28.799
They said I could live here in their will.
00:13:29.440 --> 00:13:31.600
Wait, the house comes with a cousin?
00:13:32.240 --> 00:13:33.840
I thought it all went to me.
00:13:34.080 --> 00:13:34.720
It did.
00:13:35.039 --> 00:13:35.919
It did.
00:13:36.559 --> 00:13:38.240
Just I get to live here.
00:13:38.399 --> 00:13:41.600
Only till I get back on my feet and I get some money coming in.
00:13:41.840 --> 00:13:42.879
You know how it is.
00:13:43.039 --> 00:13:46.320
Your parents, well, they were like my parents too.
00:13:46.639 --> 00:13:50.159
This is all just coming at me a little fast.
00:13:50.240 --> 00:13:50.799
I mean.
00:13:51.039 --> 00:13:52.399
So what do you think?
00:13:52.799 --> 00:13:54.399
Place hasn't changed a bit, right?
00:13:54.639 --> 00:14:04.720
Ned looks around the room and zooms in on a myriad collection of Catholic religious iconography: crosses, crucifixes, saints statues, Bibles.
00:14:05.120 --> 00:14:06.720
He grimaces.
00:14:07.919 --> 00:14:09.200
First things first.
00:14:10.320 --> 00:14:15.679
Ned dumps a heap of religious knick-knacks into a trash can as the sun sets.
00:14:15.840 --> 00:14:19.840
The fields are unplanted and span to the horizon.
00:14:21.120 --> 00:14:22.960
So long, Jesus junk.
00:14:23.120 --> 00:14:23.679
I get it.
00:14:23.840 --> 00:14:26.159
Religion, not for everybody.
00:14:26.399 --> 00:14:28.879
I think your parents were obsessed with warding off evil.
00:14:29.039 --> 00:14:33.919
The only thing the Catholic Church is good at warding off are consequences for pervy priests.
00:14:34.240 --> 00:14:34.799
Point.
00:14:35.039 --> 00:14:36.480
And women's rights.
00:14:36.720 --> 00:14:37.279
Facts.
00:14:37.519 --> 00:14:38.080
Taxes.
00:14:38.399 --> 00:14:40.639
See, they are pretty good at warding off stuff.
00:14:40.799 --> 00:14:41.039
Huh.
00:14:41.120 --> 00:14:45.519
Look, I didn't want to tell you this right away, but uh listen.
00:14:46.559 --> 00:14:47.919
Spit it out, Moose!
00:14:48.240 --> 00:14:49.840
Your parents were in major debt.
00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:51.759
They were gonna lose the farm this fall.
00:14:52.000 --> 00:14:52.720
Sorry, man.
00:14:52.879 --> 00:14:54.720
Big corporations just crushing them.
00:14:55.039 --> 00:15:01.360
I know you just inherited all this and of course, of course!
00:15:02.080 --> 00:15:04.960
Damn it! Stupid family curse!
00:15:05.200 --> 00:15:06.960
Uh, don't say the C word.
00:15:07.519 --> 00:15:07.840
Cund?
00:15:08.399 --> 00:15:08.799
Curse.
00:15:08.960 --> 00:15:09.279
Oh.
00:15:09.440 --> 00:15:10.720
Let's not go down that road.
00:15:10.960 --> 00:15:12.720
Is that why they were flying to Bali?
00:15:12.960 --> 00:15:15.919
Were they like fleeing the country to avoid bills?
00:15:16.240 --> 00:15:17.840
30th anniversary.
00:15:18.159 --> 00:15:19.279
But you knew that.
00:15:19.440 --> 00:15:21.039
Yeah, yeah, right, right, right, right.
00:15:21.200 --> 00:15:21.600
Mm-hmm.
00:15:21.759 --> 00:15:28.480
Listen, we just finished the last quarter of the planting tomorrow, and the corn will get you some bucks in your pocket come harvest time.
00:15:28.799 --> 00:15:29.840
Best we can do.
00:15:30.879 --> 00:15:32.480
You look thirsty.
00:15:40.799 --> 00:15:51.279
Next time on Illinois Hellhole, Ed runs into an old crush at the busted bottle and tries to operate a tractor while planting corn.
00:15:51.440 --> 00:15:54.399
Let me find something bottomless in that cornfield.
00:15:54.480 --> 00:15:57.679
And sad to say, folks, it's not a mimosa.
00:15:58.639 --> 00:16:01.759
Episode two is in your feed now, so keep going.
00:16:02.080 --> 00:16:08.399
If you're enjoying Illinois Hellhole, the best thing you can do would be to leave a rating and a review.
00:16:08.559 --> 00:16:15.440
Wherever you're listening, it's free, it takes about a minute, and it's what makes new listeners take a chance on a show like this one.
00:16:15.600 --> 00:16:17.919
We're indie and we need your support.
00:16:18.240 --> 00:16:24.720
By the way, you can contribute at my Patreon at patreon.com slash Matt Brookens.
00:16:24.879 --> 00:16:27.200
That's B-R-O-O-K-E-N-S.
00:16:27.519 --> 00:16:28.559
Thanks, guys.
00:16:28.960 --> 00:16:48.559
Illinois Hellhole Episode 1 stars Corey Burton as your narrator, Darren Norris as Raben, Matt Brookens as Ned, Reggie Guyton as Moose, Mindy Torano as Mother, Jessica Bailey Forsyth as Sheena, Guy Forsyth as Roberto, Jeff Williams as the bathrobe dude.
00:16:48.799 --> 00:16:55.200
Sound mixer Brian Magram, whose credits include Andor, Barbie, and Killers of the Flower Moon.
00:16:55.360 --> 00:16:57.440
Just some little movies you might have heard of.
00:16:57.600 --> 00:17:03.120
Editor Adam Kunzelman, written and directed and produced by me, Matt Brookens.
00:17:03.679 --> 00:17:08.079
So I want to point out that I did a dramatic reading of The Monkey's Paw.
00:17:08.160 --> 00:17:11.279
This is a classic literature piece by W.
00:17:11.519 --> 00:17:11.680
W.
00:17:12.000 --> 00:17:21.119
Jacobs, and I did a uh a bunch of dumb jokes before it and after it, and did the whole thing with uh sound design and music.
00:17:21.279 --> 00:17:35.200
It reads like a play, it is truly chilling, and it definitely influenced me with Illinois Hellhole, and I would say a lot of other filmmakers like The Simpsons and Curry Barker with the movie Obsession.
00:17:35.440 --> 00:17:40.400
So check out my recording of The Monkey's Paw here in this podcast feed.
