WEBVTT
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Matt Brookins presents Illinois Hellhole.
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Previously on Illinois Hellhole! Can't you just stun him or something?
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This ain't Star Wars.
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I can't just flip this thing to stun.
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On the hawk hunt, Ned wished out loud that Lenore would fall in love with him and pointed Rucker toward the hole.
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Rucker went in.
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He turned up dead in his office that same afternoon, mysteriously.
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He died of autoerotic asphyxiation.
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Ned kept the man's hulk collar and set it on his mantelpiece.
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Something of a memento.
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That night, Lenore came to the farmhouse in rain.
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I've waited a long time for this.
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Seems a little inefficient.
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You could have texted or sent a follow-up email.
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And Raven started asking Ned.
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The world's crawlin' with folks like Rucker, macho, mean, holy rolling hypocrites choking on their own vices.
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Wouldn't it be better if a few more of them just disappear?
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Will Ned be able to redeem himself in time?
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Fall arrives in Illinois.
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The corn is being harvested.
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Teenagers steal skeleton decorations.
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Some dad finishes raking, and the wind immediately scatters leaves all over his yard.
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At the farmhouse, Moonglow lingers at the end of the walk, contemplating the building with trepidation.
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She clutches a heavy book, drumming her fingers on it.
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Finally, she marches toward the door.
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Just as she reaches the jack-o'-lantern on the porch, Moose opens the door, heading out with keys in hand.
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Hey, Mike.
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Moon Glo, um, hi.
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What brings you out here?
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Oh, um, I was kind of worried about something your cousin told me last spring.
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He described a what spiritualists call a literal hell hole.
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Oh, that.
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There's a pretty fascinating mega hole out in the field.
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My geology teacher confirmed that it definitely wasn't a hole to Hell?
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Right.
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I mean, that's crazy.
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You know me.
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You know I only have take this psychic stuff seriously.
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Sure.
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I mean, I always knew you were tuned in, though.
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Thanks.
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I think this one is real.
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I think everyone surrounding Ned is in danger, including you.
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Have you noticed any evil-centric time hiccups lately?
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Any what now?
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People dying strangely.
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Like Bill from the bank.
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And Rucker?
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You're noticing things out of order or events that just fall into place in Ned's favor out of nowhere.
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Things that were going one way and suddenly reverse.
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Also, you'll probably be subject to increasing sensations of creeping dread.
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I mean, it was crazy how all of a sudden I switched from making hip-hop jazz to emo.
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Yes, that is pretty strange.
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You want to hear some?
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Sure.
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In the living room, Moose plays bass while Ned plays synth badly.
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Lenore and Moonglow sit on the couch listening.
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Ned sings.
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I drown in my souls just to feel your smoochy kiss.
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Smooch, smoochy kiss.
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I am a sad little boy, and I don't know what to do, and I feel my sorrow with you.
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Ned blows a kiss.
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Munglo and Lenore clap.
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I appreciate that you appreciate me.
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Ned takes a deep bow while Moose goes off on a crazy slap-bass solo that is actually amazing.
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I love it, Nettie.
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So good, you two.
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Damn, Moose! Listen to him.
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Wicked.
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I had no idea he could play like that.
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Years of practice and study.
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Yeah, but it doesn't fit the song.
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I mean, this is somber heartbreak music, not some grateful dead fish jam band session.
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Just having fun.
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Can I give you a tarot reading sometime?
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For real?
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Sure.
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I'd love to see where that creative energy comes from.
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Okay, we get it.
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He's a golden god, okay?
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But if you consider both of your names start with moo, I mean moon glow, moose.
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Maybe that's the attraction, like some kind of subconscious cow fetish.
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I'm just saying.
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Well, anyway, I'm super tired, also sleepy, and it was so delightful basking in your aura moon glow.
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Ned herds Moonglow toward the door.
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Wait, Ned, I brought you something.
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She pushes the tome into his arms.
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No gracius, you can keep your wack-a-doo, mumbo jumbo, hocus pocus.
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Woo-woo!
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It's the definitive guide to hell holes.
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It could literally save your soul.
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Oh, I'll totally skim it.
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I don't mean to frighten you.
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There are two demon hands gripping your ankles right now.
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Ned looks down.
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Sure enough, two gnarly clawed hands grip his ankles.
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Oh god!
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Then they're gone.
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That was just the power of suggestion.
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Only thing I see is a small town psychic who needs to the moose.
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Bye-bye.
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Ned slams the door in her face.
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Bye, Moon Glow! That was a little rude.
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Ned's just to the point.
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It's cool.
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Moose, would you excuse us for a minute?
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Moose tips his hat and exits.
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We need to talk about the bills.
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Since I moved in, there's been zero income, and you don't even have a plan to harvest the crops yet.
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We're out of time, Nettie.
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Lenor, sweetie, don't you believe in me?
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Don't you support my dreams?
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Well, uh, sure.
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Nice.
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Then take a chill pill, babe.
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But the corn.
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I don't want to hear about that dang corn anymore!
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I'm sorry, I I've been stressed out.
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Corn is what makes Illinois the breadbasket of America.
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You can just sleep on the couch and think about that.
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Lenore.
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Good night, Nedry.
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Later that night on the couch, Ned is tossing and turning under a tiny blanket.
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Finally, he sits up and switches on a lamp.
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Moonglow's book, a dusty tome, titled The Illustrated Guide to Hell Holes, catches the light.
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Giving in, he opens it and reads.
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By Hortons Goodbody.
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Hell holes.
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Not to be confused with sinkholes are honey holes, our supernatural passages to the underworld.
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A place devoid of joy, hope, and all things you might love.
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In other words, hell.
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Souls of the deceased that inhabit hell are forced to wander the abyss and are tortured by the sins that brought them there.
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Malignant creatures, known as nether demons, act as gods in this prison, serving their master, Satan.
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Their purpose is to keep the damned inn and goodness out.
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A hellhole can only open in the light of a full-blood moon during an equinox or a solstice.
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Once the passage is open, mortals must beware.
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If a mortal falls in, the power of Satan will grant the wish of the one who last spoke to the victim.
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This is a trick designed to lure a decent person to sin.
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Ned glances around his creepy farmhouse.
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It feels like there are eyes everywhere.
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Shit.
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Once the wisher has sufficiently tipped the scales of their soul from good to evil, a great reckoning from the pit will occur.
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Accidents, just some coincidental accidents happen, that's all.
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What happens when someone falls into a hell hole?
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Our studies suggest that the victim will die of natural causes in a way that grants the wish.
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The victim will die at the same time they were thrown into the hole.
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Their death will typically be of an embarrassing nature.
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Why?
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Because Satan is an asshole.
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This writer was ahead of their time.
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When the next solstice arrives, the hole will close again, using evil forces to drag any unfortunate wishing sinner in, alive.
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Have you seen a stranger from another time?
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The stranger is the previous wisher who has been sent to tempt a mortal to take their place in hell.
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You will know them by their antiquated ways, endless riches, and gold manacles about their wrists.
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Beware, ye mortals, for this is the one who has the most to gain by sending you to hell.
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Ned slams the book shut, feeling a chill run down his spine.
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This book is really fucking dumb.
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The next morning at the busted bottle, Rabin regales a group of locals with a story from his usual spot in the corner booth.
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Cheryl fills their coffees and sets down heaping plates cheerfully.
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And so I finally mustered up the courage to ask, Spirit, have you come back from hell to seek vengeance?
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There was a clap of thunder, and we all watched in horror as the Ouija board sprang to life under our fingers.
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Well, Ouija boy, what happened next?
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The planchette was sliding all over the board.
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Finally, it all spelled out B R B.
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I said, are you kidding me?
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Ghosted by a ghost?
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I'm still hoping it was autocorrect, you know, like on the cellular telephone devices.
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That joke was ducking stupid.
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Thanks, sweetheart.
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Could you get everybody around to sinkers?
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Especially Ned over there.
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He's looking a bit peckish.
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Sinkers?
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Donuts, dear.
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Donuts.
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I don't want your dirty devil donuts.
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Easy, kid.
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It's a Boston cream, not a Boston Scream, right?
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Oh, I know who you are.
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You're literally from Hell.
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Uh Hell Michigan.
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Yeah, it's uh right outside of Ann Arbor.
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Funny name, though.
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Ned! Can we chitchat outside?
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This ought to cover the tab.
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Rabin spills gold coins on the table.
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Everyone stares at the treasure with wide eyes.
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Ned storms out dramatically.
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As Raven begins to follow him out, Cheryl catches him by the elbow.
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Now you leave that kid alone.
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No more doing what you've been doing.
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I know.
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It's the only way.
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Yes, it is.
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Outside, Raben throws open the door and Ned grabs him by the collar.
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Hey, easy, friend.
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Nobody needs to get hot.
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You think I'm a dupe?
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You got sent to hell, and now you're trying to get me to take your place?
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Well, it ain't happening.
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I'm a fucking shining light of moral fortitude, asshole!
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Sure, kid.
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Come on, nobody deserves that.
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Least of all you.
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I've been feeling a pang and a twang of guilt about leading you down the dark path.
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Trust me, even the worst mortals don't deserve what's in that hole.
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Ha, so you admit it! You're a demon straight out of the devil's hole.
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No, kid, I'm from right here in Illinois.
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In fact, I'm your great-great-grandfather.
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Say what?
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This calls for a smoke.
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Puff it up, hmm?
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It'll be our little offering to the fire demons.
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Rabin lights a cigar and offers Ned one.
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Ew?
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He declines.
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Ah, the year was 1932.
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Stock market had taken a nosedive.
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Dust Bowl was bowling.
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The Great Depression had us all melancholic.
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Broke.
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We was all broke.
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Even the brokers.
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Now this may shock you, but uh I wasn't the best dad.
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I promised your great-great-grandma that I'd marry her, but I didn't want to work on that farm.
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The same farm you own, the Fisher family farm.
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I wasn't meant for that corn life.
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You get it.
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We can't all be bumpkins.
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Besides, I had a mission to complete.
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I had to raise money to get my dear, sweet little old mom in operation.
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Oh, well, that certainly rings true.
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Okay, she was a mean old badger, but she was my ma, and she had consumption.
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Now I was selling my miracle elixir to pay her bills.
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Snake oil.
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Okay, this I believe.
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It was the 30s.
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Leeches were high tech.
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Get to the hole.
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Right, right, hole.
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So I go picking herbs and whatnot on the Fisher farm, when lo and behold, I found a bottomless pit.
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At the same time, this hooligan from town had followed me.
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He said he was gonna clean my clock for not curing his daddy's rheumatism.
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I mean, shit, all I had was goatweed and wild onions.
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What did he expect?
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Anyway, he was giving me a good lickin' when I kinda just yelled out, I wish I had some more money! Then he stumbled backward, teetering on the edge of the hole, and And and I could have saved him, but I just stared at him.
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Then whoopsie! When I got back, a quack doctor made an offer to buy my recipe.
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Suddenly, I had the money I wished for.
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So I paid for Ma's operation.
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Did she make it?
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Nah, she croaked anyway.
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Anywho, I had this feeling that the hole granted my wish.
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When that quack figured out I'd sold him a dummy, he came a hunting me with a rusty sickle.
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Fortunately, I was packing.
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I took my shotgun and marched that bastard right into the hole.
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Whoopsie! He was a crook anyway, and what'd you wish for?
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Ma.
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I wished Ma wasn't dead no more.
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Did she come back?
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That night, I was at your great-great-granny's.
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Everyone had turned in for the night.
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But then came a knock at the door.
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Knock.
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Knock.
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Knock.
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Oh no.
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There are things no human can bear to see.
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The mind sort of breaks.
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There on my doorstep stood a putrid dead body.
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It croaked.
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Come to your mother.
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The ghoul dragged me through the coinfield.
00:16:08.559 --> 00:16:13.360
Then my own dead mother chucked me into that godforsaken pit to hell.
00:16:17.759 --> 00:16:18.639
Jesus.
00:16:18.879 --> 00:16:19.519
Jesus?
00:16:19.679 --> 00:16:20.480
Never met him.
00:16:20.720 --> 00:16:21.759
Now, Satan?
00:16:22.399 --> 00:16:24.240
Satan's a real prick.
00:16:27.840 --> 00:16:33.440
At the farmhouse, Lenore descends the stairs and finds Moose playing the synthesizer.
00:16:33.679 --> 00:16:35.440
Hey, is Ned around?
00:16:35.679 --> 00:16:37.679
Nah, I figured he was up there with you.
00:16:37.919 --> 00:16:39.440
Thought you guys made up by now.
00:16:39.679 --> 00:16:40.240
Nope.
00:16:40.399 --> 00:16:42.799
He won't take responsibility for anything he does.
00:16:42.960 --> 00:16:44.080
He's like a child.
00:16:44.399 --> 00:16:46.639
Kids, what are you gonna do?
00:16:46.879 --> 00:16:49.360
Well, I hope you won't tell him I'm using his synth.
00:16:49.600 --> 00:16:49.919
Why?
00:16:50.080 --> 00:16:50.960
What's the big deal?
00:16:51.200 --> 00:16:53.519
He's really possessive of this thing.
00:16:53.679 --> 00:16:55.039
And I can see why.
00:16:55.200 --> 00:16:58.399
It's basically everything I needed to level up my music.
00:16:59.759 --> 00:17:00.960
He's your cousin.
00:17:01.120 --> 00:17:02.000
He should share it.
00:17:02.240 --> 00:17:04.480
Lenore notices something on the shelf.
00:17:04.559 --> 00:17:06.480
It's Rucker's hog collar.
00:17:06.720 --> 00:17:08.799
She picks it up and turns it over.
00:17:09.039 --> 00:17:12.480
She finds that it's monogrammed and reads it out loud.
00:17:12.799 --> 00:17:14.880
This belongs to Rucker, motherfucker.
00:17:15.279 --> 00:17:16.799
Easy, I didn't take it.
00:17:17.039 --> 00:17:18.720
How did Ned get it?
00:17:18.960 --> 00:17:25.359
I mean, I remember trying to get them to go hunting and bury the hatchet, but I can't recall if they ever did.
00:17:25.599 --> 00:17:29.599
Lenore picks up the illustrated guide to hell holes from the couch.
00:17:29.759 --> 00:17:32.160
She reads it, engrossed.
00:17:32.640 --> 00:17:33.759
I'm sure they did.
00:17:34.079 --> 00:17:36.720
Probably went after the feral hogs we got in the field.
00:17:37.039 --> 00:17:38.640
Hey, I'm heading to town.
00:17:38.799 --> 00:17:39.759
You want anything?
00:17:40.160 --> 00:17:41.680
Answers, Moose.
00:17:42.319 --> 00:17:43.839
I want answers.
00:17:44.079 --> 00:17:47.599
But I was thinking more like a bucket of wings or something.
00:17:47.759 --> 00:17:50.960
Lenore gazes out the window toward the hellhole.
00:17:51.200 --> 00:17:54.319
The corn sways gently in the wind.
00:17:58.160 --> 00:18:00.960
Stay tuned next time on Illinois Hellhole.
00:18:01.119 --> 00:18:04.079
Raven tries to talk Ned into being a better man.
00:18:04.319 --> 00:18:06.880
I just found the joy of being good.
00:18:08.880 --> 00:18:12.640
And Lenore walks out on the edge of the hole alone.
00:18:13.279 --> 00:18:15.119
Please be careful, okay?
00:18:15.279 --> 00:18:16.640
I'm always careful.
00:18:16.880 --> 00:18:19.359
Will Ned be able to save her in time?
00:18:20.640 --> 00:18:21.599
Peace out.
00:18:21.920 --> 00:18:25.119
All this and more on Illinois Hellhole.
00:18:25.200 --> 00:18:26.319
Stay tuned.
00:18:27.519 --> 00:18:35.279
If you're enjoying Illinois Hellhole, the best thing you can do would be to leave a rating and a review wherever you're listening.
00:18:35.440 --> 00:18:40.880
It's free, it takes about a minute, and it's what makes new listeners take a chance on a show like this one.
00:18:41.039 --> 00:18:43.440
We're indie and we need your support.
00:18:43.680 --> 00:18:50.079
By the way, you can contribute at my Patreon at patreon.com slash Matt Brookens.
00:18:50.400 --> 00:18:52.720
That's B-R-O-O-K-E-N-S.
00:18:52.960 --> 00:18:54.160
Thanks, guys.
00:18:54.960 --> 00:19:16.000
Illinois Hellhole episode seven stars Corey Burton as the narrator, Darren Norris as Raven, Matt Brookens, hey that's me as Ned, Reggie Guyton as Moose, Megan McDonough as Lenore, Cassandra Escondell as Moonglow, Maria Libri as Cheryl, Nitton Sill as Hortons Goodbody.
00:19:16.400 --> 00:19:22.640
Big thanks to Nittin Sill, our Hortons Goodbody, the voice of the illustrated guide to hell holes.
00:19:22.960 --> 00:19:30.480
Niton is an incredible podcaster and YouTuber in his own right, and the creator of Flashpoint History.
00:19:30.640 --> 00:19:37.200
He's in the middle of a top-notch series on the American Revolution right now, and it is more relevant than ever.
00:19:37.359 --> 00:19:41.039
So check it out, Flashpoint History, wherever you're listening.
00:19:41.279 --> 00:19:44.079
And he's also a great friend of mine.
00:19:44.559 --> 00:19:53.359
And a huge thank you to Jessica Bailey Forsythe, or Jessica Bailey, who played Sheena, and she just nailed the comedy.
00:19:53.599 --> 00:19:58.799
Jessica is a phenomenal singer and an entertainer based in Austin, Texas.
00:19:59.039 --> 00:20:03.119
Check her out at Jessicaatx.com.
00:00:00.959 --> 00:00:06.320
Matt Brookins presents Illinois Hellhole.
00:00:10.320 --> 00:00:16.160
Previously on Illinois Hellhole! Can't you just stun him or something?
00:00:16.399 --> 00:00:18.000
This ain't Star Wars.
00:00:18.160 --> 00:00:20.000
I can't just flip this thing to stun.
00:00:20.239 --> 00:00:26.559
On the hawk hunt, Ned wished out loud that Lenore would fall in love with him and pointed Rucker toward the hole.
00:00:28.000 --> 00:00:29.120
Rucker went in.
00:00:29.519 --> 00:00:33.679
He turned up dead in his office that same afternoon, mysteriously.
00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:37.200
He died of autoerotic asphyxiation.
00:00:39.200 --> 00:00:42.880
Ned kept the man's hulk collar and set it on his mantelpiece.
00:00:43.039 --> 00:00:44.799
Something of a memento.
00:00:45.439 --> 00:00:48.399
That night, Lenore came to the farmhouse in rain.
00:00:48.719 --> 00:00:51.039
I've waited a long time for this.
00:00:51.359 --> 00:00:52.799
Seems a little inefficient.
00:00:52.960 --> 00:00:55.759
You could have texted or sent a follow-up email.
00:00:56.000 --> 00:00:58.560
And Raven started asking Ned.
00:00:58.799 --> 00:01:05.840
The world's crawlin' with folks like Rucker, macho, mean, holy rolling hypocrites choking on their own vices.
00:01:06.000 --> 00:01:11.120
Wouldn't it be better if a few more of them just disappear?
00:01:12.879 --> 00:01:16.159
Will Ned be able to redeem himself in time?
00:01:19.680 --> 00:01:21.920
Fall arrives in Illinois.
00:01:22.159 --> 00:01:24.640
The corn is being harvested.
00:01:25.599 --> 00:01:28.640
Teenagers steal skeleton decorations.
00:01:29.599 --> 00:01:36.959
Some dad finishes raking, and the wind immediately scatters leaves all over his yard.
00:01:37.760 --> 00:01:45.040
At the farmhouse, Moonglow lingers at the end of the walk, contemplating the building with trepidation.
00:01:47.120 --> 00:01:51.599
She clutches a heavy book, drumming her fingers on it.
00:01:51.840 --> 00:01:54.319
Finally, she marches toward the door.
00:01:54.560 --> 00:02:02.480
Just as she reaches the jack-o'-lantern on the porch, Moose opens the door, heading out with keys in hand.
00:02:02.799 --> 00:02:03.599
Hey, Mike.
00:02:03.840 --> 00:02:05.920
Moon Glo, um, hi.
00:02:06.560 --> 00:02:08.000
What brings you out here?
00:02:08.240 --> 00:02:13.120
Oh, um, I was kind of worried about something your cousin told me last spring.
00:02:13.439 --> 00:02:17.840
He described a what spiritualists call a literal hell hole.
00:02:18.159 --> 00:02:19.199
Oh, that.
00:02:19.680 --> 00:02:22.800
There's a pretty fascinating mega hole out in the field.
00:02:22.960 --> 00:02:27.599
My geology teacher confirmed that it definitely wasn't a hole to Hell?
00:02:28.240 --> 00:02:28.800
Right.
00:02:29.039 --> 00:02:30.560
I mean, that's crazy.
00:02:30.879 --> 00:02:31.680
You know me.
00:02:31.919 --> 00:02:34.719
You know I only have take this psychic stuff seriously.
00:02:35.120 --> 00:02:35.680
Sure.
00:02:35.840 --> 00:02:38.560
I mean, I always knew you were tuned in, though.
00:02:38.879 --> 00:02:39.520
Thanks.
00:02:40.000 --> 00:02:41.439
I think this one is real.
00:02:41.599 --> 00:02:45.039
I think everyone surrounding Ned is in danger, including you.
00:02:45.520 --> 00:02:48.159
Have you noticed any evil-centric time hiccups lately?
00:02:48.400 --> 00:02:49.360
Any what now?
00:02:49.599 --> 00:02:50.960
People dying strangely.
00:02:51.199 --> 00:02:52.719
Like Bill from the bank.
00:02:52.960 --> 00:02:54.080
And Rucker?
00:02:54.879 --> 00:03:00.800
You're noticing things out of order or events that just fall into place in Ned's favor out of nowhere.
00:03:00.960 --> 00:03:04.159
Things that were going one way and suddenly reverse.
00:03:04.400 --> 00:03:09.039
Also, you'll probably be subject to increasing sensations of creeping dread.
00:03:09.280 --> 00:03:14.080
I mean, it was crazy how all of a sudden I switched from making hip-hop jazz to emo.
00:03:14.319 --> 00:03:15.919
Yes, that is pretty strange.
00:03:16.240 --> 00:03:17.360
You want to hear some?
00:03:17.840 --> 00:03:18.400
Sure.
00:03:19.199 --> 00:03:25.039
In the living room, Moose plays bass while Ned plays synth badly.
00:03:25.360 --> 00:03:28.800
Lenore and Moonglow sit on the couch listening.
00:03:29.199 --> 00:03:30.159
Ned sings.
00:03:34.319 --> 00:03:38.479
I drown in my souls just to feel your smoochy kiss.
00:03:38.560 --> 00:03:40.960
Smooch, smoochy kiss.
00:03:41.520 --> 00:03:48.479
I am a sad little boy, and I don't know what to do, and I feel my sorrow with you.
00:03:48.800 --> 00:03:50.000
Ned blows a kiss.
00:03:50.159 --> 00:03:51.840
Munglo and Lenore clap.
00:03:52.240 --> 00:03:55.280
I appreciate that you appreciate me.
00:03:55.520 --> 00:04:02.639
Ned takes a deep bow while Moose goes off on a crazy slap-bass solo that is actually amazing.
00:04:02.879 --> 00:04:04.240
I love it, Nettie.
00:04:04.560 --> 00:04:05.840
So good, you two.
00:04:06.000 --> 00:04:08.639
Damn, Moose! Listen to him.
00:04:08.960 --> 00:04:09.520
Wicked.
00:04:09.599 --> 00:04:11.599
I had no idea he could play like that.
00:04:12.000 --> 00:04:13.520
Years of practice and study.
00:04:13.759 --> 00:04:15.599
Yeah, but it doesn't fit the song.
00:04:16.480 --> 00:04:22.560
I mean, this is somber heartbreak music, not some grateful dead fish jam band session.
00:04:23.120 --> 00:04:23.759
Just having fun.
00:04:24.000 --> 00:04:26.240
Can I give you a tarot reading sometime?
00:04:26.639 --> 00:04:27.199
For real?
00:04:27.759 --> 00:04:28.079
Sure.
00:04:28.480 --> 00:04:31.360
I'd love to see where that creative energy comes from.
00:04:31.839 --> 00:04:33.199
Okay, we get it.
00:04:33.360 --> 00:04:35.519
He's a golden god, okay?
00:04:36.240 --> 00:04:41.439
But if you consider both of your names start with moo, I mean moon glow, moose.
00:04:42.560 --> 00:04:46.399
Maybe that's the attraction, like some kind of subconscious cow fetish.
00:04:46.480 --> 00:04:47.680
I'm just saying.
00:04:47.920 --> 00:04:54.079
Well, anyway, I'm super tired, also sleepy, and it was so delightful basking in your aura moon glow.
00:04:54.319 --> 00:04:56.720
Ned herds Moonglow toward the door.
00:04:57.040 --> 00:04:59.360
Wait, Ned, I brought you something.
00:04:59.680 --> 00:05:02.079
She pushes the tome into his arms.
00:05:02.560 --> 00:05:06.879
No gracius, you can keep your wack-a-doo, mumbo jumbo, hocus pocus.
00:05:07.040 --> 00:05:07.680
Woo-woo!
00:05:07.920 --> 00:05:10.079
It's the definitive guide to hell holes.
00:05:10.240 --> 00:05:12.399
It could literally save your soul.
00:05:12.639 --> 00:05:15.199
Oh, I'll totally skim it.
00:05:15.839 --> 00:05:17.680
I don't mean to frighten you.
00:05:17.920 --> 00:05:21.120
There are two demon hands gripping your ankles right now.
00:05:21.360 --> 00:05:22.639
Ned looks down.
00:05:22.800 --> 00:05:26.800
Sure enough, two gnarly clawed hands grip his ankles.
00:05:27.120 --> 00:05:27.759
Oh god!
00:05:27.920 --> 00:05:29.360
Then they're gone.
00:05:31.519 --> 00:05:33.759
That was just the power of suggestion.
00:05:34.079 --> 00:05:38.000
Only thing I see is a small town psychic who needs to the moose.
00:05:38.399 --> 00:05:39.040
Bye-bye.
00:05:39.199 --> 00:05:41.279
Ned slams the door in her face.
00:05:41.600 --> 00:05:45.040
Bye, Moon Glow! That was a little rude.
00:05:45.360 --> 00:05:46.800
Ned's just to the point.
00:05:47.120 --> 00:05:47.839
It's cool.
00:05:48.399 --> 00:05:50.639
Moose, would you excuse us for a minute?
00:05:51.040 --> 00:05:53.839
Moose tips his hat and exits.
00:05:54.560 --> 00:05:56.160
We need to talk about the bills.
00:05:56.560 --> 00:06:01.439
Since I moved in, there's been zero income, and you don't even have a plan to harvest the crops yet.
00:06:01.759 --> 00:06:02.879
We're out of time, Nettie.
00:06:03.199 --> 00:06:06.639
Lenor, sweetie, don't you believe in me?
00:06:07.040 --> 00:06:09.040
Don't you support my dreams?
00:06:09.600 --> 00:06:10.800
Well, uh, sure.
00:06:11.279 --> 00:06:11.600
Nice.
00:06:11.839 --> 00:06:13.439
Then take a chill pill, babe.
00:06:13.839 --> 00:06:14.879
But the corn.
00:06:15.199 --> 00:06:19.199
I don't want to hear about that dang corn anymore!
00:06:21.839 --> 00:06:24.399
I'm sorry, I I've been stressed out.
00:06:24.800 --> 00:06:27.600
Corn is what makes Illinois the breadbasket of America.
00:06:27.759 --> 00:06:30.319
You can just sleep on the couch and think about that.
00:06:30.720 --> 00:06:31.199
Lenore.
00:06:31.680 --> 00:06:33.279
Good night, Nedry.
00:06:42.639 --> 00:06:49.120
Later that night on the couch, Ned is tossing and turning under a tiny blanket.
00:06:49.360 --> 00:06:52.079
Finally, he sits up and switches on a lamp.
00:06:52.639 --> 00:07:00.079
Moonglow's book, a dusty tome, titled The Illustrated Guide to Hell Holes, catches the light.
00:07:00.399 --> 00:07:03.839
Giving in, he opens it and reads.
00:07:04.160 --> 00:07:06.399
By Hortons Goodbody.
00:07:10.240 --> 00:07:11.519
Hell holes.
00:07:11.920 --> 00:07:19.199
Not to be confused with sinkholes are honey holes, our supernatural passages to the underworld.
00:07:19.519 --> 00:07:24.560
A place devoid of joy, hope, and all things you might love.
00:07:24.720 --> 00:07:26.720
In other words, hell.
00:07:27.759 --> 00:07:36.319
Souls of the deceased that inhabit hell are forced to wander the abyss and are tortured by the sins that brought them there.
00:07:36.800 --> 00:07:46.720
Malignant creatures, known as nether demons, act as gods in this prison, serving their master, Satan.
00:07:47.360 --> 00:07:52.720
Their purpose is to keep the damned inn and goodness out.
00:07:53.360 --> 00:08:01.279
A hellhole can only open in the light of a full-blood moon during an equinox or a solstice.
00:08:01.839 --> 00:08:06.560
Once the passage is open, mortals must beware.
00:08:06.800 --> 00:08:14.079
If a mortal falls in, the power of Satan will grant the wish of the one who last spoke to the victim.
00:08:14.399 --> 00:08:20.000
This is a trick designed to lure a decent person to sin.
00:08:20.560 --> 00:08:23.680
Ned glances around his creepy farmhouse.
00:08:24.000 --> 00:08:26.800
It feels like there are eyes everywhere.
00:08:30.560 --> 00:08:30.959
Shit.
00:08:31.839 --> 00:08:42.960
Once the wisher has sufficiently tipped the scales of their soul from good to evil, a great reckoning from the pit will occur.
00:08:43.679 --> 00:08:48.000
Accidents, just some coincidental accidents happen, that's all.
00:08:48.320 --> 00:08:52.080
What happens when someone falls into a hell hole?
00:08:52.399 --> 00:08:58.559
Our studies suggest that the victim will die of natural causes in a way that grants the wish.
00:08:58.799 --> 00:09:02.960
The victim will die at the same time they were thrown into the hole.
00:09:03.120 --> 00:09:07.200
Their death will typically be of an embarrassing nature.
00:09:07.519 --> 00:09:08.159
Why?
00:09:08.559 --> 00:09:11.039
Because Satan is an asshole.
00:09:12.159 --> 00:09:14.080
This writer was ahead of their time.
00:09:14.399 --> 00:09:25.039
When the next solstice arrives, the hole will close again, using evil forces to drag any unfortunate wishing sinner in, alive.
00:09:27.039 --> 00:09:30.080
Have you seen a stranger from another time?
00:09:30.639 --> 00:09:37.679
The stranger is the previous wisher who has been sent to tempt a mortal to take their place in hell.
00:09:37.919 --> 00:09:45.279
You will know them by their antiquated ways, endless riches, and gold manacles about their wrists.
00:09:45.600 --> 00:09:53.600
Beware, ye mortals, for this is the one who has the most to gain by sending you to hell.
00:09:54.159 --> 00:09:58.480
Ned slams the book shut, feeling a chill run down his spine.
00:09:58.879 --> 00:10:02.879
This book is really fucking dumb.
00:10:12.159 --> 00:10:20.879
The next morning at the busted bottle, Rabin regales a group of locals with a story from his usual spot in the corner booth.
00:10:21.200 --> 00:10:25.840
Cheryl fills their coffees and sets down heaping plates cheerfully.
00:10:26.159 --> 00:10:33.120
And so I finally mustered up the courage to ask, Spirit, have you come back from hell to seek vengeance?
00:10:33.360 --> 00:10:40.320
There was a clap of thunder, and we all watched in horror as the Ouija board sprang to life under our fingers.
00:10:46.480 --> 00:10:48.960
Well, Ouija boy, what happened next?
00:10:49.120 --> 00:10:51.840
The planchette was sliding all over the board.
00:10:52.080 --> 00:10:56.559
Finally, it all spelled out B R B.
00:10:57.519 --> 00:10:59.919
I said, are you kidding me?
00:11:00.240 --> 00:11:02.000
Ghosted by a ghost?
00:11:05.519 --> 00:11:10.320
I'm still hoping it was autocorrect, you know, like on the cellular telephone devices.
00:11:10.639 --> 00:11:12.559
That joke was ducking stupid.
00:11:12.799 --> 00:11:13.919
Thanks, sweetheart.
00:11:14.080 --> 00:11:15.759
Could you get everybody around to sinkers?
00:11:16.399 --> 00:11:17.919
Especially Ned over there.
00:11:18.080 --> 00:11:19.919
He's looking a bit peckish.
00:11:20.240 --> 00:11:20.799
Sinkers?
00:11:21.120 --> 00:11:22.159
Donuts, dear.
00:11:22.399 --> 00:11:22.960
Donuts.
00:11:23.519 --> 00:11:27.759
I don't want your dirty devil donuts.
00:11:28.159 --> 00:11:29.279
Easy, kid.
00:11:29.360 --> 00:11:33.279
It's a Boston cream, not a Boston Scream, right?
00:11:34.080 --> 00:11:35.519
Oh, I know who you are.
00:11:35.759 --> 00:11:37.679
You're literally from Hell.
00:11:38.159 --> 00:11:39.360
Uh Hell Michigan.
00:11:39.440 --> 00:11:41.200
Yeah, it's uh right outside of Ann Arbor.
00:11:41.440 --> 00:11:42.080
Funny name, though.
00:11:42.240 --> 00:11:44.399
Ned! Can we chitchat outside?
00:11:44.559 --> 00:11:46.159
This ought to cover the tab.
00:11:47.039 --> 00:11:50.320
Rabin spills gold coins on the table.
00:11:50.480 --> 00:11:54.080
Everyone stares at the treasure with wide eyes.
00:11:54.399 --> 00:11:56.399
Ned storms out dramatically.
00:11:56.559 --> 00:12:00.399
As Raven begins to follow him out, Cheryl catches him by the elbow.
00:12:00.639 --> 00:12:02.399
Now you leave that kid alone.
00:12:02.559 --> 00:12:04.480
No more doing what you've been doing.
00:12:04.799 --> 00:12:05.759
I know.
00:12:06.320 --> 00:12:07.840
It's the only way.
00:12:08.480 --> 00:12:09.759
Yes, it is.
00:12:11.840 --> 00:12:16.320
Outside, Raben throws open the door and Ned grabs him by the collar.
00:12:16.559 --> 00:12:17.919
Hey, easy, friend.
00:12:18.080 --> 00:12:19.519
Nobody needs to get hot.
00:12:19.679 --> 00:12:21.200
You think I'm a dupe?
00:12:21.440 --> 00:12:25.440
You got sent to hell, and now you're trying to get me to take your place?
00:12:25.679 --> 00:12:27.279
Well, it ain't happening.
00:12:27.440 --> 00:12:31.120
I'm a fucking shining light of moral fortitude, asshole!
00:12:31.440 --> 00:12:32.639
Sure, kid.
00:12:32.799 --> 00:12:34.799
Come on, nobody deserves that.
00:12:34.960 --> 00:12:36.240
Least of all you.
00:12:36.559 --> 00:12:41.679
I've been feeling a pang and a twang of guilt about leading you down the dark path.
00:12:41.919 --> 00:12:46.559
Trust me, even the worst mortals don't deserve what's in that hole.
00:12:46.879 --> 00:12:51.039
Ha, so you admit it! You're a demon straight out of the devil's hole.
00:12:51.360 --> 00:12:54.559
No, kid, I'm from right here in Illinois.
00:12:54.799 --> 00:12:57.600
In fact, I'm your great-great-grandfather.
00:12:57.840 --> 00:12:58.639
Say what?
00:12:58.879 --> 00:13:00.240
This calls for a smoke.
00:13:00.480 --> 00:13:01.600
Puff it up, hmm?
00:13:01.679 --> 00:13:04.480
It'll be our little offering to the fire demons.
00:13:04.720 --> 00:13:07.360
Rabin lights a cigar and offers Ned one.
00:13:07.600 --> 00:13:07.919
Ew?
00:13:08.159 --> 00:13:09.440
He declines.
00:13:10.159 --> 00:13:13.120
Ah, the year was 1932.
00:13:13.360 --> 00:13:15.200
Stock market had taken a nosedive.
00:13:15.519 --> 00:13:17.279
Dust Bowl was bowling.
00:13:17.440 --> 00:13:20.799
The Great Depression had us all melancholic.
00:13:21.039 --> 00:13:21.360
Broke.
00:13:21.519 --> 00:13:22.799
We was all broke.
00:13:22.960 --> 00:13:24.159
Even the brokers.
00:13:24.320 --> 00:13:28.879
Now this may shock you, but uh I wasn't the best dad.
00:13:31.919 --> 00:13:36.799
I promised your great-great-grandma that I'd marry her, but I didn't want to work on that farm.
00:13:36.960 --> 00:13:40.000
The same farm you own, the Fisher family farm.
00:13:40.159 --> 00:13:42.399
I wasn't meant for that corn life.
00:13:42.559 --> 00:13:43.279
You get it.
00:13:44.080 --> 00:13:46.240
We can't all be bumpkins.
00:13:46.480 --> 00:13:49.039
Besides, I had a mission to complete.
00:13:49.200 --> 00:13:53.600
I had to raise money to get my dear, sweet little old mom in operation.
00:13:53.919 --> 00:13:56.080
Oh, well, that certainly rings true.
00:13:56.720 --> 00:14:01.360
Okay, she was a mean old badger, but she was my ma, and she had consumption.
00:14:01.519 --> 00:14:04.799
Now I was selling my miracle elixir to pay her bills.
00:14:05.120 --> 00:14:06.080
Snake oil.
00:14:06.240 --> 00:14:07.840
Okay, this I believe.
00:14:08.080 --> 00:14:09.120
It was the 30s.
00:14:09.279 --> 00:14:10.720
Leeches were high tech.
00:14:11.039 --> 00:14:11.919
Get to the hole.
00:14:12.080 --> 00:14:13.039
Right, right, hole.
00:14:13.200 --> 00:14:19.679
So I go picking herbs and whatnot on the Fisher farm, when lo and behold, I found a bottomless pit.
00:14:19.919 --> 00:14:22.879
At the same time, this hooligan from town had followed me.
00:14:23.039 --> 00:14:26.960
He said he was gonna clean my clock for not curing his daddy's rheumatism.
00:14:27.120 --> 00:14:30.000
I mean, shit, all I had was goatweed and wild onions.
00:14:30.159 --> 00:14:31.200
What did he expect?
00:14:31.440 --> 00:14:48.720
Anyway, he was giving me a good lickin' when I kinda just yelled out, I wish I had some more money! Then he stumbled backward, teetering on the edge of the hole, and And and I could have saved him, but I just stared at him.
00:14:48.960 --> 00:14:57.519
Then whoopsie! When I got back, a quack doctor made an offer to buy my recipe.
00:14:57.679 --> 00:14:59.840
Suddenly, I had the money I wished for.
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:01.919
So I paid for Ma's operation.
00:15:02.240 --> 00:15:03.120
Did she make it?
00:15:03.360 --> 00:15:05.120
Nah, she croaked anyway.
00:15:05.360 --> 00:15:09.200
Anywho, I had this feeling that the hole granted my wish.
00:15:09.360 --> 00:15:13.919
When that quack figured out I'd sold him a dummy, he came a hunting me with a rusty sickle.
00:15:14.240 --> 00:15:16.000
Fortunately, I was packing.
00:15:16.159 --> 00:15:19.840
I took my shotgun and marched that bastard right into the hole.
00:15:20.080 --> 00:15:25.120
Whoopsie! He was a crook anyway, and what'd you wish for?
00:15:25.440 --> 00:15:25.759
Ma.
00:15:26.399 --> 00:15:28.960
I wished Ma wasn't dead no more.
00:15:29.600 --> 00:15:31.440
Did she come back?
00:15:33.120 --> 00:15:36.000
That night, I was at your great-great-granny's.
00:15:36.159 --> 00:15:37.759
Everyone had turned in for the night.
00:15:38.000 --> 00:15:40.960
But then came a knock at the door.
00:15:41.919 --> 00:15:42.559
Knock.
00:15:43.519 --> 00:15:44.159
Knock.
00:15:45.039 --> 00:15:45.759
Knock.
00:15:46.240 --> 00:15:47.039
Oh no.
00:15:47.840 --> 00:15:50.879
There are things no human can bear to see.
00:15:51.200 --> 00:15:53.360
The mind sort of breaks.
00:15:53.919 --> 00:15:57.919
There on my doorstep stood a putrid dead body.
00:15:58.159 --> 00:15:59.200
It croaked.
00:15:59.679 --> 00:16:01.919
Come to your mother.
00:16:05.759 --> 00:16:08.320
The ghoul dragged me through the coinfield.
00:16:08.559 --> 00:16:13.360
Then my own dead mother chucked me into that godforsaken pit to hell.
00:16:17.759 --> 00:16:18.639
Jesus.
00:16:18.879 --> 00:16:19.519
Jesus?
00:16:19.679 --> 00:16:20.480
Never met him.
00:16:20.720 --> 00:16:21.759
Now, Satan?
00:16:22.399 --> 00:16:24.240
Satan's a real prick.
00:16:27.840 --> 00:16:33.440
At the farmhouse, Lenore descends the stairs and finds Moose playing the synthesizer.
00:16:33.679 --> 00:16:35.440
Hey, is Ned around?
00:16:35.679 --> 00:16:37.679
Nah, I figured he was up there with you.
00:16:37.919 --> 00:16:39.440
Thought you guys made up by now.
00:16:39.679 --> 00:16:40.240
Nope.
00:16:40.399 --> 00:16:42.799
He won't take responsibility for anything he does.
00:16:42.960 --> 00:16:44.080
He's like a child.
00:16:44.399 --> 00:16:46.639
Kids, what are you gonna do?
00:16:46.879 --> 00:16:49.360
Well, I hope you won't tell him I'm using his synth.
00:16:49.600 --> 00:16:49.919
Why?
00:16:50.080 --> 00:16:50.960
What's the big deal?
00:16:51.200 --> 00:16:53.519
He's really possessive of this thing.
00:16:53.679 --> 00:16:55.039
And I can see why.
00:16:55.200 --> 00:16:58.399
It's basically everything I needed to level up my music.
00:16:59.759 --> 00:17:00.960
He's your cousin.
00:17:01.120 --> 00:17:02.000
He should share it.
00:17:02.240 --> 00:17:04.480
Lenore notices something on the shelf.
00:17:04.559 --> 00:17:06.480
It's Rucker's hog collar.
00:17:06.720 --> 00:17:08.799
She picks it up and turns it over.
00:17:09.039 --> 00:17:12.480
She finds that it's monogrammed and reads it out loud.
00:17:12.799 --> 00:17:14.880
This belongs to Rucker, motherfucker.
00:17:15.279 --> 00:17:16.799
Easy, I didn't take it.
00:17:17.039 --> 00:17:18.720
How did Ned get it?
00:17:18.960 --> 00:17:25.359
I mean, I remember trying to get them to go hunting and bury the hatchet, but I can't recall if they ever did.
00:17:25.599 --> 00:17:29.599
Lenore picks up the illustrated guide to hell holes from the couch.
00:17:29.759 --> 00:17:32.160
She reads it, engrossed.
00:17:32.640 --> 00:17:33.759
I'm sure they did.
00:17:34.079 --> 00:17:36.720
Probably went after the feral hogs we got in the field.
00:17:37.039 --> 00:17:38.640
Hey, I'm heading to town.
00:17:38.799 --> 00:17:39.759
You want anything?
00:17:40.160 --> 00:17:41.680
Answers, Moose.
00:17:42.319 --> 00:17:43.839
I want answers.
00:17:44.079 --> 00:17:47.599
But I was thinking more like a bucket of wings or something.
00:17:47.759 --> 00:17:50.960
Lenore gazes out the window toward the hellhole.
00:17:51.200 --> 00:17:54.319
The corn sways gently in the wind.
00:17:58.160 --> 00:18:00.960
Stay tuned next time on Illinois Hellhole.
00:18:01.119 --> 00:18:04.079
Raven tries to talk Ned into being a better man.
00:18:04.319 --> 00:18:06.880
I just found the joy of being good.
00:18:08.880 --> 00:18:12.640
And Lenore walks out on the edge of the hole alone.
00:18:13.279 --> 00:18:15.119
Please be careful, okay?
00:18:15.279 --> 00:18:16.640
I'm always careful.
00:18:16.880 --> 00:18:19.359
Will Ned be able to save her in time?
00:18:20.640 --> 00:18:21.599
Peace out.
00:18:21.920 --> 00:18:25.119
All this and more on Illinois Hellhole.
00:18:25.200 --> 00:18:26.319
Stay tuned.
00:18:27.519 --> 00:18:35.279
If you're enjoying Illinois Hellhole, the best thing you can do would be to leave a rating and a review wherever you're listening.
00:18:35.440 --> 00:18:40.880
It's free, it takes about a minute, and it's what makes new listeners take a chance on a show like this one.
00:18:41.039 --> 00:18:43.440
We're indie and we need your support.
00:18:43.680 --> 00:18:50.079
By the way, you can contribute at my Patreon at patreon.com slash Matt Brookens.
00:18:50.400 --> 00:18:52.720
That's B-R-O-O-K-E-N-S.
00:18:52.960 --> 00:18:54.160
Thanks, guys.
00:18:54.960 --> 00:19:16.000
Illinois Hellhole episode seven stars Corey Burton as the narrator, Darren Norris as Raven, Matt Brookens, hey that's me as Ned, Reggie Guyton as Moose, Megan McDonough as Lenore, Cassandra Escondell as Moonglow, Maria Libri as Cheryl, Nitton Sill as Hortons Goodbody.
00:19:16.400 --> 00:19:22.640
Big thanks to Nittin Sill, our Hortons Goodbody, the voice of the illustrated guide to hell holes.
00:19:22.960 --> 00:19:30.480
Niton is an incredible podcaster and YouTuber in his own right, and the creator of Flashpoint History.
00:19:30.640 --> 00:19:37.200
He's in the middle of a top-notch series on the American Revolution right now, and it is more relevant than ever.
00:19:37.359 --> 00:19:41.039
So check it out, Flashpoint History, wherever you're listening.
00:19:41.279 --> 00:19:44.079
And he's also a great friend of mine.
00:19:44.559 --> 00:19:53.359
And a huge thank you to Jessica Bailey Forsythe, or Jessica Bailey, who played Sheena, and she just nailed the comedy.
00:19:53.599 --> 00:19:58.799
Jessica is a phenomenal singer and an entertainer based in Austin, Texas.
00:19:59.039 --> 00:20:03.119
Check her out at Jessicaatx.com.
